DOGMA
EXT ASBURY PARK BOARDWALK - DAY
Jersey spring day. Beyond the wooden planks that make up the aged fun pier,
the ocean waves crash into the sandy shoreline.
An OLD MAN stares at the empty beach. Sun-worshipers hours away from
besmirching the dunes. His features are simple. He wears an old overcoat.
His face belies good years gone by - a face that has seen more sunrises
than one would suspect. He inhales the crisp, salty air and lets a small,
satisfied smile cross his face.
Behind him. a large arcade with steel shuttered doors sits on the
boardwalk. Three young boys skate around by on roller blades, passing a
street hockey ball between them proficiently. The Old Man views them
briefly. checks his watch, and looks back toward the ocean.
The skates of the three hockey playing youths skid to a halt. We pan up to
their faces - now cold and dispassionate. They look at one another and nod.
Their skates glide out of frame.
P.O.V. SKATERS - The Old Man leans on the railing that overlooks the beach.
We get closer and closer to him until...
One of the skaters checks him hard into the railing. The Old Man exhales
violently and falls to his knees. The two other skaters begin savagely
beating on him with their hockey sticks, as he crumbles beneath them.
Repeatedly their blades crash down hard on his head.
OC VOICE
I don't understand - how can you base your lack of belief in God on the
writings Lewis Caroll?
The three skaters cease their beating and check the Old Man's pulse.
Satisfied, they skate away, leaving his crumpled form on the boardwalk.
INT AIRPORT - DAY
LOKI walks beside a NUN in a semi-busy terminal. They pass through the
metal detectors. The Nun carries a donation can.
LOKI
Leaving 'Alice in Wonderland' aside, look closely at 'Through the Looking
Glass' - particularly 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' poem: what's the
metaphorical meaning?
NUN
I wasn't aware there was one.
LOKI
Oh, but there is - it colorfully details the sham that is organized
religion. The Walrus - with his girth and good-nature - obviously refers to
either the Buddha, or - with his tusks - the lovable Hindu elephant god,
Lord Ganesha. This takes care of the Eastern religions. The Carpenter is an
obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was purportedly raised the son of a
carpenter. He represents the Western religions. And in the poem. what do
they do? They dupe all the oysters into followmg them. Then. when the
oysters collective guard is down. the Walrus and the Carpenter shuck and
devour the helpless creatures, en masse. I don't know what that says to
you, but to me it says that following faiths based on these mythological
figures insures the destruction of one's inner-being.
BARTLEBY sits amongst a row of seats by one of the arrival gates. He eats
popcorn and stares at...
A steady stream of TRAVELERS, exiting the gate, meeting lovedones, family.
OC LOKI
Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our
actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes
a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "No, no!"
Bartleby smiles at the meet-and-greets, warmed. Loki saddles up beside him,
kneeling on one of the seats, facing the Nun.
LOKI
'Through the Looking Glass' - a children's tale? I think not.
NUN
(really dazed)
I've... I've never really thought about it like that...
(beat; shocked; off her cassock)
What have I been doing with my life...?'.
LOKI
Don't look back. Just get out there and taste life.
(off donation can)
Leave this for the unenlightened. Poverty is for the gullible - it's
another way the church is trying to control you. You take that money you've
been collecting for your parish reconstruction and go get yourself a nice
piece of ass. You deserve it.
The Nun nods at him, and saunters off, obviously grappling with something.
A passerby tries to stick money in her can, but she yanks it away. Loki
faces the proper direction in his seat and plops down beside the
still-transfixed Bartleby.
BARTLEBY
(looking OC)
Here's what I don't get about you: you know for a fact that there is a God.
You've been in his presence, he's talked to you personally. And yet I just
heard you claim to be an atheist.
LOKI
C'mon man - you know I don't believe any of that shit I was telling her. I
just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes. When her head
stops spinning, she'll be facing the way of the Just again. But oh. will
she have a bunch to confess.
(looks around)
Now here's what I don't get about you: why do you feel the need to come
here all the time?
BARTLEBY
(off travelers)
I like to watch. This is humanity at it's best. Look at them.
A reunited FAMILY share a group hug and move on, making way for two young
LOVERS to embrace and kiss passionately.
OC BARTLEBY
All that tension, all that anger and mistrust, forgotten for one perfect
moment when they come off that plane. See those two? The guy doesn't even
know that the girl cheated on him while he was away.
OC LOKI
She did?
Bartleby and Loki continue to watch the arrivals.
BARTLEBY
Uh-huh. Twice. But it doesn't matter at this moment because they're both so
relieved to be with one another. I like that. I just wish they could all
feel that way more offen.
LOKI
Maybe if someone gave them free bags of peanuts more often they would. Now
what was so friggin' important that I had to miss cartoons this morning? If
it was to share in your half-assed obsessions with Hallmark moments, I'm
going to slug you.
BARTLEBY
(still looking OC)
You're never going to believe this: we're going home.
LOKI
(off Bartleby's popcorn)
Let me have some?
BARTLEBY
(pulls out envelope)
Look what somebody sent us in the mail.
(hands him a newspaper article and corn)
LOKI
Did you say we're going home?
(reads)
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon on 'Catholicism - Wow!"
Campaign."
(to Bartleby)
And?
BARTLEBY
Keep reading.
LOKI
(reads)
"Updating the church... television spots... Papal consent...
rededication...
(to Bartleby)
Again - and?
BARTLEBY
(snatches article) Give me this
(getting up; reading)
"The Re-dedication of Saint Michael's Church on it's hundredth anniversary
is the kickoff of a new campaign that seeks to bring the Catholic Church
back into the mainstream. With a papal sanction, the archway entrance to
the centuryold, Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of
pleanry indulgence, which - according to Catholic beliefs - offers all who
pass through it's arches a morally clean slate."
(looks at Loki)
You still don't get it, do you?
LOKI
No, I don't get it. Are we leaving now?
They start walking.
BARTLEBY
If you walk through the church's front door on the day of the Re-dedication
ceremony, your soul is wiped clean of any and all existing sin, moreso than
the sacrament of penance could ever offer. It's a plenary indulgence, man!
I don't know why I never thought of this before.
LOKI
(spits out chewed popcorn into trash can)
Sounds thin. Sounds like someone made it up.
BARTLEBY
It's rarely employed, but it's legitimate. It has a papal sanction for
God's sake.
LOKI
So you're saying you and I can walk through this doorway and go back home?
BARTLEBY
No - by passing through the doors, our sins are
forgiven. Then all we have to do is die...
LOKI
Wait. wait, wait - Die? I don't want to die.
(chews popcorn)
BARTLEBY
(steps on conveyor belt)
You'd rather stay down here for a few more eons?
LOKI
No, but we don't even know if we can die. And what if we can, but this
archway thing doesn't pan out? What then? Hell? Fuck that.
(spits out chewed popcorn into napkin)
BARTLEBY
Impossible. If we cut off our wings and transubstantiate to complete human
form then we become mortal. And if we die with clean souls, there's no way
to keep us out. They have to let us in.
LOKI
(beat)
Who sent this thing?
BARTLEBY
I don't know. Somebody who's looking out for us,
I guess. Does it matter? All that matters is that
after all these years, we've found a loophole. He
can't keep us out anymore. And once we're back
in, I'm sure He'll just forgive and forget.
They pass the Nun. who leans against a wall, still dazed.
LOKI
Yeah, but this plenary' indulgence thing is a church law, not Divine
Mandate. Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
BARTLEBY
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son
of God before He left was "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
LOKI
" ...I'll hold true in Heaven."
BARTLEBY
So if the Pope says it's so, God must adhere. It's dogmatic law.
LOKI
(beat; extends hand)
Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never
yielded positive results.
BARTLEBY
(accepts hand)
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
LOKI
There's just one thing I think I should do before we leave - something
that'Il get us back on His good side.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
Loki smiles and starts rifling through his pockets. He extracts a magazine
article.
LOKI
This is something I've been dreaming about for five years now. Read.
The crumpled article displays a Barney-like gold-hued cow, alongside
various profit charts and text.
OC BARTLEBY
(reading)
"Mooby the Golden Calf- Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity."
Loki wipes his mouth and nods to the article.
LOKI
I want to hit them.
BARTLEBY
Are you nuts?!
(crumples article)
We're mere days away from getting back, and you want to jeopardize it
because you have a soft spot for the good ol' days?!
LOKI
What better way to show I've repented than by resuming the position I
denied... thanks to you.
BARTLEBY
A killing spree is not going to make things better for us.
LOKI
We're not talking about killing here. We're talking about Divine Justice.
We're talking about punishing the wicked, raining down fire and brimstone.
He's all about that. I just know he'd want this done.
BARTLEBY
There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean
anything to you? Besides, what if you're wrong?
LOKI
If I'm wrong, it won't matter. Like you said - we pass through the arch and
we're forgiven anyway
They step up to an elevator and press the button.
BARTLEBY
(considering it)
Well... he does hate competition.
(reading article)
And this Mooby deninitely falls under that heading.
LOKI
The church we have to go to is where?
BARTLEBY
New ]ersey. The Rededication is in four days.
The doors open. They get on. Other people are inside as well.
LOKI
Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can
do the next best thing.
BARTLEBY
What's that?
LOKI
Let's kill people.
A guy beside Loki reacts. Loki smiles at him as the elevator doors close.
OPENING CREDITS
Between black cards with white credits there are shots of the OLD MAN from
the boardwalk being wheeled into a hospital on a gurney, being treated in
the emergeny room, being hooked up to life support system, and finally
resting in an intensive care wing.
EXT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The church sits on a grassy knoll in Mc Henry - a suburb of Chicago. Some
kids tear by on bikes and egg it.
OC PRIEST
The greater Illinois chapter of the Right to Life foundation will be
holding it's bi-annual softball game against the Cook County Pro-Choice
league next Sunday at two.
INT ST. STEPHEN'S PARISH - DAY
The PRIEST speaks from the lectern, addressing semi-filled rows of the
faithful.
PRIEST
Those who find the weekly demonstration outside of
the Twelfth Street Planned Parenthood Clinic hard to make due to work
schedules are urged to show their support in the fight against the
thoughtless and wanton destruction of life by cheering on our boys on the
field. Refreshments. as always, will be served.
Dollying down the rows while the Priest rattles on. we pass the
parishoners. Some listen intently, others are nodding off. One
surreptitiously listens to a Walk-man; a man and a woman quietly argue
while their kid colors in a coloring book, going off the page and marking
the pew; two kids play cards; one guy leafs through a copy of Hustler
hidden by his hymnal book.
OC PRIEST
Today's second collection will be donated to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
For those of you who haven't been following the news, an unidentified
homeless man who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore
last Tuesday lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's
hospitals. He lacks identification and police have had no luck in tracking
down any possible family. While he shows no signs of recovery, the
Arch-Bishop of the Trenton Diocese has disputed the state's decision to
remove the indigent man from life support systems, asking that Catholics
all over the country join in this protest against Euthanasia. And finally -
will whoever keeps parking in my spot, stop doing that. Thank you. Now,
please rise for the recession of faith. We believe in one God, the
father...
As the congregation flatly joins in the prayer, we stop on BETHANY - a
beautiful twenty-something woman who struggles to stay awake. She checks
her watch and exhales softly.
OC VOICE
I don't really want to be here.
ENT PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC - DAY
A small gaggle of signcarrying RIght-to-Lifer's march in front of the
sterile looking building.
OC VOICE
But then again, I guess nobody ever does... except maybe you.
INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
The source of the voice - a GIRL - sits beside Bethany's desk, stretching
out her gum. Bethany offers her an understanding smile.
GIRL
You know, I've done this three times now; and each time the counselor tells
me I should be more careful in the future, I should show' some
responsibility. Gotta tell you, though - this is the first time the
counselor wasn't some ugly as hell old bitch. It's kind of hard to take
abortion advice from a woman who's too gross to get laid in the first
place.
BETHANY
I'm not here to lecture you - I'm here to make sure you really want to go
through with this.
GIRL
I'd rather go back to that night when my idiot bovfriend swore up and down
he was sterile. Short of that, there aren't many choices left, now are
there?
BETHANY
Ever think about having it?
GIRL
(beat)
What woman doesn't on some level.
BETHANY
I never did.
GIRL
(incredulous)
You had an abortion?
BETHANY
(lights a smoke)
My first year in college. All through high school, I'd dated the same guy -
Walter Flanagan. We were really in love, right? So much so. that we decided
to go Carnegie Mellon together... that's this college in Pittsburgh. So
there we are -away at school, and there's suddenly no parents to worry
about anymore, so we're screwing like rabbits - just constanly doing it.
And I wound up getting pregnant. So he begs me to have it. He says we
should quit school and get married, and I'm telling him that that'lI screw
up our educations. We fought about it for a week - my arguement being there
was no rush to have kids, you know? We could always have a baby in a couple
of years - after school. So I got the abortion against his wishes... I
mean, what the hell - it was my body, right? After graduation, we got
married and immediately set about trying to have kids. We tried like hell
for the first six months, and... nothing. So I went to a gynocologist to
see if everything was okay on my end.
(beat)
It wasn't.
(takes a drink)
My uteran wall had this fissure. It seems that the doctor who performed the
procedure on me years before had somehow botched it. I'd never be able to
have a child.
The Girl's face says it all. Bethany takes a drag and continues.
BETHANY
So there I am - devastated. And now I have to go home to break the news to
my husband who years before had begged me to have the baby - his baby. And
after I explain it to him through my tears, he sits on the couch and rubs
his eyes. And in the calmest, most rational voice I've ever heard anybody
use in my life, he asks me for a divorce. And I fought him, you know? I
tried to talk him out of it; told him there were alternatives - like we
could adopt. And all he said was he wanted a wife who could have his
children.
GIRL
(beat)
What happened?
BETHANY
He remarried. He had two kids in two years with his new wife. We never
spoke again. And now I do this.
GIRL
That's like... such a sad story.
BETHANY
I dated this guy a year or two ago - he was really into comic books. He
told me I had the stock superhero story -I wanted to prevent a wrong that
had happened to me from ever happening to anyone else. Kind of like Batman,
he said. The only difference is I don't put on tights to do it... unless
all my other clothes are in the wash.
(smiles and puts out her smoke)
So... let's go over your paperwork.
EXT CLINIC - DAY
A well-dressed LIZ maneuvers through the small thrall of Right-to-lifer's.
They shake their placards at her accusingly.
PROTESTOR 1
You should be ashamed of yourself!
PROTESTOR 2
Child killer!
LIZ
(looking over their shoulders)
HOLY SHIT!! IT'S THE POPE!!
As the thrall turns excitedly in an effort try to spy the imaginary
pontiff, Liz ducks inside the clinic.
INT CLINIC COFFEE ROOM - DAY
A NEWSPAPER HEADLINE fills the frame - "CHURCH SAYS NO TO DEATH OF JOHN
DOE". It's lowered to reveal Bethany, reading. Liz enters and hangs up her
coat.
LIZ
Jesus! You're a Catholic, aren't you? Can't you talk
to them or something?
BETHANY
They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse - you're
]ewish,
you don't know any better.
LIZ
I don't think they'd accept that one - we already used it as our excuse for
killing Christ. So where were you yesterday morning - a bunch of us went
out for brunch?
BETHANY
I went to church.
LIZ
That kills me. You and church. We work in a field that specializes in
pissing off the cloth and you add insult to injury by breaking bread with
them every week.
BETHANY
I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing. I can remember sitting in
church when I was a kid and being moved - like everything meant something,
like I was important. And the stories of all these holy people were so
inspiring. Now I sit there and think about my checking, and what I'm going
to wear to work the next day.
LIZ
So then why do you still go?
BETHANY
(beat)
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
LIZ
You think I'm going to mock your religious beliefs? We're friends, Bethany
- I may mock you for being a divorce' at twenty five who's never had an
orgasm, but I'd never mock you for having faith.
BETHANY
That's just it - I don't. I don't think I have any faith left.
LIZ
(making coffee)
I had a girl in here once - 'bout fifteen. She told me that faith is like a
glass of water. When you're young, the glass is full, and it's easy to fill
up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount
of water doesn't fill the glass anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be
refilled.
BETHANY
A fifteen year old who came in here said that?
LIZ
She had gotten knocked up by her pastor.
BETHANY
Jesus! See? A minister knocks up a teenager -isn't anyone afraid of the
Lord's wrath anymore?
LIZ
That would require faith, and that commodity lately seems reserved only for
the psychotic zealots that hang around outside.
(collects her things to leave)
So what are you doing tonight?
BETHANY
Watching T.V.
LIZ
Girl, you need a man. If only for ten minutes.
BETHANY
It's been my experience that the average male is never a man - not even for
ten minutes in his entire life span.
LIZ
Uh-oh - that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
BETHANY
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
LIZ
Then girl, you better get back to church and ask God for a third option.
BETHANY
I think God is dead.
LIZ
The sign of a true Catholic.
Liz exits with her coffee. Bethany stares after her.
INT A QUAINT SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
The Stygian Triplets kneel on one knee before a high-backed leather chair,
upon which Sits a shadowy figure who we see from behind. They appear to be
in a den or library.
SHADOWY FIGURE
All proceeds according to plan. No doubt, the powers will attempt to
contact the Last Scion. You know where she is. She must be elliminated
befoie she enters the frav. When she is negated, there will be nothing to
interfere with our plan. Shuffle her loose her mortal coil, that we may
obtain our final glory.
(beat)
Go.
The Stygian Triplets rise and skate off.
INT BETHANY'S KITCHIEN - NIGHT
The fridge door opens and Bethany glances around inside. She pulls out a
chocolate cake and closes the door.
INT BETHANY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bethany sits on the couch, eating cake with a fork and watching the OC t.v.
The theme song to Filmation's 'Batman and Robin' cartoon can be heard. She
sips some milk from a glass and has some more cake.
INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany's in bed, staring up at the ceiling. From the darkness, a creaking
floor board is heard. Bethany reacts, grabbing a bat from under her pillow.
She peers into the darkness, defensively wielding her bat.
Suddenly, the room explodes in flames. A huge fire that appears to be
shooting out from the floor ignites mere feet from Bethany's bed. Bethany
leaps back, taking a beat to stare, mesmerized. Looking closely, one can
see an anthropomorphic form standing in the blaze.
VOICE
(powerful; booming)
BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND
VOICEOF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
The Voice repeats itself. Bethany darts out of bed and dashes out of the
room, quickly returning with a fire extinguisher. While the voice is in
mid-sentence, she blasts the thing with the contents of the canister,
swirling the nozzle around to hit all the flames. The booming Voice
sputters and starts coughing, losing it's impressive edge. Bethany stops
squirting and turns on her bedside lamp.
A choking, drenched, and coughing androgynous figure in a suit waves her
away. The figure coughs up some of the extinguisher's contents and drops to
the floor, hacking. It is METATRON. Bethany stares, shocked.
METATRON
(between coughs)
Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?!
Bethany grabs her bat again and holds it up, this time offensively.
BETHANY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?!
METATRON
(slowly rising to it's feet)
I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!
BETHANY
(reaching for phone, still holding bat)
I'm calling the cops! Breaking and entering, attempted arson... they're
going to lock you up for life...!
M ETATRON
(wiping off clothes)
No dial tone.
BETHANY
(ear to phone)
You cut the phone lines...
(even more offensive with bat)
Get the fuck out of here, now!
METATRON
Or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
The bat Bethany held is now a salmon. She drops it to the floor and freaks.
METATRON
Now just sit down on the bed and shut up!
BETHANY
Oh God - you're going to rape me...
METATRON
I'm not going to rape you.
(to itself; off clothes)
Look at my suit...!
BETHANY
Take whatever you want, just don't kill or rape me...
METATRON
Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to.
(unzips pants and pulls them off)
Angels are ill-equipped.
Bethany stares. There, before her, stands the exposed Metatron. There is
nothing where some sexual genitalia should be - it's as smooth and
anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
METATRON
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.
(rings out pants)
You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to
rape you.
BETHANY
Wh..what are you?
METATRON
I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into
your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid.
(pulls pants back on)
Go get me a towel, will you?
Bethany blinks. She exits the room and comes back with a towel. She holds
it out to Metatron who grabs it and starts toweling off.
METATRON
(taking off jacket)
Stand back.
Bethany steps back. Metatron flexes and huge fucking wings extend from it's
back, dripping water. Bethany goes wide-eyed and cowers against the wall.
METATRON
(tosses towel away)
Like I was saying - I am the Metatron.
Bethany stares, saying nothing, pinned against the wall. Metatron looks
insulted.
METATRON
Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
Bethany remains silent and wideyed. Metatron gets testy.
METATRON
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right?
(beat)
I am a seraphim.
(beat)
The highest choir of angels?
(beat)
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
Bethany slowly nods.
METATRON
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo
claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking
to themselves.
BET HANY
(beat)
Why doesn't God speak for himself?
METATRON
Ah. So glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that - human
beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand
the awesome
power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in
and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's
before we figured that out.
BETHANY
Are you going to kill me?
Ni ETATRON
I could for what you did to this suit. Unfortunately I can't. You're
called.
BETH ANY
(beat)
Called how? How called?
METATRON
All that from two words. Color this angel impressed.
BETHANY
(beat)
How do I know you're an angel?
METATRON
Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You
people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila?
(snaps fingers)
INT MEXICAN BAR - NIGHT
Bethany and Metatron sit at a table. Bethany immediately clutches at her
pajamas. Metatron waves a WAITER over.
BETHANY
Where the hell are we?!
METATRON
The only place one can go for good tequila.
(to Waiter)
Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass.
WAITER
Si.
The Waiter turns to leave. Metatron yanks a smoke from his pocket as he
goes.
METATRON
Gracias, senor.
BETHANY
We're in Mexico?!
METATRON
Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was
still an impressive trick
(lights smoke)
You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our
profile low.
BETHANY
I suppose it would be too cliche to observe aloud that this is the weirdest
dream I've ever had.
METATRON
Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them
insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.
BETHANY
What do you want with me?
METATRON
I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
(pause)
You do know what a crusade is, don't you?
BETHANY
(sarcastically)
Uh, yeah.
METATRON
Don't give me that. Last time I charged someone with a crusade they had to
look the word up.
BETHANY
Why am I supposed to go on a crusade?
METATRON
Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately.
The Waiter arrives with their drinks.
METATRON
Oh - Gracias!
(he leaves; off the tequila)
One of the only things your people have mastered since you crawled from the
primordial ooze.
(sips)
BETHANY
I work in an abortion clinic.
METATRON
(spits tequila into empty glass)
Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you
to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
BETH ANY
New ]ersey.
METATRON
Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit and small church on a very important day.
Agreed?
BETHANY
That doesn't sound like a crusade.
METATRON
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
BETHANY
What's the fine print?
METATRON
(mumbles into glass)
stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Damn, this is good tequila.
(sips)
BETHANY
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
METATRON
Damn, this is good tequila?
BETHANY
The first part.
METATRON
(spits into empty glass)
Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all
existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
BETHANY
Clarify that.
METATRON
That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No
leaps of faith whatsoever. Alright -vou want the whole secret origin? Here
goes: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his
wrath was bore by the Angel of Death - name of Loki. When Sodom and
Gommorah were destroyed? That was Loki. When the waters wiped out
everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie? That was Loki. And
he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any
longer.
BETHANY
Why?
METATRON
Because he listened to his friend - a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
BETHANY
Grigori?
METATRON
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers. Guess what they do?
BETHANY
So they're like Guardian angels?
METATRON
Exactly like that, but different. So one day, Loki's wiping out all the
first born of Egypt...
BETHANY
The Tenth Plague.
METATRON
See? Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankiy;
mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and they're suddenly
theology scholars. May I continue uninterrupted?
(Bethany nods)
So once he's done with the first born, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this
discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. Now,
Bartleby can run circles around Loki intellectually, not to mention the
fact that Loki's more than half in the bag, and in the end, Bartleby
convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one - one that
doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits:
throws down his fiery sword, gives him the finger - which ruins it for the
rest of us. because from that day forward, God decreed that angels could no
longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.
BETHANY
Sounds reasonable.
METATRON
Maybe to you, but I'm a lush by nature.
BETHANY
I mean about the angel of Death's resignation.
METATRON
For a liberal, yes, but this is the Angel of Death we're talking about. The
Angel of Death can't be a conscientious objector. The Angel of Death is
charged with meting out whatever justice God demands. So for their
insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed
back into Paradise.
BETHANY
Were they sent to Hell?
METATRON
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world
ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
BETHANY
And what's this have to do with me?
METATRON
Somebody's clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow
them to reenter Heaven.
BETHANY
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
METATRON
It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree.
Now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's
form and splendor functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To
prove God wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become
down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In
essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the
world.
BETHANY
Are these guys that bitter?
METATRON
No, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions will
result in. As far as they know, they're just going home. Isn't that sweet?
BETHANY
If this is so major, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do
something?
METATRON
He could. He could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turn
them into plants. But He'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
BETHANY
Why me?
METATRON
Because of who you are.
BETHANY
And who am I?
METATRON
The girl in the p.j.'s. Don't ask so many questions just serve your
purpose.
BETHANY
I'll pass.
METATRON
I beg your pardon?
BETHANY
When some asshole abortion doctor destroyed my uterus -where was God? When
my
husband decided he couldn't be with a wife that couldn't bear his children
- where was
God? Now all the sudden, after all these years of quiet noninvolvement in
my life, He
sends one of His lackey's my way who tells me I should save the world, and
as what -
some sort of test? To Hell with Him.
METATRON
Do yourself a favor Bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your petty
crap. It's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you even
less now when the fate of existence
hangs in the balance. Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked
out of being just because you have a grudge against your creator.
BETHANY
A grudge? Do you know why I work in that clinic? It's my own private way of
saying
"fuck you" to God.
METATRON
And any other day I'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoy
yourself and goodnight. But this isn't about you - this is about eve~body.
So you lost the abiliry to make life. You're being offered the chance to
play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it.
(swigs her drink and spits it out)
But I can't make you. You'll do what you will. However, if you should
decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be
alone. You'll have support.
BETHANY
What, more angels?
NIETATRON
Prophets - although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right
away - one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks - and he will at
great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of
himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be
helpful
just the same.
(looks at watch)
I have to go. You'll do what you will, but try to remember that we're
working in a time frame here.
Metatron moves to exit.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hey.
(Metatron turns)
You work for God.
METATRON
They tell me it's God. If it's not, I'm going to be severely pissed - what
with all these years of bossing people around on his behalf and
expectorating perfectly good tequila.
BETHANY
What's he like? God?
METATRON
(thinks)
Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
BETHANY
I'll bet.
METATRON
Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to look
so stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all the
time, just for fun.
BETHANY
But we do.
METATRON
I know. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs.
BETHANY
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
METATRON
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
And with that, Nietatron is gone. Bethany looks at her drink. A three-man
mariachi band surround her and begin playing Prince's 'Little Red
Corvette'.
INT BETHANY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bethany startles awake. The radio on her night-table plays 'Little Red
Corvette'. She lays back down.
INT BETHANY'S OFFICE - DAY
Bethany sits at her desk, staring into space. A twenty-something girl
speaks, butBethany's not really listening. She's extremely preoccupied.
INT CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany shuts off the lights in the various rooms. She packs up her bag and
turns on the alarm.
EXT CLINIC - NIGHT
Bethany exits and locks the door behind her. She starts walking.
As her feet tread lightly toward her car, three small shadows move toward
her.
Bethany throws her bag on her car roof and rumages through her purse for
her keys. She hears something and stops. Roller blades can be heard moving
slowly across the asphalt of the parking lot. Bethany turns quickly.
Nobody's there. She looks around, a bit peturbed.
BETHANY
(calling into the darkness)
God, what time do you people quit and go home?! Let's just save it for
tomorrow, alright?
There's no response. Then there's the noise of wood being tapped against
the ground. Bethany peers into the darkness, looking for the source.
Suddenly, a skater whips past her, slamming his stick into the back of her
knee. Bethany goes down. Another skater whips in and slashes at her, but
she ducks. The stick hits the car door above her. She rifles through her
purse madly until another skater whips by, dragging her purse away with his
stick. Bethany looks up.
The Stygian Triplets are lined up menacingly, a few feet from her. They tap
their hockey sticks in unison on the ground. Bethany jumps up and faces
them defensively. The Triplets emit an unholy shriek and charge at her.
And from out of nowhere, a large figure swoops down from above, landing on
the ground between Bethany and her menacers. The Triplets stop short and
regard the figure curiously. The large figure whips into a defensive
stance, Batman-style.
The Stygian Triplets look to one another. They shrug and charge anew.
From behind the rock-still large figure, a smaller figure leaps into the
streetlight, shrieking, flying through the air, busting into a flying kick.
He lands before the middle Triplet and open-palm punches him twice in the
face, grabbing his stick from the falling child's hand and tossing it into
the air behind him.
The stick sails through the night air and is snatched by the grip of the
large figure, who twirls it under his arm, and then back Out like a sai. He
swings it out before him, knocking the other two Triplets off balance. The
smaller figure back flips into the larger figure's arms and kicks his feet
into the faces of the two wobbling Triplets. They go down, and the smaller
figure leaps forward with a shriek, landing between the fallen pair, elbows
into their backs.
The flrst struck Triplet leaps out of the darkness at the large figure,
screaming something unholy. The large figure catches the kid by the throat
and quickly
head butts him, tossing him to the side. The large figure sways for a beat
and then shakes it off.
The small figure collects the hockey sticks and throws them into the
distance. He kicks at the falien Triplets as they scurry away.
SMALL FIGURE
(calling after them)
GO BACK TO YOUR PAPER ROUTES, YOU PUNK FUCKS!
(more to himself)
Snoogans.
The large figure saddles up beside the small figure. They look at one
another and shake hands.
SMALL FIGURE
Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking asses!
Bethany stares, mystified. She grabs her purse from the ground.
BETHANY
Where... where did you learn to do... that stuff?!
SMALL FIGURE
From this comic book some guys made about us. Long story.
BETHANY
(beat)
I don't know what to say... or think.
The figures turn into the light, revealing the faces of the heroes for the
first time - two very familiar faces.
SMALL FIGURE
Say you'll offer us sex as a reward.
BETHANY
Who are you?
The large figure lights up a smoke. The small one extends his hand.
SMALL FIGURE
Jay. And this is my business associate, Silent Bob.
BIETHANY
Well thank you for being out here so late... Come to think of it, what are
you doing out here so late?
(freezes)
Wait a second are you protestors?
JAY
What's a protestor?
BETHANY
You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
JAY
You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no.
Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice:a woman 5 body is her own fucking
business.
BETHANY
Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging
around?
JAY
We're here to pick up chicks.
BETHANY
(a bit stunned)
Excuse me?
JAY
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else
would they be there unless they like to fuck.
BETHANY
(taken aback)
Oh. Right. Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue... I think.
JAY
(shocked)
Wait, wait, wait - we just saved your ass, and you're just going to take
off? What the shit is that?
BETHANY
I had a weird night last night, and now tonight's not shaping up to be any
better. I think I should go home, take some percosets, and lay down.
(opens her car door)
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
How about that shit? Fuck this town, man - I'm going back to Jersey and
selling weed~
(they start walking)
At least there I can get turned down while trying to make myself a profit.
Bethany freezes. Metatron's words echo in her ear. She shakes her head.
BETHANY
(to herself)
You've gotta be kidding me.
(thinks for a beat; then) Hey! Wait!
She runs up to them. They whip around and raise their fists defensively.
BETHANY
Sorry.
(beat)
Would you... I can't believe I'm doing this...
(inhales deeply)
Would you... like to have a drink with me?
Jay's face lights up. He punches Silent Bob in the arm.
JAY
See?! I told you if we hung around outside that place we'd get laid! Thank
you!
(looking skyward)
Thank you, God!
INT SEEDY GUN SHOP - NIGHT
Various guns are laid out atop a glass case.
OC SALESMAN
Now this piece is nice. It's not lightweight, but one look at it and nobody
- I mean nobody - is going to fuck with you. Try it on.
Loki picks up the gun. Bartleby and the SALESMAN look at him.
LOKI
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, I'll say that much.
BARTLEBY
It's the weapon of choice these days.
LOKI
It seems unimpressive. At least the sword looked intimidating. How can I
strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?
SALESMAN
Oh, I get it. You want to become a vigilante, right? Like Batman or
something.
LOKI
Batman never uses guns.
(off gun)
I don't know. It feels impersonal.
BARTLEBY
Then don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste like Sodom and Gommorah.
Now that was something.
LOKI
Oh yeah, for you maybe. You got to stand there and read. I had to do all
the work.
BARTLEBY
What work? You lit a few fires.
LOKI
I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire.
Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the
most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
(to Salesman)
I'll take this one.
SALESMAN
Five seventy five to walk with it right now.
Loki starts sifting through his wallet.
BARTLEBY
Soccer?
INT DINER - NIGHT
An English muffin is covered with a knife-full of jam. Bethany raises the
bread to her mouth and takes a bite. She glances at the OC pair and stops
chewing.
Jay and Silent Bob study her intently. Jay smiles widely, anticipatory, and
nods.
All three sit at a small table near a window. Bethany puts the English
muffin down and brushes off her hands. Jay's feet are moving a mile a
minute.
BETHANY
Are you both from around here?
JAY
I'm hard as hell.
BETHANY
Do you live in the city?
JAY
Do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you going to do us both? If so,
I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
BETHANY
You're a man of principle. Where do you come from?
JAY
We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Real small town. We practically
knew everybody.
BETHANY
What brought you to McHenry?
JAY
Hollywood.
BETHANY
(beat)
Hollywood?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, we used to sell smoke in front of this video store. And one
day this fuck wants to rent a video. So we did, only we didn't have
anyplace to watch it. So we went to the mall and popped it into a VCR at
Macy's and sat on the floor and watched it. It was called 'Sixteen
Candles'. Did you ever see it?
BETHANY
Yes.
JAY
So the next day we rented 'The Breakfast Club', and then 'Weird Science'
where these two fucks have a chick that'll do anything for them and they
don't do nothing because it's a PG movie. But then we got thrown out of
Macy's when we watched 'Pretty in Pink', because of this bitch.
(points to Silent Bob)
BETHANY
(to Silent Bob)
What'd you do?
JAY
You know how at the end the red-headed bitch gets together with her dream
guy at the prom?
(Bethany nods)
Well pussy here starts fuckin' sobbing all sorts of loud and shit. And the
manager's like "Get the hell out of here!" And I'm like "Fuck you, you bald
cocksucker! I'll kick your lard..
BETHANY
(speeding him along)
So what exactly brought you to Illinois?
JAY
Oh yeah. See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in
Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick
all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson
- he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says
to Silent Bob "Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in
Shermer, Illinois!" So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a
bus. But when we got here,
you know what we found Out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of
shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit!
BETHANY
And now you live here?
JAY
Fuck that. This berg sucks. Everyone talks with a stupid accent so you
don't know what they're saying, and it's too fuckin' cold. We were talking
about taking off. Until we met you, that is.
(kisses her hand)
BETHANY
(retracts her hand)
Right. So how much longer are you staying here?
JAY
Until you're ready to skip out and make with the sex.
BETHANY
No. How long are you staying in McHenry?
JAY
We're leaving tomorrow.
BETHANY
Where are you going next?
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Jesus - this broad asks alot of questions.
(to Bethany)
Back to Jersey. We've been going straight for like five
years now. It's about time for us to retire or something. Enjoy our salad
years. No more adventures.
BETHANY
I see.
(sips her coffee)
JAY
Yeah. So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in
the ass?
BETHANY
I didn't ask you out for sex.
JAY
I'll take head.
BETHANY
I don't know why, but...
(composes herself)
...I want to go with you.
JAY
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
(shrugs to Silent Bob)
Alright, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
BETHANY
No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
JAY
Really? You're the only chick I ever met that wanted to go to Jersey. Most
chicks try to get out.
BETHANY
When can we leave?
JAY
Wait a second! What is this shit? Are we going fuck or not?
BETHANY
You're going to lead me somewhere.
JAY
Me lead you? Lady, I don't even know where I am half the time. If we're not
going to fuck then what the hell did you ask me out for?
BETHANY
Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to
go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot.
JAY
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~..
(to Silent Bob)
Didn't this crazy bitch promise us sex?
(to Bethany)
...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and
you don't even know where it is?
BETHANY
(beat)
Do you believe in God?
JAY
(horrified)
Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out
of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak!
(to Silent Bob, getting up)
Let's go...
BETHANY
(grabbing his sleeve)
No. wait...
JAY
(pulling back)
I'll scream rape.
BETHANY
I can pay you.
JAY
(quickly sitting back down)
Pay?
BETHANY
For being my guide. You were going to leave anyway; all I'm asking is to
tag along and see where it leads. I'll pay a hundred bucks and all
expenses.
JAY
(thinks; to Silent Bob)
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and
we're in that fucked up bar.
(to Bethany)
What about sex?
BETHANY
No sex.
JAY
Alright, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like
five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off - would you
fuck us then?
BETHANY
In that highly unlikely situation?
(beat)
Yeah, sure.
JAY
Yeah? You slut. Noonch.
(to Silent Bob)
What do you think?
Silent Bob shrugs. Jay stands up.
JAY
Alright. But I'll drive.
EXT MAIN HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Bethany's car roars overhead, speeding down the road, reving awfully
loudly.
INT BETHANY'S CAR - NIGHT
The speedometer reads ninety five.
Jay drives, eyes glued to the road. happy as hell. Silent Bob smokes to his
right. Bethany sits pinned against the back seat, wearing an uncomfortable
and dubious look. She struggles to lean forward. The engine still races.
BETHANY
(yelling over engine noise)
What gear are you in?
JAY
(not looking back)
Gear?
EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany sit on and against the car. The hood is open
and smoke billows out.
JAY
(defensively)
Well what do I know from shifting?! Like I ever drove before!
Silent Bob shrugs and smokes. Bethany walks away, shaking her head.
JAY
Chicks.
Silent Bob nods and extracts a tool from his jacket. He begins working on
the engine as a cross~ountry bus races by.
INT BUS - NIGHT
Bartleby and Loki sit in the back. Bartleby reads a map and Loki stares at
the gun in his lap. A COUPLE makes out in the seat in front of them.
BARTLEBY
We have to pass through three more states to get to New Jersey: Indianna,
Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
LOKI
With a very important stop in Cleveland.
BARTLEBY
Oh right. The Angel of Death Returns. Sounds like a bad movie.
LOKI
Movies are bullshit. And don't start with me, airight. The last time you
bugged me about my job, you got us sentenced to life in Wisconsin.
(looks out window)
All this time we've been down here, why didn't we ever leave the Cheese?
BARTLEBY
He said to stay where he put us. We feared worse punishment if we disobeyed
Him again.
LOKI
Where were we afraid He'd send us?
BARTLEBY
New Jersey.
LOKI
Now that, my friend. is irony.
BARTLEBY
(beat)
You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter. How can you even be sure
of what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. Remember when
eating meat on Friday was supposed to be a Hellworthy tresspass? Or when
people weren't even supposed to shop on Sundays?
LOKI
That stuff was small potatoes. The major sins never change. And believe me
- I can spot a commandment breaker a mile away.
BARTLEBY
Sure.
LOKI
You don't believe me?
(looks around; eyes fall on kissing couple)
There. There's one.
BARTLEBY
(off couple)
So what? They're kissing.
LOKI
Adultery.
BARTLEBY
That's a stretch. How do you know they're not dating?
LOKI
You'd know better than me - let's hear it.
BARTLEBY
Oh, I know the truth. But let's see how boned up on the job you really are.
LOKI
A test?
BARTLEBY
Of sorts. So what's your proof?
LOKI
He's wearing a wedding band.
BARTLEBY
So? Maybe that's his wife.
LOKI
No married man kisses his wife like that. You get married and the passion
dies, man. Don't you ever watch talk shows?
BARTLEBY
What are you talking about?
LOKI
A guy makes his best plays when wooing. When the object of his desire is
won, there's no need to expend the effort anymore. He relaxes, satisfied
with the spoils of victory, which he then decides isn't so victorious
because he's saddled with a life-mate.
BARTLEBY
Very romantic sentiment.
LOKI
That's the problem - romance. You think about it :back in the old days,
nobody got married out of quote, unquote, love. People married for
property', dowries, or to procreate - to immortalize oneself through
offspring. When did all this love stuff start? What the hell happened to
the status quo?
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors.
LOKI
Lionel Richie's old group?
BARTLEBY
No, that's the Commodores. The Troubadors were wandering minstrels and
dramatists that sang melodramatic and sappy songs of undying love.
LOKI
Sounds like the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
The Troubadors made 'love' fashionable. And their influence altered the
balance in a significant fashion. Until them, people got married because
they had to. After them, people started 'falling in love'. Romantic
courtships became the norm. What started out as simple entertainment made
such a dramatic impact as to forever alter the way society operates.
LOKI
That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the
'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day
they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start
looking for Shermer, Illinois.
BARTLEBY
Be fair. Humans are dumb, but not that dumb.
(off couple)
So is it adultery or not?
LOKI
(thinks; to couple)
Excuse me.
The Couple stops kissing. The MAN looks at Loki.
LOKI
Are you married?
MAN
(puzzled)
Why?
LOKI
Just curious.
MAN
(holds up ring finger)
What do you think?
The Man shakes his head and goes back to kissing. Bartleby offers Loki a
"Satisfled?' expression. Loki taps the Man on the shoulder.
MAN
(breaks kiss; pissed)
What?!
LOKI
To her?
MAN
What?
LOKI
Are you married to her?
MAN
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no! Why?!
Loki looks at Bartleby. Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki calmly shoots the man
in the head. Screaming ensues.
EXT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The bus skids to a halt. People flock off in a panic. scattering. After a
beat, Bartleby and Loki deboard and stand there alone.
BARTLEBY
You're such an asshole.
LOKI
Don't blame me, man. Blame the Commodores.
BARTLEBY
Troubadors.
EXT ROADSIDE OF HIGHWAY - DAWN
Silent Bob still tools around under the hood, Jay hands him various
wrenches. Bethany steams off to the side.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
She's pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well,
maybe you, but definitely not me.
(beat)
Let me know how she is.
BETHANY
(turns on him)
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?!
JAY
At least not in this car.
BETHANY
(sighs)
I'm sorry I dragged you to that diner. I don't know what I was thinking.
But being that I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, this is where
you two get off.
JAY
You're breaking up with us?
BETHANY
Good luck with finding Molly Ringwald, or whoever it is vou're looking for.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Good bye.
Bethany starts walking away. Jay stares at her, shocked.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Who the hell do you think you are, lady? You can't go around breaking
people's hearts like that! We fell in love with you! Guys like us don't
just fall out of the sky, you know!
On cue, a naked black MAN falls from the sky. landing between the two
parties. Bethany and Jay stare at him. The Man is face down, sooty, and
ashen - as if he's just been in a fire. Bethany drops to her knees and
rolls him over, feeling for a pulse. Jay looks down, then looks skyward as
Silent Bob joins him.
JAY
(yelling up)
A beautiful, naked woman doesn't just fall from the sky, you know?!
(beat; to Silent Bob)
Was worth a try.
Silent Bob nods. Bethany presses her ear to the man's chest.
BETHANY
No heartbeat.
JAY
Do you think he fell from a plane? Like 'Alive'? Did you ever see that
flick?
BETHANY
(starts CPR'ing him)
I think there would have been more of a mess if he fell from that high.
MAN
Not necessarily.
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob leap back. The man sits up and rubs his face.
JAY
KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
MAN
That sounds familiar.
BETHANY
Jesus, are you okay?
MAN
Rufus. And yes, I'm fine.
JAY
He's the fuckin' undead!! Cut his head off!!
RUFUS
(getting up with Bethany's help)
What happened to your car? You clock ninety in first gear or something?
JAY
Mind your own fucking business!
RUFUS
(to Jay)
Listen, goldie-locks, what I just did was not easy and it ga\e me a fucking
migraine. Now if you don't pipe down, I'm going to rip your balls off.
JAY
(hiding behind Silent Bob)
I knew it! Mother fucker wants to eat my brain!
BETHANY
I think he was aiming a bit further south.
(to Rufus)
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude - Rufus, is it?
RUFUS
Rufus it is, Miss.
(to Silent Bob)
Hey, tubby... how's about lending a brother your coat 'till I can find my
own threads?
Jay looks at Silent Bob.
JAY
Dude, he fell out of thin air!
Silent Bob shrugs and passes his coat to Rufus. Jay bugs.
JAY
Dude, his dick is gonna be rubbing all over the inside of your armor!
RUFUS
(to Silent Bob)
I'll do my best to tuck it back, brother.
Silent Bob nods. Something OC catches his eye. He stares OC and exits.
BETHANY
Where exactly did you fall from?
RUFUS
Some might say grace.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Dude, he's talking about your mom.
Jay turns to see that Silent Bob isn't there.
Silent Bob peers at a large bush at the road side. The bush rustles
slightly.
OC BETHANY
You know, normally I'd have a hard time with this, but somehow you falling
out of the sky seems to go hand in glove with some of the other stuff I've
been deaiing with.
OC RUFUS
Believe me - you ain't seen nothing yet.
Silent Bob peers closer at the bush. Suddenly - a Stygian Triplet leaps out
at him, pinning him to the ground with his hockey stick.
The other two Triplets leap on top of Jay and BETHANY
Rufus grabs the one off Bethany and hurls him to the side.
Jay manages to reach into his jacket and pull out a copy of Penthouse. He
rolls it up and starts beating the kid in the head with it.
Silent Bob gets his hands under the stick that pins him and pushes it up
hard, into the Triplet's forhead, knocking him off. He rushes to Jay's side
and plies the other Triplet from his throat, hurling him OC.
The Triplet Silent Bob fought 'punctures' the air with his stick and rips
downward, creating a 'hole'. He grabs his friend and leaps into it,
disappearing.
Jay and Silent Bob look at eachother, blink, and embrace passionately.
The Triplet that Rufus threw rushes Rufus from behind - hockey stick in
lancing position. Without looking back, Rufus reaches behind himself,
grabbing the stick and swinging it (and the Triplet) over his head in an
arch, letting go. The last Triplet goes sailing through the 'hole', and it
seals shut.
Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are in various wide-eyed states of shock.
JAY
Alright - what's with you, lady?! That's the second time you got attacked
by the fucking Mighty Ducks!
RUFUS
(wiping off hands)
Man, they're onto you bad, already. I got here just in time.
BETHANY
How can you be so composed? We were almost killed.
RUFUS
Death is a worry of the living. The dead only worry about decay and
necrophiliacs.
JAY
See! I told you he was the undead!
RU FUS
Not the undead, the dead. I died. Christ told me the secret to resurrection
once when we were at a wedding in Canna, but I got drunk and forgot it.
BETHANY
(incredulous)
Wait. wait, wait - Christ? You knew Christ?
RUFUS
Knew him? I saw him naked.
BETHANY
Let me guess - you're another angel?
RUFUS
No, I'm a man - just like you and him.
(looks at Jay)
Well, maybe not like him. At least I was a man. Been dead for nearly two
thousand years. Here.
(pulls rolled up paper from behind his ear)
JAY
No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj.
BETHANY
(unrollingit)
It's not a joint.
(looks at it)
I can't read this.
RUFUS
It's Sanskiit. It says "Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus." Freaked me
out because he basically told me when my number was up. Took the flavor out
of the remaining years. Look, we gotta keep moving. If we stay in one place
long enough, those things are liable to come back. What say we continue
this discussion over something to eat?
BETHANY
(snaps)
WAIT A SECOND!
(inhales deeply)
I'm a rational woman, okay. All I want to know is where you, and those...
kids came from?!
RUFUS
They came from Hell. I came from Heaven.
(walking away)
Let's start walking.
JAY
Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere?
RUFUS
Back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of
a fat apostle?
(exits)
Bethany looks to Jay and Silent Bob for some guidance or stability.
JAY
What's an apostle?
Bethany shakes her head and exits. Jay and Silent Bob shrug at each other.
EXT MOOBY CORP. BUILDING - DAWN
A large office building in downtown Cleveland. The city. hasn't started up
yet. A pickup truck pulls curbside in front of the structure. Bartleby and
Loki jump out of the back and pat the side of the truck. offering waved
thank-you's to the driver. As the truck pulls away, Loki pulls out the
article and looks at it. He looks up at the building and nods to Bartleby,
smiling. They head toward the front doors.
INT QUAlNT SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAWN
A ringing phone is answered by the unseen figure in the chair. We move from
the seated Figure, passing by the dead bodies of the home's original
owners, and come to a stop on the bruised and worn Stygian Triplets seated
on a couch. They look scared.
FIGURE
Hello?... No, they're not in right now... I'm the phone guy... I'll leave
them a message... Bye.
The Figure hangs up the phone and rises.
FIGURE
You say the girl has already met the prophets?
The Stygian Triplets nod.
FIGURE
She grows closer to learning her true identity. If that happens, our plan
is jeopardized. I can't afford to go into the field - that might compromise
us further. The best course of action is to insure that our parcel is not
found. And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a girl, I'm
left with no choice but to seek outside assistance in guarding our package.
(sighs)
I'm going to have to summon the Golgothan.
The Figure exits. The Stygian Triplets register shock.
EXT FAST FOOD JOINT - DAWN
Rufus - now wearing some funky new clothes - carries a tray of fast food to
an outdoor table. Sitting already are Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob.
RUFUS
(off new clothes)
It's amazing the shit people throw out. Didn't I tell you I'd find some
threads?
A car full of teens whip past them.
TEEN
(yelling from passing car)
GARBAGE PICKER!
RUFUS
(waves to them)
Thank you.
(to group)
What's that mean?
JAY
It means they saw you pull that shit out of that dumpster.
RUFUS
So it's a good thing, then.
(handing coat back to Silent Bob)
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have this back.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
Lucky you.
RUFUS
(off food)
Damn, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's
milk. What do you call this shit?
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
Egg McMuffin. Now how about you start explaining some things to me.
RUFUS
Like what?
BETHANY
Like - for starters - who the hell are those kids that keep attacking me?
RUFUS
Nasty little bastards called the Stygian Triplets. They're not really
related. When they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a
neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked
like" I believe was their defense. They were killed in a car wreck on the
way to a detention center.
BETHANY
So they're dead too?
RUFUS
You'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're
stubborn bastards. Thing is, those kids are supposed to be in Hell. Which
means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to
summon demons.
BETHANY
Is it those two angels I'm supposed to stop?
RUFUS
Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just stupid.
JAY
(to Bethany)
Wait a minute - are you going to listen to this shit? We don't even know
who this guy is. For all you know, he's in with those fucks. They both
showed up at the same time.
BETHANY
I hate to say it - but he does have a point. How did you know where to find
us?
RUFUS
You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living.
Especially in the shower.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't wait to die.
BETHANY
And why are you watching me?
RUFUS
Because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that
book you all hold so much stock in.
JAY
Hustler?
RUFUS
The Bible.
BETHANY
What's your beef with the Bible?
RUFUS
I'm not in it.
JAY
Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.
RUFUS
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Thirteenth Apostle.
BETHANY
I've been going to church my entire life and I've never heard of a
thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
RUFUS
See? You know all about the other twelve Apostles -white boys, I might add.
But no mention of Rufus. And why? Cause I'm a black man. But that's just my
pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major error that you people are
basing a faith on.
BETHANY
What's that?
RUFUS
Jesus wasn't white; He was black.
Rufus bites into his sandwhich. Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob look at him and
then each other.
JAY
Bullshit. I've seen pictures of Jesus, and He has blonde hair and blue
eyes.
RUFUS
(wiping hands)
That's what's particularly insulting. Between the time when He established
the faith and the church started to officially organize, the powers-that-be
decided that while the message of Christ was integral, the fact that He was
black was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be Eurocentric,
even though the brother was blacker than Jesse.
BETHANY
If that's true, then why'd He get written about while you were left out?
RUFUS
Well He is the Son of God, right? It's kind of hard to have the New
Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts and put a spin on His
ethnicity. Leaving me out's okay because there's still Twelve apostles to
choose from.
JAY
I don't buy it.
RUFUS
That's what the good people of Antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.
BETHANY
You were martyred?
RUFUS
That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to
shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world
and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian
following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about
Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was
black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed
the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to
accessonze.
BETH ANY
Why didn't you just let the point go when you saw how they were reacting?
RUFUS
Because it's part of the facts. White folks only want to hear the good
shit: life eternal, a place in God's kingdom. As soon as they hear they're
getting all this from a black Jesus, they freak. And that - my friends - is
called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You going to eat that hash brown?
BETHANY
So you went to Heaven?
RUFUS
Shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. I gave up my sheep and
followed His ass around Jerusalem for three years. And in all that time,
did I ever get laid? Hell no! But I didn't bitch, because I was into His
message. And while the message is what counts, folks should know that He
was black. That's why I'm going to help you find stop those angels from
getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
BETHANY
How do you know about that?
RUFUS
Heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is
news. The unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great
tediumbreaker. Besides, there isn't much I don't know about you.
BETHANY
I find that hard to believe.
RUFUS
When you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
JAY
(shocked)
You did that?
BETHANY
Yeah... but I never told anyone about it.
RUFUS
Neither did he. He died of Leukemia two years later. His name was...
BETHANY
...BryanJohnson.
RUFUS
Your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in Heaven. Probably in
Hell, too.
Bethany rubs her temples and exits OC. Rufus watches her go.
JAY
(intrigued)
Tell me something about me.
RUFUS
(preoccupied with the OC Bethany)
You masturbate more than anybody else on the planet.
JAY
Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
RUFUS
You think about guys when you do it.
Rufus gets up and exits. Silent Bob looks at Jay, shocked.
JAY
Not all the time!
Bethany sits on a swing in the kiddie-jungle gym, shaking her head. Rufus
joins her.
RUFUS
I'm sorty if I spooked you.
BETHANY
I just feel... violated. Like my life isn't mine exclusively.
RUFUS
That's the way it goes with celebrities.
BETHANY
What are you talking about? I'm a nobody. I'm just a quiet girl from the
suburbs who counsels pregnant teens.
RUFUS
You sound like Christ. He had the same reaction when He found out who He
was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. And like Him, I'm sure
you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.
BETHANY
Why not get the pope or someone holy like that?
RUFUS
Just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for
the job. Only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of
destruction. last time it was Jesus - this time it's you.
BETHANY
Why me?
RUFUS
Can't say yet. But the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry
the burden. It all rides on you.
BFTRANY
(rubbing her temples)
Two thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home. You know,
yesterday I wasn't sure God even existed. And now I'm upto my ass in
Christian Mythology.
RUFUS
God hates it when it's referred to as Mythology.
BFTHANY
Well then let's ask the quote, unquote 'prophets' what we should call it
instead.
(looking OC; concerned)
Now where did those two assholes go?
INT STRIP JOINT
It's your typical strip club. One woman on a stage and a crowd of men
paying way-too-much attention. The place is dimly lit with red lights and
chock full of smoke. Off to one side, a dee-jay spins records, blasting the
music. The crowd is rather thin.
Jay and Silent Bob sit at the stage. their eyes glued on...
The DANCER - a gorgeous, shapely vixen with very little clothing on, and
growing littler by the second.
Jay pokes Silent Bob, who produces a wad of bills. They skim off a nice
pile and stow the rest. They spread their piles neatly on the bar. The
Dancer smiles and starts dancing toward them. Jay holds up a five-spot and
performs his own little seductive dance ~th it. He stands at the edge of
the stage, ~'rating. The Dancer slinks over and Jay stuffs the five in her
G-string. She rubs his head and slinks away. Jay humps Silent Bob's chair,
excitedly. Bethany and Rufus come up from behind them. Bethany hits Jay.
BETHANY
(shouting above the music)
What are you doing?
JAY
Proving to this bastard that I ain't gay.
BETHANY
What?
RUFUS
Long story - forget it. But we should get moving. How can we get to New
Jersey?
BETHANY
I had a car.
She slaps Jay upside the head, but - riveted by the Dancer - he doesn't
feel it.
BETHANY
(to Rufus)
We could go by train.
RUFUS
(looking OC)
Sounds cool.
BETHANY
There's a phone out there. I'll call for reservations.
Rufus is now also riveted by a table dancer off to the side.
BETHANY
No, it's okay. I can handle it.
Rufus half-nods. Bethany shakes her head and exits.
The Dancer gyrates on the stage, revealing more and more of herself.
Jay pounds on the stage, hoots, and dances, flashing more bills.
ACROSS THE STAGE a small GANG of bandanna-wearing, angry-looking blacks
watch the OC Jay with little amusement. The Dancer dances toward them.
JAY
(banging on stage)
Sweet thing!
(Hashes another five)
Look what I found! Snoog!
The Dancer smiles as she approaches Jay, but is interrupted by more
banging.
The GANG LEADER has his foot on the stage. He produces a ten dollar bill
from his jacket and casually holds it up. The other three members of his
posse smile and slap hands.
The Dancer shrugs at the shocked Jay and changes direction, heading toward
the Gang. Jay casts a horrified look at Silent Bob.
The Gang Leader leans forward, preparing to tip when we hear an obnoxiously
loud throat~learing.
Jay holds aloft a twenty, smiling and nodding.
The Dancer shrugs at the Gang Leader and again switches direction. The Gang
Leader looks at his posse, who shake their heads at him, disappointedly.
The Stage becomes a bidding table, as - on one side - the Gang Leader
produces two twenties. On the other side, jay - staring at the Gang Leader
- produces three twenties. The Gang Leader hits his posse up for more cash.
Jay hits Silent Bob up for more cash. The Dancer stays in the middle,
gyrating and sizing up the best offer.
Jay then produces the creme'de Ia creme': three hundred dollar bills. He
sneers at the OC Gang Leader. The Dancer heads over to jay and wraps her
legs around him from the stage, gyrating against his groin. Jay stares at
the Gang Leader, a victorious smirk on his face.
The Gang Leader shakes his head angrily and jumps out of his seat,
producing a gun from his jacket. He fires into the ceiling. The music
scratches to a halt and the other viewers scatter toward the door. The Gang
Leader points his piece at Jay, his posse backing him up.
GANG LEADER
You a smart ass, ain'tcha, white boy? Come in here and ruin my good time.
JAY
It's a free country. The bitch just came to the man with the most.
DANCER
Bitch?
JAY
No offense, baby.
GANG LEADER
The bitch is gonna be leaving with the man with the most - the man with the
most led in his piece. While you and tubby are leaving with the most led in
your dead fucking carcasses, know what I'm sayin?
JAY
(to Dancer)
Step to the side, baby. I've gotta slap this pussyass, Nino Brown wanna-be
down.
DANCER
(to Gang Leader)
Come on, Kane. This isn't necessary.
GANG LEADER
Shut the fuck up and back away from the midget!
The Dancer moves to the side.
GANG LEADER
(to Jay)
Now I believe you were about to apologize. I believe you were about to
intone some pleas for mercy. You were about to say "Please, Mister Kane, I
didn't mean to disrespect you in your club. Please accept my most humble
apology.
Bethany comes back and sees the mess. She moves to rush to Jay's side, but
Rufus holds her back An OC Jay laughs.
Jay leans on Silent Bob, laughing. The Gang stares back, angrily.
JAY
You want an apology?
GANG LEADER
(cocks gun)
Give me at least one "I'm sorry," and ltll put a kill shot through that
thick fucking skull of your's. Otherwise we go slow and long in the pain
dispensation.
JAY
(beat; zips jacket closed)
Know what I'm doing?
GANG LEADER
No. What you doing?
JAY
I'm closing my jacket, so that when we start this up, I don't get your
filthy fucking brain guts all over my shirt. You know why?
GANG LEADER
Why?
JAY
Because you can't get shit stains out of flannel. What I'm saying is that
you got shit for brains.
The Gang Leader and his posse stare silently for a moment.
GANG LEADER
Well I appreciate you breaking that down for me, but I got it without the
explanation.
JAY
No. No, I don't think you did get it. See, there's gonna he some nine's
firing in here, and when the bullets stop flyin', your cunt-lip ass is
gonna be all holes and smoke. You think you can draw on me and walk away?
Fuck that. And fuck you - you punk-ass monkey bitch! Yeah, I called you a
monkey! Maybe if you kiss my dick all nice before I cap you, I'll bring a
coconut to your funeral and lay it on your grave; stick a straw through it
and stick the other end in the ground. Your lips'll reach.
The Gang stares, mystified. Rufus and Bethany can't move they're so
frightened.
JAY
You think every white boy cowers at your ass? Shit, if I don't fucking
plant you - watermelon - my muscle here will.
(thumbs at Silent Bob)
What do you think he is? My boy friend? I love chicks. So he's gotta be
with me for one reason: to watch my back. Silent Bob doesn't talk in words
- he speaks in bullets. Re's all quiet cause he's thinking about how he's
gonna take you and your bitches out quick enough to piss on the bullets in
your bodies before they cool down. You know why? Because he likes to see
the hot steam coming off them when he sprays them down. Come to think of
it, I~m tired of talking to your dumb ass; you probably don't even
understand big words like 'piss'. Tell you what - I'll let him explain it
to you.
(to Silent Bob)
Silent Bob - shoot these punk-monkey bitches.
Silent Bob slowly raises his hands in a surrender fashion. Jay looks at
him.
JAY
What are you waiting for?!
Silent Bob shrugs.
JAY
(flabbergasted)
YOU DON'T RAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob kind of nods
JAY
(shocked)
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER, AND YOU DON'T
HAVE A GUN?!?
Silent Bob indicates the negative, sheepishly.
JAY
THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT! DO YOU THINK I
WOULD'VE SAID ALL THAT IF I'D KNOWN YOU
DIDN'T HAVE A GUN?!?
(beat)
HUNHH?!?
Silent Bob raises his eyebrows remorsefully. The Gang snickers and smiles.
GANG LEADER
What was that about a coconut?
Jay shakes his head and glowers at Silent Bob.
JAY
No gun! What the fuck kind of muscle are you?! All this time and you got no
gun!
GANG LEADER
Oh boys! We have some unfinished business here.
JAY
(sheepishly)
Can we talk this over?
GANG LEADER
Tell you what - you got thirty seconds. Then I cap you. Talk all you like.
Bethany goes to make a move, but Rufus holds her back, shaking his head. He
puts a finger to his lips to quiet her and points back toward the action,
smiling.
Jay fumes.
JAY
(to Silent Bob)
I can't believe you.
(to Gang Leader)
Do me a favor.
(points to Silent Bob)
Shoot this piece of shit first.
(to Silent Bob; disgusted)
No gun!
Suddenly, they both snap into a momentary trance. Zombie-like, Jay and
Silent Bob step to the turntables behind them. Jay puts on headphones and
begins scratching a record. A familiar tune begins.
The Gang watches, perplexed.
Silent Bob whips around, microphone in his hand, and begins to sing.
SILENT BOB
HEY, HEY, HEY!!! IT'S FAT ALBERT!
AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!!
AND BILL'S GONNA TELL YOU A THING OR TWO!!
WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN, NOW!
WITH BILL AND ALL THE GANG!
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER -
WHILE WE DO OUR THANG!
The Gang slowly goes from perplexity to enjoyment. The Gang Leader softens
and smiles, adding a slight nod of approval. Jay provides back-up.
JAY
NA , NA, NA! GON NA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
SILENT BOB
(as Fat Albert)
HEY! HEY! HEY!
JAY
NA. NA. NA! GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
Bethany and Rufus look on. amazed.
RUFUS
I thought she looked familiar.
BETHANY
Who?
RUFUS
(he nods toward the stage)
Serendipity.
Bethany looks to the stage.
The Dancer is the SERENDIPITY in question. She wipes sweat from her brow.
INT. MOOBY CORP. BOARDROOM - DAY
Oh, this isn't your standard boardroom; this is Mooby Corp., home of Mooby,
the Golden Calf - which can only be described as a bovine variation on
Barney: sickeningly simple and very non-threatening. A large table sits in
the middle, a media center behind the huge chair at the head. The walls are
adorned with framed posters of Mooby, playing with kids, mouth agape in a
stupid smile. At the center of the table is a large, gold plated statue of
the insipid creature.
Doors open and the boardroom fills with suits - six men, one woman. They
chatter and take their seats. After a beat, WHITLAND, the CEO, enters,
taking his place at the head of the conference table.
WHITLAND
Good morning, shoppers.
(slaps a file on table)
Has anyone seen the over-night's?
An anticipatory hush fills the room.
WHITLAND
We creamed 'em.
A cheer and applause goes up from the group. Whitland smiles.
WHITLAND
(reading from file)
And last night was a rerun, which says to me that with the six months we
have to ready and promote the 'Very Nlooby Christmas' pay-per-view special,
we can produce history-making numbers. The record is held by that
shock-jock's New Year's thing, but I see no reason why our little cash cow
can't supercede those numbers and...
(stops and sniffs the air)
Do I smell onions?
Bartleby and Loki sit behind the thrall on a black leather couch. Loki is
carving something out of an onion, while Bartleby looks on.
Whitland and the rest of the board stare at them.
WHITLAND
I didn't realize we had guests. Who are these gentlemen with?
The other suits shrug and look to one another for an answer nobody has.
WHITLAND
(to Bartleby and Loki)
Excuse me.
Loki continues carving. Bartleby looks at his friend and shakes his head.
Loki lifts his head without looking up.
LOKI
(very distracted)
Hmm?
WHITLAND
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
LOKI
(still preoccupied)
My friend just has a few words for you, and then we'll be on our way.
Heading to Jersey, you see. Now -by the decor, I assume I'm guessing
correctly that this is the corporate headquarters for Mooby Productions
International?
WHITLAND
You guess correctly. Now, may I ask who the fuck you are and - again - what
the fuck you're doing in our conference room?
LOKI
(to Bartleby, still not looking up)
You may proceed, mon ami'.
BARTLEBY
I can't believe you.
(to Whitland)
I just want to start off by apologizing. My friend here has a penchant
toward the dramatic, so he's making me do this. Usually, I don't even
involve myself in his affairs, but he hasn't done this in awhile, so he
wants...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Just read 'em their rights already.
BARTLEBY
(sighs; circling the table)
Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff -a former kindergarten
teacher - in nineteen eighty nine to fill a gap in the Saturday morning
schedule on local network K-REL Bought by the Complex Corporation in
nineteen ninety one and broadcast nationally as the 'The Mooby Fun-Time
Hour', it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and
spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a
library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed
'MoobyWorld'.
(beat)
Did I miss anything?
Whitland and company stare for a beat.
WHITLAND
You forgot 'Mooby Magazine'. Is there a point to this?
BARTLEBY
(grimly)
You and your board are idolators.
Whitland and company stare dumbfounded. Loki finishes carving and stands
beside Bartleby.
LOKI
(to Bartleby)
How could your forget the magazine?
Bartleby rolls his eyes. Loki turns to the Whitland and holds up the
sculpture.
LOKI
It's you.
(sets sculpture on table)
Do you know much about voo-doo? Fascinating practice, very close to
Satanism, but not really much of a religion - no doctrine of faith. Just an
arrangements of superstitions, the most well- known of which is the voo-doo
doll.
(sneezes; waits; continues)
A mock-up of an individual is subjected to various pokes and prods, and the
desired result is that the individual will feel the effects.
WHITLAND
(to nearest board member)
Call security - now.
Loki throws the knife at the table, severing the phone cord.
LOKI
All lines are currently down.
BARTLEBY
(to Whitland)
Again -. I apologize for my friend's...
LOKI
(frustrated)
Would you just get on with it?!
BARTLEBY
(miffed; to Whitland)
You are responsible for raising an icon that draws worship from the Lord.
You've broken the first commandment, but more than that, I'm afraid none of
you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery
of morality.
(looks to Loki; Loki nods)
Like you - Mister Bernard.
(stands behind board member)
Last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years, eight times - twice
with prostitutes. You even had sex with her best friend while she was at
her garden club meeting and you were supposed to be watching your kids.
LOKI
In the bed you and your wife share, no less.
The board member stares in disbelief. Loki nods to Bartleby and he moves
on.
BARTLBY
And you, Mister Newman.
Loki sifts through compact discs. He pulls out one entitled 'Mooby Mania'
and pops it into a player. A simple children's song echoes through the
room.
BARTLEBY
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party, and then paid
a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just
so you could break up with her - guilt free - when she sobbingly confessed
the next morning that she cheated on you. She killed herself three months
later. You sent flowers to her wake.
The board member's face is frozen. Bartleby shakes his head and moves
quickly around the table.
BARTLEBY
(not liking his job)
Mister Pereira disowned his gay son; Mister Turran put his mother in a
third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her house to
purchase an oriental rug for himself; Mister Barker flew to the Phillipines
on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy; Mister
Bloom okayed the production of Mooby dolls from what he knew were unsafe
and toxic materials because it was less costly.
Bartleby stops at the female Board member and looks at her, relieved.
BARTLEBY
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life and have
never misused your power here.
She stares at Bartleby. Loki pats her on the back and urges Bartleby on.
BARTLEBY
But you, Mister Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this
assembled party. I can't even mention them aloud.
Bartleby leans over and whispers something unheard into Whitland's ear.
Whitland goes green. Bartleby steps back. Loki stands beside Whitland.
LOKI
You're her father, you sick fuck.
Whitland begins sobbing.
BARTLEBY
(to Loki)
Can I go now?
LOKI
(cheerily rubbing his head)
Go on, you crazy kid.
Bartlebv exits. Loki turns menacingly on the others.
LOKI
With the exception of Miss Pryce, there is not a decent human being amongst
you. Do you know what makes a human being decent?
(beat)
Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything to fear
anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind
your false idol, far from judgement - lives shrouded in secrecy even from
one another. But not from God.
Loki goes to exit but pauses. He turns around.
LOKI
I forgot my little voo-doo doll.
(looks at Whitland)
Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
Loki begins moaning menacingly, slowly waving an open palm over the figure.
Whitland looks at it horrified, then at Loki, then back at the figure. He
sweats and shifts in his seat - eyes pinned on the figure. Loki lets out a
shriek and smashes the figure with his fist. Whitland freezes, eyes closed.
Slowly, he opens his eyes - unharmed.
LOKI
I don't believe in voo-doo.
Loki swiftly exits. The Board Members sit in awed silence. Then the doors
burst open and Loki storms back in.
LOKI
But I do believe in this.
Gun blazing, he takes out the male board members, including Whitland, in a
flurry of bullets. The remaining female Board Member covers her head with
her arms. Loki hangs his arm at his side and touches her hair.
LOKI
(smiling)
It's okay. You've done nothing wrong. They were bad men. You are a pure
soul.
She looks at him, terrified. He smiles back. Then his expression hardens.
LOKI
But you didn't say 'God Bless You' when I sneezed.
He quickly puts the gun to her head. She slams her eyes shut.
OC BARTLEBY
(cautionary)
Loki!
Loki freezes and looks OC. He grimaces and holsters his piece.
LOKI
(to woman)
Sorry. Force of habit.
He surveys his handiwork and exits. The female Board Member slowly opens
her eyes and looks around.
INT STRIP JOINT - LATER
Jay and the Gang Leader sit together at a table, surrounded by the other
gangsters and Silent Bob. They laugh and chug their '40's.
GANG LEADER
(to Gang)
Watch this shit.
(to Jay)
Do it again, G. Do the Mush-mouth.
JAY
(swigs his beer; as 'Mush-mouth')
Hey-buh, Fat-buh, Al-buh-bert.
The Gang laughs hysterically.
GANGSTER 1
Fat Albert like a mother fucker and shit!
Bethany, Rufus, and Serendipity huddle around a table further away.
RUFUS
(elated)
I forgot you were down here! How long now?
SERENDIPITY
Three years this August. What about you - is this another temporary
expulsion? You and your 'Christ was down' campaign?
BETHANY
What does that mean - another expulsion? I thought you came down here
specifically to help me?
SERENDIPITY
Is that what he told you? Rufus gets thrown out constantly; at least once a
month, ethereal time. They always bring him back, but only after a few days
of peace and quiet - free from that black nationalist rhetoric.
RUFUS
(joking)
Artsy-fartsy bitch.
SERENDIPITY
Who you calling artsy-fartsy?
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
Serendipity here used to hang with us sometimes back in Jerusalem.
BETHANY
Let me guess - the fourteenth apostle; left out of the bible because she's
a woman.
RUFUS
The girl's not a woman.
(to Serendipity)
No offense.
BETHANY
Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
SERENDIPITY
(tugs on boobs)
What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits
don't make a woman.
RUFUS
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a
woman.
SERENDIPITY
Aside from an intuitive knack for accessorizing, what traditionally defines
a woman falls between two things : her legs. But as you can see...
Serendipity stands and unbuttons her jeans, dropping them slightly,
revealing yet another smooth, sexless crotch, quite like Metatron's.
SERENDIPITY
I lack definition.
OC JAY
Hey! They're getting a free show!
Serendipity pulls her pants back up and sits down, smiling at the OC party.
BETHANY
(weary)
Oh God. Another angel. Like Metatron.
SERENDIPITY
How do you know Metatron?
(to Rufus)
How does she know Metatron?
RUFUS
This is the last Scion.
SERENDIPITY
(beat)
You're kidding.
RUFUS
Don't you see the resemblance?
SERENDIPITY
(stares at Bethany)
A bit.
(suddenly nervous)
Oh shit. If she's been tapped, then something's up.
BETHANY
I'm confused.
RUFUS
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any
means a human being like I was and you are.
SERENDIPITY
Amen to that.
(swigs her beer and spits it out)
BETHANY
Then who is she?
SERENDIPITY
Not who - what. I haven't always been part of the anthropomorphic club. I
used to be an abstract.
BETHANY
Now I'm really lost.
RUFUS
Serendipity's an idea.
SERENDIPITY
Try all ideas.
BETHANY
Meaning?
SERENDIPITY
I'm a muse, stupid.
Bethany stares at her for a beat, then at Rufus. Rufus nods affirmatively.
BETHANY
I can't take much more of this.
(downs her beer)
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
She's now met a seraphim, a dead man, and a muse.
You can appreciate her frame of mind.
BETHANY
(to Serendipity)
So you - what - inspire people?
SERENDIPITY
What just went down with your friends over there-you don't think they
thought of that themselves? I knew Kane's weak spot for Fat Albert and
passed it along to the boys.
RUFUS
If she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now.
BETHANY
You made them sing that song?
SERENDIPITY
I offered them a solution out of the hole they dug for themselves.
Thankfully, they took it.
BETHANY
Are you kidding? Those two are so dense, they wouldn't get a good idea if
it was given to them in a specially marked box.
SERENDIPITY
Dense people are the most open to suggestion - it's vou so-called
intelligent folks that have a hard time accepting a good idea.
RUFUS
Ain't that the truth.
BETHANY
Prove it. Give me a good idea.
SERENDIPITY
If I do, and you accept it, then you'll have confirmation that you are - as
you say - dense.
BETHANY
(beat)
Alright. So you're a muse. So what kind of people do you inspire - besides
stupid ones?
SERENDIPITY
I used to specialize in entertainment - literature, theatre, so forth.
BETHANY
Movies?
SERENDIPITY
In some cases, I'd do everything but bang starlets on the casting couch.
BETHANY
What have I seen that you've been involved with?
SERENDIPITY
Off the top of my head - everything. Well almost everything. For example:
I'm responsible for nine of the ten top grossing films of all time.
BETHANY
Nine?
SERENDIPITY
The one about the kid, by himself in his house; burglars trying to get in
and he fights them off?
(Bethany nods)
I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get
the grosses up on that piece of shit.
RUFUS
Which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing
stripping?
SERENDIPITY
Well you remember why I left, right?
RUFUS
You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for
your ideas.
SERENDIPITY
And sick of watching incapable people take brilliant inspiration and turn
out real trash.
(to Bethany)
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself. I gave my two weeks
notice. got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to make my
fortune.
BETHANY
So what happened?
SERENDIPITY
Writer's block.
RUFUS
Writer's block?
SERENDIPITY
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the
typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. 1 can't even write a
grocery list.
BETHANY
What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
SERENDIPITY
That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second,
but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
BETHANY
Whose?
SERENDIPITY
God's.
BETHANY
You're saying God's a woman.
SERENDIPITY
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
BETHANY
The possibility never presented itself. He's always referred to as a Him.
SERENDIPITY
I didn't write it that way My job stops at the idea stage. The person that
holds the pen adds their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men.
One of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the
editorial process.
RUFUS
Another one's that you can't jerk off.
SERENDIPITY
(to Bethany)
See. these being male-dominated times, the Pharisees and High Priests felt
threatened by the idea of a woman lording over them and controlling their
fates. so they made sure that She became a He Doesn't stop with God - the
whole book is slanted and gender-biased: a woman's responsible for the
first sin, the fall of man, and the expulsion from Eden. a woman cuts
Sampson's coif of power, a woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.
Read that book again some time - women are painted as bigger antagonists
than the fucking Egyptians and Romans combined.
BETHANY
(stunned)
God is a woman...
SERENDIPITY
I don't know what the big surprise is - women are the only gender that can
create life, just like God created the universe. Who else but a mother
could have the infinite patience with impudent children that God has with
humanity. A woman can give birth to and nurture both sexes, so
psychologists theorize that women are the only gender both sexes can feel
completely comfortable with; and the faithful - both male and female - feel
at ease with God. In time of trial, our first instinct is to implore the
aid of the Almighty, just as when you're a child, the only person who can
make it all better is...
BETHANY
...mom. God, it makes sense.
RUFUS
(to Serendipity)
Shit, you still have a knack for words.
SERENDIPITY
Not really useful in my new line of work.
RUFUS
What about that? Why'd you choose stripping?
SERENDIPITY
In an effort to create something artistic that I could claim as my own.
See, I've been able to fool myself into thinking this isn't stripping, it's
dancing; and at least dancing is artistic. But She won't even give me that
much - the way God designed dance, it's the only creative act which results
in no tangible product. Unlike paintings, poems, movies or most other arts
forms. when the dance is over, there's nothing to show for it - nothing to
save and enjoy... or sell.
(takes a drink)
Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on this muse.
RUFUS
How long are you going to keep this up?
SERENDIPITY
Believe me, I think about eating crow and going back to the grind from time
to time. But I'd hate to give Her the satisfaction of my playing the
prodigal. And it sucks because I can't stand being flesh anymore -
especially this halfway crap. Not only do I have to take care of the
aesthetic - the showers, the haircutting, the pit-shaving - but I can't
take advantage of the benefits - like getting laid or using my period as an
excuse not to get laid...
(conspiratorily to Bethany)
...the only true boon to having a period, from what I understand.
RLFLS
Well we could sure use your help. We need someone with good ideas. You
remember a couple of angels named Loki and Bartleby?
SERENDIPITY
Sure - the angel of death and his squeamish pal with a conscience.
RUFUS
They found a way back.
SERENDIPITY
(shocked)
God no. Not t |
