Ten Things I Hate About You - by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU
written by Karen McCullah Lutz & Kirsten Smith
based on 'Taming of the Shrew" by William Shakespeare
Revision November 12, 1997
PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Welcome to Padua High School,, your typical urban-suburban
high school in Portland, Oregon. Smarties, Skids, Preppies,
Granolas. Loners, Lovers, the In and the Out Crowd rub sleep
out of their eyes and head for the main building.
PADUA HIGH PARKING LOT - DAY
KAT STRATFORD, eighteen, pretty -- but trying hard not to be
-- in a baggy granny dress and glasses, balances a cup of
coffee and a backpack as she climbs out of her battered,
baby blue '75 Dodge Dart.
A stray SKATEBOARD clips her, causing her to stumble and
spill her coffee, as well as the contents of her backpack.
The young RIDER dashes over to help, trembling when he sees
who his board has hit.
Hey -- sorry.
Cowering in fear, he attempts to scoop up her scattered
I said, leave it!
She grabs his skateboard and uses it to SHOVE him against a
car, skateboard tip to his throat. He whimpers pitifully
and she lets him go. A path clears for her as she marches
through a pack of fearful students and SLAMS open the door,
INT. GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
BIANCA STRATFORD, a beautiful sophomore, stands facing the
mirror, applying lipstick. Her less extraordinary, but
still cute friend, CHASTITY stands next to her.
Did you change your hair?
You might wanna think about it
Leave the girls' room and enter the hallway.
HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS
Bianca is immediately greeted by an admiring crowd, both
and girls alike.
The greetings continue as Chastity remains wordless and
unaddressed by her side. Bianca smiles proudly,
acknowledging her fans.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
CAMERON JAMES, a clean-cut, easy-going senior with an open,
farm-boy face, sits facing Miss Perky, an impossibly cheery
I'm sure you won't find Padua any
different than your old school. Same
little asswipe mother-fuckers
Her plastic smile never leaves her face. Cameron fidgets in
his chair uncomfortably.
I don't think so, ma'am
Then go forth. Scoot I've got
deviants to see.
Cameron rises to leave and makes eye contact with PATRICK
VERONA, a sullen-looking bad ass senior who waits outside Ms
Perky's door. His slouch and smirk let us know how cool he
Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Patrick
Patrick Verona. I see we're making our
visits a weekly ritual.
She gives him a withering glance. He answers with a charming
I missed you.
It says here you exposed yourself to a
group of freshmen girls.
It was a bratwurst. I was eating
With the teeth of your zipper?
She motions for Patrick to enter her office and Cameron
shuffles out the door, bumping into MICHAEL ECKMAN, a lanky,
brainy senior who will either end up a politician or game
You the new guy?
So they tell me...
C'mon. I'm supposed to give you the
They head out of the office
So -- which Dakota you from?
North, actually. How'd you ?
I was kidding. People actually live
Yeah. A couple. We're outnumbered by
the cows, though.
How many people were in your old
How many people go here?
Couple thousand. Most of them evil
INT. HALLWAY - DAY- CONTINUOUS
Prom posters adorn the wall. Michael steers Cameron through
the crowd as he points to various cliques.
We've got your basic beautiful people.
Unless they talk to you first, don't
The beautiful people pass, in full jock/cheerleader
Those 're your cowboys.
Several Stetson-wearing, big belt buckle. Wrangler guys
That I'm used to.
Yeah, but these guys have never seen a
horse. They just jack off to Clint
They pass an espresso cart with a group of teens huddled
To the right, we have the Coffee Kids.
Very edgy. Don't make any sudden
movements around them.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Michael continues the tour
And these delusionals are the White
Several white boys in dreadlocks and Jamaican knit berets
lounge on the grass. A cloud of pot smoke hovers above them
Big Marley fans. Think they're black.
Semi-political, but mostly, they watch a
lot of Wild Kingdom, if you know what I
Michael waves to DEREK, the one with the longest dreads.
Derek - save some for after lunch, bub?
Michael, my brother, peace
Cameron turns to follow Michael as they walk into the
So where do you fit in all this?
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Loud music and loud students. Michael sits with a group of
Future MBAs- We're all Ivy League,
already accepted. Someday I'll be
sipping Merlot while those guys --
He points to the table of jocks, as they torture various
are fixing my Saab. Yuppie greed is
back, my friend.
He points proudly to the ALLIGATOR on his shirt.
Cameron stops listening as BIANCA walks by, and we go SLO
MO. Pure and perfect, she passes Cameron and Michael
without a look.
Cameron is smitten
That girl -- I --
You burn, you pine, you perish?
Who is she?
Bianca Stratford. Sophomore. Don't
even think about it
I could start with your haircut, but it
doesn't matter. She's not allowed to
date until her older sister does. And
that's an impossibility.
ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
A room full of bored seniors doodle and scare off into space
MS. BLAISE, the one-step-away-from-medication English
Teacher, tries to remember what she's talking about.
Well, then. Oh, yes. I guess that
does it for our analysis of The Old Man
and the Sea. Any other comments?
Kat, the girl we saw as we entered the school, slowly cakes
off her glasses and speaks up.
Why didn't we just read the Hardy Boys?
This book is about a guy and his
fishing habit. Not exactly a crucial
The other students roll their eyes.
Frankly, I'm baffled as to why we still
revere Hemingway. He was an abusive,
alcoholic misogynist who had a lot of
JOEY DORSEY, a well-muscled jock with great cheekbones,
makes fun of her from his row.
As opposed to a bitter self-righteous
hag who has no friends?
A few giggles. Kat ignores him. A practiced gesture
That's enough, Mr. Dorsey.
Really gets fired up now
I guess the school board thinks because
Hemingway's male and an asshole, he's
worthy of our time
She looks up at Ms. Blaise, who is now fighting with her
What about Colette? Charlotte Bronte?
Simone de Beauvoir?
Patrick, lounging in his seat in the back row, elbows a
crusty-looking crony, identified by the name SCURVY,
embroidered on his workshirt.
The class titters. Kat wears an expression of intolerance
INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Kat now sits before Miss Perky.
Katarina Stratford. My, my. You've
been terrorizing Ms. Blaise again.
Expressing my opinion is not a
Well, yes, compared to your other
choices of expression this year, today's
events are quite mild. By the way,
Bobby Rictor's gonad retrieval operation
went quite well, in case you're
I still maintain that he kicked himself
in the balls. I was merely a spectator.
The point is Kat -- people perceive you
as somewhat ...
Kat smiles at her, daring her to say it.
No ... I believe "heinous bitch" is the
term used most often.
She grimaces, as if she's referring to a medical condition.
You might want to work on that
Kat rises from her chair with a plastic smile matching the
As always, thank you for your excellent
INT. SOPHOMORE ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Bianca ignores the droning teacher as she writes a note in
big flowing handwriting.
I realize the language of Mr.
Shakespeare makes him a bit daunting,
but I'm sure you're all doing your best.
Bianca folds the note and passes it behind her with a flip
of her hair to CHASTITY. Chastity opens the note and reads:
INSERT - "JOEY DORSEY SAID HI TO ME IN THE HALL! OH! MY
Chastity frowns to herself.
Ms. Stratford, do you care to comment
on what you've read so far?
Bianca looks up and smiles the smile of Daddy's little girl.
The teacher shakes her head, but lets it go.
MANDELLA. a waif-like senior girl who sits off to the side
trying to slit her wrist with the plastic spiral on her
notebook, looks up and raises her hand.
Mandella -- since you're assisting us,
you might as well comment. I'm assuming
you read the assignment.
Uh, yeah, I read it all
The whole play^
The whole folio. All the plays.
You've read every play by William
She raises a challenging eyebrow. The stunned teacher
doesn't answer and goes to call on the next student.
EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Mandella and Kat sit down in the quiet corner. They are
eating a carton of yogurt with gusto.
Your sister is so amazingly without. She'll never read him.
She has no idea.
The fact that you're cutting gym so you
can T.A. Sophomore English just to hear
his name, is a little without in itself
if you ask me.
Kat's attention is caught by Patrick as he walks by with his
friends, lighting up a cigarette. Mandella notices her
Patrick Verona Random skid.
That's Pat Verona? The one who was gone
for a year? I heard he was doing porn
I'm sure he's completely incapable of
doing anything that interesting.
He always look so
Kat turns back to face Mandella and forces her yogurt into
Mandella, eat. Starving yourself is a
very slow way to die.
Just a little.
She eats. Kat sees her wrist
An attempted slit.
Kat stares at her, expressionless.
I realize that the men of this fine
institution are severely lacking, but
killing yourself so you can be with
William Shakespeare is beyond the scope
of normal teenage obsessions. You're
venturing far past daytime talk show
fodder and entering the world of those
who need very expensive therapy.
But imagine the things he'd say during
Thinks a minute
Okay, say you do it. You kill
yourself, you end up in wherever you end
up and he's there. Do you really think
he's gonna wanna dace a ninety pound
compulsive who failed volleyball?
Mandella's attention is struck by Bianca
ACROSS THE COURTYARD
As she and Chastity parade by Joey and his COHORTS One of
the cohorts elbows Joey.
Joey looks up and smiles at Bianca.
Lookin' good, ladies.
Bianca smiles her coyest of smiles.
BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA Still watching.
Michael and Cameron observe Joey's leers at Bianca from
their bench in another corner. Cowboys eating cue of a can
of beans linger on the grass behind them.
Why do girls like that always like guys
Because they're bred to. Their mothers
liked guys like that, and their
grandmothers before them. Their gene
pool is rarely diluted.
He always have that shit-eating grin?
Joey Dorsey? Perma-shit-grin. I wish
I could say he's a moron, but he's
number twelve in the class. And a
model. Mostly regional stuff, but he's
rumored to have a big tube sock ad
The BELL rings, and the cowboys stand and spit into their
empty bean cans. Cameron and Michael rise as Cameron tries
to catch a glimpse of Bianca as she walks back inside.
You know French?
Sure do ... my Mom's from Canada
Guess who just signed up for a tutor?
You mean I'd get a chance to talk to
You could consecrate with her, my
Cameron watches as Bianca flounces back into the building.
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Kat and Mandella walk toward Kat's car. Joey pulls up
beside her in his Viper.
(re her dress)
The vintage look is over, Kat. Haven't
you been reading your Sassy?
Yeah, and I noticed the only part of
you featured in your big Kmart spread
was your elbow. Tough break.
They're running the rest of me next
He zooms away as Kat yanks open the door of her Dart.
Mandella ties a silk scarf around her head, as if they're in
The people at this school are so
You could always go with me. I'm sure
William has some friends.
They watch Joey's car as he slows next to Bianca and
Chastity as they walk toward the school bus.
ON BIANCA AND CHASTITY
Need a ride, ladies?
Bianca and Chastity can't get in Joey's car fast enough. He
pulls away with a smile.
BACK TO KAT AND MANDELLA
Mandella lowers her sunglasses to watch.
That's a charming new development
Kat doesn't answer, but reaches over and puts a tape in the
tape deck. The sounds of JOYFUL PUNK ROCK fill the car.
As they pull out, Michael crosses in front of them on his
moped. Kat has to SLAM the brakes to keep from hitting him
Remove head from sphincter! Then
Michael begins fearfully, pedaling as Kat PEELS out, angry
at the delay.
Cameron rushes over
You all right?
He slows to a stop
Yeah, just a minor encounter with the
That's her? Bianca's sister?
The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.
Michael putters off, leaving Cameron dodging Patrick's
grimy, grey Jeep -- a vehicle several years and many paint
jobs away from its former glory as a REGULATION MAIL TRUCK -
- as he sideswipes several cars on his way out of the lot.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
SHARON STRATFORD, attractive and focused, sits in front of
her computer, typing quickly. A shelf next to her holds
several bodice-ripper romance novels, bearing her name.
Kat stands behind her, reading over her shoulder as she
"Undulating with desire, Adrienne
removes her crimson cape, revealing her
WALTER STRATFORD, a blustery, mad scientist-type
obstetrician, enters through the front door, wearing a
doctor's white jacket and carrying his black bag.
I hope dinner's ready because I only have ten minutes before
Mrs. Johnson squirts out a screamer.
He grabs the mail and rifles through it, as he bends down to
kiss Sharon on the cheek.
In the microwave.
Make anyone cry today?
Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.
Bianca walks in.
Where've you been?
Nowhere... Hi, Daddy.
She kisses him on the cheek
Walter kisses Bianca back as Kat heads up the stairs
Walter holds up a letter to Kat
What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?
Snatches it away from him.
I guess I got in
Sharon looks up from her computer.
What's a synonym for throbbing?
Sarah Lawrence is on the other side of
I thought we decided you were going to
school here. At U of 0.
Is there even a question that we want
her to stay?
Kat gives Bianca an evil look then smiles sweetly at
Ask Bianca who drove her home
(to Bianca; upset)
Who drove you home?
Bianca glares at Kat then turns to Walter
Now don't get upset. Daddy, but there's
this boy... and I think he might ask...
No! You're not dating until your sister
starts dating. End of discussion.
What if she never starts dating?
Then neither will you. And I'll get to
sleep at night.
But it's not fair -- she's a mutant,
This from someone whose diary is
devoted to favorite grooming tips?
He pulls out a small tape recorder from his black bag.
Do you know what this is?
He hits the "play' button and SHRIEKS OF PAIN emanate from
the tape recorder.
BIANCA AND WALTER
(in unison, by
The sound of a fifteen-year-old in
This is why you're not dating until
your sister does.
But she doesn't want to date.
Exactly my point
His BEEPER goes off and he grabs his bag again
Jesus! Can a man even grab a sandwich
before you women start dilating?
(to Sharon; as he
You're not helping.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron sits with an empty chair beside him. Bianca arrives
in a flurry of blonde hair.
Can we make this quick? Roxanne
Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an
incredibly horrendous public break- up
on the quad. Again.
Well, I thought we'd start with
pronunciation, if that's okay with you.
Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.
Okay... then how 'bout we try out some
French cuisine. Saturday? Night?
Bianca smiles slowly
You're asking me out. That's so cute.
What's your name again?
Bianca seizes an opportunity.
No, no, it's my fault -- we didn't have
a proper introduction ---
The thing is, Cameron -- I'm at the
mercy of a particularly hideous breed of
loser. My sister. I can't date until
Seems like she could get a date easy
She fingers a lock of her hair. He looks on, dazzled.
The problem is, she's completely anti-social.
Unsolved mystery. She used to be
really popular when she started high
school, then it was just like she got
sick of it or something.
That's a shame.
She reaches out and touches his arm
Gosh, if only we could find Kat a
Let me see what I can do.
Cameron smiles, having no idea how stupid he is
INT. BIOLOGY CLASS
A frog is being torn asunder by several prongs and picks.
Michael and Cameron go for the spleen.
You're in school for one day and you
ask out the most beautiful girl? Do you
have no concept of the high school
Cameron grins away
I teach her French, get to know her,
dazzle her with charm and she falls in
love with me.
Unlikely, but even so, she still can't
go out with you. So what's the
Cameron motions with his head toward Patrick, a few lab
tables away. He's wearing biker glasses instead of goggles
as he tries to revive his frog.
What about him?
You wanna go out with him?
The others at the lab table raise their eyebrows
No - he could wrangle with the sister.
Michael smiles. Liking the intrigue.
What makes you think he'll do it?
He seems like he thrives on danger
No kidding. He's a criminal. I heard
he lit a state trooper on fire. He just
got out of Alcatraz...
They always let felons sit in on Honors
I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He
sold his own liver on the black market
so he could buy new speakers.
Forget his reputation. Do you think
we've got a plan or not?
Did she actually say she'd go out with
That's what I just said
Michael processes this.
You know, if you do go out with Bianca,
you'd be set. You'd outrank everyone.
Strictly A-list. With me by your side.
I thought you hated those people.
Hey -- I've gotta have a few clients
when I get to Wall Street.
A cowboy flicks the frog's heart into one of the Coffee
Kid's latte. Cameron presses on, over the melee.
So now all we gotta do is talk to him.
He points to Patrick, who now makes his frog hump another
frog, with full-on sound effects.
I'll let you handle that.
INT. WOODSHOP - DAY
Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood
Michael sits next to PEPE, a Coffee Kid, who holds out his
jacket like the men who sell watches in the subway. Inside
several bags of coffee hang from hooks.
Some people like the Colombian, but it
all depends on your acidity preference.
Me? I prefer East African and
Indonesian. You start the day with a
Sumatra Boengie or maybe and Ethiopian
Sidamo in your cup, you're that much
farther ahead than someone drinkin'
Cosia Rican or Kona -- you know what I
Michael nods solemnly.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Patrick sits at a table with Scurvy, making something that
looks like a machete out of a two-by-four.
Cameron approaches, full of good-natured farm boy cheer
In response, Patrick brandishes a loud POWER TOOL in his
Cameron slinks away.
Michael watches, shaking his head.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Joey and his pals take turns drawing boobs onto a cafeteria
tray with a magic marker.
Michael walks up and sits between them, casual as can be
Are you lost?
Nope - just came by to chat
We don't chat.
Well, actually, I thought I'd run an
idea by you. You know, just to see if
He grabs Michael by the side of the head, and proceeds to
draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Michael
suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.
Hear me out. You want Bianca don't
Joey sits back and cackles at his drawing.
But she can't go out with you because
her sister is this insane head case and
no one will go out with her. right?
Does this conversation have a purpose?
So what you need to do is recruit a guy
who'll go out with her. Someone who's
up for the job.
Michael points to Patrick, who makes a disgusted face at his
turkey pot pie before he rises and throws it at the garbage
can, rather than in it.
That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once. Everything but
the beak and the feet.
Joey turns to look at Michael.
What's in it for you?
Oh, hey, nothin' man Purely good will
on my part.
He rises to leave and turns to the others.
I have a dick on my face, don't I?
INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY
Michael stands at the sink, trying to scrub Joey's artwork
off his face as Cameron watches.
You got him involved?
Like we had a choice? Besides -- when
you let the enemy think he's
orchestrating the battle, you're in a
position of power. We let him pretend
he's calling the shots, and while he's
busy setting up the plan, you have time
to woo Bianca.
Cameron grins and puts an arm around him
You're one brilliant guy
Michael pulls back, noticing other guys filing in.
Hey - I appreciate gratitude as much as the next guy, but
it's not gonna do you any good to be known as New Kid Who
Embraces Guys In The Bathroom.
Cameron pulls back and attempts to posture himself in a
manly way for the others, now watching.
INT. KENNY'S THAI FOOD DINER - DAY
Kat and Mandella pick apart their pad thai. Mandella is
So he has this huge raging fit about
Sarah Lawrence and insists that I go to
his male-dominated, puking frat boy,
number one golf team school. I have no
say at all.
William would never have gone to a
William didn't even go to high school
That's never been proven
Neither has his heterosexuality.
Mandella replies with a look of ice. Kat uses the moment to
stub out Mandella's cigarette.
I appreciate your efforts toward a
speedy death, but I'm consuming.
(pointing at her
Do you mind?
Does it matter?
If I was Bianca, it would be, "Any
school you want, precious. Don't forget
They both look up as Patrick enters. He walks up to the
counter to place his order.
Mandella leans toward Kat with the glow of fresh gossip
Janice Parker told me he was a roadie
for Marilyn Manson.
Patrick nods at them as he takes his food outside.
Janice Parker is an idiot
INT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Patrick sits before Miss Perky, eating his Thai food
(looking at chart)
I don't understand, Patrick. You
haven't done anything asinine this week.
Are you not feeling well?
Touch of the flu.
I'm at a loss, then. What should we
talk about? Your year of absence?
He smiles his charming smile
How 'bout your sex life?
She tolerates his comment with her withering glance.
Why don't we discuss your driving need
to be a hemorrhoid?
What's to discuss?
You weren't abused, you aren't stupid,
and as far as I can tell, you're only
slightly psychotic -- so why is it that
you're such a fuck-up?
Well, you know -- there's the prestige
of the job title... and the benefits
package is pretty good...
The bell RINGS.
Fine. Go do something repugnant and
give us something to talk about next
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Several pairs of tutors and students sit at the various
Mandella sits with TREVOR, a White Rasta. She attempts to
get him to do geometry, but he stares at her, as if smitten
Look, it's really easy.
You're a freedom fighter. Be proud,
Mandella sets down her pencil and closes the book.
It's Mandella with two L's. I am not
related to Nelson Mandela. I am not a
political figure. I do not live in
South Africa. My parents just spent a
few too many acid trips thinking they
But you freed our people
Your "people" are white, suburban high
school boys who smoke too much hemp. I
have not freed you, Trevor.
(grabbing his arm
Only you can free yourself.
ACROSS THE ROOM Bianca and Cameron sit side by side, cozy as
C'esc ma tete. This is my head
Right. See? You're ready for the
I don't want to know how to say that
though. I want to know useful things.
Like where the good stores are. How
much does champagne cost? Stuff like
Chat. I have never in my life had to
point out my head to someone.
That's because it's such a nice one.
She shuts her book and puts on a seductive smile
How is our little Find the Wench A Date
Well, there's someone I think might be
Bianca's eyes light up
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Cameron and Bianca lean against the wall -inconspicuously.
Bianca plays it cool.
Give me a sign when he walks by. And
The bell RINGS. Kids flood past. Then Patrick saunters by
with Scurvy. Cameron nudges Bianca.
Out of desperation, Cameron awkwardly lunges across
Patrick's path. Patrick shoves him back against the wall
without a thought. Cameron lands in a THUD at Bianca's
I guess he didn't see me
Some other time --
Bianca watches Patrick, a wicked gleam in her eye.
My God, he's repulsive. He's so
INT. GYM CLASS - DAY
Several volleyball games are being played.
Joey and a member of his hulking entourage, approach
Patrick, who still manages to look cool, even in gym
clothes. They pull him aside roughly.
JOEY See that girl?
Patrick follows his line of vision to Kat as she spikes the
ball into some poor cowboy's face.
What do you think?
Kat wins the game and high fives the others, who are scared
Two legs, nice rack...
Yeah, whatever. I want you to go out
Sure, Sparky. I'll get right on it.
You just said
You need money to take a girl out
But you'd go out with her if you had
Patrick stares at Joey deadpan. His dislike for the guy
Yeah, I'd take her to Europe if I had
You got it, Verona. I pick up the tab,
you do the honors.
You're gonna pay me to take out some
I can't date her sister until that one
gets a boyfriend. And that's the catch.
She doesn't want a boyfriend.
Twenty bucks each time you take her out.
I can't take a girl like that out on
Patrick raises an eyebrow, urging him up
Take it or leave it. This isn't a
Fifty, and you've got your man.
Patrick walks away with a smile
EXT. FIELD HOCKEY FIELD - DAY
Kat and the rest of the team go through a grueling practice
session. Kat spares no one as she whips the ball all over
Patrick sits on the bleachers nearby, watching. A cigarette
dangles from his mouth. His pal, SCURVY is next to him.
MR. CHAPIN, the coach, blows the WHISTLE.
Good run, Stratford.
Kat nods in response, and the girls leave the field. Patrick
hops down to follow.
Kat stops and turns slowly to look at him.
I mean Wo-man. How ya doin'?
Sweating like a pig, actually. And
There's a way to get a guy's attention.
My mission in life.
She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.
Obviously, I've struck your fancy. So,
you see, it worked. The world makes
Patrick's eyes narrow. He steps closer.
Pick you up Friday, then
Oh, right. Friday.
PATRICK backs up a little. He uses his most seductive tone
The night I take you to places you've
never been before. And back.
Like where? The 7-Eleven on Burnside?
Do you even know my name, screwboy?
I know a lot more than that
Kat stares at him.
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.
(calling after her)
You're no bargain either, sweetheart.
Scurvy appears at his side
So I guess the Jeep won't be getting a
ACROSS THE FIELD Cameron and Michael watch.
He took the bait.
STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kat washes her face at the sink. Bianca appears behind her,
and attempts to twist Kat's hair into a chignon.
She wacks Bianca away.
Have you ever considered a new look? I
mean, seriously, you could have some
potential buried under all this
Kat pushes past her into the hallway.
I have the potential to smack the crap
out of you if you don't get out of my
Can you at least start wearing a bra?
Kat SLAMS her door in response.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick, Scurvy and some other randoms head for the exit
SCURVY You up for a burger?
Patrick looks in his wallet. It's empty.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Kat stands at her locker, gathering her books. Patrick
appears at her side, smiling.
Kat doesn't answer
You hate me don't you?
I don't really think you warrant that
strong an emotion.
Then say you'll spend Dollar Night at
the track with me.
And why would I do that?
Come on -- the ponies, the flat beer,
you with money in your eyes, me with my
hand on your ass...
You -- covered in my vomit.
She slams her locker shut and walks away
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT
Kat emerges from a music store carrying a bag of CDs in her
teeth, and fumbling through her purse with both hands. She
finds her keys and pulls them out with a triumphant tug.
She looks up and finds Patrick sitting on the hood of her
Nice ride. Vintage fenders.
Kat takes the bag out of her mouth.
Are you following me?
I was in the laundromat. I saw your
car. Thought I'd say hi.
She gets in and starts the car.
You're not a big talker, are you?
Depends on the topic. My fenders don't
really whip me into a verbal frenzy.
She starts to pull out, and is blocked by Joey's Viper,
which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.
Joey and his groupies emerge and head for the liquor store
Hey -- do you mind?
Not at all
They continue on into the store. Kat stares at them in
Then BACKS UP
Her vintage fenders CRASH into the door of Joey's precious
Patrick watches with a delighted grin Joey races out of the
You fucking bitch!
Kat pulls forward and backs into his car again. Smiling
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
Walter paces as Kat sits calmly on the couch.
My insurance does not cover PMS
Then tell them I had a seizure.
Is this about Sarah Lawrence? You
I thought you were punishing me.
Why can't we agree on this?
Because you're making decisions for me.
As a parent, that's my right
So what I want doesn't matter?
You're eighteen. You don't know what
you want. You won't know until you're
forty-five and you don't have it.
I want to go to an East Coast school! I
want you to trust me to make my own
choices. I want --
Walter's BEEPER goes off
Christ! I want a night to go by that
I'm not staring a contraction in the
He walks out, leaving Kat stewing on the couch.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Patrick shuts his graffiti-encrusted locker, revealing
Joey's angry visage, glowering next to him.
When I shell out fifty, I expect
I'm on it
Watching the bitch trash my car doesn't
count as a date.
I got her under control. She just acts
crazed in public to keep up the image.
Joey sees through the bluff
Let me put it to you this way, if you
don't get any action, I don't get any
action. So get your ass on hers by the
end of the week.
Joey starts to walk off
I just upped my price
A hundred bucks a date.
Forget her sister, then.
Joey thinks for a frustrated moment, PUNCHES the locker,
then peels another fifty out of his wallet with a menacing
You better hope you're as smooth as you
think you are, Verona.
Patrick takes the money with a smile.
INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY
Cameron runs a sentence past Bianca.
La copine et I 'ami? La diferance?
Bianca glares at him.
A "copine" is someone you can count on.
An "ami" is someone who makes promises
he can't keep.
Cameron closes the French book
You got something on your mind?
I counted on you to help my cause. You
and that thug are obviously failing.
Aren't we ever going on our date?
You have my word. As a gentleman
She touches his hand. He blushes at her praise and watches
her toss her hair back
How do you get your hair to look like
Eber's Deep Conditioner every two days.
And I never, ever use a blowdryer
without the diffuser attachment.
Cameron nods with interest.
You know, I read an article about that.
Bianca looks surprised.
INT. BOY'S ROOM - DAY
Patrick stands at the sink, washing his hands Michael and
Cameron cower in the corner, watching him.
Whatever the hell it is you're standin'
there waitin' to say.
Cameron bravely steps forward
We wanted to talk to you about the
Patrick turns toward them.
The situation is, my man Cameron here
has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.
What is it with this chick? She have
Cameron starts to object, but Michael holds up a hand.
I think I speak correctly when I say
that Cameron's love is pure. Purer than
say -- Joey Dorsey's.
Dorsey can plow whoever he wants. I'm
just in this for the cash.
Cameron starts choking at the thought of Joey plowing his
That's where we can help you. With
So Dorsey can get the girl?
Patrick, Pat, you're not looking at the
big picture. Joey's just a pawn. We set
this whole thing up so Cameron can get
Patrick smiles. He likes the idea of Joey being a pawn in
You two are gonna help me tame the wild
We're your guys.
And he means that strictly in a non-
prison-movie type of way.
Yeah -- we'll see.
He swings the door open and exits, leaving Michael and
Cameron grinning at each other.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
CU on a party invitation as it gets handed out. "Future
Princeton Grad Bogey Lowenstein proudly presents a Saturday
night bash at his abode. Casual attire".
Michael holds the invitation up to Cameron.
This is it. A golden opportunity.
Patrick can ask Katarina to the party.
In that case, we'll need to make it a
school-wide blow out.
Will Bogey get bent?
Are you kidding? He'll piss himself
with joy. He's the ultimate kiss ass.
CAFETERIA - DAY
Michael hands a jock the party invite as they pass each
other at the trash cans.
INT. GYM CLASS - DAY
The jock calls a fellow jock
INT. MATH CLASS - DAY
Jock whispers to a cheerleader
COURTYARD - DAY
The cheerleader calls a White Rasta that she's making out
with, showing him the invite.
TRACK - DAY
The White Rasta tells a cowboy as they run laps during track
INT. SHOWERS - DAY
The cowboy Cells a Coffee Kid, as he shields his java from
the spray of the shower.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Joey stands ac his open locker with Bianca. The locker is
an homage to Joey's "modeling" career. Cheesy PRINT ADS of
him -- running in a field of daisies, petting a kitten, etc.
-- adorn the locker door.
Which do you like better?
INSERT - HEADSHOTS of Joey. In one, he's pouting in a white
shirt. In the other, he's pouting in a black shirt.
I think I like the white shirt
Joey nods thoughtfully.
So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's
thing on Saturday?
He gives her his best flirtatious smile
Good, 'cause I'm not gonna bother if
you won't be there.
He taps her on the nose and she giggles
INT. TUTORING ROOM
Bianca sits across from Cameron, who's transfixed, as always
Have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's
I really, really, really wanna go, but
I can't. Not unless my sister goes.
I'm workin' on it. But she doesn't seem
to be goin' for him.
She's not a...
Lesbian? No. I found a picture of
Jared Leto in one of her drawers, so I'm
pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex
So that's the kind of guy she likes?
Who knows? All I've ever heard her say
is that she'd dip before dating a guy
Cameron furiously takes notes
All right. What else is she partial
INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
Patrick plays pool with some random deviant cronies.
He looks up when he hears a COMMOTION at the door. LOU the
bouncer is in the midst of throwing Michael and Cameron out.
Lou, it's okay. They're with me.
Lou looks at Patrick, surprised, then reluctantly lets our
two non-deviants pass through.
Patrick guides them to a table and sips from a beer.
What've you got for me?
I've retrieved certain pieces of
information on Miss Katarina Stratford I
think you'll find helpful.
Cameron pulls out a piece of paper.
One question before we start -- should you be drinking
alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Cameron looks up at Patrick.
Number one. She hates smokers
It's a lung cancer issue
Her favorite uncle
Dead at forty-one.
Patrick sits up
Are you telling me I'm a -
(spits the word
Just for now.
Another thing. Bianca said that Kat
likes -- pretty guys.
This is met with silence. Then:
What? You don't think I'm pretty?
Michael smacks Cameron
Okay! I wasn't sure
Cameron goes back to the list.
Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist
prose, and "angry, stinky girl music of
the indie-rock persuasion".
So what does that give me? I'm
supposed to buy her some noodles and a
book and sit around listening to chicks
who can't play their instruments?
Ever been to Club Skunk?
Gigglepuss is playing there tomorrow
Don't make me do it, man
Assail your ears for one night.
It's her favorite band.
I also retrieved a list of her most
recent CD purchases, courtesy of
He hands it over.
Michael -- did you get this information
Michael puts a finger to his lips.
I prefer to think of it simply as an
alternative to what the law allows.
I'm likin' you guys better
He looks down at the list of CDs.
This is really music?
INT. KAT'S ROOM - NIGHT
MUSIC BLARES in a room with minimalist decor splashed with
indie rock band posters and flyers.
Kat and Mandella dance as they dress and apply make-up
Bianca enters, interrupting their fun.
Can you turn down the Screaming
Menstrual Bitches? I'm trying to study.
Kat doesn't move, so Bianca crosses to the stereo, turning
down the volume.
Don't tell me you're actually going
out? On a school night, no less.
Kat shoots her a glare
Oh my God, does this mean you're
It means that Gigglepuss is playing at
Club Skunk and we're going.
Oh, I thought you might have a date
I don't know why I'm bothering to ask,
but are you going to Bogey Lowenstein's
party Saturday night?
What do you think?
I think you're a freak. I think you do
this to torture me. And I think you
She smiles sweetly and shuts the door behind her. Kat
doesn't bat an eye. She grabs her purse and opens the door
Let's hit it.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
A happy black and white neon skunk sprays fine mist on the
line of kids below.
INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT
Kat and Mandella walk in, Mandella nervously pulling out her
fake ID. The giant, afroed bouncer, BRUCE, looks typically
(whispering to Kat)
You think this'll work?
They approach Bruce. Kat puts on her happy, shiny face
Hello! We'd like two for Gigglepuss!
Bruce looks the girls up and down.
I can count.
He looks at their IDs. Mandella gently moves Kat aside,
wearing a face that could only be described as "I AM a
Victoria's Secret model."
I'll bet you can..
She sticks out her chest and licks her lips. Bruce stares
at her deadpan and hands her back the IDs.
(all come hither)
Take it easy on the guys in there.
Mandella winks at him and sashays inside Kat: follows
behind, shaking her head.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
Patrick's mail truck clatters to a stop out front.
INT. CLUB FOYER - NIGHT
Patrick walks up to Bruce, who's frisking a badly mowhawked
PIERCED EYEBROW BOY. Bruce pulls a SWITCHBLADE out of the
boy's inside pocket.
Next time, leave the Bic at home,
It's a bottle opener.
Bruce pushes him inside the club, then sees Patrick.
Verona, my man.
Always a pleasure, Brucie.
Didn't have you pegged for a Gigglepuss
fan. Aren't they a little too pre-teen
belly-button ring for you?
Fan of a fan. You see a couple of
minors come in?
Padua girls. One tall, decent body.
The other one kinda short and
Just sent 'em through.
Patrick starts to go in
Hey -- what happened to that chick you
brought last time? The one with the
Patrick laughs and goes into the club
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
Onstage, the all-female band GIGGLEPUSS is parlaying their
bad girl sass into a ripping punk number.
Near the stage is a joyful mass of pogo-ing teens AT THE BAR
Patrick bellies up and looks around the club. Gigglepuss
finishes a song.
Hello, out there. We're Gigglepuss and
we're from Olympia.
A teenage boy in the audience takes the opportunity to
Pet my kitty!
They rev into their next song.
NEAR THE STAGE
Mandella and Kat glow with sweat. When they hear the
opening chords of the song, they look at each other and
scream with glee as they begin to dance. They couldn't be
having a better time.
AT THE BAR
Patrick signals to get the bartender's attention and looks
across the bouncing surge of the crowd. He spots Kat and
Mandella singing along.
The gleeful Kat -- dancing and looking completely at ease.
None of her usual "attitude". Patrick is transfixed. And
most definitely attracted.
NEAR THE STAGE Kat looks at Mandella.
I need agua!
She makes her way through the crowd to the bar. AT THE BAR
She made it. She signals for the bartender and as she's
waiting, looks around. She spots Patrick a few feet away
She sneaks a glance. He's staring, but this time he looks
away before she can. Despite herself, she's miffed.
The bartender arrives
What can I get you?
She looks at Patrick again. He's completely absorbed in the
band. She scowls. The bottled water arrives and she
marches off, forgetting to pay.
She walks up to Patrick.
You're not fooling anyone.
Patrick looks at her, surprised
hey. Great show, huh?
If you're planning on asking me out you might as well get it
That's what you want, isn't it?
toward the band)
Do you mind? You're sort of ruining it
Kat steams. And watches him watch the band
You're not surrounded by your usual
cloud of smoke.
The band takes a break, so they can stop yelling now
I know. I quit.
He leans back, making no attempt to hit on her. She moves
He motions toward the stage
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill
or The Raincoats, but they're right up
You know who The Raincoats are?
Why, don't you?
She's completely taken aback. He uses the moment to his
advantage and brushes her hair back as he speaks right into
I watched you out there I've never
seen you look like that
Kat steps away, brushing the hair back that he just touched
Her cheeks pinken.
His cocky side is back in a flash
Come to that party with me.
At that moment, the band starts another SONG
The bartender approaches.
(to Kat, yelling)
You forgot to pay!
I got it, Rick.
He tosses some bills on the bar
Rather than thank him, Kat simply watches him, trying to
figure out his motive.
A few people have gotten between them at the bar and she
can't hear a word he's saying. She gives him one last look
and heads back into the crowd.
Patrick smiles. She didn't say no this time.
EXT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT
The crowd files out of the club, Kat and Mandella amongst
them. A^ they're walking toward the parking lot, Patrick
coasts by in his truck. The gears GRIND. He yells out the
What'd he say?
Mandella watches Kat as she stares after Patrick
Has he importun'd you with love in
Kat glances sharply at her.
Don't be Cruella with me. I'm in favor
of romance. You're the one that wants
to march on Washington every five
Kat pokes her, then looks back at the club dreamily.
Gigglepuss was so beyond.
They were. I only wish William could
have been here to witness the rebirth of
punk rock with us.
Kat links her arm through Mandella's and they head for the
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Cameron and Michael are at Michael's locker.
So, then she says that she almost
didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that
dress because she thought she was
mixing, you know, genres. And the fact
that I noticed -- and I'm quoting here -
"really meant something."
Cameron looks At Michael expectantly
You told me that part already.
Hell, I've just been going over the
whole thing in my head and -
Joey appears over Cameron's shoulder.
Hey. Dingo Boingo
Cameron and Michael look at each other And turn around
I hear you're helpin' Verona.
Uh, yeah. We're old friend*
You and Verona?
What? We took bathes together when we
It's incredibly obvious that he's lying. Joey eyes him then
turns to Cameron.
What's your gig in all this?
I'm just the new guy.
Joey turns back to Michael, grabbing the alligator on his
shirt and twisting it.
You better not fuck this up. I'm
Hey -- it's all for the higher good
Joey lets go of Michael and SHOVES Cameron against a locker
for good measure, as he walks away-
Is it about me?
EXT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Kat sits outside waiting for her appointment, bored and
The door opens and Miss Perky escorts Patrick out
You're completely demented.
See you next week!
Kat stands and Patrick sees her.
Miss Perky watches in horror
You two know each other?
Miss Perky grabs Kat and shoves her into her office.
Dear God, stay away from her. If you
two ever decided to breed, evil would
truly walk the earth.
Patrick gives Kat one last look before the door shuts, then
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
The lights are on, illuminating the yard
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Bianca and Chastity stand outside Kat's room. MUSIC is
blaring and the door is shut. Bianca looks at her watch
She's obviously not going.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Across the carpet, two pairs of teenage girl feet sneak
past. Bianca and Chastity, teddy bear purses in hand.
FROM THE KITCHEN A RUSTLING is heard. The girls freeze.
Walter emerges from the kitchen with a mile-high sandwich
The girls are like statues. Walter jumps.
Daddy, I --
And where're you going?
If you must know, we were attempting to
go to a small study group of friends.
Otherwise known as an orgy?
It's just a party. Daddy, but I knew
you'd forbid me to go since "Gloria
Steinem" over there isn't going --
She points to Kat -- Walkman blaring -- who comes
downstairs, wearing a baby tee and battered Levis. Her
relaxing-at-home look is about 400 times sexier than her at-
school look. She wanders toward the kitchen.
Walter directs his attention toward Kat.
Do you know about any party? Katarina?
Kat shrugs as she comes back out of the kitchen with an
Daddy, people expect me to be there!
If Kat's not going, you're not going.
Bianca turns to Kat, eyes ablaze
You're ruining my life' Because you
won't be normal, I can't be normal.
Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal, but
you're too busy listening to Bitches Who
Need Prozac to know that.
What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
Kat takes off her earphones, ready to do battle
Can't you forget for just one night
that you're completely wretched?
At least I'm not a clouted fen- sucked
Bianca tosses her hair.
Like I'm supposed to know what that
It's Shakespeare. Maybe you've heard
Yeah, he's your freak friend Mandella's
boyfriend. I guess since I'm not
allowed to go out, I should obsess over
a dead guy, too.
Kat stares Bianca down
I know about the goddamn party. I'm
Bianca and Chastity look at each other, thrilled, and burst
into gleeful screams.
A startled Walter clutches Bianca in a protective hug.
Oh, God. It's starting.
It's just a party. Daddy.
Walter looks dazed.
Wear the belly before you go.
Just for a minute
He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-
I want you to realize the weight of
He hangs the belly on her as she stands mortified.
You are so completely unbalanced.
Can we go now?
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Promise me you won't talk to any boys
unless your sister is present.
Because she'll scare them away.
Kat stomps to the door, grabbing her car keys off the hall
table and a sweater from the coat rack. She flings open the
There stands Patrick.
Kat's in shock
She holds up her keys
He peeks in behind her.
Who knocked up your sister?
INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
BOGEY, a short Future MBA in a tux, greets his guests like a
pro, handing out cigars and martinis.
Nice to see you. Martini bar to the
right, shots in the kitchen.
The house is filled to capacity with Padua High's finest Kat
pushes through the crowd. Patrick saunters in behind her
INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Joey lines up a row of shots amid much whooping and
hollering within the jock crowd.
Kat enters, then quickly tries to make an about face. Joey
sees her and rushes over to block her, standing in the
Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Kat
Kat gives him a death look and then stops and points at his
Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline
He panics, whipping out a handy pocket mirror She's
already walking away.
Where ya goin?
Your sister here?
Kat's face shows utter hatred
Leave my sister alone.
And why would I do that?
A RUCKUS sounds from the next room
The other jocks rush to watch as two Coffee Kids splash
their cupfuls on each other.
COFFEE KID #1
That was a New Guinea Peaberry, you
Caffeinated fists fly. Joey slithers away from the door to
watch, giving Kat one last smirk, just as Bianca walks into
Just who I was looking for.
He puts his arm around Bianca and escorts her out
Bianca keeps walking, ignoring Kat
A GUY pouring shots hands Kat one She downs it and accepts
Drink up, sister.
Patrick walks up
"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that
what you're supposed to do at a party?
I say, do what you wanna do.
Funny, you're the only one
She downs another.
INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Cameron and Michael enter. Cameron looks, around for his
beloved, while Michael schmoozee with all in attendance and
dishes dirt simultaneously.
Moose, my man!
Ranked fifth in the state. Recruiters
have already started calling.
Cameron nods intently
grabbing his belt)
A Patsy Cline fan, but hates the new
(with a Jamaican
Ziggy, peace, bra.
Prefers a water pipe, but has been
known to use a bong.
Michael spots Bianca and Chastity, watching the skirmish,
and points Cameron's body in her direction.
Follow the love, man
ON BIANCA AND CHASTITY Bianca cranes her neck
Where did he go? He was just here.
Cameron walks over.
Bianca turns and graces him with a pained smile.
Looks like things worked out tonight,
Bianca ignores the question and tries to pawn him off
You know Chastity?
I believe we share an art instructor
Would you mind getting me a drink,
Pabst? Old Milwaukee? RaiJieer?
Bianca gives him a tense smile.
He heads for the kitchen. Joey walks up and grabs her
around the waist.
She giggles as he picks her up and carries her off -- just
as Cameron returns, a beer -- complete with a napkin and
straw -- in his hand.
Chastity glares with a jealous fury after Bianca and Joey,
then gives Cameron the once-over and walks away.
Extremely unfortunate maneuver.
The hell is that? What kind of 'guy
just picks up a girl and carries her
away while you're talking to her?
Buttholus extremus. But hey, you're
No, I ' m not.
He smacks himself in the head
She used me! She wants to go out with
Dorsey. Not me. I'm an idiot!
Michael pats him on the shoulder.
At least you're self-aware
BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
Kat and a crowd of White Rastas and Cowboys stand in a
drunken group hug singing "I Shot the Sheriff". Kat has
another shot glass in hand.
Patrick is showing a scar to an inebriated, enraptured
cheerleader. He looks up at Kat and smiles meets his eyes
then looks away.
INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bianca stands next to Joey, sipping from her beer
So yeah, I've got the Sears catalog
thing going -- and the tube sock gig "
that's gonna be huge. And then I'm up
for an ad for Queen Harry next week.
It's a gay cruise line, but I'll be,
like, wearing a uniform and stuff.
Bianca tries to appear impressed, but it's getting
My agent says I've got a good shot at
being the Prada guy next year.
He looks over her shoulder and waves at someone. Bianca
takes the opportunity to escape.
I'll be right back.
INT. BOGEY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
Bianca shuts the door and leans on it with a sigh. Chastity
applies lip-gloss in the mirror.
He practically proposed when he found
out we had the same dermatologist. I
mean. Dr. Bonchowski is great an all,
but he's not exactly relevant party
Is he oily or dry?
Combination. I don't know -- I thought
he'd be different. More of a
Chastity rolls her eyes
Bianca, I don't think the highlights of
dating Joey Dorsey are going to include
door-opening and coat-holding.
Sometimes I wonder if the guys we're
supposed to want to go out with are the
ones we actually want to go out with,
All I know is -- I'd give up my private
line to go out with a guy like Joey.
There's a KNOCK at the door. Bianca opens it to find a very
Bianca, I need to talk to you -- I need
to tell you --
(cutting her off)
I really don't think I need any social
advice from you right now.
Bianca grabs Chastity's arm and they exit
INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT - LATER
Patrick tries to remove a shot glass from Kat's hand.
Maybe you should let me have it.
Kat is fierce in her refusal to let go
I want another one
Joey enters, grabbing Patrick by the shoulder, distracting
him from his task.
As Patrick turns, Kat breaks free and dives into the sea of
dancing people in the dining room.
It's about time.
A deal's a deal.
He peels off some bills
How'd you do it?
Get her to act like a human
A very drunken Kat jumps up onto the kitchen island and
starts dancing by herself. She lets loose, hair flying.
She's almost burlesque.
Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on
She swings her head around BANGING it on a copper pot
hanging from the rack above the center island. She starts
to sway, then goes down as Patrick rushes over to catch her.
The others CLAP, thinking this is a wonderful finale.
Patrick sets her down on her feet, holding her up
I'm fine. I'm
She tries to push him away, but staggers when she does grabs
her again, bracing her.
You're not okay.
I just need to lie down for awhile
Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to
I know, just let me sleep
What if you have a concussion? My dog
went to sleep with a concussion and woke
up a vegetable. Not that I could tell
She tries to sit on the floor
Okay, I'll just sleep but stay awake,
He pulls her back to her
C'mon, let's walk
INT. BOGEY'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
As Patrick walks Kat through the dining room, Cameron grabs
CAMERON We need to talk.
Cameron, I'm a little busy
It's off. The whole thing.
Kat slides down to the floor and Patrick struggles to get h
back on her feet.
What 're you talking about?
She's partial to Joey, not me
Patrick doesn't have time for this.
Cameron -- do you like the girl?
Then, go get her
Patrick continues walking an oblivious Kat outside. Cameron
stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice
EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Patrick marches Kat around the yard, holding her up
This is so patronizing.
Leave it to you to use big words when
Why 're you doing this?
I told you
You don't care if I die
Sure, I do
Because then I'd have to start taking
out girls who like me.
Like you could find one
See that? Who needs affection when
I've got blind hatred?
Just let me sit down.
He walks her over to the swingset and plops her down in a
swing, moving her hands to hang onto the chains.
She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then
FALLS over backward.
Jesus. You're like a weeble
Patrick rushes to right her, then starts pushing her on the
swing to keep her entertained.
Why'd you let him get to you?
I hate him.
I know. It'd have to be a pretty big
deal to get you to mainline tequila. You
don't seem like the type.
(holding up a
Hey man. . . You don ' t think I can
be "cool"? You don't think I can be
"laid back" like everyone else?
I thought you were above all that
You know what they say
He stops the swing
No. What do they say?
Kat is asleep, her head resting against the swing's chains.
He drags her to her feet and starts singing loudly.
Jingle Bells! Jingle Belles! Wake up
He sits her down on the slide and shakes her like a rag
Kat! Wake up!
He sighs with relief.
I thought you were...
They share some meaningful eye contact. And then she PUKES
on his shoes.
INT. BOGEY'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kat washes her face and grabs a bottle of Scope, taking a
A KNOCK sounds at the door
Bianca opens the door and looks at her sister with the
smuggest of all possible grins.
Dinner taste better on the way out?
Gives her a "don't even start" look.
I don't get you. You act like you're
too good for any of this, and then you
go totally apeshit when you get here.
She pushes past her and leaves the bathroom.
KAT'S CAR - NIGHT
Kat's in the driver's seat. Patrick leans in and takes the
keys out of the ignition.
BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Kids loiter on the lawn. Bianca and Chastity walk outside
Joey catches up to them.
A bunch of us are going to Jaret's
house. Wanna come?
Chastity looks at Bianca, who wears a pained expression.
She looks at her watch.
I have to be home in twenty minutes.
(eagerly, to Joey)
I don't have to be home 'til two.
Maybe next time --
They head back into the party, leaving an astonished Bianca
Cameron exits the party and stops when he sees Bianca
Have fun tonight?
He starts to walk on
He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.
Do you think you could give me a ride
INT. KAT'S CAR - NIGHT
Patrick drives as Kat sits in the passenger seat, fiddling
with the radio dial. She finds a SONG she's happy with and
Patrick quickly changes it.
I'm driving, so I get to pick the
She changes it back to her song.
It's my car.
He changes it back.
And I'm in control of it.
But it's Gigglepuss - I know you like
them. I saw you there.
Patrick doesn't have an answer for this, so he let's her
listen to her song.
When you were gone last year -- where
Were you in jail?
No, you weren't
Then why'd you ask?
Why'd you lie?
He doesn't answer, but instead, frowns and turns up the
music. She bobs her head drunkenly.
I should do this.
She points to the radio
Start a band?
My father wouldn't approve of that that
You don't strike me as the type that
would ask permission.
She turns to look at him.
Oh, so now you think you know me?
I'm gettin' there
Her voice loses it's venom
The only thing people know about me is
that I'm "scary".
He turns to look at her -- she looks anything but scary
right now. He tries to hide his smile.
Yeah -- well, I'm no picnic myself.
They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection,
realizing they're both created the same exterior for
Patrick pulls into her driveway and shuts off the motor. He
looks up at her house.
So what ' s up with your dad? He a
pain in the ass?
He just wants me to be someone I'm not.
No offense, but you're sister is
without. I know everyone likes her and
all, but ...
Kat stares at him with new admiration.
You know -- you're not as vile as I
thought you were.
She leans drunkenly toward him.
Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then
Patrick turns away
So, I'll see you in school
Kat stares at him, pissed. Then gets out of the car,
SLAMMING the door shut behind her.
CAMERON'S CAR - NIGHT
Bianca and Cameron ride in silence.
He finally breaks it.
I looked for you back at the party, but
you always seemed to be "occupied".
You never wanted to go out with 'me,
Bianca bites her lip.
Then that's all you had to say.
You always been this selfish?
BIANCA thinks a minute
He pulls up in front of the house
Just because you're beautiful, doesn't
mean you can treat people like they
She looks at him for a moment -- then grabs his face and
gives him a kiss on the lips. He draws back in surprise,
then kisses her back. She smiles, then gets out of the car
without another word.
Cameron grins and drives away
And I'm back in the saddle.
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Kat sits at her desk, burying her face in a book as the
others enter. The White Rastas are first.
Kat, my lady, you sway to the rhythm of
He grabs her hand and kisses it as she pulls it away.
CLEM, a cowboy, enters, high-fiving Derek with new-found
Yippe kai-aye, bra.
Dance for me, cowgirl.
He sits next to Derek
Okay, now tell me again why he didn't
shoot the deputy?
Because the deputy meant him no harm,
my friend. It was only the sheriff that
was the oppressor.
Joey saunters in and takes his seat.
Kat, babe, you were on fire.
Mrs. Blaise enters and sits at her desk
Well now, did everyone have a good
Maybe we should ask Verona
Patrick enters, late, and slinks to his desk. Kat looks up,
down and around, everywhere but at Patrick.
Mrs. Blaise tries to remember what she's supposed to talk
Okay then. Well.
She clears her throat.
I'd like you all to write your own
version of Shakespeare's Sonnet #141.
Any form you'd like. Rhyme, no rhyme,
whatever. I'd like to see you elaborate
on his theme, however. Let's read it
aloud, shall we? Anyone?
The class is frozen in apathy.
Ms. Blaise hands him the sonnet. He shifts uncomfortably in
his seat. Then grins.
(reading; in his
Rasta stoner drawl)
In faith, I do not love thee with mine
eyes/ For they in thee a thousand errors
note/ But 'tis my heart that loves what
they despise/ Who in despite of view is
pleas 'd to dote.
In the back of the room Clem raises his hand
Ms. Blaise, can I get the bathroom
pass? Damn if Shakespeare don't act as
a laxative on my person.
INT. KENNY'S THAI FOOD DINER - DAY
Kat and Mandella scrape the peanuts out of their sauce.
You went to the party? I thought we
were officially opposed to suburban
I didn't have a choice.
You didn't have a choice? Where's Kat
and what have you done with her?
I did Bianca a favor and it backfired.
I got drunk. I puked. I got rejected.
It was big fun.
Patrick enters, walking to the counter to order. He sees Kat
She gathers her things and bolts out the door. Patrick
looks at Mandella, who shrugs and follows Kat.
INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY Cameron and Michael flank Patrick
at his lab table
So you got cozy with she who stings?
No - I've got a sweet-payin' job that
I'm about to lose.
What'd you do to her?
I don ' t know.
I decided not to nail her when she was
too drunk to remember it.
Michael and Cameron look at each other in realization, then
turn back to Patrick.
You realize this puts the whole operation in peril.
No shit. She won't even look at me
Why can't you just tell her you're sorry?
Patrick's expression says that this is not a possibility.
Michael makes a time out sign with his hands.
I'm on it
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mandella is at her locker. Drawings of William Shakespeare
adorn the door. She looks at them with a sigh, then ties
her silk scarf tightly around her neck, in an attempt to cut
off her air supply.
Michael walks up.
Hey there. Tired of breathing?
(shyly, as she
loosens the scarf)
Cool pictures. You a fan?
Yeah. I guess.
MICHAEL rocks. Very hip.
She looks at him suspiciously
Who could refrain that had a heart to
love and in that heart, courage to make
' B love known?
Michael thinks for a minute.
Kat a fan, too?
He leans in close to her, conspiratorially
So, listen... I have this friend
EXT. FIELD HOCKEY FIELD - DAY
Cameron sits next to Patrick on the bleachers as they watch
She hates you with the fire of a
thousand suns . That's a direct quote
She just needs time to cool off I'll
give it a day.
A PUCK flies at them from the field, narrowly missing their
He looks at Cameron.
You makin' any headway?
She kissed me.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Chastity rounds the corner and bends down to get a drink
from the water fountain.
Joey stands talking to two JOCK COHORTS. The guys don't see
Don't talk to me about the sweetest
date. That little halo Bianca is gonna
be prone and proven on prom night. Six
virgins in a row.
The cohorts chortle Chastity keeps drinking from the
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Joey leans against Patrick's Jeep. Patrick is inside.
I don't know, Dorsey. ..the limo.-the
flowers. Another hundred for the tux --
Enough with the Barbie n' Ken shit. I
He pulls out his wallet and hands Patrick a wad of money
Patrick does, with a smile, as he ROARS out of the parking
INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY
Kat and Mandella deface a prom flyer.
Can you even imagine? Who the hell
would go to this a bastion of commercial
Well, I guess we're not, since we don't
have dates .
Listen to you! You sound like Betty,
all pissed off because Archie is taking
Okay, okay, we won't go. It's not like
I have a dress anyway
You ' re looking at this from the wrong
perspective. We're making a statement.
Oh, good. Something new and different
EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY
Mr. Chapin patrols as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets
Joey swaggers up to Bianca, who is taking careful aim.
Chastity watches from across the row.
Hey, sweet cheeks.
(not looking at
You're concentrating awfully hard
considering it's gym class.
She lets the arrow go and turns to look at him.
Listen, I want to talk to you about the
You know the deal. I can ' t go if Kat
doesn't go --
In the background, a RASTA crumples to the ground. Hit
A casualty of Gym. Mr. Chapin scurries over.
Your sister is going.
Bianca looks at him, surprised
Joey takes the bow and arrow from Bianca's hand. He draws
back and takes aim.
I'm taking care of it.
Chastity looks over from her spot on the field, but keeps
lips firmly shut.
INT. BOOK STORE - DAY
Kat browses through the feminist lit section
Patrick appears, through a hole in the books.
Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine
Mystique? I lost my copy.
What are you doing here?
I heard there was a poetry reading.
You 're so --
Kat stares at him, deadpan.
Unwelcome? I guess someone still has
her panties in a twist.
Don't for one minute think that you had
any effect whatsoever on my panties.
So what did I have an effect on ?
Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.
She pushes past him and heads out the' door
Pat looks down at the book he's been holding in his hand:
Taming of the Shrew.
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
Cameron and Michael flank Patrick as he shovels food into
You were right. She's still pissed.
Sweet love, renew thy force!
Man -- don't say shit like that to me.
People can hear you.
You humiliated the woman! Sacrifice
yourself on the altar of dignity and
even the score.
Best case scenario, you're back on the
payroll for awhile.
What's the worst?
You get the girl.
Patrick thinks for a minute
If I go down. I'm takin' her with me
INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Kat and the other students sit at their desks, taking a quiz
Patrick's seat is conspicuously empty.
From outside, we hear the soft, unsure beginnings of a SONG.
Kat looks up, then out the window, HORRIFIED.
The song grows louder until we realize it's The Partridge
Family's "I Think I Love You". Being sung by Patrick.
"This morning, I woke up with this
feeling, I didn't know how to deal with,
and so I just decided to myself--"
The STUDENTS rush to the window. OUTSIDE Patrick stands
beneath the window, crooning.
Scurvy is next to him, keeping the beat on the bongos and
doing backup vocal s.
"I'd hide it to myself. And never talk
about it. And didn't I go and shout it
when you walked into the room --"
He makes quite a sarcastic show of it.
IN THE CLASSROOM
Mrs. Blaise touches her heart, as if the song is for her.
Kat slowly walks to the window, peeking below.
Patrick smiles at her as he finishes the verse with a big
" I think I love you I "
The other students laugh, clap, cheer, etc. Kat sinks down,
mortified, but with a slight smile
INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY
Patrick and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling
over their misfortune.
Nice song, Verona.
He makes the appropriate hand gesture
Mr. Chapin, the gym teacher, sits at the desk in front,
ignoring them while he reads a girly weightlifting magazine
KAT (0. S.)
Excuse me, Mr. Chapin?
Patrick looks up at the sound of her voice and sees Kat
standing in the doorway. She gives him a smile and he perks
up a little.
Kat walks into the room and addresses Mr. Chapin again. He
turns fully to face her.
Sir, I'd like to state for the record
that Mr. Verona ' s current
incarceration is unnecessary. I never
filed a complaint.
You didn't have to. He disrupted a
Kat glances over at Patrick and motions her head toward the
Patrick shrugs, not knowing what she ' s talking about.
She motions again, and looks toward the window with an
expression that says, "Make a break for it, moron."
Kat brings her attention back to Mr. Chapin while Patrick
inches out of his seat toward the window.
The other miscreants watch with glee.
But, Mr. Chapin, I hardly think a
simple serenade warrants a week of
detention. There are far more hideous
acts than off-key singing being
performed by the student body on a
Patrick is halfway out the window now. And none too happy
about it, considering they're on the second floor.
He eyes a large TREE a few feet away from MR. CHAPIN. He
starts to turn away from Kat
You're not gonna change my mind, Kat.
Kat starts to panic, as Patrick has yet to make the jump for
Wait, Mr. Chapin. There's something
I've always wanted to show you.
He turns back toward her again, the very second before he
would have spotted Patrick.
Kat glances toward the window. Patrick's just about to make
From behind, we see her lift up her shirt and flash her bra
at Mr. Chapin, just as Patrick makes the Jump.
The miscreants cheer, for both the daring' escape and the
flash of skin.
Mr. Chapin reddens and tries to be stern.
I'm going to let that slide, Katarina.
But if I catch you doing that again,
you'll be in here with the rest of these
He motions to the remaining detention prisoners, without
noticing Patrick's absence.
Kat smiles at him.
Thank you, Mr. Chapin.
Kat bolts out the door. Mr. Chapin goes back to his muscle
mag, wiping the sweat from his brow.
EXT. SCHOOL CAMPUS LAWN
Kat arrives at the tree. looking around breathlessly, seeing
He left! I sprung the dickhead and he
cruised on me.
Look up, sunshine
She does. He's still in the tree
I guess I never told you I'm afraid of
C'mon. It's not that bad
Try lookin' at it from this angle
She assesses the branch structure
Put your right foot there --
Forget it. I'm stayin'.
You want me to climb up and show you
how to get down?
She sighs and dose so. When she gets to his level, she
perches on the branch next to him. He grins at her.
Then swings himself down with the grace and ease of a
monkey, leaving her sitting there, realizing she's been
She climbs down after him
EXT. OUTDOOR ARCADE - DAY
Patrick and Kat walk amongst the games
The Partridge Family?
I figured it had to be something
ridiculous to win your respect. And
piss you off.
So how'd you get Chapin to look the
I dazzled him with my wit
She stops and picks up a toy gun that SHOOTS water at
giggling hyenas and wails on it. The barker hands her a
stuffed animal as her prize. She hands it to the small KID
next to her and they continue walking.
A soft side? Who knew?
Yeah, well, don't let it get out
So what's your excuse?
Acting the way we do.
I don't like to do what people expect.
Then they expect it all the time and
they get disappointed when you change.
So if you disappoint them from the
start, you're covered?
Something like that
Then you screwed up
You never disappointed me.
She blushes under his gaze
You up for it?
For. . . ?
He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game. She grins
SERIES OF SHOTS:
The two of them creep through the paint-ball course,
stealthy and full of the desire to best the other.
Patrick nails Kat in the back with a big glob of red paint
Kat gets him in the chest with a glob of blue.
Patrick returns fire with a big yellow splat to the side of
Kat squirts a green shot to his forehead After a few more
shots, they're both covered in paint
She tries to shoot him again, only to find that her gun is
Patrick grabs her in a victorious tackle. They land,
It's hard to even recognize them, as their hair and faces
are so smeared with paint globs, but they still manage to
find each other's eyes.
He wipes a smear of blue paint away from her lips, as he
goes to kiss her.
NEARBY The kid with the stuffed animal, points
His mother hurries him away. What's started as a tackle has
turned into a passionate kiss
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT
Patrick pulls up in Kat's driveway. Their paint wardrobe
has dried by now and they look like refugees from some
strange, yet colorful, war.
I know the porn career's a lie.
He shuts off the car and turns to her.
He kisses her neck. It tickles. She laughs.
Tell me something true.
I hate peas.
No -- something real. Something no one
You're sweet. And sexy. And
completely hot for me.
No one else knows
You're amazingly self-assured. Has
anyone ever told you that?
Go to the prom with me
Kat's smile disappears.
Is that a request or a command?
You know what I mean
No, I won't go with you
Because I don't want to. It's a stupid
Patrick sits quietly, torn. He can't very well tell her he
being paid to take her.
People won't expect you to go...
Kat turns to him, getting angry.
Why are you doing this?
All of it -- what's in it for you?
He sits silently, not looking at her, confirming her
Create a little drama? Start a new
So I have to have a motive to be with
You tell me.
You need therapy. Has anyone ever told
Answer the question, Patrick
Nothing! There's nothing in it for me.
Just the pleasure of your company.
He takes out a cigarette. She breaks it in half before she
SLAMS the car door and walks into the house.
Patrick PEELS out of the driveway. Kat turns at the front
door and watches him go
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Patrick pulls up to a stop light and waits for .the green
He glances over at A DRUNKEN HOMELESS GUY in the median, who
has decided that he doesn't need to wear pants.
Patrick pulls out his wallet, takes the wad of money Joey
gave him and hands it to the homeless guy.
cover that up
The light turns green and Patrick pulls away
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT
Kat stands at the sink, scrubbing paint off of her face
Bianca TAPS on the open door.
Quick question -- are you going to the
Kat pushes the door shut with a SLAM
INT. STUDY HALL - DAY
Cameron and Bianca sit together at their study cubby. She
fingers a strand of her hair.
Then Guillermo says, "If you go any
lighter, you're gonna look like an extra
Bianca stares at him for a moment.
do you listen to this crap?
Me. This endless ...blonde babble. I'm
like, boring myself.
Thank God! If I had to hear one more
story about your coiffure...
He mock stabs himself with a pencil as she giggles and
smacks his hand away.
I figured you'd get to the good stuff
What good stuff?
The "real you".
Like my fear of wearing pastels?
He looks stricken.
You know how sometimes you just become
this "persona"? And you don't know how
(matter of fact)
Okay -- you're gonna need to learn how
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Mandella struggles with the lock on her locker. Finally, it
Hanging inside is a beautiful DRESS, inspired by the 16th
Century. Mandella slowly unpins a NOTE from the dress.
INSERT - "0 FAIR ONE. JOIN ME AT THE PROM. I WILL BE
WAITING. LOVE, WILLIAM S."
Mandella's agog. Trevor walks by and sees her holding the
You're gonna look splendiferous in
Mandella looks up sharply, shaken from her reverie.
that's cool to say.
Mandella grins It is
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/DEN - DAY
Sharon is at her computer, Walter at his exercise bike
Would you rather be ravished by a
pirate or a British rear admiral?
Pirate -- no question.
Bianca enters and walks over to Walter
Daddy, I want to discuss the prom with
you. It's tomorrow night --
The prom? Kat has a date?
It's that hot rod Joey, right? That ' s
who you want me to bend my rules for?
He's not a "hot rod". Whatever that
You're not going unless your sister
goes. End of story.
Fine. I see that I'm a prisoner in my
own house. I'm not a daughter. I'm a
Bianca storms out.
You know what happens at proms?
Sharon stops her typing and looks up at Walter
They'll dance, they'll kiss, they'll
come home. Let her go.
Kissing? Is that what you think
happens? Kissing isn't what keeps me up
to my elbows in placenta all day.
INT. BIANCA'S ROOM - NIGHT
Bianca lies on her bed. MTV blares. A KNOCK sounds.
Kat enters and sits down on the bed, muting the TV.
Listen, I know you hate having to sit
home because I'm not Susie High School.
Like you care.
I do care. But I'm a firm believer in
doing something for your own reasons,
not someone else ' s .
I wish I had that luxury. I'm the only
sophomore that got asked to the prom and
I can't go, because you won ' t.
Kat clears her throat
Joey never told you we went out, did
In 9th. For a month
He was, like, a total babe
But you hate Joey
Now I do. Back then, was a different
Kat takes a deep breath.
He said everyone was doing it. So I
You did what?
Just once. Afterwards, I told him I
didn't want to anymore. I wasn't ready.
He got pissed. Then he broke up with
Bianca stares at her, dumbfounded
After that, I swore I'd never do
anything just because "everyone else"
was doing it. And I haven't since.
Except for Bogey's party, and my
stunning gastro-intestinal display --
Why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to let you make up your own
mind about him.
No. you didn't! If you really thought
I could make my own decisions, you
would've let me go out with him instead
of helping Daddy hold me hostage.
Kat stands up slowly
I'm not stupid enough to repeat your
I guess I thought I was protecting you.
God, you're just like him! Just keep me
locked away in the dark, so I can't
experience anything for myself
Not all experiences are good, Bianca.
You can't always trust the people you
I guess I'll never know, will I?
She rises and holds the door open for Kat, then slams it
EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
A sprinkler cruises the lawn.
INT. KAT'S ROOM - DAY
Kat lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and
picks up the phone.
BIANCA'S ROOM - DAY
Bianca, still in her pajamas, eats a bowl of cereal while
watching "I Love Lucy" reruns.
A KNOCK sounds
Kat opens the door and peers in with a grin
Feel like shopping?
Bianca looks up, hopefully.
LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Walter and Sharon are in front of the television. Walter
has the TV Guide in hand, glasses on.
What do you wanna watch? We've got
crap, crap, crap or crap
Bianca walks into the living room. She's wearing a prom
Walter scurries takes off his glasses and looks from Bianca
Honey, you look beautiful!
You like? My date should be here in
I'm missing something.
I have a date, Daddy. And he ' s not a
captain of oppression like some men we
The DOORBELL RINGS. Bianca runs to open it. There stands
CAMERON. He takes in Bianca's outfit.
Walter rises. Sharon pulls him back down on the couch
Have a great time, honey!
But -- who -- what --?
The door SLAMS. As Sharon looks at Walter with a grin, a
blur rushes down the stairs and out the door. The blur has
Kat ' s voice.
Hey, guys. I'm going to the prom. See
you in a few.
The door SLAMS again. Walter and Sharon 'are alone
What just happened?
Your daughters went to the prom.
Did I have anything to say about it?
That ' s what I thought
The DOORBELL RINGS again. Walter opens it to find Joey on
the porch, wearing a tux.
I'm here to pick up Bianca.
He SLAMS the door shut
EXT HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Kat pulls up in her car, emerging resplendent in an ice
Patrick sits on the steps, waiting. In a tux.
How'd you get a tux at the last minute?
It's Scurvy's. His date got convicted.
Where'd you get the dress?
It's just something I had. You know
Look, I'm -- sorry -- that I
questioned your motives. I was wrong.
Patrick winces slightly, but covers it with a smile
He remains seated. Kat fidgets nervously.
are you ready?
He rises and stares at her, taking in her image
appreciatively. She blushes and turns away.
C'mon. Let's get this over with.
INT. PROM - NIGHT
A hotel ballroom transformed into a fantasy world. Patrick
and Kat enter, Kat attempting to deny the romance of it.
Quite the ostentatious display
A cowboy two-steps by them, dragging some poor girl around
Look, Clem even wore his good boots
Kat steps forward, looking around and spots Cameron and
Bianca dancing cheek to cheek. She smiles.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Mandella enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,
hair piled on top of her head. She spots Kat and hurries
Have you seen him?
William - he asked me to meet him here.
Oh, honey -- tell me we haven't'
progressed to full-on hallucinations.
Patrick looks toward the door and taps Kat. She turns and
points Mandella the same way.
Michael - in full Shakespearean dress with a new goatee on
his chin - bows in their direction. Mandella's grin couldn't
Michael swashbuckles over to them, taking Mandella's hand
and leading her onto the dance floor.
Patrick rolls his eyes.
INT. PROM - NIGHT - LATER
Kat and Patrick dance to a slow SONG. Whatever he's
whispering into her ear is making her laugh.
Cam and Bianca dance nearby, glowing with happiness. She
whispers something in his ear and heads for the ladies' room
INT. LADIES ROOM - NIGHT
Bianca walks in, positively radiant. Chastity emerges from a
What are you doing here?
Chastity checks her hair in the mirror, aloof.
You think you ' re the only sophomore
at the prom?
Chastity maintains her snooty tone.
And just so you know, my date isn't
planning on spending most of the night
in his backseat.
BIANCA What're you talking about?
Joey Dorsey is only after one thing - -
your cherry. He practically made a
Appalled, Bianca storms out. Chastity tries to backpedal.
I wanted to tell you
INT. PROM - NIGHT
Joey, drunk, disorderly and pissed off, walks in with a few
stray jocks - also dateless. He zeroes in on Cameron, now
consoling a pissed-off Bianca.
Patrick and Kat continue to slow dance, oblivious to the
evil about to erupt.
My grandmother's .
That's where I was last year. She'd
never lived alone -- my grandfather died
-- I stayed with her. I wasn't in jail,
I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I've
never slept with a Spice Girl. I spent
a year sitting next to my grandma on the
couch watching Wheel of Fortune. End of
He takes a breath and looks away, not meeting her eyes. Kat
stares at him for a moment and laughs a delighted laugh
That ' s completely adorable!
It gets worse -- you still have your
He's interrupted by Joey's hand on his shoulder.
What's Bianca doing here with that
cheese dick? I didn't pay you to let
some little punk ass snake me.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Michael spots the altercation and dances Mandella over to
Cameron and Bianca.
Feces hitting fan. C'mon
Michael takes Cameron aside, leaving Mandella and Bianca
staring after them.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Michael and Cameron approach Joey as he continues to taunt
Patrick who keeps quiet, realizing the weight of this
Joey, pal, compadre. Let's take it
Joey turns toward Michael and Cameron.
JOEY You two are in big trouble
Cameron faces Joey.
Admit it. You lost. Be a man.
Joey PUNCHES Cameron in the face, taking him by surprise
Cameron holds his nose as it bleeds onto his tux
The various cliques descend angrily and Joey is soon
surrounded by seething Cowboys, Coffee Kids and White
Very uncool, my brother
I'm not your brother, white boy.
The other Rastas GASP, as if stung by the realization that
Joey turns back to Patrick and Kat.
Just so you know -- she'll only spread
her legs once.
Kat looks from Joey to Patrick, not sure what she's hearing.
Joey pushes through the crowd but a HAND drags him back.
It's Bianca. And she BELTS the hell out of him
That's for making my date bleed
She BELTS him again
That's for my sister.
And that's for me.
Cliques now descend on Joey, punching him wildly.
And that's for the fourth grade,
HOTEL - NIGHT
KAT runs down the stairs, Patrick chasing her
You were paid to take me out! By --
the one person I truly hate. I knew it
was a set-up!
It wasn't like that.
Really? What was it like? A down
payment now, then a bonus for sleeping
I didn't care about the money.
He catches up to her now
I cared about --
She turns to face him with a countenance more in sorrow than
You are so not what I thought you were.
He grabs her and kisses her to shut her up. After a second,
she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.
Bianca stands at the top of the stairs, watching. She's
never looked more guilty.
INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY
Kat is sprawled on the couch in sweats, wrapped in a
blanket, watching "Sixteen Candles". When Molly Ringwald
leans across the birthday cake to get a kiss from her dream
date, Kat changes the channel disgustedly, settling for an
The phone sits next to her. Not ringing. Bianca breezes
in, bearing a cup of tea.
Are you sure you don't want to come
with us? It'll be fun.
Kat takes the tea and gives a weak smile.
I ' m sure .
Bianca sits down next to her
You looked beautiful last night, you
So did you
Bianca gives her a squeeze, then jumps up when the DOORBELL
rings, opening the door to a waiting Cameron. He peeks his
I hope so.
The door shuts behind her as Walter enters.
Was that your sister?
Yeah. She left with some bikers Big
ones. Full of sperm.
Walter sits down on the arm of the chair and watches the
infomercial with Kat.
I don't understand the allure of
dehydrated food. Is this something I
should be hip to?
So tell me about this dance. Was it
Parts of it.
The part where Bianca beat the hell out
of some guy.
Bianca did what?
What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed
off on her?
No -- impressed.
Kat looks up in surprise.
You know, fathers don't like to admit
that their daughters are capable of
running their own lives. It means we've
become spectators. Bianca still lets me
play a few innings. You've had me on
the bleachers for years. When you go to
Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to
watch the game.
When I go?
Oh, Christ. Don't tell me you've
changed your mind. I already sent 'em a
Kat reaches over and gives him a hug
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Kat stands grabs a box of cornflakes
from the food line.
CAMERON (0. S.)
She turns and looks at him
I'd like to express my apologies.
I didn't mean for you to get -- When
Bianca asked me to find you a boyfriend,
I had no idea it would turn out so --
ugly. I would never have done anything
to compromise your - - -
He trails off when he realizes she's thrown her food tray
against the wall and marched off -- the old "kill, kill"
look back in her eyes.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Kat stomps up the hallway, full of menace
CLASSROOM - DAY
Bianca's English teacher perches on the edge of a desk, open
book in hand.
Who can tell me at what point Lucentio
admits his deception?
The door of the classroom FLIES open and an angry Kat stalks
in, yanking Bianca from her chair and dragging her toward
(to the teacher)
HALLWAY - DAY
Bianca tries to pull away as Kat drags her by the hair
between two rows of lockers.
You set me up.
I just wanted --
What? To completely damage me? To send
me to therapy forever? What?
No! I just wanted
Miss Perky walks up
Ladies? Shall we take a trip to my
INT. MISS PERKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Miss Perky stares at both sisters as they sit before her,
then focuses on Bianca.
So you're the real bitch
Yes! Okay? Yes -- I'm the real bitch.
I wanted her to get a boyfriend so I
could. Apparently, this makes me a
horrible person. I'm sorry.
She turns to Kat.
I swear -- I didn't know about the
money. I didn't even know Joey was
involved. I would never intentionally
hurt you, Kat.
Do you care to respond?
Am I supposed to feel better? Like,
right now? Or do I have some time to
think about it?
Just smack her now.
Bianca rises, taking Kat by the arm.
(to Miss Perky)
We'll be getting back to you.
What, no hug?
HALLWAY - DAY
And Bianca leave Miss Perky's office
Is that woman a complete fruit-loop or
is it just me?
It's just you.
ENGLISH CLASS - DAY
Mrs. Blaise faces the class
All right. I'm assuming everyone found
time to compose, their poems. Except for
Mr. Dorsey, who's still in ICU.
Nerds in the back high-five each other.
Would anyone care to read theirs aloud?
No one moves. Then Kat slowly stands up.
Patrick looks up.
She downs a couple Prozac
Kat stands, puts on her glasses, and takes a deep breath
before reading from her notebook.
I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
you drive my car/ I hate it when you
She pauses, then continues
I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
much it makes me sick/ it even makes me
She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.
I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
t hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.
She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.
Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.
EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Kat walks to her car alone. When she opens the door, she's
greeted with a Fender Stratocaster guitar, reclining in the
She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, then spins
Patrick stands there, smiling.
A Fender Strat. You bought this?
I thought you could use it. When you
start your band.
She doesn't answer, but hides a smile, so he walks closer.
Besides, I had some extra cash. Some
asshole paid me to take out a really
Is that right?
Yeah, but then I fucked up. I fell for
Blushes and looks down.
You know -- it's not every day you find
a girl who'll flash her tits to get you
out of detention.
Looks up. surprised and embarrassed that he found out
He takes her upturned face as a sign to kiss her and he does
She lets him this time.
Then breaks it off
You can't just buy me a guitar every
time you screw up, you know.
He quiets her with another kiss Which she breaks off again.
And don't just think you can
He kisses her again, not letting her end it this time.
STRATFORD HOUSE - SUNSET
We hear the sounds of MUSIC and LAUGHTER.
STRATFORD HOUSE/BACKYARD - SUNSET
Patrick is at the barbecue grill, flipping burgers. Kat
Why is my veggie burger the only burnt
object on this grill?
Because I like to torture you.
Oh, Bianca? Can you get me my freshman
Don ' t you even dare. . .
ON BIANCA AND CAMERON As they argue on the patio.
They do to!
They do not!
Rises to get the yearbook.
Can someone please tell her that
sunflower seeds come from sunflowers?
ON MICHAEL AND MANDELLA
Severely making-out in a lawn chair. She comes up for a
I can't remember a word of Shakespeare
right now. Isn't that weird?
Michael pulls her back down for another round ON KAT AND
She tries to keep him from grabbing the yearbook that Bianca
now hands her.
You're freaked over this, aren't you?
Bianca hands her the yearbook
He's more than freaked. He's froke
Flips to a page.
I'd like to call your attention to
Patrick Verona's stunning bad-ass look
of 1995 ---
INSERT - A horrifically nerdy freshman year picture Glasses,
bad hair, headgear -- the works.
She holds up the picture for all to view. Patrick cringes
and throws a handful of pretzels at her.
Patrick -- is that- a.
Ask my attorney.
Kat and Bianca huddle over the picture, giggling -- as we
CRANE UP and hear a GIRLY PUNK version of The Partridge
Family's "I Think I Love You".