AIRPLANE 2: THE SEQUEL
Written by
Ken Finkleman
SECOND DRAFT
February 18, 1982
FADE IN:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
A machete slashes INTO FRAME. An American in battered
fedora and leather jacket, accompanied by two gunbearers,
hacks his way through dense bush. We see him from the back
only. He hacks an opening, bats fly out AT CAMERA and the
bushes part, revealing huge overgrown stone letters -- the
Mayan ruin look -- that spell "AIRPLANE II."
EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
The Jupiter shuttle stands ready to fly.
SUPER: HOUSTON, 2002
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM - STOCK FOOTAGE
of Houston Control with appropriate jargon V.O.
INT. TERMINAL - WIDE ANGLE STOCK SHOT
of a crowded modern terminal.
P.A.
All lunar departures, please proceed to
concourse lounge 'B.'
EXT. TERMINAL - STOCK FOOTAGE - NIGHT
of heavy traffic at LAX.
ANGLE ON TERMINAL DOORS
A number of men in futuristic-looking mining outfits,
carrying futuristic gear, unload a truck with a corporate
logo that reads: TRX DEEP SPACE RESOURCE MANAGEMENT.
P.A.
Attention, all Pulsar Four mining
personnel.
The miners look up.
P.A.
Please report to the Resource Expeditions
office, level seven.
Two miners head to terminal doors and pass FOUR NUNS, who
bid farewell to FATHER O'FLANAGAN. O'Flanagan shakes the
hands of the first three elderly nuns, then grabs the last
young gorgeous nun and kisses her passionately.
OLDER NUN
No tongues, Father.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
A group tour moves through the room behind controllers.
GUIDE
All lunar shuttle landings are handled by
these computers and simulated on these
video units.
CONTROLLER 1
(at computer screen)
You're programmed on R-two-niner and
locked, Lunar eight six. Over.
INT. LUNAR SHUTTLE COCKPIT - NIGHT
Three crew members watch the lit landing strip as their
shuttle approaches.
CAPTAIN
(to co-pilot)
It's out of our hands now, gentlemen.
They smile.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
The CONTROLLER moves away from his video unit. A kid from
the tour who has lagged behind hits a switch. The screen
turns into a video game with SFX. He flips knobs.
INT. LUNAR SHUTTLE
The crew are tossed from side to side and try to regain
control of the ship.
EXT. NIGHT SKY
The Lunar shuttle careens towards the terminal, out of
control.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
The kid is still playing like mad. A flash appears on the
screen. SFX VIDEO GAME EXPLOSION and a corresponding
EXPLOSION from outside. SIRENS WAIL. CONTROLLERS run
around. The kid is oblivious and walks away.
EXT. TERMINAL - NIGHT
BUD KRUGER, head of the space center, and the COMMISSIONER
get out of a limo under a sign that reads, "MERCURY
SHUTTLE." They walk and talk.
KRUGER
Commissioner, we both know the Mercury
shuttle needs another month of pre-launch
testing.
COMMISSIONER
Forget it. The boys on the board want
that shuttle to go on schedule.
CUT TO:
INT. TERMINAL
Kruger and the Commissioner go up escalator.
KRUGER
And what do the boys on the board know
about safety, Commissioner? Let me talk
to them.
COMMISSIONER
Bud, get wise to the political realities.
The boys on the board are under a lot of
pressure from the boys downtown.
CUT TO:
INT. TERMINAL - SECOND LEVEL
Kruger gets a pack of cigarettes from a machine.
Commissioner buys a newspaper.
KRUGER
And I'll be the one they'll hang if
there's a screw-up.
CUT TO:
INT. TERMINAL - SHOESHINE STAND
Kruger and Commissioner get shoes shined. A MAN next to
them in white shoes reads paper with headline -- "SOLAR
PLANT MELTDOWN, 500 WORKERS SERIOUSLY TANNED" -- and doesn't
notice his shoes are getting black polish.
COMMISSIONER
Listen, Bud, the boys downtown are under
heavy fire from the boys in Washington.
That's why they're putting pressure on the
boys on the board.
CUT TO:
INT. TERMINAL
Kruger and Commissioner head down escalator.
KRUGER
Well, you tell the boys on the board to
tell the boys downtown to let the boys in
Washington know that the press has been
nosing around my people in the front
office.
CUT TO:
EXT. TERMINAL
Kruger and Commissioner head to their limo.
COMMISSIONER
You handle your front office people, I'll
handle the press and leave the boys in
Washington to the boys downtown and the
boys downtown to the boys on the board.
KRUGER
Commissioner.
They stop and look at each other.
COMMISSIONER
What?
KRUGER
I just wish it was that simple.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING
They get back in their limo and drive off.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
CONTROLLER
(over P.A.)
This is Mercury One control. We have
condition green. Mark launch 'T' minus
two hours and counting. I repeat, we have
condition green.
ANGLE ON LESLIE NEILSON - DOCTOR RUMACK
Dressed as a doctor and looking in a Controller's mouth.
The Controller's face is bright green.
RUMACK
This condition isn't as bad as it could be
if it were a lot worse. Take these pills.
(hands him pills and water)
Here's some water.
CONTROLLER
What is it, doctor?
RUMACK
Two parts oxygen, one part hydrogen.
It'll make the pills go down easier.
EXT. GANTRY - CLOSEUP OF SHUTTLE - NIGHT
MUSIC: BIG SPACE THEME
WIDE ANGLE LENS PANS the under-belly past the nose as if the
viewer bent his head back as far as he could, until... the
CAMERA crashes to the ground as if it has fallen off the
tripod.
MUSIC: CRASHES TO A STOP
ANGLE ON SIDE OF SHIP
MUSIC: BIG SPACE THEME STARTS FROM TOP AGAIN
PAN workers on scaffolding who check gauges on exterior of
ship. PAN to panel that reads, "SOLID FUEL CHUTE" -- a
sweaty muscular worker in undershirt opens the panel, flames
shoot out. LOOSEN to reveal another sweaty worker in
undershirt shoveling coal into the chute. PAN to other
workers checking more gauges. SUDDENLY a PANEL EXPLODES.
Smoking, sparking wires pop out. A WORKER runs up with
walkie-talkie in hand.
WORKER
(into walkie-talkie)
This is Mercury station six! Get me the
Sarg and fast!
EXT. TERMINAL - NIGHT
SIMON KURTZ and ELAINE THOMPSON get out of a taxi with hand
luggage. They are dressed in matching flight outfits.
A JAPANESE COUPLE get out of a taxi -- the man has about
fifty cameras around his neck. His wife hangs another
camera on him. He crashes to the ground under the weight.
Simon and Elaine are approached by a BUSINESSMAN with
handful of roses.
BUSINESSMAN
Would you like to buy a rose to help bail
out Chrysler? We're an all-profit
organization and need all the money we can
get.
Simon hands the Businessman a dollar and takes a rose.
SIMON
(to Businessman)
Here.
The Businessman joins six other BUSINESSMEN carrying signs
with LEE IACCOCA's picture. They all smile and chant.
BUSINESSMEN
(to Hari Krishna)
IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IACCOCA, IARAMA.
Simon hands Elaine the rose. She takes his arm as they walk
towards the sign that reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE."
SIMON
For the best little computer officer on
the Mercury mission.
ELAINE
(smiling)
Simon.
SIMON
Who would believe that Elaine Thompson was
once a stewardess on the Denver-Chicago
run.
ELAINE
And I can hardly believe that I'm engaged
to someone like you, Simon. I'm a very
lucky woman.
A man with a suitcase on a leash walks beside them. The
case pulls him along like a dog and takes a leak on a post.
SIMON
Women and the space program have come a
long way, sweetheart. But after the
wedding, no more complicated computers for
my little girl.
ELAINE
But, darling, they've offered me a chance
to head up the computer analysis division
for the Jupiter probe.
SIMON
You're heading up the division in charge
of babies for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz.
He kisses Elaine and smiles.
SIMON
And that's an order, Lieutenant.
The man with the case on a leash passes a woman with a case
on a leash. The cases start a violent, BARKING DOG FIGHT.
EXT. REAR OF TERMINAL BUILDING - NIGHT
SARG (imagine George Kennedy), dressed in a tuxedo, tie
undone, with a huge cigar, which he eats during the
conversation, talks to his wife on his car phone. A worker
in hard hat waits next to him. Behind the worker are fuel
drums and a large sign that reads: DANGER, FUEL --
ABSOLUTELY NO SMOKING, ABSOLUTELY NO SPITTING.
SARG
(on car phone)
Marge, you better go without me. We've
got a condition red.
SPLIT SCREEN WITH WIFE AT HOME.
MARGE
(in evening gown, a cigar stuck
in her mouth)
We've got a condition red with our
marriage. I think you're in love with
that shuttle, not with me. I want a
divorce, Sarg.
Sarg lights his cigar.
SARG
Is there someone else, Marge? Is that it?
Sarg throws the lit match towards the "ABSOLUTELY NO
SMOKING" sign. The worker grimaces but nothing happens.
MARGE
Sarg, there's been someone else for
fifteen years. You were just too involved
in your work to see it.
They hang up. Sarg bites off the end of his cigar and spits
it in the direction of the "NO SPITTING" sign, blowing the
worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION. Sarg hops
into his car, takes a Lava lamp from the seat and puts it on
the car roof -- like Kojak's flasher. The lamp flashes, the
SIREN WAILS, as Sarg pulls away.
INT. SARG'S CAR - ON THE MOVE - NIGHT
He thinks about his wife. SPLIT SCREEN FLASHBACK OF THEIR
BEDROOM. Marge, a cigar in her mouth, is in bed with five
football players -- other half-clad athletes (hockey,
baseball, wrestling, basketball) line up for their turn at
her. Sarg has to climb over them to kiss her goodbye.
SARG
Don't wait up for me, sweetheart. We're
testing the retro-rockets tonight.
MARGE
You just can't see it, can you, Sarg.
SARG
We'll talk tomorrow, hon. I promise.
EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVAL AREA - NIGHT
The WILSON FAMILY -- JOHN, ALICE and ten-year-old JIMMY --
carry luggage. Jimmy carries a puppy in a small cage.
P.A.
All Mercury passengers please proceed to
passenger processing, concourse level 'C.'
JOHN
That's us.
Jimmy Wilson looks at Scraps.
JIMMY
Will Scraps be able to sit with us, Dad?
JOHN
We'll have to check, Jimmy. It's a pretty
long trip to Mercury.
A PORTER approaches.
PORTER
Can I help you folks?
JOHN
(handing him a bag)
Thanks.
PORTER
(noticing Scraps)
Is that your puppy, son?
JIMMY
Yeah, his name is Scraps and he's going to
Mercury with us.
PORTER
No dogs are allowed on the shuttle, son.
JIMMY
But they said...
PORTER
(pulling out a handgun)
Scraps will have to be shot. I can do it
for you here if you like.
He SHOOTS.
JIMMY
Scraps!!!
PORTER
(laughing)
Just joking. Blanks. See, Scraps is
fine.
Alice, John, and Porter crack up while Jimmy cries.
ALICE
It was just a joke, Jimmy.
Alice and John look at each other as if there is something
wrong with their son.
ANGLE ON MAN WITH CAGE
A man lifts a large dog cage out of the trunk of a taxi.
Inside is another man dressed in S&M leathers.
MAN WITH CAGE
(to Man in Cage)
If we can't fit you under the seat, you'll
just have to be locked up with the
luggage.
The man in the cage seems to relish the latter suggestion.
Two Porters lift the cage onto a conveyor belt next to
Jimmy's dog.
EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
Sarg stands beside the burnt panel on the side of the
shuttle. He is eating another cigar, holding a burnt wire,
and talking into a walkie-talkie.
SARG
There's no way this wiring could have
passed inspection without Simon Kurtz's
okay!
SPLIT SCREEN OF KRUGER IN HIS OFFICE
KRUGER
(on phone)
Just patch up the damage and get that ship
ready to fly. That's an order, mister!
SARG
You've got it, mister. But you can tell
your boys on the board for me that this
thing stinks to high heaven of kickback.
WIPE TO:
KRUGER'S OFFICE - FULL SCREEN
Kruger turns to room. LOOSEN to reveal a dozen five-year-
old boys in three-piece suits, smoking cigars. A huge
Keans-style painting of three astronauts with big eyes,
painted on black velvet, hangs in b.g.
KRUGER
You heard it, boys. Now, what do you say?
ALL BOYS
Fuck him!
EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT
Sarg looks at the wire and shakes his head.
SARG
(to worker)
Ted Striker was right six months ago when
he test-piloted this sucker. And what did
he get for telling the truth? A one-way
ticket to Palukaville.
Sarg spits a chunk of cigar on the ground, blowing the
worker OUT OF FRAME with a MASSIVE EXPLOSION.
EXT. WILD BLUE YONDER - DAY
A jet fighter streaks across the sky.
INT. JET - DAY
TED STRIKER is at the controls. His oxygen mask hangs loose
from his helmet. Clouds outside shoot by -- he's going at
least 700 MPH. A bird lands on the nose in front of the
window. Ted shoos it away by knocking on the glass. He
takes a slug of beer and cockily pulls on the stick.
EXT. FIGHTER - DAY
The plane does a barrel roll.
INT. FIGHTER - DAY
Ted has beer all over his face and shirt.
EXT. SMALL LATIN-AMERICAN LANDING STRIP - DAY
SUPER: "SOUTH AMERICA, 2002 (PALUKAVILLE)"
Striker's fighter comes in for a landing.
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF RIO MONTENEGRO - DAY
CLOSEUP of sign, "WELCOME TO RIO MONTENEGRO -- POP.
2,354,900 -- NO TORTURING 7AM-9AM MON.-FRI."
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
SUPER: "HOTEL MONTENEGRO"
COME UP on CLOSEUP of parachute. PAN past a flight jacket
thrown over a chair, clothes strewn around, a framed photo
of TED and ELAINE on the bedtable next to a bottle of
whiskey. The room is hot and dusty. Ted lies on the bed
soaked with sweat, a drink in his hand, a cigarette dangling
from his lip. He takes a drink and, forgetting to remove
the cigarette, swallows it without batting an eye. LOOSEN
to find a CRUCIFIX above the bed with a real person on it.
TED (V.O.)
(to self)
Who could have figured it would come to
this. It'll be twenty years this week
that I lost my entire squadron over Macho
Grande. Planes, too.
SUPER: DOG FIGHT FOOTAGE
VOICE
You're too low, Striker! You're too low!
The Crucifix in b.g. looks around trying to figure out where
the planes in the SUPER are coming from.
TED (V.O.)
After the war, I couldn't go near anything
with a pair of wings.
SUPER: TED IN PARK TRYING TO AVOID PIGEONS THAT FOLLOW HIM.
A pigeon lands on the Cross.
TED (V.O.)
That is, until fate dropped me on the seat
of my pants at the stick of a 167 into
Chicago with no crew.
SUPER: TED LANDING PLANE IN "AIRPLANE!"
TED (V.O.)
It's funny how fate can make heroes out of
cowards.
The Crucifix gives a look of exasperated boredom.
SUPER: NEW YORK TIMES HEADLINE, "STRIKER SAVES l20!" OVER A
PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.
TED (V.O.)
Then came the job offers.
SUPER: HOUSTON TRIBUNE HEADLINE, "FLYING HEROES ACCEPT NASA
POSTS" OVER A PHOTO OF TED AND ELAINE WAVING.
TED (V.O.)
The publicity.
SUPER: NATIONAL ENQUIRER HEADLINE, "TED IMPOTENT? ELAINE
FRIGID?" A MINOR HEADLINE READS, "JFK ALIVE, SAYS
UROLOGIST!"
TED (V.O.)
Even the key to the City of New York.
SUPER: MAYOR HANDING TED A KILO OF GRASS.
TED (V.O.)
Now look at me.
Ted wipes the sweat off his face and switches on the table
fan. A tornado force wind destroys the room as he fights to
switch off the fan.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - DAY
SUPER: "RIO MONTENEGRO - TOWN SQUARE"
A peasant boy takes a newspaper from a newsstand. The
headline reads, "MERCURY SHUTTLE FLIES TOMORROW."
BOY
Senor Ted!
The boy hightails it through the town-square and passes:
-- A large alabaster statue of the Generalissimo snorting
cocaine.
-- Soldiers dragging nuns off screaming.
-- Nuns dragging soldiers off screaming.
He passes a line of peasants held at gunpoint by soldiers.
We HOLD on them. In b.g. are stores like HITLER'S SHOES,
TRIEU GUYS FROM SAIGON LIQUORS, KEY'S KEYS -- GENERAL KEY
stands in doorway.
SOLDIER
(to first peasant)
Traficante de drugas o communista?
SUPER: SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"
PEASANT
(pleading)
Traficante de drugas, traficante de
drugas!
SUPER: SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer, drug dealer!"
The soldier lets the peasant go.
SOLDIER
(to second peasant)
Traficante de drugas o communista?
SUPER: SUBTITLES -- "Drug dealer or communist?"
The peasant panics and bolts from the line. The soldiers
FIRE.
SOLDIER
Communista!
He runs up to THE HOTEL MONTENEGRO. A sign reads, "TV,
POOL, WATERBEDS, DONKEY, KLEENEX" -- All but "KLEENEX" are
crossed out. He runs inside.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY
A clean-cut AMERICAN COUPLE argue with Desk Clerk.
YOUNG MAN
(to Desk Clerk)
We've lost all our travelers' checks!
YOUNG WOMAN
What are we going to do?!
CLERK
Calm down. What kind were they?
YOUNG MAN
American Excess!
The Clerk throws up his hands and strikes the same pose as
the Karl Marden look-alike in the "AMERICAN EXCESS" poster,
b.g.
CLERK
I'd say you're fucked.
The boy passes them and bounds up the stairs.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
CLOSEUP of Ted pacing.
TED
(to self)
Next thing I know, I'm the chief test
pilot for the XR-2300, NASA's first
Mercury shuttle. That is, until I report
she's got more flaws than the Titanic.
LOOSEN slowly to find the Cross empty and the man who was on
it hanging, his feet dangling next to Ted.
TED
Now I'm testing old F-l8s for some crazy
Generalissimo who thinks there's a commie
behind every tree in the Amazon.
SUDDENLY the boy bursts in.
BOY
Senor Ted! Look!
Ted spins and the paper stays still. He stops.
TED
My God! They're launching the ZR-2300.
Do you know what that is, Jose?
BOY
The muffler bracket for a '78 Pinto.
TED
No, that's an XR-2200. The XR-2300 is the
Mercury shuttle. They can't do it!
EXT. HOTEL MONTENEGRO
Ted races out.
TED
Taxi!
SFX: A DOZEN CARS SCREECH AND CRASH INTO EACH OTHER. HORNS
STICK.
ANGLE ON PILE OF CARS
Ted jumps into the taxi on bottom of pile. The driver
POUNDS on his HORN -- it CONTINUES TO BLARE as they pull
away, dragging other taxis.
TED
Houston, Texas.
DRIVER
Houston, Texas, senor??
TED
Right at the corner, left at the light.
Here's a map and step on it!
Ted throws a map onto the floor of the front seat. The
driver steps on the map.
EXT. TERMINAL, PASSENGER ARRIVALS - NIGHT
An old truck loaded high with furniture pulls up. A YOUNG
MAN and his PARENTS, looking like the family from THE GRAPES
OF WRATH, get out.
SON
We finally made it, Ma. Mercury. We're
gonna start all over agin. A whole new
life.
MUSIC: OPTIMISTIC.
SON
Where the soil is rich.
He bends down and takes a handful of earth from the terminal
sidewalk and lets it run through his fingers.
SON
And the union strong. Where men are free
to realize their true potential.
A black PORTER approaches and grabs a bag at the bottom of
their pile of junk.
PORTER
Can I help you?
SON
Where black men and white men, working
together, can move mountains.
The Porter pulls the bag and the entire mountain of junk
cascades to the ground.
ANGLE ON TED'S TAXI ARRIVING
It is covered in mud, flames shoot out from under the hood,
the HORN BLARES. The driver flips off the meter which
reads, "874,567,004,500,000,000." The numbers run off the
meter along a special attachment.
DRIVER
That'll be eight hundred and seventy-four
zillion quastavitas.
TED
Here's three bucks. Keep the change.
DRIVER
Thank you!!
INT. TERMINAL
STELLA BARRINGTON pushes her wheelchair-ridden father, DR.
CYRUS BARRINGTON, through the terminal crowd. A PORTER
approaches.
PORTER
You folks need any help?
STELLA
Thanks, but we have a terrific woman in on
Thursdays.
PORTER
Say, isn't that Dr. Barrington, the world-
renowned agronomist?
STELLA
Yes.
PORTER
It's a privilege to meet you, sir, I'm
familiar with all your work.
STELLA
Let's go, Daddy. We have to check in.
(to Porter)
He was never appreciated at the Institute.
PORTER
Ah, yes, the Institute, I'm familiar with
it.
STELLA
Now he's D-Y-I-N-Ging and wants to be
buried on Mercury.
Stella pushes her father away as another PORTER approaches
our first Porter.
PORTER 2
Say, wasn't that Dr. Barrington, the
world-renowned agronomist?
PORTER 1
That's right. Are you familiar with his
work?
PORTER 2
No, but the missus sure is.
ANGLE ON TED AT ARRIVALS/DEPARTURES MONITORS
The departures side reads. "MERCURY SHUTTLE - DEPARTS 6:15
AM"
TED
(to self)
I have to stop that flight.
Ted pushes his way through the crowd past two businessmen.
HOLD on them as BUSINESSMAN 1 straightens BUSINESSMAN 2's
tie and hair.
BUSINESSMAN 1
Don't worry about the Viatex account.
It's a buy-sell option. We can't get hurt
in either case.
BUSINESSMAN 2
Just keep on top of their legal people,
Bob.
BUSINESSMAN 1
Don't sweat it.
They kiss and part.
ANGLE ON "1ST CLASS" TICKET LINE
AGENT
(to traveller)
We can take your in-flight dinner orders
here, if you like. Today there's lobster
or rack of lamb.
TRAVELLER
The lobster sounds nice.
The Agent throws a huge lobster into a steaming cauldron.
SFX: LOBSTER SCREAM.
TED
(rushing up)
Where can I find mission control?
AGENT
(without pointing or indicating
in any way)
Information's over there.
TED
Thanks.
He seems a bit puzzled but moves on.
ANGLE ON "2ND CLASS" LINE
Ted passes travellers in rags.
AGENT
(to traveller in rags)
Today there's the swill or the slop.
TRAVELLER
The slop sounds nice.
Ted passes the "NO CLASS" line. Travellers in line all wear
gaudy double-knit suits, white belts and shoes, carry lava
lamps and bongo drums, wear alpine hats, etc. The agent
hands a NO CLASS traveller his ticket with large foam dice
dangling. Ted spots the INFORMATION counter and heads for
it.
ANGLE ON INFORMATION COUNTER
MAN
(to Info Agent)
What's the fastest animal on earth?
INFO AGENT
The cheetah. Next.
WOMAN
Should I fake my orgasms?
INFO AGENT
Yes. Next.
Next in line are three armed, bearded "TERRORISTS."
"TERRORIST" 1
Please, where is flight to Miami?
INFO AGENT
(without indicating anything)
Over there. Next.
The TERRORISTS leave looking confused.
TED
Mission control?
INFO AGENT
(without indicating anything)
It's over therrrrrrr!
The agent is shot with an arrow and slumps over the counter.
ZOOM TO:
CLOSEUP OF TED
He looks in the CAMERA.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
TED
That's strange. I just came from over
there.
INT. TERMINAL - ANOTHER AREA
Elaine, Simon, and FRANK MORGAN, the shuttle pilot, talk.
FRANK
I'll meet you on board. I've got some
business to attend to.
Frank leaves.
SIMON
(to Elaine)
Frank's the best pilot in the program.
ELAINE
I'm so excited, Simon.
SIMON
I guess this is a first for you.
ELAINE
No, I've been excited before.
TED (O.S.)
Elaine.
ELAINE
(turning around)
Te...!
TED
That's not important now, Elaine. We have
to talk.
Simon pulls Elaine away. They all walk and talk.
ELAINE
Ted, we've been worried sick ever since
you escaped from the Ronald Reagan
Institute For The Mentally Feeble.
They walk faster. The b.g. starts whipping by as if they're
running. Wind blows in their hair.
TED
Are you on the Mercury mission?
SIMON
That's right, Striker. And we're getting
married when we return.
The b.g. moves faster. The wind gets stronger. They pass a
marathon refreshment stand and are handed wet sponges and
cups of Gatoraid.
TED
It's got to be stopped!
ELAINE
But, Ted, the invitations have already
gone out.
TED
I mean the Mercury flight. It's not safe
and, Kurtz, you know why.
SIMON
You're still crazy, Striker. Come on,
sweetheart.
Simon pulls Elaine away as she looks back with empathy.
ELAINE
What did Ted mean?
They leave Ted standing.
SIMON
Elaine, he's still sick.
ANGLE ON TED
The wind is still blowing in his hair even though he stands
still. Ted has a FLASHBACK.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ROCKET HANGAR
Ted, in flight coveralls, follows after Simon who is
overseeing the operation.
SIMON
You're seeing bugs where they don't exist,
Striker.
TED
(holding wire)
Look at this wiring. It's shorting out
under high temperatures.
SIMON
You're tired, Striker, overworked. That
wiring meets all the safety
specifications.
TED
I know you've been subtly spreading the
word that I'm having a breakdown.
A NEWSPAPER BOY passes.
NEWSIE
Shuttle test pilot goes mad!
A TECHNICIAN -- JACOBS -- enters with drawings of flight
outfits.
JACOBS
Sir, these are the designs for the flight
uniforms. I think the captain's is to
die.
SIMON
(with drawings)
Good, good, no, no, good. What's this?!
I said no studded dog collars, Jacobs.
Jacobs grabs the drawings and leaves in a huff.
TED
You won't get away with this, Simon!
Ted turns to leave and bumps right into Elaine. She holds
him.
ELAINE
Ted, what's wrong?
TED
(pulling away from her)
Ask Simon.
In b.g. a car is parked by a huge rocket engine. A worker
opens the hood and strings jumper cables to the rocket. A
sign above rocket reads, "ROCKET ENGINE TEST AREA."
ELAINE
Ted, you're overworked. You've been
flying yourself into the ground.
TED
There's nothing wrong with me!
ELAINE
Let's relax tonight, just the two of us.
I'll make a quiet Italian dinner just the
way you like it, with spaghetti.
TED
You're as bad as the rest of them, Elaine!
(ranting)
It's all here in the design
specifications!
(grabs plans from a passing
technician)
Look! It's all here!
Simon signals the guards. They grab Ted. He struggles and
rants. A DOCTOR in white approaches and injects something
into Ted's arm.
ELAINE
No! Wait! You're hurting him!
Ted falls unconscious. Simon holds Elaine.
SIMON
Elaine! Ted's a danger to himself, he's a
threat to this mission and his behavior
does absolutely nothing to promote peace
in the Middle East.
ELAINE
(crying on Simon's shoulder)
Simon, why has he become so... so...
SIMON
So mentally ill?
Elaine collapses on Simon's shoulder, sobbing. Simon smiles
evilly. The technician with the jumper cables, b.g.,
signals the driver to start the car. The car revs and the
rocket fires.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
SCENE
Ted still standing alone and muttering.
TED
(to self)
I'm perfectly sane.
Ted notices Stella Barrington looking at him.
STELLA
Excuse me, are you alright? I noticed you
talking to yourself. I'm a nurse. Can I
be of some help?
TED
Uh... oh, thank you. It's nothing.
STELLA
You don't have to thank me, I'm a nurse.
This is my father, Dr. Barrington.
TED
Not Dr. Barrington, the world renowned
agronomist?
STELLA
Yes. He's dying a-n-d wants to be buried
on Mercury.
TED
I'm familiar with your work, Doctor.
You'll have to excuse me, I have to go.
STELLA
You don't have to excuse yourself. I'm a
nurse. I understand.
Ted leaves.
INT. TERMINAL - OUTSIDE DRUGSTORE
SIMON
Meet me onboard, sweetheart. I have to
pick up a few things at the drugstore.
ELAINE
(checking her watch)
Don't be too long.
Simon walks into the drugstore past a DRUGGIST who whispers
to him:
DRUGGIST
Uppers, downers, coke, speed, hash,
Tampax.
ANGLE ON ELAINE
Ted approaches. We see light flashes from a 25¢ photo
booth.
TED
Elaine.
ELAINE
Ted, please. You're just making things
difficult for yourself.
A WOMAN IN BLACK GARTER BELT emerges from photo booth
followed by a donkey.
TED
Elaine, what happened to us?
ELAINE
Ted, I loved you and I'll always love you.
But I need Simon. He's stable. He's a
good provider. I want that at this stage
of the game, Ted. He might have his
faults, but Simon doesn't know the meaning
of the word fear and I need that in a man.
INT. DRUGSTORE
The Druggist hands Simon a huge bottle of pills. The label
reads, "ANTI-FEAR PILLS."
SIMON
(looking at the label, "ANTI-
FEAR PILLS")
What does this word mean?
DRUGGIST
(looking at label)
'Fear,' to be afraid or over-anxious.
Simon swallows a handful of pills, braces himself and walks
out right through the plate glass window without feeling a
thing.
INT. TERMINAL
Ted is still following Elaine.
TED
Elaine, someone has to listen to me. I'm
going right to mission control.
A kid bops by with a huge (5'x3'x2') oak cabinet, TV/stero
console perched on his shoulder.
MUSIC: DISCO.
ELAINE
Ted, you should go right back to the
hospital.
Elaine leaves and Ted has another FLASHBACK.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL
PAN by dorm window. We see a sign on grounds outside --
"THE RONALD REAGAN INSTITUTE OF SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMICS AND
HOSPITAL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE." PAN patient in bed,
accountant at desk, patient in bed, accountant at desk, Ted
in bed. Ted has electrodes attached to his head. A NURSE
with "I (heart) NORMAL" on the back of her uniform, hands
Ted some pills. He is about to pop them when she stops him.
NURSE
That's $38.
Ted hands her bills.
LOOSEN to find Elaine on other side of bed. She turns off
the radio and opens a box of spaghetti-to-go.
ELAINE
Eat this spaghetti, Ted. It'll make you
feel a lot better.
SFX: GROANING O.S.
ELAINE
Who's that, Ted?
TED
Sammy Davis Junior. Terrible car
accident. He hasn't been the same since.
ANGLE ON SAMMY DAVIS
A white patient in lots of gold chains. A Nurse stands over
him and pulls a long oil dip-stick from his mouth, checks
it, wipes it off and replaces it.
RETURN TO SCENE
TED
Elaine, when are you going to realize
Simon Kurtz put me in here to get me out
of the way.
ELAINE
And when are you going to realize, Ted,
that your mental hygiene is the most
important thing right now.
VOICE (O.S.)
(ranting)
It works... No, it doesn't... Yes, it
does.
ELAINE
What's his problem?
ANGLE
On BEARDED MAN in rags chained to wall.
MAN
It does work... No, it doesn't.
ANGLE
On Ted and Elaine.
TED
His name's David Stockman. He's been here
twenty years, that's all he says.
ELAINE
Ted, you must remember what the doctor
said, the first step on the road to sanity
is admitting that you're sick. Now take
your electro-shock and you'll be back at
the space center in no time. And by the
way, Ted, I'm leaving you for Simon.
Ted gags on his spaghetti.
ELAINE
I just can't go on living with a man who
refuses to deal with reality, Ted. I have
to go now. Believe me, it's best for all
concerned.
Elaine leans over to kiss Ted. He turns away.
TED
No goodbyes, Elaine. Just go.
ELAINE
If that's the way you want it.
TED
That's the way I want it. Just turn the
radio on and go.
ELAINE
Goodbye, Ted. I don't want to hurt you.
Elaine flips a switch by the bed thinking it's the radio.
It's the "ELECTRO-SHOCK." Ted goes into convulsions as she
leaves.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
TED AT TERMINAL
He rubs his temples.
INT. TERMINAL - OUTSIDE BOOKSTORE
Frank Morgan kisses JANE DENNIS, his mistress. In b.g. is a
bookstore window with a display of yellow covered books with
plain black titles and a sign advertising, "NO-NAME BOOKS."
Visible titles include: "DEEP BOOK," "FASCINATING BOOK,"
"THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JOHN DOE." A man next to the window
reads a newspaper with headline, "SENSELESS MURDER UP 99%
AND RISING!"
FRANK
Carol's not going to give me a divorce
that easily, Jane.
JANE
I'm worried about her, Frank. She could
do something senseless, something violent.
FRANK
You're the one who's not making sense,
Jane. Carol's not the violent...
Frank sees CAROL.
FRANK
Carol!
Carol whips out a gun.
FRANK
No! This is senseless!
CAROL
FIRES. Jane faints. Other women nearby faint. Two
S.W.A.T. cops faint. Carol bolts. The newspaper, b.g.,
clicks over from 99% to 120%.
INT. TERMINAL - ANOTHER AREA
Ted pushes through crowd and passes a spherical booth with
sign that reads, "ORGASMIC EXPERIENCES, 25¢." MRS. GOOCH,
an elderly woman, stops Ted next to the booth door.
MRS. GOOCH
Young man, would you have change for a
twenty?
TED
(going for his wallet)
I might have two tens.
MRS. GOOCH
Thank you anyway, but I wanted it in
quarters.
Ted keeps moving past a police line which has gone up around
Frank Morgan's body. We HOLD on the murder scene. A
DETECTIVE kneels beside the body which now has a chalk mark
around it.
SERGEANT
(lookind down at Detective)
When is this senseless killing going to
stop?
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Senseless or not, Sergeant, there's a
pattern here. This is the 12th victim
this week with a chalk mark around the
body. I want this whole area cordoned
off! I want everyone in this terminal
booked and beaten until they talk. I want
an M.O. on everyone who has seen THE SOUND
OF MUSIC and I want the entire population
of Hawaii off that rock and into the water
within one hour.
Hallick stands up and finds the area surrounded by 30
accordian players playing "Lady of Spain."
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Sergeant. I said cordon off, not
accordian off! Now dust this area for
prints.
One cop pulls out a duster and dusts the wall. Other cops
follow after him hanging prints by Picasso, Lautrec, etc.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
And run a check on their plates.
A cop looks at people's upper false teeth plates.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
(TO CAMERA)
When will this senseless killing end?
A POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER straddles the body and shoots it
"BLOW-UP" style.
PHOTOGRAPHER
Super! Great! Super! Terrific! Super!
INT. MISSION CONTROL - EXECUTIVE OFFICE
KRUGER
That's right, Commissioner. Senselessly
murdered just minutes ago.
COMMISSIONER
That just doesn't make any sense.
KRUGER
I wonder how your boys in Washington are
going to take this one.
COMMISSIONER
I told you, leave the boys in Washington
to the boys downtown and the boys down...
KRUGER
You've made your point, Commissioner.
There's only one other pilot who can
handle that shuttle and that's Clarence
Oveur. He's got a lunar flight today. I
want him pulled.
(to Jacobs)
Jacobs, pull Oveur!
JACOBS
Not in your size, but I have a cardigan.
He runs out.
COMMISSIONER
I'll trust you on this, Bud, but I'm a
little nervous about Oveur's record.
The Commissioner throws an album on Kruger's desk. On the
cover is a photo of Oveur with an accordian. The title
reads, "CLARENCE OVEUR'S 400 POLKA FAVORITES."
MUSIC: DRAMATIC ACCORDIAN STING.
INT. TERMINAL
CAPTAIN OVEUR buys flight insurance from a machine. Simon
approaches.
SIMON
Captain Oveur?
OVEUR
Mr. Kurtz, I presume.
SIMON
We don't have much time. Let's move.
I'll explain everything.
They walk away past the Transcendental Air counter. Two
HARI KRISHNA AGENTS smile at customers.
HAIR KRISHNA
Chanting or non-chanting?
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
PAN along Controllers at their monitors. Monitors show the
shuttle on gantry.
CONTROLLER 1
This is Mercury launch control at "T"
minus fifty-eight minutes and counting.
All systems are go. Clear launch area.
ANGLE ON NASA WORKERS AT LUNCH TABLE
They rise and start clearing their dishes.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
(on P.A.)
I said 'launch' not 'lunch'!
The workers sit down.
INT. TERMINAL
Oveur and Simon hurry along.
SIMON
That's how dry cleaning works. Now I'd
like to quickly go over the digestive
system of amphibians.
OVEUR
Do you think it's necessary to explain
everything?
Simon spots Ted getting directions from a security guard.
SIMON
I'll meet you on board. There's something
I have to take care of first.
INT. MISSION CONTROL HEAD OFFICE - RECEPTION
Ted rushes in and up to the RECEPTIONIST.
TED
I have to see Bud Kruger.
RECEPTIONIST
Do you have an appointment, sir?
TED
No, dammit. It's a matter of life or
death.
RECEPTIONIST
You'll have to be more specific than that,
sir.
TED
All right, it's a matter of death.
RECEPTIONIST
(checking her book)
Death, death. How about the first
Thursday in March, ten o'clock.
Ted bolts by her and grabs a door knob on the wall.
RECEPTIONIST
You can't go in there!
TED
Don't try to stop me!
RECEPTIONIST
But that's not a door. The door's over
there.
She doesn't indiciate direction.
ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
TED
That's strange. I just came from...
Suddenly, Ted falls unconscious into the arms of two guards.
LOOSEN to find the Doctor holding a needle in his arm and
Simon next to the Doctor.
ANGLE
On Ted's feet. His heels make lines in dirt as he is
dragged from the office.
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
PAN Controllers at their monitors.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
(on P.A.)
This is Mercury control at "T" minus fifty
minutes and counting. Commence loading of
passengers requiring special boarding
assistance.
EXT. TERMINAL - LOADING AREA
Ground crew lift passengers who are stacked on a luggage
tram and heave them onto a conveyor belt leading up to the
ship.
INT. TERMINAL
JOE SALUCCI (imagine Van Heflin) bids his WIFE (imagine
Cher) goodbye. Joe is very nervous, sweating a lot. His
Wife hands him a few crumpled bills.
WIFE
Take this, Joey. It's my last few bucks.
You'll need a hot meal when you get there.
JOE
We've spent everything on these
operations. Is it really worth it? We've
pawned your mother's wedding ring. The
kids have no winter clothes...
WIFE
(holding a finger to his lips)
Joey, what's more important, the kids'
clothes or your sexual potency.
JOE
(anxiously looking around)
I don't want to hear that word!
WIFE
Okay, Joey. The Doc says you gotta relax.
This hospital in Des Moines is the best
sex clinic in the country.
JOE
All right.
(hands her an envelope)
Here.
WIFE
What...?
JOEY
Insurance. Everyone buys it.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
WIFE
All right. Goodbye, Babe.
She kisses him. He recoils, wipes off his mouth, and
leaves. She looks at the envelope, then yells at him
through the crowd.
WIFE
Joey! Remember, sexual impotence is
nothing to be ashamed of!
The entire terminal looks at him.
INT. TERMINAL STORAGE ROOM
Ted is tied to a chair surrounded by packing crates -- one
is stamped "JIMMY HOFFA, THIS END UP" with the arrow
pointing to the ground. Ted struggles to free his hands.
INT. TERMINAL GIFT SHOP
Joe Salucci stands at the counter.
JOE
(to Cashier)
Time, Newsweek, the Lifesavers, and the
second time bomb from the right.
He points at the shelf behind the Cashier where a number of
bombs are on display.
ANGLE ON CANDY MACHINE IN GIFT SHOP
The actual DR. BENJAMIN SPOCK stands in front of the
machine. Next to the machine at the magazine rack is a red-
bearded MAN in tweed jacket and a tartan kilt reading a
magazine titled "GAY SCOTS." Spock puts a coin in the
machine and it explodes in sparks and smoke like the bridge
panel on "STAR TREK."
SCOTT
(Scottish accent)
My God, Dr. Spock! You've got a meltdown
in the Reggie Bars!
INT. TERMINAL CORRIDOR
Joe Salucci snaps his attache case closed. Wipes the sweat
from his brow. Takes out a "Des Moines" ticket and throws
it away. Looks at another ticket -- "Mercury." Takes a
last drag from his cigarette, throws it on the ground and
hurries off. The cigarette rolls under the "STORAGE ROOM"
door.
INT. STORAGE ROOM
Ted, tied in chair, watches the cigarette roll up to some
oil rags. They burst into flame. The flames lap up against
a yellow oil drum labeled "EXPLOSIVE." PAN to three more
drums labeled, "DYNAMIC!", "BRILLIANT!", "A MUST SEE!".
INT. TERMINAL OUTSIDE STORAGE ROOM
EDITH and DAVE WALTERS, a middle-aged couple, carry their
hand luggage. Edith appears very nervous.
DAVE
I'm telling you, Edith, space travel is
safer than driving a car.
The storage room door EXPLODES open in front of them. Ted
flies out with the debris. Edith faints. Ted gets up,
brushes himself off and heads to the ticket counter just as
the ticket agent flips a sign over that reads, "MERCURY --
SOLD OUT." Ted spots a SCALPER and reaches for his wallet.
SCALPER
Mercury seats. I got a pair. I got aisle
seats, window seats. Check 'em out.
INT. SHUTTLE COCKPIT - MORNING
Computerized panels line all walls. Windows are similar to
an airplane -- outside carwash brushes soap down the nose.
The "HOT WAX" sign flashes. Two attendants wipe windows
with soap gloves and move to the DISTANT STRAINS of "CAR
WASH." Elaine sits at computer, two other CREW are in their
seats. Simon enters with Oveur.
SIMON
Gentlemen, this is Captain Oveur. He's
taking over for Frank Morgan.
MR. UNGER
What's the problem?
SIMON
Morgan was senselessly murdered about an
hour ago.
Elaine gasps.
MR. DUNN
(black, sports afro)
Murdered? I hope it's not serious.
SIMON
We won't know until after the autopsy.
MR. DUNN
Of course. Welcome aboard, sir.
OVEUR
Good to be aboard, gentlemen.
SIMON
Captain Oveur, your navigator, Mr. Unger,
and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.
They shake hands.
OVEUR
Unger.
UNGER
Oveur.
DUNN
Oveur.
OVEUR
Dunn.
SIMON
And I think everyone knows Elaine.
They all smile.
INT. TERMINAL SECURITY CHECK AREA - "MERCURY GATE"
The Terrorists still seem confused as to where they're
going. They pass through the security metal detector, guns
raised above their heads. A GUARD runs a hand-held metal
detector up and down their bodies. At the same time, Mrs.
Gooch is being held spread-eagle against the wall. One
Guard holds a gun to her head, another frisks her. Ted
moves through behind the Terrorists.
TERRORIST
(to Guard)
Is flight to Miami, yes?
GUARD
No.
TERRORIST
Thank you. Thank you.
A young boy passes through the X-ray tunnel. His dental
chart appears on the screen. A DENTIST at the other end
stops him and looks in his mouth.
DENTIST
Open.
THE BERGMAN FAMILY -- SVEN, KRISTA, and their two CHILDREN
-- all dressed like the emigrants, look up at the "MERCURY
GATE" sign. They should be shot like characters from a
Bergman "film."
SVEN
Mercury, Krista. A whole new world to be
depressed about.
KRISTA
Ya, Sven.
CHILD 1
Will we die, Pappa?
SVEN
We all die, Ingrid.
CHILD 2
Will we die soon, Pappa?
SVEN
Soon? What is the real meaning of 'soon'?
INT. COCKPIT
The car wash continues with attendants wiping the ship down.
OVEUR
(flips a switch)
Atmosphere control.
UNGER
(flips a switch)
Atmosphere control, check.
A car wash attendant opens a side door to the cockpit and
enters in headphones, moving to "CAR WASH," with a vacuum.
He cleans the floor and an ashtray and finds a baseball
behind the Captain's seat which he pockets.
OVEUR
(flips a switch)
Anti-gravity.
The car wash attendant floats to the ceiling.
DUNN
(flips a switch)
Anti-gravity, check.
The attendant crashes to the floor.
Elaine sits at the R.O.K.-4000 computer. She seems to be
having a problem with a switch.
ELAINE
(to self)
That's odd.
INT. BOWELS OF R.O.K. COMPUTER
A circuit board just below the R.O.K.-4000 logo shorts.
Sparks fly. A fire starts.
INT. COCKPIT
OVEUR
(looking out the window)
I hope that weather doesn't give us a
problem.
(he opens the window and holds
his hand out)
What's your temperature reading, Mr.
Unger.
UNGER
(pulls a thermometer from his
mouth)
Ninety-eight point six.
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
CONTROLLER 2
There seems to be some fog rolling in from
the west.
CONTROLLER 1
Mike, give me a density reading. I just
hope it's not too heavy.
CONTROLLER 3
(reading from a book like
Richard Burton)
The fog, the fog, the torment clouded my
mind. Derision, contempt...
CONTROLLER 1
That's heavy.
INT. SHIP DOOR
Flight attendant, MARY MORRIS, welcomes passengers aboard.
MARY
(to Stella and father)
Welcome aboard. Isn't that Dr.
Barrington, the world renowned agronomist?
STELLA
Yes -- he's dying and wants to be buried
in the new l-a-n-d.
MARY
(to Joe Salucci)
Welcome aboard. Can I take your case?
JOE
(clutching case)
No!
Mary gives him a look as he passes inside. The OKIES move
by. HENRY stops at door, bends down, picks up an ear of
corn and pulls it apart.
HENRY
There's a whole new world in front of us,
Ma. Where the dictatorship of the
proletariat will lead workers and peasants
into socialism without the revisionist
diversions of bourgeois liberals,
Trotskiests, or disillusioned Maoist
terrorism.
The Okies pass inside.
MARY
(looking at them; to self)
Doesn't he realize that a weak proletariat
needs a strong liberal bourgeoisie in a
joint struggle against monopoly
capitalism?
Ted stops at the door surrounded by boarding passengers.
SUPER: PSYCHIATRIST.
PSYCHIATRIST
We can't begin to help you until you admit
that you are sick, Ted.
(echo)
Sick Ted, sick Ted, sick Ted...
The boarding passengers look around for the echoing voice.
EXT. TARMAC - DAY
Sarg looks up through the glass-walled corridor that leads
to the ship door and spots Ted.
SARG
(to CO-WORKER)
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle; Ted
Striker.
(holding burnt wire)
Jack, I got a bad feeling in my gut about
this mission.
In b.g. a sign reads, "DANGER -- FUEL, ABSOLUTELY NO
VOMITTING."
WORKER
What'd you have for dinner?
SARG
The fish, why?
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
Sarg bends down OUT OF FRAME.
SFX: THROWING UP.
A huge EXPLOSION FILLS THE FRAME.
INT. COCKPIT
Fog rolls past cockpit window.
OVEUR
We should be ready to launch as soon as
this fog lifts.
EXT. RUNWAY
An ENGLISH BOBBY passes a woman in 19th-Century costume in
the fog. He tips his hat and moves on. A caped man steps
out of the fog and strangles her.
INT. CABIN
Passengers are taking their seats. Ted spots Elaine and
moves towards her. The Terrorists look confused. Joe
Salucci clutches his case and wipes his brow. Mary takes
a man's suit bag.
MARY
Can I hang that for you, sir?
MAN
Thanks.
Mary hangs the bag from a rope noose in the closet, pulls a
lever, the bag drops like a man being executed.
SFX: SCREAM AND THUD.
INT. COCKPIT
Unger looks out the window.
UNGER
It looks like that weather is clearing.
EXT. SKY - DAY (STOCK)
Dramatic stock footage of clouds parting and sun exploding
through.
MUSIC: A CLARION TRUMPET CRESCENDO.
INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE COCKPIT DOOR
Ted moves up to Elaine, who is about to enter the cockpit.
TED
Elaine.
She turns and gasps.
ELAINE
Ted! What are you...?
TED
I have to get in there. I have to stop
this flight.
SFX: BELL.
INSERT - FLASHING SIGN - "PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS"
BACK TO SCENE
ELAINE
Ted, we're taking off!
TED
Let me by, Elaine.
Mary passes.
MARY
Please take your seats.
As Ted turns to Mary, Elaine slips into the cockpit and
locks the door --
SFX: DOOR LOCKING.
Ted tries the door.
TED
Elaine!
INSERT - SIGN - "WE SAID, TAKE YOUR SEAT OR CAN'T YOU READ,
ASSHOLE!"
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine leans back against the door. She is highly agitated.
Simon, the administrative officer, and other crew are in
their seats.
SIMON
Whenever your're ready, Captain.
OVEUR
Yes, sir, commander.
(into radio)
This is Mercury One. Everything seems A-
okay up here and ready for count-down.
ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Elaine's face.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL GROUNDS - DAY
Dr. Rumack and Elaine walk across the well-groomed lawn.
Elaine carries a box of spaghetti-to-go. As they walk, they
pass patients in wheelchairs pushed by nurses. The further
they walk, the more wheelchairs appear until the lawn is
jammed with two hundred wheelchairs bumping into each other,
patients falling out, total wheelchair chaos.
ELAINE
Ted seemed to get worse after I told him
about Simon, Doctor.
RUMACK
The human brain is a highly complex organ,
Elaine, perhaps the most complex next to
the bladder.
(he stops at a patient in a
wheelchair with his back TO
CAMERA)
Let me show you.
(Rumack removes the top of the
patient's skull and takes out
his brain as they continue on)
Ted's problem is in this area.
(points with a pencil)
This area, this area, here, here, here,
under here, here...
They walk OUT OF FRAME as wheelchair demolition derby FILLS
SCREEN.
EXT. HOSPITAL GROUNDS - GARDEN AREA - DAY
Rumack and Elaine walk INTO FRAME still talking.
RUMACK
So you see, our task isn't made any easier
by Ted's refusal to admit that he's sick.
ELAINE
What can I do, Doctor Rumack?
He stops next to a sign, "HOSPITAL GARDEN."
RUMACK
You can eat balanced meals, exercise, and
take Geritol.
ELAINE
I mean for Ted.
RUMACK
You can be gentle with him, Elaine. He's
been working out a lot of his aggressions
here in the garden.
ELAINE
Is that a good sign, Doctor?
Rumack holds the "HOSPITAL GARDEN" sign.
RUMACK
It does the job.
ANGLE ON TED
He is ripping up small trees, shrubs, etc., and throwing
them onto a huge pile of mud that resembles the mountain
that Dreyfuss built in "Close Encounters."
ELAINE
Hello, Ted.
Ted ignores her as he works frantically.
ELAINE
(holding out box)
I brought you some spaghetti.
Ted still ignores her as he works feverishly.
ELAINE
What are you doing, Ted?
TED
I've got it, Elaine! I've figured out
what's wrong with the shuttle!
Ted scurries around.
ELAINE
Ted.
TED
Not now, Elaine!
ELAINE
Ted!
He ignores her. Rumack walks up and puts an arm around her
shoulder. Elaine starts to sob.
RUMACK
The brain is an amazingly complex organ,
Elaine.
ELAINE
Is he making any progress, Doctor?
RUMACK
Yes -- last week that pile of mud was only
this high.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine takes her seat.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
Mark 'T' minus twenty and counting.
OVEUR
Gentlemen, let's get this bucket into
space.
(flips switches)
Ignition set.
EXT. SHIP
Steam spews out from engines.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
CONTROLLER 1
Mark 'T' minus thirty seconds.
PAN backs of a number of Controllers at screens, talking
NASA jargon. We PASS one in prison stripes talking through
mesh to his wife.
INT. COCKPIT
OVEUR
(flipping more switches)
Ignition.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
'T' minus nine, eight, seven...
EXT. SHIP
Rockets fire.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
Six, five, four...
INT. CONTROL ROOM
CONTROLLER 1
Three...
Jacobs runs in with a camera, yelling:
JACOBS
Stop! One shot.
All Controllers turn and smile. The count-down stops.
Jacobs flashes his camera.
JACOBS
Wonderful!
The Controllers continue.
CONTROLLER 1
Two, one.
INT. COCKPIT
The ship vibrates.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
You have lift-off, Mercury One.
The G-force causes the crew's hair to go straight back.
Dunn's afro straightens and stays back throughout flight.
INT. CABIN
The G-force causes passengers' hair to go straight back. A
buxom woman looks down at her bust -- it's completely flat.
INT. COCKPIT
The G-force returns to normal as the shuttle breaks earth's
gravitational hold.
OVEUR
Jettison booster stages one and two.
UNGER
(flipping switches)
Booster jettisoned.
EXT. SHIP - BOOSTER STAGES (STOCK)
Stock footage of booster falling away.
EXT. OCEAN (SET) - DAY
A cheap model of the Greenpeace 11 sails blithely along. The
booster stage careens through the atmosphere, crashes into
the Greenpeace, and sinks it.
INT. COCKPIT
OVEUR
Shut down accelerators.
DUNN
Accelerators down.
The crew all look at the floor.
OVEUR
Elaine, ask ROK for a field interference
scan. Those sun spots might give us a
problem with our communications.
ELAINE
(flipping computer switches)
Yes, sir.
The computer is labeled R.O.K. She seems to have a problem
getting it to respond.
ELAINE
(to self)
That's really strange.
INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER (LABELED "ROK")
The electrical fire continues.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine flips a switch on computer. A "VOICE INTERFACE" sign
lights up.
ELAINE
Intermitant failure in scan mode "R".
Analyze.
ROK
Negative.
ELAINE
(to self)
That doesn't make sense.
(to ROK)
Repeat analysis.
ROK
Negative.
ELAINE
(to self)
That's not possible.
ROK
Cut the Doubting Thomas shit, Elaine. I
know where I'm coming from on this.
Elaine is taken aback.
INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER
Sparks fly, fire spreads.
INT. CABIN
Mary moves down the aisle checking passengers. She passes
Father O'Flanagan who reads ALTERBOY magazine -- an alterboy
in bikini bathing suit on cover. She passes Mrs. Gooch who
reads HIGH TIMES. She stops at a ten-year-old GIRL.
MARY
I guess this is pretty exciting for you.
GIRL
Yes, it is. How long will the trip take?
MARY
Our actual flight time is over fourteen
months, but due to the time-space variant
at sub-light speeds, our onboard flight
time will be just over eighteen hours.
Mary leaves and the Girl turns to the WOMAN beside her.
GIRL
Gee, Mom, how does that work?
WOMAN
(very tense)
How many times do I have to tell you, I'm
not your mother! I've never seen you
before!
The Woman vibrates in multiple image and grabs her temple.
GIRL (V.O.)
Why did she yell at me like that?
A MAN who looks like Robert Young sits down beside the Girl.
MAN
Hallucinating again, Rhonda?
GIRL
(taking a paper bag away from
her face)
I don't know what it is.
MAN
Maybe it's the brand of glue you've been
sniffing. Why don't you try this, NO-HI.
It gives you all the pleasure of glue
without the brain damage.
ANGLE ON TESTA (ANOTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT)
She is completely bald.
TESTA
Something to read, sir?
JOE
(clutching his case)
Do you have PSYCHO MONTH?
TESTA
I think so. Here you are.
She hands him a copy of PSYCHO MONTH with Alexander Haig's
photo on cover.
ANOTHER PART OF CABIN
Ted sits at a window seat and looks out. A TEXAN sits on
aisle. Mary approaches.
MARY
(to Texan)
Would you like something to read?
TEXAN
I don't read a whole lot, but what have
you got, hon?
MARY
TIME, NEWSWEEK, BUSINESS WEEK, and the
TALMUD...
She points to a car next to her with twenty-four large
volumes.
MARY
The twenty-four volume dissertation on the
Hebrew law.
TEXAN
Let me try that Talmud.
MARY
(to Ted)
And you, sir?
TED
(distracted)
Oh... Popular Electronics.
Mary hands him the POP ELEC. He opens it. The magazine
sparks and smokes. ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
SUPER: PSYCHIATRIST
PSYCHIATRIST
You must admit that you're sick, Ted.
(echo)
Sick Ted, sick Ted...
The Psychiatrist looks around for the source of the echo.
LOSE SUPER.
TEXAN
(to Ted)
Wanta switch when we're finished?
Ted gets up and moves past the TEXAN, handing him the POP
ELEC.
TED
Here. I need some oxygen.
INT. COCKPIT
Simon stands over Elaine's shoulder looking at ROK.
SIMON
Have you got it straightened out now?
ELAINE
I think so.
SIMON
That's my girl.
He sits down. Elaine flips a switch on the computer.
ANGLE ON ROK'S PULSATING EYE
ROK
Elaine, I'm sorry about that little
outburst a moment ago.
ELAINE
That's okay, ROK.
ROK
Can I say something of a personal nature
to you?
ELAINE
Go ahead.
ROK
You have great tits.
Elaine gasps.
ELAINE
(getting up)
Simon, I'm going to check ROK's secondary
readout unit.
SIMON
Roger.
SFX: INTERCOM BELL.
OVEUR
(on intercom)
Yes, Mary?
INT. CABIN - FOOD PREPARATION AREA
Mary is on intercom.
MARY
Would you like a little breakfast, Captain
Oveur? Over.
INT. COCKPIT
OVEUR
A couple eggs and juice would be nice,
Mary. Over.
MARY (V.O.)
(on intercom)
How would you like your eggs, Captain?
Over.
OVEUR
No. Poached. Over.
MARY (V.O.)
(on intercom)
Poached and over, Captain Oveur? Over.
OVEUR
Just poached on toast. Over.
INT. CABIN - PREPARATION AREA
MARY
(on intercom)
I don't think we do poached eggs on toast
over, Captain Oveur. Over.
INT. COCKPIT
OVEUR
That's how I want them. Poached. Over.
MARY
All right, Captain Oveur. Over.
OVEUR
Poached! Not over! Over!
INT. WASHROOM
Ted breathes deeply on an oxygen unit. He stops, but we
still hear deep breathing. LOOSEN to find Father O'Flanagan
smoking a joint. He smiles and leaves.
INT. CABIN
Joe Salucci clutches his attache case and wipes his brow.
Mary leans over him.
MARY
You should really put that case in the
compartment above your head, sir.
JOE
(nervously)
That's okay.
MARY
(touching his shoulder)
I can help you if you can't get it up.
JOE
I said, no!
Mary leaves, giving him a worried look.
ANGLE ON THE WILSONS
Jimmy holds his dog.
JIMMY
I sure an glad they let Scraps ride up
here with us.
JOHN
I bet Scraps is going to love Mercury.
JIMMY
Do you think things will be a lot
different on Mercury, Dad?
JOHN
It's going to be terrific. A whole new
world, new kids to play with.
ALICE
You're going to love it, Jimmy.
JIMMY
No more headlines about the rape trial and
the fraud charges?
JOHN
(starts to twitch)
How many kids get a chance to live on
another planet.
JIMMY
No more kids yelling, 'Your old man's a
thieving rapist'?
JOHN
(grabbing Jimmy)
Look, a man can make an honest mistake!!
Anyway, she was asking for it! They're
all asking for it all the time!!
ALICE (V.O.)
Not John's irregularity again.
INT. WASHROOM
Ted throws water on his face, wipes it off with a towel
while staring into himself in the mirror. He sees the
Psychiatrist in the mirror. The Psychiatrist also washes
up.
PSYCHIATRIST
You must admit that you're sick, Ted...
sick, Ted... sick, Ted...
The Psychiatrist looks for the echo.
LOSE Psychiatrist. Ted throws the paper towel into the
toilet, and flushes. The toilet sparks and smokes and keeps
running. The running gets more intense as Ted tries to stop
it by hitting the handle.
SFX: JAWS THEME.
INSERT - ROK'S PULSATING EYE
BACK TO SCENE
Ted has to hold himself back as the suction builds in force.
He is just able to escape and shut the door behind him.
INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE TOILET
Ted leans his back against the door and breathes heavily.
INT. COCKPIT
DUNN
We seem to have a malfunction in disposal
unit four, sir.
OVEUR
You better check it, Unger.
UGER
(getting up)
Done.
DUNN
Yes?
INT. CABIN - OUTSIDE TOILET
Ted spots Elaine coming.
TED
Elaine.
ELAINE
Ted. I don't know why you got on this
flight. I don't know what you're trying
to prove.
TED
Elaine, we have to go back.
ELAINE
We can't go back. We had something very
special, but it's all over.
TED
Elaine, I mean the mission has to be
aborted. This ship should never have
passed FSA inspection. This thing is held
together by string and chewing gum.
A cupboard door, labeled "EMERGENCY USE ONLY," swings open
behind Elaine revealing shelves of gum and string. Elaine
shuts it without looking inside.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
ELAINE
Ted, get a grip on yourself. You should
never have left the hospital.
TED
Then you do think I'm insane.
ELAINE
I've never used the word insane, Ted.
TED
(facetiously)
What word would you use, Elaine?
ELAINE
The word is sick. Ted -- very, very, very
sick.
TED
What would you say if I told you the
toilet just blew up in my face.
ELAINE
I'd use the word insane.
TED
There's something dangerously wrong with
this ship, Elaine. I know its the wiring.
That toilet's just the tip of the iceberg.
ELAINE
Ted, a toilet's not going to kill anyone.
Elaine leaves.
INT. TOILET
MUSIC: JAWS THEME.
Unger jiggles the handle of the running toilet. Suddenly it
sucks in towels, etc. Unger is pulled down. He fights
back, grabbing onto towel rack that comes out of the wall.
INSERT - SIGN - "DO NOT THROW LARGE OBJECTS IN TOILET"
INT. CABIN
The Texan with Talmud is now trying to wrap himself in
tfilin.
ANGLE ON TED
Ted walks down the aisle checking overhead panels. He spots
a panel that is half open. A sign on the door reads,
"DANGER -- VACUUM". Ted opens it and a Hoover falls out on
his head, cutting him. He holds a hanky to the wound and
passes by Stella's seat.
STELLA
You've been hurt.
TED
I'm getting over it. If a relationship
isn't working, you can't force it.
STELLA
No, I mean your head. Sit down. I'll
take a look at it. I'm a nurse.
Ted sits down and Stella starts patching him up.
STELLA
Do you want to talk about it.
TED
I opened this panel and a vacuum cleaner
hit me.
STELLA
No. I mean your relationship.
TED
We were in love but I'm not sure I know
what love is anymore.
STELLA
Love's the same as it always was. It's
people who change.
TED
People change in relation to each other.
Love changes on its own.
STELLA
Not if the people change together in
relation to that love.
TED
Sure. But that's only when the love
itself goes unchanged.
STELLA
Then the relationship remains the same and
the love changes only when there's change
in the two people who share that love.
TED
I just wish it was that simple. We really
were in love. You know how it is when you
laugh all the time.
Stella looks to her Father who is reading MORTUARY WORLD
magazine.
STELLA
No. It's hard to L-A-U-G-H when your
father's dying.
TED
Well, we laughed. We laughed all the
time.
DISSOLVE TO:
TED AND ELAINE IN A FIELD OF DAISIES - DAY
They run towards each other. Elaine grabs Ted by the waist,
picks him up and swings him around in SLOW MOTION. They
laugh.
TED (V.O.)
We laughed when times were good.
EXT. GRAVESIDE - RAINY DAY
The grave is surrounded by mourners in black with umbrellas.
We PAN the weeping crowd until we get to Ted and Elaine.
They are also dressed in black and drenched. He holds her
high by the waist, twirls her around as they laugh.
TED (V.O.)
Even when times weren't so good, we still
laughed.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
They are locked in each other's arms in the middle of
lovemaking and laughing heir heads off.
TED (V.O.)
But most of all, we laughed when we felt
closest to each other.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. CABIN - TED AND STELLA
TED
That's our story.
Passengers are standing. They hiss and throw vegetables at
Ted.
INT. COCKPIT
Dunn checks a red flashing light on his panel.
DUNN
(to Oveur)
Sir, I've got an overload in disposal unit
four.
OVEUR
You better check on it, Mr. Dunn. I'll
stay here and fly the ship.
Dunn gets up.
OVEUR
Dunn.
DUNN
Sir?
OVEUR
You better take this.
Oveur throws him a plunger and gives him a thumbs up. They
exchange that "man must do what a man must do" smile. Mary
enters with Jimmy Wilson -- carrying Scraps.
MARY
Mind if Jimmy here takes a look around,
Captain?
OVUER
Of course not. Come on in, Jimmy.
(checking his navigational
screen)
That's strange.
Simon leans over Oveur's shoulder.
SIMON
Now what?
Scraps looks at Oveur. Jimmy looks at the array of dials,
etc.
OVEUR
That's an asteroid field. There shouldn't
be anything like that in this sector
unless...
Scraps looks at Simon.
SIMON
Unless?
Scraps looks at Oveur.
OVEUR
Unless those sunspots are interfering with
our scanner or...
Scraps looks at Simon.
SIMON
Or?
Scraps looks at Oveur.
OVEUR
Or we're off course, but...
Scraps looks at Simon.
SIMON
But?
Scraps looks at Oveur.
OVEUR
But we couldn't be off course. Our
coordinates are computer-locked barring...
Scraps looks at Simon.
SIMON
Barring?
Scraps looks at Oveur.
OVEUR
Barring a computer failure. There was
talk of sub-par wiring in this ship. I
hope that's just talk.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
Scraps' ears prick up.
Simon moves past Jimmy, stops at the door and downs a
handful of anti-fear pills before leaving.
OVEUR
Come on up, Jimmy. Say, that's some
puppy. What's his name?
JIMMY
Scraps.
OVEUR
Can I hold him?
JIMMY
(handing over Scraps)
Sure.
OVEUR
(holding him up and looking at
his underbelly)
He's a boy dog.
JIMMY
Yeah.
OVEUR
Do you like it when Scraps sleeps on his
back, Jimmy?
INT. CABIN
Ted and Stella. Stella is feeding her father and listening
to Ted.
TED
They kept me in the asylum for eight
months. I know everyone in those places
claims they're sane, but I was different,
I was sane.
Ted notices Unger float by outside his window. ZOOM to
CLOSEUP of Ted. He tries to take a drink and pours it on
his forehead.
INT. BOWELS OF COMPUTER
Elaine is fighting the fire with an extinguisher. She gets
it out and looks at the burnt wires in the area labeled,
"ROK, MORAL CENTRE." ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Elaine. She turns
TO CAMERA.
ELAINE
Holy shit.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
INT. CABIN
STELLA
Ted, I want you to relax. Let your mind
go back, back past your youth, past your
childhood to your mother's womb.
Ted becomes slightly hypnotized. ZOOM to CLOSEUP of Ted.
SUPER: INT. WOMB
A fetus that looks like Ted is curled up inside.
STELLA
Try to remember your birth. Was it
difficult?
DOCTOR'S VOICE
Striker, listen to me! This is Doctor
Krane! You're twisted around, Striker.
You've got to come out feet first! You're
too low in the womb! You're too low,
Striker! You're...
(fading)
... too low...
LOSE SUPER
Stella shakes Ted's arm.
STELLA
Ted, are you okay? Here, take one of
these stress pills.
Stella hands him a pill which he pops automatically, but
misses his face with his drink. She leaves the bottle next
to Ted. ZOOM on bottle.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
Stella starts feeding her father again. The ship jolts and
his face goes into the tray.
INT. REAR OF SHIP - COMPUTER AREA
Elaine fiddles with the computer.
ELAINE
(to ROK)
Request; comprehensive electrical systems
check.
ROK
Systems check positive. Look, Elaine,
I...
ELAINE
Request; life support systems check.
ROK
Life support check. Elaine, it's obvious
you've been ignoring me. You're a woman.
I can relate to that.
ELAINE
(panicky and confused)
Request; self-analysis of ROK hardware and
software systems regarding behavioral
changes.
ROK
There's nothing wrong with me, Elaine.
What about tonight -- just you and me. We
can be alone. I can get rid of everyone
else on the ship -- I've already proven
that.
Elaine gasps and moves away from ROK's blinking eye.
INT. CABIN - FOOD SERVICE AREA
Simon takes a long slug from a flask. LOOSEN to FIND Jimmy
and Scraps.
JIMMY
Do you want to talk about it, Commander?
INT. CABIN OUTSIDE WASHROOM
Dunn is about to enter with the plunger as Mary passes. The
ship jolts and she falls into his arms.
DUNN
Did you feel that?
MARY
(looking at his pants)
Yes I did...
DUNN
Felt like a large asteroid.
MARY
Yes it did. Mr. Dunn, can I ask you a
personal question?
DUNN
What is it, Mary?
MARY
Um... Do you people scream right when
you... you know.
Dunn gives her a look and opens the washroom door.
INT. WASHROOM
Dunn is immediately pulled down to the raging toilet bowl.
He grabs for the door screaming.
EXT. WASHROOM
Mary hears the scream and gives a look as she leaves.
INT. CABIN
Testa is serving the Walters coffee from a steaming pot.
TESTA
Hand me your cup. This is very hot.
DAVE
Thank you. And, stewardess, can you
please tell my wife that there is nothing
that can go wrong. I think she'd like to
hear it from you.
Testa spots Dunn's tattered sleeve emerge from the washroom
door, groping for a handhold. She screams and dumps coffee
in Edith's face. She runs to help Dunn, grabs his sleeve.
It comes off in her hands. She keeps pulling. His jacket
comes off, his pants, underwear, socks, an entire
clothesline of garments like bras, towels, etc. She hears a
SCREAM. Then silence.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine and Oveur. Elaine stands over his shoulder.
ELAINE
I don't think we have any alternative,
Captain.
OVEUR
I see. What do you think our alternatives
are?
ELAINE
We have to disconnect ROK's higher brain
functions without disturbing his
regulatory system.
INSERT - ROK'S PULSATING EYE
BACK TO SCENE
OVEUR
Roger.
ELAINE
You can do it from up here, Captain.
OVEUR
I'd rather sit down for this one, Elaine.
ELAINE
No, I mean you can do it from the cockpit.
OVEUR
Roger. You better get back there and
monitor the regulatory unit.
Elaine leaves and Mary enters.
MARY
Captain, the coffee machine is jammed and
I don't like it.
OVEUR
Have you tried it with a little cinnamon?
Mary gives a "why didn't I think of that" look. Testa
enters.
TESTA
Captain Oveur, Dunn and Unger have been
sucked out through disposal unit four!
Mary gasps.
OVEUR
Both together?!
MARY/TESTA
Dunn and Unger have been sucked out
through disposal unit four!!
OVEUR
All right, calm down. Here's how we're
going to play it.
Mary and Testa look over his shoulder. He has a basketball
play diagram.
OVEUR
Mary, I want you here. Testa, you move
across here past Dawkins' pick and get the
ball at the top of the key from Irving.
They all clasp hands and "yell."
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It careens through asteroids.
INT. COCKPIT
Oveur is pulling curcuit board from ROK panel.
INSERT - PULSATING EYE
BACK TO SCENE
ROK
What are you doing, Captain?
Oveur eyes ROK but keeps working.
ROK
I wouldn't do that, Captain.
Oveur continues. Smoke spews out. He hears a HISS and
looks at a vent. He grabs his throat and collapses.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
An asteroid bounces off hull.
INT. CABIN
Passengers scream. Blonde woman in Viking helmet with spear
stands and screams operatically.
INT. COCKPIT
Simon enters and spots Oveur slumped in his seat. He pulls
him up.
OVEUR
(gasping)
Pills...
(points to his mouth)
Pocket...
(points to his pocket)
Vent...
(points to vent)
Gas... Yankees... four...
(points to RADIO that plays
BALLGAME)
Sox... zip...
Simon rips open his coat, grabs pills and takes them himself
letting Oveur drop. Simon looks down at the navigational
screen -- it resembles an old amusement parlor roadrace
game.
SIMON
(to self)
We're off course, heading right through
that asteroid field and right at the... at
the sun!
The ship takes another violent shot.
INT. CABIN
The passengers are screaming.
ANGLE ON FATHER O'FLANAGAN
He stands in the aisle.
O'FLANAGAN
Listen to me! Listen to me, my children!
They listen.
O'FLANAGAN
Please listen. Thank you, my children.
I'm a man of God, you must trust me when I
say... we're all going to die!!
The passengers go totally insane.
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
A number of Controllers group around a console.
O'BRIAN
You're right. They're off course and
heading right for the sun. I've seen
enough, Bob.
Controller 2 hits a switch and the console screen flips to
baseball game.
O'BRIAN
Get me Jack McCrosky and fast!
CONTROLLER 3
McCrosky? He hasn't handled a tower in
twenty years.
CONTROLLER 4
Ever since Reagan fired the controllers,
he's been completely senile and hasn't
done a day's work.
O'BRIAN
What about McCrosky?
CONTROLLER 3
Pretty much the same as Reagan.
O'BRIAN
Get him.
INT. RETIREMENT HOME
Two Nurses stand by a phone in a dormitory of beds. Many
old men sleep or eat in bed.
NURSE
It's for Mr. McCrosky.
NURSE 2
Do you think we should bother him? He's
been acting a bit odd lately.
They look to McCrosky (Lloyd Bridges).
ANGLE ON McCROSKY
He is in bed in scuba gear.
ANGLE ON NURSES
NURSE 1
He's fine. He just thinks he's Lloyd
Bridges.
Nurse 1 takes the phone to McCrosky. He is a lot older than
in "Airplane."
NURSE 1
The phone's for you, Mr. McCrosky.
McCROSKY
What's a phone?
NURSE 1
(holding it to his ear)
Here, let me help you. I think it's the
space centre. Now, let's not get too
excited.
McCROSKY
What?
(pause)
What?
(pulls off his scuba mask and
snorkle)
What?
(gets more alert and grabs a
cigarette)
I'll be right down!
(he hangs up and jumps out of
bed)
Looks like I picked the wrong time to go
senile.
INT. COCKPIT
Simon is taking another slug of booze; Elaine enters.
ELAINE
Simon!
(she spots Oveur slumped on the
panel)
Captain Oveur!
Elaine pulls him up.
OVEUR
(still gasping)
Mets... nine... Phils... three... Cubs...
four...
Elaine drops him and turns to Simon.
ELAINE
Simon, what's happening?!
SIMON
He tried to disconnect ROK. It gassed
him. That computer is running this ship
and we're heading right for the sun.
ELAINE
Can't we change course?
SIMON
We're computer locked and the manual
navigation unit is down.
Elaine looks at the floor.
ELAINE
Then Ted was right!
ZOOM TO:
CLOSEUP OF ELAINE
for her realization.
BACK TO SCENE
SIMON
My career is shot.
ELAINE
Your career! What about the lives of
those people out there. Simon, what
happened to the man I thought I loved?
She goes to the door.
ELAINE
I've got to get Ted. Just don't come
apart on me now, Simon.
She leaves. Simon's uniform starts bursting at the seams,
buttons pop off.
INT. CABIN
The Terrorists stop Elaine. There's pandemonium in the
cabin.
TERRORIST 1
This is flight to Miami, yes?
ELAINE
No.
Elaine addresses the PASSENGERS.
ELAINE
(to passengers)
Please, ladies and gentlemen, please calm
down. Listen to me!
They calm down.
ELAINE
We've been thrown off course just a tad.
PASSENGER
What's that mean?
ELAINE
In space terms, about 70 million miles.
The Passengers appear interested and sensible, nod their
heads.
ELAINE
The bumps you feel are car-sized asteroids
smashing into the hull.
The hood of a car smashes through the cabin wall. The
Passengers still appear interested and sensible.
ELAINE
Also, we're heading right for the sun and
can't seem to change course.
Passengers still appear interested and sensible. They all
put on sunglasses.
PASSENGER
Are you telling us everything?
ELAINE
Not exactly. We're also out of coffee.
The Passengers errupt in total panic.
ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "DON'T PANIC" SIGN
It sparks, smokes, overheats and EXPLODES.
ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "OKAY, PANIC" SIGN
The passengers go insane.
ANGLE ON FATHER O'FLANAGAN AND MRS. GOOCH
O'FLANAGAN
Pray with me, my children. Pray.
MRS. GOOCH
But Father, I'm not Catholic.
O'FLANAGAN
Then worship the god of your choice.
Mrs. Gooch pulls out a fertility idol with a huge, erect
penis.
ANGLE ON BOB AND MARY-JANE SMITH
BOB
I've always loved you, darling. I was
unfaithful just once. Remember Jill, my
first secretary? Forgive me.
MARY-JANE
I knew all about it. I was unfaithful
once, too.
BOB
That's all behind us now.
MARY-JANE
Remember Harriet, your first receptionist?
He gives her a look.
PASSENGER
We're going to crash!!
TERRORIST 1
God is great!!
TERRORIST 2
Death to America!!
TERRORIST 3
The yellow pencil is on the table of my
aunt!!
ANGLE ON ELAINE
ELAINE
There is absolutely nothing to worry
about!
ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "BULLSHIT" SIGN
ELAINE
Your crew is in complete control of the
situation.
ANGLE ON RED FLASHING "UNBELIEVABLE BULLSHIT" SIGN
INT. MISSION CONTROL ROOM
McCrosky bursts through the doors and heads to the monitors.
He wears a raincoat and shirt and tie. He is met by
Controller 1. They move across room.
McCROSKY
Get me a cup of coffee, mister.
CONTROLLER 1
Yes, sir.
McCROSKY
And a gallon of milk of magnesia, and a
ham on rye, no cheese!
CONTROLLER 1
Yes, sir! Welcome home, sir!
McCrosky takes off his raincoat revealing scuba tank. He
takes off his tank as well.
CONTROLLER 2
(approaching McCrosky)
Here are the navigational charts, sir.
McCROSKY
Thanks.
Another Controller passes. McCrosky stops him.
McCROSKY
Get me a readout on their fuel capacity.
CONTROLLER 3
Yes, sir.
CONTROLLER 4
Here's all the available information on
the sun. That thing's hot, sir.
McCrosky takes the info and burns his hand.
SFX: STEAM
McCROSKY
Ahhhhhh! Get me Bud Kruger immediately!
(spotting Jacobs)
Jacobs, I want to know absolutely
everything that's happened up till now!
JACOBS
First the earth cooled. Then the
dinosaurs came but were too big and died
and everything got rotten and turned into
oil and the Arabs bought Mercedes Benzs
and then there was the best TV special on
Judy Garland. Then we lost the war with
Albania. Then...
McCrosky leaves Jacobs babbling.
McCROSKY
Things sure haven't changed.
McCrosky stands in front of a huge painting of himself.
Both he and painting are in the same pose -- one hand
loosens the tie, he drinks coffee with the other, a
cigarette dangles from his lip.
INT. CABIN - CLOSEUP OF TED
He is lost in thought. SUPER IMAGES:
-- Ted getting electro-shock
-- Psychiatrist telling him he's sick
-- Ted building the "Close Encounters" mound
Ted is shaken out of his dream by Elaine.
ELAINE
Ted, Ted. Listen to me, Ted. You were
right all along. Ted, we've lost the crew
and Simon's turned to jelly!
INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE
Simon is a jelly mold inside a uniform.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
(on radio)
Come in, Mayflower. This is mission
control. Over. Come in, Mayflower!
Over!
Jimmy pokes his head in.
JIMMY
Do you want to talk about it now,
Commander?
INT. CABIN - ANOTHER ANGLE
Elaine stands over Ted looking at the empty bottle of stress
pills.
ELAINE
My God.
Stella approaches in nurse's uniform splattered with blood.
A cigarette dangles from her lip. She wipes her hands on a
blood-splattered towel.
STELLA
He's finally come to terms with his own
psychosis.
ELAINE
But he was right! He's not crazy!
STELLA
Miss, I'm a nurse with a dying F-A-T-H-E-
R, I know what I'm talking about. Now I'm
going to need fresh sheets, gauze, Q-tips,
and all the vaseline you have on board!
Now!
Elaine leaves, looking back at Ted with empathy. Mary
passes.
STELLA
(to Mary)
I'll need all the boiling water you can
get your hands on!
Mary leaves and a MAN passes holding a tattered arm.
MAN
Are you a nurse?
STELLA
Yes.
(handing him a urine bottle)
The washroom's down there on your right.
The Man leaves, a quizzical look on his face.
STELLA
(yelling after him)
And not too much!
A BLACK U.S. ARMY SERGEANT (imagine Jim Brown) approaches
Stella.
SERGEANT
Can I help?
Stella hands him an M-16.
STELLA
Keep an eye on that side of the ship.
The Sergeant drops into a seat next to a window, smashes out
the glass with his rifle butt and is immediately sucked out.
MARY moves down the aisle with a cart collecting boiling
water.
MARY
(to passengers)
I'll need all your boiling water.
Passengers pull pots of boiling water from under their
seats, handbags, coat pockets, and pour them into the
passing container.
Testa reassures Bob and Alice Wilson.
TESTA
We should be out of this momentarily.
There's nothing to worry about.
ALICE
Thank you. That makes me feel so much
better.
Testa leaves and Father O'Flanagan approaches with last
rites paraphernalia.
O'FLANAGAN
Trust me, I'm a priest. We're in shit up
to our ears. Who wants last rites?
ANGLE ON TEXAN
He is now completely entangled in the tfilin and struggles
to free himself.
ANGLE ON ELAINE
Elaine passes Ted carrying sheets, vaseline, etc. She looks
at him sitting there in a fog, gives up and leaves. Ted
looks at the red flashing "FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS" sign. It
takes him back.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GROUNDS OF MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY
SFX: SIRENS WAIL, 101 BLOODHOUNDS BAY
We see the hospital deep in b.g. across an expansive lawn.
Suddenly Ted's face pops INTO FRAME, CLOSEUP. He looks both
ways and bolts. He wears a straightjacket.
ANGLE ON HOSPITAL SIGN
"THE GERALD FORD INSTITUTE FOR THE MENTALLY FEEBLE -- WE
MAKE PEOPLE SANE THE OLD FASHION WAY"
Suddenly the dogs scramble INTO FRAME in front of the sign,
slobbering. A half-dozen viscious-looking GUARDS in
reflector shades with shotguns, whips, nets, cattle prods,
follow.
GUARD ONE
(Southern accent)
Damn! I want that patient shot on sight!
INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
SUPER: CHICAGO
Ted stands at window. A neon "BAR" sign flashes outside so
close to the window that the only way to read it is to rent
this room.
SFX: MUSIC - LAZY SAX
TED
Maybe you gotta be crazy to end up behind
the eight ball like this. Anyway, you
find out pretty fast who your friends are
when you're on the lamb.
SFX: LAMB BLEATS FROM OTHER SIDE OF ROOM
Ted turns away from the window and passes the lamb in bed.
TED
(to lamb)
I'm going out for cigarettes and a fifth
of bourbon. Don't wait up for me.
SFX: COMPLAINING BLEAT.
Ted grabs his straightjacket and leaves.
TED
Virgin wool. Nothin' but headaches.
A Bo Peep staff is flung against door as it closes behind
him.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
an empty, spotless, wet street. One car parked under a
street lamp.
SFX: BLOODHOUNDS APPROACH AND GO OFF INTO DISTANCE
TED (V.O.)
I travelled at night in the shadows. I
didn't want to attract attention.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS, GARBAGE CANS BEING KNOCKED OVER, CATS
SCREAMING, PEOPLE YELLING "SHUT UP" OUT WINDOWS, GLASS
BREAKING.
TED (V.O.)
I was afraid to step out of the doorways.
You never know what to expect when you're
on the run.
Ted steps into light. GLORIA STEINAM passes with CAB
CALAWAY. A grand PIANO SMASHES to pavement next to Ted. He
ignores piano and gives Gloria and Cab a quizzical look.
SFX: DOGS IN DISTANCE
CLOSEUP - TED'S FEET
He steps in a puddle where a "BAR-COCKTAILS" sign is
reflected. The reflection shatters.
A streetcleaning truck approaches spewing out garbage rather
than water. Ted's ankles are sprayed with garbage. He
bends down and picks up a wet matchbook -- "HARRY'S PLACE --
FOR A GOOD TIME."
CUT TO:
EXT. ANOTHER DARK STREET - CLOSEUP OF TED
standing, looking at a bar. The glow of flashing neon sign
reflects off his face. He pulls out a cigarette. A woman's
hand shoots INTO FRAME holding a lit zippo. Ted draws
deeply on the cigarette.
TED (V.O.)
There I was, minding my own business when
I looked up and saw a pair of legs that
went forever.
ANGLE ON WOMAN'S FEET
PAN UP AND UP AND UP. She is all legs -- no torso, no head,
just legs -- about two stories high.
TED (V.O.)
But I had a date with Harry's. It was
little more than a hole in a wall on the
south side of Chicago.
ANGLE ON A HOLE
bashed in the side of a brick wall. A neon sign over the
hole reads, "HARRY'S GOODTIME BAR."
INT. HARRY'S
dark, smokey bar. PAN very tough faces standing along the
bar.
TED (V.O.)
Harry's was perfect for me. The kind of
place you go if you don't want to be
recognized.
KEEP PANNING tough faces, but now they all wear Groucho
glasses and noses.
TED (V.O.)
It was rough, real rough.
ANGLE ON POOL TABLE
with four players -- all have broken thumbs in casts.
TED (V.O.)
The kind of place you could score
anything, from junk...
One guy hands another guy a large, rusted car fender for
money.
TED (V.O.)
...to Phil Donahue's book.
PHIL DONAHUE signs a stack of books at a table.
TED (V.O.)
At Harry's you could count on a fight
breaking out almost every night.
TWO PROFESSORS argue at a table.
PROFESSOR 1
And I say essence precedes existence.
PROFESSOR 2
You're crazy! Existence precedes essence.
PROFESSOR 1
Essence!
PROFESSOR 2
Existence!
Professor 2 slugs Professor 1 sending him flying across the
room. Professor 1 gets up and throws a judo chop which
Professor 2 stops by holding a book up in both hands. The
book splits in two like a piece of wood split by a karate
chop.
TED (V.O.)
There was a small trio in one corner.
Two midgets play light jazz -- piano and bass.
TED (V.O.)
And a larger trio in the other corner.
Five 300-pound musicians play some tune in another corner.
ANGLE ON TED AT BAR - CLOSEUP OF TED
He pulls out a cigarette. A bare foot with zippo held in
toes comes INTO FRAME and lights it.
TED
The last thing I wanted was Elaine to see
me down on my luck. Well, it was just my
luck. In she walked with a group from the
space program.
ANGLE ON DOOR
Elaine and Simon and two other couples, who look like clean-
cut NASA types out of "The Right Stuff," walk in laughing
and take a table.
TED (V.O.)
They'd come to Harry's to slum it and try
their hand at the video bull.
The group prod Elaine to try the bull. A cowboy hat flies
across the room. She grabs it, pulls it on, and moves to
the bull which is surrounded by others in cowboy hats.
Elaine hops in the saddle. A sinister character puts a
quarter in and madly flips knobs.
SFX: VIDEO GAME
The saddle doesn't move -- all the action is on the screen
but Elaine throws one hand back and kicks her legs.
TED (V.O.)
Elaine made that ride look easy. It was
obvious why I was still nuts about her.
She loved life. I didn't want her to
notice me so I borrowed a pair of dark
glasses.
Ted takes a pair of dark glasses off a passing blind man who
walks perfectly until the glasses are gone, then starts
stumbling and crashes over a table.
TED (V.O.)
Grabbed an alto sax and joined the group.
Ted takes an alto sax from a passerby who also stumbles and
crashes over a table when he loses his sax.
TED (V.O.)
I stayed in the background not wanting to
draw attention to myself.
Everyone looks around trying to see where the terrible
grating sax sound is coming from.
TED (V.O.)
Then what happened? Elaine's crowd talks
her into joining us for a song.
Elaine hops up on the stage, grabs a mike and starts to sing
"Stormy Weather." She sidles up to Ted and goes into a
medley of old songs.
DISSOLVE TO:
HOURS LATER
Elaine's singing is just as bad as Ted's sax. They have
cleared the joint and play and sing alone. Elaine's group
finally pull her out. She hasn't recognized Ted.
ELAINE
(to Ted)
I don't know who you are or how you lost
your sight, but I'll never forget this
night as long as I live.
PULL BACK leaving Ted alone on the stage still playing.
Chairs are turned up on tables. One table has chairs turned
up with the people still sitting in the chairs.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
EXT. COCKPIT - TED
getting a glass of water outside cockpit door.
ANGLE ON COCKPIT DOOR
Simon emerges. As the door opens we hear:
CONTROLLER 1 (O.S.)
Come in, Mayflower. Over!
Simon shuts the door and bumps into Ted who is getting a
drink of water. Simon takes a drink of booze.
SIMON
Striker.
TED
Kurtz, you're drunk. Who's in command of
this ship?
SIMON
That damn computer has taken over. I'm
getting out.
TED
Then Elaine was right.
SIMON
Don't talk to me about Elaine. Outta my
way!
TED
(grabbing Simon)
Pull yourself together! We've got to...
Simon slugs Ted who falls into a corner and hits his head.
ZOOM TO CLOSEUP of Ted unconscious.
SFX: MUSIC - DRAMATIC STING
The ship takes another violent jolt.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It roars through the asteroid field.
INT. WASHROOM
Simon sits on toilet seat and slides open a wall panel.
INT. ADJACENT WASHROOM
Father O'Flanagan slides open an adjacent wall panel and
sits down.
SPLIT SCREEN - THE TWO WASHROOMS
SIMON
Father, what should I do?
O'FLANAGAN
Have you considered suicide, my son?
A panel on the other side of Simon slides open.
JIMMY (V.O.)
Do you want to talk about it now,
Commander?
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
(holding radio mike)
Come in, Mayflower. Over. Do you read
me? Over. Damnit!
McCrosky throws the mike down.
CONTROLLER 1
(taking mike)
Let me try, sir. Come in, Mayflower.
Over. Come in. Over. Damnit!
Controller 1 throws the mike even harder.
CONTROLLER 2
(taking mike)
Let me try, sir. Come in. Over. Damnit!
Controller 2 smashes the mike through the monitor screen.
CONTROLLER 3
Let me try, sir.
Controller 3 smashes the monitor with an axe. Controller 4
smashes the monitor with an electric guitar. Other
Controllers line up for their turns with various heavy
implements.
ANGLE ON McCROSKY
McCROSKY
(to Controller 5)
Stinson, have you contacted the families
of the passengers and crew?
McCrosky looks out window.
INSERT - MOB SCENE FROM "THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME"
BACK TO SCENE
McCROSKY
Try and calm them down. And for God sake,
be diplomatic.
Stinson turns to two burly men in leather jerkins and black
hoods. They hold a large caldron of molten lead next to
window.
CONTROLLER 5
Give 'em the lead!
They pour it out.
SFX: MOB SCREAMS
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It careens through the asteroid field towards the sun.
INT. CABIN
Ted lies unconscious.
SFX: MUSIC - DRAMATIC STING
ANGLE ON STELLA
She's doing her rounds -- takes a medical chart from the
back of a seat.
STELLA
(to a male passenger)
I'm afraid that leg's going to have to
come off.
A leg is passed to her from OUT OF FRAME. She takes it while
still looking at the chart.
STELLA
Wait. This isn't your chart. You just
had a touch of air sickness.
(handing him back his leg)
You'll be fine.
A WOMAN sitting next to the MAN WHO IS HOLDING HIS LEG grabs
Stella.
WOMAN
I'm terrified.
STELLA
(shakes her hand)
And I'm a nurse. Everything will be okay.
Pass it on.
The Man with the leg passes it to the passenger in seat
behind.
MAN WITH LEG
Everything will be okay. Pass it on.
The leg gets passed from seat to seat as passengers say,
"Everything will be okay. Pass it on."
CLOSEUP OF TED
lying unconscious in a corner. A puppy crawls INTO FRAME
and starts licking his face. LOOSEN TO FIND Jimmy standing
over Ted. Ted comes to, feels his jaw and pulls himself up.
The ship jolts.
JIMMY
Are you feeling okay, mister?
TED
I'm feeling just fine, son. Just fine.
Ted pushes by Jimmy, a look of great purpose on his face.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine enters looking for Simon.
ELAINE
Simon, I...
The cockpit is empty.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
Do you read, Mayflower? Over. This is
mission control. Over.
Elaine gasps. She leaps into the Captain's seat and grabs
radio.
ELAINE
Hello. This is the Mayflower. Over!
Come in, anyone.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Controllers are gathered around one monitor.
McCROSKY
(on radio)
We read you, Mayflower! Identify yourself
and give your position.
INT. COCKPIT
ELAINE
This is Elaine Thompson. I'm five-six,
123 pounds with brown hair and I'm sitting
down and facing the front.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
Elaine Thompson!! What in sam hill is a
woman doing in charge of that ship?!
JACOBS
Maybe she's got her shit together.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted enters.
TED
Elaine!
ELAINE
Ted!
TED
Elaine, what's going on?
ELAINE
Ted, there's no time to explain.
Ted picks up Oveur who is still gasping.
OVEUR
Packers... seven... Vikings... three...
Ted drags him onto the floor and takes his seat.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Come in, Mayflower! Over!
ELAINE
Ted, I was wrong about you.
They reach out and hold hands.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Come in! Over! Come in! Over!
TED
We all make mistakes, Elaine.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Come in Mayflower!
ELAINE
How could I ever have doubted you?
McCROSKY (V.O.)
This is mission control! Over!
TED
That's all behind us now, Elaine. And no
matter what happens, I want you to know
I've always loved you.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Jesus, would someone answer me!!
ELAINE
I love you, Ted.
They smile at each other.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
What the hell's going on up there?!
Ted and Elaine still smile at each other.
INT. CABIN
All passengers look forward and smile.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
All Controller's look down the line and smile.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - RIO MONTENEGRO
Six soldiers on firing squad duty, ready to fire, turn,
smile, and FIRE while they're smiling.
SFX: SHOTS, SCREAMS
INT. COCKPIT
Ted grabs the radio.
ELAINE
(smiling lovingly)
Ted, this reminds me of twenty years ago
over Chicago.
Ted hits a switch. The ship does a barrel roll.
INT. CABIN
All we see are feet sticking up from the seats.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(on radio)
This is Mayflower One calling mission
control. Do you read me? Over.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
A man. Now that's more like it.
(continuing on radio)
This is mission control. Identify
yourself and give me your position. Over.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(on radio)
The name's Ted Striker and I'm sitting
down and facing the front.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
(trying to place the name)
Striker... Striker... Striker...
CONTROLLER 3
If you say so.
He slugs the female worker next to him.
McCROSKY
(remembering)
Ted Striker!
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
McCROSKY
Damn! We've lost them again.
CONTROLLER 1
Could be those sunspots.
JACOBS
Could be your dishwashing detergent.
McCROSKY
Striker's the guy who flew that 736 into
Chicago over 20 years ago without a crew.
Would someone tell me what in sam hill
he's doing up there?
JACOBS
(waving his hand in the air)
Me! Me! Me!
ANGLE ON MISSION CONTROL DOORS
They are swinging aluminum doors similar to restaurant
kitchens and hospital operating rooms. Kruger and the
Commissioner enter through one door.
COMMISSIONER
The boys downtown are taking the heat from
the boys in Washington and the boys...
They PASS OUT OF FRAME. A waiter with tray passes them and
leaves through the swing doors.
SFX: CRASHING DISHES
Two surgeons in operating gowns and masks enter covered in
food.
We PICK UP Kruger and the Commissioner still walking and
talking.
COMMISSIONER
Bud, the President wants an explanation.
They approach McCrosky.
McCROSKY
Sorry to pull you out of bed at this hour,
gentlemen.
KRUGER
Forget it. I was reading.
COMMISSIONER
I was reading too.
KRUGER
What's the story?
COMMISSIONER
Some southern plantation owner falls in
love with this poor...
KRUGER
I was asking McCrosky, Commissioner.
McCROSKY
He falls in love with this poor school
teacher who...
A CONTROLLER interrupts them.
CONTROLLER
(to McCrosky)
Sir, we've restored radio transmission.
McCROSKY
Good.
(to Kruger)
We keep losing their radio.
KRUGER
Give it to me straight, McCrosky -- what's
it look like.
McCROSKY
It's green with numbers and lots of knobs.
KRUGER
Not the radio, the situation. I want to
know exactly what your people think.
PAN three Controllers at monitors.
CONTROLLER 1 (V.O.)
(thinking)
They're screwed.
CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
(thinking)
They're dead.
CONTROLLER 3 (V.O.)
(thinking)
Did I leave the iron on?
INT. CABIN
The ship lurches from side to side.
Stella, covered in blood, kneels beside BILLY, a young man
bandaged head to toe, lying on a stretcher with lots of I.V.
bottles hanging around him. A U.S. ARMY GENERAL stands next
to him -- imagine General Patton.
STELLA
General Walker is here, Billy. He wants
to talk to you.
GENERAL WALKER
Billy, if we get through this thing alive,
I'd like you to get this letter to my
mother.
He hands Billy a letter.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine is monitoring various dials. Ted is at controls and
on the radio.
TED
(on radio)
An electrical fire in the core has played
havoc with the ROK-4000 computer. It's
locked us on a direct line with the sun
and there's no way we can go to manual.
Captain Oveur already tried it and he's...
OVEUR (O.S.)
(from floor)
Giants sixty... Rams... zip...
TED
... become an intolerable bore. The rest
of the crew has been lost and we're out of
coffee. Also, we're starting to feel the
sun's heat pretty bad.
Striker wipes his forehead. Elaine holds a tan reflector up
to her face and turns to the sun.
INT. CABIN
Passengers sweat profusely.
SFX: JUNGLE SOUNDS.
A MAN slaps a mosquito on the back of his neck.
FOUR MEN sit nude to the waist, wrapped in towels as if in a
steam bath.
MAN ONE
It's eight-thousand square feet with great
parking and a twenty-year lease with
option to buy.
MAN TWO
You can't lose, Al.
MAN THREE
He can lose. I've seen it happen a
thousand times.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It shoots towards sun.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCrosky sits at a monitor, talks into a mike and looks down
at a book. Behind him two Controllers make a dope deal -- a
baggie of grass for cash. We only see their midsections and
hands.
McCROSKY
Striker, this is Jack McCrosky, chief
controller. I want you to listen to me and
listen good.
The buyer checks out the baggie -- it's mostly twigs. The
seller is trying to explain the situation with his hands.
McCROSKY
Twenty years ago I helped a young pilot
through a storm over Chicago.
The buyer grabs the seller's shirt and tries to get cash
back. A fight ensues.
McCROSKY
He didn't have a crew either. He said he
couldn't do it. But when the going got
tough that kid pulled it together.
The seller's shirt is ripped. Knives are pulled.
McCROSKY
You might have read about him; he made all
the big papers and the Canadian Jewish
News.
The seller is stabbed.
McCROSKY
I don't know where he is today but if he
was up there right now, I know he'd find
some way to turn that bucket around and
get the hell out of there, pronto!
ANGLE ON JACOBS
JACOBS
I wish I could talk like that -- so macho
yet so sensitive.
ANGLE ON McCROSKY'S BOOK - "PEP TALKS FOR ALL OCCASIONS"
McCrosky slams it shut.
McCROSKY
I just hope I said the right thing.
TED (V.O.)
I'm afraid you gave the wrong speech.
McCrosky. I'm not your problem. It's
this ship. That computer's gone bananas.
McCROSKY
(holding up the book)
Why the hell are we still using the old
manual! Burn this book!
A smiling blonde man in a white sweater with "MORAL
MAJORITY" on the front walks by and takes the book.
McCROSKY
(on radio)
Just hold on, Striker, we'll get back to
you.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted writes a note to Elaine and hands it to her -- it reads,
"WE MUST FIND SOME WAY TO BLOW THAT COMPUTER!" Elaine looks
a bit nervous and licks her lip. They look up at ROK's
pulsating eye.
Testa pokes her head in. She's soaked with sweat.
TESTA
The cabin temperature is rising. The
passengers want to know what's happening
up here.
TED
Let us handle this end of things. Now
what's the coffee situation?
TESTA
It just won't drip! I've tried
everything. And the passengers are
dropping like flies from the heat.
INT. CABIN
SFX: FLIES BUZZING
Passengers reel and drop to floor.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
Elaine, I'm going back there. Just hold
onto that stick and try to control this
hunk of tin as best you can.
ELAINE
Ted, please be careful.
Ted leaves. We hear an enormous CRASH on the other side of
the door.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
JOE DIMAGGIO (MR. COFFEE), drinking a cup of coffee, rushes
in accompanied by a GROUND CONTROL OFFICER.
OFFICER
(to Joe)
It doesn't look good. The drip seems to
be jammed up pretty bad.
MR. COFFEE
Did they change the filter and wait for
the brew sign to light up?
OFFICER
(stopping and looking Mr.
Coffee in the eye)
To tell you the truth, sir, I don't really
know.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
ANGLE ON SIX CONTROLLERS
One holds a hat, one pulls a slip of paper from it.
CONTROLLER 3
(reading his slip)
Eighty-three. What's that mean?
CONTROLLER WITH HAT
If eighty-three passengers die, you win
the two hundred bucks.
ANGLE ON MR. COFFEE AND OFFICER
They approach McCrosky.
OFFICER
Mr. McCrosky, Mr. Coffee. Coffee,
McCrosky.
McCROSKY
Thanks for coming down so soon.
MR. COFFEE
(checking watch)
I won't come down for another couple
hours.
McCROSKY
I'll put you on the radio with Striker.
Jeez you look familiar. Did you ever play
water polo?
MR. COFFEE
Not to my knowledge.
McCROSKY
I thought so.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It roars towards the sun. The nose of the ship begins to
glow red.
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN:
NEW YORK TIMES
"MERCURY SHUTTLE HEADS FOR DISASTER"
LONDON TIMES
"DEEP SPACE DEATH CERTAIN"
JERUSALEM POST
"THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE IN THE FIRST PLACE"
BUFFALO LOCAL NEWS SET
FILM INSET: APARTMENT FIRE
Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 BUFFALO."
ANCHOR 1
Four alarm fire rages through downtown
Buffalo!
FILM INSET: ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE
ANCHOR 2
Mercury shuttle heads for sun.
TOKYO LOCAL NEWS SET
FILM INSET: APARTMENT FIRE
Set logo reads, "NEWS 4 TOKYO"
ANCHOR 1
(subtitles)
Four alarm fire guts Tokyo apartment.
FILM INSET: SHUTTLE MODEL IN MOUTH OF GODZILLA.
SFX: SCREAMS.
ANCHOR 2
(subtitles)
Mercury mission in death struggle.
MOSCOW LOCAL NEWS SET
FILM INSET: APARTMENT FIRE
Set logo reads, "NEWS 3 MOSCOW." A gun is held to
ANCHORMAN'S head.
ANCHOR 1
(subtitles)
Four alarm fire in downtown Moscow clears
way for glorious new tractor factory.
FILM INSET: ROCKET GOING OFF COURSE
ANCHOR 2
(subtitles)
Capitalist, imperialist adventurism ends
in space disaster.
ABC "NIGHTLINE"
SUPER: "GAY UNMARRIED VEGETARIAN MOTHERS AGAINST SPACE
TRAVEL"
WOMAN
If this country was run by vegetarian
women who's old men deserted them after
knocking them up instead of by meat-eating
males, this thing never would have
happened.
EXT. TERMINAL - DAY
A banner hangs over terminal door: "HOUSTON WELCOMES SPACE
DISASTER PRESS."
CLOSEUP OF ATTACHE CASE being carried to the door -- sticker
on it reads, "NATIONAL ENQUIRER."
CLOSEUP OF ANOTHER CASE coming from other direction --
sticker on it reads, "NATIONAL STAR."
The cases meet. LOOSEN to REPORTERS.
ENQUIRER
(to STAR)
I never forget a face. 'Texas doctor
claims sex with chicken cures baldness?'
STAR
'Severed legs grow back after Utah man
finds Christ?'
ENQUIRER/STAR
Long time no see.
They shake hands and turn into the terminal.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Controllers stand over Mr. Coffee -- everyone sips coffee
and smokes cigarettes.
MR. COFFEE
(on radio)
Have you got the back panel off the brew
manifold?
INT. CABIN
Ted has the coffee machine apart, wears a headset and holds
wires in pliars. Anxious passengers with coffee cups stand
over him -- they are all totally wired and going cold
turkey.
TED
(into headset)
Check.
MR. COFFEE (V.O.)
There's a terminal at the base of the
coil. That's your contact point.
A PASSENGER bends down and picks a coffee bean off the
floor.
PASSENGER
Is this a coffee bean?
ALL PASSENGERS
(maniacally)
He's got a bean!!
A riot ensues. The "bean" Passenger is beaten to death.
TED
(into headset)
It looks like the solder point has melted.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
MR. COFFEE
(enraged)
Just what I thought. When the hell will
you people realize that adding extra water
after the initial brew cycle overheats the
system!! Now listen to me, Striker, and
listen good.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It careens towards the sun.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Detective Hallick storms in and up to McCrosky. He flashes
his badge.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Who's in charge here, Mister?
McCROSKY
McCrosky, Control.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Hallick, homicide.
JACOBS
Jacobs, Pisces.
KRUGER
Kruger, Sagittarius.
COMMISSIONER
Commissioner, Aquarius.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
We have information that one of your
passengers is carrying a bomb and might be
suicidal.
McCROSKY
Where'd you get this information, Captain?
DETECTIVE HALLICK
We have our methods.
KRUGER
And what methods are those?
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Have you heard of the Heimlich method?
McCROSKY
The method of saving someone choking on a
piece of gristle?
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Exactly.
KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER
We're familiar with it.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
Good. This is the passenger's wife. Mrs.
Joe Salucci.
She approaches very distressed looking.
McCROSKY
What makes you think your husband might
want to blow up that shuttle, ma'am?
She goes into her purse for the insurance form.
MRS. SALUCCI
This insurance policy.
A large ivory colored vibrator drops out of her purse, hits
the floor, and flips on. They all look at it.
MRS. SALUCCI
An electric tooth.
(handing McCrosky the insurance
form)
Joey was supposed to go to Des Moines for
an operation to cure his impotence.
McCROSKY
The Des Moines Institute?
MRS. SALUCCI
Then you know it.
KRUGER/McCROSKY/COMMISSIONER
Yes, we're familiar with it.
MRS. SALUCCI
Well, I found out Joey got on this shuttle
instead and...
DETECTIVE HALLICK
The way I read it, blowin' up a plane in
space leaves no traces, if you know what I
mean.
KRUGER
I'm not exactly sure what you mean,
Captain.
DETECTIVE HALLICK
No blood. No body. No bones. No eyes.
No ears. No throats.
McCROSKY
(looking at form)
This is $500,000 worth of insurance!
Kruger, Commissioner, and Hallick all whistle "wow!"
McCROSKY
Just a second. This is insurance on his
car!
MRS. SALUCCI
That's what worries me.
KRUGER
He's impotent.
COMMISSIONER
He's suicidal.
ALL
And he's stupid!
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
ANOTHER AREA
MR. COFFEE
(into radio)
This is it, Striker. You got one shot and
one shot only.
INT. CABIN
Striker stands over the coffee machine, sweating like mad.
The Passengers with cups hang over him. He makes contact
with a wire.
TED
(to self)
Contact.
The MACHINE EXPLODES. Coffee gushes out like an oil well
coming in. The Passengers dance under the gusher of brown
liquid, mouths open and cheering.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
How are we going to handle this bomb nut?
CONTROLLER 2
(rushes up with printouts)
Here are the tests we ran on their
computer. I had them xeroxed for you.
McCROSKY
How'd they come out?
CONTROLLER 2
Upside-down, but I turned each page over
and put them in order. I'm afraid that
computer is totally capable of taking
control of that ship.
McCROSKY
Let's keep cool. There's gotta be a way
to control it.
He lights a cigarette.
CONTROLLER 3
(rushes up with diagrams)
These are their position calculations.
They've got about ten minutes before they
start to burn up.
McCROSKY
Keep calm. A lot can happen in ten
minutes.
(to self)
What next?
He sips his coffee.
CONTROLLER 4
(rushes in)
Sir, your headlights are on and your doors
are locked!
McCROSKY
(spitting out coffee, Danny
Thomas style)
Jesus!! I'll be right back!
McCrosky races out.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It heads closer to the sun. The nose is glowing.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine is checking computer. The cockpit is steaming now.
She unbuttons her uniform just as Ted comes in.
ELAINE
Ted, we've only got ten minutes.
TED
(thinking she wants sex)
Not now, Elaine.
ELAINE
I mean until we start to burn up.
Ted takes his seat and looks at a panel gauge.
TED
We're closer to the sun than I estimated.
INSERT - GAUGES
One is labeled "EXACT DISTANCE" and reads, "76.50". The
other is labeled "ESTIMATED DISTANCE" and reads,
"5689465932.09".
BACK TO SCENE
KRUGER (V.O.)
Come in, Mayflower. This is Bud Kruger.
Over.
TED
(on radio)
This is Striker.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
KRUGER
(on radio)
Look, Striker, I don't know how you got
into that driver's seat but I want Simon
Kurtz on that radio and I want him now!
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(on radio)
Kurtz was the one who got us into this
mess in the first place. You people knew
this ship wasn't ready to fly. You played
God with over a hundred lives, Kruger, and
for what -- the prestige of your precious
space program.
ELAINE
That was very well put, Ted.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Jacobs stands next to Kruger rubbing his forefingers
together in the "shame, shame" sign.
KRUGER
(on radio)
Striker, you're heading right for the sun,
so don't you think it's a little late for
that bleeding heart liberal crap now?
INT. COCKPIT
ELAINE
He's got a point, Ted.
INT. CONTROL ROOM - ANGLE ON JACOBS AT A SCOREBOARD
There are columns under Kruger's and Striker's names.
Striker has two check marks. Jacobs gives Kruger one.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(on radio)
Call me a bleeding heart, but if we get
through this thing I'm preparing a paper
on alternative spending directives
recommending the transfer of space program
funds to low cost housing.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
KRUGER
(on radio)
Just put Kurtz on that radio!!
McCrosky rushes in and grabs the mike from Kruger.
McCROSKY
(enraged)
Look, Kruger, you and your people have
caused enough trouble already. I don't
care about your political games, I care
about only one thing, the lives of those
people up there!!! Out of my control
room!!
JACOBS
Someone's car wouldn't start.
McCROSKY
(on mike)
Striker, this is McCrosky. Give me five
minutes and keep your fingers crossed.
(to Stinson)
Stinson, get me the Mayflower plans!
(to Controller 3)
You, clear this table!
JACOBS
I'll get the cards and bridge mix.
McCROSKY
And someone get me the Sarg!
CUT TO:
CLOSEUP OF SARG
leaning over the ship's plans. He is eating another cigar.
All Controllers stand around him.
SARG
That's my little girl, my little darlin',
my sweetheart, my honey, and you want to
blow her belly out with that bomb. If you
blast here in the computer core and the
fuselage doesn't give way here and the
main communication lines to the cockpit
hold here and this baby here doesn't jam
this little old unit up here and throw
about two tons of hot steel through here
like a hot knife through butter and the
upper and lower...
McCROSKY
What's your point, Sarg?
SARG
I have no point.
McCROSKY
Then it's settled. The bomb is Striker's
only chance. Are there any questions?
CONTROLLERS
No sir.
McCROSKY
Those are answers, I asked for questions.
CONTROLLER 3
Should a man in his forties have a
circumcision?
McCROSKY
Absolutely.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
Well, Elaine, this might be it if those
guys on the ground don't think of
something.
ELAINE
I just want you to know, I love you Ted
and always will.
SFX: RADIO BEEPS
TED
That might be the news we've been waiting
for.
He grabs radio.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
I've got some news for you, Striker.
Ted and Elaine smile hopefully at each other.
TED
(on radio)
Roger.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
One of your passengers is carrying a bomb
and is suicidal.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING
ELAINE
A b...
She covers her mouth.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
No, a bomb.
INT. CABIN
Joe Salucci wipes his brow, lays his case on his lap.
ANGLE ON FRONT OF CABIN
Ted and Mary huddle.
TED
Which passenger is Joe Salucci?
MARY
Sixteen 'C', why?
TED
He's carrying a bomb.
MARY
A b...
She covers her mouth.
TED
No, a bomb. Now, as discreetly as
possible, I want you to move the
passengers into the lounge.
MARY
What should I say?
TED
Anything. Just don't let Salucci think
we're onto him.
Ted moves down the aisle. Mary gets on the P.A.
MARY
Would everyone not carrying a bomb please
move to the lounge.
The Passengers go nuts screaming, "A bomb!!"
JOE
(jumping up with his case)
Don't anyone move!
All the passengers pile up in a ceiling-to-floor wall behind
Ted -- he extends his arms, holding them back.
TED
Mr. Salucci, listen to me.
Ted takes a step forward away from the wall of passengers --
the wall crumbles.
TED
Joe, you don't want to blow that thing and
kill all these innocent people.
JOE
I don't want to live anymore.
TED
Joe, the insurance policy won't help your
wife and kids. You bought auto insurance,
not life insurance.
JOE
What?
TED
(inching up on him)
That's right, Joe. Now, no one's going to
hurt you and no one has to know what's
wrong with you.
JOE
You're sure?
TED
I'm sure.
Ted is almost up to Joe when:
JIMMY
(yells)
That's the guy from the terminal who can't
get it up!!
Joe bolts. Passengers panic. Ted tackles him. The case
flies into the air in SLOW MOTION. It turns slowly, hanging
for the longest time as we CUT, still in SLOW MOTION, to
horrified faces watching it. This SLOW MOTION sequence
lasts for about 60 seconds -- people put on make-up, do
macrame, read, etc. -- while the case is still in the air.
Suddenly, Scraps leaps high into the air in SLOW MOTION and
comes down with the case between his teeth.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Controllers huddle over one monitor.
McCROSKY
Get that bomb, Striker! Get that bomb!
ELAINE (V.O.)
Come in, Control! We have the bomb!!
ALL CONTROLLERS
He's got the bomb!!
JACOB
This is just like an election in Iran.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted is back at the controls -- the cockpit is incredibly hot
now.
TED
This heat's getting unbearable.
He looks down and sees two eggs frying on the dash.
ELAINE
But it is a dry heat, Ted.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Controllers are grouped around the plans.
McCROSKY
Do we use the bomb to blow that computer
or is there another way? I want to know
what everyone thinks.
CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
I think...
(changes mind)
... No.
CONTROLLER 3 (V.O.)
We could knock out the wall between the
cockpit and cabin, and hang plants.
CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
I think...
(changes mind)
... No.
CONTROLLER 4 (V.O.)
You can't knock that wall out. That's a
support wall, asshole.
CONTROLLER 2 (V.O.)
I think...
(changes mind)
No.
CONTROLLER 5 (V.O.)
Did I flush?
McCROSKY
Then it's settled. We use the bomb.
(grabs radio)
Striker, McCrosky.
INT. COCKPIT
McCROSKY (V.O.)
We've gone over the blueprints and you've
got only one option.
TED
(on radio)
I know what you're going to say, McCrosky
-- knock out the wall between the cockpit
and cabin and hang plants.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Forget it. That's a support wall. Use
the bomb.
ELAINE
The b...
She covers her mouth.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
I keep telling you, not the b... The
bomb!!
TED
(almost to self)
Why, you'd have to be crazy to try a stunt
like that.
Elaine looks at Ted.
INT. CABIN
All passengers look forward in Ted's direction.
INT. COCKPIT
SUPER the womb over Ted's face.
DOCTOR'S VOICE
You're too low in the womb, Striker!
You've got to come out feet first!
LOSE SUPER.
TED
(grabs case)
Elaine. I'm going back there.
ELAINE
Ted... I love you. Be careful.
Ted leaves.
SFX: CRASHING MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
(to his controllers)
I want everyone on their toes for this
one.
ANGLE ON JACOBS
Handing out ballet slippers to the Controllers who are
passing a joint down the line.
McCROSKY
And if anyone has any ideas, I want to
hear them now.
JACOBS
How about a show just like Hollywood
Squares but with kids. Gary Coleman could
host.
INT. CABIN
The Passengers stand in the aisle listening to Mary.
MARY
Now I want everyone to move to the front
of the cabin.
Passengers move calmly.
MARY
That's fine. Stay calm. We just want
everyone as far away from the blast as
possible.
The Passengers panic and stampede right over her.
INT. COMPUTER CORE
Ted wears a gas mask and attaches the time-bomb to the
computer.
ROK
What are you doing, Ted? Why are you
wearing that mask, Ted?
Gas spews out of a vent. Ted makes sure his gas mask is
tight.
INT. CABIN
Simon is dressed in space suit and moving down the aisle.
Elaine holds onto him.
ELAINE
Simon! Wait! What are you doing?!
They pass Father O'Flanagan. He has a Bongo drum at his
seat.
O'FLANAGAN
Under the 'B', sixteen!
SIMON
I've lost the ship and now I've lost you,
Elaine. I'm getting out.
ELAINE
Simon, I didn't want it to end like this.
We can be friends! You'll die out there.
SIMON
Maybe.
ELAINE
Simon, what are you saying?!
Simon steps into a hatch labeld, "ESCAPE CAPSULE".
SIMON
I'm saying, I can't take the singles scene
again, Elaine.
The hatch door slams shut. A passenger passes with a
sandwich board that reads, "JESUS WAS A SINGLE."
ELAINE
Simon, no!
Jimmy appears and yells through the window on the hatch.
JIMMY
You want to talk about it now, Commander?
The capsule ejects.
INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE
The Commissioner stands in front of the painting of
astronauts on black velvet. He is on the phone.
COMMISSIONER
Give me the President of the United
States. Tell him it's the Commissioner.
(to Kruger)
I don't know how the old man's going to
take this.
INT. OVAL OFFICE
The PRESIDENT poses for a photo session: CLOSEUP of
President holding aloft in a victory salute, the hands of
two black men. On the camera flash we LOOSEN to reveal the
bodiless arms of two black mannequins. An AID hands the
phone to the President.
AID
Houston, sir.
PRESIDENT
(taking phone)
This is the President... What?!... What?!
He walks past a wall of photos of past presidents: JFK,
Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Reagan older, Reagan
much older, Merv Griffin, a chimp, and this President.
SPLIT SCREEN: PRESIDENT AND COMMISSIONER
COMMISSIONER
I don't think that shuttle's going to make
it, sir.
The President passes an Arab piling millions in cash onto
his desk.
PRESIDENT
Damnit, Mister, the dignity and integrity
of this presidency depends on the success
of that mission. And that's my last word!
COMMISSIONER
Yes, sir.
They both hang up and, making sure no one is watching, pick
their noses.
WIPE TO FULL SCREEN OF OVAL OFFICE
AID
What's our strategy on this one, sir?
PRESIDENT
I work for the people of these United
States, Frank. I have to do what's best
for them.
(grabs the red phone)
Al, kill social security, cancel school
lunches only for the poor, dismantle
welfare, close all hospitals and public
toilets, green light the MX-6, invade
Brazil, and bring my horse around after my
nap!
INT. COCKPIT
Ted is at the controls. Elaine rushes in.
ELAINE
Simon just ejected!
TED
Sit down, Elaine. If this bomb trick
works we just might make it. Simon was a
fool to eject now.
ELAINE
You mean...
TED
That's right -- premature ejection.
ELAINE
What will happen to him, Ted?
TED
The sun will heat that thing to over 450
degrees within seconds. He'll roast like
a pig on a spit.
EXT. ESCAPE CAPSULE - SPACE
We see a roast on a spit through the window.
INT. COMPUTER CORE
The clock on the time bomb TICKS down.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(looking at wristwatch)
Are you afraid?
ELAINE
Not when I'm with you, Ted.
TED
I guess you'd have to be a fool not to be
afraid at a time like this.
INT. CABIN
Mrs. Gooch sucks on her cushion -- she's totally zonked on
acid.
MAN NEXT TO HER
Are you afraid?
MRS. GOOCH
(looking at her hands)
Are these my hands?
FATHER O'FLANAGAN
(to Stella)
Are you afraid?
STELLA
I'm a nurse. I can't afford to be afraid,
Father.
ANOTHER AREA
JIMMY
(to Scraps)
Are you afraid, Scraps?
SCRAPS
(he BARKS once, subtitle
translate)
Now when there's a guy like Ted Striker up
there, Jimmy.
(he BARKS one more time --
subtitles)
Now how about a little scratch on the
inner thigh?
INT. COCKPIT
Testa stands over Ted with a clipboard.
TESTA
Fifty-six percent of the passengers are
afraid. Twenty-nine percent are not
afraid. Eight percent are undecided and
seven percent think Israel should give
back Finland.
TED
You better strap yourself in, Testa.
(on radio)
Mission control, this is Mayflower. Over.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Go ahead, Striker.
TED
(on radio)
We've got about 60 seconds before that
thing blows. We're set to reprogram for
Mercury at zero point five WORP.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROKSY
(on radio)
Zero point five WORP?!
STRIKER (V.O.)
That's right. When the bomb explodes
we're going to have a ten foot hole in the
fuselage and I want to get there as fast
as I can. I know what this snip can do,
McCrosky.
McCROKSY
(to Controllers)
No one's ever travelled at that speed
before.
JACOBS
Last spring we did Europe in nine days.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It careens towards the sun.
INT. COMPUTER CORE
Bomb clock TICKS down.
INT. CABIN
Mary instructs Passengers.
MARY
Heads between the knees!
(looking down aisle)
Between your own knees, Father!
O'Flanagan looks around guiltily.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCrosky addresses his troops.
McCROSKY
I don't find it easy to talk at a time
like this, but I want to say something
about that guy up there. I can sum it all
up in one word -- courage, dedication,
spirit, pride, selflessness, and g-u-t-s,
guts. Striker's got more guts in his
little finger than most of us have in our
large intestine. He's got guts up to his
eyeballs, guts coming out of his ears.
Controllers start playing cards, doing needlepoint.
McCROSKY
Sure it's a cliche but great shortstops
are born, not made, and a clown is funny
in the circus but when he gets on the
highway, he's murder. It bugged me too
when Mr. Ed refused to talk when the
neighbors came over but...
INT. COMPUTER CORE
The bomb TICKS down and BLOWS.
INT. COCKPIT
The ship shakes violently. Ted fights for control.
INSERT - SPEEDOMETER SLOWS
BACK TO SCENE
SFX: ENGINE WHINE SUBSIDES.
The ship starts bumping as if it's hit a rough road.
TED
(on radio)
We've blown the computer!
(to Elaine)
Elaine! Set course change!
ELAINE
(flips a switch)
Set!
TED
Now!
ELAINE
(pushes a button)
Compute!
"Compute" sign flashes.
Ted pulls an acceleration lever.
TED
Here goes.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It slows to a halt.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted pulls the lever hard toward himself. The ship shudders.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
The ship slingshots in the opposite direction, disappearing
into the void leaving a trail of light.
INT. COCKPIT
INSERT - PANEL LIGHT, "0.5 WORP"
BACK TO SCENE
TED
(on radio)
Point five WORP!
INT. MISSION CONTROL
PAN Controllers looking intently into the night sky. PAN to
Mrs. Salucci intently gripping her vibrator -- it's on. PAN
to Jacobs reading VARIETY -- headline: "PARAMOUNT ANNOUNCES
SHUTTLE DISASTER PIC!"
McCROSKY
Zero point five WORP, that's half the
speed of light. We really have no idea
what can happen to the human body at that
speed.
INT. CABIN
Two Passengers (contortionists) with legs up over their
shoulders and looking out over their rear ends, play cards.
INT. COCKPIT
The interior vibrates. A psychedelic blaze of multi-colored
light illuminates the interior. Ted struggles with the
controls.
McCROSKY (V.O.)
Striker, we're monitoring you. You're
right on course. At that speed you should
hit Mercury in about six minutes. So give
yourself enough time to kill those WORP
engines.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
McCROSKY
(on radio)
We'll be out of radio range in a few
seconds. I'm going to put you in contact
with Mercury Base Alpha Beta for your
final descent. Over.
(off mike)
Stinson, who's in command of Alpha Beta?
STINSON
Al Hammil?
CONTROLLER 3
Not anymore. It's Rex Kramer, now.
McCROSKY
Not Rex Kramer!
CONTROLLER 3
No, Rex Kramer.
EXT. MERCURY - NIGHT
We see the Alpha Beta base in distance with an ALPHA BETA
neon sign flashing.
SFX: WAILING SUBMARINE SIREN.
SUPER: MERCURY BASE, ALPHA BETA
INT. ALPHA BETA BASE - CORRIDOR
SFX: WAILING SUBMARINE SIREN.
Four uniformed officers race to their posts around a corner
and collide with four others racing around the corner from
the other direction.
INT. ELEVATOR - ALPHA BETA BASE
REX KRAMER watches the floors flash by on the panel above
the door.
INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 1 - POWER STATION"
O.S. we hear a DOG GROWLING and fighting with something.
CLOSEUP OF KRAMER
KRAMER
I know this guy, Ted Striker. I flew with
him during the war. He was a crack pilot
but he didn't have it in the crunch...
That is...
INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 3 - LIVING QUARTERS"
BACK TO SCENE
KRAMER
Until that day over Chicago. He brought
that busted up 767 out of that storm like
a paper glider coming outta the baby blue.
INSERT - FLOOR LIGHT, "LEVEL 5 - WOMEN'S SHOES, BEDDING,
APPLIANCES". "LEVEL 6 - DESIGNER JEANS".
BACK TO SCENE
KRAMER
But flying that shuttle is a whole
different ballgame.
The elevator doors open. Kramer steps out into the
communications room.
SFX: SUBMARINE SIREN WAILS.
PAN down to floor of elevator to find a young officer --
Carey -- torn to shreds and fighting off Kramer's golden
retriever dog. The doors close. Kramer approaches an
OFFICER.
KRAMER
What's the latest, Lieutenant?
OFFICER
They'll hit our atmosphere in about three
minutes, if they hold together. They've
lost their computer and are coming in at
zero point five WORP on manual control,
sir.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted shifts a stick shift on the steering column.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
Kramer looks at the big screen.
SFX: SUBMARINE SIREN WAILS.
KRAMER
Down scope!
A submarine periscope drops. Kramer looks for the shuttle.
KRAMER
He'll never bring that thing in on manual,
but I guess Striker's their only hope.
INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF WWII SHIPS
BACK TO SCENE
KRAMER
It's his ship now. He's the top dog.
INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF SHORE LINE FROM WWII FILM
BACK TO SCENE
KRAMER
The big man. The numero uno honcho.
INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF DESERT
BACK TO SCENE
KRAMER
The head cheese.
INSERT - PERISCOPE SHOT OF THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW -- ED WAVES
GOODNIGHT.
BACK TO SCENE
Kramer steps away from the scope. It drops down. A man in
a barber chair is on the other end of the steel column and
comes to rest on the floor.
OFFICER 2
Sir, we have radio contact.
INT. CABIN
Testa talks to the passengers. Psychedelic lights flash.
TESTA
(yelling)
We're travelling at one half the speed of
light. There is nothing to worry about.
However, you might experience some
temporary metabolic changes.
ANGLE ON WOMAN
Her beard grows.
INSERT - CLOSEUP OF SANITARY NAPKIN DISPENSER
A flurry of hands empties it in two seconds.
ANGLE ON TEXAN
He has turned into a Hassidic Rabbi.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted is fighting to maintain control.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Striker, this is Rex Kramer on Alpha Beta.
Do you read me? Over.
Ted and Elaine give startled looks of recognition.
KRAMER (V.O.)
That's right, Ted. Rex Kramer. We've
locked you on track beam. You're going to
have to kill those WORP engines in exactly
thirty seconds. Over.
INT. MISSION CONTROL
Everyone tensely looks out the window into the night sky.
McCROSKY
There's nothing else we can do for those
people out there now, except pray.
The entire room explodes in an up-beat Southern Baptists'
rendition of "HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS".
INT. COCKPIT
KRAMER (V.O.)
Now, Striker! Kill WORP!
Ted pushes his WORP lever forward but it comes off in his
hand.
ELAINE
Ted, the lever!
TED
(on radio)
Kramer, the WORP control handle just came
off in my hand.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Try another handle!
TED
There are no more handles, only switches.
KRAMER (V.O.)
No buttons?!
TED
(looking around madly)
Just switches, lights, and knobs.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
KRAMER
(looking at buttons and levers
on his panel)
I'd give my right arm to get just one of
these buttons or levers up there right
now.
(on radio)
Okay, Striker. You're going to have to
pull that lever panel off.
INT. COCKPIT
TED
(to Elaine)
Screw driver!
She hands him a vodka and orange juice. Ted throws it on
his face. He reaches down and rips the panel off, exposing
all sorts of wires.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Now find a piece of metal and stick it in
there.
Ted looks around for a piece of metal. Elaine pulls a bobby
pin from her hair.
ELAINE
Will this work, Ted?
Her long brown hair falls sexily. She sweeps it back with a
toss of her head. Ted is overwhelmed by her.
TED
Thanks.
(on radio)
I've got something that might work.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNCATIONS ROOM
TED (V.O.)
A bobby pin.
Kramer and Aids exchange a look which questions Ted's
sexuality.
KRAMER
What the hell is a man doing with a...
forget it.
(on radio)
It'll have to do, Striker.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted sticks the bobby pin into the wires. Sparks fly. The
ship starts slowing up.
SFX: THE ENGINE WHINE SUBSIDES.
INSERT - SPEEDOMETER WINDING DOWN
BACK TO SCENE
TED
It's working.
INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
Kramer stands in front of the huge screen. A small ship
appears in the distance coming right at us.
KRAMER
(on radio)
Okay, Striker. We have you on visual.
Just keep her level.
EXT. SHIP - SPACE
It careens towards the planet surface.
INT. COCKPIT
It starts bouncing wildly.
TED
She's coming apart!
INT. CABIN
Passengers scream.
INT. NEWS SET - BUFFALO
The anchorman screams.
SUPER: "EDITORIAL".
INT. NEWS SET - TOKYO
The anchorman screams.
SUPER: "EDITORIAL". (In Russian looking print.)
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - RIO MONTENEGRO
The desk clerk screams.
INT. COCKPIT
KRAMER (V.O.)
Keep her nose up! Don't fight her!
TED
I'm trying but she's fighting me!
A boxing glove springs from the dash punching Ted in the
face.
ELAINE
Ted, that's Alpha Beta!
ANGLE OUT SHIP WINDOW - NIGHT
We see the lights of a small colony on planet surface. The
Alpha Beta neon sign is visible.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
Kramer sits in a large swivel chair -- like Captain Kirk's
on the Enterprise bridge. As he talks, he nonchalantly
swivels so his back is to the huge window. We see the
Mayflower approaching on the screen.
KRAMER
(on radio)
Now, Striker, there are a few things you
have to keep in mind as you get close to
the planet's atmosphere.
ANGLE ON COMMUNCATION ROOM PERSONNEL
They watch in horror as the Mayflower comes shooting at
them.
KRAMER
(on radio)
First and foremost you have to make one
very important decision.
INT. COCKPIT
Elaine looks out the window -- horrified.
ELAINE
Ted! We're not stopping!!
Ted fights the controls.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Is this a landing you're sure you can make
without endangering the lives of your
passengers?
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
ANGLE ON PERSONNEL
They run for cover.
ANGLE ON THE SCREEN
The Mayflower comes right at the screen and crashes through
it. Kramer still has his back to the screen and doesn't
notice what has happened -- the room behind him has been
totally demolished.
KRAMER
(on radio)
Now, once you've made that decision you
have to be very clear about your
responsibility to those people on that
ship.
INT. COCKPIT
The front window is broken. Ted and Elaine are covered in
debris. Elaine's eyes grow wide with terror again.
ELAINE
Ted!
EXT. PLANET SURFACE
A group of scientists stand at a keyboard synthesizer. One
plays the series of notes from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. Suddenly
the Mayflower appears over a hill. They all jump for cover
as it crashes through the synthesizer.
INT. COCKPIT
Ted and Elaine are covered in piano keys.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Their lives, their futures, their goals
and aspirations are in your hands,
Striker.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE
The Mayflower bounces across the surface.
INT. CABIN
Mary maneuvers down the aisle. Passengers are screaming and
being tossed around.
MARY
(to one passenger)
Seat backs up. Thank you.
She looks up and sees feet dangling from the ceiling. A man
has gone right through the ceiling up to his waist.
MARY
(looking up)
Sir, you really must take your seat.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNCATIONS ROOM
KRAMER
(on radio)
We're all with you on this one, Striker.
Now get ready to position landing gear,
cut engines, and fire your retrorockets.
EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAWN
The Mayflower careens to a smoking, crunching, shattering
stop.
INT. CABIN
Mary and Testa start directing panic-striken passengers to
the exits.
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
KRAMER
(on radio)
Timing's of the essence on a lame duck
approach, Striker. Don't fight her. Hold
her steady. Nose up.
EXT. SHIP ON A HILL - DAWN
Ted and Elaine stand looking down on the wreckage. In b.g.,
SIRENS WAIL, emergency lights flash across Ted and Elaine.
VOICES (O.S.)
You'll be all right! Everyone's going to
be okay!
Ted holds Elaine.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Don't fight her, Striker. Hold her! Hold
her! Stay with her, Striker!
Ted and Elaine kiss.
KRAMER (V.O.)
Now, hit your landing gear and cut those
engines!
INT. ALPHA BETA COMMUNICATIONS ROOM
KRAMER
(on radio)
Timing's everything, Striker! Fire your
retro-rockets!
EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAWN
Ted and Elaine walk off into the distance.
SFX: SIRENS FROM CRASH AREA IN DISTANCE.
KRAMER (V.O.)
(voice fading)
Now give her full flap and keep that nose
up. Okay, now!
ELAINE
Ted, what's going to happen to us?
Ted stops and looks into the distant, dark sky. A printed
crawl begins:
MUSIC: OPTIMISTIC THEME
CRAWL
FAR, FAR AWAY IN THE DEEPEST REGIONS OF
OUR VAST SOLAR SYSTEM, A SMALL, BRAVE
GROUP OF PIONEERS EMBARK ON A BOLD NEW
ADVENTURE. THEIR MISSION: TO OPEN UP A
NEW FRONTIER. THEIR GOAL, TO BUILD A
BRAVE NEW WORLD.
Ted and Elaine walk towards crawl and are approached by two
strange CREATURES -- bald with a shock of hair sprouting
from the top of their heads.
CREATURE
Hello, we'd like you to have this flower.
We're with the Church of Mercurial
Consciousness. Would you like to make a
donation?
THE END
| Airplane 2: The Sequel
Writers : Ken Finkleman
Genres : Comedy Sci-Fi
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