"KRAMER VS. KRAMER"
by
Robert Benton
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE ADVERTISING AGENCY MIDTOWN EVENING
WIDE SHOT
A large and very comfortable office over-looking St. Patrick's
Cathedral. At the moment the office is filled to bursting
with men and women, slumped in chairs, sitting on desks, all
of them very tense. Among the crowd of people we note: MURRAY
FISHER, a young and very ambitious junior executive and
PHYLLIS BERNARD, an attractive woman in her early thirties.
She is a lawyer with the agency.
At the moment, TED KRAMER, nice-looking without being what
you would call a matinee idol, paces back and forth. His tie
is loosened, he checks his watch every fifteen seconds.
Clearly he is very distraught.
TED
(predicting the worst)
They're not gonna call... I tell you
they're not gonna call. I blew it. I
don't know what I did wrong, but I
REVERSE ON JIM O'CONNOR
Ted's boss and good friend. He is in his middle fifties,
nattily dressed with the slightly bleary look of a heavy
drinker. He sits back in his chair with his feet propped on
the desk and a drink in one hand.
O'CONNOR
(not unfriendly)
Ted, will you take it easy? Revlon's
not about to drop an account that
represents more than two million in
gross billing receipts in a small
agency like this, without making us
sweat. Now just relax, okay?
Everything's gonna be fine.
TED
(at this stage, nothing
will help)
I don't think so, Jim. Maybe I
shouldn't have
Sound-effect: The phone rings. Everyone freezes. As O'Connor
reaches for the phone,
CUT TO:
INT. CHILD'S ROOM, KRAMER APT. EVENING
The room is dark, the only light coming from a small night
light.
We SEE a beautiful five year old boy (BILLY KRAMER). He lies
in bed, half asleep. HOLD FOR A BEAT as a beautiful woman
(JOANNA KRAMER) leans over, kisses the child and hugs him
tightly to her.
JOANNA
(intense)
I love you, Billy...
BILLY
(drowsy)
I love you too, mommy... Good-night...
ON JOANNA
She gets up from the bed and starts toward the door of the
child's room.
JOANNA
Sleep tight...
BILLY
Don't let the bedbugs bite...
Joanna stops in the doorway, silhouetted against the light.
She turns, takes a last look at her son, then steps outside.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY EVENING
ON JOANNA
Now that the light is brighter, we can SEE her more clearly.
In her mid-thirties, she is beautiful, dressed in a style
that can best be described as Bloomingdale's. HOLD FOR A
BEAT as she leans against the door. It is clear from her
expression that she is terribly upset. Then, making up her
mind, she crosses to a closet and takes out a suitcase.
THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HER as she carries it into the bedroom,
lays it out on the bed and opens it.
PAN WITH HER as she crosses to a closet, grabs an armload of
clothes and dumps them helter-skelter into the suitcase.
CUT TO:
INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE EVENING
It is a few minutes later, the news has obviously been good
because there is a general celebration in progress.
Jim O'Connor, now standing, raises one hand for silence,
then making a toast.
O'CONNOR
Here's to Ted Kramer.
Cheers and good-natured jokes.
O'CONNOR
(putting an arm around
Ted squeezing him
tight)
I wanna tell you something about
this little runt. He went out there
and sold the shit out of Revlon and
that's why we got the account. It
was his idea, it was his concept,
right down the line...
More hoots and cheers. People start to yell "Speech."
TED
(embarrassed, but
cannot stop grinning)
All I can say... All I can say is
this is maybe one of the five best
days of my whole life...
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM KRAMER APT. EVENING
Joanna stands at the medicine cabinet, going through it,
packing things in a travel kit: rollers, deodorant, makeup,
birth control pills. She starts to take a small bottle of
perfume that has only an eighth of an inch of fluid left
inside, hesitates, then puts it back.
CUT TO:
INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE EVENING
Now some time has passed, most of the crowd has gone and
only the regulars are left.
TED
(in the middle of a
story)
So anyway Jim and I are making the
pitch, right? And all of a sudden
this old guy starts to cough and I
keep on going and he keeps on coughing
and I keep on going and he keeps on
coughing and
Murray Fisher leans over, shakes Ted's hand.
MURRAY
(interrupting)
Congratulations, Ted. That was a
hell of a job.
TED
(surprised)
Where you goin' Murray, it's early?
MURRAY
Got to get home.
TED
(glancing at his watch)
Oh, Christ, I'm late... I gotta get
out of here.
(however, instead of
going, he settles
back and resumes his
story)
So anyway, I look over and this old
geezer is starting to turn blue and
I swear to God the only thing I can
think about is that this poor
sonofabitch is gonna die on me and
screw up the pitch.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN KRAMER APT. EVENING
INSERT: A long and meticulous list that Joanna is making out
of the phone numbers and addresses of doctors and hospitals,
of what the various medicines are for, and of the foods that
Billy is and isn't permitted to eat.
WIDER ANGLE
As Joanna puts the finishing touches on the list and carefully
arranges it on top of the kitchen counter next to a box of
unsweetened, whole grain cereal and a jar of honey.
Note: It is this same set of notes that Ted will later
unthinkingly throw away.
CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING MIDTOWN NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
As the doors to the outer lobby open and Ted and O'Connor
appear.
Ted starts to hail a cab, O'Connor stops him.
O'CONNOR
Hey, what's the rush? C'mon, walk me
a couple of blocks.
TED
Jim, I've got to go. I'm already
late
O'CONNOR
Listen, Ted... I just want to tell
you, when old man Schmidt retires
next year, I've got a pretty good
feeling they'll kick me upstairs...
He turns and starts to walk off down the street, Ted, of
course, follows.
O'CONNOR
...and when they do, I just want you
to know I'm takin' you along with
me.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
CLOSE ON JOANNA
As she goes through her jewelry case, taking some things,
leaving others. In the B.G. we SEE a framed photograph of
Billy, smiling, looking into the camera.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET NIGHT
ON TED AND O'CONNOR
Tracking with them as they walk.
O'CONNOR
(feeling no pain)
Y'know, Ted, I mean what I said back
there. You did a hell of a job on
this and I want you to know I'm
turning the whole show over to you.
TED
(thrilled)
Wow!
O'CONNOR
I mean it Ted, you're running this
one.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
The suitcase is now full. Joanna zips it shut and looks around
to make sure that she hasn't forgotten anything.
Then, she hefts her suitcase and starts out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. FOYER NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
Joanna carries in the suitcase, sets it by the front door,
then she crosses to the living room and sits down at the
dining table.
CLOSER IN ON HER
She takes out a list made on the back of an old envelope. As
she begins to review it, checking off some items:
OFF SCREEN Sound: A key turning in the lock.
As Joanna looks up...
CUT TO:
HER POV
As the door swings open to reveal Ted Kramer, an enormous
grin on his face, a bottle of champagne in his hand. He is
so full of himself that he doesn't notice there is anything
wrong.
Note: Throughout the entire scene he carries the bottle of
champagne, never putting it down.
TED
I thought you might just like to
know that at five-fifteen this
afternoon we were officially handed
the Fire and Ice account by Revlon.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
JOANNA
(she takes a deep
breath, then:)
Ted, I'm leaving you.
TED
That represents a gross billing in
excess of two million
(hearing her)
What?!
Joanna opens her purse, takes out her keys and wallet.
JOANNA
Here are my keys. I won't be needing
them any more.
Note: Ted does not for a moment believe that his wife will
really leave him. All he can think of right now is that he
will have to spend the rest of the evening coping with one
of her moods.
TED
(sardonic)
I'm sorry I'm late, all right? I'm
sorry I didn't call I was busy
making a living.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
Joanna doesn't even bother to look up at him. She opens her
purse, takes out her wallet and begins removing credit cards.
JOANNA
My American Express... My
Bloomingdale's Credit Card... My
check book
TED
(the martyr)
Okay, okay... What is it this time?
What did I do now?...
JOANNA
(ignoring this)
I took two thousand out of the savings
account. That was what I had in the
bank when we got married.
TED
Joanna, whatever it is, believe me,
I'm sorry.
JOANNA
Here are the slips for the laundry
and the cleaning. They'll be ready
on Saturday.
TED
(hard lining it)
Now listen, before you do something
you'll really regret you'd better
stop and think -
JOANNA
(not bothering to
look up)
I've paid the rent, the Con-Ed and
the phone bill, so you don't have to
worry about them.
She checks off the last item on her list as her husband
watches, dumbfounded.
JOANNA
There, that's everything.
Joanna gets to her feet and starts toward the front door. In
an instant Ted is after her.
TED
(panic starting)
For God's sake, Joanna, would you at
least tell me what I did that's so
terrible! Would you do me that little
favor?
ON JOANNA
At the door.
JOANNA
Look, it's not your fault, okay?
It's me. It's my fault you just
married the wrong person.
TED
(placating her)
So we've got problems. Everybody's
got problems that's normal
Joanna opens the door and they step out into the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE KRAMER APT. EVENING
JOANNA
Ted, you're not listening to me.
It's over, finished.
TED
I'm listening, Joanna believe me,
I'm listening. My wife is walking
out on me after eight years of
JOANNA
(bitter)
You just don't get it, do you?
(as though to a child)
I am really and truly
leaving you.
TED
I heard you, Joanna. I promise I
heard you.
JOANNA
No you didn't.
(quietly)
You didn't even ask about Billy.
TED
(stiffening)
What about Billy?
JOANNA
I'm not taking him with me.
TED
What?
JOANNA
(tears start)
Ted, I can't... I tried... I really
tried but... I just can't hack it
anymore...
TED
C'mon, Joanna, you don't mean that.
You're a terrific mother
JOANNA
(from her gut)
I am not! I'm a terrible mother! I'm
an awful mother. I yell at him all
the time. I have no patience. No...
No. He's better off without me.
(unable to look at
Ted)
Ted, I've got to go... I've got to
go.
TED
(desperate)
Okay, I understand and I promise I
won't try and stop you, but you can't
just go... Look, come inside and
talk... Just for a few minutes.
JOANNA
(pleading)
NO!... Please... Please don't make
me stay... I swear... If you do,
sooner or later... maybe tomorrow,
maybe next week... maybe a year from
now...
(looking directly at
him)
I'll go right out the window.
Sound-effect: The elevator approaching.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
There is nothing more that can be done, this is the last
moment of intimacy.
TED
(quiet)
Where are you going?
JOANNA
I don't know...
The elevator door opens, Joanna steps inside.
TED
Do you want me to help you get a
cab?
Joanna shakes her head. The elevator door closes behind her
and it starts to descend.
ON TED KRAMER
He stands for a moment, stunned, unable to move. Then he
turns and races back into the apartment.
THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he rushes across to one of the
living room windows, throws it open and leans out.
HIS POV
Looking down to the street from the eighth floor. We SEE
Joanna step off the curb and hail a passing taxi.
TED
(calling out)
Joanna!?... Joanna?!
Either she doesn't hear him or else she pays no attention.
She gets into the cab, closes the door behind her and it
drives away.
CUT TO:
INT. APT. NIGHT
ON TED
As he stands for a moment watching the taxi as it disappears.
Then, slowly, he closes the window, turns, and AS THE CAMERA
TRACKS WITH HIM, walks into the bedroom.
The bedroom is a mess: the closet door stands open, inside
Joanna's section is empty except for some shoe-boxes and a
few dresses that are scattered across the floor. Several
dresser drawers have been pulled out and their contents
emptied.
HOLD IN A WIDE SHOT as Ted wearily picks up one of the dresses
and hangs it back on its hanger in its proper place, ready
for Joanna's return. As he continues straightening up the
room,
THE CAMERA SLOWLY FADES TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM VERY LATE AT NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
Ted Kramer paces back and forth, eyeing the phone. Then,
coming to a decision, he crosses to it, picks up the receiver
and starts to dial.
CUT TO:
EXT. APT. BLDG. LATE AT NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
The building is dark except for the Kramer apartment which
is ablaze with lights. HOLD as we HEAR:
Sound: The phone ringing. Then:
WOMAN'S VOICE
(obviously asleep)
Huh... Hello?
TED
(righteous)
All right, Thelma... That's it. I've
had it. You can call your good friend
Joanna Kramer and tell her enough is
enough, okay? I mean, I don't know
what I did, but you can tell her
she's made her point.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Ted, what are you talking about?!
TED
Don't play innocent with me, Thelma.
You know perfectly well what's going
on.
WOMAN'S VOICE
(exasperated)
Ted, I don't understand a word you're
saying. Where's Joanna?
TED
Ha! You tell me.
Sound-effect, as Ted slams down the receiver.
Instantly a light is turned on two floors below.
CUT TO:
INT. FOYER KRAMER APT. NIGHT
ON THE FRONT DOOR
As we HEAR:
Sound-effect: the doorbell rings.
A moment later Ted opens the door and THELMA PHILLIPS enters.
She is a neighbor (Apt. 6-B) and Joanna Kramer's best friend.
About four months ago Thelma and her husband Charley were
divorced.
Until then the two families had been very close, the Kramer's
son
(Billy) being about the same age as the Phillips' daughter
(Kim).
With the divorce, however, the Kramers tried to remain friends
with both Thelma and Charley and that has caused a certain
amount of friction.
Thelma is an attractive woman in her mid-thirties. She dresses
well, works out religiously at Jack LaLanne's and goes to a
therapist twice a week. She is also given to acting the lay
analyst with her friends. Thelma is generous with her advice,
sharing the wealth so to speak. With all of this she is kind,
loyal and a loving friend. At the moment, however, she is
all business.
THELMA
(looking around,
suspiciously)
All right. What's going on?
ON TED
From his attitude it is clear that there is no love lost
between them.
TED
All right, Thelma, you want to know
what's going on? I'll tell you what's
going on. I'll tell you exactly what's
going on.
THELMA
Look, Ted, all I
TED
(starting to really
roll)
I came home tonight. We just got the
Fire and Ice account at the agency.
Do you know what that means?! Do you
understand what that means? It means
that it was maybe one of the five
best days in my whole life.
THELMA
Ted, all I wanted to know was where
TED
(not letting her get
a word in edgewise)
I walk in the house and before I can
say "How are you?", "Did you have a
nice day?" before I can say anything.
Pow she's out the door.
THELMA
OhmyGod. Didn't she say anything?
She must've said something.
TED
(sarcastic)
Yeah, she said it wasn't any use
talking anymore.
THELMA
Ted, don't be so hostile.
Ted draws himself upright with the dignity of the Ambassador
to the Court of St. James. However, during the following, he
begins pounding the pillows on the couch into shape with
real vehemence.
TED
Hostile?
(pow)
Me?
(whack)
Thelma, I'm not hostile.
(thud)
I am anything but hostile.
(sock)
But if you want to know what I am.
I'll tell you what I am. What I am
is, I am hurt. I am very hurt. And I
just want to know one thing, okay?
Just one thing... Why? That's all I
want to know... Why?
THELMA
(how to say this)
Ted, Joanna and I used to talk a lot
and... well, she told me a lot of...
ah, things about the two of you.
TED
(instantly nervous)
Things? What kind of things?
THELMA
(clearly she knows
more than she's
willing to say)
I mean... things. Ted, Joanna's very
unhappy and
TED
(flash of anger)
Listen, Joanna Kramer's got a goddamn
good life. She's got a husband that
loves her. She's got a terrific kid.
She's got a wonderful home
THELMA
(getting mad herself)
What d'you know about how Joanna
felt? You went off to an office every
morning and you'd come dragging home
at seven or eight every night and as
long as dinner was on the table you
thought everything was swell.
TED
Did it ever occur to you guys that
Joanna Kramer's not the easiest person
in the world to live with?! Did it?!
For one thing she's always thirty
minutes late. You can set your watch
by it
THELMA
(exasperated)
So she's late. What's the big deal.
That's just a way of saying, "Pay
attention to me."
TED
(not listening)
Two. She is getting to be a real
hermit or recluse or whatever it is
you call it. Thelma, do you know
where I could be in this business if
I had a wife that entertained or
went out socially
THELMA
Oh for shit's sake, Ted, you are the
most selfish human being I have ever
met. No wonder she said you came
first, then Billy, then, if there
was anything left over, she got the
scraps.
TED
Joanna said that?
Thelma nods.
TED
Then how come she never said anything
like that to me?
THELMA
Maybe she didn't feel like she should
have to. Maybe she felt like if you'd
been paying any real attention to
her to start with, maybe you would've
noticed.
TED
(stung)
Boy, you guys are really something,
y'know? I'd like to know one thing,
okay just one little thing. Did
you tell Joanna she should leave me?
THELMA
(stiffly)
No.
She turns and starts toward the front door, Ted at her heel.
TED
Y'know something Thelma you are
the typhoid Mary of divorce. I mean
it. Joanna and I never had any trouble
until you and Charley split up.
THELMA
Ted, divorce is a terrible thing. I
know, I went through it. You've got
to believe I did everything I could
to get Joanna to stay.
(pause)
But I'll tell you something. You may
not want to hear it, but it took a
lot of courage for Joanna to do what
she just did.
TED
I'd like to know what the hell kind
of courage it takes to walk out on
your husband and your child?
CLOSE ON THELMA
That stops her dead in her tracks. She had always assumed
that Joanna took Billy with her when she left.
THELMA
Joanna left Billy? She didn't take
him with her?
Ted shakes his head. There is a long beat of silence.
THELMA
(stunned, quiet)
Oh Shit.
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
EXT. KRAMER APT. BLDG. EARLY MORNING
WIDE SHOT
It is a beautiful sunny morning and the super stands in front
of the building hosing down the sidewalk. HOLD as a garbage
truck enters FRAME and the garbage men begin loading sacks
of trash into the back of the truck. As it begins to grind
up the garbage with an ungodly sound, THE CAMERA PANS UP TO
THE EIGHTH FLOOR WINDOWS.
CUT TO:
INT. BILLY KRAMER'S BEDROOM EARLY MORNING
MEDIUM SHOT
Billy Kramer lies in his bed, fast asleep.
HOLD FOR A BEAT as we HEAR:
OFF SCREEN Sound: From the street below, the garbage truck
grinding up garbage.
A moment later, Billy opens his eyes, struggles to his feet
and,
AS THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM, trudges sleepily out of his
room, across the hall and into the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM EARLY MORNING
As the child stands in front of the toilet, eyes closed, we
HEAR:
OFF SCREEN Sound-effect: as the child pees noisily.
Then, when he is finished, he turns and, without bothering
to flush the toilet, shuffles down the hall and into his
parents' bedroom.
HIS POV
The bed is empty, there is no sign that anyone has slept in
it.
ON BILLY
A look of suspicion on his face, he turns and starts back
down the hall toward the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM EARLY MORNING
As Billy enters, looks around.
HIS POV
Ted Kramer, still fully dressed, looking like the wrath of
God is asleep in the chair.
ON BILLY
As he marches across to his father.
BILLY
Where's mommy?
ON TED
His eyes open, he looks around startled.
TED
Huh?... Oh God... What time is it?
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
BILLY
(suspicious)
The little hand is on the six and
the big hand is on the nine. Where
is mommy?
TED
(trying to pull himself
together)
Oh, Christ... Ah, yeah... you want
to know why mom's not here, right?
Billy nods.
TED
(bullshit)
Okay, I'm going to tell you... It's
like this. Mommy and daddy had a
little argument and mommy decided
she wanted to go off by herself for
a little while. You know how sometimes
you get mad and want to go off and
be by yourself? Well, it's like that,
okay? Okay.
(subject closed)
Now how about some breakfast?
Ted struggles to his feet and THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH THEM as
they start toward the kitchen.
BILLY
When is mommy coming back?
TED
(lying)
Soon. Very soon.
By now they are inside the kitchen, Ted looks around.
HIS POV
There, on the kitchen cabinet is a box of "natural grain"
cereal, a jar of honey, some wheat germ, and a banana, with
carefully written instructions from Joanna underneath.
ON TED
He takes one look at the note, crumples it up and tosses it
in the wastebasket.
TED
(the camp counselor)
I'll tell you what, kiddo why don't
I fix us some French toast?
BILLY
(impressed)
Wow! French toast, really?
TED
(the camp counselor)
Sure. Didn't I ever tell you French
toast was my specialty? I'll bet I
never told you that. Now then, the
first thing we need is...
(trying desperately
to remember)
...eggs! Right?
Billy nods. Ted opens the refrigerator and takes some eggs.
TED
This is terrific... isn't this
terrific?
As Ted begins the process of making French toast, it soon
becomes obvious that he has no idea of what he is doing.
What follows is a symphony in incompetence on Ted's part. He
breaks the eggs into a bowl and ends up with most of the
shell mixed up with the egg.
Then he takes a piece of bread and drops it into bowl.
TED
(saying it will make
it so)
I'm having a good time... Are you
having a good time?
ON BILLY
Watching all of this with increasing apprehension.
BILLY
You forgot the milk.
TED
(still the camp
counselor)
That's right. You're absolutely
right... It's been a long time since
I made French toast.
Ted takes a container of milk, pours it into the bowl so
that it is filled to the brim. Then he sloshes the bread
around until it is half-dissolved.
TED
Look at this, isn't this something?!
He lops off a huge hunk of butter, drops it into an omelet
pan and turns up the flame.
ON BILLY
Watching. He looks as though he is about to throw up.
BILLY
What about my orange juice?
TED
(the counterman)
Right. One O.J. coming up.
He opens the refrigerator and starts to get the orange juice.
As he does, black smoke begins to billow ominously from the
frying pan.
BILLY
(scared)
Daddy!!!
Ted turns, spots the smoke.
TED
Don't worry... Everything's fine...
He lunges for the handle of the frying pan, which by now is
very hot. He grabs it, lets out a howl of pain and the whole
mess, frying pan, butter, bread, goes crashing to the floor.
CLOSE ON TED
Suddenly all the rage comes pouring out.
TED
Goddam! Son of a bitch!
REACTION BILLY
Terrified.
WIDE SHOT
As Ted kneels down and begins to clean up the mess.
TED
(to himself as much
as to Billy)
It's okay. It's gonna be okay...
Everything's going to be all right.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET DAY
ON A BUS
As it pulls to a stop. The doors open and a stream of mothers
and children get off. Among them we spot Ted Kramer with
Billy. As they start across the street, Ted reaches down and
takes hold of Billy's hand. The moment they get to the far
side, Billy takes his hand away from Ted's and wipes it on
his pants. Clearly Ted's hands are very sweaty.
CLOSER IN ON THEM
As they start down the block toward Billy's school.
CLOSER IN ON THEM
BILLY
When is mommy coming back?
TED
Soon. I told you before, very soon.
BILLY
(nervous)
Will she pick me up after school?
TED
No. If I'm not here, you go home
with Thelma and Kim.
BILLY
What if she forgets?
TED
(weary)
I'll call Thelma and remind her,
okay? Don't worry.
They walk in silence for a few steps, then:
BILLY
But what happens if she's on her way
to school and she gets runned over
by a truck and killed? What happens
them?
Ted looks at Billy in amazement.
WIDE SHOT
As the two of them enter the school and disappear from view.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE, TED'S AGENCY DAY
ON THE ELEVATOR DOORS
As they open and Ted steps out looking like the wrath of
God. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he crosses the waiting
room toward the inner offices.
ON THE RECEPTIONIST
Glancing up as he passes.
RECEPTIONIST
(cheerful)
Congratulations, Mr. Kramer.
ON TED
Looking at her like she has lost her mind. Nevertheless he
continues on, passing through swinging doors into a long
corridor lined with secretaries' desks and offices leading
off of it.
Suddenly a younger man rushes up, grabs Ted's hand and starts
to pump it vigorously.
YOUNG MAN
Terrific news, Ted.
Another nut. Ted smiles at the man, humoring him and continues
toward his office. O'Connor appears, throwing his arm around
Ted, squeezing him in a bear hug.
O'CONNOR
Hey... Look who was out celebrating
last night.
Suddenly Ted realizes that all these people are congratulating
him for getting the Fire and Ice account.
TED
(trying to appear
nonchalant)
Uh, Jim... Can I talk to you?
CUT TO:
INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE DAY
Ted and O'Connor sitting across from one another. O'Connor
has just heard the news.
O'CONNOR
Jesus Christ. That's a real
blockbuster.
(shakes his head)
I always figured you guys had it
made.
TED
(morose)
You want to know the real kicker?
The real kicker is, for the first
time in my life the first time I
feel like a loser.
O'Connor nods sympathetically. Actually he is praying that
Ted won't start to cry.
O'CONNOR
(stiff upper lip)
Listen, don't let it get you down.
(doesn't believe it
for a second)
You're going to be fine.
TED
(toujour gai)
Me? I've never been better. I mean
having my wife walk out on me after
seven years of marriage agrees with
me just fine.
O'CONNOR
Look, Ted, I'm the oldest whore on
the beat, okay? Three marriages, two
divorces... You're gonna be okay.
TED
(wishful thinking)
I'm going to be okay. The way I see
it, Joanna'll come home, it's just a
matter of time.
O'CONNOR
(emphatically)
She'll be back...
Ted nods in agreement. There is a beat of silence as both
men consider Joanna's imminent return. Then:
O'CONNOR
(trying to be tactful)
But... just in case... I mean, just
on the off chance she doesn't. What
are you going to do about the kid?
TED
(the wind goes out of
him)
I don't know, Jim. This whole thing
has happened so... Pow like that.
O'CONNOR
(a friend having to
say something very
difficult)
Look, it's none of my business, so
you can tell me to butt out, okay?
But if you want my advice, you'll
send Billy away to stay with relatives
for a while. Just until you get
yourself straightened out.
TED
(doubtfully)
I don't know, Jim...
O'CONNOR
(the Dutch uncle)
Ted, this may sound a little rough,
but we've just landed the biggest
account in the history of this agency,
right? And now it's up to us that's
you and me to deliver the goods.
Ted, you're my main man, and if I
can't depend on you a hundred and
ten percent, twenty-four hours a
day, because you're worried about a
kid with a runny nose
TED
Jim, I appreciate what you're saying.
I mean it, but I really think Joanna's
coming back.
ON O'CONNOR
Clearly he doesn't believe this.
O'CONNOR
I hope you're right, Ted... I really
hope you're right.
CUT TO:
INT. FOYER KRAMER APT. DAY
INSERT: TIGHT ON AN ENVELOPE
It is postmarked Denver, Colorado. The letter is addressed
to Billy Kramer and it is from Joanna.
ON TED
As he rips open the letter.
TED
Billy!
ON BILLY
He sits in the living room watching television, a chocolate
doughnut in one hand and a remote control device for watching
television in the other.
Off-screen Sound: a Saturday morning kiddie program from the
television set.
BILLY
(focused on T.V.)
Uh, huh...
TED
You got a letter from mom.
Instantly, Billy turns down the volume of the television.
BILLY
(excited)
When is she coming home?!
ON TED
As he starts to read, slowly, carefully, so that Billy can
absorb it.
TED
"My dear, sweet Billy: Mommy has
gone away. Sometimes in the world
daddies go away and mommies bring up
their little boys. But sometimes a
mommy can go away too, and you have
your daddy to bring you up."
As Ted continues to read, Billy starts turning up the sound
on the television, using the remote control device.
TED
(raising his voice so
he can be heard)
"I have gone away because I must
find some interesting things to do
for myself in the world. Everybody
has to, and so do I. Being your mommy
was one thing, but there are other
things and this is what I have to
do. I did not get a chance to tell
you this, and that is why I am writing
you now."
By now the volume from the television is so loud that Ted
has to shout to make himself heard over it.
TED
"I will always be your mommy and I
will always love you. I just won't
be your mommy in the house. But I
will be your mommy of the heart. And
I... "
(he looks up, about
to tell the child to
lower the volume)
Billy.
HIS POV
Billy sits, watching television with an almost ferocious
intensity on his face, doing his best to block out Ted's
voice.
ON TED
He watches his son for a second, then carefully refolds the
letter, puts it away.
TED
(as he reaches across,
turns down the sound
on the T.V.)
It's okay... It's okay. We'll talk
about it some other time.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN KRAMER APT. LATER THAT DAY
CLOSE ON THELMA
Reading Joanna's letter.
THELMA
Oh, God... OhmyGod...
She finishes the letter, looks up at Ted.
THELMA
What are you going to do?
TED
I don't know, Thel... This whole
thing has happened so... Pow, like
that.
THELMA
I mean, what are you going to do
about Billy?
TED
(stiff)
I'm gonna keep him, why?
THELMA
Look, this is nothing personal, but
I don't think you can do it.
TED
Thelma, I've lost my wife, I'm not
losing my child.
THELMA
(backing off)
All right... Okay... But let's get
something straight, right now. I
mean, I'm sorry about what happened
between you and Joanna, but it's not
my problem, understand?
REVERSE ON TED
He nods.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
THELMA
I'm not going to have you calling
every fifteen minutes just because
you can't find a hot water bottle,
understand?
Ted nods.
THELMA
I've got enough trouble raising my
own kid. I don't need another one.
Got it?
TED
Got it.
THELMA
You're on your own, understand?
TED
I understand.
THELMA
You're sure?
TED
I'm sure.
ON THELMA
A long pause, she looks at him with all the warmth of a top
sergeant facing a raw recruit. Then:
THELMA
All right. Who's Billy's pediatrician?
ON TED
He hasn't the foggiest idea.
THELMA
(machine-gun delivery)
Ed Davies. 230 East 76th Street. 472-
8227. Fifty bucks a house call, thirty
for an office visit. Write this down:
I'm not telling you twice. What's
the nearest hospital?
ON TED
As he grabs a piece of paper and starts writing frantically.
TED
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
THELMA
(not waiting)
Lenox Hill. 77th Street between Park
and Lex. The emergency number is 327-
0800.
TED
Slow down... Slow down...
CUT TO:
INT. TED'S BEDROOM DAY
WIDE SHOT
Ted stands in the middle of the room, sorting out a huge
pile of dirty clothes. Thelma sits on the edge of the bed,
watching.
THELMA
Colors in one pile, white things in
another and shirts in a third.
In the BACKGROUND we SEE the bathroom door as it opens and
Billy Kramer steps out, freshly bathed and wearing clean
clothes.
THELMA
(without looking around)
Brush the teeth. Hang up the towel
and flush the toilet.
Billy immediately turns on his heels and heads back into the
bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM KRAMER APT. DAY
CLOSE ON A SILVER CIGARETTE BOX
That is inscribed, "Ted and Joanna Kramer, Married April 4,
1970."
HOLD FOR A BEAT then Ted's hand reaches into FRAME and picks
it up.
MEDIUM SHOT TED
As he takes the cigarette box and balances it on a stack of
scrap books, photographs, ash trays, etc., etc., that he is
carrying. He crosses to another table, picks up a framed
photograph of Joanna and Billy and piles that on top of
everything. We realize that Ted is going through the apartment
from top to bottom and methodically cleaning out every trace
of Joanna that he can find.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
As Ted goes through the room, picking up Billy's clothes
which have been strewn every which way.
THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he carries them into Billy's
room.
INT. BILLY'S ROOM NIGHT
Billy is fast asleep, the only light coming from the night
lamp on the dresser. Ted dumps the soiled clothing in a
hamper, hangs up Billy's jacket, then he neatly folds the
boy's sweater and crosses to the dresser.
CLOSER IN ON THE DRESSER
As Ted opens a drawer and starts to put the sweater away.
Suddenly he spots something.
CUT TO:
HIS POV
There, in the drawer, sitting on top of a pile of clothing
is one of the photographs of Joanna that Ted put away this
afternoon.
Billy has retrieved it and hidden it here, hoping that Ted
wouldn't find it.
CLOSE ON TED
As he takes a long look at the photograph, then turns to his
son.
HIS POV
Billy asleep, tangled up in the covers.
ON TED
He removes the photograph from the drawer, crosses to the
bed and places it on the nightstand nearby so that Billy
will be able to see the picture of Joanna when he wakes up
in the morning. He sits for a moment longer on the side of
the bed and reaches across and smooths down his son's rumpled
hair.
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. TED'S OFFICE LATE AFTERNOON
ON TED
Clearly in a rush, loading his briefcase with work to do
that evening. He starts for the door and THE CAMERA TRACKS
WITH HIM as he walks along the outer office corridor, heading
for the elevator. As he passes the door to O'Connor's office:
TED
(calling out)
'Night, Jim.
O'CONNOR (O.S.)
(calling out)
Hey, Ted. C'mon in. I wanna' talk to
you.
Reluctantly Ted stops, turns around and walks back to the
door to O'Connor's office.
CUT TO:
INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE LATE AFTERNOON
O'Connor sits back in his chair, his feet propped on the
desk a drink in one hand.
O'CONNOR
(jovial)
What's the big rush. C'mon in, put
your feet up, have a drink.
REVERSE ON TED
Hanging in the doorway, clearly anxious to leave.
TED
Can't do it tonight. Gotta pick up
Billy. I'm late.
O'CONNOR
(paying no attention
to that)
Listen, I heard a terrific joke today.
There's this Polish skydiver
TED
(urgent)
Sorry, Jim I've got to go. I'll talk
to you tomorrow.
And before O'Connor can say anything he is gone.
REVERSE ON O'CONNOR
Obviously displeased. He sits for a moment, drumming his
fingers on the desk top, then reaches for the phone and starts
to dial. A moment later:
O'CONNOR
Murray? Jim O'Connor, why don't you
drop by and have a drink...
CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING LATE AFTERNOON
WIDE SHOT
As Ted emerges from the building, starts to hail a cab.
CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE, EAST EIGHTIES LATE AFTERNOON
WIDE SHOT
As the cab pulls to a stop. Ted leaps out and rushes inside.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY APARTMENT BLDG. LATE AFTERNOON
The elevator doors open and Ted steps out.
THE CAMERA PANS WITH HIM as he crosses to the doorway of an
apartment, rings the bell.
CLOSER IN
As the door is opened by a pleasant-looking woman in her
thirties.
This is MRS. KLINE. She has the slightly haggard look of
someone who has just survived a birthday party with eight
five-year-olds.
In fact, behind her we SEE an abundance of crepe paper and
balloons.
TED
(apologetic)
Mrs. Kline, I'm sorry I'm late, but
MRS. KLINE
That's all right, but I'm afraid
Billy was a little nervous...
(she glances off screen)
THEIR POV
Billy, his coat on, his goody bag in his lap sits alone on a
bench in the foyer.
The moment he sees his father, he gets up and starts for the
door.
BILLY
(to Ted, accusingly)
You're late.
TED
I'm sorry, pal, but I had a meeting
and
BILLY
(to Mrs. Kline anxious
to get away)
Goodbye.
MRS. KLINE
Goodbye, Bill. Thank you for coming.
(calling out to her
son in the next room)
Mark. Say goodbye to Bill.
MARK (O.S.)
(preoccupied)
Bye.
BILLY
Bye.
And he hustles his father out into the hallway. Once door is
shut behind them:
BILLY
(sullen)
I was waiting a long time.
By now they have crossed to the elevator. Ted rings the bell.
TED
(this ain't exactly
the greeting he's
expected)
It wasn't so long, I'm only...
(checking his watch)
...twenty minutes late.
The elevator doors open.
BILLY
All the other mothers got here a
long time ago...
And the doors close, blocking them from view.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
WIDE SHOT
Ted and Billy sit at the dining table, a large pizza between
them.
Ted is working hard, trying to establish some kind of rapport
with his son. Billy is silent, he picks at the slice of pizza
in front of him.
TED
(more of the camp
counselor)
How was school today?
BILLY
Okay... Same as usual...
TED
Billy, don't eat with your fingers.
BILLY
(morose)
Sorry.
There is a long beat of silence.
TED
(like pulling teeth)
Well, I see the Yankees finally won
a game.
BILLY
Mom, I mean dad?
TED
Yeah?
BILLY
Can I be excused? I'm not hungry. I
think I'll go to bed.
TED
Sure. Too much birthday cake, right?
BILLY
(as he gets up from
the table)
I guess...
WIDE SHOT
As Billy shuffles off toward his room. Ted sits for a beat
picking at the food on his plate.
THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH BILLY as he gets up from the table
and walks into his room. HOLD IN THE DOORWAY as he takes off
his shirt and pants and leaves them lying on the floor. The
boy crosses to the closet, gets his pajamas and puts them
on.
REVERSE ON TED
Standing in the doorway, watching.
TED
Goodnight.
ON BILLY
He starts to crawl into bed.
BILLY
(aloof)
'Night.
ON TED
THE CAMERA PANS WITH HIM as he crosses to where Billy dropped
his clothes on the floor, picks them up.
TED
Listen, pal, I'm sorry, okay?
Silence.
TED
I know how you feel.
Silence.
Ted crosses, sits on the edge of the bed.
TED
Look, I remember one time when. I
was a couple of years younger than
you are now and... I was staying
with this cousin of mine and my
parents were supposed to come and
pick me up by three, but it got later
and later and they didn't and they
didn't show up and I remember I got
really scared that something had
happened to them and I remember when
they finally came instead of being
happy to see them I was very angry
and... Billy, I promise I'll never
do that to you again, okay?...
Silence.
TED
Billy? Okay?
CLOSEUP BILLY
His face is turned to the wall. HOLD FOR A BEAT as we SEE
him nod.
INT. LIVING ROOM TED KRAMER'S APT. NIGHT
Note: The following scene, which is written as one, is
actually to be played so that each time we cut back to the
woman who is being interviewed as housekeeper, it is a
different woman: sometimes nervous and excited, sometimes
large and lugubrious, with six shopping bags, sometimes
looking like a headmistress at Dachau.
They are uniformly (until the last) unappetizing.
Throughout this, we SEE Ted becoming increasingly desperate.
WOMAN
(looking around nervous)
It's very big... They didn't tell me
it was this big.
TED
(apologetically)
No... No, actually it's only two
bedrooms.
SECOND WOMAN
(sniffing)
Phew... This place is a real pig
sty.
TED
(defensively)
Look, my wife just walked out on me.
Okay? It's been a tough week.
THIRD WOMAN
Don't tell me your troubles, mister.
I got enough of my own.
Note: With the FOURTH WOMAN we begin on a CLOSEUP and PULL
BACK to REVEAL that we are in Ted's office and it is the
middle of the afternoon.
INT. TED KRAMER'S OFFICE DAY
FOURTH WOMAN
The first thing is, I don't do floors.
At that point the door behind her opens and O'Connor pokes
his head in.
O'CONNOR
Ted.
FOURTH WOMAN
(ignoring him)
Or windows. I come in at ten and I
get Wednesdays off.
O'CONNOR
Ted.
TED
(brisk)
I'll be with you in a minute, Jim.
(back to the woman)
You couldn't make that Saturday,
could you?
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
ON THE FIFTH WOMAN (MRS. WILLEWSKA)
She is a slightly built attractive woman in her early sixties.
There is a long pause as she looks around.
MRS. WILLEWSKA
What kind of boy is your son?
REACTION TED
This is the first person that ever asked about Billy.
TED
(taken aback)
Well, he's... ah, he's a good kid.
He's shy and... I think he's probably
very creative and...
MRS. WILLEWSKA
Could I see him?
TED
Sure. He's right in here.
As they start toward the child's room.
CUT TO:
INT. BILLY'S ROOM NIGHT
In the darkness we can SEE Billy, all scrunched up in the
covers.
HOLD FOR A BEAT as the door opens and the light from the
hall falls across the sleeping boy.
ON THE DOOR
Ted and Mrs. Willewska stand silhouetted against the light.
MRS. WILLEWSKA
Oh... He's very beautiful.
ON BILLY
As he stirs, in his sleep.
MRS. WILLEWSKA (O.S.)
Mr. Kramer, you are a very lucky
man.
REACTION, TED
This is the first time since Joanna left that this has
occurred to him.
TED
Mrs. Willewska, could you start on
Monday?
CUT TO:
INT. SUPERMARKET DAY
ON BILLY AND TED
TRACKING JUST IN FRONT OF THEM as they wheel a shopping cart
along the aisle. Ted has a shopping list in his hand.
Ted stops, takes a box of detergent off of the shelf, starts
to put it in the shopping cart, when:
BILLY
(worried)
Mom, I mean dad...
TED
(his mind elsewhere)
Uh huh...
BILLY
That's not the right soap. We use
the kind in the green and yellow
box.
TED
C'mon, there's not much difference
BILLY
(firmly)
We use the green and yellow.
Ted looks at his son for a moment, then carefully replaces
the detergent that he had originally picked and reaches for
the green and yellow kind. They continue on for several steps
and Ted stops again, this time looking for a dishwashing
liquid. He starts to reach for one, stops, looks around at
Billy.
Billy shakes his head.
Ted points to another.
BILLY
(shaking his head
again)
The pink stuff.
Ted takes a bottle of the pink stuff, puts it in the shopping
cart and consults his shopping list.
TED
Okay, what color cereal do we get?
CUT TO:
EXT. PLAYGROUND, CENTRAL PARK DAY
WIDE SHOT
It is that same afternoon and Billy (his clothes are much
dirtier by now) is running back and forth with a group of
other children.
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Walk him over to Bethesda Fountain
and buy him an ice.
ON TED
He sits on one of the playground benches, the work he took
from the office stacked beside him on the bench. Sitting
next to him is a personable-looking man of about Ted's age.
He is nattily dressed in a suit complete with vest, tie and
polished Gucci loafers. We will call him THE SATURDAY FATHER.
Note: The Saturday Father and his daughter (a pretty young
girl of about ten) will appear from time to time throughout
the film. He is a divorced father, putting in his time, not
giving a shit about the child. The Saturday Father insists
on treating Ted as though they were members of the same secret
fraternity. And he comes to represent Ted's nightmare of
what might happen to him.
TED
(looking in the
direction of the
voice)
What?
SATURDAY FATHER
Walk him over to Bethesda Fountain,
buy him an ice. It'll kill twenty
minutes.
TED
I've got a lot more than twenty
minutes to kill.
SATURDAY FATHER
Tough...
(checking his watch)
...I get off duty at five-thirty.
(bored, anxious to
make conversation)
How long you been divorced?
TED
(surprised)
Three months. How can you tell?
SATURDAY FATHER
You've got that look. My lady and I
split two years ago in August and
I'm an old pro at this shit. First
thing, stay away from the Children's
Zoo. It's pure hell if I never see
another chicken, I'll be happy.
(calling out to his
daughter OFF SCREEN)
I'm here, darling. Don't worry...
CLOSER ON TED
Finding this distinctly unpleasant. He glances around, looking
for Billy.
HIS POV
The sprinkler area. Other children are running around, but
there is no sign of Billy.
TED
(calling out)
Billy?
HIS POV
Another area of the playground. Billy is nowhere in sight.
WIDER ON TED
As he grabs his stuff and starts toward the exit of the
playground.
TED
(louder)
Billy?
HIS POV
Looking in another direction. Nothing.
WIDE ON TED
Standing among a crowd of people just outside the entrance
to the playground. He is looking around wildly.
TED
Billy?!
HIS POV
There in the distance is Billy Kramer, running as hard as he
can away from Ted.
ON TED
TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he starts to chase after Billy.
HIS POV TRACKING FORWARD
It is clear that Billy is running with a purpose.
TED (V.O.)
Billy!
Billy pays no attention to him.
ON TED
TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he continues to chase his son.
HIS POV TRACKING FORWARD
Closer now, we can SEE that ahead of Billy is a woman that,
from behind, looks remarkably like Joanna.
CLOSER ON TED
As he realizes what is about to happen.
CLOSER ON BILLY
Catching up to the woman.
BILLY
Mommy! Mommy!
A moment later he gets close enough to grab onto her skirt.
As the woman turns around:
CLOSEUP WOMAN
Quite clearly it is not Joanna.
CLOSEUP BILLY
His face becomes impassive again. All the excitement vanishes.
BILLY
Oh. I thought you were my mommy.
CLOSEUP TED
His face reveals all of the pain that Billy's can't.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM, NURSERY SCHOOL DAY
CLOSE ON A HOMEMADE CURTAIN
As it opens and Billy Kramer, wearing an outsized moustache,
a makeshift cape and a stovepipe hat made from construction
paper.
He stands for a moment, looking around, finally he spots
someone, grins and begins waving.
HIS POV
Across the room eighteen to twenty mothers (Ted Kramer is
the only man present) are gathered, sitting on tiny chairs
and at work tables watching as their children put on a show.
ON BILLY
Suddenly he forgets his lines, looks around nervously. A
moment later a very pretty young teacher leans over, whispers
in his ear.
TEACHER
Ladies and gentlemen...
BILLY
Ladies and gentlemen...
TEACHER
Welcome to the greatest show on earth.
BILLY
Welcome to the...
(he forgets again)
REVERSE ON TED
He leans forward mouthing the words as the teacher prompts
Billy.
TEACHER
Greatest.
BILLY
Greatest...
TEACHER
Show.
BILLY
Show...
TEACHER
On earth.
BILLY
On earth.
Ted breathes a sigh of relief, his son having gotten through
it.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THE CHILDREN PUTTING ON THE SHOW AND
TED KRAMER SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE WATCHING:
A look of total pleasure on his face. From time to time when
Billy does something particularly difficult, Ted nudges the
woman next to him.
Note: In all of the shots of Billy we SEE the teacher there
guiding, helping, over and over and over we cannot help but
notice how attractive she is. Toward the end of the show
Ted's POV occasionally follows the teacher rather than the
child.
DISSOLVE TO:
WIDE SHOT
The show is over and the parents and children mill around
eating popcorn, drinking lemonade from paper cups. Ted stands
off to one side, talking to the teacher as Billy runs around.
CLOSER IN ON THEM
TEACHER
Mr. Kramer, I just wanted to tell
you what a wonderful boy your son
is.
TED
(clearly attracted to
her)
I don't know... I've been worried...
(glancing around,
making sure Billy is
out of earshot)
I mean, with what he's been through
and everything. I
TEACHER
(solicitously)
No... No... Billy is doing just fine.
TED
(giving himself a few
points)
Well, you know it's not easy raising
a kid on your own and I thought if
we could get together and, uh, discuss
At that moment one of the class mothers interrupts, reaches
across Ted and takes hold of the teacher's hand.
WOMAN
(effusive)
Barbara! Congratulations! When is
the baby due?
TEACHER (BARBARA)
Oh, God. Not 'til August.
CLOSE ON TED
Inadvertently glancing at the teacher's stomach, nothing
shows.
ON THE TEACHER
As she turns back to Ted.
TEACHER
Excuse me. You said you wanted to
talk, Mr. Kramer.
TED
(embarrassed)
Yes, but... ah, not now...
(checking his watch)
I've got an appointment... I forgot
all about it...
As Ted begins beating a hasty retreat,
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET DAY
ON TED
TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he walks down the street carrying
a large and elaborate papier-mβchι art thing that Billy made
in school.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN TED AND HIS POV:
As he manages to notice every single pretty girl that passes,
thread his way through the crowd and still balance Billy's
enormous work of art.
CUT TO:
INT. AGENCY DAY
ON THE ELEVATOR DOORS
As they open, Ted squeezes off and AS THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH
HIM, he crosses the waiting room and enters the offices
proper. He pauses at his secretary's desk and deposits Billy's
papier-mβchι thing. She jumps up from her desk, takes the
papier-mβchι thing and her notebook in hand, and follows Ted
as he walks down the corridor towards O'Connor's office.
SECRETARY
Mr. O'Connor called. There's a meeting
with the Revlon people in the board
room and you're fifteen minutes late.
TED
(in a rush)
I know... I know.
SECRETARY
Mr. Schmidt can't have the figures
on the television buy until Monday.
TED
No. Uh, uh. Tell him I asked for it
Friday. I want it Friday. Period.
SECRETARY
Mr. Lombardo from packaging wants to
meet on Friday.
TED
Fine.
By now they have reached the board room. He enters without
knocking, his secretary still in tow.
SECRETARY
And Mrs. Kelsey called to ask if
Billy can come to Stephanie's birthday
party on Tuesday.
CUT TO:
INT. BOARD ROOM DAY
The room is filled with executives in three piece suits and
O'Connor who is doing a lot of backing and filling.
TED
(as he enters)
Yes. Remind me to pick up a "Crying
Chrissie" doll at lunch on Tuesday.
ON O'CONNOR
Clearly he is very irritated at this.
O'CONNOR
(sardonic)
If it's all right with you, Mother
Kramer, can we get down to work now?
CUT TO:
INT. PHYLLIS BERNARD'S OFFICE DAY
It is a real mess, legal files and law books scattered
everywhere.
In the midst of all this chaos sits PHYLLIS BERNARD, as we
said before, she is about thirty, very pretty in spite of
her glasses.
ON PHYLLIS
She looks up as Ted enters. It is clear from their attitude
that they have known one another for a long time and are
very relaxed together.
PHYLLIS
Hello, Kramer.
ON TED
He drops into a chair and shoves a stack of papers across
the desk to her.
TED
Hiya, Phyllis. These are the Revlon
contracts. I thought you ought to
check them out.
PHYLLIS
Sure.
She takes the papers and starts to rifle through them,
stopping every so often and making a note in the margin. As
she does, we notice that the second and third buttons of her
blouse have come undone and that she is not wearing a bra.
CLOSER ON TED
As he realizes this.
ON PHYLLIS
She glances up to ask Ted a question about some point or
other, notices the direction of his gaze and, unself-
consciously buttons up her blouse.
She goes back to her papers as Ted continues to watch her.
ON PHYLLIS
Not looking up from her papers.
PHYLLIS
Yes.
TED
(baffled)
Yes, what?
PHYLLIS
(looks up, serious)
Yes, I'll have dinner with you.
CUT TO:
INT. TED KRAMER'S BEDROOM LATE AT NIGHT
ON THE BED
Although the room is dimly lit, we can SEE quite clearly
that Ted and Phyllis are in bed together. They have finished
making love and Ted lies back, half asleep. Phyllis reaches
across to the nightstand, puts on her glasses and checks her
watch.
PHYLLIS
Kramer, I've got to go. I've got an
eight o'clock closing tomorrow down
on Centre Street.
TED
(half asleep)
Mmmmnph... I'll get you a cab...
But he makes no move to get up.
Phyllis gets to her feet and in the dim light we can SEE
that, except for her glasses, she is naked.
PHYLLIS
(as she crosses the
hall on the way to
the bathroom)
That's okay. It's just that I've got
these clients that are
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM NIGHT
There is Billy Kramer, standing by the toilet, buttoning his
pajamas. He looks up at Phyllis.
HIS POV
There stands Phyllis, naked as the day she was born, a look
of stunned amazement on her face.
PHYLLIS
(softly to herself)
Oh, God.
Too startled to cover herself.
ON BILLY
He looks her up and down, then:
BILLY
(very serious)
Do you like fried chicken?
ON PHYLLIS
Suddenly remembering to cover herself.
PHYLLIS
(hoping desperately
it is the right answer)
Ah... Yes.
SHOT PHYLLIS AND BILLY
BILLY
So do I...
And he shuffles off to bed. Phyllis waits, frozen until he
disappears into his room. Then, she turns and flees back
into the bedroom.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM NIGHT
ON PHYLLIS
As she bursts into the room, closes the door behind her,
leans against it.
PHYLLIS
(eyes wide)
I just met your son.
ON TED
Who has leapt out of bed and is scrambling into his pants.
TED
Like that?!
Phyllis nods.
TED
And?
PHYLLIS
He wanted to know if I liked fried
chicken.
TED
Do you?
Phyllis nods rather frantically.
TED
(grinning)
So what's your problem?
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN KRAMER APT. EVENING
ON TED AND THELMA
Stand side by side. He is cutting, chopping, making some
kind of stew. Thelma stands nearby watching, sipping a glass
of white wine.
FROM OFF SCREEN we can hear Billy and Kim running around,
playing.
TED
You ever think about getting married
again?
THELMA
No, not really...
(she thinks for a
moment, then:)
I guess it's different if you don't
have children, but... I dunno, even
if Charley and I don't live together,
even if we're sleeping with other
people, even if Charley was to marry
again... He'd still be my husband.
That stuff about "Till death do you
part?" That's really true.
TED
(nodding toward a
cookbook that is
propped open nearby)
How many onions does it say to use?
THELMA
(without bothering to
look in the book)
Three. And add some basil.
TED
(as he does)
D'you think you and Charley'll ever
get back together again?
THELMA
No. I don't think so.
TED
C'mon, Thel. So Charley had a little
fling. So what? All in all he was a
pretty good husband.
THELMA
Look, I know this isn't gonna make
any sense, okay? I mean forget the
logic part... But I keep thinking if
Charley really loved me, he wouldn't
have let me divorce him.
CUT TO:
EXT. CENTRAL PARK DAY
WIDE SHOT
The Saturday Father and his daughter, clearly with nothing
to say to one another, stand eating ices from a nearby vendor.
THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM THEM across to Billy, Ted and
Phyllis. She is dressed in a very nice suit, silk blouse,
high heeled shoes and looks distinctly out of place in Central
Park on a Saturday afternoon.
At the moment, Ted is trying to teach Billy how to bat.
TED
Now look, you hold it like this...
(he places Billy's
hands on the bat
just so)
...and you swing like this...
(taking him through
the motions)
ON PHYLLIS
Watching. She can't believe what she's seeing. Finally, she
can't stand it any longer.
PHYLLIS
(impatient)
No, no, no, Kramer. That's not how
you do it. Look...
She crosses to Billy, gently takes the bat from him and
demonstrates.
PHYLLIS
...you hold it like this...
(showing him her grip)
Farther down the bat. And you swing
like this...
(to Ted)
Throw me one.
ON TED
As he gives Billy a look that says, we have to humor her. He
throws a ball.
ON PHYLLIS
As she swings, connects and slams a ball in a long, looping
fly that goes at least two hundred feet.
ON TED
Watching the ball disappear in the distance, he turns back
to Phyllis, open-mouthed.
CLOSE ON PHYLLIS
Embarrassed, she grins, shrugs and hands the bat back to
Billy.
CUT TO:
INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE DAY
WIDE SHOT
O'Connor, Murray and the Art Director are in O'Connor's office
as the door opens and Ted enters, carrying a pile of papers,
charts, graphs, etc., etc.
TED
Okay, Jim. Here's the report on...
He stops in mid-sentence, looks around.
HIS POV
On the walls are a series of mock-ups of the various Fire
and Ice ads, none of which are what Ted and O'Connor had
agreed upon.
TED
(surprised)
What the hell is this?
O'CONNOR
(innocent)
Murray had some ideas about the Fire
and Ice campaign and he had the art
department make up a few roughs...
(weakly)
I think they're kind of interesting.
TED
(bugged)
I don't. Jim, this isn't anything
like what we talked about. It's not
even close.
MURRAY
(oily)
Ted, basically it's still your
concept.
O'CONNOR
(chiming in)
Murray just added a few things, that's
all.
TED
Now hold it right there, I'm the one
that went in and sold Revlon on this
idea to start with, remember? You
said I was going to be
Sound-effect: The phone rings.
O'Connor picks it up.
ON TED
O'CONNOR
Yeah?
He listens for a moment, then hands the phone to Ted.
O'CONNOR
It's for you.
ON TED
As he takes the receiver.
TED
(puzzled)
Yes?
Then, embarrassed, he turns his back and lowers his voice.
TED
Look, Billy, I told you before, one
hour of T.V. a day, that's the rule...
No...
(clearly, Billy is
giving him an argument)
I don't care what the other mothers
do... Listen, I can't talk now, I'm
in a meeting...
(firm)
Billy, I'll talk to you later, good-
bye.
Note: During the phone call, the CAMERA PANS AWAY to Murray
& O'connor, looks of bored Condescension and smug superiority
on their faces.
Ted hangs up the phone and turns back around.
MURRAY
(smooth)
Ted, I appreciate what you're saying,
but I really think you're just too
close to it right now.
O'CONNOR
(quickly)
Murray's right.
(reassuring)
Look it's just some ideas, okay? I
mean nothing's locked in cement. I
promise you this is your show...
ON TED
Not very reassured.
O'CONNOR
Trust me on this one, Ted...
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM KRAMER APT. NIGHT
Ted is sitting at the dining room table, working. Spread out
all across the table are layouts, rate sheets, etc., etc.
Billy sits across from him drawing on a pad with felt-tipped
pens. HOLD FOR A BEAT, then:
BILLY
(worried about
something)
Mom, I mean dad...
TED
(busy)
In a minute...
beat of silence then:
BILLY
What do you do when an elephant sits
on your fence?
Silence.
BILLY
You get a new fence.
TED
(he hasn't heard a
word)
C'mon, Billy. I'm trying to work for
God's sake...
Another beat of silence, then Billy reaches for his glass of
Hawaiian Punch and accidentally tips it over, spilling purple
liquid across all of Ted's papers.
Instantly, Ted is on his feet, yelling.
TED
Goddamnit, can't you watch what you're
doing!
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
BILLY
(quiet)
I'm sorry.
TED
Je-sus Christ! I catch all kind of
shit at the office because I'm not
pulling my weight because I'm busting
my butt trying to be a decent goddamn
father and
BILLY
I'm sorry.
TED
(sardonic)
That's terrific. That's really
terrific, but I notice I'm the one
that's cleaning up this
(noticing an important
paper covered with
grape juice)
Oh, crap, I'll have to do this one
over.
BILLY
(starting to help)
I'm sorry.
By now there is nothing the boy can do right.
TED
Look, it's after your bedtime, okay?
Just do me a favor and go to bed,
okay?
Billy gets to his feet, collects his stuff and walks into
his bedroom. HOLD ON TED who sits for a moment, then gets
wearily to his feet and as THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM crosses
to the door of Billy's room. He stops in the doorway, looks
OFF SCREEN.
HIS POV
Billy struggling to get his pajamas on, having a hard time.
CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM:
TED
Look, I'm sorry I yelled, okay?
BILLY
(quiet)
That's okay.
TED
It's just... I've been catching a
lot of flack at the office...
BILLY
That's okay...
INT. OFFICE DAY
ON THE DOOR TO O'CONNOR'S OFFICE
As it opens and Phyllis comes out. In the background in
O'Connor's office we SEE O'Connor and Murray, talking,
laughing.
THE CAMERA TRACKS ALONGSIDE Phyllis as she walks to Ted
Kramer's office and opens the door without knocking.
PHYLLIS
How about lunch, Kramer. I'm buying.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN DAY
ON TED AND PHYLLIS
As they sit across from one another. A waiter stands over
them, setting drinks in front of them.
WAITER
Perrier and lime...
(placing a drink in
front of Phyllis)
...and scotch with soda.
(putting Ted's drink
in front of him)
The waiter bustles away.
TED
Okay, Phyllis, what's up?
PHYLLIS
Kramer...
She breaks off, uncertain whether or not to go on. Then,
making up her mind, she reaches across, takes Ted's scotch
and soda and drinks half of it down in one gulp.
PHYLLIS
(in a rush)
O'Connor's out to get you. He's going
to take the Fire and Ice account
away from you.
TED
(stunned)
What?!?
Phyllis nods.
TED
(angry)
I don't believe it! That's crazy!
Why would Jim do something like that?
Phyllis polishes off the rest of Ted's drink.
PHYLLIS
(angry herself)
You want to know why? I'll tell you
why...
(signaling to the
waiter)
Another scotch and soda for the
gentleman.
(back to Ted)
I'll tell you exactly why. Because
you're not his buddy anymore. Because
he can't count on you to sit around
the office every night until eight
or nine and shoot the shit with him.
TED
I can't. I've got Billy to take care
of.
PHYLLIS
(exasperated)
You dope. O'Connor doesn't give a
damn about Billy. All he wants is
somebody that'll hang around with
him every night so he won't have to
go home.
TED
(stiff)
I don't believe you.
The waiter sets Ted's drink on the table in front of him. He
starts to reach for it, but Phyllis is quicker.
PHYLLIS
(taking a stiff drink)
All right. Okay. But tell me
something, Kra |
