BRUCE ALMIGHTY
by Steve Koren & Mark O'Keefe
Rewrite by Steve Oedekerk
7/30/02
Shady Acres Entertainment
INT. KOWOLSKI'S BAKERY - KITCHEN - DAY
A news crew shuttles around a GIGANTIC COOKIE. Standing by
are the KOWOLSKI BROTHERS, GUSTOV and VOL, two SHORT, STOCKY,
MEN, along with MOTHER KOWOLSKI and other bakery family
employees. A "30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY" sign hangs in the
background.
BRUCE NOLAN looks into a make-up mirror, desperately trying
to place a large segment of wayward hair.
BRUCE
Oh, God, no! The hair's wrong.
This is a bad sign.
(calling out)
We really need to get a make-up
person?!
The segment producer, ALLY LOMAN, steps over.
ALLY
Not in the budget. And not to *
*
worry, you're going to look great
in this.
She holds out a HAIR NET.
BRUCE
A hair net? I'm not wearing a hair
net. I just did the hair.
ALLY
(matter of fact)
Health code. In the kitchen or
around the cookie, you gotta have
it.
BRUCE
(to crew: re hair net)
You guy's should tell me this
before hand, this is like a huge
waste of...moose.
Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes up
looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.
BRUCE
Remind me to swing by an elementary *
school after this and serve lunch.
Ally laughs.
2.
ALLY
You're a thing of beauty. In
three, two, one. . .
Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.
(Note: Whenever Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his
"REPORTER'S VOICE" - that recognizable, too-smooth delivery
that all news reporters seem to have. In mathematical terms
Bruce's version is to the 7th power.)
BRUCE
For three decades the Kowolski
Family Bakery has been a mainstay
in downtown Buffalo. Known for
their sinfully rich, cream filled,
deep fried polski pierogis. And
the occasional sugar induced coma
that follows. Today, in honor of
their 30 year anniversary, Momma
Kowolski and her sons Gustov and
Vol, decided to do something, a
little bit different. Tell me
guys, how did this idea come about?
GUSTOV
Well, Vol said to me, 'Gustov, why
don't we make the biggest chocolate
chip cookie in Buffalo?' And I
said, 'Yeah, sure.'
BRUCE
Wow. Fascinating.
Bruce steps up to the HUGE COOKIE.
BRUCE
The previous Buffalo cookie record
was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by
Gladys Pelsnick. But this behemoth
cookie clearly proving that Gustov
and Vol have much more free time.
The Kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background,
toasting with big mugs of milk. Bruce steps forward, looks
dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
As we witness the ceremonial
toasting with milk it makes one
pause and think. What are we
really looking at here?
(MORE)
3.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
Is it just a big cookie or does
this cookie represent the pride of
Buffalo? Our dedicated and hard
working citizens the key
ingredient, with a few nuts thrown
in.
(motions his eyes to the
Kowolski twins)
And finally, the love of our
families which provides the warm
chewy center making our beloved
Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
Camera is in CLOSE as Bruce signs-off.
BRUCE (CONT'D)
And that's the way the cookie
crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan,
Eyewitness News.
Bruce's hair net SLIPS UP, PUFFING HIS HAIR INTO A BUN ON THE
TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Kowolskis and bystanders all laugh.
The frame FREEZES.
We PULL BACK from the TV and find Bruce holding the remote,
watching the recorded spot on TV. We are now...
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bruce is with his longtime girlfriend, GRACE. She has a box
of photos on the coffee table in front of her organizing them
into a photo album.
BRUCE
So, what do you think?
GRACE
It's good.
BRUCE
It sucks. It's a story about a
cookie. People with eating
disorders will be riveted,
(goes into huge pathetic
fan character)
Dear Bruce, love the bakery piece.
I can't wait to vomit so I can make
room for more cookies.
GRACE
I thought it was funny. I love the
hair net. How'd you get it to do
that?
4.
BRUCE
What? I'm cutting that. They made
me wear that stupid thing. I don't
even look like myself. The hair is
one of the most important parts of
an on camera persona. Right out of
the gate, I lost the hair
advantage.
Grace looks at a photo,
GRACE
Oh, my gosh, look at this one. My
sister is so drunk.
She places it in the album.
BRUCE
Grace. Try to stay focused here.
I need your help.
GRACE
Aren't you taking this a little too
seriously?
BRUCE
It's sweeps Grace. It is serious.
There's an anchor job open. This
is important. This is our future!
Bruce points to the TV as he says "future," not realizing
he's pointing at the ridiculous image of himself with the
hair net bun. Grace can't help but giggle.
GRACE
I'm sorry.
Bruce collapses into Grace's arms like a child. He clearly
has a fragile temperament.
BRUCE
(sighs)
I'm never going to get anchor doing
these kind of assignments. I want
my work to matter.
GRACE
It does matter. You're funny. You
make people smile. Come on, take a
break, help me put this album
together.
BRUCE
(reluctant)
Alright.
Grace holds up a photo.
GRACE
Oh look at this. It's the first
day we moved in together.
It's the two of them, younger, laughing.
BRUCE
(down)
Yeah, so full of hopes and dreams.
GRACE
Oh, here's me at my sister's
wedding. I caught the bouquet.
It's a picture of Grace overpowering the other bridesmaids
for the bouquet.
BRUCE
You look pretty intense, hun.
GRACE
Well, I was thinking about you.
Grace cuddles into Bruce.
BRUCE
So, you're attracted to me in some
way, is that what you're trying to
say?
Grace rolls over onto Bruce.
GRACE
You have no idea.
BRUCE
I was saving myself for the wedding
night, but if you keep this up, I
may lose my resolve.
Grace stands, pulling Bruce up.
GRACE
Well, that's the way the cookie
crumbles.
They kiss, stumbling toward the bedroom.
6.
BRUCE
Hey, that's a good line, but you
need more resonance. From the
diaphragm.
(newscaster voice)
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
GRACE
Oh, say it again.
BRUCE
(bigger)
That's the way the cookie crumbles.
GRACE
(sweet, southern groupie)
Oh, I just love on-air
personalities.
BRUCE
(newscaster voice)
Well then, let me take these
clothes off and slip into my hair
net.
Grace laughs, Bruce joins in as they disappear into the
bedroom.
CUT TO:
A TELEVISION SCREEN
We see the INTRO FOR SIXTY MINUTES:
NEWS CLIP
I'm Ed Bradley, I'm Merely Safer,
an d I ' m --
LESLIE STAHL is HIT IN THE NECK WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART.
Her head wavers, then DROPS on the desk. The camera PANS to
BRUCE, who lowers a bamboo blow gun, cooly addresses camera.
BRUCE
...Bruce Nolan. And this is Sixty
Minutes.
THE SIXTY MINUTES TICKING CLOCK
DISSOLVE TO:
BRUCE'S ALARM CLOCK - IT RINGS
We are in. . .
7.
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Bruce lies next to Grace with a big smile on his face. Grace
hits the alarm, rolls over snuggling close to Bruce.
GRACE
Sweety, time to get up...
She kisses Bruce, gets up.
BRUCE
No, I'm having a great dream.
The covers are RIPPED OUT OF FRAME. Bruce throws a mock
hissy fit.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Bruce watches TV as he buttons his shirt.
SPORTSCASTER
...and the Sabers lost another
close one last night. Four to
three to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
BRUCE
Of course they lost, they're my
team.
CUT TO:
MOMENTS LATER
Bruce checks his hair in the mirror practicing his new sign-
off.
BRUCE
"And that's the way the cookie
crumbles."
(calls to Grace)
You know, I think there might be
something to that cookie line.
Everything great anchor has his own
signature sign-off.
(as Walter Cronkite)
"And that's the way the cookie
crumbles."
ANGLE - SAM
Peeing in the corner on the carpet.
8.
BRUCE
Oh no! Grace, the dog!
GRACE (O.S.)
I'm in the shower!
BRUCE
Ah!
INT. APARTMENT STAIRCASE
Bruce runs along carrying the peeing Sam with extended arms
dodges a man ascending the stares, who gets sprinkled.
BRUCE
Whoops, sorry.
EXT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Bruce makes it outside, sets Sam down on the grass. Sam
looks up innocently at Bruce, finished.
BRUCE
Oh, you're all done, huh?
B-e-a-utiful.
EXT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE - MORNING
Bruce pulls up in his Ford Tauras to a cluster of cars
unloading kids. A 2003 MERCEDES SRL passes by.
GRACE
Wow, nice car, huh?
BRUCE
Yeah, if you want to rub your
success in people's faces.
Then Bruce notices a big medical van in front of the school
with a BLOOD DRIVE SIGN.
BRUCE
What's with the hubbub?
GRACE
We're having a blood drive.
BRUCE
Creepy. Needles, yech...
GRACE
Oh, that's a nice response.
9.
BRUCE
I mean, it's just s o . . .
GRACE
Helpful and life saving?
BRUCE
C'mon, that's your...blood. It's
in your body and I don't think it's
supposed to come out. Besides,
they stockpile that stuff. They
have an endless supply frozen in a
warehouse somewhere then tell
everyone there's a shortage.
GRACE
They do not. Now stop it. I'm *
giving. I have a very rare blood *
type, AB positive.
BRUCE
Well, I'm IB positive. IB positive
they aint touchin' me with no
needle.
Grace sighs in exasperation, starts out when...
GRACE
(suddenly remembers
something)
O. . .
h
She places a STRING OF PRAYER BEADS on the rearview mirror.
BRUCE
What's that?
GRACE
Prayer beads. The kids made 'em.
Keep you safe.
BRUCE
Well, I hope they work, cause it's
going take a miracle to get me to
work on time.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Bruce is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. He stares at the
prayer beads with a "thanks alot" look.
10.
A big accident ahead. Bruce looks at his watch, he's
screwed. A person is CARRIED BY ON A STRETCHER, Bruce is
oblivious.
BRUCE
This is just my luck.
Bruce's BEEPER sounds. He checks it.
BRUCE.
The meeting's starting, perfect...
(thinks)
Screw it.
He looks to the right of the car in front of him, then peels
off onto the shoulder, passing tons of cars.
BRUCE
(laughs)
Catch you later, lemmings 1 It's
kill or be killed, only the strong
survive, no guts, no glory1
SFX: SIREN
Bruce pulls over, fumes.
BRUCE
(looking heavenward)
Thank you.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Bruce screeches into a space, races out of the car, bumping
over a trash can, goes back to pick it up, sees a HOMELESS
MAN who sits peacefully next to a paint bucket and sign
boards. The various "warnings" change daily. Today's SIGN
reads:
R EWE BLIND?
Bruce looks at the sign quizzically for a beat, then
continues on.
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
Bruce rushes through the newsroom, rounds a corner and runs
right into BOBBY, the endlessly yammering PASTRY CART GUY.
1.
1
BOBBY
Bruce the goose! Morning, Buddy.
Don't even move, I got somethin'
special today. My mom made it just
for you.
BRUCE
Well, that's- Bobby, I gotta go-
I'm late...
BOBBY
(bending down)
You like Quiche?
He comes back up, proudly presents a slice of quiche.
BOBBY
You know, contrary to popular
belief the quiche was actually
invented by the Mayans, then stolen
by the French. They shoulda said,
"Hey, that quiche ain't yours, it's
Mayan!"
Bobby belts out a laugh.
BRUCE
Bobby, I can't, I--
BOBBY
Just taste it, taste it...
Bobby shoves a bite into Bruce's mouth. Bruce feigns liking
it with exasperation.
BRUCE
Mmm, delicious, I really gotta go.
BOBBY
That's a buck seventy-five.
BRUCE
Can you get Kelly- Ahh...
Bruce tosses the thought, digs into his pocket, fishing for
cash.
BOBBY
(excited)
Oh, two o'clock, two o'clock, two-o-
five, two-ten...
12.
Bruce glances over, annoyed but freezes at the sight of sexy
anchorwoman, SUSAN ORTEGA across the room.
BOBBY
Way out of our league, huh?
Bruce offers his money to Bobby.
BOBBY
You know, I saw them editing your
cookie piece.
BRUCE
Really?
BOBBY
They must have gotten high or
something, cause they was orderin'
everything, I had. Hey, how long
have you been interested in pastry?
'Cause I've got an aunt who makes
baklava twenty layers deep.
BRUCE
(holding money out)
Bobby.
BOBBY
(gets a brilliant idea)
Maybe you could do a story on her!
Bruce tosses the money on the cart, heads off.
BRUCE
Keep the change.
BOBBY
(calling after)
I'll give her a call, we'll talk
about it later!
INT. STAFF MEETING ROOM - DAY
ON THE MONITOR:
EVAN
Is something killing your kids?
Find out tonight at eleven.
Bruce looks at the sign quizzically for a beat, then
continues on.
13.
IN THE ROOM
The morning meeting is well in progress. Leading the group
is the station manager and Bruce's boss, JACK KELLER, 50's, a
constant furrow in his brow.
Also in the room: Bruce's fellow field reporter and rival
EVAN BAXTER, 30' s , a walking statement. Impeccable posture,
perfect speech, perfect everything and he knows it.
FRED DONOHUE, the ever jovial sports reporter; always tanned,
vain weatherman, DALLAS COLEMAN and segment producer Ally
Loman.
JACK
Okay, promos are approved, let's--
ALLY
Ah, isn't that last one a little
misleading? I mean, the story's
about flu shots. Do we have to
scare people to death?
EVAN
No, just into watching. Or I could
change it to: "Slow news day, come
yawn with us. At eleven."
FRED
Sniffles at eleven is nice.
DALLAS
Attack of the killer sniffles?
ALLY
(to Dallas)
The tanning booth is starting to
zap your brain, you know that?
DALLAS
I don't use a tanning booth.
A beat and they all crack up.
FRED *
Come on. You're turning orange. *
EVAN *
He looks Florida ripe to me. . *
More laughs. *
14.
JACK
I would have swore I already said
this, but promos are approved. Now *
can we move on? *
ALLY
Jack, shouldn't the promos be *
focusing on Pete's retirement.
This is his last week.
EVAN
(leading)
Yeah, yeah. Any word on the open
anchor position, Jack?
JACK
Evan, you'11 know something when I
know something.
Bruce bursts into the room. The meeting stops. Jack doesn't
need to say anything, he just looks at his watch.
BRUCE
Sorry, Jack. It wasn't my fault.
The traffic was -- You guys already
played the spots?
JACK
Nice story, Bruce, but we're going
with Evan's piece on the sex
scandal at the mayor's office for
sweeps.
This hits Bruce hard. A beat of silence.
EVAN
And that's the way the cookie
crumbles.
The others chuckle. Only Ally remains sympathetic.
EVAN
I'm just messin' with you, Bruce.
See you've got to remember that the
news room is like a cookie...
More laughs.
BRUCE
(re: Evan's perfect
posture)
That's great Evan.
(MORE)
15.
BRUCE (cont'd)
Is you're posture naturally that
good, or do you have to shove a
stick up there?
JACK
Okay, knock it off... Bruce we're
holding your story in reserve.
Now, can we get back to the board
so we have something to air today?
Jack continues with assignments. Evan sits smugly, as Bruce
slides down into his chair, deflated.
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jack is at Bobby's cart, paying for a sandwich. Bruce
catches up .to him.
BRUCE
Jack, Jack, hey. Can I talk to you
for a second?
JACK
Sure, Bruce. What do you need?
BRUCE
Sweeps.
Jack takes his sandwich and leaves. Bobby leans to Bruce.
BOBBY
Don't worry about it. I called my
aunt, we're on.
Bruce looks at Bobby, continues after and catches Jack.
BRUCE
Look, Jack. Hear me out, I'm
getting desperate man, I am pushing
forty and what have I got to show
for it? The point is, I've hit
some kind of a ceiling here. Some
kind of anti-Bruce barrierI And
Evan is just lovin' it, by the way.
He gets the good stories, he gets
on sweeps. Maybe I have to be more
like Evan.
JACK
You don't want to be like Evan.
Evan's an asshole.
BRUCE
I can be an asshole.
16.
JACK
No, Bruce. You can't.
Bruce thinks, then flips Jack's sandwich plate over. It
scatters on the floor. Jack and Bruce stare at each other
for a beat.
JACK
Are you going to pick that up?
BRUCE
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Bruce bends down, starts picking up Jack's food.
BRUCE
It's just- this anchor position
looming, it's gotten me nuts...
He hands the plate to Jack, as sexy anchorwoman SUSAN ORTEGA
saunters by.
JACK BRUCE
Hi, Susan. Hi, Susan.
SUSAN ORTEGA
Hi, Jack.
Bruce blanches at this obvious snubbing.
JACK
Look, Bruce. You're a good
reporter. You make people laugh.
God knows today we can use it.
Bruce slumps, he's heard this a thousand times before. *
JACK *
(beat)
Alright, tell you what. It's the *
23rd anniversary of the Maid of the
Mist. I want you at Niagara Falls
in an hour.
BRUCE
Maid of the Mist. That's always
live.
JACK
Yep.
BRUCE
Evan gets the live feeds.
17.
JACK
Well now you and Evan get the live
feeds.
BRUCE
I'm going live. In sweeps.
JACK
Yes, but watch yourself, Bruce.
I've seen your outtakes.
Bruce hugs Jack, pressing the sandwich against his chest.
BRUCE
Yes 1 You will not regret this,
Jack.
(releases Jack)
I will not forget you when I go
national.
Bruce takes off, Jack looks down, peels the sandwich off his
chest. We hear children's joyous SHRIEKS...
INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE - DAY
A COUPLE DOZEN KIDS playing at Grace's self-starter business,
a one room day care center filled with children and toys.
Grace turns, reacts.
GRACE
Martin, are you eating the glitter
again?
ON MARTIN - AN ADORABLE HISPANIC BOY
He shakes his head "no."
GRACE
Martin. Open your mouth. Abra su
boca.
He does. His tongue sparkles with glitter.
GRACE
Oh, you're not huh? Well, then
you've got a bad case of Liberace.
Grace's sister, Debbie, enters. She's wearing a nurse's
outfit. Her youngest, ZOE, 3, runs over to greet her.
ZOE
Mommy1
18.
GRACE
They didn't teach you Spanish in
nursing school, did they?
DEBBIE
Well, it seemed like they were
speaking a foreign language
sometimes, but no. Problemo?
GRACE
Martin has decided to explore new
food groups.
(back to Martin)
Martin, this is for art. Like this.
She spreads paste on the paper, sprinkles glitter.
DEBBIE
Is it so wrong to tie them up?
GRACE
D eb -- Ma rt i n!
Martin is busted with the paste spreader stuck in his mouth.
Grace snatches it.
GRACE
Okay, go rinse your mouth with
water. Lave su boca. Go.
(to Debbie)
I swear that kid is going to poop
an ornament.
DEBBIE
(laughs)
You're good with them, you know.
You should have some of your own.
GRACE
Don't start...
DEBBIE
Free milk cow.
GRACE
Debbie, don't call me that.
DEBBIE
If the moo fits.
The phone RINGS.
19.
GRACE
Saved by the bell. Grab that for
me, will you?
Debbie does.
DEBBIE
Small Wonders Day Care.
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - DAY
Bruce is on his cell phone, while the NEWS CREW races around,
setting up for the report. The FALLS ROAR behind him and the
Mate of the Mist sightseeing boat is in the b.g.
BRUCE
Grace?
INTERCUT DAY CARE AND FALLS
DEBBIE
(cheery)
No, it's Debbie. The sister who's
life you're not wasting.
GRACE
Hey.
Grace GRABS THE PHONE.
DEBBIE
(feigns innocent)
What?
GRACE
Sorry, honey. My sister seems to
think she's my mother. Where are
you?
BRUCE
(flying high)
Oh, A little place called the
winners circle. I'm at the Falls
doing a "live" report.
GRACE
Live? That's greatI
BRUCE
Yep, it's happenin', hun. I got
sweeps and I'm live. You know what
that means?
(MORE)
20.
BRUCE (cont'd)
They're seeing if I can think on my
feet, like you might have to do in
a live news anchor situation.
GRACE
Oh, my gosh.
BRUCE
This is happening for us, Grace.
What we've always talked about.
Jack practically came out and told
me.
Grace quickly switches gears. She experienced the premature-
celebration before.
GRACE
Wait, what do you mean practically?
BRUCE
Well, he didn't spell it out, but
this is exactly what happened to
Susan Ortega right before she was
bumped up to the desk.
GRACE
(being cautious)
I just want to make sure we're not
getting too ahead of ourselves.
BRUCE
I totally agree, but in the mean
time you should start thinking
about what coast you want to live
on.
Ally interrupts, indicating the time.
BRUCE
Oh, they're calling me, I gotta go.
GRACE
Good luck, honey. I love you. *
BRUCE *
I love you. *
(hangs up) *
Debbie turns to Grace. *
DEBBIE *
Moooo. *
21.
GRACE *
Stop it. *
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - MAID OF THE MIST BOAT - DAY
Ally hustles Bruce toward the bow of the boat, as he places
his ear piece.
ALLY
They want you close to the falls.
BRUCE
What for? I'll get soaked.
ALLY
That's the point. They want you to
hold up this.
She hands Bruce a very stupid looking, blue "falls" shaped
UMBRELLA with the MAID OF THE MIST INSIGNIA.
ALLY
Part of the condition of us getting
the exclusive.
Bruce takes the umbrella.
' ' BRUCE
Lovely. Glad I wore my tap shoes.
ALLY
Remember, this is their 23rd
anniversary. Capacity is 59. They
cater to tourists, honeymooners. . .
BRUCE
And people who are insanely ' *
thirsty, I get it. *
ALLY
And you'll be interviewing Irene
Dansfeild...
She positions A VERY, VERY OLD WOMAN next to Bruce.
ALLY
...She rode on the maiden voyage
with her late husband. Okay, 90 *
seconds.
Bruce looks upward at the ridiculous umbrella. Mutters
encouragement to himself.
22,
BRUCE
90 seconds, going live. Think
anchor, think dignity,
(glances up toward
umbrella)
Ignore umbrella. Just have fun.
CUT TO:
THE LIVE FEED IN THE CAMERA TRUCK AT THE FALLS
Some of the CREW MEMBERS watch the feed.
ON TV
Pete Fineman is reporting.
PETE FINEMAN
...but because of the fast response
by our local fire fighters, the
toxic chemicals were cleaned up
without incident. Susan.
The female co-anchor, SUSAN ORTEGA:
SUSAN
Bruce Nolan is standing by at
Niagara Falls with a report on the
Maid of the Mist sightseeing boat,
but before we go live to Bruce, we
have an announcement to make. As
everyone knows, after 33 years, our
beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.
Pete smiles a proud, heart-felt smile.
SUSAN
Pete's shoes are virtually
impossible to fill, but the show
must go on. And we could think of
no one better than our very own
Evan Baxter.
ON BRUCE
Listening to the feed. His FACE GOES WHITE. He stands in
shock.
Evan is seated next to Susan.
23.
SUSAN
Congratulations, Evan. Looks like
we'll be sitting side by side from
now on.
EVAN
Thanks, Susan. I ' m thrilled and
honored. Like you said, no one can
replace the great Pete Fineman, but
I'll do my best. I have to say I
am so proud to be a part of our
local community. Of Buffalo. I
think a great city is a lot like a
great recipe really. Put in some
hard working citizens, add some
care givers, maybe a few nuts...
The other news anchors and Evan himself chuckle at "his"
joke. Bruce listens on the feed, beyond stunned.
EVAN (CONT'D)
All sprinkled with the strength and
love of our good families, that
ultimately creates a sweet place to
live. Thank you.
SUSAN
(touched)
Wow. That was amazing. And now
let's go live to wacky Bruce Nolan
out at Niagara Falls.
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS
Bruce stands like a deer in headlights, drenched, holding the
ridiculous umbrella. Ally sig nals Bruce he's on. He stares
into camera, numb.
INT. SMALL WONDER DAY CARE - SAME TIME
The kids are gone. Grace watches the TV with a few other
teachers. She's concerned.
GRACE
Talk honey, talk.
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jack rushes in, looking at Bruce on the monitor.
JACK
What's going on?
24.
DIRECTOR
We've got a Walt Disney.
CONSOLE OPERATOR
Frozen solid.
JACK
He may not have audio. Check his
feed, have Susan cover.
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Susan reacts to the message in her ear piece.
SUSAN
We may be having a bit of technical
difficulty...
Evan smiles in the background, clearly enjoying himself.
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
CONSOLE OPERATOR
Feed's good, Jack.
JACK
Come on, Bruce, talk damn-it...
Okay, get ready to pull the plug.
INT. SMALL WONDERS CARE - DAY
GRACE
Please baby, say something...
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS
Like popping out of a coma, Bruce surges in. Surprisingly,
seems very up and fine.
BRUCE
Thank you, Susan 1 Bruce Nolan here
aboard the Maid of the Mist at
Niagara falls.
INT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS
GRACE
Thank you, God.
25,
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JACK
(sighs relief)
Thank God.
Jack pats the Director's shoulder, heads out of the room.
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS
BRUCE
First off, "I want to add another
congratulations to Evan Baxter.
It's good to see what someone with
real talent can accomplish when
great opportunities are given to
him instead of me.
(still smiling)
Anyway, I'm here, I believe with
Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me,
why did you toss the blue "heart of
the ocean" jewel over the railing
of Titanic?
The Old Woman doesn't know what to say.
BRUCE
Did you feel guilty at all letting
Leonardo Decaprio freeze, while you
were safe floating on the big door?
Do you think he would have survived
if you had taken turns, or were you
too afraid to freeze your big fat
ass off?
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jack rockets back into the room.
JACK
Did I just hear..?
BRUCE
Well, I guess that's the way life
works, isn't it? Some people are
drenched, freezing to death, on a
stupid boat, with a stupid
umbrella...
(heaves the umbrella)
while others who aren't fit to kiss
my willy, are sitting in a nice,
comfy news room, sucking up all the
glory111
26.
INT. SMALL .WONDERS DAY CARE - CONTINUOUS
GRACE
This isn't happening. This isn't
happening...
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS
Bruce takes off walking, the camera follows.
BRUCE
Now, lets speak to the owner. Come
on in here, Bill.
Bill shakes his head "NO" as Bruce pulls him into frame.
BRUCE
Bill, you.'ve been running the Maid
of the Mist for 23 years. Tell me,
why do you think I didn't get the
anchor job?
BILL
Hey, man, I don't want any--
BRUCE
Do you think it's my hair?
(Bruce messes his hair
like crazy)
Maybe my teeth aren't white enough?
Or like the great falls, is the
bedrock of my life slowly erroding
underneath me.
(moving closer to camera,
to an inch away)
Erroding. Erroooding.
Errodiiiing...
INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY
All work has stopped. Stunned staffers stare at the monitor.
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jack stands with his jaw dropped, snaps out of it.
JACK
Alright, cut the feed! Cut to
black if you have to.
CONTROL BOOTH OPERATOR
I'm on it.
27.
EXT. NIAGARA FALLS - CONTINUOUS
Bruce is now licking the camera lens. He steps back and
signs-off. Smooth as silk.
BRUCE
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness
news. Back to you fuckers 1
INT. STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - .CONTINUOUS
Susan Ortega stares frozen blankly into camera.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Bruce is TOSSED OUT THE FRONT DOORS, his box of possessions
spilling on the ground. Bruce FLAILS at the building.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Bruce carries his box to his car, when he HEARS A NOISE.
A street GANG is hassling the HOMELESS SIGN GUY. Pushing him
around, breaking and painting over his signs.
Instinctively, Bruce walks over.
BRUCE
Hey, come on guys. What are you
doin'? Just leave him alone.
They turn, look at Bruce, laugh and head off. Bruce helps
the Sign Guy up, looks after the Gang.
BRUCE
Yeah, you'd better keep walkin'.
They stop cold, turn back to Bruce and CHARGE AT HIM. Bruce
attempts to run, but they leap on him in a big dog pile,
swinging and kicking.
Bruce is left with a bloody lip, lying beside his car. We
hear the sound of smashing glass and scratching metal and the
gang running off. Bruce slowly gets up.
Reveal Bruce's car, WINDOW'S SMASHED, PAINT SCRAPED and the
word "HERO" KEY SCRATCHED ON THE DOOR.
BRUCE
B-e-a-utiful.
(looks up)
(MORE)
28.
BRUCE (cont'd)
Just what you get for trying to
help someone.
Bruce gets in, pulls out of the parking lot passing the
Homeless Man who sits beaten up holding a scrawled out sign
"LIFE IS. JUST"
BRUCE
Get a clue, buddy.
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Bruce is pacing, holding an ICE PACK to his swollen lip.
GRACE
Thank God you're alright.
BRUCE
God, yeah. Let's thank God.
Thanks for everything, Lord. I am
so honored that my horrible demise
is a part of your loving and
mysterious plan.
GRACE
Bruce, don't talk like that.
BRUCE
Oh, don't worry, he's not
listening. If he is he doesn't
care. Have you seen the news
lately? We got gangs, we got
drugs, we got corruption. What
kind of God lets that happen?
Every time we cure a disease he
comes up with a new one!
(goes into God character)
Yeah, is this the lab? Yeah, it's
God. They've just come up with a
treatment for syphilis down there.
I think it's time to release the
tainted monkey. Oh, and there's a
guy in Ohio who's praying for
strength and wisdom, blind him and
cut off his legs.
GRACE
So God is torturing us?
BRUCE
Think about it, Grace. God is all-
powerful . He could fix everything
in five minutes if he wanted to.
(MORE)
29.
BRUCE (cont'd)
But he doesn't want to. He doesn't
like me.
Sam starts PEEING ON THE RUG.
BRUCE
Oh, Perfect!
(to the dog)
But you're aim isn't so good, I'm
over herel
GRACE
Bruce, please. This isn't his
fault.
BRUCE
Of course not.
(hushed tone)
It's part of the mysterious plan.
Grace puts Sam outside. Returns, trying to calm Bruce.
GRACE
Honey, you're mad right now. It's
understandable. And what Evan did
was slimy and wrong. But your job
doesn't matter to me. You matter
to me. You could've really been
hurt. I'm just glad you're okay.
BRUCE
Okay? News flash: I'm not okayi
And I'm not okay with the fact that
you think everything is okay. I'm
not okay with a mediocre job. I'm
not okay with a mediocre apartment.
I'm not okay with a mediocre LIFE!
Bruce angrily swipes at the table knocking the photos and the
photo albums to floor.
GRACE
Is that what you have, Bruce?
A mediocre life? Well, I'm sorry
for being a piece in your mediocre
puzzle.
BRUCE
Terrific. I'm drowning and you
throw me a brick!
Grace starts to cry.
30.
BRUCE
Perfect! I'll have the worst day
of my life with a side order of
guilt, please. I-- I don't need
this.
Bruce grabs his keys and heads out.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
It's RAINING now. Bruce drives, going nowhere in particular.
His frustration is turning to desperation.
BRUCE
Okay, God. You want me to talk to
you? Then talk back. Tell me
what's going on? What should I
do? Give me a sign...
Bruce passes a BLINKING YELLOW CAUTION LIGHT, doesn't
notice. . .
BRUCE
I'm right here. Speak to me.
A PEDESTRIAN stepping into the crosswalk, steps back out of
the way.
PEDESTRIAN
SLOW DOWN, ASSHOLE!
Bruce is oblivious.
BRUCE
All I need is some guidance.
Please send me a signal.
A TRUCK TRANSPORTING VARIOUS ROAD SIGNS pulls in front of
Br uce . F our way s, bli nki ng. The va rie d s igns re ad: Yi eld ,
Wrong Way, Dead End, Do Not Enter, Stop.
BRUCE
Oh well, I guess you don't care.
Bruce spots the PRAYER BEADS hanging on the rearview mirror.
BRUCE
Okay, we'll do it your way.
(pulls the beads from the
mirror)
Lord, I need a miracle. Please
help me.
31.
He hits a bump and the BEADS DROP TO THE FLOOR. Bruce
reaches down, fishes for the beads...
BRUCE
Come on, where'd you go?
(holds them up in triumph)
Ah ha! AHHH!
And BAM!11 BRUCE'S CAR SLAMS INTO A LIGHT POST.
EXT. STREET - LAKE EERIE - CONTINUOUS
Bruce stumbles out, surveys his demolished car, then looks at
the beads in his hands. He begins to laugh maniacally.
He spots the lake, starts running toward it like a madman,
HEAVES THE PRAYER BEADS INTO THE LAKE. He looks heavenward,
challenging the Infinite.
BRUCE
Okay, if that's the way you want
it. The gloves are off, pal! Let
me see a little wrath! Smite me oh
mighty smiteri What, no pestilence
no boils? Come on, you got me on
the ropes, don't you want to finish
me off?! You're the one who should
be fired! The only one around here
not doing his job is YOU! What are
we, you're little pet project? A
hobby you tinker with now and
again? Answer me. ANSWER ME!!!
A beat of silence then Bruce's BEEPER GOES OFF. He cynically
chuckles at the timing, checks it, sees 772-5623.
BRUCE
Sorry, don't know you, wouldn't
call you if I did.
Bruce walks off toward his wrecked car, it BEEPS AGAIN.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON - AN ALARM CLOCK
The BEEPING continues. We are in. . .
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING
Bruce wakes, slaps at the alarm clock, groggy, reaches for
the phone, finally realizes it's the beeper. He gets up,
begrudgingly, checks it. The same number.
32.
BRUCE
Well, hello again 772-5623, don't
hold your breath.
Bruce tosses the pager on the bed, heads for the bathroom.
The beeper BEEPS. Bruce stops in his tracks, turns, opens
the window, grabs the beeper and FIRES IT OUT. It SHATTERS
against a telephone pole. He calmly continues to the
bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM
A note is stuck in the bathroom mirror, with an old picture
of he and Grace in happier times. The note simply says:
"I LOVE YOU. WE NEED TO TALK.
Grace"
Peering over top of the note, Bruce sees Sam circling on the
rug.
BRUCE
Oh, no.
EXT. STAIR WELL - CONTINUOUS
Bruce runs down the stairs carrying the trickling, Sam.
EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
Bruce sets Sam on the grass. Sam looks up, finished.
BRUCE
What's the point?
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...
Bruce walks over to the shattered beeper. He picks up a
small piece of it containing the LED read out: 772-5623
ON BRUCE - AMAZED
CUT TO:
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
A PHONE - BRUCE DIALS THE NUMBER
A PRERECORDED VOICE ANSWERS
33.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
Denied that promotion at work? Is
life unfair? Everywhere you turn
is there someone less talented than
you reaping all the benefits ? Is
your name Bruce? Then do we have
the job for you. We're located at
77256 23rd Street...
Bruce reaches for a pen, begins jotting down the address.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE
So come on down, or we'll just keep
beepin' ya.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
An old building on the outskirts of town. A faded sign
painted on the wall reads, OMNI PRESENTS.
Bruce's demolished car enters frame. He studies the area and
building suspiciously.
Bruce cautiously moves towards the structure and then, STEPS
IN A PUDDLE. He SINKS UP TO HIS KNEE.
BRUCE
Perfect.
He gets out, shakes off his sopping leg, and heads inside.
INT. OMNI PRESENTS - DAY
Bruce enters and checks the BUILDING DIRECTORY. It reads:
OMNI PRESENTS UNLTD.
Pers onnel Rm. 7
Ac coun ting Rm. 7
Security Rm . 7
Creativ e Rm. 7
VOICE (O.S.)
You're looking for room 7.
Bruce turns to see a JANITOR mopping the floor. He looks at
Bruce's wet leg, offers the mop.
JANITOR
Want me to even those up for you?
34.
BRUCE
(feigns a smile)
How would I get to room 7?
JANITOR
That'd be on the seventh floor.
Stairs are right over there.
BRUCE
What about the elevator?
He points to an elevator bank a couple of steps away.
JANITOR
Out of order.
Bruce heads for the stairs.
JANITOR
You mind giving me a hand with this
floor?
BRUCE
What? Yeah, I mind.
He continues on.
SEVENTH FLOOR
The stairwell door opens up to a LARGE ROOM with a SINGLE
DESK at the end of an otherwise empty space.
Bruce hears someone tinkering atop a tall ladder extending
into a hole in the ceiling.
BRUCE
Excuse me. Hello. I'm, ah,
looking for whoever runs this
joint...
MAN (O.S.)
Be right with y.a, just fixin' a
light. Tell me if it's working?
CLICK and an INSANELY BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT ILLUMINATES, shining
down blinding Bruce.
BRUCE
Yep, seems to be.
(wiping his eyes)
Kinda bright, though.
35.
An electrician, silhouetted in the bright light, descends the
ladder.
MAN (O.S.)
Yeah, it is for most people. They
spend their lives in the dark...
As he talks he steps down next to Bruce and we see that it is
the SAME JANITOR.
JANITOR (CONT'D)
. . . thinkin' they can hide from me.
The two stand, angelically illuminated. Bruce tries to put
everything together.
BRUCE
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
JANITOR
Yeah, but I'll get around to it.
The Janitor CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE and the light goes off.
BRUCE
You installed a clapper?
JANITOR
Nope. Catchy jingle, though.
(sings)
CLAP ON. CLAP OFF. CLAP ON, CLAP
OFF. THE CLAPPER.
(claps twice)
You can't get it out of your head.
BRUCE
I gotta go.
JANITOR
Okay, but the boss'11 be right out.
The Janitor unzips his uniform, revealing a very nice suit.
He extends his hand to Bruce.
JANITOR
You must be Bruce. I've been
expecting you.
BRUCE
Oh, this is hilarious. So you're
the boss and the electrician and
the janitor.
36.
JANITOR
Nothin' wrong with rollin' up your
sleeves, son. People underestimate
the benefits of good 'ol manual
labor. There's freedom in it.
Happiest people in the world stink
like hell at the end of the day.
He strolls down the room, takes a seat behind the big desk.
JANITOR
Your father knew that. He was a
damn good welder.
Bruce approaches the desk.
BRUCE
How do you know my father? And how
did you get my pager number?
JANITOR
Oh, I know a lot about you Bruce.
Pretty much everything there is to
know. Everything you've ever said,
done or thought about doin', is
right there in that file cabinet.
He points out a single drawer file cabinet.
BRUCE
(sarcastic)
Wow, a whole drawer. Just for me?
Mind if I take a look?
JANITOR
It's your life.
Bruce pulls the drawer and it FLIES OPEN, DRAGGING HIM THE
FULL LENGTH OF THE ROOM --
The Janitor casually pulls a file.
JANITOR
Now this last entry was a little
disturbing.
He thumps the file cabinet with his fist and the drawer
dramatically sucks closed, DRAGGING BRUCE BACK. The Janitor
reads from the file.
JANITOR
(reads, scanning)
Thanks for everything, Lord.
(MORE)
37.
JANITOR (cont'd)
I am so honored that my horrible
demise is a part of your loving and
mysterious plan.. The gloves are
off, pal.. Smite me oh mighty
smiter.
(aside)
I'm not much for blaspheming but
that one made me laugh. Oh, and
let's not forget "What kind of a
God would let this happen? I mean,
have you seen then news lately?"
Bruce stands, dazed. ·
BRUCE
Who are you?
JANITOR
I'm the creator of the heavens and
the earth. I'm the alpha & omega.
The first and the last.
BRUCE
Sorry, it's not ringing a bell.
JANITOR/GOD
I'm God, Bruce.
BRUCE
Oh, you're God. Well that explains
everything1 That's how you know
everything about me. That's how
you got up to the seventh floor so
quickly.
(placating)
Well, it's really nice to meet you.
Thanks for the Grand Canyon and,
ah, good luck with the apocalypse.
Bruce turns to leave, BUT FINDS HIMSELF WALKING RIGHT TOWARD
GOD AND HIS DESK. He tries again, and again.
BRUCE
Okay, I don't know how you're doing
that, but I really gotta go. This
place is obviously rigged in some
way. We're on some freaky hidden
camera show.
(playing to the "cameras")
...for which I will not sign a
release, by the way! But you know
what, I'd be a little more
impressed if you didn't use the
cheesy file cabinet illusion.
(MORE)
38.
BRUCE (cont'd)
Everyone with a brain in their head
would know that the drawer is being
· fed through the wall from behind--
Bruce pulls the file cabinet from the wall, sees it has a
normal back.
BRUCE
Okay. That's good. That's a good
one.
Bruce quickly puts his hands behind his back.
BRUCE
Okay, God. How many fingers am I
holding out?
Bruce extends three fingers.
GOD
Three.
He quickly pulls one finger in.
GOD
Two.
Bruce begins switching fingers rapidly. God doesn't miss a
beat.
GOD
Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One...
One final attempt, Bruce holds seven fingers.
BRUCE
Okay, how about now.
He quickly pulls in two fingers.
GOD
Seven.
.BRUCE
AH HAl
Bruce proudly presents his single hand of five extended
fingers to God, then immediately notices he has SEVEN FINGERS
ON HIS ONE HAND.
BRUCE
AAAHHHl
39,
He shakes his fingers wildly and the two extra fingers
disappear. God approaches Bruce.
GOD
You've been doing a lot of
complaining about me, Bruce. And
quite frankly, I'm tired of it...
Bruce backs away from God.
BRUCE
You stay away from me! I don't
know what your doing. But whatever
you're doing is probably
actionable!
GOD
Well, that's not very neighborly.
I brought you here to offer you a
job.
BRUCE
Job? Wh at job?
GOD
My job. You think you can do it
better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building you
will be endowed with all my powers.
BRUCE
Sure, whatever you say, Pal.
He turns to go but GOD STANDS BEFORE HIM in the Janitor
uniform, holding the mop.
GOD
All the power of God.
Bruce glances back at the empty desk, turns back again and
God the Janitor has also vanished. A beat, then Bruce
sprints out of the room.
EXT. OMNI PRESENTS - DAY
Bruce barrels out of the building --
BRUCE
Okay, that did not happen.
He races to his car stepping in the SAME PUDDLE, but this
time his foot doesn't sink, he WALKS RIGHT ACROSS IT. He
paus es f or a bea t --
40.
BRUCE
No.
He races on.
INT. BRUCE'S CAR
Bruce jumps in, turns the key, the car turns over but doesn't
start.
BRUCE
I'm having a breakdown. That's
what it is. Just a normal,
everyday psychotic episode, brought
on by tumor or brain lesion...
We hear the car wind down to nothing. Bruce releases the key
pounds the steering wheel in frustration.
BRUCE
(to the car)
Come on, startI
The car INSTANTLY starts.
BRUCE
(denial)
Well, that was lucky.
Bruce backs up, peels out.
MUSIC UP: "HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS"
EXT. CITY STREETS
Bruce drives, whistling the tune, catches himself,
immediately stops whistling.
BRUCE
Okay, just relax here. I did not
meet God and I do not have his
powers.
(laughs)
If that was God, then I'm Mario
Andretti.
Instantly, Bruce's car PEELS OUT, races through traffic,
dodging and passing cars right and left.
BRUCE
AAAHHHHHHHH!J!
41.
Suddenly there is a GUY IN A RED PIT CREW SUIT standing
before Bruce waving a red flag. Bruce swerves to avoid the
man and SCREECHES into a pit stop. Several other red-suited
Italian men engulf the car. Bruce watches in amazement as the
professional racing team jacks up his car, slaps on HUGE MAG
TIRES, gases him up, etc. PAUL NEWMAN leans into the
driver's window.
PAUL NEWMAN
Hey Mario, did you get that box of
dressing I sent you?
Bruce responds against his will IN PERFECT ITALIAN --
BRUCE
(in perfect Italian)
Si, dovete venire sopra per il
pranzo un certo tempo.
(SUBTITLES: Yes, you must
come over for dinner some
time.)
Bruce reacts shocked. The crew backs off and urges him on in
Italian.
PIT CREW
Vete l Ve tel
Bruce's car peels out on it's own, he struggles to control
the wheel, finally pulling over to a curb. His car door
won't open so he has to crawl out of the driver's window.
He rushes onto the sidewalk, backing away from his normal
looking Tauras. Not knowing what to do, he slips into a
diner.
INT. DINER - DAY
Bruce quickly walks to a back corner booth. The only other
patron is an OLD MAN seated at the counter.
BRUCE
It isn't real, it isn't real, it
isn't real...
An older. Sally Kirkland-type WAITRESS, order pad in hand,
stands listening to Bruce with a raised eyebrow.
BRUCE
Oh hi, ah, coffee please.
The waitress pours him a cup.
42.
WAITRESS
We've got a special on soup today.
BRUCE
No, that's okay.
WAITRESS
It's tomato.
BRUCE
Alright, okay.
She heads off. Bruce sits thinking. Could it be real?
He looks at the SUGAR down at the end of the table, holds out
his hand and the SUGAR SLIDES ACROSS THE TABLE RIGHT INTO HIS
HAND. The CREAMER slides into his other hand.
Bruce is half scared, half thrilled. He pours some cream and
sugar into his cup, looks around the table.
BRUCE
Excuse me I need a spoooo...
Bruce chokes up a spoon into his hands, wipes it off with his
napkin.
BRUCE
That's alright, I found one.
The Old Man eyes Bruce suspiciously, gets up and moves
further down the counter.
The Waitress sets down the soup, heads off, then turns back.
WAITRESS
I lie to my sister.
BRUCE
What?
WAITRESS
(becoming emotional)
And I'm sleeping with my best
friend's husband. I know he's just
using me but.. I'm just so tired of
being alone. I don't know why I'm
telling you all this. Just seems
like you'd understand.
BRUCE
Okay.
43.
WAITRESS
(sets the check down)
Take care of that whenever you're
ready.
Bruce looks at the soup. His look grows intense. He slowly
raises his hands over the soup bowl....
MUSIC UP: THE TEN COMMANDMENTS THEME
The front door blows open, as A WIND SWIRLS through the diner
and with all the flourish of Moses at the Red Sea, BRUCE
PARTS HIS RED SOUP.
A little cockroach scurries across the table, climbs up the
edge of the bowl and walks through to the other side.
GOD (O.S.)
Havin' fun?
Bruce is startled and the soup splashes back to normal
collapsing on the cockroach. He looks up at God standing
beside the booth. Bruce is now awestruck.
BRUCE
You- He- Thy...
GOD
Let's take a walk.
EXT. LAKE ERIE - DAY
God leans down, lets the little soup covered cockroach go.
God and Bruce then walk along the lake shore.
GOD
(re: the cockroach)
Most people want to kill these
guys. I'm quite fond of em'. Very
streamlined design. Like little
armored tanks. Y'know, they can
hold their breath for forty minutes
and their cells divide only once
per molting cycle creating a
cytoskeleton with cell adhesion
that...
(catching himself)
Oh, this is a bit over your head,
isn't it?
Off Bruce's look.
44.
GOD
Okay, let me explain the rules.
BRUCE
Rules ?
GOD
Yeah, you left in such a rush I
didn't get a chance to explain.
BRUCE
Well the two extra fingers freaked
me out a little bit.
GOD
(laughs)
I figured that would get your
attention.. I did the same thing to
Ghandi, he couldn't eat for three
weeks. Now, here's the deal. You
have all my power. Use it any way
you choose. There are only two
rules. You can't tell anyone
you're God. Believe me you don't
want that kind of attention. And
you can't mess with free will.
BRUCE
Uh huh. Can I-ask why?
GOD
(excited)
Yes you can. That's the beauty it.
Suddenly a LARGE SAILBOAT SAIL PASSES RIGHT BY THEM. Bruce
looks to the sail, oddly, then...
WIDE ANGLE - REVEAL God and Bruce are now walking ON THE LAKE
about 100 feet from the shore. They watch the sailboat pass.
Bruce is awestruck.
BRUCE
This is amazing.
GOD
Oh, speaking of amazing...
God dips his hand in the Lake and pulls out THE PRAYER BEADS.
He pockets them as he talks.
45.
GOD
Since you're finished with these, I
think I'll hang to 'em. Might come
in handy someday.
WIDE MASTER - BUFFALO CITY-SCAPE
God and Bruce are tiny figures on the river, as God begins to
walk away.
GOD
I'll be seein' ya.
BRUCE
Where are you going?
GOD
I'm taking a vacation.
BRUCE
God can't take a vacation. Can he?
Can you?
GOD
Ever hear of the Dark Ages?
Besides, I'm covered. You can fix
everything in five minutes if you
want to, right?
ON BRUCE
BRUCE
...Right.
Left alone, Bruce begins to carefully tip toe back to shore,
progresses to a full sprint.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
Grace and Debbie stand at the check-out stand. Grace flips
through a celeb magazine, as Debbie places the last few items
from the cart to the conveyor belt.
In the background, throughout, Debbie's daughter, Zoe is
grabbing random items off the shelves and placing them on the
belt.
GRACE
(re: magazine)
Gosh, this girl is so talented and
all they ever talk about is her
hair.
46.
DEBBIE
Yeah, she should marry somebody
famous, take the focus off.
Grace checks her cell phone screen.
DEBBIE
We would have heard it ring.
GRACE
I know. It's just that he usually
calls during the day.
DEBBIE
He just needs to blow off some
steam, he'll be fine.
GRACE
I hope so. I've never seen him *
that mad. An d I lashed back-- *
DEBBIE
Wow, you lashed? You never lash.
I'm impressed.
GRACE
I feel bad for him. He's wanted
anchor for so long.
Zoe begins pulling groups of items onto the belt.
DEBBIE
Well, I've been praying to win the
lottery for fifteen years, but it's
not going to happen. You know,
it's not all about money.
The CLERK finishes ringing the last item.
CLERK
That'll be four hundred and twenty-
seven, eighty.-
DEBBIE
What?!
Debbie looks in a bag, pulls out a handful of various counter
items. Zoe giggles and proudly holds up one of the hundred
or so Tic-Tac mint containers.
DEBBIE
Zoe.
(to Clerk)
(MORE)
47.
DEBBIE (cont'd)
Hang on, I might need you to un-
check a few things.
The people in line hem and haw, exasperated.
GUY IN LINE
Come on, lady.
DEBBIE
(snaps)
Hey, everybody back-off i
Zoe laughs, enjoying the commotion.
GRACE
Listen, I better get back. I want
to be there for him.
DEBBIE
You're a saint, Grace.
GRACE
What can I say, I love him. And if
I know Bruce, he's out there
wandering around with the weight of
the world on his shoulders.
CUT T0:
EXT. CITY STREETS - DUSK
Bruce struts down the street the embodiment of confidence.
He turns shooting a finger at a fire hydrant, it BLASTS
WATER. KIDS run off their front steps, start playing.
A PRETTY GIRL IN A DRESS, comes' walking toward him. As she
passes he BLOWS A LITTLE AIR OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH
and turns to watch her SKIRT FLY UP.
BRUCE
And he saw that it was good.
He spots a mannequin in a store window display, wearing a
cool, casu al outfit. He closes his eyes. When he opens
them, HE'S WEARING THE COOL NEW OUTFIT and the mannequin is
dressed in his clothes. He checks his reflection. . . better.
Bruce rounds the corner, sees the SAME GANG that beat him up,
hanging out in the alley.
BRUCE
B-e-a-utifull
48.
EXT. ALLEY
Bruce approaches the gang.
BRUCE
Hey guys, remember me?
The gang members turn to Bruce.
HOOD #1
Oh look, it's the hero.
HOOD #2
Hungry for another can of whoop-
ass?
HOOD #3
Your stereo sounds great in my car,
man.
He and a couple other gang members laugh and high-five.
BRUCE
Look, I don't want to fight you
guys. So as soon as you apologize,
I'll be on my way.
A beat, then the Hoods BURST OUT LAUGHING. A few circle
behind, surrounding Bruce.
HOOD #1
Oh, yeah. I'll apologize... The
day a monkey climbs out of my butt.
BRUCE
What a coincidence. That's today.
The Hood gets a PAINED LOOK, starts gyrating around, then a
MONKEY comes climbing out the back of his baggy pants.
The Big Guy looks at Hood #1.
BIG GUY
Did that come out of your butt,
man?
Hood #1 faints from shock.
BRUCE
Now I'm going to have to teach the
rest of you guys a lesson.
49.
HOOD #2
Yeah, you and whose army?
BRUCE
Just me... and me...
ANOTHER BRUCE steps out from behind a stack of crates.
BRUCE
And me, and me, and me, me, me, me,
me and me and me.
As Bruce talks, DUPLICATE BRUCE'S begin popping out from
various spots, a doorway, hanging down from a fire escape, a
dumpster pops open, six Bruce's jump out.
BRUCE
PILE ON THE RABBIT1
T HE B RUGES CONV ERGE ON TH E GA NG --
Hood #2 is instantly tackled by THREE BRUGES --
ONE BRUCE kneels down behind a hood, ANOTHER BRUCE pushes him
down over his back. The two Bruce's high-five --
A Hood climbs a fire escape. ONE BRUCE gives a hand up to
ANOTHER BRUCE, who takes pursuit. ANOTHER BRUCE leans out of
a window SMASHES a potted plant over his head --
ON THE MONKEY - SCREECHING, ENJOYING THE EXCITEMENT
Our Bruce stands in the middle of the action, happily
watching the mayhem.
HOOD #2
Let's get out of here, manl
Hood #2 takes off running, the gang members follow.
BRUCE
Okay guys, Kum Ba Yal
The Bruce's jog over, leaping and diving into Bruce's body.
BRUCE
I'll take it from here.
Bruce takes a deep breath, OPENS HIS MOUTH WIDE, RELEASING A
SWARM OF LOCUSTS --
50.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The gang streams out of the alley screaming, COVERED IN
LOCUSTS.
Bruce exits the alley, the monkey at his side. He looks down
to the monkey.
BRUCE
Back home for you, little one.
The monkey takes off back into the alley, as we see HOOD #1
stumbling to his feet.
HOOD #1
NoI NOOOOO1
He takes off running, the monkey in hot pursuit.
ON BRUCE
He belches and one last locust flies out. He reacts to the
unpleasant aftertaste and walks off.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON - BRUCE
We widen to an UP ANGLE of him standing on the top of
Buffalo's tallest SKYSCRAPER. Clouds swirl behind him. He
looks out over the vast city lights, opens his arms and
proclaims to the world.
BRUCE
I AM THE LORD THY BRUCE ALMIGHTY.
MY WILL BE DONE I
Bruce poses in dramatic god-like form, lightning crashes
behind him. He is an awesome god.
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Grace sits on the floor next to the coffee table with a box
of photos working on the album. She takes a sip of wine,
sets down the glass. Sam walks over and laps up the wine.
GRACE
(to Sam)
Well, at least I have someone to
drink with.
Grace hears Bruce coming up the stairs, singing.
51.
BRUCE
What if God was one of us. . .
Just a slob like one of us...
Just a stranger on a bus...
Trying to make his way. . .
Grace reacts a bit surprised by Bruce's happy tone, she gets
up, opens the door and there stands BRUCE, beaming smile,
holding a very unique BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.
BRUCE
(finishing song)
...home.
GRACE
(re: the flowers)
Oh, my God.
BRUCE
You can call me Bruce.
GRACE
Where have you been? You're
so...happy.
BRUCE
Who wouldn't be on a night like
this?
(holding out the flowers)
For you.
Grace takes the flowers, gives Bruce a kiss, still sizing up
his mood.
GRACE
These are amazing. What are they?
BRUCE
It's a totally new breed. A cross
pollination between tulips and
Daisies. I call them Todayzees.
GRACE
Todayzees? Okay...
Grace goes to put them in water.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
GRACE
Bruce, is there something you're
not telling me?
52.
BRUCE
Nothing of this world. Why?
GRACE
What do you mean, why? Last night
you weren't exactly happy with
life.
BRUCE
Last night, I was only human.
Bruce backs out of the kitchen seductively.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bruce breezes through, casually instructs the stereo as he
passes.
BRUCE
CD 4, Track 7.
The Stereo illuminates and Barry White music plays.
EXT. BALCONY - CONTINUOUS
Bruce opens the doors, steps onto the balcony. He surveys
the cloudy sky, reaches up with his hand and ERASES THE
CLOUDS, LIKE ON A CHALKBOARD.
Still not completely satisfied he reaches up toward the moon
and makes a LASSOING MOTION, THEN BEGINS TO PULL.
CUT TO:
OUTER SPACE - BEHIND THE MOON
Earth far off in the distance - And with a THUNDEROUS RUMBLE
the MOON starts MOVING CLOSER TO EARTH.
BACK TO SCENE
Bruce adds a finishing touch by adding several stars with
points of his finger.
Grace joins Bruce on the balcony and is taken aback by the
perfectly orchestrated sky.
GRACE
Wow, it really cleared up. I've
never seen the moon that big.
Bruce puts his arms around Grace from behind.
53.
BRUCE
We shouldn't waste it.
Bruce starts kissing her neck. Grace turns, .they kiss and a
METEOR SHOWER lights the sky behind them. The kiss ends.
BRUCE
Bedroom.
GRACE
Five minutes.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Grace grabs a neglige from the drawer, heads into the
bathroom. Bruce enters, adjusts the ambience of the room,
BLOWS THE LIGHTS OUT with a quick puff of air, LIGHTS CANDLES
with a gesture. His clothes magically fall away.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Grace slips her neglige on, begins brushing her hair.
GRACE
I'11 be out in a minute.
BRUCE (O.S.) *
Don't rush yourself. Sometimes *
anticipation can heighten the *
pleasure. *
Grace SHUDDERS a bit at the word "pleasure", quickly finishes *
brushing, picks up her lipstick. *
BRUCE (O.S.) *
It's a funny thing about, pleasure. *
GRACE'S KNEES BUCKLE, causing the lipstick to smear across *
her face. She sits down on the toilet seat to get a hold of *
herself. *
BRUCE (O.S.) *
It can be extremely pleasurable. *
Grace has a very POWERFUL ORGASM and slides off the toilet *
out of frame to the ground. *
GRACE *
(out of control) *
Oh, oh. Oh my... *
CUT TO: *
54.
BRUCE
Standing at the door with both arms extended toward the
bathroom like an WARLOCK CASTING A SPELL. Suddenly the light
hits him from the open bathroom door and he quickly strikes a
casual pose.
Grace stands in the open doorway, panting like an animal.
She dives on Bruce, attacking him.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
ON TV - THE MORNING NEWS
MORNING REPORTER
In international news, Japanese
relief workers are staging a
desperate effort to rescue hundreds
of people stranded by a freak tidal
wave that hit Kitamoto City...
We see remote footage of Japanese families being airlifted
from root tops.
MORNING REPORTER
Scientists say the tsunami may have
been caused by what they're
describing as "unusual lunar
activity." More on this, as it
develops. . .
Grace half watches the newscast as she finishes breakfast.
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
Bruce lies blissfully asleep. Big smile, life is good.
Then, we hear WHISPERING - Like distant voices MURMURING all
at once. Bruce wakes with a start. He looks around puzzled,
sticks his finger in his ear checking his hearing as the
voices fade away.
ANGLE - SAM
Circling, getting ready to go on the carpet. Bruce casually
warns.
BRUCE
Sam. Uh uh uh.
55.
Sam looks at Bruce for a beat, then walks into bathroom,
raises the toilet seat with his nos e, and STANDS UP ON HIS
TWO HIND LEGS, HOLDING HIS SNAUSAGE WITH HIS FRONT PAWS (NO,
WE DON'T SEE IT) AND STARTS TO GO. He looks proudly back at
Bruce.
BRUCE
Good boy.
INT. KITCHEN
Grace places breakfast on the table. Bruce comes out, fully
dressed with a spring in his step.
BRUCE
Good morning.
GRACE
(gushy-lovey, sing songy)
Good morning. Cooked you grilled
cheese.
BRUCE
Oo, my favey.
Bruce sits, Grace sets down his plate, leans close.
GRACE
Last night was just...
BRUCE
Heavenly?
GRACE
Mmm hmm.
Bruce enjoys his grilled cheese.
GRACE
It's funny, but when I woke up this
morning, It felt like my boobs were
bigger.
Bruce looks away, guilty, trying to be nonchalant.
GRACE
(holding them up)
Do they look bigger to you?
BRUCE
Huh? Ah, no, they, ah, look the
same to me.
56.
They aren't. They are clearly bigger. She holds them.
GRACE
They're definitely bigger. They
feel huge to me.
Bruce throws up his hands.
BRUCE
You got me. Probably just a
hormonal thing.
(takes a quick final bite)
Well, enjoy your breakfast, I've
gotta run.
GRACE
Where are you going?
He stops, turns. A new confident Bruce.
BRUCE
To get my job back.
MUSIC UP:
EXT. BRUCE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Bruce heads for his severely beat-up junker car whistling
"What if God were One of Us."
INT. BRUCE'S CAR
CLOSE ON - BRUCE
He gets in, fastens his seat belt, as two teenagers cruise by
on skateboards, stop outside Bruce's window.
TEENAGER
(sincerely impressed)
Wow, nice car man.
BRUCE
Well, it gets me from A to B.
MASTER - STREET
Reveal Bruce's car is now a brand new MERCEDES 2003 VISION
SLR. He starts and revs THE POWERFUL NEW ENGINE and peels
out.
57.
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
Bruce turns the corner into bumper to bumper traffic. No
problem, the traffic magically opens up for him, cars
instantly swerving right and left clearing a path for Bruce.
He waves as he passes.
BRUCE
And the last shall be first.
EXT. POLICE TRAINING CENTER - DAY
A POLICE DOG, HANK, performs some standard TAKE DOWNS by
"attacking" a "criminal" (trainer) on the run. PHIL, a
reporter from a rival station is wrapping up his story.
PHIL
I certainly wouldn't want to be a
fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo's number one police dog, on
the job. This is Phil Sidleman
reporting from The Police Canine
Training center.
(beat)
And cut it. Let's go, guys.
The crew start to wrap up.
ANGLE - BRUCE
Watching the action from the side, holding his own home video
camera. Phil spots him.
PHIL
Hey, channel seven, right? You're
the guy that went crazy.
BRUCE
Yeah, I had a bad day. But things
are lookin' up.
PHIL
What are you doin' here?
BRUCE
Just lookin' for a story.
PHIL
(waving the video tape)
Well, this pond's fished out.
Pretty standard stuff anyway.
58.
BRUCE
I don't know. My instinct tells me
there's something more.
PHIL
Well, go with that. It's served
you well in the past, right?
Phil and a couple of his crew laugh, as they load the last of
their equipment into the van and shut the doors.
TRAINER (O.S.)
Hey, Hank found something1
Phil turns back, Bruce and he exchange a glance.
Hank is DIGGING FURIOUSLY, making a BIG HOLE. The Policeman
jogs over, joins the trainer. They watch as TWO DRESS SHOES
ARE UNCOVERE D IN THE DI RT. Hank BARKS.
POLICEMAN
We got a bodyI
PHIL
(to his crew)
Shit. Get the camera, now!
EXTREME CLOSE ON - THE VAN'S DOOR LOCK
It LOCKS AUTOMATICALLY. The CAMERAMAN yanks at the door.
CAMERAMAN
It's locked and the keys are
inside I
Bruce casually turns his camera on, gives Phil a "tough
break" look, heads for the scene, as Phil and his crew
scramble around the van.
CUT TO:
ON A TV ·
DAN RATHER
The body of Jimmy Hoffa was
uncovered in a field today outside
of a canine training center in
Buffalo New York. Local Buffalo
freelance field reporter Bruce
Nolan was the first on the scene...
59.
We cut to the pre-taped story. Bruce stands with Hank and
his trainer before camera, the body being exhumed from the
ground behind him.
BRUCE
Since the disapearence of Teamster
president Jimmy Hoffa in the
nineteen sixties, his whereabouts
have remained one of this country's
great unsolved mysteries. That is
until just moments ago, when during
a routine training session, a
police dog named Hank sniffed his
way right into the history books.
As you can see behind us, the body
is being carefully exhumed and will
be transported to a hospital
facility where DNA testing will
confirm the identity. That, of
course, only a formality as in a
bizarre twist, the body was found
buried with a birth certificate and
complete set of dental records.
(rubs Hank's neck)
Sort of a two-in-one for Hank
today, as moments later, he busted
a local news camera crew with four
kilo's of marijuana.
We see footage of PHIL AND HIS NEWS CREW, being cuffed on the
ground, as large stacks of marijuana plants are being pulled
from the van.
PHIL
I've never seen it before, I swear I
EXT. NEWS STATION - DAY
As Bruce pulls up in front of the building the NO PARKING
SIGN flies back into the bushes and the RED CURB TRANSFORMS
TO GREEN as though being sloppily painted with invisible
brushes.
Bruce exits the car and smooths past the Homeless Sign Guy,
who sits in his usual spot. His sign reads:
"HEAVEN IS AT HAND. LEGGO YOUR EGGO."
INT. NEWSROOM - DAY
Bruce cruises through the office, fielding greetings.
60.
VARIOUS OFFICE STAFF
Nice Job, Bruce...Way to go,
buddy...GO get 'em, Bruce, etc.
Susan Ortega smooths up to Bruce.
SUSAN ORTEGA
Hi, Bruce.
BRUCE
(surprised)
Oh, Susan.. Hi.
SUSAN ORTEGA
Good work, I'm impressed.
She give's Bruce a "look" and continues on. Bruce is a bit
inflated by the encounter.
Bobby the pastry cart guy wheels his cart up along side.
BOBBY
Hey, Br uce . N ice job , m an. Wa sn' t
the same without you around here,
pal.
(leading)
I hear Jack wants to see you.
BRUCE
That's the word.
BOBBY
You're going to need your energy in
there. Can I interest you in a
donut?
BRUCE
No, thank you, I'm not hungry.
BOBBY
Coffee?
BRUCE
No.
BOBBY
Fiber grain bar with bee pollen and
Spiralina?
BRUCE
I'm really not interested.
61.
BOBBY
Yeah, I don't blame 'ya, they taste
like grass.
Bobby CUTS BRUCE OFF WITH HIS CART. Bruce is forced to stop.
BOBBY
Tell you what? I wasn't going to
break it open until lunch time, but
I made a batch of rhubarb that you
have got to try.
BRUCE
Bobby, I--
BOBBY
Come on, it's my mother's recipe
she's practically cripple...
Bobby forces a ladle of rhubarb out at Bruce.
BRUCE
No, I really- no...
BOBBY
Open up, that's it, here comes the
news chopper...
(makes sound of Chopper)
BRUCE
No, Bobby.. Bobby N01 I said I
didn't want anything.
(turns, heading off)
Damn you...
Bruce continues off, as Bobby stops cold, adopts an odd
expression, then his EYES ROLL UP IN THEIR SOCKETS, SPIN ALL
THE WAR AROUND, THEN GLOW RED. LITTLE HORN BUMPS PUSH UP
FROM HIS SKULL. He turns instantly demonic.
An overly PERKY FEMALE OFFICE WORKER approaches Bobby from
behind.
FEMALE OFFICE WORKER
Hi, Bobby. Is there any of that
split pea soup left?
She is instantly hit in the chest with a stream of green
vomit. A beat and Bobby offers out a plastic spoon.
INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY
ON JACK
6 2.
He sees Bruce enter, immediately perks up. *
JACK *
(big laugh) *
The re he i sl Ho ff al H a i W h a t a r e *
the odds of that? *
BRUCE *
(laughing along with him) *
Ha! What are the odds? *
JACK
Look, I'll be straight. We want
you back, Bruce. I want to tell
you, it wasn't my decision to let
you go. When the big guy gives the
order, I gotta...
BRUCE
No harm no foul, Jack. I needed
some time off to reassess my goals
and get in touch with my true self.
JACK
You did that in a day?
BRUCE
Imagine what I can do with seven.
Jack pauses for an awkward beat. His face grows serious.
JACK
I haven't been the best father in
the world.
BRUCE
What's that?
JACK
I cur se a lo t. I c hea t on my
ta xe s. My w ife u se d t o mak e my
kids call me, when she was alive...
(breaking down)
...Now, I go to strip clubs, and
dri nk a ll nig ht. Bu t at le ast
their open unt il four. W hat are
you doing tonight?
BRUCE
Oh, I'm busy doing...things.
Jack recovers, rejuvenated.
63.
JACK
Yeah, I gotcha. It feels good to
get that out. Thank you.
Jack gives Bruce a big hug.
JACK
Look, it's not in my power to give
you a nchor, but as far as field
repor ting goes, if you're looking
for a bump.
BRUCE
Jack, don't worry about that. Just
give me a camera and a crew and
I'll give you the news.
Bruce exits. Jack likes the new Bruce.
INT. NEWSROOM
Bruce heads out as The Eyewitness News opening plays on
several monitors. Susan Ortega opens.
SUSAN
Good evening and welcome to
Eyewitness News at six. I'm Susan
Ortega.
EVAN
And I'm Evan Baxter. And here's
what's making news...
This stops Bruc e. He watc hes Evan on a newsr oom monit or. A
devilish smile forms on Bruce's face.
EVAN
A potential scandal with the
Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when...
Evan's voice suddenly becomes HIGH PITCHED, like a girls.
EVAN
(falsetto)
...the mayor demanded that the
Chief of Police issue...
(clears his throat)
...Uh-hum, that the Chief of
Police...
Evan tries to clear his throat again, but his voice remains
HIGH PITCHED.
64,
-^ EVAN
(j · (falsetto)
1^ ...the Chief of Police issue a
response over allegations made
b. . .
y
INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
JACK
What the hell is that?
Evan is starting to visibly sweat.
EVAN
(falsetto)
I'm sorry. There seems to be
something.
Evan shoots Susan a look to cover for him. Susan tries to
cover with a joke.
SUSAN
Looks like my new co-anchor may
need a glass of water.
She laughs, Evan laughs in a RIDICULOUS HIGH PITCHED GIRLY
L AU GH tha t m ak es it ev en w or se . H e s ip s th e w at er a nd hi s
/·" "" N
VJ voice returns.
EVAN
Ah, there we go. Sorry about that.
The Prime Minister of Sweden
visited Washington today as my
little tiny nipples moved to France-
Evan stops cold, staring at the teleprompter.
INT. TV STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
The Director in the booth reacts.
DIRECTOR
What did he just say? Check the
prompter.
The Console Operator checks the text being fed to Evan.
CONSOLE OPERATOR
It's fine.
DIRECTOR
Well, signal for him to keep going.
65.
-^ The Stage Manager motions to Evan, he reluctantly continues
/ reading.
INTERCUT TV STUDIO AND NEWSROOM MONITOR
EVAN
The White House reception committee
greeted the Prime Rib Roast
Minister and I do the cha cha like
a sissy girl...
(urged to keep going, so
continues slowly)
I lika do da cha cha...
In desperation, Evan shifts from the prompter to the paper
script on his desk.
EVAN
Sorry, we're having a few technical
difficulties, here...
(reading) *
In other n-n-n-n....n-n-n-n... *
Evan's NOSE STARTS BLEEDING. A sudden stream out of one *
nostril. Susan reacts. So does Jack. Bruce smiles.
, Evan sees the blood, tries to stop it but it only streams
-/ faster. He keeps talking, but the stream increases. Susan
gets up, tries to help.
SUSAN
Somebody get some napkins. Dallas,
help me.
DALLAS
I'm not touching hinu
(realizing he's on camera)
I mean, I'm not really qualified.
Evan's hair IGNITES.
SUSAN
His hair's on fire!
Dallas runs off.
BRUCE
(casual to an amazed news
staffer)
You know, he does have a certain
pizazz about him.
66.
Susan reaches for a water pitcher, as a crew man steps in and
BLASTS Evan's head with a fire extinguisher. Evan is in
shock, his face now white.
The screen cuts to a "PLEASE STAND-BY" title card, then cuts
to an episode of "Dragnet."
ON BRUCE - It's fun to be God.
MUSIC UP/MONTAGE UP
EXT. FAIR GROUNDS - DAY
Bruce is bored off his ass, interviewing some BLUE HAIRED OLD
LADIES at the Mark Twain chili cook off.
BLUE HAIRED LADY
(talks so slow you want to
kill yourself)
My secret is I let the jalapeno's
marinade in a spicy sauce for over
24 hours before I--
We see Bruce's pained face, realizing what horrible news this
is, when he gets an idea and SCHWWWWWAAAAAAM!11 AN ASTEROID
CRASHES to earth behind them.
BRUCE
Hold that thought, Hazel!
(Bruce walks back toward
the explosion)
It seems some type of meteor or
asteroid has, by chance, hit the
earth right behind the Mark Twain
Chili Cook Off. . .
EXT. SKY - DAY
Bruce is free-falling in full sky diving uniform.
BRUCE
. . . So remember, it's sky diving
season at Old Pete's airfield.
(grabs the ripcord)
This is Bruce Nolan..
(gives it a tug, doesn't
budge)
My rip cord appears to be a bit
stuck.
Bruce yanks again harder, nothing, then again and the cord
rips free from the suit.
67.
BRUCE
This is a very unfortunate turn of
events. I'm heading toward the
earth at a very precarious speed...
The cameraman pops his shoot and we see Bruce continue to
stream toward the ground below. He falls into a wooded area.
A CAMERA ON THE GROUND picks up the coverage, runs through
the brush with other BYSTANDERS to find Bruce laying on top
of a BIG, HAIRY CREATURE.
BYSTANDERS (O.S.)
He's okay...What's that?...It's
Bigfoot!...Bigfoot broke his
fall!. . .
Bruce stands groggy, points to a dazed Bigfoot.
BRUCE
Ah ha! You are real!
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Bruce sits watching a hockey game on TV. He follows the puck
intently with his eyes, as though controlling it's path.
GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!
CUT TO:
G O AL , S A BE R S! TH E C R OW D R OA R S!
CUT TO:
Grace sits aside him, working on the photo album.
GRACE
Do you believe how they're playing?
(beat)
Oh, honey, would you hand me the
scissors?
Bruce diverts his attention, when the Sabers screw up and the
crowd GROANS. Bruce immediately turns, looks intently at the
puck and GOAL, SABERS! THE CROWD ROARS!
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING
CLOSE ON - BRA CLASP
Grace's BOOBS ARE EVEN BIGGER. Bruce is trying to help her
fasten her bra, but it's a good three inches from touching.
Bruce shrugs "got me."
68.
EXT. BUFFALO ZOO - DAY
Bruce is doing a report just outside the Pandas' enclosure.
BRUCE
In the past, zoo officials have
been unable to get these Panda's to
mate, but that doesn't seem to be a
problem today.
REVEAL A MALE PANDA wholeheartedly humping another PANDA.
BRUCE
And the mood seems to be catching
o. . .
n
WIDE SHOT of the enclosure - PANDA'S are coupled off and
humping everywhere. Mothers are frantically covering
children's eyes, ushering them away from the exhibit.
QUICK CUTS OF DIFFERENT NEWSCASTERS ON TV
NEWSCASTER
His stories are all over town...
NEWSCASTER #2
...from unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...
NEWSCASTER #3
...to an asteroid crashing to
earth. Bruce Nolan is rapidly
becoming known as. . .
EXT. BUFFALO - DAY
A BILLBOARD being put up with a big smiling Bruce with arms
extended. It reads: "Mr. Exclusive".
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT *
A close up of Bruce on the Jumbotron. *
ANNOUNCER *
Ladies and Gentlemen, please *
welcome Mr. Exlusive, Bu ffal o's *
own, Bruce Nolan. *
Bruce starts SINGING THE MOST AMAZING GOSPEL SINGER/JAZZ *
VERSION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ANYONE HAS EVER HEARD. *
BRUCE *
Oh, say can you *
seeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeee... *
69.
ON GRACE - IN THE STANDS . *
Debbie turns to her, she shrugs. *
GRACE *
I didn't even know he could sing. *
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
Grace opens the bathroom door, revealing SAM, SITTING ON THE
TOILET SEAT WITH A NEWSPAPER UNDER HIS FRONT PAWS. Sam BARKS
and Grace quickly closes the door.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT *
Bruce sings, still on the same word. *
BRUCE *
...eeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeee. . . *
INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
Bruce finishes running a bath, gets into the tub but SLIPS as
is UNABLE TO SINK and ends up sliding around ON THE WATER
like on a sheet of glass. He tries to break through, can't.
Then, he concentrates and finally LOWERS INTO THE WATER.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - NIGHT *
Bruce dramatically finishes the national anthem. *
BRUCE *
...of the *
BraaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE i . *
He hits an impossibly high note and the rink glass SHATTERS I *
Bruce is projected on the ARENA JUMBOTRON. He shoots his *
arms up, the crowd goes nuts! "Mr. Exclusive" flashes on the *
screen. *
EXT. WOODS - DAY
A Mob of photographers flash photos like crazy, as Bruce
stands casually with his arm around BIGFOOT.
BRUCE
...and that's the way the cookie
crumbles.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS - DAY
Bruce surrounded by Hazel and other chili cook off
contestants shouts up from the bottom of the crater hole:
70.
BRUCE & CHILI CONTESTANTS
(in unison)
And that's the way the cookie
crumbles!
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - DAY *
The words FLASH on the jumbotron and the entire crowd chants: *
CROWD *
And that's the way the cookie *
crumbles! *
MUSIC OUT/MONTAGE OUT
INT. BEAUTY SALON - DAY
Grace lies in full body wrap, while Debbie is in the process
of being wrapped by MARGARITA, a rather ruff Spanish Salon
attendant.
DEBBIE
So this is what success buys you.
GRACE
I guess.
(wiggling around)
I feel like a human taquito.
DEBBIE
Well, thank Mr. Exclusive for me.
He's on a quite a roll. What'd he
do make a deal with the devil?
GRACE
And he's taking me out tonight to
dinner at Chez L'Amour.
DEBBIE
Well, la-ti-da. Mike's idea of a
romantic evening is Chez Sizzler.
Margarita pulls the wrap tightly around Debbie.
DEBBIE
(to Margarita)
What does this do again?
MARGARITA
EstS para su grasa.
DEBBIE
Grasa? Doesn't that mean fat?
71.
GRACE
Afraid so.
Debbie eyes Margarita.
GRACE
(gushing)
So, Bruce said and I quote:
"Prepare yourself for an amazing
evening that will change our lives
forever."
Margarita reaches Debbie's waist and YANKS tightly.
DEBBIE
Good - you wouldn't want to leave
any spare oxygen in there.
(back to Grace)
Wait a second, you don't think he's
going to propose, do you?
GRACE
I don't think anything.
DEBBIE
You do. You think he's going to
propose.
GRACE
Well, he's always said when he gets
his career together, you know...
And his career is more than
together. I mean, come on, Chez
L'Amour. Change our lives...
DEBBIE
I don't know, hun. I mean, I like
Bruce but that man's priority list
is him, him, him, then him some
more and then you.
GRACE
Well, he just might surprise you.
DEBBIE
That's what I'm worried about.
(re: Margarita)
Careful, you missed a spot of free
flowing circulation.
Margarita senses the attitude and pulls tighter. Debbie
reacts.
72.
DEBBIE
That'd do it.
Margarita motions for Debbie to lay down and leaves. Debbie
struggles to lay down.
DEBBIE
Let's see, how do I--
Debbie slides to the ground, Grace cracks up, gets up to
help, but also in mummy wrap, topples on top of her. They
both laugh and struggling to get up.
Hearing the ruckus, Margarita enters and gasps.
MARGARITA
Lesbianas1
Grace and Debbie crack up harder.
DEBBIE
Hey, I'll take that over fat...
Margarita tries to pull them up, but falls too.
MARGARITA
No sexo, no sexol
Grace and Debbie can't stop laughing.
INT. CHEZ L'AMOUR - NIGHT
A waiter pours the first trickle of wine into Bruce's glass.
Bruce whiffs it, tastes it.
BRUCE
Very good. If you run out just
bring me some water, I'll take it
from there.
Grace looks over the menu as Bruce notices people at various
tables eyeing him. He glances up to a ceiling light and
REDIRECTS IT with his mind, so it SPOTLIGHTS HIM in golden
light.
TWO CUTE GIRLS with dates SMILE and wave. He waves back.
GRACE
Should we ask for a more private
table?
73,
BRUCE
Huh? Oh, no this is fine right
here.
Bruce looks at Grace lovingly. He takes her hand.
BRUCE
I was going to wait until after the
meal, but I think it's going to
just bust out of me if I don't do
it now.
Grace beams, looks at Bruce with total love.
BRUCE
You ready?
GRACE
(nervous)
I think so.
BRUCE
I got anchor.
Grace's face falls. She does her best to cover.
BRUCE
Evidently, they're having problems
with Evan. He's finishing up the
week and I go live Monday.
GRACE
That's great, honey.
Congratulations. Wow. So that's
what's tonight is about?
BRUCE
Well, yeah. Grace, I got anchor.
We got anchor!
She's having a hard time covering her let down.
BRUCE
(noticing her flat
reaction)
What's the matter?
GRACE
Well, to be honest, I thought that
maybe tonight, you--
The TWO CUTE GIRLS interrupt, approach Bruce.
74.
CUTE GIRL #1
I'm sorry, but we had to come over.
We just think you're amazing and...
CUTE GIRL #2
Well, we can't believe it's you!
They both laugh, Bruce enjoys the attention.
BRUCE
(laughing along)
Yep, it's me.
CUTE GIRL #1
Can we get a picture with you?
BRUCE
Well, sure.
(glances to Grace)
Just one second, hun.
(leans to Grace)
Fans. We better get used to this,
huh?
Grace sits watching the two girls take turns sitting on
Bruce's lap, taking pictures. Sees Bruce relishing in the
attention. One girl gives Bruce a peck on the cheek and they
r"sS!w^w!s
leave. Grace is clearly upset.
GRACE
You have lipstick on your face.
BRUCE
Oh, thanks...
GRACE
Bruce, we need to talk. I thought
we had an understanding--
Suddenly, the WHISPERS start again. Bruce looks around,
figures it's coming from the restaurant patrons.
BRUCE
Wow. It's kind of loud in here.
Grace looks around the quiet romantic setting.
GRACE
What are you talking about? It's
not loud.
The WHISPERS GROW IN VOLUME.
75.
BRUCE
Geez...
(shouts to the restaurant)
----- - COULD YOU ~KEEP TT DOWNl--- --
GRACE
Bruce, this isn't funny.
BRUCE
(talking loud .over the
"racket")
WHAT? WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A
SECOND?
He gets up and darts off.
INT. CHEZ L'AMOUR KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Bruce races through the restaurant kitchen holding his ears -
EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
He BURSTS out the kitchen exit into the alley. Unclasps his
ears, but no relief. The whispers are now loud voices. We
start to make out fragments of words "Please," "Help me,"
etc.
Overwhelmed and scared, he slides down the alley wall,
covering his face, then TOTAL SILENCE --
Bruce lowers his hands and finds himself SITTING ATOP A HIGH
MOUNTAIN PEAK.
GOD (O.S.)
Really something isn't it?
God sits down next to Bruce.
BRUCE
Is this heaven?
God laughs at this one.
GOD
It's Everest. You should try
flipping on the Discovery Channel
every now and then. Well, I guess
you can't now, being dead and all.
BRUCE
I'm dead?I
God laughs.
76.
GOD
No, I'm just messing with you.
BRUCE
Those voices...
GOD
They're prayers, Bruce. You keep
ignoring them and they're going to
build up on. you like that. You
didn't think being God was going to
be all fun and games did you?
BRUCE
Prayers? Those are prayers? Why
can't I understand them?
God forms a snowball in his hands as he talks.
GOD
You aren't listening, son. Let's
see, you've had my powers for over
a week now and how many people have
you helped?
BRUCE
Okay, so maybe I've righted a
couple of the wrongs in my own
life. I was going to get around to
others. I can do both. I can help
the world.
GOD
The world? That wasn't the world,
Bruce. That was just Buffalo,
between Commonwealth and 57th.
Didn't want |
