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ALL SCRIPTS


                              JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK

                                      Screenplay by

                                       Kevin Smith

                

                                                         OVER BLACK WE SEE:

               CHYRON

               A long time ago, in front of a convenience store far, far 
               away--

               EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAY

               We FADE IN on the block of stores (Quick Stop/RST), from 
               sometime ago, In fact, RST isn't RST; it's THE RECORD RACK -- 
               a 45's store with head shop paraphernalia in the window. A 
               white-trash MOTHER (maybe seventeen) wearing a baseball cap 
               comes into frame carrying a chubby BABY. The Baby wears an 
               oversized t-shirt under what looks like a little bathrobe, 
               and messily eats a CHOCOLATE BAR. There are food stamps in 
               the Mother's hands.

                                     MOTHER
                         Bobby-Boy stay here while mommy picks 
                         up the free cheese, 'kay?

               She looks up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes slightly, 
               then looks back at the baby on the ground. She takes off her 
               baseball cap and places it on the baby.

                                     MOTHER
                         This'll keep the sun out of your 
                         eyes. You be good now.

               She walks away, leaving the baby sitting against the wall. 
               With the backwards baseball cap and the chocolate around his 
               mouth forming something that resembles a beard, the kid looks 
               kind of familiar.

               Then, another MOTHER (also very young) decked out in a KISS 
               concert shirt from years gone by and huge, feathered hair 
               enters, with a black skullcap wearing BABY slung at her hip. 
               She sees the first Baby, sitting against the wall and sets 
               her Baby down beside him.

                                     MOTHER
                         Don't fucking move, you little shit-
                         machine. Mommy's gonna try to score.

               A PASSERBY enters, heading toward the convenience store. He 
               takes note of the Babies and the Mother heading into the 
               record store, and then stops and addresses her, disgusted.

                                     PASSERBY
                         Excuse me--who's watching these 
                         babies?

                                     MOTHER
                         The fat one's watching the little 
                         one.

                                     PASSERBY
                         Oh, nice parenting.
                              (walking away)
                         Leave'em out here like that and see 
                         what happens.

               The Passerby walks away. The Mother flips him the bird.

                                     MOTHER
                         FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!

                                     PASSERBY
                              (waving her off)
                         Ah, keep on truckin'.

                                     MOTHER
                              (to baby)
                         D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me 
                         how to fuckin' raise you? 
                         Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking 
                         think he is? What's the worse fuckin' 
                         thing could happen to you sitting 
                         outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck!

               The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. 
               Then, they look at each other. The larger one says nothing. 
               The smaller one says--

                                     BABY
                         Fuck, fuck, fuck...

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               THE PRESENT

               JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The Record 
               Rack is now RST VIDEO.

               Jay is mid-chant.

                                     JAY
                              (as a chant)
                         --fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother 
                         fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother-
                         fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, 
                         noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed, 
                         smoking weed, doing coke, drinking 
                         beers!  Drinking beers, beers, beers, 
                         rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who 
                         smokes the blunts? We smoke the 
                         blunts!

               A pair of TEENS approach them.

                                     TEEN 1
                         Lemme get a nickel bag.

                                     JAY
                         Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the 
                         money in my hand. If the money does 
                         not show, then you owe-me-owe-me-
                         owe.
                              (changing up to Morris 
                              Day)
                         My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! 
                         I think I want to know ya', know ya'--

                                     TEEN 1
                              (digging in pockets)
                         What the hell are you singing?

                                     JAY
                         You don't know "Jungle Love"? That 
                         shit is the mad notes. Written by 
                         God Herself and handed down to the 
                         world's greatest band--the 
                         motherfucking Time.

                                     TEEN 2
                         The guys in that Prince movie?

                                     TEEN 1
                         Purple Rain.

                                     TEEN 2
                         Man, that shit was so gay--fucking 
                         eighties style.

               Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against 
               the wall.

                                     JAY
                         Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind 
                         word about The Time! Me and Silent 
                         Bob modeled our whole fucking lives 
                         after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a 
                         smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and 
                         Tubby here's my black manservant!

               Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door 
               behind him.

                                     RANDAL
                         What'd I tell you two about dealing 
                         in front of the store? Drop the kid 
                         and peddle your wares someplace else, 
                         burn-boy.
                              (walking away)
                         And for the record, The Time sucked 
                         ass.

               He exits. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. After 
               a beat--

                                     JAY
                         Yo-youse guys wanna hear something 
                         fucked up about him and the Quick 
                         Stop guy?

               INT. QUICK STOP-DAY

               Randal joins Dante behind the counter. Dante rings up a 
               customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the 
               counter. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a 
               newspaper.

                                     RANDAL
                         Hey, can't we do something about 
                         those two stoners hanging around 
                         outside all the time?

                                     DANTE
                         Why? What'd they do now?

                                     RANDAL
                         I'm trying to watch Clash of the 
                         Titans, and all I can hear is the 
                         two them screaming about Morris Day 
                         at the top of their lungs.

                                     DANTE
                         I thought the fat one didn't really 
                         talk much.

                                     RANDAL
                         What, am I producing an A&E Biography 
                         about 'em? I'm just saying they 
                         shouldn't be loitering around the 
                         stores like they do.

                                     DANTE
                         Neither should you, but we let you 
                         stay.

                                     RANDAL
                         See, man--if you were funnier than 
                         that, ABC never would've canceled 
                         us.

                                     DANTE
                         What?

                                     RANDAL
                         Nothing.

               Enter Teen 1 and Teen 2, chuckling.

                                     TEEN 1
                         Two packs of Wraps.
                              (beat)
                         Yo--how was the service?

                                     RANDAL
                         What service?

                                     TEEN 2
                         The one at the Unitarian church where 
                         you two got married to each other 
                         last week.

                                     RANDAL
                         What the hell are you talking about?

                                     TEEN 1
                         Jay said you had a Star-Wars--themed 
                         wedding and you guys tied the knot 
                         dressed like storm troopers.

                                     TEEN 2
                         Yeah. And he said you're the bitch 
                         and you're the butch. Oh, sorry--the 
                         Leia and the Luke.

                                     DANTE
                         I'm the bitch?!

                                     RANDAL
                         Well if we were gay, that's how I'd 
                         see it.

                                     DANTE
                         Would you shut up?!

                                     TEEN 1
                              (to TEEN 2)
                         Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's 
                         over.

                                     DANTE
                         We're not married to each other.

                                     TEEN 1
                         Well, sure. Not in the eyes of the 
                         state or any real church, Skywalker.

                                     RANDAL
                              (heading for the phone)
                         That does it. I'm gonna do something 
                         about those two. I shoulda done a 
                         long time ago

                                     TEEN 2
                         In a galaxy far, far away!

                                     TEEN 1
                              (exiting)
                         May the Foreskin be with you. Hand 
                         Jabba the Hutt.

                                     RANDAL
                              (into phone)
                         Yeah, I want to report a couple of 
                         drug dealers out in front of the 
                         Quick Stop.

               EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY

               Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a 
               COP, who frisks them.

                                     JAY
                         What the Fuck, Serpico? What'd we 
                         do?

                                     COP
                         We got a report that two guys were 
                         hanging around outside the stores, 
                         selling pot?

                                     JAY
                         We don't smoke pot, yo.

               Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers.

                                     TEEN 1
                         Here're the rolling papers you wanted 
                         for your pot. And your change. Thanks.
                              (getting in Jay's 
                              face)
                         And The Time sucks ass!

               Teen 1 races off. Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop 
               stops them, grabbing the rolling papers out of Jay's hand. 
               He eyeballs the pair.

                                     COP
                         No pot, hunh? What do you need this 
                         for?

                                     JAY
                         What?  I got a wiping problem. I 
                         stick these little pieces of paper 
                         over my brown-eye, and bam--no shit 
                         stains in my undies.
                              (unbuttoning pants)
                         You don't believe me? Lemme show 
                         you.

               Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back 
               over his shoulder.

                                     JAY
                         Just spread my cheeks a little and 
                         you can see the fucking stink nuggets--

                                     COP
                         Pull up your pants up sir, Now!

               Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Silent Bob 
               cracks up. The Cop grabs them both, leading them toward the 
               car.

                                     COP
                         Let's take a ride down to the station.

                                     JAY
                         What? It's suddenly a crime to fart, 
                         motherfucker?!

               EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAY

               An ESTABLISHING SHOT of Brodie's store in the heart of Red 
               Bank.

                                     BRODIE (O.S.)
                         No fucking way!

               WE GO TIGHT on the huge, cartoon sign of BRODIE outside to--

               INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATER

               BRODIE himself, holding a stack of comics in one hand and a 
               Dixie cup in the other, Jay and Silent Bob follow him as he 
               puts new books in the racks.

                                     BRODIE
                         Dante and Randal slapped you with a 
                         restraining order?!

                                     JAY
                         Judge said if we go within a hundred 
                         feet of the stores, we get thrown 
                         into County.

                                     BRODIE
                         So you gonna abide by the court's 
                         ruling or you gonna go Bandit--
                         Reynolds style?

                                     JAY
                         Fuck yeah! You know what they make 
                         you do in county? Toss the fucking 
                         salad! I don't like this fuck's 
                         asshole; I'm gonna do it for some 
                         stranger?

                                     BRODIE
                         I guess if you really wanted to hang 
                         out in from of a convenience store, 
                         you could just buy your own now--
                         what with all that money you guys 
                         made.

                                     JAY
                         Hell yeah, bitch.
                              (beat)
                         Wait a second--what money?

                                     BRODIE
                         The money from the movie, dumb-ass.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are you babbling about?

                                     BRODIE
                              (pulling a bagged-and-
                              boarded issue down 
                              from the wall)
                         The Bluntman and Chronic movie.
                              (dawns on him)
                         Oh my God--don't tell me you have no 
                         idea there's a movie being made of 
                         the comic you two were the basis 
                         for.

                                     JAY
                         What?! Since when?

                                     BRODIE
                         Goddamit, man--
                              (taps his wrist)
                         Here's the pulse, alright. And here's 
                         your finger--
                              (shoves his hand down 
                              the back of his pants)
                         --far from the pulse, jammed straight 
                         up your ass.
                              (extracts hand and 
                              extends it to Jay)
                         Say--would you like a chocolate 
                         covered pretzel?

               Brodie leads them back to the counter.

                                     BRODIE
                         You see, kids, if you read Wizard, 
                         you'd know it's the top story this 
                         month.  Check it out.

               Brodie hands Jay and Silent Bob a copy of Wizard, opened to 
               the headline: Snootchie Bootchies! Bluntman and Chronic Get 
               Big Screen Treatment!  There are pictures of HOLDEN MCNEIL 
               AND BANKY EDWARDS, as well as drawings of Bluntman and 
               Chronic.

                                     JAY
                         When the fuck did this happen?!

                                     BRODIE
                         Well, after X-Men hit at the box 
                         office, all the studios started buying 
                         up every comic property they could 
                         get their hands on. Miramax optioned 
                         Bluntman and Chronic.

                                     JAY
                         Miramax? I thought they only made 
                         classy flicks like The Piano and The 
                         Crying Game?

                                     BRODIE
                         Yeah, well once they made She's All 
                         That, everything went to hell. So 
                         you're saying you haven't gotten a 
                         cut of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil 
                         and Banky Edwards used to pay you 
                         likeness rights for the comic book?

                                     JAY
                         We haven't seen a fucking dime for 
                         no movie!

                                     BRODIE
                         Well boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think 
                         Holden and Banky owe you some of the 
                         proverbial phat cash. I mean they're 
                         making a movie based on characters 
                         that are based on you and Quiet 
                         Robert.

                                     JAY
                         It ain't me and Quiet Robert. It's a 
                         pair of stupid-ass superheroes that 
                         run around saying "Snitchy-Nitchies" 
                         or something.

                                     BRODIE
                         I believe it "Snootchie Boochies."  
                         Regardless--you're getting screwed. 
                         If I was you guys, I'd confront Holden 
                         McNeil and ask him for my movie check.

                                     JAY
                         Shit yeah. We gotsa get paid.

                                     BRODIE
                         And on that note, we cue the music.

               Jay lays down a House bass beat. Brodie complements it with 
               his own beat.

               EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAY

               Jay and Silent Bob mosey past the front door of the building 
               and knock.

               INT. POTZER'S INC--DAY

               Holden McNeil, opens the door and smiles.

                                     HOLDEN
                         Well! I have been waiting years to 
                         do this.
                              (smiles)
                         Look at these morose motherfuckers 
                         right here. Smells like someone shit 
                         in their cereal. Bunngg!

               Jay and Silent Bob enter. Holden closes the door, following 
               them.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck took you so long 
                         answering your damn door? You trying 
                         to talk another girlfriend of yours 
                         into some of that gay-ass three-way 
                         action with your buddy?

                                     HOLDEN
                         No, I was just showering your mother's 
                         stink off me after I gave her a quick 
                         jump and sent her home. But now that 
                         you mention it--
                              (to Bob)
                         Thanks, you know. You could've made 
                         the moral of that story you told me 
                         a bit more clear.

               Silent Bob shrugs.

                                     HOLDEN
                         So what brings you two dirt merchants 
                         to my neck of the woods?

                                     JAY
                         Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are 
                         doing in your woods--

               Silent Bob holds up the Wizard article.

                                     JAY
                         Where's our motherfucking movie check?

                                     HOLDEN
                         You heard about that too, Hunh? Well, 
                         I've got nothing to do with it. That's 
                         Banky's deal. He owns the property 
                         now. I signed my half of the Bluntman 
                         and Chronic right over to him years 
                         ago.

                                     JAY
                         Why the fuck would you do a thing 
                         like that?

                                     HOLDEN
                         Because I'm almost thirty, for God's 
                         sake--why on earth would I want to 
                         keep writing about characters whose 
                         central preoccupations are weed and 
                         dick and fart jokes? You gotta grow, 
                         man. Don't you ever want more for 
                         yourself?
                              (off Silent Bob)
                         I know this poor, hapless sonovabitch 
                         does. I look in his doe eyes and I 
                         see a man crying out, "When, Lord? 
                         When the fuck can your servant ditch 
                         this foul-mouthed little chucklehead 
                         to whom I am a constant victim of 
                         his folly, and who bombards me and 
                         those around us with grade-A 
                         foolishness that prevents me from 
                         even getting to kiss a girl? Fuck! 
                         When?!

               Silent Bob nod like he's finally understood. Jay looks at 
               him, hurt, and Bob tried to downplay the comment's truth.

                                     JAY
                         I'm the chucklehead? Fuck you--you're 
                         the dumb-ass who gave away his comic, 
                         and now you ain't got no fat movie 
                         check neither.

                                     HOLDEN
                         When you're right, you're right. I 
                         wish I'd broken off a little piece 
                         for myself. Because if the buzz is 
                         any indication, the movie's gonna 
                         make some huge bank.

                                     JAY
                         What buzz?

                                     HOLDEN
                         The Internet buzz.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck is the Internet?

               INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATER

               Holden's at a computer terminal. Jay and Silent bob look 
               over his shoulder.

                                     HOLDEN
                         The Internet is a communication device 
                         that allows people the world over to 
                         bitch about movies and share 
                         pornography with one another.
                              (off monitor)
                         Here's what we're looking for: "Movie 
                         PoopShoot.com"

                                     JAY
                              (to Bob)
                         "PoopChute." Yeaaahhh.

                                     HOLDEN
                         This is a site full of militant movie 
                         buffs: sad bastards who live in their 
                         parents' basements, downloading 
                         scripts and trading what they believe 
                         to be inside info about movies and 
                         actors they despise yet can't stop 
                         discussing. This is where you go if 
                         you wanna hear frustrated would-be 
                         filmmakers mouth off with their two-
                         bit, arm-chair-director's opinions 
                         on how they all could've made a better 
                         Episode One.

               On the computer monitor, we see the site mainpage load up. 
               Holden begins navigating the site.

                                     HOLDEN
                         Here. This is about the Bluntman 
                         movie.
                              (reading)
                         "Inside sources tell me Miramax is 
                         starting production this Friday on 
                         their adaptation of underground comic 
                         fave Bluntman and Chronic."

                                     JAY
                         Friday?! Shit. Does it say who's 
                         playing us in the movie?

                                     HOLDEN
                         No, but if it's Miramax, I'm sure 
                         it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. 
                         They put'em in a bunch of movies.

                                     JAY
                         Who?

                                     HOLDEN
                         You know--the guys from Good Will 
                         Hunting.

                                     JAY
                         You mean the fucking movie with Mork 
                         from Ork in it?

                                     HOLDEN
                         Yeah, I'm not too big a fan either. 
                         Though Affleck was the bomb in 
                         Phantoms.

                                     JAY
                         Word, bitch. Phantoms like a 
                         motherfucker.

               Holden and Jay slap hands. Holden points at the monitor again.

                                     HOLDEN
                         Now down here is where you can gauge 
                         the buzz. This is the Shoot Back 
                         area. It's where people who read the 
                         news get to chime in with their two 
                         cents. Here's what a guy who goes by 
                         the chick-magnet Net handle of "Wampa-
                         One" thinks about Bluntman and 
                         Chronic.
                              (reading)
                         "Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid 
                         alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only 
                         work in small doses, if at all. They 
                         don't deserve their own movie."
                              (to Jay)
                         He's got a point.

                                     JAY
                         Fuck him. What's the next one say?

                                     HOLDEN
                              (reading)
                         "Bluntman and Chronic is the worst 
                         comic I ever read. Jay and Silent 
                         Bob are stupid characters. A couple 
                         of stoners who spout dumb-ass 
                         catchphrases like a third-rate Cheech 
                         and Chong or Bill and Ted. Fuck Jay 
                         and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their 
                         stupid asses."

                                     JAY
                         Who the fuck said that shit?!

                                     HOLDEN
                         A guy who calls himself "Magnolia-
                         Fan."  Check out what the guy after 
                         him said: "Jay and Silent Bob are 
                         terrible, one-note jokes that only 
                         stoners laugh at.  They're fucking 
                         clown shoes. If they were real, I'd 
                         beat the shit out of them for being 
                         so stupid. I can't believe Miramax 
                         would have anything to so with this 
                         shit. I, for one, will be boycotting 
                         this movie. Who's with me?"
                              (leans back)
                         And then there are about fifty more 
                         posts from people who agree to join 
                         Spartacus-here's boycott of the flick.

                                     JAY
                              (grimly)
                         I'm gonna kill all these fucks--

                                     HOLDEN
                         Ah, let it go. Number one, they're a 
                         bunch of jealous little dicks who 
                         use the anonymity of the Net to insult 
                         people who're doing what they wish 
                         they were doing, and number two, 
                         they're not really talking about you 
                         guys--they talking about Bluntman 
                         and Chronic.

                                     JAY
                         But they said Jay and Silent Bob! 
                         They used our real names. It doesn't 
                         matter that there's a comic book 
                         version of us and a real version, 
                         'cause nobody knows we're real in 
                         real life.

                                     HOLDEN
                         Really.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah! And all these people who read 
                         that shit think the real Jay and 
                         Silent Bob are a couple of faggots 
                         'cause of that all these dicks are 
                         writing about the comic book Jay and 
                         Silent Bob! And maybe one night, me 
                         and Lunchbox'll be macking some bitch, 
                         and she'll be like "Oooo! I want to 
                         suck youse guys dicks off. What's 
                         your names?"  And I'll be like, "Jay 
                         and Silent Bob." And she'll be like, 
                         "Oh--I read on the Internet that 
                         youse guys were little fucking 
                         jerkoffs."  And then she goes and 
                         sucks two other guys's dicks off 
                         instead! Well fuck that!  We gotta 
                         put a stop to these hateful sonsa-
                         bitches before they ruin our good 
                         names!

                                     HOLDEN
                         First off, I don't know how good 
                         your names really are. Secondly, 
                         there's not much you can do about 
                         stopping this bile. The Internet's 
                         given everyone in America a voice, 
                         and everyone in American has chosen 
                         to use that voice to bitch about 
                         movies. As long as there's a Bluntman 
                         and Chronic movie, the Net-nerds are 
                         gonna have something negative to say 
                         about it.  Jay steams, thinking. 
                         Then, a light dawns on him.

                                     JAY
                         But wait a second--if there wasn't a 
                         Bluntman and Chronic movie, then no 
                         one would be saying shit about Jay 
                         and Silent Bob, right?

                                     HOLDEN
                         They're not saying anything about 
                         you now--they're talking about 
                         fictional characters!

                                     JAY
                              (oblivious to Holden; 
                              to Bob)
                         So all we gotta do is stop 'em from 
                         making the movie!

                                     HOLDEN
                         Yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of 
                         thousands of dollars in royalties 
                         you're due in the process. Are you 
                         fucking retarded? Look, I'm probably 
                         not alone in the opinion that this 
                         flick is the worst idea since Greedo 
                         shooting first. I mean, a Jay and 
                         Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to 
                         see that?

               Holden, Jay and Silent Bob pause and look at the camera for 
               a beat. Then--

                                     HOLDEN
                         But since it is happening, you might 
                         as well just ignore the idiots on 
                         the Internet, go find Banky, and get 
                         your "motherfucking movie check." As 
                         you so succinctly put it. That's 
                         what's important here.

                                     JAY
                         No, Holden McNeil--what's important 
                         here is that there's a bunch of 
                         motherfuckers we don't even know 
                         calling us assholes on the Internet 
                         to a bunch of teenagers and guys who 
                         can't even get laid. Putting a stop 
                         to that is the most important thing 
                         we could ever do.
                              (off monitor)
                         When did it say they're making that 
                         movie?

                                     HOLDEN
                         They start this Friday.

                                     JAY
                         So if today's Tuesday, that gives us--
                              (counts)
                         Eight days.

                                     HOLDEN
                         It's more like three days.

                                     JAY
                         Right. Three days to stop that stupid 
                         fucking movie from getting made! 
                         C'mon, Silent Bob--

               Jay and Bob stand and look at each other, filled with purpose.

                                     JAY
                         We're going to Hollywood.

               They stride off. Holden shakes his head.

                                     HOLDEN
                         Now that's what I call the Blunt 
                         leading the Blunt.

               EXT. BUS STATION--DAY

               Jay and Silent Bob approach a bus that's labeled "Los 
               Angeles." They nod at each other and then climb aboard. After 
               a beat, they re-emerge.

                                     JAY
                         Tickets? Since when did they start 
                         charging for the bus?

               They head toward the depot.

                                     JAY
                         Didn't we used to ride that shit to 
                         school every day for free?

               EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

               The bus roars past a sign that read: Leaving New Jersey.

               INT. BUS--SAME

               Jay makes his way up to the DRIVER.

                                     JAY
                         We in Hollywood yet?

                                     DRIVER
                         It's a three--day ride to Los Angeles, 
                         sir. We left twenty minutes ago.

                                     JAY
                         I didn't ask you about Los Angeles. 
                         I asked you about Hollywood.

                                     DRIVER
                         Hollywood's in Los Angeles, sir.

                                     JAY
                         Don't change the subject! Are we in 
                         Hollywood yet or not?

                                     DRIVER
                         Please sit down, sir.

               Jay glares at the Driver and heads back to his seat.

                                     JAY
                         Why don't you take your seat Ralph 
                         Kramden--

               Jay slumps into the seat beside Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         I'm fucking bored, man. There ain't 
                         shit to so on this bus.

               Silent Bob mimes jerking off.

                                     JAY
                         I already did that. Twice.

               Silent Bob shrugs, looking out the window, Jay looks across 
               the aisle and spots a CHILD IN A HELMET playing a handheld 
               video game. He leans over to him.

                                     JAY
                         Yo, Gretzky--lemme get a turn.

                                     CHILD
                         Leave me alone, little kid.

               The Child gives him the finger. Jay goes wide-eyed, turning 
               to Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         That fuck called me a little kid and 
                         gave me the finger! Go kick his ass!

               Silent Bob offers an incredulous look, as if to say, "He's 
               ten years old."

                                     JAY
                         You're my muscle, ain'tcha?

               Silent Bob kind of nods.

                                     JAY
                         So go open a can of whup-ass on that 
                         little fuck, and get me his game!

               Silent Bob sighs and stands. He climbs over Jay into the 
               aisle and stands in front of the child. He looks at him and 
               registers doubt. He looks back to Jay, who waves him on. 

               Silent Bob steels himself, looks back to the kid and reaches 
               for his game. The Child emits a high-pitched scream and starts 
               punching himself in the head. Silent Bob dives back into his 
               seat, trying to look nonchalant. The Child stops crying. Jay 
               looks at Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         You're one tough motherfucker, you 
                         know that?

               EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

               The bus pulls over by the side of the road.

               INT. BUS--DAY

               The Bus Driver heads down the aisle toward the back of the 
               bus, followed by pissed-off PASSENGERS.

                                     PASSENGER
                         They been in there going on half an 
                         hour now! Two of them! Doing God 
                         knows what!

               The Bus Driver bangs on the bathroom door and shouts.

                                     DRIVER
                         This bus isn't moving another inch 
                         unless you clear out of there right 
                         now!

               No answer. The Bus Driver bangs on the door harder.

                                     DRIVER
                         DO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR! 
                         NOW!!

               The door handle turns, the door swings wide, and massive 
               amounts of smoke suddenly billow through the back of the 
               bus. The smoke clears to reveal Jay and Silent Bob squeezed 
               into the bathroom, holding a massive joint.

                                     JAY
                         Um--I think something's burning back 
                         here.

               EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER

               As the bus pulls away, Jay and Silent Bob are revealed, left 
               behind.

                                     JAY
                         The whole fucking world's against 
                         us, dude. I swear to God.

               Silent Bob nods. Jay sticks out his thumb and starts hitching.

               EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER

               Jay and Bob are walking backwards, hitching still.

                                     JAY
                         This sucks balls, man. How come we 
                         ain't getting no rides?

                                     VOICE
                         'Cause you're doing it all wrong.

               Jay and Bob look behind them. There's a GUY hitching as well.

                                     GUY
                         You gotta induce the drivers a little.

                                     JAY
                         Like how?

                                     GUY
                         Like this.

               The GUY holds out his sign to them. It reads: Will Give Head 
               For Ride.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah, but what happens when you get 
                         in the car, and you don't make with 
                         the head? Don't they kick your ass 
                         to the curb?

                                     GUY
                         Sure--if you don't make with the 
                         head.

               Jay and Bob look at him for a long beat. Then--

                                     JAY
                         Eww! You eat the cock?!?

                                     GUY
                         Yeah. If it'll get me a few hundred 
                         miles across country. I'll take a 
                         shot in the mouth.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah, but we ain't gay.

                                     GUY
                         Well, neither am I. But have you 
                         seen the price of bus tickets lately? 
                         Shit--I don't wanna cough up two 
                         hundred bucks just to get to Chicago.

                                     JAY
                         Well, I don't wanna cough up some 
                         dude's sperm!

                                     GUY
                         Don't be so suburban--this is the 
                         new millennium. Gay, straight--it's 
                         all the same now. There're no more 
                         lines.

               Jay draws a line on the ground with his foot.

                                     JAY
                         There's one. On this side of it, we 
                         ain't gay.

                                     GUY
                         All hitchers do this. Why do you 
                         think people pick us up? If you get 
                         a ride, it's expected--I don't care 
                         who the driver is. It's the first 
                         rule in the Book.

                                     JAY
                         What book?

                                     GUY
                         The unwritten Book of the Road.

               A TRUCK starts to pull over to the side of the road. The Guy 
               points to it, as if to say "See?" The passenger-side door 
               opens. The Guy climbs into the truck and closes the door. He 
               looks out the window at Jay and Bob.

                                     GUY
                         Follow the rules of the Book, and 
                         you'll get where you're going in no 
                         time.  Excuse me.

               Through the windshield, Jay and Silent Bob see the Guy go 
               face-first into the TRUCK DRIVER'S lap. The Truck Drivers 
               smiles, and the truck takes off, roaring down the road.

               Jay and Silent Bob watch the truck disappear. Then, a CAR 
               pulls up. The NUN driving rolls down the passenger side window 
               and leans toward them.

                                     NUN
                         You two boys need a ride?

               INT. CAR--LATER

               The NUN drives, smiling. Jay and Silent Bob sit in the back 
               seat, huddled close together, their eyes glued on the Nun.

                                     NUN
                         You both don't have to sit back there. 
                         One of you can sit up here with me.

               Silent Bob shakes his head "no" to Jay. Jay shrugs and climbs 
               up front.

                                     NUN
                         So where are you boys from?

                                     JAY
                         New Jersey.

                                     NUN
                         What brings you to Indiana?

                                     JAY
                         We're going to Hollywood.

                                     NUN
                         Hollywood, hunh? That's a long ways 
                         away.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah--we're lucky you picked us up.

                                     NUN
                         Well, do unto others. That's what 
                         the Book says.

                                     JAY
                              (misinterpreting 
                              completely)
                         Wait a minute--you follow the Book, 
                         too?

                                     NUN
                         I live my life by it.

                                     JAY
                         Really? You?

                                     NUN
                         Of course. You know how lonely it 
                         gets on the road? Thanks to the Book, 
                         I'm never alone--if you know what I 
                         mean.

                                     JAY
                         I guess. This guy back there explained 
                         it to us. But I didn't think you'd 
                         be into that.

                                     NUN
                         Are you kidding? I've dedicated my 
                         life to it. Every hour of every day.

                                     JAY
                         Shit--you nuns are alright.

                                     NUN
                         You live by the Book, too?

                                     JAY
                         You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta.

                                     NUN
                         That's good to hear. But it takes 
                         deed, not words. It's a lot easier 
                         to say you live by the Book than to 
                         actually do it.
                              (looks at him)
                         Can you do it?

                                     JAY
                         You want me to do it right now?

                                     NUN
                         No time like the present, right?

               Jay looks back at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shakes his head 
               "no." Jay shrugs them flips his hair over his shoulder, and 
               starts to bend down.

                                     JAY
                         Alright.
                              (he suddenly stops)
                         You hear that? She's not a Catholic. 
                         She's a Presbyterian.

               Jay disappears below the dash, The Nun goes wide-eyed.

               EXT. ROADSIDE--DAY

               The Nun's car screeched to the side of the road. Jay gets 
               kicked our of the front seat by the screaming Nun. Silent 
               Bob rushes out too, and the car races off. Jay's wipes his 
               mouth. He pulls a long curly hair from between his teeth.

                                     JAY
                         Dude--she had seventies bush.

               EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT

               Jay and Bob continue hitching.

                                     JAY
                         I can't believe this shit. Five hours 
                         and not a single ride. Every day, 
                         millions of people hitch to Hollywood 
                         and stop studios from making movies 
                         about 'em. But when you and me try 
                         it, it's like we're trapped in a 
                         fucking cartoon!

               A familiar-looking VAN pulls up in the other side of the 
               raid, The horn beeps.  Jay and Bob look at each other, shrug, 
               and race across the street, get in. The van pulls off.

               INT. VAN--NIGHT

               Jay and Bob sit in the back of the can and stare at--

               A clean-cut GUY, a Bookish woman in glasses, a red headed 
               Beauty, a stoner DUDE, and a GREAT DANE.

               Jay looks at Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         Zoinks, yo

                                     GUY
                         And now we can finally solve the 
                         mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls! 
                         Pull off their masks and let's see 
                         who they really are!

                                     BOOKISH
                         I don't think they are masks.

                                     BEAUTY
                         I don't think they're Hitchhiking 
                         Girls either.

                                     BOOKISH
                         Ghouls, you fucking moron. Not Girls.
                              (to herself)
                         Though I wish they were hitchhiking 
                         girls. Sexy, skimpily clad hitchhiking
                         girls--

                                     GUY
                         Let's kick them out. We've got a 
                         mystery to solve.

                                     DUDE
                         The only mystery here is why we take 
                         our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!

                                     GUY
                         Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed you 
                         to the fucking dog!

                                     BEAUTY
                              (covering her ears; 
                              shrieking)
                         I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!

                                     JAY
                         YO!

               The Gang look to Jay and Bob.

                                     JAY
                         Youse guys need to turn those frowns 
                         upside down! And we got just the 
                         thing for that.
                              (pulls out a bag of 
                              joints)
                         We call them Doobie Snax.

               INT. VAN--WEED VISION

               As Jay and Bob toke up, we go all SLO-MO and 70's freaky 
               (with the image seeming to SWIM). Through their stoned haze, 
               we see old-school witches, skeletons, and ghouls swirling 
               about their heads--the latter of which gets his mask taken 
               off to reveal a man inside a costume.

               Jay and Bob look at the gang, then take a hit off their joint 
               and look back.  Suddenly, the gang's engaged in total 
               debauchery: the Dude rides the windshield while the Guy 
               cackles insanely, blindfolded by his neckerchief. Bookish 
               and Beauty are in their underwear, making out with each other. 
               The Great Dane looks at Jay and Bob and says--

                                     GREAT DANE
                         Ri, Ray rand Rirent Rob

               The Great Dane rolls over, revealing its RED THING sticking 
               way out of its sheath. It's monstrous. Jay and Bob go wide-
               eyed.

                                     JAY
                         Look at his fuckin' lipstick!!! He's 
                         got a stoner-boner!!!

               Jay and Bob smile and pass out.

               We cut back to the gang, who now appear as they did prior to 
               Weed-Vision. They stare at the O.C. Jay and Bob.

                                     BEAUTY
                         I think they passed out.

                                     GUY
                         Great. What do we do with them now?

                                     DUDE
                         Let's cut out their kidneys to sell 
                         on the black market and leave them 
                         in a seedy motel bathtub full of 
                         ice.

                                     BOOKISH
                         Oh God, not again?

               INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHT

               Jay lies in a bathtub full of ice, screaming. There's a scar 
               on his back.

               EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAY

               Jay wakes up suddenly, screaming. He startles Bob awake as 
               well, as he clutched at this back lifting his shirt to see 
               the scar. It's not there.

                                     JAY
                         Holy shit, I had a horrible dream.
                              (looks around)
                         Yo, I'm hungry. Where can we get 
                         some breakfast?

               Bob looks around, and then locks on something O.C. He points, 
               and Jay looks, smiles widely, and nods.

               EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAY

               An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the fast food eatery, as Jay and Bob 
               enter.

               INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAME

               As the pair head for the counter, Jay notices a public 
               INTERNET TERMINAL. He tugs at Silent Bob's arm.

                                     JAY
                         Yo--check that shit out: the Internet. 
                         Let's see if those fucks said 
                         something new about us and that stupid 
                         flick.

               Bob shrugs, heading for the terminal. He inserts a dollar 
               and types, following it up with a mouse click. The pair look 
               at the screen and go wide-eyed.

                                     JAY
                         "Any movie based on Jay and Silent 
                         Bob is gonna lick balls, because 
                         they both, in fact, lick balls. Namely 
                         each other's."

               Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, wide-eyed.

                                     JAY
                         Eww.
                              (reading further)
                         "Yes--they are real people. Real 
                         stupid people. Signed, Darth Randal."
                              (to Bob)
                         Motherfucker! It's time we wrote 
                         something back! Type this shit down.

               Silent Bob starts typing as Jay dictates.

                                     JAY
                         All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. 
                         You are the ones who are the ball-
                         lickers.  We're gonna fuck your 
                         mothers whole you watch and cry like 
                         little bitches. Once we get to 
                         Hollywood and find those Miramax 
                         fucks who are making the movie, we're 
                         gonna make 'em eat our shit, then 
                         shit our shit, then eat their shit 
                         which is made of our shit that we 
                         made 'em eat. Then all you 
                         motherfuckers are next.  Love, Jay 
                         and Silent Bob.

               Silent Bob finishes typing and presses "Return". He and Jay 
               nod at each other, then head over to the counter line, looking 
               up at the menu board.

                                     JAY
                         That'll fucking show 'em. Now we eat 
                         our Egga-Mooby-Muffins, then get 
                         back on the road, get to Hollywood, 
                         and stop that fucking movie from 
                         getting made. No more hairy-bush 
                         nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye 
                         on the prize, and not let nothing--
                         and I mean NOTHING--distract me.

               As Jay finishes speaking, he looks to the O.C. doors and 
               freezes.  A gorgeous GIRL walks through the front doors, all 
               in SLO-MO to the tune of Prince's The Most Beautiful Girl in 
               the World. She's bathed in light, glowing.

               She bats her eyelashes, gliding toward us.

               Jay is mouth-agape wide eyed. Silent Bob looks at him, then 
               at the O.C.Girl. He slowly waves his hand in front of Jay's 
               eyes, getting zero response.

               JAY'S POV

               The Girl smiles at us. His POV goes from her face, down to 
               her breasts, then down to her crotch.

               Jay moves past Silent Bob and meets the Girl in the middle 
               of the floor. He embraces her and lands a long, sweet kiss 
               on her mouth. After a beat, he starts fumbling like a teenager 
               to get to second base under her shirt, totally incongruous 
               with the music. The Girl kindly tries to deter him.

               But it's just a fantasy. Jay's still standing there next to 
               Silent Bob, but he is sporting a huge BONER. Silent Bob rolls 
               his eyes. He grabs a soda cup off the counter and sticks it 
               over Jay's boner, just as the Girl joins them in line. She 
               smiles at the zombified Jay.

                                     GIRL
                              (off cup)
                         Oh my God. Do you get free refills 
                         with that?

                                     JAY
                         Oh, what--this? I just wear this for 
                         protection. You know--so no guys try 
                         to grab my shit.

                                     GIRL
                         Hi. I'm Justice.

                                     JAY
                              (dreamily)
                         And I am so fucking yours--

               Silent Bob pokes Jay, who shakes of his daze.

                                     JAY
                         I mean hi. I'm Jay. And this is my 
                         hereto life-mate, Silent Bob.

                                     JUSTICE
                         It's nice to meet you.

                                     JAY
                         Justice, hunh? That's a nice name.
                              (under his breath, to 
                              Bob)
                         Jay'n'Justice, sitting in a tree. F-
                         U-C-K-I-N-G--
                              (back to Justice)
                         So you come here often?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Oh, I'm not from around here. My 
                         friends and I are taking a road trip, 
                         and we just stopped to grab something 
                         to eat.

                                     JAY
                         Your friends, hunh? Where they at?

                                     JUSTICE
                              (pointing)
                         Out there. By that van.

               Jay and Bob look past Justice to see a VAN with three other 
               gorgeous GIRLS stretching outside of it, throwing their hair 
               around, looking incredibly sexy.

               Without looking at Silent Bob, Jay quietly says to him--

                                     JAY
                         Dude--I think I just filled the cup.

               INT. VAN--DAY

               Jay and Bob climb into the can, getting odd looks from the 
               other Girls, Justice follows them in, tossing the fast food 
               to her friends.

                                     JAY
                         Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent 
                         Bob are in the Hizz-ouse!!!

                                     SISSY
                         Who the fuck are these guys?

                                     JUSTICE
                         This is Jay and Silent Bob.
                              (to Jay and Bob)
                         Guys, this is Sissy, Missy, and 
                         Chrissy.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Where the fuck did they come from?

                                     JUSTICE
                         I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch 
                         a ride.

                                     SISSY
                         I don't know if that's such a great 
                         idea. Jussy.

                                     JAY
                         Sure it is, Juggs.

                                     MISSY
                         Oh my god--he just called Sissy 
                         "Juggs"!

                                     CHRISSY
                         I'm on it.

               Chrissy lunges toward Jay, pulling a knife.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Chrissy, no!

               Sissy stops Chrissy, shoving a burger into her hands.

                                     SISSY
                         We're in the middle of suburbia, 
                         Chrissy. Let's try to act like it.

                                     CHRISSY
                         And what-stupid ass little foul-
                         mouthed bitch-boys don't get their 
                         balls cut off in suburbia?

                                     JAY
                              (oblivious)
                         What's with the knife? We having 
                         cake or something?

                                     CHRISSY
                         Holy shit--he's retarded, to boot.

                                     JAY
                              (to Silent Bob)
                         Yo--she called you retarded.

                                     SISSY
                              (to Justice)
                         What's wrong with you, Justice? You 
                         do remember where we're going, don't 
                         you?

                                     MISSY
                         That we do have a job to do?

                                     JUSTICE
                         They're just gonna tag along for a 
                         few miles. They won't get in the 
                         way, I promise.
                              (cutesy)
                         Please?

                                     SISSY
                         Fine--they can ride with us. But 
                         they're so out of here before we get 
                         to Boulder.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Honest Injun.

                                     CHRISSY
                         "Honest Injun"?
                              (to Sissy)
                         I can't believe what a pushover you 
                         are.

                                     JAY
                         And I can't believe fine-ass bitches 
                         like yourselves eat that shit. Don't 
                         you know fast food makes girls fart?

               Suddenly, Jay and Bob are parted by BRENT, who's getting 
               into the van.

                                     BRENT
                         Say--what's all this talk about 
                         farting?

               Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy immediately go from disgusted to 
               sweet and airy, totally switching characters.

                                     SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSY
                         Hi Brent!

                                     SISSY
                         This is Brent. He's with us, too.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Brent, tell these sillies that girls 
                         don't fart.

                                     BRENT
                         Of course they don't! Only skeevy 
                         stoners fart.

               The very white Brent puts his hand out to be slapped by Jay 
               and Silent Bob.

                                     BRENT
                         What up, homies?
                              (off the Girls)
                         Wow, Three guys, four girls--
                              (to Jay and Bob)
                         What's the count boys?

               Jay and Bob look at each other and roll their eyes.

               EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

               The van drives down the road. We hear singing from inside.

               INT. VAN--DAY

               Brent strums a guitar and sings, as the Girls and Jay and 
               Bob listen, rolling eyes.

                                     BRENT
                         Hey there mister science-guy. Don't 
                         spray that aerosol in my eye. For I 
                         don't really want to die. I'm a noble 
                         rabbit!

                                     JAY
                         What're you guys, like a cover band 
                         or something?

                                     SISSY
                         We're the Kansas State chapter of 
                         S.A.A.C.--Students Against Animal 
                         Cruelty.

                                     CHRISSY
                         And we're on our way to Colorado to 
                         give Provasik a piece of our minds!

               Everyone lets out a whoop, except Jay and Bob.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are you bitches babbling 
                         about?

                                     BRENT
                         Hey! Watch the language little boy. 
                         There are females present.

               Jay and Silent Bob eyeball Brent, until Justice distracts 
               them.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical 
                         lab where they perform gross 
                         experiments on animals.

                                     JAY
                         So, what kind of animals are we 
                         talking about here--like bears and 
                         rhinos?

                                     BRENT
                         No--more like rabbits, dogs, cats... 
                         heck, even monkeys, If we don't speak 
                         for them, who will?
                              (touches Justice's 
                              arm)
                         Right, Jussy?

               Jay sees this and his eyes flare over the competition.  After 
               a beat, he relaxes.

                                     JAY
                         Hey, uh--Brent? Can I talk to you 
                         over here for a second?

               Brent joins Jay, strumming his guitar. Jay addresses him 
               confidentially.

                                     JAY
                         Be honest, yo--you're down with this 
                         for the fine-ass pussy, right?

                                     BRENT
                         I'm down with this because I love 
                         animals, stupid.

                                     JAY
                         Even sheep?

                                     BRENT
                         Of course. Sheep are beautiful 
                         creatures.

                                     JAY
                         They are beautiful, aren't they?

                                     BRENT
                         Oh God, yes.

                                     JAY
                         So then you'd fuck a sheep?

                                     BRENT
                         What is your damage little boy? You've 
                         got a sick and twisted world 
                         perspective.

                                     JAY
                         No, you misunderstand me, Prince 
                         Valiant. I mean if you were another 
                         sheep.  Would you fuck a sheep if 
                         you were another sheep?

                                     BRENT
                         I--suppose so.

                                     JAY
                         That's what I thought.
                              (suddenly loudly, to 
                              all)
                         YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OF 
                         US! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP!

               EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

               The side door of the van slides open and Brent gets hurled 
               out of the moving vehicle. Jay throws his guitar at him as 
               well, yelling and flipping the bird as the van drives off.

                                     JAY
                         YA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!!

               EXT. HIGHWAY--LATER

               The van drives down the road.

               INT. VAN--SAME

               Missy drives. Sissy sits in the passenger seat. Chrissy kneels 
               between them.

                                     CHRISSY
                         What the fuck are we gonna do now?

                                     SISSY
                         Shut up, I'm thinking.

               In the back, Justice studies some blueprints. Jay joins her, 
               and she quickly folds them up.

                                     JAY
                         Is Hollywood near where we're going?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Is that where you guys are from?

                                     JAY
                         Ch'yeah, right. Jersey represent!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Oh, a Jersey Boy. What brings you 
                         all the way out here?

                                     JAY
                         Well, we couldn't hang in front of 
                         the Quick Stop no more, 'cause of 
                         the strainen-en order, which sucks 
                         ass 'cause it's been like our home 
                         since we were kids. Silent Bob even 
                         busted his cherry there.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (to Bob)
                         You did? I'll bet she was a lucky 
                         girl.

               Bob blushes, Jay doesn't like that Justice's attention has 
               strayed.

                                     JAY
                         Look, fuck that fat fuck--I'm trying 
                         to tell a story here.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Sorry.

                                     JAY
                         Anyway, we were talking to Brodie 
                         and he said there's gonna be a 
                         Bluntman and Chronic movie. So we 
                         went to see Holden McNeil, and he 
                         showed us the Internet, and that's 
                         where we found all these fucking 
                         little jerkoffs were saying shit 
                         about us. So we decided to go to 
                         Hollywood and stop the movie from 
                         getting made.  And now we're here.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Wow. I have no idea what you just 
                         said.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah, I get that a lot. So you like 
                         animals, huh?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Sure.

                                     JAY
                         That's cool. Even snakes?

                                     JUSTICE
                         You can't exclude an animal just 
                         because it's not cuddly. Of course I 
                         like snakes.

                                     JAY
                         How about trouser snakes?

                                     JUSTICE
                         What's a trouser snake?

               Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay's left shoulder.

                                     JAY DEVIL
                              (to Jay)
                         What the fuck are you waiting for? 
                         She went for the setup! Reach in 
                         your fucking pants, and pull yer 
                         cock out, bitch! That's the kinda 
                         shit girls like!

               Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay's right 
               shoulder.

                                     JAY DEVIL 2
                         Right about here's where the angel's 
                         supposed to show up and tell you not 
                         to pull your dick out. But we bitch-
                         slapped that little fuck and sent 
                         him packing, so it's smooth sailing. 
                         Let 'er rip, boy!

               They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his 
               hand down his pants, getting ready to whip out his dick, 
               when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder, 
               rubbing a swollen jaw.

                                     JAY ANGEL
                         Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal 
                         here?
                              (looks down)
                         Oh, shit--you're not thinking of 
                         whipping your dick out at this fine 
                         piece of woman, are you?

               Jay thinks, then nods "Yes." The Jay Angel rolls his eyes, 
               and slaps him.

                                     JAY ANGEL
                         Tell you what: look at Silent Bob. 
                         See if he thinks it's a good idea to 
                         whip your dick out.

               Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay's hand in 
               his pants to Jay and shakes his head "no," sternly. Jay 
               withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods, 
               satisfied.

                                     JAY ANGEL
                         That's it, boy--put the dick down. 
                         You gotta go from the heart, yo. No 
                         little perv bullshit will do for 
                         this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de 
                         la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the 
                         shit out of two suckerpunching little 
                         bitches. Remember--don't pull your 
                         dick out until she asks you to.
                              (beat)
                         Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg!  
                         The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice 
                         looks at Jay, a bit confused.

                                     JAY
                         Don't ask.
                              (beat)
                         So, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like 
                         me do to help the animals?

                                     JUSTICE
                         You really don't want to help us--

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are you talking about? 
                         Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.

               Justice smiles. Jay tries to recover.

                                     JAY
                         I mean, youse guys! I'd do anything 
                         for youse guys. For the lift and 
                         shit.

                                     JUSTICE
                         You sure?

                                     JAY
                         Sure, I'm sure. I said it, didn't I. 
                         Fuck

                                     JUSTICE
                         Well--okay. Let me talk it over with 
                         the other girls and get back to you.

                                     JAY
                         You do that.

               Jay takes Justice's hand and kisses it.

                                     JAY
                         I'll be right here.

               He winks at her, smiles and moves to the other side of the 
               can, near Silent Bob.  He's still smiling at Justice and 
               winking when he looks to Silent Bob who stares at him blankly, 
               then imitates Jay's hand-kissing back at him, Jay scowls.

                                     JAY
                         Fuck you. Fatty.

               EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAY

               The van pulls up and all pile out, stretching. The Girls 
               head toward the store.  Justice calls over to Jay and Silent 
               Bob.

                                     JUSTICE
                         You guys want anything from inside?

                                     JAY
                         No, we're cool, thanks hon.

               Justice smiles and heads inside. Jay and Silent Bob study 
               the front of the foreign convenience store. They look for a 
               place to lean, try a few spots out, then settle into one. 
               After a beat--

                                     JAY
                         It just ain't the same, is it? This 
                         place licks balls compared to Quick 
                         Stop.

               Silent Bob shakes his head "Yeah."

                                     JAY
                         And speaking of licking balls--how 
                         'bout that Justice chick? She is too 
                         fine.  And she smells so fucking 
                         pretty. She's got a nice voice, too. 
                         And that body?  Smoking. You know, 
                         she never once said "fuck off," when 
                         I was talking to her, or pulled out 
                         the pepper spray, or nothing. I tell 
                         ya, Lunchbox--she could be the one.

               INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

               Justice is at the microwave when she's suddenly surrounded 
               by the other girls.

                                     MISSY
                         Smooth move, Justice.

                                     CHRISSY
                              (slapping Justice 
                              upside the head)
                         Nice going, Four Eyes!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Ow!

                                     SISSY
                         Why the fuck did you let that little 
                         stoner throw Brent our of the van?!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Oh please--if I had to listen to one 
                         more of those stupid songs, I was 
                         going to throw him out myself.

                                     SISSY
                         We needed Brent, Justice! He was our 
                         patsy!

                                     JUSTICE
                         We'll find someone else. Besides, I 
                         didn't see you trying to stop Jay 
                         from throwing him out.

                                     SISSY
                         Because I didn't want to blow our 
                         cover!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Cover, shmover--you all hated his 
                         songs, too.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Not as much as I hate you.

               Justice offers Chrissy a cold glance,

                                     CHRISSY
                         Fuck, if I don't get to kill someone 
                         soon, I'm gonna--fucking kill someone!

                                     SISSY
                              (rubbing Chrissy's 
                              shoulders)
                         Don't mind Chrissy. She's just a 
                         little too wound for sound.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Then how about you help me take the 
                         edge off?

               Chrissy grabs Missy forcefully and the pair make out, hot 
               and heavy in the middle of the convenience store. Other 
               customers regard them wide-eyed.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (to Customers)
                         They're really good friends.

                                     SISSY
                              (TO CHRISSY AND MISSY)
                         Would you two knock it off? We're in 
                         the fucking heartland here! Try to 
                         blend!

                                     JUSTICE
                         They already do--she's the milkmaid, 
                         and she's the cow.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Oh, I'm a cow, am I?  I'm a mad cow, 
                         bitch. And now I'm gonna rip your 
                         head off and fuck your spine stump.

                                     SISSY
                         Enough!
                              (calm to Justice)
                         We have a very simple gang here, 
                         Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's 
                         the brawn, and Missy's the tech-girl. 
                         But lately, I'm having a hard time 
                         figuring out what you're doing here.

                                     JUSTICE
                         That makes two of us.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Shit--your name doesn't even fit the 
                         rhyme scheme.

                                     JUSTICE
                         That's because very few names rhyme 
                         with "douchebag."

                                     CHRISSY
                              (getting in her face)
                         You're dancing on my last nerve, 
                         Strawberry Shortcake.
                              (to Sissy)
                         You deal with the weak link. I'm 
                         gonna take Missy into the dirty 
                         convenience store bathroom and hate-
                         fuck the shit out of her.

               Chrissy drags Missy off. Justice and Sissy watch them go.

                                     JUSTICE
                         And you said letting them read all 
                         that Anais Nin wouldn't amount to 
                         anything.

                                     SISSY
                         Don't change the subject. You know 
                         what you have to do now, right? Since 
                         you let our patsy slip away, you've 
                         gotta convince the little kid and 
                         that fat guy to take his place. 
                         They've gotta break into Provasik 
                         now.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Uh-uh!

                                     SISSY
                         Uh-huh. You'll do it; or you're out 
                         of this gang. Just use the little 
                         one's crush to convince him, since 
                         he's so fucking in love with you.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Jay? No he's not.

                                     SISSY
                         What--am I blind? He wasn't kissing 
                         your hand back in the van like he 
                         was fucking Lord Byron?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Well, maybe he was just raised with 
                         manners.

               EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

               A GIRL walks past Jay and Bob, heading out of the store.

                                     JAY
                              (to exited Girl)
                         YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE 
                         LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?!
                              (to Bob)
                         Yeah.

               INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

               Sissy continues to confront Justice.

                                     SISSY
                         You're the one that brought the kid 
                         in, Jussy. So you've gotta make 
                         amends.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Jay is not taking Brent's place as 
                         the patsy.

                                     SISSY
                         That kid and his quite friend are 
                         our only options at this point. Now 
                         we got about two hours before we get 
                         to Boulder. That gives you plenty of 
                         of time to work on him.

                                     JUSTICE
                         I'm not gonna do it.

                                     SISSY
                         Why the fuck not?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Because he's just to so innocent!

               Justice looks out the window and smiles, seeing Jay dancing 
               alongside Bob.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Look at him--

               EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME

               Jay's dancing still, but now we hear what he's SINGING to 
               Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         I'm gonna finger-fuck her tight little 
                         asshole! Finger-bang and tea-bang my 
                         balls--in her mouth! Where? Where? 
                         In her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her 
                         mouth!  Balls, balls, sweaty balls--

               INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME

               Sissy eyeballs Justice, who's still looking out at Jay.

                                     SISSY
                         Who's it going to be, Jussy--him or 
                         us?

               Justice looks at Sissy. Sissy nods at her. Justice looks 
               back out at Jay.

               INT. VAN--DAY

               Justice talks to Jay and Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         Steal a monkey? Shit--no problem.

                                     JUSTICE
                         It's not really stealing--it's 
                         liberating it, and--
                              (finally hears him)
                         Wait a second--did you say, "No 
                         problem"?

                                     JAY
                         Yeah, Fuck--we steal monkeys all the 
                         time.
                              (to Bob)
                         Right, Lunchbox?

               Silent Bob glares at Jay.

                                     JUSTICE
                         It's not like it's a bad thing. It's 
                         for a good cause.

                                     JAY
                         Oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri--
                              (takes her hand)
                         The cause of love.
                              (kisses her hand, 
                              then releases)
                         Snoogans--

                                     JUSTICE
                         What the heck is that?

                                     JAY
                         What's what?

                                     JUSTICE
                         "Snoogans," I believe it was.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck do you think it means? 
                         It means "I'm kidding."

                                     JUSTICE
                         Ohhh. Well, that's too bad.

               She smiles at Jay, touches his chin and heads to the front 
               of the van. Jay plays it cool until she's out of sight, then 
               humps silent Bob's leg like a dog.

                                     JAY
                              (singing)
                         I can't believe I'm gonna get some 
                         pussy for stealing a monkey!
                              (speaking)
                         If I'd known it was that easy, I'd've 
                         been stealing monkeys since I was 
                         like seven and shit.

               Jay looks at Silent Bob, who clearly disapproves.

                                     JAY
                         Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin 
                         this for me. Me and Justice are gonna 
                         get married one day, so don't be 
                         giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no-
                         monkey" look.  I'm Morris Day; you're 
                         Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. 
                         That girl? That girl's in love with 
                         me.

               Up front, Justice talks to Sissy, while Missy drives.

                                     JUSTICE
                         They're gonna do it.

                                     SISSY
                         Good. They do their part--
                              (pats a video camera)
                         And we'll do ours.

               Justice eyes Sissy, then slumps in her seat.

               EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

               The Van rolls up across the street from the Provasik Labs, 
               parking in front of another large building.

               INT. VAN--SAME

               Jay and Silent bob get out, along with Justice. They wear 
               Ninja masks. Missy and Chrissy follow.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Remember--we meet back here when 
                         you're done. You sure you're okay 
                         with this?

                                     JAY
                         As sure as I am that you're the 
                         hottest bitch I ever seen.

               Chrissy lunges at Jay, Missy holds her back, dragging Chrissy 
               away.

                                     JAY
                         What's twisting that bitch's tits?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Maybe it's because women don't like 
                         to be called "bitches," Jay.

                                     JAY
                         They don't? Well how 'bout "piece of 
                         ass"?

                                     JUSTICE
                         How about not.

                                     JAY
                         Well, what the fuck am I supposed to 
                         call you, then?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Something sweet, you big goof. 
                         Something nice.

                                     JAY
                              (thinks; then)
                         Boo-boo kitty fuck.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (laughing)
                         Okay.  That's a start.

               Sissy jumps out of the van, holding the video camera, aiming 
               it at Jay and Bob.

                                     SISSY
                         Jay, before you go, could you say 
                         something into the camera about the 
                         clitoris.

                                     JAY
                         What?

                                     JUSTICE
                              (to Sissy)
                         Man you are such a bitch--

                                     SISSY
                              (off Justice; to Jay)
                         She's just a little embarrassed. 
                         See, Jussy and I are putting together 
                         this documentary for our Human 
                         Sexuality class, and we need a male 
                         perspective on the clitoris.

                                     JAY
                         The female clitoris?

                                     SISSY
                         Uh--yeah.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Jay, you don't have to do this.

               She elbows Sissy.

                                     JAY
                         Nah, it's cool, hon. There's a few 
                         things I can say about the clit that 
                         I's like you to hear.
                              (clears throat; into 
                              camera)
                         I am the master of the clit! I make 
                         that shit work! It does what ever 
                         the fuck I tell it to do!  No one 
                         rules the clit like me!
                              (off Silent Bob)
                         Not this little fuck! None of you 
                         little fucks out there! I am the 
                         clit commander!!! Remember that--
                         commander of all clits!

               Jay proceeds to make some pussy-eating faces. Justice shakes 
               her head at Sissy, who snaps the camera closed and smiles.

                                     SISSY
                         Awesome. Knock 'em dead, Tiger.

               Sissy climbs back into the van.

                                     JAY
                              (to Justice)
                         So--can I get a little kiss for good 
                         luck?

               Justice smiles at Jay, then kisses him sweetly on the lips.

                                     JAY
                         So--can I get a little blow job for 
                         good luck?

               Justice smiles and pulls Jay's mask down. He heads off, 
               revealing Silent Bob behind him, lips puckered, handing in 
               midair. Jay reached back into the frame, pulling Bob out. 
               Justice watches them go.

                                     SISSY
                         Jussy. C'mon.

               Justice climbs back into the van.

               INT. VAN--SAME

               Justice sits, glaring at Sissy.

                                     SISSY
                         Hey, Lover-girl. You cock-block my 
                         authority again, you lose your fucking 
                         fronts, you got that?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Yes, sir.

               Sissy takes the tape out of the camera and hands it off to 
               Missy, beside whom is a bag full of high-tech equipment.

                                     SISSY
                         Phase One, down. While we're executing 
                         Phase Two, you edit that tape and 
                         grab a new car.

                                     MISSY
                         No sweat.

                                     SISSY
                         Let's suit up.

               EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

               Jay and Silent bob tuck-and-roll across the front lawn, 
               stopping at the building. Silent Bob pulls a GRAPPLING GUN 
               out of his coat. He fires it into the air as Jay quickly 
               gives the "metal" sign, and the pair are lifted out-of-frame.

               INT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

               It's dead quiet and still. Then, the pair smash through a 
               window, landing in the floor in a ball. They lift their Ninja 
               hoods. Jay glares at Silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         You fat fuck--

               INT. VAN--NIGHT

               Missy peers through binoculars out the window.

                                     SISSY
                         They in?

                                     MISSY
                         You can say that.

                                     SISSY
                         Time to shine. Let's go.

               EXT. VAN--NIGHT

               The quartet piles out of the van, and we get our first look 
               at them: sexily geared up for action, wearing all black. 
               They head for a SEPARATE BUILDING.  Stopping at the front 
               door.

               Sissy gestures elaborately to Missy, and Missy gestures 
               elaborately back, racing away into the night. Justice offers 
               Sissy a look.

                                     JUSTICE
                         You are so gay.

               Chrissy sticks a box on the door and presses a button. On a 
               digital readout, numbers roll until they stop on four 
               different digits. The door lock CLICKS open.

                                     SISSY
                         Once we're inside, I want complete 
                         silence.
                              (holding up high-tech 
                              device)
                         Missy whipped this up. It counts our 
                         decibel level. If it goes into the 
                         red--alarm, we're dead. So not even 
                         the slightest noise, got it?

               Justice blows her off. Sissy enters the building, followed 
               closely by Chrissy.  Justice lingers at the door, taking one 
               last look back at the Provasik Building, fretting for Jay 
               and Bob.

                                     SISSY
                              (pokes her head back 
                              out)
                         Justice! Move your ass!

               Justice heads inside. We PAN up to reveal a sign that reads: 
               BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE.

               INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHT

               Jay and Bob stand there, looking around the room.

               It's lines with cages, all of which contain sad-looking 
               ANIMALS.  A tear forms in silent Bob's eye. Jay rolls his 
               eyes and hits him.

                                     JAY
                         Stay frosty, you big fucking softie. 
                         We've got a job to do.

               Silent Bob nods and clicks on a flashlight. The pair wade 
               through the cages. Jay stops at an EMERGENCY BOX hanging on 
               the wall. Inside it, there's a pistol.

                                     JAY
                         Check this out, Lunchbox. Animal 
                         tranquilizer. This shit fucks you up 
                         like Percocets!

               Jay elbows the glass, breaking it. He takes the gun out and 
               tosses it to Bob.

                                     JAY
                         Hold this. Later, me and Justice can 
                         shoot each other with it and fuck 
                         like stoned test bunnies. Bunnggg.

               Silent Bob rolls he eyes and sticks the gun in his coat. The 
               pair look through the cages, until HEAR the distinct SOUND 
               OF A MONKEY. Jay directs Silent Bob's flashlight to the cage 
               from where the sound emitted. He smiles.

                                     JAY
                              (reading)
                         "Suzanne." Boo-yah.

               INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT

               The three Girls stand at the end of a large hallway. At the 
               other end is a glass case, full of DIAMONDS.

               Sissy pulls and aerosol can from her utility belt and sprays 
               the air in the hallway. She watches the decibel monitor, 
               which rises only slightly at the sound of the spray. Suddenly, 
               within the mist, laser beams become apparent.

               Sissy hands the decibel monitor to Chrissy and takes a few 
               steps back, shaking her hands to limber up. She then runs 
               forward and does an impressive series of flips down the 
               hallway, not touching a single laser beam.

               Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.

               Once Sissy's flipping comes to a stop at the other end of 
               the hallway near the Diamond case, she makes a hand gesture 
               to Justice. Justice nods, and proceeds to do the same series 
               of flips down the hallway, not tripping the alarm.

               Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.

               Justice lands beside Sissy, and then Sissy gestures to 
               Chrissy.

               Chrissy tosses the decibel monitor over the laser beams, 
               Sissy catches it, and the monitor rises only slightly.

               Then, Chrissy proceeds with her series of flips, which are 
               even more impressive than the other two, including running 
               up walls and pushing into handstand flips.  When she passes 
               the last laser beam, she lands between Sissy and Justice, 
               arms in the air like a gymnast. Then, she lets out a loud, 
               manly FART.

               The decibel monitor goes red and an alarm starts RINGING 
               through the building.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Holy fuck--the little stoner was 
                         right--

               Sissy shutters the glass surrounding the Diamonds. She ours 
               them into a bag, and races back down the hallway, followed 
               by Justice and Chrissy.

               EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT

               The Girls emerge from the Diamond Exchange, just as Missy 
               pulls up in a CONVERTIBLE.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Boom Box!

               Missy tosses a metal box to Chrissy, who catches it and races 
               toward the van, while Sissy and Justice pile into the 
               convertible.

                                     SISSY
                         I can't believe it. Months of planning 
                         and it's all blown by a fucking fart.

                                     JUSTICE
                         We can't just leave them like this! 
                         That alarm's gonna bring the cops 
                         here any minute!

                                     SISSY
                         That was always the plan, Justice! 
                         They take the heat off of is long 
                         enough until we can get out of town!

               Chrissy attaches the metal box to the side of the van.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.

               The girls pull up in the convertible and Chrissy jumps into 
               the car with them.

                                     CHRISSY
                         It's set. Let's roll.

               The convertible screeches away, leaving the can sitting there. 
               The metal has magnetically attached to the side is counting 
               down from two minutes.

               INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHT

               Jay and Bob carry a large canvas bag between them. Something 
               seems to move inside it. The head for the exit, but Silent 
               bob hesitates, offering a sad look to the animals in all the 
               cages. Jay hits him.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are you looking at? 
                         There ain't no snacks here, man! Now 
                         we got what we came for, so let's 
                         get the fuck out!

               Silent Bob half-gestures to the cages, forlorn. Jay shakes 
               his head frustrated.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah, it's sad! But what the fuck 
                         are we supposed to do about it?

               Silent bob offers Jay a look.

               EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

               The front doors burst open, spilling out Jay, Silent Bob 
               (carrying their bag), and HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--cats, dogs, 
               birds, rabbits. All race off into the night.

               Jay and Bob race toward the van. Jay screams at it.

                                     JUSTICE
                         JUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS!

               Suddenly, Jay and Bob stop dead in their tracks.

                                     JAY
                         Oh shit--

               Three COP CARS screech up, the van between them and Jay and 
               Bob. The COPS leap out of their cruisers, guns drawn. Jay 
               looks to Bob, pissed

                                     COP
                         DROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNS 
                         EXPLOSIVE!

               The counter on the device attached to the van hits "0," and 
               the van BLOWS UP.  Jay and Bob get thrown backwards in one 
               direction, the Cops in the other.  On all fours, Jay looks 
               at the burning shell of the van, a tear forming in his eye.

                                     JAY
                         Justice--

               We crane up from him as he bellows--

                                     JAY
                         JUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!!

               Silent Bob grabs Jay and drags him out of frame, still 
               carrying the bag.

               EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY

               We start on a sign on the door that reads: Federal Wildlife 
               Marshal, Colorado Field Office, then pull back to see a DEPUTY 
               opening the door and heading inside.

               INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY

               The Deputy enters just as a FAX is coming through at an 
               operations board. He rips it off, reading it. His eyes go 
               wide.

                                     DEPUTY
                         Oh, fudge...
                              (calling off)
                         Marshal Willenholly!

               INT. BATHROOM--SAME

               MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY sits on the bowl, staring at Four Legged 
               Law-Man magazine, eyeing it lustily. Below frame, he jerks 
               off.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Yeah, you chug that ass-cock baby--
                         It takes two hands to hold doesn't 
                         it--?  Uhhh--

               As he climaxes, a ganging at the door disrupts him.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         WHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING!

                                     DEPUTY (O.S.)
                         Sir, we got a report of a break-in 
                         at Provasik Pharmaceuticals' testing 
                         lab.

               Willenholly emerges from the bathroom, holding the magazine. 
               There's a massive wet spot on the front of his pants.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Have you read this article on the 
                         mule-suckers in Tijuana? Good God, I 
                         wish that was in our jurisdiction--
                         I'd shut down every last one of those 
                         ass-cock chuggers, personally.

               The Deputy looks at the stain on Willenholly's pants, then 
               at Willenholly.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         What? "Ass" means "donkey."

                                     DEPUTY
                         Yes, sir.
                              (hands him a fax)

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (looks at fax)
                         Boulder, hunh? Well, gas up the jet.

                                     DEPUTY
                         We don't have a jet, sir. And 
                         Boulder's only ten minutes away.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Then gas up the next best thing.

               EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAY

               There are FIRE TRUCKS all over the place now. The burned out 
               van is being poured over by Cops. Just then, Willenholly 
               pulls up on a MOPED. He parks it and surveys the wreckage.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         My, oh my, oh my. Who let the cats 
                         out?
                              (thinks)
                         Wait--is that right?

                                     COP 1 (O.S.)
                         Excuse me--who the hell are you?

               Willenholly rips down the Velcro patch on his jacket, 
               revealing a badge.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Federal Wildlife Marshal. This 
                         investigation is now under my 
                         jurisdiction.

                                     COP 1
                         Oh really? And why is that?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Because someone let a whole mess of 
                         animals out of their cages, sir.

                                     COP 1
                         Well, we believe that was just a 
                         diversionary tactic used to call 
                         attention away from the real heist 
                         over here at the Diamond Exchange.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Yeah, right. That's a believable 
                         scenario. It sounds more like 
                         something out of a bad movie.

               Willenholly and the Cop look at the camera. Then, another 
               COP joins them.

                                     COP 2
                         Sir, the Provasik people say they've 
                         rounded all their animals up, except 
                         for one: an orangutan.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our 
                         fugitive has been on the run for 6 
                         hours!  Average simian foot speed 
                         over uneven ground--barring injuries 
                         or preoccupation with tire tubes, 
                         mites or bananas--is four miles an 
                         hour. That gives us a radius of twenty 
                         miles.

                                     COP 3
                              (calling out from 
                              crowd)
                         Twenty-four, sir!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         What?

                                     COP 3
                         Six hours times four miles an hour 
                         is twenty-four.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (doing the math in 
                              his head)
                         Yes. Yes, you're right. My bad. Twenty-
                         four miles. Now what I want out of 
                         all of you is a hard target search.

                                     COP 4
                         Excuse me, sir?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Yeah?

                                     COP 4
                         What does that mean, exactly--a "hard 
                         target search"? What's a "hard 
                         target"?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Well. It's--a target--that's--hard. 
                         Anyway--

                                     COP 4
                         So are you referring to the search's 
                         level of difficulty? Or is the hard 
                         target the monkey?

                                     COP 3
                         Or the people who stole the monkey?

               The COPS now chatter amongst themselves, to the effect of 
               "Yeah--It could mean that too--He's got a point--,"etc. 
               Willenholly rubs his temples.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Okay, how about this? What I want 
                         out of all of you is a thorough search 
                         of every gas station, residence, 
                         warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, 
                         outhouse, and doghouse in that area! 
                         Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles!

                                     COP 1
                         Wouldn't it make sense to put them 
                         up at every twenty-four miles--seeing 
                         as that's how far they'd have gotten 
                         in the last six hours?

               They begin chattering amongst themselves again. Willenholly 
               looks at them all, defeated. He starts to cry.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         This is so frustrating. It's just so 
                         hard sometimes--
                              (yelling)
                         YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GO 
                         FIND HER!

               Another COP joins Willenholly, carrying a large, fat envelope.

                                     COP 5
                         Sir, this was just delivered to the 
                         station.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         What is it?

                                     COP 5
                         It's a tape from the terrorists who're 
                         claiming credit for the break-in.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Is it VHS or Beta? You know what--
                         never mind. Do you have a VCR?

               INT. OFFICE--DAY

               Willenholly and the Cops stare at the O.C. TV, shocked, as 
               the video ends.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Oh my God--
                              (without looking up)
                         Have the jet gassed up and ready to 
                         go at a moment's notice.

                                     COP
                         Sir, we don't have a jet; just a 
                         helicopter.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (dialing his cell 
                              phone)
                         Doesn't anybody have a jet anymore?
                              (into cell phone)
                         Plafsky? It is Willenholly. You gotta 
                         get me on the national news, pronto. 
                         Why?!  Because we may very well be 
                         dealing with the two most dangerous 
                         men on the planet!

               EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY

               Jay and Silent Bob sit close to each other, staring at--

               SUZANNE (the ORANGUTAN)--who sits on a log across from them, 
               staring back.

                                     JAY
                         This is Jussy's monkey
                              (to Suzanne, angrily)
                         JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEY 
                         FUCK!

               Suzanne covers her eyes with her hands suddenly. Jay and 
               Silent Bob, startle, with Jay leaping behind Silent Bob and 
               pulling back as if he's going to strike.

                                     JAY
                              (to Silent Bob)
                         Do something. Tons of Fun!

               Silent Bob offers the ape a weak wave. Suzanne drops her 
               hands from her face and waves back. Jay cranes his neck to 
               see over silent Bob.

                                     JAY
                         Is that fucking thing waving at us?

               Suzanne nods. Jay steps out from behind Bob. They state at 
               the ape.

                                     JAY
                         Holy shit? That monkey understood 
                         us! Maybe it's some sort of super-
                         monkey!

               Suzanne offer them a "raspberry." Spitting as if the comment 
               was ridiculous. Jay and Silent Bob react with surprise at 
               this.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck was that for? It's not 
                         a stupid idea! I seen it in Congo?

               Suzanne holds her nose, as if to say, "Congo stunk." Silent 
               Bob smiles in agreement and amusement. Jay looks at him, 
               stung.

                                     JAY
                         You're my bitch. You get my back. 
                         Don't go joining this chimp's side.

               Jay looks around the woods, formulating a thought. Silent 
               Bob moves toward the ape, extending his hand to shake hers.

                                     JAY
                         Yo--what if there's more super monkeys 
                         up in the lab? Maybe they're making 
                         an army of 'em up there! Holy shit! 
                         Maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the 
                         X-Files Roswell--style!

               JAY'S DELUSION: We enter into JAY'S HEAD and see--

               INT. LAB--DAY

               We PAN over from a chimp in a chemist's coat measuring liquids 
               in a pair of beakers to a chimp at a drafting table sketching 
               blueprints for an insidious war machine. An orangutan shakes 
               hands with a group of five well-dressed men, one of which 
               looks like the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files.

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         Working in secret with a crew of 
                         double-dealing, nicotine-fiending 
                         fucks that're selling out the human 
                         race, these supermonkeys will use 
                         simian science and their genius IQ's 
                         to make man and monkey alike believe 
                         that they're the superior species!

               EXT. BALCONY--DAY

               A monkey dressed like Mussolini addresses a huge crowd of 
               apes, who wave fists in the air.

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         Then all it'll take is one little 
                         monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the 
                         dumber chimps into a frenzy, until 
                         they go all ape-shit and start 
                         demanding more bananas, better pay, 
                         and human flesh!

               EXT. FIELD--DAY

               Randal leads a pack of humans racing through a cornfield, 
               and is shot in the neck. He collapses, revealing a GORILLA 
               on horseback holding a rifle. Two other Gorillas throw a net 
               over him.

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         You'll have to be faster than Walt 
                         Flanagan's Dog to outrun the warrior 
                         gorillas, who hunt humans for sport, 
                         profit, and the occasional inter-
                         species blow-job. And if you don't 
                         wind up with a monkey hog in your 
                         mouth, you'll be captured, killed or 
                         worse...

               INT. LAB--DAY

               Cornelius and Zera-looking chimps dissect the brain of a 
               living, screaming, Dante.

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         Eaten alive!

               EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY

               The Quick Stop is overrun by vines in a jungle like 
               atmosphere. Monkeys exit the store carrying bunches of 
               bananas. The sign now reads: Ape Stop

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         Then these monkey fucks'll start 
                         wearing our clothes and rebuilding 
                         the world in their image.

               EXT. BEACH--DAY

               We start on a FULL SHOT of Jay on the beach, looking up, 
               then SNAP ZOOM OUT to REVEAL Jay kneeling before the beach 
               buried Statue of Liberty, screaming, his arms raised.

                                     JAY (V.O.)
                         And only those who outwit those damn 
                         dirty apes'll ever remember that it 
                         was MAN who once ruled the earth!

                                     JAY
                              (at statue)
                         YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMN 
                         YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!

                                            WE DISSOLVE FROM THIS IMAGE TO:

               EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY

               Another close-up of Jay's painted face. Behind him, Suzanne 
               and Silent Bob are playing patty-cake. Jay eyes Suzanne 
               angrily.

                                     JAY
                         Not on my watch, motherfucker!

               Jay turns and rushes Suzanne, ferociously.

                                     JAY
                         DIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!!

               Jay trips on a root poking out of the ground and hits the 
               dirt. Suzanne then goes over to Jay, pulls his face to hers, 
               and kisses him on the lips.

                                     JAY
                         Alright--you can live. For now.

               Silent Bob helps Jay to his feet.

                                     JAY
                         You see that? Bitches love me.
                              (heading off)
                         Besides--we're in the fucking clear, 
                         yo. It's not like anyone knows we 
                         stole the monkey.

               INT. TV NEWS STATION--DAY

               An ANCHORMAN addresses the camera.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         I'm Reg Hartner and this is a News 
                         Now bulletin. A Provasik animal 
                         testing facility in boulder was the 
                         focus of an attack by a terroristic 
                         primate rescue syndicate calling 
                         themselves the Coalition for 
                         Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers. 
                         Or simply, C.L.I.T.

               A graphic of the C.L.I.T. logo appears beside him, nailing 
               home the joke.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         In a videotape sent to authorities 
                         this morning, credit for the 
                         liberation of an orangutan from the 
                         lab last night is taken by these men--

               A VIDEO CAPTURE of JAY and SILENT BOB from pre-break--in 
               appears on screen.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         --identified in literature that 
                         accompanies the tape as Jay and Silent 
                         Bob. In this chilling clip, they 
                         make it very clear that they are in 
                         control of the C.L.I.T.

               On screen is the C.L.I.T. Logo. A digitized voice narrates.

                                     DIGITIZED VOICE
                         We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are 
                         safe. Now tremble before the might 
                         of our merciless leader.

               The logo gives way to the video of Jay and Bob that Sissy 
               shot before the Provasik break-in. Jay's yelling into the 
               camera.

                                     JAY
                         I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!!

               Coming out of the video footage, the Anchorman shakes his 
               head, chilled.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         Terrifying. Here to help us understand 
                         this footage is Federal Wildlife 
                         Marshal Willenholly.

               PULL OUT to reveal Willenholly beside the Anchorman.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         Marshal, what can you tell us about 
                         the C.L.I.T.?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         From the intelligence we've been 
                         able to gather, we've discovered 
                         that the C.L.I.T. is a tiny offshoot 
                         of the L.A.B.I.A.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                         The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning 
                         Apes movement.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Exactly. The men you saw in the video 
                         are believed to be the masterminds 
                         responsible for the frenzied C.L.I.T. 
                         activity last night. They go by the 
                         obvious code names "Jay" and "Silent 
                         Bob."
                              (to camera)
                         If you should come across them or 
                         any other C.L.I.T.-ies, please--
                         exercise extreme caution.

               INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHT

               On the TV screen is Willenholly and the video capture of Jay 
               and Silent Bob.  Holden looks up from his drawing table, 
               shocked.

                                     ANCHORMAN (O.S.)
                              (from TV)
                         Marshal, how do you respond to 
                         allegations that Federal Wildlife 
                         Marshal's Office allowed the C.L.I.T. 
                         to slip through their fingers?

                                     WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)
                         Nonsense. We're all over the C.L.I.T., 
                         Reg.

                                     HOLDEN
                              (shakes his head)
                         Nights like this, I miss dating a 
                         lesbian.

               INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT

               From behind the register, Dante and Randal stare at the TV, 
               slack-jawed.

                                     ANCHORMAN (O.S.)
                              (from TV)
                         Is there also speculation that Jay 
                         and Silent bob may be responsible 
                         for the Diamond Exchange jewel heist 
                         that occurred in the same vicinity 
                         of downtown Boulder last night?

                                     WILLENHOLLY (O.S.)
                         There's nothing to suggest that, no. 
                         But these men are still to be 
                         considered very dangerous.

                                     RANDAL
                              (to Dante)
                         I told you that restraining order 
                         was a good idea.

               EXT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAME

               On the second-floor terrace of a run-down, roadside motel, 
               Sissy, Missy and Chrissy dance in their undies and drink 
               champagne. On the first floor terrace below, Justice leans 
               against the open sliding glass door, watching the news report 
               on a TV inside the room with the volume turned way up.

                                     ANCHORMAN
                              (on TV)
                         Is that your cell phone?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (on TV)
                         Yes, Excuse me.
                              (on TV, into cell 
                              phone)
                         Federal Wildlife Marshal. I'm on my 
                         way!
                              (shuts phone; to 
                              anchorman)
                         We got 'em. They're in Utah.
                              (to camera)
                         Citizens of Utah--steer clear of the 
                         C.L.I.T. Stimulation of the C.L.I.T. 
                         is not recommended.

               Justice turns the TV off and yells up to Sissy.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Your tape worked. The news is all 
                         about Jay and Silent Bob's Provasik 
                         break-in, with almost no mention of 
                         the Diamond heist.

                                     SISSY
                              (yelling down to 
                              Justice)
                         I told you those two were the perfect 
                         patsies. Now we lay low for awhile--
                         just in case--and start planning the 
                         next job.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Don't you feel any regret? Jay and 
                         Bob don't deserve this. They were 
                         really sweet.

                                     CHRISSY
                         The only thing I regret is not gutting 
                         that little trout-mouthed prick like 
                         a fish and playing Twister with his 
                         vitals.

                                     MISSY
                         You are so nasty.

                                     CHRISSY
                         I'll show you nasty, you little slut.

                                     SISSY
                         Would you two get a room?

                                     CHRISSY
                         Fine--we'll take yours.
                              (getting up in Sissy's 
                              face)
                         I am gonna stain your sheets, bi-
                         otch.

               Chrissy dances away with Missy, heading inside. Sissy rolls 
               her eyes.

                                     SISSY
                         Sarah Lawrence girls. Go figure.

                                     JUSTICE
                         They're your gang.

                                     SISSY
                         Oh and not yours? You know, I don't 
                         get you, Justice. You used to be all 
                         about the girl stuff: stealing, 
                         boning, blowing shit up. Now you're 
                         like this little priss with a 
                         conscience. It's really a fucking 
                         drag.

                                     JUSTICE
                         We all gotta grow up some time.

                                     SISSY
                         If moping around over some little 
                         boy you're crushing on is being grown-
                         up, then pass me my Wonder Woman 
                         underoos.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Don't you feel the least bit of guilt 
                         for what we did to those guys?

                                     SISSY
                         Awww. Does Jussy-wussy feel all dirty 
                         about setting up her boyfriend? Then 
                         how about taking a shower?

               Sissy dumps the bag of diamonds over the side of the terrace. 
               They rain down on Justice below. Just then a PIZZA DELIVERY 
               GUY approaches the lower terrace, carrying a stack of pizzas.

                                     PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
                         You the gals that ordered the pizzas?

                                     SISSY
                         This dopey bitch ordered the large 
                         plain, but I could go for some hot, 
                         thick, Sicilian.

                                     PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
                         No charge, lady.  He rushes into the 
                         motel, Justice sighs, looking up at 
                         the stars.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (quietly)
                         I'm sorry, Jay.

               INT. DINER--DAY

               Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne sit at a booth, eating. Jay 
               chews a burger while Silent Bob eats pancakes and Suzanne 
               digs into a banana split.

                                     JAY
                         You know, Justice died trying to 
                         save this monkey, so maybe we should 
                         keep her around. That way, we can 
                         honor her memory.

               Silent bob and Suzanne are oblivious, digging into their 
               food.

                                     JAY
                         Look at you Tubby Bitches. I'm waxing 
                         all sentimental, and you're all about 
                         a fucking meal and shit. Now ain't 
                         you glad we stopped to eat?  And you 
                         were all piss-scared the cops'd bust 
                         us or something. You know what I 
                         say?
                              (singing, a la NWA)

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                              (via bullhorn)
                         THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WE 
                         KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITH 
                         YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDER 
                         THE ORANGUTAN!

               Jay and Bob freeze and go wild-eyed for a beat. Then--

                                     JAY
                         You think they're talking to us?

               EXT. DINER--DAY

               There's a few COP CARS outside, and the SHERIFF is yelling 
               at the diner through his bullhorn. Beside him are the other 
               COPS.

                                     SHERIFF
                         YOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.
                              (to other COPS)
                         Fuck it, Let's give 'em thirty.

               Suddenly Willenholly rushes up, dramatically ducking behind 
               the car, gun drawn.

                                     SHERIFF
                         The ape.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         What?

                                     SHERIFF
                         An orangutan's a member of the great 
                         ape family. It's not a monkey.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Look, who's the Federal Wildlife 
                         Marshal here?
                              (into bullhorn)
                         JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERAL 
                         WILDLIFE MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY! YOUR 
                         C.L.I.T.  DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. 
                         SURRENDER THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY, 
                         AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT!

               INT. DINER--DAY

               Jay, Suzanne, and Silent Bob peer over the top of their booth, 
               like scared rats.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are you waiting for? 
                         Go out there and give 'em the monkey.

               Silent Bob looks to Jay, shocked.

                                     JAY
                         Oh, what, man? I said that shit before 
                         I knew they were gonna shoot us!  
                         Yes--Jussy was a hottie, but I ain't 
                         takin' no bullet for no monkey!

               Bob pulls Suzanne close to him, welling up with tears. Jay 
               rolls his eyes.

                                     JAY
                         Oh, brother--this is like something 
                         out of fucking Benji! Look man, maybe 
                         it's not that bad back at the lab! 
                         Maybe they experiment on 'em by, 
                         like making 'em fuck a bunch of 
                         different, good-looking monkeys. We 
                         don't know! Maybe they got it real 
                         sweet!

               Suzanne shakes her head "no." Bob points to her, as if she's 
               strengthening his point.

                                     JAY
                              (to Suzanne)
                         You stay out of this, you weepy little 
                         chimp!
                              (looks around thinking)
                         Fuck man, I ain't no strategist! 
                         You're the guy that makes the 
                         blueprints! I don't even have the 
                         fucking smarts of a little--

               Jay's eyes fall on a scared FAMILY in a nearby booth. There's 
               a little kid (around five or so), and he's wearing a hooded 
               sweatshirt and a baseball cap.

                                     JAY
                         --kid

               EXT. DINER--DAY

               Willenholly's on the bullhorn, yelling at the diner. The 
               Sheriff looks on.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         ANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEY 
                         BETTER HIT THE DECK!  WE'RE GOING TO 
                         OPEN FIRE!
                              (to cops)
                         Everyone has bullets in their guns, 
                         right?

               Jay and Silent Bob emerge from the diner, with Suzanne between 
               them (they're holding her raised hands). She's now dressed 
               up in the sweatshirt and jeans the kid was wearing in the 
               diner, with the baseball cap pulled down over her face.  
               It's a pretty piss-poor disguise.

                                     JAY
                         Don't shoot! We're just trying to 
                         take our son out of this hostile 
                         environment!

               From behind the cop car, the Sheriff looks to Willenholly.

                                     SHERIFF
                         Their "son"?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Maybe they're one of those gay 
                         couples?

               Jay seizes on the idea. Silent Bob nods fervently.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah! We're gay! And this is our 
                         adopted love child! We're not from 
                         around here!  Don't make us go back 
                         to our liberal city home with a tales 
                         of prejudice and bigotry in the heart 
                         of Utah!
                              (whispers to Bob)
                         You see the shit I gotta put up with 
                         for you! Now I got this guy thinking 
                         I'm gay!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Oh God, this is the last thing I 
                         need--a bunch of uppity homosexuals 
                         shooting their mouth off in the 
                         liberal press that the Federal 
                         Wildlife Marshal's Office persecutes 
                         gays.

                                     SHERIFF
                         ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAY 
                         BE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T THEIR SON! 
                         THAT'S THE APE!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         You see this badge?  I think I'd 
                         recognize an ape if I saw one. And 
                         the only thing I do recognize here 
                         is a political fiasco I'm, going to 
                         avoid by letting this butt-fucking 
                         Brady Bunch go!

               Jay is whispering to Silent Bob, still vexed by--

                                     JAY
                         And I'll tell you another thing: 
                         what if that guy shows up around the 
                         stores one day and starts telling 
                         everybody you and me are poo-gilists? 
                         How are we gonna get any pussy then, 
                         hunh?

                                     WILLENHOLLY (V.O.)
                         YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS!

               Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, shocked. They look 
               back out at Willenholly, who's yards away. Jay points at 
               himself, as if to say, "Me?"

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (via bullhorn)
                         YES, YOU, SIRS.

                                     JAY
                              (calling over)
                         So we can just go?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (via bullhorn)
                         Yes, sir--or ma'am. Please accept my 
                         apologies for detaining you and your 
                         unorthodox-but-constitutionally-
                         protected-family unit.

                                     SHERIFF
                              (amazed)
                         Un-fucking believable.

                                     JAY
                         I'd like to offer a big gay thank-
                         you, sir. We'll tell all our gay 
                         friends that Utah is Gay friendly 
                         country for gays who are gay.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         I'm sure Utah appreciates that. You 
                         might also want to make it clear 
                         that the Federal Wildlife Marshal's 
                         Office is also pro-'mo as well.
                              (winks at the sheriff)
                         And might I add, that's one fine-
                         looking boy you're raising.

                                     JAY
                         Well, that's 'cuz he's from my sperm. 
                         See, I knocked up a hot woman friend 
                         of ours who I also fuck on the side. 
                         So as not to be all-the-way-gay. But 
                         my tubby husband here is one hundred 
                         percent queer. He loves the cock.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         He certainly looks insatiable.

                                     JAY
                         'Bye

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         'Bye

               Jay, silent Bob and Suzanne head off down the road. 
               Willenholly and all watch them go. The Sheriff is livid.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Well, it's not my way--but damned if 
                         there doesn't go one happy family.
                              (balloon two)
                         Now, we just shoot some tear gas 
                         into that diner, and when the two 
                         guys run out with the monkey, we'll--

               Willenholly suddenly freezes, thinking. He looks to the 
               Sheriff.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         That was the them, wasn't it?

               EXT. ROAD--DAY

               Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne are laughing.

                                     JAY
                         I said you "love the cock"! I gotta 
                         be the craftiest motherfucker alive!

               GUNSHOTS RING OUT, and bullets whiz by the trio, who are now 
               in full panic mode.

               Willenholly and the Cops race after them, firing.

               Jay, Bob and Suzanne race away, ducking bullets.

                                     JAY
                         FLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!!

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               The trio race across what looks like a bridge (but isn't), 
               shots still ringing out. Jay spots a manhole. He points at 
               it, screaming.

                                     JAY
                         HEAD FOR THE SEWERS!

               Silent Bob pops the cover off, With bullets ricocheting all 
               around them, Jay leaps into the manhole.

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL

               Jay lands in a sewer tunnel (like in The Fugitive). Suzanne 
               lands on top of him.

                                     JAY
                         Take your stinking paws off me, you 
                         damn dirty ape!
                              (yelling up)
                         YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP!

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               Bullets hitting the pavement around him, Silent bob dives 
               into the sewer grate as well, but--

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL

               Silent Bob gets stuck. Jay rolls his eyes.

                                     JAY
                         You fat fuck.

               Silent Bob struggles while Jay and Suzanne try to pull him 
               through the hole.

                                     JAY
                         You just--had to--order pancakes--
                         didn't ya?

               EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME

               CLOSER on the running Willenholly and Sheriff.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Fire a warning shot into that bulbous 
                         ass!

                                     SHERIFF
                         One rectal breach, coming up!

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

               Jay and Suzanne pull with all their might. Bob strains.

                                     JAY
                         SUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!!

               EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME

               TIGHT on the Sheriff, as he squints to aim.

                                     SHERIFF
                         Open up and say "ahhhhh," you stoner 
                         sumbitch--

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

               TIGHT on Silent Bob bellowing.

                                     SILENT BOB
                         AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               The Sheriff's gun fires.

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

               Jay and Suzanne fall backwards, as Silent Bob pops through.

                                     JAY
                         INCOMING!!!

                                     SILENT BOB
                         AAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

                                     SUZANNE
                         OOOOOOOOO!!!

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               The bullet ricochets off the curb, as Silent Bob's feet slip 
               through.

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

               Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne are in various states of 
               collapse. Jay and Bob look up at the hole.

                                     JAY
                         Just like Winnie-the-Pooh.

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               Willenholly and the Sheriff arrive at the manhole.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Wow! That was an incredibly daring 
                         escape!
                              (to Sheriff)
                         You must see that a lot, hunh?

                                     SHERIFF
                         Shut up!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Sire, you're very taciturn.

               Willenholly starts rolling up his sleeves as the sheriff 
               looks on.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         You and your men stay up here. When 
                         I corner them, I'll call you for 
                         back-up.

                                     SHERIFF
                         What're you doing? They're trapped. 
                         The only way they can get out of 
                         there is right here.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         A Federal Wildlife Marshal doesn't 
                         wait for his prey to come to him. He 
                         comes to it. Or goes to it. Is it 
                         "comes to it" or "goes to it"?
                              (shakes it off)
                         I'm going in there. I'm counting on 
                         you Sheriff.

               Willenholly embraces the Sheriff.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         You've taught me so much.

               Willenholly then climbs into the sewer, disappearing. The 
               Cops look at the Sheriff for a beat, who heads O.C. saying--

                                     SHERIFF
                         Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to 
                         the station and get some donuts.

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY

               TIGHT on Jay, Bob, and Suzanne, looking into the distance, 
               bathed by natural light. We HEAR the loud sounds of water 
               rushing.

                                     JAY
                         This reminds me of the night I fucked 
                         your mom, yo. One big-wet, smelly, 
                         gaping hole, and me wishing I had a 
                         board tied to my ass--

               PULL BACK to reveal Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne standing at 
               the precipice of the sewer tunnel that pokes out of a DAM. 
               Water rushed below.

                                     JAY
                         --to keep from falling in.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         PUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDS 
                         UP!

               Willenholly aims his gun at the trio's backs.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         MISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!?

               Our heroes comply, but Jay speaks.

                                     JAY
                         LOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO 
                         BACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING ON HER!
                              (beat)
                         AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLY 
                         GAY!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         I DON'T CARE!
                              (beat)
                         AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'T 
                         REALLY A LITTLE BOY.

                                     JAY
                         SURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD--
                              (pointing to Silent 
                              Bob)
                         HE LOVES COCK!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         ON YOUR KNEES!

               Jay and Silent Bob face Willenholly and kneel. But Suzanne's 
               still looking out of the dam.

                                     JAY
                         See, man?! He's lining us up like 
                         fucking circus seals! Well, I'm going 
                         first--I don't want no mouthful of 
                         monkey-spit when I gotta blow this 
                         fucking G-Man.

               TIGHT on Suzanne, who's looking down at the raging water 
               below. Her brow hardens with purpose.

               TIGHT on Suzanne's right hand grabbing Jay's right hand.

               TIGHT on Suzanne's left hand grabbing Bob's left hand.

               Suzanne leaps forward at us, pulling Jay and Silent Bob 
               backwards.

                                     JAY
                         GET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!!

               EXT. DAM--DAY

               Suzanne leaps from the mouth of the tunnel, dragging Jay and 
               Bob with her.

                                     JAY AND BOB
                         AAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!

               INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY

               Willenholly goes wide-eyed, holstering his gun.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Oh, no--think you can pull a Peter 
                         Pan on me?!

               He races toward the mouth of the tunnel and leaps out as 
               well.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         AAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!

               EXT. DAM--DAY

               As Willenholly plummets, he passes Suzanne hanging by her 
               feet off a pipe that pokes out from beneath the mouth of the 
               tunnel. She's hanging upside down, holding Jay and Silent 
               Bob's hands.

                                     JAY
                         HEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK--
                         SMOKER!!!

               EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAY

               Willenholly plummets toward the water below and ker-splashes 
               into the drink.

               EXT. DAM--DAY

               Suzanne has pulled Jay and Silent Bob back into the mouth of 
               the tunnel.

                                     JAY
                         You see that shit? Damn--remind me 
                         not to get on the monkey's bad side.  
                         Yo--boost her up. So we can talk, so 
                         we can get the fuck out of here.

               Silent Bob lifts Suzanne over the tunnel onto the--

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               --pavement near the manhole. She sits there, looking down.

               EXT. DAM--DAY

               Silent Bob lifts Jay over the top of the tunnel toward the 
               road,

               EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

               Suzanne sits by the side of the road. A car pulls into the 
               shot.

               Jay and Silent Bob climb over the cliff onto the highway 
               just in time to see--

               The passenger door slamming on a TRUCK with Los Angeles plates 
               and a sign that reads CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. Suzanne is 
               looking out the back window waving.  Jay and Bob leap to 
               their feet, chasing after the truck.

                                     JAY
                         HEY! GET THE FUCK OFF HER, MAN! THAT'S 
                         MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S MONKEY?!

               The truck speeds away in the distance. Jay and Silent Bob 
               stand there, panting.

                                     JAY
                         Man! Who the fuck just steals a 
                         monkey?!

               Silent Bob indicates themselves.

                                     JAY
                         Oh yeah.
                              (pissed)
                         Well this fucking blows! We got one 
                         more day to stop those fucks from 
                         making that movie, and someone goes 
                         and takes the only thing I had left 
                         from the one woman I ever loved enough 
                         NOT to try to stick my hand down her 
                         pants!

               Silent Bob mimes that they should go after Suzanne.

                                     JAY
                         Go after the monkey? How the fuck 
                         are we supposed to know where that 
                         thing's going?

               Silent Bob mimes in the direction the car went. Jay stares 
               at him.

                                     JAY
                         What? What is that supposed to mean?! 
                         Don't just fucking point like--
                              (imitates him)
                         You ain't the broad in the Children 
                         of a Lesser God. Use you fucking 
                         mouth for more than eating, ya tubby 
                         bitch!

               Bob starts an elaborate pantomime. Jay tries to guess what 
               he's saying.

                                     JAY
                         You gotta take a shit? No--you gotta 
                         take a salad? Take a salad? What the 
                         fuck are you trying to say?

               Bob's on the verge of tears, trying to mime out his message.

                                     JAY
                         JUST FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY?!?

               Silent Bob grabs Jay and screams into his face.

                                     SILENT BOB
                         THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID 
                         CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU DUMB 
                         FUCK!!!

               Bob releases Jay, breathing heavily and storms off in the 
               direction of the car went. Jay watched him go for a beat, 
               then follows, muttering under his breath--

                                     JAY
                         Say it, don't spray it, bitch.

               EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY

               AN ESTABLISHING SHOT.

                                     SHERIFF (O.S.)
                         "And might I add, that's one fine-
                         looking boy you're raising."

               INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY

               The Sheriff and his men stand around, eating donuts, laughing. 
               The Station doors slam open, and Willenholly enters, soaking 
               wet. All the Cops stare at him.

                                     SHERIFF
                         Well, if it isn't the wildlife 
                         experts. Did you come to it or go to 
                         it?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Do you have a microwave here, Sheriff?

                                     SHERIFF
                         We have a toaster oven. Why?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Because I need to dry my gun out so 
                         I can SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE!

                                     SHERIFF
                         This might cheer you up.
                              (hands him paper)
                         Your office just faxed this over. 
                         Guy there say it's a post from an 
                         Internet chat board, signed by a 
                         "Jay and Silent Bob." Your man thinks 
                         it's a lead as to where those fellas 
                         are taking the ape.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (reading)
                         "All you motherfuckers are gonna 
                         pay. You are the ones who are ball-
                         lickers.  We're gonna fuck your 
                         mothers while you watch and cry like 
                         little bitches. Once we get to 
                         Hollywood--"
                              (looks up)
                         They're going to Hollywood.

               EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGE

               We take a quick visual tour of the city, including the sign, 
               the line of front of Krispy Kreme, the line in front of Coffee 
               Bean and Tea Leaf, the Simpson star in the Walk- of- Fame, 
               the Rocky and Bullwinkle statue, the Beverly Center, Jerry's 
               Famous Deli, the Hollywood and Vine sign, Mann's Chinese 
               Theatre, the Star Wars footprints outside of Mann's, the 
               Chateau Marmont, people on cell phones, Trashy Lingerie. 
               HOOKERS propositioning a potential JOHN, and finally--

               EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAY

               We start on the street sign, and PAN DOWN to a JEEP WRANGLER 
               that pulls up. A gorgeous woman in sunglasses drives, with 
               Silent Bob sitting in the back seat.  After a beat, Jay pops 
               up from under the dash, wiping his mouth, looking around.  
               The Woman sighs, and zips up her pants. Jay and Bob hop out 
               and wave to the Woman as the car pulls away. Bob offers Jay 
               a look.

                                     JAY
                         What? It's not like it's cheating. 
                         Justice blew up.

               Two HOOKERS approach them.

                                     HOOKER 1
                         Hey, little man. You want some of 
                         this?

                                     HOOKER 2
                         How about you, Big Boy?

                                     HOOKER 1
                         If you've got fifty bucks we can get 
                         nasty.

                                     JAY
                         Oh yeah? How nasty?

                                     HOOKER 2
                         As nasty as you wanna be, poppie.

                                     JAY
                         Alright--first, I'll want to tongue 
                         your bung while you juggle my balls 
                         in one hand and play with my asshole 
                         with the other. But don't stick you 
                         finger in.  Then. I'll wanna pinky 
                         you and put it in your friend's brown, 
                         while Silent Bob spanks into a Dixie 
                         cup. After that, I'll wanna smell 
                         your titties, for a while, and you 
                         can pull my nutsack up over my dick, 
                         so it looks like a Bullfrog. Then I 
                         want you to flick at my nuts while 
                         your friend spanks me into the same 
                         Dixie cup Silent Bob jizzed in. Then 
                         we throw the Dixie cup out.

               The Hookers look at him, dumbfounded, Then--

                                     HOOKER 1
                         Oh, that's it honey. I quit.
                              (walking away)
                         This job just passed the point of no 
                         return.

                                     HOOKER 2
                              (to Jay)
                         You one fucked up puppy, poppie.

                                     JAY
                              (watching them go)
                         What?! You said 'nasty'?
                              (shakes his head; to 
                              Bob)
                         Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck 
                         up.

               EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATER

               Jay and Silent Bob walk.

                                     JAY
                         Alright, here's the plan: first, we 
                         find out where they're shooting that 
                         movie at. After we shut that shit 
                         down, we can start looking for the 
                         monkey. But before we do any of that 
                         shit, we gotta find a motherfucker 
                         in the know. Someone who's like, the 
                         mayor of Hollywood.

               They pass a DEALER leaning against a wall, trying to make a 
               sale.

                                     DEALER
                              (subtly)
                         Crack? You want some crack? Sweet-
                         ass rock. Get you high.

                                     JAY
                         No man, but you want some weed?

                                     DEALER
                              (beat)
                         You on the job?

                                     JAY
                              (pulling out a card)
                         Yeah, boy. Jersey Local 408.

               CLOSE ON THE CARD.  It reads: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OF 
               DEALERS, LOCAL 408.

               There's a graphic of a stoner beside it.

                                     DEALER
                         I'm Los Angeles Local 305!

               They shake hands, slapping each other on the back like Union 
               brothers.

                                     DEALER
                         You guys got medical in Jersey yet?

                                     JAY
                         Shit, no, we might have to strike in 
                         September.

                                     DEALER
                         Norma Rae like a motherfucker. You 
                         gots to get your benefits, you know 
                         what I'm saying?

                                     JAY
                         I hear that. Yo--maybe you can help 
                         us out. You know where they're 
                         shooting a movie around here.

                                     DEALER
                         You in this town and you gonna ask 
                         that question? Be a little more 
                         specific.

                                     JAY
                         It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust 
                         it up so people stop calling us names 
                         on the Internet, even though they're 
                         not really talking about us but these 
                         characters based on us, and at the 
                         same time, find my ex-girlfriend-who-
                         got-killed-in-a-car-explosion's 
                         monkey.

               Jay exhales. The Dealer stares at him for a beat.

                                     DEALER
                         I don't know that the fuck you just 
                         said, little kid. But you touched a 
                         brother's heart, so I'm gonna help 
                         you out with some directions to the 
                         studio.

                                     JAY
                         You know where Miramax is at?

                                     DEALER
                         Fuck, yes. Miramax accounts for 
                         seventy-eight percent of my business.

               INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAY

               After E! news logo plays. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO in studio.

                                     STEVE KMETKO
                         Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent 
                         Bob?  A source at the Federal Wildlife 
                         Marshal's Office tells us a posting 
                         was pulled off an Internet movie 
                         chat board that was allegedly written 
                         by the two domestic terrorists 
                         themselves. It's sending a shockwave 
                         through Hollywood. Jules Asner's on 
                         the scene at Miramax Studios, Jules?

               Jules Asner is in front of the Miramax Studios main gate.

                                     JULES ASNER
                         Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is 
                         one of terror today, after the Federal 
                         Wildlife Marshal's Office learned 
                         that hot, new terrorists Jay and 
                         Silent Bob are targeting Miramax 
                         Studios for their next campaign of 
                         blood, violence and monkey-theft. In 
                         the posting, pulled off Movie Poop 
                         Shoot.com, the gruesome twosome 
                         threatened, quote--
                              (reading)
                         "Once we get to Hollywood and find 
                         those Miramax Expletive-Deleted who 
                         are making the Bluntman and Chronic 
                         movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our 
                         Expletive-Deleted, then Expletive-
                         Deleted, which is made up of our 
                         Expletive-Deleted, then eat their 
                         Expletive-Deleted, which is made up 
                         of our Expletive-Deleted that we 
                         made 'em eat. Unquote. So far, we 
                         haven't been able to get a statement 
                         from anyone here are the studio.

               BACK TO STEVE in the E! Studio.

                                     STEVE
                         Jules, word has it that Ben Affleck 
                         and Matt Damon are on the lot, 
                         shooting a super-secret project. 
                         Have you seen then roaming around?

               BACK TO JULES at Miramax Studios.

                                     JULES
                         No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck 
                         buying a soda at a concession stand 
                         earlier.

                                     STEVE
                         But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?

                                     JULES
                         None whatsoever. However, to be fair, 
                         all the feds have to work with is 
                         murky videotape, so no one's even a 
                         hundred percent sure what Jay and 
                         Silent Bob look like, exactly. For 
                         all we know, they could already be 
                         on the lot.

               As Jules speaks, Jay and Bob walk into the frame behind her, 
               looking up at the studio sign. They then notice the camera 
               and start waving behind Jules.

               INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAY

               Justice goes wide-eyed, seeing Jay and Bob on E! She hops 
               out of her seat.

                                     JUSTICE
                         Oh my God! Jay! No!

               Justice looks around, panicky. Her eyes fall on--

               The diamonds, sitting atop the satchel on the table.

               Justice looks at the diamonds, then the TV screen. She thinks 
               for a beat, then--

                                     JUSTICE
                         Fuck it.

               She pours the diamonds into the satchel, and shoves it in 
               her pocket.

               INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAY

               The door slowly opens in the dark bedroom, and Justice crawls 
               to the bedside table, reaching for a set of keys. In the 
               bed, Missy and Chrissy make out under the sheets, moaning. 
               Sissy's banging the Pizza Delivery Guy against the vanity.  
               Justice grabs the keys, leaving a note in their place. As 
               she crawls back out, we PUSH IN on the note, which reads: 
               SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM.

               EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAY

               The convertible skids out, taking off.

               INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAY

               There's a loud scream, then Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy rush 
               down the stairs (in varied states of undress and sheet-wrap). 
               Wiping their mouths. Sissy holds Justices's note.

                                     SISSY
                         That bitch!  That fucking, fucking 
                         bitch!!!
                              (to girls)
                         Get dressed. We're going after her.

                                     CHRISSY
                         Fuck that, I didn't get to cum yet.

                                     SISSY
                         Which is more important to you: a 
                         fortune in diamonds or busting a 
                         nut?

               Sissy and Missy race back up the stairs. Chrissy stands there 
               still, shrugs, then digs her hand into her panties.

                                     SISSY (O.S.)
                         Chrissy! Now!

                                     CHRISSY
                         Fuck--

               Chrissy races back up the stairs.

               EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAY

               The E! NEWS CREW packs up. Jay and Silent Bob study the main 
               gate. They watch the SECURITY GUARD approach a car that's 
               just pulled up. The Guard checks the driver's pass, then 
               lifts the gate to let the car through. Jay looks to Bob.

                                     JAY
                         We gotta play this right.

               Bob nods, After a beat, the pair tear-ass past the guard 
               booth. The GUARD leaps out of the booth, blowing a whistle 
               and giving chase.

               EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAY

               Jay and Bob race around the building toward what looks like 
               an open alley then smash into it, falling down. The open 
               alley is a background painting that's being moved by some 
               SCENICS. Jay and Bob get up, shaking off the impact.

                                     JAY
                         I hate how fake Hollywood is.

               The SECURITY GUARD catches up to them now, grabbing them by 
               their shoulders, spinning them around.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Where do you think you're going?

                                     JAY
                         GET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!!

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         This is L.A., sir. We don't rape our 
                         suspects in custody. We just beat 
                         them.
                              (into walkie-talkie)
                         Echo Base, I've got a ten-o-seven 
                         here: two unauthorizeds on the lot. 
                         Request back-up.

                                     VOICE
                              (from walkie-talkie)
                         I thought that was a ten-eighty-two.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         No, sir--a ten-eight-two is the code 
                         for vanishing a dead hooker from Ben 
                         Affleck's trailer.

                                     VOICE
                              (from walkie-talkie)
                         Oh, that Affleck. Backup on the way.

                                     JAY
                         Hey! I make you a deal: this guy'll 
                         suck your dick off if you let us go!

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Contrary to what you believe, not 
                         everyone in the movie business is 
                         gay.

                                     JAY
                         Well, how about this deal: he sucks 
                         my dick while you watch and jerk 
                         off.

               The Security Guard stops, looks around, then releases them, 
               reaching into his pants.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Alright. But make is fast. And sexy.

               Silent Bob looks at Jay, wide-eyed and scared.

                                     JAY
                         Dude, it's either this or jail. And 
                         you know what they make you do in 
                         jail.

               Silent Bob wells up with tears, slowly dropping to his knees, 
               reaching for Jay's pants. The Security guard bends down low 
               to watch at crotch-level. Suddenly, Jay hammers his two fists 
               into the Security Guard's neck, knocking him out.  Silent 
               Bob falls into a sitting position on the ground, relieved. 
               Jay looks at him.

                                     JAY
                         Well what are you waiting for, bitch? 
                         Start sucking. Bunnggg!
                              (looking around)
                         Alright--where they shooting this 
                         movie at?

               Silent Bob points behind Jay, at the SOUNDSTAGE they're in 
               front of. There's a LINE OF PEOPLE waiting at the door.

                                     JAY
                         Worth a shot. Like a shot in the 
                         mouth, you gay bitch. Eww, dude--you 
                         were really gonna suck my dick.

               Silent Bob shakes his head "no," wide-eyed as Jay heads off. 
               When Jay's out of frame, Silent bob shrugs like, "Yeah--I 
               guess I was."

               EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

               Jay and Bob approach the line, as an A.D. calls out to the 
               crowd.

                                     A.D.
                         Alright--bar extras. Follow me.

               The A.D. starts leading the crowd in. Jay and Bob blend in 
               and follow inside.

               EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

               An official-looking car tears down the road.

               INT. CAR--SAME

               Willenholly drives, dialing his cell phone.

                                     PHONE VOICE
                         Federal Bureau of Investigation

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Yes, this is Federal Wildlife Marshal 
                         Willenholly. Can I speak with Agent 
                         Sid Enmarty, please?

                                     PHONE VOICE
                         One moment, please.

               INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAME

               AGENT SID ENMARTY works at his desk.

                                     SPEAKER VOICE
                         Agent Enmarty? A Marshal Willenholly 
                         calling.

                                     AGENT SID
                              (perking up)
                         Holy shit! Yeah, put him through.
                              (calling off)
                         YO! INCOMING BITCH BOY PHONER!

               Two other AGENTS rush in, chuckling. All gather around the 
               phone as Sid presses the speaker button.

                                     AGENT SID
                         Willenholly?

               BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Sid? Hey, buddy. I'm calling because 
                         I could really use your help on this 
                         killer case I'm working.

                                     AGENT SID
                         I'll bet, Will. What's it this time... 
                         Beaver trouble? Some kind of 
                         unauthorized marsupial trafficking?

               The agents crack up, stifling their laughter.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (taking it in stride)
                         No, no--nothing like that. Say--there 
                         aren't other people listening in, 
                         are there?

                                     AGENT SID
                         No way, man. It's just me and you 
                         talking here.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Good. I'm tracking a monkey down 
                         that's on it's way to Los Angeles, 
                         and I could use some bureau backup.

                                     AGENT SID
                         Los Angeles, hunh? Maybe we should 
                         stake out Clint Eastwood's place. 
                         Didn't he used to drive around with 
                         a monkey that'd punch people and 
                         drink beer?

               The Agents crack up. Willenholly's catching on.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Am, uh--Am I on speaker phone?

                                     AGENT SID
                         No way--Dunston!

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Alright, now that's not fair. I know 
                         I didn't make it as high up as you 
                         guys, but my job's just as important.

                                     AGENT SID
                         Calm down, Will. Don't go all... 
                         bananas on us!

               The Agents crack up even more, Willenholly's pissed.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         I come to you as a friend--as a fellow 
                         professional--and this is the shit I 
                         get?!

                                     AGENT SID
                         You're right, Will. Tell you what--
                         we'll get our best man on your case 
                         right away. You might've heard of 
                         him. He's a doctor.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (excited)
                         Oh, a doctor?

                                     AGENT SID
                         His name's Doctor Zaius!

               The Agents laugh hysterically, pounding the desk, Willenholly 
               tears up, enraged.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         SCREW YOU GUYS!

               Willenholly throws his cell phone across the car, the mocking 
               laughter still emitting from it. Willenholly cries.

               EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAY

               The Red Light FLASHES outside the soundstage.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

               Jay and silent Bob stand amidst a line of EXTRAS. Silent Bob 
               looks O.C. goes wide-eyed, and pokes Jay, pointing O.C. Jay 
               looks and sees--

               A COLLEGE BAR set that looks like the College Bar from Good 
               Will Hunting, complete with CLARK (the stuffy college jerk).  
               MATT DAMON stands off to the side, loosening up for the scene. 
               BEN AFFLECK calls to the O.C. DIRECTOR.

                                     BEN
                         Where are we taking it from, Gus?

               Gus Van Sant sits off to the side, counting a stack of money. 
               He just shrugs.

                                     GUS
                         I'm busy.

                                     BEN
                         You're a true artist, Gus

                                     MATT
                         Just take it from "It's a good 
                         course."

                                     BEN
                         Oh, now you're the director.

                                     MATT
                         Hey, shove it. Bounce-boy. Let's 
                         remember who talked who into doing 
                         this shit in the first place. Talking 
                         me into Dogma was one thing, but 
                         this--

                                     BEN
                         I'm sorry this is taking you away 
                         from whatever-gay-killers-on-horses-
                         who-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-
                         flick you're supposed to be doing 
                         this week.

                                     MATT
                         Oh--I'm touchy-feely? I take it you 
                         never saw Forces of Nature?

                                     BEN
                         You're like a child. What've I been 
                         telling you? Sometimes you've gotta 
                         do the safe picture. Sometimes, you 
                         do it for art. Sometimes, it's the 
                         payback picture your friend says you 
                         owe him--

               They take a beat and look at the camera. Then--

                                     BEN
                         And sometimes, you go back to the 
                         well.

                                     MATT
                         And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.

                                     BEN
                         Now that's just mean.

               Jay turns excitedly to Bob.

                                     JAY
                         This has gotta be the Bluntman Flick, 
                         'cause that's those two fucks from 
                         that Mork movie! Now all we gotta do 
                         is figure out a way to get close to 
                         them--

               The A.D. grabs Jay and Bob by the arms and drags them onto 
               the set, placing them near Ben and Matt in the scene.

                                     A.D.
                         Just stand there and react. Don't 
                         say anything.

               Bob goes a little wide-eyed. Jay smiles at him.

                                     JAY
                              (off A.D.'s comment)
                         That's pretty funny.

                                     A.D.
                              (calling out)
                         Alright, people. Lock it up. Let's 
                         go for picture.

               Jay and Bob eye Ben and Matt fiercely, Ben and Matt are 
               oblivious.

                                     JAY
                         On the count of three, we rush those 
                         fucks and beat the shit out of 'em. 
                         'Cause if they're all fucked up, 
                         they can't make the move, right? 
                         Alright, then.  One--two--

                                     CLAPPER/LOADER (O.S.)
                         Good Will Hunting Two: Hunting Season.

               Jay and Bob freeze and look at each other, then O.C.

               The Clapper/Loader holds a clapboard in front of Ben's face. 
               It does indeed, read: Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season.

                                     CLAPPER/LOADER
                         Scene sixteen, take five.

               The Clapper/Loader claps the board closed and races off. Ben 
               looks to Gus.

                                     BEN
                         Action, Gus?

               Gus looks up from counting his money.

                                     GUS
                         Jesus, Ben--I said I'm busy.

               Ben shakes his head and then starts the scene with CLARK.

                                     BEN/CHUCKIE
                         You should check it out, it's a good 
                         course. But, you know, frankly, I 
                         found the class rather elementary.

                                     CLARK
                         You know, I don't doubt that it was. 
                         I remember that class. It was just 
                         between recess and lunch.

                                     BEN/CHUCKIE
                         Are we gonna have a problem, again?

                                     CLARK
                         There's no problem. I was still just 
                         hoping you might give me some insight 
                         into the evolution of the market 
                         economy in the Southern Colonies. 
                         See, Wood says--

                                     MATT/WILL
                              (stepping in)
                         What'd I say? Didn't I say you'd be 
                         back here regurgitating Gordon Wood. 
                         But you forgot about Vickers--

                                     CLARK
                         No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up 
                         on inherited wealth, Hunting. But 
                         you're not the angry, brilliant young 
                         mind you once were, just itching to 
                         vent your frustrations.

               In the background, Jay and Silent Bob get bored and head out 
               of the shot. After a beat, they get pushed back in by the 
               A.D.

                                     CLARK
                         Once Sean told you it wasn't your 
                         fault, you lost the edge, William.  
                         You stopped hitting the books with a 
                         vengeance, and now I've read shit 
                         you haven't even heard about yet. 
                         Face facts, my friend--love made you 
                         a soft little pussy boy, unable to 
                         stand up to an academic showdown, 
                         like you used to. You're just no 
                         longer that good--Will Hunting.
                              (gets in his face)
                         Now how do you like them apples?

               Matt/Will turns away angrily, facing Ben/Chuckie, looking 
               downwards, steaming.

                                     BEN/CHUCKIE
                         I don't like the sound of them apples. 
                         Will, what're we gonna do now?

                                     MATT/WILL
                         Chuckie--
                              (snarling)
                         It's Hunting season.

               Matt/Will spins to face Clark with two huge guns in his hands. 
               He blows Clark away, Jay and Bob hit the deck. Matt/Will 
               stands there, guns smoking.

                                     BEN/CHUCKIE
                         Apple sauce, bitch.

               Suddenly the door to the soundstage swings open, and the 
               Security guard Jay knocked out rushes in, followed by other 
               SECURITY GUARDS who comb the place.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but have a 
                         ten-oh-seven on our hands.

                                     BEN
                         Wait a second! I wasn't with any 
                         hookers today!

               The Security Guard sees Jay and Bob crouched behind Ben, He 
               points, screaming.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         THERE THEY ARE!

               Ben and Matt turn to Jay and Bob, Jay smiles.

                                     JAY
                         Affleck, you're the bomb in Phantoms, 
                         yo.

               Jay and Bob then race out-of-frame, closely followed by the 
               Security guards.  Matt head off, arms thrown in the air.

                                     MATT
                         If anyone's looking for me, I'll be 
                         in my trailer trying to figure out 
                         how I got here from an Academy Award.

               EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

               Jay and Bob rush out, pulling a bench in front of the door, 
               blocking it. They race ten feet to another soundstage across 
               from them and head inside a door.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

               Jay and Silent Bob rush in to see--

               Wes Craven getting ready to direct a scene with a familiar-
               looking GHOSTFACE KILLER and SHANNEN DOHERTY. The 
               Clapper/Loader's clapboard reads: Scream 4

                                     CLAPPER/LOADER
                         Scream four, scene thirty-seven, 
                         take one.
                              (claps it and rushes 
                              off)

                                     WES CRAVEN
                         Action!

               The Killer chases Shannen around the room, falling over stuff, 
               until she hits him with a lamp, knocking him out.

                                     SHANNEN DOHERTY
                         Alright, you bastard! Let's see who 
                         you really are!

               Shannen pulls the mask off the short performer to reveal 
               SUZANNE.

               Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed.

                                     SHANNEN DOHERTY
                         Fucking Miramax--
                              (getting up)
                         CUT!

               Shannen heads over to Wes, holding the mask.

                                     WES CRAVEN
                         Shannen, usually I say "cut."

                                     SHANNEN DOHERTY
                         A monkey? Jesus, you guys aren't 
                         even trying anymore, are you?

                                     WES CRAVEN
                         The market research suggest that 
                         people love monkeys.

               Jay and Silent Bob rush in, grab Suzanne.

                                     JAY
                         WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!

               They rush out. West shrugs to Shannen.

                                     WES CRAVEN
                         See?

               Security Guards race through, chasing after the exited pair.

               EXT. LOT--DAY

               Jay and Bob race through the lot, with Bob carrying Suzanne. 
               On a fake New York city street, another movie is shooting. 
               The trio, bob and weave through the shoot, until--

               At the end of the alley, a set GOLF CART pulls up, and four 
               Security Guards pile out, forming a human wall, blocking 
               their path. Jay and Bob stop dead, looking back to see the 
               other Security Guards gaining.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are we gonna do?

               Just then, a P.A. on a bike pulls up nearby. He ditches the 
               bike and grabs papers from the large hanging basket in front.

               Jay and Bob look at each other, race over to the bike, and 
               jump on, putting Suzanne in the basket. They start pedaling 
               away furiously, closely followed by the Security Guard posse. 
               Silent Bob peddles like mad, racing toward the Golf Cart.

                                     JAY
                         PUNCH IT!!!

               Bob pops a wheelie and the Bike races up the front of the 
               vehicle, taking flight,

               Below, the Security Guards stare in awe as--

               Jay and Silent Bob atop the bike--with Suzanne in the front 
               basket--go past a moon (on a billboard, on the side of a 
               soundstage) a la E.T.

               Jay and Bob look down, then at each other. They smile. Then 
               they look ahead and let out a scream.

               The bike crashes through a window in the side of a Soundstage 
               Building.

               INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY

               The Bike lands, and Jay and Bob, and Suzanne go tumbling 
               onto the floor covered in glass. They look up to see.

               JAMES VAN DER BEEK AND JASON BIGGS dressed as Jay and Silent 
               Bob, looking down as them.

                                     JAMES
                         Holy shit--that looked like it hurt.

                                     JASON
                         Are you guys alright?
                              (off Suzanne)
                         Hey! They've got a monkey!

               Jay and Bob look at their twins, then at each other.

                                     JAY
                         Yo, I think that shit just kicked 
                         in.

                                     JAMES
                         Let's get you guys on your feet.

               James and Jason help Jay and Silent Bob to their feet. All 
               stare at one another, perplexed,

               Then--

                                     JAY
                              (to James)
                         See man?  Its never, "Hey--you were 
                         in Loser, or, "Dude--you rocked in 
                         Boys and Girls." It always comes 
                         back to that fucking pie! I'm haunted 
                         by it.!

                                     JAMES
                         Well, you put your dick in a pie, 
                         dude--

                                     JASON
                         Enough!
                              (to Jay)
                         Jason Biggs.

                                     JAY
                         Yo-you really get to third base with 
                         the Russsian chick like you did in 
                         the movies?

                                     JASON
                         You mean Shannon? Sadly, no.

                                     JAY
                         She's fucking hot, man. If I was 
                         you, I'd been like--

               Jay mimes a series of sexual maneuvers. Jason and James look 
               on, bewildered.

                                     JAY
                              (off James's-look)
                         What, man? You never did one of these?

               Jay starts miming again, and suddenly stops, staring at James, 
               blown away.

                                     JAY
                         Holy shit? You're the Dawson!

                                     JAMES
                         It's James, actually. James Van Der 
                         Beek.

                                     JAY
                         Yo, what's up with Pacey stealing 
                         Joey away from you? If I was you, I 
                         would've drowned his ass in your 
                         Creek and shit!

                                     JAMES
                         I know, Because what--is Josh better 
                         looking than me? Fuck, no. I mean, 
                         who on earth is better looking that 
                         me? I ask you.

                                     JAY
                         Joey, man! She's too fine! Yo--did 
                         you ever get to third base with her?

                                     JAMES
                         Well, there was this one time--
                              (catching himself)
                         Wait a second--who are you guys?!

                                     JASON
                         They're our stunt doubles, dumbass.
                              (to Jay)
                         Right?

                                     JAY
                         Stunt doubles for what?

                                     JAMES
                         The movie we start shooting in a few 
                         minutes--Bluntman and Chronic Strike 
                         Back.

                                     JASON
                              (to Bob)
                         You're doubling me. I'm playing 
                         Bluntman, AKA Silent Bill.

                                     JAMES
                         Bob

                                     JASON
                         Right. And he's playing Chronic. AKA 
                         Ray.

                                     JAMES
                         Jay! Shit, did you even read the 
                         script?

                                     JASON
                         There's a script?

               Jay and Bob stare at them, blankly. Then Jay puts up his 
               finger, indicating they should wait a minute. He gets into a 
               huddle with Silent Bob and Suzanne.

                                     JAY
                         These are the guys who are playing 
                         us, yo. We take them out, and bickety-
                         bam! No movie.

               Silent Bob nods at Jay, then Suzanne. Suzanne heads off, 
               leaving Jay and Bob to huddle.

                                     JASON
                              (off Jay and Bob, to 
                              James)
                         What's with the weird, gay huddle 
                         going on over there?

                                     JAMES
                         What's gay about it? It's two guys 
                         talking in a corner. Man--why are 
                         you such a homophobe.

                                     JASON
                         I'm not a homophobe.

                                     JAMES
                         You are. You're always calling things 
                         gay. "Ooo--look at the gay huddle, 
                         dude!"

               Suzanne approaches them.

                                     JASON
                         Hey--look at the monkey.

                                     JAMES
                         Next you're going to tell me the 
                         monkey's gay.

                                     JASON
                         He's so cute--
                              (to Suzanne)
                         C'mere. Monkey. C'mere--

               Suzanne pulls Jason and James out of the frame.

               While Jay and Silent Bob continue to huddle, the sounds of a 
               beating are heard, O.C.

                                     JAY
                         Alright, here's what we do: start 
                         swinging, and don't stop until those 
                         young Hollywood fucks are out of 
                         commission. Ready? Break!

               Jay and Bob spin to face Jason and James--only to go wide-
               eyed. Suzanne stands atop the fallen actors, who are bloodied 
               and beaten and knocked out cold. She holds her hands skyward, 
               clasped like a champion.

                                     JAY
                         That's one funky monkey.

               Suddenly there's a banging at the door of the dressing room.

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                         Mister Biggs?  Mister Van... Der--
                         Beek? This is Security. We've got a 
                         pair of intruders at large, and they 
                         crashed through a window we thought 
                         might be yours.

                                     JAY
                              (to door; deepening 
                              voice)
                         Uh--yeah. They're in here.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Do they have you hostage? Should we 
                         call your publicists?

                                     JAY
                         NO! I mean, we kicked those guys' 
                         asses bad. They're--knocked out.

               EXT. DRESSING ROOM--SAME

               The Security Guards stand outside a door marked James.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Great work, sirs! If you let us in, 
                         we'll take over--

                                     JAY (O.S.)
                              (through door)
                         NO! Me and Jason Biggs are naked in 
                         here! Together!

               The Security guard look at one another.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Uh--okay. We'll just be--outside the 
                         door, sirs.

               The Security Guards stifle a laugh, as one makes a blow job 
               face to the rest.

               INT. DRESSING ROOM--DAY

               Bob opens an AIR VENT in the wall. He puts Suzanne into it 
               and hands her the tranquilizer gun, miming to her. She nods, 
               and starts crawling through the ductwork, Bob closes the 
               vent again, and starts rifling through a nearby closet.

                                     JAY
                         What the fuck are we gonna do?! How 
                         are we gonna get out of here without 
                         them seeing us?

               Silent Bob pulls a pair of hangered COSTUMES from the closet, 
               smiling.

               EXT. LOT--DAY

               The Security Guards push a cuffed Jason and James into a 
               waiting Cop Car. The pair are still dressed like Jay and 
               Silent Bob.

                                     JAMES
                         YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUYS!

                                     JASON
                         HEY! DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?! I'M 
                         THE PIE-FUCKER.

                                     SECURITY GUARD
                              (to Cops)
                         He'll be the pie--in prison.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE HALLWAY--DAY

               Jay and Bob creep toward a door (we don't see the outfits).

                                     JAY
                         This was a good idea, Lunchbox. In 
                         these outfits we're totally incognito.

               Suddenly, and A.D. appears, grabbing them by the shoulders.

                                     A.D.
                         Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? 
                         Great--you've changed costumes 
                         already. Let's get you to set.
                              (pulling them off)
                         The director doesn't like to be kept 
                         waiting.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE--BLUNTCAVE SET

               It looks like the Batcave, but it's not. Off to the side, 
               near the monitor and chair setup, a black DIRECTOR eyeballs 
               the hustling, white crew.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Look at all these crackers, Seventy 
                         million dollars and I can't even get 
                         a black grip?

               A white P.A. brings a cup of latte to the Director.

                                     P.A.
                         Here's your coffee, sir.

                                     DIRECTOR
                              (eyes the coffee)
                         You spit in this?  Because I know 
                         all you white folks are pissed off 
                         that the studio'd entrust a multi-
                         million dollar to a brother.

                                     P.A.
                         I didn't spit in it, sir.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         Then taste it! Go on!

               The P.A. takes the cup and sips from it. He tries to hand it 
               back to the Director.

                                     P.A.
                         It's all good, sir.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         No it ain't all good. Oh, you think 
                         I want it now, after your lips touched 
                         the cup? Get the fuck off my set!

                                     P.A.
                         You the man, sir.

                                     DIRECTOR
                         No you the Man! And that's the 
                         problem!

               The Director glares at the scared P.A., as he cautiously 
               skulks off. BANKY EDWARDS approaches.

                                     BANKY
                         Uh, Chaka? Yeah, hi--I'm Banky 
                         Edwards, the creator of Bluntman and 
                         Chronic. We met a few weeks back. 
                         I'm the executive producer.

                                     DIRECTOR/CHAKA
                         Oh--you're the executive producer, 
                         hunh? Well go "produce" me a latte 
                         no white folks spit in--okay Fucky?

                                     BANKY
                         Banky. I just wanted you to know 
                         that I respect your work as an artist. 
                         I'm something of an artist myself. I 
                         was the inker on the comic book.

                                     CHAKA
                         An inker? What, like you trace?

               Banky's face drops as the A.D. joins them.

                                     A.D.
                         Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the 
                         set, Chaka.

                                     CHAKA
                         I don't see 'em. Where are they?
                              (into bullhorn)
                         WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE STARS OF THIS 
                         PIECE OF SHIT?!

               On the Bluntcave set, two massive doors open in the fake 
               rock. Smoke pours in, and Jay and Silent Bob--now dressed as 
               BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC--step from the darkness. Jay and Bob 
               survey the set, amazed.

                                     JAY
                         This must've set 'em back a couple 
                         hundred bucks.

                                     CHAKA
                         Look at this shit.
                              (off their outfits)
                         A gay hood ornament, and the color 
                         Purple.

                                     JAY
                         Who the fuck are you?

                                     CHAKA
                         Who the fuck am I? I'm the fucking 
                         director, is who I am. Chaka Luther 
                         King. The creator of all of this.

                                     JAY
                         Wait a sec--I thought Holden and 
                         Banky created this shit.

                                     CHAKA
                         And I'm stealing it. I'm taking it 
                         back for all the shit you people 
                         have stolen from us! Did you know, I 
                         came up with the idea for Sesame 
                         Street before PBS? I was going to 
                         call it N.W.P.--Niggaz with Puppets.
                              (beat)
                         Alright--enough small talk. Let's 
                         shoot it.

               Chaka heads back toward his monitor. Jay and Bob are confused.

                                     JAY
                         Wait, wait, wait!! Aren't you gonna 
                         direct us?

                                     CHAKA
                         I'll be directing you to the food 
                         stamps line after I fire your ass, 
                         if you talk back like that to me 
                         again!

                                     JAY
                         But we don't know what we're supposed 
                         to do here. We didn't even read the 
                         script.

                                     CHAKA
                         So? Neither did I. Shit, neither did 
                         the studio.
                              (pointing O.C.)
                         Look man, it's not hard. In this 
                         scene, the bad guy breaks into the 
                         Bluntcave.  You make up some shit, 
                         fight him for a while, I film it, I 
                         yell "cut," and then head back to my 
                         trailer, where I got more white women 
                         waiting for me there than the first 
                         lifeboat off the Titanic!
                              (confidentially)
                         They all want a part of the movie, 
                         and I got just the part for 'em.

               Jay and Silent Bob go wide-eyed, as Chaka heads off.

                                     CHAKA
                         LET'S ROLL WITH THE NEW!

                                     A.D. (O.S.)
                         QUIET ON THE SET! THIS IS A TAKE!

               Chaka climbs behind his monitor. The P.A. is waiting for him 
               with another cup of coffee.

                                     P.A.
                         I got you another cup of coffee, 
                         sir. Spit free.

               Chaka smacks the coffee out of his hand and sits down.

               The Clapper/Loader jumps in front of the startled Jay and 
               Bob, getting ready.  After a beat, he turns to Silent Bob.

                                     CLAPPER/LOADER
                         I just wanna say that I loved when 
                         you fucked that pie.
                              (calling off)
                         BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC STRIKE BACK, 
                         SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN, TAKE ONE!

               The clapper/Loader shuts the clapboard and races off. From 
               behind the monitor,

               Chaka calls out--

                                     CHAKA
                         ACTION!

               Jay and Bob (as Bluntman and Chronic) look at each other for 
               a beat. Then--

                                     JAY/CHRONIC
                         Uh--Snootchie Bootchies.

               Suddenly, the wall to their left explodes. Jay and Bob hit 
               the deck. Through the smoking rubble steps COCK-KNOCKER--the 
               arch--nemesis of Bluntman and Chronic.  He's a normal-looking 
               man with huge, overgrown FISTS.

                                     JAY/CHRONIC
                         What the fuck?

                                     COCK-KNOCKER
                         You thought I'd never find your 
                         precious Bluntcave, did you, Hemp 
                         Knight? But now you and your sidekick 
                         are finally in the grasp of Cock-
                         Knocker!

                                     JAY/CHRONIC
                         Why do they call you "Cock-Knocker"?

               Cock-Knocker slams one of his huge fists into Jay's balls. 
               Jay drops to his knees, wailing. Cock-Knocker then pulls a 
               vibrator-looking device from his cape.  He presses a button 
               on it and a laser beam rises out of the vibrator, like a 
               light saber.

                                     COCK-KNOCKER
                         Any last words before I bust your 
                         balls, Bluntman?

               Silent Bob quickly looks right, then left. His eyes fall on--

               A wall of armaments, on which hands a SILVER BONG, under the 
               placard: BONG SABER--EXTREMELY EXPERIMENTAL. DO NOT USE. 
               It's out of his reach.

               Silent Bob closes his eyes, concentrating. He reached his 
               hand out to the Bong Saber, attempting the Jedi Mind Trick.

               Suddenly, the Bong snaps from the armory into Bob's grip. 
               The Bong Saber blasts to life and Bob strikes a defensive 
               pose. Bob rushes the astonished Cock-Knocker and the pair 
               start light saber dueling.

                                     CHAKA
                              (from behind monitor)
                         Damn! Now that was one special effect! 
                         This picture's gonna make House Party 
                         look like House Party Two!

                                     A.D.
                         Or House Party Three?

                                     CHAKA
                         Shut the fuck up!

               Cock-Knocker battles Bob back. He vogues some impressive 
               blade handling, prompting Bob to make a run for it--up the 
               ladder of the Bong Reactor and over Cock-Knocker's head. He 
               lands behind Cock-Knocker, striking another pose.  Cock-
               Knocker then high- kicks Bob in the face, knocking him on 
               his ass across the floor. Cock-Knocker rushers over to deliver 
               a saber kill-shot, when we hear--

                                     JAY (O.S.)
                         YO-BITCH-FISTS!

               Cock-Knocker turns to see--

               Jay, standing on the rotating monitor station, holding a 
               double-sided saber. He clicks it and TWO beams emit (a la 
               the Darth Maul light saber in Episode One).

                                     JAY
                         Call me Darth Balls. Bunngg.

               Jay leaps at Cock-Knocker, wielding the double-beamed Bong 
               Saber.

                                     CHAKA
                              (from behind the 
                              monitor)
                         I think George Lucas is going to sue 
                         somebody--

               EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

               Willenholly's car screeches up, and Willenholly jumps with a 
               shotgun. He slides across the hood of the car and lands beside 
               the flashing red light.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (looking around)
                         So, this is Hollywood?
                              (suddenly full of 
                              purpose)
                         Lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent 
                         Bob.

               Willenholly cocks his shotgun and heads for the door.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

               The door bursts open, and Willenholly charges in, firing two 
               shots, O.C.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         FREEZE YOU TERRORIST SONSABITCHES!!!

               Willenholly goes wide-eyed.

               It's not Bluntcave. We're on a different soundstage, where a 
               kid's movie's being shot: Mooby's Grand Adventure. There's a 
               Barney-sized MOOBY surrounded by little KIDS. The Kids stare 
               back at Willenholly terrified. The Mooby suit has smoking 
               bullet holes in it. Mooby collapses.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Oh my God--
                              (to kids)
                         Um--sorry. That was supposed to be a 
                         warning shot. Uh--it looks like I'm 
                         on the wrong, uh--wrong set.

               The Kids look at the fallen Mooby. On looks angrily at the 
               O.C. Willenholly.

                                     KID
                         You killed Mooby--
                              (to Kids)
                         LET'S GET HIM!!!

               The Kids charge Willenholly, who screams like a woman as 
               he's attacked.

               INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

               Jay attacks Cock-Knocker with his Bong Saber, full throttle.

                                     COCK-KNOCKER
                              (breaking character)
                         You are not upstaging me, Van Der 
                         Beek!

               Jay whacks away happily at the actor playing Cock-Knocker, 
               hacking him up onto the ladder of the Bluntcave's nuclear 
               reactor. Cock-Knocker climbs the ladder slightly to evade 
               the attack, dueling Jay back with the saber in his other 
               hand.

                                     COCK-KNOCKER
                              (to O.C. Chaka)
                         CHAKA--CALL OFF DAWSON! GIVE ME A 
                         "CUT"!

               On cue, Jay delivers a kill-shot to one of Cock-Knocker's 
               huge fists, cutting it off (a la Empire).

               Silent Bob joins Jay, as Jay turns off this double-Bong Saber, 
               Jay grins at Cock-Knocker.

                                     JAY
                         Now whose balls have been busted, 
                         bitch?

               Suddenly, a gun shot rings out.

               All turn to see a roughed-up Willenholly, training his gun 
               first on Jay, then Bob.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         The C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and 
                         Silent Bob!
                              (revealing badge: 
                              calling out)
                         Everyone stay calm. I'm a Federal 
                         Wildlife Marshal. These men are the 
                         leaders of a terrorist organization 
                         wanted for the abduction of a monkey.

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                         They didn't really steal that monkey.

               All turn to see Justice approaching from the shadows. 
               Willenholly trains his gun on her. Jay's mouth drops.

                                     JUSTICE
                         It was just a diversion so we could 
                         steal these.

               Justice pulls the bag of diamonds from her jacket, revealing 
               them.

                                     JUSTICE
                         And they're not the leaders of 
                         C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T. is not real.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         No--the clit's real. The female orgasm 
                         is a myth.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (to Jay)
                         Are you guys alright?

                                     JAY
                         I thought you blew up, Boo Boo Kitty 
                         Fuck.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (smiling)
                         You remembered.
                              (back to business)
                         It was a frame-up, Jay. Sissy. Missy, 
                         Chrissy, and I are international 
                         jewel thieves. We were setting you 
                         up as a patsy, but I couldn't go 
                         through with it, because I... because 
                         I love you.

                                     JAY
                         Yeah? So that means you'll fuck me, 
                         right?

                                     VOICE (O.S.)
                         If she does, it'll be considered 
                         necrophilia.

               All turn to see Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy slinking from the 
               shadows, guns drawn.

                                     SISSY
                         Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
                              (to Justice)
                         Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad 
                         time?

                                     MISSY
                         You should've just let these guys go 
                         down, Jussy.

                                     JAY
                         Hey, I wanted to go down, but I was 
                         waiting until I got to know her a 
                         little better. See, there was this 
                         little angel on my shoulder, and he 
                         said--

                                     CHRISSY
                         Shut the fuck up before I shoot you 
                         where you stand in your pansy red 
                         booties.

                                     JAY
                              (looking down)
                         Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red 
                         booties!
                              (to Bob)
                         Man--why the fuck didn't you tell 
                         me?

                                     SISSY
                         Let's have those diamonds, Jussy.

                                     JUSTICE
                         I can't do that, Sissy

                                     SISSY
                              (points her gun at 
                              Jay)
                         Then lover--boy gets one in the brain.

                                     CHAKA
                         YO!

               All turn to look at Chaka.

                                     CHAKA
                         Would any of you lovely ladies like 
                         a private audition to be in my movie?

               Justice high-kicks the gun out of Sissy's hand. It lands on 
               the ground discharging. Then everyone starts shooting and 
               running for cover.

               Jay and Silent Bob hurl themselves over the Bluntmobile.

               Missy and Chrissy flip over a lavish, exquisitely-packed 
               craft service table labeled. CAST. They pop back up and start 
               firing at Willenholly. Willenholly leaps behind a barren 
               craft service table that holds a bag of Smarties and a dented 
               can of RC Cola. He pops up and returns fire. When both are 
               out of bullets, they drop back down behind the table and 
               reload. From behind his table,

               Willenholly yells--

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING AT ME?!?! I'M 
                         JUST A FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL!!!

                                     CHRISSY
                         TWO REASONS: ONE--WE'RE WALKING, 
                         TALKING BAD GIRLS, CLICHES!

                                     MISSY
                         AND TWO: BECAUSE YOU'RE A MAN.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         ONLY ON THE OUTSIDE!

               The Girls and Willenholly both pop back up and open fire 
               again.

               Chaka ducks behind the monitor.

                                     CHAKA
                         A shitload of white people with guns? 
                         Time to get my black ass out of here!

               He races off, passing Justice and Sissy, who circle each 
               other defensively, striking kung fu poses.

                                     SISSY
                         You really let me down, Justice. 
                         Throwing it all away for a little 
                         stoner with bad pronunciation.

                                     JAY (O.S.)
                         HEY!

                                     JUSTICE
                              (ignoring him)
                         What's it gonna be, Sissy? Which 
                         fighting style do you want me to 
                         kick your ass in?

                                     SISSY
                         Are you kidding me? I taught you all 
                         all your moves myself. There's not a 
                         style you can bust that I can't defend 
                         against.

                                     JUSTICE
                         You're no match for my "Shaolin Monk."

                                     SISSY
                         Yeah, but I can bury you with my 
                         "Crouching Tiger."

                                     JUSTICE
                         A little "Venus's--flytrap"?

                                     SISSY
                         I'll counter with "Dragon Crane."

                                     JUSTICE
                         How about a little "Bitch, My Man 
                         Ain't Yo Baby's Daddy"?

                                     SISSY
                              (beat; smiles)
                         Bring it on.

               Justice rushes Sissy and instead of sleek kung fu, they launch 
               into a down-and-dirty, girl's cat-fight; hair pulling and 
               screaming.

               Behind the Bluntmobile, Jay and Bob watch all the action.

                                     JAY
                         Yo--I hope one of 'em rips the other 
                         one's shirt off and we see some tit.

               Both Bob and Jay smile at each other, nodding. Banky joins 
               them, crawling in on his belly, covering his head.

                                     BANKY
                         Mister Biggs? Mister Van Der Beek? I 
                         just wanted to say hi. I'm--

                                     JAY
                         Banky fucking Edwards! Just the 
                         motherfucker we came to see!

                                     BANKY
                              (shocked)
                         Holy shit! What the fuck are you 
                         guys doing here?!

               Sissy has Justice on her belly, banging her face into the 
               floor, screeching.  Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.

                                     BANKY
                         Stop the movie?! Are you crazy?!

                                     JAY
                         All these assholes are calling us 
                         names on the Internet, 'cause of 
                         this stupid movie!

                                     BANKY
                         I feel for you boys--I really do. 
                         Those Net snipers can be really cruel. 
                         But Miramax paid me a shitload of 
                         money for Bluntman and Chronic, so 
                         it occurs to me that people bad-
                         mouthing you on some web-site is 
                         none of my FUCKING CONCERN!

                                     SILENT BOB
                         Oh--but I think it is.

               Banky stares at Silent Bob, agog, Jay rolls his eyes.

                                     JAY
                         Here we go again--

                                     SILENT BOB
                         Shut the fuck up.
                              (to Banky)
                         We had a deal with you on the comics 
                         for likeness rights. And as we're 
                         not only the artistic basis but also 
                         the character basis for your 
                         intellectual property, Bluntman and 
                         Chronic, when we said property was 
                         optioned by Miramax Films you were 
                         legally obliged to secure our 
                         permission to transfer the concept 
                         to another medium. As you failed to 
                         do that, you're in breach of the 
                         original contract--ergo, you find 
                         yourself in a very actionable 
                         position.

               Banky stares at Bob, even more agog, joined by Jay. After a 
               beat, Jay adds--

                                     JAY
                         Yeah.

               Justice now has the advantage over Sissy, holding her head 
               and kicking her in the face, repeatedly, screaming.

                                     BANKY
                         So, what do you guys want, to go 
                         away and take your lady friends with 
                         you?

                                     JAY
                         Shitcan this movie so we don't get 
                         called names on the Internet anymore.

                                     BANKY
                         Even if there's no movie, people are 
                         still free to talk shit about you on 
                         the Internet. That's what the 
                         Internet's for: slandering others 
                         anonymously.  Stopping the flick 
                         isn't going to stop that!

               In the background, we see Justice high-kick Sissy into the 
               air.

                                     JAY
                         Well this isn't fair!  We went to 
                         Hollywood, I fell in love, we stole 
                         a monkey, we got shot at, and got 
                         punched in the motherfucking nuts! 
                         We ain't leaving empty-handed!

               On cue, Sissy drops from above, landing in Jay's lap.

                                     JAY
                         What's up baby? You look good!

                                     BANKY
                         Isn't that your girlfriend's enemy?

                                     JAY
                         Oh yeah.
                              (pushing Sissy off 
                              him)
                         Get the fuck offa me, pig!

               Sissy races at Justice, leaping atop her, pulling her hair.

               Jay, Bob, and Banky continue.

                                     BANKY
                         You guys are gonna ruin my movie 
                         career.

                                     JAY
                         Well, we want something for our mental 
                         anguish.

                                     BANKY
                         Tell you what: we'll settle this 
                         monetarily. I'll give you half of 
                         what I made.

                                     JAY
                         Half?!?

                                     BANKY
                         Half's not good enough?  Fine--I'll 
                         give you two-thirds of what I made!

                                     JAY
                         Fuck-you--you already said half? You 
                         can't take it back!

               Silent Bob rolls his eyes, Banky shakes Jay's hand.

                                     BANKY
                         Done

               Justice throws Sissy off, onto the floor. Both get up, facing 
               each other.

                                     SISSY
                         Your shit is so tired, Justice!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Call me Boo-Boo Kitty Fuck--BITCH!

               Justice high-kicks Sissy and she goes flying across the stage.

               Sissy sails toward the craft service table, landing atop 
               Missy and Chrissy, knocking them out.

               Willenholly stands to see why the girls stopped shooting.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Hello? Truce?
                              (beat)
                         I think I killed both of them.

               Suddenly, he lets out a shriek and falls forward, revealing 
               a tranquilizer dart in his ass, and SUZANNE standing behind 
               him, holding the gun up in the air.  Justice surveys her 
               handiwork for a beat, then calls off toward the Bluntmobile.

                                     JUSTICE
                         C'mon guys. It's over.

               Jay, Bob, and Banky pop up from behind the car and join her.

                                     JAY
                         Yo, I was just about to jump in there 
                         and get your back.

               Then, the SOUND of SIRENS rings out in the distance.

                                     JAY
                         Holy shit, the cops! We gotta get 
                         out of here!

                                     JUSTICE
                         No. I'm tired of running.

               Justice lifts Willenholly into a sitting position and taps 
               his face.

                                     JUSTICE
                         You awake, Marshal? Marshal?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (tries to move but 
                              can't)
                         Oh my God, I'm paralyzed. The monkey 
                         shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! 
                         Oh the irony!

                                     JUSTICE
                              (off Suzanne's gun)
                         You're not paralyzed. It was just a 
                         tranquilizer.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Jesus! Tranqued by a little monkey! 
                         My friends in the Bureau are never 
                         gonna let me live this down!

                                     JUSTICE
                         You have friends in the F.B.I.?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                              (crying)
                         They all made it in, but I failed 
                         the exam. Why the hell else do you 
                         think I became a Federal Wildlife 
                         Marshal? 'Cause I'm a joke!

               Justice looks toward the direction of the sirens, thinking. 
               Then--

                                     JUSTICE
                         Maybe not. I can make you a deal 
                         that'll get you into the F.B.I., 
                         regardless of test scores.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         What kind of deal?

                                     JUSTICE
                         You drop the charges against Jay and 
                         Silent Bob and say you never found 
                         the ape.  Make sure the world knows 
                         they're not in control of any C.L.I.T.

                                     JAY
                         Now wait a second--

                                     JUSTICE
                         I'll explain later, Jay
                              (to Willenholly)
                         In exchange, I'll give you the 
                         diamonds I stole, and turn in Sissy, 
                         Missy, Chrissy, and myself. But I 
                         want a reduced sentence.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         You'd be willing to do that?

                                     JUSTICE
                              (off Jay)
                         For him? I'd be willing to do 
                         anything.

               Justice stands and takes Jay by the hands.

                                     JUSTICE
                         I'm an international jewel thief 
                         who's facing a jail sentence.

                                     JAY
                         That's alright. I'm a junkie with a 
                         monkey.

                                     JUSTICE
                         If I go to prison, will you wait for 
                         me?

                                     JAY
                         I don't know. Will we fuck when you 
                         get out?

               Justice smiles and kisses Jay Passionately. The kiss should 
               say it all, but--

                                     JAY
                         Don't change the subject. Will we 
                         fuck when you get out?

                                     JUSTICE
                         Snoogans.

               Justice and Jay kiss again.

               Suzanne reached up to Silent Bob, who picks her up. She grabs 
               his face and kisses him.

               Willenholly looks to Banky.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Wow. There's a lot of love in the 
                         room.

                                     BANKY
                         Regardless of what you may have heard. 
                         I do not kiss guys.

               EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--LATER

               Justice and Jay are still kissing, until Willenholly pulls 
               her away and loads her into the waiting Cop Car.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
                              (to Jay: friendly)
                         Hey--stop stealing monkeys.

                                     JAY
                         Fuck you.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Fair enough.

               Willenholly closes the door behind Justice and gets in the 
               car.

                                     JUSTICE
                              (to Jay)
                         Wait for me.

                                     JAY
                         What--here?

               Jay looks at Justice, confused, as the Cruiser pulls away, 
               leaving Jay, Bob, Suzanne, and Banky. They start walking 
               down the lot.

                                     BANKY
                         Well, boys--you're rich in love--
                              (indicating Jay)
                         Well, you're in love. And to top 
                         that off, you've got your own monkey. 
                         What more could two guys from Jersey 
                         possibly want?

                                     JAY
                         All those fucks to stop talking shit 
                         about us on the Internet, for 
                         starters.

                                     BANKY
                         What do I keep telling you? There's 
                         not much you can do to stop that. 
                         Well, short of showing up at all 
                         their houses and beating the shit 
                         out of them, I guess.

               Jay and Bob suddenly freeze. They look at each other and 
               smile.

                                     JAY
                              (to Bob)
                         You know--with all that money we're 
                         gonna make we can buy a lotta plane 
                         tickets.

               START THE JAY AND BOB KICKASS MONTAGE

               EXT. SKY--DAY

               A passenger JET flies through the sky.

               EXT. SUBURBAN STREET--DAY

               Jay and Bob stand across the street from a house. They check 
               the address on the big ream of paper they're carrying, nod 
               at each other, and cross the street.

               INT. HOUSE--DAY

               The doorbell rings. A MOTHER answers it to see Jay and Silent 
               Bob standing in the doorway.

                                     MOTHER
                         Can I help you?

                                     JAY
                         Yes. Ma'am, Does--
                              (reading of paper)
                         William Dusky live here?

                                     MOTHER
                         Yes. He's my son.

                                     JAY
                         May we talk to him, please.

                                     MOTHER
                         One moment.

               She walks away. After a beat, a fifteen-year-old KID comes 
               to the door.

                                     KID
                         Yeah?

                                     JAY
                         Yo--do you post as--
                              (reading off paper)
                         Magnolia-Fan on Movie Poop Shoot.com?

                                     KID
                         Yeah.

                                     JAY
                         And did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent 
                         Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses?

                                     KID
                         Yeah, a while ago. So?

               Jay and Bob nod at each other, then grab the KID, pull him 
               outside, and start beating the shit out of him on his front 
               lawn.

               EXT. SKY--DAY

               The passenger jet flies again, this time in the opposite 
               direction.

               EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE--DAY

               Jay and Bob knocking at another door. Another MOTHER answers. 
               They speak, she heads inside, and another KID comes to the 
               door.

                                     JAY
                         On Movie Poop Shoot.com. did you say 
                         Jay and Silent Bob--
                              (reading off paper)
                         "--are fucking clown shoes. If they 
                         were real, I'd beat the shit out of 
                         them for being so stupid."

                                     KID
                              (chuckling)
                         Yeah.

                                     JAY
                         Really--

               Again, Jay and Bob pull the Kid outside and beat the shit 
               out of him.

               INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

               Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a CLERK.

               EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY--DAY

               Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a WOMAN.

               EXT. RECTORY--DAY

               Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a PRIEST.

               INT. OFFICE--DAY

               Jay and Bob beat the shit out of a BUSINESSMAN.

               EXT. MOVIE THEATRE--NIGHT

               The marquee reads: JASON BIGGS AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK ARE 
               BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC!

               WORLD PREMIERE!

               The front doors open and the CROWD lets out. First we see 
               DANTE and RANDAL.

                                     RANDAL
                         Now that was worse then Clash of the 
                         Titans.

                                     DANTE
                         I still can't believe Judy Dench 
                         played me.

                                     RANDAL
                         Hey--remind me to renew that 
                         restraining order.

                                     DANTE
                         Why?

                                     RANDAL
                         Because I'm gonna blast the flick on 
                         the Internet tonight.

               STEVE-DAVE and WALT exit.

                                     STEVE-DAVE
                         Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent 
                         comic book movie?

                                     WALT
                         Tell'em Steve-Dave!

                                     STEVE-DAVE
                         Would you stop saying that?

               ALYSSA and TRISH come out.

                                     TRISH
                         Well, that was just another paean to 
                         male adolescence and its refusal to 
                         grow up.

                                     ALYSSA
                         Yeah, sis--but it was better than 
                         Mallrats. At least Holden had the 
                         good sense to keep his name off of 
                         it.

                                     TRISH
                         Why wouldn't Miramax option his other 
                         comic instead? You know--the one he 
                         drew about you and him and your 
                         relationship?

                                     ALYSSA
                         You mean Chasing Amy? That would 
                         never work as a movie.

               BANKY and HOOPER exit.

                                     BANKY
                         I'm so fucking embarrassed--

                                     HOOPER
                         Honey, you should be. They took your 
                         characters and reduced them to one 
                         ninety-minute-long-gay joke. It was 
                         like watching Batman and Robin again.

                                     BANKY
                         Thanks. That means a lot coming from 
                         the guy who pretends to be Shaft as 
                         opposed to the guy who takes shaft.

                                     HOOPER
                         I don't hear you complaining nightly. 
                         In fact, the only thing I do hear 
                         you say is "Yes, Hooper! Cradle the 
                         balls and work the shaft!"

                                     BANKY
                              (looking around)
                         Hey! Hey! What'd we say? Not in 
                         public!

               A guy behind them calls out to Banks.

                                     GUY
                         Nice movie, you fucking Tracer!

                                     BANKY
                              (recognizing him)
                         You--!

                                     GUY
                         That's right, you sonovabitch! I'm 
                         back for round two!

               Banky grabs the guy by the throat and starts choking him, 
               while Hooper tries to break them up.

               WILLENHOLLY exits with Justice in hand-and leg cuffs and a 
               prison uniform.  They're flanked by two ARMED PRISON GUARDS.

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         You know, I don't get out to the 
                         movies much. But I'd have to say 
                         Bluntman and Chronic was Blunt-tastic!

                                     JUSTICE
                         Are these leg cuffs really necessary?

                                     WILLENHOLLY
                         Don't make me shoot you, Justice.

               And finally, Jay and Silent Bob come out.

                                     JAY
                         YO! THE PARTY'S ACROSS THE STREET, 
                         FEATURING THE GREATEST BAND IN THE 
                         WORLD: MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME!!!

               WHIP PAN to Morris day and The Time on stage, performing 
               "The Bird." During the song, Morris points to--

               Jay and Bob, who are dancing with Suzanne and Justice (who's 
               still in cuffs, flanked by the Guards). Jay looks to Bob, 
               they nod at each other and--

               Jay and Silent Bob, join Morris Day and the TIME onstage, 
               and dance us out to the coda, which reads--

               CODA

               Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back went on to make a mere 2.3 
               million at the box office. It was the biggest commercial 
               failure in the history of Miramax films.  The film was roundly 
               drubbed as a bad idea by the denizens of the Internet chat 
               boards, and over the course of the next year, while they 
               waited for the Quick Stop restraining order to expire, Jay 
               and Silent Bob tracked them all down and beat the shit out 
               of them.

               CREDITS. THEN--

               INT. NOWHERE

               A familiar WOMAN closes a book that's marked: THE VIEW 
               ASKEWNIVERSE. She puts the book down, smiles at us and skips 
               off.

               THE END

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back



Writers :   Kevin Smith
Genres :   Adventure  Comedy


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