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                                  THE HEBREW HAMMER

                                     Written by

                                  Jonathan Kesselman

            Over BLACK, we hear the first few bars of Jingle Bells. The
            music morphs into an OMINOUS SCORE. 

            With a thunderous BOOM, comes a TITLE CARD reading "HANUKKAH


            We start on JESUS ON A CRUCIFIX, and then violently CRANE
            down to reveal MORDECHAI (10), a timid little Hasidic boy
            standing nervously at the foot of the statue.

            Behind Morty is a wall with the graffiti phrase "HANUKKAH IS
            4 HOMOS" scrawled across it. He clutches his Sandy Koufax
            lunchbox tightly as he looks off into the distance. He's got
            quite a large bulge in his pants for a child his age.

            We see a menacing, EXTREMELY WIDE ANGLE shot of the school.
            Superimposed over the picture are the words, "ST. PETER,

            Mordechai takes a deep breath, and walks towards the school.


            Mordechai walks past a row of bleachers occupied by FOUR

                                GENTILE BOY 1
                      Hey Mordechai, look. I dropped a penny.

            He drops a penny. The other children cackle.

            The Gentile Girl next to him holds up a bag of bagels.

                                GENTILE GIRL 1
                      Hey Mordechai. Want a bagel?

            Gentile Boy 1 feigns choking.

                                GENTILE BOY 2
                      Hey Jew nose, save some oxygen for us.

            More laughter. Morty attempts to take it all in stride. We
            PUSH into GENTILE GIRL 2, a severe looking puritanically 
            dressed child as she turns to face the camera.

                                GENTILE GIRL 2
                      Hey Morty, my mom says that unless your
                      people wise up and accept Jesus Christ as
                      your lord and savior you're all going to
                      burn in hell.

            Dead silence. The other children exchange "Now that went a
            little over the line" looks.

            The silence is broken by the sound of the SCHOOLBELL. Morty
            gathers himself, and walks off.

            INT. CLASSROOM - LATER

            As Morty holds a small gift wrapped box in his hands we hear
            a tinny version of the song Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. 

            He tears open the wrapping paper to reveal a DREIDEL. He
            looks at his gift, and then looks off-screen. We PAN with his
            look to reveal...

            A group of Christian children congregating around a large,
            garishly decorated Christmas tree. A very Vegas Merry
            Christmas sign flashes as a larger-than-life HI-FI version of
            the Christmas song Jingle Bells blares. The children
            festively slap high fives as they open their presents.

            We cut to a SLOW-MOTION CU of Gentile Boy 1 enamored with his
            brand new ATC motorbike.

            We cut to a SLOW-MOTION CU of Gentile Girl 1. She wears an "I
            Love Jesus" T-shirt and holds an adorable dog with a bow
            affixed to its head in her arms. It licks her on the face.

            We cut back to Mordechai. He looks down at his pathetic
            excuse for a present. He's on the verge of tears. 

            Gentile Boy 1 calls to Mordechai as he drives his ATC.  

                                GENTILE BOY 1
                      Hey everybody! Look what Mordechai got.
                      Nice spinning top Morty. 

            The other children take notice of Mordechai's gift and begin
            to laugh. 

            Mordechai is crushed. MRS. HIGHSMITH (40's), an incredibly
            Waspy teacher puts down her copy of 'Modern W.A.S.P.,' and
            appears genuinely concerned by the teasing Mordechai has
            weathered. She walks over to comfort him.

                                MRS. HIGHSMITH
                      Now, now class let's not make fun of
                      Mordechai's spinning top. We need to all
                      learn the importance of tolerance and
                      understanding. Isn't that right

                      Yes Mrs. Highsmith.

                                MRS. HIGHSMITH
                      So class, in honor of Mordechai's special
                      day, I'd like for all of us to wish Morty
                      a heartfelt Merry... 

            She looks to Mordechai for confirmation on the word.

                                MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
                      	Cha-noo-kuh Day 7.

            In unison, the class attempts to repeat the words, but all
            suffer various degrees of pronunciation problems.

                                MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
                      Very good class. I hope you've all
                      learned an important lesson today. Just
                      because Mordechai's people are different
                      from us...just because they might appear
                      strange to us with their furry hats,
                      their beady eyes, and their long
                      sideburns...not to mention their bizarre
                      customs and unnecessarily guttural, funny
                      sounding names...just because they
                      control all of the worlds' money, yet are
                      too cheap to buy their children anything
                      better than spinning tops for presents,
                      does not mean that we can't learn to
                      respect and love them as our equals.

            She squeezes his cheek.

                                MRS. HIGHSMITH (CONT'D)
                      Happy Chanoo-juah-kah Day 7 Morty.

            A reaction shot of the mortified Morty.

                                                                 CUT TO:


            A sullen Mordechai wanders the streets. Absurd XMAS
            DECORATIONS, horrific in their appearance blanket the street. 

            Morty glances a GROTESQUE FAUX REINDEER with fangs. We hear a
            growling noise as it lights up. He walks quickly away in fear

            A STOREFRONT

            We track with Morty as he passes a storefront window. Inside,
            the CLERK turns a sign outwards reading, "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
            We continue with Morty as he passes by a second storefront. A
            similar sign reading, "KYKES GO HOME" is turned outwards by
            ANOTHER CLERK. He continues past yet another building as a
            sign reading, "MONOTHEISTS NEED NOT APPLY" is displayed by a
            THIRD CLERK for Morty's benefit.

            Morty looks across the street.

            A sign hangs from a storefront reading "JEWS OK FOR ABOUT 5
            MINUTES." The FOURTH CLERK gives him the thumbs up.

            Morty finds a spot on the sidewalk outside the building and
            pulls out his dreidel. 

            He spins it, and we hold on the spinning top for a few beats
            as Morty stares at in wonderment. 

            Suddenly, a huge black boot comes crashing down into frame
            and smashes the little dreidel. Mordechai slowly looks up. 

            A menacing SANTA CLAUS gives him the finger, and exits frame
            as we hear him sadistically laugh O.S. the words "Ho, ho, ho"
            at Morty.

            We start CLOSE on Mordechai. Rage fills every inch of his
            face. As we SLOWLY CRANE AWAY, the opening CREDITS begin as
            the HEBREW HAMMER THEME SONG kicks into full gear.

                                                                 CUT TO:

            TITLE SEQUENCE

            As the Jewxploitation music pumps, metallic slashes rip
            through the screen line by line, spinning into place to form
            a Star Of David. The title, "The Hebrew Hammer" SLAMS into


            EXT. THE CHOOD - DAY

            We start CLOSE on a gift wrapped Hanukkah present. We pull
            back a bit as MORDECHAI JEFFERSON CARVER (29), AKA THE HEBREW
            HAMMER, a baaad Jewish brother spins the package in his hands
            as he saunters down the street past a latke stand. He's a
            Semitic super stud straight out of a 70's Blaxploitation
            flick. He tosses the gift to MACCABEE, a young Hasidic boy. 

                      Happy Hanukkah Maccabee.

            Macabee tears open the wrapping paper and holds up the gift -
            a Hebrew Hammer action figure. He beams.

            We cut back to the Hammer as he smiles back. From O.C., we
            hear Maccabee say...

                                MACCABEE (O.C.)
                      Thanks Hammer!

            The Hammer smiles back and walks off frame.


            We begin on the Hammer's black boots and slowly TILT up as we
            DOLLY back with him.

            The Hammer passes a line of THREE JEWISH PRINCESSES who swoon
            as he passes. 

            He stops below the sign of a butcher shop that reads, "100%
            KOSHER MEAT." We PUSH into his CLOSE UP as he blows them all
            a kiss.

            The pubic area of their dresses moisten in synchrony.

            The Hammer winks back.

            An OLD WOMAN calls to the Hammer from the window of a second
            story flat. 

                                OLD WOMAN
                      Hammer, why don't you come eat by us for
                      Shabat. My Miriam is all grown up now.
                      God willing, you should settle down and

            We punch in to a CLOSE UP of a demure Miriam as the Hammer
            takes stock of the goods. She is an atrociously ugly girl
            wearing orthodontic headgear, and bespectacled with a pair
            oversized librarian's glasses.

            The Hammer shakes off his wave of nausea.

                      Thanks for the invite Mrs. Kleinman, but
                      right now G dash d's the only one for me. 

                                OLD WOMAN
                      I can dig it.

            The Hammer continues on down the street. The old woman and
            Miriam are framed in the BG.

                                OLD WOMAN (CONT'D)
                      Hammer, you're the baaddest Hebe this
                      side of Tel Aviv.

            The Hammer stops for a second and smiles at the compliment.

                          (To himself)
                      Shabat Shalom!

             He walks off frame.


            Some TEENAGE GENTILE BOYS play keep away with a yarmulke
            belonging to SHLOMO, another young Hasidic kid.

                      Give it back! Give me back my yarmulke!

                                TEENAGE GENTILE 
                      Hey Teddy, throw me the frisbee.

            TEDDY (the non-speaking teen Gentile) throws the yarmulke,
            and we FOLLOW it as it spins towards another TEENAGE GENTILE.
            The other Teenage Gentile excitedly extends his hands to
            catch, but right before it reaches him another hand comes
            into frame and snatches it. He looks up, and we cut to his...  

            POV as we tilt up to reveal The Hammer. He looks pretty damn
            big and pissed off from this angle.

            The Teenage Gentile  begins to shake and stammer.

                                TEENAGE GENTILE (CONT'D)
                      We...we were going to give it back. I
                      swear to god.

                      Did you just take god's name in vain?

                                TEENAGE GENTILE 
                      No, no. It...It's not like that. We were
                      just about...

                      Just about to leave, right?

                                TEENAGE GENTILE 
                      Yeah, yeah, that's right. We were just
                      about to leave. C'mon Teddy.

            The two run off.

            The Hammer looks down to Shlomo. His spirit seems broken.

                      You alright?

                      I guess. Sometimes I wonder why I even
                      bother praying to one god.

                      Hey, hey! Be proud of who you are. You're
                      a bad, bold, big-nosed, biblical brother.
                      You feelin' me?

            The kid's morale is boosted.

                      Yeah. You're right.

                      Aveenooh Shalom Alechem little brother.

            The Hammer pounds his fist into his chest ala the Black
            Panthers. The kid returns the gesture.

                      Thanks Hammer.

            The Hammer points at him as he leaves.

                      Stay Jewish.


            The Hammer walks up the stairs and past the sign advertising
            his office. 

            The Hammer theme music winds down, punctuated with Shaft-like
            brass hits. However, the brass hits become incredibly
            overblown and extraneous.

            The Hammer walks back into frame from the stairway to his
            office. He looks around strangely for the source of the


            TIKKVA (Late 30's), the Hammer's very nasaly Laawng Island
            secretary, files her nails furiously as the Hammer enters the
            office. A MUZAK version of the Hammer Theme song plays over
            the office PA system.

                      Happy Hanukkah Tikva. 

                      Happy Hanukkah Morty.

            The Hammer tosses his Shtreml and we WHIP with it as lands
            squarely on the hat rack.

            We cut back to the Hammer. He's wearing a yarmulke.

                      So, what's shakin' Yenta.

                      Well, for stahters, your mother called.
                      She said to remind you that you're having
                      Shabat Dinner by her tomorrow, and also
                      to remind you to bring the Manischewitz,
                      and she wanted me to relate the following
                      information to you. 

                      Okay, what's the information?

                      She said to remind you that you're having
                      Shabat dinner by her tomorrow and also to
                      remind you to bring the Manischewitz.

            The Hammer lets this sink in. 

                      Anything else?

                      Yeah, I'm going to be out of the office
                      from 1:30 to 3:00 on Sunday. I have a
                      terrible yeast infection and I need to
                      see my gynecologist.

                      But we're not open on Sundays.

                      I understand that. I just thought that
                      you might want to know.

                      I'll be in my office.

            The Hammer walks into his private office and shuts the
            frosted glass door. We hold on what's stenciled on the
            outside of the door. The lettering reads, "Mordechai
            Jefferson Carver - Certified Circumcised Dick - State of New

                                                   YET TBD TRANSITION TO:

            EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY

            An establishing shot of Santa's Workshop. The lettering
            "NORTH POLE - SANTA'S WORKSHOP" is superimposed over the


                                SANTA CLAUS (O.S.)
                      I want to start by thanking all of you
                      for pulling yourselves away from the
                      workshop to make this emergency meeting.
                      I know it's the busiest time of the year
                      for all of you, so I'll try and be brief.

            As Santa speaks, we begin on a painting of a meek and
            frightened looking Santa Claus. His eyes look fearfully to
            his right.  Below the picture frame is a plaque reading "St.
            Nick the Nervous. 1871-1941", we continue a slow DOLLY to the
            right on to the next picture.

            We see another Santa Claus, much more treacherous in his
            appearance. His eyes are fixed menacingly on the picture of
            Santa to his left. The plaque below his picture read, "St.
            Nick The Nasty 1941-1970."

            We continue our DOLLY to the right, finally ending on a
            painting of a jolly, portly Santa. Below his picture the
            plaque reads, "St. Nick The Nice. 1970-Christmas Present."

            We cut to a WIDE shot of a Conference Room. The same nice
            Santa Claus from the last picture addresses a handful of
            ELVES. Two reindeer flank Santa on either side. Their
            nameplates hang from their necks - "BLITZEN" and "RUDOLPH."

            At the other end of the table from Santa sits his son DAMIAN,
            quite a nasty looking man. 

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      My father, often referred to as St. Nick
                      The Nasty, was a tyrannical man. He was
                      obsessed with making Christmas the only
                      holiday anyone could celebrate before the
                      New Year.
                      Since his death, I've prided myself on
                      ensuring that the Christmas season is one
                      of tolerance and understanding between
                      all races and religions. It's always been
                      my belief that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa
                      deserve the same respect as Christmas. 

            Damian whispers to an elf on his right hand side, and then
            makes the JERKING OFF motion with his hand. 

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      Lights please.

            As Rudolph's nose dims, so do the lights in the room. Santa
            picks up a remote in his hand, and turns on a SLIDE

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      Over the course of my career as Santa
                      Claus, I've made it my mission to ensure
                      that Jews, Christians, and African
                      Americans could all observe their
                      respective holidays in harmony.

            We see a slide of THE HEBREW HAMMER, an African American man
            (Mohammed), and Santa Claus arm in arm below a banner in a
            mall reading "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      I was responsible for pushing the Happy
                      Holidays Ordinance, in which all Merry
                      Christmas signage was replaced by the
                      Trans-relgious and inoffensive phrase
                      'Happy Holidays.'

            We see another slide in which an assembly of SCHOOLCHILDREN
            are singing.

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      It was nearly a decade ago, in
                      conjunction with our friends in the
                      Jewish and African American communities 
                      that I supported a bill that mandated
                      that 'Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel' and 'I'm
                      dreaming of a bright Kwanzaa' be taught
                      and sung in elementary schools along with
                      the Christmas standards 'Frosty The
                      Snowman', and 'Deck The Halls.' 
                      Which is why upon examination of my
                      annual naughty and nice list it shocked
                      me to discover that my own son, Damian...

            Damian, preoccupied with the cigarette he's attempting to
            light, looks up in response to his name.
            A brown bagged bottle of booze now sits on the table in front
            of him. We can see Santa and the reindeer in silhouette on
            the slide projection screen behind him.

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      The heir to the Red Suit could be so
                      filled with hate. 

            Santa addresses Damian.

                                SANTA CLAUS (CONT'D)
                      Damian, when I learned of your ludicrous
                      scheme to wipe out Hanukkah, my first
                      reaction was one of disgust. Now, I'm
                      only filled with sadness and
                      disappointment. Disappointed that I
                      failed to teach you the true meaning of
                      Christmas. What do you have to say for

            We being a SLOW PUSH into Damian as he ponders the question.
            The cigarette dangles from his lips. 

            Rudolph nods to Blitzen. Blitzen returns the gesture with a
            nod of acknowledgment.

            With a slow and measured pace Damian says...

                      Ho. Ho. Ho.

            On the slide projector screen behind Damian, we see the
            silhouetted images of Blitzen and Rudolph goring Santa
            through the chest with their antlers. Damian cringes.

            Blood trickles from Santa's mouth, and with his last breath
            he utters the words...

                                SANTA CLAUS
                      Et tu, Blitzen?

            Santa falls out of frame with a thud. Standing behind him
            with bloodied antlers is Blitzen. 

            Damian walks over to the newly deceased Santa, takes his
            bloodstained Santa's hat, and put it on his own head. From
            this point on in the screenplay, Damian will now be referred
            to as SANTA.

            The elves in the room, in various stages of shock, stare at
            their new master in horror.

                      What are you fucking midgets looking at!?
                      Get back to work! We have Hanukkah to

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            A building resembling the Pentagon with the exception that
            it's shaped like the Star Of David. Superimposed over the
            picture are the words, "JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE."


            A smoky chamber reminiscent of the Senate or the United
            Nations. A GIANT BANNER reading "HANUKKAH NOW!," illustrated
            with a Hasid in silhouette with his fist raised, covers the
            back wall behind the men.

            As with the Senate House Committee, various factions of the
            JDL sit behind plaques describing the group they represent.
            We see members from: The Anti-Defamation League, Jews Against
            Drunk Driving, etc. A chair belonging to THE COALITION OF
            JEWISH ATHLETES is empty.

            The floor is chaotic. The JDL Chief bangs his gavel and


            His pleas for silence are ignored.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      Gentleman! Please!

            Still chaos. He flips a light switch on and off a few times
            as he says...

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      Sheket B'vakasha! Sheket B'vakasha!

            The entire hall responds in unison...


            The room falls silent. Every member of the JDL sits straight
            up with their hands folded in front of them.

                      The time for action is now. We predict
                      that the St. Nick Day Massacre will put
                      Hanukkah-Christmas relations back at
                      least a hundred years. With this
                      meshuggena new Santa Claus in power,
                      Hanukkah is in jeopardy. Our first order
                      of business is to put into motion a plan
                      to create goodwill towards the Jewish
                      Community. Mr. Chairman of the Worldwide
                      Jewish Media Conspiracy.

            HARVEY WEINSTEIN sits before a plaque reading, "HARVEY

                                HARVEY WEINSTEIN
                      Yes Chief.

                      We need your people to crank out a couple
                      more award winning documentaries on the
                      Holocaust, possibly a new Adam Sandler


                                ADL CHAIRMAN
                      Not another Adam Sandler movie!

                                HARVEY WEINSTEIN
                      What's wrong with Adam Sandler movies? 

                                ADL CHAIRMAN
                      We're trying to create goodwill here. I
                      just think... 

                                HARVEY WEINSTEIN
                      Frankly, I don't care what you think. I
                      think you're a putz.

            The plaque reading "Anti-Defamation League" is clearly framed
            in this shot.

                                ADL CHAIRMAN
                      Don't defame me. I'm against that.

                      Focus people. Our next order of business
                      is to assign an agent to track Santa's
                      activities. Step in and use force if the
                      situation calls for it.
                      We need to put the toughest Jew we have
                      on the case. Suggestions? Suggestions,

            One of the JDL MEMBERS calls out.

                                JDL MEMBER 1
                      What about Steven Spielberg?

                      C'mon, he made ET. We need someone tough

            A SECOND MEMBER calls out.

                                JDL MEMBER 2
                      What about Itzahk Perlman?

                      He's in a wheelchair for crying out loud.

            We stay on the chief while we hear offscreen...

                                JDL MEMBER'S 3 AND 4 (O.S.)
                      Allen Greenspan? Henry Kissinger?

                      Too old.

                                ADL CHAIRMAN
                      Joe Lieberman?

                      Missing in action.

                                JDL MEMBER 1
                      Robert Shapiro?

                      He's a lawyer. We're looking for heros

                                HARVEY WEINSTEIN
                      David Copperfield?

                      What's he gonna do, make Santa disappear?
                      Think people think. We need a hard
                      hittin' Hebe on this one. 

            At the back of the room, ESTHER (25), a Semitic siren, pushes
            her way to the front. A black skirt covers every inch of her
            sexy figure.

                      What about Mordechai Jefferson Carver? 

            The hall fills with hushed voices as the various members of
            the JDL whisper to one another.

                      The Hebrew Hammer? No. No way. After the
                      way he handled that situation in the West
                      Bank? He's the only Jew in the world too
                      extreme for the JDL. There's a reason why
                      we kicked him out of our ranks,
                      sweetheart. We need a man who can follow
                      orders. A man with self-control. We need
                      a man...

            The COUNCIL ELDER, a sage looking elderly Jewish man
            interrupts. The plaque in front of him reads, "SAGE ELDERLY
            JEWISH LEADER."

                                COUNCIL ELDER
                      ...We need a man who can get the job

                      Daddy, he's our only hope. And you know

            The Chief nods his head reluctantly.

                                ADL CHAIRMAN
                      Only problem is, ever since we kicked him
                      out, he wants nothing to do with us.
                      There's no way we can persuade him to
                      come back.

            Esther lifts her skirt a few inches.

                      Perhaps I can persuade him.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            A shoddy low-rent office replete with Film Noirish lighting
            via the blinds. The Hammer fiddles with a dreidel as he sits
            with his feet propped up on his desk. His Shtreml hat is
            skewed to one side and a toothpick dangles from his lips.

                                	HAMMER (V.O.)
                      It was the day before Hanukkah when she
                      strolled into my office.

            There is knock at the door.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Come in.

            The door opens to reveal a long denim skirt covering every
            possible inch of flesh. We tilt up the length of the skirt to
            reveal Esther. She is breathtakingly sexy.

            The Hammer quickly removes his feet from the table. Esther
            approaches his desk and sits.

                      Mr. Jefferson Carver?

                      Please, call me Mordechai.

                                HAMMER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                      From the way she carried herself I could
                      tell she'd been around the block a few

                      Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a pisher, and
                      I've been circling the block for the past
                      half hour looking for parking. What are
                      you listening to?

                                HAMMER (V.O.)
                      Oh, the things I would do to her if I had

            The Hammer attempts to press stop on his tape recorder, but
            accidentally FAST FORWARDS to another part of the tape. We
            hear the sound of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. The Hammer scrambles
            for the STOP button. 

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Client notes. Sorry.
                      What can I do for you?

                      My name is Esther. Chief
                      Bloomenbergensteinenthal from the Jewish
                      Defense League desperately needs to speak
                      with you.  

                      How is old Chief
                      Is he still shtooping every girl he can
                      get his hands on? 

                      Actually, his days of marital infidelity
                      have long since past. Now he just shtoops
                      my mother exclusively.

            The Hammer makes the realization.

                      Your mother? Oh. Whoops.

                      Mordechai, Santa Claus has been rubbed
                      out by his son Damian. The man's a demon.
                      There's no telling what this new anti
                      semitic psycho Santa is capable of.

                      I'm sorry to hear about Santa. He was a
                      good friend, but my days...

            The Hammer stops himself and glances over Esther's shoulder.

            In the doorway stands a BLONDE BOMBSHELL in a mink coat.

                                BLONDE BOMBSHELL
                      Mr. Hammer? I'd like to hire you to put a
                      tail on my husband. I think my life might
                      be in danger. I think he wants to kill

                      Sorry Shiksa, I think you got the wrong
                      office. I'm the Hebrew Hammer. Mike
                      Hammer's down the hall.

            The Blonde Bombshell is confused for a moment.

                                BLONDE BOMBSHELL

            She leaves.

                      Listen. Esther, you seem like a nice
                      girl, so I'm only gonna say this once. I
                      no longer affiliate myself with that
                      organization. The politics there were
                      brutal. Besides, I've already got a full
                      case load.

            Esther looks down at his desk.

            We cut to a shot of the Hammer's In/Out Box. Both are
            completely empty, and thickly coated with spiderwebs. 

            The Hammer takes notice of her expression of skepticism.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      That's...uh...that's all done
                      electronically now.

            Still a look of disbelief.

                      Why are you being so difficult? All my
                      father wants is to just speak with...

                      I hate to cut you short, but in an hour
                      the sun goes down, and then it's
                      officially the Sabbath. I can't work on
                      the Sabbath. This is where we're going to
                      have to part ways boobola.

            The Hammer grabs his overcoat from the coat rack. Esther gets
            up as well.

                      I'm not leaving your side until I get you
                      to agree to come speak with my father.

            It's obvious the Hammer's amused by her persistence. 

                      Be my guest. But I have to warn you, I'm
                      going to my mother's for dinner tonight.
                      And if you think I'm difficult, wait till
                      you meet her.

            The two walk towards the front door of the office.

                      Before we leave, there's just one more
                      thing. I noticed that the sign on your
                      door says you're a certified circumcised
                      dick. Would you mind if I asked to see
                      your credentials?

            The Hammer looks directly into the camera and shakes his head

                                                                 CUT TO:


            We start on the outside of the front door as we hear the Ding
            of the doorbell. MRS. CARVER, the epitome of Jewish
            motherhood opens the door. 

            For all the Gentiles reading, I thought I might digress for
            just a moment. JEWISH MOTHER (adj.) A complicated and
            charismatic package of the following qualities rolled into
            human female form: intense, judgmental, overbearing,
            manipulative, lacking boundaries, yet fiercely involved,
            loving, and protective of her children. Got it?

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Mordechai! Shabat Shalom!

            The Hammer pulls a bottle of wine out from a paper bag.

                      Shabat Shalom mama. I brought some
                      Manischewitz. The black label.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      I can see. And you also brought a nice
                      girl to come eat by us.

            Mrs. Carver forcefully grabs Esther into an embrace
            resembling a bear hug, and begins to plaster her with sloppy
            kisses. Esther is visibly overwhelmed by it all as the
            kissing and embracing continue for a bit too long.

            Mrs. Carver places her tongue into Esther's ear canal as a
            sign of affection, forcing Esther to break the embrace. Mrs.
            Carver and Esther look at one another strangely for an
            awkward few moments.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      So. Do you have a name?

                      It's Esther.

                                MRS. CARVER
                          (She sighs ferclempt)
                      From the story of Purim.
                          (To Hammer)
                      Well, now that we're all acquainted,
                      let's sit down and start the Sabbath.

                                                                 CUT TO:



            The Hammer and Esther grasp their stomachs which protrude
            from underneath their slightly unbuttoned shirts. Plates of
            half-eaten food are everywhere. On the table, on the dining
            room furniture behind them, etc.

                      Oy vey, I'm stuffed.

                      I don't think I could eat another latke
                      if you paid me.

            Mrs. Carver enters the dining room through the kitchen door
            carrying an enormous platter loaded with serving dish after
            serving dish of food.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Everybody ready for the main course?

            Esther and the Hammer exchange looks.

                      Mom, I think we've had enough.

            Mrs. Carver places the food on a dresser opposite the kitchen
            table and then sits. 

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Nonsense young man. You'll eat everything
                      in front of you. After all, there are
                      people starving in China. Isn't that
                      right Mun Chi?

            We cut to a previously unseen end of the table. MUN CHI, a
            skin and bones elderly Chinese man looks up in response to
            his name. The plate directly in front of him is still
            pristine. He mutters something in Chinese and then reaches
            for a chicken wing on a platter in the middle of the table.

            Mrs. Carver smacks his hands away with a wooden salad spoon
            and then glares at him.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Not until Mordechai finishes everything
                      in front of him. 

            Mrs. Carver directs her piercing stare at the Hammer.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      So, Esther, how did you and Mordechai
                      meet. You know they call him the Hebrew
                      Hammer for a reason.

            Esther coughs up some of her food. The Hammer interjects.

                      Mom! Esther works for the JDL. They sent
                      her to try and recruit me back to save
                      Hanukkah for them. What she doesn't seem
                      to understand is that nothing, not even
                      god himself could convince me to ever
                      work for them again.

                      But Hanukkah's in dan...

            The Hammer cuts her off.

                      Not my problem. If you'll excuse me now,
                      I need to use the bathroom.

            He stands and leaves.

            Mrs. Carver stares lovingly at Esther.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      You like my Mordechai, yes?

                      He's...he's very nice. 	
                      But Mrs. Carver, the fate of Hanukkah
                      rests solely in his hands. Please, you
                      have to help me.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Hanukkah, Shmanukkah. It isn't even one
                      of the high holidays. What concerns me
                      more is that my boychick is almost
                      thirty, and has yet to settle down with a
                      nice Jewish girl. 
                      I'll make you a deal. I'll help you with
                      your little Hanukkah problem if you help
                      me with my Mordechai. 

                      What do you want me to do?

                                MRS. CARVER
                      He works too much. God forbid he should
                      have a nice Jewish girl come eat by him
                      once in a while. Take his mind off his
                      work. Maybe a blowjob here and there. 

            Esther begins to choke again.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Is this something you could do for me?

            The Hammer calls out from the bathroom.

                      Mom, where do you keep the plunger?

                                MRS. CARVER
                      It's under the sink by my tampons!

            Esther appears panicked.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      So, do we have a deal?

            In the BG, we hear the toilet FLUSH. The Hammer begins his
            walk back to the table.


            The Hammer sits down.

                      So, what did you two ladies discuss while
                      I was gone.

            Esther begins to speak, but Mrs. Carver interrupts.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      I was just telling your nice friend
                      Esther about how I used to have such a
                      problem with the gas.
                          (To Esther)
                      So, once I started taking two charcoal
                      pills before I ate, the gas cleared
                      itself right up. 

            Esther plays along.

                      Thanks. That's...good to know.

            Mrs. Carver turns her attention towards her son.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Mordechai. Do you love your mother?

                      Mom, stop with this already. Of course I
                      love you. You're my mother.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Then how come you won't stop this
                      Certified Circumcised Dick nonsense and
                      get yourself a real job. 

                      Mom, I have a real job. I do good things
                      for this community. I help people.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      When I play bridge with all the girls,
                      everyone has what to talk about with
                      their sons. They show pictures. Their
                      sons are lawyers and doctors and Rabbis.
                      Why can't I show a picture?  

                      So don't show a picture.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      You know my friend Maureen? Her son, the
                      investment banker? He paid for her entire
                      retirement in Boca Raton. What a mench he
                      is. Instead of schleping to save
                      Hanukkah, god forbid you should go back
                      to business school and get an MBA. Maybe
                      then you could send me to Boca, too.

            This puts the Hammer into a neurotic fit.

                      Oh. Oh, What. So, all of a sudden my
                      saving Hanukkah's not good enough for
                      you? Is that what your saying?

            Mrs. Carver throws her arms up in resignation.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      I don't want to argue with you. Let's
                      just eat in peace.

                      No. No. We're gonna argue. And you know
                      what mom? I'm going to save Hanukkah just
                      to spite you. And when my face is all
                      over the television. When your friends
                      are opening their Hanukkah gifts next
                      year, don't mention it to them, okay? I
                      wouldn't want you to have to show my

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Do what you must. 

            Mrs. Carver looks at Esther and winks.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                          (To Esther)
                      Such a good boy he is.

            The Hammer shakes his head in frustration.

            Mrs. Carver becomes very animated.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Mazel Tov!

            MAZEL TOV, a tabby with two paralyzed back legs wearing a
            diaper slides itself across the floor. With each writhing
            motion we hear a very distinct SWISHING NOISE. 

            Mrs. Carver picks the cat up and places it in her lap. Mazel
            Tov makes a strange, UNHAPPY NOISE. 

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      What's that Mazel Tov? Your diaper needs

            Mrs. Carver pulls off Mazel Tov's diaper while it still sits
            in her lap. She plays with undiapered cat's two good paws.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                          (To Mazel Tov)
                      Let's let your tuchus breathe.

                      Mom, why don't you put that cat out of
                      its misery?

                                MRS. CARVER
                          (Extremely offended)
                      Because it isn't god's way.
                      When you spent the fourth grade in bed
                      recovering from your bout with
                      hypoglycemia, did I put you down? No.
                      Mazel Tov will lead a full life just like
                      the rest of us. Isn't that right Mazel

            The cat purrs back at her. She takes the cat from her lap and
            places it on the floor.

            BROWN STREAKS cover her white blouse.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Anybody hungry for desert?

                                                                 CUT TO:


            "JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE - SUNDAY - 0800 Hrs - Year 5734" is
            typed out sequentially over the image of the building.


            The exterior resembles any walled private residence with a
            front gate. The Hammer stands in front of the large, metallic
            Star Of David vault-like gate and pushes the button next to
            it. A COMPUTERIZED VOICE begins...

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE
                      Jew Confirmation Test initiated.

            He's clearly irritated by this.

                      You've gotta be kidding me. They're still
                      doing this?

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE
                      Please state your full Hebrew name.

                      Mordechai Baruch Netanyahoo.

            The vault-like gate slides open in a futuristic manner, and
            the Hammer steps in. The gate shuts behind him, and he finds
            himself in an all white room. A microphone is placed by
            another massive door directly in front of him. 

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE
                      Please state the six dishes found on the
                      Passover Seder plate in alphabetical

                      Beitzah, Charoset, Chazeret, Karpas,
                      Maror, and Zeroa.

            The second door slides open, and Morty steps forward into the
            next room. Inside this room lies a single violin in a case.

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE
                      Please demonstrate musical aptitude.

            The Hammer picks up the violin and begins to play 'Hava
            Nagila.' He's pretty damn good at it. The next door slides
            open, and Hammer steps forward into yet another room.

            A drape, about four feet high off the floor, is stretched
            into a semi-circle against the wall of the room. 

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE (CONT'D)
                      Please step forward and remove your

            The Hammer steps inside the drape, and drops his pants.

            A panel on the wall opens, and a metal probe heads for his
            shmekel. He is clearly uncomfortable with this bit of

                      Oooh. That's cold.

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE
                      Circumcision confirmed. 

            The door slides open, and the Hammer quickly pulls his pants
            up as he steps into the next room. The room is completely
            empty with the exception of a one way mirror on the front
            wall by the door.

                                COMPUTERIZED VOICE (CONT'D)
                      Final test initiated.

            Nothing happens. The Hammer waits a few seconds, but quickly
            becomes agitated.

                      Hello? Can anybody hear me? I think this
                      machine is broken or something. Hello?
                          (To himself)
                      This is ridiculous! I didn't even want to
                      come here. I shlep all the way out to the
                      middle of nowhere, for lord knows what
                      purpose, and...

            We cut to the OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. The Chief observes
            the Hammer as he continues to whine. Next to them, a METER
            with the label "WHINING SCALE" slowly grows in magnitude as
            the Hammer continues to rant. The meter bars go from red to
            yellow in color.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      I am so unhappy with this situation. Why
                      Mordechai? Why do you always feel it
                      necessary to do what other people want
                      you to do? Why can't you be your own

                      Come on. Come on.

            The meter bars switch from yellow to green, finally passing
            the '0  - Jewish' mark.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                          (To himself)
                      He's still got it.

            Back inside with the Hammer, the doors slide open, revealing
            the Chief to the Hammer.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      Welcome back Hammer.

                                                                 CUT TO:


            The Hammer and the Chief make their way down the hallway.

                      Since you've been gone Hammer, some
                      things have changed around here. Our
                      agents are now subjected to a strict
                      physical training regiment. Take a look.

            The Chief stops at a door labeled "Goldsmith's Gym." The sign
            is illustrated with a picture of a Hasidic Jew squatting a
            dumbbell a la Gold's Gym. The Chief opens the door. 


            Inside, about FIVE or so HASIDS decked out in white Karate
            gi's stand facing the door. By the front door, A GROUP
            LEADER, notices the Hammer, and walks towards the door. He
            bows with his hands folded in front of him as a sign of

            The Hammer returns the gesture.

            The Group Leader shakes his head in one last respect, and
            then turns away from the Hammer as he goes back to his class.
            On the back of his gi is written the word "JEW-DO."

                      A minion practicing Jew-do, the deadly
                      fighting art. Cool.

                      There's more. Follow me.

            The two leave, and continue their walk down the hallway. An
            agent with his back to camera fiddles with some HIGH-TECH
            gadgetry that lines the walls.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      We've even relaxed our centuries old
                      admissions criteria. 

            The Chief stops behind the man and taps him on the back. 

            SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR., the spitting image of Sammy, turns to
            greet the two. 

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      Mordechai Jefferson Carver, I'd like for
                      you to meet the Jewish Defense League's
                      first black Jewish agent. A close
                      personal friend of mine, agent Sammy
                      Davis Jr. Jr.

                                SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
                      The Hebrew Hammer? I've heard about this
                      cat. Your beautiful babe. Keep on keeping

            The Hammer is a bit taken back.

                      Alright. I'll, uh, keep doing that.

            Sammy's all smiles. 

                      Sammy, if you'll excuse us, Mordechai and
                      I have business to attend to.

                                SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
                      You two cats keeps purrin'. 


            Your standard 70's TV police Chief's office. The Hammer
            enters and the Chief shuts the door behind him.

                      Alright Mordechai, now that we're alone I
                      just want to say that I'm not happy about
                      this. I don't want a repeat of that
                      incident in the West Bank.

                      I got the job done didn't I? I did what I
                      had to do.

                      A settlement completely demolished, ten
                      smashed army jeeps, four dead Arabs. G
                      dash D damn it, Hammer! You think you're
                      above the Ten Commandments? Just find
                      Santa Claus and bring him back to us. No
                      heroics, got it?

                      Hey, it's your Bar Mitzvah. I'm just
                      readin' the Torah portion.

                      Well it's good to see that you can be so
                      nonchalant about the whole thing.

                      I guess I could be chalant about it, but
                      then again I'm not even sure if that's a
                      word. Listen Chief, we could stand around
                      arguing all day, but I gotta case to

                      What's your first move?

                      I'm gonna pay a visit to the K.L.F. See
                      if they've got the 411 on Santa's
                      location. I'll check in with you when I
                      know more.

            The Hammer heads for the door. 

                      You be careful Hammer.

            The Hammer walks out the door. The Chief calls to him.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      The fate of Hanukkah rests squarely on
                      your shoulders.

            A beat passes, and then the Hammer walks back in.

                      Okay. You guys have seriously got to stop
                      with that stuff. That's a lot of pressure
                      to put on one Jew. I'm only human you
                      know. I'm already shvitzing about the
                      whole thing. You know, believe it or not,
                      I'm allowed to make mistakes, too. I can
                      only do the best that I can do, and
                      that's just gonna have to be good enough
                      for all of you. 

            A reaction shot of the befuddled Chief.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Just...just stop with that. Okay?
                      Alright, I'm out of here.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            We see various shots of the Hammer's Caddy. The grill, the
            white wall tires, the fuzzy dreidel hanging from the rear
            view mirror, etc. Very 'Superfly.'


            We start on an incredibly impressive looking building. Over
            this we see the words "KWANZAA LIBERATION FRONT" typed out
            sequentially. The camera than tilts down to reveal a Popeye's

            A BLACK TEENAGER scouts the street with a pair of binoculars. 

            BINOCULAR POV - Instead of the usual two circles, we see the
            world through two cutouts of the African continent. The
            Hammer's Caddy pulls up.

                                BLACK TEENAGER 
                      Oh shit!

            The teen runs inside.

            The Hammer's Caddy pulls up to a stop right at camera, giving
            us a full view of the license plate. It reads, "LCHAIM." 


            A handful of BAAAD BROTHERS, decked out in a mixture of
            African clothing and combat gear relax to the sounds of
            mellow Blaxploitation music. 'KWANZAA NOW!' posters and other
            Pro-Kwanzaa propaganda hang on the walls of the room, machine
            guns rest idly against sofas,  blunts are passed around.
            We're talking Black Panthers here. A WHITE ACCOUNTANT counts
            money at a card table to the side of the room.

            The black teenager enters breathlessly.

                                BLACK TEENAGER
                      Hey, yo, we got ourselves a visitor.

            O.S., one of the BAAAD BROTHERS inquires.

                                BAAAD BROTHER (O.S.)
                      Who is it?

                                BLACK TEENAGER
                      It's some pimped out Hebrew dude in a

            The men scramble for their guns, inserting clips, and
            removing safeties. 

            The front doors bust open, and we DOLLY into the Hammer.

            All guns are trained on him. 

            From behind the frontline of gunmen, MOHAMMED, clearly the
            leader of the operation, pushes his way through.

            He walks towards the Hammer. You can feel the tension in the

                      The Hebrew Hammer! My main Kike! 

                      Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim. My main

            The two embrace in a warm hug. The White Accountant looks up
            in shock from the card table. His nametag is clearly visible,
            and it reads, "WHITE ACCOUNTANT." He points at Mohammed.

                                WHITE ACCOUNTANT
             just called him a Kike.

            He points to the Hammer. 

                                WHITE ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
                      And you. You just called him a Nigger.

            The Hammer and Mohammed look to one another. They're having a
            hard time understanding his concern.

                      Well it's okay when we call each other

            The White Accountant thinks it over for a second.

                                WHITE ACCOUNTANT

            The other Brothers put their guns down and go back to their
            pre-Hammer activities, and the accountant takes his place
            back at the card table.   

            Mohammed puts his arm around the Hammer.

                      So Morde-chai, tell me, what brings your
                      bad self down to the KLF?

                      I'm back on the job for the JDL. You hear
                      about that crazy white boy who took over
                      as Santa?

                      Oh, most definitely. Got the brothers
                      here in full alert mode.

            The Hammer looks over at the Brothers smoking weed, making
            out with their girlfriends, etc. Mohammed takes notice.

                                MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
                      Gotta always be cool under pressure. You
                      know what I'm sayin.

                      True dat. True dat. So, what's the word
                      on the street?

                      Word is that papa's got a brand new bag,
                      and it's velvety red, and it ain't gonna
                      be overnight Fed-Exed to Jerusalem. If
                      you know what I mean. 

            This clearly flies over the Hammer's yarmulke.

                      Actually, I...I don't. What does that

                      Oh. It means that Santa's gonna fuck
                      Hanukkah's shit up.

                      Not if I can help it. You got any
                      information for me?

                      I don't. But I know somebody who does.

                                                                 CUT TO:

            ANOTHER ROOM

            Mohammed escorts the Hammer through a love beaded doorway
            into a back room. Inside, JAMAL, a black elf, sits on a sofa.
            A blunt hangs from his mouth and his arms are wrapped around
            two GORGEOUS SISTERS. 

                                MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
                      Jamal, I'd like for you to meet the
                      Hebrew Hammer. 

            Jamal pulls his shades down slightly to get a better look.


                      I'd like for you to tell him what you
                      told me.

                      A'ight, a'ight, cool. Yo, it's like this.
                      That nigga Santy Claus be trippin'. First
                      that motherfucker kills his own pops,
                      then he start talkin' 'bout bustin a cap
                      in Hanukkah's ass. Next, the racist
                      motherfucker kick my ass out the
                      workshop, sayin' that there ain't no room
                      for no little colored elves like me. Can
                      you believe that shit? Yo, if it wasn't
                      for the arthritis in my joints, you best
                      believe that I'd be...

            Jamal makes the sideways gun holding gesture, and mock pulls
            the trigger.

                                JAMAL (CONT'D)
                      ...blam! blam! blam! Bustin' caps all up
                      in his ass. You know what I'm sayin'?

                      Is there anything else you can tell me?
                      His hangouts, his next move, anything?

            Jamal thinks for a second.

                      Well, come to think of it, there is one
                      thing. Before I left, I was packin' up my
                      shit and I overheard the nigga talkin' to
                      some business pahtnah or something. Sayin
                      that he'd meet him today at some joint
                      called Duke's. Round five o'clock if my
                      memory serves. When he got off the phone
                      and jetted, I scoped the room for some
                      jewelry, cash, whatevers. You know, a
                      severance package. Didn't find any
                      duckets, but I did snatch this.

            Jamal pulls out a matchbbok from his pocket. The front cover
            reads, "DUKE'S - WHERE SKIN IS IN." He hands it to the

                      Thanks little brother, you've been a big

                      Shit fool, ain't no thang. If it wasn't
                      for my real brothers here at the K.L.F.,
                      I'd be shining shoes at the train station
                      or getting my afro tossed up against a
                      velcro wall in some redneck bar
                      somewhere. I finally gots a place where I
                      belong. Fuck Christmas. I'm all about
                      smoking blunts and pimpin' bitches. I'm
                      all about Kwanzaa nigga!

            Mohammed and the Hammer head towards the door. 

                      He's new. He's still got a long way to go
                      before he understands the true meaning of

                      Thanks again Mo, you always deliver the

                      You watch your back Hammer. Hanukkah
                      might just be his first move. For all we
                      know Kwanzaa could be next. There's a lot
                      of brothers counting on you. If you

                      Okay, look. I'm going to work really,
                      really hard on this one. But, please stop
                      with the pressure. I'm already tense as
                      it is.

                      It's cool. It's cool. Aveenooh Shalom
                      Alechem, brother.

            Mohammed pounds his fist against his chest and then raises
            it. The Hammer returns the gesture. 

                      Alekem Salam.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            The Hammer's Caddy drives past a sneaky looking SALVATION
            NAVY GUY. We do your standard BLAXPLOITATION ZOOM into him as
            he begins to speak into the lapel of his uniform.


            Santa holds a walkie-talkie in hand and we the hear the voice
            of the Salvation Navy Guy. Although behind him hangs a banner
            reading, "SANTA'S WORKSHOP," the interior is a run down

                                SALVATION NAVY GUY (O.S.)
                      It's me. He's on his way.

                      Excellent. Everything is going as

            Santa puts the walkie-talkie down, and addresses somebody

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      With the Hebrew Hammer out of the
                      picture, Hanukkah will be nothing more
                      than a confusing and hard to pronounce
                      word. I want to thank you very much Jamal
                      for all of your help.

            We cut to the other side to reveal whom he's speaking to.
            Jamal, the same black 'elf' from the Kwanzaa Liberation Front
            sits at the table across from Santa.

                      Pfff. Shit nigga, ain't no thang. Hey, yo
                      Santy Claus, so does this mean that you
                      gonna make me an official elf now?

                      Can you believe this guy Tiny Tim?

            Santa looks over to TINY TIM. Unshaven, not so tiny anymore,
            and still on crutches, Tiny Tim's grown up since 'A Christmas
            Carol.' A common street thug. C'mon, did you seriously think
            that Scrooge would give free handouts to the Cratchit family

            Tiny Tim shrugs his shoulders.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Take a look around you Jamal. Do you see
                      any colored midgets in my workshop?

            A shot of a couple of the same elves from the conference room
            slaving away on the assembly line.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Your presence would be a disruption to
                      the utopian model of efficiency I've
                      created here.

                      That's some cold shit.

            The ELVES appear to be struggling with the speed at which the
            products move down the assembly line. The HEAD ELF steps out
            from the assembly line and addresses Santa.

                                HEAD ELF
                      Utopian model of efficiency my ass! Ever
                      since you took charge, this place has
                      been more like a sweatshop. 

            The other elves stop working and vocalize their agreement
            with the Head Elf. 

                                HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
                      We know our rights Santa! You're in
                      violation of the union regulations! We're
                      going on strike!

            The other elves shout out their approval. Santa takes it all
            in stride.

                      You know something, you're right.

            The Head Elf is taken aback by what seems to be a glimpse of
            compassion on Santa's part.

                                HEAD ELF

                      Yeah. This is a sweatshop. And since you
                      elves aren't willing to do the work, I
                      made arrangements to have some Taiwanese
                      children shipped over. And I might add, 
                      they're more than willing to work for

            Santa performs the two fingered whistle.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Come on in boys!

            A group of FIVE TAIWANESE BOYS file past Santa towards the
            assembly line.

            As each child passes Santa, he hands them each a bag of

            At the assembly line, the Taiwanese boys move like lightning
            as they gift wrap boxes clearly labeled "NIKEY," "KATHY LEE

            The elves, including Jamal, watch in amazement at their
            agility and efficiency.

            Defeated, they shuffle out of the workshop.

                                TINY TIM
                      So, what's our first plan of attack

                      While I was in Taiwan negotiating the
                      solution to our labor problems, I came
                      across a factory that illegally
                      manufactures the most addictive, Jewish
                      pride weakening substance on the planet.
                      I bought the entire plant. 

            Santa walks over to a FED-Y truck overflowing with large
            brown cardboard boxes marked 'PRODUCT.' 

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      I want you and your men to target every
                      young person in the Jewish neighborhoods
                      of every major city of this country. I
                      want you to flood their streets with this

                                TINY TIM
                      What should I charge?

                      Oh, that's the beauty of it. These are
                      free samples.

            Tiny Tim's curiosity is peaked.

                                TINY TIM
                      So what's in the boxes? Heroin? Cocaine?


            Santa slits open one of the boxes with a large knife and
            pulls out a VIDEOCASSETTE generically labeled, "It's A
            Wonderful Life."

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Bootleg copies of the Frank Capra
                      classic, 'It's A Wonderful Life.'

                                TINY TIM
                      That's some cold shit.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:

            EXT. DUKE'S BAR - DAY

            HARD CORE PUNK music pours out from the inside of the bar.
            The Hammer walks into frame and looks up at the sign. He
            curiously notes the ASTRO TURF spread across the pavement,
            and then makes his way for the front door.


            We DOLLY into the Hammer as he pushes open the WESTERN STYLE

            The MUSIC comes to a SCREECHING STOP. We HOLD ON HIS CU as he
            looks around.

            We cut to the other side to get a look at what he sees - A
            bar of about TEN SKINHEADS staring back at him dumbfounded.
            Skinhead paraphernalia adorns the walls.  

            The Hammer maintains his cool, takes a deep breath, and then
            walks towards the bar.

            We cut to a FLOOR LEVEL shot as his STAR OF DAVID SPURS
            jangle as he continues his walk to the bar.

            He steps up to the counter, where a SKINHEAD BARTENDER with a
            Manson-like swastika inked on his forehead studies him

                      Manischewitz. Straight up.

                                SKINHEAD BARTENDER
                      Usually we don't serve your kind. But
                      since you had the balls to walk in here,
                      Kike, I'll pour you one last drink before
                      we lynch you.

            The bartender reaches for a bottle of cherry flavored
            Manischewitz wine. The Hammer interrupts him by clearing his

                      Actually, can I have the black label?

            The Bartender eyeballs him, and then grabs the bottle of
            Black Label Manischewitz. He grabs a glass from the rack, and
            begins to pour.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      I figure if this is my last drink, you
                      might as well leave the bottle.

            The bartender stops pouring and places the bottle on the bar.

                                SKINHEAD BARTENDER
                      Be my guest.

                      Do you guys take Shekels? I just got back
                      from a trip in Israel, and all I've got
                      is a fistful of Shekels.

            He drops a fistful of Shekels on the bar. 

            A FEW SKINHEADS slowly begin to approach the bar.

            The Hammer picks up the bottle and begins to examine it.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      5733. That was a good year for me. 

            With one swift motion, the Hammer spins the bottle up to grab
            it by the neck, and thwacks the bartender on the head with

            All of the OTHER OCCUPANTS in the bar jump out of their
            seats, encircling the Hammer.

            We do a QUICK PUSH into the Hammer as he pulls out TWO SAWED
            OFF SHOTGUNS from underneath his coat.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Shabat Shalom, motherfuckers.

            He points his weapons, and we...

                                                                 CUT TO:


            A WIDE SHOT of the bar. The camera is STATIONARY. We hear the
            sound of SHOTGUNS BLASTING and then the sounds of intense
            FIGHTING. A few seconds of the fighting sounds pass.

            Suddenly, the front doors bust open and a few bloodied
            Skinheads fall out onto the ground, followed by the Hammer.
            He's untouched, and he carries the bottle of Manischewitz in
            one hand and a shotgun in the other. 

            He stops in the MIDGROUND, and pours the Manischewitz out on
            the astroturf lawn in a methodical manner.

            He approaches FOREGROUND, and pulls out something from his
            jacket pocket.

            We see a CU of the same matchbook the elf gave him. "DUKE'S -
            WHERE SKIN IS IN."

            He lights a match and tosses it over his shoulder. We hear
            the sounds of bursting flames. 

            The Hammer puts his sunglasses on, and walks straight past
            the camera.

            We pull back into a SPINNING OVERHEAD to reveal flames in the
            shape of the STAR OF DAVID burning on the lawn.

                                                          FADE TO BLACK.


            Curtis Mayfield's 'Pusherman' FADES UP, and we cut into a
            STILL PHOTO of Tiny Tim with his arms around two Hasidic boys
            in an a alley. The SCREEN DIVIDES INTO THIRDS as we see CU's
            of each character smiling. Stills are constantly replaced in
            time with the music. We see a still of MONEY BEING EXCHANGED,
            then HANDS BEING SHAKEN. Then a still of a VIDEOCASSETTE
            The music continues as we...

                                                                 CUT TO:

            INT. JEWISH HOME - DAY

            Maccabee, the same kid the Hammer gave the Hanukkah present
            to earlier in the film, sits glued to his television set.
            O.S. from the television we hear someone approximating Zuzu
            from the film 'It's A Wonderful Life' say...

                                TELEVISION SET
                      Papa, Papa! Mommy says that every time
                      you hear the sound of a bell ringing an
                      angel gets his wings!

            A JEWISH MOTHER calls to her son from O.S.

                                JEWISH MOTHER (O.S.)
                      Maccabee! It's time to light the menorah!

            Maccabee looks over his shoulder in disgust, and then CRANKS
            UP THE VOLUME on the film until all other sounds are drowned

                                                            CUT BACK TO:


            More STILLS depicting the sale and distribution of the

                                                                 CUT TO:


            A second ADDICT JEWISH CHILD is glued to his TV set. Drool
            slowly makes its way down his chin. He gets up, and we FOLLOW
            him into the living room where we find his PARENTS. His
            father reads a newspaper, while his mother is absorbed in her

                                ADDICT JEWISH CHILD
                      Mom, dad. How come you made me Jewish?

            His parents look to one another in absolute shock.

                                                            CUT BACK TO:


            More STILLS...

                                                                 CUT TO:


            An ADOLESCENT HASIDIC BOY backs his way through the front
            door into the kitchen. He's carrying an incredibly large
            CHRISTMAS TREE.

            We cut to a shot of HIS FAMILY, who watch this all go down as
            they sit at the kitchen table.  

            The Adolescent Hasid finally gets the tree into the house,
            and turns to see the rest of his family staring at him,
            mouths agape.

                                ADOLESCENT HASIDIC BOY
                      What? It's a Hanukkah bush.

            The family remains expressionless. 

            The glass in his mother's hand, slips from her grasp and
            shatters on the kitchen floor.


            The Hammer's Caddy cruises slowly down the street.


            Things definitely seem odd. The Hammer looks out his left
            window. TWO Hasidic CHILDREN decorate a giant Christmas tree
            on the street. 

            He looks to his right. A GROUP of HASIDIC kids sing Christmas

            The Hammer looks through his front windshield. A kid is
            standing right in the middle of the road! 

            The Hammer slams on his breaks, skidding to a stop just
            inches from the kid. It's Shlomo (remember the kid the Hammer
            helped with the Yarmulke earlier?), and he has a strange
            glazed look in his eyes. Shlomo holds a videocassette in his

            The Hammer steps out of the Caddy, leaving his car door open.
            We hear the annoying beep, beep, beep door ajar sound.

                      Shlomo, you okay?

                      Mommy says that every time you hear the
                      sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
                      his wings!


            The car door beeps again. The kid looks to it, and the Hammer
            follows his gaze.

                      Mommy says that every time you hear the
                      sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
                      his wings!

            The Hammer is baffled. He looks down at Shlomo's hand and
            spots the videocassette. He grabs it from him and examines at

                      Bootleg 'It's A Wonderful Life' from

            The Hammer inspects the tape a little longer, and then gives
            the label a huge lick.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Sixty five percent pure. Damn! People
                      could get hurt watching this shit.
                          (To Shlomo)
                      Come with me.

            A POV shot from inside the Hammer's trunk as it opens. Hammer
            stands with Shlomo. 

            Inside the trunk we see a box of videos. The three on top
            read, "Fiddler On The Roof," "Yentl," and "Chaim Potok's The
            Chosen." The Hammer grabs a copy of the Chosen and hands it
            to Shlomo.

                      Chaim Potok's The Chosen?

                      Get yourself home and watch this as soon
                      as possible.

            A HASIDIC KID ON A BIKE with a Christmas tree in tow rides
            past the two. One of the ornaments makes a tinkling sound.

                      Mommy says that every time you hear the
                      sound of a bell ringing, an angel gets
                      his wings!

            The Hammer slaps him out of his spell.

                      Hey, hey, hey! You can beat this. Now get


            The Hammer dials a number on the payphone. As he dials, he
            verbalizes the number he's calling.


            The Hammer struggles with the last number, but then quickly

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)

            It rings once, and then we hear the other line pick up. 


            The Chief's on the other end.


                      Chief, it's me. Listen carefully. I need
                      for the Worldwide Jewish Media Conspiracy
                      to mass produce video copies of every
                      Hollywood movie ever made featuring a
                      positive Jewish protagonist as its lead.

                      You mean you want us to make copies of
                      Yentl, Fiddler On The Roof, and Chaim
                      Potok's The Chosen?

                      That'll work. Get them out to the Jewish
                      community stat. We got an epidemic on our

                      We're on it Hammer. How'd you do with

                      It was a trap. I'm back at square one.

                      Well, then I've got good news for you. We
                      just got word that he'll be making an
                      appearance at the Mall Of America today.
                      I'm sending Esther to meet you there at

                      Good thinking. We'll disguise ourselves
                      as a Gentile couple to pass undetected.
                      Now that he thinks I'm dead, this should
                      be a piece of homentashen.

                      One last thing Hammer. You take care of
                      yourself. The...

            We cut back to the Hammer on the payphone. He holds the
            receiver away from his ear. He doesn't want to hear this.

                      The fate of Hanukkah. Right. Right. Yeah,
                      Got it. Will do. Okay, bye now.

            He hangs up and leaves.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:

            INT. MALL OF AMERICA - DAY

            'Merry Christmas' decorations and signage dominate the
            landscape of the establishing shot of the Mall.

            Tiny Tim, walkie-talkie in hand, surveys this Christmas
            Wonderland with smug satisfaction. He spots a small, barely
            visible Hanukkah decoration poking out from beneath one of
            the other Christmas decorations. 

            He rips it from the wall and tosses it into a small trashcan

            Tiny Tim speaks into his the walkie-talkie. 

                                TINY TIM
                      One partridge in a pear tree to two
                      turtle doves. What's your status?

                                                                 CUT TO:


            Two adult sized Santa's Helpers, TONY AND MIKEY stand with
            walkie-talkies behind the nightclub velvet ropes, and hold
            back the throngs (15-20 extras) of screaming children
            attempting to make their way past the red curtain to see
            Santa. A huge 'Citizen Kane'/Big Brother style poster with a
            menacing picture of Santa looms behind them. It reads, "SANTA

            Santa's staging area is very Studio 54. Both Tony and Mikey
            are decked out in Addidas warm up pants, gold chains, etc.
            Tony, very Guido in his mannerisms, replies into his

                      Nothing stirring here.

            A little BLONDE GENTILE GIRL tugs on Tony's sleeve.

                                BLONDE GENTILE GIRL
                      Can I be next? Please, please!

                      Let's get a look at you, shall we.

            The Gentile Girl pulls her Power Muff Girls T-shirt down,
            allowing the two to get a better look at it.

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      A power muff girls T. Very nice.
                      Alright, now spin around.

            She twirls for the two.

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      Very nice! Alright. You're cool. Go on
                      and see Santa, sunshine.

            A pushy, FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY steps out of line and
            approaches the two.

                                FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY
                      That's not fair! How come she gets to go
                      next? We were here first!

                      Oh really! Is that a fact? Well guess
                      what buddy? You ain't gettin' in to see
                      Santa today, so why don't you just turn
                      around and high tail it home.

            The kid begins to sob uncontrollably.

                                FRECKLE FACED GENTILE BOY
                      But I've been waiting to see Santa all

            Tony apes him.

                      But I've been waiting to see Santa all

            The kid is a pathetic mess.

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      You heard me. Get moving punk!

                                                                 CUT TO:

            The Hammer and Esther scope out the area. The Hammer is
            disguised terribly, consisting of a baseball hat on top of
            his Shtreml, and a Jesus Fish T-shirt worn over his black
            suit. Esther's visibly nervous.

                      Any sign of Santa?

                      He must be behind that curtain. Relax.
                      We're undercover. We need to give off the
                      appearance of calm. You see Esther, the
                      trick to undercover work is to try and
                      blend in. Act as a Gentile would.

            The two pass a samples booth. The FREE SAMPLES WOMAN solicits
            the Hammer.  

                                SAMPLES WOMAN
                      Could I interest you in a free sample
                      bacon cheeseburger? 

            We get a CU of the burger followed by a CU of the Hammer.
            He's mortified, but he pulls it together.

                      While I thank you, Gentile friend, for
                      your generous offer of that deliciously
                      unkosher snack, I sadly have to decline
                      for I stuffed myself full of meat and
                      milk product at a prior lunch engagement.

            The Sample Woman looks at him strangely as the Hammer and
            Esther walk on.

                      You're good.

            The two take their place at the end of the line in to see

            Tony performs the two fingered whistle.

                      Can I have everyone's attention please.
                      In fifteen minutes, Santa's gonna have to

            The kids all vocalize their disappointment.

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      Ah, don't be like that kids. We gotta lot
                      work to do if we're gonna get all those
                      presents out in time.

            The kids aren't buying it. More boos and protests of

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      Hey! Hey! You want shitty ass presents
                      for Christmas? You want Barbies with
                      heads screwed on backwards? You want
                      remote control cars without the batteries
                      included. Then be my fucking guest!

            Tony spits and grabs his crotch as he turns back around to
            take his place in front of the velvet ropes.

            Esther surveys their place in line. It's about fifteen deep.

                      What are we going to do? We're at least
                      an hour from the front.

                      C'mon follow me.

            The two make their way up to the front of the line. They pass
            a man who looks eerily like ex-rapping god, MC HAMMER.

                          (To Hammer)
                      Is that...? No, couldn't be.

                      Hey, hey! Not so fast.

                      We have to get through. It's an

                      Sorry pal, you're gonna have to wait in
                      line just like all the other parents.

            Esther adjusts her bust. She's incredibly sexy in her tight
            fitting denim jacket. She smiles flirtatiously at the Elves.

                      We're so sorry to have to cut, but our
                      beautiful Gentile boy ran on ahead of us
                      in line.

            She puts her hand on Tony's bicep and smiles once again.

                                ESTHER (CONT'D)
                      It would mean so much to Paul and I if
                      you'd let us through to see Santa.

            Tony is putty in her hands.

                      Well...umm, when you put it that way.
                      Sure go on through.

            Tony unhinges the rope, and the two pass. The Hammer leans
            over to Esther.

                      You're good!

                                                                 CUT TO:


            JIMMY, an adorable six year old sits on Santa's lap. Santa's
            assistants, two busty blondes named BAMBI and TAWNI, flank
            his chair. 

                      And what do the Jewish people do during

                      They worship the devil and sacrifice
                      small Gentile children like me in
                      bizarre, sadistic rituals.

                      That's right. Santa can tell that you've
                      been a very good boy this year. Run along
                      now Jimmy.

            Bambi and Tawni escort Jimmy out, and re-enter with Esther
            and the Hammer. Santa's confused.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Sorry folks, I don't do couples.

                      If you keep your mouth shut and come with
                      me, you won't get hurt.

                      Excuse me? Do I know you, friend? Take a
                      look around you. Do you even know who I

            The Hammer rips off his baseball hat and T-shirt. Santa

                      Let me guess, you're the goy who stole

                      The Hebrew Hammer! You're alive.

            The Hammer takes out his gun and points it Santa.

                      What's your shpiel, Santa? 

                      Whoa, whoa there. C'mon Mordechai, is
                      this any way to treat an old family
                      friend? Let's cut out all the
                      unpleasantness. I admit, I went way
                      overboard with the whole Hanukkah thing.
                      Let me make it up to you. How about a
                      peace offering?
                          (To Bambi and Tawni)

            Santa snaps his fingers, and Bambi and Tawni drape themselves
            on either side of the Hammer, rubbing his arms erotically.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Bambi. Tawni. I'd like for you to meet
                      world renown Semitic super stud,
                      Mordechai Jefferson Carver. 

            Bambi speaks with a thick Southern drawl.

                      Oh, I declare I just love Jewish men.
                      They're so sensitive and well read.

            Esther is clearly jealous.

            The Hammer's enjoying the attention. He looks down at Bambi's
            breasts. We're talking HUGE, obviously augmented boobolas. A
            large crucifix chain hangs around her neck, nestled in
            between the mounds of silicone. We hear the requisite DING as
            it sparkles.

            The Hammer is released from the sexual spell of the Gentile

                      Sorry Santa. I like my women like my
                      matzah. Unleavened. 

            The girls move away from the Hammer. Esther smiles at the
            Hammer's resolve.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      This is where you go down.

            Suddenly, Tony draws the curtain back.

                      Hey, hurry it up in there. We gotta bunch
                      of kids...

            He sees the Hammer with his gun pointed at Santa's head.

                                TONY (CONT'D)
                      Oh shit!

            Esther pulls out her piece and points it at Tony.

                      Back it up buddy!

            He does. The entire crowd of children can now see what's
            happening. Hushed, fearful whispers. MC Hammer steps out of
            line and pleads...

                                MC HAMMER
                      Please Hammer, don't hurt em'!

            The Hammer does a double take. MC Hammer gives a "Did I just
            say that?" expression.

                      Let's do this clean. I don't want to make
                      a scene Santa.

            Santa stands up slowly with his hands raised.

                      Well, it's a bit too late for that now,
                      isn't it? Excuse me children, if I could
                      have your attention for a moment.

                      What are you doing?

                      I'm just calming the kiddies. 
                          (To children)
                      There's no need to worry about Santa.
                      He's just having a peaceful, adult
                      conversation with his nice Jewish friend,
                      The Hebrew Hammer.

            The Hammer plays along, raising his hand to keep the children

                      Hey everybody. How's it hangin'?

                      In fact, he's just informed me that he
                      personally plans on cancelling Christmas
                      this year. 

            The Hammer and Esther look to one another. This riles the
            masses. Trouble.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Why don't we show him how that makes us

                                                                 CUT TO:


            We hold a few beats on a shot of this fairly untrafficked
            portion of the mall. 

            Suddenly, Esther and the Hammer haul ass around the corner,
            running for their lives.

            A second or two pass, and an ANGRY MOB of about twenty
            Gentile children round the corner after them. They're
            definitely not in the Christmas spirit.

            The Hammer and Esther take another turn. From the other
            direction a SECOND MOB OF CHILDREN head straight at them. 

            The Hammer spots another corridor in front of them.


            They run about a hundred yards before they hit a wall. A dead
            end! O.S. we can hear the throng of children nearing in the

                                THRONG (O.S.)
                      Where'd they go? I saw them go down that
                      hallway. C'mon, let's get em'!

            Hammer turns to Esther defeated.

                      It's over. We're doomed.

            The barely audible sound of a gospelized version of the 
            Biblical slave song, "Let My People Go" sounds as if it's
            coming from within the walls of the mall. 

                      Shh. Shh, listen. Do you hear that?

            The Hammer tries to place the source.

                      What is that? 

            Suddenly, a panel on the wall slides open to reveal a door.
            The other side of the door is dark, but it has a cavernous
            feel to it.

            An elderly Jewish woman, HARRIET TUBBELMAN, appears from out
            of the doorway. She smokes a corncob pipe.

                                HARRIET TUBBELMAN
                      Psst. Hammer, Esther. This way. Hurry! 

            Harriet escorts the two into the passageway, and the door
            slides shut behind them.


            We appear to be in what looks like the loading dock for an
            'It's A Small World After All' type water ride. 

            Harriet leads Esther and the Hammer into one of the waiting
            cars. The cars kind of have a baby Moses straw basket theme
            going on. The 'Let My People Go' song, piped from unseen
            speakers, is now at full strength.

                      You saved our lives. Thank you. How can I
                      ever repay you...?

                                HARRIET TUBBELMAN
                      ...My name is Harriet Tubbelman, but you
                      can call me Moses. The only payment I ask
                      Mordechai, is that you keep Hanukkah safe
                      for us all.

            She hands each of them a ticket and then lowers the lap
            restraints for Hammer and Esther, testing them to make sure
            they're secure.

                                HARRIET TUBBELMAN (CONT'D)
                      You should be safe from here on out. Just
                      follow the river to it's conclusion.

            She begins to walk away, but then catches herself as she
            turns back to face them.

                                HARRIET TUBBELMAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh yeah, and keep your arms and legs
                      inside the water craft at all times.

                      Where are we? What is this place?

            She smiles with great pride.

                                HARRIET TUBBELMAN
                      Welcome to the Underground Jewish
                      Railroad. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy
                      the ride.

            The brakes on the water craft release, and the craft makes it
            way from the loading dock.

            Wide eyed, Esther and Hammer check out their surroundings.

            Hasidic Animatronic puppets sing of thousands of years of
            Jewish oppression and persecution in an educational, yet
            oddly entertaining way. 

            The Hammer puts his arm around Esther and continues to check
            out the attraction in wonderment. 

            Esther secretly glances at him affectionately. It's clear
            she's falling for him. 

            We cut to a wide shot as we watch the craft disappear down
            the river. A funkdafied version of the "Let My People Go"
            song FADES UP and over the gospel version from the ride.

            EXT. ALLEY - DAY

            We see a non-descript door in the middle of a brick wall. Two
            turnstiles stand directly in front of the door. We can hear
            the muffled sounds of the gospel version of "Let My People
            Go." Scribbled on the wall is the graffiti phrase, "HANUKKAH

            The door opens, and the obnoxiously loud music spills out
            into the street. The Hammer and Esther exit, close the door,
            and push their way past the turnstiles into the alley. 

                      That got annoying fairly quickly.

                      Yeah, no kidding.

            A CARNIVAL WORKER stands behind a makeshift 'Underground
            Jewish Railroad' booth. 

                                CARNIVAL WORKER
                      Tickets please.

            The two hand the Carnival Worker their tickets.

                                CARNIVAL WORKER (CONT'D)
                      Thanks for riding the Underground Jewish
                      Railroad. If you plan on returning today,
                      please make sure to get you hands stamped
                      before you leave the alley.

                      Nah, we're kosher. Thanks though.

            The two walk past him. Esther turns to the Hammer.

                      So, now what?

                      Now we wait for Santa to make his next

            He gives her a once over. She is stunning.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Want to get a drink?

                      Sure. Why not.


            Your typical Blaxploitation bar. It could easily pass for the
            Lenox Lounge in Harlem, with the exception of the large
            menorah shaped sign out front.


            We see a bar packed with ORTHODOX JEWS. A WALL separating the
            men and women in the bar runs along the center of the room,
            stopping about ten feet from the stage. Signs clearly
            demarcate these 'MEN' and 'WOMEN' sections.

            Onstage, a KLEZMER band plays a rendition of a to be
            determined 70's funk classic.

            Esther and the Hammer enter the joint. Mid song, the
            BANDLEADER notices the two walk in...

                      Hey! The Hebrew Hammer everybody!

            The Hammer raises his hand in acknowledgment. The entire bar
            cheers and applauds.

            Hammer escorts Esther to a table on the woman's side of the
            wall, and then walks around to the other side of the divider
            where he takes a seat opposite the wall from her.

            The band begins a rousing version of "Hava Nagila." A good
            majority of the men in the bar rush to the dance floor and
            begin dancing zealously with one another.

            Esther shouts over the wall in an attempt to overcome the din
            of the bar.

                      So, do you come here often!?

            The Hammer struggles to hear. He shouts back to her.

                      What was that!?

                      I said, do you come here often!?

                      Oh. Yeah, about once a week!


                      I said, yeah, about once a week!


            A HASIDIC BAR PATRON approaches the Hammer and smiles.

                                HASIDIC BAR PATRON
                      Would you like to dance?

            We get another shot of the men dancing together, arm in arm, 
            on the dance floor.

                      I'm okay right now. Thanks though.

            As the Patron leaves, JOSHUA, another Hasidic man standing
            directly behind him takes his place at the Hammer's table.

                      Hey Morty, wanna cut a rug?

                      Nah, I'm good. I'm kind of here with

            The Hammer motions to the wall. Joshua looks as if his
            feelings are hurt.

                      Oh. Okay. Maybe next time.

                      Yeah. Maybe next time Joshua. Take it

            As Joshua leaves, we get a WIDER shot of the Hammer's table.
            A LONG LINE OF MEN leads up to it.

            CHAIM FEYGELE, an effeminate slick Hasidic man, chest hair
            spilling out of his loosely buttoned butterfly collar shirt,
            neck dripping with gold chains, steps up to the Hammer. He's
            got a huge phoney smile plastered across his face. 

                                CHAIM FEYGELE
                      Well Shalom there mister!

                      Do we know each other?

                                CHAIM FEYGELE
                      No, but we have mutual friends.

            Chaim points to the dance floor. Another shot of men dancing
            with one another, arm in arm.

                                CHAIM FEYGELE (CONT'D)
                      The name's Feygele. Chaim Feygele.

            This guy is clearly making the Hammer nervous.

                      Mordechai. My friends call me Morty.

                                CHAIM FEYGELE
                      So Morty, I just love a man in a black
                      suit. Care to dance.

            Mordechai is flustered.

                      Uhhh. You know, I...have to go to the
                      bathroom. I'll be right back.

            The Hammer gets up quickly and leaves.

            We cut to Esther's side of the wall. The Hammer walks behind
            her while she checks out the band on stage.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Hey there.

            She turns around, pleasantly surprised.


                      Do you want to get out of here? 

            She looks relieved.

                      I would love to get out of here.


            A smooth, laid back Blaxploitation era song pumps from the
            speakers. We do a SLOW PAN from the stereo into a TIGHT SHOT
            of Esther and the Hammer slow dancing. Sexy. Esther grunts
            and moans a bit. 

            We begin a SLOW ZOOM back from the two, eventually pulling
            back far enough to see what Esther's moaning about. The
            Hammer is a seriously terrible dancer, stepping on her toes,
            forcing her into awkward positions, etc. 

            We see a CU of the Hammer accidentally stepping on her toes
            yet again.


            Esther pulls herself away from the Hammer.

                      Sorry. I'm better with men.

                      Maybe we should try a different kind of

                      You mean like disco dancing or doing the
                      funky chicke...Oh. I get it.

            We see a TIGHT MEDIUM SHOT of Esther. Her erect nipples are
            clearly outlined through her blouse. Now, the Hammer's really
            getting it.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Now we're talking Boobola.


                      Yes Esther.

                      I want you to talk dirty to me.

                      Oh. Okay.

            He thinks for a moment.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      I want to have lots of children by you.
                      Get a good paying, stable job. Settle
                      down in Long Island somewhere. Someplace
                      nice. Fancy. But not fancy schmancy. 

            She's warming up. 

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      I want for our children to go to private
                      schools and take music lessons. Little
                      Abraham will go to Stanford for college,
                      Batya will go Ivy League, maybe Vassar.

                      Keep going.

                      Afterwards they'll make the decision as
                      to whether or not they'd like to continue
                      their religious studies in Israel.
                      Because, hey, after all we'll have
                      practiced the highly effective assertive
                      democratic style of child rearing,
                      sprinkled with a healthy dose of

            She's on fire for him.

                      Oh god, yes! Keep going! Don't stop!

                      Also, on a daily basis, I want you to
                      tell me what to do, where to do it, and
                      how I should live my life.

                      Kiss me you Semitic stud!

            She grabs him and kisses him passionately. 

                                ESTHER (CONT'D)
                      Hmm. I feel something poking around down
                      there. Maybe I should investigate. What
                      do you think about that Mr. Certified
                      Circumcised Dick?

            She begins to unzip his pants. We cut to a shot of an excited
            Mordechai as we hear the sound of the unzipping of his pants
            reach its conclusion. 

            A CU on her as she looks down at his Jewish Manhood. A wide
            eyed, almost shocked reaction. She slowly looks back to him
            and smiles slyly.

                                ESTHER (CONT'D)
                      Shabat Shalom!

            As the two embrace, we RACK FOCUS from the two of them in the
            BG to the Hanukkah candles burning brightly on the menorah in
            the FG. We blur out of focus.

                                                            DISSOLVE TO:


            The sun rises over the city.


            We start close on the Hammer's hand as he screws a light bulb
            into his electric Menorah until it glows orange.

            Esther caresses the Hammer's chest as the two enjoy a post
            coital cigarette. 

                      Wow, that was amazing.

            The Hammer gives her ass a smack, and then picks up a
            container filled with some kind of WHITE POWDER.
            He snorts a bit of it off of the Star Of David chain that
            hangs from his neck, and places the container of white powder
            back in its place by the menorah.

            Esther is mortified.

                                ESTHER (CONT'D)
                      What did you just snort?

                      Antihistamine. It's for my allergies. The
                      capsules make me gassy.

            She relaxes. 

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      You know, I've been thinking about what
                      Santa's got planned for us next. Maybe

            She cuts him off.

                      Your mother was right. You do work too

                      Oh, she said that, did she? What else did
                      Mommy Dearest have to say?

                      Well, she also said that you need to find
                      a nice girl to help take your mind off of
                      your work. I'm just glad she thought I
                      was good enough for you.

            The Hammer sits up.

                      When did you guys have this conversation?
                      When I was in the bathroom? What else did
                      she have to say?

                      Relax Morty, I think your mom is
                      wonderful. She cares so much about you.
                      Get this, while you were gone she said
                      she'd help me get you to work with the
                      JDL if I'd come eat by you once in
                      awhile. Like I needed any incentive to be
                      with you. She's so...

            The Hammer goes into a fit.

                      What? You made a deal with my mother to
                      sleep with me if I'd help you?!

                      No. Of course...

                      What does that make you? What does that
                      make me? And my mother. What does that
                      make her?

            He makes a realization.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Oh my god. She's become my pimp. And
                      she's whoring her bitch-son out to the
                      highest bidder. 

                      No. It's not like that. You're being
                      completely neurotic. I was just playing

            He thinks aloud.

                      Always meddling in my life. This is so
                      typical of her.
                          (To Esther)
                      But from you? I thought we had something
                      good here.

                      We do!

                      I'm sorry Esther, I just don't think we
                      can see each other romantically anymore.

            The phone RINGS, and the Hammer picks it up.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Hammer here.

            We WIPE INTO SPLIT SCREEN. The Chief is on the other end.

                      Hammer, it's the Chief. We've got
                      ourselves a situation. Get yourself down
                      here, I've got something you need to see.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            The Star Of David vault-like doors open, and the Hammer and
            Esther hurriedly enter the room. The Chief waits for them. 

                      Mordechai. Thank god you're here.

                      What's up?

                      About an hour ago, we received this
                      transmission from the North Pole.

            He clicks a button on a remote control, and static fills the
            GIANT TELECOMMUNICATIONS SCREEN, eventually fading into the
            image of a larger then life SANTA. 

                      And now my Hanukkah loving friends, I
                      will reveal to you the true nature of my
                      diabolical scheme.

            An image of a GIANT CLOCK in the shape of a Star Of David. 

                                SANTA (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                      The Jewish Atomic clock, located in the
                      outskirts of Jerusalem. Keeper of time
                      for the Jewish Calendar. Powered by
                      Judeum. An element so rare, it exists
                      only inside the clock itself.

            We TILT down to reveal a BLUE GLOWING SUBSTANCE in its base.

            Santa comes back on screen.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Once I extract the Judeum from the clock,
                      the Jewish Calendar will cease to exist,
                      forever eradicating Hanukkah. In less
                      than twenty four hours, which by your
                      Jewish Calendar is approximately...

            He struggles with this one. He looks at someone O.S. at the
            North Pole.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                          (To someone at North Pole)
                      Can I borrow that pen and notepad?

            A notepad and pen are handed to him from O.S. Santa makes
            some written calculations on the notepad. He's clearly having

            The Hammer and Esther exchange looks.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Four years and three quarters a lunar
                          (Shifting back into psycho
                      Well, whatever! In less than twenty four
                      Christian hours, Hanukkah will be nothing
                      more than a fond memory. Tiny Tim.

            Tiny Tim hobbles into frame on his crutches.

                                TINY TIM
                      Merry Christmas everybody, and god bless
                      us, everyone.

            The two laugh hysterically.

                       End transmission.

            The transmission, however, doesn't end. The two abruptly stop
            laughing. Santa begins to talk to TINY TIM. 

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      So, how was I?

                                TINY TIM 
                      It was good. Very chilling, but you still
                      got all the points across that we talked

                      Really? Good, good. 

            We cut to more confused reactions of the Hammer and Esther.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      I wasn't too over the top?

                                TINY TIM
                      No, it was the perfect level.

                      Thanks. Oh, did I tell you. I picked up
                      that new KC and the Sunshine Band record
                      that you recommended. You were right, it
                      is good. 

            Santa looks towards the camera and begins to react strangely.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                          (To O.S. Cameraman)
                      Why is the red light on the camera still
                      on? Are you still filming me!? 

            Santa approaches the camera.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      You fucking ass...

            Static fills the screen.

            The Hammer turns to the Chief.

                      Looks like I got a plane to catch.

                      Take Esther with you, you'll need the

                      No way, it's too dangerous. Besides, my
                      days of hooking are over.

                      You're not my bitch Mordechai. Please,
                      you have to believe me.

                      Did I miss something here?

                      It's a long story. I'll explain when I
                      get back from saving the clock. 

            He turns his attention to Esther.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)

            The Hammer exits. Esther is dejected.

                      Tail him. He's gonna need the help.

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            A STOCK FOOTAGE shot of an airplane landing. SUPERIMPOSED
            OVER THE IMAGE are the words, "BEN GURION AIRPORT - ISRAEL."

                                ISRAELI WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
                      Shalom. Welcome to the Ben Gurion
                      airport. For ground transportation,
                      please proceed to Terminal 18. 

            We cut to the Hammer who's watching this stock footage of the
            airplane landing on a TELEVISION SET by the "CHERTZ" car
            rental counter. 


            The Hammer approaches the counter where a female ISRAELI
            RENTAL AGENT stands waiting. 

                      Do you speak English?

                                ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
                      Yes. Chello.

            The Ch sound she makes is accompanied by a whole lot of
            spittle. The Hammer wipes his face, and then returns the


            She's unfazed. The Hammer continues.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      I need to rent your biggest Cadillac.
                      Preferably lowered, with white wall

            She checks her rental sheet.

                                ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
                      I'm so sorry sir, but somebody just
                      rented our last Chadillac.

            She nails him again. Seriously annoyed, he wipes his face
            clean once more. 

                      Well what else do you have?

                                ISRAELI RENTAL AGENT
                      Well, we do have a Ch...

            The Hammer puts his hand up as a shield and cuts her off

                      Whatever it is, I'll take it.

                                                                 CUT TO:


            70's road music occupies the soundtrack as we see a shot of
            the fast moving pavement of the open road. Slowly, we PULL
            BACK to reveal the Hammer throttling a monstrous HARLEY

            The Hammer's Talis flaps wildly in the wind. His Shtreml
            helmet is strapped on tight over his goggles.  

            The scenery, oddly enough, resembles the Mojave Desert. 

            We cut to a sign reading "THE WEST BANK PALMS: A GATED
            COMMUNITY. COMING SOON!" On it, we see an illustration of a
            housing compound surrounded by a remarkable amount of BARBED

            We PAN over to the highway as the Hammer zips past on his


            The Hammer, unaware of her presence, speeds by her large
            Cadillac. She puts the car into gear. 


            Tucked out of sight behind a billboard, Esther pulls off from
            her side of the road and onto the highway in pursuit of the
            Hammer. And yes, the car is lowered, with white walled tires.

            The camera makes it way up to reveal a large ROADSIDE
            BILLBOARD ARROW, resembling the ones you might see
            advertising casinos on the drive into Vegas announces "THE
            JEWISH ATOMIC CLOCK. 20 Kilometers." 

                                                                 CUT TO:


            From the outside the J.A.C has the appearance of an
            observatory. For no apparent reason, a small MOTORCYCLE RAMP
            sits near the front door. 

            A single Fed-Y truck pulls into the dirt parking lot.

            A gang of THUG ELVES spill out of the back of the truck as a
            S.W.A.T. team would. 

                                HEAD ELF
                      Go, go, go!

            The Head Elf jumps out, and out of frame.

                                                                 CUT TO:

            An ELF FLUNKY stand by a SMALL MOTORCYCLE RAMP, studying it
            curiously. The Head Elf walks into frame.

                                HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
                      What's this doing here?

                                ELF FLUNKY
                      Not sure. I think it was left over from
                      an Israeli Robbie Kneivel television
                      special. You want me to get rid of it? 

                                HEAD ELF
                      No time. Besides, it's not like someone's
                      gonna jump their motorcycle into the
                      building while we're inside.

            The HEAD THUG ELF points up towards the sky.

                                HEAD ELF (CONT'D)
                      There's Santa now.

            The Thug Elves look up to the sky, and we do an OVERHEAD PUSH
            DOWN ON THEM as helicopter force winds blow their hats off. 

            The carriage of SANTA'S SLEIGH touches down on the ground. 

            Tiny Tim sits shotgun in the sleigh while Santa vomits
            violently over the other side. Santa finishes up, and wipes
            his mouth with his hand.

                                TINY TIM
                      You okay?

                      No. I'm airsick you asshole! Where the
                      hell did these reindeer learn to fly?

                                TINY TIM
                      I don't know. Why don't you ask them sir.

            Santa takes this in.

                                                                 CUT TO:

            Santa paces as a Drill Sargent would in front of the line of
            harnessed reindeer. They're shivering in their hooves.

                      Who's the leader of this operation?

            More scared reindeer faces. Comet furtively motions towards
            Rudolph with his antlers. Santa sees this, marches quickly up
            to Rudolph, and gets in his face.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      What's your major malfunction, dumbfuck!?

            Rudolph's scared shitless.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Step forward son!

            Rudolph attempts to move forward, but the harness attachments
            prevent him from doing so.

                                TINY TIM
                      Uh, he can't sir. The harnesses.

            You can feel the Robert Deniro-esque intensity boiling inside
            of Santa.

                      You gonna learn to guide this sled right?
                      You gonna make sure your men follow suit?
                      Because if I'm puking down chimneys come
                      Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have your hide.
                      We clear?

            Rudolph shakes his head. The bells on his harness tinkle.

            Santa continues to stare down the reindeer as he walks away.
            Rudolph is clearly broken, but continues staring back at
            Santa as he makes his way out of frame. The expression on
            Rudolph's face changes from fear to insolence as he angrily
            follows the O.S. Santa.

            Suddenly, Santa charges right back into frame, and places his
            drawn gun to Rudolph's temple.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      You eyeballin' me son!?

            Rudolph quickly looks away. Santa puts his gun back into his
            belt, and then adjusts his suit and hat as if to regain his

            Without warning, Santa throws a fake punch at Rudolph's face,
            forcing the reindeer to flinch.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      I didn't think so.


            Santa and his gang bust through the front doors, taking the
            TWO GUARDS by surprise. 

            Santa's men quickly tie them up and duct tape their mouths
            shut as if out of 'Gulliver's travels.' The guards are
            dragged away out of frame.

            Santa steps towards camera and surveys the room.

                      The Jewish Atomic Clock.

            It's the kind of place where a giant telescope at an
            observatory would be housed. The clock is breathtaking in its
            size. On its face, in place of the standard numerals are the
            names of Jewish holidays. For example, "Yom Kipur" is where
            the twelve should be, followed by "Passover", etc. In the
            center of the face, an odometer-like gauge reveals the year
            '5734.' At its base, the brilliant blue Judeum glows

            Santa barks out orders.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Get moving! We've got work to do!

            One of the thugs pushes play on a ghetto blaster and the song
            'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' begins to play.

            A few of the thugs insert a bicycle pump into the Judeum
            clock base and begin pumping.


            The Hammer is moments away from the J.A.C. compound. He spots
            the motorcycle ramp, and then guns his engine. He's close!


            Inside, Santa and his thugs hear the sound of the Chopper
            growing in strength. The ROAR of the engines is piercingly
            loud! And then nothing.

            A beat passes, and then the Hammer's motorcycle busts open
            the front door. 

            An INSERT of the Hammer's bike skidding to a stop. 

            As Santa goes for his gun, the Hammer interrupts him...

                      Uh. Can you just give me one second?

            Santa is confused.

            Still on the bike, the Hammer uses his feet to backpeddle the
            motorcycle to the doorway. Looks of bewilderment from Santa
            and his gang.

            The Hammer reaches the doorway and kisses his hand. A John
            Wooish SLO-MO shot as the Hammer touches his hand to the
            mezuzah nailed to the doorframe. 

            The Hammer jumps off the bike, and we get the requisite QUICK
            push in on him as he pulls out two Uzi's from under his

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Let's dance the hora!

            Santa draws a pistol, and with a single shot from his Uzi,
            the Hammer blows it out of his hand. 

            It lands on the other side of the room. Santa looks up from
            his empty hand.

                      Get him boys!

            Santa's Elf Thugs open a CHEST filled with LARGE SUB-MACHINE
            GUNS. The chest is labeled "HEAVY ARTILLERY." With great
            difficulty, they struggle to pull the heavy machinery out of
            the box. 

            The Hammer, mildly amused, watches them.

            The Hammer blasts away, and the elves scramble for safety.
            The sound of gunfire is deafening and constant.

            An Elf sneaks quietly towards Santa's gun.

            Esther walks in through the front door and spots something
            O.S. that gives her cause for concern.

            Unbeknownst to the Hammer, the SNEAKY ELF picks up Santa's
            gun.  He raises it at the Hammer, ready to fire.

                      Mordechai! Behind you!

            The Hammer turns and nails the elf just in time.

            Esther, gun drawn, backs up into frame with the Hammer, and
            the two fire off rounds.

                      What are you doing here?

                      Mordechai, I love you. I couldn't let you
                      do this alone.

                      I love you too. I'm sorry about freaking
                      out yesterday. I was wrong.

                      I forgive you.

                      Go check on the clock. I'll finish up

            We do another QUICK PUSH into the Hammer as he turns towards
            Tiny Tim.

            Tiny Tim, standing alone with his crutches tucked under his
            arms, looks like a deer caught in headlights.

            The Hammer grins mischievously.

                                TINY TIM
                      Uh oh.

            The Hammer begins firing.

            In SLOW-MOTION, Tiny Tim hobbles as fast as he can towards an
            overturned table, gunfire trailing him.
            Like a pole vaulter with two poles, Tiny Tim plants his
            crutches firmly into the ground and launches himself over the

            He lands directly on top of Santa, who cowers underneath the

                      Get off of me you cripple!

                                TINY TIM
                      What are we gonna do? He's got us on the

            We DOLLY BACK with the Hammer as he approaches the camera,
            firing rounds at the table.

            We cut to the duct taped Hasidic Guards tied to their chairs.
            One of them frantically nudges the other and motions to the
            window. Fear fills both of their eyes.

            We see what they see. Through the window, the SUN is quickly
            setting behind the mountains.

            We cut back to the Hammer. The speed with which he shoots
            begins to slow.

            Esther, checking the clock for damage calls to him. 

                      What's the matter?

                      I don't know. I'm feeling kind of tired.

            We cut back to Santa and Tiny Tim underneath the table. We
            HEAR the shooting continue to slow, until finally it ceases
            altogether. Santa and Tiny Tim exchange looks.

                      What's going on? Why'd he stop?

                                TINY TIM
                      Maybe he ran out of ammo.

                      Take a look.

            Tiny Tim pokes his head over the table to see...

            The Hammer and Esther lie together slumped up against the
            wall. They look exhausted.

            Tiny Tim drops back below the table.

                                TINY TIM
                      Well, he's kinda just resting in the
                      corner with his girlfriend.


            He thinks for a second. An idea forms.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      What day is it?

                                TINY TIM
                      It's Friday.

                      What time is it?

                                TINY TIM
                      I don't know. About sundown I guess.

            Santa makes the connection.

                      Why didn't I think of this? It's the

            A blank look from Tiny Tim.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      The day of rest. He can't fight on the
                      Sabbath. C'mon, get up. We've got him

            The Hammer's POV as Santa and his thugs approach him

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Well, well, well. It looks as if the
                      Hebrew Hammer's got a weakness after all.

            Santa turns to his thugs.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Finish extracting the Judeum from the
                          (To Tiny Tim)
                      Tiny Tim, I want you to introduce the
                      Hebrew Hammer to the Christmas spirit.

            Another blank look from Tiny Tim.

                                TINY TIM
                      You want me to be nice to him for no
                      apparent reason whatsoever, buy him
                      clothing he'll never wear, and for just
                      one day of the year pretend to forgive
                      him for all the horrible things he did to
                      me as a young boy when my mommy wasn't

                      No dipshit, I want you to kill him.

            He thinks about it.

                                TINY TIM

                      Santa's gonna take the sled back to the
                      North Pole and celebrate his victory with
                      his new stocking stuffer. 

            Santa grabs Esther and attempts to pull her up. The Hammer
            holds on tightly to her other hand, but isn't strong enough
            to resist Santa's might. Esther's hand is pulled from his
            firm grip, and Santa takes her into his arms.



            Santa forces her out the front door, leaving Tiny Tim alone
            with the Hammer. O.S., we hear the sound of Santa's Sled
            taking off.

                                TINY TIM
                      Take a look Hammer. The clock's already
                      beginning to power down.

            We see a shot of the elves pumping out the Judeum from the
            clock, and then tilt up to reveal its face.

            The dial slowly spins past 'Yom Kippur', 'Passover',
            'Hanukkah,' 'Purim', and then finally the 'Macy's 50% Off
            Spring Sale.'

            Tiny Tim raises his gun point blank at the Hammer.

                                TINY TIM (CONT'D)
                      Ah. What's the matter? No more snappy one

            It seems all is lost when...

            We hear the sounds of a whole lot of GUNS being COCKED.

            Tiny Tim turns around to see the ENTIRE KWANZAA LIBERATION
            FRONT with their guns raised at him. Jamal, standing next to
            Mohammed, flashes Tiny Tim a smile.

                      Merry Kwanzaa nigga!

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:


            The Hammer and Mohammed enter through the vault doors. The
            Chief waits anxiously.

                      Mordechai, you're back. The clock?

                      Still ticking. Thanks to the help from
                      the Brothers at the KLF, Hanukkah's safe
                      for now. 

                      That's wonderful! 

            The Chief notices the Hammer's dejected look.

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      So why the long face?

                      It's Esther. Santa's got her.

                      My Esther! Oh Mordechai.

            The Chief, overcome by sadness, slumps down into a chair. 

                                CHIEF (CONT'D)
                      Please. Will you help me?

                      I love her sir. If I don't help you, I
                      won't be able to make her my wife.
                      Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim has agreed
                      to come with me to the North Pole on a
                      rescue mission.

            Mo, standing in the BG, gives the Chief the fist/chest

                      Asalam Alekem.

                          (To Mo)
                      You're a mench. Thank you.
                          (To Hammer)
                      Mordechai, by any means necessary, you
                      bring my Esther back to me. Even if it
                      requires using Judaism's most powerful

                      Oh no, not the...

            The Chief shakes his head yes.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      There won't be any need for that sir.

                      Hammer, the fate of my daughter rests
                      solely in your hands.

                      I know sir. I won't let you down.

            The Hammer motions to Mo, and the two begin to leave. They
            pass by Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. The Hammer acknowledges him.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Sammy Davis Jr. Jr.

                                SAMMY DAVIS JR. JR.
                      You two cats are beautiful. I love you
                      guys. You take care babe.

            Mo whispers into the Hammer's ear.

                      What's wrong with him?

                      He's still working out some identity

                                                   STAR OF DAVID WIPE TO:

            EXT. NORTH POLE - DAY

            The Hammer and Mo crawl onto the snow covered bluff
            overlooking Santa's Workshop. With his binoculars, the Hammer
            scopes out the compound below.

            BINOCULAR POV - Instead of your standard two circles filling
            the screen, we see the world through a pair of Star Of
            Davids. The place resembles the exterior of an industrial
            warehouse, with two Elves on guard with guns.

                      It's gonna be tough, but the back
                      entrance looks like our best bet.

                      I wanted to ask you, how were you able to
                      pinpoint the exact location of Santa's
                      workshop? We've been trying to gain that
                      piece of surveillance for years.

            The Hammer puts the binoculars down.

                      This is the year 5734. It's time the boys
                      at the KLF got into the 58th century. Let
                      me show you something.

            The Hammer pulls out a LAPTOP COMPUTER.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      The JDL supplies all its agents with this
                      state of the art device called a laptop

                      Cool. What's it do?

                      Now this might get a bit technical, but
                      try and stay with me. Using a highly
                      sophisticated connection of other
                      computators, called the Internet, I can
                      access surveillance maps, villian
                      biographical information, and even sports
                      scores with a few simple keystrokes of
                      this electronic typewriter.

            The Hammer makes a few keystrokes and turns the screen
            towards Mo.

                      Man, that's far out! Hey, the Jets won!

                      But wait, there's more. With a few swift
                      clicks of this hand-computer interface,
                      commonly referred to as a mouse, I can
                      download illicit pornographic material
                      and even send it along to a friend via a
                      cyber postal route known as e-mail.

            Mo's interest is seriously peaked.

                      Porno? You're tellin' me that you can get
                      porno on that thing?

                      Oh yeah. Take a look. 

            The Hammer does some computing.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      For example, here's a picture of your
                      sister Tawanda getting freaky with a
                      German Shepard.

            Mo's eyes widen.

                      Gettin' freaky with a what?

            He grabs the laptop from the Hammer and looks at the screen.

            A picture of TAWANDA making out with a GERMAN man decked out
            in lederhosen on a rural German hillside. The two are
            surrounded by sheep.

            Mo gives a sigh of relief.

                                MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
                      Oy vey, that's almost as bad. That's
                      Tawanda getting freaky with a notorious
                      white supremacist. 

            Mo goes for the keyboard.

                                MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
                      Where's the white out button on this

            We get a CU of the ENTER KEY as Mo presses it. A SOOTHING
            COMPUTERIZED FEMALE VOICE purrs...

                                COMPUTERIZED FEMALE VOICE
                      Message sent.

                      What just happened?

                      Remember that bit about the cyber postal


            The Hammer looks at the blissfully ignorant Mo with empathy.

                      Nah, forget about it.


            Santa sits at the head of his conference table. Tawni and
            Bambi sit on his lap. A cigarette dangles from his mouth, and
            he holds a giant glass of eggnog in his hand. Rudolph stands
            in the corner of the room. 

                      Rudolph, more egg nog!

            Rudolph, equipped with a tray around his neck holding a glass
            of egg nog, walks over. Santa stares at him antagonistically
            as he takes the glass off of the tray and takes a sip.

            Santa puts his cigarette back into his mouth, takes a drag
            and blows smoke past camera. 

            A huge cloud of smoke blows over Rudolph's face.

            Santa smiles at his women as we hear Rudolph cough.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Ho, ho, ho.

            Suddenly, the two women are pushed from his lap as a SASSY
            BLACK PROSTITUTE rises up between his legs from underneath
            the table.

                                SASSY BLACK PROSTITUTE
                      Listen motherfucker, I already told you!
                      I don't care how much yo ass is payin'
                      me, if you call me that one more time
                      there ain't gonna be no more visits down
                      to the South Pole! You feelin' me!?

            His ego deflates a bit.

                      Yes maam, loud and clear.

            Tiny Tim enters the room. He has a black eye and his clothing
            is torn.

                                SASSY BLACK PROSTITUTE
                      Damn sugar, what happened to you?

                                TINY TIM
                      Santa, I got some really bad news.


            The Hammer wears Tefilon, consisting of leather straps with
            boxes, wrapped around his head and arms. He silently bows his
            head in front of the gigantic wall as he mumbles something to
            himself. Mo nervously scans the area for guards.

                      What are you doing?

                      Just praying to god that we don't kill
                      ourselves going over this wall.

            The Hammer unwraps his leather straps, and then tosses them
            high over the wall.

            The boxes on the straps catch on a pipe. The line is pulled
            taut, and the boxes hold secure against the pipe.

            The Hammer and Mo begin to scale the wall a la the 60's
            Batman and Robin television show. The Hammer leads the way
            while Mo, directly behind him, has his arms wrapped tightly
            around his waist. The Hammer stops climbing for a second, and
            turns to him.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      You know, you don't have to hold on to my
                      waist. You're tied in.

            Mo releases his arms from the Hammer's waist. Indeed, he is
            tied in.

                      I knew that.


            The Hammer and Mo drop from the wall onto the ground. The
            Hammer looks around.

            No guards in sight. In front of them is door clearly marked
            "BACK DOOR."

                      Well, that was easy.

            Mo heads for the door. The Hammer calls to him.

                      Wait! Before we enter, you need to know
                      that my research has determined that
                      Santa's compound is wired with the XP
                      2000 stereo type alarm system. 

                      A stereo type alarm system?

                      Take a look.

            The Hammer points to above the door. Sure enough, there sit

                      How do we bypass it?

                      The alarm will trigger if the system
                      detects any Non-W.A.S.P. tendencies
                      inside the building. For example, if you
                      were to dribble a basketball, or eat
                      watermelon, or use the word dawg...that
                      is, spelled with an aw as opposed to the
                      letter o...within the confines of this
                      workshop, the alarm would sound.

            This pisses Mo off.

                      Listen cat, I'll have you know that I
                      hate the taste of watermelon and am a
                      terrible basketball player.

                      Well that's good news for us. It means
                      the system is outdated. This should be
                      easy. C'mon.

            The two enter through the door. 


            The Hammer shuts the door behind them. So far, so good.

            Suddenly, the two hear the sound of footsteps coming down the
            hall. They duck into a corner. 

            The sound of the footsteps passes. The Hammer makes the
            silent military "eyes" gesture to Mo by pointing two fingers
            at his eyes, indicating for him to check and see if the coast
            is clear.

            Mo bends out from the corner to look. Pennies fall from his

                      It's all clear. Let's go.

            The Hammer bends down to pick up the change.

                      Mo, I think you dropped some... 

            Mo's eyes widen in terror.

                      Hammer, no!

            The Hammer picks up the pennies, and the ear splitting alarm
            system is triggered. Red Lights flash, and over the
            loudspeakers we hear..

                      Jewdar alert! Jewdar alert!

            Mo and The Hammer start running down the hallway. Doors line
            the corridor.

            The Hammer kicks open one of the doors, and enters as it
            shuts behind him. The camera stays in the hallway with Mo,
            who looks around nervously. From inside the room, we can hear
            INTENSE GUNFIRE.

            The Hammer exits the room.

                      Let's go!

            The two continue on down the hall. The Hammer spots another
            door, violently kicks it open, and enters. Again, the door
            shuts behind him followed by the sound of more INTENSE

            The Hammer exits.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      C'mon, let's go!

            Mo stops and looks at him.

                      What are you doing?

                      Offscreen gunfire. That Jewish Atomic
                      Clock stuff ate up a lot of our budget.

            Mo shakes his head in understanding, and the two run on,
            making a hard right out of frame at the corridor's end. A
            beat passes, and then we hear MORE INTENSE GUNFIGHTING.

                                                                 CUT TO:


            Mo and the Hammer run into frame. Mo points to the other end
            of the hall.

                      There's Tiny Tim.

            Tiny Tim spots them and begins to hobble furiously away in
            the other direction.

                                MOHAMMED (CONT'D)
                      I'll take Tiny Tim. You go find your

            Mo runs down the hallway after Tiny Tim. The Hammer turns
            towards the other direction to find...

            TWO ELVES on multi-colored MOPEDS comin' right for him.

            The Hammer stands motionless as the Elves gain ground.

            Right before they reach him, the Hammer quickly pulls his
            Talis off of his neck and holds it outstretched,
            clotheslining the two off of their mopeds. 

            The elves are out cold. The Hammer admires his work.

            Santa, running for his life, rounds the corner. He stops dead
            in his tracks as he spots the Hammer.

            The two look at one another for a brief moment, and then
            Santa points at something behind the Hammer.

                      Hey, what's that over there? Is that a
                      bowl of Matzah Ball soup?

            The Hammer looks behind him. Nothing. He turns back to find
            Santa long gone.


            He takes off down the hall after Santa.

                                                                 CUT TO:


            Mo catches up to the hobbling Tiny Tim, and begins to mock
            the manner and speed at which he runs, running side by side
            with him, circling around him as he attempts to get away,

            Realizing that it'd be impossible to outrun him, Tiny Tim
            comes to a stop.

            Mo trains his pistol on him.

                      Now I'm gonna do to you what I should
                      have done earlier.

            Tiny Tim closes his eyes in anticipation of the worst.

            Mo grabs both of his crutches from under his arm and runs
            off. Tiny Tim wobbles a few steps and then slumps down
            against the wall. We PULL AWAY from Tiny Tim as he calls to

                                TINY TIM
                      My crutches. Noooo. Not my crutches.


            Santa enters the room and begins to frantically barricade the
            front door with anything he can find: a chair, a large
            crucifix, a CART OF TOMATOES. Feeling confident that the door
            is secure, he turns around to find the Hammer standing in
            front of him.

            The Hammer grabs Santa by his shirt.

                      Where's my girlfriend Santa?

                      I don't have to tell you anything Hammer!
                      You're gonna have to kill me before I
                      tell you!

            The Hammer's confused.

                      But if I kill you, then you'll be dead.

            Santa thinks about this for a couple seconds.

                      Good point.

            The Hammer looks up from his interrogation and spots a sign
            taped to a door directly behind Santa. It reads, "THE ROOM

            The Hammer grins mischievously at Santa.

                      Don't worry your pretty little head.

            Hammer fires a single round past camera. RED SPLATTERS his

            We cut to the other side. Santa cowers by the cart of

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      That was a warning shot.

            We hear Esther screaming from inside the room.

                                ESTHER (O.S.)
                      Mordechai! I'm in here! Help! 

            The Hammer turns towards the sound.

            Suddenly, Santa kicks the Hammer's gun out of his hand, and
            then draws a pistol from behind his belt and points it at

                      Looks like the tables have turned once
                      again Hammer.

            More screaming from Esther behind the door. 

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      And you won't even be able to say goodbye
                      to your Esther. So sad. So long
                      Mordechai. Give my father my regards.

            Santa readies to fire.

                      Wait! I didn't want it to come to this,
                      but you leave me no choice. I have no
                      other option but to use the most powerful
                      weapon in the Jewish arsenal.

            The Hammer closes his eyes and puts his hands together as if
            in meditation. Santa looks around nervously.

                      What are you doing?

            The Hammer meditates for a bit more. Suddenly, his eyes open
            and he begins...

                      I shlepped all the way to the North Pole
                      for this? I come to fight you, and you
                      don't even put out anything to nosh on?
                      What kind of arch nemesis are you?

                      Hah! Jewish guilt. Well, it won't work on
                      me Hammer. I'm too strong for it.

            Esther continues to scream for help. This makes the Hammer
            even more determined.

                      What sort of host would treat company
                      this way? Esther is clearly uncomfortable
                      in your guest room. I'm shvitizing from
                      running around shooting people. And my
                      feet. What kind of flooring is this
                      anyway? My arches are killing me.

            It's beginning to work on Santa.

                      No. Stop it!

                      And to top it off, you didn't even have
                      the courtesy to give me a proper hello
                      when I entered the room. What have I ever
                      done to you to be treated with such

            Santa's a wreck.

                      Please, make it stop. I'll do anything.
                      Here take my gun.

            He hands his piece to the Hammer and kneels on the ground,
            pointing to his head.

                                SANTA (CONT'D)
                      Shoot me. Please, just one to the head.
                      Put me out of misery.

            Mo enters the room.

                      Hammer, you alright?

                      Everything's kosher. Watch him for me. 


            The Hammer kicks open the door.



            She is restrained to a chair. The Hammer quickly unties her,
            and the two kiss.

            As they continue kissing, we hear the sound of someone
            CLEARING THEIR THROAT. The Hammer looks towards the source of
            the noise to see none other than JOSEPH LIEBERMAN. Joe is
            tied to a chair, and wears a Gore/Lieberman 2000 campaign

                      Joseph Lieberman?

            The Hammer begins to untie Joe.

                                JOSEPH LIEBERMAN
                      Mordechai! Thank god you're here.

            Esther looks at the Hammer curiously.

                      You two know each other?

                      We go to the same temple.

            All three step back into Santa's Conference Room. Mo
            continues to hold Santa at gunpoint.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Mo, get him out of my sight.

            Mo begins to take Santa away. 

            The Hammer turns around.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      No, wait. I need closure here.
                          (To Santa)
                      I just wanna say one thing. You know
                      where you messed up Santa? You
                      underestimated the true meaning of

            Santa's a broken man. He gets on his knees and inquires

                      Please tell me. What is the true meaning
                      of Hanukkah?

            The Hammer thinks about this for a second. He's drawing a
            blank. He looks to Esther, and she shrugs back at him. 

                      That's...that's a very good question. And
                      I do know that it does have something to
                      do with...dreidels, and...

            Esther chimes in.

                      ...and latkes.

                      And latkes! And some miracle oil that
                      lasted eight days. And that my friend,
                      should've been enough for you. Take him
                      away Mo.

            Mo drags Santa out of the room.

                      I'm sorry. I see the light now. I was
                      wrong. I'm...

            And Santa's gone.

            The Hammer turns to Esther, and gets down on one knee. He
            places a ring on her finger.

                      Esther Bloomenbergensteinenthal, will you
                      marry me?

            She glows.

                      Yes! Of course! I'd gladly give up my
                      last name to be with you.

            The two kiss in celebration. 

            Joe pokes his head out into the Hallway.

                                JOE LIEBERMAN
                      What happened out there?

            He looks to the Hammer. The Hammer shrugs his shoulders.

                                JOE LIEBERMAN (CONT'D)
                      Oh Mordechai, you know how I detest gore.

                      Well then maybe you should have thought
                      about that before you ran with him.
                      C'mon, let's get you back to Washington.

            And we PULL out as the three make their way down the hallway.



            Mrs. Carver exits the kitchen, platters of food in hand.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Shabat Shalom everybody!

            We see Esther and the Hammer at the other end of the table.
            They smile and hold hands. Domestic bliss.

                      Shabat Shalom!

            With a bit of difficulty, Mrs. Carver works her large behind
            into her chair.

                      And a Merry Christmas to all of our
                      Gentile friends. Mun Chi.

            The Hammer raises his glass in honor of Mun Chi. Mun Chi
            returns the gesture.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Before we start the Sabbath, I'd
                      personally just like to thank god for all
                      the blessings I've received over the past
                      year. A beautiful fiancee...

            Esther smiles.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      ...a wonderful mother...

            Mrs. Carver is as proud as can be...

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      ...and the opportunity to help my
                      brothers and sisters in the Jewish

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Well I'm just glad you're safe Bubba
                      Shaina, and eating by your mother for

            She squeezes his hand.

                      Thanks mom.

            Mrs. Carver begins to cut her meat.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      But with all the attention the newspapers 
                      and television have given you, you'd
                      think that you were the pope or

                      Well, I did save Hanukkah mom. My
                      children, and my children's children, and
                      my children's children's children...

            He gets himself back on track.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      ...and their children will all be able to
                      eat latkes and spin dreidels, and light
                      the menorah with the knowl...

                                MRS. CARVER
                      ...So you saved Hanukkah Mr. Big Shot.
                      I mean, let's be honest Mordechai, it
                      isn't even one of the high holidays.

            Mordechai looks to Esther. She shrugs her shoulders in

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Now, if you had saved Passover or Yom
                      Kipur, then maybe you'd have what to brag
                      about. Did I tell you that my friend
                      Maureen's son, the Investment Banker, was
                      responsible for a very big merger on...

                      ...No, no, no, no, no. I see what you're
                      doing here. So all of a sudden Hanukkah's
                      not good enough for you, is that right? 

            We get a shot of Mrs. Carver. She's a master of the art of
            pleasant non-listening.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Well I have news for you mom. It is good
                      enough...I'm good enough and I won't
                      leave here until I hear you tell me...

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Mazel Tov!

            Mrs. Carver picks up the paralyzed Tabby and begins Eskimo
            kissing it.

                                MRS. CARVER (CONT'D)
                      Hello Mazel Tov! A boojee boojee boojee

                      ...I'm not finished yet, mom.

            Mun Chi, completely uninvolved in the conversation and
            obviously famished, scoops serving after serving onto his
            plate. Mrs. Carver ignores her son as she continues to play
            with the cat. 

                                MRS. CARVER
                      ...A boojee boojee boojee boo.  What's
                      that Mazel Tov? Your tuchus needs some
                      more airing out?

            Mrs. Carver removes the diaper. Esther and Hammer gag from
            the smell of it.

            Mun Chi, a forkful of food inches from his mouth, gets a
            whiff and then places the utensil down in angry frustration.

                      Mom! We're eating!

                                MRS. CARVER
                      What a good poop you made in your diaper
                      Mazel Tov! That's right! Mommy loves you!
                      Such a good boy you are!

            This gets the Hammer going.

                      Oh, I get it. To you, the cat pooping in
                      his diaper is somehow better than my
                      saving a Jewish holiday.
                          (Giving up)
                      Forget it.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      So, what are you two planning after the

                      Well, for starters, we're going to
                      honeymoon in Boca for a week. And then,
                      when we get back, Morty's been talking
                      about taking a stable, good paying job as
                      a consultant for the JDL.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      Well, I couldn't be happier for the both
                      of you.

            From outside, we hear the sound of sleighbells ringing.

                      I think I hear the new Santa Claus busy
                      at work. C'mon.

            The Hammer motions for everyone to get up and follow him to
            the window. 

            We cut to the outside of the window looking in on the four as
            they try and get a better look outside.

                                MRS. CARVER
                      I forgot to ask you, who'd they put in
                      charge as the new Santa Claus?

                      Since Santa will be living out the rest
                      of his days at a home for the
                      religionally insane and because he had no
                      blood heirs, the Kwanzaa Liberation Front
                      and the Jewish Defense League agreed to
                      make the whole Santa Claus process a
                      democratic vote. We're all very pleased
                      with the first Santa elect.  

            The Hammer spots something up in the sky, and points it out
            to the rest of them.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Look, there he is now.

            The full moon shines brightly in the BG of the night sky as
            we slowly PAN past Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer,
            eventually reaching the cockpit.

            Jamal holds the reigns and waves down at Mordechai and

            From the window, Mordechai, Esther, Mrs. Carver, and Mun Chi
            wave back. The Hammer Jewxploitation theme music begins to
            fade up.

                                HAMMER (CONT'D)
                      Merry Christmas Jamal.

                      Merry Christmas Niggas!

            We pull away from the outside window as the four continue to

            One by one, the reindeer whip straight past camera followed
            by Jamal. As he clears frame we...

                                                      CUT TO END CREDITS.

Hebrew Hammer, The

Writers :   Jonathan Kesselman
Genres :   Comedy

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