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                             Written by

                            Douglas Adams

                       Based on the book
             "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
                         Douglas Adams

                       Karey Kirkpatrick

3rd Revised Draft

1                                                          2.
                   HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    OVER DARKNESS...                                                  1

    ...we hear what we will come to know as the VOICE OF THE
                 GUIDE VOICE
         It is an important and popular fact that
         things are not always what they seem.

    A small square image appears on screen.    Home video.      The
    dolphin stadium at Sea World.

                 GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
         For instance, on the planet Earth, man had
         always assumed that he was the most
         intelligent species occupying the planet,
         instead of the third most intelligent
         which was, in fact, entirely accurate.

    The dolphins perform; leaping through hoops, etc.

                 GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
         The second most intelligent creatures
         were, of course, dolphins who curiously
         enough had long known of the impending
         destruction of the planet Earth. They had
         made many attempts to alert mankind to the
         danger, but most of their communications
         were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to
         punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so
         they eventually decided they would leave
         Earth by their own means.

    They leap madly, desperately. Higher and higher...

                 GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
         The last ever dolphin message was
         misinterpreted as a surprisingly
         sophisticated attempt to do a double-
         backward somersault through a hoop while
         whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but
         in fact the message was this...
         "So long and thanks for all the fish."


    Dolphins leap over and interact with the opening titles.
    Breathtaking somersaults, back flips, choreographed to a
    Buzby Berkley-style song called, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR
    ALL THE FISH." We end with a wide shot of all the
    dolphins jumping out of the top of frame, but they never
    come back down. TILT UP to a starry night sky - the
    dolphins have vanished.


    As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then...

                         VOICE ON RADIO
        well as Sea World Orlando and San
                 Diego reporting their dolphins have
                 mysteriously disappeared overnight.

                                                           CUT TO:

2                                                       3.
                 HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM - MORNING                        2

    CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates.
    A hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. 30's. Kind
    faced. His feet land perfectly in slippers as he stands
    and shuffles out of his very neat but very boring room.

3   IN THE BATHROOM - Arthur gargles in front of the mirror.    3
    He bends over to spit revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER
    through the window, crawling toward his house. A TEA

4   INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS                     4

    Arthur sets the newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS
    VANISH") on the table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice
    through the window 3 MORE LARGE YELLOW BULLDOZERS.

    He pours a cup of tea, sets the pot down next o his
    mobile phone. He picks it up, stares at a DIGITAL PHOTO
    ON THE SCREEN of himself and a very pretty woman (Tricia)
    at a costume party.

    He presses the phone to his head as if it were a cold
    compress. Suddenly, there's a LOUD RUMBLING o.s. The
    tea cup RATTLES. Arthur looks out the window. Now he
    sees the bulldozers.

    The tea cup shatters on the floor.
                                                     CUT TO:
5   EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE - MORNING                          5

    Arthur, dressed in pajamas and robe, lies in the dirt in
    front of a bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his
    house. He yells into his mobile phone.

                  (into phone)
              What do you mean he's gone out to lunch?
              You just said he was still at breakfast!

    MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat, leans over him.

              Come off it, Mr. Dent. You can't lie in
              front of the bulldozers forever.

              I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.

              This bypass has got to be built and it's
              going to be built. You should have made
              your protest months ago.

              The first I heard of it was when a workman
              came yesterday. I asked if he'd come to
              clean the windows, and he said he'd come
              to demolish the house. He didn't tell me
              right away of course. First he wiped a
              couple of windows and charged me twenty
              quid. Then he told me.

5                                                          4.
                   HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    CONTINUED:                                                   5

    The bulldozer driver, looking guilty, ducks behind the
    steering wheel. Prosser removes plans from his briefcase.

                 Look. These plans have been on display at
                 the planning office now for a year.

                 On display? I had to go down to a cellar!

                 That's the display department.

                 I eventually found them in the bottom of a
                 locked filing cabinet in a disused
                 lavatory with a sign on the door saying
                 'beware of the leopard'.

                 Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much
                 damage that bulldozer would suffer if I
                 just let it roll straight over you?

                 How much?

                 None at all.

                         FORD (O.S.)
                   (American accent)

    Arthur and Prosser turn to see a man cresting a hill,
    pushing a shopping cart which is filled with beer and
    bags of peanuts. This is FORD PREFECT. Wiry, intense.
    As he heads downhill, he leaps up and rides the cart down
    towards Arthur's house -- like a kid in a supermarket.
    He rolls right past Arthur and the bulldozers.


    He leaps off, drags the cart to a full stop.

                 Arthur! There you are. Here drink and
                 eat with me. We need to talk.

                 Er,'s not the best time, Ford
                 They're going to demolish my home,

                 Whoa.   You already know? How?

    Arthur simply motions to the bulldozer.


5                                                          5.
                 HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    CONTINUED: (2)                                                        5

                       FORD (CONT'D)
               Oh. When you say "they" you mean they.
               Got it. Listen, I gotta tell you
               something important, and I gotta tell you

               But what about my house?

    Ford looks to Prosser who is conferring with the
    bulldozer driver. He pushes the cart over to him.

    ARTHUR - watches as Ford gestures to Prosser who waves
    his hand and the all the 'dozer engines die.
    The bulldozer drivers step down, start drinking the beer
    and eating the peanuts. Ford returns to Arthur.

              C'mon. Let's go to the pub. He said they
              won't destroy your house until they've
              finished the beers.

              Can we trust him?

               I'd trust him to the end of the Earth.

              And how far's that?

              About twelve minutes away.

                                                                CUT TO:

6   INT. VILLAGE PUB - MIDDAY                                             6

    Ford and Arthur enter the half-full pub. Ford hurries to
    the bar. Arthur follows, cell phone to his ear.

              Six pints of bitter. And quickly.      The
              world's about to end.

               Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

    He starts to pull pints. Ford shoves bar peanuts into
    his pockets while Arthur shouts into his phone...

              Well, when does he get back from lunch?
              Or is he going straight out for tea?!

    He shuts the phone, sits, looking forlorn.

                      ARTHUR (CONT'D)
              This is shaping up to be a crap day.


6                                                       6.
                   HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    CONTINUED:                                                6

                 It's about to get a lot crappier.

                 There you are, six pints.

    Ford slaps down a 50 note. The barman's impressed.

                 Keep the change. You've got ten minutes to
                 spend it.

    Ford pushes three pints in front of Arthur.

                 Three? At lunchtime?

                 Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

                 Very deep. You should send that in to the
                 Reader's Digest. They've got a page for
                 people like you.

                 Drink up.

                 Why three pints?

                 Muscle relaxant.
                    (grabbing more peanuts)
                 And eat these. You'll need the salt.

                 What's going on. Ford?

                 What would you say if I told you I wasn't
                 really from Guilford but from a small
                 planet somewhere in the vicinity of

                 Why, is it the sort of thing you're likely
                 to say?

                 Remember when we met? That car was racing
                 toward me, I was trying to greet it, you
                 pushed me out of the way?

7                                                             7.
                      HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

         QUICK CUT TO A STREET - MID-DAY                                  7

         Ford stands in the middle of the road, extending a hand
         to a fast approaching car.
         Arthur drops his shopping, dives at him and tackles him
         out of the way as the car zooms past.

(6 cont) BACK TO FORD IN THE PUB:                                      (6 cont)

                   Didn't you find it a little strange that I
                   was trying to shake hands with a car?

                   I assumed you were drunk.

                      (shaking his head)
                   I thought cars were the dominant life
                   form. I was trying to introduce myself.

                   And that's why you're named after a
                   discontinued car from the seventies?

                   You saved my life that day.      Now I'm
                   saving yours.

         Arthur just stares at him, then turns to his beer.

                   This must be Thursday. I never could get
                   the hang of Thursdays.

                   Look, if it's about your house...

                   No, it's not that.    It's....

         He shows Ford the photo of he and Tricia on his phone.

                           ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                   I found her. Ford. The perfect girl. I
                   found her, and then I let her get away.
                   You remember that fancy dress party I told
                   you about?

                   This isn't a long story, is it? We've
                   only got six minutes.

         Arthur shakes his head.    Ford checks his watch.


6                                                         8.
                    HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    CONTINUED: (2)                                                  6

                         FORD (CONT'D)
              Okay.     Talk and drink. Fancy dress party.

              At that flat in Islington. I told you
              about it. Last week, remember?

                                                    FLASHBACK TO:

8   INT. ISLINGTON FLAT - NIGHT                                     8

    Crowded flat.    Everyone is in costume.   Loud music BLARES.

                       ARTHUR (V.O.)
               I can't bear those sort of parties, didn't
               want to go, would have much rather stayed
               home and, I don't know, brush the dog.
               Anything. But there I was -- and then,
               there she was...

    Arthur, dressed in safari attire complete with pith helmet,
    sits off to the side, observing, looking miserable.

                       TRICIA (O.S.)
               Who are you?

    Arthur looks up. TRICIA MCMILLAN is dressed in a mid
    19th century mens suit with mutton chop sideburns and is
    holding a taxidermy beagle -- and she still looks
    beautiful.   Arthur, ever the gentleman, stands.

               I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent.

               No, I mean who are you?

               Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um...
                  (sheepishly tipping his hat)
               Livingston, I presume.
                   (pointing to her attire)
               Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the
               best I could do on short notice.

               You're the first person who's got it
               right. Everyone keeps calling me

              Really? I thought the beagle made it
              rather obvious.


8                                                          9.
                   HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    CONTINUED:                                                    8

                 Really? I thought the beagle made it
                 rather obvious.

    He pets the dog.    She smiles.    He smiles back.

9   A CAMERA FLASH FLASHES.    JUMP CUT to...                     9

    THE BALCONY -- Arthur has just taken a digital photo of
    he and Tricia on his cell phone. They look at the screen
    image and laugh.

                         ARTHUR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                 She was amazing, Ford. Witty, and
                 beautiful, and brilliant. Four or five
                 degrees. One in math, one in astrophysics,
                 another in biology...

                 I've got so many degrees I am officially
                 unemployable. Let's drink to that!

    They clink their wine glasses, take sips, continue to chat.

                         ARTHUR (V.O.)
                 And just as I was asking myself, "Why is
                 this stunning and intelligent woman even
                 giving me the time of day, out of nowhere
                 she says...

                 Let's go somewhere.

                 Yeah. It is a bit noisy. There's a
                 lovely little cafe around the corner...

                 I was thinking Madagascar.

                 Is that a new club on Dean Street?

                 No. It's a country.    Off the coast of

                 Oh, that Madagascar. Right, off we go
                    (then realizing...)
                 Good God, you're serious.


9                                                           10.
                    HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

     CONTINUED:                                                     9

     She nods.    Arthur isn't sure how to react.

                          ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                  Well...that' extraordinary
                  proposition. But...I can't just up and
                  go. What about my job?

                  Quit.   Get a new one when we return.

                  I can't just...what about my house?     Who
                  would feed my dog?

                  Bring him with.

                  He's a Welsh Collie.   He'd feel all out of
                  place in Madagascar.

     Trillian forces a smile, clearly disappointed.

                          ZAPHOD (O.S.)
                  You don't want to go to Madagascar.

     They both turn to face ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX - very charming,
     extremely handsome - whose attire seems very "other
     worldly." Knee high boots, a yellow sash...

                          ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                  Hi. I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of
                  the Galaxy -- of course, you probably
                  already know that. I'm headed for a lost
                  and distant planet. Would you like to see
                  my spaceship?

                          ARTHUR (V.O.)
                  I went to refresh our drinks.     When I came
                  back, she was gone.

10   EXT. BACK IK THE PUB - CONTINUOUS                              10

     Arthur stares into his beer, plagued by this loss.

                  "Would you like to see my spaceship?"
                  Really, what sort of chat up line is that?

                  More popular than you'd think.

                  I've left messages, sent letters... It's
                  like she's vanished off the face of the


                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

 10   CONTINUED:                                                    10

                   Hey, it happens. Speaking of...
                      (pulling a blinking electronic
                       device from his satchel)
                   We've got two minutes. So drink up.

      There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD CRASH outside.
      Arthur and everyone else in the pub look up.

                   My house!

      He runs out. Ford rises, grabs two handfuls of peanuts from
      the bowl, tosses the barman all the money in his pocket.

                   A round for everyone, on me.

                   You really think the world's going to end?
                      (Ford nods)
                   Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over
                   our heads or something?

                   If you want.

                   Will it help?

                   Not really.

      He gives everyone in the bar a friendly salute, exits.

                   Last orders, then?

11    EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB - MID-DAY                         11

      Arthur runs up the road towards his house which is being
      bulldozed. Ford strides casually behind in the distance.

                   STOP!   STOP, YOU BASTARDS!!

      Arthur suddenly stops running and covers his ears as we

11a   A GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIP (picture a concrete tower         11a
      block)) sweeps overhead. Ford hits the deck. Arthur is
      blown sideways. Trees are uprooted.

      Ford rises and hurries to the rubble that was Arthur's
      house. He digs around near the exposed toilet and comes
      up with -- A TOWEL. He hurries to Arthur's side.


1                                                               12.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    1a   CONTINUED:                                                   11a

         Another ship screams over, blowing them down again. Rain
         is knocked out of the clouds and lands in one big THWUMP!
         Everywhere is soaked.

                              ARTHUR (CONT'D}
                      WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?!

                      Ships from a Vogon Constructor Fleet. I
                      picked up their signal this morning.

         He shows Arthur his blinking Sens-0-Matic device.

                               FORD {CONT'D}
                      Here.   You'll need this.

         He tosses Arthur the towel. Then, he removes a short
         black rod, his ELECTRONIC THUMB. He sticks it out.

12       INT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION                              12

         Picture mission control in Houston. WORKERS scramble.
         Monitors line the wall showing hundreds of news reports
         from around the globe; panic, chaos and pandemonium.

         Suddenly, there's a loud HUM through the speakers,
         followed by loud GARGLES and SCREECHING. Then...

                              JELTZ {THROUGH SPEAKERS)
                      People of Earth, this is Prostetnic Vogon
                      Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace planning

13       INT. A SUBURBAN BREAKFAST ROOM. CONTINUOUS                   13

         A FAMILY at breakfast, baffled that their cutlery, bowls
         and glasses resonate with the sound of Jeltz's voice.

                              JELTZ (VOICE ONLY)
                      As you are probably aware, plans for the
                      development of the outlying regions of the
                      galaxy involve the building of a
                      hyperspace express route through your star


         Several PATRONS watch the wall of TV's, all projecting a
         snowy, distorted image. Jeltz's voice blares through the

                      ...and, unfortunately, your planet is one
                      of those scheduled for demolition. The
                      process will take slightly less than two
                      of your Earth minutes. Thank you.

         Through the window behind them, throngs of people
         stampede down Oxford Street, screaming.

1                                                              13.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   EXT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION                               15

        A TECHNICIAN speaks urgently into a microphone while his
        co-workers watch the chaos on the monitors behind.

                    Hello! Can you hear us? Please respond!


        The VOGON BRIDGE is like a waterlogged old Skoda.

                            JELTZ (INTO THE P.A.)
                    There's no point in acting all surprised
                    about it. The plans and demolition orders
                    have been on display at your local planning
                    office in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your
                    Earth years, so you've had plenty of time
                    to lodge formal complaints.

17      EXT. FIELD BY ARTHUR'S HOUSE. CONTINUOUS                      17

        Ford grabs hold of Arthur's shirt, extends the Thumb.

18      INT. THE PUB. CONTINUOUS                                      18

        PULL BACK FROM JUKE BOX.     The pub seems deserted.

                            VOGON CAPTAIN
                       (through juke box)
                    What do you mean you've never been to
                    Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven's sake
                    mankind, it's only four light years away
                    you know. I'm sorry, but if you can't be
                    bothered to take an interest in local
                    affairs that's your own lookout.

        PULL BACK FARTHER - people lay on the ground with PAPER
        BAGS on their heads.


        Jeltz turns.   He's large, green and walrusy.

                    Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy
                    at all. Energize the demolition beams.

        One of his walrusy FIRST OFFICERS pushes a yellow button.

20      BIG SHOT.   FROM SPACE.    LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH              20

        As all the Vogon ships simultaneously send down a beam of
        yellow light. Glowing fireballs travel down the beams
        toward Earth. On impact, they bore into the surface.

                            JELTZ (O.S.)


2                                                            14.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    0   CONTINUED:                                                  20

        Like a giant casino going down in Vegas, there are a few
        small explosions AMD THE EARTH IMPLODES. Just collapses
        in on itself. Gone.

        The Vogon ships slowly retreat in formation, leaving
        nothing but DARKNESS AND STARS.

21      Then a distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we       21
        see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY."

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a
                     wholly remarkable book...

        The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an
        electronic book with lots of buttons.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     ...Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly
                     the most successful book ever to come out
                     of the great publishing corporations of
                     Ursa Minor.

        The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A
        star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE
                     OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE
                     THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more
                     controversial than Oolon Colluphid's
                     trilogy of philosophical blockbusters,
                     GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD
                     PERSON, ANYWAY?

        Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as
        the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     In many of the more relaxed civilizations
                     on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy,
                     the Hitchhiker's Guide has already
                     supplanted the great Encyclopedia
                     Galactica as the standard repository of
                     all knowledge and wisdom. For though it
                     has many omissions, and contains much
                     which is apocryphal, or at least wildly
                     inaccurate, it scores over the older, more
                     pedestrian work in two important respects.
                     First, it is slightly cheaper. And second,
                     it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in
                     large friendly letters on its cover.

        The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just
        below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee.

        PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the
        blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.

2                                                              15.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP - NIGHT                        22

        Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.

                     So you're not from Guilford, which would
                     explain the accent -- which I've always
                     wondered about...and you're not an out of
                     work actor -- but rather a writer for

        Ford nods.    Arthur rubs his weary brow.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea.

        Ford hands him a fistful of peanuts.

                     Here. Eat these. If you've never been
                     through a transmat beam before you've
                     probably lost some salt and protein.

        Arthur eats some peanuts, sits up, squints. Ford feels
        his way around the room, looking for something.

                     If I asked where we were would I regret

                     We're safe. For now.


                     We're in a storage hold in one of               the
                     ships of the Vogon constructor fleet ...

                     Obviously some strange usage of the word
                     safe I wasn't previously aware of.

                        (not getting the sarcasm)
                     Is it?

                     Tell me you're joking.

                     Okay. I'm joking.

                     And do a reassuring little laugh.

        Ford does a reassuring little laugh.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Now tell me where we really are.


2                                                           16.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED: (2)                                              22

                  In the storage hold of a Vogon constructor

        Ford continues his search.   Arthur's breathing quickens.

                  Get me home. Ford.

                  Home? Arthur...your home... is...

                  Oh God - it was demolished! I've got to
                  reach my lawyer! He must be back from
                  lunch by now...

        He pulls out his cell phone. Desperately punches numbers.
        Ford flips on a light switch, revealing a messy chamber
        full of alien junk and old mattresses.

                   You don't remember, do you?
                       (taking his cell phone)
                   Okay. I've got something to tell you. It
                   ain't gonna be easy, but you're gonna have
                   to just deal, okay?

                   Good god. Is this really the interior of a
                   flying saucer?

                   Yeah. Why?

23      SHOT: DEEP SPACE. THE VOGON FLEET IN FLIGHT                 23

                           ARTHUR (V.O.)
                   Well, it's a bit squalid isn't it?

                           FORD (V.O.)
                   Hey man, you're in denial.

24      INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE                          24

        Jeltz consults one screen after another. At last he sees
        Ford and Arthur. His walrusy eyes narrow.


                   Blown up? BLOWN UP?! Couldn't you have
                   done something?!!

                   I did.   I saved you.


2                                                               17.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED:                                                      25

                     But there's six billion other people.

                     And all those ants.

                     Yes, but ants aren't exactly people!

                     And now you're thinking like a Vogon.
                        (before Arthur can respond)
                     I saved your life, okay? Which makes us
                     even. Next thing.

        Ford throws Arthur a towel. Arthur looks confused.

                              FORD (CONT'D)
                      It's a tough galaxy. You want to survive
                      out here, you really gotta know where your
                      towel is. Now gimme a hand over here.

        Arthur joins Ford near a rusty ventilation pipe.

                              FORD (CONT'D)
                      Careful, it's hot.

        He slides the towel behind the pipe, holding each end of
        it, Arthur does the same.

                              FORD (CONT'D)
                      We've got to get off this ship before the
                      Vogons find us. Vogons hate hitchhikers.
                      Which is why they make ships with walls
                      that won't allow the Sub-Etna signal to
                      pass through. So we've got to send the
                      signal up and out if we wanna catch a
                      ride. Pull.

        They both pull. A section of pipe snaps off. Steam
        shoots out. Ford holds the black Thumb under the pipe.

                     What's a Vogon?

                     Ask the guide.    Say "Vogons."

        Ford continues turning dials.        Arthur lifts the Guide.


        The word "VOGONS" floats up into his field of vision.

                               GUIDE VOICE


2                                                           18.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED: (2)                                              25

        WHAT TO AVOID. Arthur touches CHARACTER.

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                  Vogons are one of the most unpleasant
                  races in the Galaxy - not evil, but bad-
                  tempered, bureaucratic, officious and
                  callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger
                  to save their own grandmothers from the
                  Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without
                  orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent
                  back, queried, lost, found, subjected to
                  public inquiry, lost again, and finally
                  buried in soft peat for three months and
                  recycled as fire-lighters.

        Arthur touches 'HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH.'

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                  The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon
                  is to stick your finger down his throat.

        Arthur touches 'WHAT TO AVOID'.

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                  On no account should you allow a Vogon to
                  read poetry to you.

                  They can't think, they can't imagine, most
                  of them can't even spell. They just run
                         (turns dial opposite direction)
                  And if we don't get a ride soon, you won't
                  b need the guide to illustrate just how
                  unpleasant the Vogons can be.
                  They've destroyed a planet today, that
                  always makes them a little feisty.

                  It can't be gone. It can't be!
                     (grabbing the Guide, shouting}



                            GUIDE VOICE

        An image of the Earth appears on the Guide's screen.

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

        Arthur waits...and waits.    The Earth image fades away.


2                                                            19.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED: (3)                                                25

                  That's it? That's all this idiotic book
                  has to say about my home? "Harmless?"

                  Hey, there are a hundred billion stars in
                  the Galaxy and only a limited amount of
                  space in the book's microprocessors. No
                  one knew much about Earth. That's why I
                  was there. To expand the entry. I fired
                  off a new one to the editor before I got

                  What does it say now?

                  Mostly harmless.

        Before Arthur can react, a speaker HUMS to life with
        screeching HOWLS and GARGLES. Arthur cups his ears.

                  Ahhh, what the hell is that?!

                  Here.   Put this in your ear.

        Ford removes a small yellow fish from his pouch. He
        moves to put it in Arthur's ear. Arthur struggles.

                  WHAT?...STOP!..DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH...

        The LOUD GARGLING NOISE continues. Ford has to wrestle to
        get the fish in Arthur's ear.

                          JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)

                  Argh!   What's happening...?

        As he succeeds, the noise mutates to the Vogon Captain's
        voice. Arthur looks incredulous.

                          JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
                  This is your captain speaking, so stop
                  whatever you're doing and pay attention!

                  The fish. It's translating for you.

                          JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
                  According to our instruments we have
                  unwittingly picked up a couple of
                  hitchhikers who must be apprehended and...


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                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED: (4)                                                25

        Arthur doesn't want to hear any of this...pulls the fish
        back out of his ear.

                          JELTZ {ON SPEAKER) (CONT'D)

        Ford struggles, shoves it back in Arthur's ear again.

                          JELTZ (CONT'D)
                  ...and this is not a taxi service for
                  degenerate freeloaders.

        The door BURSTS open. A VOGON GUARD enters. Grabs Ford
        and Arthur. They struggle.

                          VOGON GUARD
                  Resistance is useless!

        The struggle continues. As they're dragged out the door,
        Arthur continues to try to yank the fish out of his ear.
        Ford wrestles with him, trying to keep it in.

                          GUIDE VOICE
                  The Babelfish is small, yellow, leechlike,
                  and probably the oddest thing in the

26      INT. VOGON SHIP CORRIDOR.                                     26

        A bleak corridor. The Vogon guard pushes a still
        struggling Arthur and Ford down it.

                          GUIDE VOICE
                  It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing
                  unconscious frequencies and excreting
                  a matrix of conscious frequencies to the
                  speech centres of the brain, the practical
                  upshot of which is that if you stick one in
                  your ear, you instantly understand anything
                  said to you in any language.

        Arthur continues to struggle, until he passes a portal
        window. He backs up to look out.

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                  Now, it is such a bizarrely improbable
                  thing that anything so mind-bogglingly
                  useful could have evolved in the Universe
                  purely by chance that many thinkers have
                  chosen to see this as a final clinching
                  proof of the NON-existence of God.

26a     ARTHUR'S POV -- of space through the window, beautiful        26a
        purple-orange clouds of swirling stars and gasses.

                          GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                  The argument goes something like this...
                  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says
                  God, "for proof denies faith, and without
                  faith I am nothing."


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                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    6a   CONTINUED:                                                        26a

         It's finally sinking in -- he's in deep space.

                              GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                      "But," says Man, "the Babelfish is a dead
                      give-away. It proves you exist, and so
                      therefore you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says
                      God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
                      promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

         The guard yanks Arthur away, pushes him forward with Ford.

                              GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                      Most leading theologians claim that this
                      argument is a load of dingo's kidneys but
                      that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid from making
                      a small fortune when he used it as the
                      central theme of his best-selling book,
                      'WELL THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP FOR GOD.'

         Arthur looks lost and confused. They approach a set of
         double doors. He stops. The Guard shoves him forward.

                              VOGON GUARD
                      Resistance is useless!


                      Don't panic. If we're lucky, they'll
                      throw us out into space.

                      And if we're unlucky?

         Off Ford's apprehensive look we CUT TO...

27       INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                        27

         Arthur and Ford are strapped against two concrete pillars
         with hundreds of elastic bands.

         CEILING. Looks like an instrument of torture. As the
         device descends, Jeltz fishes a JEWELED CRAB out of a
         gunky trough and smashes it with a hammer -- BLAM!

         Jeltz takes the device in his hand -- then blows in it.
         We hear FEEDBACK. It's a microphone (like ones used to
         introduce boxers). He taps it. This thing on? It is.
         He faces them, holds up a book entitled... "       " --
         smirks, then begins to read Vogon poetry.

                      Oh freddled gruntbuggly!
                      Thy suppurations are to me as plerdled
                      gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.

         Ford WRITHES in pain, as does Arthur but less so.


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                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED:                                                     27

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     Vogon poetry is widely accepted as the
                     third worst in the universe.

        Ford VIBRATES like he's having an epileptic seizure.
        Arthur just looks like he has a migraine.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     The second worst is that of the Azgoths of
                     Kria. During a recitation by their Poet
                     Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem
                     "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found
                     in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning," four
                     of his audience died of internal
                     hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-
                     Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by
                     gnawing one of his own legs off.

        Spasms wrack Ford's body.    He SCREAMS.     Arthur squints.

                     Or I shall rend thee In the gobberwarts
                     with my blurglecruncheaon, see if I don't!

        Ford's entire body tenses, arches, then goes limp.
        Arthur lets out an audible sigh as the poem ends.

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     The absolute worst poetry was written by
                     Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussix.
                     It involved decaying swans. Luckily, it
                     was destroyed when the Earth was.

                     So, Earthlings, I present you with a
                     simple choice. Either die in the vacuum
                     of space, or -- tell what you thought of
                     my poem.

        Ford is spent, can't say a word. Arthur looks up.

                     Actually...I rather liked it.

        Jeltz looks surprised. Ford notices, whispers to Arthur.

                     Good tact. Run with it.

                     Um...some of the words I didn't understand,
                     but I found the imagery quite effective.

                     Continue. . .


2                                                            23.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED: (2)                                                27

                  And, um, interesting rhythmic devices which
                  seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of
                  the underlying metaphor of the humanity...


                  ... Vogonity, sorry. Vogonity of the poet's
                  soul, which contrives through the medium
                  of the verse structure to sublimate, er...

                  ... whatever it was ...

                  ... the poem was about.

        Jeltz rubs one of his chins, then smiles and claps slowly.



                  I think you just saved my life again.

                  An astute analysis. Very impressive.
                     (turning to the Guard)
                  Throw them off the ship.

        The guard grabs them, drags them out of the bridge.

                          VOGON GUARD
                  Resistance is useless!

                  Hmph. "Counterpoint the surrealism of the
                  underlying metaphor..." Death's too good
                  for them.

        Jeltz picks up his fishing rod, goes for another crab.

28      INT. VOGON SHIP CORRIDOR -- MOMENTS LATER                     28

        The Guard shoves them into the airlock.

29      INT. AIRLOCK -- CONTINUING                                    29

        They sit, panting.    Arthur stares forward.

                   So this is it? We're going to die?


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                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED:                                                     29

                     Yes. No, wait! What's this switch?
                        (reaching for it)
                     No, it's nothing. We are going to die.

        Arthur sits for a moment, then oddly chuckles to himself.

                     You know, it's at times like this, when
                     I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man
                     from Betelgeuse and about to die of
                     asphyxiation in deep space that I really
                     wish I'd listened to what my mother told
                     me when I was young.

                     Why? What did you she tell you?

                     I don't know. I didn't listen.

        Ford folds his towel into a tiny square, holds it up
        toward Arthur. He raises an eyebrow. Will this help?

                     You're sweating.

        Ford dabs Arthur's brow. They stare forward at the
        airlock door. Long pause. Nothing happens. They look
        to each other. Shrug. They might be okay. Then --
        PSSH. The bottom drops out. They're sucked down and out.

30      EXT. DEEP SPACE -- CONTINUOUS                                   30

        Ford and Arthur spin away from the ship, holding their
        breath. The guide slips out of Arthur's pocket.

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     "Space..." says the introduction to the
                     Hitchhikers Guide, " big. Really big.
                     You just won't believe how vastly, hugely
                     mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you
                     may think it's a long way down the road to
                     the market, but that's just peanuts
                     compared to space..." and so on.

        The weightless guide twirls away.    Arthur reaches for it.
        The words "DON'T PANIC" alight.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     It also says that if you hold a lung full
                     of air you can survive in the total vacuum
                     of space for about thirty seconds -- but
                     with space being really big and all, the
                     chances of being picked up within that
                     time are 2 to the power of 2076775949 to 1


3                                                              25.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    0   CONTINUED:                                                       30

        Something else falls out of his pocket -- his digital
        phone with the photo of he and Tricia at the fancy dress

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     ...which, by a staggering coincidence, is
                     also the telephone number of the Islington
                     flat where Arthur once went to a fancy
                     dress party and met a very nice girl whom
                     he totally failed to connect with.

        He reaches for the phone, it's just beyond his fingertips.
        His eyes widen with fret as the phone tumbles away.

30a     Then -- WOOMPH -- space seems to stretch and bend. A tiny        30a
        hole appears, then opens wide. Paper hats and party
        balloons fall out, then drift away. The hole flips inside
        out. Arthur and Ford are enveloped, then replaced by a
        stunning, sleek starship, the HEART OF GOLD.

                             FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
                     Two to the power of one hundred thousand
                     to one against and falling...

                                                               CUT TO:

31      INT. HEART OF GOLD.      RECEIVING BAY - NIGHT                   31

        In the middle of this hi-tech receiving bay sit two
        ornate golden brocade sofas.

                             FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
                        (through speakers)
                     Two to the power of ten thousand to one
                     against and falling.

        The sofas shake a little.



                     I think I'm a sofa.

                     I think I know how you feel.

        A long pause. Both sofas begin to thrash in panic.

                             FEMALE VOICE (TRILLIAN)
                     Five to one against and falling...

        A pair of arms and legs pop out of each sofa.

                     Four to one against and falling...

3                                                             26.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT                             32

32a     CLOSE ON A MONITOR -- on which plays a news report.            32a

                          REPORTER (ON TV)
                  ...and of course, the top story is still
                  the sensational theft of the new
                  Improbability Drive prototype ship Heart of
                  Gold last week, stolen at the launch
                  ceremony by none other than Galactic
                  President Zaphod Beeblebrox.

                          ZAPHOD (ON TV)
                  So, in the name of the people and freedom
                  and, I dunno, democracy and stuff like
                  that, I hereby declare this ship
                  officially stolen!

        PULL BACK to reveal ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, leaning toward the
        TV, watching with a very satisfied grin...

                          FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
                  Three to one...two to one...

        Annoyed, he turns. There's a woman with red hair
        (TRILLIAN), her back to him, reading numbers off a
        console display and speaking into a microphone.

                     (into microphone)
                  Probability factor of one to one...we have
                  normality, I repeat we have normality.
                  Anything you still can't cope with is
                  therefore your own problem. Please relax.
                  You will be sent for soon.

                   Hey.   Do you mind?   I can't hear.

        TRILLIAN turns -- and we now recognize her as Tricia from
        the fancy dress party. Her hair is shorter and bright
        red. She looks amazing.

                   Can we put your ego aside for one moment?
                   Something important has happened.

                   If there's anything more important than my
                   ego on this ship, I want it caught and
                   shot now.

        He turns back to the TV and turns it up.

                           REPORTER (OK TV)
                   ...the question everyone seems to be
                   asking is, has the Big Z finally flipped?
                   We asked his private brain care
                   Specialist, Gag Halfrunt...

                           GAG HALFRRUNT
                   Vell, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know --


3                                                             27.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED: (2)                                                  32

        The TV suddenly clicks off.    Zaphod spins.    Trillian's
        holding a remote.


                  We have a couple of hitchhikers in our
                  receiving bay.

        His head jerks upwards. He quickly grabs it with his
        hands and shoves it back down.

                          TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
                  I didn't pick them up. The ship did.


                  When you engaged the Improbability Drive.

                  I didn't engage the drive.

                  We picked them up in sector ZZ9 Plural Z
                  Alpha -- where you picked me up.

                  That's impossible.

                  No.    Just very, very improbable.

                  I don't have time for this! We've got the
                  police of half the Galaxy after us and we
                  stop to pick up hitchhikers?! Okay, so
                  ten out of ten for style, but minus
                  several million for good thinking, eh?

        He reaches for a hi-tech gun on the wall.      She stops him.

                  Don't. I'll send Marvin. (calling)

        Zaphod rolls his eyes as a humanoid robot rises from its
        seat behind them. This is MARVIN. He trudges slump-
        shouldered toward Zaphod.

                  I think you ought to know I'm feeling very

                  We have something to take your mind off


3                                                           28.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED: (3)                                              32

                  It won't work, I have an exceptionally
                  large mind.

                  I know. Go down to the number two entry
                  bay and bring the two aliens up here.

                  Just that?


                  I won't enjoy it.

                  She's not asking you to enjoy it. Just do
                  it will you?

                  All right. I'll do it.

        Marvin turns and trudges away. Then he turns again.

                          MARVIN (CONT'D)
                  I'm not getting you down at all am I?

                  No, no, Marvin, it's fine really. It's just
                  part of life.

                  Life.   Don't talk to me about life.

        Marvin trudges away. A door slides open for him and
        makes an audible, satisfied SIGH as it does.


33      EXT. DEEP SPACE - NIGHT                                     33

        The Heart of Gold cruises around a bright star.

34      INT. BRIDGE OF VOGON DESTROYER SHIP - NIGHT                 34

        A light blinks on a console. A VOGON CAPTAIN turns a
        dial, listens through his head set. He punches a few
        buttons. COMMANDER KWALTZ (green and walrusy like Jeltz)
        appears on the large monitor, sitting in his chair at
        Command Headquarters.

                          VOGON CAPTAIN
                  Commander Kwaltz. We've located the
                  spaceship Heart of Gold and President
                  Beeblebrox. Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
                  Requesting hyperspace clearance.


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                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                             34

                             KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
                     Hold your position, captain, until
                     clearance is granted.

35      INT. VOGON COMMAND HEADQUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER                        35

        Kwaltz sits at the end of a concrete war room table.

                     Get me the vice-president.

        Approximately 15 Vogons sit around the table murmuring
        sporadically. A VOGON MESSENGER runs up, holding papers.
        Kwaltz takes them, signs, signs the next page -- and the
        next. He hands them back to the messengers (who has been
        jogging in place the whole time). He runs off. The
        VOGON CAPTAIN appears on the large screen before him.

                             KWALTZ (CONT'D)
                     Hyperspace permission granted, Captain.

36      EXT. SPACE  NIGHT                                                     36

        A hundred rectangular vogon ships blast forward.

                                                                     CUT TO:

37      INT. HEART OF GOLD. RECEIVING BAY - NIGHT                              37

        Arthur looks around and notices the room is gleaming
        white, hi-tech, brand new, plastic still on some stuff.

                     Now this is more like my idea of a
                     spaceship. Look at all these buttons...


        They listen.    Hear footsteps.

                             FORD (CONT'D)
                     This way.

        He pushes a button. The door slides open with a satisfied
        sigh -- "Hhhmmyaaaahhh". As they walk through...

37a     INT- HOG- CORRIDOR NIGHT                                               37a

                     Thank you for using this door. I've
                     enjoyed opening for you. Hhmmyaahh...

        They leap through to the other side as the door closes.

                             MARVIN (0.S.)
                     Ghastly, isn't it?

        They whip around to find Marvin standing before them.


3                                                              30.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7a   CONTINUED:                                                    37a

                              MARVIN (CONT'D)
                      I've been ordered to take you up to the
                      bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a
                      planet, and they ask me to take you up to
                      the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? -
                      'cause I don't.

         Marvin turns and walks away. They shrug to each other and
         follow. Marvin passes through another door that opens with
         the same sigh -- "Hhmmaaaahhh"

                      What a pleasure it is to open for you.
                      I will gladly close for you now.

         The door closes.

                      "All the doors in this spacecraft have a
                      cheerful and sunny disposition. It is
                      their pleasure to open for you, and their
                      satisfaction to close again with the
                      knowledge of a job well done.

         The door repeats its whole closing and opening routine

                              MARVIN (CONT'D)
                      Hateful, isn't it? You can thank the
                      Marketing Division of the Sirius
                      Cybernetics Corporation for building
                      robots with GPP.


                      "Genuine People Personalities." I'm a
                      personality prototype. You can tell can't

                      Er. . .

                      Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon
                      me for breathing, which I never do anyway,
                      so I don't know why I even bother to say
                      it. Oh god, I'm so depressed.

         They round a corner...


3                                                                31.
                      HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7a   CONTINUED: (2)                                                37a

                            MARVIN (CONT'D)
                    And then I've got this terrible pain in
                    all the diodes down my left side. I've
                    asked for them to be replaced but no one
                    ever listens.

                    Really? Wonder why?

                       (aside to Arthur)
                    Probably because he's so negative.

                    Yes, I know. I was being...never mind.

         They continue on.

38       INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE. -- MOMENTS LATER                  38

         HANGING ON THE WALL is the official presidential portrait,
         featuring Zaphod who sports a very smart suit and a fake
         politicians smile. Tilt down to the door which opens -
         "Mmyyahhh!" - to reveal Ford, Arthur and Marvin.

                    I've brought the aliens.    Don't thank me
                    or anything.

         Zaphod spins around in his chair, holding a gun but
         sporting that same politically correct smile.


         Arthur and Ford throw their hands up.      Marvin doesn't.

                    Do you mean sit in a corner and rust or
                    just fall apart where I'm standing?

                   I wasn't talking to you.


                    Ixxie?    It is you!   IXXIE!

         Zaphod gives Ford a big bear hug. He pulls away, then
         playfully punches Ford in the arm.

                            ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                    Praxibetel Ix, you zarking hoopy!     What
                    the hell are you doing here?

                    I don't know! Just stuck out the thumb
                    and here I am.


3                                                             32.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    8   CONTINUED:                                                     38

                     That is so you.

                     And look at you! President? Last time I
                     saw you, you were a beach bum.

                     Is it a great galaxy or what?
                        (punching his arm again)
                     I still can't believe this. Ixxie!    Here!
                     ON MY SHIP!

                     Hey, it's Ford now.


                     My name. It's Ford Prefect. Picked it up
                     on Earth. Sorta grew on me.

                     Okay "Ford" -- you zarking frood.

        They embrace, tussle, punch arms. They bump into Arthur.

                     Oh, this is Arthur. Arthur, this is
                     Zaphod Beeblebrox. My cousin? Semi-half

                     He shares three of the same mothers as me.

                     We've met.

                     Have we? Sorry. I've got a terrible
                     memory for species.

        Before Arthur can explain, Trillian enters.

                     Everything okay?

                     Hey, hon. Come here. You won't believe
                     this., sorry..."Ford"...this is...

                     Tricia McMillan?

        She takes a closer look at him.



3                                                           33.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    8   CONTINUED: (2)                                                38

        Arthur is stunned silent. He goes to her, making sure she's
        really there. He's speechless. She smiles and gives him a
        friendly embrace.

                      (completely bewildered)
                   I can't believe this...I've been
                   looking...and you're here? I went to get
                   wine and...

                   I know. And it was rude to just leave,
                   but I told you I wanted to get away, and
                   he had a spaceship parked outside, well,
                   honestly -- I assumed you were a sort of
                   stay-at-home-and-read-a book type.
                   But you're here...

        Arthur smiles, then realizes with some regret...

                   Actually -- I am that type. But...well
                   you do know what happened, don't you?

        Zaphod stops in between them, puts his arm around Arthur.

                   --Ford picked him up, they hitched a ride,
                   and here we all are. Now, enough small
                   talk, Trill. We're on the run, remember?
                   I stole a ship?

                   We're having a bit of a chat if you don't

        Arthur SHOVES Zaphod's hand off his shoulder. Oddly,
        Zaphod reacts with a smile. And then -- his head shoots
        all the up way revealing a second head that lives
        somewhere under his chin.

                            ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                    You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut up
                    or I'll kick you in the gones!

                    There's the Zaphod I remember.

        Arthur recoils in horror, instinctively raises his fists.

        Zaphod wrestles with Head 2 while A THIRD ARM springs out
        of Zaphod's chest and PUNCHES ARTHUR in the jaw. Arthur
        buckles and hits the floor.

                            ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                    You should teach your pal a lesson, Ford.
                    He's a guest on my ship.

                    I thought you said you stole it.

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                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    8    CONTINUED: (3)                                                    38

                                ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                       Fine.   Get technical.

         A KLAXON sounds. Red lights FLASH. Zaphod (Head 2)
         hurries to the console. Ford follows.

         Trillian hurries to Arthur who nurses his jaw.

                       Are you all right?

                       I feel like a bloody idiot. I've spent
                       all week looking for Tricia McMillan and
                       that isn't even your name.

                       It is my name. I shortened it.

                               ZAPHOD (0.S.)

                       Well, I'm still Arthur. Just plain
                       average one-headed doesn't-own-a-space
                       ship Arthur. Sorry to disappoint.

                               ZAPHOD (O.S.)
                       A little help over here?

         Trillian leaves Arthur, joins Zaphod

                               ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                       They're after us! Fire a gun! Launch a
                       missile! DO SOME DAMAGE!

         Zaphod's arms struggle with his head again.

38a      QUICK SHOT.    DEEP SPACE                                         38a

         A dull gray rectangular Vogon BATTLE CRUISER is easing up
         behind the Heart of Gold. Behind the cruiser is about
         ONE HUNDRED OTHER BATTLE SHIPS, flying in formation.

(38 Cont) BACK ON THE BRIDGE--                                         (38 cont)


         A very eager male COMPUTER VOICE (EDDIE) sounds.

                       Hi, guys, this is Eddie your shipboard
                       computer and I just know I'm gonna get a
                       bundle of kicks out of any program you
                       want to run through me.

                       Can you identify our pursuers?


3                                                          35.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    8   CONTINUED: (4)                                               38

                     I'd be happy to! Stand by, please.
                        (cheesy on hold Muzak plays)
                     Hey, guys, I'm just pleased as punch to
                     report that it's a fleet of a hundred
                     Vogon Battle Destroyers.
                     You must be super important to warrant
                     such an effort, and gee am I impressed.
                     They're sending a message. I'd be super
                     happy to play it.

                          ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                  Fine! Play it!!
                     (to Trillian)
                  This people personality thing is gonna
                  drive me nuts! Can't you change it?

        An IMAGE APPEARS on the ship's monitor - Vice President,
        QUESTULAR RONTOK, flanked by Vogon Commander KWALTZ {at
        H.Q.). He looks reluctant. He has to say this...

                          QUESTULAR (ON MONITOR)
                  This is Vice President Questular Rontok.
                  I am speaking to the kidnapper of the
                  President. Surrender your stolen vessel at
                  once or we will take action as defined and
                  permitted by Section 1.8 of the Galactic
                  Interstellar Space Bi-Laws.

                          ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                  Leap to hyperspace!

                  Sure thing, fella, but I should tell you
                  we need proper authorization before
                  entering a hyperspace expressway.

                          ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                  Or else what? They'll send a hundred and
                  one ships? DO it!

        He and Trillian buckle up. Ford turns to Arthur.

                  Brace yourself.   This is a bit like being

                  What's so bad about being drunk?

                  Ask a glass of water.

        They are stretched and squeezed by extraordinary forces.

39      INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS -- NIGHT                             39

        Questular and Kwaltz watch their front screen as the
        Heart of Gold blasts into hyperspace.


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                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED:                                                        39
                     Did they have proper hyperspace

                             VOGON WORKER
                     No, Commander.

                     Add that to their list of offences!
                     Blatant disregard for protocol.

                     You do realize he did what he did because
                     he knew this is what you would do.

                     Rules are rules, Mr. Vice President.     And
                     they are made to be followed.

        Questular looks up to the screen at all the Vogon ships.

                     Don't you think this many ships is a bit,
                     oh I don't know -- excessive?

                     The provisions are clear. Under
                     subsection 37a these are the forces we
                     deploy to protect the president in the
                     case of an attempted or actual kidnapping-

        He holds up one fat official book with one hand.

                            KWALTZ (CONT'D)
                     -- and these are the forces we deploy to
                     apprehend any intentional or actual

        He holds up another fat book with the other.

                     You are aware, Commander, that the
                     President kidnapped himself.


        He puts the two books together, slams them down.

                     Do you have any idea how ridiculous this

                     I don't have ideas Mr. Vice President.     I
                     just do what I do.

        A VOGON MESSENGER runs up holding papers. Kwaltz takes
        them, signs one in two places, initials others, lifts the
        top sheet, removes the pink copy. Folds it.


3                                                                  37.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED: (2)                                                     39

        He does this for the other two forms as well.

        Questular watches dumbfounded as Kwaltz hands the papers
        back to the messenger who turns and runs off.

40      EXT. SPACE - NIGHT                                                 40

        The Heart of Gold comes out of hyperspace and slows to
        cruising speed...alone. No Vogons in sight.

41      INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                            41

        Zaphod's Head 2 is still up, beaming.

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                     Damn, I'm good.

        Hands slam Head 2 down.         Zaphod (Head 1) turns to Ford.

                     So -- you along for the ride or am I
                     dropping you somewhere?

                        (still wary of the two heads)
                     Depends. Where you going?

                     Into the pages of history, cousin.
                     And when you see what I'm about to show
                     you, you'll beg me to take you with us.

        WITH TRILLIAN -- who notices Arthur looking ill.

                     You okay?

                      Normally I would say "I'll live," but
                      given the circumstances...
                             (wiping his brow)
                     Is there any tea on this spaceship?

                     This way.

        She exits.    Arthur follows.       Zaphod steps back, blocking
        his way.

                     Hey, apeman. Earthman.      I'm sorry, what
                     was your name again?



4                                                               38.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    1   CONTINUED:                                                    41

                     Right.   No hard feelings, okay? And
                     sorry to hear about your planet, but don't
                     mention it to the girl because if you do

        He smiles broader.    Then Head 2 pops up and finishes...

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                     I'll pull your spleen out through your

        Zaphod slams Head 2 back into place..then smiles again.
        Arthur furrows his brow and Zaphod and follows Trillian.

                     Two heads. Interesting choice.

                     Apparently you can't be President with a
                     whole brain.

                     So you carved it up?

                     Yes -- I think. And I think I did it in
                     such a way that it wouldn't be detected by
                     the Government screening tests -- or by
                     me. So, what's so secret that I can't let
                     anybody know I know it, not the Galactic
                     Government, not even myself? And the
                     answer is--
                     --I don't know. Obviously. But I put a
                     few things together and that's when I
                     realized I had this.

        He points to the COBALT BLUE CUBE on his gold necklace.

42      INT. SHIP'S KITCHEN AREA - CONTINUOUS                         42

        CLOSE ON - the NUTRI-MATIC MACHINE. Brownish liquid
        flows into it a Martini glass, topped with dry-ice fog.

        Arthur removes the glass.    Sips.     Grimaces

                     I suppose I should have said it
                     resembles tea.

                     So two heads is what does it for a girl,
                     then? I mean, if I'd had two heads. Or

                     Or your own space ship.


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                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED:                                                      42

                     Anything else he's got two of?

                     Come on, Arthur, don't be like that.

                     Well, what am I supposed to be like?
                     Green? Bleeping? What?

                     Just be yourself. Have some fun. Does it

                     No, I suppose it wouldn't..

                     I mean...

        She points to his jaw, he nods, she picks up her BACKPACK.

                             TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
                     I might have an aspirin.

        She unzips it. TWO MICE scurry out and scamper off, a
        hair-clip is clipped to one of the mice's tail.

                              TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
                     Hey.   What are they doing in there?

        Before she can catch them, they scurry under the door.

                             TRILLIAN {CONT'D)
                     They were from my lab at university.    Odd...

                     So all that's left is me and you, "mostly
                     harmless," and two lab rats.

        She furrows her brow.     What does he mean?

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Look, there's something I should tell

                             ZAPHOD (O.S.)
                     Showtime, Trill!

                     Can it keep? You might want to see this.

        Arthur nods. She leaves.        He looks at his "tea", throws
        it in the trash bin.

4                                                          40.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    3   INT. HEART OF GOLD, BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                     43

        Trillian and Arthur join Ford and Zaphod at the computer.

                  --and when I saw what I'm about to show
                  you, that's when I realized why I did what
                  I did to my brain -- or it least, I think
                  that's why.

44      ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN --                                   44

        The screen brightens. A BRAND LOGO appears (a circle made
        of a dotted line with an "M" in the middle) then a sub-
        title: MAGRATHEAN PUBLIC ARCHIVE. Zaphod fast forwards
        until a noisy picture DISSOLVES TO...

45      EXT. OUTSIDE TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT -- DAY                  45

        A procession surrounds a CHARIOT. Two young philosophers,
        LUNKWILL and FOOK (20'S) ride it into a grand TEMPLE.

46      INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT.                                46

        The aisles are lined with Priest-Technicians. Ahead is
        DEEP THOUGHT - a huge Buddha-esque computer.

        The procession peels away to both sides. Lunkwill and
        Fook dismount and approach.

                          DEEP THOUGHT
                     (deep and sonorous)
                  What is this great task for which I, Deep
                  Thought, the second greatest computer of
                  all time have been called into existence?

                  Your task, O computer...

                  Hang on. Did you say second greatest?

                          DEEP THOUGHT
                  Second greatest. Yes.

                  But we designed you to be the greatest
                  computer so you could...

                  You're not talking about the Milliard
                  Gargantubrain which can count all the
                  atoms in a star in a millisecond?

                          DEEP THOUGHT
                  The Milliard Gargantubrain? A mere abacus,
                  mention it not.

                  The Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler then?


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    6   CONTINUED:                                                        46

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     The Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler could
                     argue all four legs off an Arcturan
                     Megadonkey, but only I could persuade it
                     to go for a walk afterwards.

                     Then what's the problem?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     I am the greatest computer you are able to
                     design without my help. Which, one day,
                     you are going to need.

                         (to Fook)
                     Let's just ask the question.

                     Oh Deep Thought, your task is this. We
                     want you to tell us -- the Answer.

        Long pause.    Deep Thought bleeps and bloops.

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     The what?

                     You know. The answer.      To Life...the

                     We'd really like an answer. Something
                     simple. Can you do it?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     The Ultimate Question of Life, the
                     Universe and Everything. Yes. There is an
                     answer. But I'll have to think about it.

        Lunkwill glances at his time piece, Fook at the expectant
        throng behind them. They wait.

                             DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
                     Return to this place in exactly... seven and
                     a half million years.

                              LUNKWILL & FOOK

        PSSSH.   The screen goes to snow.

47      EXT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE. - CONTINUOUS                           47

        Ford and Arthur look confused.

                     That's it?


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                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED:                                                         47

                     No, no.    There's more.   They go back.

                     Seven and a half million years later?

        Zaphod nods, hits play.       We PUSH BACK IN ON THE SCREEN.

48      INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT --                                     48

        Lunkwill and Fook enter the now modern temple, flanked by a
        crowd. They have beards and look like they're in their
        40's. Deep Thought rises, looks lifeless. WORRIED MUTTERS
        FROM THE CROWD. Slowly, Deep Thought groans to life.

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Can I help you?

                     Deep Thought.    Do you have...

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     An answer for you? Yes. I have.

                     There really is an answer?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Yes. There really is one.

                           (almost strangled with emotion)

                     Can you tell us what it is?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Yes. Though I don't think you're going to
                     like it.

                     Doesn't matter! We must know it!

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     You're really not going to like it.

                     Tell us!

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Alright. The answer to the ultimate
                     question ...

                     Yes ...


4                                                              43.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    8   CONTINUED:                                                   48
                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     ... of Life, the Universe, and Everything ...


                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     ... is ...

                     Yes ...!

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     (longest pause yet)
                     Forty two.

        The surrounding crowd is stunned.    More MUTTERING.

                             DEEP THOUGHT (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                     I checked it thoroughly. It would have
                     been simpler, of course, to have known
                     what the actual question was.

                     But it was the Question. The Ultimate

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Yes, but what actually is it?

                             FOOK (O.S.)
                     Everything! You know ... just EVERYTHING!

                             DEEP THOUGHT (O.S.)
                     That's not a question. Only when you know
                     what the actual question will you know
                     what the answer means.

                     Give us the Ultimate Question then!!

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     I can't.
                        (long pause)
                     But there is one who can. A computer that
                     is to come after me, one that I will
                     design. A computer to calculate the
                     Ultimate Question, one of such infinite
                     complexity that life itself will form part
                     of its operational matrix. And you
                     yourselves shall take on new more primitive
                     forms and go down into the computer to
                     navigate its ten million year program. I
                     shall design this computer for you. And it
                     shall be called...

        The picture distorts and whites out.    PSSSSHHHHHH.

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                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   EXT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE. - CONTINUOUS                   49

        Zaphod hits eject.    The blue cube rises.

                  That's it?

                  That's it.

                  You're looking for the Ultimate Question?





                  No, I tried that. "Why?" "Forty-two."
                  Doesn't work.
                     (to Trillian)
                  Let's get her ready, babe.

        He moves to a different rack of instruments, consults a
        check list, starts flipping some switches.

                  I mean, why do you want to know the
                  Ultimate Question?

                  Oh. Well -- partly the curiosity, partly
                  a sense of adventure, but mostly I think
                  it's for the fame and the money.

        He continues preparing the ship. Trillian consults the
        huge MANUAL, turning dials, flipping switches...

                  But -- you're President of the Galaxy,
                  aren't you?

                  Yes, Arman.


                  Whatever. Presidential fame is temporary,
                  I find the Question, that's permanent. It
                  sticks. Plus everyone thinks you're deep.


4                                                              45.
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    9   CONTINUED:                                                      49
                     But you don't know the name of the
                     computer that other computer was talking

                     Which is why I'm going there.


                     There. To find Deep Thought.    On

                     Magrathea!? Magrathea is a myth, a

                     No, it isn't. It's real, cousin. And this
                     is the only ship in the universe that can
                     get you there.

                     You mean to tell me you carved up your
                     brain so you could become President so you
                     would get invited to the launching
                     ceremony of this you could steal
                     it... so you could go to Magrathea --
                     which, according to most sane people,
                     doesn't even exist?



                     Why this ship? What's so special about

        Zaphod thinks again -- hard.

                     I don't seem to be letting myself in on
                     any of my secrets.

                             TRILLIAN (O.S.)
                     Because of this, obviously.

        They turn to see Trillian flipping open a glass lid
        revealing a BIG RED BUTTON. Ford reads the glowing
        letters above the button...


4                                                                 46.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED: (2)                                                  49

                  Infinite Improbability Drive?       So they
                  finally built one that works.       And that's
                  how we got picked up.

                  Exactly. And I'm guessing if we hit that
                  button -- we go to Magrathea.

                  You're guessing?

                  Hey, anyone who's not up for that, there's
                  the door. Now who's in?

                  For a trip to a place that doesn't exist?
                  I'm in. My editor will think I'm crazy,
                  but what the hell -- he already thinks I'm

        He takes out the Guide.       Zaphod looks to Trillian.

                  Definitely. I'm in.

        They're all standing together. They turn to Arthur.
        Arthur looks to Trillian. She stares back -- waiting.

                  Do I even have a choice?

        Zaphod smiles, all bright and cheery.


        Arthur looks at the button.

                  What exactly does an Infinite
                  Improbability Drive do?

        Suddenly, Zaphod's Head 2 shoots up!

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2

        Zaphod's third arm shoots out and smacks the button.

50      EXT. SPACE - NIGHT                                              50

        Improbability Drive Effect -- as the ship flips across
        space and disappears, leaving nothing but shimmers.


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    0   CONTINUED:                                                   50
                             GUIDE VOICE
                     The Infinite Improbability Drive is a new
                     method of crossing vast interstellar
                     distances without all that tedious mucking
                     about in hyperspace. As soon as the drive
                     reaches Infinite Improbability, it passes
                     through every conceivable point in every
                     conceivable Universe almost simultaneously,
                     then selects the appropriate re-entry
                     point. The principle of generating small
                     amounts of finite improbability by hooking
                     the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-
                     Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter
                     suspended in a strong Brownian Motion
                     producer, say a nice hot cup of tea, were
                     of course well understood.

        Seconds later, the Vogon Destroyer comes out of
        hyperspace and slows to cruising speed.

51      INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP. BRIDGE - NIGHT                    51

        Vogon controllers and copilots turn dials and push
        buttons, scrambling to regain a signal.

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     Such generators were often used to break
                     the ice at parties by making all the
                     molecules in the hostess's undergarments
                     leap simultaneously one foot to the left,
                     in accordance with the Theory of

        Kwaltz and Questular appear on the monitor.

                     Well, Captain...?

        Controllers turn more dials, trying to find the ship.

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     Many respectable physicists said they
                     weren't going to stand for that sort of
                     thing partly because it was a debasement
                     of science, but mostly because they didn't
                     get invited to those sort of parties.

                             VOGON CAPTAIN
                     We had them sir. These are the
                     coordinates. But -- they're not here.

                     I can see that.     WHERE ARE THEY?

        The captain shrugs.    Kwaltz heaves a walrusy sigh.

5                                                           48.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   EXT. DEEP SPACE - NIGHT                                      52

        We hover above a greenish/purplish planet.

        IMPROBABILITY EFFECT - space RIPPLES. Something begins to
        materialize, something big and gray - tumbling toward us.

        We now see the big, gray thing is a GIANT RHINOCEROS --
        which ripples, flips inside out and becomes the Heart of

53a     INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT                           53a

        A knitted version of Arthur, Trillian, Ford and Zaphod
        sit in chairs before the ships console.

                          KNITTED ZAPHOD
                     (clutching stomach)
                  Is this going to happen every time we hit
                  that button?

                          KNITTED TRILLIAN
                  Very probably, yes.

53      The air ripples. The 'knitted' crew flip back to their       53
        former selves. Arthur pukes into a trash bin and with a
        sick expression, looks up to the screen.

                  Did it work? Are we there?

        Now Zaphod looks -- and he's elated.

                  Yes!...I think.     Computer?

                  Hi, fella!

        Head 2 suddenly springs up.

                          ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                  Can you please change that zarking
                  annoying voice!!?

                  Computer? What planet is that, please?


        On-hold Muzak plays. They all sit and listen for a few
        beats, then Arthur yelps...

                     (spinning around to Zaphod)
                  Did you just pluck a hair from my head?

                          ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                  Yeah, as if, apeman.


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    3   CONTINUED:                                                         53

        Arthur suddenly feels something on his back, leaps out of
        the chair and brushes it off.

        The two mice land on the floor across the ship, then
        scurry away down a hallway. Before Arthur can react...

                     Thanks for waiting, everyone. I'm just
                     tickled pink to tell you we are currently
                     in orbit around the planet Viltvodle 6.

        PUSH IN ON ZAPHOD -- who's 2nd Head suddenly shoots up.

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                     Humma Kavula!

54      INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP. BRIDGE - NIGHT                          54

        Vogon crew quickly enter data. A FLIGHT ENGINEER gets
        something on his screen, shows it to the Captain.

                             VOGON CAPTAIN
                     Sir, the Heart of Gold has just requested
                     permission to land on Viltvodle 6. Should
                     I pursue?

                             KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
                     That is not a request to which I can
                     respond, captain. Should I pursue what?
                     Are you requesting hyperspace clearance so
                     that you may pursue the fugitive?

                             VOGON CAPTAIN
                     Yes, commander.

                             KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
                     Then you must say that, captain -- in
                     request form.

                             VOGON CAPTAIN
                     Requesting hyperspace clearance to pursue
                     the fugitive, sir.

                             KWALTZ (ON MONITOR)
                     Thank you. Request acknowledged.   Await

55      INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS                               55

                        (into microphone)
                     Bring me the request to pursue fugitive

        The war room is silent. We hear the sound of running
        above. The footsteps hurry all the way around, we hear a
        door open, running up more steps, along the corridor
        until and finally an exhausted Vogon Messenger bursts
        through the door holding a blue form. Questular shakes
        his head in disbelief as Kwaltz signs the request form.


5                                                            50.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED:                                                    55
                     This is ridiculous! What do you need, an
                     executive order? Fine. I order you. Stop
                     doing this! Go and get him!

                     According to Subsection 94b, paragraph 2,
                     you're not authorized to make such an

                     But I'm acting president!

                     Then act like a president, and do nothing.

        Kwaltz continues to fill out the forms. Questular grabs
        a clump of his hair -- and pulls it out.

                                                            CUT TO:

56      EXT. VILTVODLE 6. SPACEPORT. - NIGHT                          56

        All we can see are the lights of the Heart of Gold's
        entry ramp cutting through a dense fog. Or is it fog?

        Zaphod's 2nd head is up as he comes down the ramp ahead
        of the other three.

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                     Humma Kavula!


                     Why does he keep saying that?

                     I don't know. I'm not used to seeing him
                     this way.

                     You mean fully clothed?

        She stops, fires him a look.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Sorry, but I can't for the life of me
                     figure out why you, the most brilliant
                     woman I have ever met, have ended up with
                     that half-witted, self-obsessed, vapid
                     politician! I mean, look at him!

        They squint through the fog at Zaphod, Head 2 out. His
        hands keep trying to get it down but the 3rd arm keeps
        whacking them away. He disappears into the fog.


5                                                               51.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    6   CONTINUED:                                                      56
                     Clearly unlike any guy I've ever met.
                        (back to Arthur)
                     Look, if you're going to pout your way
                     around space, then maybe you should just
                     go home.

                     I can't. That's the whole point -- and
                     I've been trying to tell you...

                     Hey, look what I found in the guide.

        He hands the guide to Trillian. She keeps walking.

                             FORD (CONT'D)
                     I wouldn't tell her if I were you.

                     She deserves to know.

                     But if you tell her and she ends up with
                     you because you're literally the last guy
                     on Earth -- you'll always doubt her

        Arthur considers this.      Nods.

                             FORD (CONT'D)
                     Got your towel?

                     Do I need it?

                     Only always.

        Ford puts his towel to his mouth as they follow Trillian
        down the mist covered street. She's reading the guide.

                             GUIDE VOICE
                     In the beginning, the universe was created.
                     This made a lot of people very angry and
                     has been widely regarded as a bad move.

        Zaphod continues several steps ahead of them.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     Many races believe that it was created by
                     some sort of God, though the Jatravartid
                     people of Viltvodle 6 firmly believe that
                     the entire Universe was in fact sneezed
                     out of the nose of a being called the
                     Great Green Arkleseizure. The
                     Jatravartids, who live in perpetual fear


5                                                             52.
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    6   CONTINUED: (2)                                                56
                           GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                   of the time they call "The Coming of Great
                   White Handkerchief" are small blue
                   creatures with more than fifty arms each.
                   ...who are therefore unique in being the
                   only race in history to have invented the
                   aerosol deodorant before the wheel.

                           ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                   Humma Kavula!

        SLAM.   Zaphod's two arms shove his chin back down.

                   I'll handle this.

56a     EXT. SEEDY STREET-VILTVODLE                                   56a

        The others approach, watching Zaphod as he stops a
        passing an eight-armed alien creature, asks him
        something, oozing charm. The creature points down the
        street with 3 arms, then with 2 others hands him a pen
        and paper. Zaphod signs an autograph and moves on.

        The alien beams, then squirts three cans of aerosol under
        several arms. More mist rises. FOLLOW IT UP revealing:

57      A LARGE BUILDING -- a temple with two giant arches.           57

        The others follow. CAMERA TILTS UP and we see this
        building looks like a nose lying horizontally, the "giant
        arches" are the nostrils.

58      INT. ARKLESEIZURE TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS                         58

        Zaphod opens the huge doors inside the large
        nostril/arches. A rush of air blows the mist past Ford,
        Trillian and Arthur a few steps behind. They stop.

        A congregation of worshipers faces front where HUMMA KAVULA
        stands behind a podium. He's a humanoid wearing a white
        robe and night-vision sun glasses.

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   The handkerchief is coming, beloveds. Are
                   you ready? Let us pray that the almighty
                   will exhale a breath of compassion on us.

        Instead of bowing, they all point their noses heavenward.
        Zaphod marches down the center aisle while Humma prays.

                           HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
                   Almighty Arkleseizure, we lift our noses,
                   clogged and unblown in reverence to you.

        Zaphod stops a few feet away from Humma's chair.

                   Hello, Humma.


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    8   CONTINUED:                                                     58


                     That's Humma Kavula? I thought he was
                     just using a swear word.

                        (shaking his head)
                     Humma Kavula was his opponent in the
                     election. Something happened during the
                     campaign. Zaphod never forgave him.

                     What was it?

        Ford shrugs.    HUMMA looks up, sees Zaphod, smiles.

                             HUMMA KAVULA
                        (wrapping up the prayer)
                     Send the handkerchief, lord, so that it may
                     wipe us clean. We ask this in your
                     precious holy name...


        And they all sneeze. Akin to crossing himself, Humma
        raises a hand to his nose, then down again.

                             HUMMA KAVULA
                     Bless you.
                                                             CUT TO:

59      INT. HUMMA'S QUARTERS - CONTINUOUS                             59

        Humma's quarters are opulent. He sits behind his desk
        flanked by several ARMED BODY GUARDS. Ford, Arthur and
        Trillian keep a safe distance as Zaphod faces off with
        Humma who has the air of a cool news anchor man.

                         HUMMA KAVULA
                 Zaphod Beeblebrox, our famous President.
                 The Arkleseizure has exhaled many
                 blessings upon you. What brings you to
                 our humble planet?

                 I think you know why I'm here.

                         HUMMA KAVULA
                 I don't think I do.

                 Oh, I think you think you don't, but we
                 both know -- you do.

                         HUMMA KAVULA
                 Elequent as always, Zaphod. Your ability
                 to communicate a clear thought never
                 ceases to amaze.


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    9   CONTINUED:                                                     59

        Head 2 suddenly springs up -- to the surprise of all.

                         ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                 You called me stupid!

                         HUMKA KAVULA
                    (re: the heads)
                 Interesting. And I don't know what you're
                 talking about.

                         ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                 During the campaign, Humma -- you said I
                 was stupid.

                         HUMMA KAVULA
                 This Humma you speak of no longer exists.
                 He came here in his consolation position
                 as Ambassador to Gamma Z10 to squelch an
                 ideological threat to the system and
                 repented from his wicked ways. He now
                 goes by the holy name Tazelo the
                 Unceasingly Righteous, given to him by his
                 devoted followers.

                            ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                     THAT I'M STUPID AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!

        The 3rd arm reaches for a gun in Zaphod's vest. The BODY
        GUARDS aim their weapons. One runs up and smacks Zaphod
        in the back of the head -- slamming Head 2 back in place.

                     Thank you.

        The 3rd arm disappears.      The gun falls.   A BODY GUARD
        picks it up.


                     Why do I get the feeling he's going to get
                     us all killed?

                     Probably because it's very possible.    Just
                     don't save me, okay? We're even.

        Humma lays his palms on the table and lifts himself as if
        to stand - but there is nothing of him below the table
        line except for thirty, one inch metal legs, attached to
        the base of his torso. He glides towards Zaphod, the
        little legs extending to reach the floor as he reaches
        the end of the table.


5                                                            55.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED: (2)                                                59
                          HUMMA KAVULA
                  The election is ancient history, Zaphod,
                  but if memory serves -- you won, proving
                  that good looks and charm win over
                  brilliance and ability to govern.

        A guard drapes a white robes over Humma's shoulders - which
        he ties with a belt - hiding his peculiar undercarriage.

                          HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
                  And incidently -- you are stupid.

        His head jerks up.   Zaphod stops it, paints on a smile.

                  That's really not the point.

                          HUMMA KAVULA
                  You haven't come halfway across the galaxy
                  to settle a campaign grudge. Why are you
                  here, Zaphod?

        Zaphod doesn't answer. Humma motions to a guard who
        grabs his arm, twists it -- hard.

                  I don't know. I was headed for Magrathea,
                  I ended up here.

        PUSH IN ON HUMMA -- who raises his hi-tech sun glasses.

                          HUMMA KAVULA
                  How very, very...

        He pulls the nose off his body guard, turns a key.    A
        secret safe door slides open from the mans' chest.

                          HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
                  I kept a few souvenirs from my former
                  life. Ah, the heady days of space
                  piracy... so young, so foolish..,

        Another, smaller box rises from the chest cabinet. Inside
        we see glowing jewels, a skeleton hand, etc. Humma
        removes a PINK CUBE (like Zaphod's blue cube.)

                          HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
                  I'll gladly give you the coordinates to

        He holds up the pink cube revealing A SERIES OF
        COORDINATE NUMBERS on each side. Zaphod reaches for it.
        Humma takes it back...

                          HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)
                  ...provided you bring me something in


5                                                             56.
                      HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED: (3)                                                59


                             HUMMA KAVULA
                   A gun.

                   A gun?

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   A very special gun. Designed by the
                   greatest computer ever invented, now
                   buried in the bowels of Magrathea.

                   Fine. I'll get your gun.    Just give me
                   the coordinates.

        Zaphod reaches out.    Humma pulls it back.

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   And what will you give me to insure your

                   My word as President.

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   Ha! I'd be better off with the dung of a
                   Bethusian Mega Donkey.

                   Okay, then I'll get you that.

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   I need a hostage, something you hold dear.
                   Only what does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?

        ON ZAPHOD'S SECOND HEAD -- peeping out of the collar
        looking terrified.

        Humma smiles. Bingo. He signals the guards. They grab
        Zaphod who looks back to Trillian, offers a weak smile.

                                                      SMASH CUT TO:

60      INT.   HUMMA KAVULA'S OPERATING THEATRE -- LATER              60

        Very fast scene - two seconds. Zaphod's 2nd Head SCREAMS!

                             ZAPHOD HEAD 2

        PULL BACK to see it being lifted out of Zaphod's neck.
        Zaphod unconscious on the operating table. Blood and
        instruments everywhere.

6                                                            57.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    1   INT. HUMMA KAVULA'S ROOM -- LATER                           61

        Zaphod's head hangs on the wall. Wires feed out of the
        neck into a huge machine.
        Beneath the head is a crude drawing of a body and the
        words "I'm with Stupid." An arrow points to Zaphod's
        Head 2 -- which is shouting...

                           ZAPHOD HEAD 2
                   IDIOT! ZARKING MORON!! COME BACK!! YOU
                   NEED ME!! COME BAAAAACKKKK!!!!

                           HUMMA KAVULA
                   You should quit while you're "a head"
                   Zaphod. No one has ever got passed the
                   Magrathean defence system alive.

        Humma laughs maniacally.

62      EXT. VILTVODLE 6. MAIN STREET - NIGHT                       62

        Zaphod, held aloft on Ford and Arthur's shoulders,
        staggers down the street toward the spaceport where the
        Heart of Gold is parked. His neck is wrapped with a
        blood-soaked bandage which looks like a scarlet ascot.

                   Are we sure this is the right way?

                   Yes!   I think.   I don't know.   Maybe not.

                   Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

        Ford looks puzzled at Arthur. Did I clear it up? A crowd
        has gathered. When they see Zaphod, they scream...

                   Mr. President!...Zaphod, over here!...I
                   want to have your baby!, etc...

        Zaphod, still feeling the effects of whatever drugs he
        was given, dons a presidential smile and waves.

                   Back to the ship. Quickly.

        They quicken their pace when suddenly...

        FIFTY VOGON POLICE -- emerge from the mist.

                           VOGON POLICE #1
                   Mr. President! We are here for your

        Zaphod, Ford, Trillian and Arthur freeze in their tracks.

6                                                              58.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    3    INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS                               63

         Kwaltz and Questular watch the action on the front

                    Fire upon the kidnapper!

(62 cont) EXT. MAIN STREET -                                            (62 cont)

         The police fire.      F, T, & A run for it, but Z stays put.

                    Zarquon! Friendly fire! Well, if that's
                    what they want--

         He pulls out his gun up and fires back.

                            ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                    Hey! Let's do lunch! Nice haircut, fella!
                    Hey! Your kids are the same age as mine--
                    We should get them together some time!

         With each line he fires. Ford grabs him. Shots hit a
         stack of aerosol cans. They EXPLODE. More mist rises.

(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS -                                     (63 cont)

                    Commander! The President is the

                    Cease fire!

(62 cont) BEHIND THE KIOSK--                                            (62 cont}

         The gang run down an alley and hide behind a kiosk.
         Zaphod sports a goofy smile. Arthur is scared to death.

                    Oh God, I really hate Thursdays.

                    Zaphod, what do we do?

                    Build bridges between the stars!
                    He holds up two peace signs, a la Nixon.


                    I think that was his campaign slogan.

         Trillian finds a deodorant can, grabs it, gets an idea.

                    Alright, follow me.
               She aims the can at Zaphod's ear- Arthur's face registers
               the madness of the moment.

(                                                              59.
                          HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    63 cont) INT. VOGON DESTROYER. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                  (63 cont)

                       There they are!

(62 cont) ON SCREEN -- Trillian, with aerosol can to Zaphod's ear (62 cont)
          moves down the street. The crowd GASPS. The quartet
          continues anxiously forward, eyeing the police whose guns
          track their every move.

                       Back off or I'll kill him, I swear I will!

(63 cont)KWALTZ -- looks confused.                                      (63 cont)

                       Could that actually kill him?

(62 cont) The police step backwards -- but the crowd takes a step       (62 cont)
          forward. A huddle of female ADMIRERS rush them, waving
          pens and paper as if the Beatles have arrived.

                       Mr. President, Mr. President!...

            Zaphod paints on a smile, breaks away from the others to
            go sign a few autographs.

                              FEMALE ADMIRER
                      I totally voted for you!

                       Thank you!

            Reveal that the female fans are actually a multi-headed,
            two legged GROUPIE.

(63 cont) ON QUESTULAR AND KWALTZ--                                     (63 cont)

                      Get her!

(62 cont) CHAOS! The walrusy Vogon police swarm in like maggots,        (62 cont)
          surrounding Trillian and edging Ford and Arthur away.

                               VOGON POLICE
                       Resistance is useless!

            Shots are fired. The crowd SCREAMS and SCATTERS. Arthur
            reaches for Trillian but she is engulfed by Vogons who
            move, en masse, and pull her away into the mist.


            Ford, with Zaphod in tow, shoves Arthur forward, using
            his towel to clear a path through the mist. They see the
            Heart of Gold ramp descending from the belly of the ship.

                       This way!


(                                                                  60.
                             HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    62 cont) CONTINUED:                                                      (62 cont)
                          NO!!   TRICIA!!!

            SHOTS FIRE all around them as Ford pushes Zaphod and
            Arthur up the ramp.

(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT                                    (63 cont)

            Questular and Kwaltz watch the monitor as Vogon Police
            usher Trillian, in futuristic hand-cuffs, past the Vogon
            Captain who stands in the foreground on his ship.

                          Bring her to Vogsphere for processing,

            The captain nods.      The screen goes black.

                          They're coming here!? But they've only
                          accomplished half the mission. What about
                          Zaphod? HE MUST FACE JUSTICE!!

                          My instructions were clear...

            From a slot in his chair, he pulls his instructions --
            signed in triplicate of course. He reads...

                                  KWALTZ (CONT'D)
                          "Apprehend the kidnapper, rescue the
                          president." We do them in that order.
                          And until the kidnapper is properly
                          processed, she isn't officially
                          apprehended, now is she, Mr. Vice-

            Questular pulls out another small clump of hair.

                                                                   CUT TO:

64          INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                              64

            Ford and Arthur drag Zaphod into the bridge. On the
            front screen, they can see the Vogon ships flying away.

                          We have to go!     Let's GO!

                             (still loopy)

            Looking strangely happy, he slides the PINK COORDINATE
            CUBE Humma gave him into a slot on the console.

                                  ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                          Computer! Take us to Magrathea!

                          What? No! Follow those ships!


6                                                              61.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                      64

        Arthur lunges for a control. Zaphod woozily tries to
        stop him. There's a struggle, then Zaphod realizes...

                     Hey -- my third arm.   I had one, didn't I?

                     We have to go after her!

        The computer fires to life, BLEEPS and BLIPS. Only now
        it has an effete, effeminate, almost matriarchal voice.

                     Boys, please! Not so rough. You're
                     damaging my joystick.

        They all look at the source of the voice, confused.

                     Who is that?

                     Ghastly, isn't it? I was asked to change
                     the personality type, this was the
                     emergency back-up.

                     How, if you want me to take you somewhere,
                     we're going to have to start using our
                     magic words, "please" and "thank you."

                     Can you change it back?

                     I can -- but I won't enjoy it.

                     I'm wait-ing...

        Arthur sees the Vogon ships getting away. Desperate, he
        shoves_Zaphod out of_the_driver's seat. Zaphod hits the
        floor, considers protesting, lies down on the floor to
        sleep instead -- with a contented smile.

        Arthur sits. He looks very out of place in a seat
        normally reserved for the likes of Han Solo. He scans
        the console. Ford sits in the seat beside him.



                     Don't look at me.   I'm too depressed.


6                                                               62.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                    64
                         (getting desperate)
                     Computer?! Isn't there some kind of
                     manual override switch thing?


                     WELL WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!

                     Magic words?

                     Show me the override switch or I'll
                     reprogram you with a very large axe.

                        (long pause)
                     I can see this relationship is something
                     we're all going to have to work at.

64a     DING. A chime sounds. A switch on the console                 64a
        ILLUMINATES. "MANUAL OVERRIDE." Arthur flips the switch.
        The cockpit is sealed in a glass ball and shoots upwards.

65      EXT. HEART OF GOLD - NIGHT                                    65

        The cockpit bubble POPS out like an ejector seat, now a
        little glass pod. It floats through space, then rear
        thrusters ignite and blast the ship forward.

66      INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE/POD - CONTINUOUS                    66

        An aircraft steering wheel rises up between Arthur's
        legs. He grabs it, spinning out of control.

                     I think I should push this button.

        Ford pushes a big button.    AN ALARM SOUNDS!

                     What's that? What happened?!

                     A sign lit up saying "Please do not push
                     this button again."

        Arthur grabs the control, does his best to steer.

67      EXT. SPACE - NIGHT                                            67

        The glass pod streaks unsteadily forward toward A DULL
        GRAY PLANET.

68      EXT. VOGSPHERE - DAY                                          68

        The rectangular ship sits on the surface as Police escort
        Trillian off it and into a GRAY RECTANGULAR BLDG.

6                                                               63.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9    DIFFERENT PART OF VOGSPHERE/NEAR SWAMP--                          69

         The ground is barren. A scintillatingly jeweled crab
         crawls out of a swamp and looks up at the sky. We hear
         the sound of the pod approaching (but hold on the crab)
         as EEEOOOO-KA-KFFFZZZ! The crab runs back into the
         swamp. PAN LEFT to see the pod rammed into the ground,
         steam rising. The door opens. The three emerge.


                    I know.    Dreadful, isn't it?

                    Sorry about the landing.    Where are we?


                    Wrong. This is the Vogon planet.     This is

                    No.   It's Magrathea!   I know it!

         Ford reaches in his satchel, pulls out a sort of
         ELECTRONIC BERET, pulls it snugly onto Zaphod's head.

                    Little something I learned about on an
                    Altairian star cruiser. Captains use them
                    when they really need to concentrate.

                    What is it?

                    A Thinking Cap.

         Zaphod squints hard to think as he looks around.

70       EXT. VOGCITY                                                      70

         THEIR P.O.V. -- there are rows and rows of dull, gray,
         rectangular buildings as far as the eye can see.

(69 cont) The three men step out of the ship.                          (69 cont)

                    This will all end in tears, I just know

         Marvin moves out, a few paces behind.

                    I checked the guide for ways to rescue a
                    prisoner from Vogsphere. It said "Don't."
                    I'm assuming your plan is better.


6                                                             64.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED:                                                       69

                     Well, I sort of had this idea we could...

        the ground, SMACKS Arthur on the face, then retracts.

        Arthur is stunned. None of the others have noticed.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Did anyone see that?

                     See what?

        They look at Arthur. It suddenly seems ridiculous.


        They all walk along - Arthur at the back, perplexed.

                     What was it?

                     Nothing. Just my imagination.

        Another paddle springs up, double smack in the face.
        Arthur leaps back. Looks down. Nothing. Nothing at all.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Alright, stop. Everyone stop and watch
                     me. Something's happening.

        They watch.    Arthur walks. And walks.

                     Okay.     I think we...

        A paddle springs up and smacks Ford's face.

                               FORD (CONT'D)

        He leaps back, clutching his cheeks.      Arthur spins around.

                     You, too?

                     Yes.    What was that?

        Arthur lifts his feet very carefully.

                               FORD (CONT'D)
                     I th...

        He stops himself and looks round.


6                                                            65.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9   CONTINUED: (2)                                               69

                          FORD (CONT'D)
                  What do you think, Zaphod?

        Zaphod pulls his thinking cap down, thinks hard.

                  I think we should keep going.

        A paddle shoots up, smacks Zaphod's face.    They all saw.

                           ZAPHOD (CONT'D)

                  What the blazes is that?

                     (very deliberately)
                  I have... an idea.

        A paddle shoots up. Ford ducks. It misses. He grabs its
        telescopic stalk. It thrashes in his hands. He breaks it.

                         FORD (CONT'D)
                  Okay, don't think of anything.     Don't have
                  ideas or theories -- nothing.

        A beat. They all strain to think of nothing.     Several
        paddles shoot up. Smacking them.

                  I can't, help it!    Trillian is in there
                  somewhere and we need an idea to save her.

                  I have an idea. (SMACK!) Run!

                  Ever the politician.

        They take off running. A forest of paddle stalks erupts
        out of the ground around them, smacking violently.

        They come to rest at the side of a Vogon building.

                  Okay, so...
                  ...not thinking, not thinking, no ideas
                     (looking to Marvin)
                  ...this is by no means an idea that has
                  any merit, but Marvin -- can you give me a
                                                   SMASH CUT TO:

71      INT. VOGON ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - DAY                     71

        The dullest office environment ever. A counter with few
        VOGONS behind it, mindlessly moving bits of paper around.


7                                                                 66.
                            HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    1n   CONTINUED:                                                         71n

         The front doors BURST open. Arthur storms through them,
         holding Marvin's arm which has the fingers pointed like a
         gun. He trips, falls, drops the arm, picks it up again,
         trying hard to look tough. Ford and Zaphod follow, Zaphod
         wearing the Thinking Cap and sunglasses for disguise.
         Ford wearing his towel over his face like a bandit.

         The Vogons look up, nonplussed.

                      Alright, where is she?

                              VOGON BEHIND COUNTER
                      Who? The Director of Robot Arm repair?
                      Next building, out the door to the left.

         Arthur looks at the arm -- then slowly lowers it.

                      Actually, we're looking for...
                           (how to put this...?)
                      ...someone you're detaining, perhaps in
                      some form of incarceration...

                              VOGON BEHIND COUNTER
                      Prisoner Release Department. Six buildings
                      down, out the door, right, left, then two
                      rights. Big gray building, can't miss it.

                                                                  CUT TO:


         Trillian is seated beside a desk while a VOGON OFFICER
         asks her questions. Kwaltz and Questular stand nearby.

                                VOGON OFFICER


         He types into his ancient looking computer.

                              VOGON OFFICER
                      Not registered.

                      Try Tricia McMillan.

                              VOGON OFFICER
                      Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus of Blaard?

                      No.     Tricia Imogene McMillan of Earth.

         The Officer types, checks his screen, shakes his head.

                                VOGON OFFICER
                      Sorry.    No record of "Earth."


7                                                               67.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED:                                                      72
                     Earth. In the Milky Way?
                     Um...galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.

        The Vogon Officer types, reads from the screen.

                             VOGON OFFICER
                     Right. Here it is. "Earth. Destroyed."
                     Do you have a second home planet?

        PUSH IN ON TRILLIAN -- gutted by the news.

                     Destroyed? No -- that's impossible.

                              VOGON OFFICER
                      Says here it was destroyed to make way for
                      a hyperspace expressway. The order was
                      given...three weeks ago.

                      DESTROY A PLANET!?

                                                              CUT TO:

73      EXT-ADMIN BUILDING-VOGCITY                                      73


                      He said the gray building, right?

        THEIR P.O.V. -- all the buildings are gray. Arthur sees
        2 VOGON POLICE escorting someone in handcuffs into one of
        the buildings.

                     There.   That's it.   This way.

        He raises Marvin's arm, pointing the fingers.


        A, F & Z enter the double doors, then stop short.

        THEIR P.O.V. - a typical government pick-a-number and
        wait sort of room. Bland. Bad lighting. Numbered
        windows. It's packed with all manner of species.

                     Leave this to me. I'm British.
                        (with gusto)
                     I know how to queue.

        He confidently takes a number and gets in line with the
        several hundred others -- feeling very much at home.

(                                                                 68.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03


            Trillian sits at the Officer's desk, arms folded, defiant.

                       I don't believe you. This is some sort of
                       trick. Zaphod wouldn't blow up a planet,
                       especially mine.

            Kwaltz now steps forward and extends a piece of paper.

                       These are the orders.

            Trillian takes the paper, runs her finger down to the
            signature line where it reads "Love and kisses, Zaphod!"

                       Love and kisses...?

            She hands the paper back, swallowing emotion.

                       Now -- according to Section 8, sub-section
                       34 dash A, the punishment for kidnapping
                       is a recitation of the classic poem, "Ode
                       to the Removal of Your Left Kidney."
                       Unless -- said kidnapping is of the
                       President, in which case you are to be fed
                       to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
                       We thank you for your cooperation.

            A door is opened revealing a room with a large steel box.
            A huge, angry eye stares out of a tiny barred window.

            The box shakes like crazy. Trillian gulps.


            Zaphod is in line with Arthur and Ford.     He looks up to:

            A PRESIDENTIAL PHOTOGRAPH -- of himself, in suit and tie,
            smiling broadly. He lowers his thinking cap.

                               FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR

            Arthur steps up, followed by Ford and Zaphod who keeps
            his head low and bowed.

                       Yes. Hi. We're here about getting a
                       prisoner released?

                               FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
                       Prisoner release form?

            She holds out her hand. Arthur doesn't have a form.
            Annoyed, she points across the room to a wall that is
            nothing but shelves holding forms.


                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

(74 cont)CONTINUED:                                                  (74 cont)

                  Right. Once I've filled it out can I
                  return to the front of the line, seeing as
                  I've already waited...

                              FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
                  No.     Next!

        Arthur sighs, frustrated. All three of them walk to the
        shelves holding the forms. Arthur turns to Zaphod.

                  Can't you do something?!     You're
                  President, aren't you?

                  You want me to make a speech, shake a
                  hand? That's what I do -- I think. It's
                  all a little fuzzy.

        Arthur angrily fills out the form.


        Arthur is back in line, having waited a long time. He
        finally gets to the window, hands the green form to the
        Vogon Processor. She types into her computer, then checks
        the screen.

                          FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
                  This Prisoner is being detained for...
                  Kidnapping the president. Not eligible for
                  release at this time. You can make an
                  appointment for a later date or take a
                  number and wait.

        Arthur's breathing quickens.     He can't take this.

                  Alright, look.
                      (yanks thinking cap and
                       sunglasses off Zaphod)
                  This is the President.

        She looks at Zaphod, then back to the large portrait of
        Zaphod, then back to Zaphod. She nods. Okay...

                              ARTHUR   (CONT'D)
                      He says the whole kidnapping thing was a
                      terrible misunderstanding, she didn't mean
                      anything by it and he's ordering you to
                      let her go.

                              FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR
                         (holding up green form)
                      But this isn't a Presidential Release of
                      Prisoner form. Those are blue.

        She points to the wall of forms. Arthur sighs.

(                                                                  70.
                          HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    72 cont) QUICK CUT BACK TO TRILLIAN --                                (72 cont)

            Trillian is lowered into the Bugblatter beast box/cage.
            We cannot see the beast but it's screams of hunger are
            scaring the hell out of Trillian.

(74 cont) BACK TO ARTHUR --                                               (74 cont)

            ...who returns, practically shoving Zaphod forward.
            Zaphod hands the Vogon Processor the blue form.

                                 FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR (CONT'D)

            She reviews the form, stamps it, pulls off the carbon
            copy underneath, hands that to Zaphod.

                               VOGON PROCESSOR
                       Go to the Prisoner Release Lobby, out the
                       door, right, left, 2nd door on the right.

(72 cont) BACK WITH TRILLIAN --                                           (72 cont)

            As she braces herself to be eaten by the monster.
            Suddenly, a couple of VOGON GUARDS enter and hand Kwaltz
            a blue piece of paper. He reviews it, then signs it.

                       You're free to go.    Release her.

            The Vogon Guard pulls Trillian up and out of the box on a
            cable. The Bugblatter beast goes berserk.

                           (yanking blue paper away,
                       He's here?! Zaphod is here!? Let's go
                       get him!

            But the Guard is already escorting Trillian out of the
            room. Kwaltz is completing paperwork.

                               QUESTULAR (CONT'D)

            Kwaltz holds up a walrusy hand, one finger raised,
            silencing Questular while he continues. Questular sighs.

            We hear the Bugblatter beast weeping as the doors are
            closed on him.
                                                              CUT TO:

75          INT. PRISONER RELEASE LOBBY - CONTINUOUS                          75

            A guard escorts Trillian into the Lobby where F, A & Z
            await. Arthur steps toward her but Zaphod steps in front
            of him, smiling, arms outstretched.

            Trillian walks up to Zaphod -- and SLAPS HIM.


7                                                               71.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    5   CONTINUED:                                                     75

                     You bastard. You signed the order to
                     destroy Earth?!

                     He did?

                     I did?

                     "Love and kisses, Zaphod?"  I saw the
                     form. You didn't even read it, did you?

                     Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy. I
                     don't get a lot of time for reading.

                     An entire planet, Zaphod. My home. Gone.
                     All because you thought someone wanted
                     your autograph!

        She SLAPS him again, storms away, bursting out the door.

                     They framed me! It's routine for
                     controlling Presidents!


        Kwaltz finishes his paperwork, stacks it neatly, holds it
        up for Questular to see.

                     Cancellation of the Rescue of the

        He hands it to a Messenger who runs off.    Another one
        runs up.

                             KWALTZ (CONT'D)
                        {with menace)
                     Get me the Apprehension of the President

77      EXT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG. - CONTINUOUS                    77

        Trillian storms away from the building, enraged. She
        sees a one-armed Marvin standing by the glass pod. She
        heads for him. Arthur catches up to her.


                     You knew. Why didn't you tell me?


7                                                              72.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    6    CONTINUED:                                                         76
                      I tried. He threatened me.

                      Get a backbone, Arthur.

         She storms ahead of him.     He stops.

                      What about coming here to rescue you?!
                      That was my brilliant idea!

          A paddle shoots up and slaps him in the face.

(77 cont) EXT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG. - MOMENTS LATER                (77 cont)

         Kwaltz and Questular, flanked by the Vogon police force,
         step out of the building just in time to see...

78       ...THE GLASS HEART OF GOLD POD soaring overhead.                   78

         They all watch as it disappears from sight.

                      The President tests my patience. This
                      time, I shall pursue him myself. Ready my

                      Yes!   This is more like it.

79       INT. VOGON OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER                                  79

         Kwaltz sits in a desk, filling out a form.

         Questular holds two clumps of hair in each fist.

                      THIS IS INSANITY!

                      My license is expired, Mr. Vice President.
                      I can't fly with an expired license --
                      it's against the law.

         Questular fists tremble.     PLOP.   Out comes two large
         tufts of hair.
                                                        SMASH CUT TO:

80       EXT. SPACE - NIGHT                                                 80

         The pod is reattached to the Heart of Gold which soars
         through the stars.

81       INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT                                 81

         They're all getting buckled into their seats.


8                                                              73.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    1   CONTINUED:                                                     81
                        (back to his normal voice)
                     Hi, fellas. Hold on to your hats!

                     Eddie!   Welcome back!

        The ship suddenly BLASTS forward. Their heads are
        slammed back into the seats as they VIBRATE VIOLENTLY.

                     WHAT'S HAPPENING, ZAPHOD?!   WHERE DID YOU
                     TELL IT TO GO?!

                     I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!

        Arthur looks to the console and sees the two mice sliding
        across it, getting thrown across the ship. They continue
        to vibrate -- even more violently.

                     RIGHT WAY?!

        Zaphod is all smiles, hanging on as if he were on a
        rollercoaster ride.

                     ISN'T IT GREAT?!

82      DEEP SPACE--                                                   82

        ...the H.O.G. is but a blur as it streaks along.

83      BACK IN THE H.O.G. - LATER                                     83

        Stars appear on the screen as they slow from hyperspace.

                     Guys, I'm just super happy to tell you
                     we're approaching hyperspace exit Gamma

        Arthur steadies himself, turns to Trillian who's still
        staring forward, angry. She unbuckles her seat-belt and
        moves away from the console.

        A planet appears on screen.     Zaphod and Ford lean

                     Okay, that's it...I think. Computer?      Is
                     that...where are we headed again?


                     Hang on, fella, and I'll check.


8                                                             74.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    3   CONTINUED:                                                     83

        Arthur turns, look over at...

        TRILLIAN -- who stares out a portal window into the
        emptiness of space. A tear rolls down her cheek.

        Arthur steps up, isn't sure what to say.

                     Look, you're right. You deserved to know
                     and I should've told you. I don't blame
                     you if you're angry.

        She turns and stares, wipes the tears away.     Can't speak.

                              ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Right.   Anyway...I'm sorry.

                             EDDIE (O.S.)
                     Guys, it just tickles me pink to tell you
                     we are currently in orbit at an altitude
                     of three hundred miles around the
                     legendary planet of Magrathea. Goll-ee.

        Hearing this news, Arthur, Trillian and Ford turn.

                       (tasting it)
                     Take us in.

83a     EXT. NIGHT DEEP SPACE - MAGRATHEA                              83a

        They all stare in awe as they move toward a planet which
        gets closer and closer. Suddenly, their faces are awash
        with light.

        Two suns rise behind the planet.     It's breathtaking.

                     The twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm...

        Marvin (both arms in tact) rises in the back, peers out.

                     It's rubbish.

83b     Suddenly,a ghostly white swirl of light, vaguely in the        83b
        shape of a man, appears on the screen before them.

                             GHOSTLY IMAGE
                     Greetings. This is a recorded announcement
                     as we're all out the moment. The Commercial
                     council of Magrathea thanks you for your
                     esteemed visit, but regrets that the entire
                     planet is temporarily closed for business.
                     If you would like to leave your name and a
                     planet where you can be contacted, kindly
                     do so at the tone.

        BEEP.   Then stunned silence.


8                                                             75.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    3b   CONTINUED:                                                        83b

                      Closed? How can a planet be closed?

                      For once, Aldus, I agree with you. Okay,
                      computer. Keep going. Take us down.

                      Happy to!

         The ship eases forward. The image appears again.

                              GHOSTLY IMAGE
                      It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm
                      for our planet continues unabated.    As a
                      token of our appreciation, we hope you
                      will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles
                      we've just sent to converge with your
                      craft. To ensure on-going quality of
                      service, your death may be monitored for
                      training purposes. Thank you.

         The image vanishes. A beat.    Then...

                      Guys, I'm delighted to tell you there are
                      two thermonuclear missiles headed right
                      for us. Should I take evasive action?

83c      The screens show two huge rockets thundering at us,               83c
         Zaphod just smiles. Ford steps up.

                      Um...yes, computer.   Evade!

         Massive acceleration! An illuminated dome lowers from the
         ceiling over the crew seats - creating a safety pod.

84       EXT. ABOVE MAGRATHEA. DAWN                                        84

         The Heart of Gold streaks away. Two large missiles follow
         and mimic the H.O.G.'s every move.

85       INT. THE BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS                                      85

         The crew are thrown from one side of the pod to the other.

                      There seems to be something jamming my
                      guidance systems. Impact minus 45
                      seconds. Call me Eddie if it'll help you

(84 cont) EXT. SKY OVER MAGRATHEA - CONTINUOUS                         (84 cont)

              The H.O.G. streaks forward. The missiles are gaining.

                      Computer!   DO SOMETHING!!


(                                                                    76.
                            HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    84 cont) CONTINUED:                                                    (84 cont)
                          Sure thing, fellah. Handing over manual
                          control. Good luck!

            Big swell of Muzak. The ship drops like a stone.
            THE MISSILES -- miss, then turn in a screeching curve.

(85 cont) INT. THE SAFETY POD -                                            (85 cont)

            Zaphod tries to wrestle with three controls.

                          I can't do this without my other arm!

(84 cont) THE H.O.G. -- spirals wildly, missiles narrowly missing. (84 cont)

(85 cont) IN THE SAFETY POD - everyone is thrown.                          (85 cont)

(84 cont) IN THE SKY -- the missiles are dead ahead, shooting              (84 cont)
          straight for us.

(85 cont) IN THE SAFETY POD--                                              (85 cont)

                          Did we lose them?

                          No.   They're right behind us.

            He looks down, sees the IMPROBABILITY DRIVE BUTTON.

                          Look, why don't I just hit this thing?

                          NO! We're here! No telling where it will
                          send us!

(84 cont) IN THE SKY--                                                     (84 cont)

             The missiles turn and accelerate high into the sky. A
             second set of boosters kick in on the missiles as they
             soar back toward the H.O.G. --- much, much faster.

(85 cont) ON THE BRIDGE--                                                  (85 cont)

            They all stare at the approaching missiles. Arthur looks
            at the drive button. Screw it. He flips open the glass

            Too late. ARTHUR HITS THE BUTTON.

            WOOMF! Light blasts through the bridge. Morphing

86          EXT. SPACE. - NIGHT                                                86

            Empty for a moment. Then, the HEART OF GOLD reforms. A
            few beats later, a SPERM WHALE floats into frame followed
            by a BOWL OF PETUNIAS.

8                                                          77.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   INT. THE BRIDGE - NIGHT                                     87

        It coalesces back into shape out of chaos. The safety
        dome rises revealing our heroes standing in the exact
        same place they were - dazed.

                   Um...where are we?

                   Exactly where we were, I think.

                   And the missiles?

                   Have apparently turned into a bowl of
                   petunias and a very surprised looking

        He points to the screen. The whale and petunias float by.

                   At an improbability factor of eight
                   million, seven hundred and sixty-seven
                   thousand, one hundred and twenty-eight to
                   one against.

        They all look to Arthur who shrugs. Zaphod nods his
        approval. Ford counts on his fingers -- are they even?

        He waves it off, gives Arthur a little salute and moves
        on. Trillian looks to Arthur and musters a smile.

                  I could really use a cup of tea.

88      EXT. SPACE - NIGHT                                          88

        The H.O.G. arches away. The whale in mid-air, stops
        rising, starts falling.

                          GUIDE VOICE
                  It is important to note that suddenly, and
                  against all probability, a sperm whale had
                  been called into existence several miles
                  above the surface of an alien planet. And
                  since this is not a naturally tenable
                  position for a whale, this innocent
                  creature had very little time to come to
                  terms with its identity as a whale before
                  it then had to come to terms with suddenly
                  not being a whale any more. This is what
                  it thought as it fell.

        The camera moves around the whale as it falls.


8                                                            78.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                     84
                             WHALE (V.O.)
                     Ahhhh!!!! What's happening? Excuse me! Who
                     am I? Hello? Why am I here? What's my
                     purpose in life? What do I mean by who am
                     I? What is this 'I' that I want to know
                     what it is? Calm down, get a grip now ...
                     ooh! This is an interesting sensation...

        ANGLE: From below. The whale is wriggling a bit.

                             WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                     Oh! This is an interesting sensation,
                     what is it? It's a sort of... yawning,
                     tingling sensation in ... well I suppose I'd
                     better start finding names for things if I
                     want to make any headway in what for the
                     sake of what I shall call an argument I
                     shall call the world, so let's call it my
                     stomach! Good. Ooooh! It's getting quite
                     strong now. And hey,what's this whistling
                     roaring sound going past what I'm suddenly
                     going to call my head? Perhaps I can call
                     that ... wind! Is that a good name? It'll
                     do. Perhaps I can give it a better name
                     later when I've found out what it's for!
                     It must be very important because there
                     certainly seems to be an awful lot of it.
                     Hey! What's this thing ... this ... let's call
                     it a tail - yeah! Tail!

        The whale thrashes its tail. Between the camera and the
        whale drops the bowl of petunias. It falls from sight.

                             WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                     Hey! I can really thrash it about pretty
                     good, can't I? Wow! Wow! Doesn't seem to
                     achieve much but I'll probably find out
                     what it's for later on. How. Have I built
                     up a coherent picture of things yet?
                     No. Never mind. Hey, this is really
                     exciting, so much to find out about, ao
                     much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy
                     with anticipation ... Or is it the wind?
                     There really is an awful lot of that now,
                     isn't there?

        It's eye tries to look down. Camera pulls back from the
        whale, abandoning it ...

                             WHALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                     And hey! What's this thing coming
                     suddenly coming towards me very fast, so
                     big and flat and round it needs a big
                     wide-sounding name like ... ow ... ound...round
                     ... ground! That's it, ground! I wonder if
                     it'll be friends with me?

        We hear a sickening thud o.s.


8                                                            79.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                    84

                                   GUIDE VOICE
                     Curiously, the only thing that went
                     through the mind of the bowl of petunias
                     as it fell was "Oh no, not again."

        We hear the petunia vase SHATTERING.

                             GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
                     Many have speculated that if we knew why
                     the bowl of petunias had thought that we
                     would know a lot more about the nature of
                     the Universe than we do now.

                                                       DISSOLVE TO:

89      EXT. HEART OF GOLD. MAGRATHEA SURFACE - DAY                   89

        The gang stand by A HUGE CRATER (the H.O.G. parked in the
        b.g.) -- a large whale carcass sits in the middle of it --
        along with a few petunias. They all grimace.

        BEYOND THE CRATER -- they see a formation of large rocks,
        aligned in a circle. It's the only structure in sight.

        They walk toward it.

90      EXT. ROCK FORMATION - DAY                                     90

        Arthur walks behind the others, his head down.

                             FORD (O.S.)
                     Hey...this looks familiar.

        Arthur looks up, registers surprise.

        THE ROCK FORMATION -- looks like Stonehenge - only newer.
        The rocks letters carved into them that read "DESIGN

                             FORD (CONT'D}
                     Must be portal doors.

                     You mean -- the hippies were right?

        In the middle of the circle sits a stone receptionist
        desk with a sign on it that says "OUT TO LUNCH."

        Zaphod heads for the "To Design Department" stone.
        Trillian and Ford follow.

        Zaphod feels around it, looking for a switch, a knob,
        anything. He must've hit something because the front of
        the stone suddenly slides open revealing a SWIRLING

                     Okay.   In we go.


9                                                              80.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    0   CONTINUED:                                                     90
                     What?! Are you out of what's left of your
                     mind? We can't step into that...that.

                     We gotta pick one, right? If it's not the
                     right one, we come back and pick another.
                     No biggie.

                     Yes -- big biggie. What if that's the
                     last door we ever step through? What if
                     it rips us into tiny little atomic

        Trillian, who hasn't said a word since leaving Vogsphere,
        covers her ears - trying to block them out

                     It's the right one.   I have a hunch.


                     He's got good hunches.   I say we go.

                     Go with the hunch of a narcissist with
                     half a brain who's wearing a ridiculous
                     thinking cap!? Are you insane?!

                     Hey, I think I resent that.

                     I don't care what you think you think...

        They all start arguing over each other. We focus on
        Trillian -- Anger and frustration building, she covers
        her ears -- then screams....


        And she takes off running for the door. Suicide? Bravery?

        They turn just in time to see her jump into the vortex.
        She YELPS as her body is bent in half, twisted like a
        rung mop, then sucked inside.

        Arthur is horrified, literally gasping for air.      Ford is
        semi-impressed. Zaphod, unfazed.

                     That's supposed to happen...I think.

        Ford shrugs, throws his towel around his neck like a
        scarf and dives through. Same thing. Bent, twisted...


9                                                            81.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    0   CONTINUED: (2)                                                90
                          ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                  Hey, wait for me!

        He runs after Ford, stops at the door, turns like he's
        about to board Air Force one, gives a salute, jumps in.

        Arthur finally gets his legs to move, steps up -- but
        hesitates at the threshold, paralyzed with fear, unable
        to take a step. Then -- FFSSSSH - the door seals shut.

                  No.    No!     NOOO!!!

        He bangs on the stone, slides his hand around like Zaphod
        did, desperately looking for a way to open it. He
        collapses and buries his head in his hands.

                  I told you this would all end in tears.

                                                            CUT TO:

91      EXT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT - MOMENTS LATER                   91

        Ford stands outside a stone doorway at the end of a
        cobblestone street. Zaphod's body falls to the ground
        next to him, untwists, unbends and snaps bolt upright
        beside them.

        Trillian is already heading down the street toward the
        Temple. Ford and Zaphod hurry to catch up to her.

92      EXT. ROCK FORMATION - DAY                                     92

        Arthur sits with his back against the stone, staring
        across the field at the beautiful double sunset. He looks
        over and sees THE TWO MICE FROM THE SHIP -- scurrying
        toward one of the giant stone doors. They slip through a
        crack beneath the stone. A FLASH OF LIGHT bursts through
        the crack. Arthur barely reacts, so drained of emotion.

                  Life is full of paradoxes, isn't it?

                  Don't talk to me about life.

                  Here I am, God knows how far from home...

                  Don't talk to me about God.

                  ...and this is where I see the most
                  spectacular sunset I've ever laid eyes on.
                  We only had the one sun at home. Planet
                  called Earth.


9                                                                  82.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED:                                                       92

                     I know. You keep going on about it.      It
                     sounds awful.

                     Oh no, it's beautiful.    Or at least, it

                     Did it have oceans?

                     Yes.   Great wide rolling blue oceans.

                     Can't bear oceans.

        Arthur looks up at Marvin.

                     So this is how it will all end, then? Me,
                     on a dead planet -- with a manically
                     depressed robot.

                     You think you've got problems? What are
                     you supposed to do if you are a manically
                     depressed robot? No, don't bother to
                     answer that, I'm fifty thousand times more
                     intelligent than you and even I don't know
                     the answer. It gives me a headache just
                     trying to think down to your level.

                             SLARTIBARTFAST    (0.S.)
                     Excuse me.

        Arthur spins to see AN OLD, BEARDED MAN IN LONG ROBES.


        He jumps, crab walks backwards away from the man.

                             ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                     Who are you?

                     My name is not important.

        Arthur continues to scramble away from the man.

                             SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                     You must come with me. Terrible events are
                     afoot. You must come or you'll be late.

                     Late? What for?

                     What is your name, Earthman?


9                                                             83.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    2   CONTINUED: (2)                                                  92
                    Dent. Arthur Dent.

                    Late   as in "the late Dentarthurdent."
                    It's   a sort of threat you see. Never been
                    much   good at them myself, but I'm told
                    they   can be terribly effective.

        He motions to the stone that is marked "To Showroom."

                            SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                    Your friends are safe. You can trust me.

                    Trust a man who won't tell me his name?

                    My name? Very well...
                       (heaves a sigh, reluctant)
                    My name is...Slartibartfast.

        Arthur reacts with a furrowed brow.

                    I said it wasn't important.

        Slartibartfast motions to the door.     He looks to Marvin.

                    I could calculate your chances of survival
                    -- but you won't like it.

        Arthur rises, cautiously moves over to Slarti's side.

                    I must warn you. We are about to pass
                    through, well, a sort of gateway thing. It
                    may disturb you. It scares the willies out
                    of me.

        He puts his hand on a certain spot in the stone and
        presses. The stone dissolves revealing once again the
        jet engine swirling vortex. Slarti motions -- after you.

        Arthur takes a deep breath -- and steps in.


        He is bent, twisted and sucked away.     Slarti follows.

        Marvin stands for a moment, then looks up to...

92a     THE SKY--                                                       92a

        where the fleet of Vogon ships has now arrived.

                    Funny how just when you think life can't
                    possibly get any worse, it suddenly does.

                                                              CUT TO:

9                                                              84.
                      HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    3   INT. VOGON DESTROYER SHIP, BRIDGE - NIGHT                     93

        Kwaltz sits in his chair as they press forward. The
        GHOSTLY IMAGE of the recorded message appears.

                           GHOSTLY IMAGE
                   This is a recorded announcement as we're
                   all out at the moment. The Commercial
                   council of Magrathea thanks you for...

                   Turn that off.
                                                            CUT TO:

94      INT. MAGRATHEA/PLANET SHOWROOM - DAY                          94

        Arthur is hunched over a litter bin, barfing.

                   I told you you might find it a bit

                   I have found this whole day a bit

        Arthur realizes he has his towel with him. He wipes his
        mouth with it, dabs his brow. Then he notices...

        ...THE ROOM -- which is like a car dealer's showroom only
        instead of cars there are models of various planets.

                   Did you know we built planets?

        No.   Arthur didn't know that.   He looks perplexed.

                           SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                   Fascinating trade. Doing the coastlines
                   was always my favorite. Used to have
                   endless fun doing all the little fiddly
                   bits round fjords. But the Galactic
                   economy collapsed, and seeing that custom-
                   built planets are something of a luxury
                        (getting back on subject)
                   At any rate, there's been a terrible mix
                   up with your planet. You must come with me
                   or it's all going to blow up in our faces.
                   The best laid plans of mice, you know...

                   ...and men.

                   Mmmm? What?

                   The best laid plans of mice and men.


9                                                            85.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    4   CONTINUED:                                                    94

                     I don't think men have got much to do with

        Arthur looks confused.     Slarti motions him to a door.

95      Arthur readies his towel at his mouth as Slarti hits a        95
        button. The door slides open and nothing happens. It's
        just a door that leads to a room where several TRANSPORT
        CARTS move past -- like a kids ride at Disneyland. They
        step into one. Slarti closes the little door. The cart
        MOVES through a curtain, out into DEEP SPACE.

        PULL BACK - till the cart is no more than a speck being
        pushed forward by the longest telescoping arm in history.

96      INT. - PLANET FACTORY - NIGHT                                 96

        The space is millions of miles across. Floating in it are
        half-finished planets, construction gantries around them.

                             SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                     Welcome to our factory floor.

        ON ARTHUR -- who is positively blown away.
                                                            CUT TO:

97      INT. TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT -- CONTINUOUS                     97

        Ford, Zaphod and Trillian enter the dimly lit temple.
        They hear a faint, tinny sound. They follow it.


        The sound gets louder. Tinny music. And laughter...
        Flickering light illuminates the end of the corridor.

                     This is it!

        He quickens his pace. Trillian and Ford follow.      They
        round the corner to find...

        DEEP THOUGHT -- sitting there majestically.     The TINNY
        MUSIC emanates from somewhere near him.

        Zaphod takes another step in and now sees the source of
        the TINNY MUSIC.

        Deep Thought is watching TV.     A violent, stupid cartoon.

                             ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                     Deep Thought...!

                              DEEP THOUGHT
                     Shhh.   This is a good bit.

        The cartoon continues. Zaphod enters, removes his
        thinking cap and reverently approaches. He kneels...


9                                                               86.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED:                                                     97
                     Oh great Deep Thought...we have traveled
                     long...and far.
                     Have you calculated... the Ultimate
                     Question? Of Life, the Universe and

                              DEEP THOUGHT


                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     I've been watching TV.


        Zaphod holds a smile but his world is slowly crumbling.

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     I designed another computer to perform
                     that great task.

                     Oh, right...I forgot.
                        (looking around)
                     Is it here?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Not here. Another world.

                     It's on another world?

                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     It is another world. Or was.


                             DEEP THOUGHT
                     Ask your companion.

        Zaphod turns to Ford.     Ford looks confused.

                             DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
                     Not him.

        Zaphod looks to Trillian. She looks equally confused.
        Zaphod puts the thinking cap back on. Strains hard.

                     0kay -- you're sure you don't have the
                     Or a way to you, you know -- access it or
                     something. I think I've done like a lot
                     to get here...


9                                                             87.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED: (2)                                                 97
                          DEEP THOUGHT

        Zaphod looks up.    Deep Thought is shushing him?

                          DEEP THOUGHT (CONT'D)
                  The show's back on.

        A robotic arm reaches out and turns up the volume.

        Zaphod stands, turns to Ford and Trillian, smiles that
        smile -- but it's starting to look a bit crazed.

                  Great. This is just great. Let's go find
                  something else for my entire life to be

        He starts to march off.    Ford grabs his arm.

                  Zaphod. The gun? The one Humma sent us
                  for? We have to get it. You gave the guy
                  your head.

                  I know.    Why did I do that?

        He pulls his thinking cap down -- all the way over his
        eyes. Ford rolls his eyes, turns...

                  Um...Deep Thought? We we're told you have
                  a g...

        Before he finishes the sentence, a PANEL in the wall
        slides open revealing a LARGE, SCARY LOOKING GUN. A
        robotic arm pushes it forward.

        Ford goes over, takes it, carries it like it's
        nitroglycerin to Zaphod who's already walking away,


        Ford hands Zaphod the gun.

                             FORD (CONT'D)
                  Here.     Take it. I don't do guns.

        Zaphod takes it with a smile...

                  Thank you.

        ...and instantly points it at his head. Ford lunges for
        it. There's a struggle. Ford's trying to get Zaphod's
        finger off the trigger when CLICK! The trigger is
        pulled. Ford winces. But apparently, nothing has

                            ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                  Great!    This is a bust, too!

9                                                          88.
                     HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    7   CONTINUED: (3)                                              97

                  Hey, man, you must be really frustrated.
                  To go through all you did only to come
                  here and get no answer, which means no
                  fame and money, and you deserve that, man.
                  Because you're great -- you're just
                  really, really great.

        Zaphod isn't sure what just happened. But he smiles
        anyway. Trillian, however, is onto something.

                  Give me that thing.
                                                         BACK TO:


        The transport cart moves past two half-finished planets
        and on toward a 3rd planet. Construction gantries and
        clouds obscure our view.

                  The galaxy was a bit of a shambles, you
                  see. Everyone enjoying themselves being
                  singers and comedians and really creative
                  and interesting things like that. No one
                  doing the boring jobs.

                  Oh, you had that problem, too?

                  In spades. So a species was genetically
                  engineered to do the boring jobs. Tax
                  inspectors, traffic wardens, government
                  officials. We were commissioned to build
                  a special planet for them.
                  Problem was, some cleverdick made it so
                  any time one of the creatures had an
                  interesting idea it would get a hefty
                  smack around the face.

                  What? You did that? I've been there!

        The cart lowers down toward the surface of the planet.

                  Then I gather you've met some of the

                  The Vogons?

                  Relentless blighters.

9                                                              89.
                      HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    9a   EXT. MAGRATHEA - DAY                                           99a

         TWO MISSILES screech overhead and soar up toward...

         THE VOGON SHIPS -- descending from space. The missiles
         each hit a ship. They explode. Two more missiles fire,
         taking out two more ships. But several ships do land.
         Marvin watches from within the Stonehenge formation.

99                          MARVIN                                      99
                   Life. Loathe it or ignore it, you can't
                   like it.

                                                             BACK TO:

100      INT. CORRIDOR/TEMPLE OF DEEP THOUGHT - DAY                     100


                   ...and you're right, I shouldn't be so
                   upset 'cause life goes on and I should
                   just go on with it, right?

         PULL BACK TO REVEAL -- Ford is hesitantly aiming the gun
         at Zaphod.

                   Shoot him again.

         Ford reluctantly pulls the trigger.    CLICK.

                  Hitchhiking is good.    Towels are good,


                  Yeah.    I kinda like this.

         She take the gun from him.

                  A gun that makes people suddenly see
                  things from your point of view. Useful
                  tool for the deranged evangelist trying to
                  convert the masses, eh?

         She starts walking.

                          TRILLIAN (CONT'D)
                  We should get back. Arthur's waiting.

                  Who cares?

                     (spinning on him; pointed)
                  I do -- especially since we're both
                  somewhat of an endangered species now.


1                                                               90.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    00   CONTINUED:                                                       100
                   Why so edgy?

         She can't believe he's asking this.     She aims the gun,

                           ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                   Of course you're edgy, your planet's been
                   blown up and you've been tooling around
                   the Galaxy with the guy who signed the

         CLICK.   She shoots him again.

                           ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                   You actually wanted to know the Question
                   because you always thought there was more
                   to life, and now you're crushed because
                   you find out there really isn't.

         She's getting angrier and more hurt.     CLICK.

                              ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                      You've got no home, no family, no one to
                      be with -- and you're stuck with me,
                      another in a long line of men who doesn't
                      appreciate you because he's too busy
                      appreciating himself.

         Hearing this puts a lump in her throat, causes her eyes
         to well with tears. She lowers the gun.

         Zaphod shakes his head -- the effect wearing off.       But he
         realizes what he said and doesn't like it.

                              ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
                      Give me that thing.

         He grabs the gun, points it at her.

                      Won't affect me.   I'm already a woman.

         Before he can react, A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINES BEHIND THEM.
         They turn, shielding their eyes.

                      Uh oh -- oh. It's okay, it's only a
                      couple of...

         FLASH! KEEEOOOW!    They are engulfed in WHITE LIGHT.

                                                            BACK TO:

101      EXT. DEEP SPACE (FACTORY FLOOR) - CONTINUOUS                     101

         The transport cart continues toward the 3rd planet.

                      Here we are, then. Look familiar?

         Arthur turns and looks. There before him is...

1                                                             91.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    O1a   EARTH -- Arthur is thunderstruck...then confused.           101a

                    So -- it wasn't destroyed?

                    Actually, it was. This is a back-up.
                    Earth Mark II.

                    So you're saying you ... made the Earth?

                    Well, not me alone. It was a group
                    effort. I did my part, though. Ever heard
                    of a place, I think it's called Norway?

101b      Arthur nods. The cart pushes through the clouds, towards    101b
          Ayers Rock. A GUY ON A LADDER is painting it it's
          familiar red color. Some of it is still primer grey.

                            SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                    That was one of mine. Won an award you
                    know. Lovely crinkly edges. I was sorry
                    to hear about it being blown up. Shocking
                    cock up. The mice were furious.

                    Mice?    Who cares about bloody mice?

                    Are you a fan of plate tectonics?

          Arthur looks up.   Slartibartfast points down.

101c      ANOTHER MAN pushes a button causing mountains to spring     101c
          up noisily.

                             SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                    Voila!   Himalayas. Good, eh?

          Arthur is working very hard to process all this.

101d      JUMP CUT. They move through a forest where a man presses    101d
          a lever making several MUSHROOMS pop up on the ground.

                            SLARTIBARTFAST (CONT'D)
                    Earthman, you must realize that the planet
                    you lived on was commissioned, paid for,
                    and run by mice. It was destroyed shortly
                    before the completion of the purpose for
                    which it was built. Ten minutes later, we
                    would have been free and clear. But we
                    gave them our standard ten million year
                    warranty and they have come here to
                    retrieve this back-up copy. And they've
                    brought you with them.

          The transport cart flies out of forest toward the ocean.


1                                                                92.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    01d   CONTINUED:                                                     101d
                    They brought...I'm sorry, when you say
                    "mice" do you mean the little white furry
                    creatures with the cheese fixation?

                       These creatures you call "mice" are merely
                       the protrusion into our dimension of hyper-
                       intelligent pan-dimensional beings. The
                       whole business with the cheese must've
                       been a front. They were experimenting on
                       you, you see. A vast computer program...

                       Ah. I see where you're confused.    You see
                       -- we were experimenting on them.

101e      Over the ocean, a "Perfect Storm" wave rolls toward them.      101e

                       Oh, I gather they arranged for you to
                       conduct some primitively staged
                       experiments so they could prod your
                       thinking here and there. But you were
                       actually elements in the computer program.
                       They really are very clever hyper-
                       intelligent pan-dimensional beings.
                          (looking down)
                       Ah. They've nearly finished the oceans.

101f      They move toward the white cliffs of Dover. A man stands       101f
          on a cliff holding a giant hose, water spewing from it.

                       So -- you're trying to tell me that mice
                       designed and built Deep Thought...and Deep
                       Thought designed the Earth...which was a
                       giant supercomputer...that you
                       calculate the Ultimate Question. Only,
                       Vogons destroyed it ten minutes before the
                       program was completed?

                       That's bureaucracy for you.

                       Actually, this explains a lot. All my
                       life I've had this strange feeling that
                       something was going on in the world,
                       something big, something sinister ...

                       That's just perfectly normal paranoia.
                       Everyone in the universe has that.

102       EXT. EARTH II. ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE - CONTINUOUS                102

          A & S swoop down and soar over the English countryside --
          partially constructed; tall tree stocks with branch and
          leaves lying beside them, waiting to be attached. Men
          rolling out sod like a giant carpet, etc.


1                                                              93.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    02   CONTINUED:                                                     102
                      I don't know, perhaps I'm old and tired,
                      but I always think that the chances of
                      finding out what's really going on are so
                      absurdly remote that the only thing to do
                      is say hang the sense of it and keep
                      yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy
                      than right any day.

                      And are you?

                      No. That's where it all falls down of
                         (slowing the platform)
                      Here we are, then.

l03      The platform slows to a stop.      Arthur steps out and is     103
         stunned to see...

         HIS HOUSE. It's partially constructed. The chimney lies
         intact on the ground, waiting to be hoisted up. A row of
         hedges lies on it's side beside a trench. But it's his
         house alright.

                      Is this...?

         Slartibartfast nods.      Arthur, in a daze, stumbles toward
         the house.

103a     INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 - CONTINUOUS                   103a

         Arthur enters his house. There is no furniture, no
         photographs or books or any evidence of his existence
         there. He feels the walls, the countertops. He's home?

                                TRILLIAN (O.S.)

         Arthur pokes his head around a wall to find...

104      FORD, ZAPHOD AND TRILLIAN -- sitting at an elegantly set       104
         table -- stuffing their faces with a meal fit for a king.

103a     INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 -                              103a

                      What -- what are you doing? What happened
                      to you?

         They talk while continuing to stuff food in their mouths.

                      Funniest thing. (chew, chew) Our hosts
                      attacked us with Dismodulating Anti Phase
                      Stun Mist (chew, chew) then brought us to
                      this amazing meal as a way to make it up
                      to us (chew, chew). Try the mutton. It's


1                                                                94.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED:                                                    103a
                         (mouth full)
                       Zarking incredible.

          They can't seem to stop eating, like they've been

                       Hosts attack you --? And then you sit
                       down for -- is that tea?

          Arthur has spotted a TEA POT on the table. He hurries to
          it, feels it. Warm. He pours a cup, takes a sip,
          Closes his eyes, enjoying it.

                               ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                       Now that's a cup of tea.

                               FRANKY MOUSE (O.S.)
                       We're glad you like it, Earth creature.

          He looks down and sees THE TWO WHITE MICE sitting on a
          silver platter.

                               BENJY MOUSE
                       After ten million years on Earth, and a
                       rather large chunk of that time in
                       England, it would be utterly humiliating
                       if we didn't know how to make a decent pot
                       of tea.

          Arthur stares in shock...can't speak.

                       Arthur, these are our hosts. Benjy mouse
                       and Franky mouse (chew, chew).
                       They control a large sector of the
                       Universe in our dimension (chew, chew).
                       I'm sorry, I thought you were told about
                       the mice...

                       Yes. Yes, I was. I just wasn't quite
                       prepared for the full reality of it.

          He steadies himself on the table.

                               BENJY MOUSE
                       Sit, Earthman. Eat.

          Benjy pushes his hand through the air, the chair at the
          end slides backward.

                       In a moment, perhaps.   I can't seem to let
                       go of this table.

          Slartibartfast steps forward.


1                                                              95.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED: (2)                                                103a
                    Pardon the interruption, but I'll just be
                    getting back to work now.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    That won't be necessary, Slartibartfast.

                       (cracking up, like he's stoned)
                    Smarty fart blast?



                            BENJY MOUSE
                    It looks like we won't be needing the new
                    Earth after all, now that we've found the
                    only living native of the planet.

                    But...they've nearly finished the oceans.

                            FRAHKY MOUSE
                    That will be all, Slartibartfast.

          Slarti, slightly hurt, backs away out of sight.

                    I'm sorry, when you say "the only living
                    native" -- do you mean me? What about

          Benjy holds up a strand of hairs, same color as Trillian's.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    We performed some rudimentary DNA tests on
                    the ship. She's half-native. Her real
                    father was a Blahardid, the hyper-
                    intelligent yet carelessly nomadic race
                    native to the planet Olbed, who apparently
                    popped in to Earth for a one-nighter with
                    a one Ms. Francis McMillan.

                       (looking up, mouth full)
                    Which explains a lot.

          She goes back to eating.    Arthur is taking this all in.

                    So -- mostly harmless and me.    That's it.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    We're sorry to have stage managed you so
                    shamelessly, but once we learned you were
                    the only full-blooded Earthling in the
                    universe, it was important that we get you
                    here by any means necessary.


1                                                              96.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED: (3)                                               103a
                            FRANKY MOUSE
                    We've spent a considerable amount of time
                    on your planet trying to find this
                    wretched Ultimate Question, and the
                    thought of doing it all over again on
                    account of those idiotic Vogons sickens me
                    to no end. Which is why you're here.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Sit, Earthling. Sit.

          Arthur goes to pull out the chair beside him.

                    NOT THERE!

          Arthur jumps. The others look up.      Benjy and Franky
          cover their outburst with a smile.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    This chair is much more -- comfortable.

          Benjy makes a motion. The chair he pushed out before
          slides over behind Arthur's knees, making him sit.

                              BENJY MOUSE (CONT'D)

          He slides the cup of tea over.     Arthur takes a sip.

                    Mmmm.    This really is delicious.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Good. Glad you like it.      Now -- to

          Ford and Zaphod raise their glasses like drunken sailors.

                    To business!

          Benjy and Franky fire them a look.

                    Sorry.    Thought you were proposing a


          Ford and Zaphod eat. Benjy turns to Arthur. Smiles. No
          one notices, through the window, a row of Vogons cresting
          the hill.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    About this Ultimate Question. You see,
                    we've been offered a quite enormously fat
                    contract to do the 5D TV chat show and
                    lecture circuit, and quite frankly, we're
                    very much inclined to take it.


1                                                             97.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED: (4)                                              103a

                            FRANKY MOUSE
                    But - and here's the point - we have to
                    have product. Which means we still need
                    an ultimate question.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Or at least, one that sounds ultimate.

                               FRANKY HOUSE
                    Yes.     Got to sound good.

                    An Ultimate Question that sounds good...
                    From a couple of mice...for a chat show.

                            FRANKY MOUSE
                    And as it turns out, the chances are
                    astronomically high that the structure of
                    the question is encoded in your brain.
                    Which is why we need it. More tea?

          Franky tries to pour more tea. Arthur stops drinking, a
          little woozy. Did he hear them right?

                    I'm sorry -- did you just say you need my

                               BENJY MOUSE
                    Yes.     To extract the question.

                    You can't have my brain. I'm using it.

                               FRANKY MOUSE

                             BENJY MOUSE
                     We can replace it if you think it's
                     important. An electronic brain maybe.

                             FRANKY MOUSE
                     A simple one should suffice. Who would
                     know the difference?

                     I would!

                             FRANKY MOUSE
                     No, you wouldn't. We could program you not

          Arthur tries to get up. Clamps spring up from the chair
          and wrap around his arms. A dome flips over from the
          back and slams down on his head. Arthur struggles.

                     Ford!    Zaphod!   TRILLIAN!!


1                                                             98.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED: (5)                                                103a

          They're gorging on the food, half-lidded, out of it.

                            ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                    What are they-- what's in the food?!
                    WHAT WAS IN THAT TEA!?

          The platter the mice are standing on rises up, moves toward
          Arthur, ominous surgical instruments spring from it.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.

          The mice on the platter move ominously toward Arthur.
          Arthur, still attached to the chair, backs away.

          Scythes and rotating arms with circular saw blades shoot
          out -- ominous surgical equipment to remove his brain.

                    Wait a minute, JUST WAIT A SODDING

          The scythes and arms stop spinning. Arthur stumbles
          backwards and sits down in the chair. The others stop
          eating and listen.

                            ARTHUR (CONT'D)
                    You want the question that goes with the
                    answer "42" How about "What's six times
                    seven?" Or "How many Vogons does it take
                    to screw in a lightbulb?" Or here's one,
                    "How many roads must a man walk down?"

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Hey, that's not bad.

          Through the opposite window (in much the same way
          bulldozers arrived in the opening) we see more Vogons

                    Fine. Take it. There's plenty more where
                    that came from because my head is filled,
                    with questions, and I can assure you mate,
                    no answer to any of them has ever brought
                    me one iota of happiness. Confusion? Yes.
                    Indecision? Loads. But happiness...?

          He shakes his head.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    We don't want to be happy.   We want to be

                            FRANKY MOUSE
                    Take his brain.


1                                                              99.
                       HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    03a   CONTINUED: (6)                                               103a

          Benjy steers the platter toward Arthur. He jerks his
          arms up. They break free of the shackles and hit the
          platter. The mice fly through the air and land on the
          table -- right beside the POV gun. They scramble to
          their feet.

                            BENJY MOUSE
                    Shoot him!!

          They try to lift the POV gun but it's way too heavy.

          Arthur, his butt still strapped in the chair, leaps over
          to the table and grabs the first thing he sees -- a leg
          of mutton. He raises it high. Benjy and Franky look up.

                            FRANKY MOUSE
                    Oh, shit.

          Arthur brings the mutton down, squashing them flat.

          The others instantly snap out of their food induced haze,
          Zaphod suddenly clutches his gut.

                    Ohhhh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

          Arthur looks up and now he sees the Vogons marching down
          the hill toward the house. He leans over the table,
          bumping his teacup. IT SHATTERS TO THE GROUND.

105       ON THE HILL JUST BEYOND --                                   105

          An ARMY OF VOGON POLICE march over it.    Amongst them...

          MARVIN -- marches as well, a gun held to his head.

                       (to the Vogon)
                    I must warn you, I'm feeling very

                    Mr. President!     We are here for your

          Zaphod appears at the front door and waves Presidentially.

                    Thank you!

106       The Police open fire. Zaphod and the others flee as the      106
          barrage of fire continues. Trillian drops the POV gun,
          goes back for it. Arthur stops her and pulls her behind
          the truck. Marvin catches a bullet in the back of his
          head - sparks fly and he is thrown forwards! Is he dead?

          BEHIND THE TRUCK --

          FORD looks at MARVIN lying face down in the dirt - his
          head emitting smoke.


1                                                                 100.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    06   CONTINUED:                                                      106
                      Okay -- that thing I said about not saving
                      my life because we're even? Scratch that.
                      Save at will.

                      We need that gun.

                         (campaign sound-byte)
                      We need tighter gun control!

                      We need his other head.
                         (an idea)
                      Okay -- I'll create a distraction.

         He holds up his towel.

                      Brilliant plan. I'm certain it will work.

                          (squinting at Arthur)
                      You know -- I think sometimes you say
                      things that mean something other than what
                      you're actually saying.

         More gunfire erupts. Ford spins his towel until it's
         twisted and taught. He leaps up and runs towards...

107      ...THE VOGON POLICE FORCE -- who see him coming, his            107
         towel held like he's going to whip someone on the ass.

                              FORD (CONT'D)

         The Vogons are so caught off guard, they back away.


108      She and Arthur both run out toward the gun.                     108

                    ARTHUR                        TRILLIAN
         I thought I was...what are       I thought I was...I'll get
         you... get back... okay          it... you already... fine,
         fine...                          fine

         They each grab the gun just as Questular realizes...

                      It's a towel! It's only a TOWEL!!     GET

         The Police stop their retreat, raise their guns, move
         forward. Ford skids to a stop and runs back toward
         Arthur and Trillian, both clinging to the gun, running
         back toward the truck. GUNFIRE ERUPTS. A and T TRIP.
         The POV gun goes flying and lands in... MARVIN'S ARMS.


1                                                               101.
                        HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    08   CONTINUED:                                                       108

         The Vogon Police run in formation toward the gang.       Ford
         looks back, sees the Vogons approaching. He looks
         forward, sees Marvin raising the gun.



         He looks to the skies just as Ford fans out his towel and
         uses it to bring Z, A & T to the ground just as...


         Questular ducks. CLICK. The entire Vogon Police force is
         hit. They instantly stop. Their shoulders slump.

                           VOGON POLICE FORCE
                      (in unison)
                      Oh what's the point?

         They turn their weapons on themselves and...

         their heads as we hear the weapons fire. They look up.

108a     All the Vogon Police lie motionless on the ground                108a
         including Kwaltz. Questular is the last man standing.

         He marches toward them, patches of clump baldness on his
         head. He drops to his knees.

                      Shoot me. Please Zaphod. Shoot me.

         Zaphod takes the gun, fires it at Questular.       He rises --
         and paints on a big smile.

                              QUESTULAR (CONT'D}
                      What am I so pissed off about? I'm great?
                      I'm zarking incredible! Everyone loves
                      me! WHOOO HOOO!!! Look at me...etc.

         Questular runs towards a lake/blow hole, takes off his
         clothes and jumps in.

                      Marvin.    You saved our lives.

                      I know.    Wretched, isn't it?

                      (distant) Oh man! I love being me!!

         They share a laugh.      Arthur approaches Slartibartfast.

                      Thank you.


1                                                               102.
                         HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

    08a   CONTINUED:                                                   108a

                       I've just been informed by some of the
                       lads that since we're so near completion,
                       we're going to go ahead and finish Earth.
                       We can put it back exactly the way it was
                       when you left, you know -- unless there's
                       anything you'd like to change. Something
                       you think your planet could do without?

          Arthur thinks about it...looks around...slowly nods...

                       Yes.   Me.

          He looks to Trillian who raises an eyebrow.    Really?
          She smiles.

                       Let's go somewhere.

                       Yes, You name it. I'll go.

                       I'm going to Humma's. He has my head...I
                       think. Doesn't he? I'm so confused.

                       And I'm hungry. After we get your head
                       let's grab a bite. I know this great
                       restaurant at the end of the universe.

          As they walk away, we CUT TO...

109       SLARTI'S FACTORY ELEVATOR -- where they all board.           109

                       Okay. Hold tight.

          Everyone grabs the rail, except for Trillian who holds on
          to Arthur. SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHVUMP! Up into the sky they go.

                               VOICE (O.S.)
                       Stand-by for commencement of life cycle.
                       All systems checked and cleared.

          We hear KL-KLUNK. BZZZZZZZ... and watch nature burst
          into life - animals run - flowers bloom - waterfalls
          cascade - mountains rise in the mist - monkeys bathe in
          hot springs etc. Set to a wonderful, uplifting piece of
          music ("WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD?").

          Tilt up to the sky. The day turns to night. Stars appear.
          The Heart of Gold streaks through the stars.

                                 THE END

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The

Writers :   Douglas Adams
Genres :   Adventure  Comedy  Sci-Fi

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