JUNO
Written by
Diablo Cody
EXT. CENTENNIAL LANE - DUSK
JUNO MacGUFF stands on a placid street in a nondescript
subdivision, facing the curb. It's FALL. Juno is sixteen
years old, an artfully bedraggled burnout kid. She winces
and shields her eyes from the glare of the sun. The object
of her rapt attention is a battered living room set, abandoned
curbside by its former owners. There is a fetid-looking
leather recliner, a chrome-edged coffee table, and a tasteless
latchhooked rug featuring a roaring tiger.
JUNO (V.O.)
It started with a chair.
INT. BLEEKER HOUSE - MOLD-O'-RIFFIC BASEMENT - NIGHT
FLASHBACK - Juno approaches a boy hidden by shadow. He's
sitting in an overstuffed chair. She slowly, clumsily lowers
herself onto his lap.
A 60's Brazilian track plays from a vintage record player.
WHISPERED VOICE
Do you know how long I've wanted
this?
JUNO
Yeah.
WHISPERED VOICE
Wizard.
EXT. CENTENNIAL LANE - CONTINUED
A DOG barks, jarring Juno back to reality.
JUNO
Quiet, Banana. Hey, shut your gob
for a second, okay?
We see a teacup poodle tethered in the yard a few feet away
from the abandoned living room set. The dog yaps again.
JUNO (V.O.)
This is the most magnificent discarded
living room set I've ever seen.
She swigs from an absurdly oversized carton of juice and
wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
BEGIN ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE:
Juno marching down various street, pumping her arms like a
jogger and chugging intermittently from the huge carton of
juice. We watch her breathlessly navigate suburbia, clearly
on a mission.
EXT. DRUGSTORE - DAY
Finally, a panting Juno arrives at DANCING ELK DRUG on the
main drag of her small Minnesota suburb, Dancing Elk.
The automatic doors of the store part to reveal Juno's flushed
serious face. She carelessly flings the empty juice container
over her shoulder and onto the curb. A group of DROPOUTS
with skateboards near the entrance glare at her.
She enters the DRUGSTORE.
INT. DRUGSTORE - CONTINUOUS
ROLLO, the eccentric drugstore clerk, sneers at Juno from
behind the counter. He wears a polyester uniform vest.
ROLLO
Well, well. If it isn't MacGuff the
Crime Dog! Back for another test?
JUNO
I think the last one was defective.
The plus sign looked more like a
division sign.
Rollo regards her with intense skepticism.
JUNO
I remain unconvinced.
Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach.
ROLLO
This is your third test today, Mama
Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt
about it!
An eavesdropping TOUGH GIRL wearing an oversized jacket and
lots of makeup gapes at Juno from the beauty aisle.
TOUGH GIRL
Three times? Oh girl, you are way
pregnant. It's easy to tell. Is your
nipples real brown?
A pile of stolen COSMETICS falls out of the girl's jacket
and clatters to the floor.
TOUGH GIRL
Balls!
Juno crosses and crosses her legs awkwardly, hopping. It's
obvious she has to use the bathroom urgently.
ROLLO
Maybe you're having twins. Maybe
your little boyfriend's got mutant
sperms and he knocked you up twice!
JUNO
Silencio! I just drank my weight in
Sunny D. and I have to go, pronto.
Rollo sighs and slips her the bathroom key. Juno races down
one of the aisles.
ROLLO
Well, you know where the lavatory
is.
(calling after her)
You pay for that pee stick when you're
done! Don't think it's yours just
because you've marked it with your
urine!
JUNO
Jesus, I didn't say it was.
ROLLO
Well, it's not. You're not a lion in
a pride!
(to himself)
These kids, acting like lions with
their unplanned pregnancies and their
Sunny Delights.
INT. DRUGSTORE - BATHROOM - DAY
In the dim, reeking public bathroom, Juno hovers over the
commode with her boxer shorts around her ankles. She clumsily
tries to use the pregnancy test.
We see the test box sitting on the sink. It's a TeenWave
Discount Pregnancy Test. The accompanying outdated package
photo is of a shrugging 80s teen with a resigned expression.
The fine print on the box reads "From the makers of Sun-Glitz
Lightening Hair Spritz!"
INT. DRUGSTORE - FRONT COUNTER - DAY
Juno holds the developing test in her hand and slaps the
open test box on the front counter. Rollo scans it and bags
it indifferently.
JUNO
Oh, and this too.
She places a giant licorice Super Rope on the counter.
ROLLO
So what's the prognosis, Fertile
Myrtle? Minus or plus?
JUNO
(examining stick)
I don't know. It's not... seasoned
yet. Wait. Huh. Yeah, there's that
pink plus sign again. God, it's
unholy.
She shakes the stick desperately in an attempt to skew the
results. Shake. Shake. Nothing.
ROLLO
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is
one doodle that can't be undid,
homeskillet.
EXT. MACGUFF HOUSE - EVENING
Juno walks slowly and dejectedly up the street to her house,
gnawing on the Super Rope. She stops and loops the Super
Rope over a low-hanging tree branch, contemplating how to
fashion a noose.
Juno trudges toward her HOUSE. The yard is a wild tangle of
prairie grass and wild flowers.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - JUNO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Juno's BEDROOM is decorated with punk posters: The Damned,
The Germs, the Stooges, Television, Richard Hell, etc. She
picks up a hamburger-shaped phone to call her best friend,
LEAH.
INT. LEAH'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
LEAH's room is cluttered with the sentimental junk that
certain girls love to hoard. The PHONE rings.
LEAH
(answering phone)
Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.
JUNO
I am a suicide risk.
LEAH
Is this Juno?
JUNO
No it's Morgan Freeman. Got any bones
that need collecting?
LEAH
Only the one in my pants.
JUNO
(in low tones)
Dude, I'm pregnant.
LEAH
Maybe it's just a food baby. Did you
have a big lunch?
JUNO
It's not a food baby. I took three
pregnancy tests today. I am definitely
up the spout.
LEAH
How did you even generate enough pee
for three pregnancy tests?
JUNO
I drank like ten tons of Sunny
Delight. Anyway, yeah. I'm pregnant.
And you're shockingly cavalier.
LEAH
Is this for real? Like for real, for
real?
JUNO
Unfortunately, yes.
LEAH
Oh my God! Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!
JUNO
That's the kind of emotion I was
looking for in the first take.
LEAH
Well, are you going to go to
Havenbrooke or Women Now for the
abortion? You need a note from your
parents for Havenbrooke.
JUNO
I know. Women Now, I guess. The
commercial says they help women now.
LEAH
Want me to call for you? I called
for Becky last year.
JUNO
Eh, I'll call them myself. But I do
need your help with something very
urgent.
EXT. CENTENNIAL LANE - NIGHT
Leah and Juno struggle to drag a recliner across a well
manicured suburban lawn. They make a formidable team.
LEAH
Heavy lifting can only help you at
this point.
JUNO
That is sick, man.
Leah busts a gut laughing. It's a stunningly accurate
portrayal of Bleeker's parents.
LEAH
So, you were bored? Is that how this
blessed miracle came to be?
JUNO
Nah, it was a premeditated act. The
sex, I mean, not getting pregnant.
LEAH
When did you decide you were going
to do Bleeker?
JUNO
Like, a year ago, in Spanish class.
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - SPANISH CLASS - DAY - (FLASHBACK)
Bleeker and Juno are sitting at their desks, listening to a
teacher lecturing about spanish. Bleeker discreetly pushes a
POSTCARD to Juno with his foot. She picks it up off the floor,
reads it, then looks at Bleeker, who is watching the teacher
obediently.
EXT. CENTENNIAL LANE - NIGHT
LEAH
Aha! You love him.
JUNO
It's extremely complicated, and I'd
rather not talk about it in my fragile
state.
She hefts a coffee table with her bare hands. She's wearing
her father's LIFTING BELT.
LEAH
So, what was it like humping Bleeker's
bony bod?
JUNO
It was magnificent, man!
INT. BLEEKER'S BEDROOM - MORNING
CU of Bleeker putting on double socks in his Car-Bed.
CU of Bleeker putting on his sweat bands.
CU of Bleeker applying Runner's Glide.
INT. KITCHEN - BLEEKER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING
CU of a CROISSANT POCKET warming in the microwave.
EXT. BLEEKER HOUSE - MORNING
PAUL BLEEKER steps onto the front porch of his house for
early morning track practice. He wears a cross country uniform
that reads "DANCING ELK CONDORS." He is eating some kind of
microwaved snack gimmick.
Bleeker is startled to discover that Juno is outside waiting
for him. She has somehow arranged the living room set on the
front lawn, and is seated in the armchair, chewing a pipe
officiously.
JUNO
Hey Bleek.
BLEEKER
Hey, cool tiger. Looks proud.
JUNO
Yeah, I swiped it from Ms. Rancick.
BLEEKER
Cool.
JUNO
Your shorts are looking especially
gold today.
BLEEKER
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
JUNO
Go Carole.
(a beat)
So, guess what?
BLEEKER
(shrugs)
I don't know...
JUNO
I'm pregnant.
Stunned silence. Juno pops up the footrest of the recliner
and leans back comfortably.
BLEEKER
I guess so.
(fidgeting)
What are you going to do?
The Dancing Elk Prep cross country team runs past Bleeker's
house in a thundering herd, wearing a motley assortment of
warm-ups. Their momentum stirs the crackling fall leaves.
They wave and holler at Bleeker and Juno.
JUNO (V.O.)
When I see them all running like
that, with their things bouncing
around in their shorts, I always
picture them naked, even if I don't
want to. I have intrusive thoughts
all the time.
EXT. BLEEKER HOUSE - CONTINUED
BLEEKER
I'm supposed to be running.
JUNO
I know.
There's an awkward silence.
BLEEKER
So, what do you think we should do?
JUNO
I thought I might, you know, nip it
in the bud before it gets worse.
Because I heard in health class that
pregnancy often results in an infant.
BLEEKER
Yeah, typically. That's what happens
when our moms and teachers get
pregnant.
JUNO
So that's cool with you, then?
BLEEKER
Yeah, wizard, I guess. I mean do
what you think is right.
JUNO
I'm real sorry I had sex with you. I
know it wasn't your idea.
BLEEKER
Whose idea was it?
JUNO
I'll see you at school, O.K.?
She mounts her bicycle and waves before riding off.
BLEEKER
(to nobody in
particular)
Whose idea was it?
EXT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - DAY
Juno pushes her crappy bike into the bike rack and winds a
lock around it. In the background, a group of 3 NERDS play a
live-action RPG.
NERD
You did not! You don't have the armor.
That Orc Armor you bought from the
wizard doesn't have the power level
to parry my hit!
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY
Juno tries to push through the masses, but the throng of
students is thick and unwielding.
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
Juno rummages through her locker, which is plastered with
photos of Leah and Bleeker, plus a giant poster of Iggy Pop
in his heyday.
She grabs a dilapidated physics textbook. A few pages slip
out. STEVE RENDAZO (the same asshole who harassed her as she
walked to the drugstore) passes by in the hallway.
STEVE RENDAZO
Hey, your book fell apart!
JUNO
Yeah.
STEVE RENDAZO
It must have looked at your face.
PWAH!
He high-fives his klatch of buddies and moves along.
JUNO (V.O.)
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo
secretly wants me. Jocks like him
always want freaky girls. Girls with
horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear
and Goth makeup. Girls who play the
cello and wear Converse All-Stars
and want to be children's librarians
when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks
eat that shit up.
We see Steve looking back at Juno for a brief second with
mixed feelings.
JUNO (V.O.)
They just won't admit it, because
they're supposed to be into perfect
cheerleaders like Leah. Who,
incidentally, is into teachers.
We see Leah at the far end of the hallway, talking animatedly
with a paunchy middle-aged teacher, KEITH.
LEAH
(from a distance)
Me too! I love Woody Allen!
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - SCIENCE LAB - DAY
STUDENTS bustle in, as the teacher, MR. TINKER tries to
maintain order. Juno heads toward her desk and sets down her
bag.
MR. TINKER
People! We're doing our photomagnetism
lab today, so find your partner and
break out into fours.
Juno looks up and meets eyes with her longtime lab partner:
Bleeker. Sound the gong of awkwardness!
Juno and Bleeker head separately over to an available lab
station and unpack their bags in silence.
JUNO
Well! Nothing like experimenting.
BLEEKER
I did the prep questions for this
lab last night. You can copy my
answers if you need to.
He slides a piece of graph paper in front of Juno without
looking at her.
JUNO
Oh, I couldn't copy your work.
BLEEKER
But you copy my work every week.
JUNO
Oh yeah. I'm kind of a deadbeat lab
partner, huh?
BLEEKER
I don't mind. You definitely bring
something to the table.
JUNO
Charisma?
BLEEKER
Or something.
The other two LAB PARTNERS, a humorless couple, join them at
the station.
JUNO
So, who's ready for some
photomagnificence?
GIRL LAB PARTNER
I have a menstrual migraine, and I
can't look at bright lights today.
GUY LAB PARTNER
Amanda, I told you to go to the
infirmary and lie down. You never
listen.
GIRL LAB PARTNER
No Josh, I don't take orders. Not
from you and not from any man.
GUY LAB PARTNER
You know, you've been acting like
this ever since I went up to see my
brother at Mankato. I told you,
nothing happened!
GIRL LAB PARTNER
Something happened. Because your
eyes? Are very cold? They're very
cold, Josh. They're cold, lying eyes.
GUY LAB PARTNER
What? My eyes are not lying!
GIRL LAB PARTNER
Yes they are, Josh. Since Mankato,
they have been lying eyes.
Juno and Bleeker observe the argument like tennis spectators,
fascinated by the dynamics of a real couple.
BLEEKER
Okay... I'm going to set up the
apparatus. Juno, want to get a C
clamp out of that drawer?
GIRL LAB PARTNER
I'm going to the infirmary.
GUY LAB PARTNER
Good. Call me when you're OFF the
rag.
GIRL LAB PARTNER
Fine. Call me when you learn how to
love just one person and not cheat
at your brother's college just because
you had four Smirnoff Ices and a
bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored
Boone's!
GUY LAB PARTNER
Good, I'll be sure to do that, Amanda.
I'll make a note of it.
He furiously scrawls a fake memo in his notebook.
JUNO
Snow Peak Peach is the best flavor
of Boone's. Right, Bleek?
Bleeker reddens and continues constructing the apparatus.
GIRL LAB PARTNER stalks off dramatically.
Bleeker shakes his head and rifles through his textbook.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - JUNO'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
Juno examines a large ad in the newspaper that depicts a
distraught TEEN GIRL clutching her head in a moment of staged
conflict. The ad reads: "Pregnant? Find the clinic that gives
women choice. Women's Choice Health Center."
Juno picks up her hamburger phone and dials. For a moment,
she attempts to copy the melodramatic pose from the ad,
checking herself out in the mirror.
JUNO
(talking along with
voice prompt)
"Para instruciones en Espanol, oprima
numero dos."
She presses a few buttons in succession.
JUNO
Yes, hello, I need to procure a hasty
abortion?... What was that? I'm sorry,
I'm on my hamburger phone and it's
kind of awkward to talk on. It's
really more of a novelty than a
functional appliance.
She SMACKS the phone a couple of times.
JUNO
Better? Okay, good. Yeah, as I said,
I need an abortion, two... sixteen...
Um, it was approximately two months
and four days ago that I had the
sex. That's a guestimate. Okay, next
Saturday? Great.
She hangs up the phone.
JUNO (V.O.)
I hate it when adults use the term
"sexually active."
INT. HEALTH CLASS - DAY (FLASHBACK)
A HEALTH TEACHER in slo-mo puts a condom on a banana.
JUNO (V.O.)
What does that even mean? Can I
deactivate someday, or is this a
permanent state of being? I guess
Bleeker went live that night we did
it. I guess he hadn't done it before,
and that's why he got that look on
his face.
INT. BLEEKER'S HOUSE - MOLD-O'-RIFIC BASEMENT - NIGHT
(FLASHBACK)
We see Paulie's face at the moment of his deflowering: he's
comically wide-eyed with shock.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Juno, her father MAC, her stepmother BREN, and LIBERTY BELL
sit at a very typical kitchen table, eating dinner. MAC
shovels food while chatting about his day.
MAC
You should have seen this octopus
furnace. I had to get out my Hazmat
suit just to get up in there...
JUNO (V.O.)
My dad used to be in the Army, but
now he's just your average HVAC
specialist. He and my mom got divorced
when I was five. She lives on a Havasu
reservation in Arizona...
PHOTO: ARIZONA TRAILER PARK
JUNO (V.O.)
...with her new husband and three
replacement kids. Oh, and she
inexplicably mails me a cactus every
Valentine's Day.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - JUNO'S BEDROOM - DAY
PILE OF NEGLECTED CACTI festering in a corner of Juno's room.
JUNO (V.O.)
And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote
Ugly. This cactus-gram stings even
worse than your abandonment."
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
BREN is cutting up LIBERTY'S food diligently. Her nails are
brilliant, holding the silverware.
JUNO (V.O.)
That's my stepmom, Bren...
INT. BREN'S WORKROOM - DAY
Bren stitches a needlepoint pillow of a dog.
JUNO (V.O.)
She's obsessed with dogs...
EXT. BREN'S TENS - DAY
Bren's nail salon in all its glory.
JUNO (V.O.)
...owns a nail salon called Bren's
Tens...
INT. BREN'S TENS - DAY
Bren chats up a customer as she applies a fresh coat.
JUNO (V.O.)
...and she always smells like
methylmethacrylate.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Liberty Bell coughs pitifully as Bren leans over her plate.
MAC
So Juno, how did your maneuver go
last night?
JUNO
Which maneuver, sir? The one in which
I moved an entire living room set
from one lawn to another, or the one
in which I cleared a sixty-four ounce
blue slushie in ten minutes?
Bren speaks in her strong city accent.
BREN
Juno? Did you happen to barf in my
urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by
the front door, the one I got up in
Stillwater? I found some weird blue
shit, I mean stuff, gunk, in there
this morning.
JUNO
I would never barf in your urn,
Brenda. Maybe L.B. did it.
We see Liberty Bell blithely pouring bacon bits onto her
dinner.
MAC
Liberty Bell, if I see one more Baco
on that potato, I'm gonna kick your
monkey ass.
EXT. WOMEN'S CHOICE CLINIC - DAY
Juno trudges toward the front entrance of the clinic. There
is a lone ABORTION PROTESTER, a teenager of Asian descent
holding a hugely oversized sign that reads "NO BABIES LIKE
MURDERING."
LONE PROTESTER
(chanting in extremely
shy, accented voice)
All babies want to get borned! All
babies want to get borned!
Juno recognizes the PROTESTER as a classmate of hers.
JUNO
Uh, hi Su-Chin.
SU-CHIN
Oh, hi Juno. How are you?
JUNO
Good. I'm good.
(pause)
Did you finish that paper for Worth's
class yet?
SU-CHIN
No, not yet. I tried to work on it a
little last night, but I'm having
trouble concentrating.
JUNO
You should try Adderall.
SU-CHIN
No thanks. I'm off pills.
JUNO
Wise move. I know this girl who had
a huge crazy freakout because she
took too many behavioral meds at
once. She took off her clothes and
jumped into the fountain at Ridgedale
Mall and she was like, "Blaaaaah!
I'm a kraken from the sea!"
SU-CHIN
I heard that was you.
JUNO
Well, it was nice seeing you.
She continues on toward the clinic entrance.
SU-CHIN
(calling out)
Juno! Your baby probably has a beating
heart, you know. It can feel pain.
And it has fingernails.
JUNO
Really? Fingernails?
She considers the concept, then pushes open the clinic door.
INT. WOMEN'S CHOICE CLINIC - RECEPTION - DAY
The receptionist sits behind a pane of bulletproof glass.
The waiting room is semi-crowded, occupied mostly by pregnant
women, teens and ill-behaved children.
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
Welcome to Women's Choice, where
women are trusted friends. Please
put your hands where I can see them
and surrender any bombs.
Juno flashes her best jazz hands.
JUNO
Hi. I'm here for the big show?
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
Your name, please?
JUNO
Juno MacGuff.
The receptionist raises a pierced eyebrow and arranges some
paperwork on a clipboard.
JUNO (V.O.)
She thinks I'm using a fake name.
Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.
The receptionist hands Juno the clipboard and a pen.
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
I need you to fill these out, both
sides. And don't skip the hairy
details. We need to know about every
score and every sore.
The receptionist reaches into one of those ubiquitous women's
clinic CONDOM JARS, and holds up a fistful of purple rubbers.
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
Would you like some free condoms?
They're boysenberry.
JUNO
No thank you. I'm off sex.
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
My partner uses these every time we
have intercourse. They make his balls
smell like pie.
JUNO
Congrats.
She takes a seat in the WAITING ROOM and rifles through a
pile of old magazines. The magazine selection is lots of
"mommy mags" and health related periodicals. She selects an
issue of Family Digest and gingerly flips through for a few
moments.
Then she looks over and notices the FINGERNAILS of a nearby
teen, who looks as nervous as she does. The girl bites her
thumbnail and spits it onto the floor.
Juno looks away, but immediately notices another waiting
woman, who absently scratches her arm with long fake nails.
Suddenly, she sees fingernails EVERYWHERE. The receptionist
clicks her nails on the front desk. Another woman blows on
her fresh manicure. Everyone seems to be fidgeting with their
fingers somehow. Juno suddenly looks terror-stricken...
CUT TO:
PUNK RECEPTIONIST
Excuse me, Miss MacGoof?
There's no answer. We see that Juno's chair is EMPTY.
The receptionist cranes her neck and sees the front door
drift shut. Juno's figure recedes into the distance as she
tears off down the street, running as fast as she can.
EXT. LEAH'S HOUSE - DAY
Leah's front door swings open to reveal a breathless Juno
standing sheepishly on the porch. Leah sighs.
LEAH
What are you doing here, dumbass? I
thought I was supposed to pick you
up at four.
JUNO
I couldn't do it, Leah! It smelled
like a dentist in there. They had
these really horrible magazines,
with, like, spritz cookie recipes
and bad fiction and water stains,
like someone read them in the tub.
And the receptionist tried to give
me these weird condoms that looked
like grape suckers, and she told me
about her boyfriend's pie balls, and
Su-Chin Kuah was there, and she told
me the baby had fingernails.
Fingernails!
LEAH
Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's
claws could scratch your vag on the
way out?
JUNO
I'm staying pregnant, Le.
LEAH
Keep your voice down dude, my mom's
around here somewhere. She doesn't
know we're sexually active.
JUNO
What does that even mean? Anyway, I
got to thinking on the way over. I
was thinking maybe I could give the
baby to somebody who actually likes
that kind of thing. You know, like a
woman with a bum ovary or something.
Or some nice lesbos.
LEAH
But then you'll get huge. Your chest
is going to milktate. And you have
to tell everyone you're pregnant.
JUNO
I know. Maybe they'll canonize me
for being so selfless.
LEAH
Maybe they'll totally shit and be
super mad at you and not let you
graduate or go to Cabo San Lucas for
spring break.
JUNO
Bleeker and I were going to go to
Gettysburg for spring break.
Leah sighs, as if there's no helping her nerdy friend.
LEAH
Well, maybe you could look at one of
those adoption ads. I see them all
the time in the Penny Saver.
JUNO
There are ads? For parents?
LEAH
Oh yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn."
They're right by the ads for like,
iguanas and terriers and used fitness
equipment. It's totally legit.
JUNO
Come on, Leah. I can't scope out
wannabe parents in the Penny Saver!
That's tacky. That's like buying
clothes at the Pump n' Munch.
EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY
Juno and Leah are sitting at a bench in a park. They slurp
giant blue slushies and sift through a pile of Penny Savers.
Juno has her pipe with her.
JUNO
The Penny Saver sucks.
LEAH
Yeah, but it sucks for free.
They turn the pages in silence for a moment. Their lips and
teeth are Windex-blue.
LEAH
Look at this one "Wholesome,
spiritually wealthy couple have found
true love with each other."
(checks to see that
Juno is paying
attention)
"All that's missing is your bastard."
JUNO
(reading a different
page)
There's a guy in here who's giving
away a piano. Free for the hauling!
We should put it in Bleeker's yard.
LEAH
You're not listening to me.
JUNO
No, I heard you. I just can't give
the baby to people who describe
themselves as "wholesome." I'm looking
for something a little edgier.
LEAH
What did you have in mind, a family
of disturbed loners who are into
gunplay and incest?
JUNO
I was thinking a graphic designer,
mid-thirties, and his cool Asian
wife who dresses awesome and plays
bass. But I'm trying to not be too
particular.
LEAH
All right, how about this one?
"Healthy, educated couple seeking
infant to join our family of five.
You will be compensated. Help us
complete the circle of love."
JUNO
Yeesh, they sound like a cult.
Besides, they're greedy bitches.
They already have three kids!
LEAH
Hey, Juno. Juno! Look at this one.
She points to the paper and motions for Juno to look. Juno
scans the ad silently.
We see the ad. It contains a photo of an attractive couple
with ambiguous Mona Lisa smiles. It reads "Educated,
successful couple wishes to..."
JUNO (V.O.)
They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,
and they were beautiful even in black
and white.
EXT. BLEEKER HOUSE - PAULIE'S WINDOW - NIGHT
We see Paulie's bedroom window -- festooned with childish
curtains -- and the light on inside.
INT. BLEEKER'S HOUSE - PAULIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Bleeker lies on his Car-bed in his track uniform, listening
to the same LP from when he and Juno went all the way.
He stares between the pages of his embossed Dancing Elk Prep
yearbook.
We see the object of his gaze is Juno's black and white
YEARBOOK PHOTO. Next to it, we see a sloppy, handwritten
message from Juno. We hear Juno's voice reading the message:
JUNO (V.O.)
Hey Bleeker! Spank off to this with
motion lotion. Just kidding (kind
of.) Your best friend, Juno.
Bleeker picks up the phone. It's the same HAMBURGER PHONE
Juno has. He reconsiders and puts it down.
There's a knock on the bedroom door.
BLEEKER'S MOM pokes her dowdy head inside.
BLEEKER'S MOM
Paul? Are you coming downstairs to
eat?
BLEEKER
I don't think so.
BLEEKER'S MOM
You ran eight miles today, Puppy.
BLEEKER
I'm not hungry, oddly.
BLEEKER'S MOM
But it's breakfast for supper. Your
favorite, Paulie. I made French toast
and sausage. Patties, not linkies,
just like you like it.
Bleeker places his hand silently on his stomach.
BLEEKER'S MOM
Juno MacGuff called while you were
out running. She wants to know if
you're coming to her little
coffeehouse performance on Saturday.
BLEEKER
Thanks for the message.
BLEEKER'S MOM
You know how I feel about her.
BLEEKER
You've mentioned it about fifty times.
BLEEKER'S MOM
I just hope you don't consider her a
close friend.
Bleeker's mom gives up and closes the door.
We see that Bleeker is clutching a pair of PANTIES in one
hand, which he slowly releases as the 45 ends.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
Bren and MAC are seated on the couch. Leah is standing nearby
for reinforcements. Juno paces nervously, trying to suss out
how to break the massive news.
JUNO
I have no idea how to spit this out.
BREN
Hon, did you get expelled?
JUNO
No. The school would probably contact
you in the event of my expulsion.
BREN
Well, I was just asking. It seemed
plausible.
MAC
Do you need a large sum of money?
Legal counsel?
JUNO
No, no, I'm definitely not asking
for anything. Except maybe mercy.
Like, it would be really great if
nobody hit me.
MAC
What have you done, Junebug? Did you
hit someone with the Previa?
LEAH
Best to just tell them, man. Rip off
the Band-Aid and let it bleed.
JUNO
I'm pregnant.
Bren and Mac are predictably speechless.
BREN
Oh, God...
JUNO
But I'm going to give it up for
adoption. I already found the perfect
people.
Leah presents the Penny Saver photos of the Lornings.
JUNO
They say they're going to pay my
medical expenses and everything. I
promise this will all be resolved in
thirty-odd weeks, and we can pretend
it never happened.
MAC
You're pregnant?
JUNO
I'm so sorry, you guys. If it's any
consolation, I have heartburn that's
like, radiating down to my kneecaps
and I haven't gone number two since
Wednesday. Morning!
BREN
(interrupting)
I didn't even know you were sexually
active!
Juno cringes upon hearing her most-hated term.
MAC
Who is the kid?
JUNO
The baby? I don't know anything about
it yet. I only know it's got
fingernails, allegedly.
BREN
Nails? Really?
MAC
No, I mean the father! Who's the
father, Juno?
JUNO
Oh. It's, well, it's Paulie Bleeker.
Bren and Mac burst into shocked laughter.
JUNO
What?
MAC
Paulie Bleeker? I didn't know he had
it in him!
BREN
(giggling)
He just doesn't look, well, virile.
LEAH
I know, right?
MAC
Okay, this is no laughing matter.
JUNO
(indignant)
No, it's not. Paulie is virile, by
the way. He was very good in... chair.
Leah fires a be quiet glance at Juno.
MAC
Did you say you were thinking about
adoption?
JUNO
Yeah, well, there's this couple who've
been trying to have a baby for five
years.
LEAH
We found them in the Penny Saver by
the exotic birds section.
Bren looks understandably alarmed. Juno hastily attempts to
make the situation sound more legitimate.
JUNO
But they have a real lawyer and
everything. I'm going to meet with
them next weekend.
BREN
Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing
to do. Probably tougher than you can
understand right now.
JUNO
Well, I'm not ready to be a mom.
MAC
Damn skippy, you're not! You don't
even remember to give Liberty Bell
her breathing meds.
JUNO
Once! And she didn't die, if you
recall!
BREN
Honey, had you considered, you know,
the alternative?
Leah and Juno exchange glances.
JUNO
No.
BREN
Well, you're a brave young lady.
You're made of stronger stuff than I
thought. You're a little Viking!
JUNO
Cool it.
BREN
First things first, we have to get
you healthy. You need prenatal
vitamins. Incidentally, they'll do
incredible things for your nails, so
that's a plus. Oh, and we need to
schedule a doctor's appointment.
Find out where you're going to
deliver.
JUNO
The term "deliver" is so weird. Can
we not say "deliver"?
LEAH
How does "crap it out" sound?
MAC
Juno, I want to come with you to
meet these adoption people. You're
just a kid. I don't want you to get
ripped off by a couple of babystarved
wingnuts.
JUNO
Sure, Dad.
Mac nods, satisfied, then contemplates the situation dismally.
MAC
I thought you were the kind of girl
who knew when to say when.
JUNO
I have no idea what kind of girl I
am.
BREN
(sensing tension)
Why don't you girls go upstairs for
a while? I think Mac's gonna blow.
Juno and Leah hightail it upstairs.
MAC
Just tell it to me straight, Bren.
Do you think this is my fault? Her
mother's fault?
BREN
I think kids get bored and have
intercourse. And I think Junebug was
a dummy about it. But we have to
move on from here and help her figure
it out.
MAC
I'm not ready to be a Pop-Pop.
BREN
You're not going to be a Pop-Pop.
And Juno's not going to be a ma.
Somebody else is going to find a
precious blessing from Jesus in this
garbage dump of a situation. I
friggin' hope.
MAC
(conspiratorially)
Did you see it coming when she sat
us down here?
BREN
Oh God yeah. But I was hoping she
was expelled or into hard drugs.
MAC
That was my first instinct too. Or
D.W.I. Anything but this. And I'm
going to punch that Bleeker kid in
the weiner the next time I see him.
BREN
Oh Mac, no! He's a sweet kid. You
know it wasn't his idea.
Mac shrugs in agreement.
INT. LORING HOUSE - DAY
Music plays as we see SPARSE IMAGES OF VANESSA LORING'S HANDS
preparing the house for Juno's arrival --
Sprucing a vase of FLOWERS.
Straightening a FRAMED PHOTO of the Lorings.
Dusting off a table with one of those WETNAPS for furniture.
Lining up a shelf of BOOKS.
EXT. LORING NEIGHBORHOOD - PREVIA - DAY
The Previa cruises slowly into the Loring's fancy gated
community. Mac pulls over and parks on the curb.
EXT. LORING HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - DAY
Mark and Vanessa Loring have an impressive, though generic
McMansion. The entire yard is unlandscaped soil. Mac presses
the doorbell while Juno chews her nails uncomfortably. Both
look mortified as they wait for someone to greet them.
VANESSA opens the door. She's a pretty, meticulous woman in
her early thirties. Very Banana Republic.
VANESSA
Hi! I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno
and Mr. MacGuff. I'm Vanessa.
JUNO
Vanessa, right?
MAC
Hello. Thank you for having me and
my irresponsible child over to your
home.
VANESSA
Oh no. Thank you. Come on in.
INT. LORING HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Vanessa awkwardly leads them into her home.
VANESSA
Can I take your coats?
JUNO
Sure.
She takes off her hooded sweatshirt and thrusts it into
Vanessa's arms who sets it on a bench.
JUNO
Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by
the way. Super classy. Not like those
other people with the fake woods in
the background. Like I'm really going
to fall for that, you know?
VANESSA
You found us in the Penny Saver?
MARK LORING appears next to Vanessa. He's a boyishly
attractive guy in his mid-thirties.
He glances sheepishly at Vanessa upon hearing the Penny Saver
mention, then extends his hand to Mac and Juno.
MARK
Hi. I'm Mark Loring. I'm the husband.
INT. LORING HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mark and Vanessa usher Juno and Mac into the austere, spacious
living room. A woman in a business suit sits on the couch
with a briefcase in her lap.
MARK
This is our attorney, Gerta Rauss.
JUNO
(in exaggerated,
growling German accent)
Geeeerta Rauuuss!
GERTA
(straight)
Nice to meet you.
Mac seizes Mark's hand and pumps it heartily.
MAC
I'm Mac MacGuff, and this, of course,
is my daughter Juno.
MARK
Like the city in Alaska?
JUNO
No.
MARK
Cool. Well, let's sit down and get
to know each other a bit.
VANESSA
I'll get drinks. What would everyone
like? I've got Pellegrino, Vitamin
Water...
JUNO
A Maker's Mark, please. Up.
MAC
She's joking. Junebug has a wonderful
sense of humor, which is just one of
her many genetic gifts.
JUNO
I also have good teeth. No cavities.
We finally got fluoridated water in
Dancing Elk.
She bares them frighteningly to demonstrate.
Vanessa stares, unflappable.
MAC
We're fine, thank you.
Mac and Juno join Mark and Gerta Rauss on the couch.
GERTA
So, Juno. First off, how far along
are you?
JUNO
I'm a junior.
GERTA
No, I mean in your pregnancy.
JUNO
Oh. Uh, my stepmom took me to the
doctor yesterday and they said I was
twelve weeks.
Vanessa enters with the refreshments on a tray.
VANESSA
Oh, that's marvelous. So you're almost
into your second trimester, then?
JUNO
Yeah, apparently. I'm having it on
May 4.
VANESSA
The tough part's almost over for
you. I mean, my girlfriends always
tell me the first couple months are
the hardest.
JUNO
Yeah, but I hardly noticed it. I'm
more worried about the part where I
have to start wearing jeans with an
elastic panel in the front.
VANESSA
I think pregnancy is beautiful.
JUNO
Well, you're lucky it's not you.
Vanessa's looks to the ceiling.
MARK
(clearing throat)
So, let's discuss how we're gonna do
this... thing.
JUNO
Well, I just have the baby and give
it to you, right?
GERTA
Mark and Vanessa are willing to
negotiate an open adoption.
MAC
(protective)
Wait. What does that mean?
GERTA
It means they'd send annual updates,
photos, let Juno know how the baby
is doing as he or she grows up. Of
course, Juno's legal rights would be
terminated...
JUNO
Whoah. I don't want to see pictures.
I don't need to be notified of
anything. Can't we just kick it old
school? I could just put the baby in
a basket and send it your way. You
know, like Moses in the reeds.
MARK
Technically, that would be kickin'
it Old Testament.
Mark and Juno lock eyes.
JUNO
Yeah. Yeah! The way people used to
do it. Quick and dirty, like ripping
off a Band-Aid.
GERTA
Well, then we agree a traditional
closed adoption would be best for
all involved, then?
JUNO
Shit, yeah. Close it up.
Vanessa is clearly ecstatic.
MARK
Obviously, we'll compensate you for
your medical expenses.
VANESSA
Are you looking for any other
compensation?
MAC
Excuse me?
JUNO
Well, no... I'm not going to sell
the baby. I just want it to grow up
with people who are ready to love it
and be parents. I'm in high school,
dude. I'm ill-equipped.
VANESSA
You're doing an amazing and selfless
thing for us.
MARK
Vanessa has wanted a baby since we
got married.
VANESSA
I want to be a mommy so badly!
Juno and Mac stare at her.
MAC
You don't say.
VANESSA
Well, haven't you ever felt like you
were born to do something?
MAC
Yes. Heating and air conditioning.
VANESSA
Well, I was born to be a mother.
Some of us are.
JUNO
Mark, are you looking forward to
being a dad?
Mark is caught off guard.
MARK
Sure, why not? I mean, every guy
wants to be a father. Coach soccer,
help with science projects and... I
don't know. Fatherly stuff.
Mac casts a subtle, dubious glance at Mark.
VANESSA
Well, shall we start looking over
the paperwork? Gerta has already
drafted some preliminary documents.
JUNO
Can I use the facilities first? Being
pregnant makes you pee like
Seabiscuit.
VANESSA
Sure. The powder room down here is
being re-tiled, but you can use the
master bath upstairs. Go up, then
turn left and on your right...
JUNO
Room with a toilet, got it.
INT. LORING HOUSE - ENTRY/STAIRS - DAY
Juno heads into the foyer and up the stairs. We see a posed
photo of Mark and Vanessa in the stairwell. Their house is
beautiful, but frigid. Juno rubs her arms, shivering.
INT. LORING HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
The Loring's bathroom is huge. Juno flushes and goes to the
double sink to wash her hands. She opens the overhead cabinet
and sees Vanessa's toiletries. She spritzes on some perfume
and examines the more expensive grooming items. There's a
crinkled tube of LUBE in the cabinet. Juno picks it up,
fascinated. She rubs a drop of it between her hands and runs
it through her hair like pomade.
INT. LORING HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY
Juno opens the bathroom door and instantly BUMPS into Mark.
JUNO
Whoops! Yikes, I didn't expect to
see you up here.
MARK
Sorry. I was just getting something.
JUNO
Did your wife send you up here to
spy on me?
MARK
What? No! Do we come off like paranoid
yuppies or something?
JUNO
Well, you don't just invite a random
pregnant teenager into your house
and leave her unsupervised. I could
be a total klepto, for all you know.
MARK
I don't get a klepto vibe from you.
Evil genius? Maybe. Arsonist? Wouldn't
rule it out.
JUNO
I did steal a squirt of perfume.
What do you think? It's Clinique
Happy.
She holds her WRIST up to Mark's twitching nostrils.
JUNO
Smell those sparkling topnotes!
Mark inhales.
MARK
Am I supposed to feel happy now?
JUNO
You should be happy, Holmes. I'm
giving you and Vanessa the gift of
life. Sweet, screaming, pooping life!
And you don't even have to be there
when the baby comes out of me all
covered in...
MARK
Viscera?
JUNO
Blood and guts.
MARK
We'd better get back downstairs ASAP.
Juno mocks his use of "ASAP" silently.
JUNO
(halting)
Wait a minute. Is that a Les Paul?
Juno is staring into a room with the door slightly ajar. We
see GUITARS mounted on the wall, and the edges of posters.
MARK
Oh. That's, uh, my room. Vanessa
lets me have a room for all my old
stuff.
JUNO
Wow, you get a whole room in your
own house? She's got you on a long
leash there, Mark.
MARK
Shut up.
INT. LORING HOUSE - MARK'S "SPECIAL" ROOM - DAY
The walls are plastered with FRAMED POSTERS of early-90s alt
rock bands. (Mudhoney, Jane's Addiction etc.) Mark removes
his LES PAUL from its moorings and hands it to Juno.
JUNO
It's beautiful. I've always liked
Gibson better than Fender.
MARK
What do you play?
JUNO
I rock a Harmony.
MARK
(holding back a chuckle)
Oh.
JUNO
What? I'm a pawn shop rocker.
MARK
Sorry. I swear I'm not a gear snob.
Juno turns the guitar over, examining it closely.
JUNO
What is that, Mahogany? What happens
if you crack the neck?
MARK
Tell me about it. I used to play in
a really tight band back when I lived
in Chicago, and one night we opened
for the Melvins... do you know who
the Melvins are?
JUNO
(lying)
Yeah.
MARK
Well, we were playing with them and
I busted this guitar onstage. It
cost me $800 and a dime bag just to
have it fixed.
JUNO
When was this, like '96?
MARK
'93. I'm telling you that was the
best time for rock and roll.
JUNO
Nuh-uh, 1977! Punk Volume 1. You
weren't there, so you can't understand
the magic.
MARK
You weren't even alive!
INT. LORING HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Vanessa, Mac and Gerta Rauss are waiting in awkward silence
for Juno and Mark to return. Mac notices a brand new PILATES
MACHINE sitting in its packaging in a corner of the room.
MAC
So. What's that thing?
VANESSA
A Pilates machine?
MAC
What do you make with that?
VANESSA
You don't make anything. It's for
exercising.
INT. LORING HOUSE - MARK'S SPECIAL ROOM - SAME
Mark and Juno tool around on the guitars unplugged. They
play little riffs. He teaches her a couple chords.
INT. LORING HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
MAC
My wife just ordered one of those
Tony Little Gazelles off the TV, you
know, from the guy with the ponytail?
Vanessa and Gerta have no response.
MAC
That guy just doesn't look right to
me.
Suddenly, a shriek of AMP FEEDBACK, followed by loud,
discordant GUITAR STRUMMING can be heard drifting down from
upstairs. Vanessa's looks to the ceiling.
VANESSA
(to her guests)
Will you excuse me?
INT. LORING HOUSE - MARK'S SPECIAL ROOM - DAY
Mark has strapped on the Les Paul and is playing and singing.
"Doll Parts" by Hole.
JUNO AND MARK
(quietly singing
together)
"Yeah, they really want you... they
really want you... they really do."
Building together.
JUNO AND MARK
(singing together and
connecting)
Yeah, they really want you... they
really want you... and I do to.
(both blush)
VANESSA appears in the doorway. Juno immediately puts down
the guitar. Mark doesn't notice her immediately.
MARK
(passionate singing)
I WANT TO BE THE...
(notices Vanessa)
Oh, sorry honey...
Mark clumsily puts down the guitar and stands up.
VANESSA
You guys are playing music?
MARK
Juno just wanted a closer look at
Kimber here.
JUNO
Your guitar is named Kimber?
MARK
Yeah.
JUNO
That's all right. My axe is named
Roosevelt. After Franklin, not Ted.
Franklin was the hot one with the
polio.
VANESSA
I think Gerta is waiting for us
downstairs with some important stuff
for us to go over.
Mark hangs the guitars back on the wall. He and Juno exit
the room, chastised. Vanessa looks to Mark in question.
VANESSA
Didn't mean to interrupt the jam
sessions.
INT. LORING HOUSE - ENTRY - DAY
Juno and Mac have put their coats on and are in the process
of leaving. Gerta hands Juno the DOCUMENTS. Vanessa and Mark
trail behind.
GERTA
So, look those over and give me a
call at my office if you have any
questions.
VANESSA
Juno, we'd really appreciate it if
you could keep us updated on any
doctor's appointments, ultrasounds,
other things of that nature.
JUNO
Oh. Sure. Of course you'd want to
know how your kid is cooking.
VANESSA
So, then, you really think you're
going to go ahead with this?
Mac STARES at Juno gravely.
JUNO
Yeah. For sure. I like you guys.
Juno looks at Mark.
VANESSA
How sure? Percentage-wise, would you
say you're 80% sure, 90% sure?
Mark seems visibly embarrassed by Vanessa's manic demeanor.
JUNO
I'm going to say I'm 104% sure.
VANESSA
Oh really?
JUNO
Look, if I could give it to you now,
I would. But it probably looks like
a Sea Monkey at this point, so I
think we should leave it in there
for a while until it gets cuter, you
know?
MAC
I think that's a great idea.
MARK
That's great, right? Stellar news.
Well, you guys drive safe, and we'll
hear from you soon, all right?
MAC
All right, take care of yourselves.
Juno and Mac exit. Mark shuts the door. All is silent in the
foyer. Mark, Vanessa and Gerta stand motionless. Gerta pumps
her fist triumphantly, trying to create a mood of celebration.
GERTA
(overly aggressive)
All RIGHT!
Vanessa buries her head in her hands and weeps hoarsely.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREETS - MORNING
It is now WINTER. The TRACK TEAM jogs in formation, leaving
tracks in the snow. Those bastards never stop running.
EXT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - TRACK - DAY
Bleeker is running alone on the track. His exhalations are
icy puffs in the air. Bleeker's friend VIJAY jogs up alongside
him. Vijay is a solemn, skinny boy, much like Bleeker.
VIJAY
Hey man.
BLEEKER
Oh, hey Vijay.
VIJAY
Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?
BLEEKER
Yup.
VIJAY
Just like our moms and teachers!
BLEEKER
Yup.
VIJAY
Did you hear it's yours?
BLEEKER
Yup.
VIJAY
What a trip, man.
BLEEKER
I don't really know anything about
it.
VIJAY
You should grow a moustache. You're
a real man now.
BLEEKER
I can't grow a moustache. It never
comes in evenly.
VIJAY
Me neither. But I'm going to stop
wearing underpants in order to raise
my sperm count. See you.
VIJAY jogs off. Bleeker STOPS and wipes away his sweat.
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - HEAD OFFICE - DAY
We're looking over Juno's now FIVE MONTH PREGNANT BELLY to a
school administrator filling out a slip.
Juno takes the slip, turns around and smiles all the way
out.
INT. DANCING ELK SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY
Juno exits the head office and bumps into Bleeker.
BLEEKER
Hey Juno... A couple of us are going
to the cineplex after school to donut
that movie with the guy with eighteen
kids.
JUNO
Sorry, Bleek... Going for my
ultrasound. Gotta note and everything.
BLEEKER
Okay, cool.
JUNO
I'll try to drop by later.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
SPLOOGE! We see ultrasound goo being squirted onto Juno's
exposed pregnant belly. An ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN is using a
Doppler device to view the contents of her burgeoning bump.
Bren and Leah ooh and ahh at the resulting image.
The tech takes measurements and types them into her database.
ULTRASOUND TECH
That's the feet...
ALL THREE
Oooh...
ULTRASOUND TECH
And there's a hand...
The monitor reveals the baby's head.
ALL THREE
(various)
Check that out... No way...
BREN
(dreamily)
Would you look at that?
LEAH
Check out Baby Big-Head. That kid is
scary!
JUNO
Hey, I'm a sacred vessel. All you've
got in your belly is Taco Bell!
LEAH
Touche.
JUNO
(gazing at the monitor)
It is really weird looking. It's
like it's not even real. I can't
believe there are saps who actually
cry at these things.
Juno and Leah look at BREN, who is dabbing her eyes
discreetly.
BREN
What? I'm not made of stone.
ULTRASOUND TECH
Well, there we have it. Would you
like to know the sex?
LEAH
Aw, please Junebug?
JUNO
No way. No, I definitely don't want
to know.
ULTRASOUND TECH
Planning to be surprised when you
deliver?
JUNO
I want Mark and Vanessa to be
surprised, and if I know, I won't be
able to keep myself from telling
them and ruining the whole thing.
ULTRASOUND TECH
(condescending)
Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at
school?
JUNO
No, they're the people who are
adopting the baby.
ULTRASOUND TECH
Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.
BREN
Wait, what's that supposed to mean?
ULTRASOUND TECH
I just see a lot of teenage mothers
come through here. It's obviously a
poisonous environment for a baby to
be raised in.
Juno, Leah and Bren become immediately defensive.
JUNO
How do you know I'm so poisonous?
Like, what if the adoptive parents
turn out to be evil molesters?
LEAH
Or stage parents!
BREN
They could be utterly negligent.
Maybe they'll do a far shittier job
of raising a kid than my dumbass
stepdaughter ever would. Have you
considered that?
ULTRASOUND TECH
No... I guess not.
BREN
What is your job title, exactly?
ULTRASOUND TECH
Excuse me?
BREN
I said, what-is-your-job-title, Missy?
ULTRASOUND TECH
I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
BREN
Well I'm a nail technician, and I
think we both ought to stick to what
we know.
ULTRASOUND TECH
What are you talking about?
BREN
You think you're special because you
get to play Picture Pages up there?
Bren gestures to the ULTRASOUND MONITOR.
BREN
My five year-old daughter could do
that, and let me tell you, she is
not the brightest bulb in the tanning
bed. So why don't you go back to
night school in Manteno and learn a
real trade!
The ULTRASOUND TECH exits in a huff.
JUNO
Bren, you're a dick! I love it.
INT. JUNO'S BEDROOM - DAY
Juno lays in bed checking out the ULTRASOUND PRINT OUT.
EXT. LORING NEIGHBORHOOD - PREVIA - AFTERNOON
The Previa drives into the front gate of Mark and Vanessa's
exclusive community. A sign on the gate reads "Glacial
Valley."
EXT. LORING HOUSE - ENTRY - AFTERNOON
Juno rings the doorbell, shifting her weight in the cold.
MARK answers the door, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans.
MARK
Juno? Wow, I didn't expect to see
you here.
JUNO
I've got something really cool to
show you guys. Is Vanessa here?
MARK
No, she's working late tonight. She's
trying to accrue some extra time off
for when, you know...
He gestures awkwardly to Juno's belly.
JUNO
Right. I hear they can be kind of a
time-suck.
MARK
Come on in. You wanna Ginseng Cooler?
JUNO
Sure. What is it with you rich people
and your herb-infused juices?
MARK
I don't know. Something to do with
the four-packs...
(adding)
...They're not bad.
INT. LORING HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Mark leads Juno into the kitchen, where he pours two drinks.
The STEREO blares in the background.
JUNO
Why aren't you at work?
MARK
I mostly work from home. I'm a
composer.
JUNO
No shit. Like Johannes Brahms?
MARK
No, more commercial stuff.
JUNO
Like what?
MARK
Commercials.
JUNO
Oh.
MARK
Have you seen those ads for Titanium
Power men's deodorant?
JUNO
(singing)
Titanium Power! Get more snatch by
the batch!
MARK
I wrote that.
JUNO
You're kind of a sellout, aren't
you? What would the Melvins say?
MARK
They'd say you came a long way out
here not knowing if anyone would be
home.
She holds up a manila envelope.
JUNO
Come on, you're going to want to sit
down for this.
INT. LORING HOUSE - DEN - AFTERNOON
As they move into the living room, Juno sits down and motions
for Mark to join her on the couch.
JUNO
Park it, dude.
Mark sits down. With great fanfare, Juno retrieves a dark,
glossy sheet from the envelope. It's her ULTRASOUND.
JUNO
Behold, good sir! The very first
photo of your future child.
MARK
You're kidding!
Mark EXAMINES the ultrasound, baffled.
JUNO
I think it kind of looks like my
friend, Paulie.
MARK
(joking)
Oh, is he bald and amorphous?
JUNO
No, he's the dad.
Mark looks jolted, as if it's the first time he considered
that her baby might have a father. He stands up and holds
the photo up to the light critically.
MARK
Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?
JUNO
The doctor can tell, but I decided
not to know. I want it to be a big
surprise.
MARK
Well, it can really only go two ways.
JUNO
That's what you think. I drink tons
of booze so you might get one of
those scary neuter-babies that's
born without junk.
MARK
Junk?
JUNO
You know... it's parts...
MARK
I know what junk is.
JUNO
(teasing)
Yeah?
MARK
We definitely want it to have junk.
JUNO
Well don't worry about it. My stepmom
is forcing me to eat really healthy.
She won't even let me stand in front
of the microwave or eat red M&Ms.
Hope you're ready.
Mark chuckles.
MARK
Wait...do you hear that?
A new SONG has begun. Mark closes his eyes in ecstasy and
walks toward the stereo. Juno follows him toward the source
of the music, looking perplexed by how happy he is.
JUNO
What is it?
MARK
It's only my favorite song. It's
Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the
Carpenters.
JUNO
(excited)
I've heard the Carpenters before.
Chick drummer and freaky dude. Not
unlike the White Stripes.
MARK
You haven't heard the Carpenters
like this. Listen.
Mark grabs the STEREO REMOTE off the kitchen counter and
turns up the volume to a roar. Mark and Juno stand in silence
in the kitchen. Mark mouths along with the lyrics.
MARK
(lipsynching)
Don't you remember you told me you
loved me, baby...
JUNO
Hey, I like this.
MARK
This album is all Carpenters covers
by alt-rock bands. It's called If I
Were a Carpenter. It is God. I'll
rip a copy for you before you leave.
JUNO
You don't have to do that.
MARK
It's the least I can do. What did
you say your favorite band was?
JUNO
I didn't. But it's a three-way tie
between the Stooges, Patti Smith and
the Runaways.
MARK
Yeah, I definitely need to make you
some CDs. At least while my kid is
hanging out in there.
He gestures at Juno's burgeoning paunch.
Mark walks over to his music collections and starts pulling
CD's. He's got a Carpenter's disc, the "No Alternative"
charity compilation, and Mother Love Bone.
Juno spots a VHS TAPE on the coffee table and picks it up.
JUNO
(reading title)
The Wizard of Gore?
MARK
(distracted)
Oh yeah. It's Herschel Gordon Lewis.
He's the ultimate master of horror.
JUNO
Please. Dario Argento is the ultimate
master of horror.
Mark SWIVELS AROUND slowly on his desk chair, surprised.
MARK
Argento's good, but Lewis is
completely demented. We're talking
buckets of goo. Red corn syrup
everywhere. And fake brains up the
yin-yang.
JUNO
(examining the tape
box)
Frankly, this looks kind of stupid.
Mark gives a look - "Oh, Really?"
INT. LORING HOUSE - DEN - AFTERNOON
We see some particularly memorable footage from The Wizard
of Gore.
Mark and Juno are watching the movie and drinking root beer
floats. They're sitting dangerously close on the sofa.
JUNO
(watching movie)
This is even better than Suspiria.
You've got decent taste in slasher
movies, Mark.
MARK
Here's to dovetailing interests.
He raises his mug in a toast and Juno clinks it awkwardly.
JUNO
So, have you and Vanessa thought of
a name for the baby yet?
MARK
Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison
for a girl.
JUNO
(aghast)
Madison? Isn't that kind of... I
don't know, gay?
MARK
God, pretentious much? I guess
everyone should have a mysterious
name like Juno, huh?
JUNO
My dad went through this phase where
he was obsessed with Greek and Roman
mythology. He named me after Zeus's
wife. I mean, Zeus had other lays,
but I'm pretty sure Juno was his
only wife. She was supposed to be
really beautiful but really mean.
Like Diana Ross.
MARK
That suits you.
JUNO
Uh, thanks.
MARK
You know, not many teenage girls in
your situation would actually go
through with this.
JUNO
I weighed my options. But after all
this, I'm glad I didn't, you know,
get rid of it. I want to have it.
For you guys.
MARK
You're something else.
A door suddenly slams upstairs. Vanessa's home.
MARK
Vanessa. Shit, you better get out of
here.
JUNO
Why? What the big deal?
MARK
Nothing. She just hates when I sit
around watching movies and 'not
contributing.'
JUNO
I'll handle this. I'm really good at
diffusing mom-type rage.
Juno jumps up and rushes out.
MARK
Wait... aww, crap!
INT. LORING HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Vanessa slides her BRIEFCASE off her shoulder and ventures
into the living room. She's struggling to carry some oversized
shopping bags.
VANESSA
Mark? Are you home? I want to show
you some things I picked up.
Juno intercepts her breathlessly, clutching the ULTRASOUND
photo. Mark trails behind her.
JUNO
Hi Vanessa!
Vanessa JUMPS and makes a strangled sound.
VANESSA
Juno! God, you startled me. What are
you doing here? What's wrong?
JUNO
Nothing...
VANESSA
Then what's going on?
JUNO
I went to the doctor today.
Vanessa is obviously entertaining some worse-case scenarios.
Her eyes are wide and she's uncharacteristically ruffled.
VANESSA
Is the baby okay?
JUNO
Sure. It's the right size and
everything. I even saw its phalanges
today! Check this...
She holds the ULTRASOUND up to show Vanessa and drapes her
arm around her.
VANESSA
What...
JUNO
This is the baby. Your baby.
Vanessa drops the shopping bags, sick with relief.
VANESSA
Oh my God...
JUNO
(kindly)
Doesn't it look like it's waving?
It's kind of like it's saying "Hi,
Vanessa. Will you be my mommy?"
VANESSA
Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.
MARK
Juno was nice enough to bring this
by for us.
JUNO
I came over as soon as I got that
cold ultrasound goo off my pelvis.
My stepmom verbally abused the
ultrasound tech so we were escorted
off the premises.
VANESSA
(distracted)
Oh, that's great!
She can't divert her gaze from the photo.
JUNO
See? Nothing to worry about.
Vanessa chuckles tightly, clearly embarrassed by her show of
emotion.
INT. LORING HOUSE - ENTRY WAY - DAY
Vanessa and Mark walk Juno out. Juno peers at some shopping
bags from various kids stores.
JUNO
Hey, what kind of swag did you score?
MARK
Yeah. Mall madness, huh?
VANESSA
Oh it's just some stuff I picked up.
For, you know, the baby. Babies need
a lot of things. I want everything
to be just right.
JUNO
I thought people got all that stuff
at baby showers. When my stepmom had
my sister I remember she got about a
million presents. They were all lame
though, so I wasn't jealous.
MARK
I doubt anyone's throwing us a shower.
JUNO
Why?
VANESSA
Um, I think people are kind of unsure
about the situation because it's
not, you know, set in stone.
JUNO
What do you mean? You mean...
(aghast)
Do you think I'm going to flake out
on you?
VANESSA
No, no, I don't think that, Juno.
It's just that, we went through a
situation before where it didn't
work out.
Juno glances at Mark and again at Vanessa. Vanessa looks
embarrassed.
MARK
Cold feet.
JUNO
You should have gone to China. I
heard they give away babies like
free iPods. They shoot 'em out of
those T-shirt guns at sports events.
VANESSA
(abruptly)
Right. Well, Juno, your parents must
be wondering where you are. You might
want to head home.
JUNO
Naah. I'm already pregnant, so they
figure nothing worse could happen to
me. I gotta bounce anyway. It was
nice seeing you guys again.
She waves and heads for the door.
MARK
(to Juno)
Hey, don't forget your bag.
Vanessa looks pain-stricken as Mark helps Juno with her bag.
EXT. MACGUFF HOUSE - NIGHT
Juno kicks the snow off her shoes before she enters.
INT. MACGUFF HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Bren sits at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and an
issue of Dog Fancy.
Juno enters nonchalantly, drinking a giant slushie.
BREN
Where the hell have you been, Junebug?
JUNO
I drove to St. Cloud to show Mark
and Vanessa the ultrasound. And I
wound up staying for a couple of
hours.
BREN
A couple of hours? Why are you going
up there in the first place?
JUNO
They said they wanted to know about
this stuff. They said to keep them
updated, so I did!
BREN
You could have sent it to them. Why
would you drive an hour out to East
Jesus, Nowhere?
JUNO
I don't know, I just did. And while
we were waiting for Vanessa, Mark
and I watched The Wizard of Gore and
he burned me some CDs of weird music.
He's kind of cool.
A beat as Bren absorbs this.
BREN
That was a mistake, Juno. Mark is a
married stranger. You overstepped a
boundary.
JUNO
Listen, Bren-duhhh, I think you're
the one overstepping boundaries.
You're acting like you're the one
who has to go through this and get
huge and push a baby out of your vag
for someone else. Besides, who cares
if he's married? I can have friends
who are married.
BREN
It doesn't work that way, kiddo. You
don't know squat about the dynamics
of marriage.
JUNO
You don't know anything about me!
BREN
I know enough.
Bren rises to leave, clutching the Dog Fancy magazine.
JUNO
(gesturing to the
magazine)
We don't even have a dog!
BREN
Yeah, because you're allergic to
their saliva. I've made a lot of
sacrifices for you, Juno. And in a
couple years you're going to move
out -- and I'm getting Weimaraners.
JUNO
Wow, dream big!
BREN
Oh, go fly a kite.
Bren STORMS out. Juno heads to the URN by the door and
defiantly pours the remains of her blue slushie into it.
EXT. BLEEKER HOUSE - NIGHT
Juno parks her PREVIA on the street. She walks up to the
house and rings the doorbell.
BLEEKER'S MOM answers, visibly annoyed. Her eyes drift down
to Juno's middle.
JUNO (V.O.)
Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive
once. But now she looks a hobbit.
The fat one that was in The Goonies.
BLEEKER'S MOM
Hi Juno. What can I do for you?
JUNO
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