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)Y(
                                               Rev.   04/18/90   (Cherry)
                                               Rev.   04/25/90   (Tan)
                                               Rev.   04/26/90   (White)
                                               Rev.   05/08/90   (Pink)
                                               Rev.   05/10/90   (Blue)
                                               Rev.   05/18/90   (Yellow)
                                               Rev.   05/25/90   (Green)
                                               Rev.   06/11/90   (Gold)
                                               Rev.   06/12/90   (Buff)
                                               Rev.   07/09/90   (Salmon)
                                               Rev.   07/12/90   (Cherry)
                                               Rev.   07/19/90   (Tan)




                        BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES



                               Screenplay by
                             Michael Cristofer


                            Based on the book by
                                 Tom Wolfe




                                         THIRD DRAFT

                                         April 2, 1990
WARNER BROS. INC.                         1990
4000 Warner Boulevard                    WARNER BROS. INC.
Burbank, California 91522                All Rights Reserved

)T(    Rev. 5/25/90                                                      *

                          BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES
       FADE IN:

1      EXT. MANHATTAN SKYLINE - NIGHT                             1
       MOVING IN FAST MOTION -- a kaleidoscopic jewel box --
       glittering, shining and speeding PAST our eyes.

2      ANGLE                                                      2
       MOVING south TO north FROM the Battery and the World
       Trade Center, streets and buildings FLIPPING PAST like
       black diamonds spilling INTO our peripheral vision and
       DISAPPEARING as we SPEED uptown TOWARD...
3      FIFTH AVENUE - NIGHT                                       3

       Cars and people caught in the same frantic ballet of
       shining lights as we RACE UP the avenue, and the voice
       of Peter Fallow speaks to us...
                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   Yes. We're getting closer. Can
                   you feel it. Can you see it?
                   The heat. The brilliance. Moving
                   fast into the heart of it. Buzz.
                   Buzz. Can you feel the buzz? The
                   city is pulling you in. The city
                   of light. The city of diabolical
                   promise. The city of answered
                   prayers.
4      OMITTED                                                    4
thru                                                              thru
11                                                                11
A11A   EXT. STREET - LIMOUSINE - NIGHT                            A11A

       pulls up to the World Financial Center and drives into
       the lower garage.
A11B   INT. LOADING AREA - LIMOUSINE - NIGHT                      A11B

       pulls up. A male and female aide -- both carrying
       walkie-talkies -- rush to open the door. They pry PETER
       FALLOW from the back seat. He is wearing a tuxedo and
       dark glasses. He is very drunk, disheveled and cheerful
       beyond his means. CONTINUE IN ONE SHOT as...
       TWO AIDES

       try to lead Fallow into the building. Fallow is clutch-
       ing a whiskey decanter and a seltzer bottle. He leans
       heavily on the aides, stumbles and can barely stay on his
       feet.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

)T(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/25/90                 2.          *

A11B   CONTINUED:                                                  A11B
       MINI CART

       approaches. The aides flag it down and throw Fallow onto
       the cart. The cart carries him past the garbage con-
       tainer into a long tunnel-like corridor.

       FALLOW

       sways on the cart, trying to mix a drink for himself --
       he pulls a glass out of one pocket and some ice cubes out
       of another pocket. But he is physically incompetent.

       FEMALE AIDE
       jumps onto the cart and tries to hold him up.   The male
       aide runs alongside the cart.

       VARIOUS WAITERS
       in black tie carry covered silver trays as they trot
       through the tunnel.
       VARIOUS BUSBOYS

       come running in the other way, pushing carts filled with
       dirty dishes and glasses.
       CART

       comes to the end of the tunnel and jerks to a halt.
       Fallow loses his balance and sprays the female aide with
       soda water.
       MALE AIDE
       pulls Fallow off the cart and continues to lead him
       through a dark, red-lit area. Several security guards
       run to meet them. The guards and the aide now escort
       Fallow through the area.
       A FEW PHOTOGRAPHERS

       pop out of nowhere, trying to get a picture. The guards
       push them away and lead Fallow into a lighted corridor.

       FOREIGN DIPLOMAT

       and his wife and daughter join the entourage as they head
       for an elevator. The diplomat offers Fallow a pen and a
       book to autograph.

       Fallow misses the pen and falls face down into the
       breasts of the diplomat's daughter. The guards pull him
       into the elevator.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

)T(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/25/90                3.           *

A11B   CONTINUED:    (2)                                           A11B
       CART OF FOOD

       is in the elevator -- a tray of salmon mousse in the
       shape of a three-foot salmon. The elevator starts to
       move.  Fallow falls into the mousse. The aide pulls him
       up and tries to clean him off.

       ELEVATOR DOORS
       open. Fallow is led out of the elevator. Several other
       aides approach him and pull off his soiled jacket and
       shirt and change them for fresh ones as they move.
       SOME BROADWAY AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS

       rush Fallow, snapping pictures with little Instamatics
       and trying to get an autograph.
       FALLOW
       is led through the corridor and into...
       WINTERGARDEN

       A ten story glass atrium. A black tie party. A sixty-
       foot banner with Fallow's name on it. Wild applause.
       But before Fallow can get his bearings...
       WALL OF FLASHING CAMERAS
       obliterate the view.    Fallow staggers, clutching his head
       and we...
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
11A    EXT. PARK AVE. APARTMENT - SKYLIGHT - EVENING               11A

       THROUGH the skylight we can see Sherman McCoy on his
       hands and knees on the green marble foyer of this lavish
       apartment chasing the family dachshund, trying to attach
       a leash.

                                  PETER (V.O.)
                    ... And it begins on a rainy
                    night, only a few months ago.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Come on, Marshall. Come here.
                    Stay. Come on. Stay.

12     INT. McCOY APARTMENT - SHERMAN - EVENING                    12

       The dog escapes. Sherman smacks his perfect WASP knee
       on the perfect marble floor.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

)T(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/25/90                3A.

12    CONTINUED:                                                  12
                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   Our hero, Sherman McCoy, was about
                   to make a simple phone call. And
                   despite the existence of eleven
                   telephones and seven different
                   lines in the fourteen rooms of his
                   six million dollar plus apartment,
                   this was a phone call he could not
                   make at home.
                                 JUDY (O.S.)
                   What on earth are you doing?
13    ANGLE - JUDY McCOY                                          13

      standing over Sherman, who continues to struggle with
      the dog.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  4.

13    CONTINUED:                                                   13
                                 SHERMAN
                   I am taking the dog for a walk.

                                 JUDY
                   You are not taking the dog for a
                   walk. You are taking 'Marshall'
                   for a walk. Marshall has a name.
                   He is one of our family. And,
                   anyway, it's raining.
                                  SHERMAN
                   I know that.
      The DOG GROWLS and snaps at Sherman.

                                 JUDY
                   So does Marshall. I don't think
                   he wants to go. Do you, Marshall?                     *
                                  SHERMAN
                   Judy...
                                  JUDY
                   Alright.   Alright.
      Sherman gets the leash fastened. He stands up, pulls
      on a rubberized British riding mac. Judy flicks a tiny
      plastic bag out of a cleverly-concealed container and
      hands it to Sherman.
                                 JUDY
                   Have a nice time.
14    OMITTED                                                      14
&                                                                  &
15                                                                 15

15A   INT. McCOY APARTMENT BUILDING - LOBBY - SHERMAN - NIGHT      15A
      pulls Marshall out of the elevator. MARSHALL SQUEALS and
      drags his nails across the lobby, trying desperately to
      avoid this walk.
                                 DOORMAN
                   He don't look too happy about it,
                   Mr. McCoy.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Neither am I, Bill.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               5.         *

15A   CONTINUED:                                                    15A
                                  DOORMAN
                   Tony, sir.   My name is Tony.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Yes, of course. Come on, Marshall.

15B   EXT. APT. BUILDING - SHERMAN - NIGHT                          15B

      is dragging Marshall out of the building as a limo pulls
      up and the immaculately-dressed POLLARD BROWNING gets
      out. He looks at Sherman, Sherman's clothes and Sherman's
      dog. He doesn't approve. As they pass each other under
      the awning...
                                 POLLARD
                   Hello, Sherman.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Good evening, Pollard.
                                 POLLARD
                   You know it's raining, don't you?
                                SHERMAN
                   Yes. As a matter of fact, I did
                   notice.
                                 POLLARD
                   Ah, Sherman. A true friend to
                   man's best friend.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Pollard, you old phrase-maker.

                                 POLLARD
                   I beg your pardon.

                                 SHERMAN
                   I mean, is that the best you can
                   do? Is that as witty as we get?

      As Pollard enters the building and Sherman drags Marshall
      away...
                                 POLLARD
                   I don't know what you're talking
                   about. And furthermore, if you
                   plan on being wet when you return,
                   I suggest you take the service
                   elevator.

16    ANGLE - PHONE BOOTH                                           16
      Sherman drags Marshall to the phone.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                 6.

16   CONTINUED:                                                         16
     They are both
     already soaking wet.         Sherman dials a number.   A woman
     answers.
                                  WOMAN (V.O.)
                           (on phone)
                  Hello?

                                  SHERMAN
                  Maria!    Hello. It's me.

                                    WOMAN (V.O.)
                  Who?
                                    SHERMAN
                  Oh.    Sorry.    May I speak to Maria?

                                    WOMAN (V.O.)
                  Who is this?
                                    SHERMAN
                  Maria?
     Brief pause, then...
                                    WOMAN (V.O.)
                  Sherman?
     Sherman is about to say "yes" when he catches himself.
                                                       CUT TO:
17   INT. McCOY APARTMENT - JUDY - NIGHT                                17

     is on the phone.
                                JUDY
                  Sherman, is that you?
18   EXT. PHONE BOOTH - SHERMAN - NIGHT                                 18

     realizes what he's done.         He freezes.   Then he hangs up.
                                    SHERMAN
                  Jesus!

19   INT. McCOY APARTMENT - JUDY - NIGHT                                19
     looks at the phone, then puts it down.

                                                       CUT TO:

20   EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SHERMAN - NIGHT                          20
     is dragging Marshal back into the building.

                                                           7.

21   INT. McCOY BEDROOM - JUDY - NIGHT                          21
     is on her exercise bike, pedaling furiously.    She can
     hear Sherman coming into the apartment.

                             SHERMAN (O.S.)
               Well, we're back!

22   ANGLE - DOG                                                22

     comes scampering into the bedroom followed by Sherman.
                             SHERMAN
               Well, you were right. I got
               soaking wet and Marshall didn't do
               anything.

     He heads for the bathroom, grabs a towel.

                             JUDY
               Sherman, if you want to talk to
               somebody named Maria, why do you
               call me instead?
     Sherman pokes his head into the room.

                              SHERMAN
               If I what?   Whatever do you mean?
                             JUDY
               Please don't lie. It makes your                       *
               forehead crinkle.                                     *
                             SHERMAN
               About what? Wait a minute.     What
               are we talking about?
                             JUDY
               You should see your face. It's a                      *
               veritable roadmap of tension and                      *
               deceit.                                               *
                             SHERMAN
               I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
               Have I missed something?
                             JUDY
               Darling, the only thing you're                        *
               missing is common sense. You're                       *
               going to stand there and tell me
               you didn't call here and ask to
               speak to some Maria?

                             SHERMAN
               Who?
                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                              8.

22   CONTINUED:                                                     22
                                JUDY
                  You think I don't know your voice?

                                SHERMAN
                  Judy, I was out walking the dog.
                  I was not on the telephone.

                                JUDY
                  Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.                             *
                                  SHERMAN
                  I'm not   lying. I took Marshal for
                  a walk,   and I come back in here
                  and wham   -- I mean I hardly know
                  what to   say. You're asking me to
                  prove a   negative proposition.

                                JUDY
                  'Negative proposition'?! Oh, God,
                  Sherman. Listen to the way I
                  sound. Listen to the stress. Can                       *
                  you hear it? I don't want to be                        *
                  this person. I don't. I am thin.
                  I am beautiful. I don't deserve
                  this.
     She gets off the bike, grabs a robe and heads for the
     door.

                                 SHERMAN
                  Judy...
                                JUDY
                  There's the phone. Why don't you
                  just call her from here? I don't
                  care. I really don't care. You
                  are cheap and rotten and a liar,                       *
                  and you are dripping on the                            *
                  Aubusson carpet.                                       *
     She goes. Sherman collapses in a chair.       He looks at
     the phone.
                                PETER (V.O.)
                  She was right, of course. And
                  Sherman knew it. Christ. How
                  could he have been so stupid? A
                  simple phone call...
                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

23   INT. McCOY APARTMENT - CAMPBELL McCOY - DAY                    23
     is running through the apartment toward the front door.
     She is seven years old.

                                                             9.

24   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              24
     descending the five-foot wide walnut staircase that leads
     from the second floor to the marble foyer. In this view,
     we can see that Sherman McCoy -- like his surroundings --
     is impeccably designed and dressed.
                             PETER (V.O.)
               The next morning, Judy's words
               were still ringing in his ears.
               Cheap. Rotten. And a liar.
               Alright. But was it really his
               fault. In a way she had brought
               it on herself, hadn't she?
     He intercepts Campbell at the foot of the stairs.

                             SHERMAN
               Campbell, honey. Are we ready?
                             CAMPBELL
               I'm out of here.
                               SHERMAN
               Slow down.    Where's your mother?

                              JUDY (O.S.)
               Campbell!
                             CAMPBELL
               She's crying on the lifecycle.
                             PETER (V.O.)
               On the lifecycle again. You see?
               Like all those other women she
               spends so much time with. So
               drawn, so pale. You could see
               lamplight through their bones...

     As Sherman picks up his briefcase and a copy of the
     newspaper, Campbell opens the door and rings for the
     elevator.

25   ANGLE - JUDY                                                 25
     approaches them looking pale and thin and drawn, dressed
     in exercise clothes, sweating and still crying. She
     looks like she's spent a sleepless night.

                             JUDY
               She won't kiss me because I'm all
               wet.

                             SHERMAN
               Campbell, kiss your mother.
     Campbell kisses Judy.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             10.

25   CONTINUED:                                                    25
                                SHERMAN
                  Judy...?

     But Judy walks away without speaking to him.      Sherman
     watches her.

26   HIS POV - JUDY'S REAR END                                     26

     looking pretty unappetizing in her soggy sweatpants.
                                PETER (V.O.)
                  He was still a young man, in the
                  season of the rising sap. He
                  deserved more than these... these
                  ... social X-rays. And she was
                  turning into one of them!

27   EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SHERMAN AND CAMPBELL - DAY          27
     come out of the building.
                                PETER (V.O.)
                  Dragging themselves to their
                  sports training classes, they keep
                  themselves so thin, they look like
                  X-ray pictures. Sports-trained to
                  death.
                                DOORMAN
                  'Morning, Mr. McCoy.
                                SHERMAN
                  'Morning, Tony.

                                 DOORMAN
                  Bill, sir.   My name is Bill.

                                SHERMAN
                  Yes, of course. Campbell, say
                  hello to Tony.

                                CAMPBELL
                  Hi, Bill.
                                DOORMAN
                  'Morning, Campbell.

     Sherman is distracted by...
28   HIS POV - ANOTHER REAR END                                    28

     Fuller, firmer and excruciatingly wrapped in a pair of
     yellow shorts that are screaming for attention.

                                                                 11.          *

28A    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                 28A
       puts Campbell on a school bus.    The bus pulls away...

                               PETER (V.O.)
                 Sherman was a master of the
                 universe. He deserved better.

                                                       CUT TO:

29     OMITTED                                                         29
thru                                                                   thru
31                                                                     31

32     INT. BOND TRADING ROOM - SHERMAN - DAY                          32
       walks into the chaos and moves through the din, a smile
       of pleasure and anticipation on his lips. We catch
       bits of conversation.
                               YOUNG    MAN
                 I said pick up the    fucking phone,
                 please. I'm asking     nice. I'm
                 asking you to pick    up the fucking
                 phone.

                               ANOTHER MAN
                 If you can't see the goddamn
                 screen, then I can't help you. If
                 you can't see what the hell we're
                 talking about, then what are we
                 talking about?!
                               THIRD MAN
                 Well, then why do you think
                 everybody's stripping the twenty
                 years?!
33     ANGLE - BLACK SHOESHINE MAN                                     33

       finishes one man's shoes, collects three dollars and
       moves on to the next. (Except for giving him the money,
       nobody registers his presence.)

                               FOURTH MAN
                 Bid eight and a half. And then I
                 want you to work hard on this,
                 see what's happening with the
                 escrow, do they forfeit or no?
                               FIFTH    MAN
                 This Goldman order    really fucked
                 things up. And the     banks are
                 calling it 73. Why     are they
                 pissing on us like    that?
                                                       (CONTINUED)

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                     12.

33    CONTINUED:                                                       33
                                 SIXTH MAN
                   Look, look, look. Let me say this
                   again so we're clear. I want the
                   turkey rice soup. I don't want the
                   chicken rice, I want the turkey
                   rice!

                                 SEVENTH MAN
                   I'm telling you somebody's painting
                   you a fucking picture! Can't you
                   see that?! I'm telling you to
                   swap them. You got all this
                   downside protection if the Jap
                   market rallies. Just do it, do
                   it, do it!

34    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                  34
      approaches his own desk, his own telephone, his own
      computer terminals. He dials a number.
                                 TAPED VOICE (V.O.)
                          (on phone)
                   Hi. This is 555-8771. Leave a                            *
                   message and I will get back to
                   you as soon as is humanly possible.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Maria, where are you? I've been
                   trying to reach you for days.
                   Please call me at the office. I
                   have to speak to you.
      RAWLIE THORPE comes running up to Sherman.
                                 RAWLIE
                   Gene's on from London.    Let's go!
                   Let's go!
                                 SHERMAN
                   Calm down, Rawlie. Let's not get
                   over-excited.
                                   RAWLIE
                   Yes, Sherman.    Sorry.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Calm. Cool. Colated. Let's not
                   lose our composure over a few
                   hundred million dollars.

                                 RAWLIE
                   Jesus Christ, Sherman.    You must
                   be made of ice.

                                                        (CONTINUED)

     BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  13.        *

34   CONTINUED:                                                    34
                                SHERMAN
                  Just remember, Rawlie. A frantic
                  salesman is a dead one. A dead
                  one, Rawlie.
35   INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY                                    35

     Sherman and several men are seated at attention facing an
     Adam bowfront cabinet. The cabinet is richly painted
     with scenes of bucolic splendor and ornate borders. On
     top of this museum piece, a black plastic SPEAKER over
     which the voice of Gene Lopwitz is addressing his
     inferiors.
                                GENE (V.O.)
                  But what the hell is this crazy
                  Giscard deal going to cost us,
                  Sherman?
                                SHERMAN
                  I need six hundred million to buy
                  up the bonds...
                                GENE (V.O.)
                         (on speaker)
                  Jesus. You want us to sit on six
                  hundred million dollars worth of
                  French government bonds?!

                                SHERMAN
                  I'm confident on this, Gene.   It's
                  a real sleeping beauty.
     A THROTTLED ROAR comes out of the SPEAKER.
                                RAWLIE
                  Where are you, Gene?

                                GENE (V.O.)
                  Tottenham Park. At a cricket
                  match. Somebody's just hit the
                  hell out of the ball. The ball's
                  kind of dead, though.
                                RAWLIE
                  Who's playing?

                                GENE (V.O.)
                  Don't get technical on me, Rawlie.
                  Bunch of nice young men in white
                  flannel pants.

                                SHERMAN
                  What do you say, Gene.   Are we in
                  or out?
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)P(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/10/90                   14.

35    CONTINUED:                                                     35
                                 GENE (V.O.)
                          (on speaker)
                   Gold has to hold steady. And if
                   the franc starts to drop...
                                 SHERMAN
                   Bernard Sachs is already in for                        *
                   three hundred million. Does that
                   make you feel better?
                                 GENE (V.O.)
                          (on speaker)
                   Sherman, you're going to make me
                   an old man.

                                 SHERMAN
                   A rich old man, Gene.   A rich old
                   man.
      Another ROAR of the CROWD comes over the SPEAKERS.
                                 GENE (V.O.)
                          (on speaker)
                   What was that? Oh. It's over.
                   Is it over? The game's over.
                   Well. That's that, I guess.
                                 SHERMAN
                   I guess you had to be there.
                   Eh, Gene?
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                            15.

35    CONTINUED:    (2)                                           35
                                  GENE (V.O.)
                           (on speaker)
                   What?   What was that?
      Sherman flips OFF the speaker.

                                 SHERMAN
                   At ease, gentlemen.
      The meeting breaks up.

36    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                             36
      moving through the bond trading room to his desk.                 *

                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   The roar enveloped him. Music to
                   his ears. The sound of educated
                   young white men baying for money
                   on the bond market. Six hundred
                   million in his hands. Six million
                   off the top for Pierce & Pierce.
                   One point seven million for
                   Sherman. All in a day's work.
                   He was there. At the top --
                   impervious, untouchable, insulated
                   by wealth and power. A great
                   height from which to view the rest
                   of the poor world. A great height
                   from which to fall.
36A   ANGLE - FAX MACHINE                                         36A   *
      SPITTING OUT the message: "Sherman, Arriving New York             *
      on the Concorde tonight. Best, Maria."                            *
37    EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - NIGHT                                37

      The sky is a labyrinth of planes taking off and landing.
38    INT. INTERNATIONAL ARRIVALS - MARIA - NIGHT                 38

      comes out of the customs area into the lobby. She is
      a vision -- young, beautiful, ultra-chic in her big-
      shouldered electric blue Norma Kamali type jacket, her
      miniskirt, her lizard shoes. The sweaty hordes of
      panting tourists all seem to part like the Red Sea as
      Maria passes through them, followed by a porter and a
      trolley full of luggage.

39    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                             39

      moving toward Maria.     They embrace clumsily.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)W(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/9/90                    16.

39    CONTINUED:                                                     39
                                 MARIA
                   Sherman, you are an absolute angel
                   coming all the way out here.
                                 SHERMAN
                   I had to talk to you. I did the
                   most stupid thing last night.

                                 MARIA
                   Oh, dear. Are we going to talk
                   about it right now?

                                  SHERMAN
                   Yes.   We have to.

                                 MARIA
                   Don't you want a little poon tang
                   first?
                                  SHERMAN
                   Maria.   Please. This is important.
                                  MARIA
                   Alright.   Tell mama all about it.
40    EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                          40
      moving off the Van Wyck and onto the Grand Central
      Parkway.
41    INT. MERCEDES - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT                      41
      Maria is laughing. She is fiddling with the back of
      Sherman's neck and chewing on his ear while her other
      hand is in his crotch. Maria is laughing.                           *
                                 SHERMAN
                   I know it has its funny side but
                   it isn't funny.
                                 MARIA
                   Well, it's your own fault for                          *
                   getting caught like a red herring.                     *
                                 SHERMAN
                   You mean red-handed.                                   *

                                 MARIA
                   That's what I said... Couldn't we                      *
                   just forget about your wife and                        *
                   go on over to our little hideaway                      *
                   on 59th Street and hide away a                         *
                   little?                                                *
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)W(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/9/90                  17.

41    CONTINUED:                                                   41
                                 SHERMAN
                   I think she knows.                                   *

                                 MARIA
                   Well, of course she knows.   That's
                   not the point.

                                SHERMAN
                   It isn't?
                                 MARIA
                   Oh, Sherman, honey. You are so
                   sweet. I could eat you alive, if
                   I could get this zipper down.
                   Sherman, aren't we supposed to
                   turn there?

                                SHERMAN
                   Where?
42    HIS POV - SIGN                                               42
      reading "Manhattan" way off to the right, several full
      lanes away.
                                 MARIA (O.S.)
                   I'm sure that's the turnoff to
                   Manhattan.

                                 SHERMAN (O.S.)
                   Well, I can't get over there now.
                   We'll have to exit and get back
                   on.

43    OMITTED                                                      43   *
44    THEIR POV - MORE SIGNS                                       44

      "EAST BRONX NEW ENGLAND" and "EAST 138TH BRUCKNER BLVD."
                                                                        *
45    EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                        45

      veers onto ramp and heads toward the 138th St. exit.              *
46    OMITTED                                                      46   *

47    EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                        47
      is suddenly off the expressway and driving at ground
      level -- a dark street, piled at one side with car                *
      tires -- totally bleak.                                           *

)W(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/9/90                   18.
                                                                         *
48    INT. MERCEDES - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT                     48
                              MARIA
                Sherman, where are we?

                              SHERMAN
                We're in the Bronx.

                              MARIA
                What does that mean?
                              SHERMAN
                It means we're going north. All I
                need to do is make a left and go                         *
                west and find a street back to
                Manhattan.

49    EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                         49

      makes a right out of the traffic and suddenly...
50    ANGLE - STREET LIFE                                           50
      surrounds the car -- people, MUSIC, cars, colors.   A
      boulevard of dizzy sounds and sights.

                                                                19.

51   INT. MERCEDES - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT                        51
     As it stops for a red light.

                                 MARIA
                  Sherman?
                                 SHERMAN
                  Yes, Maria.

                                MARIA
                  Where are all the white people?

     A LOUD SCREAM.
52   THEIR POV - PIMP                                                 52

     is being pursued by a prostitute. She is stoned, moving
     in slow motion, screaming. She grabs him from behind;
     he elbows her in the stomach. She falls to her knees
     right in front of the Mercedes.
53   ANOTHER ANGLE                                                    53
                                  SHERMAN
                  Christ.    She's not touching the car,
                  is she?
                                MARIA
                  Sherman, I'm from the South and
                  I'm beginning not to like this
                  very much.
54   PROSTITUTE                                                       54
     leans on the hood of the car, stands up and continues her
     pursuit of the pimp.
55   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                  55

     leans out the window.
                                SHERMAN
                  Excuse me, please don't touch the
                  car.
56   ANGLE - MARIA AND SHERMAN                                        56

                                MARIA
                  Sherman, get us out of here.                             *
                                SHERMAN
                  I have a red light.

     A face appears at the window next to Maria.      A YOUNG
     LATIN MAN. He laughs.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                              20.

56   CONTINUED:                                                     56
                                 YOUNG MAN
                  Hey, baby.   We having a party?

     Maria leans toward Sherman and presses her foot down on
     the accelerator. The car jerks into motion.

                                SHERMAN
                  Maria!
                                MARIA
                  Drive, Sherman. Just drive.

57   EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                          57
     leaps across the intersection and continues down the
     boulevard.

58   INT. MERCEDES - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT                      58
                                SHERMAN
                  Look, there's no need to panic.
                                MARIA
                  That's what you think. I have
                  all my luggage with me.
                                SHERMAN
                  I just don't want to do anything
                  stupid. If we keep our heads,
                  we'll be perfectly fine.
                                MARIA
                  Christ. We're in the middle of
                  a goddamn war zone and you're
                  worried about doing the right
                  thing. Look! There!

59   EXT. STREET - SIGN                                             59
     reads "895 EAST GEO. WASH. BRIDGE." And just beyond the
     sign, a ramp leading up to the expressway.

                               MARIA (O.S.)
                  There! George Washington Bridge,
                  you see it?!

60   INT. MERCEDES - ANGLE THROUGH WINDSHIELD - SHERMAN AND         60
     MARIA - NIGHT
     As Sherman pulls toward the ramp. Another pothole jolts
     the car. Maria's luggage flies forward, hitting Sherman
     in the back of his neck. At the same time, Maria sees
     something in the road ahead of them.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                              21.

60   CONTINUED:                                                     60
                                 MARIA
                  Sherman!   What's that?!

     Sherman hits the brake.      The CAR stalls and comes to a
     SCREECHING halt.

                                 MARIA
                  It's a body.
                                SHERMAN
                  It looks like...

                                MARIA
                  It's an animal.

                                SHERMAN
                  I think it's a...
                                 MARIA
                  Is it dead?
                                SHERMAN
                  It's a wheel, that's all.   It's
                  a tire.
                                MARIA
                  It's a dead tire!
                                SHERMAN
                  Calm down, Maria. Please. It's
                  a tire and some ash cans or
                  something.
     Sherman starts to get out of the car.
                                MARIA
                  What are you doing?!

                                SHERMAN
                  Well, I can't drive around it, can I?

                                MARIA
                  You're going to move it?
                               SHERMAN
                  Yes. That's exactly what I'm going
                  to do.
                                MARIA
                  For God's sake, be careful of your
                  shoes.

61   EXT. MERCEDES - SHERMAN - NIGHT                                61
     gets out of the car.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                                22.

61   CONTINUED:                                                       61
     He leaves the door open. Above him, the tremendous
     CLANGING noise of CARS POUNDING along the expressway.
     But he can't see them. He can only hear them and feel
     their vibration. He stands there a moment, taking in the
     strangeness of the place and of his own situation -- the
     tire, Maria, his wife, his life. A little chill of lone-
     liness hits him. He shakes it off and walks to the tire
     -- a simple, inevitable move toward a destiny he could
     never have imagined.
62   ANGLE - TIRE                                                     62

     as Sherman approaches. He tries to pick it up without
     getting his suit messed up. Suddenly...

                                MARIA (O.S.)
                  Sherman!
     He turns, tire in his hands and sees...
63   HIS POV - TWO FIGURES                                            63
     walking toward him. One big, young, powerfully built
     (ROLAND AUBURN). He looks dangerous. The other slight,
     hesitant, a few steps behind the first one (HENRY LAMB).
     They are both black.
                                 ROLAND
                  Yo!   Need some help?
64   QUICK CUTS - SCENE                                               64
     Sherman is standing there holding the tire.      The two
     young men are moving steadily toward him.
                                ROLAND
                  What happened, man? You need some
                  help?
                               SHERMAN
                  No thanks. Hi. No, I don't think
                  so. No. Thank you very much.
     Sherman is confused. He doesn't move. Maria gets behind
     the wheel of the car. Roland reaches slowly into his
     jacket pocket. He smiles and keeps moving toward Sherman.
     Sherman sees the hand moving out of the jacket pocket.
     He is still frozen. Maria BLOWS the HORN. Sherman wakes
     up finally.

                                 SHERMAN
                  Excuse me.   I have to go.
                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                            23.

64   CONTINUED:                                                   64
     He starts to move toward the car, still carrying the tire.
     Roland steps in front of him. They both keep moving.

                                ROLAND
                  Where you going with that tire?

                               SHERMAN
                  Oh. Is this yours? Here.    You
                  take it.
     Sherman pushes the tire toward Roland. Roland pushes it
     back at him. Sherman throws up his arms. The tire
     bounces off his arms and knocks Roland down.
                                SHERMAN
                  Oh. Sorry.   I'm sorry, I didn't
                  mean to...
65   ANGLE - MARIA                                                65
     HONKS the HORN again and drives the car toward Sherman.
66   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              66

     turns toward the car, and bumps into Henry.     They both
     fall down.
67   ANGLE - ROLAND                                               67

     gets to his feet and moves toward the car.
68   ANGLE - MARIA                                                68
     opens the car door for Sherman.
                                MARIA
                  Sherman, get in this car.

69   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              69
     jumps into the car, pulls the door shut and hits the lock
     mechanism just as...
70   ANGLE - ROLAND                                               70

     grabs the door handle on Maria's side.    Maria SQUEALS
     ahead.
71   ANGLE - CAR                                                  71

     jerks into motion. But it is now sideways on the ramp
     and almost hits the guardrail.

                                                            24.

72   ANGLE - MARIA                                                72
     hits the brakes and puts the car into reverse.

                             SHERMAN
               Look out!
73   ANGLE - ROLAND                                               73

     is charging toward the car with the tire.    He throws it
     at the windshield.
74   ANGLE - MARIA                                                74

     SQUEALS into first gear as the tire bounces off the
     windshield.

75   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              75

     looks back at the flying tire and sees...
76   HIS POV - HENRY                                              76
     moving around the rear end of the car.
77   ANGLE - MARIA AND SHERMAN                                    77
     Maria pulls the wheel hard to the right.     The car
     fishtails.
                              SHERMAN
               Be careful.   There's...
     But before he can say it, a loud, dead sound -- THOK!
     Sherman looks back...

78   HIS POV - REAR OF CAR                                        78
     as before -- except that Henry is gone.     Roland is run-
     ning after the car.
79   ANGLE - SHERMAN AND MARIA                                    79

     moving too fast up the ramp toward the traffic on the
     expressway. Maria hits the brakes and then GUNS the gas.
80   EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                        80

     The car careens recklessly into the traffic. Other cars
     swerve and BLOW their HORNS as the Mercedes forces its
     way into the flow of traffic heading toward Manhattan.

81   ANGLE                                                        81

     A sign above the traffic reading "Manhattan."

                                                         25.

82   EXT. MERCEDES - NIGHT                                     82
     pulls off the Drive onto 59th Street. The car pulls into       *
     a parking space. Sherman and Maria get out. They move
     toward a brownstone apartment building.
                             SHERMAN
               I wonder if we should report this
               to the police.

                             MARIA
               The police?

                             SHERMAN
               I mean we were almost robbed and I
               think maybe it's possible you... we
               hit one of them. There was this kind
               of... There was this sound. Did you
               hear it? Like we hit one of them.
                             MARIA
               Did you see him get hit?
                             SHERMAN
               No.

                             MARIA
               Neither did I. So if the question
               ever comes up, all that happened
               was, two boys blocked the road
               and tried to rob us and we got
               away. That's all we know.
     They go into...
83   INT. BROWNSTONE - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT               83
     climbing the stairs.

                             SHERMAN
               But if we called the police now...
                             MARIA
               Yes, let's call them and invite
               them over here to our little love
               nest. They would love to get
               their hands on us. The police
               and the press and all the rest of
               the 'mediarites.'
                             SHERMAN
               Meteorites?

                                               (CONTINUED)

                                                               26.

83   CONTINUED:                                                      83
                                MARIA
                  Yes. Newspapers, radios,
                  televisions. I can see it   now.
                  Mr. Sherman McCoy of Park  Avenue
                  and Mrs. Arthur Ruskin of  Fifth
                  Avenue, recuperating after  their
                  adventures in the Bronx --
                  explain that to your wife.
                                 SHERMAN
                  Yes.   You have a point.

     Maria unlocks the door and they go into...
84   INT. MARIA'S APARTMENT - SHERMAN AND MARIA - NIGHT              84

                                SHERMAN
                  I'd just feel better if...
     Maria drops everything and turns on him...
                                MARIA
                  You don't have to feel better,
                  Sherman. I was the one who
                  was driving. And I'm saying
                  I didn't hit anybody, and I'm
                  not reporting anything to the
                  police! And if you are a
                  gentleman, you will support
                  me in that decision.
     Silence. They are both out of breath. They look at
     each other. Then Maria starts to unbutton her blouse.

                                MARIA
                         (very sexy now)
                  We were in the jungle... we were
                  attacked... we fought our way
                  out.
                                 SHERMAN
                  It's true.   We could have been
                  killed.
                                 MARIA
                  We fought.   I feel like an animal.

                                SHERMAN
                  You drove the hell out of that
                  car.

                                MARIA
                  The hard part was getting into the
                  seat, getting over that gear shift.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                    27.

84    CONTINUED:                                                      84
      She opens his shirt.    She is suddenly all over him.

                                 SHERMAN
                   It was instinct.
                                   MARIA
                   That tire...

                                 SHERMAN
                   He was big... wasn't he?

                                 MARIA
                   You were bigger, Sherman.    You
                   were great...

                                 SHERMAN
                   We were both great.
                                 MARIA
                   This could be the best sex we've
                   had in a long time.
                                   SHERMAN
                   I don't know.    I still think...
                                 MARIA
                   Don't think, Sherman.    Don't think.
                   Just fuck.

      They do.
85    INT. COURTROOM - STATUE - DAY                                   85
      A thirty foot rendition of "blind justice" -- a gigantic
      woman with the scales of justice in one hand and a bronze
      sword in the other.

                                 JUDGE WHITE (O.S.)                        *
                   Mr. Sonenberg!?!
86    ANGLE - JUDGE LEONARD WHITE - DAY                               86   *

      is up on the bench leaning forward, chin down, eyes
      blazing, his bony skull and beaked nose sticking out
      of his robes -- he looks like a buzzard perched for
      take-off.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                               *
                   Where is Mister Son-nenberg?

87    ANGLE - COURTROOM                                               87

      in chaos --
                                                       (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90              28.

87    CONTINUED:                                                87
      -- children running about as if they were in a day care
      center, clumps of people in the spectator section waiting
      their turn, people talking, going in and out paying
      little attention to the Judge until...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                         *
                   Where the hell is Mister
                   Son-nen-berg!!!
      Everyone freezes -- including the kids.

88    ANGLE - JUDGE WHIT                                        88   *
      addresses the DEFENDANT.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                         *
                   Alright, Mr. Lockwood, you sit
                   down. And if and when your lawyer
                   deigns to favor us with his
                   presence...
                                 LOCKWOOD (DEFENDANT)
                   Two to six, Judge.

      He points at Ray Andriutti, the assistant D.A.
                                 LOCKWOOD
                   Two weeks ago he told me two to
                   six...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                         *
                   Mr. Lockwood...
                                 LOCKWOOD
                   Two to six or we go to trial...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                         *
                   Nobody wants to go to trial, Mr.
                   Lockwood.
                                 LOCKWOOD
                   I'll go to trial.
                                 JUDGE WHITE                         *
                   Listen, you son of a bitch.
                   You're a nice boy, you're young,
                   you got a lot going for you. Try
                   to understand me. We got 7,000
                   felony indictments in the Bronx
                   every year. And we got room for
                   650 trials. And you are not going
                   to be one of them.
                                 LOCKWOOD
                   I go to trial.

)R(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/8/90                 29.

89    ANGLE - JED KRAMER                                          89   *
      coming into the courtroom and moving toward Ray
      Andriutti.

90    ANGLE - WHITE                                               90
                              JUDGE WHITE
                You go sit down, that's what you
                go do! And when your asshole
                lawyer shows up, you're gonna take
                whatever plea bargain we give you
                and you're gonna kiss my ass and
                thank me that I didn't put you
                away for twenty-five years.
                Which, if this case ever did come
                to trial is exactly what you would
                get. Now get out of my face.

91    ANGLE - KRAMER                                              91
      sits at the table next to Ray Andriutti. As they talk,
      Kramer takes a pair of black shoes out of a plastic bag.
      He takes off the Reeboks that he's wearing and puts the
      shoes on.

                              KRAMER
                       (referring to Lockwood)
                What did he do?
                              RAY
                He pulled a knife on a seventy-
                year-old lady, robbed her, raped
                her and then shoved her in a
                garbage can.

                             KRAMER
                Jesus.

                              RAY
                       (laughs)
                Welcome to the South Bronx.

92    ANGLE - THE SCENE                                           92
      as the Clerk announces the next case.

                              CLERK
                People versus Harold Williams.
                Indictment number 294721.                              *
                              JUDGE WHITE
                This case was dismissed three
                weeks ago.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                30.

92    CONTINUED:                                                  92
                                 RAY
                          (to Kramer)
                   Go get him, tiger.
                                KRAMER
                   Shit.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                           *
                   What is this case doing here?
                                 KRAMER
                   May I approach the bench, Your Honor?
                                 JUDGE WHITE                           *
                   Who the hell are you?

                                 KRAMER
                   Uh, Kramer, sir. Assistant
                   District...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                           *
                   You're new here, Mr. Kramer. Let
                   me explain something to you.
                   This case is what we call a piece
                   of shit. Which means, loosely
                   translated, that you have no
                   evidence.
                                 KRAMER
                   Your Honor, the District Attorney,
                   Mr. Weiss...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                           *
                   I know who the district attorney
                   is. I know Mr. Weiss. And the
                   only reason Mr. Weiss is interested
                   in the case is because Mr. Williams
                   over there is a white man who lives
                   in a nice big house in Riverdale.
                                 KRAMER
                   I don't follow, sir...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                           *
                   Because this is an election year.
                   Because ninety-nine percent of the
                   people you shovel through here are
                   black and the other ninety-nine
                   percent don't even speak English.
                   But they do vote.
                                 (MORE)

                                                   (CONTINUED)

)P(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/10/90                   31.

92    CONTINUED:    (2)                                              92
                                 JUDGE WHITE (CONT'D)
                   So Mr. Weiss, your boss, the
                   District Attorney -- who dreams
                   every night that someday he is
                   going to be mayor of New York City
                   -- what he needs is a white man.
                   He needs to find him, book him,
                   and throw him in jail. Then he
                   looks good to everybody. The
                   press likes it, the voters like
                   it, even your mother will like it.
                   You follow me now, Mr. Kramer?
                                 KRAMER
                   Yes, Your Honor.

                                 JUDGE WHITE
                   So you go tell your boss, the
                   district attorney, Captain Ahab
                   Weiss that I know he's out there
                   looking for the great white
                   defendent... but Mr. Williams over
                   there is not it.

93    INT. CORRIDOR - KRAMER AND ANDRIUTTI - DAY                     93   *
      come out of the courtroom.                                          *
                                 RAY
                          (sarcastic)
                   Don't take it personally.
                                   KRAMER
                   Thanks.
                                 RAY
                   Maybe he didn't like your shoes.

                                 VOICE (O.S.)
                   Are you Andriutti?

94    ANGLE TO INCLUDE DETECTIVES A.J. MARTIN AND STEWART            94
      GOLDBERG
                                   RAY
                   Yeah.   What?

                                 MARTIN
                   I'm Martin. This is Detective
                   Goldberg. We just come from
                   Lincoln Hospital. You got a
                   minute?
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)P(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/10/90                    32.

94    CONTINUED:                                                      94
                                 RAY                                       *
                   Yeah, what do you got?                                  *

      They move down the corridor.                                         *
                                 MARTIN
                   We got a kid named Henry Lamb,                          *
                   showed up at the hospital last                          *
                   night with a broken wrist.                              *
                                  RAY
                   So?                                                     *
                                 MARTIN
                   So they fixed him up in the                             *
                   emergency room and they sent him                        *
                   home.
                                  RAY                                      *
                   So?
                                 MARTIN
                   So this morning his     mother brings
                   him back, he's got a     concussion.
                   He goes into a coma     and now they
                   classify him likely     to die.
                                 KRAMER
                   You talked to him?
                                  MARTIN
                   No.   He was already out.
                                 GOLDBERG
                   He's in a coma.
                                  KRAMER
                   Oh, yeah.                                               *
                                 MARTIN
                   No. There's a nurse there      busting
                   my balls. She says the kid      told
                   his mother he was hit by a     car. A
                   Mercedes. And the car left      the
                   scene.

                                  GOLDBERG
                   Hit and run.
                                 KRAMER
                   The mother tell you this, too?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

)P(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/10/90                     33.

94    CONTINUED:    (2)                                                94
                                 MARTIN
                   The mother won't talk to us.
                   She's got a shitload of parking
                   tickets and she doesn't want to
                   talk to the police.

                                 RAY
                   So why are you coming to us? You
                   got a victim who's unconscious,
                   you got no witness, no driver --
                   you got what we call here a piece
                   of shit. Ain't that right, Mr.
                   Kramer?
      Martin and Goldberg look at each other.

                                 MARTIN
                   What we got here is a problem.
                                 GOLDBERG
                   You ever hear of Reverend Bacon?
                                RAY
                   Oh, no. Not me. Kramer, this is
                   all yours. I'll see you gentlemen
                   later.
      Andruitti turns and goes.

                                                      CUT TO:
95    OMITTED                                                          95   *
&                                                                      &
96                                                                     96   *
97    INT. REV. BACON'S CHURCH (HARLEM) - CLOSE ON CHOIR OF            97
      BLACK WOMEN - DAY

      in the middle of a hymn.
      PULL BACK to include:      Rev. Bacon in the middle of a
      tirade.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                              34.

97   CONTINUED:                                                     97
                                BACON
                  This is a tragedy. A fine young
                  man has been struck down. God-
                  fearing, church-going, never in
                  trouble, graduating from high
                  school, ready for college -- and
                  somebody comes along -- some rich
                  white people in a rich white man's
                  car and wham! They run him down
                  and never even stop. Now what are
                  we going to do about these parking
                  tickets?
     PULL BACK to include Kramer, Martin and Goldberg.       Kramer
     is thrown.

                                KRAMER
                  Well, uh... first of all, Reverend
                  ... Is it Reverend?
                                BACON
                  Is, was, and always will be.
                                KRAMER
                  First of all, Reverend, we have
                  no evidence of...
                                BACON
                  This is your evidence...
98   ANGLE TO INCLUDE MRS. ANNIE LAMB                               98
     coming up the aisle behind them.                                    *

                                KRAMER
                  Oh, sorry, ma'am. I didn't see...

                                BACON
                  Mrs. Lamb is not speaking to the
                  police. Until we have proper
                  counsel, I will speak for her.

                                KRAMER
                  Alright, then. Let me see if I
                  have this straight. The boy was
                  hit by a car...

                                BACON
                  On Bruckner Boulevard. Innocently
                  walking along, minding his own
                  business... A clear case of
                  hit-and-run.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            35.

98   CONTINUED:                                                   98
                                KRAMER
                  No, Reverend. I'm sorry. But you
                  see, you have no witness. Without
                  a witness, there's no case of
                  anything at all.

                                BACON
                  You got what he told his mother.
                                KRAMER
                  That's hearsay. You may believe
                  it and I may believe it, but it's
                  not admissable in a court of law.
                                BACON
                  If this boy was born on Park Avenue
                  and he was run down by two niggers
                  in a Pontiac Firebird, then you'd
                  have a case! Wouldn't you?!
                                MARTIN
                  I work Park Avenue and I work
                  Bruckner Boulevard, Reverend.
                  There's good and bad in both
                  places. Now we'll do everything
                  we can for this lady. But we don't
                  have a hell of a lot to go on.
                                BACON
                  Gentlemen, I want you to make an
                  investment here. An investment in
                  steam control.
                                KRAMER
                  Steam control?
                                BACON
                  That's right. Steam control.
                  Because a righteous steam is building
                  up in the souls of my people and
                  that steam is ready to blow.

                                 KRAMER
                  I see.   Well...

                                BACON
                  Now, on judgment day, I am your
                  safety valve. Because when it
                  blows -- and it will, my friend --
                  how grateful you will be that I
                  am on your side -- the one nigger
                  who can control the steam and save
                  your lily white ass from being
                  burned off the face of the earth
                  so to speak.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                               36.

98    CONTINUED:    (2)                                              98
                                 KRAMER
                   You think this car was driven by
                   a white man, huh?
                                 BACON
                   I seldom think. I just plain                            *
                   know.                                                   *

                                 KRAMER
                   Well, Reverend. I'll see what I
                   can do.

      Kramer, Martin and Goldberg start to go.    Bacon puts his
      arm around Mrs. Lamb.

                                 BACON
                   The next time you gentlemen hear
                   from us, it will be through our
                   lawyer.
      Mrs. Lamb goes to Kramer.
                                 MRS. LAMB
                   He said it started with an 'R.'
                   That was the first letter. The
                   second letter was an 'E' or a 'B'
                   or maybe a 'P.' Those were the
                   first two letters of the license
                   plate. If that's any help to you.
99    EXT. ROAD - LICENSE PLATE - DAY                                99
      of Sherman's Mercedes -- RPH 633.

100   ANGLE - CAR                                                    100
      approaching Southampton.

101   INT. CAR - SHERMAN                                             101
      is driving. Judy and Campbell are with him.        No one is
      talking. Then...
                                 SHERMAN
                   We should move out here.

      No response.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Have you ever thought, I mean,
                   what if we moved out of New York?
                   What do you think?
                                 JUDY
                   About what?
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                              37.         *

101   CONTINUED:                                                    101
                                 SHERMAN
                   Do you think we could leave New
                   York?
                                JUDY
                   No.

                                 SHERMAN
                   My father did it.
                                 JDUY
                   You are not your father.
                                 PETER FALLOW (V.O.)
                   She knew how to hurt a guy. No.
                   He was nothing like his father.
                   His father, the lion of Dunning,
                   Sponget and Leach. His father, who
                   took the subway to work every day
                   of his life. His father, who still
                   believed in principals and ethics,
                   whose repeated lessons concerning
                   duty, debt and responsibility had
                   whistled through his son's head.
                   No. Sherman McCoy was nothing like
                   his father.
102   EXT. BEACH HOUSE - PORCH - DAY                                102

      Sherman and Judy are having drinks with Sherman's FATHER
      and MOTHER. Over the following, Campbell is tugging at
      Judy's sleeve, asking repeatedly, "But what does he do?
      What does Daddy do?!" To which, Judy replies, "He sells
      bonds." Sherman is, at the same time, searching through
      a newspaper for any news of the accident.
                                 MRS. McCOY (MOTHER)
                   ... And she said to me, 'I like my
                   older customers best of all.
                   They're the only ones who drink
                   anymore.'

      Everyone laughs.
                                 MRS. McCOY
                   'My older customers!'

                                 MR. McCOY (FATHER)
                   She thought you were twenty-five.
                          (to Judy)
                   All of a sudden I'm married to a
                   white ribbon.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             38.

102   CONTINUED:                                                   102
                                 JUDY
                   Sherman, what are you looking for
                   in that newspaper?
                                  SHERMAN
                   Nothing.   I... uh... no, nothing
                   special.

                                 CAMPBELL
                   But what's a bond?

                                 MRS. McCOY
                          (delighted)
                   Oh, yes, Sherman, do explain it.

                                 MR. McCOY
                   Yes. Your mother and I really
                   want to hear this, Sherman.
                                 SHERMAN
                   A bond is a way of lending   people
                   money.  Let's say you want   to
                   build a road or a hospital   and you
                   need a lot of money. Well,    you
                   issue a bond...
                                 CAMPBELL
                   Do you build roads?

                                 SHERMAN
                   No, I don't actually build them...
                                 MR. McCOY
                   I think you're in over your head.
      More laughter.

                                 JUDY
                   Here. Let me try. Darling, Daddy
                   doesn't build roads or hospitals
                   or anything, really. Daddy just
                   handles the bonds for the people
                   who raise the money.
                                 CAMPBELL
                   That's what he said. Bonds.

                                 JUDY
                   Yes. See, just imagine that a
                   bond is a slice of cake. Now you
                   didn't bake that cake, but every
                   time you hand somebody a slice of
                   that cake, a little bit comes off,
                   little crumbs fall off. And you're
                   allowed to keep those crumbs.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                          39.

102   CONTINUED:    (2)                                         102
                                  SHERMAN
                   Crumbs?   Really...

                                 MR. McCOY
                          (pointedly)
                   And many a man has sold his soul
                   for those little crumbs.

                                 JUDY
                          (enjoying this)
                   Yes. And that's what Daddy does.
                   He passes somebody else's cake
                   around and picks up the crumbs.
                   But you have to imagine a lot of
                   crumbs. And a great golden cake.
                   And a lot of golden crumbs. And
                   you have to imagine Daddy running
                   around picking up every little
                   golden crumb he can get his hands
                   on. That's what Daddy does.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Well, you can call them crumbs
                   if you want to...
                                 JUDY
                   That's the best I can do.   Excuse
                   me.

      She gets up abruptly and leaves. Mrs. McCoy goes after
      Judy. Sherman and his father sit there without talking.
      Then...
                                 MR. McCOY
                   Of course, in my day, there was
                   some integrity to it...

                                    SHERMAN
                   Yes.   Well...
                                 MR. McCOY
                   Now it's not about anything, is
                   it? Except the money.
                                 SHERMAN
                   I don't make the rules.

                                 MR. McCOY
                   All the more reason not to play
                   the game.

                                 SHERMAN
                   We're having a little... It's
                   nothing serious. Really.

103   OMITTED                                                   103   *

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                40.

104    INT. LEICESTER'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON PETER FALLOW -       104
       NIGHT

       Peter's face is flat on the bar. He looks bad -- drunk,
       out of shape, disheveled and probably unclean.
                               PETER (V.O.)
                 Of course, up to this point in our
                 story, I was blissfully ignorant.
                 I had no idea of the storm that
                 was gathering. Never even heard
                 of Sherman McCoy. Hadn't the
                 faintest notion that soon his name
                 would be inexorably tied to mine.
                 That his fate would be inextricably
                 bound to my own destiny.

104A   ANGLE - BARTENDER                                           104A

       nudges Peter awake and puts three drinks into Peter's
       hands. Peter staggers away from the bar, carrying the
       drinks.
                               PETER (V.O.)
                 I had my own problems. And I
                 simply had no idea that Sherman
                 McCoy was the solution I was
                 looking for.
105    ANGLE - CAROLINE HEFTSHANK AND FILIPPO CHIRAZZI             105    *

       enter the restaurant. He is handsome and young. She is
       older and not as pretty as he is. Peter intercepts them.
                               PETER
                 Caroline. You devil.    Come and
                 have a drink with us.
                                 CAROLINE
                 Peter.    You pig. I'm with someone.
       Peter steers them to a table filled with people.

                              PETER
                 Yes. And a very pretty someone he
                 is, too.

                               CAROLINE
                        (introducing them)
                 This is Filippo Chirazzi, the artist.
                 This is Peter Fallow, the has-been.

                                PETER
                 Enchante.   We're a little crowded.
                                (MORE)
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                                41.

105   CONTINUED:                                                      105
                                 PETER (CONT'D)
                   Why don't you squeeze in next to
                   Billy Cortez. Billy, you keep your
                   hands to yourself. Now, Filippo,
                   you sit down on top of Billy and
                   I'll see if I can get Caroline to
                   sit down on my face.

      Peter sits in a chair and tries to pull Caroline into his
      lap. Caroline grabs Filippo.

                                 CAROLINE
                   No thanks, Peter. The last time I
                   sat on your face, I ended up with
                   a yeast infection.

      They leave.    Peter laughs and almost falls off his chair.
106   ANGLE - GERALD MOORE                                            106
      standing over Peter.
                                 MOORE
                   Good evening, Peter.
                                 PETER
                          (shocked)
                   Gerald. Well. Hello.

      He tries to get up.
                                 MOORE
                   No, don't get up. You know my
                   daughter, don't you?
                                    PETER
                   Yes.   Evelyn.    How are you?

                                    EVELYN
                   Lovely.

                                 MOORE
                          (to Eveyln)
                   This is one of my invisible
                   employees. One of the many
                   journalists who are supposed to
                   be writing for my newspaper.
                   You're very fortunate to see him
                   because I hardly ever do.

      Peter struggles to his feet.

                                 PETER
                   Gerald, have a drink.     Please,
                   I can explain.
                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                         42.

106   CONTINUED:                                               106
                                 MOORE
                   Thanks, no. We're having a
                   private little dinner in the back.
                                   PETER
                   Ah.   Yes.   Well...

      As they move across the room...
                                 MOORE
                   You know, I was at a dinner party                 *
                   last night. And in the middle of
                   the pudding, this four-year-old                   *
                   child came in pulling a toy wagon
                   around the table and on the wagon
                   was a fresh turd. Her own, I
                   suppose. And the parents just
                   shook their heads and smiled.
                                  PETER
                   Incroyable!
                                 MOORE
                   I've made a big investment in you,
                   Peter. Time and money. And it's
                   not working. Now I could just
                   shake my head and smile. But in
                   my house, when a turd appears, we
                   deal with it. We dispose of it.
                   We flush it away. We don't put it
                   on the table and call it caviar.
                                 PETER
                   I see. Yes. Yes, of course.
                   Well, I am on to something right
                   now... and I think I've got...
                   it's just a matter of... this is
                   something that is really going to
                   break open!
      Moore just looks at him.       Then...

                                 MOORE
                   I sincerely hope so, Fallow. I
                   sincerely hope so. Come, Evelyn.

      They march into the back room of the restaurant.
                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   It was the end of the road for me.
                   I could see it coming. See it
                   coming? Christ, it was here!

)U(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/11/90                43.

107   EXT. STREET - PETER FALLOW - DAWN                           107
      is sitting on a park bench. He's been up all night. He
      staggers across the street into the City Light newspaper
      office...
                              PETER (V.O.)
                I'd had my chance and I'd blown it
                away in a bottle. It was over.
                And I had to face up to that fact.
108   INT. FALLOW'S BEDROOM - PETER - MORNING                     108   *

      In bed.                                                           *
                              PETER (V.O.)
                I could always go back home.
                Small town, small newspaper. Or
                I could take the time off, write
                a novel or two. Or I could slit
                my wrists. This last suggestion
                actually seemed the most appealing
                because, in fact, it required the
                least amount of effort.
      The TELEPHONE RINGS.
                              PETER (V.O.)
                And then the telephone rang.
      He answers.
                               PETER
                Hello?   Peter Fallow speaking.
                                                  CUT TO:
109   INT. LIMOUSINE - ALBERT FOX - MORNING                       109

      is on the phone. His ASSISTANT sits next to him typing
      into a word processor. The car is a mini-office.
                              FOX
                Peter? Albert Fox. Yeah. You
                sound terrific. Any pulse? Ha.
                Ha! I called the office, but                            *
                nobody seemed to know where you                         *
                were or even who you were.                              *
                Anything I should know?                                 *
                              PETER                                     *
                Nothing to know, I'm working at                         *
                home today, that's all.                                 *

                                                  (CONTINUED)

)U(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/11/90                44.

109    CONTINUED:                                                  109
                                  FOX
                    Good, good, good. I got something                     *
                    I want to talk to you about, Peter.
                    I think there's a hell of a story
                    in it...

110    OMITTED                                                     110
thru                                                               thru
114A                                                               114A
114B   INT. TV SET - HOSPITAL ROOM - ALBERT FOX - DAY              114B

       is standing by a bed.
       In the bed is a midget -- a man. He has a bandage around
       his head. Standing with Albert is another midget -- a
       woman. She is crying.
                                  ALBERT
                    ... and the cause of these little
                    people will always be dear to my
                    heart, whether it be discrimination
                    or job security or simply the right
                    to have urinals at the proper
                    height so that accidents like this
                    do not happen.
       PULL BACK to include: Two DOCTORS (McDonald Carey and
       Dr. Hunter), a newspaper reporter (Jennifer Horton) and
       Jack Devereaux.
                                  JENNIFER                                *
                    Have you ever thought of giving                       *
                    up the law and becoming an actor?                     *
                                  ALBERT                                  *
                    I am an actor.                                        *

                                  JACK                                    *
                    And a damn good one too.                              *

                                  ALBERT                                  *
                    Well, thank you.                                      *
       Albert shakes hands.                                               *

                                  ALBERT
                    When the rights of any people are
                    threatened -- no matter how big or
                    how small -- Albert Fox will always
                    be on the case.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

)U(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/11/90                    A44A.

114B   CONTINUED:                                                    114B
                                  DOCTOR
                    Your help is greatly appreciated,
                    Albert. Not only by us but by
                    all Americans.
       They shake hands. Albert then picks up the midget woman
       and kisses her on the cheek.

                                  VOICE FROM BOOTH (O.S.)
                    And cut. Thank you, ladies and
                    gentlemen. And thank you, Albert
                    Fox, for being our guest.
114C   ANGLE - STUDIO                                                114C

       As everyone applauds.     Albert shakes hands and moves
       toward...
114D   ANGLE - PETER FALLOW                                          114D
       on the sidelines, looking through a folder of papers.
                                  FOX
                           (approaching)
                    Cute, aren't they?
                                  PETER
                    Uh... yes.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

)U(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/11/90                    44A.

114D   CONTINUED:                                                       114D
                                  FOX
                    And they weigh a ton. You want a
                    drink? You look like you could
                    use one.
                                      PETER
                    No.   No.   No.    No. No.   Thanks.
                    No.
       Fox's Assistant approaches.        They all move toward the exit.       *

                                  ASSISTANT                                    *
                    Do you want to cancel City                                 *
                    College?                                                   *

                                  FOX                                          *
                    No. I got to do it. It's                                   *
                    important.                                                 *
                           (to Peter)                                          *
                    For one thing, it's the only place                         *
                    I can still get laid. These girls                          *
                    all want to sleep with their fathers.                      *
                    And if you're old and famous, and                          *
                    you know how to use a condom they'll                       *
                    fuck your brains out.                                      *

)U(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/11/90              45.

114E   EXT. STUDIO - NIGHT                                       114E
       Fox, Peter and the Assistant come outside and descend            *
       the escalator..                                                  *

                               FOX                                      *
                 You look at the Henry Lamb
                 material?

                               PETER
                 Well, yeah, but... Look, it's an
                 unfortunate situation. But I'm
                 not altogether sure there's a story
                 in it.
                               FOX
                 A poor, innocent black kid, walking
                 down the street, minding his own
                 business. And boom! Hit and run.
                 There's a story in it for somebody,
                 Peter. The black community is up
                 in arms. And I'm telling you, when
                 Reverend Bacon gets a feather in
                 his ass, the shit flies high.
                               PETER
                 I see. Yes, but what's your
                 interest exactly?
                               FOX
                 I'm a lawyer, Peter. I want to see
                 justice done. That's all. And, of
                 course, Reverend Bacon is a friend
                 of mine. This would be good for
                 him. And knowing a little about                        *
                 your situation, I thought if you
                 were the one to break the story...
                                 PETER
                 My situation?
                                                 (CONTINUED)

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                      46.

114E   CONTINUED:                                                         114E
                                  FOX
                    Your boss was at my house for
                    dinner the other night. He said a
                    few things...
       Fox and the assistant get into the limo.          Peter follows.

                                     PETER
                    I see.
114F   INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT                                             114F

       The Assistant fixes Fox a drink from a portable bar.
       Fox throws it down and gives the glass back to the
       Assistant.

                                  PETER
                    Do you have a daughter?
                                      FOX
                    Yes.    I do.    A little girl.
                                  PETER
                    Does she have a little toy wagon?

                                    FOX
                    Yes.    I think she does.    Yes.   Why?
                                  PETER
                    I'll have a Scotch and water.                                *
                                     FOX
                    Good.    Good.   Get in.
       They get into the limo.
115    INT. MOTOR VEHICLE OFFICE - COMPUTER SCREEN - NIGHT                115

       The letters RE are being punched up and then a series of
       license plate numbers beginning with those letters
       appear.

                                     ASSISTANT (O.S.)
                    Too many.
                                  YOUNG MAN (O.S.)
                    I could lose my job for this.
                    What are you going to do with
                    this information?
116    ANGLE - FOX'S ASSISTANT AND YOUNG MAN                              116

                                  ASSISTANT
                    You'll read all about it in the
                    newspapers. Come on. Let's do
                    R.E., R.P. and R.B. and see what
                    we get.

                                                           47.

117   EXT. LONG ISLAND SUBURB - ED RIFKIN - DAY                  117
      is in his driveway sipping a beer and painting a "For
      Sale" sign. An '81 Corvette is parked in the driveway.

                              RIFKIN
               Henry Lamb?   Who's that?

118   ANGLE TO INCLUDE PETER FALLOW AND RIFKIN                   118

                             PETER
               He was a student of yours at
               Ruppert High. In your English
               class.
                              RIFKIN
               He was?   What's he done?

                             PETER
               He was seriously injured. I'm
               a journalist. I write for a
               newspaper.
                              RIFKIN
               Oh.   I don't remember him.

                             PETER
               What I would like to find out is
               what kind of student he was.
                             RIFKIN
               Well, if I don't remember him,
               I guess he was okay.
                             PETER
               Would you say he was a 'good'
               student?
                             RIFKIN
               'Good' doesn't really apply to
               Ruppert High. They're either
               cooperative or life-threatening.
               There's no in-between.

                             PETER
               His mother says he was considering
               going to college.

                             RIFKIN
               Well, she means City College.
               They have an open admissions
               policy. So, if you live in the
               city and you graduate from high
               school and you're still breathing,
               they have to take you.
                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                          48.

118   CONTINUED:                                                118
                                 PETER
                   Well, is there anything at all you
                   can tell me about his performance
                   or aptitude -- anything at all?
                                  RIFKIN
                   Look, Mr...?

                                  PETER
                   Fallow.

                                 RIFKIN
                   I got sixty-five students in
                   every class...

                                 PETER
                   Do you have any of his written
                   work?
                                 RIFKIN
                   Oh, Jesus, there hasn't been any
                   written work at Ruppert High
                   since... oh, fifteen years.
                   Maybe twenty.
                                 PETER
                   Well, there must be some record
                   of how he measures up to the
                   others...
                                 RIFKIN
                   No. See, you're thinking about
                   grades and honor students and high
                   achievers. We don't make those
                   kinds of comparisons. We're just
                   trying to keep them off the
                   street. At Ruppert High, an honor
                   student is somebody who comes to
                   class and doesn't piss on the
                   teacher.

                                 PETER
                          (pauses; then)
                   Well, by that standard, is Henry
                   Lamb an honors student?

                                 RIFKIN
                   Well, he never pissed on me. So
                   by that standard, yes. I guess he
                   must be.

119   INT. SHERMAN'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON NEWSPAPER HEADLINE -     119
      DAY
                         HONOR STUDENT IN COMA
                         COPS SIT ON HIT AND RUN

                                                           49.          *

119A   ANGLE - FELIX                                             119A
       is shining Sherman's shoes and reading the newspaper.

                               SHERMAN (O.S.)
                 I think you're exaggerating the
                 situation, Bernard...

120    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                           120

       who is cool and confident.
                               SHERMAN
                        (on phone)
                 ... The franc is no problem. We
                 can hedge that to next January or
                 to term or both.

       And then he sees...
121    HIS POV - THE NEWSPAPER HEADLINE                          121
       upside-down, reading, "Honor Student in Coma."
122    ANGLE - SCENE                                             122

       as Sherman tries to read the article upside-down and talk
       to Bernard.
                               SHERMAN
                        (on phone)
                 No. I don't think that's
                 necessary...
       And then shock as Sherman recognizes...

123    ANGLE - NEWSPAPER PHOTO                                   123
       of Henry Lamb dressed in a cap and gown.

124    OMITTED                                                   124
thru                                                             thru
126                                                              126

127    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                           127
       is losing control.

                               SHERMAN
                        (on phone)
                 Look, Bernard... uh, we've had a
                 few minor -- hell, they're not
                 even problems. So let's not get
                 ourselves whipped up into a-a-a
                 coma. Jesus Christ! No, not you,
                 Bernard. Felix, let me see that
                 paper.
                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                              50.

127   CONTINUED:                                                    127
      Felix hands him the paper. Sherman tries to read the                *
      article and talk to Bernard at the same time.                       *

                                 SHERMAN
                          (on phone)
                   'Wait'? What do you mean, 'wait'?!
                   What the hell are you talking
                   about? Now you listen to me,
                   Bernard. We can't wait! We've
                   got to move now! You're raising
                   phantom issues here. It doesn't
                   matter what happens to gold and
                   francs on a day-to-day basis!
                   We've got to pull ourselves
                   together and just fucking do it!!
                   Look, Bernard. I'm sorry. No.
                   Wait a minute. Wait, Bernard.
                   Bernard! Don't leave me! Don't
                   leave me!
                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   But it was too late. It was gone.
                   Six hundred million dollars. On
                   Wall Street, a frantic salesman
                   was a dead salesman. And Sherman
                   knew it.
      He puts down the phone and stares at the newspaper. He
      sits there in his two thousand dollar Saville Row suit
      and his New and Lingwood cap-toed shoes and he sweats.
      Around him, voices come out of the chaotic room.
                                 VOICE #1 (O.S.)
                   Feds buying all coupons! Market
                   subject!
                                 VOICE #2 (O.S.)
                   Holy fucking shit. I want out!    I
                   want out!!
128   OMITTED                                                       128   *
&                                                                   &
129                                                                 129   *
130   EXT. STREET - SHERMAN - DAY                                   130

      is standing outside Maria's apartment building. A cab
      pulls up. Maria gets out. She is carrying a large                   *
      portfolio-type case, suitable for transporting a                    *
      painting. Sherman intercepts her.                                   *

                                 MARIA
                   Sherman, darling. I was just
                   thinking about you. Where have
                   you been?
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               51.

130   CONTINUED:                                                     130
                                 SHERMAN
                          (showing her the
                           newspaper)
                   Have you seen this? Have you seen
                   this perversion of the truth?

                                 MARIA
                   Don't I get a kiss first?
                                 SHERMAN
                   Have you read it?

                                 MARIA
                   Oh, Sherman, you know I only read
                   the newspapers spasmodically.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Sporatically, Maria. Sporatically.
                                MARIA
                   Yes. Me, too. Now come on in and
                   have a drink. I know just what
                   you need.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Absolutely wrong! All of it. And
                   who is this Peter Fallow? He has
                   everything wrong. They don't even
                   mention the other boy. And what
                   about the ramp and the tire?!
                   They're talking about a little
                   saint here who was on his way to
                   get milk and cookies for his
                   widowed mother.
      As they go into the building...

                                                     CUT TO:
131   INT. MARIA'S APARTMENT - WORKMAN - DAY                         131

      has just finished installing a new intercom system near
      the open door of the apartment. Sherman and Maria appear
      in the doorway.

                                 MARIA
                   Excuse me, but what is going on
                   here?
                                 WORKMAN
                   We're putting in a new intercom
                   system. All the apartments. The
                   super let me in. Are you...
                                 (MORE)

                                                     (CONTINUED)

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                     52.

131   CONTINUED:                                                       131
                                 WORKMAN (CONT'D)
                          (checking a piece
                           of paper)
                   Miss Caroline Heftshank? I need
                   you to sign a receipt.

                                 MARIA
                   Well, uh... I don't live here.
                   I'm just a guest of Miss Heftshank.
                   So...

                                  WORKMAN
                   Okay.   No problem. I'm all done.
      He packs up and leaves.

      Maria closes the door after him.      She laughs.
                                  MARIA
                   Christ.   That was close.
                                 SHERMAN
                   What's going on?

                                 MARIA
                   Nothing. Caroline pays $351 for
                   this place. It's rent controlled.
                   I sublet it for eleven hundred a
                   month. But it's not legal. They
                   would love to get Caroline out of
                   here. But they have to prove she
                   doesn't live here.
                                 SHERMAN
                   You don't think it's weird this
                   fellow showed up today. After
                   that unconscionable piece in the
                   paper.
                                 MARIA
                   Oh, Sherman. You are    completely
                   paranoidical. Look, I    have to
                   leave for the airport   in twenty
                   minutes. So we don't    have much
                   time.
                                                                             *
                              SHERMAN
                You don't think they could possibly
                trace the car to me?

                                                        (CONTINUED)

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                  53.

131   CONTINUED:    (2)                                             131
                                 MARIA
                   How? They don't have the full
                   number, they don't have a witness,
                   and the only one who could
                   recognize you is in terminal
                   comatosis.

                                SHERMAN
                   Right. There is the other boy,
                   however. Suppose he came forward.

                                 MARIA
                   If he was gonna materialize, he
                   would have done it by now. And
                   the reason he hasn't, is because
                   he's a criminal. Would you get my
                   blue jacket out of that closet?
      Sherman gets the jacket.     Maria starts putting a painting        *
      into her portfolio.                                                 *
                                 SHERMAN
                   What a wretched painting.

                                 MARIA
                   Filippo Chirazzi. He's a friend
                   of Caroline. Do you know him?
                                  SHERMAN
                   I hope not.   God, Maria, it looks
                   like you.
                                 MARIA
                   No. No. How could it be? Come
                   on, give me a hand. I'm taking it
                   with me.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Where are you going?
                                 MARIA
                   The airport. I told you. I have
                   a car coming in -- oh, God, ten
                   minutes. We have time for a
                   quickie. What do you say?

                                 SHERMAN
                   I'm upset, Maria. I just lost 600
                   million dollars. And possibly my
                   job. I don't feel terrifically
                   sexy at the moment.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                    54.

131    CONTINUED:    (3)                                               131
                                  MARIA
                    You know I'm a sucker for a soft
                    dick.
                                  SHERMAN
                    Maria, you are incorrigible.

                                  MARIA
                    Am I?
       She kisses him.

                                  SHERMAN
                    I suppose we could still go to the
                    police. We could get a very
                    talented lawyer...

                                  MARIA
                    And put our heads right into the
                    horse's mouth? I'm the one who
                    was driving the car. Don't you
                    think I'm the one who should make
                    the decision? And I say, no. No,
                    Sherman. Trust me. Nothing is
                    going to come of this little
                    newspaper article. Absolutely
                    nothing.
                                                                             *
       They are making love as we...
                                                       CUT TO:
132    EXT. BRONX STREET - LARGE WHITE VAN - DAY                       132

       pulls up in front of the Edgar Allen Poe housing
       project. Signs on the van read, "Channel 1 News - The
       Live 1." The streets are empty.

133    OMITTED                                                         133
thru                                                                   thru
135                                                                    135 *

136    ANGLE - PETER FALLOW                                            136
       getting out of a taxi.     He approaches Buck.

                                  PETER
                    Peter Fallow, from City Light.
                                   BUCK (HECKLER)
                    Oh yeah.   Right.

                                  PETER
                    Where are all the people?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

)J(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                     55.

136    CONTINUED:                                                       136
                                  BUCK
                    They'll be here. Soon as they see
                    the tower. Reva! Give this man
                    the release.
137    ANGLE - TO INCLUDE REVA                                          137

       a demented-looking white woman who is passing out Xeroxed
       literature under the heading...
                            "The People Demand Action
                             In The Henry Lamb Case"
                                   REVA
                    Ohhh.   There's Robert Corsaro!                            *

138    ANGLE - ROBERT CORSARO                                           138    *
       coming from the TV van.
                                  PETER
                    Peter Fallow, City Light.
                                  CORSARO                                      *
                    Oh, you're the reason we're up in
                    this godforsaken place. You and
                    your little newspaper article.
                                  PETER
                    Sorry about that.
139    OMITTED                                                          139
&                                                                       &
140                                                                     140
140A   ANGLE - HOUSING PROJECT                                          140A

       Reverend Bacon comes out of the building with Annie and
       the gospel singers who take their places in the rubble.
       Bacon goes to Fallow and Corsaro.

                                  BACON
                    Mr. Fallow. Our hero. I feel as
                    if we already know each other.
                    And Mr. Corsaro. You have an                               *
                    exclusive here. You understand
                    me? I could have had every
                    newspaper and T.V. station
                    spreading this news thinly, too
                    thinly across the airways. But I
                    have chosen only you two. And I
                    expect big coverage, in-depth
                    coverage.
                                                        (CONTINUED)

)J(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90              56.

140A   CONTINUED:                                                140A
                                  CORSARO                               *
                           (going back to
                            the van)
                    Well, then let's get to work.
                                  PETER
                    Look, Reverend, aren't you afraid
                    we may be trying to make a mountain
                    out of a mole hill here? I mean,
                    honestly...

                                  BACON
                    Honesty has nothing to do with
                    this, Mr. Fallow. This is show
                    business. And I've never known
                    the two to go hand in hand.

                                  PETER
                    Well, I am a journalist...
                                  BACON
                    You're a drunk, Mr. Fallow. That's
                    what I've been told. And you're
                    almost out of a job. Aren't you?
                    Or am I misinformed?
                                  PETER
                    I think maybe you've got the wrong
                    man, here.
                                  BACON
                    Oh, I don't think so. I don't
                    think so at all. Get with the
                    program, Mr. Fallow, you may have
                    been a knight in shining armour
                    back in Kansas. But this is New
                    York City. And I'm telling you,
                    when you come to work in a whore
                    house, there's only one thing you
                    want to be -- and that's the best
                    whore in the house.

       Corsaro returns.                                                 *
                                  CORSARO                               *
                    We're about ready here.

       Bacon leaves Peter.
141    ANGLE - REMOTE TOWER                                      141

       A silvery shaft with bright orange cable wrapped around
       it rising two and a half stories above the street now.
       People start coming out of the buildings to see what's
       going on.

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                 57.

142    OMITTED                                                      142
thru                                                                thru
146                                                                 146

147    ANGLE - REVEREND BACON                                       147
       speaks to the crowd.

                               BACON
                 Brothers and sisters. I stand
                 before you with a heart that is
                 broken. And I stand before you
                 with a heart that is angry. Heart
                 broken because our brother, our
                 neighbor, our son, Henry Lamb has
                 been stuck down in the prime of
                 his young life. And now he lies
                 in a hospital, broken like my
                 heart. But my heart is also
                 angry. Angry because the driver
                 of that car did nothing for him!
                 And neither did the police. And
                 neither did this man -- Mr.
                 Abraham Weiss.
       Bacon holds up a Weiss campaign poster -- a photo of
       Weiss reading --
                              "WEISS FOR MAYOR
                               JUSTICE FOR ALL"                            *

                               BACON
                 This man has turned his back on
                 Henry Lamb. And I, for one, am
                 not going to stand for it. No
                 sir!
       During the above, a group of kids are pushing and shoving
       and laughing behind Bacon, trying to get on camera. Also
       during Bacon's speech...
148    OMITTED                                                      148

148A   ANGLE - BUCK                                                 148A
       passing out placards to Rev. Bacon's audience. "Weiss
       justice is white justice." "Lamb slaughtered by
       indifference." "Hit 'n' run 'n' lie to the people."

148B   ANGLE - CORSARO                                              148B *
       approaches Fallow while Bacon is speaking.

                               CORSARO                                     *
                 He's something, isn't he?
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)J(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90             58.

148B   CONTINUED:                                               148B
                                   PETER
                    Yes.   He certainly is.

                                  CORSARO                              *
                    But, listen, he's on the level
                    with this one, isn't he? I mean
                    this is a legitimate story.

       Peter hesitates.      Then...
                                     PETER
                    Oh.    Yes.   Sure. Yes.
                                  CORSARO                              *
                    I mean this Henry Lamb is... was
                    ... is a nice kid. No record,
                    neighbors seem to like him, an
                    honor student.
                                  PETER
                    No question about it.
                                  CORSARO                              *
                    Because, well, I don't give a
                    shit, but he's gonna be a saint
                    by the time we get through with
                    him. So it would be good if it
                    were true. You know?

148C   ANGLE - ANNIE LAMB                                       148C
       is being led by Rev. Bacon to the forefront. The crowd
       goes quiet. The choir sings. Bacon puts Annie in front
       of the crowd as if he were introducing a queen or a
       saint.

)V(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/12/90                 59.         *

149   ANGLE - ANNIE                                                149
      dressed in black, looking small and frail. Slowly, she
      raises her right arm, as if to wave. And then her hand
      changes to a clenched fist and she screams...
                                ANNIE
                Justice!    Justice! Justice!

      The crowd goes berserk, screaming with her. A man in the
      crowd hurls a JAR of mayonnaise at the poster of Abe
      Weiss. As it SPLATTERS...

                                                   CUT TO:
150   INT. DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE - DAY                        150

      Kramer, Weiss, Ray Andriutti and several aides are watch-
      ing the TV coverage of the demonstration.
                              WEISS
                Look at this shit! Look at it!
                They're throwing shit right in
                my face!
      Weiss flips a channel. Corsaro reports. Behind him,
      a graphic portrays the Weiss poster with graffiti
      scribbled on it:
                      "WEISS JUSTICE IS WHITE JUSTICE"

                              CORSARO (V.O.)
                       (on T.V.)
                And while authorities are dragging
                their feet, the protesters were
                sending a message to Bronx district
                attorney and mayoral candidate
                Abe Weiss -- 'If you don't launch
                an investigation, we'll do it
                ourselves!'
                              WEISS
                That's my name. That's my own
                fucking name.
                              KRAMER
                This is a fuck-up.

                              WEISS
                Who the hell are you?
                                KRAMER
                Kramer, sir.    I'm...

      On TV we see Corsaro interviewing Albert Fox, who's at
      his limo, with his aide.

                                                   (CONTINUED)

)V(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/12/90                 60.         *

150   CONTINUED:                                                   150
                                 CORSARO (V.O.)
                   So, Albert, why are you here?

                                 FOX (V.O.)
                   I am here to join with the black
                   community in expressing not only
                   its grief but also its outrage.
                   And, of course, whatever I can
                   do to help Mrs. Lamb, I will do.
                                 WEISS
                          (reacts)
                   Now they've got Albert Fox with
                   them.

      Weiss switches channel to an Anchorwoman. Behind her,
      a graphic portrays a Mercedes and licence plate number
      with five question marks.
                                 ANCHORWOMAN (V.O.)
                          (on T.V.)
                   ... while at the same time, sources
                   at Motor Vehicle say there are less
                   than 200 Mercedes with plates
                   beginning with the key letters...
                   RE, RB or RP. There was no comment
                   from the District Attorney's office
                   about Reverend Bacon's demand for
                   justice. Meanwhile, protestors
                   are threatening if Bronx district
                   attorney and mayoral candidate
                   Abe Weiss doesn't launch an
                   investigation -- Quote 'We'll do
                   it ourselves!'
                                 WEISS
                   And how did they get this
                   information out of Motor Vehicle?
                   Whose side are they on?!
                                 RAY
                   Calm down, Abe. We had this
                   information a week ago.
                                 WEISS
                   Then why aren't we doing anything?
                   Why aren't we tracing the car?
                   What am I, the Wizard of Oz, I
                   don't know anything!?

                                 RAY
                   Trace the car, what for? We don't
                   have a witness. We don't even
                   know where it happened. We don't
                   even know if it happened.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)V(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 6/12/90                60A.

150   CONTINUED:    (2)                                        150
                                 WEISS
                   Trace the car, Ray.

                                 RAY
                   We don't have a case, even if we
                   find the car. Even if we find the
                   owner and the owner says, oh, yeah,
                   gee, yeah, I hit this kid, yeah,
                   the other night, and yeah I didn't
                   stop and I didn't report it. I did
                   it. I did it. Then we have a case.

                                 WEISS
                   Just trace the fucking car.

      Ray leaves.    Weiss sits down looking sadly at the
      television.
                                 WEISS
                   Yesterday I was a respected Jewish
                   liberal. Ten minutes of news like
                   this and all of a sudden I'm a
                   hymie racist pig.

151   OMITTED                                                  151
&                                                              &
152                                                            152

                                                               61.

153   ANGLE - TV                                                     153
      The crowd screaming "Justice!    Justice!   Justice!"

154   ANGLE - BACK TO SCENE                                          154
                                 WEISS
                   The Italians will love this, the
                   Irish, too. And the Wasps. They
                   love this shit more than anybody.
                   They love laughing at me. And
                   they won't even know what they're
                   laughing at.

      He goes to the window.    The sun is setting over the New
      York skyline.
                                 WEISS
                   All the rich sons of bitches.
                   They still think they own this
                   city. They sit in their co-ops,
                   Park Avenue, Fifth, Beekman Place,
                   snug like a bug, twelve-foot
                   ceilings, one wing for them, one
                   for the help. They think money is
                   going to protect them? Stupid
                   sons of bitches. I'd like to
                   light a bonfire under all their
                   lily-white asses. Let them see
                   what this feels like. Let the
                   whole Third World see the smoke
                   and come after them. Let them
                   feel what it's like when every
                   Puerto Rican, West Indian, Cuban,
                   Korean, Chinese, Albanian,
                   Filippino, black man from every
                   corner of every borough -- you
                   don't think the future knows how
                   to cross a bridge? You laugh.
                   You laugh.
                          (turns and faces his
                           aides)
                   Alright. Now this is what we're
                   going to do. We're going to turn
                   this thing around. If it kills
                   us. We're going to prove to these
                   black motherfuckers -- excuse my
                   language, Howard...

155   ANGLE TO INCLUDE BLACK AIDE                                    155
      smiles acknowledgement of the apology.

                                 WEISS
                   We're going to prove to these
                   niggers that this administration
                   loves them.
                                 (MORE)
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                62.

155    CONTINUED:                                                     155
                                  WEISS (CONT'D)
                    No matter what it takes. I am no
                    racist Hymie. By November, they're                       *
                    going to be thinking of me as the
                    first black District Attorney of
                    Bronx County. They're going to beg                       *
                    me to be mayor. We're going to                           *
                    walk away with that election.                            *
                    That's what we're going to do. If
                    we have to screw every white asshole
                    from Albany to Park Avenue -- that's
                    what we're going to do.
                                                      CUT TO:

156    OMITTED                                                        156
thru                                                                  thru
174                                                                   174
174A   EXT. STREET SIGN - DUSK                                        174A *
       Reading:   "PARK AVE."
174B   EXT. SHERMAN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SHERMAN - DUSK             174B *
       gets out of a taxi and walks into...
174C   INT. FOYER - MARTIN AND GOLDBERG - DUSK                        174C *

       are talking to the Doorman as Sherman approaches.
                                   DOORMAN
                    Ah.   Mr. McCoy.

                                   SHERMAN
                    Hello, Tony.

                                   DOORMAN
                    Eddie, sir.
                                   SHERMAN
                    Right.   What's...
                                  DOORMAN
                    These gentlemen...

                                  MARTIN
                    Sorry to bother you. I'm
                    Detective Martin. This is
                    Detective Goldberg. We're
                    investigating an automobile
                    accident. Maybe you heard about
                    it...
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                   63.

174C   CONTINUED:                                                        174C
       Martin holds up a copy of the City Light article.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Oh, yes, yeah. On television.
                    Last night. We said -- my wife
                    said, 'Good Lord, we have a
                    Mercedes and the license starts
                    with an R.'
                                  MARTIN
                    You and a lotta people.

                                   SHERMAN
                    Oh, really?

       The elevator arrives.

                                  DOORMAN
                    Are you going up, sir?
                                 SHERMAN
                    Ah. Well. Yes. Sure.        Would
                    you...? Do you...?

                                  MARTIN
                    Is this a bad time?
                                  SHERMAN
                    No. No.   Not at all.      Come up.
                    Yes.
174D   INT. ELEVATOR - SHERMAN, MARTIN AND GOLDBERG - DUSK               174D *
                                  MARTIN
                    We just need to ask a few
                    questions...

                                    SHERMAN
                    Sure.   Yes.   Go ahead.
                                  MARTIN
                    So. Let's see. Can you tell us
                    if your car was in use the night
                    this happened?

                                  SHERMAN
                    When exactly was it?
                                  MARTIN
                    Tuesday a week ago.

                                  SHERMAN
                    I don't know. Let me think.         I'd
                    have to figure...

                                                          (CONTINUED)

                                                               64.

174D   CONTINUED:                                                    174D
                                  MARTIN
                    Anybody else use your car?

                                  SHERMAN
                    My wife. Sometimes. And the
                    people at the garage.

                                  MARTIN
                    Parking garage.
                                   SHERMAN
                    Yes.
                                  MARTIN
                    You leave the car with the keys
                    and they park it.

                                   SHERMAN
                    Well... yes.
                                  MARTIN
                    Could we go there and take a look
                    at it?

       The elevator stops.     The doors open.
174E   INT. FOYER - SHERMAN - DUSK                                   174E *
       unlocks the apartment door.
                                   SHERMAN
                    The car?
                                   MARTIN
                    Yes.
                                   SHERMAN
                    Now?
                                  MARTIN
                    Soon as we leave here. We could
                    take a look. There's things
                    that's consistent with an incident
                    like this. We don't find those
                    things, we move on down the list.
                    And we're out of your hair.

174F   INT. APARTMENT - SHERMAN - DUSK                               174F *
       leads Martin and Goldberg inside.

                                  SHERMAN
                    So you want to take a look at the
                    car then.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                65.

174F   CONTINUED:                                                     174F
                                  MARTIN
                    Yeah.

                                  SHERMAN
                    I see.

                                  MARTIN
                    We don't have a description of a
                    driver. So we gotta look for the
                    car. And that means bothering a
                    lot of innocent people. We're
                    sorry about the inconvenience.
                    But it's a routine sort of thing.
                                  SHERMAN
                    I understand. But if it is a
                    routine, well, I should, I guess
                    I ought to... well, follow the
                    routine that's appropriate to me,
                    to someone with a car in this
                    situation. You see?
       Martin and Goldberg look at each other.     Then they follow
       Sherman into...
174G   INT. LIBRARY - SHERMAN, MARTIN, GOLDBERG - DUSK                174G *
                                   MARTIN
                    No.   I don't follow.
                                  SHERMAN
                    Well, I mean, if you have a
                    routine in an investigation like
                    this -- I don't know how these
                    things work, but there must also
                    be a routine for a person like me,
                    an owner of a car with a license
                    number -- I think that's what I
                    need to consider. The routine.
                                  MARTIN
                    We just want to look at the car.
                                  SHERMAN
                    That's what I mean. You see?

                                  MARTIN
                    No.
                                  GOLDBERG
                    Excuse me, Mr. McCoy. But is there
                    something you want to tell us?
                                                       (CONTINUED)

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                   66.          *

174G   CONTINUED:                                                     174G
                                  SHERMAN
                    Well, I... how do you mean?

                                  GOLDBERG
                    Because, if there is, now is the
                    time to tell us. Before things
                    get complicated.

                                  SHERMAN
                    No. I just think... I think that,
                    just to be sure, certain, safe...
                    I think...
                                  GOLDBERG
                    Let me put it this way, if you
                    want to cooperate, that's great.
                    If you have reasons for not
                    cooperating, then I should tell
                    you that you don't have to say
                    anything. That's your right. If
                    you want, you can say nothing at
                    all. You also have the right to
                    an attorney. I mean, for that
                    matter, if you lacked the 'funds'
                    for an attorney, the state would
                    provide you with one -- free of
                    charge.   If that's what you
                    wanted.

       Goldberg sits down on the edge of Sherman's desk.
                                  SHERMAN
                    Well, look. I guess what I should
                    do is, I should... I should talk
                    this over with an attorney.
175    INT. CRIMINAL JUSTICE BUILDING - HALLWAY - KRAMER -            175
       EVENING
       is moving fast as he talks with Martin and Goldberg.

                                  GOLDBERG
                    ... But mainly, it's the look on
                    his face. Ain't that the truth,
                    Marty?

                                  MARTIN
                    Yeah. All of sudden, the bitch
                    starts coming out of him.

                                  GOLDBERG
                    So I read him his rights -- as
                    casual as I can do it.
                                                       (CONTINUED)
)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                    67          *

175    CONTINUED:                                                     175

                               MARTIN
                 And then he sits down on the guy's
                 desk.
                                 KRAMER
                 What'd he do?

                               GOLDBERG
                 Nothin' at first. But he's
                 confused. And his eyes are getting
                 bigger and he's double-talking like
                 a son of a bitch. I'm thinking
                 there's something there.
                                                    CUT TO:

176    OMITTED                                                    176
176A   INT. CRIMINAL JUSTICE BLDG. - STAIRCASE - EVENING          176A

       As they reach Weiss.
                               KRAMER
                 I think we got him.
                                WEISS
                 Got who?   What do you got?

                                 GOLDBERG
                 Well...
                                 KRAMER
                 McCoy.    Sherman McCoy.   We got him.
                               WEISS
                 You think it's him?
                               MARTIN
                 Well, we think so, yeah, but...
                               KRAMER
                 It's him. We got him. This guy
                 is Park Avenue. His old man ran
                 Dunning, Sponget and Leach. He's
                 got his name in the columns. His
                 wife is a fucking socialite.
                               WEISS
                 Does this put an end to this white
                 justice shit?

       Ray Andruitti interrupts him.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                  68.

176A   CONTINUED:                                                    176A
                                 RAY
                    Abe. We got zip on this guy.
                    Fucking zip.
                                  KRAMER
                    I think he's the type we could
                    smoke out. Bring him in for
                    questioning. Go public.
                                  RAY
                    Go public?! You got nothing here.
                    Your only witness is in a hospital
                    likely to die. Don't listen to
                    this shit, Abe. You got to get
                    to Manhattan. You got a speech                          *
                    to make.

                                  KRAMER
                    I'll tell you what you got to do,
                    sir. You've got to send a signal
                    out to the poor people of this city.
                    You got to let them know that
                    justice is blind. You got to let
                    them know that if you're white and
                    rich, you get the same treatment
                    you get when you're black and poor.
                    You got to give people hope!
                                  WEISS
                    You mean, we nail the wasp.
                                   KRAMER
                    To the wall.

                                  WEISS
                    I like this man. I like him.
                    Look. What's the kid's condition?
                    Any chance he'll regain
                    consciousness?
                                  RAY
                    What if he does? He can't talk.
                    He's breathing from a tube down
                    his throat.

                                   WEISS
                    No.   But maybe he can point.
                                   RAY
                    Point?

                                                      (CONTINUED)

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                 69.          *

176A   CONTINUED:    (2)                                            176A
                                  WEISS
                    Yeah. I got an idea. We take a
                    picture of Sherman McCoy over to
                    the hospital, to this kid. And
                    three or four other guys, white
                    guys, and we put them by the bed,
                    the pictures. And the kid comes
                    to... and he points to McCoy's
                    picture. And he keeps pointing...
       Nobody believes what they're hearing -- except Kramer.

                                  KRAMER
                    Might work. That might work. It's
                    a long shot, but it might work.

       An AIDE rushes up to Kramer and pulls him aside.
                                  AIDE
                    Mr. Kramer?
                                   KRAMER
                    Yeah?   What do you want?

                                  RAY
                           (to Weiss)
                    You'll kill him. He wakes up out
                    of a coma and sees four white men
                    in suits and ties staring at him
                    from the end of the bed, he'll
                    shit and die.
                                  WEISS
                    It's worth a try.
                                  RAY
                    I don't believe what I'm hearing!
                    Some poor gook with a tube down
                    his throat pointing at a picture.
                    That's your case?! It's never
                    gonna stand up.

                                  WEISS
                           (screams)
                    I know that, Ray. I know that.
                    I just want to bring the guy in!
                    Just bring him in. That's all.
                    We get the press. We get the
                    attention. Then we can relax and
                    do the right thing.

                                  RAY
                    Look at me, Abe. Watch my mouth.
                    Read my lips. No. We cannot do
                    that. No way.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                69A.          *

176A   CONTINUED:    (3)                                            176A
       Weiss growls in frustration.    Kramer leaves the Aide and
       goes to Weiss.

                                  KRAMER
                    I think we got a witness.

                                  WEISS
                           (shouting over
                            the noise)
                    What?! What?!!

                                  KRAMER
                    I think we got a mother-fucking
                    witness!!!

177    INT. CRIMINAL COURTS BUILDING - ROLAND - DAY                 177

       is having his mug shots taken. He is immediately
       recognizable as the other young man who was with Henry
       Lamb.

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 70.

178   ANGLE - KRAMER                                               178
      talking to CECIL HAYDEN as they watch Roland.   (Hayden
      is black.)

                              HAYDEN
                ... So I walk up to him and I
                say, hello, I'm from Legal Aid,
                I'm your lawyer. And he says,
                'Fuck you, mother. I don't want
                no nigger lawyer. I want a Jew.'
                             KRAMER
                Nice guy.
                              HAYDEN
                This is his third drug arrest.
                He wants a deal.

                              KRAMER
                And he'll say he was there, at
                the scene?
                              HAYDEN
                He'll say whatever you want him
                to say.
179   CLOSE ON ROLAND                                              179
                                                  CUT TO:

180   INT. TOM KILLIAN'S OFFICE - SHERMAN - DAY                    180
      is standing in front of KILLIAN who is seated at his
      desk.

                              KILLIAN
                I'm telling you, they got nothing
                on you, Mr. McCoy.
                       (picks up a phone)
                Get me Andruitti over in the Bronx.
                Tell him it's urgent about this
                Henry Lamb shit.

                              SHERMAN
                But suppose the other fellow comes                       *
                forward. I swear there was
                another one. He was big...                               *

                              KILLIAN
                I believe you. It was a set-up.
                They were going to take you off.
                Sounds to me like he's got good
                reasons not to come forward. You
                just sit tight. That's what you
                do.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                             71.

180   CONTINUED:                                                   180
                                 SHERMAN
                   Look, you were recommended as the
                   best criminal lawyer around. I'm
                   not disagreeing with you. But I
                   didn't come here to... I mean, I
                   want to pre-empt this whole
                   situation. I don't want it to go
                   any further.
                                 KILLIAN
                   What does that mean?

                                 SHERMAN
                   It means I want to take the
                   initiative. I want to go to the
                   police with Maria -- Mrs. Ruskin
                   -- and just tell them exactly what
                   happened. I mean, I don't know
                   about the law, but I feel morally
                   certain that we did what was right
                   -- in the situation we were in.
                   And I don't see...
                                 KILLIAN
                   Ayyyy! You Wall Street honchos
                   are real gamblers. Ayyy!
                   Whaddaya whaddaya! They would
                   devour you. They would eat you
                   up.
                                SHERMAN
                   But why?
                                 KILLIAN
                   Forget it's already a political
                   football. Forget the T.V. and
                   Reverend Bacon and Weiss has an
                   election coming up. Forget that
                   and remember that when you work in
                   the D.A.'s office and every day
                   you prosecute people with names
                   like Tiffany Latour and Sancho
                   Rodriguez and Chong Wong and
                   Shabazz Kazan Tamali, you are
                   dying to get your hands on a nice
                   white couple like you and Mrs.
                   Ruskin. Biscuit city, ehhh! You
                   open your mouth and they will
                   arrest you. And they will make a
                   big show out of arresting you.
                   And it will be very unpleasant.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 72.

180   CONTINUED:    (2)                                            180
      Sherman sits down.    He is depressed.   The PHONE RINGS.

                                 KILLIAN
                   That is guaranteed. Believe me,
                   you do not want to be arrested in
                   the South Bronx.
                          (picks up the phone)
                   Yeah. Oh. Put him on. Yeah?
                   I'll hold.
                          (to Sherman)
                   I need to talk to your friend,
                   Mrs. Ruskin, too.
                              SHERMAN
                I understand you went to Yale.

                                 KILLIAN
                Yeah.     You, too. Huh?
                              SHERMAN
                What did you think of it?
                               KILLIAN
                It was okay. As law schools go.
                They give you the scholarly view.
                You know. It's terrific for
                anything you want to do -- as long
                as it doesn't involve real
                people.
                        (into phone)
                Hey, Andruitti, you guinea, how
                are you? Yeah. Well, I'm sitting
                here with Sherman McCoy. Yeah.
                That's right. Well, I don't know
                if he needs a lawyer. What do you
                think?
                        (winks at Sherman
                         and smiles)
                Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
                        (smile fades)
                So what does that mean? Okay.
                Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
      He puts down the phone and looks at Sherman.

                              KILLIAN
                We got a problem.
                                 SHERMAN
                What?     What is it?

                              KILLIAN
                They're going to arrest you.                             *

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  73.         *

181   EXT. McCOY BUILDING - CHAUFFEUR - NIGHT                       181
      gets out of a limo and speaks to the Doorman.    The
      Doorman picks up the house phone.

182   INT. McCOY APARTMENT - JUDY - NIGHT                           182
      is on the house phone. She is wearing a formal dress
      with gigantic shoulders.

                              JUDY
                Tell him to wait. We'll be
                right down.

      FOLLOW her TO...
183   INT. BEDROOM - SHERMAN - NIGHT                                183

      is sitting half-dressed in black tie.    He is on the
      phone.
      Judy comes into the room.
                              SHERMAN
                       (on phone)
                I know it was six hundred million,
                Rawlie. Just stop saying it.
                I'll straighten it out with Gene
                first thing in the morning.
                Well, not first thing. I have a
                previous appointment.
                              JUDY
                       (overlapping)
                Sherman. Please. What is the
                matter with you? You're not even
                dressed and the car is already
                here.

                              SHERMAN
                What?  What car?
                       (on phone)
                No, Rawlie, I can't change it.

                              JUDY
                Leon and Inez Bavardage. They are
                taking us to the opera. Eight
                o'clock. Tonight. And the car is
                here.
                              SHERMAN
                Rawlie, I'll call you later. Just
                stay calm.
                       (hangs up)
                But why do we need a car? They
                only live six blocks from here.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                   74.

183   CONTINUED:                                                     183
                                 JUDY
                   Because after the opera we're
                   going to the museum for the Benefit.

                                 SHERMAN
                   We could walk.

                                 JUDY
                   I can't walk down the street in
                   this dress. A small wind would
                   turn me into a kite.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Then let's take a taxi.
                                                                           *
                                 JUDY
                   Why are we having this conversation?

                                 SHERMAN
                   Because a car is going to take us six
                   blocks and wait there for five and a
                   half hours and then drive us another
                   six blocks home and it is going to
                   cost us three hundred and forty-six
                   dollars?! We are hemorrhaging money,
                   Judy. It is pouring out of us with
                   every beat of our heart. Isn't that
                   worth talking about?!?
      Judy sits down and thinks.
                                 JUDY
                   You're right. It might be cheaper
                   in the long run to hire a
                   permanent chauffeur.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Judy, please...

                                 JUDY
                   We'll talk about it later.

                                 SHERMAN
                   We have to talk now.
                                 JUDY
                   We can't hire a chauffeur in
                   the next fifteen minutes.
                                 SHERMAN
                   We haven't talked about anything
                   for the last three weeks.

                                 JUDY
                   Well there's no reason to start
                   now.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                   75.

183   CONTINUED:    (2)                                               183
                                 SHERMAN
                   Yes, there is. Something is
                   happening here. You have to
                   know about this. Tomorrow
                   morning...

                                 JUDY
                   Sherman, this is a very important
                   evening. It will determine
                   whether or not I will be chairman
                   of the museum benefit this year.
                   I cannot be upset now. We can
                   talk about it later.
                                 SHERMAN
                   I'm going to be arrested in the
                   morning.
                                 JUDY
                   Really, Sherman, you'd do anything
                   to ruin this for me. Wouldn't you?
                   Now please. Get dressed.
184   INT. OPERA HOUSE - ONSTAGE - NIGHT                              184
      The last scene of Don Giovanni is being played out.       The
      Commandatori has the Don in his grip, urging him to
      "repent." The Don refuses. The MUSIC THUNDERS
      threateningly.
185   OMITTED                                                         185   *
186   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                 186

      in a box with Judy and Leonard and Inez Bavardage.
      Sherman is transfixed by what he is seeing on the stage.
      He flips through his libretto.

187   HIS POV - TEXT                                                  187
      and the word "repent" in English and Italian.

188   ANGLE - STAGE                                                   188
      as the floor opens up around Don Giovanni.       Flames and
      demons reach for him.

189   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                 189
      breaking into a sweat.    He reaches for Judy.

                                JUDY
                   Shhh!

                                                            76.

190   ANGLE - STAGE                                                190
      as Don Giovanni screams and falls into the jaws of hell.

                                                  CUT TO:
191   INT. MUSEUM - DIARAMA - NIGHT                                191

      depicts a jungles scene -- a lion is eating a just-killed
      zebra. A pack of hyenas are hovering.
192   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              192

      looking at the scene.    The museum party is in full gear.
                              AUBREY BUFFING (O.S.)
                There he is, Don Juan, in the vise-                      *
                like grip of fate, facing his                            *
                crime, facing his entire life of                         *
                selfish consumption and profligate                       *
                wasting of himself and others...                         *
      Sherman turns and bumps into Aubrey, spilling his drink.           *
193   ANGLE - SALLY RAWTHROATE                                     193

      grabs him by the arm and pulls him into her conversation           *
      with Aubrey.                                                       *
                              SALLY
                You're Judy McCoy's husband.
                                SHERMAN
                Uh.     Yes.
                              SALLY
                I'm in real estate. And, darling,
                I've seen your apartment. Any time
                you even think about selling...

                              SHERMAN
                Well, it's unlikely.

      Sherman looks across the room and sees...
194   HIS POV - MARIA                                              194

      is walking across the room with her husband, ARTHUR
      RUSKIN.
195   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              195

      is shocked.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                          77.

195   CONTINUED:                                                195
                                 SALLY
                   Have you met Aubrey Buffing the
                   poet? He's on the short list for
                   the Nobel Prize.
                                  SHERMAN
                           (shakes hands
                            with Aubrey)
                   Ah.   Hello.
                                  SALLY
                   He has AIDS.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Oh.

                                 SALLY
                   We were talking about the opera...
                                 AUBREY
                          (holding on to
                           Sherman's hand)
                   'The wrath of heaven must be at                    *
                   hand, its justice will not tarry.
                   I see the deadly thunderbolt
                   poised above his head! I see the
                   fatal abyss open before him.'
      During the above, Sherman sees...
196   HIS POV - JUDY                                            196
      is being introduced to Maria on the other side of the
      room.
197   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                           197

      extricates himself from Aubrey.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Excuse me.

198   ANGLE - ARTHUR RUSKIN                                     198
      speaking to Judy.

                                 ARTHUR
                   ... My wife lives on airplanes.                    *
                   She goes back and forth to Italy                   *
                   like a Ping-Pong ball. She took a                  *
                   house on Lake Como. She's crazy                    *
                   now all of a sudden for anything
                   Italian.

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90               78.         *

199   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                            199
      comes up next to Judy.

                                SHERMAN
                Uh... Judy...
                              JUDY
                Sherman! Have you met Bobby
                Shalfet, from the opera? And
                Nunnally Voyd -- oh, and Arthur
                Ruskin and his wife Maria.

                                SHERMAN
                Well, hi.
                              BOBBY
                And what do you do, Mr. McCoy?

                                SHERMAN
                Bonds.
                                BOBBY
                Bonds.
                                SHERMAN
                Bonds.
                              BOBBY
                Well, the only bonds I know about
                are bail bonds.
      The group laughs and turns away from Sherman.
                              BOBBY
                I was arrested last year in Montreal
                for pissing on a tree...
      As Judy tries to rejoin the group...

                              JUDY
                Sherman, couldn't you try just once,
                to be a little bit interesting.

      Sherman pulls her away.
                              SHERMAN
                I want you to meet Aubrey Buffing.

                                JUDY
                Who?

                              SHERMAN
                The poet. He's on the short list
                for the Nobel Prize. He has AIDS.
                You'll love him.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                78A.

199   CONTINUED:                                                   199
                                 JUDY
                   Sherman, we are alone in the middle
                   of the room. A married couple,
                   talking to each other. You simply
                   don't do this. Now go and mingle.
                   Please.

      She leaves him.
200   ANGLE - AUBREY BUFFING                                       200

      walking and speaking to a woman.    As they pass an
      enormous table of food...
                                 AUBREY
                   And even when repentence is offered,
                   he refuses. He refuses to deny his
                   life. The food, the drink, the
                   flesh -- fatal as they may be --
                   he cannot resist them...
      Aubrey continues talking as he passes...

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                 79.

201   ANGLE - MARIA                                                201
      talking in French to BORIS KARLEVSKOV, a ballet dancer.
      Sherman approaches.

                              MARIA
                Sherman! We have to stop meeting
                like this. Do you know Boris,
                the ballet dancer?

                                SHERMAN
                Uh, no.

                              MARIA
                Boris, je te presente Monsieur
                McCoy. Sherman, voila Boris
                Karlevskov. He's defective.

                              SHERMAN
                You mean he defected.                                    *
                              MARIA
                I mean he doesn't speak any English.
                                SHERMAN
                Are you sure?
                              MARIA
                Yes. Watch. Boris, darling,
                would you like me to eat your ass?

                              BORIS
                Encore du champagne, s'il vous
                plait.
                               MARIA
                You see?   It went right over his
                head.

                              SHERMAN
                Maria, I need to talk to you.
                Something very... unexpected is
                happening.

                              MARIA
                Of course, darling, but keep
                smiling. My husband is watching me.
                Look at him. He's so pleased with
                himself. He's just closed a new
                deal. A charter business. He's
                going to take Arabs to Mecca on
                airplanes.

      Sherman tries to smile throughout the following. Boris
      smiles and nods -- although he doesn't understand a word
      they're saying.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             80.

201   CONTINUED:                                                   201
                                 SHERMAN
                          (with a social grin)
                   I'm going to be arrested in the
                   morning.
                                 MARIA
                   Of course, the airplanes are all
                   from Israel...
                                 SHERMAN
                   By the police, I imagine.

                                 MARIA
                   He'll make a fortune.

                                 SHERMAN
                   I don't think it will be too bad.
                   My lawyer -- if you can call him
                   that -- has received assurances
                   that it will all be handled in an
                   orderly fashion.
                                 MARIA
                   He called me a whore today. Right
                   in front of the servants. I mean,
                   really. How does he expect me to
                   run the house if he humiliates me
                   in front of the help?

                                   SHERMAN
                   Yes.   Well.   You have a point.
                                 MARIA
                   I'm sorry, Sherman.    What are we
                   talking about?
                                 SHERMAN
                   The other guy has come forward.
                   He says I was driving the car.
                   I'm going to be arrested tomorrow
                   morning. I need to know from you
                   ... I mean, what do you want me
                   to say?
                                 MARIA
                   Oh, Sherman, what...?!

      But MRS. BAVARDAGE swirls up to them and whisks the now
      terrified Maria away.

                                 MRS. BAVARDAGE
                   Maria, darling, I need your advice
                   about something. My designer has
                   gone bonkers about jabots and chintz.
                                 (MORE)
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                              81.

201    CONTINUED:    (2)                                            201
                                  MRS. BAVARDAGE (CONT'D)
                    Jabots and chintz, jabots and chintz
                    everywhere, everywhere!
       As she leaves with Maria, she grabs Aubrey Buffing and
       steers him toward Sherman.

                                  MRS. BAVARDAGE
                    Sherman, have you met Aubrey
                    Buffing? He has AIDS.

                                 SHERMAN
                    Uh...
                                  AUBREY
                           (shakes Sherman's
                            hand again)
                    Like so many of us now, with death
                    and retribution waiting for us. Yet
                    we go on whirling about each other...
       Sherman is looking past Aubrey.     He sees...
202    HIS POV - MARIA                                              202
       goes to Arthur, whispers something in his ear. They
       leave quickly. For a brief moment, she looks back at...
203    ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              203
       walking with Aubrey, trying to see where Maria went.
                                  AUBREY
                    We are unable to stop, until death
                    itself takes us into his arms and
                    burns us with the fever of living,
                    dragging us like Don Juan into the
                    bonfires of hell. The words of the
                    ghost ringing in our ears... 'Repent!
                    Repent!'

                                                    CUT TO:
204    OMITTED                                                      204 *
thru                                                                thru
206                                                                 206 *

207    EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SHERMAN - DAWN                     207
       comes out of the building and stands waiting as the rain
       pours down on this bleak day. A police car pulls up.
       Sherman gets inside.
208    OMITTED                                                      208
&                                                                   &
209                                                                 209

                                                           82.

210   INT. POLICE CAR - KILLIAN, MARTIN, GOLDBERG - DAWN         210
                             MARTIN
               'Morning, Mr. McCoy.

      As Sherman climbs into the back seat...
                             MARTIN
               Be careful of your clothes. My
               kid got all this Styrofoam shit
               back there. They stick to your
               clothes.

                             KILLIAN
               How do you feel?
                             SHERMAN
               Top notch. Look. You said this
               was just a formality.
                              KILLIAN
               No problem.   They promised me.
                            SHERMAN
               I told Maria. I saw her last
               night. In case we need her.
                             KILLIAN
               That explains it. She left the
               country this morning. You know
               some Italian painter named Filippo
               Sharutti, something like that?
                               SHERMAN
               I don't know.    Why?

                             KILLIAN
               I think your girl friend found
               a new boyfriend.

                               SHERMAN
               But...

                             KILLIAN
               It's not going to be so bad. This
               is routine. I talked to Andruitti
               again last night. He promised me.
               We'll be in and out of there. No
               problem. Nobody is ever going to
               know it happened.
                             MARTIN
               We got to cuff him.

                               KILLIAN
               What for?

                                                 (CONTINUED)

)R(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/8/90                   83.

210   CONTINUED:                                                    210
                                 MARTIN
                   The zone captain is gonna be there.
                   And the press.
                                 KILLIAN
                   Wait a minute. What the fuck?!
                   What press?! I talked to Ray last
                   night. He promised no bullshit.
                                 MARTIN
                   This is Weiss. Weiss gave the
                   order this morning.
                                 KILLIAN
                   Somebody is going to pay for this.

                                                    CUT TO:
211   EXT. CRIMINAL COURT BUILDING - SIDE ENTRANCE - MORNING        211
      A line of men near a little metal door and a crowd of 50
      people standing in the rain. Very still. Jed Kramer                 *
      is there, too.

212   ANGLE - PETER FALLOW                                          212
      off by himself, close to the curb where...
213   POLICE CAR                                                    213
      pulls up containing Sherman.     Peter peers into the car.
                                 PETER
                   Excuse me, Mister McCoy?
                                  KILLIAN
                   Don't talk.   What's going on here?!

214   ANGLE - CROWD                                                 214
      near the door to the building comes alive. Slowly, at
      first. They turn their heads toward the car and then
      they start moving, walking, running, racing toward the
      car.

215   ANGLE - SCENE                                                 215

      as this mob of reporters and cameramen attack the car in
      the pouring rain.

                                 PETER
                   You don't know me but I'm...
      But Peter is buried in the onslaught before he can say
      another word.

                                                                84.         *

216   INT. CAR - MORNING                                              216
                              GOLDBERG
                Jesus Christ! Get out and get
                that door open or we'll never get
                him out of the fucking car.
                              MARTIN
                Bullshit reigns. Put the cuffs
                on him.
      Martin goes. Killian climbs over Sherman.      Goldberg
      puts cuffs on Sherman.

                              SHERMAN
                I'm going to jail. Aren't I?

                              KILLIAN
                Let me get out first. Now listen.
                You don't say anything. Don't
                cover your face. Don't hang your
                head. You don't even know they're
                there. Okay?
                              SHERMAN
                I'm going to jail.
217   EXT. CAR - MARTIN AND KILLIAN                                   217
      help Sherman out of the car and all hell breaks loose.

      SOMEONE sticks a camera into Sherman's face.
                               SOMEONE
                Sherman!   Hey, shitface.    Over
                here!
      Goldberg, Martin and Killian try to push through the mob.

      Goldberg swings at a camera and knocks it down.
                              VOICE
                Hey, Sherman, how you going to
                plead?
      Peter Fallow falls to the ground.     Sherman and Goldberg
      step on him as they push ahead.

                              VOICES
                You ever been arrested before?
                Who's the brunette? What were you
                doing in the Bronx? Why didn't you
                stop, Sherman? Sherman! This way!
                This way! How's your wife taking
                this, Sherman?
      A microphone is shoved into Sherman's face.
                                                 (CONTINUED)

)X(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/12/90                    85.

217   CONTINUED:                                                      217
                                 VOICES
                   How much did you make last year?
                   Hey, fuckhead! How do you like
                   this cocktail party? Why'd you
                   hit him? Give us a statement.
                   Come on, Sherman, give us a break.
                   Give us a little something, you
                   fucking racist.
      Kramer is enjoying all this.

218   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                 218
      assaulted by cameras, microphones and people as he is
      pushed through the metal door. Killian is being left
      outside.

                                 KILLIAN
                          (screaming over the
                           noise of the mob)
                   Don't make any statements! Don't
                   talk to anybody, especially in the
                   pens!  I'll be upstairs when they
                   bring you up for arraignment...
                                 KRAMER
                   You may have a long wait, Mr.
                   Killian. If I have anything to
                   say about it.
                                  KILLIAN
                   Yeah?   Fuck you, too, Kramer.
219   ANGLE - PETER FALLOW                                            219
      pulls himself up off the ground.     He is more dazed than
      hurt.

220   OMITTED                                                         220

221   QUICK CUTS                                                      221
      A)   Sherman's cuffs are removed.

      B)   The contents of Sherman's pockets are laid on
           the table.
      C)   Sherman removes his belt.    His pants drop to his
           hips.

      D)   Sherman removes his shoelaces and drops them on a
           table.
                                                                            *

)X(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/12/90                 85A.          *

A222   ANGLE - SHERMAN'S FEET                                        A222
       coming out of his shoes as he tries to walk.

B222   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                               B222
       walking through a metal detection gate.      The
       ALARM SOUNDS.

                                GOLDBERG
                 Whoa.   Whoa. Give me your coat.
                 Okay.   Try it again.

       Sherman walks back through the gate.    The ALARM SOUNDS
       again.
                               GOLDBERG
                 What the fuck? Wait a minute.
                 Come here. Bend over.
       Sherman looks terrified.
                               GOLDBERG
                 I ain't going to touch you. Just
                 bend over at the waist and back
                 through the gate. Real slow.
       Sherman bends over at a ninety-degree angle and, holding
       up his trousers, shuffles backwards through the gate.
                               GOLDBERG
                 Slow. Slow. Slow. A little
                 farther, little farther. Little
                 farther. Little farther...
       As Sherman's head goes through the gate, the ALARM
       SOUNDS. Goldberg jumps up and down and claps his hands
       with delight.

                                GOLDBERG
                 Hey, Martin.   Come here.   Look
                 at this.

       Martin approaches.
                               GOLDBERG
                 Okay, Sherman. Do that again.
                 Real slow.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

)X(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/12/90                   85B.          *

B222   CONTINUED:                                                      B222
       Sherman repeats the humiliating action. When finally
       his head reaches the gate, the ALARM SOUNDS again.

                                  GOLDBERG
                    It's his head! Swear to Christ.
                    It's his head. Open your mouth.

       Sherman opens his mouth. Goldberg grabs his jaw and
       angles it toward the light.
                                  GOLDBERG
                    Look in there. You want to see
                    some metal?
                                  MARTIN
                    Jesus Christ. Set of teeth look
                    like a change-maker.
                                  GOLDBERG
                    They ever let you on an airplane?
       Laughter.
                                                      CUT TO:
C222   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                 C222
       being photographed.

D222   ANGLE - SHERMAN'S HANDS                                         D222
       being fingerprinted.

)X(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/12/90                 86.
                                                                         *
222   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                              222
      is led quickly toward the cells. His shoes flop, his
      pants sag, he trips and almost falls. A cell door opens.
      Sherman is pushed inside. He turns to look back. The
      door bangs shut.
                                                   CUT TO:

223   INT. COURTROOM - CLERK - DAY (LATER)                         223
      is calling out...

                              CLERK
                Sherman McCoy.
224   ANGLE - OFFICER                                              224

      opens a side door.   We wait. Nothing. Then the sound
      of FEET SHUFFLING.   Finally, Sherman appears. He looks
      like a man who has  been dragged through hell -- his
      body, his clothing,  the look in his eyes. He staggers
      toward the bench.
225   ANGLE - REV. BACON AND ANNIE LAMB                            225

      seated in the front row of the spectators.
226   ANGLE - SHERMAN - DAY                                        226
      is facing Judge White. Killian is next to him.     Kramer
      is representing the District Attorney's office.
                              JUDGE WHITE
                Mr. McCoy, you know the charges
                that are being brought against
                you.
                                SHERMAN
                Hmn?    What?
                              JUDGE WHITE
                We want to know how you plead to
                the charges.
                                SHERMAN
                I am sorry.

                                JUDGE WHITE
                You're what?
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                    87.

226   CONTINUED:                                                      226
                                 SHERMAN
                   I am very sorry. Please forgive
                   me.
                                 KILLIAN
                   Just say, not guilty.

                                 SHERMAN
                   For my life. For everything.
                   I am truly sorry.

                                 KILLIAN
                   Your Honor, the defendant is under
                   extreme stress. He pleads not
                   guilty.

                                 SHERMAN
                   I repent all the sins of my past
                   life. I repent...
                                 KILLIAN
                   Just shut up, Sherman.   Defendant
                   pleads not guilty!

      Sudden commotion in the courtroom.     Sherman turns to
      look at...
227   ANOTHER ANGLE                                                   227

      Press and spectators are already buzzing out of control.
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   Bail has been set at $10,000...

                                   KRAMER
                   Your Honor...

                                 SPECTATORS
                   No bail! No bail! Lock him up!
                   Bang it shut!

                                 KRAMER
                   We do not believe it will serve the
                   interests of justice to allow this
                   defendant to go free on a token bail...

                                 KILLIAN
                   Your Honor, Mr. Kramer knows
                   very well...

                                 KRAMER
                   Given the emotions of the community...
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                  88.

227   CONTINUED:                                                    227
                                 KILLIAN
                   This is patent nonsense. Bail
                   has already been agreed to.
      The Spectators are booing and yelling at Killian to
      shut up.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                              *
                          (bangs the gavel)
                   Quiet! Where the hell do you
                   think you are?!

                                 KRAMER
                   I have a petition from the
                   community with an appeal to the
                   District Attorney that justice
                   be done. And Mr. Weiss himself
                   has instructed me to request bail
                   in the amount of $250,000. Cash.
                                 SPECTATORS
                          (cheering and
                           applauding)
                   Yeah! Yeah! Tell him! Tell him!
                   Tell him!
                                 JUDGE WHITE                              *
                   If your office has information
                   bearing upon the bail status of
                   this case, I instruct you to make
                   a formal application. Until then,
                   I am releasing Mr. McCoy under a
                   bond in the amount of $10,000. Now
                   get this side show out of my court.
                                 KRAMER
                   Your Honor, your action will do
                   irreparable damage not only to
                   the People's case...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                              *
                   Mr. Kramer, I have spoken.
                                 KRAMER
                   ... But to the cause of the people
                   as well.

                                   JUDGE WHITE                            *
                   Mr. Kramer...

                                 KRAMER
                   It ill-behooves the criminal
                   justice system...
                                                     (CONTINUED)

)J(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                 89.

227    CONTINUED:    (2)                                            227
                                  JUDGE WHITE                              *
                    Kindly behoove me no ill-behooves!!!

                                    KRAMER
                    Your Honor...

                                  JUDGE WHITE                              *
                    Mr. Kramer, the court directs you
                    to shut up!!!
       The crowd goes crazy, screaming and booing and chanting...

                                   CROWD
                    No bail!   Put him in jail!

       Killian grabs Sherman and pulls him toward the exit.
       The court officers form a wedge to help them through
       the screaming mob...
                                  CROWD
                    Murderer! Motherfucker! -- Say
                    your prayers, Park Avenue -- Tear
                    you a new one -- You mine,
                    needlenose! -- Count every breath,
                    baby!
228    CLOSE ON SHERMAN                                             228
       who is humiliated.
228A   EXT. COURTHOUSE - PETER FALLOW - LATE AFTERNOON              228A *
       is sitting on the steps of the courthouse. He is still
       covered with mud from having been trampled earlier. He
       takes a long swig from a bottle wrapped in a paper bag.
       He is drunk.

                                  PETER (V.O.)
                    It was too much for me. All of it.
                    Sherman McCoy had been swept away
                    from me. Before I could even speak
                    to him. And as the day progressed,
                    I began to appreciate the power, the
                    magnitude of the force that had been
                    unleashed by my little story.

228B   ANGLE - MOVING CROWD                                         228B
       of reporters, television people, photographers, etc.
       They run up the steps past Peter as they head toward the
       entrance to the courthouse. As they pass...

                                 VOICES
                    It's over! He's coming out!   Let's
                    go! Let's go!

                                                             90.

228C   ANGLE - PETER                                               228C
       dodges the onslaught, pulls himself up, and starts
       moving in the opposite direction.

                               PETER (V.O.)
                 Jackels. Dogs. Yapping at the
                 heels of their prey. And I was
                 one of them. Well, let them have
                 it. Enough is enough. I was
                 finished. I summoned what little
                 dignity I had left and decided to
                 go home...

                               SHERMAN (O.S.)
                 Excuse me, do you know where I can
                 find a taxi?

228D   ANGLE TO INCLUDE SHERMAN MCCOY                              228D
       who has just come out the side entrance of the building.
       Peter is flabbergasted.
                                 PETER
                 Jesus Christ.

                               SHERMAN
                 Sherman McCoy.
                                 PETER
                 Yes. I know.     I know that.   What
                 are you...?
                               SHERMAN
                 I need a taxi.

                               PETER
                 You need to get out of here.

228E   ANGLE - CROWD OF REPORTERS                                  228E
       change direction and start moving away from the front
       entrance and toward the side entrance. As they go...

                               VOICES
                 The other way! Other way! He's
                 coming out the back! Move! Move!
                 Move!

228F   ANGLE - FALLOW AND SHERMAN                                  228F
       see the mob moving toward them.   Fallow grabs Sherman
       and pulls him toward a subway.

                                PETER
                 This way.   Come on.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                               91.

228F   CONTINUED:                                                    228F
                                 SHERMAN
                    Uh. I don't normally ride the
                    subway.
                                 PETER
                    Me either. Especially on a first
                    date. But we don't really have a
                    choice.
       They enter the subway.

228G   INT. SUBWAY CAR - SHERMAN AND PETER - DAY                     228G
       Sherman is dazed, still in shock.       He looks very
       fragile.

                                  PETER
                    Are you alright?
                                   SHERMAN
                    Oh, fine.   Yes, thanks.
                                  PETER
                    Look, I owe you an apology...
                                  SHERMAN
                    No, you were very helpful.
                                  PETER
                    You don't know who I am.
                                  SHERMAN
                    That's alright. Thanks.     I should
                    go.
                                  PETER
                    Go where?

                                  SHERMAN
                    Well...

                                 PETER
                    Look. Sit down. Just sit down a
                    minute. I'll get you home.                              *

       They do.   Peter offers Sherman his bottle.

                                  PETER
                    Would you like a drink? I happen
                    to have a little something...

       Sherman looks with some caution at the bottle in the
       paper bag.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                  92.

228G   CONTINUED:                                                       228G
                                    SHERMAN
                    Uh.   No.   Thanks.

                                 PETER
                    Go on. Fuck it. What are they
                    going to do? Arrest you?

       Sherman smiles and takes a drink.         He looks around the
       car. It's a rough crowd.
                                  SHERMAN
                    Does this train go anywhere near
                    Park Avenue?
                                  PETER
                    Not in a million years.

                                  SHERMAN
                    My father took the subway every                            *
                    day of his life.                                           *
                                 PETER
                    Yeah. But he didn't live in the                            *
                    South Bronx. Did he?                                       *
                                    SHERMAN
                    No.
       They both laugh.
                                  SHERMAN
                    I look terrible.
                                  PETER
                    You look like shit.       And you smell,
                    too.

                                  SHERMAN
                    I think, when I was in the jail,
                    I pissed in my pants.

       They laugh again. Sherman gets caught somewhere between
       laughing and crying. He starts to lose control.
                                    PETER
                    Take it easy.

                                    SHERMAN
                    I'm alright.

                                    PETER
                    Yeah.
                                  SHERMAN
                    I can't think.
                                                         (CONTINUED)

)O(     BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                   93.

228G    CONTINUED:    (2)                                              228G
                                    PETER
                     It's okay.   Have another drink.

        Sherman takes a long drink.
228H    INT. TUNNEL - TRAIN - LATE AFTERNOON                           228H *

        CLATTERS through the darkness.
228-I   INT. SUBWAY CAR - PETER AND SHERMAN - LATE AFTERNOON           228-I*

        as the car slows down.     Sherman is slightly drunk.
                                   SHERMAN
                     ... and then this newspaper thing
                     started, this Peter Fallow person,
                     and all the facts were wrong, total
                     disregard for the truth. Why do
                     they do this?
                                   PETER
                     This is you. You'll be right on
                     Lexington Avenue.

                                   SHERMAN
                     They call me by my first name.
                     Like they know me. Like they own
                     me. Newspapers, lawyers, police,
                     people I don't even know. How did
                     I get to be so important?
                                   PETER
                     You're not important. You're just
                     dinner. You know what I mean? And
                     a week from now, a month -- nobody
                     is even going to remember what they
                     ate.

        The car stops. Sherman steps onto the platform.        Peter
        remains in the car. Sherman looks back at him.

                                   SHERMAN
                     I should have called the police
                     right away, when it happened. But
                     I couldn't you see? It wasn't
                     really my decision.

                                   PETER
                     How do you mean?

                                   SHERMAN
                     I mean, I wasn't driving the car.
                                   PETER
                     What?!
                                                        (CONTINUED)

        BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                   94.

228-I   CONTINUED:                                                     228-I
        The doors to the train start to close.     Peter tries to
        stop them.

                                   PETER
                     Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

228J    ANGLE - CLOSE ON PETER                                         228J

        as the doors close and the train pulls away.
229     EXT. PARK AVENUE - DEMONSTRATORS - NIGHT                       229

        are marching up and down in front of Sherman's apartment
        building. Among them are five very tall black men play-
        ing with a basketball.

230     ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                230
        stops near the building. The basketball flies toward
        him. He catches it. Before anyone sees him, he enters
        through the service entrance.
231     OMITTED                                                        231

232     INT. ELEVATOR - SHERMAN - NIGHT                                232
        looks like he feels -- unclean, unshaven, slightly drunk,
        his clothes soiled, torn and disheveled. He seems to
        stoop slightly under the weight of his humiliation.
233     ANGLE - ELEVATOR DOORS                                         233
        open and suddenly we are in the midst of...

234     ANGLE - PARTY                                                  234
        in high gear. Most of the guests are recognizable from
        the previous party at the museum. Sherman is shocked.
        But before he can get his bearings...
                                  BOBBY SHALFET                               *
                     Sherman! You sly fox. Great
                     to see you. Everybody! It's                              *
                     Sherman! Bravo! Bravo!                                   *
                                                                              *
        They all turn and applaud.    As Sherman moves through                *
        them...                                                               *
                                                                              *
                                   NUNNALLY VOYD                              *
                     Sherman, my boy. Whatever you do,
                     don't let the newspapers get you
                     down.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 95.         *

234   CONTINUED:                                                   234
                                 MAN
                   Fruit flies. That's all they are.
                   They swarm. They hover over the
                   faces. You take a swipe at them,
                   they run away.

                                NUNNALLY VOYD
                   Yes. But they always come back to
                   the shit. Don't they?
                                 WOMAN
                   And I always thought of you as
                   such a dull person.
                                 MAN WITH PONYTAIL
                   Sherman, has anybody talked to you
                   about television?
                                   SHERMAN
                   Uh... no.    What?                                    *
                                 MAN WITH PONYTAIL
                   We'd have to play down the racial
                   thing and try to make you a little
                   more sympathetic. You know,
                   sympathetic.
                                                                         *
                                  SHERMAN
                   Excuse me...
235   ANGLE - RAWLIE THORPE                                        235
      approaches Sherman.

                                   RAWLIE
                   Sherman.    Gee. Hi.

                                  SHERMAN
                   Rawlie.
                                RAWLIE
                   Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt
                   anything.
                                  SHERMAN
                   No.   No.

                                 RAWLIE
                   Gene asked me to come by...

                                 SHERMAN
                   Yeah. I haven't really been able
                   to talk to anybody.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                     96.

235   CONTINUED:                                                       235
                                 RAWLIE
                   He just wanted you to know,
                   anything we can do...
                                 SHERMAN
                   Oh, well. I should be down there
                   in a day or so...

                                 RAWLIE
                   Oh, that won't be necessary.
                   That's what I came to... I was
                   sent to tell you. I mean, you
                   don't have to... I mean, you
                   shouldn't come down. I mean,
                   they don't want you to come down.

                                     SHERMAN
                   Oh.    I see.    Well.
                                  RAWLIE
                   Jesus,  Sherman. I'm sorry. But
                   between  all this and the way you
                   handled  Bernard on the Giscard deal.                     *
                   I mean,  six hundred million...                           *
                                 SHERMAN
                   That's final, huh?
                                 RAWLIE
                   Well, the firm feels...
                                     SHERMAN
                   Yes.    Yes.    Of course.   Excuse me.

      FOLLOW him INTO...
236   INT. KITCHEN - SHERMAN                                           236

      finds Judy and Bonita putting dinner together.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Judy.   What is going on?
                                 JUDY
                   This is a dinner party. It was
                   planned weeks ago. If you ever
                   bothered to look at your calendar...
                                 SHERMAN
                   But Judy, I mean, under the
                   circumstances...

                                                        (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                     97/98.

236   CONTINUED:                                                      236
                                 JUDY
                   Yes. I know the whole story.     I
                   heard it -- saw it all on
                   television. On television?!
                                  SHERMAN
                   I'm sorry.   I am. Believe me.

                                 JUDY
                   You betrayed us, Sherman. Me.
                   Campbell. Even yourself. On the                          *
                   other hand, I am going to chair                          *
                   the museum benefit thanks to you                         *
                   and your escapades on the public                         *
                   airways. What can I say? Life                            *
                   goes on. I can only make the best                        *
                   of an absolutely appalling situation
                   and carry on.
                                 SHERMAN
                   But can you forgive me?
                                 JUDY
                   I suppose I can forgive   anything,
                   but not television. I'm    leaving                       *
                   you, Sherman. After the    party.                        *
                   Now if you'll excuse me,   we have                       *
                   guests.

      She leaves.
237   ANGLE - TO INCLUDE SALLY RAWTHROTE                              237
      as she sails into the kitchen, she sees Judy leave.
                                 SALLY
                   Oh, my darling, is this a bad
                   time?
                                 SHERMAN
                   I beg your pardon...

                                 SALLY
                   What am I saying? Of course it's
                   a bad time. But I just wanted to
                   see if I can be of any help.

                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                              99.

237   CONTINUED:                                                    237
                                 SHERMAN
                   Well, that's very kind of you.

                                 SALLY
                   You know I haven't been in this
                   apartment since the McCleods had
                   it. That was before the
                   Kittridges. I hope I'm not being
                   out of place.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Not at all... uh...
                                 SALLY
                   Sally.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Anyway, thank you.
                                 SALLY
                   No, really, anything I can do.
                   With the apartment, is what I
                   mean.

                                 SHERMAN
                   The apartment?
                                 SALLY
                   I find people often need to be as
                   liquid as they can in these
                   situations and I know I can get
                   you seven-and-a-half right at
                   this moment. Fabled aristocratic
                   tycoon -- it's the celebrity
                   appeal. Maybe eight. If we act
                   quickly this kind of opportunity
                   doesn't come along every day. You
                   have to ride the wave.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Excuse me.   I have to... uh...
                   Excuse me.
238   INT. LIVING ROOM - SHERMAN                                    238

      comes out of the kitchen. As he tries to make his way
      through the living room, trying to avoid the guests...
239   ANGLE - POLLARD BROWNING                                      239

      intercepting Sherman.     Sherman keeps walking.   Pollard
      follows.
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             100.

239   CONTINUED:                                                    239
                                  SHERMAN
                   Pollard.   How are you?

                                 POLLARD
                   Sorry to interrupt your dinner.

                                  SHERMAN
                   Not at all.   The more the merrier.
                                 POLLARD
                   I've been in touch with the co-op
                   board, well, most of them, and we
                   want you to know you have our
                   support.

                                 SHERMAN
                   You know, at first I wanted to die.
                   Standing there in court, people
                   calling my name...
                                  POLLARD
                   Yes.   Of course. Hard to believe.
                                 SHERMAN
                   And then I thought, I have a gun.
                   Twelve gauge. Double barrel...
      FOLLOW them INTO...

240   INT. STUDY - SHERMAN                                       240
      goes to the closet and pulls out the shotgun.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Here it is.
                                 POLLARD
                   Sherman, we've known each other
                   a long time. We went to Buckley
                   together. My father knew your
                   father. I speak as a friend. But
                   also as president of the board.
                   Is that a gun?
                                 SHERMAN
                   I wonder if I can get both barrels
                   into my mouth. That's what I was
                   thinking. And how do you pull the
                   trigger. I read somewhere about a
                   man who took off his shoe and
                   pulled the trigger with his toe.

                                 POLLARD
                   Yes. This can't be a comfortable
                   situation for you.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                               101.

240   CONTINUED:                                                      240
                                 SHERMAN
                   And where would I do it?   Who
                   would find me?
                                 POLLARD
                   Exactly. Yes. Have you
                   considered... changing residence
                   until things quiet down?
                                 SHERMAN
                   You want me to leave?

                                POLLARD
                   Well...

                                 SHERMAN
                   This is my home...
                                 POLLARD
                   I understand that...
                                 SHERMAN
                   This is the only safe place I
                   have. People are threatening my
                   life. I have to protect myself.
      He loads the gun and fills his pockets with shells.
                                 POLLARD
                   There are people demonstrating in
                   front of our building. Black
                   people with basketballs! You're
                   putting everyone at risk. It's
                   not your fault. But that doesn't
                   alter the facts.
      FOLLOW Sherman and Pollard OUT of the study TO...

241   INT. LIVING ROOM - SHERMAN AND POLLARD                        241
                                 SHERMAN
                   Alter the facts?! The facts are
                   that I have no place else to go!
                   And you want me to move out?! Is
                   that what you're saying, Pollard.
                   You want me to move out of my
                   home?!
      The guests begin to listen to this exchange.

                                 POLLARD
                   You are a shareholder in a
                   cooperative. Look, we're not
                   asking you to do anything of
                   a permanent nature...
                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                               102.

241   CONTINUED:                                                      241
                                 SHERMAN
                   Why don't you move out, Pollard?
                   If you're so fucking terrified!
                                 POLLARD
                   Sherman, please...

                                 SHERMAN
                   And you can start by moving out
                   of this apartment right now.
                   Out! Now!

      Sherman points the gun at Pollard.
                                 POLLARD
                   I came here in good faith.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Oh, Pollard, you were a ridiculous
                   fat blowhard at Buckley and you're
                   a ridiculous fat blowhard now.
      Everyone watches as Sherman holds Pollard at gunpoint and
      steers him out of the room.
                                 POLLARD
                   I will have to enforce the
                   provision concerning unacceptable
                   situations.
                                 SHERMAN
                   Another word out of you, Pollard,
                   and there's going to be an
                   unacceptable situation right up                          *
                   your ass! Now march!                                     *
      The guests applaud.    Sherman turns to face them.

                                 SHERMAN
                   And that goes for the rest of you,
                   too. Out. All of you.

      The guests look confused, they don't really believe
      him. Sherman aims the GUN at the ceiling. He FIRES.
      EXPLOSION. People scream.

242   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                               242
      waves the smoking shotgun at them.

                                SHERMAN
                   Out! Stinking lot of anorexic
                   parasites. Get out of my house!
                                                      (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                      103.

242    CONTINUED:                                                         242
       He FIRES another SHOT. The room clears.        Judy comes
       running from the kitchen.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Out of my house, out of my life!

       The DOG comes BARKING into the room.     Campbell follows.,
       Judy grabs her.
                                  JUDY                                           *
                    Say goodbye to Daddy.                                        *

                                   CAMPBELL                                      *
                    'Bye, Daddy.   See you later.                                *

                                  JUDY                                           *
                           (as they go)                                          *
                    You can see him on television.                               *
       Sherman reloads and keeps FIRING until everyone is
       gone. LAMPS EXPLODE, furniture splinters, plaster
       falls.                                                                    *
                                  SHERMAN
                    Sherman McCoy is dead. Sherman
                    McCoy of Park Avenue and Wall
                    Street and Southampton -- gone.
                    Dead. I will never be Sherman
                    McCoy again. Never!
242A   OMITTED                                                            242A
thru                                                                      thru
247                                                                       247

248    INT. LEICESTER'S - CLOSE ON PETER - NIGHT                          248
       who looks very depressed.

                                  PETER (V.O.)
                    That same evening, just a few
                    blocks away, I was being praised
                    and congratulated. It should
                    have been a very triumphant yours
                    truly at Leicester's. But it
                    wasn't.

       PULL BACK to include Peter surrounded by fawning packs of
       well-wishers, including Gerald Moore.
                                  PETER (V.O.)
                    ... my little encounter with Sherman
                    McCoy was spoiling everything. The
                    truth has a way of doing that.
                                                       (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 104.

248   CONTINUED:                                                    248
                                 WOMAN
                   Beautiful stuff, Peter.   First rate.

                                 MAN
                   He looks like a real killer, this                      *
                   McCoy fellow. Doesn't he?                              *

                                 ANOTHER WOMAN
                   You can see it in the photographs.
                   You can see it in his chin.

                                 ANOTHER MAN
                   Arrogant son a bitch, isn't he? I
                   hope they throw the book at him.

      Evelyn Moore approaches Gerald.

                                   EVELYN
                   Daddy.    Dinner.
                                 MOORE
                   Yes, darling. Shall we have Peter
                   here come along with us?

                                  EVELYN
                   Lovely.
      Gerald and Evelyn lead Peter toward the back dining room.

                                 MOORE
                   I want to give this story our full
                   attention, Peter. It makes us look
                   better and better, the more we do
                   for this Lamb family. Poor little
                   Lambs, poor little fuzzy-wuzzy wogs.
      Caroline Heftshank intercepts them.     She is very drunk.

                                 CAROLINE
                   Excuse me, Peter. There's a phone
                   call for you upstairs in the office.

      Peter makes excuses to Gerald and Evelyn and follows
      Caroline away.

249   OMITTED                                                       249

250   INT. UPSTAIRS OFFICE - PETER AND CAROLINE - NIGHT             250
      come into the office.

                                 PETER
                   Where's the phone?
                                                    (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                   105.

250   CONTINUED:                                                      250
                                 CAROLINE
                   I lied. I wanted to see you alone.
                   I'm going to do you a favor.                             *
                                 PETER
                   Don't tell me I'm finally going
                   to get into your panties.

                                 CAROLINE
                   You don't deserve this, Peter. But
                   I'm going to tell you something.                         *
                                                                            *
      She reaches under her skirt and pulls off her panties.
      She drops them on the floor.

                                 PETER
                   Listen, Caroline. I'm sort of
                   with some people tonight.
                                 CAROLINE
                   Relax, darling. Do you remember
                   my pretty little Italian friend?
                   The painter.

                                PETER
                   Yes. Yes, I do. Franco or
                   Federico...
                                  CAROLINE
                   Filippo.   The little shit.
      Caroline climbs up on the desk, lifts her skirt and sits
      down on the Xerox machine.

                                 PETER
                   Caroline, you're absolutely soused.

                                 CAROLINE
                   Well, Filippo has run off with
                   a little slut you should know about.                     *

      She switches ON the MACHINE, which starts PHOTOCOPYING
      her twat.
                                 PETER
                   Caroline, isn't that dangerous?
                   Or at least unsanitary?
                                 CAROLINE
                   Shut up, Peter. You're not listening.
                   Her name is Maria Ruskin.
                                 (MORE)
                                                      (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                   106.         *

250   CONTINUED:    (2)                                               250
                                 CAROLINE (CONT'D)
                   She was subletting my apartment.
                   She was also subletting Filippo.
                   And, as it turns out, she was also
                   in the car with Sherman McCoy when
                   the accident happened.

                                 PETER
                   You're joking.
                                   CAROLINE
                   I never joke.    She was in the car.
                                 PETER
                   But how do you know all this?

                                 CAROLINE
                   The apartment was bugged. They
                   had a wire in the intercom. They
                   were trying to prove that I
                   wasn't living there. Which I
                   wasn't. Now I've lost the
                   apartment and the boyfriend.

                                 PETER
                   You don't know where they are?
                                 CAROLINE
                   No. But I'm trusting you to find
                   them. And when you do. Give
                   them this. Tell them this is the
                   little lady who turned them in.
      She takes one of the Xerox copies and hands it to Peter.
      Peter leaves. Caroline looks at the Xerox copy.
                                 CAROLINE
                   Maybe I should advertise...
251   OMITTED                                                         251


252   INT. RESTAURANT - MAITRE D' - DAY                               252
      points Fallow toward Arthur Ruskin's table.

                                 MAITRE D'
                   Monsieur Ruskin is already here.
253   ANGLE - ARTHUR RUSKIN                                           253

      seated at a table as Peter approaches. The Maitre d'
      seats them side by side on a banquette.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  107.         *

253   CONTINUED:                                                     253
                                 PETER
                   Arthur. Thanks for meeting me on
                   such short notice.
                                   ARTHUR
                   Peter Fallow?

                                 PETER
                   Yes. We've never met but I'm a
                   good friend of... your wife.

                                 ARTHUR
                          (a lament)
                   My wife! My wife! I'm glad she's
                   not here. Otherwise I couldn't
                   have a drink.
                          (to waiter)
                   Give me a Couvoisier V.S.O.P.
                   No. Put it in a sidecar.
                                  PETER
                   Yes.   Uh... where is Maria, by the
                   way?

                                 ARTHUR
                   Italy. Every time I turn around,
                   she's in Italy. I'm not supposed
                   to drink. But I love a sidecar.
                   It was Willi Nordhoff introduced
                   me to them. So. You're on the
                   City Light?
                                 PETER
                   Uh, yes. And we're doing a little
                   profile piece. We're calling it
                   the 'New Tycoons.' And, naturally,
                   we thought of you.

                                ARTHUR
                   Good. Good. I like that. New
                   tycoons. So what do you want to
                   know?
                                 PETER
                   Oh, there's no hurry. So Maria
                   is in Italy. Where abouts?

                                 ARTHUR
                   She's in Lake Como someplace.

                                 PETER
                   Well, there are some great hotels
                   in Lake Como. Is she at the
                   Excelsior?

                                                     (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 107A.

253   CONTINUED:    (1A)                                          253
                                 ARTHUR
                   What do I know? I just pay the                       *
                   bills. Well, she's young. She
                   needs young people. I'm not
                   stupid. I know what goes on.
                   We should order. I don't have
                   too much time.

                                 PETER
                   I'd like to talk to her, too.
                   If I could. If I could get in                        *
                   touch with her...                                    *
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             108.

253   CONTINUED:    (2)                                           253
                                 ARTHUR
                   Call the office. I'll give you
                   her number. She's something. I
                   always said it as a compliment,
                   but she's a lot of pussy to handle.
                   Excuse my language. What do you
                   want to eat?

254   ANGLE - WAITERS - LATER                                     254
      are bringing the main course to the table. Arthur is
      guzzling wine as he talks. Peter is bored silly.
                                 ARTHUR
                   ... But the best is just a few
                   weeks ago, one of these jackass
                   pilots, he lands long and the
                   plane goes off the runway. I was
                   there. I was on the plane. We're
                   going into Mecca, see. And the
                   plane is full of Arabs and all these
                   animals -- sheep, goats, chickens.
                   They won't travel without their
                   animals. We had to put plastic
                   in the cabins. You know, they
                   urinate, they defecate...
                                PETER
                   Yes.
                                 ARTHUR
                   Anyway, the plane goes off the
                   runway and we hit the sand with
                   a hell of a jolt and the right
                   wing tip digs into the sand and
                   the plane skids around in a circle!
                   360 degrees before we stop! We're
                   scared shitless. Panic. And we
                   look into the cabin and there's
                   everybody calm, quiet, they're
                   picking up their luggage and their
                   animals and they're looking out
                   the window at the little fire that
                   started on the wing and they're
                   waiting for the doors to open like
                   nothing happened. And then it
                   dawns on me. They think this is
                   normal!
      He starts to laugh as he talks.

                                 ARTHUR
                   They think this is the way you
                   stop an airplane.
                                 (MORE)
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                               109.

254   CONTINUED:                                                      254
                                 ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                   You stick one wing in the sand and
                   you spin around until you stop.
                          (coughing as he laughs
                           harder and harder)
                   What do they know? They never
                   rode in an airplane. They think
                   this is how you do it!
      Peter tries to laugh with Arthur. But Arthur's coughing
      turns into a spasm. He pushes his head back against
      the banquette. He seems to be humming. And then his
      head drops forward and he slumps against Peter.
                                  PETER
                   Arthur?   Arthur?

      He tries to signal a waiter.
                                  PETER
                   Excuse me.   Hello? Excuse me.
                   Waiter!!!
      The Maitre d' approaches the table.
                                 PETER
                   Mr. Ruskin seems to have suffered
                   some kind of -- well, I don't
                   know.
                                 MAITRE D'
                          (very disappointed)
                   Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

                                 PETER
                   I think you'd better call someone.

      Arthur drops forward suddenly, his face hitting his
      plate. A woman at the next table squeals.
                                 MAITRE D'
                          (annoyed)
                   Freddy? Attention, s'il vous
                   plait!

      Two waiters   help the Maitre d' pull the table out.
      Arthur slips   off his plate and falls onto the floor.
      Some people   notice. But, in general, the activity
      in the room   continues.

      The Maitre d' gives orders to the waiters.

      A MAN approaches Peter.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                            110.

254   CONTINUED:    (2)                                           254
                                 MAN
                   Is he choking? Let me give him
                   the Heimlich maneuver.
                                 MAITRE D'
                   Excuse me, Monsieur Roberts. You
                   are not a doctor. And there are
                   legal complications.
                                 MR. ROBERTS
                   Yes, I see, but...

                                 MAITRE D'
                   For your own protection and mine
                   and my restaurant, we leave
                   Monsieur Ruskin in the hands of God
                   and we go back to our escargots.
                                 PETER
                   Well, somebody has to do something.
      Peter tries to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Ruskin.
                                 MAITRE D'
                   We have called the police. An
                   ambulance is coming. There is
                   nothing more we can do. Would
                   you like some coffee or dessert?

                                 MR. ROBERTS
                          (to Peter)
                   Gee, buddy. I think he's dead.
      Peter lets go of Ruskin.    Ruskin slides to the floor --
      dead.
                                MAITRE D'
                   Eh, voila.
                                PETER
                   Jesus.

                                 MAITRE D'
                          (drops a card
                           in front of Peter)
                   L'addition, s'il vous plait.

                                PETER
                   What?

                                 MAITRE D'
                   The bill, monsieur. Thank you.
                   And we do not accept credit cards.

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                 111.

255   EXT. AIRPORT - 747 - DUSK                                     255   *
      is landing.

256   INT. AIRPORT - MARIA - DUSK                                   256   *
      comes out of Customs.    She is wearing black and has a
      veil over her face.

257   ANGLE - FALLOW                                                257
      approaches her.   They walk as they talk...

                                PETER
                Mrs. Ruskin?
                                MARIA
                Yes?

                              PETER
                My name is Peter Fallow. I just
                wanted to offer my sympathy.
                               MARIA
                        (through tears)
                How very kind. Did you know
                Arthur?
                              PETER
                Ah, well, yes. I was actually
                quite close to him when he died.
                              MARIA
                I've reprobated myself over and
                over again for being away...

                              PETER
                You shouldn't.

258   EXT. TERMINAL - MARIA AND PETER - DUSK                        258   *
      move toward Maria's waiting limousine.

                              MARIA
                Well, thank you for the kind
                words. I must go now.

                              PETER
                Yes. Just one other thing. I
                understand you're a friend of
                Sherman McCoy.

                                MARIA
                I'm sorry...?
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                               112.         *

258    CONTINUED:                                                     258
                                  PETER
                    Yes. I gather you were not only
                    in the car with him when he had his
                    unfortunate accident in the Bronx.
                    But I understand you were driving.

       Maria turns and looks at him -- hard and cold.

                                  MARIA
                    Sherman would never tell you that.

                                  PETER
                    I was hoping you might tell me
                    exactly what happened that night.

                                  MARIA
                    Look, Mr.... Mr....
                                  PETER
                    Fallow.
                                  MARIA
                    ... Peckerhead. I am here for my
                    husband's funeral. Understand?
                    Now go away. Disappear.
                    Disintegrate.
       She gets into the car.     Fallow watches the car pull away.
       He smiles.
259    OMITTED                                                        259
259A   EXT. HOSPITAL - NEWSSTAND - DAY                              259A

       The headline on the City Lights reads:
                              "FINANCIER'S WIDOW IS
                              MCCOY MYSTERY WOMAN"
259B   INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - HENRY LAMB - DAY                        259B

       is lying in a coma -- a beatific smile on his face.
259C   ANGLE TO INCLUDE FOX, BACON, ANNIE LAMB AND PETER FALLOW 259C

       around the bed.

                                  FOX
                    What kind of muckracking yellow
                    journalist are you!? You print
                    a story like this without so much
                    as a by-your-leave to me or to
                    Reverend Bacon here! Who the
                    hell do you think you are.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  113.          *

259C   CONTINUED:                                                     259C
                                  ANNIE
                           (tearfully)
                    Please, you have to keep your
                    voices down.
                                  PETER
                    Look, don't you understand? It
                    is very possible that Sherman
                    McCoy was not driving that car.
                    And I can almost prove it.

                                  FOX
                    So what?! So what?!   So what?!
                    This is our case.

       He gestures toward Henry Lamb.

                                  FOX
                    Right here. You see? It's the
                    hospital that's the guilty party.
                                  PETER
                    The hospital?! What are you
                    talking about?
                                  FOX
                    A young man comes in here with a
                    cerebral concussion and they treat
                    him for a broken wrist. That is
                    our case! That is the lawsuit
                    that we are going to bring
                    against this hospital. That is
                    what we have been working toward
                    all this time. And you are
                    confusing the issue! Do you
                    understand me?!

                                  PETER
                    Alright, alright. But Christ,
                    Albert, this is a great story.
                    This is my exclusive. And it's
                    also the truth!
                                  BACON
                    It's a little late for you to
                    start telling the truth, isn't
                    it, Pete?
                                  PETER
                    I can't just drop this now.   I
                    can't just let it go.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90             114.          *

259C   CONTINUED:    (2)                                         259C
                                  FOX
                    Sure you can. There's gonna be
                    other stories, other exclusives.
                    Don't worry. We'll take care of
                    you.

                                  BACON
                    That's right. You're our boy,
                    Peter. You take care of us and
                    we'll take care of you. I promise
                    you, that's going to be a very
                    profitable relationship for all
                    of us.
       Suddenly, Annie starts to weep.

                                  BACON
                    Annie, I know that nothing can
                    heal the wound that you have
                    suffered. But ten million dollars
                    in damages will certainly make
                    your grief more comfortable.
                                  ANNIE
                    Well, yes, I could use a few
                    things, Reverend, thank you. I
                    been worried about my clothes for
                    instance. I feel that the
                    presentation of my person should
                    be carefully designed. As a model
                    to black mothers everywhere, I
                    think I should have the right
                    wardrobe. So if you could have
                    Mr. Fox's limousine pick me up in
                    the morning, I could do some
                    shopping.

                                  FOX
                    Why certainly.
                                  ANNIE
                    I'll need some furniture, too.
                    And a new refrigerator.
                    And although I should probably
                    continue to live in that shithole
                    of an apartment at least until
                    after the lawsuit is settled, I
                    would like to start looking now
                    for a co-op in Manhattan -- for me
                    and my son -- something with a view
                    of the river and preferably in a
                    neighborhood that is at least
                    upwardly mobile.
       Pause as they all look at her.

)O(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                115.

260    CLOSE ON PETER                                               260
                               PETER (V.O.)
                 How could I turn my back on the
                 plight of this grief stricken
                 woman? How could I turn my back
                 on a 'profitable relationship'? I
                 was touched to the depths of what
                 was left of my soul... and my bank
                 account.
260A   OMITTED                                                      260A
thru                                                                thru
262A                                                                262A *
262B   INT. WEISS'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON NEWSPAPER - DAY               262B

       The headline reads:

                          "CITY LIGHT EXCLUSIVE
                 DID NEGLIGENT HOSPITAL SLAUGHTER LAMB?"
                                                                           *
                               PETER (V.O.)
                 So I printed their little story.
                 Well, why not? Why not be the
                 best whore in the house? And
                 anyway, I was beginning to see
                 even greater possibilities in my
                 situation.
                                                                           *
       The shades are drawn; the room is dark. Weiss sits at
       his desk. Andriutti and Kramer are with him.
                               WEISS
                        (quietly)
                 Now they're going to sue the
                 hospital. You see? All they want
                 is money. Imagine using a terrible
                 tragedy like this for your own
                 selfish motives.
                                KRAMER
                 Yes, sir.   It is terrible.

                               WEISS
                 Shut up, you asshole.

                               KRAMER
                 Yes, sir.
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)O(     BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                  116.

262B    CONTINUED:                                                     262B
                                   WEISS
                     What's happening to my case? The
                     People versus Sherman McCoy?
                     Where is my issue? Where is my
                     cause? Where is my hope?

                                   ANDRIUTTI
                     I think we better talk to this
                     Mrs. Ruskin.
                                   WEISS
                     You go to the press. You tell
                     them we're going to question the
                     woman, and if she is the woman who
                     was in the car, she faces possible
                     charges, etcetera, etcetera.

                                   ANDRIUTTI
                     Alright.
                                   WEISS
                     And you, Mr. Wise-Guy-Know-It-All-
                     Shitface, you're the one got us
                     into this, you're going to get us
                     out. You go to this broad, you
                     tell her she's in a whole lot of
                     trouble, lay it on. But, but, but
                     -- if she is willing to cooperate,
                     if she will say what we want her
                     to say, then we will grant her
                     immunity.
                                   KRAMER
                     Yes, sir.
                                    WEISS
                     Go on, go.   What are you waiting for?

                                   KRAMER
                     Well today is her husband's funeral.                     *

                                   WEISS
                            (exploding)
                     I don't care if today is her                             *
                     mother's bar mitzvah, you go talk                        *
                     to her!!!                                                *

        As Kramer exits...
                                                      CUT TO:

A262B   EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE (59TH ST.) - FALLOW - DAY            A262B
        Approaching the building.

        BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90              117.          *

B262B   INT. HALLWAY - FALLOW                                   B262B
        Is knocking on a door that has a sign reading "Super-
        intendant." The door opens. We recognize the workman
        who was fixing the intercom in Maria's apartment.
                                PETER
                  Mr. Leach?

                                LEACH
                  Yeah?
                                PETER
                  I understand you been doing some
                  creative wiring in this building.
        Peter and Leach continue talking.

                                PETER (V.O.)
                  In less than three minutes, I had
                  what I was looking for. It was
                  more than a story. I had the
                  makings of a book here. A great
                  book. A prize winning effort.
                  All I needed was a big finish.

        Leach opens the door wide and Fallow steps into the apart-
        ment. As the door closes...
                                PETER (V.O.)
                  So I shipped off a little present
                  to Sherman McCoy's lawyer and I
                  waited for the fireworks...
262C                                                               262
thru                                                               thru
262E                                                               262E
262F    INT. McCOY APARTMENT - CLOSE ON CASSETTE PLAYER            262F

        Killian's hand flips the switch, the TAPE PLAYS.
                                SHERMAN (V.O.)
                  Where are you going?
                                MARIA (V.O.)
                         (on tape)
                  The airport. I told you. I have
                  a car coming in -- oh, God, ten
                  minutes. We have time for a
                  quickie. What do you say?

262G    ANGLE TO INCLUDE SHERMAN AND KILLIAN                       262G

                               SHERMAN
                  That's us! That's me! That's
                  Maria! How did you get this?
                                                  (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                    118.

262G   CONTINUED:                                                       262G
                                   KILLIAN
                    Shhh!   Listen.

       Killian lets the tape fast forward.        Then...
                                  SHERMAN (V.O.)
                           (on tape)
                    I suppose we could still go to the
                    police. We could get a very
                    talented lawyer...

                                  MARIA (V.O.)
                           (on tape)
                    And put our heads right into the
                    horse's mouth? I'm the one who
                    was driving the car. Don't you
                    think I'm the one who should make
                    the decision? And I say, no. No,
                    Sherman. Trust me.
       Killian switches off the machine.
                                  SHERMAN
                    You mean the apartment was wired                           *
                    -- bugged -- all that time?                                *
                                   KILLIAN
                    Yeah.   I checked it all out.                              *
                    Whoever  sent me this tape is                              *
                    either  a big fan of yours or a not                        *
                    so big  fan of Maria Ruskin.                               *
                                  SHERMAN
                    Then we have this as evidence.
                                  KILLIAN
                    No. It's an illegal      tape. Totally
                    illegal. The guy who      did this
                    could go to jail for     this. Now if
                    this were your tape,     it would be
                    legal. But it's not.

                                  SHERMAN
                    What do you mean, 'my tape'?

                                  KILLIAN
                    Well, if you were wired and you
                    recorded your own conversation
                    that would be okay. But there is
                    no way that this tape can be used
                    as evidence in a court of law.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Then what good is it?

                                                        (CONTINUED)

)R(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/8/90                     119.

262G   CONTINUED:    (2)                                                262G
                                  KILLIAN
                    It gave me an idea.

                                  SHERMAN
                    An idea about what?

                                  KILLIAN
                    An idea about what to wear when
                    you go to this funeral.
                                    SHERMAN
                    What funeral?
263    OMITTED                                                          263

264    EXT. FUNERAL PARLOR (MADISON AVENUE) - DAY                       264

       A procession of limousines pushing through a crowd of
       press and bystanders to deposit the mourners at the front
       door. Among those arriving, we see Jed Kramer.                          *
265    OMITTED                                                          265
thru                                                                    thru
269A                                                                    269A
269B   INT. FUNERAL PARLOR - MARIA - DAY                                269B
       dressed in black enters and walks down the aisle.        People
       stop her and offer condolences.
269C   ANGLE - KRAMER                                                   269C
       comes into the chapel.

269D   ANGLE - SHERMAN                                                  269D
       wearing dark glasses and a raincoat, hiding near a door-
       way that leads into an adjacent "family room." As Maria
       passes, he signals her. FOLLOW Maria INTO:
269E   INT. CRYPTS - SHERMAN                                     269E

       closes the door as Maria enters.
                                   MARIA
                    Sherman!   Whatever are you doing
                    here?
                                  SHERMAN
                    I'm sorry, Maria. I have to talk
                    to you.

                                                        (CONTINUED)

       BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                   120.

269E   CONTINUED:    (A1)                                              269E
                                  MARIA
                    You seem to be doing all your
                    talking to the newspapers these
                    days.
                                  SHERMAN
                    Believe me, I had nothing to do
                    with that. We didn't want your
                    name in the papers any more than
                    you did.

                                  MARIA
                    I see. Well, here we are,
                    Sherman. The couple that all New
                    York is talking about. And we're
                    not even a couple anymore.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                           121.          *

269E   CONTINUED:                                                 269E
                                  SHERMAN
                    I thought you'd run out  on me. I
                    didn't even know where  you went.
                    And I was left sort of  holding the
                    bag, trying to protect  you.

                                 MARIA
                    Oh, Sherman. Would I do that to
                    you? Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
       She embraces him, her hands moving toward the hidden
       recorder. Sherman takes both her hands and pulls them
       to his chest.
                                  MARIA
                    What are we going to do with you?

                                  SHERMAN
                    You have to help me, Maria.
                                  MARIA
                    But how can I help you?
                                  SHERMAN
                    Well, I know this may sound like
                    a strange request, but you could
                    start by telling the police what
                    really happened.

                                  MARIA
                    Oh, Sherman, you are the sweetest
                    thing. But I'm not sure anybody
                    knows what really happened. Not
                    anymore. And if anybody does
                    know, it certainly isn't me.
                                  SHERMAN
                    But you were driving the car that
                    night.
                                  MARIA
                    Was I? I don't remember. Isn't
                    it funny how a little thing like
                    that can slip your mind?
                           (she kisses him)
                    God, there's something about
                    funerals that is so stimulating.
                    My panties have been wet all
                    morning.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Maria, please...
       She kisses him again.

)O(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/26/90                 122.

270   INT. VIEWING ROOM - DIRECTOR                                  270
      is still at the microphone.

                              DIRECTOR
                And now, in accordance with the
                wishes of Mr. Ruskin...

271   ANGLE - KRAMER                                                271

      is moving around, trying to find Maria.
                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                ... Manny Leerman will play a
                medley of Arthur's favorite songs.
272   ANGLE - MANNY LEERMAN                                         272

      A lounge singer in a pale blue suit hops onto the stage,
      sits at the piano and launches into a totally
      inappropriate rendition of "September in the Rain."
273   ANGLE - KRAMER                                                273
      leaving the viewing room.

274   INT. HALLWAY - KRAMER - DAY                                   274
      looking from room to room.
275   INT. CRYPTS - MARIA - DAY                                     275   *
      is trying to embrace Sherman. He remains "hunched" over,
      trying to stay away from her and keep her hands off his
      back.

                               MARIA
                Sherman.   What's wrong with you?

                              SHERMAN
                Nothing.
                              MARIA
                Then why are you all hunched over?
      Her hands slide down his back.

                              SHERMAN
                Maria, we have to talk.
                              MARIA
                Sherman, what's this on your back?

                              SHERMAN
                My what?
                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                               123.

275   CONTINUED:                                                      275
                                 MARIA
                   This lump, this piece of metal,
                   this thing on your back?!
                                 SHERMAN
                   I don't know -- my belt, belt
                   buckle.

                                 MARIA
                   You don't have a belt buckle in
                   the back. There's some sort of
                   subterfuge afoot here. Isn't
                   there?
                                 SHERMAN
                   Don't be silly.

                                 MARIA
                   You are secreting something on
                   your body!
                                  SHERMAN
                   Maria...

                                 MARIA
                   I want to see what it is.
      She rips open his shirt.

                                 SHERMAN
                   Maria, are you crazy!
                                   MARIA
                   And a wire!    A wire!
      She pulls the wire. Sherman yelps in pain. As he spins
      around, Maria grabs the tapedeck and pulls it off his
      back. More pain.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Eeeooowww!!!

                                 MARIA
                   You rotten, dishonest bastard!

                                 SHERMAN
                   Maria, I didn't want to do this,
                   but you gave me no choice.
      A KNOCK at the door.       They freeze.

                                  KRAMER (O.S.)
                   Mrs. Ruskin.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)R(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/8/90                   124.

275   CONTINUED:    (2)                                              275
                                 MARIA
                   Go away whoever you are!

                                 KRAMER (O.S.)
                   This is Jed Kramer. From the                            *
                   district attorney's office.

                                 MARIA
                   My, my, my, Mr. McCoy. I'd say
                   your goose was just about home-
                   fried.

                                 SHERMAN
                          (whispering)
                   I have protected you, Maria. I
                   have been a gentleman. I have
                   done my best to keep your name out
                   of this. But you have got to help
                   me. You have got to do the right
                   thing.
                                 MARIA
                   Never. Never. Never. I hope you
                   die and hang in the electric chair!
      Sherman heads out the back door.
276   INT. HALLWAY - KRAMER - DAY                                    276

                                 KRAMER
                   ... I'm with the District
                   Attorney's office. I wonder if
                   I might have a few words...

      The door flies open...
                                MARIA
                   He's gone!
                                KRAMER
                   What?

                                 MARIA
                   He just ran out that back door.

277   INT. LIVING ROOM - KRAMER - DAY                                277

      runs in, not sure what he's doing...
                                KRAMER
                   Who?!

                                 MARIA
                   Sherman McCoy!

                                                     (CONTINUED)

)R(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/8/90                      125.

277   CONTINUED:                                                        277
                                   KRAMER
                   Jesus.

                                 MARIA
                   I'm sorry if I alarmed you.    But
                   he was acting very strange.    My
                   name is Maria Ruskin.

                                 KRAMER
                   Kramer, Jed Kramer, Jed. I'm                               *
                   the Assistant District Attorney
                   for Bronx County.
                                 MARIA
                   Oh. I see. And what a handsome
                   District Attorney you are, too.

      Kramer is smitten.
                                 KRAMER
                   I'm not the... uh... I'm the
                   Assistant D.A.
                                 MARIA
                   Well, you and I have a lot to
                   talk about. Don't we?
                                   KRAMER
                   Yes, we do.
                                 MARIA
                   Yes. Because if I'm going to
                   testify I'm going to want to know
                   exactly what I should... and
                   should not say.
                                   KRAMER
                   Yes, ma'am.
                                                        DISSOLVE TO:

278   INT. SHERMAN'S APARTMENT - SHERMAN - NIGHT                        278
      is sitting alone in the empty apartment. Almost every-
      thing is gone -- furniture, rugs, paintings. Sherman has
      a tape recorder in front of him. In his hand he holds
      two tapes.
      There is a KNOCK at the door.

279   ANGLE - FRONT DOOR                                                279

      as Sherman opens it.       Sherman's father is standing there.
                                                        (CONTINUED)

)Y(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/19/90                 126.

279   CONTINUED:                                                    279
                                 MR. McCOY
                   Ah. They weren't sure downstairs
                   whether or not you were here.
                                 SHERMAN
                   I usually come in the back way now.

                                  MR. McCOY
                   I see.   May I...?
                                   SHERMAN
                   Yes.   Sure.   Sorry. Come in.
      FOLLOW them INTO...

280   INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY                                        280

                                 MR. McCOY
                          (looking around)
                   It's all gone. Everything.
                                  SHERMAN
                   Yes.   Judy... uh...

                                 MR. McCOY
                   She's gone, too?
                                  SHERMAN
                   Yes.
                                 MR. McCOY
                   She moves quickly.
                                 SHERMAN
                   She has a good lawyer.
                                                                          *
                              MR. McCOY
                I'm not sure I ever really liked
                her. Your wife.
                                   SHERMAN
                No.       Of course not. Jesus.
                              MR. McCOY
                Or this apartment for that matter.
                For what it cost, for what you
                paid for it. Or the furniture...
                                                    (CONTINUED)

)Y(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/19/90                   127.

280   CONTINUED:                                                      280
                                 SHERMAN
                   Or my car, or my work, or my
                   clothes, my life, my money... For
                   Christ's sake, you didn't come
                   here now, you didn't come all the
                   way here on a fucking subway
                   probably to tell me now...

                                  MR. McCOY
                   No.   I didn't.

                                 SHERMAN
                   I mean, I'm not going to get, at
                   this late date, I'm not going to
                   get the ethics and morality
                   speech, not now, when I have to                          *
                   do what I'm going to do in that                          *
                   courtroom tomorrow, if that's what                       *
                   you've come to give me, Jesus...                         *
                                 MR. McCOY
                   No. No. I'm sorry. I came here
                   to... I don't know how to do this.
                   You didn't call. We wanted to
                   help. I came here to tell you that
                   we are here for you. That you are
                   our son and that we love you. 'We.'
                   I don't mean we. I mean I. That I
                   love you. That's all.
      Mr. McCoy offers his hand in a handshake.
                                 MR. McCOY
                   Please.
      Sherman takes his hand. Mr. McCoy puts his arm around
      him and hugs him awkwardly but effectively. They
      separate.
                                  MR. McCOY
                   Well.   What you want to do?                             *

                                 SHERMAN
                   There's only one thing I can do.                         *
                   I want to see the truth come out                         *
                   and burn every one of them. And                          *
                   there's only one way to do that.                         *
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)Y(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 7/19/90                   128.         *

280   CONTINUED:     (2)                                              280
                                 MR. McCOY
                   What is it?

                                 SHERMAN
                   Lie.

                                 MR. McCOY
                   Well, you know I have always been
                   a great believer in the truth.
                   I've lived my life as honestly as
                   I know how. I believe in the
                   truth as an essential companion
                   to a man of conscience, a beacon
                   in the vast and dark wasteland of
                   our modern world. And yet...

                                 SHERMAN
                   Yes?
                                 MR. McCOY
                   And yet, if the truth won't set
                   you free, yes. Why not? Lie.
                                                      DISSOLVE TO:
281   INT. COURTROOM - JUDGE WHITE - DAY                              281
      is banging his gavel, trying to silence the overflowing
      courtroom.
282   ANGLE - STATUE OF BLIND JUSTICE                                 282
      Some demonstrators are climbing on the statue to get a
      better view.
283   ANGLE - MARIA                                                   283

      On the stand as Kramer questions her.
                                 KRAMER
                   ... And this incident occurred
                   on the ramp to the expressway or
                   on the avenue itself.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

      BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/18/90                  129.

283   CONTINUED:                                                     283
                                 MARIA
                   Why, on the avenue.    Right on the
                   street.
                                 KRAMER
                   And was there any obstruction or
                   barricade of any kind that caused
                   the car to stop?
                                   MARIA
                   Oh, no.    Nothing like that at all.

                                 KRAMER
                   Finally, one last question. Can
                   you tell us, Mrs. Ruskin, who
                   was driving the car when Henry
                   Lamb was hit?
                                 MARIA
                   Why, Sherman never let anyone
                   drive his car.
                                 KRAMER
                   Sherman McCoy was driving the car.
                                  MARIA
                   Oh, yes.
      A roar goes up from the crowd.
284   VARIOUS ANGLES - EVERYONE                                      284
      Sherman and Killian at the defense table. In the
      audience, Bacon, Fox, Gerald Moore, Weiss and finally
      Peter Fallow taking notes.
                                 PETER (V.O.)
                   And there it was. The end of
                   Sherman McCoy. And it wasn't the                        *
                   ending I was hoping for. He was                         *
                   finished. She might as well have
                   put a gun to his head and pulled
                   the trigger. There was no hope
                   now. The darkness closed in around
                   him. And then I noticed the most
                   peculiar thing. Sherman was smiling.

285   ANGLE TO INCLUDE SHERMAN                                       285
      smiling.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                        130.

285   CONTINUED:                                                           285
                                 MARIA
                   ... and I wanted to report the
                   incident but he wouldn't let me.
                   He said he was driving and it
                   was his decision to make.

                                 KRAMER
                   You were surprised?
                                 MARIA
                   I was shocked. There are certain
                   qualities of virtue that I admire
                   in a human being, virtues that I
                   hope I possess myself...

      Suddenly, Maria's RECORDED VOICE BLASTS into the courtroom.

                                 MARIA (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   We have time for a quickie.    What
                   do you say, Sherman?
                                 SHERMAN (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   I don't feel terrifically sexy at
                   the moment.
      White bangs his gavel. Everyone is looking around for                      *
      the source of the sound.
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                     *
                   What in hell...?!
                                 MARIA (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   You know I'm a sucker for a soft
                   dick.

                                 SHERMAN (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   Maria, you are incorrigible.

                                MARIA (V.O.)
                   Am I?

      The court goes crazy. White regains order.           Sudden                *
      silence in time for everyone to hear...
                                 SHERMAN (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   I supppose, we could still go to
                   the police. We could get a very
                   talented lawyer...
                                                         (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                   131.

285   CONTINUED:    (2)                                               285
                                 MARIA (V.O.)
                          (on tape)
                   And put our heads right into the
                   tiger's mouth? I'm the one who was
                   driving the car. Don't you think
                   I'm the one who should make that
                   decision.

      Absolute pandemonium. Fallow starts to laugh. Kramer
      pulls Sherman's briefcase off a chair revealing a hidden
      tape recorder. He bangs and kicks the recorder, trying
      to make it stop. Maria faints on the stand. Killian is
      amazed and amused. He looks at Sherman. Sherman smiles.
      Killian takes the tape from the recorder.

286   ANGLE - KILLIAN, KRAMER AND SHERMAN                             286

      approach the bench.    The courtroom grows more quiet.
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   Whose tape is this, Mr. McCoy?
                                 SHERMAN
                   That tape is mine, sir.
      Killian is shocked.    They continue speaking in whispers.
                                 KRAMER
                   If Your Honor please...
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   Shut up, Mr. Kramer. Mr. McCoy,
                   I remind you that you are still
                   under oath. Now, did you record
                   this conversation?
                                 SHERMAN
                   Oh, yes, sir, I did. I recorded
                   this conversation on this tape.
                   My tape. This is my tape of my
                   conversation. I recorded it.
                   Yes, sir. Yes, sir, three bags
                   full.
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   Get out of my face. All of you.

      Sherman, Killian and Kramer return to their seats.
      The court starts screaming again.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   I want some fucking order in here!
                                                     (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                132.

286   CONTINUED:                                                   286
      He bangs the gavel until the noise subsides.

                                 JUDGE WHITE                             *
                          (screaming)
                   So you insist on testing the will
                   of this court!!!! Now you shut up
                   and sit down!! All of you! Very
                   well. In the case of the People
                   versus Sherman McCoy, the Grand
                   Jury has returned an indictment.
                   Based on the evidence contained in
                   this recording...
                          (holds up the tape)
                   ... and pursuant to my authority
                   to supervise the Grand Jury's
                   proceedings...

                                 DEMONSTRATORS
                          (scream)
                   Whitewash!! Whitewash!!
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                   133.

286   CONTINUED:    (2)                                               286
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   ... I am ordering the indictment
                   dismissed in the interests of
                   justice, without prejudice and
                   with leave to re-present by the
                   District Attorney.

      The courtroom explodes.    Screams fill the air -- "Racist!
      Peckerwood! Pussyface!     Motherfucker!" etc. The sound
      is deafening.

      Sherman and Killian shake hands. The demonstrators are
      chanting, "Justice! Justice! Justice!"
287   ANGLE - DOORS OF COURTROOM                                      287

      burst open.    Reporters and photographers rush into the
      room.
288   ANGLE - WHITE                                                   288   *
      rises on the bench like an eagle.    He pounds the gavel
      repeatedly.

                                 DEMONSTRATORS
                   Justice. We want justice!!!   We
                   want justice!!!
                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   Justice! You want justice?!   I'll
                   give you justice!
      Finally, the courtroom goes quiet. White looks around.                *
      Everyone is quiet. And then a single VOICE rings out...
                                 VOICE
                   You racist pig!

                                 JUDGE WHITE                                *
                   You dare call me a racist! Well,
                   I say to you, you -- a mob who
                   dares to come into these walls --
                   I say to you, what does it matter
                   ... the color of a man's skin?
                   If witnesses perjure themselves...
                   and a prosecutor, a sworn officer
                   of the court, enlists the perjurers
                   ... and a district attorney throws
                   a man to the mob and lawyers carve
                   up that man for his money... and
                   men of the cloth, men of God take
                   the prime cuts! Now you tell me --
                   IS THAT JUSTICE?!
      Silence.
                                                      (CONTINUED)

)S(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/18/90                134.

288   CONTINUED:                                                   288
                                 JUDGE
                   I don't hear you!

      More silence.    He comes down off the bench, facing the
      mob.

                                 JUDGE
                   I'll tell you what justice is not.
                   Justice is not the will of the few
                   and it's not the will of the many.
                   Justice is not politics. Justice
                   is the law. And the law is man's
                   feeble attempt to set down the
                   principles of decency. Decency!
                   And decency is not a deal. Or an
                   angle, or a contract, or a hustle
                   or a campaign or a trick or a bid
                   for sympathy. Decency is not the
                   beast that bays for money, power,
                   dominion, position, votes and
                   blood! Decency is what your
                   mother taught you! Decency is
                   in your bones! Do I make myself
                   clear! Now go home. Go home now.
                   Be decent people. Be decent.
      A moment of quiet as White comes down and faces Sherman.
                                 JUDGE
                   You're free to go, Mr. McCoy.
289   ANGLE - COURTROOM                                            289
      as another blood-curdling roar goes up from the crazed
      mob. They close in on the Judge and Sherman.
290   ANGLE - REVEREND BACON                                       290

      with a bullhorn, egging on the crowd.
                                 BACON
                   You bald-headed Uncle Tom pussy!!                     *
                          (to the crowd)                                 *
                   Are you going to take this Park                       *
                   Avenue justice!? Are you?                             *

291   OMITTED                                                      291   *
292   ANGLE - CROWD                                                292

      closing in on Sherman and the Judge. The Judge grabs               *
      Sherman and pulls him through the door.                            *

)S(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/18/90               135.          *

292A   INT. CORRIDOR - SHERMAN AND JUDGE                           292A
       come out of the courtroom, pursued by the spectators.
       They are pressed against a huge statue of "blind justice"
       at the end of the corridor.
292B   SEVERAL ANGLES - MOBS OF PEOPLE                             292B

       rushing at Sherman and the Judge from different sides.

292C   ANGLE - STATUE                                              292C
       teeters.

292D   ANGLE - KRAMER                                              292D
       in the mob, pressing toward Sherman and the Judge.

                                KRAMER
                  We're not finished with you,
                  McCoy. You'll be back in this
                  courtroom. This decision will
                  be appealed until I see you
                  behind bars! You hear me, Judge.
                                JUDGE
                  Get your fucking face out of my
                  way.
                                KRAMER
                  This fucking face is going to see
                  you shining shoes in Grand
                  Central Station.
       More pushing until...

293    OMITTED                                                     293
&                                                                  &
294                                                                294

295    ANGLE - STATUE                                              295
       falls. People scream and scatter. The statue shatters
       as it hits the floor. The bronze sword slides across the
       floor and comes to rest at Sherman's feet.
296    ANGLE - SCENE                                               296

       The Judge is hit on the head by some debris. He
       stumbles, blinded by the plaster dust. Sherman grabs
       the sword.

                                KRAMER
                         (taunting the Judge)
                  This fucking face is going to see
                  you selling pencils, you black
                  son of a bitch.
                                                   (CONTINUED)

)S(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/18/90                 135A.      *

296    CONTINUED:                                                 296
       Sherman whacks Kramer with the sword. Kramer falls away.
       Sherman helps the Judge down the corridor.

296A   ANGLE - BACON AND FOX                                      296A
       coming out of the courtroom, intercepting Sherman.

                                  BACON
                    Sherman McCoy! You shall not
                    escape. You shall live in fear on
                    this island, in the mighty sea of
                    people, for the people -- and
                    justice -- are waiting for you!
       Sherman whacks Bacon. The choir women start to wail.
       Fox approaches Sherman offering his card.

                                  FOX
                    You've been woefully misrepresented
                    here, Mr. McCoy. I think you
                    should give me a call...
       Sherman whacks Fox with the sword and continues down
       the corridor with the Judge.
296B   ANGLE - WEISS                                              296B
       giving an interview for a TV news team.

                                  WEISS
                    ... and I promise you and the
                    people of this city that Henry
                    Lamb will not be forgotten.
                    Henry Lamb will live, like the
                    Alamo, as a symbol of slaughtered
                    innocence.

       Weiss sees Sherman and attacks him.
                                  WEISS
                    And this man's name will live in
                    infamy. Like Adolf Hitler! Like
                    Son of Sam! Like Idi Amin! John
                    Wilkes Booth! Ted Bundy! Jesse
                    Helms!

       Sherman smacks Weiss with the sword and moves toward the
       stairs with the Judge.
297    OMITTED                                                    297

297A   ANGLE - FALLOW                                             297A
       approaches Sherman.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

)S(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/18/90                 136.          *

297A   CONTINUED:                                                    297A
                                  FALLOW
                    Sherman! Sherman! Congratulations.
                    This is going to make one hell of
                    a story!!
                                   SHERMAN
                    You again!   Who are you?!

                                 PETER
                    Oh, sorry. I'm Peter Fallow.      I'm
                    Peter Fallow. Ha. Ha. Ha.

       Sherman looks at him for a moment. Then he lets out a
       screaming war cry and smacks Fallow with the sword.

297B   ANGLE - FALLOW                                                297B

       falls to the ground.      He looks up.    He smiles.
                                   PETER
                    Thanks.   I needed that.
298    ANGLE - SHERMAN AND JUDGE                                     298

       move down the stairs and out the iron gates of the court-
       house.
298A   EXT. COURTHOUSE - SHERMAN - DAY                               298A

       pulls the gates shut and slides the sword through the
       door handles, locking the crowd inside the courthouse.
       They pound on the gates as the courtroom guards try to
       hold them back.

                                  SHERMAN
                    Are you alright?

                                   JUDGE
                    I'm alright.   Damn hooligans.
       He walks up to the iron gates. The faces of the demon-
       strators are pressed against it. The Judge shakes a
       tired fist at them. Then he turns to Sherman.
                                 JUDGE
                    And you. You, too. You go home
                    now. And be decent. You hear me?
                                  SHERMAN
                    I hear you, Your Honor.

       The Judge shakes his fist at Sherman, too. Then he opens
       the fist and offers his hand to Sherman. Sherman takes
       it. They shake.

)S(    BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 5/18/90                137.          *

299    ANGLE - PETER FALLOW                                         299
       through the iron gates.

                               PETER (V.O.)
                 It was the last I saw of Sherman
                 McCoy...

300    ANGLE - SCENE                                                300

       Sherman turns and walks away down the corridors of
       justice. The Judge watches him go. Sherman disappears
       into a great whiteness as we hear:

                               PETER (V.O.)
                 And so we come to the end of our
                 story. Sherman, you see, who
                 started with so much, lost
                 everything. But he gained his
                 soul. Whereas I, you see, who
                 started with so little, gained
                 everything...
                                                    DISSOLVE TO:
301    OMITTED                                                      301
thru                                                                thru
303                                                                 303
303A   INT. WINTER GARDEN - FALLOW - NIGHT                          303A

       coming out of the wall of flashbulbs we saw at the
       beginning. A vast crowd of black ties and evening
       gowns surge toward him, cheering, applauding. A voice
       rings out on a microphone...

                               VOICE (V.O.)
                 ... the winner of the Pulitzer
                 Prize, the National Book Award and
                 just about every other prize you
                 can win, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
                 Peter Fallow!!

)J(   BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES - Rev. 4/25/90                 138.

304   ANGLE - PETER                                                 304
      As he rises unsteadily to his feet the room goes wild
      with applause. Peter waves and makes his way toward the
      podium.
                              PETER (V.O.)
                But what does it profit a man if
                he gains the whole world and loses
                ... Ah, well. There are
                compensations.
      Peter reaches the podium and faces a standing ovation.
      Cameras begin to flash. END CREDITS BEGIN.
305   SERIES OF STILL SHOTS                                         305

      BEGINNING WITH Peter at the podium and CONTINUING to
      include SHOTS of everyone congratulating Peter -- Albert            *
      Fox, Reverend Bacon, Abe Weiss, Gerald Moore, Fillippo
      Chiarazzi, Kramer, etc. Finally the flashing cameras
      fade and we...
                                                 DISSOLVE TO:
306   INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - HENRY LAMB - NIGHT                       306
      lying in his bed.  Perfectly still. And then his nose
      twitches. His hand  comes up and scratches his nose. His
      eyes open. He sits  up, looks around, figures where he
      is. He gets out of  bed, disconnects the I.V.
307   EXT. HOSPITAL - HENRY LAMB                                    307
      comes out of hospital, he smiles and walks away down
      the street.
                                                 FADE OUT.




                                THE END


Bonfire of the Vanities



Writers :   Michael Cristofer
Genres :   Comedy  Drama


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