HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Abby Kohn & Marc Silverstein
July 20, 2007
EXT. PARK - DAY
We float down through a serene, leafy park to the
children's play area. There, in the sandbox, a BEAUTIFUL
FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL plays among a group of kids.
I have a theory about how this all
A SIX YEAR OLD BOY approaches. He watches the little
girl for a moment as she gently shapes her sand castle.
And then - out of nowhere - THE LITTLE BOY PUSHES THE
LITTLE GIRL DOWN.
Why did you do that?
Because you smell like dog poo.
Some of the other kids SNICKER at this brilliant one-
liner. Our little girl's face turns red.
LITTLE BOY (CONT'D)
You're so stupid just like dog poo!
You're made of poo!
And then, just to punctuate, he JUMPS ON THE SANDCASTLE,
smashing it. Finally, our little girl starts to CRY.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Our beautiful girl sits at a kitchen table with her MOM.
She can only get out one syllable between big, wet sobs.
Made. (SOB) Of. (SOB) Dog. (SOB) Poo.
Honey, do you know why that little boy
did those things? And said those things?
The little girl shakes her head no.
Because he LIKES YOU.
FREEZE FRAME ON OUR LITTLE GIRL'S FACE - TRYING TO
Uh - excuse me -- but what - the - HELL?
Where did that rumor start? Because moms
have been spreading it for years.
BACK TO THE SCENE - THE MOM CONTINUES...
That little boy is doing those terrible
things because he HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.
We see our little girl take this in, like she is just now
beginning to understand the ways of the world.
Do you understand what this means? We
are all encouraged to believe that if a
guy acts like a total jerk -- that means
he likes you. Sure, that's a lesson that
might serve us as five year olds, but
many of us keep believing this advice
well into adulthood.
INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT
A CUTE COLLEGE GIRL sits CRYING in front of her ANSWERING
MACHINE, as her ROOMMATE looks on.
Then, as we get older, we carry on this
tradition of misreading the signals men
send by encouraging our friends to do the
The machine evilly flashes 0 in the NEW MESSAGES window.
That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.
I'm sure he just lost your number.
INT. HIGH RISE OFFICE - DAY
A HOT EXECUTIVE WOMAN stands in the office hallway,
watching a SEXY MALE COLLEAGUE walk by. He does not give
her a second glance. Her FEMALE SECRETARY looks on.
He's not asking you out because he's
intimidated by your professional success
and emotional maturity.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
A BUNCH OF TWENTY-SOMETHINGS sipping cocktails. One of
them is CRYING - smeared mascara, puffy eyes, etc.
CUTE TWENTYSOMETHING #1
Here's the problem. He likes you TOO
much. You're TOO pretty and awesome. He
can't handle it.
INT. BURGER KING - DAY
TWO FEMALE CASHIERS WORK SIDE BY SIDE.
Trust me. It's because he's just getting
out of a serious relationship.
INT. GYM - DAY
TWO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN work out on ellipticals.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN #1
Trust me. It's because he's never had a
INT. JAPANESE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
TWO HIPSTER JAPANESE GIRLS making their way through a
crowded Tokyo department store.
TOKYO GIRL #1 (SUBTITLE)
Shigeru's inability to commit clearly
stems from his failure to properly
imprint on his mother during breast
EXT. FRENCH POLYNESIA - DAY
A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN weaves BANANA LEAVES with a FRIEND.
I'm sure he forgot your hut number. Or
didn't get enough approval from his
father. Or was eaten by a giraffe.
This last part seems to cheer up the pretty woman.
Why do we say this stuff to each other?
Why do we tell each other these lies?
GIGI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Is it possible that it's because we're
too scared, and it's too hard, to say the
one obvious truth that's staring everyone
in the face?
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. AND THEN THE TITLE FADES UP:
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...
INT. BREWER'S ART - NIGHT
GIGI, pretty and approachable, sits in a booth at a hip
Mt. Vernon date spot with CONOR, cute but holding onto
his frat boy roots. They sip their near empty cocktails.
So, Janine told me you're a real estate
Yeah. But don't worry - not one of the
cheesy ones who puts his headshot on bus
benches and grocery carts.
So just like on frisbees and notepads?
Conor laughs. Gigi smiles -- she's doing well.
You got it.
My thoughts exactly.
Gigi sips her drink, and looks at Conor.
I wonder why Janine never thought of
introducing us before?
Yeah, I don't know, I ummm -
Their WAITRESS appears, cutting him off.
You guys ready for another round?
Conor looks to Gigi.
You want one more?
Only if you do. But I mean, if you have
to get going I totally ...
Gigi trails off. Conor considers this for a LONG MOMENT.
We can see on Gigi's face that she knows that the outcome
of this date hangs in the balance. It's an eternity.
Umm. OK. Sure. One more.
Gigi breathes a SIGH of relief.
You had Ketel and soda, right?
Gigi NODS and SMILES, clearly flattered that Conor
remembered her order. She scoots a little closer to him.
EXT. BREWER'S ART - NIGHT
Gigi and Conor HUG outside the restaurant.
Well, Conor, I had a really nice time.
Yeah. It was really nice meeting you.
Gigi waves flirtatiously and walks away, smiling.
She turns around to look, and sees Conor TAKE HIS CELL
PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET.
Gigi TAKES HER CELL OUT OF HER PURSE and dials.
Hey, it's me. He's cute. I think it
She sneaks another look over her shoulder to see Conor.
And I think he might me leaving me a
message at home as - we - speak.
We FREEZE FRAME ON GIGI, mid-step. Then, THE IMAGE
SLIDES OVER TO FIND:
CONOR - also in FREEZE FRAME. The image UNFREEZES and we
continue with Conor as he DIALS HIS CELL PHONE.
Hey, it's me...I just wanted you to know
that I was thinking about you.
INT. EDDIE'S OF ROLAND PARK GROCERY - SAME
ANNA, hot in an earthy sort of way, heads down the aisle.
She holds her cell phone in one hand - a BOTTLED WATER
and a BAG OF SOY NUTS in the other.
Conor, that's so nice. Thank you.
As Anna gets to the checkout, there's one person ahead of
her. He looks back to see her - he's BEN, good looking
and supremely likeable. They share a smile.
Do you want to go ahead?
Go ahead? You've only got two things.
She looks at what he's got - a SIX PACK OF SIERRA NEVADA.
You've only got one thing.
Well, technically it's six. And I'm
still mulling over a gum purchase. So...
He steps aside to let her go. She smiles.
Hey, let me call you right back.
She hangs up the phone and moves past Ben, hands her
things to the EMOTIONLESS CASHIER. As he rings them up -
she looks back at Ben - they SHARE ANOTHER LOOK.
She hands the cashier her ATM card - he swipes it.
Oh my word.
Come on. Seriously. I just deposited
money today. There's no way -
It's not that. Let me check something.
He turns and rifles through a stack of papers, finally
finding what he was looking for.
Congratulations. You won.
Our "Sizzlin' Summer" promotion. You're
our 1000th customer in June.
The cashier reaches under the register and pulls out an
IGLOO COOLER and hands it to Anna. She BEAMS.
Are you kidding?
Do I have that kind of manner? A joking
Anna looks to Ben. She looks like she's about to burst.
I swear to god, this is the most exciting
thing that's ever happened to me.
Ben can't tell if she's kidding.
Is that sad?
No, it's - charming. Congratulations.
Anna smiles wide, admiring her cooler. Then -
Wait, no. I can't accept this. You were
here first. I didn't win at all.
Yes, you did. Trust me - it's fate. You
were meant to have that cooler.
Anna throws her arms around him and hugs him.
Thank you SO MUCH.
Ben can't help but laugh.
INT. NATIONAL BREWERY LOFTS - NIGHT
Conor enters his apartment. ALEX sits on the couch
Hey. How was the date?
Fine. You know.
Conor heads for the kitchen, and turns back.
Why are you here?
My cable's out.
Conor returns from the kitchen with a beer.
You didn't hear the phone ring, did you?
Shit. Anna gave me the "I'll call you
How long ago?
Do I call back?
I know. I'll call back and say that I'm
going to bed.
At 9:30 PM? Genius.
It is genius. Because then I can say:
"In case you were going to call me back -
don't - 'cause I'll be sleeping."
Conor pulls off his jacket and tosses it next to a box -
which contains about 50 FRISBEES. On each frisbee:
A LARGE PICTURE OF CONOR, WITH HIS PHONE NUMBER AND THE
TITLE: CONOR BARRY REAL ESTATE AGENT
Conor dials his cell phone as he heads back to his room.
CLOSE ON: A CELL PHONE. IT READS "CONOR CALLING"
EXT. EDDIE'S OF ROLAND PARK - SAME
We TILT up to find Anna and Ben. Anna looks at her
phone, presses IGNORE and stashes it in her purse.
Sorry. What was I saying?
I think you were telling me how you don't
want to be like your mom and wake up and
realize you didn't pursue your dreams.
Ben opens his GUM and offers Anna a piece. She takes one
and laughs, a bit embarrassed.
Was I? Little intense for grocery store
It's OK. I might even be able to help
you out. There's a guy at my firm who
has exclusively music clients.
That would be - amazing. What are you -
like my savior?
Anna digs through her purse to find a piece of paper.
She writes down her number, and holds it out to him. He
looks at it, contemplating. He doesn't take it.
OK. Look. I'm married. I don't do
Don't do what? Help struggling singers?
Help hot Pilates instructing singers who
happen to be very charming.
Anna takes the slip of paper and puts it away.
Do you want to give me your card? That's
legit. I bet you're allowed to do that.
Ben considers this.
Right. OK. I guess that would be OK.
FROM INSIDE A CAR PARKED AT THE STORE:
We see Anna and Ben talking. They shake hands awkwardly
and Ben HEADS TOWARDS US.
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
Ben gets in the car, bag in hand, and joins NEIL, 40,
arty and kind looking, who's behind the wheel.
So, who was that?
A prospective client.
I can talk to a woman Neil. It doesn't
have to be like that.
Neil looks at him, smirk growing.
Neil starts the car and they pull away.
INT. WESTSIDE LOFT - NIGHT
Neil walks into a vast space. Nice art, a cozy yet
architectural look - a cool place to live.
Hey, babe. You here?
We PAN over to a couch - where BETH is wrapped in a throw
blanket, watching TV. She's got her hair in a messy bun.
He joins her on the couch. And sees that the TV is off.
Yeah. Just got off the phone.
Neil gets up again.
You want some tea or something?
It was my baby sister. She's getting
That's great. I've always liked that
Devon guy. That's really great.
Beth looks at him. She doesn't look that happy.
Do you think it's great?
So, you think it's great that they're
getting married, but you never feel like
we're going against nature or something
by not getting married?
He sits back down, puts his arms around her.
Going against nature is like that cat who
started nursing that monkey. We're just
two people who aren't married.
Beth manages a weak smile.
I actually think the odds of having a
successful relationship increase by not
getting married. Look at my parents -
all marriage got them was thirty two
years of misery and joint checking.
Yeah, I know. I get that.
Like I've always told you - I love you -
and we don't need a marriage certificate
to legitimize our relationship.
Lemme get you some tea.
He exits. Beth starts to CRY, but quickly dries her
tears, and forces herself to pull it together.
EXT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - MORNING
A brick row house in an up and coming neighborhood -
clearly under massive renovation.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - SAME
We make our way through rooms with plastic covering the
doorways - until we find JANINE stepping into the
hallway. She checks herself in a vintage mirror,
straightens it a tad, then heads down the stairs to find
GIGI, on her cell phone. Gigi slams it closed.
OK, so clearly he hasn't called.
Gigi shakes her head.
Maybe he's away on business.
He sells real estate. In Baltimore.
Staying in town is his business.
Janine ponders this.
Look, let me tell you - after the first
time I went out with Ben, he didn't call
me for eleven days. ELEVEN DAYS. And
now he's like the world's best husband.
That happens all the time.
Gigi manages a small smile.
This is all your fault.
You set me up with him.
No - you asked if I knew any guys and I
gave Conor your number. That's not a set
up. When I do a set up - I weigh pros
and cons. I do my due diligence. All I
know about Conor is he sold us this
Gigi peers out the window.
He sold you a house in the ghetto.
It's a neighborhood "in transition."
Gigi makes a move for the phone, Janine stops her.
He said he always hangs at Red Maple
after work. Maybe I should do a little
Please, don't. He'll call.
Off Gigi - panic seeping in.
FADE TO CHAPTER CARD: ...IF HE'S NOT CALLING YOU
AMBER, pretty if a little thick in the middle, sits in
the courtyard of an office park in her work clothes.
Caller ID was the worst thing that's ever
happened to me. Total invasion of my
personal freedom. When a guy doesn't
call me, it is my right - my duty even -
to call him and hang up several thousand
times. Or at least until his mother
shouts at me in Albanian and blows a
police whistle into the phone. I mean,
calling and hanging up is an age old
expression of love and frustration and
too many wine coolers - and who is AT&
f'ing T to take that away from me?
Next thing you know, someone is going to
ban me from sitting in my car in front of
a guy's house, blaring "Where Is Your
Heart" by Kelly Clarkson until his new
stupid girlfriend comes outside and
threatens to scratch my eyes out with her
acrylics. I mean, a girl deserves
freedom of expression, right?
INT. GYM - DAY
Pilates class. We pan down the row of mats, STUDENTS
obediently doing The Mermaid. We finally land on Gigi's
mat: Gigi manages to twist herself into a passable
Mermaid - as her CELL PHONE lies in full view on her mat.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Shower is on, curtain pulled. A CELL PHONE RINGS. An
ARM SHOOTS out of the shower and grabs it from the sink.
Mom, I gotta call you back.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Gigi lays in bed, her CELL PHONE right next to her head.
One eye POPS OPEN, checks the phone, and closes again.
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
A typical, corporate style office. Walled off cubicles
for the junior execs, outer offices for management.
Gigi is in her cubicle. Janine, her friend and, we now
learn, co-worker, sits on Gigi's desk.
So, this was at the end of the date, or
at the beginning?
End. Why - does it matter?
Yeah. "Nice meeting you" at the beginning
of the date is normal. "Nice meeting
you" at the end could be a blow off.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
Then that's fine. He's gonna call.
Or maybe it was at the end. Or maybe it
was nice to meet me.
Wait - was it "nice meeting you" or "nice
to meet you"?
Shit. I can't remember.
"Nice to meet you" is OK. "Nice meeting
you" is like "Do you want your receipt in
The girls look up to find BETH standing there, listening.
Remember the days when you guys at least
pretended to be working when I came in?
Beth heads to her office. Janine and Gigi follow.
Janine, how's the press release?
Janine, clearly organized, flips open her notebook:
Beckon the baking to begin! McCormick,
the flavor expert, introduces five fun
filled flavors that will definitely
delight dessert divas!
Gigi stifles a laugh.
Maybe a shade heavy on the alliteration -
but otherwise good.
Where are we with the company newsletter?
I am so almost done with that. It's just
been a little hard to focus on my article
about the two sets of twins in market
research, when the guy - who may or may
not be the guy of my dreams - refuses to
Beth looks at Gigi, more sympathetic friend than boss.
Look, after my first date with Neil, I
called him. There are no rules anymore.
Why should you have to wait for him to
get off his ass?
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Gigi sits at her desk, Janine standing by her side.
She's got a few sheets of paper on her desk.
Gigi takes a deep breath, picks up the office phone and
dials. Janine gives her a thumbs up.
(listening to receiver)
Gigi nods - it's all under control.
(reading off her paper)
Hey, Conor. It's Gigi. I just thought,
I hadn't heard from you and, I mean how
stupid is it that a gal has got to wait
for a guy's call anyway, right?
Gigi laughs, but as she looks back to the notes, she
seems confused. She turns to Janine, panicked, mouthing -
"What does this say?". Janine looks - she's no help.
I mean, we're all equal, right? More
than equal -- more women are accepted
into law school now than men, and we do
better in those police simulations where
you can mistakenly shoot innocent people -
(rifles through the pages)
- I mean I don't know if you saw that
Dateline - but women practically have
penises now, right?
(looks to Janine, helpless)
Well, call me. This is Gigi. Call me.
Gigi hangs up, unsure. She looks to Janine.
Don't worry. He's totally gonna call.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - LATER
Gigi stares at the PHONE. Then she feigns disinterest in
the phone. It still doesn't ring. Finally, she picks up
the receiver to listen for a dial tone. And PANICS.
WHAT? How can there be no dial tone?
She frantically jiggles the cord, then hears something.
Mom? Is that you? I can't talk now.
I'll call you back.
She hangs up, stares at the phone again. A look of
DETERMINATION crosses her face. She dials.
Janine. It's me. Conor never called, so
I'm on the precipice of staging a casual
run-in at Red Maple. Pick up if you want
to stop me.
(beat, then really fast)
Gigi hurriedly hangs up, and heads out the door.
INT. RED MAPLE - NIGHT
A CROWDED, SCENEY restaurant/bar - with a giant red
Japanese maple growing behind the bar (thus the name).
We follow a THIN, BLACK CLAD HOSTESS as we wind through
the throng of stylish twentysomethings at the bar to:
INT. RED MAPLE - KITCHEN - SAME
A busy kitchen. Off the kitchen a door leads to:
INT. RED MAPLE - OFFICE - SAME
ALEX sits at a small, cluttered desk, rifling through
some papers. Then, from the doorway:
Alex looks up to see KELLI ANN - Red Maple's hot hostess,
standing in the doorway. She makes her way in.
So. Here we are. Same shift again.
I know. I make the schedule.
I figured it was no coincidence.
She leans against the desk. Alex keeps working.
KELLI ANN (CONT'D)
I had fun the other night.
Yeah. It's amazing where 10 shots of
Patron will get you.
Kelli Ann laughs, then thinks - wait, was that nice?
Anyway - I was thinking, maybe tonight
after work...we could, you know...
Alex stops what he's doing, looks up at her.
Look, Kelli Ann - what happened between
us the other night was - fun. But we're
way understaffed tonight - I even have to
man the bar - and that's why I scheduled
you. To work. So...
He goes back to work. Kelli Ann stands there, frozen.
Alex can feel her eyes on him.
Are we good here?
Kelli Ann's face goes flush. She tries to hide it. She
backs up, puts on a smile.
No. We're good.
She leaves. Alex exhales, goes back to work.
INT. RED MAPLE - LATER
In the back doorway leading to the alley, Alex stands
chatting with TYRONE, 18, a busboy, who smokes a
cigarette he holds just outside the doorway.
Kelli Ann approaches, trying to squeeze through, and
ACCIDENTALLY (ON PURPOSE) SHOULDER BLOCKS ALEX. HARD.
He has to take a step to catch his balance.
He turns around to see what happened, but Kelli Ann keeps
walking eyes front. He and Tyrone share a look.
Tyrone laughs as Alex shakes his head, not happy.
INT. RED MAPLE - HOSTESS STAND
Gigi enters slowly, looking around, searching for Conor.
She tries to move toward the bar as she's met by Kelli
Ann, who grabs a few menus and slaps on a smile.
Are you joining us for dinner or -
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
Gigi continues to scan the place, not paying attention.
I'm meeting someone.
I believe you mentioned that.
Gigi finishes her visual tour of the room - no Conor.
I'm gonna wait at the bar.
That's a great idea.
Gigi walks off. Kelli Ann takes her place behind the
AT THE BAR
Gigi grabs a stool with a good view of the door. Alex,
now behind the bar, approaches.
What can I get you?
Oh, that's OK. I'm meeting someone.
Alex takes her in. She's clearly nervous.
Oh, yeah? Got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd call it hot -- I
mean this guy Conor and I have only been
out the one time so --
Wait - Conor Barry?
Gigi is busted.
Oh, uhh, yeah --
Conor's not coming in tonight. Did he
forget he was supposed to meet you?
See when I said "meeting someone" I guess
that was kind of a broad term, kind of a
wide interpretation of the word "meeting"-
Because I could just call him --
Alex reaches for the phone.
NO! I mean, totally unnecessary. I
mean, I actually was just - in the area -
so I figured I'd just swing by and see if
he was around - because - uhhh ---
Alex waits, looking at Gigi, amused. She is panicking.
I uhh, had to return his --
Gigi frantically searches her coat pockets - searching
for something, anything - and finally fishes out A PEN.
She looks at it - and decides to go with it.
Pen. I had to return this - pen. He
left this. So, I thought I should really
return it before he - you know -
(conspiratorially to Alex)
-- freaks out.
Alex looks at her skeptically. And then takes the PEN,
and inspects it.
Dr. Frankel - Adult, Child and Geriatric
Look, I'm not gonna judge about what may
or may not be important to someone.
That's not even his dentist.
Oh, really? Then who's his dentist?
Gigi looks at Alex for a long moment, and finally folds.
I'm Gigi. Conor and I went out last
week. And I just...I thought if I ran
into him...I don't know. I'm gonna go.
Gigi struggles to get out quickly. Alex looks at her -
holding her pen, looking quite frazzled - and softens.
Hey. Just - hang out for a second.
Lemme buy you a drink.
Gigi SMILES and sits back down.
INT. RED MAPLE - NIGHT
It's late. The bar is nearly empty. Alex is totaling
receipts - and Gigi is still nursing a drink.
Look, you seem like a cool girl, so I'm
just gonna be honest - Conor is never
going to call you.
Oh really? How do you know?
Because I'm a guy. It's how we do it.
He said it was nice meeting me.
I don't care if he said you were his
favorite female since his mommy and
Joanie Cunningham. Over a week went by -
and he didn't call.
But maybe he called me and I didn't get
the message. Or maybe he lost my number,
or was out of town, or was hit by a cab,
or his grandma died.
Or maybe he just didn't call because he
has no interest in seeing you again.
Yeah but my friend Terri once went out
with this guy who never called and she
totally wrote him off - then like a year
later she ran into him --
Your friend Terri's an idiot. And she's
OK. But what if I'm the exception?
You're not. You're the rule. And the
rule is - if a guy doesn't call you, he
doesn't want to call you.
Yeah. Always. I know what blowing off a
woman looks like. I do it early and I do
it often. Trust me - if a guy is
treating you like he doesn't give a shit -
- he doesn't. No exceptions.
Gigi thinks this over.
Why are you telling me all of this?
Aren't these man-secrets - like why men
need to watch televised golf?
I don't know. You looked like you could
really use the help.
Thank you. You've given me a lot to
Gigi smiles at him.
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORP. HQ - DAY
Gigi comes in - carrying a MESSY HANDFUL OF PAPERS, with
crazy hair and wearing the last outfit we saw her in.
I was up all night.
Please say you were working on the
Sure. It's basically done. But this is
What's happening with your hair?
Beth comes out of her office and looks at Gigi.
Please come in my office before the
others see that you have mini muffin
stuck in your hair.
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORP. HQ - BETH'S OFFICE - DAY
Gigi paces in front of Beth's desk.
I think I figured it out. Remember when
I went out with that notary public? And
he cheated on me? And then Anastasia
from upstairs told us that story about
how her boyfriend cheated on her at the
beginning - but then he totally changed
and they're married and crazy in love.
I thought that guy was a process server.
No, notary. Anyway, the point is -
Anastasia is the exception. Not the
rule. We have to stop listening to these
stories - because the rule is that most
guys who cheat on you up front don't
really care about you very much.
Gigi consults her crumpled pieces of paper.
Exhibit A: Chad, the drummer who lived
in his storage space. He only used me
for rides, yet I continued to stalk him
for most of 1998. Then there was Don,
who broke up with me every Friday so he
could have his weekends free. I was so
delusional about our relationship that I
referred to him as my husband to random
people like my dental hygenist.
And all my friends would tell me stories
about how things might work out with
these dipshits because they knew someone
who knew someone who dated a dipshit just
like mine, and that girl ended up getting
married and living happily ever after.
But that's the exception. And we're not
the exception - we're the rule.
Gigi sits down, spent. But Beth has been listening.
OK. So let me see if I understand. What
you're saying is that when people tell me
about some girl they know who dated a guy
for thirteen years, and then he finally
married her -- that's the exception. And
the rule is that guys - like Neil - who
are with girls - like me - for seven
years without getting married - are never
Beth is serious. Gigi freezes, tries to backtrack.
No. No, no, no. That's not what I'm
saying. This has absolutely nothing to
do with you. I was just talking, you
know, about me. Specifically.
Off Beth, knowing it's about her, too.
INT. SASSY NAILS - EVENING
Anna and MARY, beautiful but doesn't know it, sit in side
by side pedicure chairs. Anna holds a BUSINESS CARD.
It is impossible not to like this guy.
I'm pretty sure he was heavily flirting
with me outside Eddie's, and then he
tells me he's married. You'd think I'd
be pissed, but I literally could not stop
myself from liking him.
But he's married.
I realize that. I keep trying to force
myself to picture him in some church
saying vows to some woman, and even that
doesn't cool it off. What is my problem?
OK. There was this guy who worked in my
dad's printing business. Married for
fifteen years to a nice lady. And then
he meets this woman at some church event.
And he told my dad he just had never felt
anything like it before. I mean, he had
finally met the love of his life. So, he
divorced his wife, and he's been with
this other woman for 22 years and they
are blissfully happy. I mean, what if
you meet the love of your life - but you
already married someone else? Are you
supposed to pass them by?
You're right. I'm calling him.
Anna pulls her feet out of the pedicure bath, goes in a
private corner, and dials her cell phone.
Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks.
Hey, Anna. What's up?
Well, I was just taking you up on your
offer. You said you might know someone
who could help me out and I thought we
could discuss it -- over coffee?
Anna waits for a response. On the other end she hears
some rustling, some silence, definitely awkwardness.
Look, I just...I can't Anna. You seem
great. It's just - I don't know. I
should go. Take care.
Anna takes this in - STUNNED. She hangs up. Her eyes
sting. She can't face Mary so she just stares at weird,
bleached out photos of nails and HOLDS BACK THE TEARS.
Finally, she looks at her cell phone and dials again.
INT. NATIONAL BREWERY LOFTS - NIGHT
Conor opens the door to find Anna standing there.
I am so psyched that you called.
I had sort of given up on you when you
didn't call me back the other night.
Well, you know. I was just thinking
Conor buys it, and ushers her inside.
INT. NATIONAL BREWERY LOFTS - NIGHT
Anna is stretched out with a wine glass in hand, feet in
Conor's lap. He rubs her feet as they talk.
OK. Give me the categories again.
There are four. Sexy, smart, funny or
cute. And each person can only be two.
Like Sarah Jessica Parker is funny and
sexy. Or Bill Clinton is sexy and smart.
I love that you are hot for Clinton.
So, which am I?
What was I again?
Smart and cute.
Conor smiles, happy for any compliment.
OK. You're sexy. Very sexy. And cute.
She bangs him on the head with a pillow.
No. Cute and sexy are in the looks
column. No one wants to be in all one
Well, I sound like a jackass if I say
you're all four. But you're so obviously
all four. Especially sexy.
You're the best.
Anna sits up, and moves to Conor. She looks at him,
pulls him in for a nice, long HUG.
I better go.
Oh. OK. I mean, you could just stay
Anna gives him a knowing look.
What? It's been a while.
I know. It's just - I'm fried. Is that
Sure. Of course.
Anna smiles and gets up. Conor reluctantly follows her
to the door. She KISSES HIM ON THE LIPS, smiles, and
INT. WESTSIDE LOFT - NIGHT
Beth opens the door to find NEIL, standing on the couch
in his socks, hanging a PAINTING.
Hey babe, is this straight?
Why are you hanging that?
I told you I'd do it weeks ago. You
don't like it there?
I love it there. But just - stop.
It's the image, isn't it? I didn't see
it before, but - you're right - it
totally looks like a sagging boob.
Beth is silent.
You want me to take it down?
No. I want you stop doing anything nice.
Is this a trick?
No. I need you to stop being nice to me -
unless you're gonna marry me after.
Is that funny?
No. It was just - I was just--
See, you can't keep being nice to me and
I can't keep pretending like this is
something that it's not. We've been
together over seven years. You know me.
You either want to marry me or you don't.
Or there is the possibility that I just
don't really believe in the concept of -
BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! Bullshit for every
woman who's been told by some guy that he
doesn't believe in marriage just to see
him turn around eight months later and
marry some twenty four year old girl he
met at the gym. Bullshit.
Beth tries to hold back her tears. Neil looks stunned.
He hops down off the couch and goes to her.
Honey, where is all this coming from?
From the place that I have been hiding
from you for the last five years because
I didn't want to seem demanding, or
clingy or psycho or whatever. So I never
ask. But now I'm going to ---
Neil looks at her. She looks at him.
Are you ever going to marry me?
Beth looks at Neil. There is a long, painful SILENCE.
I can't do this anymore.
She walks out of the room.
FADE TO CHAPTER CARD: ... IF HE'S NOT MARRYING YOU
AMY sits with a sleeping baby in her arms.
I was with Damon for six years. He asked
me to marry him on the phone, because
he's just so different and cool like
that. Said he'd eventually get me a
ring, which he didn't, but he did buy
himself a ring because isn't that so
hilarious and cool that the guy is
wearing the ring? Then, my favorite part
is, I stayed with him even after he took
back his proposal, and introduced the
idea of a "relation vacation." Isn't
that a cute name? Let me explain the
concept: it involves dating a girl from
the time she's thirty two to the time
she's thirty nine, possibly robbing her
of the ability to bear children, and
then, after all that, wanting to take a
year off. And giving it a fun name that
you can put on t-shirts.
(looks at the baby, smiles)
I left him.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY
Ben, our married guy from the grocery store, sits on the
floor in a barely furnished room, and dials his cell.
Hey, Anna. This is Ben. Look, I know
it's been a little while since you
called. I just - it took me by surprise.
But I offered to help you with your
career, and I don't see why I can't do
that, right? So, give me a call. Maybe
you can come by the office this week or
something. Okay, take care. Bye.
Ben hangs up. And STARES INTO SPACE until THE DOOR OPENS
TO REVEAL: JANINE. Gigi's co-worker. And Ben's WIFE.
Hey, how --
Ben is CLEARLY STARTLED.
Shit - you scared me.
Janine looks at him.
Is everything OK?
Yeah. Everything's fine. Why?
She sits down next to him, looks at him intently.
Are you smoking again?
No, sweetie. Why?
Well - you get jumpy when you smoke.
Ben puts his arm around Janine, and pulls her close.
I'm not smoking. So, why don't we worry
about what color we're gonna paint this
room, instead of worrying about things
that aren't happening?
Janine contentedly curls up to Ben.
I don't know - I was thinking maybe -
Well, I mean, at some point.
Janine gives Ben a knowing look. He gets it.
You sure we're ready for this now?
No. But I mean, we could paint one room
pink and one blue just in case.
Ben looks at her and LAUGHS.
You've already created the perfect family
in this house, and we don't even have
I'm sorry. I know I promised we'd wait
to talk about it -
Ben looks at her, snuggled against him.
I think we're almost ready to start
talking about it.
Janine smiles CONTENTEDLY.
I've always liked the name Gisele.
Ben LAUGHS. She lets him.
INT. PORTER'S - EVENING
Packed, Federal Hill happy hour bar scene. Gigi and
Janine stand, squeezed in among the after work crowd.
JARRAD, early thirties, chats amiably with Gigi.
Well, ladies, I guess I have to get back
to the office.
You go back to the office after happy
hour? What's happy about that?
I met you.
Janine and Gigi melt.
So, I'd love to call you sometime. Do
you have a card?
Gigi hands him her card with lightning speed.
And here's my info.
Jarrad hands Gigi HIS CARD as well.
Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi.
He starts to head over to his BUDDIES. Gigi is confused.
So, wait -- how are we doing this? Are
you hearing from me or am I getting a
Jarrad turns back.
You said you'd love to call me, but then
you said "look forward to hearing from
you." See how that's kinda confusing?
Look - we'll talk. We'll get in touch.
He tries to take off again.
Ooopsie - you did it again. Very vague.
You know what? Why don't we just say
that you'll call me, and then we can skip
all the nonsense.
Jarrad just gives her a blank stare.
Or I guess I could just call you --
He takes off. The girls watch him.
He was cute.
Please don't cyber-stalk him.
Gigi looks at the name on the card - JARRAD MONTROSE -
and then - TEARS HIS BUSINESS CARD IN TWO.
Wait - what are you doing?
I'm not calling him. If he wants to see
me - he'll call.
Wow, that guy Alex really made an
impression on you. Was he hot?
No. He was just -- right.
Off Gigi, sipping her drink, full of optimism.
INT. BALTIMORE BLADE - DAY
The offices of Baltimore's gay weekly paper. The
elevator opens - and in walks Mary, cheerful as always.
We follow her down the hall as she ad-libs hellos to her
co-workers. One thing becomes glaringly clear - SHE IS
THE ONLY WOMAN WHO WORKS HERE.
She gets to her desk and is descended upon by - BRUCE,
NATHAN, and JOSHUA. All mid-20's. All gay.
Mary looks at them, smiling, enjoying their impatience.
He asked me out.
Oh my god! He called?
What? Did he travel by carriage and
leave his calling card with your lady in
He MySpaced me.
The guys all look skeptical.
I don't know. My slutty sister says
MySpace is the new booty call.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Things
have changed. People don't just meet
organically anymore. If I want to make
myself more attractive to the opposite
sex, I don't go get a new haircut - I
update my profile. That's just how it
The guys look at her, starting to understand. Mary's
Back to work.
She smiles at the guys - they disperse as she picks up.
Ad sales - this is Mary.
INTERCUT WITH EXT. LIGHT ST. - DAY
Conor sits on a bench, NEWSPAPER folded open on his lap.
Hey, it's Conor. Anna's - uh - friend.
Hey. So, did you see it?
I'm not sure about this.
You gotta trust me. It's a burgeoning
market. You're gonna make a fortune.
Conor looks at the paper.
Yeah. I hope so. But, like - did you
have to put me on the page with the
It was either that or on the page with
the personals. I made a call.
OK. You're right. Hey, have you talked
to Anna lately?
Conor leaves the paper and gets up. He walks away, still
on the phone, we STAY WITH THE NEWSPAPER AND WE PUSH IN.
UNDER VARIOUS 1 INCH ADS FOR MASSEUSES, S&M and LEATHER
TYPE SERVICES - THERE'S A HALF PAGE AD UNDER THE TITLE:
THE HOME FOR YOUR LIFESTYLE - CONOR BARRY - REAL ESTATE
Under which is a picture of Conor, standing in front of a
brick Tudor, a SOLD SIGN proudly displayed. In the
background - TWO MEN look lovingly at their new home.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY
PAIGE, blonde and angelic, looks on as LAURA, CATHERINE,
and Beth pull on matching coral dresses.
I do not understand how you got mom to
sew all of these in two weeks.
She wanted to do it.
Mom told me she felt like an old
Indonesian lady in a sweatshop.
No, she didn't.
Why again do you need to get married so
You're so pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
Chug a beer, then. I want to see you
chug a beer.
We're in love, you assholes. That's what
people do when they're in love - they get
Everyone FREEZES. And looks at BETH. Big silence.
Bethie, you know I didn't mean --
It's OK. Neil and I are actually - done -
This is clearly news.
Why didn't you tell us? You should have
You have to come over and have dinner
with me and Steven and the kids tonight,
OK? You can even stay over if you want.
Why would she want to hang out with us
and our husbands? Seriously, Beth, isn't
that exactly what you want to avoid right
But before Beth can even answer --
You know what - if being in the wedding
is too painful-
You guys, it's cool. I'm fine. So I
lost a little time. Big deal.
Beth grabs her purse and starts for the door.
So not a big deal. You're still really
Everything you learned in that
relationship is just gonna make the next
one so much stronger.
Beth exits, still wearing a half-sewn bridesmaid's dress.
She wasted so much time.
I knew he was never gonna propose.
The girls nod in agreement.
INT. LAW OFFICE - DAY
Ben sits behind his desk, sifting through a pile of
papers. We PAN around to Anna sitting across from him.
I know it's here somewhere. I spoke to
George Lane in music, and he gave me this
whole list of references for you.
It's cool. You can call me when you find
I swear I didn't lure you here under
I know. But a girl can dream.
He looks up at her and smiles.
You're obviously too good of a guy.
They share a LONG LOOK.
Why are you married, again?
Seriously. Why? It'll be good for me.
Tell me how you decided that you could
not be without this other woman.
We'd been together since college. She
gave me an ultimatum: we get married or
we break up. So, we got married.
Seriously? You just caved?
You're a dick if you date a girl for too
long, and don't marry her. But you marry
her, and then you're an asshole for
marrying her before you're ready. Shit -
I don't know.
He looks at her.
You're really hot and I'm obviously
attracted to you, but I guess the best I
can do is eventually find this piece of
paper, and call you, and hope I help in
some small way with your career, and be
happy about that.
Anna takes this in.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - DAY
Janine walks in from work to her construction site home.
She peeks into the dining room, where she sees her CHERRY
WOOD DINING TABLE covered in a THICK LAYER OF DUST.
She waits for a response. Nothing. She starts to brush
the dust off with her hands.
JAVIER. I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT
TARPING THE FURNITURE.
Still nothing. So Janine drops her work things, and
heads out the side door of the house to a STORAGE AREA.
EXT. STORAGE AREA - DAY
There are cans of paint, bags of cement, some tarps.
Janine grabs a TARP, when she sees, on a window ledge,
next to a folding chair - AN ALUMINUM FOIL ASHTRAY.
CIGARETTE BUTTS. AN EMPTY PACK OF AMERICAN SPIRITS.
She stares at them for a moment, then heads back inside.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - DAY
CLOSE ON: A TORN BUSINESS CARD, TAPED BACK TOGETHER. The
name on the card is JARRAD MONTROSE. Gigi sits, staring
at the card. She reaches for the phone, and then thinks
the better of it. And again.
Finally, she grabs the receiver, picks it up, and dials.
Hi, this is Gigi.
INTERCUT WITH: INT. RED MAPLE - OFFICE - DAY
Alex sits in his office. He talks into his CELL.
Gigi Phillips. I had the - umm - dentist
I'm really sorry to bug you. I just - I
thought you had some really good insights
the other night and -- I had a question.
Okay, maybe I need to be harsh -- Conor
is never going to be interested in you.
No, I know. This is about -
(she looks at the card)
- Jarrad. You have a sec?
So I meet him at happy hour and he was
completely charming --
Lemme guess - he said the only thing
happy about this hour is you.
He may have used some derivative of that.
So, he says he's going to call, but then
gave me his card and --
He's not interested.
You don't even know if he called --
No. But the thing is, I honestly think
he's expecting my call.
He said "Look forward to hearing from
you" and not "Look forward to talking to
you." I mean, do you hear the
He. Is. Not. Interested.
Tyrone appears in Alex's doorway.
Alex - this is jacked. The hostess is
giving me shit for not wearing a white
shirt -- this shirt is WHITE!
Tyrone points to a VERY SMALL WHITE INSIGNIA on an
otherwise BLACK SHIRT. Alex shuts the door on him.
TYRONE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
This shit is white.
If a guy gives you his phone number,
instead of taking yours, he's not
He took mine first, but then he --
And, if a guy wants to see you, he will
see you. I once called 55 Lauren Bell's
until I got the right one.
That's cute. What happened?
As it turned out, her ass looked really
huge in daylight.
Is it your sensitivity that makes you so
popular with women?
Don't call him. He doesn't like you.
Again with the sensitivity.
Just trying to help.
I know. Thanks.
Gigi hangs up, re-tears up Jarrad's card.
EXT. DUNDALK HOME - BACKYARD - DAY
CLOSE ON: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM written across a CAKE.
As the candles are blown out, we widen to reveal: Anna
and Conor siting at a cheap picnic table in a tiny
backyard, across from MAYA - Anna's mom.
As Maya refills her glass from a BOTTLE OF WINE, Anna
grabs a GIFT from her bag - hands it to her mom.
Oh sweetie - you didn't have to get me
Mom - you always say that and I always
get you something.
Maya takes a BIG SIP OF WINE (not her first) as she tears
open the gift, which is clearly a RECORD ALBUM.
It's no big deal.
What is it?
Maya shows him the album - TIM BUCKLEY'S STARSAILOR.
Tim Buckley. Nice.
Here - put on my favorite.
Anna takes the album and heads through the screen door.
Did Anna ever tell you I knew Tim
No. She did not.
"Song to the Siren" plays as Anna returns to the table.
We met at a coffee shop in 1971. Hell's
Kitchen. I had no idea who he was. But
he had this big mop of hair and these
eyes that just looked past you and
through you and into you all at the same
time. Complete interest and disinterest.
It was amazing.
Maya pulls out a cigarette and lights it.
Of course, I was with Anna's father at
the time, so, you know...another
Mom, please -
It's the truth. I knew them all. Robert
Plant, Harry Nilsson, Graham Parsons...
Have you seen the pictures of me from
when I was Anna's age?
Umm - I don't think so -
Sweetie go get that picture - you know
the one -
Anna just looks at her - pleadingly.
Go. Your mother's asking you to do
something for her on her birthday.
Anna goes inside. Maya looks to Conor, takes a sip.
You'll see - we look strikingly similar.
My lips may be a bit fuller, but...
She leans back, puts out her cigarette as Anna returns
with A PICTURE. She hands it to Conor.
INSERT: MAYA, in her early twenties. Black and white -
somewhere in New York. The resemblance to Anna is scary.
Wow. That's - unbelievable.
So that's what we're dealing with here,
for reference. Imagine meeting someone
who looks like that in a coffee shop.
Conor looks down at the picture, then back up to Anna.
That's funny, because, I mean, I guess I
kinda did. Anna and I met at a
restaurant. That serves coffee. So, not
a coffee shop, but...still -
He looks from Maya to Anna. Maya stands up.
That's sweet. But if we're comparing
(indicating with her glass)
She's no me - and you're no Tim Buckley.
With that, Maya heads inside.
Anyone need a refill?
Anna looks to Conor apologetically. He just smiles.
EXT. ANNA'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Anna and Conor walk to the front door of her apartment.
Thanks again for coming with me. You
make it so much easier.
Are you kidding? I like your mom. She's
Yeah, well - cool's not always what
you're looking for in a mom.
Conor smiles, understanding.
So, you want another -- foot rub?
He's trying. But it's awkward.
Ugh. I'm just beat. I wanna put on
sweats and get in bed.
I'd be into that.
Anna gives him a smile, opens her front door.
I'll call you tomorrow, OK?
She gives him a KISS, and goes inside.
FADE TO CHAPTER CARD:...IF HE/SHE'S NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU
TRENT, early 30s, talks to the camera as he drives his
Ford Explorer. He's cute - but trying a smidge too hard -
- goatee, leather cord necklace he bought in Cancun, etc.
If a girl is into you, she's sleeping
with you. And if after a month - two
months at the very outside - she's not
sleeping with you, she does not like you.
I guess the trick is, how to spot this
girl early - so you don't waste the one
to seven weeks waiting to find out that
it's never gonna happen. So, I've got
some signs about how to spot this girl -
gleaned from my own experience, of
course. A girl will never sleep with you
if: she calls you cuddly or dependable,
she pops a zit in front of you, her name
is Amber or Christine, she takes a dump
in your bathroom or she takes home
leftovers in dates 1-3. I know it's not
scientific - but I'm just saying - you
INT. NATIONAL BREWERY LOFTS - NIGHT
Alex knocks and opens the door in one motion.
Hey dude - you here?
Alex heads to the fridge, opens it and looks in.
He pulls TWO BEERS out, shuts the fridge and turns to
find Conor standing there. He's wearing a REALLY TIGHT,
SHINY SHIRT and EVEN TIGHTER, VERY BLUE JEANS.
Or an apple martini?
Conor grabs the beer and opens it.
Need I ask?
It's for work. I'm trying to expand my
By pretending you're gay?
No. By being more gay friendly.
Or, in real estate terms, by becoming
Nice. I may have to use that.
Conor heads back toward his room.
I'm gonna try something else. This may be
I don't know. You dress like that - and
you're already seeing a girl who won't
sleep with you - I think maybe you can
pull it off.
It's not that she won't sleep with me
douchebag...I have slept with her. It's
just, you know, she...um...
Won't sleep with you anymore.
Conor reappears, now wearing A FRENCH CONNECTION TYPE
TIGHT T-SHIRT AND BLACK JEANS.
Pretty much, yeah.
(re: his new outfit)
So, what do you think?
Alex gives him the once over.
I think you're gonna have to beat 'em
away with a stick - you hot, sexy man.
Conor rolls his eyes and heads back into his room. Alex
laughs to himself and takes another sip of beer.
INT. FELL'S POINT CONDO - NIGHT
Leather couch, framed Orioles jersey - typical bachelor
pad. Gigi is making out with GREGORY, 30s.
Who would have thought that a random girl
from Pilates would fix me up with such a
Back at you sister.
Gigi beams. They make out some more.
I can't wait to kiss you again.
Umm. We're kissing right now.
I know. But next time. The second date
kiss is way more intimate.
As they start kissing again -
Well, I'm going out of town tomorrow - so
I'll be out of touch for a bit.
Gregory starts pulling off Gigi's top. Gigi pulls away
Would you excuse me a quick second? Too
many diet cokes...
Gigi makes a beeline down the hall.
INT. FELLS POINT CONDO - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Gigi dials her CELL as she goes through Gregory's
INTERCUT WITH: INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Alex is also mid-makeout on his leather couch with a HOT
WOMAN. The PHONE RINGS. Alex grabs it.
Hey, sorry to bug you again. Quick
(to his hot lady)
Would you excuse me a second, babe?
Alex walks into the hallway.
I'm making out with a guy - PG stuff -
and then he mentions he's going out of
town, so he's gonna be out of touch.
But maybe he is going out of town.
To where? The Arab Emirates? Where is
he going that he has to be out of touch?
Gigi opens the bathroom door and SHOUTS down the hall.
Where are you going out of town to again?
So, now what? I'm just supposed to run
from every guy who doesn't like me?
Uhh - yeah.
There's not going to be anyone left.
OK, I don't know why I'm saying this -
but I actually think I know a nice guy
who you might like.
Yeah. He's a friend of my brother's.
Bill. We'll all meet for a drink - it'll
So, I'm in his bathroom right now. What
do I now?
You gotta come out eventually. But I'd
really take my time. Let him sweat.
He hangs up. Gigi finds some Crest Whitestrips and -
with determination - decides to APPLY THEM.
INT. GYM - EVENING
Anna's rolling up mats, etc. as a sweaty Ben approaches.
So, we ran into each other.
You came to my class.
I didn't know it was your class.
You called and asked me.
But you didn't call me back.
Because you said not to call back if it
was my class. Which it was.
We ran into each other.
Totally. A couple of innocent folks - by
happenstance - doing their daily workout
near one another.
Exactly. Thank you.
As Anna picks up her bag and walks past him -
Ben watches her go, not sure she's serious.
INT. GYM POOL - NIGHT
Big indoor pool. Clearly closed, lights off. Anna opens
the door with a KEY, Ben follows.
I was just thinking - why can't we be
friends? Am I not allowed to make
friends anymore? Am I not allowed to be
friends with hot people? What kind of
reverse prejudice is that?
I hear you. Am I supposed to not be
friends with a guy just because he's
married, and happens to have this insane
smile and this ass that makes me want to
I think I just fell in love. A girl who
talks about a dry hump.
Classy is lame.
Anna sits at the edge of the pool.
So, friends, right?
And with that, Anna pulls off her top. And then her
sweats. And, totally naked, slides into the pool.
You wanna come in?
I'm sorry. I don't trust myself.
OK. You can just watch.
You may be the best friend I've ever had.
Anna LAUGHS, and then dunks her head under the water.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Ben comes in the front door, drops his gym bag. Janine
sits on the couch flipping through a magazine. He leans
in to kiss her on the cheek. She does not look happy.
Honey - you smell different.
Ben pulls back smoothly.
I don't know.
Well that's an odd thing to say.
She looks at him. He tries to coolly meet her gaze.
Maybe it's the ashtray and cigarettes I
found. In the side yard. What part of
"my dad died of lung cancer" is hard for
you to wrap your brain around?
Do not lie to me, Ben. Please.
Are you serious? We have like eight
thousand undocumented workers in this
house daily. You find cigarettes, and
you automatically assume they're mine?
Honey, I'm not lying. And you are really
freaking out. I think the renovation is
getting to you because nothing is going
on. Just please - relax.
Ben walks away. Off Janine, wanting to believe him.
EXT. BALTIMORE YACHT CLUB - DOCK - DAY
Ben walks to a boat at the end of the dock. He stands,
unsure, before deciding to KNOCK on the side of the boat.
NEIL emerges - unshaven, possibly unshowered.
Ah. My first visitor.
This boat is sick. How come you never
invited me out before?
Well, this was supposed to be just for
Beth and I - for our retirement. Leave
our jobs. Sell the house. Take off.
Neil is clearly having a tough time. Ben doesn't know
what to say. They're silent for a second.
Sorry. Where are my manners? Permission
to board granted. I'll show you around.
Ben smiles, steps on to the boat.
EXT. INNER HARBOR - DAY
CLOSE ON: A cigarette being lit. WIDEN to reveal Neil
smoking on the upper deck of his boat, steering it out
into the bay. Ben stands across from him, looking on.
Neil switches to his left hand, away from Ben.
So Janine sent you to check on me?
Yeah. Pretty much.
Any message from Beth?
Ben shakes his head no. Neil seems disappointed.
I think she's been busy getting ready for
her sister's funeral though, so...
Her sister's what?
Wedding. Her sister's wedding. What did
Neil is now LAUGHING HARD.
You said funeral.
No, I didn't. Shit, did I?
Neil LAUGHS HARDER. Even Ben sees the humor.
The marriage thing is weird, man. I
never thought Beth would give me an
Really? Why not? That's what women do.
Right. I forgot. That's how Janine got
you to bite the bullet.
Neil looks at Ben, curious.
Do you regret it?
So you're happy? You'd say you're
Ben looks at Neil as if he's crazy.
I love Janine.
Neil takes a drag and looks out over the harbor.
INT. BO BROOKS CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT
We PAN down one of the long tables to find Beth, SMACKING
a crab with a mallet. HARD. AND LOUD. The others at
the table turn to look at her, annoyed. And that's when
we see - there seems to be a party and SPEECH underway.
Now, I know when my cousin Paige says
those vows tomorrow, there are going to
be hearts breaking all over the world.
Beth's sister, Paige, smiles.
So, keep in mind, her sister Beth is
still on the market.
The cousin WINKS at Beth. Beth goes white.
Sure, she's an older model, but she's
still got a lot of miles left in her.
But don't stay on the lot too long,
Bethie, or next year's models will --
KEN MURPHY, 60s, nearly tramples guests to grab the mic.
OK - that's enough of the speeches. Time
to eat. So enjoy the crab. And the
yellow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the
Mixed reaction from the crowd as Ken puts the mic down.
He starts to return to his table - when he sees Beth
trying to make a sneaky exit. He catches up to her.
Bethie, your cousin Jay has always been a
I know. And even he's married.
So, you'll get married a little bit later
than some people. Big deal. You never
did anything the way every one else did
it, and that's what I've always thought
was so great about you.
I'm your oldest daughter, and I'm the
only one not married. If this was
Fiddler on the Roof you'd have to
sacrifice me or something.
Ken laughs and puts his arm around Beth.
Honey, look. When everyone else was just
going to camp at the Y, you borrowed my
New York Times, found some arts camp in
the Berkshires, wrote away for
information, then got accepted on your
own. You were nine. You never did
things the way everyone else did.
Because that's you. That's why you're my
Beth's eyes go WIDE.
I don't think you're supposed to say
Well, I don't give a shit. I'm retired,
and I'll say what I want. I'll say it
into the mic if you want --
It's true, though.
INT. FRAZIER'S ON THE AVENUE - NIGHT
Gigi sits sipping a drink, alone, when Alex comes in the
door and goes directly to her table.
Sorry I'm late.
That's OK. I like a little time before a
blind date - prepare myself mentally,
remind myself not to tell the story about
my molars --
He's not coming.
Alex motions to the WAITRESS to bring them another round.
Can't wait to hear that story about the
How can he already not like me?
I screwed up. I told Bill it was
Thursday, but I meant Tuesday.
Gigi is disappointed. The waitress drops off their
drinks. They toast - then observe the SCENE AT THE BAR.
Awesome. I'm stuck here with a guy who
can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday -
and meanwhile this girl -
(motions to GIRL at the bar)
- she's probably meeting her soul mate
as we speak.
The GIRL is standing between TWO GUYS.
How do you know?
See the guy trying to work the Tom Cruise
thing. She's interested. He's not.
You cannot tell from a cursory glance
that he's not interested.
Actually, I can. I manage a restaurant.
I see this stuff go down every night.
As if on cue, Tom Cruise Guy BANGS his elbow into the
GIRL, hard, causing her to spill her drink. Tom Cruise
Guy sees, but doesn't acknowledge. Alex looks smug.
Man, you have a gift.
And check out droopy dawg on her other
side. He can buy her drinks all night,
and she'll insist there's no "spark."
Maybe there isn't. You need a spark.
The "spark" thing is bullshit.
Really? Enlighten me.
Guys invented the "spark" so they could
not call and treat you kind of bad and
keep you guessing, and then convince you
that the anxiety and fear that it creates
in you is actually a "spark." And you
all buy it. You love it. You all thrive
on it because you all love drama.
Really? So you don't wait until the last
minute on deadlines, or on phone bills,
because you love the drama of not knowing
whether you'll make it?
And let me guess - when you were stalking
Conor that night - were you obsessing
about him calling for days, even though
the date was just kind of mediocre?
See, you thrive on drama. You gotta be
more like me - if a girl likes me great,
if not, there are plenty more like her -
probably with smaller pores and bigger
They continue drinking and observing the scene.
Why are you sharing all this inside
dating information with me again?
I dunno. I like you.
Don't start doodling my name on your
binder. I just mean, I like you, like I
like basset hounds. They're kinda
pathetic - so you want to cheer them up.
Again with the sensitivity.
Alex smiles at her. Gigi can't help but smile back.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - MORNING
Janine walks down the hallway, with JAVIER (40, stocky),
her contractor. She's inspecting the crown molding.
It looks good.
He does good work.
He's very good.
Janine stops and looks at Javier. He looks back at her.
Javier, if I asked you an honest
question, do you think you could give me
an honest answer?
I think so.
Good. Because I think some of your guys
have been - smoking.
Janine looks at Javier. It's awkwardly silent.
Is that the question?
Oh. It seemed like a statement.
The question part was implied -
I didn't really hear it in the inflection-
Javier - have your guys been smoking or
No, ma'am. My guys don't smoke on the
job site. They're all good guys.
Are you sure your guys aren't sneaking
around here? And smoking? And lying to
me? And -- smoking?
She's starting to freak Javier out.
I'm pretty sure.
I need you to be honest with me, Javier.
Because I can't have someone lying to me.
To my face. Under my roof. On my time.
That's a lot of prepositions...
Janine does not hear him, and barrels on -
I mean, there is no reason for that kind
of dishonesty, is there? IS THERE? I
mean, we made promises to one another --
Javier looks at her - what the hell is she talking about?
What I mean is, we had a contract. Which
is like making promises to each other,
Maybe I should just get back to work.
Yes. Fine. Good idea.
Javier starts to leave.
But, we're good here, right? Me and you?
Blank stare from Javier. Janine slaps on a smile.
Okay, great. The molding really does
Javier gives a forced smile, and heads back to work.
INT. MT. VERNON ROW HOUSE - DAY
TWO WELL BUILT MEN (SKIP and LARRY) sip from bottles of
Volvic water as they wander through a kitchen, inspecting
the cabinetry. Conor comes into to frame, wearing a
toned down version of his "gay friendly" clothes.
Hello, my name is Conor. Please sign in
whenever you get a chance.
He gestures to a guest book on the kitchen island - next
to which Anna stands. Conor joins her.
This is insane. You're like the Liza
Minelli of real estate.
I know. Your friend Mary's a genius.
The house is TEEMING WITH GAY COUPLES - opening closets,
admiring floors, munching on complimentary cookies.
Alright. Gotta run.
You got a class?
Uh, no. Just some stuff. See you later?
Conor goes in for a HUG, but Anna's not ready for it - so
he just ends up grabbing her. It's awkward. She leaves,
Conor tries to play it off, looks around the room.
Skip and Larry look at him sympathetically.
She's holding out on you, isn't she?
I'm not sure I get your meaning.
It's obvious. She won't sleep with you.
It's written all over your puppy dog
Conor looks at them, decides not to fight it.
It's killing me. Literally. I'm dying.
Skip and Larry move closer, Larry grabs a plate.
Here, have a cookie.
I just - I have no idea what she's doing.
I cannot read her signals - at all. We
used to sleep together - all the time.
Well, that's not true, I don't know why I
said that, it wasn't all the time. But
it did happen - I know I'm not making
this up. And then, out of nowhere, it
stops. But she still calls, she stops
by, she sleeps on my couch, she wants a
massage, she leaves cute messages - but
it never goes ANYWHERE. I mean, what is
Honestly - we may not have the best
insight. Gay signals have nothing to do
with straight signals.
He's right. Like - here's "I want to
sleep with you".
He looks at Larry. Larry looks back at him. They don't
break their gaze.
One, two, three - that's it. Three
seconds or more - it's on.
Here's "I don't want to sleep with you."
Skip look at Larry again. Larry meets his gaze.
One, two -
(he looks away)
No. Thanks for playing. Move along.
It's that simple.
You're right. That's no help at all.
But listen - I can tell you this. Gay or
straight, you're not going to get
anywhere by being inactive. She clearly
likes you - maybe she just wants you to
be a man and do something. So the next
time you're in the position - don't take
no for an answer.
Skip looks at Larry, concerned.
That sounds like felonious advice.
You're right. Let me rephrase. Don't
take maybe for an answer.
Conor takes this in - that's not a bad idea.
INT. ANNA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Cute studio apartment. And Ben is in the bed. Anna
walks in from the bathroom, in a robe. Ben watches her.
Shit. This is bad.
I am so into you.
Anna BEAMS. She joins him in bed.
I'm lying here watching you and I
seriously have never felt this way
before. I have to forcibly make my brain
stop thinking about you. I mean, all the
She looks at Ben. He's not smiling.
Because I don't do stuff like this.
Stuff like what?
Like having sex with women who are not my
First of all, I'm not women. I'm just
What's second of all?
I didn't have a second of all.
I thought second of all was going to make
me feel better.
Second of all - I can't stop thinking
about you, either.
They look at each other for a LONG MOMENT.
I have to tell her.
I have to tell her.
Anna's eyes light up, but she tries to cover.
I don't want to push you to --
I want to be with you. And I can't do
that if I'm lying to her.
You know what's best.
As Ben pulls her to him, she lets a smile take hold.
FADE TO CHAPTER CARD: ...IF HE'S MARRIED
LOUIS, 60's, with a kind but very wise face, talks to the
camera in his FORMAL DOORMAN attire, standing in front of
a posh Upper East Side building.
Here's the thing - my daughter is happily
married with kids and running a tanning
salon on Staten Island. But if she
wasn't, I'd tell her the same thing I'd
like to tell a lot of the girls that come
in and out of this building on the arm of
a married guy.
And here is that advice --- get stocks,
cash, annuities, a deed in your name.
Don't settle for flowers and a shopping
spree at Bendel's. Think to the future.
We all know that none of these guys is
gonna leave his society wife and let her
keep half the money and the classic eight
on Park Avenue. So, I wanna tell these
young ladies, as long as you only have
the guy for a finite period of time --
get something that can last. Because I
guarantee you - he won't. And that's the
best fatherly advice I can give.
INT. RITE AID - DAY
Mary and Anna, in sweats and Ugg boots and dirty hair,
both load their carts with cheap beauty products.
I'm not picking out china patterns or
anything - but I've never felt anything
like this before.
This is crazy. I can't believe he's
gonna leave his wife for you.
No, he's not leaving his wife for me.
He's just - he's a good guy. And he
can't really explore what we could be if
he's lying to her.
Mary looks at her.
He's kind of leaving his wife for me. Is
this crazy? This is totally crazy. We
barely know each other.
I don't know. Remember Becca, my
sister's friend. Some guy waits on her
at Bennigan's - by the end of the night
they both knew they had found the one.
You're totally right. It can happen.
Not for me.
Well, what about texter?
Texter has yet to make any verbal
contact. I mean, this guy could have had
surgery that left him without a voice
box, breathing through a stoma, and I'd
never know because I never actually hear
I doubt he has a stoma -
That's not the point. The point is - I
can't text. I'm not charming via text.
My sarcasm doesn't come through, I can't
type fast enough on the little phone
So don't text.
It's not just texting. It's email and
voicemail and snail mail -
That's just mail -
Whatever. None of it's working. I've
had a guy leave a voicemail for me at
work, and then I call him back at home,
and he emails me to my Blackberry, and
then I text him to his cell and then he
emails me to my home account from the
plane phone -- and it just totally gets
out of hand. I miss the days where you
had one phone number with one answering
machine that housed one cassette tape and
either the cassette tape had a message
from the guy or it didn't. That's it.
Now you have to go around checking all
your portals and get rejected by seven
different technologies. It's exhausting.
Anna, who is trying a different shade of nail polish on
each finger, calmly looks up at Mary.
So what about the singer guy?
Jude. Yeah, I like him.
Totally. I felt like we connected.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Gigi sits on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, eating
graham crackers and watching SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL on
TV. The phone RINGS.
INTERCUT WITH: INT. RED MAPLE - OFFICE - NIGHT
Even in the office we can hear the din of the bar scene.
Oh, hey. You're home.
Where am I supposed to be?
Out. It's Saturday night.
You won't let me go out with guys who
don't like me. It's kind of limiting.
I was just calling to let you know - I'm
having a party at my place next weekend.
You should come.
Gigi considers this.
I don't know. Won't Conor be there?
Might be kinda awkward.
He's in DC for the weekend at some real
estate conference. But there's gonna be
a bunch of single guys.
So I will have plenty of chances to be
awkward. Thank god.
Don't worry. I'll be there. I'll talk
you through it.
So, the party - is it like a big party,
more of a mellow hang or --
A CRASH outside Alex's office.
Yeah, OK. Gotta go - I think someone
just dropped 84 wine glasses.
Gigi hangs up, and goes back to watching her movie.
CLOSE ON: The TV screen as Mary Stuart Masterson (as
WATTS) and Eric Stoltz (as KEITH) hang out in a garage.
Amanda Jones is no minor leaguer who'll
be swept off her feet at the touch of
your amateur lips.
I think I can handle it.
It's cool. I was just gonna work on it
with you but - if you're
Wait. How do you work on it?
Pretend I'm a girl, OK? I mean, pretend
Gigi sits up. A light bulb has gone off. As she watches
Keith and Watts kiss on screen, a smile crosses her face.
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Gigi blows in, dumps her things and turns to Janine:
He's into me.
Awesome. I knew it.
(she hugs Gigi)
Who's this now?
Alex. It's totally clear to me now.
From Some Kind of Wonderful.
Wait, isn't Mary Stuart Masterson Watts?
So, why aren't you Watts?
I'm Eric Stoltz.
Alex is Watts because Watts helps Eric
Stoltz go on a date with Amanda Jones,
but really she's in love with Eric Stoltz
Wait - so who's Amanda Jones?
I guess Conor at first. Now men in
general. But that's not the point. The
point is -- he's into me.
You know, I knew there had to be a reason
he was spending all that time with you.
I know! It's so obvious now -- there are
so many signs.
Oooh, gimme the signs. I love to hear
about the signs.
Janine rolls her chair closer to Gigi's desk.
At first they were small - like when I
first called he said "Good to hear from
Totally good sign.
Right? And then the next time I called
he was with a woman - but he still took
the call. And talked to me for a while.
You know it was a woman?
He called her "babe."
A guy does not leave a woman - to talk to
another woman - unless there's something
I know! And it gets more obvious. I
mean, please - there was no guy he was
going to fix me up with. The fix up was
Wait - really?
He shows up - without this fictitious
Bill character - and the two of us
basically have a date. And then he calls
me to invite me to a party at his place.
You're right. He so likes you.
Janine rolls her chair up to Gigi's computer screen.
Let's look up places for your destination
wedding. Would you guys wanna do Napa
Valley - I've always wanted to go there.
Gigi laughs but doesn't fight as Janine starts searching.
INT. BALTIMORE BLADE OFFICES - DAY
Mary sits at her desk, surrounded by her gays. They are
all looking at her computer screen.
CLOSE ON: A MYSPACE PAGE. NAME:"YOUR SOUL-UTION"
SEX: MALE AGE: 29 FROM: FUNKYTOWN FRIENDS : 1282
There's no way he's already called - we
only met for coffee last night. I mean
we video iChatted. While holding coffee.
Kinda like having coffee.
Nathan hands her the phone.
Just call your voice mail.
And he told me he had a gig last night,
so he probably got in real late. Did I
tell you he was singer?
Mary cradles the receiver with her shoulder and dials.
Mary hits the SPEAKERPHONE button.
YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)
(SINGING, in a sexy voice)
Maaaary. Mary, Mary, Mary, Maaaary. Oh
Mary is clearly charmed. The gays all SWOON.
I just got hard.
The other guys shush him.
YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)
Hey Mary, it's Jude. Just wanted to tell
you again how special it was to meet you.
So, call me back. Bye.
BEEP. Mary BEAMS.
Amazing. He'll sing to your babies.
Mary basks in the attention. Then, ANOTHER BEEP.
YOUR SOUL-UTION (O.S.)
(SINGING, from speakerphone)
Jeeeeny. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jeeeeny.
All heads whip around at stare at the SPEAKER PHONE.
YOUR SOUL-UTION (CONT'D)
Hey Jenny, it's Jude. Just wanted to --
oh shit, - what number did I call?
SOME RUSTLING NOISES, and a HANG UP, followed by a dial
tone. Mary stares at the phone - then pushes a BUTTON.
ALL MESSAGES DELETED.
They all head wordlessly back to work.
INT. HOME DEPOT - DAY
CLOSE ON: TWO SEEMINGLY IDENTICAL PLANKS OF WOOD. We
pull back to reveal Ben and Janine, in the wide aisle of
Home Depot, as Janine really studies the two pieces of
wood. Finally, she POINTS to one of them.
No. That's the laminate.
That one isn't real hardwood floor?
No. But it looks exactly the same - at
like one one hundredth of the cost.
Janine considers this.
I still wanna go with the real wood.
But you can't even tell the difference.
That's not the point.
Then what's the point?
I just don't like the way it's pretending
to be wood. If you're not wood, then
don't try to look like wood.
I don't think it's pretending --
Ben is making light. But Janine is all business.
It's a lie. Just be up front - tell
people what you really are.
Ben takes this in. His cheeks start to burn.
You're right. I'm sorry. You're totally
It's OK. Maybe we should look at the
grills and come back.
As she starts to steer their giant cart away, Ben just
stands there, fused to the ground. Finally:
I slept with someone.
Janine stops, doesn't say anything.
I heard you.
She doesn't turn to face him. Total silence.
You tell me this in Home Depot because
you know how I hate a public scene.
That is not why I -
I knew it. I KNEW IT. You asshole.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
And it's you that's been smoking, too,
What? Why does that matter?
Janine turns to Ben. She is IRATE.
HAVE - YOU - BEEN - SMOKING?
No. No. I haven't.
Janine just STARES AT HIM, FUMING.
Look, I talked to Neil, and he said I
could stay on his boat for a while if --
Now Janine's eyes go wide with disbelief.
EXCUSE ME? And now you want to move out?
You're like - what - leaving me?
Ben looks confused, but is trying to roll with it.
No. NO. I just assumed that you
wouldn't want me to --
We're not going to deal with this? We're
not going to figure out a way to work
I just assumed that once I told you, you
would want me -- out.
Is that what you want?
(almost a whisper)
She heads down the aisle with the cart. Ben follows,
confused - that didn't go how he thought it would.
EXT. GRAMERCY MANSION - DAY
The lush grounds surrounding a beautiful turn-of-the-
century mansion. The procession of a wedding has just
begun. TWO ADORABLE FLOWER GIRLS start things off.
Then Beth's sister, Laura, processes down the aisle with
her husband, STEVEN. Beth's sister Catherine and her
husband GEORGE are next. Big smiles all around.
Then Beth appears at the end of the aisle with her escort
- BUDDY, a 12 year old CHOCOLATE LAB, wearing a coral bow
tie. Beth forces a smile as she processes with Buddy -
who stops to piss on a chair leg. Beth is not happy.
INT. GRAMERCY MANSION - DAY
A lavish reception. Beth takes her seat next to DAN,
40s. Dan looks over at Beth's place card.
You must be Beth.
I've heard a lot about you from Paige.
I'd been lobbying for weeks to be seated
next to her single sister.
Oh, yeah? So you are -
(looks at his placecard)
Uh, sort of.
Well, I'm actually a wiccan. So I have a
It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse. But I
didn't know if that would fit on a card.
Beth slaps on a fake smile, and grabs for the wine.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
A PARTY is in full swing. Typical affair for someone in
their late 20's - mediocre food but decent alcohol.
Gigi stands, somewhat uncomfortably, near the Chex Mix.
She tries smiling at a TALL GIRL, who ignores her. So
Gigi continues absently and compulsively shoving handfuls
of Chex Mix into her mouth.
It makes your breath stink.
Gigi looks up to see Nathan and Bruce - Mary's gay
coworkers who are now decked out in full-on Saturday
night gay mode - standing next to her.
Chex Mix. I learned the hard way. I
made out with a guy after eating like a
bag of the stuff. He said my breath
smelled like trout.
Gigi puts her handful of Chex Mix back.
Thanks for the tip.
I'm sorry. That was rude. And that guy
I made out with was a total asshole.
You want me to smell you? I'm sure you
don't smell like trout.
Thanks. I'm good.
She cups her hand and surreptitiously checks her breath.
I'm Nathan. This is Bruce.
Gigi. How do you guys know Alex?
We don't. Our friend Mary heard about it
from some guy named Conor.
Gigi smiles in recognition.
How do you know Alex?
I hope - I mean I'm pretty sure -
something is about to happen between us.
So, you're here as like a guest, or like
I hate that - when you don't know if
you're a date - so you don't know if you
should bring a friend, or if you're like
co-hosting or if you should stay til the
end to have alone time --
Suddenly, a look of DOUBT sweeps across Gigi's face.
He didn't really say.
She reflexively GRABS FOR THE CHEX MIX and starts gorging
on it again. Nathan stops her.
But I'm sure I'm more than just a guest.
I mean - there have been signs.
I did get a slight waft of trout, though.
Take a mint.
He reaches in his pocket. Gigi looks at him gratefully.
INT. GRAMERCY MANSION - NIGHT
Dinner is over. The dance floor is crowded. The bride,
Paige, is out there. Beth's dad is dancing with her mom.
Beth's dad gives Beth a wink as she heads onto to the
dance floor with DOMINIC, 50s and fat.
So, where's Neil?
We actually broke up.
No way. You guys were together for like
Seven. But yes, a long time.
They continue to dance.
Too bad cousins can't marry, huh? Cuz
then we could maybe --
Eeew Dominic, gross.
Beth swats Dominic on the arm, and he laughs. And then
they are distracted by a COMMOTION ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Everyone has stopped dancing. They are looking to the
floor, near the band. Beth pushes her way through to see-
HER DAD. HE HAS FALLEN TO HIS KNEES. HE'S CLUTCHING HIS
CHEST. AND HIS FACE IS TURNING AN ASHY, TERRIFYING GRAY.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The place is packed. Gigi is smashed into a hallway,
trying to look relaxed. Alex comes up behind her.
I had no idea it would be such a
Gigi turns to him and smiles.
Hey. Great party.
Are any guys hitting on you? Do you need
me to evaluate their level of interest?
They were gay. Even I know that their
level of interest was probably low.
Well - too bad Bill couldn't make it. I
still think you guys would hit it off.
Gigi smiles knowingly - on to Alex's scam.
Oh OK. Right.
Alex doesn't know how to take that.
Anyway - I'm on my way to put out some
more liquor. But it looks like the food
could use some refreshing --
He looks at the FOOD TABLE. Everything is empty.
Would you mind helping? I mean, just
refill the chips and stuff?
You mean, kind of like --- co-hosting?
Gigi LOOKS ELATED. Alex looks CONFUSED.
Uhh, OK. The chips are on top of the
He walks away. Gigi smiles BIG.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - A LITTLE LATER
The party is now even more crowded. Gigi weaves her way
through the crowd. She's deftly holding SIX DRINKS,
passing them off to various people as she walks.
She stops at the food table, rearranges a few bowls.
She CATCHES ALEX'S EYE across the room, he's talking to
friends. She smiles and gives a THUMBS UP. He gives an
awkward thumbs up back and returns to his conversation.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER
Gigi is in the kitchen, mixing up some DIP. She chats
with a couple of PARTY-GOERS, very much at home.
Really great party.
Thanks. When Alex said he wanted to have
a party, I was like "Let's do it."
Thanks so much for having us.
No problem. Anytime.
An attractive TALL GIRL enters the kitchen, and starts
LOOKING IN THE CUPBOARDS. Gigi watches with interest.
Can I help you find something?
The Tall Girl finds a BOWL in the cabinet, and grabs it.
No, that's OK. I got it.
She brings the bowl over to the counter, and starts
emptying Gigi's dip into the bowl. Gigi is THROWN.
TALL GIRL (CONT'D)
Thanks for mixing that up.
Alex asked me to get the dip together.
Thanks for getting it started.
Gigi's face grows red. The Tall Girl tastes the dip.
TALL GIRL (CONT'D)
Hmmm - could use a little more dill.
Then the Tall Girl deftly grabs the dip, and chips, and
heads back out to the party. Gigi looks to the confused
party-goers, not pleased.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - LATER
Bruce and Nathan wave to Gigi as they leave. People are
getting coats - the crowd is definitely thinning.
Gigi spots Alex in the kitchen and makes a beeline.
When someone's underwear ends up in your
toaster oven - it's been a good party.
Alex looks at the toaster oven and laughs.
I guess people had fun.
Then, the TALL GIRL emerges.
Alex, you want me to start cleaning up?
Gigi STARES DAGGERS AT HER.
That's sweet of you. But I thought I'd
stick around, so I'll take care of it.
No. I got it.
The tall girl shoots Gigi a dirty look as she grabs a
trash bag. Gigi grabs one, too. Alex looks mystified.
Knock yourselves out.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - STILL LATER
It is really late. Everyone's gone - except the TALL
GIRL and ALEX, who sit on the couch playing a NBA LIVE on
the XBOX. Gigi enters from the kitchen.
I think I've rounded up the last of the
The tall girl and Alex do not look up from the game.
Gigi stands there awkwardly.
So, umm - what game is this?
They ignore her. She looks around. It's awkward.
Well, maybe I should just -- you know --
I mean it's past three and --
YES!! Suck it!
Alex tosses down his controller.
You are sensational.
The tall girl beams. Gigi flinches.
Did you say it's past three? Man, I
Gigi suppresses a SMILE. The Tall Girl gives Alex a hug,
and heads out. Gigi, finally alone with Alex, sits next
to him on the couch. They're silent for a moment.
Thanks for staying and helping clean up
- but I really gotta get to bed.
Is that an invitation?
I'm sorry. That was cheesy. I'm not
good at this.
But then -- before Alex knows what's happening, Gigi is
LUNGING at him. She puts his face in her hands, and
starts to KISS HIM. REALLY KISS HIM. Finally, Gigi
pulls away. She looks breathless.
Alex looks a little afraid.
I knew it. I knew it. The best
relationships grow out of friendships.
She goes in to kiss him again. This time he stops her.
Wait - what?
Now you and I are in a relationship?
Well, I'd say if we're not at
relationship station--ship, we're at
least on the track.
Alex gets up off the couch.
And why would you think that, exactly?
Because there were - you know - signs.
Really? Like what?
Ummm - it was good to hear from me. You
talked to me even when you were with a
girl. I felt something...
She trails off. Alex is not pleased.
What are you talking about? What have I
been saying since I met you? If a guy
wants to date you HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.
HE WILL ASK YOU OUT. DID I ASK YOU OUT?
Why would you do this?
I thought you were Watts.
Alex doesn't even hear her.
Why do women do this? Why do they build
this stuff up in their minds, take each
little thing a guy does and twist it into
something else --
Gigi stands there, embarrassed, taking Alex's berating.
I'd rather be like that - than like you.
Maybe I dissect each little thing, and
put myself out there too much, and maybe
I even thrive on the drama of it all--
but at least that means I still care.
You think you've won because women are
expendable to you? Sure, you don't get
hurt or make an ass of yourself that way,
but you don't fall in love that way,
either. You haven't won, Alex. You're
Gigi grabs her bag.
I may do a lot of stupid shit - but I
know I'm a lot closer to finding someone
than you are.
Gigi turns and heads out the door.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Gigi looks at the phone, and then finally DIALS.
Hey Janine, I'm sorry it's so late, but I
just - don't start picking out your
bridesmaid dress, OK? I know this isn't
the first time this has happened, it's
just - this one wasn't about whether he
liked me. I just really liked him.
Gigi hangs up, lays on the bed, snaps off the light.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - DAY
Ken Murphy, Beth's dad, lies in bed, in a Notre Dame
sweatshirt, with papers, and books surrounding him. Beth
clears his breakfast dishes off of the bed.
You want anything else?
Yeah. Less of that cardboardy brown
stuff. More regular people food.
The cardboardy brown stuff is called
whole grain bread.
Maybe you could just fry me up a couple
People who have just had heart attacks
generally are not advised to eat animal
fat, stuffed in synthetic casings.
Ken looks at her, with a wry smile.
Did I tell you that you're not only my
favorite daughter, but you're also the
prettiest? So much better looking than
those other dogs. Seriously.
It's not gonna work this time. But I
appreciate the effort.
Beth takes his dirty dishes and heads for the door.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - DEN - SAME
Beth hauls the dishes downstairs and through the den
where Steven, Laura's husband, is on the couch, intently
watching the golf channel.
Hey, Beth. Grab me a beer if you're
going that way?
Beth rolls her eyes.
And a little plate of cold cuts if there
are any left?
Beth just keeps on walking.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
Beth walks by Paige, on the couch, and DEVON, Paige's new
husband, on the floor, surrounded by a mess of VINYL
RECORDS. He has an old BOBBY DARIN tune BLARING.
You might wanna kill the volume just a
smidge. My mom is finally taking a nap.
You think your dad really wants to hang
on to all this vinyl? My collection
could use a bunch of these.
Turn it the fuck down.
Both Devon and Paige look at her, stunned.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - KITCHEN - SAME
The kitchen is a total MESS. Beth sets the dishes down
in a precarious pile of other dishes, and sees her
sisters Laura and Catherine at the kitchen table.
I finally got mom to lay down in the
spare room. All we have left to eat is
some old jelly and ramen noodles, so
after I tackle some of these dishes,
maybe we can go to the store. Our new
brother is trying to co-opt dad's
property before he's even dead.
And Laura, your husband would really like
a beer to go with his fifth consecutive
hour of the golf channel.
Beth looks up. Laura is pointing to Catherine, who has
her head in her hands. She's CRYING SOFTLY.
It's OK. It's all gonna be OK.
What am I gonna do without dad?
First of all, he's upstairs watching
'Oprah After The Show'.
And second of all - you have us.
But he's always been - the one who's
there for me.
What about your husband? Where the hell
Playing ultimate frisbee. His team may
make the quarterfinals.
Beth rolls her eyes. The DISHES crash in the sink.
INT. MCCORMICK SPICES CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Janine sits at Beth's desk, across from Gigi, who stares
at her in disbelief. Janine fiddles with a TILE SAMPLE.
Do you know who it is?
(shaking her head "no")
It doesn't matter.
So are you going to - leave - him?
Gigi, he's my husband. He's not just
some guy that didn't call me back. And
he did admit it to me. He didn't wait to
get caught. That takes courage.
Gigi is clearly STUNG.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know
Alex was not just some guy.
It's my fault, you know.
I'm willing to accept my responsibility
in this. I forced him into getting
married. He wasn't ready.
Janine - this is not your fault.
It is. I've - changed. I used to be
fun. I was fun when we met.
You're still fun.
A BEAT. Janine looks at Gigi, the tears come.
We never have sex anymore.
Lots of couples got through lulls.
No. We never have sex. Realistically,
what did I expect him to do?
I don't think that's really --
She looks down at the TILE in her hand.
This is too small. I gotta tell Javier.
This tile. I gotta go. Tell Beth I took
a personal day.
Janine grabs her purse, heads out as Gigi looks on.
FADE TO CARD: ...IF HE'S SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE
MARIEL (50's, highly manicured, upper class type) sits on
a yacht in what looks to be the French Riviera.
My first husband was unimpressive. I
found him in bed with his big breasted
secretary when I came home early from the
Maldives. So unoriginal, it made me feel
sorry for him. My second husband was a
pinch more creative. Cheated on me with
my sister - but made me believe that I
was insane for being suspicious. At last
- some intrigue, some mind games - though
my sister's two year old eventually gave
them up. But my last husband -- he was a
gem. A veritable master at covering his
tracks. I poured over his phone records,
intercepted his credit card bills, had
him followed on countless occasions - and
never found a single shred of evidence.
It wasn't until he died that I found out
about the property he owned with his
Austrian mistress. But the real master,
I have to say -- is me. Three husbands --
countless boyfriends, and I haven't been
INT. LAW OFFICES - HALLWAY - EVENING
Anna SQUEEZES Ben's hand as they stride down the hallway
to his office. Anna is trying to suppress a smile.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
Ben smoothly EXTRICATES his hand from Anna's. He nods to
COWORKERS as they pass.
It was all you, babe.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Ben smiles at Anna, as they round the corner of the
corridor to his office. He goes in, and she follows.
INT. BEN'S OFFICE - EVENING
Ben deftly shuts and locks the door behind them.
OH. MY. GOD.
This is really good news.
I cannot believe this. He liked my demo.
Did you hear what he said? When he said
it was hauntingly beautiful? Did you
hear that part?
Yep. I was sitting right there.
Ben smiles, and pulls Anna to him.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
With that, they start to KISS. It gets heated. CLOTHES
START TO COME OFF. MOSTLY ANNA'S. They make their way
over to the LEATHER SOFA.
How is it that every time I see your
body, I'm shocked at how beautiful it is?
Anna smiles at the compliment. She starts to work on his
shirt when: SOMEONE TRIES TO OPEN THE LOCKED DOOR.
Dana, I need to go over the offering
statement. Can I get a few minutes?
Ben continues to remove his shirt as he talks.
It's not Dana.
BEN FREEZES. Literally freezes on top of Anna.
Ben FRANTICALLY puts his hands over Anna's mouth. Then,
working with speed and precision, he GATHERS ALL OF
ANNA'S THINGS and shoves her - NAKED - into the CLOSET.
There isn't enough room to stand, so she has to sit. She
looks up at Ben, he closes the closet door.
He goes to the door of the office.
Shit. I told Dana to get this lock
fixed. One sec.
Why do you even lock it?
Ben re-buttons his shirt, gives the office a once over.
I'd never get anything done if I didn't.
Finally, Ben opens the door, and Janine is standing
Can I come in?
She makes a show of CLOSING AND LOCKING THE DOOR.
What are you doing?
Ben goes to sit behind his desk, confused.
Janine, clearly a little nervous, goes to straddle Ben at
his desk chair. Her skirt is way too long to do this, so
she has to regroup, and hike up the skirt. Ben glances
over at the closet.
Janine, what are you doing?
I don't know. I just thought - maybe we
could, you know, relight the fire.
Honey, did you hear what I just said? I
gotta get this offering statement out.
Ben picks up some papers, but Janine is not giving up.
Look, I am trying here. Do you want to
save our marriage or don't you?
Janine looks at Ben. Ben is SILENT.
INT. BEN'S OFFICE - CLOSET - SAME
Anna sits, holding back tears, as she listens closely.
Of course I do.
Then you'll let me do this.
Then a ZIPPER OPENING, a chair CREAKING -
JANINE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Yeah, just like that, yeah...
We HOLD ON Anna as she sits there, stonefaced.
INT. RED MAPLE - BAR - EARLY EVENING
Alex has the staff (of about 10) assembled for the pre-
shift meeting. He consults a clipboard as he talks.
OK - Tyrone you bus 4 through 6 - and
pitch in with the servers when you -
No...I'm on 8 thru 10. I'm always on 8
through 10. Been working here 18 months
doing 8 through 10.
Right. Luis you take 4 through 6.
The staff looks at each other - perplexed.
Dude. Luis quit like 10 months ago.
Alex rifles through his papers, not sure what he's
looking for. He slams his clipboard on the bar.
Do we even need to have this meeting?
Seriously? Does this serve any purpose?
The group voice their opinions - a resounding "NO".
Good. Great. Get to work.
The group disperses, Alex heads around the bar. He sees
Kelli Ann walking away and calls after her.
Hey, Kelli Ann - any calls for me?
Since you asked me 11 minutes ago? No,
not a lot of phone traffic.
Kelli Ann starts to turn away as she sees Alex grab his
cell phone, look at it, then put it down. He grabs a
beer, takes a swig - then grabs his cell phone again -
staring at it, willing it to ring. He puts it down
again. A HUGE SMILE grows on Kelli Ann's face.
KELLI ANN (CONT'D)
Oh my god.
It's happened to you.
What has happened to me?
What's her name?
The girl, Alex.
There's no girl.
Alex takes his beer and heads down the bar.
You can't hide it man. I know strung out
and you are strung - out.
This is amazing. Can't focus, right?
Jumping every time your phone rings,
checking your email 100 times a day.
Wishing you could write songs. Feeling
the need to bring up her name in random
Alex stops at the office door.
KELLI ANN (CONT'D)
It's always the same. And it has
happened to you, my friend. Trust me.
Alex looks at Kelli Ann, her words settling in.
Kelli Ann smiles, and as she walks away -
Welcome to my world asshole.
Alex takes this in, KNOWING SHE'S RIGHT.
INT. BEN'S OFFICE - EVENING
Janine, now fully dressed, hovers by the door. Ben is
back at his desk, eyes on his computer.
You sure I can't interest you in a little
beef and broccoli? I'm treating.
I really gotta get this stuff done.
Janine is clearly flailing. She starts to go.
OK. I'll see you at home. I love you.
She looks at Ben. He has no choice.
(covering his anger)
I love you too.
Janine leaves. As soon as she's gone, Ben gets up, shuts
the office door - and goes to the closet - when the door
FLIES OPEN IN HIS FACE - NEARLY SMASHING HIM.
I had no choice. What was I supposed to
do when she -
You make me sick to my stomach. You are
a disgusting excuse for a man -
Anna pulls her clothes back on in a FURY.
I didn't want to do it, Anna. You know
that it's you I want to be with -
He puts out a hand to try to touch her. She RECOILS.
Are you kidding me? You will never lay a
hand on me again. I may just be a piss
poor girl from Dundalk who works at a gym
- but I am so too good for you.
Anna storms out.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Gigi sits on her couch, a pile of BILLS in her lap - most
of which say LATE, OVERDUE, etc. She's on the PHONE.
Dino, thank you again for letting me pay
over the phone. I assure you this late
payment thing will never happen again.
Yep -- just trying to trim some of the
drama out of my life.
A CALL WAITING BEEP.
That's my other line. OK. B-bye.
Gigi CLICKS OVER.
Hi, Gigi. This is Bill.
Alex's friend. We were supposed to meet
up - but Alex told me the wrong day.
Gigi lets this sink in.
Bill. So you do exist.
I do. And I'd love to buy you dinner
sometime if you're game.
Yes. Sure. Why not?
She puts on a smile.
INT. DUNDALK HOUSE - DAY
Anna stands in the cluttered kitchen of her mom's house.
She writes out a CHECK, leaves it on the counter. She
looks to the living room, where Maya sleeps on the couch.
She watches her for a second, struggling with a blanket,
before heading over to her. She crouches next to the
couch, helps her adjust the blanket.
I'm gonna go. I left the check on the
counter. It should at least get you
through this month.
Maya opens her eyes and looks up at her, smiling.
Thanks sweetie. I don't know what I
would do without you.
Maya closes her eyes again. Anna sits there, watching
her. Anna's eyes start to fill with tears - quietly, she
begins crying. Maya finally notices.
Baby - what's the matter?
Maya struggles to sit up and hug her. Anna sits next to
her on the couch, still trying to get it together.
Is it money? Because you can take back
the check if -
No, it's not that. I mean - yes, I'm
broke - but it's not that. It's just -
(tearing up again)
I'm just so lost mom. I've been seeing
this guy - who is exciting and amazing
and thoroughly unavailable. I thought he
was - the one - but he turned out to be
such an asshole.
Maya nods, almost smiling.
And then there's -
Yeah. Who I'm so horrible to. But he
takes it. And he's - there. Waiting.
But I just don't want to - I don't know -
Settle? Like you think I did?
Anna looks at her mother, guilty.
Well, your father and I had a glorious
Are you kidding? All you talk about are
the things you didn't do, the people you
wish you could have been with, the Tim
Buckleys - anything but the life you
Maya looks at her daughter.
Those are just dreams Anna.
Anna tries to process this.
Now true - I did not like your father at
all when we met.
Or after we got married for that matter.
But let me tell you this - life with him
was a hell of a lot better than life is
Maya stands, walks slowly toward the kitchen.
There are worse things in life than
Like wishing you had.
Anna considers this.
INT. ANNA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Anna lays on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
The doorbell RINGS, Anna gets up to answer it. Almost as
soon as she turns the knob, Conor is standing in the
middle of her studio apartment. He is all amped up.
She reaches up to give him a hug, he doesn't go for it.
See, why did you call me sweetie?
Anna looks confused.
Because we always call each other that.
Anna doesn't have an answer for that.
I want to say something, OK? I mean, we
call each other sweetie, and we fall
asleep on the phone after talking for
hours and I washed your hair for you
after you had that shoulder surgery and
everything - it's like we're together.
I know that I -
Let me finish. Maybe it's my fault.
Maybe I haven't been clear about what I
want. So let me be clear. I love
hanging out, but I am so attracted to
you, and I just - I want both. I want to
make love to you. I know that sounds
kind of embarrassing coming out of my
mouth - I just freaked myself out, too -
but it's true. And I'm not sure what
happened, or why we stopped - but I don't
really care. I just --
Conor is STUNNED.
I'm talking about really doing this.
Like a full-on relationship.
Did a bunch of gay people put you up to
Please stop talking.
He does. They KISS.
INT. ANNA'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - LATER
Conor sleeps peacefully with his limbs wrapped around
Anna. Anna lays on her back, eyes wide open, STARING AT
THE CEILING. She's clearly not at peace.
INT. POTOMAC HOUSE - DEN - DAY
All of Beth's sister's spouses - Steven, Devon and George
- sit on the couch watching basketball.
Shit! Take him out. He's done.
Jesus. This isn't some exhibition game.
Beth comes downstairs, with another set of dirty dishes,
and walks past them to the kitchen. The guys are annoyed
that she blocks their view.
Could you --
Did anyone have time to run to the store?
Nah, we're good. We just got drive
I didn't mean for you.
Beth, annoyed, goes into the kitchen. She puts down the
dishes in shock. The kitchen is SPOTLESS.
She looks to the sink and sees the back of a man, doing
the last of the dishes. He turns around. It's NEIL.
The dishes are all put away. There's a
load of laundry still drying, but the
other one is folded on top of the washer.
He goes to the fridge, and OPENS it. It's STOCKED.
I remembered what your dad likes, but I
tried to get healthy stuff, too.
Beth just looks at Neil, stunned.
Ben told me. I just - I wanted to help.
With that, TEARS start to roll out of Beth's eyes. Neil
goes to her, and puts his arms around her.
I know how much you love him. But it's
gonna be OK.
EXT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
Janine pulls up in her Land Rover and gets out. As she
approaches the house, she stops in her tracks. ALL THE
SCAFFOLDING IS GONE. THE HOUSE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL. She
whips out her cell phone and dials.
Javier - does this mean what I think it
means? So when you say "done" - you
don't mean "we still need plumbing in the
upstairs bathrooms done" - you mean "done
done"?...Wow - you're amazing...OK...I'll
call when I see it...Bye.
She hangs up the phone, steels herself, and walks inside.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - SAME
As Janine enters - she can't believe her eyes.
VARIOUS SHOTS as Janine walks from room to room - amazed.
Where there once were plastic sheets there are now walls
with vintage wall paper. All the floors are immaculate,
the chandeliers sparkle - it's all perfect.
She walks down halls and up staircases, past end tables
and mantles - ALL COVERED WITH PICTURES OF HER AND BEN.
Nice and tasteful.
She ends her tour in the master suite - it's HUGE. And
though full of furniture, the longer she stands there,
the more empty it begins to seem. Her face transitions,
from delight to loneliness, within a matter of seconds.
She takes out her cell phone, hesitates, then dials...
EXT. MEADOW MILL ATHLETIC CLUB - SAME
CLOSE ON: A LIT CIGARETTE. A LONG DRAG IS TAKEN.
CUT WIDE TO REVEAL: Ben sitting on a ledge in front of
the gym, smoking a cigarette, watching the passersby.
He's clearly waiting for Anna to arrive.
His PHONE RINGS. He looks at it - JANINE CALLING. He
IGNORES the call, takes another drag of his cigarette.
INT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - BEDROOM - SAME
With Janine as the call goes to voice mail. She hangs
up, confused. She sits on the edge of the bed, looking
around the room, not sure what to do with herself.
She notices a pair of pants and jacket thrown over a
chair - goes to tidy it up. She picks up the jacket,
checks the pockets, they're empty. She grabs the pants,
takes them both to the walk-in closet. She hangs up the
jacket. And as she folds the pants over - she HEARS
SOMETHING HIT THE GROUND. She looks down to find -
A PACK OF CIGARETTES. Her face pales. She stares at it -
immobile. Her face tightens, her eyes well up.
YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT!
- as she grabs two armfuls of his clothes off the racks
and flies out of the closet.
STAIRCASE - She hurtles down the stairs, throwing armfuls
of clothes into the foyer. Then, she surveys the scene
and, not satisfied, rushes back up the stairs.
HALLWAY - As she flies back into the bedroom, she sees
herself in the ANTIQUE MIRROR hanging in the hallway.
Without even thinking she grabs it from the wall and
SMASHES IT on the ground. She stands over it, breathing
heavily, looking at the shattered glass.
She EXITS FRAME and we hear her walk down the stairs, the
camera HOLDING ON THE EMPTY WALL.
After a beat we hear her walking back up the stairs - she
ENTERS FRAME AGAIN holding a DUSTPAN AND BROOM. She
kneels over and begins sweeping up her mess.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Neil lies on the bed, reading. The room is pretty messy -
a lot of clothes strewn around. There is a KNOCK at the
door. Neil gets up to answer it. It's Beth.
It's been a while since I've been here.
Turns out - that boat in the next
mooring, looks like yours -- not yours.
No, it's no problem. Nice guy. Invited
me in for a white wine spritzer. Not
sure he gets a lot of visitors.
Can I come in?
Neil ushers her in, shuts the door. Beth looks around.
I wanted to thank you. For coming by my
Of course. I really care about your dad.
And I really love you. Even if I can't
give you what you want.
You're what I want.
Neil looks at her - unsure of her meaning.
Our life together is what I want. Your
love is what I want. Did you see those
guys my sisters are married to? You are
a better husband to me - without being
married - than any of those real husbands
will ever be. And that's enough for me.
And you'd really be OK if we take the
marriage thing off the table?
If you promise to love me and be
committed to me -
I always have -
Wait, I'm not done. And snake the shower
drain when my hair clogs it, and let me
eat Wheat Thins in bed.
Beth smiles. They KISS.
So, I get to move back in?
I guess. But, you cannot bring those.
She points to his pants - a RAGGEDY pair of CARGO PANTS.
What? You're just mad at me, and you're
taking it out on the pants.
Look, I gotta win something. I let you
win the big battle, so throw me a bone.
OK. We're not getting married, but I'm
chucking the pants.
Great. We both win.
They kiss AGAIN.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON
Gigi sits on her bed, head flung upside down, blow drying
her hair. The phone RINGS but Gigi doesn't hear it.
INT. RED MAPLE - OFFICE - SAME
Alex, in his office, paces as he talks into the phone.
Hey, Gigi. It's Alex. I was just
wondering how you were doing. It's been
a little while since we've talked -- and
I was wondering how you were doing.
Alex looks up. Tyrone is watching him, shaking his head.
Alex motions for Tyrone to leave. He doesn't.
Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you.
Obviously. But you're out. So, call me.
Sometime. Or tonight. I'm around. OK.
That's enough now. It's Alex.
He hangs up. Tyrone is unimpressed.
I know. I know.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - SAME
Gigi flips her head back - oblivious to the phone call -
and checks her hair. She heads out of the bedroom.
EXT. ROWHOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
Conor and Anna climb the stairs of a three story row
house. A "FOR SALE" sign is outside.
You seriously get a ton of people bidding
I know it's crazy. But it's a
neighborhood "in transition."
So that means what - that hip gay people
want to live out here?
Yeah. Hip gay people, young couples,
Conor smiles as Anna heads into the house.
INT. ROWHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Weird - it totally reminds me of the
house I grew up in. I bet there is a -
Anna goes into a little nook off of the kitchen. And
pulls down a BUILT IN IRONING BOARD.
We totally had this same thing. My mom
would use this as her 'desk'. Isn't that
bizarre? It was always covered with her
little coupons and stuff.
Anna looks up to Conor, who is just watching her.
So, when do all the fabulous homosexual
couples start arriving?
Well, the open house is tomorrow. But I
have this one buyer. I mean, I want to
see if his girlfriend likes it first -
I mean, I had this idea -
Conor looks - all of a sudden - to be sweating.
An idea for the open house?
No, an idea. For this house. For - me.
To buy. And hopefully, if you like it
and things continue to - you know...
Anna turns to face Conor, trying to put this together.
Anna, look. I have a plan. I know where
my life is going. And I want you to go
with me. I mean - I'm not saying you
have to move in now or anything - I just -
I don't want to buy a place that you
couldn't - at some point - see yourself
Conor takes her hands in his. Anna starts to PANIC.
So what do you think? I mean gut
reaction. I always go with my gut when
it comes to real estate or ---
Anna looks at him. And at the PULL DOWN IRONING BOARD.
She looks at the ironing board a long time, before
turning back to Conor, holding back tears.
I can't do this Conor.
OK. If it's too fast -
No. I mean this. Any of this. What
you're saying - what you're offering - is
what every girl wants. It's what I've
always wanted. It's just -
Anna looks at him for a long time, not knowing how to say
this. Conor looks at her, struggling, and suddenly sees
it in her face. The answer he's been looking for. It
all dawns on him in an instant.
You don't want it with me.
Anna NODS sadly. Conor takes this in. A LONG BEAT.
So, I have a question.
Is it too late to dial it back to before -
and just keep sleeping together?
Anna LAUGHS, and it breaks the tension. Conor smiles.
Because I thought that really - you know
Anna goes to Conor and HUGS him.
EXT. PHILLIPS - NIGHT
Your standard waterfront seafood restaurant. Gigi sits
across from BILL, nice looking, if a bit conservative.
So, Alex told me you work in finance.
Yes. Yes, I do. Finance.
A LONG PAUSE.
This is nice.
A nice evening. And you planned it. And
called me when you said you would. And
showed up on time. Thank you, Bill.
You're very welcome.
ANOTHER AWKWARD LONG SILENCE. Gigi smiles.
INT. ALEX'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Alex now seems pretty agitated. He's shirtless, his
hair's a disaster. He's holding his phone handset.
Staring at it. He can't stop himself. He dials.
Hey it's Gigi. You've reached my cell.
I'm either having a very good time or in
a meeting - either way just leave a
message and --
Alex hangs up. He stands there for a second, thinking.
Then he runs into his bedroom like a madman.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
Gigi and Bill stand awkwardly outside her door.
It was nice meeting you.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
Bill reaches out for an ill timed hug. It's awkward.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
She comes inside, drops her stuff and sits on the couch.
Then, A KNOCK on the door. Gigi reluctantly gets up.
Did you forget something?
She opens the DOOR. It's not Bill. It's ALEX.
Yeah. I did.
Really? What did you forget?
Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out a PEN. THE
SAME PEN THAT GIGI PRETENDED TO BE RETURNING TO CONOR.
Gigi tries, without success, to suppress a SMILE.
INT. THE OWL BAR - NIGHT
A speakeasy from the 1900s that hasn't changed much. A
PIANO starts to play on a tiny stage - empty. And then -
a terrified but determined Anna takes her place in front
of the mic. And begins to SING.
It's a "THE LAST GOODBYE" by JEFF BUCKLEY - barely
recognizable - more of a torch song. As she sings, she
begins to gain confidence. We hear the song over:
INT. WESTSIDE LOFT - DAY
Beth and Neil's place. Neil comes in holding a few
MESSILY PACKED BOXES. He is clearly moving back in.
How did all this stuff fit in here fine
Beth comes in after him, holding some of his clothes.
I don't know. It expanded.
Neil collapses on the couch. Beth sits next to him, a
pile of clothes on her lap. She looks down and laughs.
No you are not trying to bring these back
in here -
Beth holds the CARGO PANTS that she protested before.
What? I have no idea what you're -
We had a deal. These are not staying.
That's really gonna free up a lot of
They're going. I have a bag I'm taking
to the Goodwill.
Neil watches her, smiling, as she walks across the room.
Okay, okay. You win. Just check to make
sure there's nothing in the pockets
before we give them away.
Beth dutifully puts her hands in the pockets. And then
she FEELS SOMETHING. Her face registers curiosity as she
pulls out - A BLACK VELVET RING BOX. Beth looks at it,
and when she looks up - Neil's down ON ONE KNEE.
I love you so much. So much. I want to
make you happy. I need to make you happy
for me to even have a shot at being
Tears stream down Beth's face. Neil pops open the box,
revealing an ENGAGEMENT RING.
Will you marry me?
Neil gets up and KISSES HER. They kiss, passionately,
for a long moment. And then:
Yes. Of course, yes.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Gigi and Alex stand in her entry. She holds the PEN.
You came all the way here - at 11 at
night - to give me back a promotional
I thought I better come up with some
excuse to get over here. Isn't that how
Alex looks at Gigi for a long moment. He looks nervous.
Look, I can't stop thinking about you. I
drive by your place. I call and hang up.
I'm turning into -
Well, a wise person once told me that if
a guy wants to be with a girl, he will
make it happen. No matter what.
Hmmm. Because when I was hurling my body
onto yours - you did not seem to want to
"make it happen."
Here's the thing about that. You were
right. I've gotten so used to keeping
myself at a safe distance from these
women, having the power - that I didn't
know what it felt like when I actually -
fell - for one of them.
Gigi considers this.
Look, I've just been out with your friend
Bill. And it just might be exactly what
I need. No drama. He calls. He does
what he says.
I could do that stuff too.
But you didn't. And that same wise
person told me that I am the rule. That
I have to stop thinking that every guy
will change - stop thinking that I will
be the --
But before she can finish her sentence, Alex KISSES HER.
A LONG, SLOW, PASSIONATE KISS.
- that I will be the exception.
Alex looks at her.
You are my exception.
They continue to KISS.
EXT. GAY PRIDE PARADE - NIGHT
A staple of summer in Baltimore.
The rickety Baltimore Blade float comes by. It's a very
phallic "blade" with a A BUNCH OF YOUNG SHIRTLESS MEN
dancing and waving. Mary rides the float, too, waving to
the crowd with Nathan, Joshua and Bruce.
Conor, with a NATTILY DRESSED GAY COUPLE, stands on the
street watching. Nathan calls down from the float.
NATTILY DRESSED GAY
What are you guys doing up there?
Dancing. Get your asses up here.
With that, the two Nattily Dressed Gays grab Conor, and
climb up onto the float. They SHOUT over the music.
NATTILY DRESSED GAY
This is Conor. He just sold us on the
most amazing duplex in Mt. Vernon.
Hey, Conor. I'm Mary.
Conor looks at Mary and SMILES. All of the gay men
around them start to DANCE. LIKE REALLY, REALLY DANCE.
It's so great to finally meet you in
They look at each other. Is there a connection?
Would you like to dance?
I'd love to.
Conor takes her hand - and the two of them do an old
fashioned slow dance on the float. As everyone freaks
around them, they smile and dance in each others' arms.
EXT. HIGHLANDTOWN HOUSE - NIGHT
Ben walks into the house and looks around - no Janine.
As he heads to the stairs, he stops in his tracks. At
the bottom of the stairs - ALL OF HIS CLOTHES are
stacked, neatly folded into piles. He approaches, then
sees a CARTON OF CIGARETTES on top of one pile -
- and a NOTE taped onto the carton: BEN - KNOCK YOURSELF
OUT. - JANINE P.S. I WANT A DIVORCE.
Ben slumps down, devastated.
EXT. HARBOR - DAY
A beautiful sunny day on the harbor. Anna's song fades
out, and the sound of Gigi's voice fades up.
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing
up. If a guy punches you, he likes you.
Never try to trim your own bangs.
EXT. BOAT - DAY
Out on the sparkling water, Neil's boat. As we get
closer, we see garlands on the rails, on the bough. Even
closer and we see - Beth on the arm of her father. He
escorts her down a mini aisle. On the bough of the boat -
is a TINY WEDDING. About six guests. And Neil, waiting
for Beth at the altar.
And someday you will meet a wonderful guy
and get your very own happy ending.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Mary sits at her desk, typing on her laptop. ON THE
SCREEN: MARY'S MYSPACE PROFILE.
Every movie we see, every story we're
told, implores us to wait for it. The
third act twist...the man who couldn't
get it together finally figuring it
out...the unexpected declaration of
Mary hits a button and a box comes up, which reads: ARE
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DELETE THIS MYSPACE PROFILE? Mary
clicks "YES". MYSPACE PROFILE DELETED appears.
Then, a KNOCK ON THE DOOR. Mary gets up, grabs her
little purse, and opens the door. IT'S CONOR. Mary
smiles, her face barely able to contain her happiness.
INT. GIGI'S APARTMENT - DAY
Gigi and Alex sit close on her couch, watching a movie.
...the exception to the rule.
We PAN over to the TV to find that they are watching:
SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL. Watts and Keith finally KISS.
Gigi can't suppress her smile as Alex pulls her close.
GIGI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
What we're not taught is how to read the
INT. EDDIE'S OF ROLAND PARK - DAY
Ben heads to the checkout line - holding a six pack of
beer and a bag of chips. As he's about to put his stuff
down, a PRETTY GIRL gets in line behind him.
How to tell the ones who want us from the
ones who don't. The one's who'll stay
from the one's who'll leave.
He lets her go ahead of him. She smiles, takes him up on
it. The cashier rings her up, she pays for her stuff,
without giving Ben so much as a look. Ben gives his
stuff to the cashier, along with a weak smile.
EXT. BUTCHER'S HILL BROWNSTONE - EVENING
From the outside looking in a ground floor window - we
can see the living room of the lower apartment. Boxes
fill the room - clearly a new tenant moving in.
Janine enters, carrying two boxes. She opens one, and
pulls out the ANTIQUE MIRROR (now with new glass).
And ultimately, we're not taught the one
thing that could save ourselves, our
friends, our families countless hours of
confusion, despair, and speculation.
She hangs the mirror, straightening it slightly. She
steps back, seems pleased. Then, IN FRONT OF CAMERA walk
two people - the CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM down the sidewalk.
We see it's Anna, walking with a NEW GUY - it's clear
it's a first date. They stop at the corner, exchange an
awkward hug. As they turn to go their separate ways -
It was nice meeting you.
Anna smiles - the New Guy turns and heads off. Anna
watches him go, and then turns and walks away from us.
That sometimes the happy ending...is just
Anna walks down the hill, the skyline of Baltimore in
front of her.