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DROP DEAD GORGEOUS

	DROP DEAD GORGEOUS


	FADE IN:

	EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MINNESOTA - DAY

	Vintage black and white stock footage of some farms and 
	farmhouses.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

	Color footage of cotton fields passing by.  We FREEZE and

								FADE TO BLACK.

	TITLE WIPES IN:

			1995 MARKED THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY

			OF THE NATION'S OLDEST BEAUTY CONTEST...

	THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS PAGEANT

			A DOCUMENTARY FILM CREW WAS SENT TO 

				A SMALL TOWN IN MINNESOTA 

				TO COMMEMORATE THIS OCCASSION.

	INT. PAGEANT AUDITORIUM - MOUNT ROSE - DAY

	Vintage blue-toned stock footage of a teenage beauty 
	pageant contestant.  LEGS WIPE IN.

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
		Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful 
		person....

	Blue-toned stock footage of a long row of beauty pageant 
	contestants on stage.

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
		Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual 
		talent.  Sarah Rose knows you're a 
		teenage girl.

	Blue-toned stock footage of the row of contestants 
	parading down some steps from the stage as CAMERA TILTS 
	DOWN.

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
		Mmm, and she definitely knows that you 
		are ready for the ultimate teen 
		glamour.

	ROUSING PATRIOTIC MUSIC.  FAST PACED CUTS feature SMILING 
	TEENAGE CONTESTANTS dancing and waving American flags.  
	APPLAUSE!

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER 
				(cont'd)
		The American Teen Princess Pageant.

	Each contestant wears a BANNER ACROSS her dress reading: 
	AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS.

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
		And now, a few words...

	ANGLE ON

	Contestants DROP, ROLL and form a STAR.  CHEERS!

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
		...from last year's host, Mr. Adam 
		West.

				ADAM WEST
		The American Teen Princess Pageant has 
		been enriching the lives of American-
		made girls since 1945.

	TITLES FADE ON SCREEN: Adam West, TV's Batman, then FADE 
	OUT.

				ADAM WEST (cont'd)
		The American Teen Princess Pageant 
		provides personal growth, scholarship, 
		travel, and you...

	Numerous contestants stand up in SHOT and SURROUND ADAM.

				ADAM WEST (cont'd)
		...might even meet a few celebrities.  
		At the national level, thousands of 
		seventeen year-old girls like 
		yourselves. and compete around the 
		country in places like:

				MALE PAGEANT ANNOUNCER 
				(O.S.)
		Beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota.

				ADAM WEST
		And make it all the way here to 
		Lincoln, Alabama, to compete for the 
		title of American Teen Princess.

	LIGHTS come UP on the teenaged girls in the pageant as 
	they pause.  As they WAVE AMERICAN FLAGS.  Adam West 
	turns back to the camera.

				ADAM WEST (cont'd)
		And now, a few words from last year's 
		host, Mr. Adam West.

	Contestants strike a pose around him.  THUNDEROUS CANNED 
	APPLAUSE!

				ADAM WEST (cont'd)
			(pointing to camera)
		So, which one of you will it b--

	SCREEN SUDDENLY STATIC.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

	SCENE from "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"

	PULL BACK to reveal the VIDEO is on a TV in front of a 
	GROUP OF SEVENTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRLS, sitting in gym 
	bleachers.

	[NOTE: The film is shot documentary style.  PEOPLE ARE 
	REAL.  Their lives revolve around this pageant.  All 
	speak with a THICK MINNESOTA ACCENT.]

	THREE "CIVIL SERVETTES," the local women's group.  
	[Picture unattractive Stepford Wives in matching 
	windbreakers] stand beside GLADYS LEEMAN, 34, president.  
	She STOPS THE VIDEO.

				GLADYS LEEMAN
		Good God, Iris, you taped your shows 
		over it.

				IRIS
		Sorry.

	Gladys turns to the GIRLS in the bleachers.

	SUPER:  MOUNT ROSE, MINNESOTA   POPULATION: 5,076

				GLADYS LEEMAN
		Now ladies, the rest of the tape - 
		which is now gone forever - goes on 
		about startin' this great American 
		journey we call American Teen 
		Princess...Yah-so, any of you young 
		ladies who'd like to start on that 
		journey, you just come right down here 
		and sign up.  And please...help 
		yourselves to some coffee and bars...

								SMASH EDIT TO:

	Gladys seated with middle-aged women.

				GLADYS
		Showtime.

	SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN, LOCAL CHAIRMAN, PAGEANT ORGANIZING 
	COMMITTEE.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Do you think that most people would 
		say that teenage beauty pageants are a 
		good idea?

				GLADYS
		Oh yah-sure, I know what some of your 
		big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged 
		women's libbers say, "Pageants are old-
		fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to 
		the girls --

				IRIS
			(jumping in)
		What's sick is women dressin' like 
		men!

	Civil Servettes stare at her a beat.

				GLADYS
		Uh... You betcha, Iris.
			(quickly, back to camera)
		Yah-I think yous boys'll find that 
		things are different here in Mount 
		Rose...

	Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		For one thing, y'know, we're God 
		fearin' folk - every last one of us...

	Civil Servettes AD-LIB AGREEMENT.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		You won't find a back room in our 
		video store...

	Servettes AD-LIB "AMEN.  YAH-YOU BETCHA." etc.

				GLADYS (cont'd) (V.O.)
		...that filth is better left in the 
		"Sin Cities."

				IRIS
		A.k.a. Minneapolis - St. Paul.

	PULL AWAY from MINNEAPOLIS SKYLINE to COUNTRYSIDE.

	EXT. QUAINT MAIN STREET

	The camera drives down the street.

	EXT. PICTURESQUE MIDDLE-CLASS NEIGHBORHOODS

	The camera drives down the street.

	EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

	A HAPPY FAMILY raises the AMERICAN FLAG.

	EXT. SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY

	BURLY GUYS look up from washing a FORD TRUCK.

	EXT. TRAILER PARK

	Sign next to it reads: "Welcome to Mount Rose, Home of 
	Freda Klinghagen, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran" 
	complete with a photo of the extremely old woman smiling 
	and waving.

	EXT. CREW VAN

	An ELDERLY COUPLE looks in the passenger window of the 
	van.

				ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR)
		Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah.  She was the 
		oldest livin' Lutheran.  Now she's 
		dead as a doornail.  It's them damn 
		Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn 
		sign down yet - those lazy sons-a-
		bitches... 
		I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn 
		year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign 
		down, you lazy sons-a-bitches!"

	SUPER: MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE

	INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY

	Through the window a family waves to Gladys.

	EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

	Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home.

	EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY

	SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn.  A boy 
	shoots his water pistol.

	INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON

	Civil Servettes and crew are piled in.  Gladys drives.

				GLADYS
		...Today's "To Do" list includes a 
		trip to the Mall of America.  We need 
		outfits for the "Physical Fitness" 
		number --

				IRIS
		Nothin' too showy!

				GLADYS
		Y'betcha, Iris.  We still need a third 
		judge and we need to think of a theme.

	Servettes react with pleasure.

				IRIS
		Gladys -- Gladys!  Look out!

	A CAR SWERVES.

				GLADYS
		Oh, my!
			(waving out window)
		Hello, Father Donigan!  Sidewalks, 
		sidewalks?

	Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug."

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Iris, stop!
			(to camera)
		It's not his fault.  The communal wine 
		just proves too temptin' for some of 
		them.

				IRIS
		That's why we Lutherans use grape 
		Koolaid for the blood of Christ.

	EXT. MALL OF AMERICA

	In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys 
	Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot.

				IRIS
		Oh, there's a parking space over 
		there.  Oh, no, that's just a compact.  
		Sorry.

				GLADYS
		You'd think they'd build the parking 
		lot of America to go with the Mall of 
		America!

	Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT.  Servettes and 
	CAMERA stand outside the car.  Iris points at the sign.

				IRIS
		It's a two-hundred dollar fine!

				GLADYS
		I said I'd move if a cripple came.  
		Let's just run in the store and pick 
		out some outfits.

				IRIS
		All right, let's go.

	EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT

	Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car.

				GLADYS
		Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! 
		Wait!  I just thought of the theme.

	Iris and the Servette stop.

				IRIS
		Oh!  What is it?

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		"Proud...to be...an...American."

	Servettes react with pleasure.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So what was the theme of the pageant 
		last year?

				GLADYS
		Last year?  It was, "Buy American."

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		And the year before that?

				GLADYS
		"U.S.A. is A-okay."

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Can you remember the theme of your 
		favorite pageant?

				GLADYS
		"Can I?  I'm Amer-I-Can!"  People ask 
		me where I get this.  I don't know, 
		it's...maybe a gift from God or 
		somethin'.

	INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GYM - DAY

	PAN DOWN row of EIGHT GIRLS signing up and eating bars.

	SUPER: LOCAL PAGEANT REGISTRATION, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL

	ANGLE ON

	LESLIE MILLER - sexy/peppy girl in CHEERLEADING UNIFORM.

				LESLIE MILLER
		...Hi.
			(giggles)
		I'm Leslie Miller.  I'm signin' up 
		kcause-ah, y'know, I always watch 
		pageants on the TV and my boyfriend 
		thinks I'll win.

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, LESLIE MILLER

	She makes "gills" on the sides of her head with her 
	hands.

				LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
		For my talent, I'm gonna be doing 
		the..

	Two FOOTBALL PLAYERS interrupt: PAT, her boyfriend, and 
	BRETT, who smiles and gives a nod to Amber.  Pat grabs 
	Leslie and kisses her hard.

				LESLIE (cont'd)
		Uh, Pat, I'm trying to tell themabout 
		my...Oh...

	Hormones take over and they lock lips again.  She wraps 
	her legs around him.  He feels up her ass.  They continue 
	groping as her Washington Monument slips off.

								CUT TO:

	Leslie waves and blows kisses while performing a 
	cheerleader chant.

				LESLIE MILLER (cont'd)
		Hi, Pat!  Go, Muskies!  Whoo!

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	AMBER ATKINS - naturally pretty blonde, sweet as sugar 
	pie, stares into camera like a deer caught in headlights.

				AMBER ATKINS
			(suddenly looking O.C.)
		Hi, I-I'm Amber Atkins and, um, I'm 
		signin' up k'cause, ah, my two 
		favorite people in the world competed.  
		My mom and Diane Sawyer...Course I 
		hope I end up a little more like Diane 
		Sawyer than my mom...

	She flashes a GRIN, we melt.

	INT. FUNERAL HOME/EMBALMING ROOM - DAY

	Amber tap-dances as she applies make-up to a MALE CORPSE.

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #1, AMBER ATKINS

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Do you do any of the, uh, embalming?

				AMBER
			(laughing)
		Oh, my God, no.  Oh, God.  I just do 
		the hair and makeup on the deceased.

	EXT. ROAD - DAY

	Amber tap dances at the side of the road as traffic 
	passes.

				AMBER (V.O.)
		I'm lucky I have an after-school job 
		where I can practice my talent.

	EXT. MOA PARKING LOT - DAY

				GLADYS
		Oh, yeah, sure.  You know, every 
		pageant is special, but this one is 
		extra-special to me.  When I was 
		seventeen, I don't know if you know 
		this, but I was crowned Mount Rose's 
		American Teen Princess.  And this 
		year...drum roll please, my lovely 
		daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman is 
		competin'.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL
	REBECCA LEEMAN stands in front of Amber and addresses the 
	camerman (O.S.).

				BECKY
		Is this my mark?
			(it is)
		Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman.  And I believe 
		this pageant is an important 
		experience for every young woman.  It, 
		well, it teaches you what's really 
		important in life, and it has the 
		power to change you in ways you've 
		never dreamed of.

	INT. GUN RANGE

	Becky, in shooting goggles and ear muffs, FIRES a Glock-
	17 9mm pistol with both hands.  Sign on wall reads: 
	"Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club."  (See Iona in b.g. with 
	an arsenal of sniper weaponry.)

				BECKY
			(yelling over noise)
		...What?!  Klinghagen thinks it'll all 
		come down to me and Amber?

	Becky stops firing and takes off her hear muffs.

				BECKY (cont'd)
		Well, you have to take everything Mrs. 
		Klinghagen says with a grain of salt.  
		Not all your Catholics go to communion 
		for the wafers, if you know what I 
		mean...

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. LUTHERAN SISTERHOOD GUN RANGE - LATER

	Becky thumbs bullets into her magazine as she talks.

				BECKY
		...Yah-my mom gave me this nine-mil 
		for my thirteenth birthday... 

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #6, BECKY LEEMAN
		
		I'll always remember what she wrote in 
		the card.  "Jesus loves winners."  
		That's why, no matter what I do...

	She shoves the magazine back in her pistol.

				BECKY (cont'd)
		I aim to win.

	She smiles to camera, then violently fires off a few 
	rounds.  Zoom in on the MALE TARGET: several bullet holes 
	in the head.

	INT. "NEW YORK, NEW YORK" BEDROOM - DAY

	It's all NEW YORK MEMORABILIA.  Lisa Swenson - big bubbly 
	girl - sits on her bed.

				LISA
		Why?  Well, uh, it's kind of like 
		askin', "Why do all the guys chew 
		Copenhagen?"  You know?  I mean, if 
		you're seventeen and you're not a 
		total fry, it's just what you do.

	ETHEL MERMAN's "Everything's Coming Up Roses" PLAYS over 
	speakers.

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #7, LISA SWENSON

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Have you decided what your talent is 
		going to be yet?

				LISA
		I'm gonna sing and dance to, "New 
		York, New York."  See, I fell in love 
		with The Big Apple last summer when I 
		was visitin' my brother.  He followed 
		his dream to New York.

	PICKS UP 8x10's, shows to camera.

				LISA (cont'd)
		This is Peter as Liza.  This is him as 
		Madonna.  Oh, here's me with him as 
		Barbara...

	INT. "GERMAN SHEPHERD" BEDROOM - DAY

	TESS WEINHAUS, wearing an "I love German Shepherds" t-
	shirt.  The room is filled with German Shepherd 
	paraphernalia.

				TESS
		Uh... I don't know what my talent's 
		gonna be yet...

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #3, TESS WEINHAUS

				TESS (cont'd)
		Kenny.  Kenny, come.  Come, Kenny.

	A DACHSHUND enters and jumps on her lap.

				TESS (cont'd)
		This is Kenny.  Spike, my German 
		Shepherd, went to live with a nice 
		family on a farm after he attacked me.  
		It wasn't his fault.  I had beef jerky 
		in my front pocket.
			(pulling up shirt)
		They re-made my belly with skin from 
		my butt.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY - DAY

	IONA HILDERBRANDT - librarian, 65+ - stamps books.

	SUPER: IONA HILDERBRANDT, MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN 
	PRINCESS - 1945

				IONA HILDERBRANTDT
			(smoked for sixty years)
		I was Mount Rose American Teen 
		Princess in 1945.  We were at war with 
		the Japs.

	ANGLE ON

	A vintage B&W photograph of 18-year-old IONA 
	HILDERBRANDT, looking surprised with hands on cheeks, is 
	being crowned MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS by TWO 
	SOLDIERS on a GYM STAGE.

	YOUNG IONA, wearing TIARA, stands with SOLDIERS and WAR 
	OFFICIALS beside a boiling pot of metal.

				IONA HILDERBRANTDT (V.O.) 
				(cont'd)
		I didn't even get to keep my damn 
		tiara. 

	Iona's about to drop her tiara into a recycling bin.

				IONA HILDERBRANTDT (cont'd)
		Had to turn it in for scrap.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM

	MOLLY HOWARD, a large white girl, sits between a JAPANESE 
	COUPLE, Mr. and Mrs. HOWARD.

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #5, MOLLY HOWARD

				MR. HOWARD
			(heavy accent)
		... So we adopt Molly three year ago 
		when we come to America, to help 
		acclimate us to American.

				MOLLY
			(smiling)
		To America, Dad.

	Mr. Howard laughs.

				MRS. HOWARD
		She all-American girl.  She our 
		American Teen Princess girl.

				MOLLY
		Oh, Mom...

	The Howard's biological daughter (they renamed her 
	"TINA") ENTERS FRAME.  Although she's the picture of 
	beauty, grace, talent and charm, she represents their old 
	life.

				TINA
			(in Japanese)
		Excuse me, Father, Mother, when are we 
		moving back to Tokyo?  I can't stand 
		this place anymore.  They put butter 
		on everything.

				MR. HOWARD
			(turning, suddenly angry)
		English!  English, you stupid little 
		retard!  We America now, Tina!

				TINA
			(perfect English)
		I'm sorry, Dad, but with all due 
		respect, my name isn't "Tina," it's 
		Seiko.

				MR. HOWARD
		Tina! Tina!! TINA!!!

				MRS. HOWARD
		"Robert," settle down.

				MR. HOWARD
			(screaming)
		AHHHHHH!

	Mr. Howard suddenly grabs his chest.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

	Same scene.  Mr. Howard is gone.

				TINA
		Mom, I just finished the third 
		movement of that concerto I was 
		working on.  I put, like, this techno 
		beat on this Japanese folk tune - 
		wanna hear it?

				MR. HOWARD
			(running down the hall)
		No!  We not like to hear it!  Go to 
		your room and shut up!

				TINA
		Oh, I almost forgot...
			(removing envelope from 
			pocket)
		I got my acceptance to Tokyo 
		University.

				MR. HOWARD
		What, you deaf?  I say shut up-shut up-
		SHUT UP!
			(coming at camera)
		Cut her outta this!

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. MOLLY HOWARD'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

	Same scene on couch.

				MR. HOWARD
		Now Molly, tell movie man what you 
		talent do.

				MOLLY
		I'll be line dancin'.

				MR. HOWARD
			(giving thumbs up)
		Country western!

				MRS. HOWARD
		Clint Black!  Ruff!

				MR. HOWARD
		Hey, what he got I not got?

	They all laugh.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

	CLOSE ON Michelle Johanson's face.

				MICHELLE
		... Yah-I'll be performing a dramatic 
		monologue.

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #2, MICHELLE JOHANSON

				MICHELLE (cont'd)
		Right now, I'm thinkin' "Othello" 
		or... 
		"Soylent Green."  Lots of girls make a 
		smooth transition from pageants into 
		actin', y'know.

								SMASH CUT TO:

	LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

	CONNIE, mid-30's, Midwestern attractive, wearing a sash 
	and tiara, stands in front of a BLUE SCREEN of a FOREST.

				CONNIE
		Competin' for the title of Minnesota's 
		American Teen Princess sure was 
		excitin'.  But, I never coulda won 
		without my...

	PULL BACK to reveal a table full of PORK PRODUCTS. 

				CONNIE (cont'd)
		St. Paul Pork Products!

	LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

	SCREEN CHANGES to OUTSIDE FACTORY/STOCK YARDS.  Connie 
	now wears a coat and hat and acts as if it's chilly.

				CONNIE (cont'd)
		I've been enjoyin' St. Paul Pork 
		Products for years.  I grew up right 
		next to these stock yards.

	SCREEN CHANGES to VIDEO of a SLAUGHTER LINE.  PIG 
	CARCASSES move on hooks.  Connie wears a hard hat and 
	blood stained butcher's apron.

				CONNIE (cont'd)
		It's still the same family-run 
		business that Walter and Vera Polarski 
		started in 1920 when they raised and 
		slaughtered their first pig.

	Connie grabs a HOT DOG from O.C. and takes a bite.

				CONNIE (cont'd)
		Mmm-mmmm.  I just love St. Paul Pork 
		Products.  In fact, I love kem so much

	LOCAL TV COMMERCIAL (VIDEO)

	SLIDE CHANGES to VIDEO of the SAUSAGE LINE.  Workers 
	stuff sausages.  Connie wears a white jumpsuit and 
	hairnet.

				CONNIE (cont'd)
		I work here now!

	INT. BETZ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

	MRS. BETZ, a large woman, holds a tray of bars.  CREW 
	MEMBERS REACH IN THE SHOT and help themselves.  JANELLE 
	BETZ sits on the couch, SIGNING EVERYTHING she says.

				JANELLE
			(slow, due to signing)
		...My talent will be an interpretive 
		dance while I sing, "Through the Eyes 
		of Love."  I have a dream of spreadin' 
		sign language around the world... Mom?  
		Would you be so kind?

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #8, JANELLE BETZ

				JANELLE (cont'd)
		Yeah.  Well, see, uh, I have a dream 
		of spreading sign language around the 
		world.
			(to Mrs. Betz)
		Mom, would you be so kind.

	Mrs. Betz quickly puts down the bars and goes to the 
	piano where she starts "Through the Eyes of Love."  
	Janelle begins to gesticulate and sign words in an overly 
	dramatic performance that looks like a bizarre seizure.  
	SOUND occasionally DIPS OUT as the BOOM OPERATOR reaches 
	for bars.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

	TAMMY CURRY - a cute, jock-type.  She wears a LETTER 
	JACKET, covered with VARSITY SPORTS PATCHES.

				TAMMY CURRY
		Tammy Curry.  I'm signin' up for the 
		scholarship'n'all.

								SMASH CUT TO:

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	She POINTS to VARIOUS PATCHES on her LETTER JACKET.

				TAMMY CURRY (cont'd)
		...This one's for Varsity Soccer, uh, 
		I'm captain.  
			(pointing)
		I run track, and, uh...
			(points to small gun patch)
		Right here, I'm the new President of 
		the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club...

	ANGLE ON

	LSGC PRESIDENT logo patch.

				TAMMY CURRY (cont'd) (O.S.)
		I love that one.

	EXT. FARM FIELD

	Shot from crew van.  Sun is setting behind a lovely field 
	of green.  A John Deere Thresher travels across the 
	burning red horizon.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (V.O.)
		Would you say you have a good chance 
		to win this pageant?

	SUPER: CONTESTANT #9, TAMMY CURRY

				TAMMY (V.O.)
		Yeah, you bet I do.  I mean, maybe 
		other people think I can't win a 
		beauty pageant.  But other people 
		didn't think I could beat out Becky 
		Leeman for President of the gun club, 
		either.  And I did.  I-I-It's just 
		like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a 
		winner.  Nobody can stop me but me!"

	

	KABLOOM!  Tammy's John Deere thresher BLOWS UP!

	INT. LUTHERAN CHURCH BASEMENT - KITCHEN AREA - NIGHT

	CLOSE ON framed school photo of Tammy Curry.  PULL BACK 
	to see her letter jacket - scorched and torn (Lutheran 
	Gun Club patch is MISSING) - and flowers.  CONTINUE 
	PULLING BACK to reveal both are surrounded by buns, bars 
	and coffee on a long buffet table.  A line of somber and 
	repressed Lutherans help themselves to the food.  
	Servettes stand at the ready.  Gladys and Iris face the 
	camera.

				GLADYS
		Well, you know, I think everyone's 
		doing really well considering the fact 
		that she was so young.

				IRIS
		It's always hard to see the young ones 
		called home, especially on an 
		exploding thresher.  It's just so odd 
		and gross.

				GLADYS
		You know that sometimes it's hard to 
		understand God's great plan.

				IRIS
		Yeah.

	Iris pats Gladys on the shoulder.

				FEMALE MOURNER #1
		May I have a tissue?

				GLADYS
		But the show must go on.
			(she faces Iris)
		I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him 
		if we can use that barn light as a 
		spot again.  So you watch the Jell-o 
		salad, okay?

				IRIS
		All right.  Okay.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

	It's smokey as hell.  THREE "FRY" GIRLS and a PREGNANT 
	"FRY" GIRL - all with "shelf bangs" - smoke and drink.

				FRY GIRL #1
		...Oh, yeah-right.  I ain't gonna be 
		in no goddamn pageant!  Look what 
		happened to that dork-ass farm girl.

				PREGNANT FRY GIRL (O.C.)
		Tammy Curry?

				FRY GIRL #1
		Yah-yah.  Everyone says this is a big 
		accident?  She got iced because she 
		wins everything, and this time someone 
		didn't want her to win.

				PREGNANT FRY GIRL
		This pageant's like a roach motel.

				FRY GIRL #1
		Girls check in, but they don't check 
		out.

				PREGNANT FRY GIRL
		Yeah.  And they say smokin' is bad for 
		your health.

				FRY GIRL #1
			(raising cigarette into 
			frame)
		Yeah.

	EXT. OLD TWO STORY HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - DAY

	SIGN painted on GARAGE DOOR: "Dance Studio, Downstairs 
	past the Laundry Room."

	CAMERA moves DOWNSTAIRS to converted basement.  LISA 
	SWENSON and two other large "ballerinas" practice at a 
	2x4/ballet barre.  MOZART plays in the b.g.  CHLORIS 
	KLINGHAGEN watches and smokes.  (Picture Betty Davis in 
	her final days.)

				CHLORIS
		And tendu.  Close.  Tendu.  Close. 
		Tendu.  Close.  Plie.  And repeat.  
		Suck in the belly, girls, and tuck in 
		the tushes!

	SUPER: CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN, CHOREOGRAPHER

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		Close those legs!  You look like a 
		bunch of bowlegged cows!  Other side.  
		And...tendu.  Close.  Tendu.  Close.  
		Tendu.  Close.  Plie.

								CUT TO:

	Chloris smokes and talks to camera.  "Ballerinas" 
	practice.

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		Yeah, you boys sure picked a good 
		year.  If I was a betting woman, and 
		there was a line on this in Vegas, I'd 
		lay down ten-to-one that it all comes 
		down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.  
		Oh, sweet Jesus, what a showdown this 
		could be if Cain and Abel...

	The SOUND RECORDIST enters and Lisa spins out of control, 
	taking him out.  She leans over and comforts him.

				LISA
		Ow!  Oh, God.  It's so em-so 
		embarrassing.

	EST. SHOT - "DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC" - DAY

				MARY (V.O.)
			(labored breaths)
		My winning...the Mount Rose...

	INT. PATIENT'S ROOM - DAY

	SMILING ANOREXIC GIRL sits in bed - a TIARA in what's 
	left of her hair and a SASH over her hospital gown.

				MARY
		...American Teen Princess Pageant...

	SUPER: MARY JOHANSON, REIGNING MOUNT ROSE AMERICAN TEEN 
	PRINCESS

				MARY (cont'd)
		...really changed my life.

	The TIARA SLIPS OFF her BALDING HEAD and rolls to the 
	floor.

	INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

	Amber fixes Mary's hair, carefully brushing her balding 
	head.  Mary smiles, oblivious.

				MARY
			(labored breaths)
		...Amber does my hair...once a week.

				AMBER
			(flattered and embarrassed)
		Well...it's the least I can do for the 
		reigning Mount Rose Junior Miss Amer--

	Amber pulls the brush away with a clump of Mary's hair 
	dangling from it.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Oh God...

				MARY
		What?

				AMBER
		Huh?  Oh...Uh, just a little snarl...

	Amber mouths, "Shhh!  Don't tell!" to camera as she tries 
	to pull the clump of hair from the brush.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

	Amber ties the tiara and missing clump of hair to Mary's 
	head with a ribbon.

				AMBER
		There we go.

	She holds the mirror for Mary.

				MARY
			(delusional)
		Beautiful... Maybe next week... a 
		perm.

				AMBER
		Yah... sure...

	Amber gives a kind but worried smile to camera.  
	Suddenly, Becky Leeman enters with a large box of 
	chocolates.  She's fully aware of the cameras from the 
	moment she enters.

				BECKY
		Hellooo, Little Mary Sunshine!
			(pretending to notice camera)
		What?!  Oh-oh my God!  Lights!  
		Camera!  And me without a stitch of 
		make-up on.  What are you guys doin' 
		here?

	She's in full make-up.

				AMBER
		What're you doin' here?

				BECKY
		Oh, Amber, like you're the only one 
		who visits Mary.

				MARY
			(to Becky)
		Who are you?

				BECKY
			(covering)
		"Who are you?!"  Oh Mary, you kill me.
			(to camera)
		She always says that.  It's a little 
		game we play.  Every week - same dippy 
		little look on her face.  "Who are you 
		- who are you?"  Just like that.
			(in Mary's face)
		It's me - Becky - and I brought your 
		favorites.

	Becky puts the chocolates on Mary's lap, a few spill.  
	Throughout the following, Mary slowly reaches for them as 
	if they're forbidden fruit and she's a very hungry Eve.

				AMBER
		How nice, Becky, she's anorexic.

	Becky roughly puts her hands over Mary's ears, who's now 
	gently petting the spilled chocolates in her lap.

				BECKY
			(sotto, reprimanding tone)
		She's skinny, not deaf, Amber.

	EXT. TRAILER - LATE AFTERNOON

	MONTAGE - Amber taps around the mobile home community, 
	HOME FROM SCHOOL - backpack, Walkman, cool music blaring.

	INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

	Amber stands in a room the SIZE OF A CLOSET.  Posters, 
	articles and pictures of great tap dancers and Diane 
	Sawyer cover the walls.

				AMBER
		... Dreams?  Yah-sure I got kem... 
		Sometimes I dream of winnin'... I 
		dream of gettin' outta Mount Rose and 
		bein' a big time reporter like Diane 
		Sawyer.  I mean, guys get outta Mount 
		Rose all the time for hockey 
		scholarships or prison.  But the 
		pageant's kinda my only chance.

		
	INT. TRAILER - AMBER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

	Amber points to LARGE PAGEANT PHOTO OF DIANE SAWYER - 
	1963

				AMBER
		... Yah-1963.  Her beauty worked 
		against her when she started as a 
		reporter in Louisville, her hometown.  
		Those were different times.

				ANNETTE (O.S.)
			(yelling, coughing)
		Hey, Amber, y'get my smokes?

				AMBER
			(smiling)
		That's my mom.
			(yelling)
		I'll get kem in a sec.

	ANNETTE ATKINS, Amber's mom - sexy, but tired - OPENS THE 
	DOOR.

				ANNETTE
			(surprised by cameras)
		Oh shit!

				AMBER
		They're from L.A.  They wanted to see 
		my room and film me for their movie.

				ANNETTE
			(mock-touched, to crew)
		Oh... How quickly they grow up.
			(exiting, smiling)
		Hey, if they ask you to take off your 
		shirt, get the money first.

	Annette is gone.

				ANNETTE (cont'd) (O.S.)
		And go get my smokes!

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EST. SHOT - LEEMAN FAMILY HOME - DAY

	Landscaped grounds surround this lovely two-story.

	INT. LEEMAN HOME - VARIOUS ROOMS

	Brief "LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH & FAMOUS" montage of Gladys 
	showing off interiors to the theme from "GONE WITH THE 
	WIND."

	INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY

	It looks like a Levitz showroom.  Gladys sits stiffly 
	between Becky and her husband, LESTER - mid-60's, gruff, 
	"old school" salesman, drink in hand.

				LESTER
		...You betcha.  S'posed to be colder-n-
		a witches tit tonight...

				GLADYS
			(nervous laugh)
		Oh, Lester.  He loves his weather, 
		y'know.

				LESTER
			(looking to crew, O.S.)
		Hey, ya like it?  Open it...Yah-the 
		globe.  Pull at the equator there.

				GLADYS
		We're not in the showroom, Dear.

	Banging and fumbling.  A CORKSCREW flies into shot - CREW 
	GUY quickly ENTERS SHOT and grabs it.

				LESTER
		Fits three full-size booze bottles.  
		The cassette deck pulls outta 
		Afghanistan, there.

				BECKY
			(embarrassed)
		Mommm...

				GLADYS
		Lester?

				LESTER
		Oh, all right
			(to camera)
		How soon they forget where all this 
		comes from.

				BECKY
		Japan.

				LESTER
		That's enough, young lady.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER

				GLADYS
		"Impartial?"  Outside this house I'm 
		Gladys Leeman, President, Civil 
		Servettes - impartial as the day is 
		long.  But we're inside my home now 
		and I've gotta warn you, I'm wearin' 
		my "wife apron" and "mom hat."  So, I 
		can safely say that I'm the mother of 
		the most talented contestant Mount 
		Rose has ever seen.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. LEEMAN HOME - LIVING ROOM - LATER

	Lester's gone from the couch.

				GLADYS
		I'll field that one - Rebecca's saving 
		her voice.

	Becky smiles admiringly at Gladys.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		You-betcha, Rebecca's ready.  She's 
		been singin' and dancin' since she was 
		knee high to a pig's eye.

	Lester returns to the couch, large drink in hand.

				LESTER
		Yah-she's damn near as good as that 
		little black fella - with the glass 
		eye.

				GLADYS
		Sammy Davis, Jr., honey.

				LESTER
		Yeah, yeah, the Jew.

				BECKY
		Nice one, Dad.  He's dead.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Same scene.  BOYS' WRESTLING TEAM - tight singlets - runs 
	laps around gym - between Servettes and camera.  

				GLADYS
		...Yah-then, for the "Judges 
		Interview," each girl has a ten minute 
		get-together with the judges before 
		the pageant...

	Gladys is distracted by the HARD, YOUNG bodies.  All are.

				GLADYS
		Yes, the Judges Interview.. Each girl 
		has a ten minute get-together with the 
		judges prior to the pageant.  Then we 
		have the...

	A HUNKY WRESTLER, TONY, waves.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Hello, Tony.

				TONY
		Hey.

				GLADYS
		"Hey" to the folks.

				TONY
		Yeah, all right.

				IRIS
		The Judges Interview.

	EXT. DRUGSTORE - MAIN STREET - DAY

	JOHN DOUGH - pharmacist, 30-ish, thin, nervous - chain 
	smokes outside the drugstore.

	SUPER: JUDGE #1, JOHN DOUGH

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of 
		pageants over the years?

				JOHN
		Nope.  No.  Uh-uh.  Never judged a 
		pageant before in my life.  Nope.  No 
		way.  Never around young girls.  Even 
		if I was, why would I wanna be, 
		y'know?  I-I-I don't get off on that 
		kinda thing and that's really why 
		you're askin', right?  S-someone say 
		somethin'?

	EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - MAIN STREET - DAY

	HAROLD - owner, late 40's - stands in front of this 
	grubby little store front with his MILDLY RETARDED 
	BROTHER, HANK, who SNIFFS and MUMBLES CONSTANTLY.

	SUPER: JUDGE #2, HAROLD VILMES

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Do you judge the pageant every year?

				HAROLD
		...Nope.  Never judged nothin' afore -- 

				HANK
			(pointing at camera)
		Are we on "Cops?" Are we on "Cops?" 
		Are we on "Cops?"

				HAROLD
		Shut up, Hank.  This here's business.

	Harold CUFFS Hank.

				HANK
		Ow, Harold - Mom said not the head.

				HAROLD
		Well, Mom's dead, so shut your fly 
		trap.

				HANK
		I will if you shut your piehole.

				HAROLD
		Don't make me kick-ya where the good 
		Lord split-ya.

	Harold raises his hand, Hank FLINCHES and
	EXT. HAROLD'S HARDWARE HANK - LATER

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So are you excited?

				HAROLD
		...Oh you betcha!  We're happier than 
		the day Hanky got acquitted.  I get 
		made a judge, then the furniture store 
		hires us to paint the whole damn 
		thing.
			(removing cap)
		We're gonna use the money to get our 
		mamma a proper headstone.  Oh, and 
		move her out to the cemetery.

	Suddenly, Hank runs full speed into the window.  BAM!  He 
	falls to the ground inside.

	INT. LEEMAN FURNITURE SHOWROOM - DAY

	Follow Lester around cheesy room displays.  JEAN KANGAS, 
	his meek, middle-aged secretary follows him everywhere.  
	Lester CALLS OUT to a YOUNG COUPLE sitting in a dining 
	room.

				LESTER
		Hey Tim, Carla - if yous kids don't 
		try to Jew me down none, I'll throw in 
		a matchin' hutch.

	The COUPLE smiles excitedly.

				LESTER (cont'd)
			(to camera)
		See, that there's my specialty.  Don't 
		pay me less and I'll give ya more. 
			(sotto)
		Secret is, the hutch is included in 
		the price.  Ain't that right, Jean?

	Lester smacks Jean on the ass.

	SUPER: JUDGE #3, JEAN KANGAS.

				LESTER (cont'd)
		Take a memo, sweetheart.

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR

	REHEARSAL MONTAGE BEGINS OVER MUSIC.

	Contestants run out the side door as if running on stage.  
	Tess Weinhaus trips and falls, causing a chain reaction.

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - GARAGE DOOR - LATER

	Now contestants run out carrying small wooden step 
	ladders.  As they reach the CHORUS LINE, they set the 
	ladder down and LEAP FROG over.

	SUPER: FIRST DANCE REHEARSAL - 1 WEEK BEFORE PAGEANT

				CHLORIS
		Four, five, six, seven.  And one.

	Tess runs out, sets her ladder down, jumps and hits mid-
	crotch.  She then slides painfully down to the ground.

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		Put that chair away!  Get it!  Come 
		on!  Get it!

	Amber TWIRLS perfectly.

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		All right.  Let's got.  Let's go.

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

	PAN ACROSS NEIGHBORS' sitting in lawn chairs, enjoying 
	the music and the show.  END ON JOHN DOUGH, leaning 
	against his car, smoking and holding a video camera at 
	his side.

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN

	PAN DOWN row doing a seated chorus line on ladders.  Most 
	suck.  Amber and Becky look great.  Tess sits on the 
	grass with a bag of ice on her crotch.

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN HOUSE - SIDEWALK

	On John Dough, beside his car.

				JOHN
		I'm just out here watching the young 
		girls - contestants - like the rest of 
		my friends and neighbors...

	John quickly turns and starts to pry the hood open.

	ANGLE ON

	Pat and Brett watch the girls.  Pat admires Amber's 
	moves.

				PAT
			(re: Amber)
		Are you gettin' her?  Uh, the third 
		one, the blonde one.

				BRETT
		Hey.

				PAT
		See?  Right over there.  Right over 
		there.

	Brett slaps Pat on the back.

				BRETT
		Leave him alone, leave him alone.  
		It's okay.  

	EXT. CHLORIS KLINHAGEN'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN

	John, his car hood open, is caught aiming his video 
	camera at the girls performing a dance.  They wear 
	partially constructed U.S. Monument Headdresses.  

				JOHN
		Oh, this is just a...camera.  I keep 
		it in the glove compartment for car 
		accidents.  Insurance... You guys got 
		a camera and no one's accusin' you of 
		anything, right?

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN

	Move through kitchen.  LUNCH LADIES haul, serve and 
	prepare food.  Pan over to Amber, who's unhappily 
	scraping and spraying lunch trays as they're dropped off 
	at her window.  Becky, flirting her ass off, comes to the 
	window with Brett, handsome football player we saw 
	before.  Both carry trays.

				BECKY
		So, Brett, do you wanna go to the lake 
		with me on Thursday?

				BRETT
		Um, actually, I got practice on 
		Thursday.

				BECKY
		...Yah-well, maybe Friday, then.  A 
		bunch of us were gonna go cow-tippin'.

	SUPER: BRETT CLEMMENS, CAPTAIN, MOUNT ROSE HIGH SCHOOL 
	FOOTBALL TEAM

				BRETT
			(seeing Amber)
		Uh, I-uh-I'm kinda busy Friday.

	Amber looks up to see Brett looking at her.  He smiles.  
	She smiles.  You can feel the attraction.  Amber becomes 
	girlishly self-conscious -- adjusting her rubber apron 
	and brushing hair out of her eyes with her big rubber 
	gloves.

				BRETT (cont'd)
			(to Amber)
		Hi...

				AMBER
		Hi.

	Becky notices their attraction and goes from flirt to 
	uber-bitch in a heartbeat.

				BECKY
		Giver her your tray, Brett.  You're 
		holdin' up the line.

	Brett looks at Beck, then at Amber, not wanting to make 
	her clean his tray.

				BRETT
		Uh...

				BECKY
		Give it to her!

				AMBER
		Here, I'll take it.  It's my job.

				BRETT
		NO...
			(looking at Becky)
		It's all right.  I got it.  Don't 
		worry about it.

	He takes the sprayer from a surprised Amber and starts to 
	clean off his own tray.  Becky can't believe his 
	defiance.

				AMBER
		Well, you're supposed to put it in 
		the...

	Becky THROWS her tray on the counter spraying Amber with 
	food as she storms off.

				BRETT (cont'd)
		Oh man, you got leutefisk in your 
		hair.

				AMBER
		Then it must be Wednesday.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY

	Same scene as "funeral bun" explanation.

				IONA
		Leutefisk is Cod Fish that's been 
		salted and soaked in lye for a week or 
		so.  It's best with lots-a butter.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - KITCHEN

	Same scene.  Brett removes the offending leutefisk.

				BRETT
		So, uh, I-I'm not really busy Friday.  
		I just said that - y'know.

				AMBER
		I know.

				BRETT
		So if, uh, you wanted to do 
		somethin'...

				AMBER
		
				AMBER/BRETT
		Huntin' season.

	Shocked at the coincidence, they share a laugh.

				BRETT
		Well, uh, I'm cuttin' out early today 
		to do a little duck huntin'...but, uh, 
		maybe I could call you tonight.

				AMBER
		Yah-sure, fine...fine.

				BRETT
		Okay...well, bye.

				AMBER
		Bye.

	Amber smiles, gives a shy little wave - then, to camera.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Oh, God - you don't think Becky saw 
		you guys, do you?
			(nervously looking around)
		Look, you just shouldn't be in here...

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		It's okay.  Doreen gave us hair nets.

				AMBER
		No, listen.
			(whispering as she exits)
		We shouldn't talk here.  Stop by my 
		house tonight, okay?

	She looks around and motions them to rush off.

	EXT. HIGHWAY NEAR TRAILER PARK - EVENING

	From the CREW VAN we pass the crappy trailer homes that 
	are off the Highway.  (Patsy Cline's "King Of The Road" 
	PLAYS on the radio).

	EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING

	Camera approaches the trailer.  SIGN on the door reads 
	"Annette's Family Hair Care."

	Inside, the kitchen has been turned into a mini hair 
	salon.  Annette gives Loretta, neighbor, mid-50's - a 
	bouffant.

				LORETTA
		What do you mean, they take out her 
		butt?

				ANNETTE
			(seeing camera in window)
		Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

				LORETTA
		Are we on "Cops" again?

				ANNETTE
		You could be quiet.

				LORETTA
		Hi.

				ANNETTE
		Hi.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. ATKINS TRAILER - MOMENTS LATER

				ANNETTE
		It's just the guys that are...you 
		know, makin' the movie about the 
		pageant.  I told you about kem.

				LORETTA
		Oh, naw.  Hi.

				ANNETTE
		This here's Loretta.

				LORETTA
		I tell Annette, I says, "You talk to 
		me durin' my stories, you might as 
		well be talkin' to the wall."
			(then)
		You guys want a beer?

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		No, thank you.  Is Amber here?

				ANNETTE
		No.  You just missed her.  Amber got 
		called in to the bone gardens tonight.  
		You just missed her.  She's in a 
		helluva mood today, anyways.

				LORETTA
		Say, yous boys been to the Leeman's?

				ANNETTE
		Loretta, shut it.

				LORETTA
		Y'know, if you have, you got all the 
		pictures of the winner you need.

				ANNETTE
		Shut it up, Loretta.

				LORETTA
		Oh, Christ, it's true.

	Annette begins to comb out Loretta's hair.

				LORETTA
			(drinking beer)
		Let's just say who should win, who 
		deserves to win is Amber.

				ANNETTE
			(mumbled to self)
		Why don't you paint a big red target 
		on your ass, Loretta.

				LORETTA
		She's the prettiest, y'know.  The best 
		damn tapper.  The most smartest...

				ANNETTE
		"Most smartest?"  Oh, that's good, 
		Loretta.  Make sure you get a picture 
		of that.  "Most smartest."  We're 
		cuttin you off and sendin' you home.

	Annette takes Loretta's beer, starts to push her out.

				LORETTA
		Well, excuse me, Annette, but I'm 
		braggin' up your kid, here.
			(to crew)
		Amber's gonna be the next Diane 
		Sawyer, y'know...

				ANNETTE
		I'll be right back.  See ya later.

	CAMERA follows Annette and Loretta.

				ANNETTE (cont'd)
		They're makin' a movie, here, goddamn 
		it.

				LORETTA
		All right, they're makin' a movie.

				ANNETTE
		You don't know where this is gonna...

				LORETTA
		I got a hairdo.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EXT./INT. ATKINS TRAILER - EVENING

	Loretta holds onto the door frame so Annette can't push 
	her out.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		What makes you think that Becky's 
		going to win?

				LORETTA
		Why do I think Becky'll win?  You're 
		talkin'...
			(to Annette)
		Don't pinch!.
			(back into camera)
		You're talkin' kbout the richest 
		family in a small town.  It's front 
		page news when one of kem takes a 
		shit.
			(she laughs hard)
		Can one of yous boys give me a ride 
		home?

				ANNETTE
		Don't fall for it.  She lives two 
		trailers down.

				LORETTA
		So?  Be real easy.

				ANNETTE
		Go on home, Loretta.  Come on.  Go on, 
		the party's over.

				LORETTA
		Anyone?

	INT. LARSON FUNERAL HOME - HALLWAY - NIGHT

	A small sign on the door reads: "EMBALMING - Please 
	Knock!"

	PUSH INTO ROOM.  Amber, back to us, frantically applies 
	blusher to an OLD WOMAN.  Another BODY, covered with a 
	white sheet, is on the embalming slab.  The top and brim 
	of a HUNTING CAP can be seen.  She TURNS AROUND to see 
	the crew.

				AMBER (cont'd)
			(surprised)
		Ahhh!  Je-sus-Christ-on-a-cross!
			(catching breath)
		Look, number one rule in a funeral 
		home - never sneak up on the livin'.  
		You never know who could have an 
		embalming needle or skull saw in their 
		hand.  Mr. Larson's son learned that 
		the hard way - he's buried next to my 
		Grandpa!

	Amber turns to the slab to continue working.  She pulls 
	off the SHEET to reveal BRETT, handsome football player, 
	still wearing his hunting plaid.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
	
				AMBER
			(covering real emotions)
		Upset about Brett?  Nah.  Hazard of 
		the trade.  I don't really have time 
		for guys anyways.  It's weird, though.  
		He took it right between the eyes.  
		Don't often see that.

	EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY

	Becky thumbs bullets into a 12-gauge pump shotgun.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So you know, Brett just got shot in 
		the head.

				BECKY
			(cool as a cucumber)
		He did?  Well, huntin's 
		dangerous...So, anyways, my mom gave 
		me this 30-aught for my sixteenth 
		birthday...

	INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

	Amber wipes her eyes when Mr. Larson bursts in.

				MR. LARSON
		Amber, I need Stella now!

	SUPER: MR. LARSON, OWNER, LARSON FUNERAL PARLOR

				MR. LARSON (cont'd)
		The family's steamin' like a cow pie 
		in July.  Said she didn't look nothin' 
		like the picture they gave you.

	Amber turns from Brett and closes the coffin.

				AMBER
		Sorry.  I just thought she might not 
		wanna meet her Maker lookin' like a 
		cheap whore.

				MR. LARSON
		Well, your "cheap whore" is this 
		family's "lovin' mother."
			(pointing at Brett)
		The Clemens said to make him look like 
		he just came from snowmobilin'.  Pink 
		cheeks, and...

				AMBER
			(starting to mist up)
		-- red nose and ears.  I know, I know.

	Mr. Larson PULLS Stella's coffin out.

	INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

	An obviously upset Amber puts make-up on Brett.

				AMBER
		Sorry I couldn't talk today 
		kcause...I'm scared, okay?
			(deep breath)
		I open my locker right after first 
		period and there's a picture of Tammy 
		Curry taped inside.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

	Amber holds up a snapshot of a SMILING GIRL on a 
	THRESHER.

				AMBER
		This was written on back.

	She turns the picture over to reveal, "YOU'RE NEXT!"

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

	TWIN OFFICERS lean against their car.  One prepares to 
	pack some snuff.

				TWIN OFFICER #1
		Oh-yah, helluva way to go, there.  
		After some extensive investigation, we 
		figure the Curry girl musta been 
		drivin' and smokin' and KABLEWEY!

				TWIN OFFICER #2
			(holding a Skoal tin)
		Not enough left of her to fill a tin.

	He puts a pinch between his cheek and gum.

	INT. EMBALMING ROOM - LATER

	A visibly upset Amber still applies make-up to Brett.

				AMBER
		Yah-sure, Tammy liked to driver her 
		dad's thresher - she said the heavy 
		vibration helped her think, y'know?  
		But I know for a fact she only smoked 
		after a good drive.  You ask me or 
		anyone else who isn't scared to talk 
		about it - Tammy was murdered.
			(holding back tears)
		God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to 
		deal with crap like this...
			(to crew guy)
		Toss me "Caucasian #5," would ya?

	A crew guy walks IN FRAME and hands her a make-up jar.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Man, I can't wait for fishin' 
		season...

	Mr. Larson bursts in, white as a corpse.

				MR. LARSON
		Amber...

				AMBER
		No, don't say it.  Another stray 
		bullet to the head.

	She adjusts Brett's red plaid hunting cap.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		I'm gonna need more caps.

				MR. LARSON
		You hafta go home.  There's some kinda 
		emergency at the trailer park.

				AMBER
		Relax, that's my ma's code for, "Bring 
		home milk and a carton-a Luckys."

				MR. LARSON
		No.  Loretta called.  There's been 
		a... a fire.

	She grabs the keys and RUNS OUT.

	EXT. TRAILER PARK STREET/INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

	Amber drives fast and furious as we come to what's left 
	of her trailer.  All the NEIGHBORS are out drinkin' 
	beers, eatin' food and watchin' the excitement.

				AMBER
		Oh my God - no!  Is my mom okay?  Was 
		she home?

	Hearse SCREECHES to a halt.  We hear a THUD, then MOANS 
	from in back.  Amber jumps out.  Camera follows, a la 
	"COPS."  It's pandemonium with fire trucks, neighbors, an 
	ambulance, etc.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Mom!  Mom!?  MOMMMM!

	Loretta runs up to Amber as TWO FIREMEN approach.

				FIREMAN #1
		You family?

				LORETTA
		No, she's just screamin' "Mom, Mom!" 
		kcause she's got Tourettes... She's 
		Annette's kid, dipshit.

				AMBER
			(to Loretta)
		Is Mom okay?

				LORETTA
		She's alive, sweetie.

				AMBER
		Where is she?!

				LORETTA
		She's right over there.

	Camera pans over to see a semi-conscious Annette as they 
	load her stretcher into the ambulance, shut the doors and 
	start to pull away.  Amber runs after them.

				AMBER
		Mommmm!  I'll be right behind you in 
		the hearse!

				LORETTA
		Don't let that worry you, Annette!

	EST. SHOT - FARMINGTON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT

	INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

	A DOCTOR, Amber and Loretta stand beside Annette, who's 
	got an I.V., bandages and her LEFT HAND wrapped and 
	ELEVATED.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So, doctor, is this sort of an unusual 
		injury here?

				DOCTOR
		Oh you betcha, this was a doozy.  
		Right now, our chief concern is to 
		stabilize Annette, then, in surgery, 
		remove this here.

	Removing BANDAGE to reveal BEER CAN, still held in her 
	hand.

				AMBER
		Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.

				ANNETTE
		Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press-
		ons.
			(weak)
		Well, I sat down for a beer and KA-
		BLEWEY!  Next thing I know, somethin' 
		blows through my kitchen window.  Next 
		thing I know, I'm ass up in Loretta's 
		flower bed.

	EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK

	SHAKY VIDEO of a 15 year-old rocker KID from the NECK 
	
				ROCKER KID #1
			(Beavis with a MN accent)
		Yah-dude, put another fuckin' book 
		under it.

				ROCKER KID #2 (O.S.)
		Don't say "fuckin'." My ma's got the 
		windows open.

	CAMERA MOVES, then steadies.  We see all of Rocker Kid 
	#1.  Rocker Kid #2 runs into the shot with his guitar.

				ROCKER KID #2 (cont'd)
		kKay-dude, hurry.  We gots like two 
		fuckin' minutes left on the battery.

				ROCKER KID #1
		A one...two...one-two-three...

	SUDDENLY Annette's' trailer EXPLODES behind them!  Rocker 
	Kids turn to see a BODY (Annette's) FLY through the air.

				ROCKER KIDS
		SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!

	INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

				ANNETTE
			(to Amber)
		I shoved your tap shoes in my jeans 
		before I was blown outta the house, 
		Honey.  Check with the guy who cut my 
		pants off.  He should have kem.

				AMBER
		Mom, uh, about that...I-I'm-oh God...

	Amber starts to cry and runs out.

				ANNETTE
		Oh-Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph, she's 
		pregnant!
			(calling after her)
		If you are - come back, sweetie.  
		Mommy wants to talk, then KILL YOU!

				LORETTA
			(running after Amber)
		Annette, why don't you just see if 
		there's any beer left in that can and 
		relax a bit.

	INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT

	Loretta and Amber face off.

				LORETTA
		You're what?!

				AMBER
		I-I'm quittin' the pageant.

				LORETTA
		I heard you, I was just tryin' to 
		scare you into changin' your mind.  Oh 
		for Chrissakes, Amber, the woman clung 
		to your tap shoes while flyin' through 
		the air like a Goddamn lawn dart!

				AMBER
		Oh God, I'm dead...

	A candy striper approaches them.

				CANDY STRIPER
		Hey, lil' Miss Sad-pants and her 
		friend Serious Sally, how kbout some 
		nice cool mints to turn those frowns 
		upside-down. "S."

				LORETTA
			(to candy striper)
		D'ya think a nice cool mint'd help if 
		I shoved your head up your ass?

	Fear sweeps over the Candy Striper - she bolts down the 
	hall!  Loretta puts an arm around Amber and starts to 
	walk down the opposite direction.

				AMBER
		So, what do I say?

				LORETTA
		Simple.  Just say, "Mom, I know you 
		sacrificed everything - relationships, 
		dreams - your tummy, ass and thighs - 
		all to bring me into this world.  All 
		so I could have tap lessons and be in 
		the pageant - the same one you were 
		in.  But, y'know what?  I'm quittin'."  
		There.  Easy as pie.

				AMBER
		Oh my God.  I'm so dead...

				LORETTA
		Yeah, you betcha...

	INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - NIGHT

	Follow Amber in past the now crying candy striper.

				ANNETTE
			(throwing mints)
		Go on!  Get out!  

				AMBER
		Mom, look, don't say anything.  First 
		of all, I'm not pregnant.

	Amber sits on the bed.  Annette grabs her shirt.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Mom!

				ANNETTE
		I ain't lettin' go ktil you tell me 
		what's up.  I'm reaching' a point 
		where I'd kill someone for the 
		nicotine on their fingernails.

				AMBER
			(deep breath)
		Okay.  Yesterday I...I got this 
		picture.  So I kinda, y'know, I'm 
		thinkin' no.  I'm gonna, I-I-I'm gonna 
		quit the pageant.

				ANNETTE
		What?!

	She hits Amber with her beer-canned hand.

				AMBER
		Ow!

				ANNETTE
			(to camera)
		Would yous boys excuse us a second?  
		Loretta, you too.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM

	SHOT THROUGH the window.  Amber paces around Annette's 
	bed.

				AMBER
		Nice mouth you got there, Mom, but I-
		I'm not goin' through this again.

				ANNETTE
		You're not goin' through this again?  
		You?  You're not the one who knows how 
		Jiffy Pop feels.

				AMBER
		Oh, c'mon... First the picture of 
		Tammy, then Brett Clemens, now this?  
		It's scary.

				ANNETTE
		Let me tell you "scary," Amber.  Look 
		at me.  Do you wanna look like you 
		been rode hard and put away wet at my 
		age?  I'm a "lifer" here.  Best I can 
		hope for is to end up in a descent 
		"raisin ranch" where they'll change me 
		twice a day.

				AMBER
		That's it, I'm goin'...

				ANNETTE
		Honest to God, if I got to do it over?  
		I'd start walkin' outta this town the 
		minute I took my first step.  
		Practically the only thing I wouldn't 
		do different is have you...

	Amber sits on the bed.

				AMBER
		God I hope that's you and not your 
		concussion talkin'.

				ANNETTE
			(smiling)
		It's me...I just don't want this to be 
		the thing you'd do over.  This 
		pageant's your ticket outta here.  I 
		know you can win, Amber.

				ANNETTE (cont'd)
		C'mere.  I love you so much.

				AMBER
		I love you much.

	Annette hugs Amber.

	INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - NIGHT

	Follow a jubilant Amber and Loretta.

				LORETTA
		Hell-no, she ain't quittin'.

				AMBER
		No.  Mom said if I did, she'd look up 
		my dad and marry him.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So has your mom kept your dad's life a 
		secret?

				AMBER
		No.  She never hid the fact that my 
		dad picked his career over us.  What'd 
		she used to say?

				LORETTA
		"Once a carnie, always a carnie."

				AMBER
		Oh-yah. 
	EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - MORNING

	The twin officers lean against their car.

				TWIN OFFICER #1
		The Atkins fire?  Foul play?  Shit-no.  
		After some thorough investigatin', we 
		determined it musta been a bad wirin'.  
		Mosta them trailer-folk plug a TV, 
		VCR, crock pot and Fry-daddy into one 
		outlet and don't think nothin' of it 
		ktil KABLEWEY!

				TWIN OFFICER #2
			(taking a pinch of Skoal)
		Not enough left to fill a tin.

	INT. HOSPITAL - ANNETTE'S ROOM - DAY

	Annette is in bad shape. The candy striper nervously 
	stands beside her, holding a syringe.

				ANNETTE
		"Bad wirin'?!"  Well, if that ain't 
		the biggest crock-a-shit ever.
			(turning on the candy 
			striper)
		Ooowwww-Jesus!  Did K-Mart have a sale 
		on dull needles?

				CANDY STRIPER
		I-I just need one more "do-over."

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W.

	Follow the contestants up to the door.

	INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

	A smokey room with DRUNKEN VETS at the bar and 
	CONTESTANTS, in Sunday best, crowded around some tables.  
	They couldn't seem more out of place.

	INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

	SUPER: JUDGES INTERVIEWS - 3 DAYS BEFORE THE PAGEANT

				GLADYS
		So, remember the three most important 
		parts of a good interview...

				IRIS
		Okay, everybody, listen up!

				GLADYS
		Number one, American Teen Princess' 
		don't cross their legs like 
		streetwalkers.

	The girls put their knees together.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Excuse me, Miss Penthouse Ninety-
		eight, put your knees together.
			(contestants laugh)
		I could drive a boat show in there.

	Gladys paces.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Ankles together.  Hands resting 
		lightly on your laps.  Good.  Sit up 
		straight.  Smile!

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - MAIN HALL

				GLADYS
		All right.  Number two: the judges are 
		as nervous as you are.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM

	JUDGES - HAROLD, JOHN and JEAN KANGAS (Lester's 
	secretary) sit at a table, clipboards in front of them, 
	STARING at the camera.  HANKS sits behind them, 
	fidgeting.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So are you about ready to start the 
		judging - start the interview, there?

				JOHN
			(after long beat)
		Uh, I-I guess I could answer that.  
		Yep.  We're ready.  So, we should 
		probably get the young girls in here, 
		then.  Y'know, to start the 
		interviews...

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM

	Tess enters, sits, then quickly remembers how to sit.  
	Judges nervously look at their clipboards - pencils 
	ready.

				HAROLD
			(trouble reading)
		Uh, "if you could be any tree in the 
		woods, what kinda tree would you be?"

				TESS
			(long pause)
		Dogwood.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON MOLLY HOWARD, seated.

				MOLLY
		Bonsai.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON LESLIE, seated.

				LESLIE
		Green?

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON MICHELLE JOHANSON, seated.

				MICHELLE
		A tree?  I can be any tree you want.  
		Gimme a minute.

	She begins vocal and facial warm-up exercises.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON BECKY, seated.

				BECKY
		One with strong roots in a community 
		like Mount Rose, a solid Christian 
		trunk and long leafy branches to 
		provide shade for handicapped kids on 
		a hot summer day.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON LISA SWENSON, seated, staring for a long beat, then:

				LISA
		You guys know the retard's pants are 
		open?
			(laughing)
		I don't want to see that.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON THE JUDGES - Harold reads, John stares longingly.

				HAROLD
		"Who would you pick to be president, 
		dead or alive?"

	PAN OVER to Molly Howard.

				MOLLY
		Uh, Emperor Hirohito.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON LESLIE, seated...

				LESLIE
		Brett Favre!

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON BECKY, seated.

				BECKY
		My mother, kcause she could solve 
		world hunger with one of her blue-
		ribbon rhubarb pies, create world 
		peace with one of her prayers and 
		still find time to look 
		beautiful...for my dad, Lester Leeman.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	John Dough drinks nervously from his water glass.

				JOHN
		D-do you like to swim?

	The other judges look at him, then at their clipboards 
	trying to find this question.

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON LISA SWENSON

				LISA
		Oh-yah, I love to swim.  When I was in 
		New York, I met Greg Louganis at one-a 
		my brothers' shows...

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	Janelle, sings a long answer.  The Judges look at each 
	other confused and frustrated.

				JOHN
		What the hell is she trying to say?
			(yelling)
		Say it!

				JANELLE
		The ktards pants are completely off!

	The Judges turn and look at Hank.

				HAROLD
		Close up shop.  Close up shop, Hank.

				HANK
		Harold!

				HAROLD
		Close up shop!

	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

	ON HAROLD

				HAROLD
		You Amber Atkins?

				AMBER (O.S.)
		Yes.  Yes I am.  Thank you, hello.

	All judges turn a page on their clipboards.

				HAROLD
		"Name and spell all the United States 
		in alphabetical order."

	PAN OVER to a stunned Amber.

				AMBER
		Seriously?

				HAROLD (O.S.)
		Ah-yep.

	Amber can't believe what she's hearing.

				AMBER
		Well, ah...Alabama.  A-L-A-B-A-M-A.  
		Alaska.  A-L-A-S-K-A.  Arizona.  A-R-I-
		Z-O-N-A.

						
	V.F.W. - BACK ROOM - MONTAGE

				AMBER
		West Virginia.  W-E-S-T-V-I-R-G-N-I-A.  
		Wisconsin.  W-I-S-C-O-N-S-O-N.  
		Wyoming.  W-Y-O-M-I-N-G. 

	Pan over to Judges.  They can't believe it.  Hank CLAPS 
	retardedly.  He loves her.

				HAROLD
			(looking at others)
		Uh-okay, then.

	INT. DAKOTA COUNTY EATING DISORDERS CLINIC - MARY'S ROOM

	A NURSE now stands beside Mary.

				MARY
		With two weeks until the pageant...
			(continued labored breaths)
		I was practicing my talent.  Finishing 
		my costume, brushing up on current 
		events, and running eighteen miles a 
		day on about four hundred calories.  I 
		was ready.

	The nurse gives her a hit of oxygen.  Mary smiles and 
	gives a THUMBS UP from behind the oxygen mask.

	DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

	PAN DOWN long, narrow room.  A counter, with mirrors and 
	bare bulbs, cover one wall.  Girls set up their areas and 
	change into their talent costumes.

	SUPER: DRESS REHEARSAL - DAY BEFORE THE PAGEANT

				IRIS
		Coupla things...Gladys wants to be 
		sure we go in show order today.  All 
		right?  So very important.  Don't 
		forget that.

								CUT TO:

	DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

	CLOSE ON LESLIE MILLER, in cheerleading uniform, standing 
	beside small framed photos of her boyfriend on the 
	counter.

				LESLIE
			(unusually serious)
		Oh-yah, really nervous.  It's been 
		about two months.  I haven't told my 
		boyfriend yet.  How did you know?

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		I meant, nervous about the pageant?

				LESLIE
			(suddenly perky)
		Oh!  Nervous about the pageant!  Yah 
		sure!  

	She kisses a photo and GIGGLES.

								CUT TO:

	DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

	CLOSE ON BECKY holding a sequin-covered poodle skirt and 
	sweater.

				BECKY
		There are eight thousand sequins and 
		fifteen hundred beads on the skirt, 
		alone.  My mom and Mrs. Lopez make it.  
		She's one of my father's many Mexican 
		(Me'hee'kan) workers he lifts from the 
		poverty they know in Mexico 
		(Me'heek'koe).

								CUT TO:

	DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

	CLOSE ON AMBER ATKINS at the far end of the counter.

				AMBER
		Yah-my ma's clothes all melted onto 
		mine forming like this big polyester 
		meteor in our closet, y'know?  But, in 
		some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor 
		boy, Kenny Johanson, found my tap 
		costume on the roof-a their trailer 
		while he was settin' coon traps for 
		his dad.  Here's the weird part.  It 
		was still on the hanger.

	DRESSING ROOM - HALLWAY

	CLOSE ON TESS WEINHAUS wearing "I love German Shepherds" 
	sweatshirt, standing beside various trinkets.

				TESS
		And, uh, this is my lucky bolt.  They 
		think it fell from a DC-10.  The 
		doctor said I was lucky the flat side 
		hit me, um, otherwise it coulda gone 
		right through my head.
			(holds up red tap dress)
		I know, I know, gives me the willies, 
		too.  I guess the explosion...

	Janelle Betz, wearing a flowing, nymph-like dress with 
	ballet slippers, glides up to Amber.

				JANELLE
			(slow, due to signing)
		Amber?  Can we switch numbers?  I need 
		to go first.
			(smiling to camera)
		My cousin just had a deaf baby and I 
		get to go see it!

				AMBER
		Yah-sure, eight's my luck number 
		anyway.  Diane Sawyer was number eight 
		at her local.

				JANELLE
		Thank you.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

	ON STAGE "Through the Eyes of Love" plays as Janelle 
	performs her INTERPRETATIVE DANCE while signing the 
	words.  In the f.g., Gladys appears very serious.

				GLADYS
			(loud whisper)
		I'll be honest.  This is a hard time 
		for me.  This is the part of the 
		pageant when you realize that tomorrow 
		night, all but one of these girls will 
		walk out of here a loser.  It's hard 
		for me to know how that must feel, but 
		I'm sure it doesn't feel good.

	In b.g., a BIG STAGE LIGHT FALLS on Janelle's head.  
	CRASH!  Gladys and CAMERA rush the stage.  "Through the 
	Eyes of Love" continues throughout.

	EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - PORCH - THAT NIGHT

	A very shaken Amber paces.

				AMBER
		Don't you get it?  I was supposed to 
		go first.  I was contestant number 
		one.  That light was meant for my 
		head.  If Janelle hadn't wanted to 
		change numbers... God, I owe my life 
		to that deaf baby.

	Loretta enters, portable phone and drink in hand.

				LORETTA
		That was your mom.  She wanted you to 
		have this.

				AMBER
			(taking drink)
		Really, Loretta?

				LORETTA
			(avoiding eye contact)
		You-betcha.

				AMBER
		My mom wanted me to have this?

				LORETTA
		Oh, shut up.  I thought it might help 
		you get some sleep.

				AMBER
		Loretta, never have kids.

				LORETTA
		Well God-love-ya for thinkin' I still 
		could.

	Loretta pulls a bag out of a closet and hands it to 
	Amber.

				LORETTA (cont'd)
		Here, your ma did want you to have 
		this since your other one got toasted 
		and all.

	Amber pulls out an ELEGANT GREEN GOWN.

				AMBER
		Oh...my...God!  It's just like Diane 
		Sawyer's!  kCourse it's not a size 
		ten, Diane was a little hippy back 
		then.  Oh, thank you!  Thank you!  
		Thank you!

	She hugs Loretta.

	EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT

	SUPER: NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT

	BANNER: "Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess 
	Pageant, sponsored by Sarah Rose COSMETICS."  The ENTIRE 
	TOWN is excitedly entering.

	CLOSE ON 

	Mr. and Mrs. Howard and their daughter Tina, who's 
	embarrassed and continues to rant as they pass.  All 
	three wear T-shirts with MOLLY'S FACE on them.

				MR. HOWARD
	
				MRS. HOWARD
		Go Molly!  Go!  Number one daughter!

	Behind them Leslie Miller's boyfriend, PAT, and a group 
	of ROWDY GUYS approach. 

				PAT
		Whooo!  Leslie kicks Teen Princess 
		ass!  Go Muskies!

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY

	STAGE IS DARK.  Crowd takes their seats.  You can feel 
	the electricity.

	We hear the TAPE of a DRUM ROLL.  SPOTLIGHT hits center 
	stage.  Gladys enters wearing a gaudy gown, takes mic.  
	Applause!

				GLADYS
		Welcome, welcome.  Okay, alright, now.  
		Is this for me or the gown?

	Laughter and applause trail off.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Welcome to the Mount Rose American 
		Teen Princess Pageant.  While every 
		contestant you'll meet tonight is 
		special and unique, they all have one 
		thing in common.  They're all "Proud - 
		to - be - an - American!"

	Wild applause!  Jazzy patriotic medley tape.  Gym doors 
	fly open and like a Felliniesque Vegas review, 
	CONTESTANTS enter wearing gowns and U.S. Monument 
	Headdresses.  They struggle to maintain balance as they 
	dance, moving only their arms, on stage.

								CUT TO:

	Becky, whose head is built like another president into 
	Mount Rushmore, is first at the mic.  (The "dance" 
	continues behind each contestant as she steps up to the 
	mic.)

				BECKY
		I chose Mount Rushmore, because to 
		live in a country where you can take 
		an ugly old mountain and put faces on 
		it, faces of great Americans, who did 
		so much to make our country super 
		great, well that makes me - Rebecca 
		Leeman - PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

	A MONTAGE of OPENING NUMBER INTRODUCTIONS

	ON LISA SWENSON

	wearing a Statue of Liberty Headdress.  (It's a Barbie 
	Doll that holds an unlit birthday candle.)

				LISA
		Living in a country where Lady Liberty 
		keeps her flame burning bright.

	She reaches up with a lighter to light the candle. It's 
	hard to reach and won't light.

				LISA (cont'd)
		Keeps her flame burning bright...

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

	ON LESLIE MILLER

	as she seductively strokes the sides of her Washington 
	Monument Headdress.

				LESLIE
		The Washington Monument...

	Guys WHOOP and CHEER O.S.

				LESLIE (cont'd)
			(enjoying this)
		..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be 
		an American.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

	ON AMBER ATKINS

	with a MAP OF THE U.S. HEADDRESS, dances up to the mic.

				AMBER
		Living in a country where no matter 
		who you are or where you come from, 
		you can grow up and become what you've 
		always dreamed of, makes me, Amber 
		Atkins, proud to be an American!

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - MONTAGE

	ON MOLLY HOWARD

	wearing an Atomic Blast at Hiroshima Headdress.

				MOLLY
		Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard, 
		proud to be an Asian-American.

	As she steps away from the mic, Tess Weinhaus, wearing a 
	huge ball of twine headdress, dances up to the mic.

				TESS
		Uh, this, uh, my Uncle Phil's World's 
		Largest Ball of Twine, in Bundy 
		Minnesota, makes me, um, it makes me 
		proud I'm American - I kinda 
		misunderstood the assignment.

	The ball of twine falls to the floor and rolls off the 
	stage, still attached at one end to her head.

	BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM

	Pandemonium!  Contestants change into their "Physical 
	Fitness" outfits.  (T-shirts with red flags, shorts) 
	Civil Servettes try to help.  A LARGE PICTURE of Janelle 
	Betz sits at her counter space.

				IRIS
		Okay, okay!  Listen-up.  Coupla notes 
		from last night's dress rehearsal.
			(off clipboard)
		Number one, Gladys says a coupla yous 
		are gettin' sexy with your hips durin' 
		the "Physical Fitness" routine...

				AMBER
		Oh my God!  My-my tap costume's gone.

	Commotion stops.  Becky continues to get ready.

				IRIS
		Uh, Amber?  We're not puttin' on our 
		Talent costumes.  
		You need to put on your "Physical 
		Fitness" outfit.  And let's shake a 
		leg, ladies.

				AMBER
		No, wait.  It-it was here before the 
		openin' number...wait.  What am I 
		sayin'?  I should just ask you, Becky.  
		Where is it?

	Becky freezes, staring daggers at Amber.

				BECKY
		What?

				AMBER
		You heard me.  Where is it?

	The other contestants slowly clear a path between them.

				BECKY
		If you're gettin' at somethin', you 
		better just say it.

				AMBER
		I just did.

				BECKY
		Well then, you better be willin' to 
		back it up, kcause you're talkin' like 
		crazy.

	They start to slowly circle each other - a cat fight's 
	brewin'.

				AMBER
		Oh-oh, you bring me some of that 
		snotty attitude, Becky - bring it on.

				BECKY
		Well, as my mother says at Sunday 
		dinner, "Come and get it," bitch!

				AMBER
		Oh, I'll "get it."  I'll "get it" all 
		right.  I might even take seconds.

	They're moving ever closer...

				BECKY
		If you want seconds, then I'll make 
		sure it's hot enough for ya.

				AMBER
		Bitch!

				IRIS
			(stepping between them)
		Girls!  Girls!

				BECKY
		Give me your stringy-ass hair!

				AMBER
		I'll get you!

				CREW GUY (O.S.)
			(barely audible)
		Oh God, don't stop kem now...

				BECKY
		You're choking my, you fucking bitch!

				IRIS
			(putting hand over camera)
		Y'know, I-I don't think yous boys 
		should, uh, should be in here while 
		the girls are changin'.

				AMBER
		I hate her!

				IRIS
		We all do.  Now let's go.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Gladys is center stage.

				GLADYS
		Yah-so how kbout a big round of 
		applause for last year's Mount Rose 
		American Teen Princess, in a farewell 
		performance.  Who could forget her lip-
		synching to "Don't Cry Out Loud," by 
		Melissa Manchester.  And here she is, 
		Mary Johanson!

	Applause!  Gladys exits.  TAPED MUSIC "It's My Turn."  A 
	NURSE pushes MARY JOHANSON out in her wheelchair, 
	complete with portable oxygen.  Mary wears a gigantic 
	black wig and silver gown which hangs off her boney body.  
	She moves her lips to the words as the nurse pushes her 
	emotionally around the stage.

	EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

	Contestants, in "physical fitness" outfits, wait outside 
	the double doors, holding freshly painted red, white and 
	blue step ladders.  Becky and Amber stare at each other 
	from opposite ends of the line.

				IRIS
		All right, why don't we take up the 
		stepladders, all right?  For the 
		Physical Fitness number?

				BECKY
			(picking up her stool)
		They're wet.

				LISA
		Hey, my hands are stuck.

				MOLLY
			(sniffing)
		Uh, I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.

				IRIS
		Well, hold kem away from you so it 
		doesn't get on the outfits.
			(turning to Servettes)
		What kinda mental retard paints step 
		ladders the morning of a pageant.

	ON STAGE

	Hank is being pulled off stage by Harold.  Gladys adjusts 
	her dress, frazzled.

				HANK
			(under throughout)
		Here come the judge - pinch, pinch - 
		here come the judge - pinch, pinch - 
		here come the judge...

				GLADYS
		Get back!  Get back, you total retard!

				LORETTA
		Go Hank!

				GLADYS
		I'm okay, I'm okay - dress is fine.  
		I'm okay...well, our other judges are 
		Jean Kangas and John Dough...

	EXT. GYMNASIUM - HALLWAY

	Iris and Servettes go in the gym as Chloris Klinghagen 
	comes out.

				CHLORIS
			(loud whisper)
		Opening number looked, uh, good.  
		Solid.  But now you're gonna have to 
		actually dance, so...
			(holds up jar of Vaseline)
		Here.  Put a dab of this on the old 
		choppers, ladies.  It'll help you 
		smile.  And when they're lookin' at 
		your teeth - God willin' - they won't 
		be lookin at your feet.

	Chloris gives Amber the jar and exits.  From the gym, we 
	hear TAPED PATRIOTIC MUSIC.  Contestants CHEER and run 
	in.

	"PHYSICAL FITNESS" ROUTINE - PATRIOTIC MUSIC

	As cuts of patriotic dance moves progress, the girls have 
	more and more red, white and blue paint smeared on their 
	clothes, arms and legs.

	Amber's clearly the best.

	Taped music ENDS.  Contestants, covered with paint, 
	strike a final pose - sitting on ladders, standing, 
	kneeling.  Applause.

	BACKSTAGE - WALKWAY

	Contestants wait anxiously as they pass a can of 
	TURPENTINE and a RAG to remove paint from their arms and 
	legs.

				BECKY
		Hurry up.

				LESLIE
		Okay, guys, I think we all got some.  
		You just take it off.

				AMBER
		Here, I didn't get any.

				LESLIE
		Here, have some.

				MICHELLE
		Hand me another white one.

				LISA
		Listen, you guys, don't go int the 
		bathroom.  Tess blew chunks all over. 
		Man, she ate a big dinner.

				BECKY
		Maybe she shoulda shoved that lucky 
		bolt down her throat for desert.

	Becky storms off.

				AMBER
			(sotto, to other girls)
		And the winner of the "Spirit" award 
		goes to...

	Girls laugh quietly.  Iris pulls a dazed and confused 
	Tess - beg wet spot on her shirt - through the shot.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Iris stands center stage, awkwardly holding the mic.

				IRIS
			(reading from notecard)
		"I'd like to take you back seventeen 
		years, when a peanut farmer was in the 
		White House, a group-a boys callin' 
		themselves kQueen' topped the record 
		charts and Gladys Leeman was Gladys 
		Wood and she was Mount Rose American 
		Teen Princess!"

	Gladys enters wearing sash, tiara and plaid culottes.  
	Applause.  A SLIDE is shown of her at 17.

				GLADYS
			(taking mic)
		Thank you, thank you.  You know, I won 
		the talent contest by sewing these 
		culottes, Butterick pattern 7-4-3-2.  
		Can you believe it?  They still fit!

				LORETTA
		She had a big ass then, she's got a 
		big ass now.

				GLADYS
			(pausing for applause)
		Thank you, thank you.  
		Our next eontestant is ready, so let's 
		welcome her: Tess Weinhaus!

	APPLAUSE.  Tess is pushed on stage.

	BACKSTAGE - LEFT

	Amber paces.  ON STAGE Tess drones on at the mic.

				TESS
			(in the b.g. throughout)
		The beagle is known for it's howl.  
		"Aaauuuuuhhhh."  The Pekinese has it's 
		own distinctive bark.  "Yip, yip, 
		yip."  Not to be confused with the 
		Chihuahua's, "Yap, yap, yap."  But 
		none can compare to the greatest bark 
		of all - the German Shepherd...

				AMBER
			(to camera, loud whisper)
		...Yah-it's just gone...
			(eyes welling up)
		I mean, I-I just wanna tap, y'know?  
		I'm not sayin' I'm the best, or that 
		I'd even win, but shouldn't I at least 
		get a chance to compete?
			(starting to sob)
		I just wanted my Mom to see me dance.

	CHLORIS KLINGHAGEN enters, small bag in hand.

				CHLORIS
			(loud whisper)
		Amber - Amber, c'mere.

				AMBER
		Please, Mrs. K, I got so much Vaseline 
		on my teeth, I'm gonna be smilin' for 
		a year.

				CHLORIS
		No.  Here.

	Chloris pulls a simple BLACK LEOTARD from the bag.

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		It's nothin' special, but talent like 
		yours doesn't need to hide behind 
		sequins.

				AMBER
		Mrs. K--

				CHLORIS
		You're... you're special and... Ah 
		hell, go out there and kick some 
		Leeman ass.

	Amber, overcome with joy, gives her a big hug.

				CHLORIS (cont'd)
		Not so hard, sweetie.  I heard 
		somethin' snap...

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	ON STAGE: Leslie Miller, in uniform, performs an 
	amazingly sexy cheer as TWO SINGLET-CLAD WRESTLERS 
	wrestle (One is boyfriend, Pat.).

				LESLIE
		Roll him over --
			(clap, clap, clap)
		Lay him flat
			(clap, clap, clap)
		Pin his shoulders
			(clap, clap, clap)
		To the mat
			(clap, clap, clap)
		Roll him over, lay him flat, pin his 
		shoulders, to the mat!  Yeahhhh!

	She JUMPS, KICKS and ends with SPLITS.  APPLAUSE!

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

	Michelle Johanson is on stage, sitting on a stool, 
	wearing all black.  She smiles warmly.  Then, with one 
	sweep of her hand across her face, her smile drops.  
	She's dead serious.

				MICHELLE
			(without emotion)
		Fade in...Earth.  The year is two-
		thousand twenty-four.  The question on 
		everyone's mind:  What is...Soylent 
		Green?

	She sweeps her hand back across her face and she's "in 
	character," pained, near death, and overly dramatic.

	BACKSTAGE - LEFT - CONTINUOUS

	Amber, now in the leotard, talks to Iris.  Michelle 
	performs from "Soylent Green" in the b.g.

				AMBER
			(loud whisper)
		Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to 
		me?  Why're you pretendin' you don't 
		know what's goin' on?

				IRIS
		Amber, I'm sorry.  I really am.  But 
		you know the rules.  All talent 
		costumes hafta be okay'd by Gladys 
		before the pageant.

				AMBER
		But, doesn't someone taking your 
		costume so you can't compete, overrule 
		that rule?

				IRIS
		Sorry.  I-I don't make the rules.

				AMBER
		This, this... This is bullshit!

				IRIS
		Amber Atkins!  That is not American 
		Teen Princess language!

				AMBER
		Good, kcause this isn't an American 
		Teen Princess Pageant - it's, it's 
		Nazi Germany!

	Amber storms off.

				IRIS
			(shaking head)
		Where do they get this stuff...

	INT. BACKSTAGE

	CAMERA FOLLOWS AMBER as she storms over to BACKSTAGE - 
	RIGHT where Gladys watches Michelle ON STAGE.

				AMBER
		Mrs. Leeman?

				GLADYS
			(turning)
		Huh?

				AMBER
		I-I'm wearin' this costume.  I'm, uh, 
		I'm gonna do my talent tonight.

				GLADYS
		Oh really - I don't think so.
			(suddenly aware of camera)
		Uh, Amber, I hate to be the bearer of 
		bad news, but rules state that a 
		costume must be okay'd at least a week 
		in advance.  And this...
			(pointing to costume)
		This is why we have the rule.  My 
		goodness gracious, I couldn't allow a 
		neckline this low on stage.  We have 
		kids in the audience.

				AMBER
		But, you - I mean... It's not my 
		fault.  I-I... Please?  I didn't do 
		anything wrong...

	Amber starts to cry.

				MICHELLE
			(climaxing)
		That's why... I must say...
			(raising arm upward)
		Soylent Green... is... people.

	She doubles over.  She's given it all.  APPLAUSE.

				GLADYS
		Oops, that's my cue.

	Gladys starts out on stage as Molly Howard, dressed like 
	a red, white and blue cowboy, runs up next to Amber.  
	She's twirling toy guns on her fingers.

				MOLLY
		Wish me luck.

				AMBER
			(drying her eyes)
		Good luck, Molly.

	One of Molly's guns flies off her finger.  She goes to 
	retrieve it.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Molly is line dancing, occasionally taking "pretend" 
	shots into the air.  It's incredibly repetitive and dull.

	BACKSTAGE - CARL'S "LIGHT AND SOUND" BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

	As Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" PLAYS in b.g., 
	Carl, the janitor, sets plastic army figures on fire with 
	a cigarette lighter.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Gladys is center stage.  Molly Howard walks off crying, 
	having just finished her routine.  POLITE APPLAUSE.  
	She's still spinning her guns, again one goes flying.

				GLADYS
		Thank you, Molly.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL/STAIRWELL - DRESSING AREA

	Lisa, top hat, tails, giant "I LOVE NY" button - and 
	others try to console a CRYING Amber.  Becky continues 
	singing O.S.

				LISA
			(arm around Amber)
		Oh, Amber...

				AMBER
			(can't catch breath)
		I-I-I-I-I-, j-uh-j-uh-just wanted to 
		compe-e-e-e-ete.

				LISA
		I can't believe this is happenin'.  I 
		can't believe she said you couldn't...

	Getting an idea, Lisa starts to take off her jacket.

				LISA (cont'd)
		Amber?  Here.

				AMBER
			(still sobbing)
		"Here," wh-wh-what?

				LISA
		My jacket.  Take it kcause, y'know, I 
		got my costume okay'd before the 
		pageant.  You can wear it.

				MICHELLE
		Oh man, Lisa, I wouldn't do this.

				LESLIE
			(to Lisa)
		They're never gonna let you perform 
		naked.  I asked.

				LISA
		Shut up, yous guys.  Look, Amber, I'm 
		not gonna win.  And let's be honest, a 
		family only needs one "Liza" and you 
		know Peter's got much better legs than 
		me.

				AMBER
		Your parents'd kill you.

				LISA
		Oh c'mon, I love kem, but you know 
		they only had me kcause Peter needed a 
		kidney.

				AMBER
		Lis, I want to, I really do, but... 
		Oh, I can't.

				LISA
		Then do it for Peter.  Mrs. Leeman 
		used to call him a "skinny little fag" 
		when he'd bag her groceries.  He'd pop 
		his Nancy-belt if his old jacket 
		somehow, I don't know, got her back.

				AMBER
		Yah?

				LISA
		Oh-you-beccha.

	Amber hugs her and takes the jacket.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

	Gladys guides Molly off the stage.

				GLADYS
		Now, it's with overwhelming pride that 
		I introduce contestant number six, who 
		also happens to be president of her 
		class - two years running - a member 
		of the honor roll and the new 
		President of the Lutheran Sisterhood 
		Gun Club - Rebecca Ann Leeman!

	STAGE GOES BLACK.  SPOT HITS BECKY, who sits at the edge 
	of the stage, holding a mic.  She's head to toe sequins 
	in her poodle skirt, sweater, saddle shoes, etc. 

				BECKY
			(talking over music)
		I don't know how many of you know 
		this, but I've got a very special 
		fella in my life - that's right, I 
		do... And if nobody minds, I'd like to 
		sing a little song, just for him.

	SPOT FOLLOWS as Becky stands and walks center stage to 
	what appears to be a COVERED MANNEQUIN.  TAPED INTRO TO 
	"I Can't Take My Eyes Off You."

				BECKY (cont'd)
		You're just too good to be true.  
		Can't take my eyes off of you.  You'd 
		be like Heaven to touch.  I wanna hold 
		you so much.  At long last love has 
		arrived and I thank God I'm alive.  

	Becky removes the sheet, revealing a MANNEQUIN dressed 
	like JESUS as he appeared on the cross: long hair, beard, 
	crown of thorns, loincloth.  The ARMS ARE STUFFED so they 
	move freely.  (Hands of stigmata.)

				BECKY (cont'd)
		You're just to good to be true.  Can't 
		take my eyes off of you...

	Becky TALK-SINGS - a la William Shatner's "Rocket Man" - 
	and DANCES around the Jesus mannequin doing the jitter-
	bug, the twist and a slow dance (his arms on her 
	shoulders).

	DURING THE SLOW DANCE, THE LOIN CLOTH SLIPS AND BECKY 
	MUST HOLD IT UP - GIVING THE APPEARANCE OF GRABBING HIS 
	CROTCH.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - BACKSTAGE

	Iris approaches Lisa who's given her outfit to Amber.

				IRIS
		C'mon, Lisa.  You're up next.

				LISA
		I quit.  And, uh, since my costume, 
		y'know, was okay'd a month ago?  I'm 
		givin' it to Amber.

	Amber breaks a smile.

	Taped music ENDS.  APPLAUSE.  Gladys, mic in hand, joins 
	Becky for a big hug.

				GLADYS
		Boy, I'd hate to follow that.  Wow!

	Becky exits, pulling the wheeled Jesus behind her.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Voice of an angel, that one.

	Iris runs self-consciously out on stage, whispers in 
	Gladys' ear, then runs back off stage.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		...Uh, I was just told that contestant 
		number seven, Lisa Swenson, has quite 
		the pageant.

	CROWD REACTS.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Well, these things happen.  At any 
		rate, we still have one more 
		contestant - number eight, Amber 
		Atkins.

	Gladys exits.  A taped hip, hot DRUM BEAT starts.  
	Suddenly, Amber glides into CENTER SPOT.  (Now wearing 
	Lisa's costume, sleeves rolled up.)  Her feet burst into 
	an amazing routine.  The loud drum beats seem to fly from 
	her hands and feet as they punctuate the rhythm.  There's 
	no glitz, just unbelievable skill.  It appears effortless 
	as she floats around stage.  Like watching Michael 
	Jackson moon walk for the first time, you can't take your 
	eyes off her.  She concludes, center stage, with the 
	GREATEST THIRTY SECONDS OF HER LIFE.  The audience goes 
	WILD!  Amber takes bow after bow - they love her.  Gladys 
	enters quickly, mic in hand.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Okay, okay, okay!  Well, now, it's 
		finally time to say good-bye to our 
		judges, so they can go make the 
		toughest decision of their lives.

	PAN TO JUDGES.  They look nervous as hell.  A relaxed 
	Hank sniffs from a paint soaked bag.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT

	Judges stare nervously at the camera - clip boards in 
	front of them.  Hank's LOUD BREATHING from the paint 
	soaked bag is obviously getting on John's nerves.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So who get's the crown?  How are you 
		going to figure this all out?

				JOHN
		Uh, we're gonna, y'know, compare 
		scores and uh, figure out a-a winner.  
		kCause we don't know the winner yet... 
		I mean, I-I don't know who Jean and 
		Harold picked.  No idea.  Did Gladys 
		send you in here?

				HANK
		I know the winner!  I know the winner!  
		I know the winner!

				JOHN
		No you don't!  Shut your goddamn 
		mouth, you son-of-a-bitch!!

	Nerves shot, John suddenly LAUNCHES himself across the 
	table at Hank.

				HAROLD
		Wait a second.

				JOHN
		You shut it!  You goddamn retard!

	Hank freezes, then starts to wail!

				HANK
		EE-AAAYEEEE-AAAAYOUIAAAEEEEEEEE!

				HAROLD
		Come on!  Hankey here can't help it if 
		he was born crazier than a shithouse 
		rat!

	Hank stops crying and goes back to the bag.

				JOHN
		For fuck's sake, why didn't ya leave 
		him with a sitter?

	Hank begins crying again.

				HAROLD
		Real nice.  You know the sitter's 
		dead.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	BACKSTAGE - DRESSING ROOM

	Girls, in gowns, sit in silence.  Becky and Amber sit at 
	opposite ends of the room.  There's obvious tension.

				LESLIE
		So, anyone talk to Janelle?

				AMBER
		Yah-I brought her some flowers this 
		morning.  She's in the room next to my 
		mom.  She's super happy.

	Girls ad-lib SHOCK.

				TESS
		She's happy?

				LESLIE
		Why happy?

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Oh -- the blow to her head made her 
		deaf...

	Girls ad-lib "Oh, I see.  Okay-then." etc.  Another LONG 
	BEAT of SILENCE follows.  Becky gets up to re-touch her 
	make-up.

				BECKY
			(losing it)
		Oh, good Lord!  What're they doin'?  
		Lettin' the retard count votes?!

	Contestants stare at her in shock.  Iris enters.

				IRIS
		It's time, ladies.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM

	Judges are back.  Gladys is center stage.  Girls enter 
	and form a line behind her.  TAPED AMERICAN MEDLEY 
	STARTS.

				GLADYS
		Welcome back, everyone.  Judges.  Our 
		Second Runner-up and winner of a fifty-
		
	Taped fanfare.  Leslie bounds forward, grabs her trophy, 
	stands to one side.  

				PAT (O.S.)
		You rule, Leslie!

	Audience laughs.  Leslie waves.

				GLADYS
		Our next prize, a seventy-five dollar 
		scholarship --

	Audience ad-libs amazement.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		...will be awarded to the First Runner-
		up.

	Taped DRUM ROLL.  Contestants (except Becky) take hands.  
	Iris gives Gladys an envelope and trophy.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		And the First Runner-up is -
			(opening envelope, face 
			drops)
		Contestant number eight, Amber Atkins.

	Ad-lib audience shock and disbelief.  Contestants are 
	stunned.  Amber steps forward, humbly takes the trophy 
	and stands beside Leslie.  Audience finally quiets.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		And finally, the moment I know I've 
		been waiting for...

	Iris hands Gladys a LARGE TROPHY and envelope.  Mary 
	Johanson is wheeled out wearing sash and tiara.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		With a scholarship of five-hundred 
		dollars, courtesy Leeman Furniture, 
		and all expenses paid for next weekend 
		when she'll be competin' for the title 
		of Minnesota American Teen Princess...

	Taped drum roll.  Gladys opens the envelope.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Our new Mount Rose American Teen 
		Princess is contestant number - ah 
		heck, she's my daughter - number 
		seven, Rebecca Ann Leeman!

	Polite audience applause.  Becky rushes forward.  Gladys 
	RIPS the tiara and sash off Mary, places them on Becky.

				BECKY
		Oh, thank you so much!

	AUDIENCE

	Loretta and Annette watch on.

				ANNETTE
		Shit.

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - STAGE

	The ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR, from earlier scene, enters and 
	sings to a tape as Becky takes her victory walk.

				ELDERLY MAN/MAYOR
			(tune of "Miss America")
		"Here she is, Our Mount Rose American 
		Teen Princess.  Look at her, doesn't 
		she look fine.  Our hearts swell big, 
		as we look at her.  Our Mount Rose 
		American Teen Princess."

	EXT./INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

	AMBULANCE pulls up.  Mary Johanson, unconscious, slumped 
	in wheelchair, is brought out and put in.  Amber and 
	Loretta wheel Annette out.  Paramedics put her in, too.

				ANNETTE
		We was robbed.

				LORETTA
		Okay.  Take her purse.

				AMBER
		Bye mom.

				ANNETTE
		We was robbed.

				AMBER
		It's okay.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

	Amber faces camera as ambulance pulls away.

				AMBER
		Oh, Mom's okay.  They're just givin' 
		her a ride back.  She almost blew 
		outta the back of Loretta's pick-up on 
		the way over.

				LORETTA
		Thank God for bunge cords.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

				AMBER
			(tearing up)
		...Yah-well, at least, y'know, I got 
		to perform.  And Mom got to see me.
			(crying)
		I guess number eight only worked for 
		Diane Sawyer...

	Loretta puts her arm around Amber.  They walk off as 
	Leslie and Pat approach.

				LESLIE
		Hey-hey, I'm Second Runner-up!  Whooo!  
		I got second place!

				PAT
		Third.

				LESLIE
		Huh?

	Lisa passes by with her parents.  They look pissed.

				LISA
		No, it was worth it.  Amber shoulda 
		won.

				LISA'S FATHER
		I'll tell ya one thing.  Peter never 
		woulda pulled a shenanigan like that.

				LISA
		Well, y'know what, dad?  Y'know what?  
		Peter's gay!

	She runs off.  Her parents stop DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS.

				LISA'S FATHER
		What?!

								DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASS ROOM - NIGHT

	CLOSE ON BECKY'S FACE.  Flashes illuminate it.  With each 
	photo she changes her smile and expression.  She loves 
	this.

	PULL BACK to reveal two older men, with old-style news 
	cameras, flash pictures.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		So, how does it feel to be the new 
		Mount Rose American Teen Princess, 
		Becky?

	OLDER MEN turn and look at camera, then take out a pen 
	and note pad.

				BECKY
		Well, it's all happenin' so fast.  
		Goodness-gracious, it hardly seems 
		real, y'know?  I mean, I won!  I'm the 
		winner!  I'm going to State!

				GLADYS
		She's the winner and we're going to 
		state.

	INT. MOUNT ROSE HIGH - GIRL'S BATHROOM - DAY

	Fry Girl #1 and Pregnant Fry Girl smoke.

				FRY GIRL #1
		What a surprise.  Gladys Leeman's 
		finally gonna go to State.  
		And she'll probably ride on Becky's 
		ass all the way to Nationals, too.

				PREGNANT FRY GIRL
		I wonder how she's gonna fix that one. 

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Are you ladies going to the parade 
		tomorrow?

				PREGNANT FRY GIRL
		Nah.  I think I'm like, due or 
		somethin'.

	MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - NEXT DAY

	Beautiful sunny day.  Lester talks to camera.

				LESTER
		Ahhh.  Beautiful as a whore's ass 
		today.  Eh, boys?

	In the b.g., Gladys holds a bullhorn, clipboard and 
	points to a LARGE SWAN FLOAT.

				GLADYS
			(into bullhorn)
		Hey!  Turn that float around.  You 
		think a swan's gonna swim ass first up 
		Main Street?

				LESTER
		Yah-Gladys had me order that swan 
		special made from Mexico (Me'hee'koe) 
		in case Becky won.  I do a lotta 
		business with those people.  I always 
		offer to pay kem in tacos.
			(laughing)
		Whoo, they love that.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

	Entire town lines the road.  The Mayor and the Leman 
	family stand behind the red ribbon.  Parade PARTICIPANTS 
	are lined up behind them.

				MAYOR
			(into bullhorn)
		Yah-hello-hello...shit!  How the fuck 
		do ya work this damn thing, huh?  Oh.  
		Welcome to our first ever American 
		Teen Princess Parade - which also 
		happens to be the unveiling of our new 
		sewer system!

	CHEERS!  Becky cuts the ribbon.  More CHEERS!

				MAYOR (cont'd)
		Yah-so, while Becky gets on her float, 
		then, any questions kbout the new 
		sewer?  Yah, Clem?

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

	THE PASSING PARADE:

	- THREE FAT VETS, dressed as the Revolutionary War trio, 
	hold American, Minnesota and POW/MIA flags.

	- TWO BATON TWIRLERS stand in front of the Mount Rose 
	High School Band.  They play - way off key.

	- JUDGES wave from a convertible.  Hank, in passenger's 
	seat, struggles to get out.  His seatbelt prevents it.

	- TWO GRUNGY OLD CLOWNS smoke impatiently.

	- TWO FAT WHITE MEN, dressed as Indians, sit on scooters.

	- FAT MAN drives a riding lawnmower, pulling a flatbed 
	with A SPEEDBOAT and a FISHING CAMP GROUP.

	- FARMER pulls a goat with a sign: "Milk Me for $1.00"

	- A BRIGADE of tap dancing BASSOONISTS.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

	Harold and Hank pull over and park their truck.  Harold 
	quickly gets out, obviously in a hurry, slamming on a 
	pouting Hank.

				HAROLD
		Let's get this straight right now.  We 
		wouldn't have been late at all if it 
		wasn't for you. 

				HANK
		I want to have the big bag of little 
		donuts.

				HAROLD
		You get nothing, Hank, okay?

				HANK
		I want to get the big bag of little 
		donuts.

				HAROLD
		There's your paint can.  The next time 
		you drink window cleaner, I'm just 
		gonna leave it in ya.

	Harold rushes off for the parade, joining other folks 
	carrying baskets, lawn chairs and flags on the sidewalk.  

								JUMP CUT TO:

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE STREET - BACK TO DOCUMENTARY CAMERA

	PAN OVER to see Gladys helping Becky climb on the swan, 
	unaware of camera.  In b.g., DOCUMENTARY CREW interviews 
	Amber and Leslie on their convertible behind the swan 
	float.

				GLADYS
		C'mon, Rebecca, you wanted it.  Now 
		get up there.  Ride it side-saddle if 
		you have to - like a horse.  C'mon, 
		now.

				BECKY
		It smells funny.  Like gasoline.

				GLADYS
		Oh for chrissakes, everything smells 
		like that in Mexico.

				BECKY
		My dress'll reek.

				GLADYS
		Listen, little missy, this cost your 
		dad a pretty penny.  Now get your ass 
		up there and show me some teeth.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

	Amber and Leslie, in gowns, look unhappy as they stare 
	straight ahead, exhaust fumes - that appear to come from 
	the swan's ass - cover them and their old convertible.

				LESLIE
		Amber, if I die from these fumes, will 
		you be sure to cover the hickies on my 
		neck?

				AMBER
		Yeah...

				LESLIE
		And the bite marks on my ears?

				AMBER
			(slowly turning)
		Yes...

				LESLIE
		I know it doesn't matter, but on my 
		inner thighs.

				AMBER
		Yes, Leslie!

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

	Hank rubs his head, then angrily gets out of the truck, 
	SLAMMING THE DOOR ON ONE OF THE SUSPENDERS ON HIS 
	OVERALLS.  He starts to walk, but can't, eventually 
	leaning out from the truck - only moving his arms as if 
	walking.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

	Hank, still stuck in the door, is being teased by a GROUP 
	OF KIDS who poke at him with flags and sticks.  ANOTHER 
	LITTLE KID taunts him with his cotton candy - keeping it 
	just out of his reach.  Hank bats at them like 
	Frankenstein and the torch wielding townsfolk.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE SIDE STREET - LATER

	Hank, still stuck in the door, holds the little kid by 
	the back of the shirt in one hand and eats the kid's 
	cotton candy with the other.  The kid struggles to get 
	away.  A few BROKEN FLAGS are scattered on the ground.

				HANK
		Help...Hank!  Help...Hank!  
		Help...Hank!  Help...Hank!

	ON SWAN FLOAT.  Gladys approaches.

				GLADYS
		Okay, I designed the float, you know.  
		And, what's gonna happen here is that 
		this is going to look like a 
		glistening lake beneath the swan.

				IRIS
		Uh, Gladys?

				GLADYS
		What!

				IRIS
		We need more bars!

				GLADYS
		This is -- what?

				IRIS
		Enid ate a whole pan!

				GLADYS
		I swear to God she can't do anything 
		by herself.

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE MAIN STREET - LATER

				AMBER
			(to camera)
		Oh-yah, this is exactly how I pictured 
		it.  Chokin' on swan gas.

	Suddenly, like a gasoline soaked pinata, it EXPLODES!

	Gladys is thrown back.  Flames.  Screaming.  PANDEMONIUM!  
	Becky doesn't have a chance.  She's a pink taffeta BALL 
	OF FIRE.  The swan's back eventually collapses taking 
	Becky into it's burning belly. 

	INTERCUT WITH MR. HOWARD'S VIDEO.

	Gladys watches in stunned silence as her daughter and 
	only chance at State go up in flames.  Suddenly, she 
	CRACKS!

				GLADYS
		Oh my God!  My Baby!  The swan ate my 
		baby!
			(grabbing at burning float)
		Ow-ow-ow!  Get up, Rebecca!  Get outta 
		there!  We've gotta go to State!  Oh 
		hot!
			(she scorches her blouse)
		Oh, damn.  I like this blouse.  
		Rebecca!  Get up, angel face.  Time to 
		go to State!  Ow-ow-ow!

	Eventually, Gladys tries to climb up on the float.  Iris 
	pulls her off.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Get offa me, you cow!

	Gladys spins and notices the silent CROWD.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		What're you lookin' at?  Huh?  A whole 
		God Damn town of losers!  That's what 
		I'm lookin' at!

	Crowd reacts.  Gladys notices Amber and runs up to her 
	car.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		You!  You piece-a-shit trailer trash!  
		This shoulda been you!  Damn, I 
		shoulda killed you when I had the 

	The crows reacts again.  Gladys spins, noticing someone.  
	Lester approaches.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Hey, Ted, sorry.  I didn't know your 
		family was in the garage when I set it 
		on fire!

				LESTER
		Gladys!  Stop it!

				GLADYS
		Guess it wasn't a garage sale as much 
		as it was a bake sale.  Ah-
		hahahahahahahaha!

	Lester tries to pull her away from the crowd.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		Let go-a-me, you old bastard!

	She grabs a BURNING 2X4 off a float and starts swinging 
	it.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
		At least you've got another daughter.

	CROWD GASPS.  Then stunned SILENCE.  CAMERA CIRCLES 
	Gladys and Lester getting reaction shots of the crowd.

				LESTER
		So help me, Gladys.

				GLADYS
		Becky was my only shot at state!

				LESTER
		That's enough!

				GLADYS
		Let go!  Let go of me.  Oh my God, 
		it's COPS!

	TWIN OFFICERS, followed by "COPS" TV CREW, run up and 
	aggressively tackle Gladys.  As the struggle on the 
	ground continues, crew guys go over and shake hands with 
	the "COPS" crew - obviously knowing them.

				GLADYS (cont'd)
			(pointing to Lester)
		He sells reproductions!  His 
		furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

	The COPS crew begins to mingle with the DOCUMENTARY crew.

				SCOTT
		Hey, man, how're you doin'?

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Hi!  What's up, Scott?  You remember 
		Bruce, right?

				SCOTT
		Long time, no see.

				DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
		Bruce, that's Roy.
			(they shake hands)
		Roy, Bruce.

	EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY

	Lovely hillside.  A PASTOR and TOWN FOLK - heads bowed - 
	stand beside a FRESH GRAVE.

				PASTOR
		That's why, dear Lord, it's with such 
		great sorrow that we turn over to you 
		a young woman whose dream of ridin' on 
		a giant swan brought about her 
		untimely death.  Maybe it's your way 
		of telling us to buy American.

	EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

	The funeral is over.  Amber, Loretta, Iris and Servettes 
	awkwardly face each other beside the grave.  Iris takes 
	the PARTIALLY MELTED TIARA from the headstone.

				IRIS
		As, uh, actin' President of the Mount 
		Rose Civil Servettes, it's my duty 
		since Becky can't fulfill her duties - 
		kcause she's dead-n-all - to make you 
		Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

	She puts the TIARA on AMBER.  Loretta FLASHES pictures.

				MALE REPORTER #1
		Turn around and let me see.

	EXT. GRAVEYARD - LATER

	Annette, Amber (wearing her tiara) and Loretta are 
	leaving the crowning ceremony.  All are happy as they 
	push an extremely drugged Annette out of the cemetery.

				LORETTA
		What is wrong with you?

				AMBER
		I don't know.  I just didn't wanna win 
		like this.

				LORETTA
		You stop right there.  You are a good 
		person.  Good things happen to good 
		people.

				AMBER
		Really?

				LORETTA
		No.  It's pure bullshit, sweetie.  
		You're lucky as hell, so you might as 
		well enjoy it.  Let's get you a root 
		beer float.

				AMBER
		Okay.

				LORETTA
		Do you guys want some shots?  I'm 
		buyin'.

	EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY

	Amber sits on the picnic table.  In the b.g., Loretta 
	exits her trailer with a FED-EX GUY.  She pats his buns 
	as he exits.  She approaches Amber with a packet.

				AMBER (V.O.)
		I never liked her, but she didn't 
		deserve to die in the belly of a swan 
		like that.  The whole thing's just 
		kinda sad and lame at the same time.

				LORETTA
			(handing over packet)
		This came for you, sweetie.

				AMBER
		Ah!  It's from State!  Oh my God!

	Amber rips it open and holds up a color brochure with 
	COLLEEN and TERRY in a glamour shot on the cover.

				AMBER (cont'd)
			(paging through packet)
		It's all the stuff I get to do.  Oh my 
		God, oh my God... Okay, okay... We get 
		a "personal consultation" with a make-
		up artist -- Eeeh!  Okay, um, there'll 
		be a choreographer to the stars and, 
		oh no -- No way.  Oh... My... God!

				LORETTA
		What?  For chrissakes, spit it out.

				AMBER
		I'll be stayin' overnight at... The 
		Airport Howard Johnsons!

				LORETTA
		Right by the airport - Oh, Amber...

				AMBER
		There's an indoor swimming pool!  
		Ahhhh!

	Loretta joins in the screaming.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Oh crap - I only got four days.  I 
		gotta practice!

	EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - MORNING

	MONTAGE BEGINS over MUSIC.

	Amber emerges from Loretta's trailer, Pop Tart in mouth, 
	book bag in hand.  SMILES.  WAVES.

	EXT. TRAILER PARK

	Taps her way down the road, out of the trailer park.

	INT. CAFETERIA - MONTAGE

	Amber scrapes trays.  PAN DOWN.  She wears tap shoes, 
	practices her routine.

	INT. HOSPITAL - MONTAGE - DAY

	Amber walks around the room in high heels, balancing a 
	bedpan on her head.

	INT. MORTUARY - MONTAGE

	Amber dances around the room, using a suit on a hanger as 
	a partner.  A naked old man is on the embalming slab, a 
	sheet covering his nasties.

	EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - NIGHT

	In silhouette, Amber taps on the picnic table by the 
	light of the FULL HARVEST MOON.

								DIP TO BLACK:

	EXT. AIRPORT HOWARD JOHNSONS - DAY

	WHITE LETTERS ON BLACK: "STATE FINALS"

	We look up at the towering Howard Johnsons and see a huge 
	banner which reads: "WELCOME AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS, 
	FRIED CLAM PLATTER $9.99." Suddenly, a 747, not more than 
	thirty feet above the hotel, flies over - the sound is 
	deafening.

				LORETTA
		All right, say "Airport Ho-Jo."

				AMBER
		Airport Ho-Jo!

				LORETTA
		I got it!  Yeah, why don't ya take a 
 
	Mr. Larson unloads Amber's luggage from the hearse.  
	Loretta leans against it, arm around Amber, smoking and 
	occasionally flipping off people who stop to stare at 
	this unusual sight.

				AMBER
		Loretta, don't do that.

				LORETTA
		I'm sorry.  They're just starin'.

				AMBER
		I gotta work with these women.

				LORETTA
		Okay, sweetie, that's all right.  
		Let's go.  Let's go.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

	There's a fake tropical look, with loads of plastic 
	palms, etc.  CAMERA FOLLOWS Amber into area.  BANNER: 
	"STATE FINALS - SPONSORED BY THE MINNESOTA MODELING 
	ACADEMY" Contestants (25) sit at tables, they seem more 
	mature, more professional.  Amber smiles and gives a 
	little wave.  Terry approaches Amber.

				TERRY
		And you are...

				AMBER
		Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

				TERRY
		Funny, you don't look dead.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

	Colleen and Terry address the assembled contestants.

	SUPER: COLLEEN DOUGLAS AND TERRY MACEY - MINNESOTA 
	AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS STATE BOARD AND OWNERS OF THE 
	MINNESOTA MODELING ACADEMY

				COLLEEN
		Okay ladies, listen up.  I'm Colleen 
		Douglas and this raving beauty on my 
		right -- 

				TERRY
		I'm a mirror.

				COLLEEN
		Correction.  This spunky monkey on my 
		right is Terry Macey.  And we are your 
		Minnesota American Teen Princess State 
		Board.

				TERRY
		We're also the co-founders of the 
		Minnesota Modeling Academy.  
		Applications are at the tiki bar.  
		We'll wave the fifty dollar 
		application fee if you list a friend 
		and put her address.

				COLLEEN
		That's right.

				TERRY
		Okay?

				COLLEEN
		Mm-hm.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

	Loretta, seated at the bar, puts her arm around a man 
	next to her.

				LORETTA
		So...you're cute.  Oh, I see you're 
		married.
			(to bartender)
		You catch this in your mouth, I'll 
		give you a present.  All right?  Open 
		wide...
			(she throws the olive)
		Oh, God, you got that on the first 
		try.  Come here.

	Loretta kisses the bartender.

				LORETTA (cont'd)
		You are cute.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - COURTYARD STAGE AREA - DAY

				TERRY
		Due to budgetary cutbacks - and the 
		fact that Nationals didn't cough up a 
		damn nickel this year - you won't be 
		stayin' overnight.  So pay attention, 
		you've got about eight hours until 
		showtime.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

	A DISCO BEAT POUNDS from a boom box.  Mr. Melchoir, the 
	choreographer, watches contestants move in fast-paced 
	crisscrossing formations.  Amber is among them.  Miss St. 
	Paul screws up.

				MR. MELCHOIR
		Remember to count, ladies.  Cross on 
		the left and arms up on eight!  On the 
		beat!  On the beat!  Keep on it!  Keep 
		movin' it!  C'mon, Miss Forest Lake, 
		take that stick out of your ass or I 
		will.  All right.  Very nice.  Now 
		come on, arms out.  We're in the front 
		row.  Come on, sell it!  That's very 
		nice.  Remember, figure eights, 
		ladies...

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER

	Colleen and Terry smoke and drink at a tall tiki table 
	that's covered with empties.  In the b.g., a pageant 
	worker passes out PINK BAGS to the contestants.  All the 
	while, TWO FAT KIDS play "Marco Polo" in the pool.

				COLLEEN
			(tipsy, holding up glass)
		I can sum up our entire philosophy 
		with this glass.  I look at it and 
		say, "it's half full."  Which, in the 
		beauty pageant biz means, "Where the 
		hell's my waiter!"

	She laughs hard, then spins around in her chair.

				COLLEEN (cont'd)
			(screaming)
		Stop with the fuckin' Marco-Polo 
		before I rip your fat little heads 
		off!

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS

	A very mature Miss Burnsville talks to Amber who is 
	staring at Miss Burnsville's supernaturally well-
	supported chest.

				MR. MELCHOIR
		Miss Burnsville, you're up next...

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. STAGE AREA - AUDIENCE CHAIRS - MOMENTS LATER

	Amber sits addressing the camera.  Miss Burnsville is 
	gone.

				AMBER
		Don't tell anyone, but, I have a 
		little secret weapon of my own.

	Amber pulls out a jar of Vaseline from her purse and 
	smiles innocently.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET - DAY

	Contestants hungrily fill their plates with seafood.

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA - SHELLFISH BUFFET

	Amber stands beside the buffet, holding only a salad.

				AMBER
		I don't eat shellfish.  Mom always 
		says, "Don't ever eat nothin' that can 
		carry its house around with it - who 
		knows the last time it's been 
		cleaned."  She should know.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - BAR AREA

	Amber eats at a tall tiki table with Miss Minneapolis.

				MISS MINNEAPOLIS
		... I've done about thirty-five 
		pageants.  I guess my most memorable 
		one'd have to be Miss Teen America, 
		1995.  It was in Vegas.  My roommate 
		did Adam West.

	SUPER: MR. WEST WAS UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

				MISS MINNEAPOLIS (cont'd)
		She said he was sooo horny.

	Amber stares at her with wide-eyed disbelief.

								JUMP CUT TO:

	INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - STAGE AREA - DAY

	Amber watches four contestants in a row practice their 
	talents.  All are equally amazing.  
	"THEME from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" starts.  Miss 
	Minneapolis steps ON STAGE - silver unitard, silver 
	streamers, silver tap shoes.  She starts a TAP ROUTINE 
	that RIVALS AMBER'S.

				AMBER
			(whispering to camera)
		Oh my God.  Look at her, she's 
		awesome.  I should just go home now.

	Terry and Colleen stand in front of the stage.

				TERRY
		Okay, okay, that's enough - I get it.  

	SUDDENLY Miss Minneapolis FREEZES.

				MISS MINNEAPOLIS
		Oh - oh my God...
			(doubling over in pain)
		I gotta go!

	She runs off toward the RESTROOM.

				COLLEEN
			(calling after her)
		Well, you're gonna have to do 
		somethin' with those nerves before 
		Nationals.  Thirty-million people 
		aren't gonna wait while you run to the 
		john.

	Other waiting contestants suddenly double over, ad-
	libbing "oh no! oh my God!"  "I'm gonna puke!" etc.  More 
	contestants grab their bellies.

	NEWS FOOTAGE: INT. HOWARD JOHNSONS - MORE FOOTAGE

				FEMALE REPORTER
			(hand on earpiece)
		Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.  
		A salmonella dysentery outbreak, now 
		traced to improperly refrigerated 
		shellfish, was believed to be the 
		cause.  Joining us now is David 
		Richardson, a member of the 
		documentary crew filming the pageant.  
		He was there when tragedy struck.

	TELEVISION SET

				CREW GUY
		Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks 
		everywhere.  I've never seen anything 
		like it before, and I live in L.A.
			(laughs)
		Hey, Ed.

				FEMALE REPORTER #2
		Can you tell us any thing about the 
		controversy?  Is there a controversy 
		here?  Has there been sabotage?

	Follow REPORTER as she runs over to Amber, Colleen and 
	Terry.  All three look dazed.  Reporters SHOUT questions.

				COLLEEN
			(with forced sobriety)
		People, people - wait, wait a minute, 
		here.  Uh, while we haven't ruled out 
		sabotage from neighboring state 
		pageants - Iowa, Wisconsin, North 
		Dakota...

				TERRY
		Yeah.

				COLLEEN
		Dakota.

				TERRY
		Ohio...

				COLLEEN
		That bitch from...

				TERRY
		What?

				COLLEEN
		Wisconsin.

				TERRY
		All right, then.

				COLLEEN
		The bitch.

				TERRY
		The important thing is that we have a 
		winner...

	PULL BACK to reveal we're:

	INT. MOUNT ROSE V.F.W. - BAR - NIGHT

	The mayor and other vets, watch Amber on the TV.

				COLLEEN (ON T.V.)
		And, on behalf of the Minnesota 
		Modeling Academy, we proudly present 
		Amber Atkins.  Your new Minnesota 
		American Teen Princess.

	The place ERUPTS in CHEER!  ON TV: Terry sets a tiara on 
	Amber's head.  FLASHES.

				MAYOR
		Yah, ain't it just a kick in the 
		fuckin' ass!?!?  I'll be a snake's 
		prick if tragedy and pageants ain't 
		got a way of bringin' folks 
		together...
			(directly at camera)
		Yous boys tell me when want me to 
		start, okay?

	INT. HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY

				IONA
		Amber?!  What-the-hell's goin' on 
		around here?  I'm Mount Rose American 
		Teen Princess. Where the hell's my 
		tiara?  I bet those sneaky little Japs 
		took it...

	INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

	Cathy and other townsfolk are glued to a small TV set on 
	the counter.

				FEMALE REPORTER (ON T.V.)
		Amber, how do you feel?

				AMBER
		I, uh... I feel like... I, uh, I need 
		a shower.

	Townsfolk laugh and cheer.

				CATHY
		Jesus-Mary-n-Joseph I hope Gladys 
		Leeman hangs herself in her cell when 
		she hears this.

	INT. WOMEN'S PRISON - REC ROOM

	ROUGH HAND HELD FOOTAGE.  We see Gladys walking around, 
	holding onto the back of a large black woman's belt.

				GLADYS
		Uh-huh.  No, no.  Gosh, no.  You know 
		I still don't want to be on camera...

	SUPER: PHONE INTERVIEW WITH GLADYS LEEMAN FROM MINNETONKA 
	WOMEN'S FACILITY

				GLADYS (V.O. ON THE PHONE)
		Yah - I just wanna say - that little 
		bitch better watch her back at 
		Nationals kcause I'm makin' friends on 
		the inside... Yah-friends who have 
		friends on the outside...

				FEMALE PRISONER
		Get your sweet ass off the bunk, 
		Cinnamon.

				GLADYS (V.O. ON PHONE)
		Gotta go.

	Click.  DIAL TONE.

	EXT. LORETTA'S TRAILER - DAY

	Annette (left arm's been amputated and replaced with 
	metal pincers which she hasn't mastered yet) sits at the 
	picnic table with Amber and Loretta.  Throughout the 
	following, Annette struggles to open a beer can which 
	keeps flying out of her pincers.  (Handmade 
	"congratulations" posters cover the lawn and trailer.)

				AMBER
		I just, I just can't believe it.  I'm 
		Minnesota's American Teen Princess!

				LORETTA
		Our baby's going to Nationals!  
		Lincoln, Alabama - look out!

				AMBER
		I'm gonna be on TV!  Just like Diane 
		Sawyer.

	Annette opens a beer with a new HOOK replacing her hand.

				LORETTA
		Annette, just use your hand.  

				ANNETTE
		They told me to practice.

				AMBER
		Okay, ready?  Here's the signal I'm 
		gonna give Ma when I'm on TV.

	Amber MIMES inhaling a cigarette and Annette embraces 
	her.

				ANNETTE
		My little Carol Burnett.

	EXT. AIR FIELD

	In the middle of a corn field.  The "runaway" is a gravel 
	path cut between rows of corn.  A FOUR-SEATER plane is on 
	the runway, in front of a group of town folk with hand-
	made "good luck" signs.  Amber (in Minnesota sash and 
	tiara) and the Mayor stand beside the plane.  (NOTE: The 
	plane never moves.)

	EXT. AIR FIELD - LATER

				MAYOR
			(into bullhorn)
		Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen 
		Princess - soon to be the next 
		America's American Teen Princess - our 
		little Amber!

	ZOOM IN ON AMBER as PEOPLE cheer Amber on.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY

	A giant Sarah Rose Cosmetics logo on the wall greets 
	Amber.

	SUPER: SARAH ROSE COSMETICS NATIONAL HEADQUARTERS, 
	LINCOLN, ALABAMA.

	The CONTESTANTS, including Amber, look around for the 
	directory.  It reads: FOR LEASE.  A sign at the front of 
	the building reads: SEIZED.

	SUPER: IN ITS FIFTIETH YEAR, SARAH ROSE COSMETICS WAS 
	SEIZED BY THE IRS FOR TAX EVASION...

	As the CAMERA catches the reactions of our contestants -

	SUPER: THE SARAH ROSE COSMETICS AMERICAN TEEN PRINCESS 
	PAGEANT WAS CANCELED...

	We STOP on MISS OKLAHOMA.  She SCREAMS

	SUPER: ...PERMANENTLY

	EXT. SARAH ROSE COSMETICS, NAT'L HEADQUARTERS - DAY

	As the contestants run out the building...

	SUPER: BUT IN ITS PASSING WE ARE INSPIRED BY THE SPIRIT 
	OF THE MANY YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE ITS HEART AND SOUL...

	Contestants THROW and HURL suitcases and items through 
	the glass of the building.

	SUPER: ...AND BY THE MANY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN PURSUIT 
	OF THE TITLE...

	The contestants TEAR DOWN the Sarah Rose Logo.

								DIP TO BLACK:

	EXT. CHASKA SCHOOL OF BEAUTY

	A very perky Leslie Miller, with very big hair, stands 
	out front in a white lab coat.  She smiles and waves to 
	camera.

	SUPER: LESLIE MILLER ENTERED "THE CHASKA SCHOOL OF 
	BEAUTY"...

	EXT. STRIP BAR - NIGHT

	A COLOR PHOTO of slightly less perky Leslie, wearing go-
	go boots and a smile, dances in a cage.

	SUPER: SHE WAS LAST HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE 
	PHILIPPINES.  IF YOU SEE HER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-X-QUEEN.

								DIP TO BLACK:

	INT./EXT. HARDWARE HANK

	It's a lovely shot of the front window

	SUPER: HAROLD VILMES DIED UNEXPECTEDLY OF LYMES DISEASE 
	FROM A DEER TICK BITE

	Suddenly, HANK, buck naked, runs back and forth past the 
	window, spanking himself and waving "hi."

	SUPER CONT: LEAVING HANK THE STORE

								DIP TO BLACK:

	EXT. MOUNT ROSE - STREET

	MOLLY HOWARD is being helped into a van with "Lutheran 
	Children's Orphanage" painted on the side.  She looks 
	sad.

	SUPER: MOLLY HOWARD RETURNED TO THE "LUTHERAN CHILDREN'S 
	ORPHANAGE" AFTER HER PARENTS WERE GUNNED DOWN BY A SNIPER 
	OUTSIDE THE FOOD SHACK.

	INT. ROOM - DAY

	CLOSE UP of a newspaper photo of Gladys.

	SUPER: GLADYS LEEMAN ENTERED A STATE-WIDE PRISON BEAUTY 
	PAGEANT... 

	The banner and hat she wears read: MINNESOTA 2ND PLACE, 
	CELL BLOCK

	SUPER: ...SHE CAME IN SECOND.

	INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

	"EX-BEAUTY QUEEN ESCAPES PRISON, VOWS "REVENGE ON MOUNT 
	ROSE"

	EXT. MAIN STREET - FOOD SHACK

	Gladys, wearing Army Fatigues and brandishing a semi-
	automatic rifle aimed at the FOOD SHACK, holds off a 
	S.W.A.T. team.

				GLADYS
		Come on out, you little blonde piece 
		of trailer park trash!

	LOCAL NEWSCAST

	Female reporter is on the scene of the Gladys Leeman 
	stand-off outside the food shack.  We see Amber, Annette 
	(with hook hand) and other town folk behind her, watching 
	the action.  "LIVE" flashes on screen.

	SUPER: DURING THE SIX-HOUR GLADYS LEEMAN STAND-OFF

				FEMALE REPORTER
		We are here in the sixth hour of a 
		shoot-out between Gladys Leeman -

				MAN AT FOOD SHACK
		Get down!

	The female reporter suddenly stiffens and falls over.

	SUPER: LOCAL REPORTER PAT MILES WAS STRUCK BY A STRAY 
	POLICE BULLET.

	Amber steps under the police barricade, over Pat's body, 
	takes the mic and continues the newscast.  She's a 
	natural.

				AMBER
		This is Amber Atkins reporting live 
		from the Food Shack for...KRLH News.  
		One of our reporters has just been 
		shot.

	SUPER: AMBER, SHOWING AMAZING POISE UNDER PRESSURE, WAS 
	GIVEN HER JOB.

								DISSOLVE TO:

	INT. MINNEAPOLIS NEWS STATION

	Amber, now looking like a Midwestern news anchor, sits 
	with a BLOND MALE ANCHOR.  A LOGO in B.G. reads: TV WAZB 
	TWIN CITIES.  

				BLONDE NEWS ANCHOR
		I'm Peter Aitchison.

				AMBER
		And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZB News.

	SUPER: ...was given her job.

				AMBER (cont'd)
		Good night.

	As they smile and laugh, we:

								FADE OUT.




Drop Dead Gorgeous



Writers :   Lona Williams
Genres :   Comedy


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