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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


Beavis and Butt-Head Do America - by Mike Judge and Joe Stillman




	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	
	"BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA"
	
	by
	
	Mike Judge and Joe Stillman
	
	
	
	
		The movie begins with scenes of people screaming in horror 
	and running down the streets of a big city. The ground shakes from 
	what seems like giant footsteps. There are pieces of building 
	debris falling everywhere, people getting crushed, power lines 
	coming down, etc. - complete pandemonium. It all looks very much 
	like a Japanese animated King-Kong or Godzilla movie. We hear the 
	footsteps getting closer and the ground shaking becomes more 
	intense - more debris falling. Then we see a HUGE BLACK TENNIS 
	SHOE come into frame and smash a National Guard truck. As we pan 
	up, we see the white socks, then the red shorts, the AC/DC T-
	shirt, then we hear the familiar, "Huh huh huh." - only it's a 
	huge sound...this is a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT TALL BUTT-HEAD. "Butt-
	Kong" continues his path of destruction - stomping on cars and 
	buildings and saying, "This is cool. Huh huh huh."
		Airplanes and tanks start firing at Butt-Head (Butt-Kong). 
	He looks irritated and says, "Cut it out butt-munch!" Butt-Head 
	swats at the planes, sending them crashing to the ground and 
	stomps on the tanks. Then, something catches his eye. Butt-Head 
	reaches into a skyscraper and picks up a nice looking woman - a 
	lot like the one from the King Kong movie. He looks down at her in 
	his hand and goes wide-eyed, "Whoa! Huh huh huh." The woman 
	screams in terror as Butt-Head looks down at her and tries a few 
	lame pick up lines. "Uuuuh...Hey baby. I'm like, pretty tall. Huh 
	huh huh." He swats down a helicopter that is circling his head, 
	"Dammit, I'm trying to score!" The helicopter goes down in flames. 
	We CUT TO some guys sitting on a tank firing at him. They notice 
	giant footsteps coming from the other direction and turn the tank 
	around. Through their binoculars we see a THREE-HUNDRED FOOT 
	BEAVIS coming from the horizon. The giant Beavis is even more 
	destructive than Butt-Kong (maybe he could be breathing fire). 
	Beavis starts trying to pick up on Butt-Head's woman. Butt-Head 
	puts the woman down and he and Beavis begin to go at it, leveling 
	the city with one of their stupid juvenile smack-fights.
		We CROSS-DISSOLVE from three-hundred foot Beavis shaking 
	Butt-Kong to Butt-Head asleep on the couch with Beavis shaking 
	him.
	
	
	INT.  B&B'S HOME - DAY
	
	
					BEAVIS (O.C.)
			Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Hey, Butt-Head!
	
	Butt-Head is dead asleep on the couch. Beavis shakes him.
	
					BEAVIS
			Butt-Head, wake up, wake up!
	
	Butt-Head comes around.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Dammit, Beavis, I was about to score.
			Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, but check it out. It's gone!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			What's gone?
	
					BEAVIS
			The TV.
	
	Beavis is making STRANGE NOISES, in a state of shock.
	
	Butt-Head rubs his eyes and looks at the empty space where the TV 
	was.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uuuuuuh, huh huh. Uuh,...
	
	Out the window, we see two YOUNG MEN carrying B&B's TV into their 
	van.
	
	Still on the couch, Butt-Head looks over at the broken window. We 
	see a CROWBAR lying on the floor, and the front door left open.
	
	Butt-Head looks at the BROKEN WINDOW, at the CROWBAR, the OPEN 
	DOOR, then back at the EMPTY SPACE where the TV was. He does this 
	a couple of times - piecing it all together.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			Whoa! I think I just figured something
			out Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS
			What?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This sucks.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh.
	
	Beavis is still in shock. They both stare at the empty space where 
	the TV was for a beat, not quite sure what to do.
	
	Beavis is SHAKING AND MAKING WEIRD NOISES. He presses buttons on 
	the remote a few times, as if it might help somehow.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This sucks more than anything that
			has ever sucked before. We must find
			this butt-hole that took the TV.
	
	
	EXT.  CITY STREET - NIGHT
	
	Bad neighborhood. 70's music blares.
	
	A fast driving car drives right at us and stops. Punks run in 
	fear. Beavis hops out of the driver's seat, wearing bell-bottoms, 
	chain jewelry and a 70's afro. Into a dramatic CLOSE-UP, he takes 
	off his glasses.
	
	FREEZE ON BEAVIS
	
					ANNOUNCER
			Beavis!
	
	FRAME UNFREEZES. Beavis whips out a huge gun.
	
					BEAVIS
			Freeze, butt-wipe!
	
	An attacker comes from one side. Beavis uses Judo. Another tosses 
	a knife. Beavis ducks, then shoots with two hands, police style.
	
	
	INT.  BEDROOM - NIGHT
	
	Swinger's pad. Totally 70's. A group of bikini'd girls on a 
	waterbed. Butt-Head approaches them. He wears a leisure suit, 
	collar way open. He plops down in the bed.
	
	FREEZE ON BUTT-HEAD
	
					ANNOUNCER
			Butt-Head!
	
	FRAME UNFREEZES. The girls wrap their arms around him.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. Come to Butt-Head, baby.
	
					ANNOUNCER
			Star in...
	
	
	MAIN TITLE - FULL FRAME
	
	
	EXT.  CITY STREETS - DAY/NIGHT
	
	ACTION MONTAGE BEGINS. Styled like a 70's cop show opening.
	
	OPENING CREDITS to the movie appear just as cop show credits 
	would.
	
	Beavis does a Starsky and Hutch-style roll with a gun.
	
	Butt-Head slaps a pimp.
	
	Beavis drives, chasing a car.
	
	Butt-Head is slapped by a girl.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
	Beavis and Butt-Head are in a warehouse shoot-out.
	
	A black police chief rises from a desk to yell at B&B.
	
	B&B dive for cover just before a building explodes.
	
	In CLOSE-UP, Beavis smiles for an ID shot.
	
	Butt-Head does the same.
	
	Beavis, in a rooftop fight, kicks his opponent over the edge.
	
	A beautiful woman, back to us, takes off her dress for Butt-Head. 
	FINAL OPENING CREDIT APPEARS. Butt-Head and the woman fall into 
	bed. Suddenly...
	
	
	INT.  SCHOOL HALLWAY/DOOR TO A.V. ROOM - DAY
	
	From inside, SOUND of equipment crashing.
	
	B&B come out wheeling a TV on one of those carts. There are cables 
	attached to it still leading back into the A.V. room. As they push 
	the cart we hear more equipment falling.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Dammit, it's stuck.
	
	They give it one big push and it finally breaks free. We see that 
	the cables are tangled with cables from other TVs and VCRs, which 
	all come crashing to the ground.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. Let's just wheel this
			thing back to the house.
	
	
	INT.  SCHOOL/ANOTHER HALLWAY - DAY
	
	MR. VAN DRIESSEN stops B&B.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			Ah, excuse me boys. What's going on
			here?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, someone stole our TV.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.
			Get outta the way. Heh heh.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school.
			Mmmkay? You know, this could be a positive
			experience for you guys. There's a
			wonderful world out there when we discover
			we don't need TV to entertain us.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. He said "anus."
	
					BEAVIS
					(to himself)
			Entert-ain...us...an-us...Oh yeah! Heh 
			heh. Anus. Heh heh.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
					(frustrated)
			Have you guys heard a word I've said?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Yeah, "anus." Huh huh huh huh.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			Look, guys, just take the TV back to the
			A.V. room right now. And try to be a little
			more open-minded. Mmkay?
	
	Van Driessen leaves. B&B continue to wheel the cart home.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			What a dork. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. He's a anus. Heh heh.
	
	
	EXT.  SCHOOL/STAIRWAY - DAY
	
	B&B arrive with the cart at the top of a stairway. They lamely 
	attempt to let it slowly down the steps. The cart is too top-heavy 
	and goes tumbling to the bottom of the stairs, shattering the TV.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
					BEAVIS
			No it wasn't!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh,...Oh yeah.
	
	B&B stand at the top of the stairs looking down at the wrreckage. 
	PRINCIPAL McVICKER shows up by the TV.
	
					McVICKER
			Why.... You... You bastards... Ge...
			get out! You're suspended. One more
			screw up... and you're expelled.
	
	B&B walk off laughing.
	
	
	EXT.  THE ANDERSON'S DRIVEWAY - DUSK
	
	B&B walk up. There's a camper in the driveway.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, check it out Beavis. I didn't
			know Anderson had a Camper.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. Maybe it has a TV.
			Heh heh. TV.
	
	B&B walk up to the camper and start to open the door just as MARCY 
	ANDERSON opens it. (As usual, she doesn't recognize them.)
	
					MARCY
			Oh, hello. Are you guys here to look
			at the refrigerator?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, no.
	
					BEAVIS
			We're here to look at the TV. Heh heh.
	
					MARCY
			Oh, I didn't realize it was broken.
			Come on in.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool. Huh huh huh.
	
	B&B walk into the camper. Marcy stays outside.
	
	
	EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - SAME TIME
	
	Tom is adjusting the trailer-hitch. Marcy watches.
	
					TOM
			Well that oughtta hold her. Ya know,
			the most important thing you can have
			on a camper is a good propane regulator,
			and this here's the best one they make.
	
					MARCY
			I sure hope we can get the 'fridge fixed
			before we leave.
	
					TOM
			Now Marcy, we've been savin' for this trip
			our whole lives and we're gonna go come
			Hell or high water...
	
	Through the camper walls, we hear the faint sound of B&B 
	AIR/MOUTH-GUITARING "IRON MAN."
	
					TOM (CONT.)
			What the hell is that noise?
	
	
	INT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
	
	B&B watch a "Cops"-type show. Beavis gets up, goes to the 
	refrigerator and grabs a soda. The refrigerator is under the 
	counter on which the TV is sitting.
	
	Beavis takes a sip and then does a SPIT TAKE, SPRAYING SODA ALL 
	OVER THE TOP OF THE TV.
	
					BEAVIS
			AAAAAAGH!!! This crap is warm!
	
	ANGLE ON TV: The soda Beavis spit out drips into the inside of the 
	TV. We see smoke and hear SIZZLING AND SHORT CIRCUIT SFX. The TV 
	goes dead.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Beavis, you butt-hole! You broke it.
	
	
	EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DUSK
	
	B&B come out. Tom notices them.		
	
					TOM
			Hey, what's goin' on here?
	
					MARCY
			They're here to fix the TV, Tom.
	
					TOM
			The TV ain't broken.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Yeah it is. Huh huh huh.
	
	Tom adjusts his glasses as he looks at B&B.
	
	TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see B&B out of focus.
	
					TOM
			Hey wait a minute. You two look kinda
			familiar. Ain't you them kids that've
			been whackin' off in my tool shed?
	
					BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS: looking particularly guilty, eyes shifting back 
	and forth.
	
	B&B walk off, leaving Tom wondering.
	
	
	EXT.  STREET IN A SEEDY PART OF TOWN - JUST BEFORE DAWN
	
	B&B are having TV withdrawal. Butt-Head is bug-eyed. Beavis has 
	the shakes bad, arms folded like Dustin Hoffman in "Midnight 
	Cowboy."
	
					BEAVIS
			Nnnnooo. Oooooh nooooo.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			What's your problem Beavis?
	
					BEAVIS
			I need TV now! Now! NNNNDAMMIT!!!
	
	Butt-Head stops short. He looks up. His face is bathed in a 
	golden, throbbing light.
	
	BUTT-HEAD'S P.O.V.: We see a flashing neon sign that says, "TV". 
	Pull back to show B&B are standing outside the Elite Motel Lodge, 
	featuring "Color TV" and "Air-Cooled Rooms", with "Special Nap 
	Rates."
	
	B&B stare up, as if at a god.
	
					BEAVIS
					(crazed)
			Heh heh. TV. Heh Teee Veee.
	
	
	EXT.  MOTEL COURT - CONTINUOUS
	
	Butt-Head tries the first door. It's locked. He tries the second 
	door. It's locked. He tries the third door. It opens.
	
	B&B's eyes bulge. Inside, PRINCIPAL McVICKER is lying across the 
	legs of an obvious prostitute, his pants pulled down. She SPANKS 
	him.
	
					McVICKER
			Please mmm... may I have another?!
	
	B&B LAUGH. McVicker hears and looks up.
	
					McVICKER (CONT.)
			Beavis and Butt-Head! Y...y...you
			bastards.
	
					BEAVIS
			Can we watch your TV?
	
					McVICKER
			Y... Y... You're expelled! Get out!
	
	Butt-Head closes the door, laughing, and starts to walk towards 
	the next door. The muffled sound of a SPANK can be heard followed 
	by McVicker asking for another.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
					BEAVIS
			Dammit! I need a TV now! We're missing
			everything!
	
	
	INT.  MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
	
	The only light in the room is a flickering TV. Sitting on the bed, 
	talking on the phone is MUDDY. He's a tough, mean looking red-neck 
	- a Jack Ruby type.
	
	On the nightstand next to him is a three-quarter drunk bottle of 
	bourbon and a manila envelope. On his lap is a big gun.
	
					MUDDY
			...Are you sure these guys can pull this
			off? It's gotta look like an accident...
	
	We hear a knock on the door and muffled B&B laughs.
	
					MUDDY (CONT.)
			Hold on a minute. That must be them now.
			I'll call you back. (Hangs up phone)...
			Come in!
	
	B&B walk in. Muddy turns on the light.
	
					BEAVIS
					(sounding suddenly sedated)
			Aaaah. TeeeVeeeee, heh heh.
	
					MUDDY
			Yer late.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Why? Did we miss American Gladiators?
	
	MUDDY'S P.O.V.: B&B are a drunken blur.
	
					MUDDY
			Well, Earl said you guys were young, but
			jeez... Oh well, as long as you can get
			the job done. So what are your names?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, Butt-Head.
	
					BEAVIS
			Beavis.
	
					MUDDY
			That's alright. I'd rather not know your
			real names anyways. I'm Muddy. Look, I'm
			gonna get right to the point. I'll pay you
			ten grand plus expenses, all payable after
			you do her...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(full of innuendo)
			Do her? Huh huh.
	
					MUDDY
			That's right. I'm offering you ten grand
			plus expenses to do my wife. We gotta deal?
	
	Butt-Head stares in shock.
	
					BEAVIS
			Actually, we just wanna watch TV...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Shut up Beavis! Uh, yeah. We'll do your
			wife.
	
					BEAVIS
					(trembling)
			Nnnnaah...We need to watch TV DAMMIT!!!
	
	Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis and pulls him aside.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Beavis, you butt-munch, this guy wants us
			to score with his wife. And he's gonna pay
			us. We can buy a new TV.
	
					BEAVIS
			Oh, heh heh really? Cool. Heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(to Muddy)
			Uh, huh huh... We'll do it, sir.
	
					MUDDY
			Okay, then let's get down to business.
	
	ANGLE ON THE BED. Muddy slaps down a picture of DALLAS, his wife. 
	Leather clad, biker, beautiful.
	
					MUDDY (CONT.)
			Here she is. Her name's Dallas. She ain't
			as sweet as she looks. She stole everything
			from me. Ya gotta watch out, 'cause she'll
			do you twice as fast as you'd do her.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, huh huh. Cool.
	
	Muddy plunks down PLANE TICKETS.
	
					MUDDY
			She's holed up in a hotel room in Las
			Veags. Your flight leaves in a couple of
			hours. Now c'mon, I'll drive you to the
			airport.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Holed up. Huh huh huh. Holed.
	
					BEAVIS
			Can we watch some TV first?
	
	Muddy picks up the gun and SHOOTS the TV.
	
					MUDDY
			No.
	
	
	EXT.  CITY STREETS - MORNING
	
	Muddy driving his loud four-by-four like a maniac, drunk with 
	bloodshot eyes. B&B are in the back seat. He eyes them through the 
	rearview. Meanwhile, a cat bounces off the windshield with a 
	SHRIEK.
	
					MUDDY
			One more thing. Mah wife's got this
			leather satchel. It's black, about this
			big. I need ya to bring it back. It's
			real important. Sentimental value... Any
			questions so far?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, yeah. Does she have big hooters?
	
					MUDDY
			She sure does.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This is gonna be cool! Huh huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. Boooooiiiing!!!
	
					MUDDY
			Just make sure it looks like an 
			accident...
	
					BEAVIS
					(spastic)
			Yeah, heh heh. I think I just had an
			accident. Heh heh hmm heh hmm heh.
	
					MUDDY
			Huh huh. You guys are funny. Let's have
			a drink on it.
	
	Muddy swigs the last swallow from his bottle of bourbon.
	
	
	EXT.  AIRPORT - EARLY MORNING
	
	In an overhead view, the four-by-four screeches up to the gate, 
	fishtails to a stop, throwing B&B onto the sidewalk, and peels 
	away.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			We're gonna get paid to score.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh, and then we're gonna
			get a big-screen TV! Heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Beavis, this is the greatest day of
			our lives. Huh huh huh.
	
	
	INT.  AIRPLANE - DAY
	
	B&B enter the plane. They sit down in the first two seats on the 
	right - in First Class. A flight attendant, DOLORIS approaches 
	them.
	
					DOLORIS
			Hi. Can I help you find your seats?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uuh, nah. These seats are OK.
	
					DOLORIS
			I think your tickets have you seated
			in row fourteen, coach. So why don't
			you just go ahead and move back, OK?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			That's OK. Someone else can have those.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, it's not that important to me,
			really. Those seats are too small anyways.
	
	Doloris yanks them out of their seats and leads them down the 
	aisle.
	
	ANGLE DOWN AISLE in coach. Doloris stops by a row where an elderly 
	woman, MARTHA, sits by the window. Next to her: Two empty seats.
	
					DOLORIS
			Here you are.
	
	She gestures to the seats and leaves. Beavis climbs in the middle, 
	Butt-Head in the aisle - still watching Doloris.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Hey Beavis. When she was leading us down
			here, huh huh, she touched my butt. Huh
			huh huh.
	
	Martha, her senses a bit dimmed from age, turns to B&B.
	
					MARTHA
			Hello there. Are you two heading for Las
			Vegas?
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, we're gonna score.
	
					MARTHA
			I hope to score big there myself. I'm
			mostly going to be doing the slots.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, I'm hoping to do some sluts too. 
			Heh heh. Do they have lots of sluts in
			Las Vegas?
	
					MARTHA
			Oh, there are so many slots you won't
			know where to begin.
	
					BEAVIS
			Whoa! heh heh. Hey Butt-Head, this chick
			is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be
			tons of sluts in Las Vegas! Heh heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool. Huh huh huh.
	
					MARTHA
			It's so nice to meet young men who are so
			well mannered.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. I'm gonna have money, and a
			big-screen TV and sluts everywhere!
	
					MARTHA
			Oh, that's nice.
	
					CAPTAIN'S VOICE (V.O.)
					(through P.A.)
			Good morning. This is your captain
			speaking. Welcome aboard flight 151
			non-stop to Las Vegas. We ask that you
			turn your attention to the front of the
			cabin for pre-flight safety instructions.
	
	B&B see Doloris, stepping nearby to demonstrate the seat belt.
	
					ATTENDANT'S VOICE
			To fasten your seat belt, insert the free
			end into the coupling.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Insert. Huh huh huh.
	
	Doloris demonstrates. B&B are dumbfounded. It's too complicated.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			Uh...
	
	They struggle to make their seat belts fit, getting each other's 
	parts.
	
					TAMMY (O.C.)
			Hi, I'm Tammy? Can I help you with that?
	
	Butt-Head looks up.
	
	From his P.O.V. we see a beautiful woman, TAMMY, smiling, her 
	hands reaching down. FALLING IN LOVE/HARP MUSIC STING plays.
	
	CLOSE on Butt-Head's lap as two female hands reach down and pull 
	one strap from between Butt-Head's legs.
	
	Butt-Head looks down at his lap as Tammy leans over him. A loud 
	CLICKING can be heard. Butt-Head stares blankly.
	
					TAMMY (CONT.)
			There you go. You're all set.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(stunned)
			I love you.
	
	Suddenly Martha buckles Beavis' belt. Tammy goes.
	
					BEAVIS
			Wait, I wanted her to do it.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. Soon, she will be mine.
	
					CAPTAIN'S VOICE
			Flight attendants, please prepare for
			take-off.
	
	The engines start to hum. The plane is rolling.
	
	Butt-Head struggles to get his seat belt off. He does everything 
	but pull the handle. Beavis goes white with fear.
	
	The plane starts to shake. The engines rumble. Beavis starts to 
	freak.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey wait a minute. What's going on?!
	
	Butt-Head bangs away at his seat belt. Beavis looks out the window 
	and realizes they're in the air.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
					(screams)
			Aaaagh! We're gonna die!!!!!
	
	ANGLE ON COUPLE IN FRONT OF B&B:
	
					MAN
			D'ya hear that? Something must be wrong!
	
					WOMAN
			Oh my God!!!!!!!
	
	ANGLE ON CABIN, people start screaming. The plane quakes, lifting 
	up.
	
	ON BUTT-HEAD, furiously pulling:
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Dammit! Huh huh. That chick wants me.
	
					BEAVIS
			Aggghg! We're gonna die! We're all
			gonna die!
	
	The plane arcs upward. Butt-Head finally gets the belt off as the 
	plane is in full thrust. He rises and goes tumbling backward down 
	the aisle.
	
	ON PEOPLE seeing Butt-Head flying, screaming in panic.
	
	In free fall:
	
	Butt-Head grabs the door to the hangable luggage. It all comes 
	tearing out.
	
	Butt-Head flies up, hitting several overhead luggage racks, which 
	open and spill their contents.
	
	Butt-Head lands in the galley, causing food to go flying and 
	coffee to pour freely.
	
	ON THE CABIN as the plane starts to level out. People stop their 
	screaming.
	
	ON BUTT-HEAD, underneath the rubble, poking his head out. He's 
	directly across from the flight attendant station where Tammy is 
	strapped in.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh... could you, like, do that
			thing with my belt again?
	
	
	INT.  PLANE - LATER
	
	All's in order. Flight attendants roll the beverage cart up the 
	aisle. People read, relaxed.
	
	ON BEAVIS AND MARTHA. Martha is showing pictures of her 
	grandchildren. Beavis is showing the picture of Dallas that Muddy 
	gave him.
	
					BEAVIS
			I'm probably going to make out with her
			first before we, you know, get down...
	
					MARTHA
			You'll have to speak up son. I have this
			ringing in my ears. My doctor says it
			could be related to my heart
			palpitations. I've had two operations on
			my heart.
	
					BEAVIS
			Really? I poop too much.
	
					MARTHA
			Oh, maybe you're lactose intolerant.
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh... No, (louder) I poop too much. Then
			I get tired.
	
					MARTHA
			Well, if you find yourself getting tired,
			take a couple of these.
	
	She hands him a box of NoDrowz.
	
					MARTHA (CONT.)
			They perk me right up.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh, thanks.
	
	He pours the contents into his hand and chews them like candy. 
	Then his eyes open wide.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
					(strange)
			Uh, tastes like crap. Heh heh. Mmmmm.
	
	Beavis starts wolfing them down.
	
	
	INT.  PLANE - A BIT LATER
	
	Tammy passes out meals from a rolling cart. She works with 
	Doloris. Butt-head stands behind Tammy, attempting to hit on her.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(to Tammy)
			So, uh huh huh, are you going to Las
			Vegas? Huh huh huh.
	
	Tammy ignores him and moves on, leaving Butt-Head there.
	
	ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, looking down at something.
	
	PAN DOWN to reveal he's looking at a BEER on a fat guy's tray. The 
	guy's asleep.
	
	Butt-head picks up the beer.
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS, nearby. The NoDrowz is starting to take effect. 
	Beavis starts shaking, babbling, staring cross-eyed at his fist, 
	etc. (pre-Cornholio stuff)
	
	Tammy reaches her next passenger.
	
					TAMMY
			Hi, we're serving dinner. Our selections
			tonight are chicken piccata or seafood
			gumbo...
	
					BEAVIS (O.S.)
			Piccata? Piccata! Picattatta tatta!
	
	Tammy moves forward, leaving Butt-Head standing there. In the 
	background, we see Beavis starting to quake, on the verge of 
	Cornholio mode.
	
					PASSENGER
			Does the gumbo have corn in it?
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS: Turned, facing the cabin, T-shirt pulled over his 
	head in full Cornholio mode.
	
					BEAVIS
			I am Cornholio! I need picatta for
			my bunghole!
	
					TAMMY
			You'll have to wait your turn sir.
	
					BEAVIS
			Are you threatening me? My bunghole
			will not wait!
	
	Beavis starts to wander down the aisle.
	
	ANGLE ON CURTAIN TO FIRST CLASS CABIN. Beavis enters. From the 
	other side, SOUND of screams. We hear several CALL BUTTONS being 
	pressed.
	
	ON BUTT-HEAD. He approaches Tammy from behind. She ignores him.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, I got a beer. Want some? Huh huh.
	
	ANGLE INSIDE THE COCKPIT.
	
	The PILOTS are relaxed and settled in when the door to the cockpit 
	slams open. Beavis is in the doorway SCREAMING.
	
					BEAVIS
			Bargarajjjaaaahhh!!! I am Cornholio!!
	
	The pilots SCREAM. The copilot jumps up so fast he causes coffee 
	to spill everywhere, including on the captain's lap. The captain 
	then jumps up, hitting the controls and SENDING THE PLANE INTO A 
	NOSE-DIVE.
	
	ON BUTT-HEAD
	
	In the back of the plane standing next to Tammy. He starts to take 
	a sip of beer. The nose-dive of the plane causes Butt-Head to go 
	FLYING TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			AAAAAHHH!!! Huh huh. AAAAHHH!!!
	
	Butt-Head bounces all overthe plane and then gets tangled up in 
	the curtain that separates first class and coach. It tears off, 
	and he continues to fly forward.
	
	COCKPIT
	
	The captain is desperately trying to regain control of the plane.
	
	Butt-Head slams into the cockpit, landing on the control panel 
	facing the captain.
	
					CAPTAIN
			Get the hell out of the cockpit!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh, you said...
	
					CAPTAIN
			NOW!!!
	
	The captain throws Butt-Head back behind him and pulls the plane 
	out of the dive.
	
	
	EXT.  LAS VEGAS AIRPORT - EARLY EVENING
	
	The plane lands.
	
	
	INT.  COCKPIT DOOR - EARLY EVENING
	
	The flight attendants, shaken, smile at a line of people 
	deplaning. The people are white with fear, some covered with 
	flecks of spilled food and other matter.
	
					ATTENDANTS
			Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
	
	They grow silent and still as B&B pass by. Beavis takes the T-
	shirt off his head, coming down from Cornholio.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
	
	INT.  TERMINAL/ARRIVAL GATE - DAY
	
	Arriving passengers are greeted. A family is reunited. Two 
	businessmen walk up to limo drivers holding cards with their 
	names. A reunited couple hugs.
	
	B&B look around in confusion.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh, this is Las Vegas?
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. I thought there'd be
			casinos and lights and stuff.
	
	People greet and walk away. The place starts to clear out.
	
	One limo driver is left standing. He wears sunglasses and holds a 
	sign that reads: Beavis and Butt-Head.
	
	B&B look around. Except for the driver, they're alone.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Hey Butt-Head, why's that guy holding
			a sign?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... maybe he's blind... Huh huh, check
			this out.
	
	B&B go up to him. Butt-Head turns around, drops his pants and 
	hangs a "B.A." at the guy.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					DRIVER
			Ah, excuse me. You wouldn't know where
			I can find these guys, would ya?
	
	He indicates the sign. Butt-Head turns around and pulls up his 
	pants. They look and try to read:
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(reads)
			Uh, B...A...U... No, uh, V...
	
					BEAVIS
					(reads)
			Uh... Buuuuut. Boot. Someone named boot.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(realizes)
			Huh huh. This says Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS
			And Boot-Head.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			That's Butt-Head. Don't you get it,
			Beavis. These dudes have the same name as
			us.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, we should party.
	
	The limo driver rolls his eyes and walks away.
	
					DRIVER
			This way, sirs.
	
	B&B follow the driver away. Beavis looks around.
	
					BEAVIS
			So where's those guys?
	
	
	EXT.  MUDDY'S MOTEL ROOM - DAY
	
	HARLAN and ROSS, the two dumb-looking rough-necks that stole B&B's 
	TV are standing outside Muddy's motel room. Harlan knocks on the 
	door.
	
					ROSS
			Where the hell is he?
	
					HARLAN
			You sure this is the right place?
	
	Harlan looks through the window and sees the shattered TV. No 
	one's there.
	
	Muddy's four-by-four SQUEALS into the lot and skids to a stop next 
	to Harlan and Ross' van. Muddy gets out, looking really drunk now.
	
					HARLAN (CONT.)
			You Muddy?
	
					MUDDY
					(slurring)
			You the cops?
	
					ROSS
			Uh, no. Earl sent us. You know, to take
			care of your wife...
	
	Muddy grabs Ross by the collar.
	
					MUDDY
			What the hell?!... What about those other...
	
					ROSS
			Huh?
	
	Muddy tosses Ross to the sidewalk and starts back to they four-by-
	four.
	
					MUDDY
			Dammit!!! She did it to me again!!!
	
					HARLAN
			Hey, I noticed your TV was broken. You
			wanna buy a new one?
	
	Muddy gets in the four-by-four and starts it.
	
					MUDDY
			I'm gonna go to Vegas and kill all
			three a' them!
	
	Harlan and Ross seem momentarily confused.
	
	Muddy revs the engine, peels out backwards HITTING THE FRONT OF 
	THE VAN. This causes B&B's TV and some other loot to spill out the 
	back onto the sidewalk.
	
	Ross starts to pick it up.
	
					HARLAN
			Just leave it. Worthless piece o' crap.
	
					ROSS
			Yeah, really. We gotta start stealin'
			from rich people.
	
	
	EXT.  LAS VEGAS - DAY
	
	MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
	
		Note: I would like this to be a well-known band (Red Hot 
		Chili Peppers) doing their best imitation of a modern Las 
		Vegas lounge act. I think a song like "What Am I Gonna Do 
		With You" by Barry White or something obnoxious like 
		"Bicostal" by Peter Allan would be cool. Or maybe Sinatra's 
		"You Make Me Feel So Young" would be best.
	
	The car passes by major hotels and tourist sights, finally pulling 
	up to a big luxurious hotel and casino.
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
	
	Establishing shots. Excitement. Gambling tables going on forever.
	
	ON THE LOUNGE BAND playing the song we've been hearing. They 
	should vaguely resemble the actual band doing the song.
	
	PAN DOWN rows of slot machines.
	
	PAN ACROSS DEALERS handling cards and chips.
	
	DOLLY RIGHT UP TO B&B, staring in utter awe.
	
	REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS: They're staring at a huge Roman statue of a 
	bare-chested woman.
	
	Their faces are blank. They're seeing God. Finally:
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Beavis. This is what it's all about.
	
					BEAVIS
					(speechless)
			Heh heh. Yeah.
	
	
	EXT.  VEGAS - DUSK
	
	Lights are popping on.
	
	Billboards and signs are lighting up.
	
	The whole strip is coming alive. Pure excitement.
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
	
	ON B&B, still staring at the statue.
	
					B&B
					(in awe)
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	A security guard comes and drags B&B away.
	
	ON THE LOUNGE BAND, continuing the song we've been hearing.
	
	
	INT.  B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
	
	The door is opened by a bellboy.
	
					BELLBOY
			I'm so sorry about that little
			misunderstanding. We didn't know you
			were registered guests. Here's some
			playing chips compliments of...
	
	Beavis rushes in and grabs the remote which is attached to the 
	night table. He tries to pull it up and can't.
	
					BEAVIS
			This remote's too heavy!
	
					BELLBOY
			Sir, it's attached to the...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Here, dumbass! Let me try!
	
	They both struggle to pull it up. Finally, they fall over 
	backwards.
	
	Annoyed, the bellboy leaves.
	
	
	INT.  ELEVATOR BANK/9TH FLOOR - NIGHT
	
	The elevator arrives. B&B get on. There's several sophisticated 
	people. From inside, a computerized FEMALE ELEVATOR VOICE:
	
					ELEVATOR VOICE
			Ninth floor, going down.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Going down. Huh huh huh.
	
	The sophisticated people look repulsed. The doors close.
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
	
	MUSIC DIPS DOWN FOR DIALOGUE. B&B step off the elevator and walk 
	among the gambling tables.
	
	Beavis pulls one of the playing chips out of his pocket and bites 
	into it.
	
					BEAVIS
			Ow! These chips suck.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			What a rip-off. Come on. We gotta find
			that chick.
	
	Beavis tosses the chip on a roulette table.
	
	ANGLE ON THE WHEEL. The ball lands on 13.
	
	At the table, the DEALER...
	
					DEALER
			13. We have a winner. (to Beavis) Sir,
			your chips?
	
					BEAVIS
			I don't want 'em! Keep 'em.
	
					DEALER
			Let it ride!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(to dealer)
			Uh... could you help us find a chick?
	
					DEALER
					(uneasy)
			Sir, the casino does not partake in that
			kind of activity.
	
	The wheel stops.
	
					DEALER (CONT.)
					(amazed)
			13! Winner!
	
	People oooh and aaah. More gather to watch.
	
	Through the gathering throng comes CHERYL, a hooker.
	
					CHERYL
			Excuse me, boys. Did I hear you say 
			you're looking for a date?
	
	B&B freeze, shocked.
	
					CHERYL (CONT.)
			I'm Cheryl, and I can show you a real
			fine time.
	
	B&B don't move. The dealer rolls again.
	
					CHERYL (CONT.)
			A time you'll remember for the rest of
			your lives, if you know what I mean.
	
					DEALER
					(to Beavis)
			Sir, do you want your chips?
	
					BEAVIS
			No, Dammit! I don't want any chips!
	
					DEALER
			Let it ride.
	
	Cheryl puts her hands on their thighs.
	
					CHERYL
			What say we three go up to your room, 
			take off our clothes and just see what
			comes up.
	
	B&B's eyes open wide.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh... Uh...
	
	The wheel stops.
	
					DEALER
			14. No winners.
	
					CHERYL
			Hmmmm. Oh well.
	
	She leaves. People scatter. B&B are left alone. Staring.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That chick was talking
			about doing it.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. This is the best night of our
			lives.
	
	WIDE SHOT. B&B just stand, laughing.
	
	MUSIC FADES BACK UP...
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
	
	ANGLE ON THE BAND, continuing the song.
	
	Tourists watch from tables - decidedly not rocking out.
	
	B&B dance alone near the stage, doing the "butt-knocker."
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL OFFICE - NIGHT
	
	A WOMAN ATTENDANT answers the phone.
	
					WOMAN ATTENDANT
			Good evening. Room service. How may
			I help you?
	
	From the phone...
	
					B&B
					(on phone)
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	The woman's disturbed.
	
					WOMAN ATTENDANT
			Hello... Hello...
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL/CASINO - NIGHT
	
	B&B try to climb up and grab the gigantic boobs of the statue. 
	Butt-Head falls, knocks Beavis off and they both hit the floor 
	hard.
	
	
	INT.  B&B'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
	
	Beavis is on the phone in the main room. Butt-Head sits on the 
	toilet and speaks from the phone in the bathroom.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh, I'd like to be serviced...
			in my room.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL LOUNGE - NIGHT
	
	B&B keep dancing as the famous BAND plays the MONTAGE SONG which 
	ENDS.
	
	
	EXT.  VEGAS - DAWN
	
	Sunrise.
	
	The song rings out.
	
	
	INT.  B&B'S ROOM - MORNING
	
	BEavis is picking up the night table by the remote attached to it 
	and moving the whole thing.
	
	Butt-Head approaches a door next to the bed.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, I wonder where this door goes to.
	
	Beavis comes over to check it out. Butt-Head opens the door. It's 
	one of those double doors to the next room.
	
	Butt-Head tries to open the second door, jiggling it.
	
	Suddenly, the door opens. Someone reaches out and pulls B&B 
	inside. It's DALLAS, the girl Muddy sent them after.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
	
	She has them pinned against the wall. DALLAS is hot, clad in tight 
	leather, tattooed, pierced, sexy.
	
					BEAVIS
					(excited)
			Hey, Butt-Head, it's her! Heh heh.
	
					DALLAS
			All right, who are ya? C.I.A? F.B.I.?
			A.T.F.?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... Hey baby. Are we like, doing it?
	
					BEAVIS
			Me first?
	
					DALLAS
			You got two seconds!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh. Is that gonna be enough time?
	
	Dallas grabs Butt-Head by the shirt.
	
					DALLAS
			Who sent ya?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh, this fat dude. He said we
			could do you. And he was gonna pay us.
	
					DALLAS
			Muddy! Sonofabitch! Hold it. What's he
			payin' ya?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, ten uh...
	
					DALLAS
			Ten grand? That cheap-ass... I got a
			better deal for ya. I'll double it. I'll
			pay ya twenty if you go back there and do
			mah husband.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, you want us to do a guy? Huh huh. No
			way.
	
					BEAVIS
					(considering it)
			Umm,... I don't know Butt-Head. That is
			a lot of money... Maybe if we close our
			eyes and pretend he's a chick...
	
	Butt-Head SMACKS Beavis, bringing him to his senses.
	
	From outside, SOUND of a police siren. Dallas goes to the window. 
	The place is being surrounded by police and plain black cars.
	
					DALLAS
					(panics)
			Damn! You boys, you wait right there.
	
	Dallas goes into the next room and closes the door.
	
	B&B look at each other. They start to take their pants off.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. I'm ready for love.
	
					BEAVIS
			Me first! Me first!
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
	
	Dallas gets binoculars from her bag and scouts outside.
	
	Her P.O.V. REVEALS dozens of police and A.T.F. cars. The hotel's 
	surrounded.
	
	As Dallas looks around, she spots a tour bus across the street. On 
	the side: "Dream America Tours." Dallas quickly dials the phone.
	
					DALLAS
					(to phone)
			Gimme the number for Dream America Tours.
			(pause) Right.
	
	Dallas dials again, crossing to the door to peek out at B&B - both 
	standing in their underwear, waiting. Beavis picks his nose. 
	Dallas closes the door again.
	
					DALLAS (CONT.)
					(to phone)
			Yeah, you got a bus leaving today? (pause)
			Five minutes? Where's it goin'? (listens)
			Washington, D.C.? (mulls it over) Perfect.
			(a look back to the other room) Gimme two
			tickets.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
	
	B&B are in their underwear. Butt-Head sits at the edge of the bed. 
	Beavis tries to pull the remote off the table.
	
	Dallas enters, sees this sight, and shuts off the TV. She looms 
	over Butt-Head.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			So, uh, huh huh. Are we gonna score now?
	
					BEAVIS
			Me first!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Forget it, bunghole!
	
	B&B start to wrestle. Dallas sees Beavis' pants.
	
					DALLAS
					(realizing)
			Score? You boys wanna...?
	
	Butt-Head grabs Beavis' neck.
	
					BEAVIS
			Ow, let go, Butt-Head!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh.
	
	She picks up the pants, getting an idea.
	
					DALLAS
			You wait here.
	
	She takes the pants into the next room. B&B keep wrestling.
	
					BEAVIS
			Me first.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. No way, dude.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON her black satchel. From it she lifts a delicate 
	electronic device, the X-5 unit, about the size of a credit card. 
	An LED light blinks.
	
	Using her switchbalde, she cuts a hole in the back seam of Beavis' 
	pants, creating a natural pocket. She carefully slides the unit 
	in.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
	
	B&B's fight escalates. Butt-Head picks up a LAMP and throws it at 
	Beavis. It hits the wall and SHATTERS. Beavis charges Butt-Head.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/OTHER ROOM - DAY
	
	Dallas is licking a piece of thread. She quickly and expertly 
	threads a needle and then starts to sew the electronic device into 
	the inside back of Beavis' pants. She suddenly wrinkles her nose 
	as if she has smelled something.
	
	She holds the pants up to the light. Inside, the shadow of the 
	unit.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' SUITE/MAIN ROOM - DAY
	
	B&B fight wildly. Dallas enters and clears her throat. B&B freeze.
	
	FULL ON DALLAS, posed sexily, seductive.
	
					DALLAS
			Don't wear yourselves out, boys. Save
			some energy for me.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This is it, Beavis. Huh huh. We're 
			finally gonna score.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. Thank God.
	
					DALLAS
			I'm gonna do it with both of ya.
	
					B&B
					(uncontrollable)
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh
			huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	Dallas clears her throat to get their attention. And again.
	
					DALLAS
			(sexy) Boys... (shouts) Boys!!!
	
	Silence.
	
					DALLAS (CONT.)
			But first, you hafta do a little job for
			me. (touches seductively) Would you like
			to do a job for me?
	
	Silence. They're in shock.
	
					DALLAS (CONT.)
			Here's what it is. I want ya to take a bus
			ta Washington, D.C. That's all. And when
			ya get there, I'll be waitin'. You're
			gonna make a whole lotta money. (In their
			faces) And I'm gonaa give you everything!
	
					B&B
					(near comatose)
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					DALLAS
			Until then... (tosses Beavis' pants in his
			face) Keep your pants on.
	
	She looks back to the window, now all business.
	
					DALLAS (CONT.)
			OK guys, time to move out.
	
	
	INT.  HOTEL LOBBY/FRONT DOOR - DAY
	
	A.T.F. agents enter and spread out. We see several agents go up 
	the stairs.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' ROOM/DOORWAY - DAY
	
					DALLAS
			Remember, Washington, D.C. You'll get
			more money than you ever dreamed of. And
			you'll get me.
	
	She kisses them both seductively.
	
					DALLAS (CONT.)
					(urgent)
			Your bus is downstairs. Get going.
	
	She shuts the door, leaving B&B outside. Nearby, a maid with her 
	cart passes by.
	
	B&B stare, frozen for a beat, then go running for the elevator.
	
	ANGLE AROUND THE CORNER, out of B&B's view. Just as the elevator 
	doors shut, dozens of federal agents with guns rush in and kick 
	open Dallas' door.
	
	
	EXT.  HOTEL/CASINO - DAY
	
	More Feds and police enter.
	
	ANGLE ON B&B, walking past, oblivious to all else. As he walks 
	away, Beavis rubs his butt.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This is gonna be cool. Huh huh.
	
	They walk to the tour bus across the street.
	
	
	INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	B&B walk down the aisle, Beavis rubbing his butt. Most seats are 
	taken by senior citizens.
	
	Up ahead, two vacant seats. B&B fight to get in first.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			No way butt-hole! I want the window.
	
					BEAVIS
			Cut it out butt-hole!
	
					A VOICE
			Why don't you take turns?
	
	They turn. It's Martha, the woman from the plane, sitting across 
	the aisle.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey, Butt-Head, it's that slut from the
			plane!
	
					MARTHA
			Why it's you two. How'd ya do in Vegas?
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh, we didn't score yet.
	
					MARTHA
			Sorry to hear that. Me, I took a beating.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool, huh huh huh.
	
					MARTHA
			That's why I'm bussing it across America.
			I'm so glad you're here. (to man in next
			seat) Jim, I want you to meet two nice
			boys.
	
	JIM, an old guy, wakes up and looks over.
	
					MARTHA (CONT.)
			This is Travis and Bob... What's your
			last name, dear?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... Head? huh huh. My first name's
			Butt. Huh huh huh.
	
					JIM
			Pleased to meet ya, Mr. Head.
	
	All the seniors turn around to meet them.
	
					MARTHA
			Meet Sylvia. And Elloise and Sam. And Ed.
			And Doreen.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Are you guys sluts too? Huh huh huh.
	
	
	EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	It takes off.
	
	We PAN back to the hotel as Muddy arrives in a cab.
	
	
	INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE DALLAS' ROOM - DAY
	
	DRAMATIC REVEAL of AGENT RYAN FLEMMING entering the hallway. He's 
	an A.T.F. honcho, powerful, hard-ass. Looks like an Oliver North-
	type. Sounds something like Fred Thompson. He walks with his 
	assistant, AGENT BORK and another agent.
	
	They find Dallas' room and enter.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' HOTEL ROOM - DAY
	
	Dallas sits calmly, confident, as agents tear apart the room.
	
					FLEMMING
			So, are you going to tell us where it is
			or am I going to have to have Agent Hurley
			over there give you another cavity search?
	
	ANGLE ON AGENT HURLEY, a tough, stocky woman.
	
					DALLAS
			Ooh is that a promise?
	
					FLEMMING
			Look Mrs. Scum, we know who you are. Tell
			her Bork.
	
					BORK
			Dallas Grimes. Married to Muddy Grimes.
			You run a mom and pop arms smuggling ring.
	
	He tosses her some photos of her and Muddy.
	
					DALLAS
			Oh, you got my bad side.
	
	Bork hands Flemming another file. Flemming checks it.
	
					FLEMMING
			Three days ago you pulled a job at the
			Army Research Facility in Hadley, Nevada -
			where you stole... (reads) The X-5 unit.
			Now we happen to know you had the unit
			with you when you checked in here, so why
			don't you be a good girl and tell us where
			it is.
	
					DALLAS
			You gonna charge me with anything? (pause)
			I didn't think so. You wanna let me go now
			or wait 'till my lawyer files a wrongful
			arrest.
	
					BORK
					(aside to Flemming)
			We got nothing, Chief. We tore the place
			apart. We can only legally hold her for
			another couple of hours.
	
					FLEMMING
					(aside to Bork)
			Dammit! (slams fist down) Where's that
			damn unit??!!
	
	
	EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DAY
	
	The bus parks.
	
	
	INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	B&B are excited.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. We're in Washington!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. We're gonna score now.
	
					MARTHA
			Actually, we're at the Hoover Dam.
	
	Martha walks on down the aisle.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Damn, huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. Damn right!
	
	They follow the seniors out of the bus. Beavis rubs his butt.
	
	
	EXT.  THE ROAD - DAY
	
	Dallas drives by in a slick car.
	
	
	INT.  DALLAS' CAR - DAY
	
	She adjusts her rearview mirror to observe a Fed car following 
	her. She smiles.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM - DAY
	
	B&B and the seniors are on a tour through the giant basement. B&B 
	talk and approach the HOOVER GUIDE, speaking nearby.
	
					BEAVIS
			So, like, where is she?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(looks around)
			Yeah, really.
	
					HOOVER GUIDE
			Over 40 thousand cubic tons of concrete
			were used in the construction of the
			Hoover Dam.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					HOOVER GUIDE
			From top to bottom, this dam is 51
			stories.
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh, huh huh, excuse me. Is this a God
			Damn?
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	They follow the tour into the next room.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/OBSERVATION ROOM - DUSK
	
	A glass wall separates this from the master control room. There, 
	two technicians are on watch. Banks of monitors show the water and 
	pipes from various angles.
	
	B&B are the last in. Beavis rubs his aching butt. The guide is 
	already speaking.
	
					HOOVER GUIDE
			... Generates over 6000 gigawatts of
			electricity, all passing through this
			control room. This way.
	
	The tour moves on.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This is dumb, let's find that chick.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh, enough'a this crap.
	
	They walk back from where they came.
	
	Through the glass wall, we see the two control room technicians 
	heading out.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Check it out Butt-Head, TV!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool! Huh huh huh.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/HALL OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM DOOR - DUSK
	
	SOUND of air compression as this secure door opens. The two 
	technicians walk out.
	
	They walk away, not seeing that behind them, B&B approach the 
	control room door. They enter just before the door closes. SOUND 
	of air compression locks.
	
	
	INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
	
	Agent Bork knocks and enters.
	
					FLEMMING
			Talk ta me, Bork.
	
					BORK
			Chief, we found a witness that says he saw
			two teenagers leaving Dallas' room shortly
			before we arrived.
	
					FLEMMING
			Did you give him a full cavity search?
	
					BORK
					(confused)
			Ah, the witness?
	
					FLEMMING
			Yes. You can never be too careful Bork.
	
					BORK
			Well sir, I didn't really think it was
			necessary. You see we have a picture of
			them from the elevator security cam. Here,
			have a look.
	
	TIGHT ON PICTURE. A still of B&B laughing on the elevator.
	
					BORK (CONT.)
			They look like a couple of kids chief.
	
					FLEMMING
			Bork, don't you realize what kids today
			are capable of? Don't you read the papers?
	
	Suddenly the lights blink on and off. All three men look up.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
	
	We see a bank of TV monitors, video of water, turbines, etc. 
	Beavis is rubbing his butt against a switch on the console, 
	causing the lights to blink on and off.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Beavis, huh huh, what'er you doing?
	
					BEAVIS
			My butt's bothering me!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			You should kick your butt's ass. Huh huh
			huh.
	
	Butt-Head looks at the bank of monitors - all showing water.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			Dammit, all they have is shows about
			water.
	
					BEAVIS
			That sucks. Heh heh. They need some shows
			about fire! Change the channel.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh...
	
	Butt-Head starts randomly hitting controls everywhere while Beavis 
	rubs his butt against a computer keypad.
	
	TIGHT ON CONTROL:  "Main Water Release Valve". Butt-Head turns it. 
	An alarm sounds.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, turn it up! Louder! Heh heh.
	
	
	INT.  DAM DOORS - DUSK
	
	An alarm sounds. Giant doors open, causing water to start to flood 
	through the gates.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
	
	Butt-Head presses more buttons. His hand is near the biggest 
	switch for: "Master Station Control".
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(reads sign)
			Uh... Mas... Ter... Huh huh. Masturbation,
			huh huh.
	
	Butt-Head throws the switch. Lights go out. SOUND of generators 
	grinding to a halt.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/MACHINE ROOM - DUSK
	
	Machinery stops suddenly and large support beams break. A 
	disaster.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONTROL ROOM - DUSK
	
	SOUND of twisted, grinding metal, loud alarms.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh...
	
	ON ONE OF THE MONITORS, we see a small electrical fire.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, fire! Fire! FIRE!!!
	
	
	EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
	
	The lights go out.
	
	
	EXT.  VEGAS STRIP - DUSK
	
	In succession, one set of lights after another goes out. The 
	famous strip goes dark.
	
	
	INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DUSK
	
	The lights go dead.
	
					FLEMMING
			The hell's going on?
	
	
	INT.  HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM/VEGAS - DUSK
	
	A surgeon just makes an incision as the lights go out.
	
					SURGEON
			Whoooooops.
	
	
	EXT.  CAMPGROUND - DUSK
	
	Marcy Anderson hammers the last peg in for their tent. Tom checks 
	the stew on the fire and looks around.
	
					TOM
			I'll tell ya, it doesn't get any better
			than this. This here is God's country.
			Unspoiled and...
	
	A rumbling interrupts him. He and Marcy turn to see:
	
	A wall of water, heading for them.
	
					TOM (CONT.)
			Aaaaghhh!!!...
	
	They're smashed by the flood.
	
	
	EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
	
	Mass chaos. Traffic jams. Honking horns. People shouting.
	
	ANGLE ON B&B AND THE SENIORS, about to get on the bus.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			That was boring. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, it's just the same thing over and
			over again.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... We can't leave Washington 'till we
			find that chick.
	
					MARTHA
			Oh, we're a long ways from Washington Bob.
			This is the Hoover Dam.
	
	Martha gets on the bus. HOLD ON B&B.
	
					BEAVIS
			Damn! Heh heh hmm heh.
	
	They get on the bus.
	
	
	INT.  VEGAS HOTEL/CASINO - DUSK
	
	Mayhem. People scream in the dark. Some steal chips and run.
	
	ANGLE TO SIDE, where Muddy has the Concierge by the neck.
	
					CONCIERGE
			I swear, that's all I know! They got on
			that tour bus. It was probably heading 
			west. Please...
	
	Muddy slams him against the wall and walks away.
	
					MUDDY
			I'm gonna kill 'em!
	
	
	EXT.  HOOVER DAM - DUSK
	
	The doors close on the tour bus. It pulls out and drives away.
	
	
	EXT.  SIDE OF ROAD - DUSK
	
	At her car, Dallas watches the bus from a distance, then lays down 
	her binoculars, satisfied.
	
					DALLAS
			You boys better show up.
	
	With a look at the Fed car behind her, she gets in her car and 
	drives down a different road.
	
	
	EXT.  ROAD - DUSK
	
	The bus heads off into the desert.
	
	
	DISSOLVE TO:
	
	
	EXT.  HOOVER DAM - MORNING
	
	Police cars everywhere. Fire engines. Reporters. News helicopters. 
	Disaster.
	
	Several A.T.F. cars pull up. Flemming and several of his agents 
	get out and head immediately for the dam.
	
	
	INT.  HOOVER DAM/CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
	
	TIGHT ON A TV MONITOR. It shows B&B at the Hoover Dam controls the 
	eve before, shot on surveillance camera. Frame freezes. B&B 
	looking particularly stupid.
	
	REVEAL Flemming's there with his agents. Flemming leans forward.
	
					FLEMMING
			You see what I see, Bork?
	
					BORK
			I see it. I don't get it.
	
					FLEMMING
			You got half the state looking for ya -
			how do you get away?
	
					BORK
					(realizes)
			Cut the power!
	
					FLEMMING
			Damn right. Bork, we're dealing with real
			pros here. My opinion, terrorists...
			What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
	
					BORK
			Well, sir it's not good. (to an assistant)
			Roll the tape... The X-5 unit is a new
			top-secret biological weapon, a manmade
			virus...
	
	ON MONITOR. The device that was put in back of Beavis' pants.
	
					BORK (CONT.)
			The deadliest known to man. It could wipe
			out five states in five days. It can be
			activated by simply entering the right
			code. Here's what happened when it was
			tested on a group of Army recruits...
	
	ON THE MONITOR. Army recruits coughing up black gunk, rolling 
	around in pain on stretchers, dying. Grotesque (but funny).
	
					FLEMMING
			Jesus Jumped-Up Christ! If this were to
			fall into the wrong hands...
	
					BORK
			It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished.
			It has a flaw - the casing. If hit hard
			enough, it could break open, releasing the
			virus.
	
	A murmuring through the room. Flemming rises and holds up a 
	picture of B&B.
	
					FLEMMING
			Okay People, as of right now these are the
			most dangerous men in America. I want
			these faces in front of every Fed and two-
			bit sheriff within a thousand miles. The
			orders are dead or alive. Let's just pray
			that nothing hits that unit.
	
	
	INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON Beavis' butt, as Butt-head KICKS IT REPEATEDLY.
	
					BEAVIS
			Ow! Cut it out Butt-Head.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. Get out of the way, Beavis, I
			wanna sit by the window. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Ow! I'll kick your butt!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. You mean like this?
	
	Butt-Head keeps kicking.
	
	ANGLE ON THE DRIVER UP FRONT.
	
					DRIVER
			Okay, people, next stop, Grand Canyon.
	
	He guns it.
	
	
	EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	It takes off down the road.
	
	MONTAGE SONG BEGINS. (Maybe White Zombie doing something like, 
	"Born to Be Wild")
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Grand Canyon.
	
	
	EXT.  GRAND CANYON - DAY
	
	Gorgeous. Our seniors and others take pictures and stare in awe. 
	Some hold hands. One crosses herself.
	
	ANGLE ON B&B, nearby, also staring in awe. REVEAL they're watching 
	a jackass take a dump.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			The poop's coming out of the ass of the
			ass. Heh heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. It's coming out of the ass, but
			it's also coming out of the ass of the
			ass.
	
	
	INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON PHOTO OF B&B, going out on the wire.
	
	
	INT.  A POLICE STATION - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON COP getting the photo off a machine.
	
	
	INT.  A POST OFFICE - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON B&B's PHOTO as it's pinned to the wall.
	
	
	INT.  DRIVING TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	PAN across seniors showing off pictures of their grandchildren.
	
	Pan stops on B&B showing off the picture of Dallas to a senior. 
	Butt-Head does the "finger-in-hole" fornication gesture as they 
	LAUGH suggestively.
	
	
	EXT.  SIDE OF ROAD - DAY
	
	Flemming reads a map strewn on his hood. He turns to Bork to give 
	orders. Bork repeats them into his radio. Several cars pull out.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across a map to Utah.
	
	
	EXT.  SALT LAKE CITY - DAY
	
	Martha and the seniors pose in front of a classic Salt Lake City 
	view. A sign nearby reads "Welcome to Salt Lake City."
	
	REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, taking their picture.
	
	P.O.V. OF CAMERA shows Butt-Head's hand covering half the lens. 
	Framing is crooked and way off. Click and FREEZE.
	
	
	EXT.  SIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAY
	
	Middle of nowhere. Confused, Martha is taking a picture.
	
	REVERSE ANGLE shows B&B, posing by the road sign: Baggs, Wyoming.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	P.O.V. OF CAMERA, showing B&B laughing.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes across the map to Wyoming.
	
	CROSS-DISSOLVE BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
	
	
	EXT.  FLAMING GORGE, WYOMING - DAY
	
	A classic view of a powerful gorge.
	
	REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. Martha and the seniors rush 
	to the windows to stare in awe.
	
	
	EXT.  GRAND TETON, WYOMING - DAY
	
	A classic view of the huge peaks.
	
	REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS driving by. More seniors rush to the 
	windows to see.
	
	
	EXT.  YELLOWSTONE PARK, WYOMING - DAY
	
	A spectacular view of Yellowstone Lake and the Rockies.
	
	REVERSE SHOWS THE TOUR BUS. Seniors staring in awe.
	
	PAN over to another window. B&B press their BARE ASSES against the 
	window.
	
	
	EXT.  YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - DAY
	
	MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
	
	A RANGER/GUIDE stands in front of the seniors talking about the 
	geyser. B&B are towards the front, off to one side.
	
					RANGER
					(a la Carl Sagan)
			There are over two hundred active geysers
			in Yellowstone Park alone. Old Faithful
			here is one of the largest. During an 
			eruption the water can reach as high as
			two hundred feet!...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			So?
	
					RANGER
					(ignoring Butt-Head)
			It shoots out over twelve thousand gallons
			of water in a single eruption...
	
					BEAVIS
			That's not that much.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Yeah really. Let's get outta here Beavis.
			Huh huh huh. This sucks.
	
	B&B walk off as the flustered ranger leads the seniors to some 
	benches where they wait for the geyser to erupt.
	
	
	EXT.  YELLOWSTONE/OLD FAITHFUL - LATER
	
	The geyser erupts. The seniors watch in sheer awe.
	
					MARTHA
			It's...incredible...!
	
	
	INT.  VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S BATHROOM - DAY
	
	B&B stare ahead in similar awe.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			It's incredible!... Huh huh huh.
	
	REVEAL they're standing before the urinals. Butt-Head moves to the 
	side, tripping a motion detector which makes the urinal 
	AUTOMATICALLY FLUSH.
	
					BEAVIS
			Whoa! That's amazing! Heh heh heh.
	
	They start moving from urinal to urinal, causing all to flush.
	
	
	EXT.  OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING AREA - DAY
	
	The bus idles. The last senior climbs aboard.
	
	The driver looks around impatiently. He checks his watch.
	
					DRIVER
			I can't wait forever.
	
	
	INT.  OLD FAITHFUL/RANGER'S OFFICE - DAY
	
	The ranger/guide enters and checks off a chart on a bulletin board 
	near B&B's "wanted" photo.
	
	Suddenly the guide sees B&B's photo, then, out the window, the bus 
	closing its door and pulling away.
	
					RANGER
			Oh my God!
	
	The guide picks up the phone.
	
	
	INT.  VISITOR CENTER/MEN'S ROOM - DAY
	
	B&B go back and forth, "playing" the urinals, passing hands, 
	heads, whole bodies in front of the motion detectors.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh.
	
	Finally, Butt-Head pauses.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This is the coolest thing I have ever
			seen.
	
	
	EXT.  SIDE OF A ROAD - DAY
	
	Flemming is on the radio. Bork runs up.
	
					BORK
			Chief, we got 'em! They're on a senior
			citizens tour bus going east on I-40.
	
	
	EXT.  OLD FAITHFUL/PARKING LOT - DAY
	
	B&B get on a bus that looks completely different than the tour 
	bus.
	
	
	INT.  DIFFERENT BUS - DAY
	
	TIGHT ON B&B. Butt-Head looks around.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... Is this the right bus?
	
					BEAVIS
			You mean there's mre than one?
	
	A WIDER SHOT REVEALS it's a bus full of nuns. B&B look around and 
	see this.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. Hey Beavis. We're on a bus
			with chicks.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh hmm heh heh.
	
	Butt-Head turns to the nun next to him.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Hey, baby.
	
	The nun looks disturbed as the bus takes off.
	
	
	EXT.  I-40/SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
	
	The tour bus is stopped. Like P.O.W.'s, the seniors stand with 
	hands on heads. Agents search the bus.
	
	ANGLE ON LINE OF SENIORS. Flemming walks nearby and is told:
	
					BORK
			They're not on the bus.
	
	Flemming looks the seniors over.
	
					FLEMMING
					(re: seniors)
			These people know something. I want full
			cavity searches. Everyone. Go deep on 'em.
	
	Hurley and two agents grab the nearest senior and drag him away.
	
					FLEMMING (CONT.)
			I tell you Bork, these guys are smart.
			Damn smart. They're probably a hundred
			miles away by now.
	
	Behind Flemming, an agent waves on traffic including B&B's new 
	bus. As it pulls past, B&B hang B.A.'s. Flemming doesn't see.
	
	MONTAGE SONG BEGINS:
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map, pretty much retracing the 
	route B&B took north. Down into Utah.
	
	
	INT.  BUS - DAY
	
	A nun strums a guitar and sings. Butt-head head-bangs. The nuns 
	around look uneasy.
	
	Nearby another nun reads the Bible to Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey, Butt-Head, this book kicks ass!
			There's this talking snake and a naked
			chick and then this dude puts a leaf
			on his schlong! Heh heh heh.
	
	The nun next to Beavis is disgusted.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes down through Colorado.
	
	One of the nuns is trying to teach B&B the sign of the cross.
	
	Butt-head moves his hand down, up, left and then swings his hand 
	to the far right SMACKING Beavis.
	
	
	INT.  ROADSIDE RESTAURANT - DAY
	
	Sitting before a long table, the nuns close their eyes and pray, 
	hands clasped together.
	
	PAN THE ROW to B&B who's hands are clasped together and 
	interlocked as they do the incredibly juvenile 'peek at the 
	vagina' trick.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Rancho Taos, New 
	Mexico.
	
	
	EXT.  MISSION OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI CHURCH - DAY
	
	A beautiful old adobe-style church. Nuns exit the bus, excited, 
	followed by B&B who look around.
	
	The nuns walk into a visitor center. B&B walk right into the 
	church.
	
	
	INT.  CHURCH - DAY
	
	In a WIDE SHOT we see B&B walk in, look around and head for the 
	CONFESSION BOOTHS.
	
					BEAVIS
			Check it out Butt-Head, porta-potties.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool, huh huh.
	
	B&B each enter a confession booth on the priest's side.
	
	
	INT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - LATER
	
	WIDE EST. SHOT shows that a confessional service has begun.
	
	
	INT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH/CONFESSION BOOTH - DAY
	
	We see a man nervously confessing. This seems difficult for him.
	
					MAN
					(about to cry)
			Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
			I,...I...I slept with a woman, and...
	
	From the priest's side of the confessional we hear Butt-head. The 
	man can't see him.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
			Huh huh huh, really? Was she naked?
	
					MAN
			Well, yes Father. Please forgive me. I...
	
					BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
			Cool, huh huh huh. Could you like, see her
			boobs?
	
	ANGLE INSIDE ANOTHER CONFESSIONAL
	
					MAN #2
					(confused)
			How many Hail Marys?
	
					BEAVIS (O.S.)
			A thousand! Yeah, heh heh hmm. And I want
			you to hit yourself. Right now!
	
					MAN #2
			Now?!
	
					BEAVIS (O.S.)
			Yeah! Heh heh hmm heh. DO IT!
	
	From outside the confession booth, we hear the sound of a SMACK.
	
					BEAVIS (O.S./CONT.)
			Harder! Heh heh. Again! Heh heh. You need
			to straighten up!
	
	
	EXT.  ST. FRANCIS CHURCH - DAY
	
	As B&B board the bus they are STRUCK BY LIGHTNING.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes further down into Arizona.
	
	
	EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
	
	This establishes.
	
	
	INT.  PETRIFIED FORESTS VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
	
	B&B stare at an exhibit, riveted. The nuns watch them. A recording 
	plays.
	
					RECORDING (V.O.)
			Welcome to the Petrified Forest. The
			world's largest site of petrified wood.
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh wood.
	
	The Mother Superior makes a signal the other nuns were waiting 
	for. They all rush back to the bus, leaving B&B behind.
	
					RECORDING (V.O.)
			You may wonder, how can wood get so hard?
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	Through the window, we see the bus drive away.
	
	ANGLE ON AN OLD RANGER behind a counter, looking at B&B. He sees 
	their A.T.F. photo nearby and reaches for a phone.
	
	
	EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST VISITOR'S CENTER - DAY
	
	MONTAGE SONG ENDS.
	
	B&B step outside. Nearby, a tourist car pulls up.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey, where'd those chicks go?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... I think you scared them off.
	
					BEAVIS
			This sucks. What are we doing here?
			Weren't we suppost'a go to Washington and
			score or something?
	
	From the car, a tourist couple heads into the building.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(to couple)
			Uh, do you know where Washington is?
	
					TOURIST MAN
			Yeah, 'bout 2000 miles that way.
	
	He points to the desert, then continues into the building.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool. Huh huh huh.
	
	B&B walk off into the desert.
	
	
	EXT.  PETRIFIED FOREST TOURIST CENTER - LATER
	
	The place is crawling with A.T.F.  Flemming walks out with Bork 
	and the OLD RANGER.
	
					FLEMMING
			Didn't see which way they went. Didn't see
			their vehicle. I don't suppose you tried
			to stop them?
	
					OLD RANGER
			The most dangerous guys in America? Not
			me, Sonny. I make nine dollars an hour.
	
					FLEMMING
			National security is the responsibility of
			every American. Bork...
	
					BORK
			Cavity search...?
	
					FLEMMING
			Deep and hard.
	
	Agents lead the old Ranger away.
	
					FLEMMING (CONT.)
			They're not gonna get away this time. I
			want roadblocks. Every road outta here for
			two hundred miles.
	
	
	EXT.  ROAD - DAY
	
	IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
	
	A.T.F. agents put up roadblocks.
	
	Agents load guns.
	
	Agents pile up sandbags and prepare for battle.
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT - DAY
	
	WIDE SHOT. A wasteland. Scorching desert hear. B&B, small in 
	frame, look lost. They're parched, weak.
	
					BEAVIS
			This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This desert is stupid. They need to put a
			drinking fountain out here.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah or like a Seven-Eleven or
			something... Are we almost there?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, probably like, another five minutes or
			something.
	
	ANGLE FROM OVERHEAD. Lost, alone, B&B wobble like they haven't 
	long to live. Overhead, vultures circle.
	
	ANGLE ON B&B, exhausted, spent. Staring ahead, Butt-Head suddenly 
	sees something.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			Whoa! Check it out!
	
	Beavis clears his eyes and sees it too.
	
					B&B
			Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
	
	Excited, saved, they rush weakly forward.
	
	B&B'S P.O.V. REVEALS they rush to: A GIANT BIG SCREEN TV.
	
					BEAVIS
			Turn it on! Turn it on!
	
	As they get closer it disappears - just a mirage.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh...
	
					BEAVIS
			Dammit!!!! Dammit!!!!
	
	ANGLE ON SUN, brightening. The FRAME WHITES OUT.
	
	
	EXT.  ROADBLOCK - DAY
	
	Cars are backed up into the horizon.
	
	The car up front is waved on. Up next: Tom and Marcy. An agent 
	steps over and shows the picture of B&B.
	
					TOM
			Something wrong, Officer?
	
					AGENT
			Sir, we're looking for these two
			fugitives.
	
	ANDERSON SQUINTS to see.
	
	HIS P.O.V. REVEALS the photo out of focus.
	
					ANDERSON
			Why I'll be danged. It's those boys been
			whackin' off in my camper...
	
					AGENT
			You saw these two?
	
					ANDERSON
			I sure did. They were whackin' off in my
			tool shed. Then whackin' off in my camper.
			I never seen so much whackin' off.
	
	The agent steps back and shouts into his walkie-talkie:
	
					AGENT
			Blue Den this is post nine! I have
			positive ID!! (to Tom) Sir, I'm gonna have
			to ask you and your wife to step out of
			the vehicle.
	
					ANDERSON
			Well you see, me and the missus are on our
			way to Washington. We got this schedule...
	
	The agent pulls his gun and orders:
	
					AGENT
			Now!!!!
	
	
	EXT.  SIDE OF HIGHWAY/JUST OFF ROADBLOCK - DAY
	
	A BIT LATER. Agents swarm over Tom's camper, turning everything 
	upside, pulling out dishes, trashing everything.
	
					TOM
					(furious)
			Now wait right there. You're dealing with
			a veteran of two foreign wars. They're the
			ones been whacking off. If I find anything
			broken in there, you and I are gonna
			tangle!
	
	An A.T.F. agent smashes the micro on the ground and sifts through 
	the pieces.
	
	Nearby, Flemming and Hurley watch.
	
					FLEMMING
					(appalled)
			Masturbating in a man's camper! We're
			dealing with two sick individuals. I want
			that camper torn apart, full cavity
			searches all around.
	
	SNAP! SFX as Agent Hurley puts on her rubber gloves and leads Tom 
	and Marcy away.
	
	Agent Bork runs up to Flemming.
	
					BORK
			Chief - just came in! Two days ago,
			Express Airways had a disturbance by
			someone calling himself - Cornholio. Guess
			who matches the description?
	
	He holds up a police sketch of Cornholio. Flemming walks to a 
	nearby chopper. SOUND of engine revving. Others follow.
	
					FLEMMING
			Finally, a real break. Get me that
			flight's point of origin. We're gonna kick
			some ass.
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT - DAY
	
	B&B walk along in the scorching heat. Ahead of them they see a 
	DUMB GUY and a DUMBER GUY with motorcycles parked. They are trying 
	to start a camp fire, LAUGHING.
	
					DUMB GUY
					(to B&B)
			Uh, hey. One of you kids got a match?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(dehydrated)
			Uh, my butt and your...uh, butt.
	
	
	INT.  B&B'S HOME - DAY
	
	Peaceful. Empty. Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents break in, guns 
	ready, searching every corner. They tear it apart.
	
	
	EXT.  B&B'S TOWN/STREETS - DAY
	
	Agents rush down the business streets. People are in a panic. It's 
	like an invasion.
	
	ANGLE ON ELITE MOTOR LODGE - ON B&B'S TV SET as agents rush by, 
	knocking it over with a crash.
	
	
	INT.  VAN DRIESSEN'S CLASS - DAY
	
	Guitar in hand, Van Driessen sings:
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			She flies so gracefully,
			over rocks, trees and sand. Soaring over
			cliffs and gently
			floating down to land.
			She proudly lifts her voice
			to sound her mating call.
			And soon her mate responds
			by singing... "Caw, Caw, Caw."
			Come with me, Lesbian Seagull.
			Settle down and rest with me...
	
	Suddenly dozens of A.T.F. agents crash into the room. The door 
	bashes in, knocking Van Driessen down hard and crushing his 
	guitar.
	
	Flemming enters. Behind him, McVicker.
	
					McVICKER
			Uh...uh...uh that's him. He's their
			teacher.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			What's going on here?
	
					FLEMMING
			I'll ask the questions. Are these your
			students?
	
	He shows a picture of B&B.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			I assume you're a government agent. I
			would think you would know there's
			something in this country called due
			process.
	
					FLEMMING
			That's about the kind of talk I'd expect
			from the guy who taught these two. Take
			this scum away.
	
					VAN DRIESSEN
			I believe I'm supposed to be read my
			Miranda Rights...
	
	An agent interrupts, punching Van Driessen in the gut. He's taken 
	away. Flemming turns menacingly to McVicker.
	
					McVICKER
			I...I...I always knew they were no good.
			I... I... I hate them!
	
					FLEMMING
					(to McVicker)
			You've been harboring two criminal
			masterminds!
	
	Bork rushes up to Flemming with a paper.
	
					BORK
			Chief, you know that guy whose camper they
			were whacking off in?
	
					FLEMMING
					(appalled)
			Bork! You are a federal agent. You
			represent the United States Government...
			Never end a sentence with a preposition.
			Try again.
	
					BORK
			Oh, ah... You know that guy in whose
			camper they... I mean that guy off in
			whose camper they were whacking?
	
					FLEMMING
			That's better. Yes?
	
					BORK
			We've run a sample through the National
			Criminal Sperm Bank and come up with two
			possible genetic matches for a father.
			(holds up photos)
	
	TIGHT ON PHOTO. It's the DUMB GUY and DUMBER GUY from the desert.
	
					BORK (O.S./CONT.)
			Former Motley Crue members turned
			drifters.
	
	Flemming takes the paper and marches off. Others follow.
	
	DISSOLVE TO:
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT - NIGHT
	
	B&B and the Dumn abd Dumber Guys are sitting around a campfire. 
	The Dumb Guy looks like an older, more stupid, version of Butt-
	Head. The Dumber Guy is a couple of evolutionary scales down from 
	Beavis. Their relationship is an exaggerated version of B&B's.
	
	Butt-Head is staring at the Dumb Guy in admiration. Beavis, like 
	the Dumber Guy, appears to be just staring at the fire, 
	hypnotized. Dumb Guy is eating spaghetti out of a can.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			You were a roadie for Motley Crue?
	
					DUMB GUY
					(mouth full)
			Yup. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Fire.
	
					DUMB GUY
			Here's another true story. About fifteen
			years ago, we stopped in this, uh, toilet,
			called Highland...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Really? That's where we're from.
	
					DUMB GUY
			Well, then you know what I'm talking
			about. Anyway, here's the story. I
			scored with these two chicks. True story.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			You scored with two chicks?!
	
					DUMB GUY
					(spaghetti dribbling from mouth)
			Yeah, they were sluts. Huh huh huh.
	
					DUMBER GUY
			Ih hih hih hih hih hih.
	
	Dumb Guy punches Dumber Guy in the head with a closed fist.
	
					DUMB GUY
			Shut up, dumb-ass! You didn't score. I
			scored with both of them...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, do you think these two sluts still
			live in Highland? That would be cool.
	
					DUMB GUY
					(after taking another big bite)
			Hey, you wanna see something really cool?
			Huh huh huh.
	
	Dumb Guy gets up, turns his butt towards the fire and starts to 
	drop his pants.
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT/LONG SHOT - CONTINUOUS
	
	The campfire is in the distance, middle of nowhere. A flatulant 
	sound is heard. Suddenly, a big beautiful purple and orange 
	fireball erupts, lighting up the sky.
	
					B&B/DUMB GUY/DUMBER GUY (O.S.)
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS (O.S.)
			Fire.
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT - MORNING
	
	B&B wake up. The Dumb Guy and Dumber Guy are gone. The sun is 
	scorching.
	
	B&B inch forward - spent, dehydrated, near death.
	
	ANGLE ON GROUND as B&B collapse into frame. Butt-Head looks up at 
	the sun, squinting.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(barely alive)
			The sun sucks.
	
	A vulture picks at Beavis' shirt. Beavis SMACKS the vulture.
	
					BEAVIS
					(to the vulture)
			Cut it out butt-hole!
	
	The vulture moves revealing a PEYOTE CACTUS. Beavis looks at it.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Hey Butt-Head, isn't there supposed to be
			like, water in cactuses?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(semiconscious)
			Uh...
	
	Beavis takes a bite of the cactus, chews and then coughs.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
					(sees something)
			Hey Beavis, check it out.
	
	IN FRONT OF B&B: Two vultures start humping.
	
					B&B
					(struggling to laugh)
			Huh huh huh (cough) huh huh (cough).
	
	
	EXT.  ROADBLOCK - DAY
	
	START ON SUN - over B&B?
	
	REVEAL it's over Muddy who looks at a picture of B&B held by an 
	A.T.F. agent.
	
					MUDDY
			No, I can't say I've seen 'em. I sure hope
			it's safe to drive around here.
	
					COP
			Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main
			roads. If they're around, they're probably
			hiding out in the desert.
	
					MUDDY
			That's good to know, Officer.
	
	Muddy takes off with a smile and turns off onto a side road.
	
	
	EXT.  DESERT - LATER
	
	B&B barely crawling forward. Butt-Head stops, then Beavis. They're 
	barely able to talk.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey Butt-Head, are we gonna die?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, probably, huh huh...Whoa, I think my
			life is like, flashing in front of my
			eyes!
	
	BUTT-HEAD'S VISION. Through time-lapse dissolves we see him 
	sitting on his couch with Beavis, laughing like an idiot in the 
	exact same positions at age 2, 5, 7, 10, 13.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, my life is cool!
	
	TIGHT ON BEAVIS:
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh... I think I'm seeing something too.
			It's like a really long time ago...
	
	BEAVIS' VISION: Beavis as a sperm cell swimming through a uterus. 
	It's a sperm cell with the face of Beavis on it.
	
					BEAVIS/SPERM
			Yeah, heh heh. This is gonna be cool.
	
	Beavis/Sperm swims over to the egg.
	
	With its own tail the Beavis/Sperm starts picking its nose.
	
					BEAVIS/SPERM (CONT.)
			Hey, how's it goin'? Heh heh heh.
	
	Several other sperm charge in, knocking Beavis into the egg. His 
	conception looks like a dumb accident.
	
	BACK ON BEAVIS:
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh I scored.
	
	Animated bubbles appear around Beavis' head.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Hey Butt-Head, I'm starting to feel weird.
			I think I'm freaking out.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh? Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Whoa, this is cool! Heh heh. It's like,
			everything looks all weird and...
	
	BEAVIS' P.O.V. OF BUTT-HEAD: His face starts to warp and colors 
	start shifting.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			...and... Whoa!...and it's like there's
			all these weird shapes and it's sort of
			like,...it's like...like a MUSIC VIDEO!!!
	
	Tight on Beavis' face staring in wonder.
	
	THIS IS WHERE THE MUSIC VIDEO/HALLUCINATION SEQUENCE BEGINS. It 
	could even be so shameless as to actually have a chyron in the 
	lower left hand corner.
	
	I would like to have a band (White Zombie?) do a version of 
	something like, "Fire," by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. This 
	is the song that begins, "I am God of Hellfire and I bring you... 
	fire!"
	
	The concept of this will depend somewhat on which band we get, but 
	I would like to see it get pretty wild and surreal. (If it's White 
	Zombie, we could incorporate some of Rob Zombie's artwork.)
	
	BEAVIS' P.O.V.:
	
	We see the sun above the horizon turn into a giant ball of fire. 
	The ball of fire develops a face and speaks.
	
					FIRE
			I am God of Hellfire and I bring
			you...(music begins) Fire...
	
					BEAVIS
			Whoa!!! This kicks ass!!!
	
	THIS IS THE GREATEST VIDEO BEAVIS HAS EVER SEEN. Out of the ball 
	of fire steps a beautiful woman in a bikini.
	
	At first the video is mostly the God of Hellfire, chicks in 
	bikinis and various images of B&B's TV in all its glory.
	
	As the video/hallucination continues, it becomes a psychotic mass 
	of naked people, fire, TVs, vultures, B&B head-banging, weird 
	stuff from my high school notebooks, etc.
	
	At one point we see the God of Hellfire in a Burger World uniform.
	
	As the song winds down, we incorporate Muddy's car into the 
	surreal imagery. (We should also incorporate their TV, as well as 
	maybe some of the characters from the show that aren't in the 
	movie.)
	
	Then, we REVEAL Muddy's car actually pulling up to B&B's near-dead 
	bodies.
	
	The SONG ENDS as Muddy tosses water on B&B. REVEAL they were not 
	far from the side of a road all along.
	
					B&B
			Ahhhhghhhhgh!
	
	B&B snap out of it. They rise and find Muddy hovering over them 
	with a shotgun.
	
					BEAVIS
			Aagh! I'm all wet!...(realizing) Oh, cool.
			Heh heh heh. Water.
	
	Muddy aims his shotgun at B&B.
	
					MUDDY
			Ah'm gonna enjoy this. Any last words
			b'fore ah kill ya?
	
	B&B think.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... Huh huh. I have a couple. Butt
			cheeks, huh huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah! Boobs. Heh heh. I just wanna say
			that again. Boobs. Heh heh.
	
					MUDDY
			Ah'm gonna blow you both to hell!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cool, huh huh. (realizing) Hey Beavis
			that's that dude that's paying us to do
			his wife.
	
					BEAVIS
			Oh yeah. Can you just take us to
			Washington? We're gonna meet her there
			and, you know, heh heh hmmm...
	
					MUDDY
			Washington! That's where she was gonna
			meet up with ya? (realizes) Damn, she's
			goin' all the way!
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	Muddy lowers the gun a bit.
	
					MUDDY
			You know, I just might need you after all.
			Aw right, in the trunk. You're gonna help
			me get mah unit back.
	
	Muddy pops it open. B&B climb in. Muddy closes the trunk on them 
	and walks to the front of the car. HOLD ON THE TRUNK.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (O.S.)
			Boy, it sure is hard to score. Huh huh
			huh.
	
	Muddy peels out.
	
	
	EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
	
	A MONTAGE SONG BEGINS.
	
	Muddy drives by.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Santa Fe.
	
	DISSOLVE TO:
	
	
	EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
	
	Muddy's car drives by. Muddy hears B&B laugh from inside the trunk 
	and turns up the radio to drown it out.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Oklahoma City.
	
	DISSOLVE TO:
	
	
	EXT.  GAS STATION - DAY
	
	Muddy pumps gas. From inside the trunk:
	
					BEAVIS (O.C.)
			Hey Butt-Head, look. A jack. Heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
			Huh huh. Jack. Huh huh.
	
	INSERT: A RED LINE snakes through a map to Little Rock, Nashville 
	and into Virginia up Rt. 81.
	
	
	EXT.  MUDDY'S CAR DRIVING ON HIGHWAY - DAY
	
	ANGLE OUTSIDE MUDDY'S TRUNK. From within we hear:
	
					BUTT-HEAD (O.C.)
			Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking
			off!
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	Pumping up the jack, they cause the lid of the trunk to start to 
	bend.
	
	Suddenly, it pops open. B&B are a sweaty mess. They gasp.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			This sucks. Let's get outta here.
	
	They look out. The road behind them races past at 80 mph. Beavis 
	stares dumbly.
	
					BEAVIS
			Uh, you first.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			C'mon, Beavis, just start running really
			fast when you hit the ground. It'll work.
	
					BEAVIS
			Okay. I'll go right after you.
	
	Butt-Head shoves Beavis out of the car.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Ahhhhghghhghghgh!
	
	Beavis tries to run, but hits the road and flips over and over - 
	and smashes his butt.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Owwwwww, my butt!!!!!!
	
	His body stops in the middle of the road. A huge truck, about to 
	hit him, swerves and jackknifes over the side.
	
	Behind the truck, several cars screech to a halt, one smashing 
	into the other.
	
	ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TRUNK
	
	Butt-Head looks at the road.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
	ANGLE ON MUDDY'S TIRE. It hits a pothole.
	
	ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, shooting out of the trunk, he grabs onto the 
	lid. He bounces against the road again and again.
	
	Finally, he loses his grip as the lid to the trunk closes.
	
	ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD, rolling along the highway.
	
	A car, about to hit Butt-Head, screeches to a halt. Other cars 
	behind it smash and pile up.
	
	ANGLE ON ROAD SOME WAYS BACK. On Tom and Marcy in their car.
	
					TOM
			Boy, what I wouldn't give for five minutes
			alone with them two little bastards...
	
	The car ahead of Tom crashes into the car ahead of that. Tom 
	crashes into it. And the car behind crashes into Tom.
	
	OVERHEAD ANGLE shows cars and trucks behind, crashing, piling up. 
	A massive pile-up.
	
	
	INT.  MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
	
	Muddy doesn't notice the mess behind him. He drives on.
	
	MONTAGE SONG ENDS
	
	
	EXT.  HIGHWAY - DAY
	
	LATER.
	
	ON MEDIVAC helicopters; one landing, another taking off.
	
	MOVE TO WOMAN TV REPORTER, talking to camera:
	
					REPORTER
			Authorities are calling this the worst
			highway disaster in the nation's
			history...
	
	
	INT.  A.T.F. HEADQUARTERS/FLEMMING'S OFFICE - DAY
	
	Flemming, Bork, and about six other agents look at a map. Behind 
	them, a TV is on with the reporter continuing. Behind the 
	reporter, B&B poke their heads into frame at 45 degree angles, 
	looking like deer in the headlights.
	
					REPORTER (CONT.)
			... Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay
			wrecked or stuck. No one knows what caused
			it, but police have not ruled out the
			possibility of terrorists.
	
	Bork notices B&B on TV and taps Flemming on the shoulder. Flemming 
	looks.
	
					FLEMMING
			Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher.
	
					BORK
					(despairing)
			Where did these guys come from?
	
	Flemming looks at the big map which traces sightings of B&B across 
	America.
	
					FLEMMING
			The question is, where are they going.
	
	He looks again at the TV. On the news, a story about...
	
					REPORTER 2
			...set for 5:00 tomorrow when
			representatives from around the world will
			meet in Washington for the first such
			peace conference...
	
	Flemming looks back at the map, and then back at the TV.
	
					FLEMMING
			What the hell...? Bork! That bus we picked
			up. Where was it headin'?
	
					BORK
					(checks papers)
			D.C., Chief.
	
					FLEMMING
					(realizing)
			Jesus jumped-up... Bork, can you imagine
			what would happen if they set that thing
			off in our nation's capital, or even
			worse, if they sold it to some damned
			foreigner at that conference. (rises and
			puts his fist down) Well, it's not gonna
			happen!
	
	
	EXT.  HIGHWAY/CRASH SITE - DAY
	
	B&B walk along looking at the wreckage.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, this kicks ass! Huh huh huh.
	
					MARTHA (O.S.)
			Yoo-hoo! Travis and Bob Head. Whoo-hoo!
	
	The tour bus stands nearby. Martha calls from the window.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey Butt-Head it's that chick!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, oh yeah. Cool. They can take us to
			Washington and we can finally score.
	
	B&B head into the bus.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, heh heh. Umm, isn't Seattle in
			Washington? Heh heh... 'cuz I was
			thinking maybe we could go see Hole.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Yeah. We can go see Hole and then we can
			get some hole. Huh huh huh huh.
	
	INSERT: MAP. The RED LINE snakes right up to D.C.
	
	
	INT/EXT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	INTERCUT BETWEEN THE BUS AND THE SIGHTS IT PASSES:
	
	ANGLE ON THE LINCOLN MONUMENT.
	
	ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. Several seniors press their faces to see.
	
	ANGLE ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
	
	ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. More seniors rush to the window to see.
	
	ANGLE ON THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
	
	ANGLE ON BUS WINDOW. B&B press their bare asses.
	
	
	EXT.  CAPITOL - DAY
	
	The seniors and B&B get off the bus.
	
	As soon as they're out of sight, Dallas drives up and sees the 
	Tour Bus. She smiles to herself.
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
	
	Dark. Isolated.
	
	Dallas pulls up and gets out of her car. Suddenly, a voice:
	
					VOICE/MUDDY
			'Spectin' someone?
	
	Dallas wheels around. Muddy's got a gun on her.
	
					MUDDY (CONT.)
			Well, well. Look at this. The love of my
			life. Where have you been?
	
	Muddy moves towards Dallas. She steps back.
	
					DALLAS
			Honey, I was gonna split it with you after
			I sold it, right down the middle. I swear.
			I just...
	
					MUDDY
			Sure you were. But now you don't have to
			go through all that bother.
	
	Dallas moves seductively towards Muddy.
	
					DALLAS
			Come on Muddy. Whatd'ya say we just
			forget about it and go get a room like old
			times...
	
	Muddy cocks his gun.
	
					MUDDY
			I don't think so. Where is it?
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL - DAY
	
	B&B walk up to the information booth where a HOST makes an 
	announcement.
	
					HOST
					(announces)
			All Senators are requested for a vote. All
			Senators are requested for a vote.
	
	A bell accompanies this announcement.
	
					HOST (CONT.)
					(to B&B)
			Can I help you?
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, we're looking for Washington.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh. We're gonna meet this chick with
			really big hooters.
	
					HOST
			Sirs, you are in Washington.
	
					BEAVIS
			Well where is she?!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Could you, like, tell her we're ready to
			score?
	
					HOST
			No! Just a moment...
	
	She turns to the side to answer the phone.
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL/PRIVATE PANEL ROOM - DAY
	
	Six Senators sit behind a panel. BOB PACKWOOD testifies across 
	from them.
	
					SENATOR
			Thank you for returning, Senator Packwood,
			to help us understand how sexual
			harassment happens in this sacred
			institution.
	
	Suddenly, SOUND OF BUTT-HEAD over the PA.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (V.O.)
			Uh... Attention, attention! We're looking
			for that chick with the big boobs.
	
					BEAVIS (V.O.)
			Heh heh. We wanna do her now!
	
					HOST (V.O.)
			Hey! Gimme tha...
	
					B&B (V.O.)
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	ANGLE ON PACKWOOD - smiles.
	
					PACKWOOD
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL/SENATE - DAY
	
	Classic wide, overhead shot. SOUND of all Senators.
	
					SENATORS
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL UNDERGROUND GARAGE - DAY
	
	Muddy finishes tying Dallas' hands behind her back. He crosses to 
	his trunk.
	
					MUDDY
			You forgot who yer dealin' with, Honey. Ya
			see, I got your mules right here in my
			trunk and...
	
	Muddy pops the trunk. It's empty.
	
					MUDDY (CONT.)
			Say what?... I'm gonna kill 'em!!!
	
					DALLAS
			No honey we're gonna kill 'em.
	
	Dallas, still tied up, starts kissing Muddy. He gives in.
	
	
	EXT.  CAPITOL - DAY
	
	ANGLE ON B&B getting on the bus last.
	
	
	INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	Butt-Head sits. Beavis pauses, still standing.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey wait a minute. What's going on? Why
			are we getting back on the bus?
	
					OLD GUY
			It's time to go son.
	
					BEAVIS
			We can't leave! We never met that chick!
			Dammit!!! We were supposed to get some!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. Settle down Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS
			Oh yeah,...I mean no. NO! I won't settle
			down! Not this time!...
	
	Beavis is shaking, fed up. He delivers the speech of his life.
	
					BEAVIS (CONT.)
			Dammit, this always happens! I think I'm
			gonna score and then I never score! It's
			not fair! We've traveled a hundred miles
			'cause we thought we were gonna score, but
			now it's not gonna happen!
	
					BUS DRIVER
					(yelling from his seat)
			Hey buddy, sit down! Now!
	
					BEAVIS
			SHUT UP! (continuing) I'm sick and tired
			of this! We're never gonna score! It's
			just not gonna happen! We're just gonna
			get old like these people, but they've
			probably scored!
	
					BUS DRIVER
					(standing)
			Hey! I'm warning you! Sit down!
	
					BEAVIS
			It's like this chick's a slut (motioning
			to Martha)... and look at this guy!...
			He's old but he's probably scored a
			million times!
	
					OLD GUY
					(nods in agreement)
			Ohh yeah.
	
					BEAVIS
			But not us! We're never gonna score! WE'RE
			NEVER GONNA SCORE!!! AAGGHHHH!!!
	
	The bus driver tackles Beavis.
	
	
	INT.  CAPITOL/PARKING GARAGE/MUDDY'S CAR - DAY
	
	In a tight shot, we see Muddy and Dallas humping away in the back 
	seat (in a PG-13 kind of way).
	
	We hear the sound of a door opening.
	
	ANGLE ON FLEMMING, BORK AND SEVERAL AGENTS LOOKING DOWN.
	
					FLEMMING
			Well look what we have here. You two make
			me sick... Book 'em Bork.
	
					DALLAS
			You don't have anything on us and you know
			it.
	
					FLEMMING
			Oh I don't huh? How about lewd conduct?
			Maybe indecent exposure?...
			Here's what's gonna happen. One of you's
			gonna make a deal and get me the unit. The
			other can spend the next sixty years in
			jail.
	
					MUDDY
			There you're wrong, boy. Me and mah wife
			are back together and you'll never...
	
					DALLAS
			He stole the unit. Said he put it in some
			kid's pants.
	
					MUDDY
			Why you damn little...
	
	He's cuffed and dragged away.
	
	
	INT.  TOUR BUS - DAY
	
	The driver sits down and drives on.
	
	Beavis is slightly beat up. Martha reaches into her purse, filled 
	with prescription medications.
	
					MARTHA
			Now Travis, it doesn't do a body good to
			get all worked up. Here. This should help
			you relax.
	
	She holds up a box of NoDrowz and squints at the label.
	
					MARTHA
			Does that say Xanax?
	
					BEAVIS
			Um, um, yeah, probably. Heh heh.
	
	Beavis takes a couple, then starts wolfing down the whole box.
	
	
	INT.  FLEMMING'S CAR - DAY
	
	Flemming's on the radio. Bork checks a tour guide.
	
					FLEMMING
					(to radio)
			Okay, boys and girls, our suspects are on
			a tour bus we believe to be headed for...
			(checks papers) the White House! Jumpin'
			Jesus! I want everyone there. Our people.
			Locals. Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat!
			Shoot to kill!
	
					BORK
			Chief, I swear, we tore that bus apart.
			They couldn't have...
	
					FLEMMING
			Bork, when this is all over, remind me to
			make you an appointment with Agent Hurley.
	
	
	EXT.  STREETS OF WASHINGTON - DAY
	
	All manner of police, A.T.F., F.B.I. cars speed along.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE/TOURIST PARKING LOT - DAY
	
	B&B and the seniors walk from the bus to the White House. Beavis 
	is starting to shake as he finishes off the NoDrowz.
	
	NEARBY, Anderson's camper pulls up.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	The seniors and B&B are being led on a tour. B&B in back. Beavis 
	is starting to SHAKE AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES.
	
	As the tour moves on, Beavis stays behind. He goes over to a 
	coffee-serving cart sitting outside a meeting room. He starts 
	WOLFING DOWN SUGAR CUBES.
	
	BACK ON THE TOUR:
	
	The tour is led by a smiling guide, SANDY.
	
					SANDY
			Welcome to the White House. My name is
			Sandy, and I'll be your tour guide. In
			case you don't know it, you've come on a
			very special day. Today...
	
	She points to the camera crews outside the window.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY
	
	ON A NEWS REPORTER, facing camera. Behind her, a large gathering 
	before a stage.
	
					REPORTER
			Today, representatives from around the
			world are gathered at the White House for
			an historic global conference called: Give
			Peace A Chance - or G-PAC.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE - DAY
	
	A.T.F., Police and F.B.I. cars arrive.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
	
	The tour stands in the East Room.
	
					SANDY
			This is the East Room. Many of the
			portraits you see were saved from the fire
			set by the British in 1814...
	
	Beavis is shaking, babbling, staring at his fist, etc.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. Fire. Heh heh Aaaaeeehhhhg!!!
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			What's your problem Beavis?
	
					SANDY
			...The site for the White House was chosen
			by President Washington and Pierre
			L'Enfant...
	
	Beavis now has his T-shirt pulled over his head and is pacing 
	around and babbling. He's too loud now for Sandy to ignore.
	
					BEAVIS
			L'enfentatta tiitatta for my bunghole!
	
					SANDY
			Sir, are you okay?
	
					BEAVIS
			Are you threatening me?! I am Cornholio!
	
					SANDY
			Sir, maybe you should wait out in the
			lobby.
	
	Beavis/Cornholio wanders off, muttering.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			In thees lobby, wheel there be T.P.?
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	ON FLEMMING AND THE HEAD SECRET SERVICE GUY - arguing.
	
					FLEMMING
			You don't understand. National security is
			at stake here. We must evacuate.
	
					SECRET SERVICE GUY
			Not without proper authorization.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	A group of foreign dignitaries is being led through the hallway on 
	a tour. Two of them chat in Spanish.
	
	We see Beavis coming down the hall in the opposite direction.
	
					DIGNITARY #1
			El Presidente es un gringo muy gordo, no?
	
					DIGNITARY #2
			Si.
	
	They pass Beavis babbling - riffing off their Spanish.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Gr-r-ringo! Burrito! R-r-anddatattta!!
	
	Beavis turns around and stops.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
			I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my
			bunghole! Heh heh heh.
	
	The group continues down the hall, ignoring Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
					(humble)
			Would you like to see my bunghole?
	
	Beavis leaves.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
	
	Tom and Marcy Anderson gaze at a portrait of Eisenhower.
	
					TOM
					(sotto)
			Where are ya when we need ya Ike... (to
			Marcy) I tell ya what, Honey, with all we
			been through, it don't change a thing. I
			said it before and I'll say it again. This
			is the greatest country on earth...
	
	Beavis/Cornholio wanders by behind them. Tom turns to look.
	
	TOM'S BLURRY P.O.V.: We see Beavis/Cornholio wander down the hall 
	BABBLING.
	
					TOM
					(adjusting his glasses)
			Say, that looks like... Nah, it couldn't
			be.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY - DAY
	
	Beavis comes around a corner and stops at a portrait of Nixon.
	
	ANGLE ON PORTRAIT. Nixon doing classic victory pose - peace signs 
	with both hands up.
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS. His hands also up in the Cornholio pose. He 
	stares for a beat, then:
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Are you threatening me?!... I am
			Cornholio!
	
	Beavis wanders off.
	
	
	INT.  PRESS ROOM - DAY
	
	The press secretary is giving a conference. The room is packed 
	with reporters.
	
					PRESS SECRETARY
			Yes, the president does plan to speak
			today at the G-PAC conference.
	
					REPORTERS
					(raising hands)
			Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary! What about
			the rumors that a biological weapon has
			been stolen and smuggled out of the
			country at this conference. Mr. Secretary!
	
					SECRETARY
			Those rumors are entirely unfounded...
	
	While this goes on: Through a doorway in the back of the room, we 
	see Beavis wander out of frame and then come back in.
	
	He starts WOLFING DOWN MORE SUGAR CUBES from a coffee serving 
	cart.
	
					BEAVIS
			I am the great Cornholio. I am a gringo...
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	IN MONTAGE SHOTS:
	
	A.T.F. and Secret Service agents argue.
	
	Several S.W.A.T. trucks pull up.
	
	S.W.A.T. team guys jump out of trucks and load guns.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE TOUR - DAY
	
	The tour stands in a giant, elegant dining room.
	
					SANDY
			This is the State Dining Room where the
			most powerful world leaders are
			entertained.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, where's the TV? Huh huh huh. Hey
			Beavis,... Beavis?
	
	Butt-Head wanders off.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			This house sucks.
	
	
	INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF OVAL OFFICE - DAY
	
	A Secret Service guard is talking on radio/phone.
	
					GUARD
			Evacuation?... Probably just another bomb
			threat or something... OK.
	
	The guard walks off down the hallway, leaving his post.
	
	From the other end of the hallway we see Beavis/Cornholio enter, 
	still babbling.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
	
	Beavis wanders in and finds no one around. He shouts in 
	frustration.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			I am the great Cornholio! Heh heh. You
			will cooperate with my bunghole!
	
	He picks up the red phone and presses the button again and again.
	
	
	INT.  STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
	
	The war room. A LIEUTENANT picks up the red phone.
	
	A TITLE COMES UP: STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND.
	
					LIEUTENANT
			Yes, Mr. President.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
					(on phone)
			I am Meester President! I have no
			bunghole! I am Cornholio!
	
					LIEUTENANT
			Mr. President, I can't make out what
			you're saying.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
					(on phone)
			Bungholio! Presidente! I need teepee!
	
	A GENERAL comes by.
	
					LIEUTENANT
					(to general)
			Sir, the President sounds strange.
			Something's going on. I don't think it's a
			drill.
	
					GENERAL
			Washington may be under attack. Go to
			Defcon 4.
	
	ANGLE ON LIEUTENANT'S HAND, moving to push a button. Alarms sound.
	
	ANGLE ON BIG MAP. A sign flashes: DEFCON 4. Soldiers run through 
	frame.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	The seniors, along with other tourists and dignitaries are 
	escorted out of the building.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR - DAY
	
	A.T.F. agents rush by. We HOLD here after they go. Butt-Head walks 
	by, unaware.
	
	Butt-Head walks around and opens a door. The door to CHELSEA 
	CLINTON'S room.
	
	Inside, she's folding clothes. (NOTE: If Clinton is not reelected, 
	the shot will be wider, revealing she's packing a suitcase)
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(excited)
			Whoa! Huh huh uh,... (suave) Hey, baby.
			Huh huh, I noticed you have braces. So do
			I, huh huh.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	We HOLD ON A WIDE SHOT of the back of the White House for a beat. 
	Then:
	
	We see Butt-Head come CRASHING out of a second-story window - 
	thrown by Chelsea. He lands deep in the bushes below.
	
	ANGLE ON the bushes.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. That was cool.
	
	We see Butt-Head slowly emerge from the bushes. He looks up, 
	suddenly seeing:
	
	DOZENS OF A.T.F. AGENTS surround him, rifles trained.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(awestruck)
			This is the coolest thing I have ever
			seen.
	
	Flemming steps up.
	
					FLEMMING
			Alright, where's the unit?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, in my pants?
	
	Bork and others quickly frisk Butt-head.
	
					BORK
			Not on him, Chief.
	
					FLEMMING
			Agent Hurley...
	
	Hurley steps forward.
	
					FLEMMING (CONT.)
			... I want you to give this scumbag a
			cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter.
			Don't stop 'till you reach the back of his
			teeth.
	
	Butt-Head is led away.
	
	
	INT.  OVAL OFFICE - DAY
	
	Beavis is on the red phone. He goes through the President's 
	drawers.
	
					LIEUTENANT
					(on phone)
			Mr. President, the bombers are scrambled.
			Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			I order you to surrender your T.P.!
	
	
	INT.  STRATEGIC AIR COMMAND - DAY
	
	The General grabs the phone from the Lieutenant.
	
					GENERAL
			Gimme that! (to phone) Mr. President, in
			the name of all that is holy, I must have
			those launch codes!
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
					(on phone)
			Are you threatening me? Bungholio!
	
	Click. Beavis hangs up.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
	
	Beavis walks out of the Oval Office.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Presidente Bungholio! You will cooperate
			with my bunghole!
	
	
	INT.  A.T.F. VAN - DAY
	
	Hurley steps out of a van to speak with Flemming and Bork. She 
	pulls off a LONG GLOVE that goes almost to her shoulder.
	
	Butt-Head sits, disheveled.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh, did I just score?
	
					HURLEY
			He's clean, chief.
	
					FLEMMING
			The other guy must have it. He's gotta be
			in here somewhere. (re: Butt-Head) Bring
			him.
	
	Flemming, Bork and the other agents take off.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	In the main reception area, Beavis is surrounded by a few FOREIGN 
	DIGNITARIES who try to make sense of what he is saying.
	
					DIGNITARY #1
			Que es un "bunghole"? Que lengua es?
			Arabigo?
	
					DIGNITARY #2
			De donde eres tu?
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Arabigo? I am the Great Cornholio. I have
			no bunghole. Where I come from there is no
			T.P.
	
	A White House representative comes up. He assumes Beavis is with 
	the dignitaries.
	
					REPRESENTATIVE
			I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience
			gentlemen, but we're going to have
			outside for a moment. Follow me please.
	
	He leads them out, including Beavis who continues to babble.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			You can run but you cannot hide from the
			Almighty Bunghole! Heh heh hmm.
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	Beavis/Cornholio and the dignitaries are escorted out. Beavis, 
	unnoticed, keeps walking.
	
	Beavis, walking along stops. He sees something.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Aaaaahh...
	
	ON BEAVIS' P.O.V. across the street, we see what Beavis is looking 
	at:
	
	ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS. He takes the picture of Dallas out of his pocket.
	
	TIGHT ON the picture of Dallas.
	
	TIGHT ON Anderson's camper.
	
	TIGHT ON Beavis.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
			Aaaahh, heh heh...
	
	Beavis looks alternately at the camper and the picture a couple of 
	times, and then walks across the street.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (CONT.)
			Booiiing! Ptang ptang! Wagh-hah!!!
	
	Beavis goes into Anderson's camper and shuts the door.
	
	A Secret Service agent walks by, just missing Beavis.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/CORRIDOR OF PRESIDENTS - DAY
	
	Tom and Marcy enjoying a moment.
	
					TOM
			Boy I tell ya what, it really makes ya
			proud. I could stay here all day.
	
	An A.T.F. agent comes up and interrupts Tom.
	
					AGENT
			Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave...
	
					TOM
			Now wait just a minute...
	
					AGENT
			Now!
	
	NEARBY, Flemming and Bork are showing the police sketch of 
	Cornholio to Sandy and questioning her.
	
	Bork sees Anderson walk by from a distance.
	
					BORK
			Say chief, isn't that guy whose
			camper,...I mean, off in whose...
	
					FLEMMING
					(irritated)
			Not now Bork.
	
	
	EXT.  ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
	
	From inside the camper we hear THE STRANGEST CORNHOLIO SOUNDS YET.
	
	ANGLE ON the front of the camper. Tom and Marcy walk up.
	
					TOM
			I tell ya what honey, this country's goin'
			to Hell in a handbasket.
	
	They get in the front. Tom adjusts the side-view mirror.
	
					TOM (CONT.)
			I'm gonna go over right now and talk to my
			Congressman about this...
	
	TOM'S P.O.V.: In the side-view mirror we see the camper SHAKING 
	and hear Beavis/Cornholio.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO (O.S.)
			Ooooaaaaaghhh!!! Whack-awhack-aaaaghh!!!
	
					TOM
			What the hell?...Wait here a minute...
	
	Tom gets out and goes into the camper.
	
	HOLD ON THE CAMPER DOOR.
	
	Tom throws Beavis/Cornholio out the door. Beavis is in his 
	underwear with his T-shirt still pulled over his head.
	
					TOM (CONT.)
			And if I ever catch ya whackin' in here
			again I'm gonna hog-tie ya! (to himself)
			Now I gotta straighten up in here.
	
	Tom goes back in the camper.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			You have offended my bunghole!
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	Bork reports to Flemming. Butt-Head is held by two agents.
	
					BORK
			We just cleared all four floors. No sign
			of him.
	
					FLEMMING
			Damn! Where the hell is he? We should've
			found him by now.
	
	Bork sees something. It's Beavis, about a hundred yards away.
	
					BORK
			Chief, look!
	
					FLEMMING
					(picks up radio)
			Attention all units. We've got him. He's
			in front of a camper in the visitor's lot.
	
	
	EXT.  OUTSIDE ANDERSON'S CAMPER - DAY
	
	Beavis stands, T-shirt still over his head. Suddenly, dozens of 
	agents surround him, pointing guns at him. Beavis seems oblivious 
	to the danger.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			I am the great Cornholio! I will lay waste
			to your bunghole! Heh heh.
	
	BEHIND THE AGENTS, Flemming approaches and gives orders.
	
					FLEMMING
			OK, nobody shoot. He could still have the
			unit on him. Keep your distance. We don't
			wanna take a chance on hitting it.
	
					BORK
			Where are his pants?
	
					FLEMMING
			Who knows?
	
	Beavis reaches to scratch his butt. Agents step back, cautious.
	
	Flemming picks up a bullhorn and addresses Beavis.
	
					FLEMMING (CONT.)
			This is Agent Flemming, A.T.F.. We won't
			hurt you. We just want the unit. Tell us
			where the unit is.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Do you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?
	
					FLEMMING
			We'll get you whatever you want. (to
			agents) Get that other kid. We might need
			him.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Do you have any oleo? Heh heh.
	
					BORK
					(on a radio)
			This is Bork. We need some T.P. and
			some...(to Flemming) What's he say?
	
	ANGLE BEHIND AGENTS. Butt-Head is brought in by two agents.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, this rules! Can I have a gun too?
			Huh huh huh.
	
	ON BEAVIS. He continues to babble, making the agents nervous.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			You must bow down to the Almighty
			Bunghole. (Beavis) Heh heh, this is cool.
			(Cornholio, chanting) Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!
	
					FLEMMING
					(to Bork)
			He's jerkin' us off. I think we're gonna
			have to take him out. Get ready to fire on
			my orders... (on bullhorn) This is your
			last chance. Give us the unit now...
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			(Beavis) Why does everyone wanna see my
			schlong? (Cornholio, chanting) I am the
			one-and-only-almighty-bungholiooo!
	
					FLEMMING
					(to agents)
			OK boys. Get ready to fire on the count of
			three. (on bullhorn) I'm gonna give you
			three seconds...
	
	ANGLE ON AGENTS taking aim, cocking their guns.
	
					FLEMMING (CONT.)
					(on bullhorn)
			One...
	
	ANGLE ON BEAVIS, chanting.
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			Cornholio-o-o-o-o...
	
	ANGLE ON BUTT-HEAD.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, huh huh huh.
	
					FLEMMING
					(on bullhorn)
			...Two...
	
					BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO
			...o-o-o-eieee-ooooeeeooooo...
	
					FLEMMING
					(on bullhorn)
			Thrr...
	
	Suddenly Tom Anderson throws open his camper door, holding Beavis' 
	pants.
	
					TOM
			And take yer damn pants with ya...!
			(noticing) What in the hell...?
	
					BORK
					(pointing)
			THE PANTS!!! He's got the unit!
	
	Suddenly all guns are on Anderson.
	
					FLEMMING
					(through bullhorn)
			Drop the pants! Now!
	
					TOM
			Wait a minute. I ain't the one...
	
	IN SLOW MOTION:
	
	A S.W.A.T. TEAM GUY lunges at Tom, grabbing the pants.
	
	Tom pulls away, causing the pants to RIP. THE UNIT GOES FLYING.
	
	A FROZEN MOMENT. SLOW MOTION.
	
	TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
	
	TIGHT ON FACES IN THE CROWD.
	
	TIGHT ON THE UNIT.
	
	TIGHT ON FLEMMING.
	
	TIGHT ON BUTT-HEAD, LAUGHING IN SLOW MOTION - OBLIVIOUS.
	
	TIGHT ON THE UNIT, FALLING, FALLING.
	
	IT HITS BUTT-HEAD'S HEAD, BOUNCES AND FALLS INTO HIS HANDS.
	
	The agents all stare at Butt-Head - quiet, not sure what to do.
	
	Butt-Head hands it to Flemming, nonchalant.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, here ya go. Huh huh huh.
	
	The crowd CHEERS.
	
	ON ANDERSON'S CAMPER.
	
	Tom is handcuffed roughly.
	
					TOM
			Now wait just a minute...
	
	An agent comes out of the camper with the picture of Dallas. Bork 
	grabs it and shows it to Tom.
	
					BORK
			How do you explain this?
	
	Flemming approaches Tom.
	
					FLEMMING
			Sooo, using two innocent teenagers as
			pawns in your sick game, huh?
	
					TOM
			I don't know what the hell...
	
					FLEMMING
					(disgusted)
			Take him away.
	
	Anderson is dragged away past a group of young, boy-scout types 
	who shake their heads in shame.
	
	ANGLE ON Beavis and Butt-head being interviewed by a reporter. 
	Beavis is in his underwear. Tom is being dragged away in the 
	background.
	
					BEAVIS
			I always thought there was something wrong
			with him. Heh heh heh.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Yeah, he had a lot of problems. Huh huh
			huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, and um, he used to hit me too.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
					(leaning towards camera)
			Uh hey, does anyone wanna see my unit?
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	DISSOLVE TO:
	
	
	EXT.  WHITE HOUSE - DAY
	
	Later. Establish. Most A.T.F. cars are pulling out.
	
	
	INT.  WHITE HOUSE/OVAL OFFICE - DAY
	
	B&B sit as Flemming paces in front of them. Beavis is no longer 
	Cornholio.
	
					FLEMMING
			I gotta admit, I didn't believe it. I
			thought you were scum. But you saved more
			lives today than you'll ever know. You led
			us to one of the sickest criminals in our
			history. This country owes you a debt.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, does that mean, like, we're gonna get
			money and stuff?
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, and chicks! We were supposed to
			score.
	
					FLEMMING
			For security reasons, your actions will
			have to remain top secret. But someone
			very special wants to give his thanks.
	
	Flemming motions to the big chair. The PRESIDENT swivels around 
	and rises to shake hands with B&B.
	
					PRESIDENT
			Beavis and Butt-Head. On behalf of all
			your fellow Americans, I extend my deepest
			thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of
			young Americans who will grow into the
			leaders of this great country.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Huh huh huh. He said crap. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. This guy's cool.
	
					PRESIDENT
			In recognition for your great service, I'm
			appointing you honorary agents in the
			Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Whoa, huh huh!!!
	
	The President hands them citations.
	
					BUTT-HEAD (CONT.)
			You hear that, Beavis! We're gonna get
			alcohol, tobacco and guns!
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah, maybe some chicks too. Heh heh.
	
	B&B leave the office, muttering.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Cigarettes and beer rule! Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Yeah! We're with the bureau of cigarettes
			and chicks! We're gonna score!
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh huh huh.
	
	
	EXT.  AIRPORT NEAR B&B'S HOMETOWN - DAY
	
	A plane lands.
	
	
	INT.  PLANE/DOOR - DAY
	
	As before, the flight crew stares in horror and silence as B&B 
	deplane.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... bye-bye.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh heh. Bye bye. Heh heh.
	
	
	EXT.  ELITE MOTEL LODGE BAR - DAY
	
	Walking home, B&B pass the motel. They notice the sign for big 
	screen TV. They stop and look at it.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			You know what else sucks? We never even
			got a TV.
	
	ON BEAVIS, seeing something, amazed, ecstatic.
	
					BEAVIS
			Heh mmm, hey mmm Butt-Head! Look!
	
	Heavenly MUSIC. B&B stare at the wonder before them.
	
	ANGLE ON THEIR TV, mangled, partly-crushed junk.
	
					B&B
			Yes! Yes! Yes! Huh huh huh.
	
	B&B run up to the set like it was their lost and found dog.
	
	
	EXT.  RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY
	
	B&B walk off into the distance with the TV.
	
					BEAVIS
			Hey Butt-Head, do you think we're ever
			gonna score?
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're
			too much of a butt-monkey. Huh huh.
	
					BEAVIS
			Shut up, dill-hole.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Butt-dumpling...
	
					BEAVIS
			Turd-burglar...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Dill-wad...
	
					BEAVIS
			Bunghole...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Butt-snatch...
	
					BEAVIS
			Um, uh, butt... um, hole. Butt-hole...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... dill, um, face...
	
					BEAVIS
			Um... ass... head...
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Uh... butt-snatch...
	
					BEAVIS
			You already said that, Butt-Head.
	
					BUTT-HEAD
			Oh, uh, I mean, uh, ass-goblin...
	
					B&B
			Huh huh huh...
	
	B&B head off into the sunset, trading lame insults as we FADE OUT.
	
						END
	
	
	

Beavis and Butt-head Do America



Writers :   Mike Judge  Joe Stillman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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