"Ed Wood", by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski
ED WOOD
by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski
Directed by Tim Burton
FIRST DRAFT
November 20, 1992
FADE IN:
INT. HAUNTED MANSION PARLOR - NIGHT
We move through a spooky shrouded parlor, as a storm rages
outside. THUNDER roars, and lightning flashes in the giant
windows. in the center of the room lies an oak coffin.
Suddenly the lid starts to creak open. A hand crawls past
the edge... and then the lid slams up! Famed psychic CRISWELL
pops out. Criswell, 40, peers at us intently, his gleaming
eyes framed under his striking pale blonde hair. He intones,
with absolute conviction:
CRISWELL
Greetings, my friend. You are
interested in the unknown, the
mysterious, the unexplainable...
that is why you are here. So now,
for the first time, we are bringing
you the full story of what
happened...
(extremely serious)
We are giving you all the evidence,
based only on the secret testimony
of the miserable souls who survived
this terrifying ordeal. The
incidents, the places, my friend, we
cannot keep this a secret any longer.
Can your hearts stand the shocking
facts of the true story of Edward D.
Wood, Junior??
EXT. NIGHT SKY
Lightning CRACKS.
We drift down past the dark clouds... through the torrential
rain... and end up...
OPTICAL:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
We've landed in Hollywood, 1952. We're outside a teeny, grungy
playhouse. The cracked marquee proclaims "'THE CASUAL
COMPANY,' WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY EDWARD D. WOOD, JR."
Pacing nervously in the rain is ED WOOD, 30, our hero.
Larger-than-life charismatic, confident, Errol Flynn-style
handsome, Ed is a human magnet. He's a classically flawed
optimist: Sweet and well-intentioned, yet doomed by his demons
within.
The doors open, and Ed's pal JOHN "BUNNY" BRECKINRIDGE, 45,
hurries out. Bunny is a wealthy, theatrical fop wearing a
string of pearls.
[PAGE 2 MISSING]
Suddenly the rest of the cast runs up, frantically upset. In a
flowing white dress is DOLORES FULLER, 23, a sharp, hungry-
for-a-career ingenue. She's near tears.
DOLORES
Eddie, my dove just flew out the
window!
CREW MEMBER
She goes on in two minutes! What
are we gonna do??
They all look to Ed, awaiting a response. He thinks a second,
then excitedly CLAPS his hands.
ED
Dolores, give me your shoes.
DOLORES
What?
ED
The ghost can be barefoot. Give
me your shoes!
She hands Ed her white shoes. He snatches one, grabs a pair of
scissors, and starts CUTTING up the shoe. Everyone is baffled.
He keeps cutting the shoe... and it slowly takes on the shape
of a dove!
Ed then grabs some pipe cleaners, works them into a shape, and
sprints into the dressing room. He takes some green eye shadow
and excitedly smears it on the pipe cleaners. Ed then hurries
back out, jams the green pipe cleaners into the cut-up shoe...
and it looks like a dove with an olive branch in its mouth!
The cast is flabbergasted.
CREW MEMBER
Wow.
BACK ONSTAGE
The soldiers suddenly look up.
ACTOR #1
Hey, I think I see something!
Dolores floats down onto the stage, holding out the dove.
DOLORES
I offer you mortals the bird of
peace, so that you may change your
ways and end all this destruction.
CUT TO:
INT. SCRUFFY COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and his gang celebrate opening night in a dirty 24-hour
diner. They're noisily slugging down drinks, in a big red
booth.
ED
What a show! Everyone was terrific!
Paul, your second-act monologue
actually gave me chills,
He grins at Actor #1, aka PAUL MARCO, a young eager beaver
who's loyal like a dog.
PAUL MARCO
Aw thanks, Eddie.
Actor #2, aka CONRAD BROOKS, a friendly, simple-minded lug,
runs up waving a newspaper.
CONRAD
I got the early edition! It was just
dropped off at the newsstand.
ED
(he smiles at everyone)
This is the big moment...!
Ed opens the paper to the entertainment page.
INSERT - THE NEWSPAPER. Ed turns to a column, "The Theatrical
Life, By Victor Crowley." Under this is a photograph of an old
man with an ascot.
WIDE
Everybody excitedly crowds around and starts reading. A
moment... and then their faces drop. Clearly, this is a
disastrous review. Their faces get sadder, and sadder... and
then they finish. A melancholy beat, until --
BUNNY
What does that old queen know? He
wasn't even there!
(he knocks back a drink)
Sending a copy boy to do his dirty
work. Well fuck him!
DOLORES
Do I really have a face like a horse?
PAUL MARCO
What does "ostentatious" mean?
Ed calmly waves his arms for attention. He tries to smile.
ED
Hey. Hey, it's not that bad. You
just can't concentrate on the
negative. He's got some nice things
to say...
(he scans the review)
See, "The soldier costumes are very
realistic." That's positive!
Everyone kind of stares at their drinks, depressed. Ed
launches into an upbeat speech.
ED
Hell, I've seen a lot worse reviews.
I've seen ones where they didn't even
like the costumes! Like, that last
"Francis the Mule" picture -- it got
terrible notices. But it was a huge
hit.
PAUL MARCO
Lines around the block.
ED
So don't take it too seriously.
We're all doin' great work.
CONRAD
You really think so?
ED
Absolutely! It's just the beginning.
I promise this: If we stick together,
one day I'll make every single one
of you famous.
He smiles at everyone at the table. They all believe what he
says, and there is a hushed moment of dream-filled hope.
CUT TO:
INT. DOLORES' APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
Ed and Dolores lie in bed, in the dark. He stares vulnerably
at her.
ED
Honey, what if I'm wrong? What if
I just don't have it?
DOLORES
Ed, it was only one review.
ED
Orson Welles was 26 when he made
"Citizen Kane." I'm already 30!
DOLORES
Ed, you're still young. This is the
part of your life when you're
supposed to be struggling.
ED
I know... But sometimes I get scared
this is as good as it's gonna get...
Dolores kisses Ed affectionately.
DOLORES
Things'll change for us. Nobody
stays on the fringe forever.
She gets out of bed. We see her tiny apartment is drab and
crumbling. Dolores turns on the shower, then walks to the
closet. She looks inside.
DOLORES
God, where's my pink sweater? I can
never find my clothes anymore...
ANGLE - ED
He rolls over in bed, away from her.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY
CU on Ed reading "The Hollywood Reporter." A RUDE BOSS in
suspenders suddenly strides up.
RUDE BOSS
Hey big shot, get off your ass. They
need a potted palm over in the Carl
Laemmle Building.
ED
Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz.
Ed jumps up. We WIDEN, revealing he's in a giant greenhouse,
packed with rows of potted plants and shrubs. Ed grabs a small
palm tree and hurries out.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY
Ed strolls across the busy movie lot, lugging the palm. He
passes a soundstage and notices the stage door open a crack.
Ed glances around, then puts down the palm and hurries in.
INT. SOUNDSTAGE ó SAME TIME
A big-budget foreign legion movie is shooting, with a huge cast
and crew. A giant desert set has been erected, with camels and
real sand dunes. Ed is blown away.
ED
Whoa, look at all this sand. This
is real sand! My God, where'd they
get all this sand?!
A SECURITY GUARD sees him.
SECURITY GUARD
Hey, YOU. This is a closed set.
Ed is caught. He hurries out.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO ó DAY
Ed continues across the lot, carrying his palm tree. An OLD
CRUSTY MAN sticks his head out an office window.
OLD CRUSTY MAN
Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got
some great new stuff to show you.
Ed puts down the plant again and runs in.
INT. EDITING ROOMS ó DAY
The old guy is proudly showing Ed STOCK FOOTAGE on a moviola.
The footage is totally random: Giant explosions, buffalos
stampeding, tanks, an octopus swimming, etc.
Ed is dazzled.
ED
This is fantastic! What are you
gonna do with it all?
OLD CRUSTY MAN
Eh, probably file it away and never
see it again.
ED
It's such a waste. If I had half a
chance, I could make an entire movie
out of this stock footage!
(getting inspired)
See, the story opens with these
mysterious explosions. Nobody knows
what's causing them, but it's
upsetting all the buffalo. So the
military is called in to solve the
mystery.
OLD CRUSTY MAN
Ya forgot the octopus.
ED
No, I'm saving that for the big
underwater climax!
The old guy cackles.
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO - DAY
Ed finally carries the tree into the Laemmle Building.
INT. STUDIO OFFICES - SAME TIME
Young SECRETARIES in June Cleaver hairdos are giggling.
SECRETARY #1
They say he was a girl trapped in a
man's body.
SECRETARY #2
I'll bet it hurt when they snipped
his thing off.
EEWWW! All the girls shriek in horror. Ed walks in and puts
down his plant.
ED
What are you ladies gabbin' about?
SECRETARY #1
You know that Christine Jorgensen
freak? He/she/it's in "Variety."
Some producer is making a biopic.
ED
(startled)
R-really? I didn't see the story.
SECRETARY #1
Ah, it was buried in the back. The
guy's a real smallótime operator.
She holds up her "Variety." Ed hurriedly takes it.
CUT TO:
INSERT - VARIETY
The story headline says "BOYóTOóCHICK FLICK TO CLICK." We PULL
OUT, revealing we're now in
INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
Ed holds the newspaper while he paces around his apartment.
The place has threadbare carpet, faded wallpaper, and an
electric burner for a kitchen. A handful of mangy DOGS run
around. Tacked-up are movie posters for "DRACULA," "FREAKS,"
and "THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS."
Dolores talks on the phone, while Ed silently coaches her.
DOLORES (on phone)
Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the
line. Could you please hold?
Ed gives her a thumbs up -- perfect! He confidently takes the
phone.
ED (on phone)
Hello, Mr. Weiss? I heard about your
new project and was curious if you
signed a director. Oh -- you
haven't? Well, if we could get
together, I could explain why I'm
more qualified to direct this than
anyone else in town.
(beat)
Uh, I'd rather not go into it over
the phone... Alright. Great! l'll
see you then!
Ed hangs up and YELPS excitedly. He kisses Dolores. She pulls
away.
DOLORES
Eddie, I don't understand. Why are
you the most qualified director for
the Christine Jorgensen Story?
ED
(nervous, he lies)
Aw, er, it's just a bunch of hot air.
I had to say something to get in the
door.
CUT TO:
INT. LOW-RENT HALLWAY - DAY
Ed walks jauntily along, wearing a snappy suit. He reaches a
door that says "SCREEN CLASSICS ó George Weiss, President." Ed
fixes his hair, checks his clothes, then enters.
INT. SCREEN CLASSICS ó SAME TIME
It's a crowded root, piled with paperwork and files. Film cans
are stacked everywhere, and framed oneósheets for "TEST TUBE
BABIES," "BLONDE PICKUP" and "GIRL GANG" litter the cracked
walls. Sitting behind the messy desk is GEORGIE WEISS, 60, a
rug merchant turned exploitation film producer. He juggles a
large sandwich and angrily barks into the phone.
GEORGIE (on phone)
Look, when I said you could have the
western territories, I didn't mean
all eleven states! I meant
California, Oregon, and uh, what's
that one above it... Washington. Oh
really?! Well screw you!
Georgie slams down the phone. He smiles warmly at Ed.
GEORGIE
Can I help you?
ED
Yes, I'm Ed Wood. I'm here about
directing the Christine Jorgensen
picture.
GEORGIE
Yeah, well a couple of things have
changed. It ain't gonna be the
Christine Jorgensen story no more.
Goddamn "Variety" printed the story
before I had the rights, and now that
bitch is asking for the sky.
ED
(disappointed)
So you're not gonna make the movie?
GEORGIE
No, of COURSE I'm gonna make the
movie! I've already preósold Alabama
and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies
really go for that twisted pervert
stuff. So we'll just make it without
that she-male. We'll fictitionalize
it.
Georgie bites into his sandwich. Ed is dazed.
ED
Is there a script?
GEORGIE
Fuck no! But there's a poster.
Georgie pulls out artwork of a hermaphrodite: Man on the left
side, woman on the right. The lettering screams, "I CHANGED MY
SEX!"
GEORGIE
It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.
ED
(mustering up his courage)
Well, Mr. Weiss, I'm your guy. I
work fast, and I'm a deal: I write
AND direct. And I'm good. I just
did a play in Hollywood, and Victor
Crowley praised its realism.
GEORGIE
Hmm. There's five-hundred guys in
town who can tell me the same thing.
You said on the phone you had some
kind of "special qualifications."
Ed takes a measured piuse. This is his big revelation.
ED
Well, Mr. Weiss, I've never told
anyone what I'm about to tell you...
but I really want this job.
(he gulps)
I like to dress in women's clothing.
GEORGIE
Are you a fruit?
ED
No, no, not at all! I love women.
Wearing their clothes makes me feel
closer to them.
GEORGIE
So you're not a fruit?
ED
Nah, I'm all man. I even fought in
WW2.
(beat)
'Course, I was wearing ladies'
undergarments under my uniform.
GEORGIE
You gotta be kiddin' me.
ED
Confidentially, I even paratrooped
wearing a brassiere and panties.
I'll tell ya, I wasn't scared of
being killed, but I was terrified of
getting wounded, and having the
medics discover my secret.
Georgie sits back. It's a hell of a story.
GEORGIE
And this is why you think you're the
most qualified to make my movie?
ED
Yeah. I know what it's like to live
with a secret, and worry about what
people are gonna think of you... My
girlfriend still doesn't know why her
sweaters are always stretched out.
Georgie shrugs.
GEORGIE
Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but
look around you...
(he gestures at the posters)
I don't hire directors with burning
desires to tell their stories. I
make movies like "Chained Girls."
I need someone with experience who
can shoot a film in four days that'll
make me a profit.
(beat)
I'm sorry. That's all that matters.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR ó DAY
Ed sits morosely in a scuzzy bar, three empty shot glasses in
front of him. A BARTENDER ambles over.
BARTENDER
Are you gonna get something else?
Ed glumly empties his pocket. All he has is change. Ed sighs,
and staggers out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Ed shuffles down the street, his head hanging low. A
restaurant door opens, and an EISENHOWER ERA NUCLEAR FAMILY
exits. Whitebread Dad, Mom, Son, and Daughter stride out in
their starched clean clothes.
They march obliviously past Ed. He watches them go, then
continues. Ed reaches a building, "HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY," and
glances in the window. A pause, then he does a doubletake.
THROUGH THE WINDOW
The showroom is filled with sample coffins. Lying inside one
is BELA LUGOSI.
ANGLE - ED
He is flabbergasted.
INT. HOLLYWOOD MORTUARY - SAME TIME
Lugosi slowly sits up inside the coffin. Bela is an aged 70-
year-old man, once a great star, now a faded memory trying to
hang on to his nobility. Quite frail and tired, he is still a
master of the grand gesture.
An UNCTUOUS SALESMAN steps up. Bela speaks, in a thick
Hungarian ACCENT which gives him an Old World elegance.
BELA
Too constrictive. This is the most
uncomfortable coffin I have ever been
in.
SALESMAN
Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any
complaints before.
BELA
The selection is quite shoddy. You
are wasting my time.
Mildly annoyed, Bela climbs out. He straightens his cloak and
walks to the exit -- where be bumps into nervous Ed.
ED
Excuse me, Mr. Lugosi??
BELA
(irritated)
I told you, I don't want any of your
goddamn coffins.
ED
No. I don't work here.
BELA
Huh?
Bela peers at Ed, then glances confusedly over his shoulder at
the salesman. Oh. Bela looks back at anxious Ed.
BELA
Who are you? What do you want?
ED
I don't want anything. I'm just a
really big, big fan. I've seen all
your movies.
BELA
Ha!
Bela strides out.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - SAME TIME
Bela hurries along. Ed chases after him.
ED
Why were you buying a coffin?
BELA
Because I'm planning on dying soon.
ED
(concerned)
Really?
BELA
Yes. I'm embarking on another bus-
andótruck tour of "Dracula." Twelve
cities in ten days, if that's
conceivable.
Bela pulls out a large smelly cigar and lights it.
ED
You know, I saw you perform
"Dracula." In Poughkeepsie, in 1938.
BELA
Eh, that was a terrible production.
Renfield was a drunk!
ED
I thought it was great. You were
much scarier in real life than you
were in the movie.
BELA
Thank you.
ED
I waited to get your autograph, but
you never came outside.
BELA
I apologize. When I play Dracula,
I put myself into a trance. It takes
me much time to re-emerge.
A CITY BUS approaches.
BELA
Oh, there's my bus.
(he checks his pockets)
Shit, where's my transfer?!
ED
Don't you bave a car?
BELA
I refuse to drive in this country.
Too many madmen.
The bus pulls up, and the doors open. Ed is worried he's about
to lose his new friend. He gets an idea...
CUT TO:
INT. 1948 NASH RAMBLER - DAY
Ed drives anxiously. Bela sits next to him, filling the car
with smoke from his big cigar.
ED
Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such
an exciting life. When is your next
picture coming out?
BELA
I have no next picture.
ED
Ah, you gotta be jokin'! A great man
like you... I'll bet you have dozens
of 'em lined up.
BELA
Back in the old days, yes. But now
-- no one give two fucks for Bela.
Bela puffs on his oversized cigar.
ED
But you're a big star!
BELA
No more. I haven't worked in four
years. This town, it chews you up,
then spits you out. I'm just an
ex-bogeyman.
(he points)
Make a right.
EXT. BELA'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Ed drives past pumping oil wells and into a seedy neighborhood.
They reach a tiny, well-manicured house. Ed and Bela get out.
BELA
(bitter)
They don't want the classic horror
films anymore. Today, it's all giant
bugs, giant spiders, giant
grasshoppers -- who would believe
such nonsense!
ED
The old ones were much spookier.
They had castles, full moons...
BELA
They were mythic. They had a poetry
to them.
(he lowers his voice)
And you know what else? The women
prefer the traditional monsters.
ED
The women?
BELA
The pure horror, it both repels and
attracts them. Because in their
collective unconsciousness, they have
the agony of childbirth. The blood.
The blood is horror.
ED
I never thought of that.
BELA
Take my word for it. You want to
"score" with a young lady, you take
her to see "Dracula."
Bela's eyes twinkle. He reaches his front door and unlocks it.
INSIDE... it's awful. Squalid, dark, with skulls and strange
voodoo objects scattered about. Up front hangs a large
photograph of shockingly young Bela, handsome and regal.
Ed is stunned by this dismal place, but doesn't say anything.
Within, DOGS start BARKING crazily.
BELA
Ugh, what a mess.
(beat)
My wife of twenty years left me last
month. I'm not much of a
housekeeper.
The dogs BARK louder.
BELA
Shh! I'm coming! I will feed you!
ED
Well... I guess I should go. Perhaps
we could get together again?
BELA
(he shakes his hand)
Certainly. But now the children
of the night are calling me.
Bela smiles and steps inside. The door closes.
CUT TO:
INT. DOLORES'S APARTMRNT - DAY
Dolores is in her 1950's kitchenette, making a green jello
mold. Ed bursts in, euphoric.
ED
Sweetie, you won't believe it! I've
got the most incredible news!
DOLORES
(excited)
You got the job?!!
ED
Huh?!
(confused)
Oh, uh, no, I didn't get the job.
But something better happened!
DOLORES
Better than not getting a job?
ED
Yeah! I met a movie star! Somebody
really big!
DOLORES
Who? Robert Taylor?!
ED
(annoyed)
No! A horror movie star!
DOLORES
Boris Karloff!?
ED
Close! The other one!
DOLORES
You met Basil Rathbone!
ED
Oh, the hell with you. I met BELA
LUGOSI!
DOLORES
I thought he was dead.
Ed's eyes pop.
ED
No! He's very alive. Well... sort
of. He's old, and frail -- but he's
still Bela Lugosi! And he's really
nice.
DOLORES
Boy, I can't even remember the last
time he was in a picture.
ED
It's a shame. He's such a rest
actor, and nobody uses him anymore.
DOLORES
So did you get his autograph?
Ed calms down. He smiles beatifically.
ED
No. It wasn't like that at all. It
was just the two of us, and we were
talkin'... and he treated me like --
a friend...
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO WAREHOUSE - DAY
Ed is back in the plant department, arguing with his boss.
RUDE BOSS
He's a bum.
ED
No he's not! Do you realize how much
money he made for this studio over
the years? "Dracula"! "The Raven"!
"The Black Cat"!
RUDE BOSS
Yeah? Well now he's a junkie. He
don't deserve to work.
ED
That's not true --
RUDE BOSS
He's so great, you hire him.
ED
(defensive)
Well, uh, if I could I would...
The guy takes a mocking face and struts out. Ed glares.
CUT TO:
EXT. BELA'S ROUSE - NIGHT
It's Halloween night. CHILDREN in trick-or-treating costumes
parade up and down the streets. Through Bela's window, we see
him and Ed watching TELEVISION -- a small fuzzy screen in a
huge console.
INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
ON THE TV, one of Bela's old '30s horror films plays. Bela's
evil character is hypnotizing somebody: His eyes stare the
famous stare, then his hand does the famous hypnotic gesture.
ON ED AND BELA
They are entranced. The men drink beers in silence. Bela's
TWO DOGS lie at his feet.
ON THE TV
The old movie suddenly stops, and VAMPIRA appears on the TV
screen. Vampira, 25, is the sexy "Creature Feature" hostess,
a pale ghoul slipped into a tight black dress.
She leers in front of a corny fog-shrouded set. There is a
pumpkin, a broomstick, and a sign reading "Happy Halloween."
VAMPIRA (on TV)
Ooo! Those eyes! He gives me the
willies! The only thing scarier than
him is this guy I dated last week:
Charlie from Pittsburgh. Boy, talk
about the living dead...
ON THE MEN
Ed is disgruntled.
ED
Ugh! I hate the way she interrupts
the pictures. She doesn't show 'em
the proper respect.
BELA
(glued to the TV)
I think she's a honey. Look at those
jugs.
Ed LAUGHS. Bela waves his arm and starts doing his hypnotic
hand gesture at the TV.
BELA
Vampira! You will come under my
spell! You will be my slave of love.
ED
(fascinated by Bela's hand)
Hey Bela, how do you do that?
BELA
You must be double-jointed, and you
must be Hungarian.
(back at the TV)
Vampira, look at me! Stare into my
eyes.
Ed joins Bela in this activity. The two of them wave their
arms spookily at the TV.
Bela becomes fatigued.
BELA
I am getting tired. I need to take
my medicine.
ED
Do you want me to get it for you?
BELA
No thank you, Eddie. I'll be
alright.
Bela smiles. He gets up, shuffles across the room, and steps
behind a curtain. Ed is puzzled. Bela's thin arm appears and
draws the curtain tight. We hear mysterious CLANGING, drawers
opening and closing, and then silence.
Ed sits, waiting.
Behind the curtain, something DROPS. We hear a muffled "Shit!"
Ed is getting worried. But then the curtain whips open, and
Bela bounds out, grinning. He's a bundle of energy.
BELA
I feel better now.
AT THE DOOR
The doorbell RINGS. Kids SHOUT "Trick or treat!" Bela jumps
up gleefully.
BELA
Children! I love children.
Bela puts on his famous cape, then gets a pair of fangs and
sticks them in his mouth.
OUTSIDE
Little kids in Lone Ranger and Howdy Doody costumes giggle
expectantly.
Suddenly the door flies open, and standing there is Count
Dracula! The real Count Dracula. YEOWWWW!!! The kids SCREAM
and run.
Bela chuckles. Every kid is gone... except one TOUGH BOY.
BELA
Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm
going to drink your blood!
TOUGH BOY
Ehh, you're not a real vampire.
You can't turn into a bat, and
those teeth don't frighten me.
Suddenly Ed lurches out, menacingly.
ED
Well how about these teeth?!!
Ed RIPS HIS TEETH out of his head and thrusts them at the
kid. The boy SCREAMS in terror and races away.
Bela is wowed.
BELA
Hey, how'd you do that?
Ed smiles impishly, then sticks the teeth back in his mouth.
ED
Dentures. I lost my pearlies in
the war.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and Bela run toward us, Bela's cape flapping in the wind.
Ed takes a swig from Bela's flask. They're a bit tipsy.
ED
Are you sure this is okay?
BELA
Don't worry. I do it every
Halloween.
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
The moonlight shines down on a rickety old cemetery. The wind
blows hauntingly, and tombstones gleam in the blackness.
Ed and Bela reach the locked gates. They glance at each other,
then start to climb over. Ed helps Bela. They jump down, and
Ed peers nervously.
ED
Now what?
Bela looks like a child on Christmas morning. He takes another
swig, then starts running giddily.
He disappears into the cemetery.
BELA
I am DRACULA!
Bela darts happily through the graves.
His cape flies behind him.
BELA
I am the BAT!!
Ed's eyes light up. He starts chasing after Bela.
Bela's heart is racing. He zig-zags past ancient crypts.
Gargoyles peer down. The wind howls through the skeletal
trees, silhouetted against the cloudy sky.
Ed runs through the shadows, trying to catch up.
Bela flaps his cape up and down. We almost think he's going to
fly.
Ed races up, then quietly stops. He eagerly watches Bela,
practically expecting him to turn into a bat. It's a magical,
crazed moment.
BELA
I am DRACUlA! I will LIVE FOREVER!!!
Bela laughs, then lies down on the grass.
WIDE
Ed slowly walks over and lies next to Bela. They're happy,
eyes alert, on top of the world.
Ed peers in wonder at his new friend.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREEN CLASSICS OFFICE - DAY
Ed sits across from Georgie. Ed's very excited.
GEORGIE
So what's the big news you couldn't
tell me over the phone... again?
Ed gulps excitedly. He has a spiel all planned out.
ED
Mr. Weiss, I was thinkin' about what
you said, about how all your movies
have to make a profit. And I
realized, what's the one thing, that
if you put in a movie, it'll be
successful??
GEORGIE
(he thinks)
Tits.
ED
No. Better than tits -- a star!
Georgie shakes his head.
GEORGIE
Eddie, you must have me confused with
David Selznick. I don't make major
motion pictures. I make crap.
ED
Yeah, but if you took that crap and
put a star in it, you'd have something!
GEORGIE
Yeah. Crap with a star.
ED
(impassioned)
No! It would be something better!
Something impressive. The biggest
moneymaker you've ever had!
GEORGIE
Fine, maybe you're right. But it
doesn't friggin' matter. I can't
afford a star, so I don't even know
what we're talking about.
Ed grins.
ED
What if I told you you could have a
star for $1000??
GEORGIE
(skeptical)
Who?
Ed opens his valise and whips out an 8x10 GLOSSY OF BELA.
GEORGIE
Lugosi?
ED
Yeah! Lugosi!
GEORGIE
Isn't he dead?
ED
(annoyed)
No, he's not dead! He lives in
Baldwin Hills. I met him recently,
and he wants to be in our picture.
GEORGIE
OUR picture?
ED
(sheepishly)
Uh, yeah. Our picture.
Georgie mulls this over. He's interested.
GEORGIE
Why would Lugosi want to be in a
sex-change flick?
ED
Because he's my friend.
Georgie stares carefully at Ed, then finally smiles.
GEORGIE
Alright, fine! You can direct it.
I want a script in three days, and
we start shooting a week from Monday.
ANGLE - ED
He leaps up euphorically. He eagerly pumps Georgie's hand.
ED
Thank you! Bless you, Mr. Weiss!
I promise I won't let you down!
CUT TO:
INT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY
CU on a ROYAL TYPEWRITER. Ed's hands whirl across the portable
typewriter, frantically feeding in pages as fast as be can
type. We PULL OUT.
Ed sits on the bed, typing. He's a blur of activity, juggling
a cigarette, coffee, and a telephone, while he writes.
ED (on phone)
But Bunny, you're perfect for this
job! You're so good at organizing.
His adrenalin is pumping. Ed pours some booze into his coffee.
ED
You know these people. I need all
the transsexuals and transvestites
you can get.
(he sucks on his cigarette)
No, I don't care if they're not
actors. I want realism. I want this
film to tell the truth! I've waited
my whole life for this shot, and I'm
not gonna blow it.
There's a KNOCK at the door. Ed carries the phone on a long
cord and answers it. Bela hurries in, smiling broadly.
BELA
Eddie, you got a new movie for me?!
ED
Yeah, it's gonna be a great picture!
You'll love your character!
(back into the phone)
Bunny, Bela's here. Look, hit the
bars, work some parties, and get me
transvestites! I need transvestites!
Ed hangs up and resumes typing. Bela is puzzled.
BELA
Eddie, what kind of movie is this?
ED
Well, It's about how people have two
personalities. The side they show
to the world, and then the secret
person they hide inside.
BELA
(delighted)
Oh, like Jekyll and Hyde! Ah, I've
always wanted to play Jekyll and
Hyde! I'm looking forward to this
production.
Ed stops typing. He pours Bela a drink.
ED
Ehh, your part's a little different.
You're like the God that looks down
on all the characters, and oversees
everything.
BELA
I don't understand.
ED
Well... you control everyone's fate.
You're like the puppetmaster.
BELA
(getting it)
Ah, so I pull the strings!
ED
Yeah. You pull the strings --
(he suddenly gets a look)
"Pull the strings"... hey, that's
pretty good!
Ed quickly starts typing again.
CUT TO:
INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ed and Dolores sit at a card table, finishing up dinner. The
dogs eat scraps below them.
ED
Wipe off your hands. I've got a
little surprise for you...
(he smiles nervously)
I finished my script.
Ed anxiously pulls out a pile of pages. Dolores looks in awe
at the cover: "'GLEN OR GLENDA' By Edward D. Wood, Jr""
DOLORES
Ed, I'm so proud! I'll read it as
soon as I get home.
ED
(apprehensive)
Well, I'd really like to know what
you think. Why don't you go in the
bedroom and take a look at it? I'll
Wait...
There's an uneasy moment between them. She senses something
funny. Dolores takes the script and goes into the bedroom.
The door closes. Ed starts pacing...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
Dolores reads the script. She finishes the last page, then
looks up. She is very shaken.
Dolores stands. She grabs the door and opens it.
THROUGH THE DOORWAY
Ed stands somberly in drag. He's in a pantsuit, heels, and
pink angora sweater.
Dolores is totally rattled. She struggles for a response.
DOLORES
So that's where my sweater's been.
Ed silently nods.
DOLORES
How long have you been doing this?
ED
Since I was a kid. My mom wanted a
girl, so she used to dress me in
girlie clothing. It just kinda
became a habit.
DOLORES
Jesus Christ! And you never told me?
ED
This is my way of telling you --
DOLORES
(furious)
What, by putting it in a fuckin'
script, for everyone to see?! What
kind of sick mind would operate like
that?
Ed is terribly hurt. Dolores shakes tht script.
DOLORES
And what about this so-called
"Barbara" character? It's obviously
ME! I'm so embarrassed! This is our
life!
ED
(quiet)
Of course it is. And that's why you
should play the part.
DOLORES
Oh! You got nerve, buddy.
He calmly points at the script.
ED
It's a damn good role.
DOLORES
That's not the issue!!
(she suddenly stops)
Ugh! How can you act so casual, when
you're dressed like that?!
ED
It takes me comfortable.
DOLORES
Oh, just like in the script!
Ed smiles serenely.
ED
Exactly.
(he takes her hand)
So what do ya say? Do you wanna
break up... or do you wanna do the
movie with me?
Dolores sighs.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREEN CLASSICS - DAY
The hallway is filled with eager TRANSVESTITES. It's a very
festive atmosphere, and Bunny tries to create some order.
Inside the busy office, Paul types, and Conrad cranks a
mimeograph machine.
CONRAD
It's good to have a job. Now I can
get my phone reconnected.
In a corner, Georgie angrily waves the script at Ed.
GEORGIE
I thought this was gonna be a sex-
change film!
ED
(defensive)
There's still a sex-change --
GEORGIE
Yeah! Five pages right before it
ends! The rest of the show is about
some schmuck who likes angora
sweaters.
ED
I don't think he's a schmuck.
GEORGIE
And what's with this new title?! My
poster says "I CHANGED MY SEX"!
ED
So change the poster. Trust me,
you'll be better off. This is a
story that's gonna grab people.
(he goes into a pitch)
It's about this guy. He's crazy
about this girl but he likes to
wear dresses. Should he tell her?
Should he not tell her? He's torn.
George, this is DRAMA.
Georgie throws up his hands
GEORGIE
Fine, shoot whatever baloney you
want! I give up. Just make sure
it's seven reels long.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - EARLY MORNING
We are on location for Ed's first film! A SMALL CREW of a
dozen unpacks the camera and reflectors from their cars. Ed's
voice rises above the hubbub.
ED (O.S.)
Excuse me, could I have everyone's
attention?! Could you gather around?
I've got something to say.
The crew members put down their things and gather in a circle.
In the middle, we reveal Ed, in complete drag. Dress, nylons,
pumps, lovely blonde wig... he's quite a sight. Like an eager
Scoutmaster, he addresses his troops.
ED
Everybody, we're about to embark on
quite a journey. Four days of hard
work... but when it's over, we'll
have a picture that'll entertain,
enlighten, and maybe even move
millions of people.
A COUPLE GRIPS glance at each other.
ED
Now the only way we're gonna achieve
all this is if we stay on schedule.
Day one -- TODAY -- we'll start easy.
We have eighteen silent scenes that
can be shot quickly: Cars parking,
Patrick's suicide, me strolling as
a man, me strolling as a woman, etc.
(beat)
After lunch, we'll bring in the
Inspector and the Doctor. The Doctor
is very important to the plot, so we
might have to spend time on retakes.
But it's worth it. Scene totals for
the first day is thirty-four.
(he catches a breath)
Day Two, we'll be a little busier --
Veteran CAMERAMAN BILL, an old guy with thick glasses, speaks.
CAMERAMAN BILL
Excuse me Eddie, I don't mean to
interrupt... but I'm gettin' a little
worried about those clouds.
He points up. Everybody looks at the sky. The clouds are
gray.
Ed nods in agreement.
ED
Good thinkin'. We'll talk about Days
Three and Four later. Now let's get
that first shot off! It's Scene 17,
Glenda looking in the window.
THE CREW
disperses. Ed quickly runs in his heels over to the burly
make-up man, HARRY.
ED
Okay, do I need any touch-up?
MAKE-UP MAN HARRY
I'm telling ya, eyelashes are the way
to go.
ED
(irritated)
Harry, we've discussed this a million
times. I don't want to look like a
girl. I want to look like myself.
MAKE-UP MAN MARRY
(disgruntled)
Fine. Then you look beautiful.
Harry humorlessly powders Ed's nose. Ed turns away and
suddenly SHOUTS into a giant megaphone.
ED
PLACES, EVERYONE! ROLL CAMERA!
CAMERAMAN BILL
(nonchalant)
Rolling.
WIDE
Ed chucks the megaphone and runs crazily past the camera and
behind a building.
ED'S VOICE
And -- ACTION!
A pause, and then Ed, in character as Glenda, calm and
dignified, steps out and walks down the sidewalk.
Ed stops at a store window. He's totally in shadow.
A grip grimaces. He TURNS ON a light
Ed lights up. He looks in the window, admires a dress on
display, then silently walks out of frame.
A beat. Ed SCREAMS.
ED
And, CUT! PRINT IT! LET'S MOVE ON!
CAMERAMAN BILL
Don't you want a second take, for
protection?
ED
(exhilarated)
What's to protect? It was perfect!
Suddenly a police car turns the corner.
CREW MEMBER
Cops!
ED
We don't have a permit. RUN!
Everyone grabs equipment and takes off.
WIPE TO:
INT. LARCHMONT STUDIOS - DAY
The company is now shooting inside a dinky soundstage. There
are dirty mattresses tacked on the walls. They prep Bela's
set: A fishnet-draped armchair in front of a flat. Ed is
perched high in his director's chair, back in men's clothes.
ED
The set doesn't look right! It looks
too... empty. Clutter it up. Put
a skeleton in the corner. And what's
that thing over there?
PAUL MARCO
I don't know.
ED
Well it looks good. Let's use it!
Georgie hurriedly strides over. He holds the script.
GEORGIE
Ed! What's with these revised
pages?! A scene in a smelting
factory? A buffalo stampede??
Three-hundred soldiers storming Anzio
Beach??! What's going on here? I
can't afford to film this nonsense!
ED
Don't worry. We're not gonna film
any of it.
GEORGIE
Then how's it gonna get in the
picture?!
ED
I know a guy in Universal's stock
house -- he's giving me the footage
for free. This movie's gonna look
like a million bucks.
Georgie nods. Oh, okay.
O.S. VOICE
Mr. Lugosi has arrived!
Ed jumps excitedly.
ED
Oh my God!
(he YELLS)
Mr. Lugosi is here! Now everyone,
when he walks on the stage
(nobody is listening; so Ed uses
his MEGAPHONE)
Now everyone, when he walks on the
stage, treat him normal. I know Bela
Lugosi is a world-famous star, and
you're all a little excited, but
we're professionals. So if you treat
him with respect, everything will be
alright.
AT THE STAGE DOOR
The door swings open, and Bela strides in, looking dapper. He
glances at the teensy stage, and his face falls imperceptibly.
Ed runs up, bounding with enthusiasm.
ED
Bela! It's so great to see you!
(he glances at his watch)
And eight o'clock on the dot. Right
on time!
BELA
I am always on time.
ED
Of course! Well, we got a big day
planned for you... First, we're gonna
start off a little easy, with you in
that armchair over there. Then, once
you're up to speed and cooking, we'll
reset and bring out the laboratory
equipment --
BELA
(he leans in and WHISPERS)
Uh, Eddie, do you have my money?
ED
Huh?! Oh yeah, of course.
Ed and Bela step over to a corner.
ACROSS THE ROOM
From a distance, Ed pulls a wad of money from his pocket and
peels off a few bills for Bela. The crew watches, fascinated.
WIPE TO:
LATER
Bela is seated in the ratty armchair on the set. Harry does
his make-up. Harry glances at Bela's arm, and it is full of
TRACK MARKS. Harry grimaces, but doesn't say anything.
Conrad eagerly scurries up.
CONRAD
Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy,
but could I have your autograph?
BELA
(cordial)
Of course.
Conrad hands him a scrap of paper. Bela signs it.
CONRAD
You know which movie of yours I love,
Mr. Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray."
You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Bela's face suddenly hardens. He snaps.
BELA
"Sidekick"?? "KARLOFF"?!!
Bela insanely RIPS up the autograph.
BELA
Fuck you!! Karloff doesn't deserve
to smell my shit! That limey
cocksucker can rot in hell, for all
I care!!!
WIDE
Ed panickedly runs up.
ED
What happened?! Jesus, Connie, what
did you do?
CONRAD
(upset, close to crying)
Nothin'! I told him he was great.
BELA
How dare that asshole bring up
Karloff?!! You think it takes talent
to play Frankenstein?! NO! It's
just make-up and grunting! GRRR!
GRRR! GRRR!
Ed is frozen in fear. He glances across the stage.
Georgie is flabbergasted. He points urgently at his watch.
Ed nods. He motions to Conrad: Get out of here. Conrad runs
away. Ed leans in to Bela.
ED
You're right, Bela. Now Dracula,
that's a part that takes acting.
BELA
Of course! Dracula requires
presence. It's all in the voice, and
the eyes, and the hand --
Bela waves his outstretched arm. Ed tries to calm him.
ED
Look, you seem a little agitated.
Do you maybe wanna take a little
break, go for a nice walk... and then
we'll come back and shoot the scene?
BELA
BULLSHIT! I am ready now! Roll the
camera!!
The crew is baffled. Ed shrugs at them.
ED
Um, okay... roll camera
CAMERAMAN BILL
(unsure)
Rolling.
ED
Sound!
SOUNDMAN
Speed.
CAMERA ASSISTANT
Mark. Scene Thirty-One.
The Assistant CLAPS the slate in front of Bela, then runs.
ED
And... action?
It's dead quiet. Nobody knows what's about to happen.
WE MOVE IN TO BELA. And... he suddenly assumes character.
Like the consumate pro he is. Bela gets a wicked, sinister
leer, then starts intoning threateningly:
BELA (as the SPIRIT)
"Beware. Beware! Beware, of the big
green dragon that sits on your
doorstep. He eats little boys!
Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails!
Beware. Take care. Beware!"
CLOSEUP - ED
He is blown away. He quietly mumbles in amazement.
ED
Brilliant.
WIPE TO:
INT. STAGE - NEXT DAY
Dolores studies her script, as the crew lights a flimsy kitchen
set. Ed strolls past, nonchalantly removing a ladies' wig and
earrings. She stares in disbelief.
DOLORES
How can you just walk around like
that, in front of all these people?
ED
Hon', nobody's bothered but you.
(he gestures)
Look around -- they couldn't care
less.
DOLORES
Ed, this isn't the real world!
You've surrounded yourself with
WEIRDOS!
ED
Say it a little louder. I don't
think Bela heard you in his trailer.
Dolores quiets down. She feels bad.
ED
Dolores. I need your help...
WIPE TO:
FILMING IN PROGRESS - LATER
A scene is being shot, on camera. Ed (as Glen) and Dolores (as
Barbara) stare into each other's eyes. He's dressed normal,
and she wears a fuzzy angora sweater.
ED (as GLEN)
"My mind's in a muddle. I thought
I could stop wearing these things.
I tried, honestly I tried..."
DOLORES (as BARBARA)
(tentative)
"Glen, I don't fully understand this.
But maybe together -- we can work it
out."
She stands up, dramatically takes off her angora sweater, and
gives it to Ed.
He holds it meaningfully, then smiles proudly.
ED
Music swells... and CUT and PRINT IT!
Ed and Dolores hug.
CUT TO:
INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY
On a MOVIOLA, we see the black-and-white image of Dolores
taking off her angora and giving it to Ed.
WE PULL OUT. Ed and Georgie are hunched over, watching the
movie. Ed smiles proudly.
ED
And we fade out. "The End."
(the film runs out)
What do you think?
Georgie peers at his watch. He shakes his bead.
GEORGIE
I think it's fifty-seven minutes
long.
ED
Yeah? Whatever. So did you like it?
GEORGIE
(like a lecturing teacher)
Ed, what was the one thing I asked
you to do? Make it seven reels long.
I've got contracts with my
exhibitors. If it ain't over an
hour, they won't play it.
ED
Gee, I used every frame of film we
shot. Maybe they won't notice.
GEORGIE
They'll notice.
(beat)
Look, why don't you let me take over
from here? I can do a few tricks:
Pad it out with more stock footage,
add establishing shots...
ED
Um, I guess --
GEORGIE
Good. And one more thing. I think
your "Written, Directed, and Starring
Ed Wood" credit is a bad idea.
ED
Why?! I did all those things! Hell,
I even built the props.
GEORGIE
And you did a bang-up job, too. But
you don't want other producers to
know that's you in drag. Trust me.
It's a career killer.
Ed is quite upset.
ED
But I'm proud. I wrote, directed,
and starred in it just like Orson
Welles in "Citizen Kane"!
GEORGIE
Yeah?? Well Orson Welles didn't
wear angora sweaters, did he??!
Ed is beaten.
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENING ROOM - NIGHT
It's the cast and crew screening! The eager two-dozen people
are packed into a tiny screening room.
The lights dim, and the movie starts. A LIBRARY MUSIC fanfare,
and then: "Bela Lugosi in GLEN OR GLENDA"
Everyone APPLAUDS excitedly. Bela smiles.
Credits continue: "Featuring Daniel Davis and Dolores Fuller"
The audience is audibly baffled. Bunny BLURTS out.
BUNNY
Daniel Who?!
Dolores leans in to Ed.
DOLORES
Ed, who is Daniel Davis?
ED
(sour)
Some weirdo who likes to wear
dresses.
DISSOLVE TO:
LATER IN THE MOVIE
ON-SCREEN, Dolores looks tenderly at Ed.
DOLORES (on screen)
"Glen. Is it another woman?"
Ed as Glen nervously ponders his response.
But suddenly -- MUSIC THUNDERS in. The movie cuts to buffalo
stampeding. Bela's angry face is superimposed over this.
BELA (on screen)
"Pull the string! Pull the string!"
IN THE AUDIENCE
People are impressed by this technique. Bela nods in approval.
ON-SCREEN
Out of nowhere, CHEAP JAZZ MUSIC starts, and the movie abruptly
cuts to SLEAZY STAG PARTY-STYLE FOOTAGE! A bare-chested man
whips a bound woman! A woman dominates another tied to a large
stick! A brunette violently rips off her dress and does a
hoochie-coochie dance!
IN THE AUDIENCE
The crowd is stunned.
CAMERAMAN BILL
I didn't shoot that!
Ed looks back at Georgie, who's wearing a big satisfied grin.
ED
Georgie, what's with the stag
footage?? You said you were cutting
in establishing shots!
GEORGIE
I did. I established some tits and
ass.
Ed rolls his eyes. He turns back to the movie.
INT. PARTY - LATER THAT NIGHT
Everybody is CELEBRATING, with a raucous party. People are
boozing it up. BIG BAND MUSIC plays. Ed dances with Dolores.
Paul smokes a joint. Conrad falls over a table and breaks a
lamp. Bela dances happily with a cute young REDHEAD.
BELA
Wasn't I something..? Did you see
how I command the screen?!
Ed's giddy buddies stumble over with foaming glasses of beer.
BUNNY
Ed, it was superb.
CONRAD
A great show! A little strange...
but great -- especially my scenes.
ED
Just like I always promised. Now
you're among the immortals. You're
movie stars.
PAUL MARCO
(he raises his glass)
Here's to Ed. For making us into
something.
It's a warm moment. They all CLINK their glasses.
Dolores kisses Ed.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUNGALOW HOUSE - DAY
We're outside a cute little Spanish bungalow house. Ed and
Dolores are moving in. They lug furniture from a rented truck.
ED
From today on, our lives are
different! We'll be swimming laps
in the same pool Jean Harlow did.
DOLORES
I don't know. It's so much money...
ED
Who cares?! We're on a ROLL! These
are the moments in life you're
supposed to grab.
DOLORES
But Ed, we're not even married. And
you don't have a job.
ED
But you do! And anyway, I've got
tons of new scripts. And now that
I have a track record, studios are
bound to hire me!
She just stares. Ed shrugs, semi-reassuringly.
ED
Look on the bright side. If we miss
the rent, what's the worst they can
do?
DOLORES
Toss us out on our ass.
ED
Exactly.
INT. BUNGALOW - DAY
The house is moved in. Ed's unkempt dogs run about. Pumped-up
Ed sits on the bed typing fiendishly fast while wearing an
angora sweater. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and a
bottle of booze lays in his lap. Bela sits quietly nearby.
ED
How 'bout a western? People love
westerns.
BELA
But, I don't like horses. Do I have
to get on one?
ED
Eh, forget it. What else is big?
(his face lights up)
Teenagers! Jailbait pics! Yeah...
You got the juvenile delinquent, his
girlfriend from the wrong side of the
tracks --
BELA
Who do I play?
ED
Uh, a cop. NO! You play the father.
He's angry! He doesn't like seeing
his son -- no -- he doesn't like
seeing his daughter behave this way!
BELA
(cautious, not to offend)
Well... can't I play the romantic
part? I'm tired of always being the
bad guy. You know, back in Hungary,
I played Romeo! I would like to be
the lover again -- me, in a boat,
with the girl...
Ed considers this.
ED
Sure. Romance, that's great! To
engineer your comeback, we're gonna
need a whole slate of pictures. Once
"Glen Or Glenda" takes off, we'll
slam you into one, then another, then
another!
BELA
(he smiles)
That's good. I could use the money.
ED
But we need to start off with a bang!
Something we know the audience will
want to see. Mmm. What was your
biggest hit?
BELA
(he thinks)
Hmm... my biggest hit? That would
probably be "Dracula."
ED
Of course!
Ed crabs a pen and excitedly scrawls out the word "DRACULA."
Bela frowns.
BELA
Those bastards at Universal. I made
so much money for them, and now I
can't get the time of day.
ED
So let's make another "Dracula."
Let's make "The Return of Dracula"!
BELA
We can't. Those sons-a-bitches
control the rights.
ED
They do? Shoot. There must be a
way to get around that...
Ed's mind is working. He holds out the paper and stares at
it. Suddenly, he grins. He grabs the pen and makes a period
after the "DR." It now says "DR.ACULA"
ED
Ha-ha! Dr. Acula!
BELA
Dracula?
ED
No! Doctor Acula! You can still
wear the cape, have the fangs...
but you're a doctor! Not a count.
BELA
Ah! This is very exciting.
ED
(inspired)
I gotta type this up, while it's
still fresh!
Ed rips the paper from his typewriter, puts in a blank page,
and starts typing.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - DAY
We're outside the imposing gates of MGM. The lion logo is
overhead. Ed drives up in his dirty Nash Rambler convertible.
He wears his nicest suit. Ed peers nervously at the GUARD.
ED
Excuse me, I'm here to see Mr.
Feldman.
The Guard stares suspiciously at Ed. His filthy car is leaking
oil.
GUARD
What's your name?
ED
Edward D. Wood, Junior.
The man frowns. He looks through his files -- then finds a
parking slip with Ed's name. He is surprised.
GUARD
Oh. Eh, he's in the Executive
Building. You can park in the
reserved section.
Ed smiles.
INT. EXECUTIVE WAITING ROOM - DAY
The room is very posh, with fancy paneling and marble floors.
Ed sits nervously under posters for "GRAND HOTEL" and "QUO
VADIS." Film cans labled "Glen Or Glenda" rest in his lap.
SECRETARY
Sir, Mr. Feldman will see you now.
She hits an electric button. A large oak door swings open.
INT. OFFICE
Behind a giant desk is MR. FELDMAN, a glib, thin over-
caffeinated man. He jumps up, smiling.
MR. FELDMAN
Mr. Ward, it's a delight to meet you.
ED
(shaking his hand)
It's Wood. Ed Wood.
MR. FELDMAN
Wood? Ward? Wood.
(puzzled, he glances at his
appointment book)
Hey, what do you know. It is Wood.
Dang secretaries, you can never get
a good one. Right?
Ed shrugs. Feldman grins.
MR. FELDMAN
So what are you bringing me? Looks
like you got some film cans.
ED
Well, Mr. Feldman, some people have
resumes to show. I've got my own
movie.
MR. FELDMAN
Really?! Well good for you.
ED
I just made this picture, over at
Screen Classics. It opens next week.
MR. FELDMAN
Screen Classics? Hmm, don't know
them.
ED
Nobody in town has seen it, so I'm
givin' you first crack at my talents.
MR. FELDMAN
I can't wait to take a look.
(he claps his hands)
So what's up next?
Ed leans in.
ED
Well, Mr. Feldman, I don't believe
in thinking small. So I've got a
whole slate of pictures for you: "The
Vampire's Tomb," "The Ghoul Goes
West"... and "Doctor Acula"!
MR. FELDMAN
Doctor Acula? I don't get it.
ED
Dr. Acula!
Ed writes it out, "DR. ACULA," then waves it in Feldman's face.
Feldman nods.
MR. FELDMAN
Oh, "Dr. Acula." I get it.
(beat)
I don't like it.
ED
But Bela Lugosi's in it!
MR. FELDMAN
Lugosi's washed-up. What else you
got?
Ed grimaces. Lugosi was 90% of his pitch. He vamps.
ED
Well... I've got another project I
wasn't gonna tell you about.
Lugosi's in it, but he's got a
smaller part. The lead is an
ingenue, a sterling young actress
named Dolores Fuller. The title is
"Bride Of The Atom."
MR. FELDMAN
Ah! Atomic Age stuff, huh? I like
it.
(he smiles)
I'll tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why
don't you leave those film cans, and
my associates and I will take a look
at your little opus. Maybe we can
do business together.
Ed is elated.
INT. STUDIO SCREENING ROOM - DAY
Feldman and his fellow SMARMY EXECUTIVES sit in a plush
screening room. They are viewing "Glen Or Glenda."
ON-SCREEN, Ed is in drag. A SOLEMN NARRATOR within the movie
speaks:
SOLEMN NARRATOR (V.O.)
"Give this man satin undies, a dress,
and a sweater... and he's the
happiest man in the world. He can
work better, think better, even play
better -- and be more of a credit to
his community and his government."
ANGLE ON THE EXECUTIVES
They are stupefied. Yikes!
EXECUTIVE #1
What the hell is this?!
EXECUTIVE #2
Is this an actual movie?!
EXECUTIVE #1
It can't be.
EXECUTIVE #2
It's fuckin' ridiculous!
Feldman squints at the screen.
FELDMAN
Wait a minute. That guy in the dress
-- he's the one I met with today!
This must be a big PUT-ON!
(he CHUCKLES)
It's probably another one of Billy
Wellman's practical jokes!
Everybody suddenly starts HOWLING with laughter.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEWSSTAND - DAY
Ed zooms up and chipperly jumps from his car. He buys a "Los
Angeles Herald-Express," eagerly opens it to the entertainment
pages... and then gets a confused look. Ed quickly starts
rifling through the pages -- something is wrong.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY
Ed angrily shouts into the phone.
ED
Georgie, what happened?! I thought
"Glen Or Glenda" was opening next
week! Where's the ads?
An OLD-FASHIONED SPLIT SCREEN of Georgie on the phone appears.
GEORGIE
(pissed-off)
"Where's the ads"?! The ads are in
Alabama, Indiana, and Missouri! You
schmuck, it ain't gonna play L.A.!
ED
Why not??
GEORGIE
Because I can't sell it to save my
life! You made a goddamn feathered
fish. Is it an art film, a horror
show, a hygiene flick? Nobody knows!
I'm beggin' people to book it.
ED
(insulted)
Maybe it needs special handling.
GEORGIE
Screw you, Wood! I even sunk more
money into different titles:
"Transvestite" "He Or She?" "I Led
Two Lives"... It DOESN'T MATTER!
Nobody wants to see the piece of
shit.
ED
You can't talk that way about my
movie.
GEORGIE
"Your movie"?! I wish it was your
movie! I wish I hadn't blown every
dime I ever made into this stinkbomb.
If I ever see you again, I'll kill
you!!!
Georgie SLAMS down the phone. His split screen WIPES off,
leaving Ed standing alone.
Ed stares at the phone, then quietly hangs it up.
CUT TO:
INT. OLYMPIC AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
WHAM! A WRESTLER throws another WRESTLER at the mat. The
crowd CHEERS raucously. We're at the Saturday Night Wrestling
Matches!
In the stands are Ed, Dolores, Bunny, and Bunny's new YOUNG
MALE "FRIEND." Seated around them are hollering truckers and
ex-Marines. Bunny giggles and nudges gloomy Ed.
BUNNY
So guess where I'm going next
weekend?
ED
I don't know. Where?
BUNNY
Mexico! And guess what I'm going to
do there?!
ED
(not enjoying this game)
I dunno. Lie on the beach?
BUNNY
WRONG! I'm getting my first series
of hormone shots! And once those
babies kick in, they're gonna remove
my organs, and MAKE ME A WOMAN!
Ed is astonished.
ED
Jesus! Are you serious?
BUNNY
Yes! I've dreamed of it for years,
but your movie made me realize I've
got to take action. GOODBYE, PENIS!
The truckers nearby stare. Dolores covers her face.
DOLORES
Ssh! Will you keep it down?
The crowd suddenly ROARS and jumps up. A favorite wrestler has
entered the ring, massive TOR JOHNSON, 50. Tor is an
incredible sight: A bald, lumbering behemoth.
RING ANNOUNCER (amplified)
Now entering the ring, in the gold
trunks, 350 bone-crunching pounds of
pure strength, the "Swedish Angel"...
Tor Johnson!!!
The crowd goes apeshit. The stands are going to collapse from
the SHOUTING.
Ed's eyes are the size of saucers.
ED
My God, look at that guy. He's a
mountain!
The bell RINGS. Tor quickly grabs his OPPONENT, a man in a
blue mask, and throws him at the ground. Then Tor jumps onto
his stomach, easily picks him up, and heaves him at the ropes.
People CHEER. Ed is flabbergasted.
ED
I've never seen anything like him!
BUNNY
And once I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and
I are getting married --
ED
(eyes glued to the ring)
Ssh! He's so big! He's a monster!
Can you imagine what that guy would
be like in a movie?
ON TOR
He screams maniacally in Swedish. Tor lifts the Opponent over
his head and tosses him into the stands. Three rows of chairs
get knocked over.
CUT TO:
EXT. WRESTLER'S BAR - NIGHT
A tiny miniature European car pulls up. Tor Johnson is
squeezed inside -- ludicrously oversized for this vehicle. Tor
carefully wedges himself out and enters the bar.
INT. WRESTLER'S BAR - SAME TIME
This rowdy bar is packed with burly WRESTLERS. Tor walks in,
and men cheerily yell out: "Hey, Tor!" "Hi, Tor!" Tor grins.
In person, he actually seems a jolly, outgoing fellow.
Ed waves from the corner
ED
Mr. Johnson, over here!
Tor smiles and lumbers over
ED
Glad you could fit me in your
schedule.
TOR
(in a hoarse SWEDISH ACCENT)
Da pleasure be mine.
They shake hands. Ed's hands look like a baby's in Tor's giant
mitts.
Tor tries to sit in the booth. But he can't fit.
TOR
Could we moovf to table?
ED
Oh, of course!
Ed jumps up. They move to a large table. Now Tor is happy.
He starts shoveling beer nuts into his mouth.
ED
So, Mr. Johnson --
TOR
Tor!
ED
Tor. Have you ever thought about
becoming an actor?
TOR
(he CHUCKLES)
Mm, not good-lookink enough.
ED
I think you're quite handsome.
TOR
No. With hair, yah. But I must
shave head for wrestlink. It scare
da crowds. Dey like that.
Ed smiles.
ED
Well, I think you'd be a sensation
in pictures.
TOR
But what bout accent? Some people
tink I haf too much accent.
ED
Nah, that doesn't matter! It's a
visual medium.
A WAITRESS saunters over.
WAITRESS
Tor, what can I get ya?
TOR
I'll haf eight beers.
WAITRESS
(nonchalant, to Ed)
And you?
ED
Uhh, I'll have just one.
She walks off. Tor shakes the now-empty nut bowl.
TOR
And more nuts!
Ed tries to grab Tor's attention.
ED
So anyway, I've got this new script,
"Bride Of The Atom," and there's a
part you're ideal for: "Lobo." He's
tough. A brute. But he has a heart
-- and at the end he saves the girl.
TOR
(he laughs merrily)
I like. When do movie shoot?
ED
Hopefully, very soon. I'm just
awaiting the final okay from Mr.
Feldman at MGM.
CUT TO:
INT. ED'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT
Ed and Dolores are asleep. Suddenly the phone RINGS. Ed
fumbles for it and groggily answers.
ED
Wood Productions...
We hear Bela's weak VOICE.
BELA (on phone)
Eddie... help me...
ED
Bela?
BELA (on phone)
Eddie... please come over --
CLICK. The phone hangs up. Ed is very alarmed.
EXT. BELA'S HOUSE - LATE NIGHT
The wind is blowing. Ed's Nash roars up, and he jumps out, a
coat over his pajamas. He runs up and POUNDS on Bela's door.
ED
Bela?!
Ed tries the door. It's unlocked.
INT. BELA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME
Ed steps into the dark room, and is stunned by what he sees:
Bela is slumped on the floor, pasty white, eyes glazed. A
rubber tube is tied on his arm, and a HYPODERMIC NEEDLE lies
next to him.
The dogs crouch behind him, whimpering, despondent,
Bela looks up through half-opened eyes.
BELA
Eddie... my friend.
Aghast, Ed runs over.
ED
Bela, what happened?!
BELA
I didn't feel well...
ED
Let me take you to the hospital.
BELA
No hospital. Just take me to the
couch...
Ed nods. He picks up the old man and carries him across the
room to the couch. The large portrait of Bela, young and
robust, peers down.
ED
Should I call a doctor?
BELA
Nah. This happens all the time...
Ed puts a pillow under Bela's head.
ED
Is there anything I can get you?
Water? A blanket?
BELA
Goulash.
ED
(distressed)
I don't know how to make goulash.
Ed sits next to him. An awkward pause.
ED
What's in the needle?
BELA
Morphine, with a demerol chaser.
(he starts crying)
Eddie, I'm so broke. I don't know
what I'm gonna do...
ED
Don't worry. I'll do something.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOVIE STUDIO GATE - MORNING
Ed stands outside MGM, talking into a phone at the guard gate.
ED (on phone)
Mr. Feldman! I haven't been able to
get through, so I just showed up.
Yeah, out front! So, are we gonna
be working together?
(his face slowly falls)
Really? Worst film you ever saw...?
(beat)
Well, my next one will be better.
(beat)
Hello?
INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY
Dolores tries to cheer up gloomy Ed. He's wearing angora.
ED
I'm no good.
DOLORES
Ed, it's just one man's opinion!
ED
Bela needs a job... I can't even get
a film going...
(listless)
But of course I can't -- I made the
worst movie of all time.
DOLORES
That's ridiculous.
Ed sighs.
ED
All I wanna do is tell stories. The
things I find interesting...
DOLORES
Well maybe you're not studio kind of
material. Maybe you just need to
raise the money yourself.
Ed looks up.
INT. BANK - DAY
Ed sits opposite a LOAN OFFICER.
ED
The movie is called "Bride Of The
Atom"...
INT. DENTIST'S OFFICE - DAY
Ed continues, pitching to three DENTISTS in white coats.
ED
...It will star Bela Lugosi. Each
of you would put up $20,000...
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - DAY
Ed stands at a busy intersection. He YELLS into a phone.
ED
Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi.
He's still alive.
(beat)
Huh? Is he available Friday night?
Gee, I suppose so... Why?
cut TO:
INT. TV STUDIO - NIGHT
We're backstage at a '5Os variety show. It's exciting live TV:
Showgirls, techies, and cast members dart about in a state of
hyped-up tumult.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - SAME TIME
Bela and Ed sit in his dressing room, running lines. Bela is
in his Count outfit: Cape, jet black hair, red lips, etc. They
both read off SCRIPTS.
BELA
"Greetings. I am the Count."
ED
"Greetings. I am Slick
Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure."
Audience laughs. Applause. "Say,
that's a funny place to sleep."
BELA
"It is my home."
ED
"Oh, tract housing, huh?" Laugh.
"You need a new real estate agent."
BELA
"Beg to differ. This casket
incarpratates, er, inporporates --"
Ed interrupts.
ED
No Bela, that's "incorporates." Look,
just say "This casket has..."
BELA
(upset)
Ach! How do they expect a Hungarian
to pronounce this dialogue? This
live television is madness!
An ASSISTANT knocks and sticks her head in.
ASSISTANT
Five minutes, Mr. Lugosi.
INT. BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER
Ed and Bela stand in the wings. Onstage is the SHOW HOST, a
cheesy comedian. He is doing a routine with Criswell, the
famed psychic who opened this movie. Criswell wears a tux and
a turban and is acting mysterious.
HOST
And then what's gonna happen?
CRISWELL
In 1960, the automobile will have
retractable wings, so it can fly.
HOST
Sounds like a heck of a way to beat
traffic.
Audience LAUGHS. Criswell rubs his temples enigmatically.
CRISWELL
By 1970, Man will have colonized
Mars. Millions of people will live
there.
Ed is mesmerized.
ED
Wow! Ain't that something.
INT. STUDIO - LATER
We're out in the audience. The curtain rises on a SPOOKY SET:
Shadows, cobwebs, and a coffin in the center. The Host walks
onstage, to huge APPLAUSE. He's playing his "Slick" character,
a befuddled moron in a funny hat. The Host shines a flashlight
around, and then the coffin opens. Bela sits up. There's more
APPLAUSE.
BELA
Greetings. I am the Count.
HOST
Greetings. I am Slick Slomopavitz,
Seeker of Adventure.
The audience LAUGHS. Then APPLAUSE.
HOST
Say, that's a funny place to sleep.
BELA
It is my home.
HOST
Oh, tract housing, huh?
(he starts AD-LIBBING)
I guess I shouldn't complain about
my duplex in Burbank. What a dump.
Some places have a Murphy bed, this
place has a Murphy shower. I still
don't know where to hang the towels!
The audience HOWLS with laughter. Bela is totally lost. He
seems incredibly confused.
BELA
Uh, beg to differ.
HOST
"Beg to differ?!" Hey, I'm talkin'
about my duplex in Burbank!
BELA
(terrified, groping)
Uh, Greetings. I am the Count...
BACKSTAGE
Ed covers his face in embarrassment.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO HALLWAY - LATER
The Host angrily storms past.
HOST
I told you we should've gotten
Karloff.
He exits. A door opens, and Ed and Bela quietly step out.
ED
Bela, don't worry. You're better
than all this crap.
BELA
(distraught)
I never said I could ad-lib...
ED
Forget about it. We'll make our new
movie, and you'll be a star again.
They shuffle away... until Criswell and his snazzy ENTOURAGE
burst around a corner. Even in person, Criswell is ethereal
and quite self-important. He is delighted to see Bela.
CRISWELL
Mr. Lugosi! It is an unparalleled
privilege to meet you. Allow me to
introduce myself... I am CRISWELL!
BELA
(morose)
It's a pleasure...
CRISWELL
Ah, cheer up! Don't lose heart over
what happened tonight.
(he points at his temple)
I predict that your next project will
be an outstanding success!
ED
Wow.
CRISWELL
And who may you be?
ED
Edward Wood, Sir.
CRISWELL
Ah. The director of "Glen Or
Glenda."
ED
(startled)
H-how'd you know?!
CRISWELL
I'm Criswell. I know all.
Criswell winks.
CUT TO:
INT. MOCAMBO ROOM - NIGHT
Latin horns blast onstage of this hopping '5Os nightclub.
Cigarette girls roam about. Seated at a front table is Ed,
Bela, and Criswell's group. Everyone's plastered and laughing.
Criswell shouts above the din at a WAITER.
CRISWELL
Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.
Eddie will have another whiskey,
Dagmar's a Rum-and-coke, Moustapha
and King are chablis -- hey Bela,
would you like a wine?
BELA
No. I never drink -- wine.
The whole table CRACKS UP. Bela cheers up. Ed turns to
Criswell.
ED
Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be
living on Mars by 1970? How'd you
know it wouldn't be 1975, or even
1980?
CRISWELL
I guessed.
ED
I don't understand.
CRISWELL
I made it up. It's horseshit!
Ed's jaw drops.
CRISWELL
There's no such thing as a psychic.
People believe my folderol because
I wear a turban and a black tuxedo.
ED
It's that easy?
CRISWELL
Eddie, we're in show biz! It's all
about razzle-dazzle. Appearances.
If you dress nice and talk well,
people will swallow anything.
Criswell smiles knowingly. Ed nods at this profound wisdom.
CUT TO:
EXT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT
We're outside the legendary hat-shaped restaurant. A large
Eldorado pulls up, and a CONSERVATIVE MAN and his PLUMP WIFE
step out and approach the DOORMAN.
CONSERVATIVE MAN
Excuse me. We're here for the Wood
party.
DOORMAN
Ah, that would be in the Venetian
Room, sir.
The couple raise their eyebrows. They're impressed.
INT. BROWN DERBY - NIGHT
A large banner says "BRIDE OF THE ATOM - NEXT YEAR'S SMASH
HIT!"
In a private back room, Ed is throwing a LAVISH BACKERS PARTY.
All his riff-raff friends are dressed in tuxedos and gowns,
strutting about with flutes of champagne like they're extras
in "The Great Gatsby."
Bewildered POTENTIAL BACKERS wander around. Ed shmoozes them.
ED
We're gonna have the most terrifying
monster ever seen on film! A ghastly
creature created from an atomic
mutation!
BACKER'S WIFE
I don't like scary movies. I go more
for ones with love stories.
ED
(without dropping a beat)
Well that's what this movie is...
a heartbreaking romance! It's about
a young reporter, Janet Lawton, in
love with a young cop, Dick Craig.
ACROSS THE ROOM
Conrad and Paul sit in a corner. Conrad has a shoe off and is
scratching his foot. Ed alarmedly runs over.
ED
What do you think you're doin'?!
CONRAD
These shoes are itchy.
ED
You can't sit! You gotta walk
around, with good posture. You want
these people to think we have class.
Otherwise they'll never invest in our
movie.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Two AMAZED BACKERS have their hands around Tor's giant arm.
AMAZED BACKER
Bernie, get a load of this guy!
TOR
(proud of his size)
Biceps 22! Chest 62! Stomach 54!
AMAZED BACKER
Whew! You're quite a specimen.
(beat)
And you're gonna be in the picture?
TOR
Yes. I play Lobo!
ACROSS THE ROOM
An excited HICK BACKER shakes Bela's hand.
HICK BACKER
Mr. Lugosi, I can't believe I'm
meeting you in person. This is one
of the most exciting moments of my
life.
BELA
Thank you. And you are?
HICK BACKER
Charlie Johnson! I manufacture
toothpaste tubes.
ACROSS THE PARTY
Criswell struts in the b.g., talking to someone.
CRISWELL
I predict "Bride Of The Atom" will
be the biggest moneymaker of all
time!
In the f.g., Ed introduces Dolores to a SOUTHERN BACKER.
ED
And this is lovely starlet Dolores
Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.
SOUTHERN BACKER
And how much will this picture cost?
ED
In a normal studio it would be
half-a-million, with all their
wasteful overhead and fancy offices.
But because we're more efficient, we
can bring it in for seventy grand!
SOUTHERN BACKER
Hmm. Well I'll consider it...
EXT. BROWN DERBY - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ed and his buddies wave goodbye to the departing backers.
ED
Goodbye! Goodbye!
BELA
(to Ed)
So how'd we do?
ED
(faking a big smile, but SOTTO
VOCE to Bela)
We didn't make a dime.
IN THE PARKING LOT
A VALET hands the car keys to the Conservative Backer.
VALET
That's twenty-five cents, sir.
The man glances at his Wife. She shrugs.
WIFE
I gave all my money to the
babysitter.
The man grimaces. He checks his pockets, pulls out a handful
of PENNIES, and counts them out...
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S BACKYARD - DAY
Ed sits in a chaise lounge by the pool, studying papers and
drinking shots of whiskey. He's in a woman's pantsuit and
fuzzy slippers. Dolores marches out.
DOLORES
Ed, the landlord called again. He
wants his money.
ED
Tell him "Bride" is in pre-
production.
DOLORES
Ed, the landlord doesn't care.
ED
That's the problem! Nobody cares
about my movie! I'm tryin' so hard,
I don't know what else to do!
DOLORES
Don't get angry at me. Maybe you
just need a day job.
ED
(upset)
Dolores, don't you understand? I'm
a director now! I made "Glen Or
Glenda." Directing is my day job.
DOLORES
(irate)
All I know is, ever since "Glen Or
Glenda," all you do is booze it up
and wear my clothes!
Suddenly Paul hesitantly steps through the back gate.
PAUL MARCO
Uh, yoo-hoo. Excuse me! Sorry to
interrupt, but I got some big news.
ED
(dour)
Yeah...?
PAUL MARCO
Well my cousin Fred met this dame
from back East. She's from "old
money," and he thinks she's loaded.
And here's the kicker: She's very
interested in the picture business!
ANGLE - ED
He slowly smiles. It's like sun breaking through rain clouds.
CUT TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY
We're at a fancy outdoor brunch. Ed is shaking hands with
pretty LORETTA KING, 25, a pale brunette in a classy dress.
LORETTA
Pleased to meet you. I'm Loretta
King.
ED
I understand you just moved here?
LORETTA
Yes. Hollywood is oh so exciting.
A WAITER walks over, with a water pitcher.
WAITER
Water, Ma'am?
LORETTA
(suddenly freaking out)
No! No water! NO LIQUIDS! I'm
terribly allergic to them!
The waiter is bewildered. He hurries away. Ed leans in.
ED
So my associate Mr. Marco tells me
you may be interested in investing
in a motion picture.
LORETTA
Perhaps a small amount of money.
(she smiles)
How much do one of your motion
pictures cost?
ED
For this one, we need $60,000.
LORETTA
That's all?? That seems very
reasonable for an entire picture.
Ed perks up. She's a live one!
Ed pulls a script from his briefcase and hands it to her.
ED
Perhaps you'd like to look at the
photoplay.
LORETTA
Oh my, this is very interesting.
(she skims the pages)
Say... do you think it would be
possible for me to maybe play one of
these parts?
ED
(very enthused)
Oh, of course!! There's a couple
characters you'd be perfect for: The
secretary at the newspaper office,
or the file clerk!
LORETTA
Hmm. Those sound kind of small.
(stopping at a page)
Oh, here's one that looks good: Janet
Lawton. I'd sure like to play her.
Ed blanches.
ED
J-Janet Lawton???
LORETIA
Yes, Janet Layton is clearly the part
to play. She's got some real meaty
scenes! Can't you just see me in
that part??
CU - ED
He is aghast. What a stomach-churning decision. He stares at
Loretta, then slowly croaks a response.
ED
Uh... yeah...
(beat)
You'd be perfect.
CUT TO:
EXT. ED AND DOLORES'S HOUSE - DAY
We HEAR dishes being violently thrown. Dolores SCREAMS inside.
DOLORES (o.s.)
You bastard! You two-timing,
dress-wearing son-of-a-BITCH!!
INT. HOUSE - SAME TIME
Dolores is crying and screaming angrily. Ed ducks the objects
she hurls at him.
ED
It was the only way I could get the
movie made!
DOLORES
Who do you think's been paying the
rent?! Who helped type your script,
and did all your grunt work?!
ED
I'm sorry! What did you want me to
say?
DOLORES
I wanted you to say, "No! I wrote
the part for my girlfriend Dolores."
ED
But there's plenty of other parts.
DOLORES
Like what?!
ED
(nervous)
The secretary. Or the file clerk.
Dolores is stunned.
DOLORES
YOU ASSHOLE!
She hurls a pot at Ed. WHACK! It slams him in the head.
CUT TO:
INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
The sets are being erected for "Bride Of The Atom"! The crew
hurries about the small stage, as Ed energetically supervises.
He has a large band-aid on his head.
ED
This is gonna be Bela's laboratory,
so it should be real impressive!
Like one of those mad scientist
movies. I want beakers, and test
tubes, and one of those electrical
things that buzzes!
BUNNY
You mean a Tesla coil?
ED
If you say so.
Tor lumbers over, in his ripped Lobo outfit. His face has fake
gashed-up scars. Tor holds the script.
TOR
Edvard! I haf question 'bout script.
My vife Greta, she read. And she no
like.
ED
Really? Was the third act too
intense?
TOR
(trying to be polite)
No. She tink Lobo is waste of my
time. Lobo don't talk.
ED
But Tor, it's a starring part!
You're second billed.
TOR
Bela, he talk. Loretta, she talk.
But Tor, he no talk.
Ed thinks. He quickly puts a spin on this.
ED
Tor, dialogue is overrated. You look
at the classic film actors, who are
they? Fairbanks. Chaplin. They
didn't talk! They did it all with
their face.
TOR
(still bothered)
But Greta say --
Loretta walks over, holding two dresses.
LORETTA
Eddie, which dress do you like
better?
ED
I don't know.
(he yells o.s.)
Hey Bill, which dress is better for
you, the green or the red one?
Cameraman Bill is standing at the camera. He squints.
CAMERAMAN BILL
Which one is the red one?
ED
(confused)
What do you mean?
CAMERAMAN BILL
I mean I can't see the difference.
I'm color-blind.
(beat)
But I like the dark gray one.
WIPE TO:
LATER
The crew is shooting on a spooky castle foyer set.
ED
ACTION!
Bela enters, wearing a lab coat costume. As he slowly crosses,
the old man rubs his hands fiendishly. Ed YELLS live direction
through a megap | 
