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                                   EASY "A"

                         

                                  Written by
                         
                                 Bert V. Royal
                         
                         
                         
                         
                                                      FIRST DRAFT
                                                   August 3, 2008
                         
   


                         IN DARKNESS:
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           The rumors of my promiscuity have
           been greatly exaggerated.
                         
                          FADE IN:
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into
          the WEBCAM atop her computer.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Let the record show that I, Olive
           Penderghast, being of sound mind,
           ample breast size and the
           occasional corny knock knock joke,
           do enter this video blog into
           evidence in the case against me.
           Because I'm being judged by a jury
           of my peers, I will attempt to
           insert `like' and `totally' into my
           confession as much as possible. So
           here it goes... I confess I'm, in
           no small part, to blame for the
           vociferous gossip that has turned
           my Varsity letter scarlet, but -
           for anyone hoping that the sizzling
           details of my sordid past will
           provide you with a reason to lock
           the door and make love to a dollop
           of your sister's moisturizing
           lotion - you'll be gravely
           disappointed.
           (Beat.)
           Look, I just need to set the record
           straight and what better way to do
           that, than to broadcast it on the
           Internet. So, here it is -- Part
           One: The Shudder-Inducing and
           Cliched, However Totally False
           Account Of How I Lost My Virginity
           To A Guy At A Community College In
           A Neighboring Town.
           (Beat.)
           Let me just begin by saying that
           there are two sides to every story.
           This is my side, the right one.
           (Beat.)
           Like, totally.
           2.
                         
                         
          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                         
          Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a
          brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are
          definitely on the "B List" at their school.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Fuck off! George is not a `sexy'
           name. George is like what you name
           your teddy bear, not the name you
           wanna scream out during an orgasm.
                         
                          OLIVE
           That's bullshit. There are lots of
           sexy Georges.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Name three.
                         
          Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her.
                         
                          RHIANNON (CONT'D)
           Besides Clooney. Too easy.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Shouldn't that alone be enough?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Fine. That's one. Number two?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (THINKING)
           Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves!
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Who's that?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Superman. From way back. He was
           hot.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           No way. Teddy bear.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him
           in that movie!
                         
                          RHIANNON
           So what? Charlize Theron played
           that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial
           killer. Besides he's from another
           century.
                          (MORE)
           3.
                         
                          RHIANNON (CONT'D)
           We're speaking present day. I
           mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably
           a sexy name in some era.
                         
                          OLIVE
           George Stephanopolous.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           What are you? Fifty?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (THINKING HARD)
           George...
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Bush? Yeah. He's one hot
           mutherfucker. Just face it.
           There's no such thing as a sexy
           George.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, mine is. So, I think we
           should just put this conversation
           to bed.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Fine. Don't come. I hate you.
                         
          Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Olive continues to narrate into her webcam.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Let me back up. I don't know if
           any of you have ever met them, but
           Rhiannon's parents are quite
           possibly the creepiest people in a
           four county radius.
                         
                         
          INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM
                         
          MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at
          the television, in their horrifically rustic home.
                         
          MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player,
          Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even
          more frightening smile.)
                         
          MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a
          Mormon.
           4.
                         
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           I've always felt sort of sorry for
           Rhiannon, but not enough to do what
           she was asking me to do.
                         
          We float upwards to -
                         
                         
          INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           (Into the phone)
           PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you.
           I'll pay you.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation.
                         
          We INTERCUT between the two sides.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhi, I can't. I told you I have
           plans.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           You're lying. You're a lying bitch
           and I hate you so much right now.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (LYING)
           I'm not lying. I promise I'm not.
           I really would love to go camping
           with your family this weekend. I
           had fun with your family last year.
                         
                         
          EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT
                         
          Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a
          campfire with the Abernathys.
                         
          The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile
          plastered on their faces.
                         
          There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence.
                         
           MR. ABERNATHY
           Would you like a marshmallow, Olive
           Oil?
           5.
                         
                         
          Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly
          high-pitched.
                         
           MRS. ABERNATHY
           Olive oil. That's funny. Very,
           very funny.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (POLITELY)
           No thank you, Mr. Abernathy.
                         
           MR. ABERNATHY
           You can call me Mortimer, Olive
           Branch.
                         
          Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes.
                         
          There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys
          grin away at their fire.
                         
                         
          INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           (Into the phone)
           Why don't you just say it? You
           don't like my parents. You think
           they're hopelessly pathetic and
           devoid of souls and wish that you
           could live with normal people who
           didn't meet at a Star Trek
           convention!!
                         
          She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Sympathetic to her
                          FRIEND)
           Rhi, I like your parents. They're
           sweet. But I can't go camping this
           weekend.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Quick. Hurry and make up a lie.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I have a date.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Liar.
           6.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (LYING)
           No. I do.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           With who?
                         
                          OLIVE
           You don't know him.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           And neither do you, you selfish
           bitch!
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm serious. He goes to the
           community college with my brother
           in Denton.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           What's his name then?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (WAXING CUTE)
           Who? My brother?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Stop stalling. You're totally
           trying to come up with a name.
           Just say it.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm not proud of this. Less about
           the lie and more about the
           unoriginality of it. Okay, have
           you guys ever watched `The Brady
           Bunch'? Of course you haven't.
           You're busy watching fake people
           pretend to be real on MTV. That's
           why I knew I could get away with
           it. See, there was this episode
           where Jan - the awkward middle
           child - made up a boyfriend to
           assuage the ridicule of her snatchy
           sister who had just stolen the
           heart of the boy that Jan loved.
           The name of her imaginary boyfriend
                          WAS --
           7.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Into the phone)
           George Glass.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           George? What kind of a fucking
           name is George?
                         
                          OLIVE
           He's pretty hot and he asked me out
           this weekend, so I said yes.
                         
          Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           If you're choosing him over helping
           me cope with two days in the
           wilderness with these people who
           even I'm not convinced aren't
           serial killers, he had better be
           the one. You had better fucking
           marry him, have fucking babies with
           him and then take him for fucking
           everything he's worth.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Deal.
                         
                         
          INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a
          tater tot into her mouth.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           (With her mouth full)
           You're not off the hook, you know.
           I want lurid details. This had
           better be the best date of your
           life to counterbalance the worst
           weekend of mine.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm sure you'll have a good time.
                         
                         
          EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
                         
          Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at
          the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment.
           8.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          To her webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Through the proverbial
                          CLENCHED TEETH)
           Even though we now hate each other,
           Rhi, I really hope you're watching
           this. Because this part's for you.
           The lurid details of my weekend en
           flagrante delicto with the all-too-
           imaginary, yet surprisingly
           satisfying George Glass:
                         
          Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album
          `Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of
                         OLIVE'S WEEKEND:
                         
          In her bedroom, Olive --
                         
          -- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling.
                         
           KEN NORDINE (V.O.)
           Olive.
           Poor thing.
                         
          -- paints her toenails Jungle Red.
                         
           KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           Sits and thinks
           that it's drab.
           Sure does.
           Sits and sits and sits and sits and
                          THINKS
           about it's olive drab drab.
                         
          -- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and
          a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.'
                         
           KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                          DOESN'T KNOW
           that it is about to be named
           `Color of the Year,'
           by those with the nose for the new.
           By the passionate few.
           Yeah...
                         
          -- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine.
                         
           KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
           Olive is definitely in.
                          EVERYTHING
           that can possibly mean
                          (MORE)
           9.
                         
           KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
           anything!
           Anywhere!
           At least for a year.
                         
          -- dances some more.
                         
           KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           Has got to be Olive!
           Did you hear that Olive?
           Did ya?
           Know what it means?
           Oh Olive!
           There'll be olive cars
           and olive trucks
           and olive chickens
           and olive ducks
           and olive socks
           and olive garters
           And olive brakes
           and olive starters!
           Olive, sorry!
           Olive, please!
                          OLIVE WHATNOTS
           and olive trees!
           Olive trees?
           What a quaint notion...
           Olive trees.
                          (CHUCKLING)
           Olive.
                         
          Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the
          NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          To the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
           how my weekend was...
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in
          and out of people.
                         
                          OLIVE
           It was nothing short of perfection.
           10.
                         
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Details, bitch. Wait, first I need
           a scope of reference. Who would
           play him in the movie of your life?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Ryan Gosling, definitely.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           That works. Spill.
                         
                          OLIVE
           He was charming. A real gentleman.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Are you going to see him again?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Probably not. It was just one of
           those weekends.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           The whole weekend?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yeah.
                         
          Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Wait a minute. You didn't...
                         
                          OLIVE
           No, of course not.
                         
                          RHIANNON
                          (VERY LOUDLY)
           You fucking liar! You totally lost
           your virginity to him.
                         
          Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I did not.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING
           WHORE!
                         
          Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.
                         
                          RHIANNON (CONT'D)
           Tell me everything and spare me the
           coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit.
                          (MORE)
           11.
                         
                          RHIANNON (CONT'D)
           I know you did it! I know you let
           him put it inside you, so just TELL
           ME!
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm not that kind of girl.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           The kind that does it or the kind
           that does it like a fucking porn
           star and then doesn't have the
           balls to talk about it?
                         
          Rhi drags her into the --
                         
                         
          INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          -- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           I want every perverted detail.
           NOW, bitch.
                         
          Pressured, Olive lies.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Okay. Fine. We did it.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           You lost your virginity! Fucking
           finally! Now, you're a super-slut
           like me!
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once
           behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make
           you a super-slut.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           There were people walking past.
           Whatever, this isn't about me.
           This is about YOU. What did you
           let him do?
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           I started piling on lie after lie.
           It was like setting up Jenga.
                         
                          CUT TO:
           12.
                         
                         
          A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto
          a table.
                         
                          BACK TO:
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           It was... Normal. Nothing freaky.
           It was sweet. HE was sweet.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Was he big? Did it hurt?
                         
                          OLIVE
           No. It was great. Like I said.
           Okay, that's enough.
                         
          The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque,
          cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks
          to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while
          staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           What the fuck are you looking at,
           Marianne?
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Nothing. Just a couple of admitted
           whores.
                         
          Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's
          stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission.
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, how was your weekend?
                         
          (I promise it's the last time...)
                         
                         
          EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
                         
          The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS.
          Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there.
                         
           MR. ABERNATHY
           Wienie, Rhi?
                         
          Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
           13.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
           the President of the Christian
           Student Coalition and is that rare
           breed of human born with a stick
           the size of a baseball bat
           implanted up her anus. God's
           honest. I'm sure it's in some
           medical dictionary somewhere.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR
                         
          Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as
          awful as she is, pass out flyers.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Last year's cause celebre was the
           changing of the school mascot,
           which she spearheaded.
                         
          Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing
          students faces.
                         
                         
          INT. GYM - LAST YEAR
                         
          The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted
          BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and
          begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the
          air.
                         
                          MASCOT
           Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
           Devils!
                         
          The crowd goes wild.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR -
                         CONTINUOUS
                         
          Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the
          arm.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           How can we exhibit school pride
           when we're conveyed to others as
           satan worshippers?
                         
          The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.
           14.
                         
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Now, thankfully, we're the much
           less intimidating --
                         
                         
          INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER
                         
          The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into
          the gym dressed as a --
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Meerkat.
                         
                          MASCOT
           Go meerkats! Go meerkats!
                         
          He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited -
          with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands
          applauding proudly.
                         
          The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.'
                         
          Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           What the fuck is a meerkat anyway?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Beats the hell out of me. But can
           we just take a moment to applaud
           the Barbara Bush High School
           Marching Band for their very
           ambitious effort to learn all of
           the James Bond theme music in a
           single year? I personally wish
           them all the best in their
           endeavor. Ku-dos!
                         
                          RHIANNON
           I think I speak for all of the
           female students and faculty - and
           maybe a couple of males - when I
           say that I liked Todd much better
           when he was shirtless. I actually
           looked forward to these disturbing
           displays of -- what do they call
           it?
                         
                          OLIVE
           School spirit.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Yeah. That's it.
           15.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Even dressed as a meerkat, I still
           fantasize about him.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Ha! What are those people called
           again? The ones that dress up like
           stuffed animals when they do it?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Communists.
                         
          Rhiannon laughs.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you
           say that word. The last thing we
           need is McCarthyism at Barbara
           Bush.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Isn't high school already a hotbed
           of just that?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           True.
           (Beat.)
           Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat
           Todd.
                         
          They both get lost in the thought.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, of course, immediately I knew
           that the little white lie I told to
           my then-best-friend in the ladies
           room would come back to bite me on
           the ass. However, even I - who my
           fourth grade teacher stated on my
           report card `has an imagination
           that should be quickly expunged' -
           had no idea how quickly this
           article of fiction would spread.
           So, now we move on to Part Two: The
           Accelerated Velocity of
           Terminological Inexactitude.
           16.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk
          past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look.
                         
          Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to
          them.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for
           a second?
                         
          Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone.
                         
                          MARIANNE
                          (EXASPERATED)
           What?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Listen, what you heard in the
           bathroom, that wasn't true. It's
           actually a funny story. Do you
           ever watch `The Brady Bunch'?
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Olive - that's your name, right?
                         
          Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly
          nods.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I'm not the one you have to answer
           to for your depraved behavior.
           There is a higher power to judge
           your indecency.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (JOKINGLY)
           Who? The guidance counselor?
                         
                          MARIANNE
                          (ICILY)
           I hope for your sake, God has a
           sense of humor.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh, I have sixteen years worth of
           anecdotal proof that He does.
                         
          Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of
          GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued.
           17.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
                          (SOTTO VOCE)
           Damn it.
                         
          Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive,
          coldly.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Look. You've made your bed. I
           just hope for your sake, you
           cleaned the sheets.
                         
          She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (TO HERSELF)
           Did I just get saved?
                         
          She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
          past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.
                         
           GUY IN HALL
           Hey Olive. How's it going?
                         
          Without stopping --
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-
           on-before. Thanks for asking.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           All I could think to myself was
           `Great, now I'm going to have to
           start wearing red lipstick and
           stiletto heels.'
                         
          Battling her frustration, she goes to class.
                         
                         
          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Olive eats dinner with her family.
                         
          Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her
          mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition.
          Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister,
          GINGER (12).
                         
          Olive and her folks get along really well.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hey, you guys know that I was here
           all weekend, right?
           18.
                         
                         
          They all nod at her.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           And you would testify to that?
                         
                          DILL
                          (SLIGHTLY CONCERNED)
           What's up, sweet pea?
                         
                          OLIVE
           It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           What's the rumor mill turning out
           these days?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Seriously, it's nothing.
                         
          They continue to eat.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Don't forget your brother's staying
           here next weekend.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Why? He never comes home.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           They're fumigating the dorms. And
           thank God for that. Last time I
           was there, I saw three cockroaches.
                         
                          GINGER
                          (WHINY)
           Mom, can you please not say that
           word while I'm eating?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Sorry, hon.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Like all families, mine has a deep
           dark secret. And since I'm
           spilling all this dirt, I might as
           well go ahead and confess it.
                         
          She takes a deep breath.
           19.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I'm trusting that this nugget of
           information isn't going to be
           spread around, but - okay, here it
           goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
           mother's name is Rosemary. They
           were so amused by this that they
           decided to name all of their
           children after --
                          (FEIGNING DISCOMFORT)
           -- edible items.
           (With mock emotion)
           My brother's name is Sage and my
           sister's name is Ginger. It's
           shocking, I know. We're like a
           fucking pantry, us Penderghasts!
                          (SNAPPING BACK)
           But at least my parents didn't meet
           at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH!
           Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean.
           Okay. Back to the story.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally
          different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are
          checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully.
                         
          She's kind of digging it.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           So, while I would never have
           classified myself as a wallflower,
           I was now the center of attention
           and who doesn't love that? Jeez,
           if I'd known that losing my
           virginity would create such a new
           persona for myself, I'd have lied
           about it back in eighth grade.
           Eighth grade sucked. I did get my
           first kiss back then, however. It
           was gross and kind of turned me off
           to the whole my-tongue-in-other-
           people's-mouths thing. Not to
           mention, the even-worse other-
           people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing.
           Seriously, folks. Who invented
           kissing? Why is everyone so dead-
           set on sticking their body parts in
           other people's orifices? If
           there's a hole on a person, rest
           assured, somebody wants to stick
           something of theirs in it.
           20.
                         
                         
          INT. CLOSET
                         
          In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE
          OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13).
                         
          You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering
          outside the door.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           So, I think this is the part where
           you're supposed to stick your
           tongue in my mouth. It's just what
           I've heard.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Just give me a second, okay?
                         
          Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           According to my watch, you have 382
           of them.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           How do you do that?
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           What?
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Add so fast. And you also talk
           like a grown up.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Don't worry. I'm not nearly as
           smart as I think I am.
                         
          The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I think it's just practice. For
           when I do grow up. Plus, don't
           sweat it. Girls mature faster than
           boys.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           That's what they say.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           And it's probably the reason I'm
           ready to do this and you're not.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Is it that obvious?
           21.
                         
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Painfully so.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           So, if we didn't do anything, would
           you tell everybody?
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Absolutely. I will tell everyone
           you pussied out and the whole
           school will make fun of you and
           you'll most likely spend the rest
           of your teen years as a joke - no,
           even worse - a cautionary tale.
                         
          They both laugh.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
           Girl.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           They'll tell it for years. It'll
           be a suburban legend.
                         
          The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Thanks, Olive.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Don't mention it.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           No. YOU don't mention it.
                         
          She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they
          swear on it.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           We still have five minutes and
           thirty six seconds.
                         
          There's a long silence.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           I'm really interested in politics.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Oh yeah?
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Totally.
           22.
                         
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Well,... Uh.... Cool.
                         
          There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door
                         --
                         
           PRETEEN KID (O.S.)
           Ewwwww. Hunter Neblett just puked
           all over the dining room.
                         
          Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the
          closet.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           Thank God.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
           Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit-
           viewing will always trump spit-
           swapping.
                         
          The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Real fast - and you can tell me the
           truth. It's not because I'm --
                         
          The kid smiles.
                         
           EIGHTH GRADE KID
           No. You're very pretty.
                         
          He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her
          quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet.
                         
          Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what
          just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then
          she opens the door.
                         
          The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking
          past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the
          closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his
          mouth.
                         
          They make out.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and
          the task at hand.
           23.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was
           going to turn out so hot, I
           probably would have cherished the
           moment more. I suppose just that
           I'm sitting here reminiscing about
           it means that it must have meant
           something.
           (Beat.)
           Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not
           really my thing. That's what I
           learned in Natalie Giblin's closet.
           I digress...
                         
                         
          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR.
          GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE
          SCARLET LETTER.'
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass,
           because everyone thinks I've been
           deflowered. I'm surprised at how
           empowered I felt by this
           prevarication. I wonder to myself,
           would I feel this invigorated if I
           had actually let some college kid
           violate me in his cockroach-
           infested dorm room? Probably not.
           (Beat.)
           Ironically, we were studying `The
           Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that
           always the way with these teenage
           tales? The literature you read in
           class always seems to have a strong
           connection with whatever angsty
           adolescent drama is being
           recounted. I consider this.
           (Pause.)
           Then I think: Except for
           `Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know
           any teenage boys who have ever run
           away with a big, hulking black guy.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Alright, so thoughts?
                         
          Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.
                         
                          NINA
           I think Hester Prynne was - excuse
           my language - a whore.
           24.
                         
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           You don't see her as a victim?
                         
                          NINA
           Why should I? She brought it on
           herself.
                         
          Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Excuse me?
                         
                          NINA
           Perhaps you should embroider a red
           A on your wardrobe?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe,
           you twat!
                         
          The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin
          tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her
          direction.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           Admittedly, not my best line. But
           it was provocative enough to land
           me in the Principal's office.
                         
          Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts
          writing something on a piece of paper.
                         
                         
          INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's
          office. She clenches a note in her fist.
                         
          Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she
          watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the
          stapler, repetitively.
                         
                         FINALLY --
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Seems as if someone's on a downward
           spiral.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Seems as if someone's practicing
           the mundane activities she'll be
           saddled with the rest of her
           pathetic life.
           25.
                         
                         
                          MARIANNE
           You have a chip on your shoulder
           the size of Texas.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Wow, that's even bigger than your
           ass.
                         
                          MARIANNE
                          (COLDLY)
           You're going to hell.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Growing weary of this
                          BANTER)
           As long as you won't be there...
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Oh, I can assure you I won't.
                         
          Neither says anything for a few moments.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I hope you at least had the good
           sense to wear a condom.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Why? Your parents didn't.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           You know, you're just like --
                         
          The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
          continues her work.
                         
          TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other,
          obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a
          BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange
          meaningful glances.
                         
          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a
          man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters --
                         
                         
          INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and
          she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons
          studies it.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           I don't know you.
                         
          She thrusts her hand out.
           26.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Olive Penderghast.
                         
          He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           Why are we just now meeting? Using
           language like this should have
           warranted a visit to me years ago.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, to be perfectly honest - I've
           never used an epithet like this in
           an educational arena before. Sir.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           This is foul.
                         
                          OLIVE
           In my defense, I think I meant to
           say `twit.' It just came out more -
           what's the word I'm looking for?
           Veracious.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           A young lady with such an extensive
           vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
           such vituperations.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (SMILING)
           Touché.
                         
          As serious as a heart attack...
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           Wipe that smile off your face --
           (Consulting the note)
           Olive. I don't tolerate this kind
           of language. Ever. Consider this
           your first warning. If I find out
           you've used a word like this in my
           school again, I will make sure that
           it's your last. I don't operate on
           a `three strikes you're out
           system'. You get one warning from
           me.
                         
          She starts to say something --
                         
           PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)
           Think very carefully before you
           speak.
           27.
                         
                         
          She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I always do. Are we finished?
                         
          He gestures to the door.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           Detention tomorrow after school in
           Room 704. And, young lady, I don't
           want to see you again.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Not even in a more positive
           capacity? Maybe I could win a
           ribbon or a medal or something. I
           could conceivably be valedictorian.
           Or something.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
                          (FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS)
           Get out of my office now.
                         
          She quickly runs out of his office.
                         
                         
          EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
                         
          Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Please tell me the rumors are true.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yes, I'm a big whore.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Not that one. The one where you
           called Nina Howell a cunt and then
           socked her in the nose.
                         
                          OLIVE
           It's not entirely true.
           (Beat.)
           Look, there's something I need to
           tell you.
                         
          Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Yeah. Like the exact moment you
           turned into such a BAD ASS? I
           think I'm in LOVE with you.
                          (MORE)
           28.
                         
                          RHIANNON (CONT'D)
           Please tell me you at least left a
           mark on that scrunched-up face of
           hers. POW! The cunt goes down for
           the count!
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (FRUSTRATED)
           Never mind.
                         
          Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her
          car.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I want a car.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Please. It's my only perk. Trust
           me.
                         
          They get into her car.
                         
                         
          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
          family dinner.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I got sent to the Principal today.
                         
          Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is
          definitely a first.
                         
                          DILL
           What did you do?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I used inappropriate language in
           English class. But we're reading a
           book that I, personally, deem
           wildly inappropriate for my age
           group, so I felt that it was
           actually quite apropos.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           (More curious than angry)
           What did you say?
                         
          Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying
          the word out loud.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Let's just say it was an
           inappropriate word.
           29.
                         
                         
                          DILL
           What did it start with?
                         
                          OLIVE
           A snide comment from a snotty-ass
           girl in my class.
                         
                          DILL
           I meant what letter did it start
           with?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh. Yeah. T.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           T? That's an odd one. Is this one
           of those new curse words?
                         
          Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the
          answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing.
                         
                          ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
           Was it -- ?
                         
          She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I don't even know what that means.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Yeah. Neither do I.
                         
          Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to
          them.
                         
                          DILL
           Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Noun. Definitely slang. Think
           British, although they pronounce it
           differently.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in
           my ear.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I can't. Too weird.
                         
          Excited by the prospect --
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas!
           30.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Now, THAT'S a challenge.
                         
          She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.
                         
                          DILL
           Does this have something to do with
           this rumor you were talking about
           the other night?
                         
          Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues
          to manipulate her food.
                         
                          DILL (CONT'D)
           Is there something you want to tell
           us, kiddo?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm spelling it out for you as
           quickly as I can.
                         
                          GINGER
           (Desperate for attention)
           I got a B plus on my spelling test
           today.
                         
          Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care --
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Good, sweetheart.
                         
          Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A.
                         
                          ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
           Oh, I know what it is!
                         
          She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in
          understanding.
                         
                          GINGER
           (Glancing at Olive's
                          PLATE)
           What's a twat?
                         
          Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.
                         
                          DILL
           It's a word that will get you sent
           to the principal's office.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           (Whispering into Ginger's
                          EAR)
           It's not a good word.
                          (MORE)
           31.
                         
                          ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
                          (TO OLIVE)
           So, what was the principal like?
                         
                          OLIVE
           The male equivalent.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Of what?
                         
          Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods
          in understanding.
                         
                          DILL
           Well, it's the first time since
           second grade, so I guess we can't
           be too hard on you.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (GENUINELY CURIOUS)
           What would my punishment have been
           otherwise?
                         
                          DILL
           I dunno. To bed without supper?
                         
                          OLIVE
           But I'm already finished. Except
           for my helpful and profane peas.
                         
                          DILL
                          (THINKING HARD)
           Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems
           to be taking the country by storm.
           No phone, TV or... Or....
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'll help you out. I don't have
           anyone to call. I haven't watched
           TV since they cancelled `The
           Illegitimate Children of the Real
           Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I
           really only watched that as a joke.
                         
                          DILL
           Fine. I'd take away your --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Books? Computer?
                         
                          DILL
           Yes! You're computer!
           32.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           All my homework's on there. Sorry.
           You lose. But thanks for playing.
                         
                          DILL
                          (SMILING WARMLY)
           I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a
           regular occurrence.
                         
          Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I think we both are. I wouldn't
           know how to be grounded any more
           than you know how to ground.
                         
                          DILL
           I love you.
           (Whispering in her ear)
           And I'm sure that girl was acting
           like exactly what you called her.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (WHISPERING BACK)
           You have no idea.
                         
          She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well.
          Leaving the dining room --
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           How's about I go and punish myself?
           Mea culpa, mea culpa.
                         
          She retreats upstairs.
                         
                          GINGER
           How come you guys never get mad at
           her?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Because, pumpkin, of our three
           darling children, we love her best.
           (Erupting into laughter)
           Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.
                         
          Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
           33.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           The next day, things took a turn
           for the scandalous. Which brings
           us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice
           and a Gentleman's Agreement.
                         
          She smiles slyly into her camera.
                         
                         
          INT. ROOM 704 - DAY
                         
          Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a
          tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much
          racier and is starting to look pretty hot.
                         
          There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID
          seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before.
                         
          The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and
          slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this
          detention, but from life in general.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Are these detention sessions often
           unchaperoned?
                         
                          BULLIED KID
           I don't think we pose a flight
           risk.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I see.
                         
          Olive laughs to herself.
                         
                          BULLIED KID
           What?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I was just thinking it's kind of
           funny. We haven't really talked
           since that closet incident back in
           eighth grade.
                         
                          BULLIED KID
           I was afraid you were going to
           bring that up.
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, how have you been, Brandon?
                         
                          BRANDON
                          (DRYLY)
           I have been fantastic.
                          (MORE)
           34.
                         
                          BRANDON (CONT'D)
           Really, really amazing. Don't know
           if you heard, but according to my
           locker, I'm a `power bottom.'
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yikes.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Yeah, only two days after the
           custodians had finally gotten
           around to scrubbing `turd burglar'
           off. Which, if you think about it,
           really contradicts the previous
           label.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Maybe your vandal is marvelling at
           your versatility?
                         
          Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look.
                         
                          BRANDON
           But, of course, I'm in detention.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Why?
                         
                          BRANDON
           Because Gibbons is a homophobe.
           (Beat.)
           And I called him a facist.
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, the rumors are true, huh?
                         
                          BRANDON
                          (INCREDULOUS)
           Have you ever met me?
                         
                          OLIVE
           No. I meant about Gibbons being a
           facist.
                         
          He laughs.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I kind of guessed it that night
           with the whole kissing thing. The
           way you ran away. I remember
           thinking to myself, `this isn't the
           first time this kid's going to go
           bursting out of the closet.'
           35.
                         
                         
                          BRANDON
           Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.
                         
          There's a brief silence between them.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You know, I read this article that
           said with this whole EMO movement,
           it looks like - that in a few years
           - the gay kids are going to be the
           most popular ones in school.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Oh good. I'll come back when I'm
           twenty seven for my redo.
                         
          Ignoring his cynicism --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Can you imagine the dance squad
           full of shirtless guys in tight
           pants rocking out to Britney, while
           the football players sit on the
           sidelines wishing they were that
           cool?
                         
                          BRANDON
           That'll be the day.
           (Beat.)
           Judging from the new look you're
           sporting, I'm not the only one in a
           transformative stage. `Sup with
           the whore couture?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (PROUDLY)
           Haven't you heard? I'm the new
           school slut!
                         
                          BRANDON
           As a matter of fact I did hear
           that. I heard you banged a guy
           twice your age.
                         
                          OLIVE
           No way. He's a freshman in
           college.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Also heard he gave you crabs.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Ewwww. People suck.
           36.
                         
                         
                          BRANDON
          Tell me about it.
                         
                          OLIVE
          He's not real. The guy I slept
          with. I made him up.
                         
                          BRANDON
          So, you started the rumor?
                         
                          OLIVE
          Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not
          really. No. No, I didn't.
                         
                          BRANDON
          But you're perpetuating it. That's
          fucked up.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (OFFENDED)
          Excuse me?
                         
                          BRANDON
          It's true. There's only one thing
          worse than these tabloid-chasing
          celebutantes with their vapid minds
          and their immoral souls and that's
          the people who want to be like
          them.
                         
                          OLIVE
          Did I say I wanted to be like them?
                         
                          BRANDON
          No, you just want everyone else to
          think you are.
                         
                          OLIVE
          Why does it matter if it's not who
          I really am? No offense, Brando,
          but maybe you could learn something
          from me.
                         
                          BRANDON
          You're saying I should pretend to
          be straight, so people will like
          me? What a novel idea. You should
          do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I
          forgot... In high school,
          EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING
          THEY'RE NOT!
           37.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein
           popping out of your neck. I'm
           simply suggesting that maybe these
           kids we call peers have got the
           right idea. Maybe Bridget
           Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as
           she pretends to be. Maybe that's
           just the label she's put on herself
           to avoid having to bathe as often
           as society deems necessary. Or
           take Marianne Bryant. It's
           convenient for her to act like a
           stuck-up Jesus-freak.
           (Thinking about this)
           No. I'm wrong. I think she's
           actually just a stuck-up Jesus-
           freak. But do you think she cares
           that that's the way she's
           perceived? No. Maybe she was just
           sick of being just another
           nameless, faceless entity in a
           place and a time that reveres
           people for extremity?
                         
          Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for
          her.
                         
                          BRANDON
           There are some of us, though, that
           want to just blend in to the crowd.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Then maybe you need to go to that
           extreme. Or make the steadfast
           decision not to care. Even better
           if you can manage to do both.
           (Beat.)
           I've discovered an infallible
           remedy for teen angst: apathy.
                         
                          BRANDON
           I can't decide if you're a genius
           or a lunatic.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?
                         
          She smiles sinisterly at him.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Funny. I always thought teen angst
           and apathy went hand in hand.
           38.
                         
                         
          There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any
          moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right
          there.
                         
                          OLIVE
           How am I doing?
                         
                          BRANDON
           What? Pretending to be a whore?
           For a virgin, I'm impressed. How
           about me? Could I pass as
           straight?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Not bad. For a fag.
                         
                          BRANDON
           I prefer the term `turd burglar.'
                         
          They both break character and return to being themselves.
                         
                          OLIVE
           If we really wanted to shock the
           world, we'd get up and leave
           detention.
                         
                          BRANDON
           But you know that we would never do
           that.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Isn't going to stop me from telling
           everybody we did.
                         
          Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said.
          His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea
          has been planted.
                         
          Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and
          talking to Rhiannon on the phone.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
           Hodges that you lost your virginity
           to three guys in a jacuzzi.
           39.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, I guess that's better than me
           getting crabs from a guy twice my
           age.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Ewww. Who said that?
                         
                          OLIVE
           You know that Brandon kid?
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           From your seedy pre-pubescent
           closet romp?
                         
                          OLIVE
           The one and only. It's what
           somebody told him.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Nobody talks to him.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Isn't that sad? He's actually
           quite the conversationalist.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           He's gay.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Since when are straight guys under
           the age of eighteen able to
           converse?
                         
          A call beeps in on the other line.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Shit. Hold on.
                         
          She clicks over.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Hello?
                         
           BRANDON (O.S.)
           Olive?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (SINGSONG)
           Unfortunately so.
                         
                          BRANDON
           It's Brandon.
           40.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Speak of the devil...
                         
           BRANDON (O.S.)
           Hey, can I come over? I wanted to
           talk to you about something.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (INTRIGUED)
           Okay. Yeah. Sure.
                         
           BRANDON (O.S.)
           Okay. See you soon.
                         
          Olive clicks over to Rhiannon.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Dude, that was Brandon. He wants
           to talk to me about something.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
                         
                          OLIVE
           That's so mean.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Any word from George?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhi, I told you. It was a one
           night stand. Which is now a DONE
           night stand.
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           You're being awfully cavalier about
           this. I mean, he popped your
           cherry. Aren't you supposed to be
           eternally in love with him and
           shit?
                         
                          OLIVE
           If I was a character on a CW show,
           then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering
           all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we
           should start a rumor that I'm
           having a pregnancy scare!
                         
          Olive is stoked by her idea.
           41.
                         
                         
          INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT
                         
          Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who
          he is.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Hi. Is there an Olive here?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
                          (FEIGNING CONFUSION)
           There's a whole jar of them in the
           fridge.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Sorry, I must have gotten the
           address wrong.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Just kidding! Come on in.
                         
          Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts --
                         
                          ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
           Olive, sweetie, there's a young man
           here to see you. He said something
           about asking for your hand in
           marriage.
                         
          Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
           going to have to spend my dowry on
           booze and pills to numb the
           loneliness.
                         
          Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to --
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          She closes the door behind them.
                         
                          OLIVE
           My mom's an acquired taste. I know
           this because I've only just
           recently begun to appreciate her
           myself.
                         
          She gestures for him to sit down.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Welcome to my boudoir! This is
           where the magic happens.
           42.
                         
                         
                          BRANDON
                          (BLURTING OUT)
           Do you wanna go out with me?
                         
          She looks at him, strangely.
                         
                          BRANDON (CONT'D)
           I mean, like -- Do you want to be
           my girlfriend?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Brandon, just a few hours ago, you
           told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
                         
                          BRANDON
           True. But you said I should
           pretend to be straight.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, I didn't mean with me.
           You're a sweet guy and all, but
           you're not really my type.
                         
                          BRANDON
           You're not really my type either.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I should say not.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex
           with me?
                         
                          OLIVE
           You're serious.
                         
          He nervously nods.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Oh my God, dude. You totally
           missed my point. All I was saying
           was that --
                         
                          BRANDON
           No, I know what you were saying. I
           should play it straight until I get
           out of this hell and then I can be
           whoever I want to be. No, I got
           that.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex
           with a college guy. I just told
           people I did.
                          (MORE)
           43.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
                          (CONSIDERS THIS)
           Well, actually, I just told one
           person and - well - you know how
           these things work.
                         
                          BRANDON
           So, you're saying I shouldn't
           really have sex. I should just say
           I had sex with someone. A girl.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Now, you're cooking with gas.
                         
          It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's
          going with this and instantly gets defensive.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
           No. Really. No. No way. No.
           No.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Think about it. We could help each
           other out. You want to maintain
           this floozy facade. I want to not
           get my face pummelled weekly.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You are on crack.
                         
                          BRANDON
           All it would take is one good
           imaginary fuck and you'd be saving
           the bone structure of my face.
           Think of how happy my parents would
           be!
                         
                          OLIVE
           This is not the answer. Why don't
           you just do what I did and make
           someone up?
                         
                          BRANDON
           Who would believe me?
                          (GROWING INCREASINGLY
                          DESPERATE)
           Listen, Olive, I don't want to do
           this. I want to live in that not-
           too-distant EMO world, but I still
           have another year of this bullshit
           place and I can't do it. I just
           can't do it.
           (Beat.)
                          (MORE)
           44.
                         
                          BRANDON (CONT'D)
           I'll pay you. I can pay you
           whatever you want.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (GENTLY)
           I just don't think it would work.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Whores aren't discerning, Olive.
           And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY
           be a hooker with a heart of gold!
                         
                          OLIVE
           I don't want your money.
                         
                          BRANDON
           I insist.
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, if I say yes, you're going to
           tell a couple of people at school
           and I just have to go with it? I
           really don't think it will work.
                         
                          BRANDON
           (His voice cracking with
                          EMOTION)
           I can make it work. I promise.
                         
          She sees tears forming in his eyes.
                         
          She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I don't do anything half-assed.
           (Spinning around to face
                          HIM)
           It'll have to be a public event.
           Melanie Bostic is having a party
           tomorrow night. All of your
           tormentors will be there. You and
           I are going together. You have to
           do everything I say AND you have to
           tell people that I was sensational.
                         
          Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've
          ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.
                         
                          BRANDON
           I can't believe you're doing this.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Afterwards, it's up to you. You're
           committing to something.
                          (MORE)
           45.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Just make sure you're ready to live
           with the consequences.
                         
          It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than
          it was for him.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm sure you all remember the
           party...
                         
                         
          INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT
                         
          A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound.
                         
          Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the
          party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself.
          They appear drunk and are falling all over each other.
                         
          People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance
          and b.) That they're even together in the first place.
                         
          You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST
          TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People.
                         
          Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as
          their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl,
          approaches.
                         
                          MELANIE
           Hey Olive!
                          (WEIRDED OUT)
           Hi Brandon.
                         
                          OLIVE
           OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
           mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
           party cocktails...
                          (DISORIENTED)
           Party. Cocktails.
                         
                          MELANIE
           Well, glad you could make it.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Whispering and slurring
           in her ear)
           Soooo, here's the thing.
                          (MORE)
           46.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Brandon was in the middle of
           telling me this funny thing. Is
           there a quiet room we can go to
           where he can finish telling me --
                          (HICCUP)
           -- About his thing? That's funny?
                         
          She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.
                         
                          MELANIE
           Sure. You can use the guest room.
           Down the hall.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I love you. I love you so much.
           You are -- Just, yeah.
                         
          She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder.
                         
          She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them
          with complete interest.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (Loudly; to all)
           Hey everybody!
                         
          They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down
          the hallway, laughing.
                         
                          MELANIE
           (Shocked; Mouthing to a
                          GUEST)
           What the fuck?!
                         
          The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon,
          goes up to Melanie.
                         
                          BULLY
           Was that Olive with Brandon?
                         
                          MELANIE
           I know! Right?
                         
          They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
          Olive have just retreated to.
                         
                         
          INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's
          completely sober and so is Brandon.
           47.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (WHISPERING)
           Draw the shades.
                         
          Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle,
          conspiratorially.
                         
          Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays
          beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she
          knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very
          convincing.
                         
          She leans over and whispers in his ear --
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Grunt. Make it really convincing.
           And manly.
                         
          He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it
          with his.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at
          the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to
          the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the
          noise inside.
                         
                         
          INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The
          Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises.
          Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it,
          prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips,
          giving him the `Shhhh' sign.
                         
          She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed
          squeak ever so slightly.
                         
                          BRANDON
                          (WHISPERING)
           How long do we have to do this?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (WHISPERING)
           Depends. Do you wanna be a normal
           adolescent boy or do you wanna be a
           stud?
                         
          He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read,
          crescendoing her moaning like a pro.
           48.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop.
           Don't stop. Don't stop, don't
           stop, don't stop.
                         
          She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it
          against the wall, over and over.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
                          (WHISPERING)
           Now that I think about it, we
           probably don't want to do this for
           too long. It'll give the
           impression that you're having
           difficulty finishing. That's not
           the desired effect.
                         
                          BRANDON
                          (WHISPERING)
           Are you sure you're a virgin?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (WHISPERING STERNLY)
           Of course I am!
                          (LOUDLY )
           Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
           fucking me!
                         
          Brandon suppresses a laugh.
                         
                         
          INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hold on.
                         
          She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Go forth, my son. You're a man
           now.
                         
                          BRANDON
           Thanks Olive.
                         
          He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses
          when the door opens.
           49.
                         
                         
          The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm
          around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a
          crew of guys after the dirty details.
                         
          Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes
          that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of
          girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her
          eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa.
                         
          Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Is there a -- ?
                         
                          MELANIE
           Back entrance is through the
           kitchen.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Thanks.
                         
          She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the --
                         
                         
          INT. KITCHEN
                         
          -- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of
          MEERKAT TODD.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
                          (POLITELY)
           Sorry.
                         
          They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret.
                         
           MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D)
           Oh, hey Olive.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hi Todd.
                         
          Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred --
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           How's it going?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          I'M --
           (She doesn't know how she
                          IS)
           I'm here.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Can I get you a beer?
           50.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           That rhymed.
                         
          Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys
          leaning against the counter, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to
          him behind her back.
                         
          She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying
          attention. She glares at them.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (Ashamed of herself)
           I should probably go.
                         
          She rushes off.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           It was truly my Cindy Mancini
           moment.
                          (MELODRAMATICALLY
                          REENACTING)
           `You! Even Bobby thinks we went
           out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you
           thought we were a couple. What a
           joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
           1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him.
           What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out
           with him for a month. This guy. Oh,
           God. He bought me. And he bought
           all of you. He was sick and tired
           of being a nobody. Yeah, and he
           said that all of you guys would
           worship him if we went out. And I
           didn't believe that. I was, like,
           no way! And he was right! No, leave
           me alone. He was right. Our little
           plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The
           dance. That stupid dance! What a
           bunch of followers you guys are. I
           mean, at least I got... At least I
           got paid.'
           (Sincerely; as herself)
           `Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the
           best movies ever made. Hands down.
           You guys should totally watch it if
           you haven't already. Or even if
           you have. Seriously fine
           filmmaking.
           51.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                         
          Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me
          Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and
          wallows in her self-pity.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (To the television)
           Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have
           been a lot worse. Trust me.
                         
          Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           That kid from the other night just
           dropped this off for you.
                         
          Indicating an empty space on the floor --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Put it on the pile of gifts from my
           other suitors.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           He seems like a nice boy... Gay...
                         
                          OLIVE
           A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that
           boy is.
                         
          Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           I dated a homosexual in high
           school.
                         
                          OLIVE
           We're not dating, Mom.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           I just wanted to tell you that if
           you want to date a gay boy, it
           might be hard on your father and I,
           at first. But we love you no
           matter what the sexual orientation
           of your opposite-sex partner.
                         
          Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke.
                         
          Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of
          the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND.
          She smiles, pleasantly.
                         
          She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically.
           52.
                         
                         
          There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a
          $200 Gift Card to TARGET.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a
           vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to
           Target.
                         
          There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Dear Olive, The dildo is just in
           case you don't shop at Target.
           Then you can fuck yourself.
                         
          Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely
          touched by this gift.
                         
          The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it
          up.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
                          (EXCITEDLY)
           Your package was perfection!
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           So, it's TRUE!
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhi?
                         
           RHIANNON (O.S.)
           Well, it's not last night's
           conquest!
                         
                          OLIVE
           You know, I always think it's so
           ridiculous on TV, when someone
           picks up the phone and magically
           seems to know who's going to be on
           the other end. I usually preface a
           conversation with `hello' to avoid
           such banalities. The one time I
           decide to step outside this
           convention... How are you?
                         
                         
          INT. MALL - DAY
                         
          Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the
          mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out
          their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't
          bother to tell them.
           53.
                         
                         
                          RHIANNON
           I have many questions, obviously.
                         
                         
          WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS:
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (PLAYFULLY)
           Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa
           Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know
           the way to San Jose. And - little
           known fact - contrary to popular
           belief, panama hats are not from
           Panama at all! They're from
           Ecuador! Who knew?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Now is not the time to be cute.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You're putting me in a precarious
           position, because --
           (With her best Jackie-O
                          VOICE)
           -- `according to last month's
           Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should
           always look cute. Even when we're
           doing mundane activities such as
           choosing vegetables from the
           produce section of our local
           grocery store.'
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Olive, stop it. This is serious.
           Did you really bang Brandon last
           night at Melanie Dipshit's party?
                         
          Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Is that what people are saying
           happened?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           That's what EVERYONE is saying.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Then I guess it's true.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Does this mean you guys are dating?
                         
                          OLIVE
           God no.
           54.
                         
                         
          Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of
          passing shoppers.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Just because you lost your
           virginity doesn't mean you can go
           around screwing everybody!
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (OFF-PUT)
           Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           You're getting a reputation.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Y'know, you're really coming off as
           a little pious right now and you're
           kind of pissing me off.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Please forgive my rectitude, but I
           think that a best friend's duty is
           to let her know that everyone - and
           I do mean everyone - is calling her
           a cum dumpster.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, do YOU think I'm a cum
           dumpster?
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.
                         
          Entering the red zone --
                         
                          OLIVE
           First off, that's racist.
           Secondly, fuck you! How dare you?
           I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady
           Chatterly and, now all of a sudden,
           YOU feel the need to warn ME that
           I'M making a fool of myself? There
           are a lot of children who will
           never again experience Family Pizza
           Night because of you. So, why
           don't you jump off your high horse
           and splash around in the gutter
           where you belong.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           I didn't want to believe it, but I
           guess it's true. You're a
           fucktart.
           55.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           And you're a jealous virgin.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
           virginity to one of --
           (As if it was a disease)
           -- your brother's friends and then
           be the first for a fairy, while
           everyone listens outside! What is
           wrong with you? Does sex mean
           anything to you?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yes! It's a period of time, how
           ever short, that I don't have to
           talk to you!
                         
          She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes.
                         
          Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as...
                         
          She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down
          clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of
          her floor.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into her webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
           somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
           with her!
                         
                          BACK TO:
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously,
          out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric
          draped across her lap.
                         
          When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and
          begins another one.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER
                         
          Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she
          finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
          grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor.
           56.
                         
                         
          Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing,
          until there are none left.
                         
          The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's
          `CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into --
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona
          fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school.
          Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is
                         
          A FIERY RED `A'
                         
          (NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's
          clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.)
                         
          Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as
          looks of total disbelief from the girls.
                         
          She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, Düsseldorf,
          Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur.
                         
          Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy
          named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw
          drops.
                         
          Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hey, Anson.
                         
                          ANSON
                          (NERVOUS)
           Hi.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Breathy and aping Marilyn
                          MONROE)
           I just realized the funniest thing.
           My name is an anagram for `I
           love...'
                         
                          ANSON
                          (STUTTERING)
           What's an anagram?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Look it up, big boy.
                         
          She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns
          and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on
          her way.
           57.
                         
                         
          INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER
                         
          Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria
          food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line,
          as guys ogle her.
                         
          Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in
          repugnance.
                         
                         
          INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
                         
          Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym
          class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches
          her.
                         
                          EVAN
           Hey Olive.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hi Evan.
                         
                          EVAN
           Can I talk to you for a second?
                         
          He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers.
          She reluctantly does so.
                         
                          EVAN (CONT'D)
                          (WHISPERING)
           Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
           what you did for him.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, rest assured, it was equally
           as thrilling for me.
                         
                          EVAN
           No, he told me the truth.
                         
          She's pissed. She silently seethes.
                         
                          EVAN (CONT'D)
           And I was just hoping that maybe
           you could do the same for me?
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Through clenched teeth)
           Walk away, Evan.
                         
          Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           RUN away, Evan.
           58.
                         
                         
                          EVAN
           I can pay you, too.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm about six seconds away from
           slapping you so hard that your
           unborn grandchildren will feel it.
                         
                          EVAN
           (Excited at the prospect)
           Can you do it in front of everyone?
                         
          Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage
          and meekly states to her back.
                         
                          EVAN (CONT'D)
           I don't need your permission, you
           know.
                         
          She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't
          look at her.
                         
                          EVAN (CONT'D)
           I mean, at the rate you're going,
           I'm just saying I don't think
           anyone would not believe it.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Are you threatening me?
                         
                          EVAN
           I'll give you $500.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You're repugnant.
                         
                          EVAN
           (Indicating his body)
           That's the problem.
                         
          And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I want five hundred dollars in gift
           certificate form deposited in my
           locker before noon tomorrow.
           Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also
           take Amazon.com. We did NOT have
           sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I
           let you fondle my chest and it was
           a glorious moment for you,
           unmatched by anything you've
           heretofore experienced, including
           cake. Got it?
           59.
                         
                         
                          EVAN
           Five hundred bucks for just feeling
           you up? Doesn't that seem a little
           steep to you? Can you throw in
                          SOME
           (Mispronouncing it; as if
           it rhymed with `cottage')
           frottage?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (CORRECTING HIM)
           It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass.
                          (BUCKLING)
           Fine. But it was so good, you
           lasted only twelve seconds and I
           better not find out that little
           pecker of yours EVER came out of
           your pants. Take it or leave it.
                         
                          EVAN
           Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five
           hundred dollars, it was ungodly
           huge. You even commented on the
           unusual girth for a guy my age.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I was too drunk to remember.
                         
                          EVAN
           Three minutes.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Two.
                         
          He extends his hand.
                         
                          EVAN
           Deal.
                         
          She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.
                         
                          OLIVE
           The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
           been a gentleman and asked me out
           on a date, I probably would have
           said yes.
                         
                          EVAN
           Really? Do you want to go on a
           date?
                         
          With zero vitriol --
           60.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Not now, I don't.
                         
          Sad for him, she walks away.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Evan, if you're watching this -
           shame on you. I hope you never
           treat another girl the way you
           treated me or you will die alone,
           wishing it was because you're fat.
           And since we're playing the shame
           game... While I appreciate the
           sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand
           job should have warranted a little
           more than a hundred dollars worth
           of AMC Movie Passes. They had an
           expiration date AND were only able
           to be used for movies that had been
           running for two weeks. But even
           that's better than Tyler Jennings,
           who gave me a ten percent off
           coupon to Bath and Body Works.
           Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is
           that how good my imaginary blow job
           was to you? Huh? Is chivalry
           dead? I want John Cusack holding a
           boombox outside my window. I want
           Richard Gere climbing up my fire
           escape with the limo waiting
           downstairs. I want to ride off on
           a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
           Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd
           prefer him to look like he looks
           now. What woman wouldn't? But no.
           I get to save two fifty on a bottle
           of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion.
           Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's
           in a coma and the prognosis isn't
           good.
           (Beat.)
           So, if you're still with me - and
           I'm guessing that most of you are -
           I now present to you Part Four: How
           I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
           Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
           wrecker.
           61.
                         
                         
          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head
          in.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You wanted to see me?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat.
                         
          She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A"
          on her chest.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           What are you doing?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Accessorizing?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think
           that maybe you're reading a little
           too much into this assignment?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, I'm really hoping to get an
           A.
           (She points to her chest)
           Get it? Get it?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           I'm hearing things.
                         
          She takes a deep breath.
                         
                          OLIVE
           The rumors are true. I am, in
           fact, considering becoming an
           existentialist.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           You know what I'm talking about.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Geez, since when did teachers
           become privy to idle, adolescent
           gossip?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           I guess it wouldn't matter so much
           if I didn't like you. You're a
           great girl and I happen to think
           that all of
                          (MORE)
           62.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           (Indicating her outfit)
           `this' is just an act. I'm just
           curious why you're doing it.
                         
          Olive drops her defenses and gets real.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Have you ever decided just to play
           along? Because it's maybe easier
           than fighting tooth-and-nail to
           defend it?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           I just don't want to see this
           (He searches for the word)
           damage you.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You know, I think you should give
           me extra credit for going the extra
           mile. I'm really attempting to
           understand this puritanical
           ostracism.
                         
          Mr. Griffin smiles at her.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send
           you to the Principal. If you tell
           anybody, I'll deny it, but I really
           wanted to cheer with the rest of
           the class.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (SMILING; INNOCENTLY)
           You know I won't tell.
                         
          She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a
          BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (To the woman)
           Hey Mrs. Griffin.
                         
          Pretending to know who she is --
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Hi! How are you?
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Pointing to the `A')
           A is for Awesome.
                         
          Olive disappears into the empty halls.
           63.
                         
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           I've never seen that girl before in
           my life.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           That doesn't surprise me.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           I'm the guidance counselor. I
           should know all of the students.
           Especially the ones dressed like
           that.
                         
          He kisses her.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           She's just going through a phase.
           (He gets an idea)
           Hey, do you think you could talk to
           her? Maybe you could get her to --
           I dunno -
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait!
           That's not the girl that everyone's
           talking about, is it?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           `Fraid so.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
           office aid has been bitching about
           her incessantly.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
           that's all she needs.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           What are you making for dinner
           tonight?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Is it my turn?
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
           girls at happy hour.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Don't have too much fun.
           64.
                         
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           I never do.
                         
          He kisses her.
                         
                         
          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED
          CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART
          CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this
          ritual. Nina is also present.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Heavenly Father, watch over us with
           Your all-encompassing love. Keep
           us on the path toward Your
           righteousness and eternal
           salvation.
                         
          They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           Guys. We have a problem.
                         
                          NINA
           Amen to THAT.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
           for her, but we also need to get
           rid of her. I'm sure, by now,
           you've all heard about what
           happened at Melanie Bostic's party.
                         
                          CHRISTIAN KID #1
           I was there. I heard the whole
           thing.
                         
          Marianne eyes him, suspiciously.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           That's not something you need to
           advertise, Kurt.
                         
                          KURT
                          (SHEEPISHLY)
           Sorry.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           See, herein lies the problem: She's
           doing these tasteless, immoral acts
           in plain view of the entire student
           body.
                          (MORE)
           65.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           She's in direct opposition to
           everything we're trying to do for
           this school, which is make it a
           wholesome learning environment and
           a place where our children will one
           day flourish the way that we are.
           (Beat.)
           She was sent to the Principal's
           office last week --
                         
                          NINA
                          (INTERRUPTING)
           She called me a really hurtful
           name.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           -- and I tried to witness to her,
           but she's defiant to any sort of
           help.
                         
          She tears up.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I don't know what to do, but
           something's got to be done.
                         
          Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She
          leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the
          other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder,
          sympathetically.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           Does anybody here think that they
           can talk to her in a way that might
           get her to see that what she's
           doing is wrong?
                         
          She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile
          tears. She is flooded with emotion.)
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
                         
                          MICAH
           No, it's not, Marianne.
                         
          She wipes her tears away.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Jesus tells us to love everyone.
           Even the whores and the
           homosexuals, but it's so hard.
                          (MORE)
           66.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           It's so hard, because they just
           keep doing `it' over and over
           again.
                         
          She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group
          follows suit.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           Make me a promise. Make GOD a
           promise right here and now that we
           will remain pure and chaste until
           marriage.
           (Looking to Micah)
           Until our love is proven holy in
           His eyes.
                         
                          ALL
           We promise.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Let's continue to pray for Olive
           Penderghast. That either she sees
           that what she's doing is a sin and
           changes her behavior or that she
           gets the hell out of our school.
                         
          They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           Awww, I love you guys. God loves
           you guys.
                         
                         
          EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY
                         
          Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his
          car. They're nauseatingly wholesome.
                         
                         
          INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY
                         
          Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the
          day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top.
                         
          Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each
          one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction.
                         
          They exchange a few hateful glances at each other.
                         
          Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Hey Olive. Wanna come in?
           67.
                         
                         
          Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and
          follows Mrs. Griffin into --
                         
                         
          INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite
          her.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           So, the reason I called you down
           here is just so that we could -
           sort of, y'know - chat about what's
           going on.
           (Beat.)
           There's been some concern from
           faculty members.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (CORRECTING HER)
           Your husband.
                         
          Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's
          something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Olive, you're attempting to make a
           statement. We get that. I'm just
           confused as to what exactly it is.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Am I in trouble? I promise the hem
           of my dress isn't higher than my
           fingertips.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           You're not in trouble, Olive. I
           just wanted you to know that if
           there was something you maybe
           needed to talk about, that you
           could trust me.
                         
                          OLIVE
           If I open up to you, do you promise
           this stays in confidence?
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Yes.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (CONFESSIONAL)
           I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT
           tell anyone.
           68.
                         
                         
          Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I have a reputation to uphold.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Don't you, though?
                         
          Olive assesses this statement from her.
                         
                          OLIVE
           We done? If I can think of any
           angsty things to report, you'll be
           the first to know.
                         
          She winks at her.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           This has been so much fun that I'm
           actually - at this very moment -
           considering meth addiction, just so
           I can come back and we can jaw some
           more.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
                          (BITINGLY)
           Or you could always get pregnant?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm probably closer than either of
           us thinks...
                         
          Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of
          CONDOMS. Feigning excitement --
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Propho-tastic!
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Please don't tell anyone I gave you
           these. The school board is --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Puritanical and oppressive?
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Conservative.
                         
          Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I don't need those.
           69.
                         
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
                          (STERNLY)
           But you do.
                         
          Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and
          puts them in her own purse.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Thank you.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Remember: our little secret. And,
           hey, would you send in the next
           person?
                         
          Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves.
                         
                         
          INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs
          his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see
          him there.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You're up, hoss.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           (Concerned; To Micah)
           It's going to be okay.
                         
          She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her
          office.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (TO MARIANNE)
           Let me guess: drugs.
                         
          Marianne gives her a `go away' look.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I didn't know Christians believed
           in guidance counsellors.
           (Beat.)
           Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend
           struggling with his sexuality?
                         
          Marianne begins crying.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           No, you insensitive rhymes-with-
           witch! His parents are going
                          THROUGH A
                          (MORE)
           70.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
                          (WHISPERED)
           divorce!
                         
          She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to
          do, goes around the counter and hugs her. Marianne just
          cries on her shoulder.
                         
                          OLIVE
           It's okay, Marianne.
           (Not sure what to say)
           Sometimes our boyfriend's parents
           get divorced. It's just important
           to know that it's not your fault.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           (Through her tears)
           They go to our church! Imagine
           what people will say!
                         
          Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I have to go now. Are you going to
           be okay?
                         
          Into Olive's shoulder --
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
           everything. She's amazing. I know
           that she's going to help Micah
           through this time and everything's
           going to be okay.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yeah. Everything's going to be
           okay.
                         
          Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Why are you being so nice to me?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Isn't that what we're supposed to
           do? Hey, it's your boss's rules.
                         
          This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive
          and squeezes her tightly.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
           everything I said.
                          (MORE)
           71.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I want to be friends. PLEASE.
           PLEASE be my friend.
                         
          Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say
          something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a
          very heartfelt --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Absolutely.
                         
          Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her,
          warmly.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           And for a day, we were actually
           really good friends. I was really
           starting to think that things were
           going to turn around.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
          burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           But then I unwittingly gave her
           boyfriend a venerial disease...
                         
          Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
          people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
                         
          It's the slap heard `round the school.
                         
                         
          INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
                         
          Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.
          Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as
          if her world has just collapsed.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           ...And caused the break-up of Mr.
           and Mrs. Griffin...
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
                          (SNAPPING)
           What?! What do you want?
                         
          Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
          look at her.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           Just go!
           72.
                         
                         
          She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
          box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
                         
          Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
          what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave.
                         
                         
          EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
          with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
          wooden stakes that say things like:
                         
          EXPEL OLIVE!
                         
                         EXODUS 20:14
                         
          SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
                         
          OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
                         
          Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           So, I guess I shouldn't be too
           shocked that these people wanted my
           diseased, home-wrecking ass out of
           there.
                         
          The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Olive laughs.
                         
                          OLIVE
           The funny thing is: the whole time
           this shit was going down - people
           calling me something I knew wasn't
           true, my best friend included - I
           couldn't help but think how I could
           have come up with better signs. No
           one even bothered to use
           alliteration or, God forbid, irony -
           not even a single acronym - and
           that seems a lot more unforgivable
           than my sins.
           73.
                         
                         
          INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
                         
          Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a
          few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and
          makes a beeline toward it.
                         
          She takes a deep breath and enters.
                         
                         
          INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
                         
          She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Forgive me, father, for I have
           sinned. I think that's how you're
           supposed to start these things.
           I'm only going on what I've seen in
           the movies. Then, I think I'm
           supposed to tell you how long it's
           been since my last confession, but
           that's kind of my first confession.
           I'm not Catholic. I really don't
           know what I'm supposed to do,
           except sit here in this booth and
           tell you what I've done wrong.
           Where do I even start?
           (Beat.)
           I've been pretending to be a -- how
           would one phrase it in Catholic
           words? A harlot. It's not like
           I've actually been doing the things
           that people are saying I'm doing,
           but - then again - I'm not denying
           them, so I've just been wondering:
           is that wrong? There's a lot of
           shi -- `crap' going down at my
           school which may or may not be
           indirectly because of this
           masquerade.
           (Beat.)
           I'm lying. I may have caused the
           end of a marriage. I thought, in
           my own perverse way, that I could
           help it. I mean, in my defense, I
           am merely an adolescent. I should
           never have been propositioned in
           the way I was propositioned by an
           adult. But then again, I should
           never have consented. It was just
           that a lot of people had been
           asking me to do things and I
           thought it was okay, because it
           wasn't real.
                          (MORE)
           74.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           It was make-believe and no one was
           getting hurt. But a lot of people
           hate me now. I kind of hate me,
           too.
                         
          There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I could be wrong, but aren't you
           supposed to say something or ask me
           questions. Tell me to say `Hail
           Marys'? Hello?
                         
          She looks through the screen. There's no one there.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Oh, come on!
                         
          She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
                         
                         
          EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY
                         
          Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off.
          But just a few blocks down the street to --
                         
                         
          EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
                         
          She parks her car and gets out to try a different
          denomination.
                         
                         
          INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's)
          searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER,
          attempting to find the perfect image for the church
          newsletter.
                         
          The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hi. I was wondering if the
           minister was around.
                         
                          RECEPTIONIST
           Pastor McGreevey is on vacation
           this week. But our associate
           pastor is in. Would you like to
           speak to him?
                         
          For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's
          enthusiasm level.
           75.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Actually, that would be fantastic!
                         
                          RECEPTIONIST
           Can I tell him what this is
           regarding?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Absolutely. I'm looking for a
           church to join and I thought he
           might be able to sell me on this
           fine establishment.
                         
          The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.
                         
                          RECEPTIONIST
           Don, there's a young lady here who
           would like to speak with you about
           joining.
                         
          She listens and then hangs up.
                         
                          RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
           (Pointing to an office)
           You can go right in.
                         
                          OLIVE
           If everyone here is as friendly as
           you, I think we might be in
           business.
                         
          She winks at the receptionist and enters --
                         
                         
          INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive -
          borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat.
                         
           ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
           Hello there, young lady. My name
           is Don.
                         
          He extends his hand, which she shakes politely.
                         
           ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D)
           How can I help you today?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm new to the area. Looking for a
           church - hopefully something with a
           strong fellowship, a firm foot in
           the soil of...
                          (MORE)
           76.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           divinity and was wondering what
           your church's stance on lying and
           adultery was?
                         
          Don seems taken aback by the question.
                         
           ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
           Well. It's not a good thing.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
           tell me: assuming there is a hell --
                         
           ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
           Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church
           recognizes the existence of hell.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Right. Okay. Let's say hell
           exists. Which is worse - lying or
           adultery? Or is lying about
           adultery like a double whammy?
                         
           ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
           I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you
           say your name was?
                         
          At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED
          FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his
          wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely
                         DAUGHTER --
                         
          MARIANNE BRYANT.
                         
          She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the
          picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You know what. I think I'm just
           going to go and check out Judaism.
                         
          Backing up toward the door.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           The Jews and I have a lot in
           common. Fashion-wise. And stuff.
           So, thank you for your time.
                         
          She bolts from his office.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Olive speaks into her webcam --
           77.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yes. I had unwittingly sought
           advice from the father of the
           leader of my lynch mob. Who else
           can say that's happened to them?
           (Beat.)
           As much as I want to say I hate
           Marianne. I don't. I get her.
           Well, I get certain things about
           her. She's passionate. Like
           myself. She always thinks she's
           right. Like myself. And, yeah, I
           can kind of understand why she
           slapped me that day. Here's what
           happened...
                         
                         
          INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
                         
          Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting
          to school and throws her arms around her.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Remember how I said that we were
           BFFs for, like, a day. Well,
           that's true. It was like we were
           sisters all of a sudden.
                         
          Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
          with it.
                         
                         
          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           She wrote me a note in first
           period.
                         
          Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out
          after school today? Kisses! Marianne
                         
          Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up.
                         
          Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
                         
                         
          INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER
                         
          Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to
          Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back
          and laughs silently.
           78.
                         
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           By second period, it was like we
           had private jokes.
                         
          Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up.
                         
                         
          INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER
                         
          Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs
          over to Olive and again throws her arms around her.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Tragedy struck in third period.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Micah's in the hospital. He's in
           so much pain! The nurse didn't
           know what was wrong.
                         
          Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.
                         
                          OLIVE
           He'll be okay.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           (Tears glistening in her
                          EYES)
           Really?
                         
          Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder.
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
                         
          Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital
          bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is
          beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to
          soothe him with the other.
                         
                          MICAH
           It hurts so bad.
                         
          A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.
                         
                          DOCTOR
           Chlamydia.
                         
          Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
          both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
           79.
                         
                         
                          MICAH'S MOTHER
           How did you get chlamydia? Who
           have you been sleeping with? Tell
           me! TELL ME!
                         
          Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's
          hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out:
                         
                          MICAH
           Olive! Olive Penderghast!
                         
          His mother's face fills with satisfaction.
                         
                         
          INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Micah's mother is on her cell phone.
                         
                          MICAH'S MOTHER
                          (ANGRILY)
           Olive Penderghast.
                         
          She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse.
                         
                         
          INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
                         
          The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A
          SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant
          family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a
          disgusted grimace.
                         
          She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is,
          animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the
          line, while Olive narrates.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Fourth period was when Marianne had
           office duty. Her duties included
           typing, stapling, filing and --
                         
                         
          INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY
                         
          Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape.
          Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her
          boyfriend has chlamydia.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           -- answering the phones.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           CHLAMYDIA!!
           80.
                         
                         
          She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
          office, a panicked expression on her face.
                         
                         
          INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone --
                         
           A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF
                          MONTANA
           Olive Penderghast.
                         
          She hears a slam and then a dial tone.
                         
                         
          INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force
          that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands.
          Mrs. Griffin looks worried.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Are you okay, hon?
                         
          Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne
          quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts --
                         
                          MARIANNE
                          THAT --
                         
          But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long
          ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by
          Marianne's umbrage.
                         
          As we saw before --
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
          burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
           BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
                         
          Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
          people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (Clutching her face)
           MutherFUCKer!
           81.
                         
                         
          Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and
          happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her --
                         
                          RHIANNON
           My sentiments exactly...
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (SNIDELY)
           Oh, grow up!
                         
          But Rhi keeps on walking.
                         
                         
          EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY
                         
          Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone -
          checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way
          out.
                         
                          MICAH
           (Into the cell phone)
           I didn't know what to say! I
           panicked! I said I got it from
           Olive Penderghast.
           (Pause.)
           I know, but what was I supposed to
           say?! And then my mom called her
           mom.
           (Pause.)
           No, not Olive's. Marianne's!
           (Pause.)
           I already tried to blame it on
           their divorce, but my mom's not
           buying it. I have to tell them.
           (Pause.)
           Okay. But I love you. I don't
           care if you gave me chlamydia. I
           LOVE YOU and I want to be with you
           and no one can stop us. Not my
           mother, not Marianne, not --
                         
          There's a dial tone.
                         
                         
          INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
                         
          Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins
          freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing
          items into it.
                         
          Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin
          packing her things.
                         
          As we saw before --
           82.
                         
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
                          (SNAPPING)
           What?! What do you want?
                         
          Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
          look at her.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           Just go!
                         
          She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
          box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
                         
          Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
          what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave --
                         
          -- and then feels awkward.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm sorry, I was just looking for
           Marianne. Did she say something
           about being mad at me? She just
           smacked the shi -- `crap' out of
           me.
                         
          This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to
          pull herself together.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           It's my fault. I'm so sorry,
           Olive.
                         
          Olive looks at her, quizzically.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
                          (SOTTO VOCE)
           I fucked up. I fucking fucked up
           SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking....
           Fuck.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Don't get me wrong. I love it, but
           I don't think you're supposed to
           use those words around a student.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Yeah, well, you're not to supposed
           to fuck them, either. But it
           didn't stop me.
                         
          Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a
          little louder than she planned.
           83.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           You and -- Oh my God. I'm not
           judging you or anything, but oh my
           God.
                          (SWITCHING GEARS)
           Wait. What does that have to do
           with me?
                         
          Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She
          fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           My guidance counselor, who had only
           days before armed me with a latex
           bulletproof vest, told me that she
           had chlamydia and that she had been
           screwing around with her office
           aide's boyfriend under the guise of
           divorce counseling. She confided
           in me that she and her husband - my
           favorite teacher - were having
           marital problems, that they hadn't
           slept together in months. She
           assured me that she had never meant
           for anything to happen with Micah.
           She confessed to me how when she
           was a child she always dreamt of
           being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay
           Letorneau. Micah had panicked and
           used me as a scapegoat - to save
           her job and her marriage. She
           assured me that she would make sure
           everyone knew the truth and
           apologized.
                         
          Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           And I bought it.
                         
          Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and
          offers up a solution.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I could have chlamydia. And I
           could easily have given it to
           Micah. That time we slept
           together. Who knows? Often times
           women don't have symptoms and I
           have been whoring around....
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           No you haven't.
           84.
                         
                         
          Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
                          (LOOKING AWAY)
           Because a real whore can't admit it
           to herself, let alone others.
                         
          She begins to weep.
                         
          Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Call Micah. Tell him I said he's
           an asshole and that he owes me SO
           big for this and also the time I
           pretended not to see him during a
           third grade game of hide and seek.
           Tell him I still remember that.
           But tell him that I confessed to
           giving him chlamydia.
                         
          Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           And it's not really my place to say
           this, but I figure after the
           conversation we just had, I can
           speak candidly. Your husband is
           HOT and while the male adolescent
           can fuck like a bunny... who really
           wants to fuck a bunny? If I was
           you, I'd go home and seduce him and
           pretend this never happened.
                         
          Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
                          (SNIVELING)
           Do you want some more condoms?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (MATERNALLY)
           No, you keep them.
                         
          She strokes her hair.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, really how could I be angry at
           Marianne?
                          (MORE)
           85.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Dude, if some bimbo gave MY
           boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung,
           but I'd have balled my fist.
                          (WHIMSICALLY)
           My boyfriend.
           (She gets lost in the
                          THOUGHT)
           With all the mythical play I was
           getting, it's a wonder - and
           probably a miracle - that I still
           hadn't actually been asked out on a
           real date. Guys were clamoring to
           claim that they'd slept with me,
           but no one was putting the real
           moves on me. Until finally...
                         
                         
          EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE
                         
          Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a
          LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him.
                         
          They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           It was really Rhiannon who had a
           crush on him. She has since we
           were kids.
                         
          Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek.
          Repulsed, he wipes his face.
                         
          Rhiannon and Olive high five each other.
                         
                         
          INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                         
          Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of
          guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised
          of girls, and glares at her from across the room.
                         
          The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making
          their way toward the exit.
                         
          Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways)
          approaches Olive.
                         
                          ANSON
           Hey Olive.
                         
          Olive smiles sweetly at him.
           86.
                         
                         
                          ANSON (CONT'D)
           I was wondering if you were busy
           tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
           something?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (SUSPICIOUS)
           What did you have in mind?
                         
                          ANSON
           I dunno. I was thinking about
           chartering a hot air balloon,
           taking along a bottle of champagne
           and fresh fruit and then trying to
           impress you with an overzealous
           reading of Emily Dickinson.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (COYLY)
           Why, Anson, are you inviting me to
           accompany you to a romantic dinner
           at the Red Lobster?
                         
                          ANSON
           Unequivocally.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (IMPRESSED)
           Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with
           you.
                         
          Olive walks off
                         
                         
          INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT
                         
          Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER.
          Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I can't believe you brought me to
           the nicest restaurant in town.
           This is swank. I was beginning to
           think that there was no such thing
           as class.
                         
                          ANSON
           Yeah. What's better than getting
           to select your dinner and have nice
           conversation while they boil it
           alive in the back?
           87.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind
           making the sacrifice. You don't
           mind that I named him Anson Jr., do
           you?
                         
                          ANSON
           Not at all. I'm actually kind of
           honored.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Do you believe this whole thing
           about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
                         
                          ANSON
           (Lying out his ass)
           I didn't know it was.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Y'know, medical science has not
           substantiated claims that any
           particular food increases sexual
           desire or performance. It's so
           funny when guys ply women with food
           that they think is gonna get them
           laid. I mean, what's really sexy
           about slurping back oysters? You
           know, native people believed that
           you gained the strength of the
           animal by consuming it. Some
           people grind up rhinoceros horn,
           because it's thought to stiffen the
           male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
           And spanish fly? It's pulverized
           beetle that people eat! Although,
           it's illegal for human consumption
           in the United States and do you
           know why? Because if you take just
           a bit too much, it causes painful
           urination, fever and bloody
           discharge.
                         
          A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade
          of green from Olive's little science lesson.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Yum!
                         
          The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling
          nauseous and can't touch his.
                         
          From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from
          the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake.
           88.
                         
                         
          Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM
          LOBSTER HAT.
                         
          With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat --
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           I don't know but I've been told!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           I don't know but I've been told!
                         
          He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (TO ANSON)
           I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked
           here! And he's a lobster! I
           wonder if I should start calling
           him Lobster Todd.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Marguerite is getting old!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           Marguerite is getting old!
                         
          They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes
          her neck to see --
                         
          Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a
          table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Shit!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           The best thing is her dessert is
           free!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           The best thing is her dessert is
           free!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           The worst thing is I sing off-key!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           The worst thing is I sing off-key!
                         
          Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Sound off!
           89.
                         
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           Happy!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Sound off!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           Birthday!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Sound off!
                         
           PARADE OF SERVERS
           Happy birthday to you!
                         
          The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees
          Olive's discomfort.
                         
                          ANSON
           What's wrong?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Rhiannon's over there.
                         
                          ANSON
           So?
                         
                          OLIVE
           So? She's been in love with you
           since the first grade.
                         
                          ANSON
           So?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Well, she's my best friend.
                         
                          ANSON
           I thought you two weren't speaking.
                         
                          OLIVE
           We're not, but it doesn't mean I
           should be out with you.
                         
                          ANSON
           Then why are you?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I don't know. You asked me out?
                         
                          ANSON
           Exactly. I have no interest in
           her. I mean, we're friends, but --
           90.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           She can't see us.
                         
                          ANSON
                          (DISAPPOINTED)
           Do you want me to get the check?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (TOUCHED)
           Would you mind?
                         
          He gestures for the server who appears.
                         
                          ANSON
           Could we get our check?
                         
                          SERVER
                          (CONFUSED)
           Is everything okay?
                         
                          OLIVE
           I just remembered I'm allergic to
           shellfish. I always forget that my
           respiratory system would collapse
           and I'd die. It sucks I know.
                         
          Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their
          check.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (Digging in her purse)
           Let me get it. I have a gift
           certificate.
                         
          She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves.
                         
                          ANSON
           But I asked you out.
                         
                          OLIVE
           And I ruined it, so let me bear the
           financial brunt.
           (Beat.)
           I'm so sorry about this. But she
           really likes you.
                         
                          ANSON
           She and I just don't have much in
           common.
                         
                          OLIVE
           And you and I do?
           91.
                         
                         
                          ANSON
           I think so. For instance, I, too
           think Nina Howell's a twat.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yeah, well, if that's our magical
           connection, I should date the
           entire school.
                         
                          ANSON
           Haven't you?
                         
          Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit
          pissed.
                         
                          ANSON (CONT'D)
           Kidding!
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yeah, about that --
                         
          The server reappears with the check.
                         
                          SERVER
           You have a remaining balance of
           fourteen dollars and thirty six
           cents.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Keep it. Tip.
                         
          The sever smiles and leaves them again.
                         
                          ANSON
           Let's get out of here.
                         
          They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down,
          but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if
          Rhiannon sees them.
                         
          She does.
                         
          Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks
          remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in
          the back -- which she has.
                         
          The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully
          obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their
          differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is
          turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly
          and leaves with Anson.
           92.
                         
                         
          I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but
          doesn't want to externalize it.
                         
          Anson puts his hand on her knee.
                         
                          ANSON
           I have something for you.
                         
          Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls
          out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to
          her.
                         
          Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh. I didn't realize --
                         
          Snapping out of her guilt.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Okay. So, what did we "do" on this
           date?
                         
                          ANSON
           Whatever $500 gets me.
                         
          He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Wait. This isn't how it works. I
           don't actually --
                         
          But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She
          pushes him off again.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           You don't get it. I'm not
           technically having sex with people
           for money. You know that, right?
           Besides, even if I was, we're in
           the parking lot of a Red Lobster.
                         
                          ANSON
           We can go wherever you want, but I
           think it would be kind of hot here.
                         
          He takes off his shirt.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Dude, I gotta go. It's been --
           sad.
           93.
                         
                         
          She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.
                         
                          ANSON
           Olive, you're being stupid. I'll
           take you home.
                         
                          OLIVE
           No thanks.
                         
          He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Fuck.
                         
          As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back
          exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Hey Olive!
                         
                          OLIVE
           Hey Todd.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           What are you doing here?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
           parking lot. I do that sometimes.
           Not necessarily just here. The one
           outside of Applebee's is fun, too.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           (Laughing at her oddness)
           You want a ride somewhere?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Nah. I'm fine.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Your friend Rhi is inside. It's
           her Mom's birthday.
                         
          Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes.
                         
                          OLIVE
           She's not my friend anymore.
                         
          Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to
          his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down.
           94.
                         
                         
          I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT
                         
          Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop
          crying as Todd drives her home.
                         
          Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally --
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           You wanna talk about it?
                         
                          OLIVE
           What's to say? I'm a horrible
           person. Everyone thinks I'm a
           whore and, for the first time, I'm
           starting to believe it.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Huh?
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh, don't act like you don't know
           what people are saying about me.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           I know what people are saying.
           Doesn't mean I believe them.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Why not?
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Olive, contrary to popular belief,
           I'm not an idiot. I know exactly
           what's going on and I know exactly
           what you're doing.
                         
          She stops crying.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Who told you?
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           No one had to tell me. All I know
           is once upon a time, there was a
           scared little kid in a closet at a
           party who wasn't ready for his
           first kiss and there was this
           amazing little girl who lied for
           him.
                         
          She smiles through her tears.
                         
                          OLIVE
           You remember that?
           95.
                         
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Yeah and after I ran out, you
           pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
           about that, by the way.
                         
                          OLIVE
           And look how he turned out.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Sometimes I still pretend you were
           my first kiss.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (LAUGHING)
           Yeah? Who was?
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Your friend. Rhiannon.
                         
          Olive's laughter turns to rage.
                         
                          OLIVE
           What!?
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Yeah. About a year later. It
           sucked.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Blurting it out)
           She knew how I felt about you!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           How do you feel about me?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (IGNORING HIM)
           She did it first! And here I am
           feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Wait. How do you feel about me?
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE)
           Felt! I said FELT!
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
                          (DISAPPOINTED)
           Oh.
                         
          He stops the car. They're at her house.
           96.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Off his look)
           I mean, it's not that I don't still
           feel that way.
                         
          There's an awkward moment between them.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Olive. If I promise not to tell
           anyone, could I kiss you?
                         
          Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic
          moment of her young life, Olive looks down.
                         
                          OLIVE
           No. Not tonight. I don't want you
           to kiss me when mascara's running
           down my cheek or some shithead has
           forced his tongue down my throat
           only a half-hour ago. I've wanted
           to kiss you since the eighth grade,
           but I want it to be perfect. And
           right now, my life's a mess. I
           need to get it under control before
           I drag you into it.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           What if I told you I wanted to be
           dragged into it? Maybe I could
           help.
                         
          He holds out his hand and she takes it.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Now I have a reason to fix this
           catastrophe I've brought upon
           myself. And I'm going to.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Okay.
                         
          He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out
          of the car and goes to her front door.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Into her webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           You see, now I had a reason for
           things to go back to the way that
           they were.
                          (MORE)
           97.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           The truth needed to be told and I
           knew I had to go the one person who
           could help me. The one person I
           could count on to set the story
           straight. Brandon. I'd helped him
           and, even though it would destroy
           his new reputation for being a
           stud, I knew he would help me.
                         
                         
          INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says --
                         
                          GOSSIPY GIRL
           Oh my God, did you hear that
           Brandon ran away from home? Yeah.
           Totally. He left his parents a
           note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.'
           And then he skipped town with a
           big, hulking black guy.
                         
          We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (TO HERSELF)
           My apologies to Mark Twain.
                         
                          GOSSIPY GIRL
           Huh?
                         
          The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Nothing.
                         
          Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
           It gets worse. Due to his
           `condition,' Micah was sent on an
           extended visit to his grandparents
           in Mississippi.
                         
                         
          INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY
                         
          Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS,
          who read the Bible to him.
           98.
                         
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           No telephone, no television, no
           computer, no internet and - most
           importantly - no diseased sexual
           partners.
                         
          Micah settles in for a very long visit.
                         
                         
          INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY
                         
          Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan.
                         
           OLIVE (V.O.)
           I went to everyone I'd helped and
           begged them to say it wasn't true.
                         
                          EVAN
           No way. I gave you money.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Please, Evan.
                         
          He walks off, leaving her alone.
                         
                         
          INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
                         
          Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long
          moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then --
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Olive, life is full of choices. I
           made a bad one. But then, so did
           you. We both acted unwisely, but I
           don't see any other alternative
           than to live with the guilt. My
           guilt stems from my indiscretion,
           yours for lying. We've made our
           choices. Now, we have to ride them
           out.
                         
                          OLIVE
           (Pissed as hell)
           Or I could just tell everyone THE
           TRUTH.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who
           do you believe' game. But, first,
           ask yourself, if you were an adult,
           who would you believe?
           99.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin,
           you're a fucking cunt.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN
           Because you helped me once, I'm not
           going to report that to Principal
           Gibbons. Now, we're even.
                         
          They're locked in a Mexican standoff.
                         
           MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           You can go now.
                         
          Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits.
                         
                         
          INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into
          the room.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Your wife has chlamydia and she's
           been sleeping with a student and
           she gave it to him and now she's
           trying to blame me.
                         
          Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           What?
                         
          The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she
          stumbles.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I -- I'm sorry. I --
                         
          Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Looking back, that's the thing I
           regret the most. That's the thing
           that sent me to the church, er,
           churches. And that's the thing
           that made me realize how profoundly
           I'd fucked up.
                          (MORE)
           100.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           And that's something I'll have to
           live with for the rest of my life.
           With my words, even though they
           were true, I ended a marriage. No
           kid should have to be burdened with
           that.
                         
          She contemplates this.
                         
                         
          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                         
          As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with
          Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and
          very depressed and their minds are on everything but the
          game.
                         
          Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           It's not your fault.
                         
          Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the
          top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the
          lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
                         
          THE JENGA SET-UP
                         
          There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall
          down.
                         
                          CUT TO:
                         
          He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box,
          full of his things.
                         
          He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly
          welling up in her eyes.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm so sorry.
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           No. It's not your fault.
                         
          They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away
          and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns
          and says --
           101.
                         
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
           I hope that you and Todd end up
           okay.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Me too. Where are you going?
                         
           MR. GRIFFIN
           Not sure yet. Away from her.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Can I come?
                         
          They share one last, pained smile and he leaves.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
                         
          Hearfelt, into the webcam --
                         
                          OLIVE
           Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
           just know - I was wrong to tell you
           that. In that way. At all. I
           don't know. I shouldn't have done
           it. I don't feel bad for lying for
           your wife. But I hate myself for
           telling you the truth. I'm so
           sorry.
                         
          She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Part Five: Not With a Whimper But
           With a Bang.
                         
                         
          EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                         
          As we saw before --
                         
          The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
          with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
          wooden stakes that say things like:
                         
          EXPEL OLIVE!
                         
                         EXODUS 20:14
                         
          SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
                         
          OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
                         
          Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
           102.
                         
                         
          Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her
          jaw drops.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Oh fuck me.
                         
          Things have gotten WAY too out of hand.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                         
          Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary
          listens, as a good mother does.
                         
                          OLIVE
           So, now everyone who knows the
           truth is either gone or won't fess
           up. The Cross Your Legs Club is
           demanding my head. And the messed
           up thing is that I wouldn't put it
           past Gibbons to expel me.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           I had a similar situation when I
           was your age.
                         
                          OLIVE
                          (IN DISBELIEF)
           Everyone called you a whore?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Yes. I had a horrible reputation
           and people said awful things about
           me. But it was true. I was a
           slut.
                         
          Olive gives her a suspicious look.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I'm waiting for you to say
           (Imitating her mother)
           `Just kidding!'
                         
                          ROSEMARY
                          (EARNESTLY)
           No, it's true. I slept with a
           whole bunch of people.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Mom!
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           Well! It was a different time.
           103.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
          Ewwww!
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          I did. I got around. Before I met
          your father, I was a garden variety
          floozy.
                         
                          OLIVE
          Why are you telling me this?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          Because I endured a similar
          lynching because of a certain
          dalliance.
                         
                          OLIVE
          I promise that it was no worse than
          Marianne Bryant's attack on me.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          Wanna bet? It was her mother.
                         
                          OLIVE
          Wait, what?
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught
          in a very compromising position in
          the locker room during a basketball
          game.
                         
                          OLIVE
          That's disgusting! He's
          disgusting!
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          He wasn't back then. He was
          actually pretty handsome. All I'm
          saying is that MAYBE the reason
          that Bryant girl is going after you
          is because her mother told her
          about me.
                         
                          OLIVE
          So, the sins of the mother are
          revisited on the daughter.
                         
                          ROSEMARY
          There's something else you should
          know. This is hard to say but --
          Don Bryant is your father.
          Marianne is your sister.
           104.
                         
                         
          Olive turns white.
                         
                          ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
           Kidding!! Well, about the sister
           thing, but not about the Don thing.
           That happened. Actually that
           happened a couple of times before
           we got caught.
                         
          Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing
          hysterically.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I hate you so much right now.
           Can't you see I'm a mess!
                         
                          ROSEMARY
           No, you're not, Olive. You're
           wonderful. And you're going to
           handle this the same way that I
           did. With an incontrovertible
           sense of humor.
                         
          They embrace and Olive gets an idea.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now
           get out. I need to make some phone
           calls.
                         
          Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's
          face.
                         
                         
          INT. GYM - DAY
                         
          We join a pep rally, already in progress.
                         
          The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing
          rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.'
                         
          In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           So, Olive wasn't at school today.
                         
          She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
          Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.
                         
                          MARIANNE (CONT'D)
           I'm so glad you're with us now.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Me too. You guys fucking rock.
           105.
                         
                         
                          MARIANNE
           We don't say that word, Rhiannon.
                         
                          NINA
                          (HELPFULLY)
           Just say `effing' instead. We
           effing rock.
                         
          Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           But isn't that just implying the
           same word?
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
           teach you. It's okay to imply
           things.
                         
          Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at
          her.
                         
          The song ends and there's a drum roll.
                         
                          RHIANNON
           Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd.
                          (SEXUALLY)
           I just want to rip that costume off
           him and --
                         
          Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee.
                         
                          MARIANNE
           Why don't you just not talk for a
           while, okay hon?
                         
          Rhi puts her head down.
                         
          The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume.
          He jumps around enthusing the student body --
                         
          But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a
          DUMPSTER.
                         
          The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It
          Better' plays from the band.
                         
          Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed
          in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around
          her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and
          slightly different lyrics:
           106.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           Nobody does it better.
           Makes me feel sad for the rest.
           Nobody does it half as good as me.
           Baby, I'm the best.
                         
          Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass
          off - and she's quite good.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           I wasn't lookin,'
           But somehow they found me.
           I tried to hide from
           Your love light.
           But like heaven above me
           The guys who loved me
           Are keepin' all my secrets safe
           tonight.
                         
          She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle
          and howl at her sheer brilliance.
                         
          She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's
          furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the
          head to reveal:
                         
          BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           And nobody does it better
           Though sometimes I wish someone
           could.
           Nobody does it quite the way I do.
           Why'd I have to be so good?
                         
          She saunters over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving
          a big, red lip mark.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           The way that they hold me
           Whenever they hold me
           There's some kind of magic inside
           you.
           That keeps me from runnin',
           But just keep it comin'!
           How'd you learn to do the things
           you do?
                         
          She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop
          her.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Oh, and nobody does it better.
           Makes me feel sad for the rest.
                          (MORE)
           107.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Nobody does it half as good as me.
           Baby, baby!
           Darlin', I'm the best!
                         
          She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her
          fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments.
                         
          The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused.
                         
          Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and
          stuff money down her bodice.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           Baby you're the best!
           Darlin', you're the best!
           Baby, you're the best!
                         
          The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           (To the student body)
           This is just a free preview. For
           the main event log on to
           www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6
           p.m. Now, I know this conflicts
           with tonight's basketball game, but
           c'mon would you rather be here
           cheering on the Meerkats
           (Looking at Todd,
                          LASCIVIOUSLY)
           or watch me do one.
                         
          There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless.
                         
          Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone.
                         
                          PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
           (Through gritted teeth)
           Young lady, to my office. NOW.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang
           my boyfriend while the whole school
           watches. But good luck with the
           game-thing. Go Meerkats.
                         
          She plods out, triumphantly.
                         
                         
          INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
                         
          The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this
          time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a
          different point in the room.
           108.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE
           And here you all are. Waiting
           outside the closet door for me to
           kiss Todd, listening to me pretend
           to have sex with Brandon, paying me
           to lie for you, calling probably
           the last virgin in school a whore.
           Guys. Seriously.
                         
          All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs --
                         
          James' `LAID' begins to play.
                         
          Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up
          a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER
          (a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him.
                         
          Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't
          be more romantic.
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
                          (SHOUTING DOWN)
           Who told you that I loved this
           song?
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
                          (SHOUTING UP)
           I guessed.
                         
                          OLIVE
           I see you've been watching my live
           webcast. It's still going on, you
           know.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Fuck them. They've had enough of
           you. Well, figuratively speaking.
           I borrowed my neighbor's John
           Deere. Come down here.
                         
                          OLIVE
           That rhymed.
                         
                          MEERKAT TODD
           Intentionally.
                         
                          OLIVE
           Be right down.
                         
          Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to
          the camera.
                         
          We see her through the lens.
           109.
                         
                         
                          OLIVE (CONT'D)
           That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
           you any more confessions, but I'm
           really in love with him. And I am
           going to lose my virginity to him.
           I'm not sure when. It could happen
           five minutes from now or tonight or
           six months from now or maybe on our
           wedding night, but the really
           amazing thing is that it's nobody's
           business.
           (As an afterthought)
           Like, totally.
                         
          She turns the camera off.
                         
                         
          EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
                         
          Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him -
                         
          in the front yard,
                         
          in broad daylight,
                         
          for the world to see.
                         
           FADE OUT.
                         
                         
                         
                         
          OVER THE END CREDITS...
                         
                         
          EXT. GYM - NIGHT
                         
          The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.
                         
                         
                         MONTAGE
                         
          We see, from the perspective of their computer screens,
          various reactions to Olive's webcast --
                         
          -- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR
          BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck.
                         
          -- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they
          derive from watching anything.
                         
          -- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been
          found out and who's days are numbered. They are.
           110.
                         
                         
          -- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in
          love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
                         
          -- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching.
                         
          -- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a
          group of girls.
                         
                          MELANIE
                          (SATISFIED)
           Told you guys. Pay up.
                         
          -- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.
                         
          -- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.
                         
          -- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.
                         
           MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
           Micah? What are you doing in
           there?
                          (STERNLY)
           You had better not be on the sin-
           ternet.
                         
          -- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch.
                         
          -- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but
          is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the
          aforementioned way.
                         
                          ANSON
                          (TO HIMSELF)
           I thought she was going to take her
           clothes off.
                         
                         
          EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER
                         
          Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the
          stars.
                         
           FADE OUT.
                          


Easy A



Writers :   Bert V. Royal
Genres :   Comedy  Romance


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