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CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
               a screenplay by

               Charlie Kaufman



                  based on

       CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND

        an unauthorized biography by
                Chuck Barris




                                 third draft (revised)
                                           May 5, 1998

MUSIC IN:   OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL

TEXT, WHITE ON BLACK:


            This film is a reenactment of actual
            events. It is based on Mr. Barris's
            private journals, public records, and
            hundreds of hours of taped interviews.

FADE IN:

EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT

SUBTITLE: NEW YORK CITY, FALL 1981

It's raining.    A cab speeds down a dark, bumpy side-street.

INT. CAB - CONTINUOUS

Looking in his rearview mirror, the cab driver checks out his
passenger: a sweaty young man in a gold blazer with a "P"
insignia over his breast pocket. Several paper bags on the
back seat hedge him in. The young man is immersed in the
scrawled list he clutches in his hand. A passing street
light momentarily illuminates the list and we glimpse a few
of the entries: double-coated waterproof fuse (500 feet);
.38 ammo (hollowpoint configuration); potato chips (Lays).

GONG SHOW

An excerpt from The Gong Show (reenacted). The video image
fills the screen. We watch a fat man recite Hamlet,
punctuating his soliloquy with loud belching noises. The
audience is booing. Eventually the man gets gonged. Chuck
Barris, age 50, hat pulled over his eyes, dances out from the
wings to comfort the agitated performer.

                      PERFORMER
            Why'd they do that? I wasn't done.

                      BARRIS (AGE 50)
            I don't understand. Juice, why'd you
            gong this nice man?

                         JAYE P. MORGAN
            Not to be.     That is the answer.

The studio audience laughs.

                                                            2.



INT. TAXI CAB - NIGHT

The cab sloshes to a stop in front of a liquor store. The
young man gets out, jogs through the rain toward the
fluorescent storefront. The cab driver waits, listens to
staticky reports in a foreign language on his radio. The
meter is running. The back seat is piled high with bags.

GONG SHOW

Chuck Barris spastically dances on the screen along with Gene
Gene the Dancing Machine. Barris turns to the camera, points
at it.

                      BARRIS
            We'll be right back with more stuff.

INT. TAXI CAB - NIGHT

The back of the cab is filled with even more bags and boxes.
The cab stops. The young man gets out and confers with a
shady looking guy on the corner. The young man pulls out a
big wad of cash. Money and a small package change hands.
The meter in the cab is at thirty-five dollars and change.

THE GONG SHOW

Chuck Barris is being sniffed in the crotch by a large dog.
The audience howls with glee. Suddenly the video image
explodes. Slow motion sparks and shards of glass shoot
toward the camera. We pull back to reveal we're in a
darkened, messy hotel room. We pan across the walls, past
taped-up, yellowed newspaper clippings with headlines like
"Gong Show a New Low in Television", "The Dumbing of
America", and "Chuck Barris is the Decline of Western
Civilization." We come to rest on a naked middle-aged man
crouching in the shadows in the corner, holding a gun. This
is Chuck Barris. The television continues to sputter, spark,
and smoke. There is a knock at the door.

                      BARRIS
                (mumbly)
            Fuck. Shit. Piss.


Naked Barris, still holding the gun, seems panicked. He
hesitates, trying to determine his options. Should he answer
the door? Should he climb out onto the window ledge?
Finally, he creeps to the door and peeks out the peephole for
a long moment. He unlocks the door, opens it. The sweaty,
young man, a bellhop, stands there with his many bags.



                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                              3.
CONTINUED:

He tries to appear casual as takes in the sight: a naked
Chuck Barris holding a gun, an exploded, smoking tv set in
the background.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
              (weakly)
          More stuff?

                    BELLHOP
          Yes sir, Mr. Barris. Everything you
          requested. Except I couldn't find a...
              (consults list)
          ... DH-10 directional fragmentation mine.

                    BARRIS
          Well, it's late.
              (mumbling and bowing)
          But thank you. Thank you for trying.
          You are a scholar and a...

Barris trails off, gives a quick glance both ways down the
hall, then motions for the bellhop to enter. The bellhop
places the bags on a table, fishes in his pocket and pulls
out some bills.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Keep it. It's okay. Keep it.    You are a
          scholar and a...

Barris trails off.

                    BELLHOP
              (eyes averted)
          Thank you, sir.

Suddenly Barris becomes agitated.

                    BARRIS
          Why are you not looking at me like that?
          Do I look ugly to you?
              (runs to the mirror)
          It's the not sleeping. I'm not sleeping,
          see. I have a lot on my...

Barris trails off. There is a pause.   The bellhop attempts
to make conversation.

                    BELLHOP
              (re: exploded tv)
          Um, another Gong Show rerun, sir?

The naked Barris approaches the bellhop, drapes his arm over
the young man's shoulder and walks with him.


                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                              4.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
              (conspiratorially)
          You know what I'd do? -- And don't tell
          anybody -- I'd rub... I'd rub Alpo brand
          dog food on my dick so the dogs would
          stick their noses into my... dick.
          Guaranteed big laugh, right? That was my
          trick, my great contribution to the
          world. How wouldn't I degrade myself, I
          ask you.

There is a silence.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
                 (screaming)
          I ask you!
                    BELLHOP
          I... I... I don't know, sir.

Suddenly Barris punches himself in the head, flops down on
the unmade bed. The bellhop glances at Barris's bare ass,
looks away.

                    BELLHOP (CONT'D)
          Mr. Barris, maybe if you just don't watch
          the show every night, you wouldn't have
          to --

                    BARRIS
          I always pay for the damn tv's, don't I?
              (turning to face him)
          Don't I?!

                    BELLHOP
          It's -- Yes, you do, sir, and we
          appreciate that -- It's just that
          there've been complaints from some of the
          other guests, and Mr. Andrews, the
          assistant manager, requested that I --

                    BARRIS
          Still? Complaints? I specifically used
          the silencer this time! Specifically!

                    BELLHOP
          Well, the people in 917 found a bullet
          lodged in their wall. And while we want
          to accommodate you -- we certainly value
          your patronage -- there is an issue of
          customer safety.

Barris lets this sink in.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            5.
CONTINUED: (3)


                    BARRIS
          Yes, of course.

Barris finds his pants draped over a chair, pulls out his
wallet, holds some more money out to the bellhop.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          My apologies. Buy -- 917, is it? -- buy
          them a magnum of your finest champagne.
          And... and your finest spackle. Oh, and
          get me a bag of plastic army men while
          you're out. I forgot to tell you before.

The bellhop sighs, takes the money.

                    BELLHOP
          Thank you for your understanding, sir.

The bellhop exists.

                    BARRIS
              (calling after)
          And some black socks!   Seven black socks,
          you rascule!

Barris locks the door, dumps the contents of the bags onto
the floor, fishes through the mess for a cigar, puts the
cigar in his mouth, studies himself in a full length mirror.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Bellhop Johnson was clearly repulsed by
          the sight of me. And why not? I'm
          wrinkled...
              (searches for simile, then
               proudly)
          ... like a prune. Covered in liver
          spots...
              (searches for simile)
          ... like an old guy. My hair is falling
          out in clumps, leaving exposed patches of
          white, sickly scalp. A flabby inner-tube
          of fat hangs from my waist, practically
          obscuring my bedraggled prick -- dark and
          shriveled and dead. Still leaking urine
          even though I left the toilet ages ago.
          My asshole itches. Hemorrhoids abound.
          George Orwell said every man has the face
          he deserves by fifty. Does every man
          have the asshole he deserves by fifty, as
          well? Does every fifty year old asshole
          have the asshole he deserves?

                                                             6.



EXT. TERRACE - DAY

This feels real, verite. The actual Chuck Barris, smoking a
cigar, is being interviewed. He stands outside his villa in
St. Tropez, older than the middle-aged Barris depicted in the
hotel room, and talks to someone off-camera.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          It was 1981. I had holed myself up in
          this New York hotel. Parker Hotel.
          Terrified of everything. Ashamed of my
          life.

                     INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
          Ashamed?   What do you mean?

Barris walks through a small vegetable garden as he talks,
occasionally adjusting a stake or pulling out a weed.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          When you're young, your potential is
          infinite. You might do anything, really.
          You might be great. You might be
          Einstein. You might be Goethe. Then you
          get to an age where what you might be
          gives way to what you have been. You
          weren't Einstein. You weren't anything.
          That's a bad moment. But I remembered
          something Carlyle wrote: "... there is no
          life of a man, faithfully recorded, but
          is a heroic poem of its sort, rhymed or
          unrhymed." I realized my salvation might
          be in recording my wasted life,
          unflinchingly. Maybe it would serve as a
          cautionary tale. Maybe it would help me
          understand why.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Barris, now in a hotel terrycloth bathrobe and a porkpie hat,
sits at a desk and types manically.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I
          have written pop songs, I have been a
          television producer. I am responsible
          for polluting the airwaves with mind-
          numbing, puerile entertainment. In
          addition, I have murdered thirty-three
          human beings. I am damned to hell.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:

                                                              7.



EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY

It's sepia. Three year old Chuck, dressed somewhat girlishly
and sporting a blonde pageboy haircut is being posed on a
pony by a photographer. His mother stands by anxiously as
the boy totters on the animal.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in
          1931, my early childhood remains
          accessible to me only as a series of
          elliptical, enigmatic memories.

INT. BUTCHER SHOP - DAY

A smiling butcher hands a slice of bologna to young Barris,
who puts it in his mouth.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          The taste of bologna fresh from the
          butcher.

EXT. CEMENT YARD - DAY

A baby doll is set afire.   Young Barris dances around it.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          The sickly sweet smell of a burning
          babydoll on a crisp autumn day.

INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - DAY

Young Barris is being dressed by his mother. We're close on
the velvet material being slipped over his head.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Velvet brushing against my tender young
          skin, as my mother dressed me.

EXT. SCHOOL YARD - DAY

Young Barris rolling on the ground in battle with another
boy, as a crowd of children look on.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          A constant, inarticulate rage leading to
          fist fight after fist fight.

INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - MORNING

Young Barris watches dust motes lit by the early morning
sunlight pouring through his bedroom window.


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             8.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          The calm I felt watching dust suspended
          in the early morning sunlight.

INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - NIGHT

Young Barris sits on the floor and watches the shadow of a
man walking upstairs. The young boy is clearly terrified.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          I remember fear.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING

Toddler Barris watches his mother change clothes. He studies
her pendulous breasts. She looks down, smiles warmly.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
          Love.

                    MOTHER
          You like the way mommy looks, Chuckie?

                       BARRIS (AGE 4)
          Yes.

                    MOTHER
          I bet you would like to be a mommy some
          day, wouldn't you?

                    BARRIS
          Yes, mommy. Please.

                    MOTHER
          C'mere, you.

His mother lifts the little boy to her breasts and presses
his face against them. He is in heaven.

INT. CHILDHOOD HOME - DAY

Four year old Chuck sits at the dining room table with
several other four year olds. They all wear party hats.
Barris's father, a milquetoast middle-aged man enters in
birthday hat, carrying a cake decorated with four lit
candles. He leads the children in "Happy Birthday Dear
Chuck" as young Chuck beams.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
          Rejection.




                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                              9.
CONTINUED:


Chuck glances at the kitchen doorway. His mother stands
there, staring at him. She dressed in black mourning
clothes, complete with veil.

INT. NURSERY - DAY

Young Chuck peeks in as his mother sits in a rocking chair
and holds Barris's infant sister. She fusses with the bows
and frills on the baby's outfit. The light in the room is
golden and warm.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
          Expulsion.

We move in on the little boy's devastated face, then follow
him as he turns and walks down the hall into darkness.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A sixteen year old Barris lies on his back on a couch lazily
tossing a football in the air. Tuvia, a thirteen year old
girl, sits on the floor playing with a puppy. In the
background, throughout the scene, we hear the inept playing
of scales on a bass violin.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          When I was sixteen I had an experience
          with my little sister's friend Tuvia that
          left an indelible impression.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
             Phoebe's no Walter Page, huh, Tuvia?

                    TUVIA
          I don't know who that is.

                     BARRIS
          Of course you don't.
              (beat)
          Why are you waiting around anyway,
          listening to this cacophonous cacophony,
          when you could be in your own abode
          disrupting the lives of your own
          siblings?

                    TUVIA
          I don't know what anything you say means.

                      BARRIS
          No.    You wouldn't, would you.


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                          10.
CONTINUED:


Barris watches Tuvia playing with the dog. She gets on all
fours and yelps, imitating the dog. This excites the dog,
who bounces around her. Barris studies Tuvia's exposed white
underwear for a while. This excites Barris. Finally he
pulls an afghan off the back of the couch and drapes it over
his pants. We hear him unzip his fly.

                      BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Hey.

                    TUVIA
              (not looking)
          What?

                    BARRIS
          Hey, Tuvia.

                    TUVIA
              (turning)
          Wha-at?!

Tuvia sees Barris fiddling with something under the afghan.
She gets quiet.

                    BARRIS
          You wanna lick it?

Tuvia snorts, goes back to playing with the dog.

                      TUVIA
          No.    Why should I?

                    BARRIS
          Well, for one thing it tastes like
          strawberry. My sister tells me you love
          strawberries.

                    TUVIA
          Yeah, well... I hate strawberries.

                    BARRIS
          Honestly, a man's penis tastes exactly
          like a strawberry lollipop.

                    TUVIA
          Look, I know that's not true, so --

                    BARRIS
          It is true. It's weird but it's true.    I
          just read a research paper on it.

Tuvia looks at the afghan.

                                                           11.



INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Middle-aged Chuck Barris turns from the typewriter and stares
out the window at the dark night sky.

                    BARRIS
              (sadly wistful)
          My first love.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Tuvia's face jerks up into frame.   She spits.

                    TUVIA
          Uchh. Yech. It doesn't taste anything
          like strawberry, you creep.

The dog sticks his head under the afghan.   Barris shoos him
away.

                    BARRIS
              (curious)
          Well, what does it taste like?

Tuvia gets up.

                    TUVIA
          Y'know, I'm gonna tell your mother what
          you just did.

                    BARRIS
          If you do, I'll tell your mother you made
          our dog lick your crack.

                       TUVIA
          I did not!

                    BARRIS
              (shrugging)
          So what?

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Middle-aged Barris types as the camera glides over some of
the acquired detritus in his room: skin magazines, a gun and
silencer, liquor, a copy of Beyond Good and Evil, a disguise
kit, a kid's sprouted lima bean science fair project.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Perhaps my whole life turned at that
          point. The repulsiveness of my sex
          confirmed by the tastebuds of a ripening
          pubescent girl.

                                                             12.



MONTAGE

Sequence of young Barris unsuccessfully attempting to pick up
girls at bars, unsuccessfully attempting to cop a feel on a
date in a movie theater, standing on a front porch
unsuccessfully attempting to kiss a girl good night, standing
outside of a movie theater in the rain, holding an umbrella
over his head and checking his watch.

                    BARRIS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          And so I found myself in a downward
          spiral of debauchery. Endlessly chasing
          pussy. My only focus in life: to get
          laid, to get blown, trying to fool myself
          into believing that given the right
          combination of circumstances and
          deception, maybe the Tuvias of the world
          could desire me the way I desired them.
          I only wanted to be loved.

INT BAR - NIGHT

Barris is fighting another drunken guy.   He's getting
pummeled.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          A constant, inarticulate rage led to bar
          fight after bar fight.

The two men get tossed from the bar.

EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS

The other guy gets up, brushes himself off, orients himself,
and after a moment starts beating Barris again.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

SUBTITLE: New Jersey Turnpike, 1955

A bus drives along. We see from the sign above the
windshield that it is bound for New York.

INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS

Young Barris, age 24, in traveling clothes and red hunting
cap, stares out the window.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          As much as I tried, I couldn't understand
          my past and my present was miserable, so,
          at twenty-four, I decided what I needed
          was a future...

                                                             13.



EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER (1955) - DAY

Young Barris, suitcase in hand, looks up at the impressive
building. People hurry by.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          ... I had heard that television was an
          industry with a future.

Barris enters the building with resolve.

INT. NBC STUDIOS (1955) - DAY

Young Barris, age 24, dressed in an NBC blazer is leading a
group of sheep-like tourists down a hall.

                    BARRIS
          Next, we'll have a look at the studio
          where they produce the Today Show.

The tourists "ooooh." Another tour group comes around a
corner. This one is led by Georgia, a perky, blonde southern
girl. The two groups squeeze past each other. Chuck tries
to make eye contact with Georgia. He smiles at her, but she
ignores him.

INT. NBC COMMISSARY - DAY

Barris is at the cash register paying for his food. He looks
around for a place to sit. He spots Georgia, sitting with a
female friend, and he sits at a table behind, so as to listen
unobserved to their conversation.

                     GIRLFRIEND
          That fella Raymond in payroll is kinda
          cute, huh?

                    GEORGIA
          Cute's all well and good, Mary Ann, but
          what you want is a man who's goin'
          places. A go-getter on the management
          fast-track.

Barris registers this information.

INT. NBC PERSONNEL OFFICE - DAY

Barris stands at the counter talking to a female clerk.

                    BARRIS
          Management trainee application, please.

The clerk hands him an application without looking up.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                          14.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          How many people applying for this so far?

                    CLERK
              (calculating)
          Let's see, including you... about two
          thousand.

                    BARRIS
          For how many positions?

                    CLERK
              (looking up and smiling)
          Five.

INT. NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY - DAY

Barris sitting with a book and copying the names of three of
the board of directors of RCA onto his application under the
heading of "Personal References."

INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Young Barris is having sex with Georgia. They finish.
Barris rolls off her and onto his back. Georgia sighs.

                    GEORGIA
          Tell me again.

                    BARRIS
          Head of network sales at thirty.   Head of
          the entire network at forty.

                    GEORGIA
          And?

                     BARRIS
              (rote)
          Dead of a heart attack by fifty with all
          my millions left to you.

                    GEORGIA
          You're wonderful. I love you, Mr. Chuck
          Barris, management trainee.

She climbs on top of Barris and begins kissing him all over.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Life was sweet. For a minute.

                                                             15.



INT. BARRIS'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Georgia is looking radiant as she reads a movie magazine.
Barris enters. She runs over to kiss him.

                       GEORGIA
          Baby doll!

                    BARRIS
          I got fired.

She pulls away, studies him for a moment, lets it sink in.

                       GEORGIA
          Fired?

                     BARRIS
          Fired.   F-I-R...

                     GEORGIA
          Fired?   What the fuck did you get fired
          for?!

                    BARRIS
          I don't know, efficiency cutback. Some
          bullshit... Look, it's gonna be...

                    GEORGIA
          Well, I'm pregnant, you fuck!

                       BARRIS
          Pregnant?

                    GEORGIA
          Yeah, pregnant!

                    BARRIS
          What the fuck did you get pregnant for?!

                    GEORGIA
          What do you mean, what the fuck did I get
          pregnant for? You got me fucking
          pregnant, you fuck!

                    BARRIS
          Well, fuck you.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Barris sits drunkenly at the bar.   He talks to a drunken guy
next to him.



                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                                  16.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
             So I figured I'd skip town. I intend to
             be important, y'know, I can't be saddled
             with this.. But then I remembered
             something Carlyle said: "Do the duty
             which lies nearest thee."

                       BAR FLY
             Who's Carlyle?

                       BARRIS
             Dear God, why do I even bother?

                       BAR FLY
             Hey, fuck you, you condescending prick.

                       BARRIS
             Hey, fuck you.

                       BAR FLY
             Hey, fuck you.

                       BARRIS
             Hey, fuck you.

The guy punches Barris. A fight ensues.

INT. BARRIS'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Barris is drunk on the couch watching a tv game show, his
face swollen from the fight. Georgia enters.

                       GEORGIA
                 (pissy)
             Looks like I was just late.

Barris barely acknowledges this, continues to watch tv.

INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

Barris and Georgia are in bed. Georgia is asleep.        Barris
opens his eyes, quietly climbs out of bed.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Another verite-looking interview. A middle-aged blonde
woman, the actual Georgia, is talking to someone off-camera.
Sitting next to her is a Jewish-looking middle-aged man.

                       ACTUAL GEORGIA
             I woke up and he was gone. No note. No
             nothing. I never saw him again. Until
             that stupid tv show he did.

                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                            17.
CONTINUED:


                    JEWISH-LOOKING MAN
          The Gong Show.

                    ACTUAL GEORGIA
          I know what it's called, jerk.

INT. COMMUTER TRAIN    - DAY

We're close on a copy of the NY Herald Tribune. The headline
reads Clark Testifies Before "Payola" Committee. We pull
back to see young Barris, in a suit, reading the paper in a
passenger car of a moving train.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          In '61 I was thirty. I had become a
          minor suit at ABC. It was during the
          music payola scandal...

INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

American Bandstand is taping. The studio is filled with
dancing teens. Barris sits off to one side behind an
imposing desk in the semi-darkness, suspiciously watching
Dick Clark's every move, and taking copious notes. Clark
glances over nervously.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          ...so my job was to commute to Philly
          every day to the American Bandstand
          tapings, and keep an eye on Dick Clark.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

The actual Dick Clark is being interviewed.

                    DICK CLARK
          Chuck Barris? He spooked me. I tried to
          keep on his good side becuase he was sort
          of... spooky.

                       INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
          How so?

                    DICK CLARK
          I dunno, there was something in his eyes.
          Something dark, like unbridled ambition,
          maybe. Or an inarticulate rage.

EXT. PALISADES PARK - NIGHT

Barris walks through the crowds. A dark look in his eyes as
he follows some giggling teenage girls in poodle skirts.


                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             18.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          On weekends I used to hang around
          amusement parks. Because that's where
          the young girls were.

INT. BARRIS'S TENEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

Young Barris lies in bed masturbating.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          I wrote a song about my experience.

The song "Palisades Park" begins.

                    FREDDIE CANNON
          Last night I took a walk after dark/to
          see a place called Palisades Park/to have
          some fun and see what I could see/that's
          where the girls are

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TV STUDIO

A sign above the stage reads The Dick Clark Saturday Night
Beechnut Show. Freddie Cannon is on stage singing "Palisades
Park" as a crowd of 1962 teenagers dance on the studio floor.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          I got it to Freddie "Boom Boom" Cannon
          through my friendship with Dick Clark.
          Dick really wanted to help me out.

                    FREDDIE CANNON
          I took a ride on the shoop de shoop/that
          girl I sat beside was awful cute/and when
          we stopped she was holding hands with
          me/my heart was flying/up like a rocket
          ship/down like a roller coaster/fast like
          a loop de loop/round like a merry go
          'round...

Young Barris watches happily from behind the cameras. He
spots, Debbie, a pretty, bland young woman with headphones
and a clipboard. He sidles over to her.

                    BARRIS
          Hi.

                    DEBBIE
          What?



                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                             19.
CONTINUED:


                      BARRIS
          Hi!

                      DEBBIE
          Oh.

                    BARRIS
          I wrote this song.

                      DEBBIE
          Oh.    Uh-huh.

                    BARRIS
          It's number three on the pop charts.

Barris pulls out music magazine clipping as proof.

                      DEBBIE
          Huh.

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Barris and Debbie are having dinner.

                    BARRIS
          See, I believe there's a great future in
          television.

                      DEBBIE
          Uh-huh.

                    BARRIS
          So I'm going to take my royalties and
          create a pilot. A pilot is what they
          call a test tv show.

                    DEBBIE
          I work in tv.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah. It's gonna be a game show. I
          believe there's a great future in game
          shows.

                    DEBBIE
          That's good.

                    BARRIS
          Everyone loves game shows, right?

                    DEBBIE
          I don't know.


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               20.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Well, they do.

                    DEBBIE
          That's great then.

                    BARRIS
          I'm on my way!

There is a long, awkward silence.    They both saw away at
their steaks.

INT. DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Barris and Debbie are having sex, sort of mechanical.
They're plowing through, kind of like sawing through their
steaks. When it's over, they both just lie there.

INT. DEBBIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Young Barris, in his underwear, sits alone in the semi-
darkness and stares out the window. The front door unlocks
and a woman enters, backlit from the hallway. She turns on
the light. This is Penny Pacino, eighteen, a beatnik in a
black leotard and skirt and black mascara. She has red hair.
She sees Barris on the couch.

                     PENNY
          Hello.

                     BARRIS
          Hi.   Don't be alarmed    I'm with Debbie.

                    PENNY
          Yeah, I figured.

Penny walks past him, drops her keys and bag on the counter,
and enters the kitchenette. Barris watches her ass.

                    PENNY (CONT'D)
          You hungry?

                    BARRIS
          Um, no thanks.

                     PENNY
          Thirsty?

                    BARRIS
          If you have a beer.

Penny returns with two beers, hands one to Barris.      She sits
in a chair across from him. They both drink.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                             21.
CONTINUED:


                   PENNY
         So how was sex with Debbie?   I've always
         wondered.

                   BARRIS
             (a little taken aback)
         It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.

                   PENNY
         No problem. I just got fucked by this
         drummer cat. A really righteous Negro
         hipster.

                    BARRIS
         Huh.   Interesting.

                   PENNY
         See, I believe in the brotherhood of man.
         Last week I got fucked by an Oriental.
             (beat, studies him)
         What are you?

                       BARRIS
         Jew.

                   PENNY
         That's what I thought. I had a Jew, but
         he was Sephardic. You look Ashkenazi
         (pronounced Ashkuh-Natzee), I'm guessing.

                       BARRIS
          Ashkenazi.

                  PENNY
         Right. Ashkenazi... I haven't balled one
         of them.

                   BARRIS
         You're a romantic.

                   PENNY
         Eh, I just don't get into all the
         bullshit between cats and chicks.

                    BARRIS
          I know what you mean.

                    PENNY
              (not hearing him)
          You know what I mean?

                    BARRIS
          I know what you mean.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               22.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    PENNY
          Besides, you fall in love with a cat, you
          only get hurt. Right?

                    BARRIS
          Don't I know it.

                     PENNY
              (beat)
          We could ball if you want.     I seem to
          like you pretty well.

                    BARRIS
          Well, that would be good. But, you know,
          I'm kind of here with Debbie. It doesn't
          seem right.

                     PENNY
          Yeah. That's true. I didn't think of
          that.
               (getting up)
          Well, I'm going to bed. Nice meeting
          you.

Penny shakes his hand and heads off.

                    BARRIS
          What's your name?

                       PENNY
          Penny.

                       BARRIS
          I'm Chuck.

                    PENNY
          Oh, you're the one who wrote that
          Palisades song. I love that song.     It's
          such sentimental bullshit.

Penny exits into her bedroom.   Barris drinks his beer.

INT. BARRIS'S TENEMENT APARTMENT - DAY

Barris and Penny are having sex on the kitchen floor.      It's
quite passionate.

INT. TENEMENT APARTMENT - LATER

Penny is taking a bath in the tub in the kitchen while Barris
broodingly cooks dinner at the stove.



                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                             23.
CONTINUED:


                   PENNY
             (animatedly)
         ... so this ape and I were looking at
         each other. It was, like, across time
         and evolution. Then he began to talk,
         but it was a language I didn't
         understand, maybe Swiss. Then he turned
         into Perry Como, real square and...
         what's wrong with you?

                          BARRIS
          Nothing.

                    PENNY
          Just because we fucked, doesn't mean
          there are strings now. It's okay.

                          BARRIS
             Okay.

                      PENNY
             Okay? I only wanted to tell you my dream
             is all. Nothing more complicated than
             that. Don't panic.

                    BARRIS
          I'm just used to all this dating
          bullshit, y'know. Now we're a couple.
          Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you
          say.

                    PENNY
          Don't worry about it, I'm not into those
          games either. So, anyway, this monkey
          turns into Perry Como and I say --

                          BARRIS
             Holy fuck!

                          PENNY
             What?

                    BARRIS
          Holy holy fuck!
              (runs over, kisses her)
          You just gave me an idea.
              (starts pacing
          For a show! Fuck!

                    PENNY
          A show about monkeys?



                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            24.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
          In a way. About the craziest monkey of
          all: Monkius Humanius! Don't you see?
          About people! About sex. About romance.
          About the bullshit of dating!

INT. LEONARD GOLDBERG'S OFFICE - DAY

Leonard Goldberg, ABC executive, sits behind his desk as
Barris, holding a cardboard model of a game show set,
excitedly paces the room giving a pitch.

                    BARRIS
          I call it The Dating Game, Mr. Goldberg.
          And that's what it's about. A pretty
          girl asks three handsome guys, who she
          can't see, silly questions. And based on
          their answers, she picks one to date.
          And we pay for the date. That's it!
          That's the show! It's got everything!

EXT. ABC BUILDING - DAY

Penny leans on a signpost smoking a cigarette. Barris
emerges from the building with his cardboard set. He looks
grave. He approaches Penny.

                       PENNY
          No?

                    BARRIS
              (lighting up)
          They bought it!

Penny screams, hugs Barris.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          They bought it they bought it they bought
          it...

The two dance around on the street.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          They're giving me seventy-five hundred
          fucking dollars to make a pilot!

                       PENNY
          Oh my God!     Oh my God! We gotta go
          celebrate!     Let's go roller skating!

Penny kisses Barris.



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                                  25.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          I can't, Pen. I got a date.

                       PENNY
          Okay.     That's cool.    Call me after.

                    BARRIS
          Yeha, okay. I will.

Barris walks off.       We stay on Penny smoking her cigarette.

MUSIC IN: DATING GAME THEME

THE DATING GAME PILOT BEING MADE, QUICK SHOTS OF:

BARRIS TENSELY DIRECTING ACTIVITY ON THE SET.

GIGGLY BACHELORETTE ASKING QUESTION.

GAWKY BACHELORS MUGGING.

TOOTHY HOST GUFFAWING.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS (V.O.)
          I figured I was in. All I had to do was
          get the pilot made and I'd be a
          millionaire. Everyone would love me.

MUSIC OUT SUDDENLY.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
              (staring off)
          Was anyone ever so young?

INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - DAY

Barris, 32, lies on his bed on his back and tosses the
football in the air. A very very very old dog lies on the
floor. Phoebe, Barris's 26 year old sister enters.

                         PHOEBE
             Chuck...

                       BARRIS
             Albert's dead.

                       PHOEBE
             Well, he led an amazingly long life.

                       BARRIS
             Still, it's hard to go on.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                          26.
CONTINUED:


                    PHOEBE
          Y'know, you've been staring out this
          window for six months now.

                    BARRIS
          I'm trying to come up with new tv shows,
          if you must know. Okay? That's what I'm
          doing. I believe there's a real future
          in tv.
              (holds up notebook, shakes it)
          Look. Ideas. Okay?

                    PHOEBE
          You're thirty-two years old, and you have
          no career and no prospects.

                    BARRIS
          Thanks for the status report, Phoebe.
          Look, I just gotta come up with the right
          concept. Then, boom.
              (holds up notebook again)
          Which, by the way, I've almost got.

                    PHOEBE
          You're breaking mom's heart.     You know
          that, don't you?

Barris looks out the window at his emaciated mother sitting
in the yard in an old wicker-backed wheelchair and staring
off into space.

                    BARRIS
          Somehow, and don't ask me why, Phoebe, my
          being born broke mom's heart.

Barris watches his mother for a long moment.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Hey Phoebe, you ever see what's-her-name,
          Tuvia, anymore?

                      PHOEBE
          Who?

                     BARRIS
          Tuvia.   Your friend.   Tuvia.   The girl.

                    PHOEBE
          Oh. No. I heard something. I think she
          got divorced recently or something.

                      BARRIS
          Oh, yeah?

                                                             27.



EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY

Barris knocks on the door. There is some movement inside and
a woman answers the door. This is older Tuvia, 20's,
attractive but a little hard-edged now. She balances a baby
on her hip

                       OLDER TUVIA
          Yes?
              (registers)
          Well, if it isn't Strawberry-dick Barris.

                       BARRIS
          Hi, Tuvia.

Barris taken by the changes in Tuvia. The baby and the full,
milk-producing breasts get him excited.

                    OLDER TUVIA
          What do you want?

                    BARRIS
          I came by to apologize.

                       OLDER TUVIA
          Okay then.

She closes the door.    He knocks again.   She opens the door.

                    OLDER TUVIA (CONT'D)
          Well, if it isn't Strawberry-dick Barris.
          Now what do you want?

                    BARRIS
          So I'm back in town. For a while.      I
          thought maybe you and I could --

                    OLDER TUVIA
          Jesus, you've got to be kidding.

Tuvia closes the door. Barris stands there for a moment,
considers knocking again, then turns and leaves.

EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK - NIGHT

We move along a park bench, past several homeless people, one
holding an old doll, others holding other sad items. We come
to Barris. He's wrapped in a horse blanket and holding the
miniature cardboard Dating Game set. An open notebook sits
on his lap. The pages are blank, except for one entry: The
Something Else Game. Barris holds a pen poised to write, but
doesn't.

                                                            28.



INT. BAR - DAY

Barris is drunk and in a fight. He is losing, flailing,
swinging wildly. Jim Byrd, a middle-aged, business man-
looking guy, in tinted glasses and sideburns, watches from
the bar. Eventually Barris and the other brawler get thrown
out of the bar. Byrd takes a sip of his drink.

EXT. BAR - DAY

Barris sits on the curb, nursing his wounds.    Byrd exits the
bar and casually approaches.

                    BYRD
          You're a pretty angry young fella, aren't
          you? Can't fight worth a damn though.

                    BARRIS
          Screw off, fag. Don't think I haven't
          seen you watching me in that bar for a
          week now.

                    BYRD
          Kind of a loner, I'd say. Fairly bright.
          A tad anti-social. Mad at the world.
          Can I buy you lunch?

                    BARRIS
          Look, there's a schoolyard half a block
          down. Why don't you go trolling there?

Barris gets up and starts to walk away.

                    BYRD
          I could teach you at least thirty
          different ways to kill a man with a
          single blow, Mr. Barris.

Barris stops.

                    BYRD (CONT'D)
          Might help you in future bar fights.
          Just a thought.

Barris just stands there.

                    BYRD (CONT'D)
          Oh, and there's money in it.    Good money.

Barris turns.

                                                              29.



INT. DINER - DAY

Barris and Jim Byrd sit in a booth.   Barris is wolfing a
hamburger. Byrd sips coffee.

                    BARRIS
              (mouth full)
          ... and I figure if I can keep afloat
          until I come up with my next game show
          idea, then all will be copacetic.

                    BYRD
          That sounds great, Chuck. Y'know, I've
          never known a television producer before.
          I'm impressed.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, yeah. So what's this money deal
          you were talking about?

                    BYRD
          Well, I work for a government agency, and
          I can always use good, enthusiastic men
          to help me carry out my directives.

                    BARRIS
          What kind of work?   What government
          agency?

                    BYRD
              (matter-of-fact)
          Problem solving work.   For the Office of
          Diplomatic Security.

                    BARRIS
          Office of what? Never heard of it.     Is
          that the fucking CIA or something?

                    BYRD
          Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.

                    BARRIS
              (whispering)
          Jesus, it is the fucking CIA! Hell, I'll
          be a spy! Where do I sign up? Are you
          fucking with me? You're fucking with me,
          aren't you?

                    BYRD
          Hardly. And you wouldn't be with the
          company. You'd be a contract agent.
          Independent. No official tie to any
          agency. Is that understood?

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                              30.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
              (beat)
          Why me?

                    BYRD
          As you know, I've been watching you. For
          years, actually. I've only let you know
          about it for the last week.

Chuck stops chewing.

                       BARRIS
          Jesus.

                    BYRD
          I'm happy to report you fit our profile,
          Mr. Barris. Are you interested in this
          work?

Long pause.

                    BARRIS
          Well, what's the profile?

                    BYRD
          Are you interested in this work, Mr.
          Barris?

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, sure, I wanna be a secret agent.
          Contract agent. Whatever. Get to fuck
          beautiful Eastern European women. Wear a
          trenchcoat. Sounds like a kick.

                    BYRD
          The work we do is very serious. It's
          essential in quelling the rise of
          communism and allowing democracy to gain
          its rightful foothold around the globe.

                      BARRIS
          Sure.    Yeah. Okay.   That's good.

EXT. ABANDONED ARMY BASE - DAY

The place is ramshackle and overgrown.   It looks deserted.    A
barbed-wire fence surrounds it.

INT. BASE REC ROOM - DAY

A severe-looking instructor is teaching a class to an
assembled group of scary-looking men: losers, psychos,
mercenaries, Latin American thugs, and Chuck Barris.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             31.
CONTINUED:


                    INSTRUCTOR #1
          There are several efficient methods of
          killing a man, were you to find yourself
          without a weapon. The edge of your hand
          against the adversary's Adam's apple.
              (demonstrates on mannequin)
          This will crush the windpipe causing
          strangulation and death.

The students take notes.

                    INSTRUCTOR #1 (CONT'D)
          Boxing your adversary's ears with proper
          force will cause his ear drums to burst
          and possibly result in bleeding in the
          brain. And death.

EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

It's dark. Byrd sits on a step, smoking a cigarette.     Barris
approaches.

                    BARRIS
          You're training me to be a killer.

                    BYRD
          See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly
          bright.

                    BARRIS
          I can't kill people.    My future is in
          television.

                    BYRD
          Listen, you're thirty-two years old and
          you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ
          was dead and alive again by thirty-three.
          Better get cracking.

                    BARRIS
          I have ideas for shows.

                    BYRD
          Oh, good. Why don't you spend another
          six months developing 'em while staring
          out the window at mommy's house next to
          poor dead Albert the dog.

                       BARRIS
             How do you know all that?




                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             32.
CONTINUED:


                    BYRD
          I know everything about you, Chuck. For
          fuck's sake, I know which hand you jerk
          off with.

Barris lifts his hands, tries to remember.

                    BYRD (CONT'D)
          Right. Leave in the morning, if you
          want. But I'm here to tell you this is
          honest work for good pay. You'd be
          helping to make the world safer. And
          your country would be grateful.

Byrd rises, stubs out his cigarette in his hand.

                    BYRD (CONT'D)
          It'll toughen you up.

Barris sits there staring into the blackness.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Another big, frightening instructor stands before the class.
Behind him is a full-sized diagram of a man which illustrates
all major arteries and organs. He is demonstrating the
proper way to grip a knife, then using the knife, he points
to various sites on the body.

Angle on Chuck Barris. He has copied the diagram of the man
in his notebook and is writing "Carotoid artery carries blood
to brain. Death in seconds." He then writes: "Game show
idea: Slice of Life. Interesting!!"

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Several canvas dummies are propped up in the field. Barris
and other students slash at the dummies with big knives.

INT. WORKSHOP - DAY

Barris and other students are assembling rifles.

EXT. MUDDY FIELD - NIGHT

Barris and other students crawl on their bellies through mud.

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

The severe instructor, in a lab coat, is mixing chemicals.




                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                          33.
CONTINUED:


                    INSTRUCTOR #1
          Glycerin is, of course, the best-known
          nitrating agent. Now keep in mind,
          nitroglycerin is extremely unstable. A
          slight tap, a one degree change in
          temperature and it'll blow up in your
          hands. Yee-haa, let's mix us up a batch!

Instructor #1 holds up a beaker.

                    INSTRUCTOR #1 (CONT'D)
          Everybody take your 75 ml beaker and fill
          it to the 13 ml level with fuming red
          nitric acid, 98% concentration.

The students nervously pour nitric acid into beakers.

INT. BUNKER - DAY

The severe instructor is demonstrating how to use an army
field telephone to torture a man. A canvas dummy is tied to
a chair as the instructor attaches wires from the telephone
to the dummy's genitals and to his mouth. The students watch
closely, take notes.

EXT. BARRACKS - DAY

The students with suitcases and in traveling clothes are
hugging and saying good-bye. The end of summer camp. A
tearful Barris heads toward one of the waiting buses. Byrd
pulls him aside, discusses something with him.

INT. PLANE - DAY

Byrd and Barris, now dressed in a suit similar to Byrd's, sit
in first class. Byrd stirs his scotch and water with his
finger as he stares at nothing out the window.

EXT. AIRSTRIP, MEXICO CITY    - DAY

SUBTITLE: MEXICO CITY, 1965

A commercial airliner comes in for a landing.

INT. CAFE - DAY

Barris, Byrd, and two sleazy, sweaty men, Benitez and
Brazioni, sit in a booth in the back of the dark cafe.
Benitez opens up his brief case and pulls out a pile of
grainy photos of a man leaving a residence and a street map.
He lays them on the table.



                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                            34.
CONTINUED:


                    BYRD
          Salvador Panagra Renda, gentlemen.

                        BENITEZ
             Si.   In the flesh.

                    BYRD
          What have you got for me, Manny?

                    BENITEZ
              (re: map)
          Renda leaves his apartment every day at
          8:30, alone, walks east two blocks to
          this news kiosk, buys a paper and heads
          south four blocks to the plaza of the
          Museum Nacional to read it.

                    BYRD
          Okay. Chuck, you're here at 8:25. Dress
          like a tourist. Start walking north.
          You should pass Renda here. Stop him and
          ask him in bad Spanish where the museum
          is. Make sure he doesn't understand what
          you're asking.

                        BARRIS
          Okay.

                    BYRD
              (to Brazioni and Benitez)
          You'll be parked here. Brazioni, you're
          behind the wheel. Benitez, you're on the
          street leaning into the car chatting with
          Benitez. When Chuck stops Renda, you
          turn to help with the directions, stick a
          gun into Renda's ribs, and direct him
          into the back seat. Chuck, you get in
          first. Renda's between you and Benitez.
          Brazioni, whaddaya got?

Brazioni opens a case to reveal three Walther P-38 pistols.

                    BYRD (CONT'D)
          Nice. You got suppresers with those, I'm
          assuming.

                    BRAZIONI
          I am not an imbecile.

                    BYRD
              (smiling)
          Glad to hear it.       Wasn't sure.


                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             35.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
              (to Byrd)
          Where are you going to be, Jim?

                    BYRD
          Poolside, Chuck.

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

Brazioni and Benitez are at a table, drunk, sweaty and loud,
flirting with some women. Byrd sits at the bar, sipping a
scotch. Barris enters, spots Byrd, sits down next to him.

                    BYRD
              (not looking up)
          Hola, Chuckito. Que pasa?
                    YOUNG BARRIS
          So what'd this guy Renda do anyway?

                    BYRD
          It's your job to follow directives, not
          question their validity.

                    BARRIS
          It's just...

                    BYRD
          He's a bad guy, Chuck.   He's one of the
          bad guys. Okay?

                    BARRIS
          Bad for the U.S., right, Jim? Not bad in
          an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S.

                    BYRD
          Don't fuckin' dance with me, Barris.
          Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Co.
          He's bad for me personally. You work for
          me, and Renda's bad for me. You're now
          officially a patriotic citizen of the
          United States of Jim Byrd.

                    YOUNG BARRIS
          Look, this is --

Byrd grabs Barris and pulls him over to a dark corner of the
room. No one looks up. He pushes Barris against the wall.

                    BYRD
          There's no backing out now, Chuck. We've
          let you in on everything. So you don't
          play, you don't leave Mexico. Comprende?

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            36.
CONTINUED:


                    YOUNG BARRIS
          I was just --

                    BYRD
              (softening)
          I like you. I really do. And you're
          gonna do fine tomorrow. And we're gonna
          become great friends. And you're gonna
          have a very nice little career. But
          you've got to grow up. There's a war on.

                      YOUNG BARRIS
          What war?

                    BYRD
              (walking away)
          That's not your concern.

INT. MEXICAN HOTEL ROOM   -   NIGHT

It's hot. There are two twin beds in the room. Byrd sleeps
soundly in one. Barris lies in the other, eyes wide open.

EXT. MEXICO CITY STREET - DAY

Renda is buying a newspaper at the kiosk. He completes the
transaction and takes a few steps with his paper. Barris
blocks his way, holding a phrase book and shaking.

                    BARRIS
          Excusa me, por favor, Senor.

Renda stops.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Donde es-bla ra-ba-blala los bloteros?

                    RENDA
          No comprende.

Renda tries to get away from this pesky tourist.   Barris
follows him, calling after him.

                    BARRIS
          Ra-bla-bla-mamos las minjares?

Renda picks up his pace, as does Barris.   Benitez approaches.

                    BENITEZ
          May I be of some assistance here?

Renda appears relieved, until he feels the gun in his back.

                                                            37.



INT. CAR - DAY

Renda's in the back between Barris and Benitez. Brazioni
drives. Renda seems pale and nervous, as does Barris in his
gaudy tourist wear and sunglasses. The car drives slowly
through the crowded Mexico City streets. They arrive at a
jammed intersection and are suddenly confronted with a big
parade. It's Day of the Dead; the streets are filled with
dancing skeletons. It's wild and frightening. Brazioni
glances at Renda in the reaview mirror.

                    BRAZIONI
          Day of the dead.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

The car stops in a deserted field. Barris gets out first.
His shirt is soaked through with sweat. Suddenly there's a
commotion inside the car. Renda has gotten hold of a gun.
He shoots Brazioni and Benitez. Barris panics and dives
behind the car. Renda steps cautiously outside of the car,
looking for Barris. Barris grabs Renda's foot. Renda falls,
the gun flies from his hand. Barris kicks the gun under the
car, his own gun drawn. He points the gun at Renda, who is
on his stomach. Barris doesn't shoot. He's scared, shaking
wildly. Renda looks up at Barris, trying to figure him out.
He slowly rises to his feet, turns to Barris with a pleading
look in his eyes.

                    RENDA
          Por favor. No me mates, senor.   Tengo
          tres bebes.
Barris sucks in a deep gulp of air. His hand shakes.   He
pulls out Spansh-English dictionary.

                     BARRIS
          Again.

                     RENDA
          Que?
                     BARRIS
                   Repitolo.
          Again.

                    RENDA
          No me mates. Tengo tres bebes.
Barris flips through the dictionary. A church bell chimes,
startling Barris. His gun goes off accidentally and the
bullet hits Renda in the face, tearing most of it away.
Renda falls, but is still alive. He screams out of where his
mouth was. A wedding party emerges from the distant church.

                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                             38.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
          Oh Christ.     Oh crap.

Barris tries to stop Renda from screaming by covering the
hole in Renda's face. Barris throws up, some of it landing
on Renda's pants. He wipes his own mouth with his bloody
hand and looks at the still screaming Renda. The churchgoers
are starting to squint in Barris's direction. Barris shoots
Renda again. And again and again and again and again. More
blood spatters Barris's clothing and face. The church bell
continues to chime.

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Barris and Byrd sit side-by-side in first class.    This time
Barris has the window seat and stares out.

                       BYRD
             Beautiful country, isn't it?

                       YOUNG BARRIS
             Yeah.

                       BYRD
             You did us proud, Chuck.

Barris doesn't say anything.

                       BYRD (CONT'D)
             Renda was a bad guy. He really was.

                       BARRIS
             Yeah.

INT. APARTMENT - EVENING

Barris enters carrying an overnight bag and some mail. He
flips on the hall light and stares at himself in a mirror.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
             I had changed. I could see it in my
             eyes. Something dark.

Barris notices a fleck on the side of his nose.    It's dried
blood. He distractedly rubs at it.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Renda's contorted face in close-up as he is shot.   Blood
spurting. Echoey church bells chime.

                       RENDA
             No me mates. Yo tengo tres bebes.

                                                             39.



INT. APARTMENT - EVENING

Barris puts down his bag, pulls the Spanish-English
dictionary from his pocket, and tries to translate what Renda
said. It takes him a while but he does.

                    BARRIS
          "Don't kill me. I am three babies." I
          am three babies? What the fuck does that
          mean?
              (studies dictionary)
          Oh. "I have three babies." Oh, God.

Barris drops to the floor and throws up into a trash can.
Out of the corner of his eye, he catches a movement in the
living room. He lurches backwards, knocks over the can.
Vomit spills onto the carpet.

                    PENNY (O.C.)
              (groggily)
          Chuck, is that you throwing up?

In the dim light from the hallway, Barris spots Penny lying
on the couch. She is dressed as a hippy. A backpack and a
duffel lie on the floor next to her.

                    BARRIS
          Jesus Christ, Penny. You scared the shit
          out of me. What are you doing here?

                    PENNY
          Sorry. I just been crashing here for a
          few days. Waiting for you. Where you
          been, man, where you been?

                     BARRIS
          Mexico.   Just on a little vaca...

                    PENNY
          You drank the water, didn't you?

                     BARRIS
          Yeah.

                    PENNY
          You're not supposed to. Montessori's
          Revenge. You're not even allowed to open
          your mouth or your eyes when you take a
          shower. It's crazy. How come our water
          is so good and their water is poison?
          It's the same ocean.



                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                             40.
CONTINUED:


                     BARRIS
           I don't know.

                     PENNY
           It's weird, huh?
               (beat, then proudly)
           So I'm a hippy now. Look.

Penny stands in the dimness to show off her outfit.

                     PENNY (CONT'D)
           I've been in San Francisco, and it's
           amazing. Everybody loves everybody and
           there's lots of colors. We're gonna
           change the world, Chuck. Come back with
           me and be my old man, okay? Not that
           old! Ha ha ha.

                     BARRIS
           Penny, I'm a little tired now, so...

                      PENNY
           Oh!   You gotta hear this song!

Penny shrieks excitedly as she runs to the record player.
She turns it on, plugs in a strobe light. "Sunshine Superman"
starts up. Penny sings and dances along, directing the
lyrics at Barris. Barris looks around at his strobing
apartment. He sees Penny's mess: pot paraphenalia, anti-war
posters, a gold dove painted on the wall with a phone number
underneath.

                     PENNY (CONT'D)
               (singing)
           "Cause I made my mind up, you're going to
           be mine..."

                     BARRIS
           Penny, what did you do to my wall?

                     PENNY
               (looking)
           Oh, it's a guy who called a couple a days
           ago. Gold-Bird. Isn't it pretty?

                     BARRIS
           Leonard Goldberg?! You're kidding?
               (dials phone anxiously)
           Hello, this is Chuck Barris returning for
           Leonard Goldberg.

Pause.   Barris paces.   Penny sings and dances in background.


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                         41.
CONTINUED: (2)


                       GOLDBERG (PHONE VOICE)
          Hi, Chuck!

                    BARRIS
          Mr. Goldberg! I'm so sorry I didn't get
          back to you right away. I was out of
          town. Vacationing in Mexico.

                    GOLDBERG
          Good for you. Listen, Chuck. We've
          ended up with a damn hole in our daytime
          schedule. I've been reviewing some
          options, and it occurred to me there
          might be a place here for you and your
          baby.

                    BARRIS
          My baby, Mr. Goldberg?

                    GOLDBERG
          The Dating Game.
              (joshingly)
          That is your baby, isn't it, Chuck?

                    BARRIS
          Yes sir, it is.

                    GOLDBERG
          Are you still interested?

                     BARRIS
          Yes sir.   Very interested.    Sir.

                    GOLDBERG
          Good man. We'll need to start airing in
          about six weeks. Is that do-able for you
          and your people?

                       BARRIS
          My people?     Six weeks?   Sure.   Yes sir.

                     GOLDBERG
          Great.   Keep me posted.

Dial tone. Barris sits there, phone in hand, then throws up
again into the trash can. Penny stops dancing, watches.

                    PENNY
          Damn Mexicans and their water.

                                                         42.



INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY

An episode of the show is being taped.   Barris paces
nervously behind the camera.

                    BLONDE BACHELORETTE
          Bachelor number two, what would I like
          most about you?

                    BEANPOLE BACHELOR
          I am very romantic and I would send you
          flowers every day.

The studio audience "awwws."

                    BLONDE BACHELORETTE
          Aww. That's sweet. Bachelor number
          three, what would I like most about you?

                    FRIZZY-HAIRED BACHELOR
          My big cock.

The bachelorette makes a mock-horrified expression as the
studio audience erupts in laughter. Barris buries his face
in his hands.

INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY

A brunette bachelorette asks a question.

                    BRUNETTE BACHELORETTE
          Bachelor number one, what nationality are
          you?

                    HANDSOME BACHELOR
          Well, my father is Welsh and my mother is
          Hungarian, so I guess that makes me Well-
          Hung.

The audience goes wild.   Barris pulls at his hair.

INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY

A black bachelorette asks a question.

                    BLACK BACHELORETTE
          Bachelor number three, I play the
          trombone. If I blew you, what would you
          sound like?

The audience screams with delight.

                                                             43.



INT. BOARD ROOM - DAY

Leonard Goldberg, a bunch of network executives, and Barris
sit around a conference table and watch a tv. On it is The
Dating Game. A black bachelor is responding to the trombone
question.   He simulates the receiving of a blow job, moaning
and writhing in his seat as the studio audience howls.
Barris has his head in his hands. Goldberg signals an
assistant, who switches off the television. The executives
look quite grim.

                     GOLDBERG
          Chuck, quite frankly these episodes are
          unairable.

                    BARRIS
          Look, Len, the show's spontaneous, it's
          unscripted. That's it's charm. I can't
          control what people say.

                    EXECUTIVE
          Be that as it may, Mr. Barris, we can't
          have black men getting blow jobs on
          national television!

                    GOLDBERG
          The point isn't that he's black, Hank.

                     EXECUTIVE
              (beat)
          Well, I know that. That's not what I
          meant.

                    BARRIS
          Look, Len, nobody is indifferent to these
          shows. Right? And that's good. Show
          business must avoid indifference at all
          costs.

                    EXECUTIVE
          Even when taste is involved?

                    BARRIS
          Taste is just a word.

                    EXECUTIVE
          You don't fuck with taste, my friend!

                    BARRIS
              (uncomprehending)
          What does that even mean?   I don't even
          under --


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            44.
CONTINUED:


                    GOLDBERG
          Chuck, we cannot air this stuff. That's
          it. If you can't figure out how to
          retain your spontaneity without the
          contestants being lewd, we're going to
          have to pull the show.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Barris is drunk and brooding. He picks a fight with a big
man who has unintentionally knocked into him at the bar.
Barris is brutal and effective, utilizing the techniques he
learned from one of the scary instructors at training camp.
This gives him an idea.

INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY

The contestants are onstage.   Barris appears, warm and
charming.

                    BARRIS
          Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today,
          I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter
          Jenks of the Federal Communications
          Commission.

The severe training camp instructor joins Barris onstage.

                    INSTRUCTOR #1
              (increasingly psychotic)
          Thank you, Mr. Barris. I don't know if
          any of you are aware of this, but it's a
          federal offense to make licentious
          remarks on a network television
          broadcoast. The penalty for this
          disgusting, un-American behavior is one
          year in prison or a ten thousand dollar
          fine or both. Anyone making a sick,
          subversive remark tonight will be
          arrested immediately. I will then
          personally escort the offender to federal
          prison for booking under edict number 364
          of the Broadcast Act of 1963. And it's a
          long drive to that prison. Just you and
          me. No other witnesses --

                    BARRIS
              (jumping in)
          Any questions?

There are none. The contestants are paralyzed with fear.
Jenks is red-faced, trembling.


                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                           45.
CONTINUED:


                     BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Okay.   Have fun, everybody!'

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

The actual Barris being interviewed.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          Sometimes as a younger man I stretched
          the truth to get what I wanted. "Through
          all the lying days of my youth/I swayed
          my leaves and flowers in the sun;/Now I
          may whither into the truth." Yeats. You
          heard of him?

                     INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
          Yeah.   Of course.

                     ACTUAL BARRIS
          Sure you have.
              (beat)
          Anyway, my little lie worked. We aired
          and become a big hit. A phenomenon,
          really.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE, BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY

SUBTITLE: BARRIS PRODUCTIONS, LOS ANGELES, 1967

This is the sixties and the office is crazily appointed.
Street signs, funny posters, faux Tiffany lamps, mobiles,
lava lamps, an inflatable sex doll, etc. Barris, 36, is
behind his desk, feet up and on the phone. He wears a t-
shirt and jeans and loafers. This is a new Barris, confident
and successful and hip and relaxed and slovenly. Outside in
the bullpen area we hear the hustle and bustle, laughing and
screaming of a busy but casual office.

                    BARRIS
              (into phone)
          Terrific, Rod! Yeah, I'll get back to
          you on Monday. Great. Thanks. Bye.

Barris hangs up the phone. His jovial facade disappears.   He
opens up his ice bucket. It's empty.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
              (yelling)
          Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice! Ice!

Loretta, Barris's pretty young secretary, enters with a new
bucket of ice. She is braless and shoeless.


                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                          46.
CONTINUED:


                    LORETTA
          Jesus, Barris, take a Darvon.

Loretta drops the bucket of ice on his desk. Barris grabs
her arm, pulls her toward him, kisses her on the back of the
neck.

                       BARRIS
          Hey, baby.

Loretta acts annoyed, but it's playful.

                       LORETTA
          Asshole.

                      BARRIS
          I know.    Sit. Talk to me.

Loretta sighs and drops into a bean bag chair. Barris puts
some ice in a glass and pours himself a scotch.

                    LORETTA
          I'm busy. We're in the middle of a
          bachelorette crisis out there.

                    BARRIS
          I just got a call from the network.
          Drink?

                    LORETTA
          You got any weed?

                       BARRIS
          I wish.

                    LORETTA
          Then I'll have a drink.   Bad news?

Barris pours a drink for Loretta. She gets up, takes it off
the desk and falls back down into the bean bag.

                    BARRIS
          The Tammy Grimes Show is being pulled
          from Saturday night.

                     LORETTA
              (mock concern)
          Oh my God!
              (drily)
          So?




                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                             47.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
          They want to put a prime-time version of
          the Dating Game on in its place.

                   LORETTA
          Shit! You're kidding!     That's fucking
          great!

                    BARRIS
          But they say the day-time version's not
          hot enough. They want me to make it more
          exciting for night-time. I got forty-
          eight hours.

                    LORETTA
          What do you have so far?

                    BARRIS
          Nothing. Bupkis. I mean, the show is
          what it is. I don't have a clue. This
          could be my big break, Loretta.

                    LORETTA
          Yeah, I know. Don't blow it.

Loretta smiles at him, downs her drink, gets up and pads out
of the office. Barris watches her ass.

                    BARRIS
          Thank you for your help.

                    LORETTA
              (not looking back)
          Hey, I brought the ice.

She is out the door.   Barris picks up his guitar and noodles
on it.

INT. DATING GAME SET - LATER

Barris paces on the darkened set. He is trying to think. A
shadowy figure appears at the top of the bleachers and creeps
down the aisle. Barris is deep in thought and doesn't hear.
The man appears behind Barris and locks his arm around
Barris's neck. Barris is startled, choking and flailing
trying to remove the arm. He can't. Finally the man
releases Barris and tweaks his crotch. Barris turns wildly
around. It is Jim Byrd.

                    BYRD
          Boy, didn't I teach you anything?



                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            48.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          You son of a bitch!

Barris swings at Byrd.   Byrd easily blocks the punch.

                    BYRD
          You're so rusty, it's embarrassing.

                    BARRIS
          You're a stupid fucking turd, you know
          that?

                    BYRD
          Can I buy you lunch?

INT. MARTONI'S - DAY

Jim is downing his bourbon and signals the waitress for
another. Barris, still pissed, sips a martini.

                    BYRD
          Ah, lighten up, hombre.

                    BARRIS
          My fucking neck hurts.    Okay?

                    BYRD
          Poor baby. Look, I've been put in charge
          of a fairly large wet operation and I
          could use your help.

                    BARRIS
          Have you noticed, Jim, I've got a tv show
          on the air? I don't need to kill people
          for hire anymore.

                    BYRD
          I know you don't need to.    But you'd like
          to.

                    BARRIS
          That's insane.

Byrd shrugs, unconvinced.    He sips his drink.

                    BYRD
          Think of it as a hobby. An avocation.
          Something you do to relax. You can be an
          assassination enthusiast, a murder bug.




                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                                49.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
             I've got important things to think about
             here. I don't have time to fuck around
             with you.

                       BYRD
             Okay, I'll help you out with your little
             show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy
             I am. I've seen this Dating Game of
             yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.

                       BARRIS
             What, now you're a television producer?

                    BYRD
          Hey, I'm CIA operative John Q. Public
          when it comes to tv and that should make
          my opinion of interest to you.

                       BARRIS
             Let's hear it then.

                    BYRD
          Well, what do you have now? The couple
          gets sent to some stupid second-rate
          Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right?
          Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not
          too exciting a prize to us vicarious-
          living boobs out in TV-land.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, what's your point?

                    BYRD
          Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send 'em to
          some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast
          Asia, for example.

                    BARRIS
          The network's not going to let me send
          two unmarried kids on vacation together.

                    BYRD
              (shrugs)
          Send 'em with a chaperone. Some
          respectable old lady with a sewn closed
          snatch.

                    BARRIS
              (considering)
          Y'know, that's not half bad.



                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                              50.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BYRD
          I'm telling ya. And... And sometimes you
          can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say
          we have a job for you in Austria. You, a
          successful tv producer, above suspicion,
          chaperones the young couple, and while
          you're there, blam! you take care of some
          Company business. It's the perfect
          cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative
          by night.

                    BARRIS
          I told you, I don't have to kill people
          for money anymore.

                    BYRD
          Chuck, when I said you fit our profile,
          very little of that had to do with you
          needing the money. Some of it, but very
          little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck.
          I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but
          you botched it. Don't you want to get
          really good at something, Chuck?

Barris stares at Byrd.

INT. BOOTH (DATING GAME SHOW) - DAY

The director calls the shots. Barris stands in the back
watching the show in progress. On the stage is a pretty
blonde bachelorette in a short black dress and three
bachelors. Bachelors two and three are attractive and
stylishly dressed and groomed. Bachelor one is a fat, not-
too-bright looking guy in a yellow-ochre leisure suit. His
slow, unfocused delivery contrasts with the fast, sharp
chatter in the booth.

                    DIRECTOR
              (rapidly)
          Ready one, take one. Ready three, take
          three. Ready one, take one.

                    BLONDE BACHELORETTE
          Number one, can you please tell me what a
          girl is like who hasn't been on a date
          before and how you can tell she hasn't
          been on a date before?

                    DIRECTOR
          Ready two, take two.   This guy has never
          been on a date.

Everyone in the booth laughs.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                               51.
CONTINUED:


                      FAT BACHELOR
            Well...

                      BARRIS
            Jesus, she's gotta pick this guy.   This
            is just too good.

                      FAT BACHELOR
            ... I'll ask her what she likes to do and
            --

                      DIRECTOR
            Ready one, take one.   Ready two, take
            two.

                      FAT BACHELOR
            And if she doesn't know what she likes to
            do --

                      DIRECTOR
            Ready three, take three. The only date
            he's ever had is with his right hand.

Guys in booth laugh, except Barris.

                      FAT BACHELOR
            ... then I'll know she hasn't done it
            yet.

EXT. PICCADILLY CIRCUS - DAY

SUBTITLE:    LONDON, 1967

It's all mod and colorful. Chuck Barris shuffles along,
taking in the sights with the Dating Game couple. The blonde
bachelorette did indeed pick the fat guy. But it's clear she
thinks she made a mistake and pays him no attention
whatsoever, walking about twenty feet in front of him and
Barris. Barris seems bored.

INT. PUB - DAY

Barris enters the pub alone. He's dressed in a blonde wig
and moustache and glasses. It's crowded and he searches the
room for someone. He spots a pretty young woman by herself
at a table. She wears white go-go boots.

                      BARRIS
            Excuse me, is this seat taken?

                      WOMAN
            By you.


                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                                52.
CONTINUED:


Barris sits across from the woman.

                    BARRIS
          London is wonderful this time of year,
          isn't it.

                          WOMAN
          Yes it is.

                     BARRIS
              (beat)
          Oh. Sorry.

Barris gets up, glances around, spots another pretty young
woman in white go-go boots, sitting by herself. He
approaches her.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Excuse me, is this seat taken?

                          PATRICIA
             By you.

Barris sits.

                       BARRIS
             London is wonderful this time of year,
             isn't it?

                       PATRICIA
             Especially the fog. It affords one
             solitude, even in a city full of people.

                          BARRIS
             I'm Chuck.

                       PATRICIA
             Yes, I gathered.

                       BARRIS
             And you are?

                       PATRICIA
                 (smiles)
             Here you go, Chuck.

She hands him a manila envelope, and stands to leave.

                    BARRIS
          At least give me a made-up name.
          Something for me to cry out during those
          dark nights of the soul.


                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                             53.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    PATRICIA
          Cry out, "Olivia!"

                    BARRIS
          That's Twelfth Night.

                     PATRICIA
          Very good, Chuck. I'm pleasantly
          surprised. You're not like the other
          murderers.

She smiles and leaves. Barris watches after her, then opens
the envelope and pulls out a black and white photo of a man.

EXT. WESTMINISTER ABBEY - DAY

It's raining. A bored Barris, dressed normally, waits with
the fat bachelor under an umbrella near the entrance. The
fat bachelor checks his watch.

                    FAT BACHELOR
          I thinks he's really pretty and I want to
          be her boyfriend.

EXT. CHURCH COURTYARD - NIGHT

Barris, in wig and moustache, stands in the middle of the
empty, dark courtyard.

                    ENGLISHMAN
              (loud whisper)
          Here.

Barris approaches.

                    BARRIS
          Do you have it?

                    ENGLISHMAN
          Do you have it?

                       BARRIS
          Sorry.     Yeah.

Barris reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out an
envelope. The Englishman takes it, opens it, pulls out a wad
of cash and counts.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Don't worry, we're not gonna cheat you.

                    ENGLISHMAN
          Just the same.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             54.
CONTINUED:


The Englishman finishes counting the money, pockets it, and
hands Barris a box of Polaroid film.

                       BARRIS
          Thank you.     Oh, one more thing.

Barris pulls out his automatic with attached silencer and
jams it into the Englishman's mouth. The silencer breaks the
man's front teeth. The man makes a muffled grunt.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Sorry about your teeth.

The Englishman's eyes are wide with terror. Barris pulls the
trigger three times. The back of the Englishman's head
explodes. Blood and hair and brain are spattered against the
church wall. The Englishman slumps to the ground. Barris
reaches into the man's jacket, pulls out the envelope of
money, pockets it, and makes his way toward the churchyard
gate. There stands the fat bachelor, watching, confused.
After the initial shock, Barris smiles warmly.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          It's Ronnie, isn't it?

The fat bachelor nods.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          C'mere, Ronnie. I want to show you
          something neat. It's okay.

The fat bachelor enters the courtyard.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          I felt bad about Ronnie. But really I
          did that ugly, fat, stupid kid a favor.
          He was ugly and fat and stupid. More
          life wouldn't have changed that for him.
          No woman would ever have loved him.
          That's just the brutal truth, y'know?

INT. LONDON HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Barris enters the room, shaky and scared.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Barris rips open the Polaroid box, pulls out the foil paper
that protects the film, rips that open and pulls out a small
white plastic vial. Barris greases the vial with Vaseline
and sticks it up his ass.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             55.
CONTINUED:

He looks at himself in the mirror, naked and pathetic. There
is a knock at the door. He stiffens, grabs his gun and pads
out of the bathroom.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Barris peeks out the peephole.   We see a fish-eye view of
Patricia Watson.

                     BARRIS
          Olivia?

                    PATRICIA
          It's Patricia, actually.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER

Barris and Patricia sit sipping champagne.   Both are drunk.

                    PATRICIA
          ... and so then I spent a year in
          Operation Chaos, inside the anti-war
          movement as an agent provocateur, nudging
          it toward violence in order to discred
          it. That was fun. I got to wear granny
          glasses.

                    BARRIS
          Sounds fun. So tell me, Patricia, why'd
          you come up here tonight?

                    PATRICIA
          I don't know. You're sort of cute in a
          homely way. And it's always lonely when
          that civilian you're fucking calls out
          the name off your fake passport.

                    BARRIS
          "All the information I have about myself
          is from forged documents."

                     PATRICIA
          Nabokov.

Barris is thrilled and kisses her. It begins to turn hot and
heavy. Suddenly Barris pulls away.

                    BARRIS
          Actually, I just gotta go into the
          bathroom and take care of something.



                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                              56.
CONTINUED:


                      PATRICIA
          No, baby.    Leave the microfilm in.

EXT. KENNEDY AIRPORT - DAY

A plane lands.

INT. KENNEDY AIRPORT TERMINAL, CUSTOMS - DAY

Barris waits sweatily in line with a small a carry-on
suitcase. When the line moves, he walks as if perhaps he has
something up his ass. A customs agent walks past the line
with a dog. The dog sniffs Barris's ass in passing.

EXT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Barris steps out of the terminal. A black limo pulls up.
The back door opens and Barris gets in.

INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS

Seated in the back are Jim Byrd and Simon Oliver, 50. Oliver
is pure ivy league with a pipe. When he speaks it is with an
affected British accent. Byrd is pissy.

                    BYRD
          Hey, buddy. This is Simon Oliver.

                      BARRIS
          Hey.

                    BYRD
          Everything go okay?    You don't look too
          good.

                    OLIVER
          Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize
          one of my missions by killing a game show
          contestant. Is that understood?

                    BARRIS
          You're welcome, pal.

                    OLIVER
          Do I make myself clear?

                      BARRIS
          Fuck you!    They're my contestants.

                      OLIVER
          Amateur.



                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                            57.
CONTINUED:


                      BARRIS
          Faggot.

                      BYRD
          Chuck --

                    OLIVER
          Lovely. Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in
          possession of my microfilm?

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, I got it.

                    OLIVER
          Let's have it then.

                    BARRIS
          It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you
          reach on up there and get it.

Oliver tamps his pipe.   Byrd stares down at his thumbs.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          I just feel I deserve some appreciation
          for my efforts.

                    OLIVER
          What do you think Patricia Watson was?

Barris looks at Byrd.    Byrd almost imperceptibly shakes his
head "no."

                      BARRIS
          Prick.

INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY

Barris, now in t-shirt and jeans, shuffles through the busy
bullpen area. Employees wave, say "hi", give Barris the
peace sign. He returns the gestures, but halfheartedly. He
seems depressed. Loretta sidles up beside him.

                    LORETTA
          Well, if isn't the hitman.

                    BARRIS
              (turning, wild-eyed)
          What?

                      OFFICE WORKERS
          Hitman!    Hitman! Hitman!   Hitman!



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                               58.
CONTINUED:


                    LORETTA
          I said, well, if it isn't the hitman.
          Just heard through the grapevine that ABC
          is going to pick up The Newlywed Game.

                    BARRIS
          You're kidding me.

                    LORETTA
          Not kidding you. Day-time and prime-
          time.

                    BARRIS
          Oh, fuck, Loretta.     That's sensational!

Barris kisses Loretta.

                      OFFICE WORKERS
          Hitman!    Hitman! Hitman!

Barris joins them chanting "Hitman" and dances around the
office.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          The Newlywed Game was based on my theory
          that almost any American would sell out
          their spouse for a washer-drier or a
          lawnmower you can ride on. Such was my
          respect for that most holy of unions. I
          must've been on to something, because the
          show aired for thirteen years.

EXT. MUSTANG CONVERTIBLE - DAY

Barris speeds through the curvy streets of the Hollywood
Hills. Penny Pacino, dressed as a hippy, sits in the front
passenger seat.

SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD HILLS, 1969

                    PENNY
          Great wheels, man.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, I decided to start treating myself
          right. You spend so much time denying
          yourself things. Life's too short.

                    PENNY
          Yeah, I really gork what you're saying,
          man.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                            59.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          You really grok what I'm saying, man.
          Not gork.

                       PENNY
          Oh.
              (beat)
          Really?

The car screeches to a halt in front of a fancy house with a
"For Sale, Open House" sign out front.

INT. FANCY HOUSE - A FEW MINUTES LATER

The house is empty. Barris and Penny are greeted at the door
by a real estate agent.

                    PENNY
              (looking around)
          Outa sight! Buy this one.

                    REAL ESTATE AGENT
          Hi. Welcome, folks. If you wouldn't
          mind signing-in on our sheet over th --

                    BARRIS
          I'll take it.

                       REAL ESTATE AGENT
          I'm sorry?

                    BARRIS
          I'll take the house.

                       PENNY
          Yay!

Penny happily kisses Barris.

                     REAL ESTATE AGENT
              (beat)
          Very good, sir.

INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Barris and Penny are having sex on the floor.

                    PENNY
          So, man, are you seeing anyone?

                    BARRIS
          Nobody serious. You?


                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             60.
CONTINUED:


                     PENNY
          No.   I think we should get married.

                    BARRIS
          Aw, Pen, don't start --

                    PENNY
          No, listen, it makes sense. You and I
          feel exactly the same about marriage,
          right? How much bullshit it is, right?
          And the odds of us finding someone else
          with the exact same view on it are small.
          So, it makes sense.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Barris, 50, types away. He is sweaty and naked except for a
towel draped over his head.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          I liked Penny. I even loved her in my
          way. But the idea of tying myself down
          for the rest of my life... I remember my
          parents' marriage.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHILDHOOD KITCHEN - NIGHT

Barris, five, sits at the dinner table with his parents. His
father, dressed in a dental smock, stares down at his plate
as he eats. His mother absently chews and stares vacantly
into space.

                    MOTHER
          We need a new ice box.

The father shrugs.

INT. DATING GAME SET - DAY

The set, which holds four couples, divides in the middle to
reveal a new refrigerator.

                    ANNOUNCER
          A brand new Amana refrigerator-freezer
          with automatic ice maker!

One of the couples is cheering and screaming hysterically,
happy and in love and kissing. The other couples look
disappointed and angry at their spouses.

We pull back to reveal we're watching this on a tv in:

                                                              61.



INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - MORNING

The office is filled to capacity with with hippy-like
employees watching The Newlywed Game. Many sit on the floor,
jammed up against each other. A few women are nursing
infants. Someone passes a joint. Barris sits behind his
desk, with a "Make Love Not War" helmet on his head, his feet
up, and a guitar in his lap.

                    BARRIS
          Beautiful. Did you see that? How much
          they loved each other just then? That's
          what it's all about, kiddies.

Everyone agrees.   Someone switches off the tv.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Okay, guys, new business. We're winning
          our slots every week.

Everyone cheers.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          But that means we need you Bandits to get
          on the contestant mill. Our supply of
          dumbfucks is lagging behind our demand
          for dumbfucks. And I'm gonna be
          introducing three new shows in the coming
          months: The Parent Game, The Game Game,
          and the Dollar Ninety-Eight Beauty
          Pageant, so we're gonna really need you
          guys to carry your weight. Nuff said.
          Any other business?

                    EMPLOYEE #1
          Yeah. Rick took four slices of pizza at
          lunch yesterday. Everyone else only got
          two.

                      BARRIS
          Oooh.    Is that true, Rick?    Where are
          you?

                      RICK
          Here.    No, it's not true.

                    BARRIS
          Any other witnesses to this alleged
          infraction?

                      EMPLOYEE #2
          I saw it.    He took four.    I only got one.


                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                          62.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Rick, you're dead meat, buddy.
              (shoots Rick with finger)
          I sentence you to... dance for us in
          today's post-meeting version of "Out of
          Limits" featuring the musical stylings of
          the CBP Stompers.

Everyone cheers.

                       RICK
          Aw, Chuck.

                    BARRIS
          Get up here, you rascule, you.

Rick heads up to Barris's desk. Everyone laughs. A few
employees have joined Barris at his desk with instruments.
They break into a raucous banjo version of "Out of Limits."
Rick dances. Everyone's laughing and clapping.

MONTAGE

As "Out of Limits" continues, now the actual version, we see
montage of Barris shooting, stabbing, and garroting various
foreign-looking people in strange, murky locations intercut
with Barris having sex with Patricia Watson in different
bedrooms and motel rooms, Barris dancing with Patricia in
various exotic locales, and Barris on the set for his many
game shows, happily directing the bustling activity.

INT. RANCH-STYLE LIVING ROOM - DAY

The actual Jim Lange, host of The Dating Game.

                    JIM LANGE
          Sometimes Chuck would just disappear for
          weeks. I remember once we had a conflict
          on the set over the right way to throw
          that kiss at the end of the show,
          y'know...
              (demonstrates kiss)
          ... and Chuck was just not reachable to
          resolve it.

                    INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
          What was the conflict?

                    JIM LANGE
          Look, it's water under the bridge.     I'm
          not gonna talk about it.

                                                          63.



INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The previously bare room is now filled with lovely and
expensive furnishings. But Barris and Penny are again on the
floor, now playing Scrabble by candlelight. Penny lays down
some tiles: I-N-T-E-R-P-E-T

                    BARRIS
          The word's interpret.

                        PENNY
          Interpet.

                        BARRIS
          Interpret.

                    PENNY
          Well, do you have an extra "r" then I
          could borrow?

                    BARRIS
          I'm not going to give you a letter.
          You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a
          turn.

                        PENNY
          Oh.   Okay.

Penny retrieves her letters and studies the board. Barris
empties the wine into Penny's glass. There wasn't much left.

                    BARRIS
          I'll run to the store and get some more.

                        PENNY
          All right.

                    BARRIS
          Don't cheat.

                    PENNY
          You neither.

EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT

Barris pulls up in a Jaguar XKE convertible. A pretty,
innocent-looking young woman, Monica, is emerging with a big
laundry bag from the laundromat next to the liquor store.
She glances, momentarily, at the Jaguar and at Barris.

                                                              64.



INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER

Barris enters with a bottle of wine.   Penny is in the same
position on the floor.

                    PENNY
          Intrepet's a word, right?

                      BARRIS
          Intrepid.

                    PENNY
          Shit fuck piss.
              (concentrating)
          Okay okay okay...

                    BARRIS
          Pen, we should call it a night.     I'm
          kinda tired.

                    PENNY
          You're tired.

                    BARRIS
          I got a date.

                    PENNY
          Since when?

                    BARRIS
          I just met this girl.

                    PENNY
                                Like, just now ?
          You mean just now?

                      BARRIS
          Yeah.    Kinda.

                    PENNY
          Well, that's rude.

                      BARRIS
          Sorry.

                    PENNY
          Yeah, well, see ya...

Penny picks up her bag and exits in a huff.

INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

It's a young woman's apartment, small and girly.    The
doorbell rings.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                            65.
CONTINUED:

Monica, clearly not out of her teens, enters the room and
answers the door. Barris stands there with the bottle of
wine.

                    BARRIS
          Hi!

                    MONICA
          Hi!

                    BARRIS
          Wow, this is a beautiful place you got!

Barris enters, looks around. There's another teenage girl in
pajamas in the kitchenette, mixing tuna salad.

                    ROOMMATE
          Hi.

                    BARRIS
          Hi.

                     MONICA
          Chuck, this is Mindy, one of my
          roommates.

                    BARRIS
          Hi.

                    MONICA
          Have a seat.

Barris sits on the couch. Monica sits next to him. Mindy is
in the background, futzing around in the kitchen area.

                    MONICA (CONT'D)
          So... have you accepted the Lord Jesus
          Christ as your savior, Chuck?

                     BARRIS
              (beat)
          Yes, I have.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER

Barris, Monica, and Mindy sit on the couch watching a
religious show on television.

                                                           66.



EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                     ACTUAL BARRIS
          Yeah, I remember that religious girl,
          sure. Monica Something. Fleming. Oh
          God, she had the softest, fleeciest clam
          I ever experienced. It took a little
          more work than usual, but I got in there,
          baby.
              (smacks lips, then stares off
                into space)
          It was some clam. Oh Lordy. You get
          old, y'know, but the taste for soft clam,
          it just doesn't go away. This is the
          great tragedy of getting old.

INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - DAY

The room is abuzz with activity. Lots of people on the phone
talking. A potential Newlywed Game couple being interviewed.
Monica sits in the waiting area, eavesdrops on the interview
with the Newlywed Couple.

                     WOMAN
          Getting married to Alan is the best thing
          I've ever done. It's just so wonderful
          knowing that you've got someone by your
          side through everything for he rest of
          your life.

The couple kisses.

                       LORETTA
          'kay, Mon.     He's off.

Monica enters the office.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Monica enters.   Barris wears a deerstalker cap.

                    BARRIS
          My sweet little clamato.

Monica leans down and kisses Barris.

                    MONICA
          I'm pregnant.

Barris's eye twitches.




                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                          67.
CONTINUED:


                    MONICA (CONT'D)
              (crying)
          I can't be pregnant, Chuck.

                    BARRIS
          Is it mine?

Monica looks at him incredulously, flings an ashtray at him,
misses. She sits at the desk, looks glumly out the window.

                    MONICA
          I can't believe you asked me that.

                     BARRIS
          I know. I'm sorry.
              (beat)
          But you're sure, right?

                    MONICA
          I hate you so much right now.

                    BARRIS
          Look, we'll take care of it.

                      MONICA
          How?    Are you gonna marry me?

                    BARRIS
              (carefully)
          Well, no. Not at this point.

                    MONICA
          I'm not murdering my baby!
              (weeping)
          I can't... do that. Please...

Barris sighs.    He touches Monica's hand.

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY

Barris and Monica sit in first class. Barris stares out the
window. Monica stares straight ahead.

                    BARRIS
          Beautiful country, isn't it?

EXT. MEXICAN ALLEY - DAY

Barris leads a crying Monica down the garbage-strewn alley.
They find a doorway. Barris opens it.

                    BARRIS
          Here we are.

                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                                 68.
CONTINUED:


                    MONICA
              (collapsing)
          I can't I can't I can't I can't...

Barris supports her and leads her into the office.

                       BARRIS
          It's okay.     It'll be okay.

EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN, UCLA - DAY

Barris and Penny walk sadly through the garden.

                    PENNY
          What a waste.

                    BARRIS
          Tell me about it. I figure over the
          years I must've spent close to twenty
          grand on these abortions: airfare,
          hotels, doctors, gifts.

                    PENNY
          That's not what I meant.

                    BARRIS
          And I don't even know how many of these
          fetuses were mine. That's what really
          kills me.

A SERIES OF SHOTS IN VARIOUS LOCALES OF MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN
WITH PAIN-ETCHED FACES, ADDRESSING THE CAMERA.

                    WOMAN #1
          It was his.

                     WOMAN #2
          Yeah.   It was his.

                    WOMAN #3
          It wasn't his. I lied.

                    WOMAN #4
          Yes, it was his baby.

                       WOMAN #5
          Yeah.

                    WOMAN #6
          The godamn son of a bitch.      He asked you
          to ask me this?



                                                         (CONTINUED)

                                                             69.
CONTINUED:


                    WOMAN #7
          I was screwing a lot of guys at the time.
          It coulda been his.

                    WOMAN #8
          Uh-uh. I just needed someone to pay for
          it. He was a wallet with legs.

                    WOMAN #9
          Yeah, I was just a kid.   It ruined my
          life.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          I don't really want to talk about this.

We hold on a silent Barris.

EXT. SCULPTURE GARDEN - DAY

Barris and Penny walk in silence.

                    PENNY
          So I'm assuming this means Monica is out
          of the picture.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, I got baptized for nothing.

                    PENNY
          Chuck, I was thinking... I have this
          plan now, now that you're free --

                    BARRIS
          God, you look cute today.

                    PENNY
          I always look cute. Don't distract me.
          What was I going to say?

                    BARRIS
          I don't know.

                    PENNY
          You do know.
              (enthusiastically charged)
          Chuck, why don't we get married? We've
          known each other forever. We've fucked
          each other forever. You think I'm cute,
          you just said. You always come to me
          when you're in trouble. And you're
          almost forty, Chuck.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                              70.
CONTINUED:


Barris turns violently toward Penny.

                    BARRIS
              (shouting)
          I know how old I almost am! That's it.
          Don't ever ask me to marry you again!

                    PENNY
              (quietly)
          I won't.

INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Barris and Penny are having sex. It is gentle and quiet.
Penny is crying, trying to conceal it. Barris notices.

                    BARRIS
          I'm sorry I yelled at you today, Pen.

                    PENNY
          I'm not crying because you yelled at me.
          This is it, isn't it? This is us.

Barris studies Penny's face in the dim light.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

The actual Barris puffs on his cigar.

                       ACTUAL BARRIS
             I almost asked Penny to marry me right
             then. But I didn't.

INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Barris sits naked on the bed, swigging from a bottle of
vodka, as a prostitute in a black dress and veil sings "Happy
Birthday" to him. When she's done, she lifts the veil, looks
confused.

                    PROSTITUTE
          Is that right?

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

Barris sits staring out the window. His mood is somber. On
the table beside him are many birthday cards. The anarchic
and youthful decor of the office seems to mock Barris now.
Loretta enters.

                       LORETTA
          Chuck?


                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                           71.
CONTINUED:


No response.

                       LORETTA (CONT'D)
          Chuck?

                      BARRIS
                (not turning)
          Uh.

                    LORETTA
          Rod Flexner's here.

                    BARRIS
          Shit piss fuck, send him in.

Flexner enters.    He's a suit.

                      FLEXNER
          Chuck!    Great to see you.

                    BARRIS
          What's up, Rod?

                    FLEXNER
          Well, the thing is, Chuck, some of your
          shows aren't doing too well in the old
          ratings war. The Family Game, for one.

                       BARRIS
          Okay.

We move into Barris's eyes.

INT. FAMILY GAME SET

The show is in progress. Suddenly shots are fired from
offstage. The host and contestants are slaughtered. It's
bloody and violent.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

We're on Barris's eyes.

                    FLEXNER
          And How's Your Mother-in-Law is, quite
          frankly, in the toilet, Chuck.

INT. HOW'S YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW SET

A mother-in-law is being garotted with piano wire.   Her neck
is sliced. Blood spurts.

                                                             72.



INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

                    FLEXNER
          Now, as you know, Dream Girl is flailing
          terribly.

INT. DREAM GIRL SET

Dream Girls lie bloody and flailing all over the set.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

                    FLEXNER
          And The Game Game has no life in it at
          all.

INT. GAME GAME SET

The contestants on the set are all bloody and dead. An
applause light flashes on and off, but the audience members
are also dead.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

                    FLEXNER
          So I've been put in the unfortunate
          position of having to inform you that the
          network is canceling all four of these
          shows. Now don't shoot me, Chuck, I'm
          just the messenger.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Barris drinks alone.   He's sullen and sauced.

                    BARRIS
              (to bartender)
          They killed my babies. Just like that.
          I pushed them into the world through the
          birth canal of my imagination. Lovingly.
          Tenderly. Where's the humanity of these
          people?

                    BARTENDER
          The fucking bastards.

                    BARRIS
          What am I gonna do now?
              (sees pretty woman)
          Hey there, can I buy you a drink?




                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            73.
CONTINUED:


                    LARGE MAN
          What are you blind, asshole?   This lady's
          with me.

                    BARRIS
              (screaming)
          Fuck you!

The large man stands to face Barris. He is very large.
Barris stands. The man swings at Barris. Barris easily
deflects the punch, grabs the man's forearm and breaks it
with a sickening crack. The man screams. Barris gets him in
a chokehold from behind. The man whimpers and gags.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Let's see, if I remember correctly, the
          next move breaks your neck, which kills
          you instantly or paralyzes you.
          Depending on your luck.

                     LARGE MAN
          Please.

                    BARRIS
              (lets go)
          Get out of here, you pussy faggot piece
          of shit dog-shit shithead.

The large man hurries from the bar. Everyone in the bar,
including the large man's date, watches Barris.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
              (to the woman)
          Hi. I'm Chuck Barris, tv producer.   Have
          you ever done any acting?

INT. BARRIS'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Barris and the woman from the bar are having sex on the
couch. Penny enters.

                    PENNY
          Hey, I was just in the --

Penny sees Barris and the woman.

                    PENNY (CONT'D)
          What is she doing here, man?

                     BARRIS
          She's --



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             74.
CONTINUED:


                    PENNY
          This is our house, man. Our house! It's
          one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy
          needs. But this is our house!

                    BARRIS
          This is not our house, it's my house.

                    PENNY
          It's our house! I found it with you. I
          decorated it for you! I spent six months
          sitting on that fucking couch she's
          fucking you on, fucking waiting for the
          fucking plumbers to come! God, you are
          such an asshole!

Penny throws the house key at Barris. It hits him in the
forehead. Then she turns and storms from the house. Barris
looks over at the woman. She looks confused.

                    WOMAN
          I should go. This doesn't feel right.

The woman stands, grabs her purse, pulls out an 8x10 glossy
of herself and hands it to Barris, then exits. Barris stares
at the photo for a moment, then opens a drawer and puts on
top of a pile of similar photos.

EXT. PENNY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Barris pulls up, gets out of his car, and heads toward the
building.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Barris walks down the hall, carrying a bouquet of flowers.
He arrives at Penny's door. There is an envelope attached to
it with Barris's name on it. He opens the envelope and reads
the letter.

         Dear Chuck,
         I'm dead now. I hope you're happy.
         The door's open.
                            Love always,
                               Penny

Barris hurriedly opens the door, enters the apartment looks
around, finds Penny face down on the floor, surrounded by
empty champagne bottles and vials of pills. He stares at her
body for a moment, feeling faint. He drops to his knees.




                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                                75.
CONTINUED:


                    PENNY
              (face down)
          Wanna see a stupid girl vomit?

INT. DINER - NIGHT

Barris and Penny sit in a booth. Penny has black coffee in
front of her. She is pale and drawn.

                       PENNY
             Why were you with that girl in our living
             room?

                       BARRIS
             It's not our living room, Pen.

                       PENNY
             That's your defense?   You know what it
             feels like to see you with someone else?
             In any living room.

                    BARRIS
          You know who I am, Penny.    I don't force
          you to hang around.

                    PENNY
              (incredulous)
          You don't force me?   Fuck. So you're
          saying you have no interest in this, one
          way or the other?

                    BARRIS
          No, I'm not saying that.

                    PENNY
          Well, then, what are you saying, Chuck?
          Do you want me around or not? Do you
          even like me?

                    BARRIS
          Of course I like you.

                       PENNY
          How much?

                       BARRIS
          What?

                    PENNY
          I need to know how much you like me.




                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                             76.
CONTINUED:


                     BARRIS
              (beat)
          I don't even know what that means, "how
          much?" How can I rate a person in that
          way? That's ridiculous.

                    PENNY
          You could if you felt it. If you felt
          it, it would be easy to rate me. You
          could spread your arms as wide as they
          would go and say, "This much, Penny."

                    BARRIS
          Everything's complicated, Pen.    Nothing's
          black and white like that.

                    PENNY
          Do you want me around or not? If you
          don't, just say so, so I know. Okay?

Barris and Penny look at each other.    She starts to cry.

                    BARRIS
          I love you, Pen, in my way. Maybe not in
          that crazy, head-over-heels thing, but
          what is that, anyway? Romantic love.
          Isn't that just an illusion?

                     PENNY
              (beat)
          But you just said you love me, right?

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

A non-descript American car is parked on the quiet wooded
street. Barris pulls up in his Jaguar. He gets out of the
car, looks in the window of the empty American car.

                    BYRD (O.S.)
          Over here, Strawberry-dick.

Barris looks over and makes out Byrd sitting on a rock with a
view of L.A. spread out in front of him. Barris joins him.

                    BARRIS
          Jesus, how do you know these things?

                    BYRD
          We even know what she actually thought it
          tasted like.




                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             77.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Really? I could never find that out.
          What did she think?

                    BYRD
          It's a "need to know", my friend.   So
          tell me, what can I do you for?

                    BARRIS
          I could really use an assignment, Jim.
          To straighten my head.

                    BYRD
          I got something for your head.

INT. DATING GAME SET

A Dating Game couple waits anxiously for host Jim Lange to
announce their destination.

                    JIM LANGE
          ... and we're the sending the two of you
          for three days and three nights to
          beautiful... West Berlin!

The couple screams excitedly by reflect, but as the
destination sinks in, their perplexity becomes apparent.

EXT. WEST BERLIN STREET - DAY

Barris and the Dating Game couple walk along. It's cold and
gray and they all wear heavy coats. The couple wear cameras
around their necks. Nobody looks happy.

INT. BEER HALL - NIGHT

Barris sits in the corner of this noisy, smoky place. He has
a stein of beer and reads a paper as a group of drunken
Germans in the background sing a song. Patricia Watson
approaches and sits. Barris looks up and smiles.

                       BARRIS
          Treesh.

                    PATRICIA
          Leibchen.
              (kisses him, sits)
          So, here's what we got.   Name's Hans
          Colbert.
              (pulls out photos)
          Other side of the wall.   We don't like
          him very much.


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             78.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
              (singing Toot-toot-tootsie)
          Bye-bye, Colbert, bye-bye.

                    PATRICIA
          You'll work with a kraut named Keeler.
          He's been trailing Colbert for a month
          now. Knows the routine. Keeler's a
          drunk, so you stay sober and take charge.

                    BARRIS
              (collecting photos)
          Done and done. See you after?

                    PATRICIA
          Prove how much you love me, baby.   Kill
          for me. Then I'm all yours.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Barris crawls through a long dirt tunnel. Telephone cables
run along the floor. An occasional bare bulb lights the way.

INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAY

A middle-aged man stands in his underwear at a mirror and
shaves. The stall shower pushes away from the wall revealing
a hole. Barris steps through it, covered in dust. He nods at
the shaving man. He nods back, hands Barris a gun and a
change of clothes, and continues shaving.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER

Barris exits the apartment building in the clean clothes. We
see the East Berlin side of the wall in the background. A
car pulls up and Barris gets in.

INT. CAR, RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY

Barris sits in the parked car with Keeler, a heavyset, silent
German man with nicotine stained fingers and teeth. He is
constantly smoking and writing in a tiny notebook. There is
a long silence.

                    BARRIS
          What you writing, Sig?

                    KEELER
          I am keeping track of all the goings on
          on this street.

Barris looks out the window. There is nothing going on, yet
Keeler keeps writing. More silence.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                            79.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Hey, Keeler, a bird just flew by.

                     KEELER
          Yah.   I know how to do my job.

                                                 DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PARKED CAR - NIGHT

Barris and Keeler are still in the car. Keeler continues to
smoke and write. A well-rested, happy-looking Colbert walks
by with a group of people.

                                                 DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PARKED CAR - AFTERNOON

Barris looks even more sickly. Colbert rides by happily on a
tandem bike with a lovely woman on the back. Keeler
continues to smoke and write.

                                                 DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PARKED CAR - EVENING

Barris and Keeler wait in the car. Colbert emerges from his
house, alone, and walks toward the car. A drained Barris
sighs a sigh of relief, then suddenly and with unexpected
force, Keeler swings open the passenger door. The door hits
a stunned Colbert and sends him flying. Keeler races around
the car, grabs Colbert, throws him into the back seat, and
jumps on top of him. Barris watches, surprised at the
dramatic personality shift in Keeler. Keeler is strangling
Colbert. A cigarettes is dangling casually from his lips as
he does this. Keeler turns Colbert over so he's facing him,
so he can watch him die.

                    KEELER
              (calmly to Barris)
          Under the seat, please.

Barris reaches under the seat, pulls out a Polaroid camera.

                    KEELER (CONT'D)
          Please, if you don't mind, a photograph.
          To remember.

Barris is stunned, scared. He takes the photo. The flash
illuminates the bulging-eyed Colbert and the calm Keeler.

                                                             80.



INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

Barris types.   A knock at the door.   He looks up, panicked.

                     BARRIS
              (falsetto)
          Who is it?

                    HOUSEKEEPER (O.S.)
          Housekeeping, Mr. Barris.

Barris looks around. The place is a disaster. Food
wrappers, crumpled papers, liquor bottles, strewn clothing,
plastic army men set up for battle. He gets up, puts on a
hotel bathrobe and his hat, grabs his gun, checks the
peephole for a long moment, and answers the door. The
housekeeper is plump and kind-looking.

                    BARRIS
          Good morning, Mrs. Reynolds.

                    HOUSEKEEPER
              (looking around)
          Another rough night, huh?

                    BARRIS
              (tapping his head)
          The human psyche is a wondrous thing.

                    HOUSEKEEPER
              (smiling maternally)
          Yes, I know it is.
              (taking gun)
          We don't need this now, do we?    Why don't
          we just put this away?

She puts the gun in a drawer, starts to pick up.   Barris
watches her, then:

                    BARRIS
          Mrs. Reynolds, may I rest my head on your
          bosom for a little while?

                    HOUSEKEEPER
          Oh, that doesn't really seem like a very
          good idea, Mr. Barris.

                    BARRIS
          I'm sorry. You're right. I just... I'm
          just without... comfort of any sort, and
          I... please forgive me.



                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                                81.
CONTINUED:


                    HOUSEKEEPER
              (smiles at him)
          No harm done.

Barris smacks himself in the head.

                    BARRIS
              (bowing)
          Thank you. Thank you.      Thank you.   You
          are a scholar and...

                    HOUSEKEEPER
          It's fine, sir.

                    BARRIS
          Mrs. Reynolds, what do you suppose God
          thinks of someone like me?

                      HOUSEKEEPER
          God?

                      BARRIS
          Yes, God.

                    HOUSEKEEPER
          Well, Mr. Barris, your television shows
          have brought laughter and joy to millions
          of people. That's a very important
          thing, I think, in these difficult times.
          I would imagine God likes you very much.

Barris smiles a rubber-band smile.

                    BARRIS
          Thank you, that's very kind.
              (glances at her ample bosom)
          So... I should get back to...

                    HOUSEKEEPER
          Yes, of course, sir. Don't mind me.

Barris resumes typing.   The housekeeper cleans.

EXT. EAST BERLIN STREET - EARLY MORNING

A hollow-eyed Barris approaches the building that conceals
the tunnel entrance. Suddenly there's a commotion on the
quiet street. The shaving man is being led handcuffed out of
the building by two trench-coated men. They shove him into a
car. Barris continues to walk by, betraying no interest. He
glances casually into the entranceway of the apartment
building. Another trenchcoated man waits inside the shadows.


                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                                      82.
CONTINUED:

The car drives away. Barris stops at the end of the block,
stares at the imposing wall.

                    BARRIS
          I'm really, really fucked.

Another car pulls up next to him. Picard, a        serious-looking
Frenchman, sticks his head out the window.

                         PICARD
          Get in.

                         BARRIS
          What?       Who the hell are you?

                        PICARD
          No time.      Get in or die.

Barris hesitates, gets in.        The car screeches off.

INT. PICARD'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Picard drives fast. Barris eyes him suspiciously, fingers
his gun. Picard spots a Fiat in his rearview mirror.

                    PICARD
          Merde. KGB. They know who you are,
          Monsieur Barris. It is their intention
          to kill you very much in East Berlin.

Barris checks in the passenger side mirror.

                        BARRIS
             Merde!   MERDE!
                    PICARD
          Not to worry, my friend.

Picard speeds up dramatically, but continues to drive calmly.
Barris is agitated.

                    PICARD (CONT'D)
          I am Paul Picard, by the way. Nice to
          meet you. Do not worry, I am not KGB.            I
          do not want to kill you, I want you to
          live a long happy life and have many
          dancing grandchildren to admire.

Picard screeches around a corner, then another one.            He's
lost the Fiat, for the moment.

                                                             83.



EXT. QUIET EAST BERLIN STREET - EARLY MORNING

Picard's car stops at the curb. Picard and Barris emerge.
Picard opens the trunk. He lifts out a big folded-up clump
of rubber with a an engine mounted on it.

                    BARRIS
          What the hell is that?

                    PICARD
          Your ride, Monsieur Barris.

Picard unfolds the rubber mass. He pulls a cord and it
begins to inflate. It is an airplane, a one person
inflatable plane.

                    BARRIS
          No fucking way.

                    PICARD
          It's quite reliable and easy to operate.
          It will get you over the wall. Or you
          can stay here. In the German Democratic
          Republic. I will arrange for you to get
          a good factory job. No, you must fly,
          like Daedalus before you, to the freedom
          of the west.

                     BARRIS
          Christ.   What about you?

                    PICARD
          They do not catch me, monsieur. This is
          my talent, to get away always. In
          guerre. In amour. This is my talent,
          and perhaps this is my curse.

EXT. BERLIN WALL - DAY

The fully-inflated rubber plane flies down the street,
dipping and rising erratically. The noise is deafening.
Barris lies on his stomach and steers, looking petrified.    He
approaches the wall and manages to get the plane over it.
The plane is shot by a soldier. Air hisses out.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

Barris sits on a park bench.   Jim Byrd approaches, sits.

                    BYRD
              (chuckling)
          So, did you have a nice flight?


                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                                84.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
             Fuck you, Jim. It was terrifying.

                       BYRD
             Seems the KGB knew exactly what you were
             up to. You were there to kill Colbert,
             they were there to kill you. I'm
             thinking we got a mole. So much hate in
             the world, Chuck.

                       BARRIS
             Am I in danger still?

                       BYRD
             Jesus, yes. KGB didn't go out of
             business since yesterday, so far as I
             know. You're fucked, Chuck. But our main
             concern should be: if they know who you
             are, they know who I am.

                          BARRIS
             Fuck off.     What do we do?

                       BYRD
             Bow out. Lay low. That's what I'm gonna
             do. You're lucky you have another career
             to immerse yourself in.

INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY

Barris sits with a several network executive and some other
staff members watching a fat man tap dance badly and, because
of his weight, extremely loudly. It's painful for everybody
to watch. The fat man finishes.

                          BARRIS
             Thank you.     Thanks.   That was great.

The fat smiles and exits.       Barris puts his head in his hands.

                       EXECUTIVE WOMAN
             I don't know, Chuck. It's looking bleak.

                       BARRIS
             There's gotta be somebody in America with
             some talent. Ted Mack got bookings every
             week.

The executives look at each other.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
             Bring in the next thing.


                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                               85.
CONTINUED:


An assistant opens the door and a middle-aged woman in pale
blue polyester pants and Joan Crawford painted on eyebrows
enters with a guitar. She begins to sing a folk song, very
sincerely, in a very off-key monotone. It's unbearable and
depressing. Barris glances over at the executive; she's
checking her watch again. The song is endless.    Barris's
eyes grow cloudy.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FIELD - DAY

This is the same field where Renda was shot. Now, the
folksinging woman is in the field singing. Barris pulls out
a gun and aims it at the woman. Her eyes widen in terror,
but she keeps singing. A church bell chimes and Barris
shoots her. She flies back, spurting blood. Her guitar hits
the ground with a twang.

INT. REHEARSAL HALL - DAY

Barris snaps out of his fantasy with renewed energy      The
folksinger is still droning on.

                    BARRIS
              (ushering out)
          Thank you. Thank you. We'll be in
          touch. That was wonderful.

Barris closes the door behind the folksinger and turns to the
executives.

                        BARRIS (CONT'D)
             We've been going about this all wrong.
             Rather than killing ourselves trying to
             find good acts, we just book bad ones and
             kill them.

                    EXECUTIVE #2
          Chuck, it's torture to sit through even
          one of these people --

                    BARRIS
          We kill 'em before they're through. As
          soon as it gets unbearable, we kill 'em.
          Dead.

                       EXECUTIVE WOMAN
             For God's sake, what are you talking
             about?




                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               86.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Celebrity judges ring a bell to end the
          act... to kill 'em. And when you kill
          something, it stops. This I know to be
          true.

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

Barris and some suits watch from the booth as an octogenarian
woman on stage sings "Born Free" in an impossibly high voice.
Jamie Farr gongs the woman. The woman is angry. A vacuous
host with great hair appears next to the woman. He seems
genuinely agitated.

                       HOST
             Why'd you do that, Jamie? This is
             someone's grandmother. She was really
             trying.

                       JAMIE FARR
             This is The Gong Show, not the Van
             Cliburn eliminations.

                       HOST
             This is a human being with aspirations.
                    BARRIS
              (muttering)
          Oh, fuck me. This guy sucks.     He's
          bringing everyone down.

The executives eye each other.

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          None of the hosts are getting it, Chuck.
          But we have a thought.

                         BARRIS
             What?

                         EXECUTIVE WOMAN
             You host.

All the executives smile at Barris.

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN (CONT'D)
          You get it. And we believe your awkward,
          non-professional, mumbling persona is
          exactly right for the show.

                       BARRIS
             I don't want to be on tv.


                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                             87.
CONTINUED:


                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          Listen, we can't sit through anymore of
          these test shows. Do it, Chuck, or we
          advise the network to pull it.

INT. BARRIS PRODUCTIONS - NIGHT

Barris switches on the lights, walks through the empty
bullpen area to his office, unlocks the door, enters.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Barris enters, stares out the window, looks at himself in a
full-length mirror.

                    BARRIS
              (stiff)
          Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Gong
          Show! I'm your host, Chuck Barris!
              (turns away in disgust)
          Ucchhh.

Barris sits behind his desk, draws a line down a piece of
paper and writes "Pros" and "Cons" at the top of the page.
He thinks. Under "Pros" he writes "Become National
Celebrity", "Get More Attention from Stewardesses", "Even
more women will want to have sex with me". Under "Cons" he
writes: "Easier target for KGB." He gets up, paces.
Suddenly, a shot rings out. It comes through the window and
shatters the mirror.   Barris dives to the floor. More
shots, crazy relentless shooting. Barris crawls on his belly
to the window, carefully reaches up and lowers the venetian
blinds just as another shot whizzes through. The blinds
explode. The shooting stops He waits on the floor, shaking
like a leaf. He pulls the list off his desk and writes under
"Pro": "I need another hit before I die."

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

Center-stage is empty.   The band begins to play.   The studio
audience cheers.

                    ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
          And now, here's the host and star of our
          show, Chuck Barris!

The curtain rises. Barris appears in a tuxedo coat, denim
work shirt, cowboy boots and a hat pulled down over his eyes.

                    BARRIS
          Welcome to The Gong Show. Here's an
          esoteric act if there ever was one.
          Ephemeral. It's an ephemeral act.
                    (MORE)
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                              88.
CONTINUED:
                     BARRIS (CONT'D)
           One that should get us our Emmy. Do we
           have an Emmy? We don't? Well this
           should get us one. Anyway, ladies and
           gentlemen... Big Nose!

Big Nose leaps onto stage. He is skinny, wearing a flowered
shirt and a sarong, and playing a toy flute while dancing in
ladies platform shoes. Suddenly he drops his flute, rips off
his sarong, revealing polka-dotted boxer shorts and a yellow
leotard. He rushes to a steamer trunk, opens it, and begins
crazily pulling out endless amounts of old newspapers.

Barris watches from the wings, mesmerized. Big Nose is
gonged. Barris dances out onto stage to join him.

                           BIG NOSE
             Why?   Why?     Why?

                       BARRIS
             I don't know. I don't understand.

Barris glances out into the audience. Something glints. Is
it a gun. He starts to sweat. Jaye P. Morgan is saying
something about Big Nose. But we can't understand it. The
audience laughs. Barris continues to scan the audience.
Someone in headphones signals Barris from behind a camera.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
                 (to Big Nose)
             Well, win a few, lose a few.
                 (to audience)
             We'll be back with more stuff... right
             after this message.

Barris waits on his mark for the taping to again begin. He
watches the commotion around him with eagle eyes: technicians
and stagehands running around, the audience chanting "Chuckie
Baby", the celebrity panel joking with each other, the guys
in the booth smoking, the guys in the band laughing. Barris
turns around and around on his mark, trying to catch every
movement, looking for a gun, a suspicious character. The
chanting continues, louder and more distorted. The faces in
the audience turn grotesque. Barris sweats profusely, his
breathing becomes more and more shallow. Suddenly his eyes
roll back in his head and he drops to the stage floor,
unconscious.

                                                      DISSOLVE TO:

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES BEING SHOWN TO THE CAMERA:

VARIETY:   GONG SHOW EM-BARRIS-MENT OF RICHES

HOLLYWOOD REPORTER:        KING GONG!

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                                 89.
CONTINUED:


L.A. TIMES: BARRIS'S TALENT SHOWS

DAILY NEWS: GONG HO!

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

We see Barris in bed, hooked up to machines The executive
woman sits by his bed showing him the headlines.

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          You can't quit.

                    BARRIS
          I can't quit? But I get panicky, Louise,
          in front of all those people.

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          You lack confidence, that's all.

                    BARRIS
          I lack confidence?

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          But we'll take care of that. We'll get
          you some confidence powder. Leave that
          to us.

                    BARRIS
          Confidence powder?

                    EXECUTIVE WOMAN
          Nose candy, Chuck. Blow. Snow.        Flake.

                    BARRIS
          Blow, snow, flake?

                        EXECUTIVE
          Coke.

                        BARRIS
          Oh.   Coke.     Okay.   Does that work?

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

Barris on stage introducing an act.      He is very confident.

                    BARRIS
          Ladies and gentlemen, oh, this act is
          amazing, your gonna love this act. I'm
          telling ya. All the way from Pacoima...
          David Pincus!



                                                         (CONTINUED)

                                                            90.
CONTINUED:


The curtain rises. A young man with a square of Plexiglass
in his hands, presses his lips against the Plexiglass and
blows. It makes a farting noise and allows to the audience
to see inside his mouth.

INT. WINGS - CONTINUOUS

Barris snorts some cocaine. We hear the act and audience
"booing" and yelling "Gong him!" in the background.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

The actual Jaye P. Morgan is being interviewed.

                    ACTUAL JAYE P. MORGAN
          Chuck was real different on stage and
          off. Very tense. He was always looking
          over his shoulder. Even when we were
          fucking. Sort of an enigma.

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

Barris dances onstage with Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.

INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - DAY

The actual Gene Gene is being interviewed.

                    GENE GENE
          Oh yeah, a real Jekyll and Hyde.
          Sometimes nice as you please. Give you
          the shirt off his back. Other times he'd
          rant like a crazy man. I remember once
          he screamed at me that I didn't know
          anything about dancing. "Nijinsky," he
          yelled, "now there was a dancer!"

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

A black guy with weird teeth and a speech impediment attempts
stand-up. He looks petrified.

                    BLACK COMEDIAN
          Today I had a bad day today...

The audience yells "How bad was it?"   This throws the
performer. Finally he continues.

                    BLACK COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
          It was so bad, my wife didn't even know
          how to cook.
                    (MORE)


                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                             91.
CONTINUED:
                    BLACK COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
          That barracuda took an egg, put it in a
          pot of water, and burned the water. We
          had to rush that to the hospital.

The audience boos.

                    BLACK COMEDIAN (CONT'D)
          My mother-in-law...

The booing continues. The comedian can't take it. He looks
disoriented. He turns away from the audience and puts his
head in his hands. Jamie Farr gongs him.

EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY

The actual Jamie Farr sits next to the pool. In the
background we see a couple of kids with enormous noses
splashing around in the water.

                    JAMIE FARR
          Chuck used to love to discuss philosophy.
          I think he was very saddened that the
          public saw him as this sort of spastic
          moron. I remember at the time I was
          reading Wittgenstein. And Chuck was just
          thrilled to have someone else in addition
          to Rex Reed to talk about that stuff
          with.

INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

Barris lies in bed next to Patricia. It's 12:30 AM. He's
chatting on the phone, lazily twirling the cord. Patricia
reads.

                    BARRIS
          Look, Jamie, you know as well as I that
          language does not exist without an
          outward criteria.

                    JAMIE FARR (TELEPHONE VOICE)
          Certainly.  Wittgenstein said as much in
          Investigations. But if you read Ryle
          carefully --

                    PATRICIA
              (looking at clock)
          Chuck...

                    BARRIS
          Can we pick up tomorrow?




                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                                92.
CONTINUED:


                    JAMIE FARR
          Yeah. But consider my thinking on
          elementary propositions. I'm serious.

                     BARRIS
          Will do.   Love ya.

                    JAMIE FARR
          Right back at ya, amigo.

Barris hangs up. Patricia kisses him.       She pulls away.

                    PATRICIA
          I'm concerned about you. I think you
          need to get back into the life. Our sex
          was always amazing after you killed.
          Truth is you're not that great after your
          discussions with Jamie Farr.

The phone rings.

                       PATRICIA (CONT'D)
          Oh, c'mon.

                    BARRIS
              (picks up)
          Jamie, I can't talk anymore tonight --

                     KEELER (O.S.)
               (telephone voice)
          This is Siegfried Keeler.     I need to see
          you.

Barris jerks up, surprised, alarmed.       Patricia watches him.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Assassins do not fraternize. That Keeler
          was calling me could mean it was my turn
          to get hit.

                    KEELER (O.S.)
              (phone voice)
          I am in town on business, Chuck. And I
          desire nothing more than your company for
          dinner. I consider you one of my closest
          friends.

                    BARRIS
          Sure. Dinner sounds good. There's a
          place called La Scala. See you there at
          eight.

Barris hangs up.

                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                            93.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    PATRICIA
              (eyes closed)
          Dinner sounds good with whom?

                    BARRIS
          Keeler.

Patricia glances over at Barris.   They stare at each other.

EXT. LA SCALA PARKING LOT - EVENING

Barris pulls into the parking lot. As he waits for the valet
parking attendant to get to him, he adjusts the gun strapped
to his ankle.

INT. LA SCALA - EVENING

Barris enters the crowded restaurant, looks around, spots
Keeler sitting at a table in the rear. As he makes his way
back, Barris shakes hands and says hello to several early
seventies tv celebrities scattered throughout the restaurant:
Carrol O'Connor, Joanne Worley, Flip Wilson, Ron Palillo.
Barris arrives at Keeler's table. Keeler rises and embraces
Chuck. He's already drunk. They sit.

                    KEELER
          A very fancy place.

                    BARRIS
          Only the best for my friend.

                    KEELER
          The friendships one develops during
          wartime are remarkably strong.

                    BARRIS
          Yes.

There is an awkward silence.

                    KEELER
          So how is the business of television?

Barris, pleased to have something to talk about, rambles.

                    BARRIS
          Well, it's hit and miss. I've got a new
          show called "Operation Entertainment"
          which I believe is going to kill. It's
          sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops
          thing, but it's weekly and...

Keeler is staring right through Barris.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                            94.
CONTINUED:


                    KEELER
          Why do you do what you do, Chuck?

                    BARRIS
          Well, I like to think that I bring joy
          and laughter to millions of people. I'm
          not saying that my shows are as good as
          they could be. Yet. But --

                    KEELER
          Why do you kill?

Barris looks around, clears his throat.

                       BARRIS
          Oh.

                    KEELER
          During the second world war, I had the
          pleasure of killing. Yes, pleasure. I
          found it exhilirating. Afterwards, I
          could find nothing else to fill me so
          much with life. So I became what I am
          today. I wanted the exhiliration
          again... of death.

The waiter appears.

                    WAITER
          Are you gentlemen ready to order?

                    KEELER
          I'll have the shrimp scampi and a green
          salad.

                    WAITER
          And for you, sir.

                    KEELER
          Um, Just give me a steak.    Rare.

                       WAITER
          Thank you.

The waiter leaves.    Keeler sips his drink, stares at Barris.

                    KEELER
          "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it
          with thy whole might. Work while it is
          called, for the night cometh wherein no
          man can work."



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                              95.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
          That's Carlyle!

                       KEELER
          Yes.

                    BARRIS
          It's amazing you should quote him.   He's
          my hero.

                     KEELER
          I read in a book recently that killing
          your first man is like making love to
          your first woman. Every smell, every
          nuance, you remember with a special
          allure, as if the acts had occured
          outside civilization, outside time. And
          when the allure is gone, you are
          condemned.

                       BARRIS
          Condemned?

                    KEELER
          I am condemned to live the rest of my
          life outside civilization. You will be
          too, my good friend.

Barris looks into Keeler's hollow eyes.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

The actual Barris puffs on his cigar.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          The next day I heard Keeler offed
          himself.

EXT. L.A. HOTEL - NIGHT

Keeler falls silently in slow motion from a very high window.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS (V.O.)
          You never really know in the world of
          espionage if something labeled a suicide
          actually is a suicide. But he was dead.
          That I knew.

INT. MARTONI'S - NIGHT

Barris eats dinner with Penny.   Barris seems depressed.
Penny is reserved.


                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                               96.
CONTINUED:


                   PENNY
         When you called, I wasn't gonna come.

                   BARRIS
         I'm glad you did, Pen.

                   PENNY
         I said to myself, enough.      Enough of this
         jerk already. Enough.

                    BARRIS
          I could see how you would feel that way.

                    PENNY
          But I've come upon something interesting
          through my delvings into human
          psychology. It's called TA, Transactual
          Analysis.

                       BARRIS
             Transactional Analysis.

                   PENNY
         Now see, by correcting me you're
         responding as "Parent" to my "Child."
             (authoritative voice)
         "Here's the proper way to say this word,
         Penny." But that's okay. As long as we
         both understand that's what you're doing.
         Y'know, I'm okay, you're okay. So what's
         wrong, Chuck? Are you okay?

                       BARRIS
             A guy I knew killed himself last night.

                       PENNY
             My God. Everyone you know kills
             themselves. Or tries. Who is it this
             time?

                       BARRIS
             You don't know him.   A stagehand.

                       PENNY
             Why'd he do it?

                       BARRIS
             He didn't like his work anymore.

                        PENNY
             Is being a stagehand really bad or
             something?


                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                        97.
CONTINUED: (2)


                     BARRIS
              (beat)
          Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Patricia storms up to the table.

                    PATRICIA
          You were supposed to meet me at The Palm
          two hours ago.

                    BARRIS
          Oh fuck, I forgot.

                    PENNY
          Who is this?

                    PATRICIA
          I do not get stood up.   Do you
          understand?

                    BARRIS
          Um, Penny, this is Patricia.
              (to Patricia)
          How did you find me?

                    PATRICIA
          Are you serious? That's what I do for a
          living.

                    PENNY
          Who's Patricia? What does she mean,
          that's what she does for a living?

                    PATRICIA
          You're dead in my book, Strawberry-dick.

                    PENNY
          Strawberry dick?   What's that?

                    PATRICIA
          There is no second chance. Get it?
              (to Penny)
          Nice meeting you, Penny. I've heard a
          lot about you.
              (to Barris, walking away)
          Oh, by the by, Byrd's dead.

Patricia exits.   Penny just looks down at the table.

                    PENNY
          And... and okay... I'm only gonna give
          you one more chance, man. That's it.
          Get it?

                                                            98.



INT. BARRIS'S ROLLS ROYCE - NIGHT

Barris snorts some coke, pulls out of the studio parking lot.
The sound of his heart beating pounds in his ears. Another
car pulls behind him. A wired Barris notices the car in his
rearview mirror. He turns. The other car turns also.
Barris speeds up. So does the other car. Barris panics; he
tries to lose the other car. A chase ensues. Finally Barris
screeches to a halt, pulls a gun from his glove compartment.
The second car screeches to a halt behind him. Barris
already out of his car and at the driver's side window of the
second car. He looks in and sees there are two petrified
teenagers, a boy and a girl, holding up their hands. Barris
pulls open the door.

                    BARRIS
              (screaming)
          Who sent you?! Who the fuck sent you?!

                    TEENAGE BOY
          Nobody, man. We just waited for you to
          leave after the show. We just think the
          show is cool. We just think you're cool.

The girl is crying.

                    TEENAGE GIRL
          Please don't kill us.

Barris points the gun at them for a long while, his hands
shaking wildly.

INT. GONG SHOW WINGS - DAY

Barris stands backstage waiting for his cue. The Unknown
Comic appears next to him, wearing a paper bag with two
eyeholes cut out over his head. Barris glances over at him.

                    UNKNOWN COMIC
          Hey, Chuck.

Barris doesn't say anything. He studies the bag. Barris
pulls a pistol from an ankle holster, and jams it against the
bag.

                    BARRIS
          Take it off.

                      UNKNOWN COMIC
          Huh?

                    BARRIS
          The fucking bag. Take it off.

                                                   (CONTINUED)

                                                              99.
CONTINUED:


The Unknown Comic takes the bag off.   He looks terrified.
Barris stares him down.

                    ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
          Ladies and Gentlemen, Chuck Barris!

Barris dances onto the stage.

INT. GONG SHOW SET - CONTINUOUS

Barris is clapping his hands together.   He looks happy and
relaxed. The audience is cheering.

                    BARRIS
          Here he is, the Prince of Puns, the
          Wizard of Whoopee... The Unknown Comic!

The Unknown Comic appears upstage with bag on head.

                    UNKNOWN COMIC
          Chuckie Baby, Chuckie Baby, Chuckie
          Baby...

                     BARRIS
          What?   What do you want?

                    UNKNOWN COMIC
          What's the difference between toilet
          paper and a shower curtain?

                    BARRIS
          I don't know.

                    UNKNOWN COMIC
              (calling off)
          Here's the guy!

The audience laughs. Barris feigns annoyance and pushes the
unknown comic off the stage.

                    BARRIS
          Get out of here.

                    UNKNOWN COMIC
              (for Barris's ears only)
          You're fucking crazy, man.

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - DAY

Barris sits behind his desk, drinking and popping pills.
Loretta pokes her head in.



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                              100.
CONTINUED:


                    LORETTA
          Phone call from someone named Tuvia.

                    BARRIS
          Who?!

                    LORETTA
          Tuvia?

                    BARRIS
          I'll take it! Don't hang up!

Barris picks up the phone.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Hello?

                    TUVIA (O.S.)
          Hello, is this Chuck Barris?

                    BARRIS
          Yes.

                    TUVIA (O.S.)
          Oh, this is Tuvia Feldman.    I don't know
          if you remember me --

                    BARRIS
          Of course I do.

                    TUVIA (O.S.)
          I'm in town and I've been following your
          career and I wondered if you might want
          to get a drink. For old times sake.

INT. CHILDHOOD BEDROOM - DAY

Tuvia plays with the dog.    White panties are revealed.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Sweet Tuvia...

EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY

Adult Tuvia answers the door with her baby.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          Ripe Tuvia.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Barris waits in a booth, anxiously eyeing the door.      A guy
approaches.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                            101.
CONTINUED:


                    GUY
          Hey, Chuck, I got a talent.

                       BARRIS

          Not now.

                    GUY
          Just take a second.

The guy gets down on all fours and starts barking and panting
like a dog. It is a repulsive and frightening sight, but
Barris becomes transfixed by it and cannot take his eyes off
the guy.

                       TUVIA (O.C.)
          Chuck?

Barris tears his eyes away from the dog guy to look at Tuvia.
She is an older middle-aged lady. Younger than Chuck, but
clearly of no interest to him. The disappointment on his
face is palpable.

                    TUVIA (CONT'D)
          It's Tuvia! Remember? Hi!

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
          Old Tuvia.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Hi.

                    TUVIA
          You look great.

                                                    DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BAR - LATER

Barris sits in a booth across from Tuvia. The relationship
has shifted once again. Now middle-aged Tuvia is trying to
flirt. As they talk, she touches his arm repeatedly. She
laughs at everything he says. She reapplies lipstick as they
talk. There's a quiet desperation in her eyes. Barris is
pleasant but unengaged.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
             Ah, Tuvia. The fantasy of Tuvia forever
             cast out by the reality of Tuvia.
             Finally, because of my fame and her
             desperate straits, her poverty and single
             parenthood, she was going to submit to
             me. Finally I could've had her.
                       (MORE)
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             102.
CONTINUED:
                    BARRIS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
          I could've had what had so long eluded
          me. But now she was old and I wasn't
          interested.

INT. TRAIN - NIGHT

Middle-aged Tuvia staring out at the night-time landscape in
the darkened train car, her suitcase on the seat next to her.

INT. BARRIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Barris is having sex with two twenty year old nymphettes     The
drugs and alcohol flow freely. He seems to be enjoying
himself but there is a hollowness in his eyes.

                       BARRIS (V.O.)
             Tuvia was old, but not me.   I was the
             Game Show King.

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

The rabid audience members chant, "Chuckie Baby, Chuckie
Baby, Chuckie Baby..."

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Barris snorts Coke in the darkness.He scans an article
headlined: "Chuck Barris is the Decline of Western
Civilization." The phone rings, alarmingly breaking the
stillness.

                       BARRIS
             What?

                       TELEPHONE VOICE
             Paul Picard is dead.

EXT. EAST BERLIN STREET - EARLY MORNING

Barris looks down from the plane as Picard, on the ground,
runs after it.

                       PICARD
                 (yelling)
             Fly, Daedalus, fly!

INT. BARRIS'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Barris hangs up the phone. He stares off into the distance.
The phone rings again, again shattering the silence.

INT. GONG SHOW SET - DAY

Barris on stage with red stocking hat.

                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                          103.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          This is the moment we've been waiting
          for...

The contestants appear on stage.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          The winner is Miss Tiny Brooks!

A model appears with a trophy and a big check and hands it to
an enormously fat woman. The other contestants appluad. two
midgets dance. The band plays. A massive amount of confetti
and balloons fall on everyone.

INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT

It's the Emmy Awards. Barris is in the audience, next to his
starlet date. He sweats through his tuxedo, fidgets. Ed
Asner and Caroll O'Connor are on stage presenting.

                    ED ASNER
          And the winner is Taxi!

The Taxi theme starts as the winners make their way to the
stage.

                       ED ASNER (CONT'D)
             James L. Brooks, Stan Daniels, and Ed.
             Weinberger, executive producers.

The starlet whispers into Barris's ear, outraged at the
unfairness.

                        STARLET
             I don't see why your shows are never
             nominated.

Barris looks sick.    Jim Brooks is on stage accepting.

                    JAMES L.BROOKS
          And I honor you, members of the academy,
          for recognizing and supporting high
          quality television.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Barris is locked in a stall, vomiting. The door to the
bathroom opens. Someone enters. Barris peeks through the
closed stall door. It's Jim Brooks, whistling and holding
his Emmy. He places it next to the sink, unzips his fly and
pisses. An agitated Barris pulls his gun from his ankle
holster, opens the stall door a crack, and shakily aims the
gun at Brooks' back.

                                                          104.



EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          But as I stood there, I realized, I
          couldn't kill Jim Brooks, the man who was
          responsible for such good stuff: Mary
          Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Cindy, Phyllis,
          episodes of My Friend Tony. I loved
          those shows as much as anybody in
          America.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Barris is crying. He turns the gun away from Brooks, almost
against his will, and sticks it in his own mouth. After a
moment, he realizes he can't do that either.

                    ACTUAL BARRIS (V.O.)
          I couldn't kill either of us, so I let us
          both live. Jim Brooks and me. The rest
          is history.

Barris puts the gun away, flushes the toilet and exits the
stall.

                    BARRIS
          Hey, congratulations, Jim.

Brooks turns and looks at Barris.     He smiles.

                     JAMES L.BROOKS
          Oh, hey!   Thanks...

                    BARRIS
          Chuck Barris. The Gong Show.

                       JAMES L.BROOKS
          Oh, right.     Hey, thanks, Chuck.

                    BARRIS
          Once again you deserve it. Your shows
          are the greatest. You bring so much...
          quality to the medium.
                       JAMES L.BROOKS
          Thank you.     I appreciate that.    I really
          do

They smile and nod at each other awkwardly. Chuck waits for
some sort of return of the compliment. It does not come.
They continue to nod at each other.

                                                            105.



INT. OFFICES OF GRACIE FILMS - DAY

The actual Jim Brooks is being interviewed.

                    ACTUAL JIM BROOKS
          I don't really remember ever meeting
          Chuck Barris.

                    INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
          In the men's room at the Emmys, he says.

Brooks thinks, looks at interviewer.

                    ACTUAL JIM BROOKS
          I'm not saying it didn't happen. I'm
          just, y'know... If he remembers it, I'm
          sure it happened. Really doesn't seem
          like much of an anecdote though.

INT. CHATEAU MARMONT BUNGALOW - NIGHT

A big party is in progress. The place is packed. Late
seventies celebrities abound. Alan Alda is there. Burt
Reynolds, Jamie Farr, Jaye P. Morgan, Gene Gene the Dancing
Machine, Pam Dawber, Farrah Fawcett Majors and Lee Majors,
John Belushi. Chuck Barris steps out of the bathroom, drink
in hand. He wipes his nose like someone who's just snorted
coke. He wanders disconsolately and slightly wild-eyed
through the crowd. He sits in a chair. A man sitting across
from him looks at Barris. His eyes light up.

                    PARTY MAN #1
          Hey, you're Chuck Barris!

                    BARRIS
          Yeah.

                    PARTY MAN #1
          I love your show!

                    BARRIS
              (unenthused)
          Great. I'm just heading --

                    PARTY MAN #1
          I have a talent I think you'd really
          appreciate.

                    BARRIS
          Uh-huh.

Party Man #1 begins farting "Jingle Bells."   Barris   gets up
and moves away.

                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                             106.
CONTINUED:


                       PARTY MAN #1
                 (calling after)
             Hey, didn't you ever hear of Le Petomane?
             He was a star, buddy! These are totally
             smell-free!

Barris settles by the fireplace.      A pretty woman approaches,
smiling.

                       PRETTY WOMAN
             Hi.

                       BARRIS
             Hi.

                       PRETTY WOMAN
             I thought it was you.

                       BARRIS
                 (bowing)
             It's me.

                       PRETTY WOMAN
             I'm glad to meet you because I wanted to
             tell you that I've seen The Gong Show and
             I think you are the most insidious and
             despicable force in entertainment today.

                       BARRIS
             Well --

                       PRETTY WOMAN
             How dare you subject the rest of the
             world to your loathsome view of humanity.

                       BARRIS
             I don't think it's that loathsome.

                       PRETTY WOMAN
             What is it then? To mock some poor,
             lonely people who just crave a little
             attention in their lives. To destroy
             them. So everybody's not brilliantly
             talented. They're still people. They
             deserve respect and compassion. I mean,
             who the hell are you? What the fuck have
             you ever done that elevates you above the
             pathetic masses? Oh, I forgot, you
             created The Dating Game. Wow, right up
             there with the Sistine Chapel. I guess
             that's what gives you the right to...



                                                      (CONTINUED)

                                                           107.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    BARRIS
          Excuse me, I've got to --

Barris loses himself in the crowd.    He hurries past a guy who
recognizes and starts chanting.

                    PARTY MAN #2
          Chuckie Baby! Chuckie Baby!     Chuckie
          Baby!

Barris turns and makes his way through the crowd to the door.

EXT. SUNSET BLVD - NIGHT

Barris makes his way down the crowded street. People stare,
turn their heads to gawk. We hear over and over again: "Hey,
isn't that Chuck Barris?" and "Hey, look, The Gong Show
guy!", and "Chuckie baby, Chuckie baby!" Barris smiles wanly
and nods. People shove paper and pen in his face and he
scribbles autographs without stopping. Sweat forms on his
brow. His polyester shirt is drenched.

                    BARRIS (V.O.)
          She was right. What the hell had I done
          with my life?

Among the fans on the street, Barris spots the fat bachelor
he killed in London. He sports a bullet hole in his head
Barris does a double take.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Wait, you're that guy. You're dead.
          This is screwy.

                    FAT BACHELOR
          I only want to be loved.

                    BARRIS
          That's all I fucking wanted!

Barris hurries away from the fat bachelor. He begins to spot
others converging on him: the corpses of those he killed,
bloody and disfigured. Crazy, angry-looking gonged Gong Show
contestants appear in the crowd with weapons. KGB agents in
trench coats and sunglasses wield guns, Day of the Dead
skeletons dance after him. Barris breaks into a run.
Suddenly confetti and balloons pour down on him out of the
L.A. night sky. Barris dashes across the street, almost
getting hit by a car. He ducks down an alley to catch his
breath. As he leans against the wall and heaves, a middle-
aged woman appears, somewhat backlit by the street light.



                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                           108.
CONTINUED:


                    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
          Mr. Barris?

                       BARRIS
          No, I'm...

                    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
          My name is Louise Wechsler and I'm here
          from Tulsa with my family and...

                    BARRIS
          Please, I'm not feeling well.

                    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
          Just a moment of your time. I love your
          show. And, well, I, sort of, have a
          talent myself.

                    BARRIS
          You can stop by the office to audition
          tomorrow.

The woman continues to approach.

                    MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
          Well, I'm leaving tomorrow and I was just
          wondering. See, I dance a little and I
          was just wondering --

There's no way out of this.     Barris sighs.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah, all right. Go ahead.

Barris turns to face the woman, who's very close now. She
starts to dance around, sort of ballet-like, very badly.
Barris watches. She pirouettes, arms above her head.

                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
          Very nice.

Something in her hand glints in the light. Barris
reflexively grabs her arm. It's an ice pick. The two
wrestle for it. The woman is extremely strong. Barris jams
the palm of his hand up into the woman's nose. She staggers
back, but doesn't drop the ice pick. Barris leaps at her.
The two roll on the ground. The woman pins Barris. She
straddles him and is about to stab him through the air.
Barris reaches under her skirt and grabs her crotch. The
middle-aged woman is a man. He screams in a distinctly male
voice. Barris takes the moment of distraction to grab the
ice pick and jam it up through the assailant's chin and into
his brain. The assailant slumps over.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                           109.
CONTINUED: (2)

Barris pushes the body off himself, kneels beside it, and
pulls off the wig. He gets up, shaking and heaving. He
looks at the body one more time, kicks it in the head with
all his might.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

                    ACTUAL BARRIS
          That was it. I just disappeared. The
          network had to put The Gong Show into
          reruns. It was 1981. I holed myself up
          in this hotel in New York. Parker Hotel.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

SUBTITLE: NEW YORK CITY, SPRING 1982

We see Barris from above, shivering and naked in the corner.
The manuscript pages are piled high next to the typewriter.
Barris looks up at the camera with outstretched arms,
appealing to the gods.

                       BARRIS
          Who Am I?

There is a pounding on the wall from a neighbor.

                       NEIGHBOR (O.S.)
          Who cares?     Shut the fuck up!

There's a knock at the door.    Barris crawls toward it, peeks
through the peephole.

                     BARRIS
          Fuck.   Shit. Piss.

Barris unlocks the door.    Simon Oliver stands there.

                       OLIVER
          Barris.

                    BARRIS
          How'd you know where I was?

                    OLIVER
          Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, don't be an
          orangutan. We always know where you are.
          We always know what you're doing. By the
          by, I'd think twice before I'd attempt to
          get that tripe you're writing published.
          And there's a typo on page --




                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                                110.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          Look, what do you want, Oliver? I don't
          work for you anymore. I have things
          to...

Barris trails off.

                    OLIVER
          I'd like you to come back for one last
          assignment, Chuck.

                       BARRIS
          No.     Now get... Good-bye

                    OLIVER
          I think you might be interested when I
          tell you it's the mole who fingered your
          friends Jim Byrd and Paul Picard... and
          Seigfried Keeler.

                    BARRIS
          Keeler committed suicide.

                    OLIVER
          Yes, of course he did. He threw himself
          from a twentieth floor window after he
          strangled himself to death with an
          electrical cord.

                     BARRIS
              (beat)
          I'm not interested, Oliver.

                       OLIVER
             As long as the mole's alive, you don't
             have a chance in hell of remaining so.
             Besides, killing is in your blood, old
             man. You fit the profile.

Barris lunges at Oliver, pushes him against the wall.

                       BARRIS
             That fucking profile again! What's the
             fuck is it?! What the fuck do you
             bastards know about me, that I don't?!

                        OLIVER
             Indeed.   Where to begin.   First, let go
             of me.

Barris lets go.    Oliver sits in a chair, straightens his
shirt.


                                                         (CONTINUED)

                                                         111.
CONTINUED: (2)


                    OLIVER (CONT'D)
          Let's see. Well, you had a twin sister,
          stillborn, strangled by your umbilical
          cord. Your first hit, Chuck. Your
          mother always wanted a daughter. She
          blamed you for your sister's death. And,
          so, until your sister Phoebe was born,
          she raised you as a girl.

                    BARRIS
          That's not true.

                    OLIVER
          Oh, and your father the dentist? Not
          really your father. Your biological
          father was a man named Edmund James
          Windsor. A serial killer. A fact your
          mother didn't know when she had an affair
          with him in 1930. If you want to look
          him up, he was also known as the
          Tarrytown Troll, because he had been
          described by witnesses as short and ugly.
          Windsor died in the electrical chair at
          Ossining in 1939. We believed your self-
          loathing tendencies coupled with that
          extra Y chromosome and whatever else you
          inherited from your father would serve us
          well.

                    BARRIS
          You're lying.

                    OLIVER
          I'm trying to think what more I can tell
          you. I'm sure there's more. But you have
          me at a disadvantage here, Barris. I
          don't have your files in front of me.

                    BARRIS
          Just leave me the hell alone!

                    OLIVER
          Your mother always loved the game shows,
          and you so wanted to please her. We
          never expected the game show business to
          work out for you. But that it did,
          turned out to be in our favor. I guess
          your need to be a good daughter drove you
          more than we anticipated.




                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                         112.
CONTINUED: (3)


Barris lunges at Oliver. The two wrestle on the floor.
Barris punches him repeatedly in the face.

                                                  DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING

Barris lies sleeping in a tangle of sheets. There's blood on
his hands. A knock at the door. Barris jumps awake, grabs
his gun. He looks around. The room is a mess, stuff knocked
over. There's been a fight. He sees his bloody hands.
Another knock.

                       BARRIS
          Huh?     What?

                      PENNY (O.S.)
          Chuck?    It's Pen.

Barris brings his gun with him to the door, looks through the
peephole, then opens the door. Penny stands there, takes in
the room, the mess, the haggard Barris.

                       PENNY (CONT'D)
          Oh, Chuck.

                    BARRIS
          Jesus, how'd you find me? Am I listed in
          some guidebook or something?

                    PENNY
          You sent me your last letter on hotel
          stationary.

                    BARRIS
          Oh. Well, it's great to see you, Pen.
          You look beautiful.

Barris hugs her.

                    PENNY
          I don't really. But I appreciate the
          lie. I know how you hate lying.
              (looking around)
          Boy, this place is scary looking.

                    BARRIS
          Yeah.
              (taps his head)
          The human psyche.




                                                  (CONTINUED)

                                                               113.
CONTINUED:


                    PENNY
          I came to take you back to California
          with me. It's a lonely state without
          you.

                    BARRIS
          I don't know, Redhead.

                    PENNY
          I can't wait forever for you to ask me to
          marry you, you know. Well, apparently I
          can. But I really don't want to. Chuck.

                       BARRIS
          Pen.

                    PENNY
              (crying)
          I love you so much. You don't
          understand. I don't even know why.
          You're such a schmuck.

                    BARRIS
          You don't know the half of it.

                    PENNY
          You're not gonna marry me, are you?

                    BARRIS
          I don't know if I can.

Penny nods her head and leaves.    Barris watches her go, then
falls to the floor and weeps.

EXT. PLANE - DAY

EXT. UNION OYSTER HOUSE, BOSTON - NIGHT

INT. UNION OYSTER HOUSE, BOSTON

Barris, dressed in a suit, sits with Patricia Watson.     He
smiles across the table at her.

                       PATRICIA
             I can't believe you finally left your two-
             hundred-dollar-a-night cave to see me.
             I'm honored.

                       BARRIS
             Y'know, I got a visit this morning from
             Penny. She's wanted to marry me forever.
             But she doesn't know who I am, what I've,
             what I'm capable of.
                       (MORE)
                                                     (CONTINUED)

                                                               114.
CONTINUED:
                       BARRIS (CONT'D)
             And she can't ever know. So what does
             she really love? A lie. And I started
             thinking, Treesh, you are the only woman
             in the world who truly knows me. I know
             I've screwed you over in the past, and
             I'm really sorry. I just want you to
             know that you're the one I want to be
             with. I love you, Treesh.

Patricia looks at him. Her hard-as-nails demeanor softens.
She smiles. Barris smiles and reaches across the table for
her hand.

EXT. WHARF - NIGHT

Barris and Patricia stand looking out at the harbor.

                       BARRIS
             I hate myself for how I've lived, Treesh.

                        PATRICIA
             Neitzsche said, "Whoever despises oneself
             still respects oneself as one who
             despises."

                       BARRIS
             I never thought of that. Jesus, I can't
             even despise myself with any insight.

                       PATRICIA
             Insane asylums are filled with people who
             think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few
             have delusions of being the guy down the
             block who works at an insurance company.
             Wonder what that means.

                        BARRIS
             Y'know, I wanted to be a writer once. I
             wanted to write something that someday
             some lesser person would quote. But I
             never did. I'm the lesser person,
             Treesh. I never said anything meaningful
             that wasn't said by somebody else first.
             I am disposable. I disposed of people
             and I am disposable.
                 (beat)
             You look cold.

Barris drapes his jacket over Patricia's shoulders.

                       PATRICIA
             Chuck, what's gotten into you? You're
             actually acting like a gentleman.


                                                        (CONTINUED)

                                                              115.
CONTINUED:


Barris kisses her.      She lets him.

                       PATRICIA (CONT'D)
             Well, it's late. I should get going.

                       BARRIS
             I suppose you still won't tell me where
             you're staying.

                        PATRICIA
             No.   But I'll show you.

She takes his hand.      They walk off.

INT. PATRICIA'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Patricia enters followed by Barris.       She turns on the light.

                         PATRICIA
             Drink?

                         BARRIS
             Sure.    Bourbon.

Patricia pours some drinks. There are a couple of chairs
near the window. Barris sits in one.

                       PATRICIA
             I've been thinking a lot about you
             lately, Chuck.

                         BARRIS
             Yeah?

Patricia approaches Barris with the drinks, hands him one.

                       PATRICIA
             I've missed you.

                       BARRIS
             You could've fooled me.

                       PATRICIA
             Well, I've mellowed.

Patricia takes Barris by the hand, leads him to the window.

                       PATRICIA (CONT'D)
             Look. Boston's a beautiful city. We
             could start over here. A normal person's
             life. Together. Selling insurance.



                                                       (CONTINUED)

                                                                116.
CONTINUED:


                    BARRIS
          That sounds right.

Patricia flops down in the chair that Barris had been sitting
in. Barris sits in the chair across from her. Patricia
raises her glass.

                        PATRICIA
          To life.

                        BARRIS
          To life.

Patricia casually slides her hand under the chair cushion.
In one swift move, Barris pulls a gun from his ankle and
shoots Patricia three times, twice in the head, once in the
heart. The force of the bullets has tipped the chair over.
Patricia lies sprawled on the floor.

                    BARRIS (CONT'D)
              (bitterly)
          L'Chaim.

Barris stands and looks at Patricia's body.      She holds a gun.

INT. QUIET CAFE - MORNING

Simon Oliver sits sipping an espresso. He has a black eye
and bruised face. Barris enters, looking haggard. He sits
and stares at Oliver.

                       BARRIS
             It's done and I'm done.   Agreed?

                        OLIVER
             Agreed.   But if you get antsy... and you
             will.

Oliver smiles and walks off. Barris sits for a moment, then
stands, walks over to a payphone and dials.

                       BARRIS
             Hey, Redhead?

INT. CHAPEL - DAY

Barris and Penny are getting married surrounded by friends in
a small chapel.

                       JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
             We have come here today to join together
             Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris.
                       (MORE)

                                                         (CONTINUED)

                                                           117.
CONTINUED:
                    JUSTICE OF THE PEACE (CONT'D)
          You all know Chuck Barris: the creator of
          The Dating Game, The Newlywed Game, The
          Family Game...

Barris looks at Penny. Should he slug this guy?    She gives
him a "be patient" look.

                    JUSTICE OF THE PEACE (CONT'D)
          ... The Game Game, Dream Girl of 1968,
          Operation Entertainment, How's Your
          Mother-in-Law? and many others. Chuck
          Barris who most recently brought us such
          hits as The Rah-Rah Show, Treasure Hunt,
          Leave it to the Women, The Dollar-Ninety-
          Eight Beauty Show, and The Gong Show.
          The Chuck Barris, who I'm sure will be
          back with even more shows to...

EXT. CHAPEL - DAY

Well-wishers, family, fans, photographers, reporters, and
passers-by are lined up on either side of a red carpet that
leads from the chapel to a limousine waiting at the curb.
Barris and Penny emerge from the chapel. Everyone cheers,
photos are snapped, rice and confetti are thrown, as the
happy newlyweds make their way to the limo, Barris spots a
pinky-ringed hand in the crowd holding a gun. Barris pushes
Penny toward the white limo. The driver stands there holding
the door open. Barris shoves Penny in, then screams at the
driver.

                       BARRIS
             Drive, Danny! Now!

Barris jumps in the car, the driver slams the door closed,
hurries around the driver's door and gets in. The car peals
away from the cab.

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

An ashen Barris looks back at the crowd.    Penny watches him.

                       PENNY
             What's going on?

                       BARRIS
                 (still looking out window)
             Pen, I have something to confess.

Penny's expression shifts, turns slightly stony.   She's
getting ready for something bad.

                       PENNY
             Okay.

                                                    (CONTINUED)

                                                          118.
CONTINUED:


                       BARRIS
                 (stalling)
             You know me as the creator of The Dating
             Game, The Newlywed Game, The Family Game,
             The Game Game, How's Your Mother-in-law,
             Dream Girl of 1968...

                       PENNY
             Operation Entertainment.

                       BARRIS
             Yeah, Operation Entertainment. The Rah-
             Rah Show, Gong Show, The Dollar-Ninety-
             Eight Beauty Show, The Ra-Rah Show...

                       PENNY
             You said that already.

                        BARRIS
             Okay.
                 (beat)
             Okay, but what you don't know is that
             I've brutally murdered thirty-three
             people for the CIA.

Penny just stares blankly at Barris, who can't look at her.
Suddenly she starts to laugh. Danny joins in. Eventually so
does Barris.

EXT. TERRACE - DAY

The actual Barris is being interviewed.

                       ACTUAL BARRIS
             Y'know, I came up with a new game show
             idea recently. It's called The Old Game.
             You got three old guys with loaded guns
             on stage They look back at their lives,
             see who they were, what they
             accomplished, how close they came to
             realizing their dreams. The winner is
             the one who doesn't blow his brains out.
             He gets a refrigerator.

The camera holds on Barris's face as he puffs a cigar.

                                                         BLACK.

                             THE END


Confessions of a Dangerous Mind



Writers :   Charlie Kaufman
Genres :   Crime  Drama


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