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                             NO STRINGS ATTACHED




                                 Written by

                             Elizabeth Meriwether




          INT.. BEDROOM- NIGHT

          EMMA FRANKLIN and ADAM KURTZMAN Naked in bed but covered.in
          sheets. Lying next to each other, but not touching. Emma
          stall has her shoes on.


                         EMMA
          I don't know.

                         ADAM
          What about "Comrades-in-Fuck"?.

                         EMMA
          No.

                         ADAM
          What if we say we're in the Axis of
          Fuck? we formed a Fuck Alliance.
          We're neighbors 'on.. Fuck Street.

                         EMMA
          What's wrong with "buddies'?

                         ADAM
          Who says "buddies"?

                         EMMA
          Yeah, you're right.


          INT. PAVILLION CAMP . WEEHAWKEN-- IGHT-

          1994. A summer camp in- Northern Michigan. It's a dance. An
          over-enthusiastic counselor with a massive boombox stereo.
          Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage" blasts.

          About ten thirteen-year-old boys are lined up along the side.
          'Hair down to their ears and parted in the middle-- little
          versions of Kurt Cobain or Jord Catalano.

          They are staring at a group of dancing girls - In the middle
          is KATIE, the blonde who grew boobs before anyone else. And
          every time she moves; she bounces.                 

                         

                         

                         
          The boys watch her, serious, concentrating. They need to
          remember this for later. Katie continues to bounce- One boy
          suddenly looks down, scared.

                         BOY
          It tickles.

                         OTHER BOY-
          Yeah. It does other stuff.
          But there's a boy on the, edge of the group : A sweet. face, 'and
          you wouldn't be surprised to- find but he's Jewish: A 12 year -
          old, Adam Kurtzman. He's the only boy not looking at Katie.
          Instead, he's staring off in another direction.

          On the other side of the dance floor, next to an 'enormously '
          fat kid, there's Emma. She's an awkward 12. Wearing borrowed
          clothes- a skirt that's a little too long, a top that she
          can't fill out. She's taller than any of the boys. But 
          there's something in her eyes, like she's laughing at
          everything.

          She makes eye,contact with Adam: She squints., He takes -a deep
          breath,. She squints some more. He walks over.-'.

                         ADAM
          Hey. -

                         EMMA
          Hey.
          A 'long' pause'. -They're not looking at each other. Then

                         ADAM
          Do you want to, freak?

          INT. PAV'ILLION-- MOMENTS LATER

          TLC's "No Scrubs." Emma and Adam are freaking awkwardly - Emma
          is too tall and Adam is holding on too tight and just
          bouncing up and down. -

                         ADAM
          You freak, good.

                         EMMA
          Okay.

                         ADAM
          - (singing along with the SONG)
           "No, I don't want no scrubs"--

          3.

                         EMMA
          I don't get it.'

                         ADAM
          Urn. She doesn't want a -scrub;
          Because he's hanging out of his.
          best friend's ride, trying to
          -holler at her.
          Katie, in another part of the dance floor, is in the middle
          of a big freak-sandwich.

                         KATIE

          CAMP RULES!
          Emma scowls at her, looks at Adam.

                         

                         EMMA
          Let's go to the dumpster-

                         ADAM

                         (SURPRISED)
          We're not even going out.

                         EMMA

                         (DEADPAN)
          But I feel like I've known you.my
          whole life.

          EXT. CAMP GROUNDS- NIGHT -

          Emma and Adam awkwardly stand against-the wall near the
          dumpster. There are couples on either side. of them making
          out.
          So.

                         ADAM
          I've enjoyed camp. There's all
          kinds of fun activities. For
          example, I learned how to-archer.

                         EMMA
          That's good. That'll be useful if 
          you ever make a time machine and go
          back'to the medieval ages:-and then
          your-time machine breaks, and you
          get attacked by knights.

                         ADAM
          You're funny. It's weird.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          4.
          'FR+fA�1A
          My life's pretty.fucked ug'.

                         ADAM
          My parents are gettinga divorce..'
          That's why I had-to go--to carp. SO.
          The couple making out next to them rolls over.really close.
          ..Emma pushes them back over.

                         EMMA
          Marriage sucks my ' butt .

                         ADAM
          Yeah. it sucks it. It sucks it. all
          'ni-ight.

                         EE+MA
          People aren't meant to be together
          forever. .'

                         ADAM
          I just want to find a girl Who's
          really nice. And she likes to eat
          hummus.
          Suddenly, another CAPPER  comes up.'

                         CAMPER
          Are. you guys gonna make out?..

                         EMMA
          We just got here.

          CAMPER - 
          Well people are waiting.
          WIDEN TO REVEAL a line of awkwardly coupled Campers waiting =
          to get to the make-out Spot. A boy walks by them from some
          ather'-spot, smelling his  finger.

          EMM.A
          Do you want to-
          Adam leans in and kisses her. with tongue . ' They're both pretty .
          bad..

                         ADAM
          I like frenching with you.

                         EMMA
          Okay.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          5.
          Adam starts crying, trying to hide it.

          EMMA'(CONT'D)..
          Are you crying?

                         ADAM
          Pretty much.'

                         EMMA
          Why are-you crying?

                         ADA
          Because- because camp'-s almost over-

                         EMMA
          Jesus..
          Exwaa pats him a'couple times on the shoulder.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          Look. I'm not really an
          affectionate person.
          Emu a, very uncomfortable, puts her-arm around him. He lets
          her. They.don't look at. each other.

                         ADAM
          Can I finger you?

          . EMMA
          Na.

                         ADAM
          Okay.

          INT. FRAT HOUSE- NIGHT

          200-1. University of Michigan. A big party at a Prat house.,
          Keg.. Christmas lights duct-taped.tci. the wall. reryone's
          wearing "pajamas", which means. underwear.
          Just like the first scene; A. group of guys are.staring at a
          hot blonde.' They. wear boxers and drink beer out,. of plastic

                         CUPS:
          The-hot blonde, KATIE 11, is wearing her sexy-little
          nightgown and dancing to Ontkast's "Miss Jackson-"-

                         KATIE II

                         (SINGING ALONG)
          "I'm sorry Miss Jackson,.I'AM FOR

                         REAL:"

                         

                         

                         

                         

          6.-
          She's dancing with a -hot athletic guy,, SCOTTIE', ..who is trying
          to keep up with her sexy dance. moves,. but is mostly just
          waving his hands in the hair.
          At the edge-of the'group, two guys that don't look,that great
          in their boxers- ADAM, now 21, covered-in hair, and his
          friend,'ELI. Eli stares at Scottie dancing with the hot
          blonde, Adam is too busy kissing VANES,SA, a nice girl.

                         ELI
          I'd like to give her a Roman Face
          Mask.

                         ADAM
          (still kissing .Vanessa)
          i�lhat? 

          .ELI.
          It's where your balls are hanging
          over her eyes and your-dick is
          hanging over her nose. In-the
          manner 'of- a mask. .

                         VANESSA
           Uggh. I'm gonna go get more beer. -

                         ADAM -
          Okay. I want to get'y"ou.wasted"
          tonight.

                         VANESSA
          I'm just getting a beer.
          Vanessa walks away.

                         ELI '
          She's not gonna let-you put it in.

                         ADAM
          And that'.s totally -fine with me.

                         SH
          e thinks sex is more fun when
          you re -in love.
          Eli stares at him, disbelieving. -

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          - 1 don  t know.,She"s from :Canada.
          They don't have guns.. Their
          computers are run 'by tiny mice.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          7.-

                         ELI
          okay, well I'm from the United
          States, and I want to give that
          girl a penis mask.

                         ADAM
          Why? That's not even hot.

                         ELI 
          Um. Yeah it is.

                         ADAM
          You think it's hot to just sit
          there with your penis.on her face?

                         ELI

                         (A BEAT)
          You don't?
          Scottie looks over and smiles at the guys.. One of his nipple
          is slightly' larger and pinks than.the other one.

                         ELI (CONT'D)
          Look. Scottie's got a gay nipple.

                         ADAM
          What do you mean?

                         ELI
          Look at it.

                         ADAM
          Oh yeah. That nipple is definitely
          more gay.= You can tell by the way
          it wants to get legally married to'
          the other nipple.

                         ELI
          .,My dads are gay. I'm not ashamed of

                         (YELLINGOUT)

          I LOVE MY GAY DADS!
          .Some people around him cheer.. Some Frat Boys look over,
          pissed. Adam thinks it's funny, then he sees something.
          ANGLE.ON-- A girt on-the other side of the room. She's the
          only one not wearing pajamas. She wears glasses, jeans, and
          boots. She looks over-at him,.squints.

                         ADAM
          Whoa . I know that, girl.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ELI
          She's got bat.eyes.

                         ADAM
          What?

                         ELI
          She's got angry bat eyes. Like
          staring at you from the dark.
          Its. pretty hot . I'd fuck.a bat. A
          bat in a cave. A hot bat in a cave.
          Adam starts to walk -over to her.

                         ELI (CONT'D)
          You know who else-is hot? Your
          girlfriend.

          INT. ERATHOUSE- CONTINUOUS

          Adam walks up.

                         ADAM
          Hi, T-

                         EMMA
          Hello Adam Kurtzman,. of Camp
          Weehawken: I'm Emma. I held you
          while you cried.,

                         ADAM
          Emma. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. I was
          totally in love with you.

                         ELM
          You were?

                         ADAM
          No. Hi. ,You:'re here. This is crazy.
          Do you go here? 

                         EMMA
          No, I grew,up 20 minutes away.
          Ypsilanti,.Midhigan. The land of my
          birth. 'l go to MIT.

                         ADAM
          Wow. So grew up-to-be a lot smarter
          than nip.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          9.

                         EMMA
          Uh-huh. 'It's scary actually, how
          smart I am. Sometimes my neck gets
          sore because my:brain is so.big.

                         ADAM
          My neck gets sore. when I-eat string,
          cheese. Sometimes.. so what are you'
          doing Here?
          -At a party of Frat.

                         EMMA
          I'm trying,to get someone to rufee
          me'. I keep holding out my cup..

                         ADAM
          I'll rufee.you. I was gonna save it
          for a Freshman but whatever- I'll
          take you out to.the alley,. I'll
          light some candles-
          Some girls near by give Adam a dirty look and walk away.

                         EMMA
          So. Times have changed. We've grown
          up. Do you have -a girlfriend?

                         ADAM
          NO. Yes. Over there. Vanessa. Is
          her name. 
          ANGLE ON- Vanessa, by the beer, talking to a bunch of other
          girls. She sees Adam and makes a kissy-mouth.

                         EMMA
          Oh. The-fat one?

                         ADAM
          What?

                          EMMA
          Look at that McDonald's face.

                         ADAM
          She''s not fat.

                         EMMA
          Why won't she sleep, with .you?

                         ADAM
          What? We. sleep together. All night.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          10.

                         EMMA
          Come on. it's obvious. Look how
          tense your shoulders are. I'd need
          a flashlight to find: your-balls.

                         ADAM
          Whoa.

                         EMMA
          I'm Pre MEd, I'm really comfortable.,
          with talking about the human body,
          and male genitalia in piarticular. S
          could fill, a book with' a.11 the
          dicks -and balls' I've seen.'I'd call
          that book.. "Disks -and Balls".. Or
          "Dicks, Balls, and .Dogs" and'i'd
          ptit -pictures of dogs in it too. 
          (off Adam's look)
          I- don't know, I'm weird, deal with
          it. So why won't she sleep with
          you?

                         ADAM

                         (A BEAT)
          We're waiting till we're ready.

          EMMA.
          What do you need to be ready for?
          The rest of your life? It's just'
          sex, Adam. It's not a marathon.'You
          don't have-to train.

                         ADAM
          Oh yeah. I guess everyone hapsex
          at - MIT.

                         EMMA
          MIT can get crazy Kids are pretty
          much ready to fuck anything-. They
          know that based on attractiveness,
          they're on - the bottom of -the ' -
          biological food chain, so if the'
          opportunity comes along for 
          procreation, they better fucking.
          ridethat shit.

                         (A BEAT)
          What's' up with those boxers?

                         ADAM
          What's'up with your.face?

          . EMMA
          I don't get it.,

                         

                         

                         

                         

          11.

                         ADAM
          It's like, beautiful.

          INT. EMMA' S CAA-- NIGHT

          Emma and Adam are kissing and ripping each other's winter
          jackets off.-Outside the car, it-snows a little.

                         ADAM
          My girlfriend's not fat-

                         EMMA
          Oh- yeah-. she seems great-

                         ADAM
          She is great-
          He rips open her shirt.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          And I feel really'bad about this.
          He puts starts kissing her chest. Then starts coughing.

          ADAM (CONT'D).
          Oh. I got too much boob izi .my
          mouth.

                         EMMA
          Aren't they cool? They move around
          and stuff.

                         ADAM
          You didn't have boobs at Camp.
          Weehawken. Your boobs were still
          little stars in the sky. I had such
          a.big crush-on.you, Jesus.
          Emma starts taking off his pants.

                         EMMA

                         (TRUMPET SOUND)
          Doo-doo-doo. I'll be removing your
          -pants now.
          Adam moves away.

                         ADAM
          Hey. Hey. Actually. I can't do.
          this.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          12.

                         EMMA
          Was the trumpet sound weird?

                         ADAM -
          No. I just-I can't cheat on my
          girlfriend..

                         EMMA
          -Oh. Why not?

                         ADAM
          Because then I turn into.my dad.
          And then.my worst fears have been
          realized. And then that sucks.
          Where do. you go from there? -Once
          your worst :fears have been
          realized. You become Bob. Sagat.. I
          want to. A lot. 'A lot,-alot. But I
          can't. , Is that okay?

                         EMMA
          Yeah, but I'm keeping your pants.

                         ADAM
          Really? '

                         EMMA
          No. Here.
          She gives his pants back.

          EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN CAMPUS- NIGHT- LATER

          Adam and Emma are walking around the campus-'it's a pretty
          winter night, a, little bit of snow. A' drunk kid throwing up.

                         EMMA
          Your dad-was on that show?

                         ADAM
          Yeah.-That's him.

                         EMMA
          I always hated that TV show. T
          think it first came out when I was.
          teething, and I've just always
          associated it' with. pain in my gums.

                         ADAM
          So do you do this stuff all the .
          time? It.'s okay if you 'do, I might.
          call you a ho but it's okay-

                         

                         

                         

                         

          13..

                         EMMA
          No. I don't. But I don't have a
          problem with it.

                         ADAM
          What?

                         EMMA
          The affairs of the. heart. The
          fleeting passions of a drunken
          night.-The wayI .see it we're all
          just these big dumb.. animals. who,
          for the most .part; just want  to 
          have sex with each other.: So maybe
          we should stop beating ourselves up
          for what-we feel and just make
          sweet bone.

                         ADAM
          You make a c ompelling  argument .

                         EMMA
          And also, it's somewhat improbable,
          but I like you.
          Adam beams.

                          EMMA (CONT'D)
          Don't smile. Jesus.

                          ADAM
          What?

                          EMMA
           You want 'to come with me tomorrow?
           I have to go to-this-'stupid thing.

                          ADAM
          Um, I think I... . Yeah. Ii11 go with
          you. ' What is it?

                         EMMA
          Some stupid thing.

          EXT.. GRAVEYARD- DAY

          The next day. Adam. stands next to Emna at a funeral. Everyone
          is wearing black, except.Adam. He's overwhelmed- why the hell
          is he here?
          The people at the funeral are,. on the whole, without style-
          pudgy bodies and sensible shoes.'It's cold out.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          14.
          They are blowing on their hands. Many people are cryin.g.1Emma
          stands next to her mother, SANDRA FRANKLIN., crying hard. Forma
          is- dry-eyed.-

                         '
          A bird shits on the coffin. She's the only one to see it. She
          smiles.

          INT. FRANKLIN HOUSE- LIVING ROOM

          Emma's family' s' small house in Yspilanti. The wake. 'People.
          milling around, talking softly. Lots of six-packs of beer.
           Baked goods. There's an empty, yellow, above-ground pool,.in
          the  backyard .
          Adam-and Emma are.-by the food table, loading up.

                         ADAM '
          What the fuck, what the fuck, what
          the fuck?'

                         EMMA
          You have cookie on your face.

                         ADAM '
          You said "some stupid thing." I
          thought you were getting your hair
          cut.

                         EMMA
          Oh. No.

                         ADAM
          You were burying your father.

                         EMMA
          Yes.
          NEIGHBOR DARIA comes up to-the food table.

          NEIGHBOR.DARIA.
          1 , .'m so sorry Emma. He was such a
          good man. He was always sibi.ling.

                         EMMA
          Yes. That was-probably because he'
          was wasted.

          NEIGHBOR. DARIA
          Well. I wish you could have been
          there to say good-bye. But you were
          at that fancy college, -right?' -

                         

                         

                         

                         

          15.
          Emma looks.-away, we see.for a moment how much pain she's in
          and how hard. she's trying . to .hide it. Adam notices'.

          NEIGHBOR DARIA (CONT'D)
          .And who are you? Are you Emma's
          boyfriend?

                         ADAM
          No. ."11.m just-

                         EMMA

                         HE'S MY--

                         ADAM
          I'm.her.baby--daddy.
          Adam. puts his hand on her stomach. Emma looks up at him,
          getting the joke. Glad to be'saved.

                         ADAM (CONT'-D )
          I shot one past the goalie. So.
          (miming kicking a ball),
          Score!'

                         NEXGHBOR DARIA

                         (SHOCKED)
          I had no idea.

                         ADAM
          But the truth is, I don't even know-
          if it's mine.

                         EM
          Of course i±s his. He'.s the only
          ope I bareback with.

                         NEIGHBOR DARIA

                         (VERY- CONFUSED)
          Well. Oh my.' Congratulations. Aria'
          I'm sorry for your loss.

                         EMMA
          Yeah, thank you for being sorry for
          me. Have a nice day.
          Neighbor Dana walks away. Emma looks at Adam, smiles.

                         EMMA (CON'E'D)
          I wish:I'could take you to a
          funeral'every day.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ADAM
          You should try the Chex Mix.It',s.
          theBold Party Flavor.

                         EMMA
          E3ow-do they make it so bold?

          INT. FRANKLIN HOUSE--LIVING ROOM- LATER

          It's darker now. Less people..Jonah sits uncomfortably on a.
          couch between two enormous fat people, watching Frarna do.the-
          twist with a 6 year old by in a black suit.

          INT. FRAM LTN IN, HOUSE-- HALLWAY-- LATER

          Jonah walks around.-the house- seespictures of Emina and her
          family on, the wall:.
          -A 3-or 4 year old Emma with a pair of - underwear on her 'head.
          -A, picture of the family on Christmas:. Emma has a littlei
          cowboy hat on. Emma's' dad holds a beer and looks -away from".
          the camera, not smiling.
          Adam looks out the window out into the backyard.. Emma is
          walking through the backyard towards her-. mother, who stands
          alone near the above-ground pool.. -

          EXT. F ANELIN BACKYARD- EVENING- CONTINUOUS

          It's cold out.- Emma, ' -now wearing a winter coat, -walks - up to,
          her mother, not quite standing next to her.

                         SANDRA-
          I should've got him to move this
          pool out of here before-he went
          back to the hospital.
          Sandra hands-the bottle to Emma, who takes a swig.

                         EMMA
          What? Yod were going to stop  him
          from dying so he could come home,
          first and lift all the heavy stuff?
          That would'vejustmade him-want-to
          die faster.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          17.

          SANDRA - -
          Emma, I should have called you, I.
          thought he was in remission, and
          then he. just went so quick-

                         EMMA
          It's okay.

                         SANDRA

                         (A BEAT)
          He was a son of a bitch.
          She's crying. Enna looks at her.

                         EMMA
          Yeah. He was not the greatest.-
          (hard to say)
          You should have left.-

                         SANDRA
          I loved hint. Why?

                         EMMA
          Because you're crazy. Because you
          thought he'd change. Because you
          still root for the Tigers.

                         SANDRA
          The Tigers are gonna come back.

                         EMMA
          -Yes..And maybe leprechauns are
          real.

          . SANDRA.
          You don't believe in anything
          hopeless, Emma?

                         EMMA
          The Toothfairy. And paying off my
          student loans.-Are you gonna come
          back inside-,-Mom? Because it's kind
          of depressing in there.- It's like.
          somebody died.

                         SANDRA
          Yes. I think I will go back in. -You
          know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
          get-so drunk I can't walk and then
          I.'m gonna watch "Bambi" and cry for
          a couple hours.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         EMMZ
          It's good to have a plan.

          TNT. FRANKLIN HOUSE- LIVING ROOM- LATER.'
          /'Bai2?b1 " is on the TV.
          Sandra watches, drunk and sobbing. Adam is also crying,
          harder than, Sandra. Beer cans all around.

                         SANDRA- 

                         (THROUGH TEARS)
          Look at his little his face-

                         ADAM- 

                         (THROUGH TEARS)
          His little deer paws-
          Emma, sandwiched between them, dry-eyed.

          IN . EMMA'S CAR- LATER THAT NIGHT'
          In front of Adam's dorm. Adam stands on the 'street, looking
          in the car- window. 

                         EMMA
          Id say- we should hook up or 
          something, but I've gotta get back'
          before Mom watches "Terms of
          Endearment."

                         ADAM
          No- I' get it.

                         EMMA
          I'm glad you came.

                         ADAM
          is it weird if during most of-your
          father's funeral,, i. was thinking
          about' you naked?
          Ewa smiles and starts the car.

           ADAM '(CONT' D )
          So should 1.1±k6 call you or-
          Adam, you're wonderful, I hope I
          never see you 'again.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          19.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          (a beat) 
          Have fun with McDonald's Face.
          As.she drives away:-

                         ADM
          She works out all the time. All the
          tine.

          -TNT. GENERIC LIVING ROOM- DAY
          A brightly- lit living room. A spunky 30-something woman
          stands with her hand on her hip.. A large, unattractive, 40-
          something man:looksat her with a guilty look on his face.

                         'WIFE
          Honey, why did I. find a broken
          blender in my.herb garden?

                         HUSBAND
          I don't know what you're growing

                         OUT THEREL
          A roar of laughter.
           WIDEN TO REVEAL- We're on the set. of a Sit-Com inside .a sound
          stage..Los Angeles. 2007.
          Standing next to the bleachers filled with audience are
          writers and exec utives=-'baseball hats, sneakers, the
          occasional suit. They're.all laughing and slapping each other
          high-fives.
          Further off to the side, A CHILD-ACTOR sits in a 'canvas
          chair,. punching keys on a blackberry. Adam, wearing a head-
          set phone and carrying a clipboard,: stands. next to the chair,
           looking over - at the. group. of laughing men.

          CHILD ACTOR 
          Can'you get me a no whip .skim
          latte?

                         ADAM
          Yes. I may.

                         CHILD ACTOR
          (back to the blackberry)
          You're... so... awesome.-

                         ADAM
          Oh wow, thank ..you. Yeah. ,That means
          a lot.. Let's-be best friends
          forever.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          20..

          INT. ALVIN KORTZMAN'S HOME-- DAY

          Adam-walks through his Dad's huge house. Cold, impressicply.
          decorated.

                         ADAM
          Dad? is

          ALVIN (O.S.
          O.ut  here l
          Adam walk's 'out to the pool area. It's gorgeous-. A"massive'
          blue swinmiing pool, against the backdrop of the.-Hills. It's
          perfectly decorated= the pool chairs, the swim-iup bar, -the
          fancy grill. But it's too clean. It's like no.one.'s ever-,.-used,
          the furniture. -

          EXT. ALVIN'S POOL- DAY

          ALVIN KURTZMAN, 58, tan, wearing a:form-fitting switsuit and
          flexing. his stomach muscles. Flex. Release. Flex.Release.
          Adam sits awkwardly on a sleek pool chair, :watching.
          Release.
          i .

                         ADAM
          Wow, I,. should come over and wash my
          clothes-on your wasbboarcl. abs . 

                         ALVIN
          Hit me in the stomach.

                         ADAM
          Really? You want me to punch you in 
          the stomach so'you can-show me how
          ripped you' are but it's going to
          fucking.hurt my hand?

                         ALVIN
          Yeah.

                         ADAM '
          Yeah, sounds great.
          Adam punches him in the stomach.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)

                         AAAAH‚

                         ALVIN
          Let's get some ice on that.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          21.

          INT. ALVIN'S KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER

          A sleek, modern, black -and chrome kitchen.. Just as clean and
          unused. Adam nurses his hand with an ice-pack. Alvin rolls a
          joint with amazing precision and expertise.. No. mess.

                         ALVIN
          Hey, it's not what you want to be
          doing after college, but,you have
          to start somewhere. I spent the
          first yearI was out here buying
          horse tranquilizers for Judy'
          Garland.'

                         ADAK
          I.know-. I've seen the pictures.

                         ALVIN
          How's your mom?

                         ADAM
          Oh,she's clinically depressed. But
          it looks like she might start'
          knitting.So.
          Alvin lights up the-joint.

                         ALVIN -
          Good, good. Are you having sex with
          anyone?

                         ADAM
          In my mind?

                         ALVIN 
          How long has it been?

                         ADAM
          Since Vanessa. 8 months.
          Alvin offers him the joint.. Adam takes it:

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          But I've been masturbating like my
          hands-axe made of Vasoline and
          someone just took my paints. So.
          Things'are looking up. It's.good to-
          see you Dad.
          Adam sucks on the joint.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          22.

                         ALVIN
          Okay. Here's the deal. I'm dating
          Vanessa.
          Adam stares., shocked, holding the pot 'smoke''ixi: his 'lungs.

          INT. ALVIN' S KITCHEN-' MOMENTS LATER -,

          Adam is punching Alvin. repeatedly in the stomach.

                         ADAM
          owl-owl OW! OW!

          INT. ALVIN'S LIVING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

          Adam sitsona black leather couch with two bags of ice.on
          either hand.
          Alvin lies stretched out on. the floor. 'He's' on his side In
          front of Adam, smoking the joint and doing slow leg lifts.-

                         ALVIN
          I ran into her again at a'party. We
          just started talking. About you
          actually. Hey.kiddo. Kiddo?
          Adam says nothing, does. nothing.,

                         ALVIN (CONT'D)
          I know you guys went out  for a

                         WHILE-

                         ADAM
          Four years.

                         ALVIN
          Four years. Okay. Yes. A'couple
          years. But you've been broken up
          for a year now.

                         ADAM
          8 months.

                         ALVIN
          Okay, but she said for the last
          year, you were barely. having sex. '
          Adam's, in agony, but he's trying not to'-let it show.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          23.

                         ALVIN (CONT'D)
          She said you weren't that attentive
          to her needs? You told her you'd
          only go down on her if it was her.
          birthday? Kiddo, ' just ''ask 'ine if
          you've got questions. I hav.e.years
          of experience. Tf there's one thing
          you-learn after two failed
          marriages, -it's how to eat kitty.

                         (ACTUALLY SERIOUS)
          Look. I know I'm .not the best. Dad.
          But I care about her: And I've
          always believed that the worst
          thing you can do. in this .life is
          say no to love. Right kiddo?

          INT. ADAM'S CAR-- ' NIGHT

          Adam's alone, in his parked car. He screams.

          INT. ACE OF SPADES- NIGHT

          'A dive bar. Juke box. Eli., Scottie are sitting around Adam.
          Scottie looks great. Eli wears 'a Jamba Juice uniform.

                         ELI
          At-least I know my gay dads aren't
          going to eat out my ex--girlfriend.

                         SCOTTIE
          Drink this.
          - .Scottie puts a shot in front-of him. Adam downs it.

                          SCOTTIE (CONT'D)
          Are you okay?

                         ADAM
          Yeah I'm fine.

                         ELI -
          Because you've got'a weird look in
          your eyes. I'm gonna-be honest, you
          look like Christian Slater."
          Adam dbwns"another shot.,

                         ADAM
          I.'m totally. ,fine.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          '24.

                         ELI
          No, no, stop. being so nice.
          Seriously. Remember when:I.-.stole
          your inhaler as a joke, arid. you ,
          almost died and you didn't yell at'-
          me. What did you do?.

                         ADAM
          I threw your toothbrush in the
          toilet.

                         ELI
          You should've just yelled at me.
          You've got to let some of this
          stuff out,.
          Scottie-puts another shot in front of Adam; Adam dawns it.

                         ELI (CONT'D)
          You. broke' up a year ago.

                         ADAM
          8 months.

                         ELI
          -You broke up 8 months" ago. and now
          she's-dating' your father: What, are .
          you going to-do about it?

                         ADAM
          I'm going to get wasted..:

                         ELI
          Perfect.-

                         ADAM
          And then I'm going to puke in that
          trash--can. outside.

                         ELI -
          That's a fantastic idea.

                         ADAM
          And then I'm going. to call every
          girl in my phone and tell them,.all.
          the things-I remember about
          Vanessa.

                         SCOTTIE
          No, dude--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          25.

                         ELI
          That's the: worst idea, I've .ever
          heard, and we're behind you 100
          percent.

          EXT. OUTSIDE ACE OF SPADES- NIGHT

          Adam, holding onto a trash can-for :support, talks.- into his
          phone.

                         ADAM

                         (SLURRING DRUNK)
          Gretchen! Hey! What'sup Gretch!
          Eli and Scottie watch, worried.

                         ELI
          He`s at G.  

                         SCOTTIE
          Who's Gretchen?

                         ELI 
          It might, be his cousin.

                         ADAM
          (into phone)'
          You smell so good, Gretchen. I'm
          gonna make you a sandwich. Of my
          body.

                         (A BEAT)
          Okay. Put your. mom on the phone.
          Scottie tries -to take away his phone. Adam fights'back.

                         SCOTTIE
          Give me your phone dude-
          He drunkenly lashes out at Scottie.,

                         ADAM

                         (SCOTTISH ACCENT)
          ,You'll never take my freedom-

                         ELI

                         (TO SCOTTIE)
          Socttie, we gotta let thisplay
          out. Just let it play out.

                         SCOTTIE
          No,.I think I got it-_

                         

                         

                         

                         

           26..

                         ADAM
          (Scottish).
          1 came to.Scotland to raise cropsi
          and God willing, a family-
          out of nowhere., Scottie jumps on Adam, he's -taken down-1

          EXT. A LIVING ROOM- MORNING

          Adam is lying face down on a bed. He opens his eyes . ' Bright
          sun. He has no idea where he is. It''s a living-room of a
          small apartment. There are boxes everywhere. Nothing. on the
          shelves,. sparse furniture.

          WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
          There's Advil on the table.
          Adam gets up, in a lot of pain,rand heads over to the Advil.

                         ADAM
          I don!t'know who you are. Are you
          pretty? It doesn'tmatter if you're
          pretty. You can be ugly, I'm still
          gonna call you tomorrow,' don't
          worry about it. I'm gonna take you
          out.. I'm gonna pay for everything-
          Emma comes out of the bathroom in a'towel and shoes,.drying
          her hair. -

                         EMMA
          I'm gorgeous.
          Adamlooks at her,.amazed.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          You called me last night :and asked
          if I would fight to get the English
          out of Scotland..'

                         ADAM
          You don't live . in LA'.

                         EMMA 
          I've been living here 'fot ' 4 8 . hours .
          You were throwing up for three of
          them. I've never seen anyone puke
          like you puked. You  puked .with
          passion.. It was like watdhiiig
          Faulkner write "As.I Lay Dying."

                         I 

                         

                         

                         

                         

          - 27.

                         ADAM
          You're not wearing clothes.

                         EMMA
          Neither axe you.

                         ADAM
          Did you take advantage of'me?

                         (A BEAT)
          -I hope you took advantage.of me.

                         (A BEAT)
          Will you take advantage of me?
          Emma just looks at him, it's not clear what she's thinking.

          ADAM (CONT'D).
          Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm, like, in my
          underwear.and I'm hitting on you,
          that's so gross, who am I? I don't
          even know you that well-.1-mean I
          went to your dad's funeral, but
          other than that-
          Emma's lips are on his.

          INT. - EMMA' S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER

          They-are'making out and talking in between kisses.

                          ADAM
          My dad's dating my.ex-girlfriend-

                         EMMA
          You told me last night-

                         ADAM
          I did? Did I tell you in a funny
          way? Was X kind 'of charming and
          funny?

                         I EMMA
           No you were crying and covered in
          vomit.

                         I ADAM

                         YOUR BREA
          pts are like 'little elf mountains';:

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER

          Adam's ripping through an unpacked box, excited.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          28.

                         ADAM
          Condoms, condoms, condoms-

          EMMA.'S VOICE (O.S.)
          They're in,the box, down by the-

          ADAM .
          It's like an Easter Egg hunt. But
          ' we're ,not celebrating Christ !

          EMMA (O.S.)
          Inside the box there's ..a box-
          Adam takes out a large vibrator, the "rabbit",.

                         ADAM
          If some guy had a dick,like this,
          you would be like: Why does your
          dick have rabbit ears?,

          EMMP.(O.S.)
          Is there a Rite Aid bag?,.
          ,Adam takes out a couple books.

                         ADAM
          00, "Snow Falling on Cedars "- what
          did you think of that?

          EMMA (O.S.)
           Jesus.
          Ema, naked, runs past him, grabs a string of condoms and
          runs back to the bed. He gets up and chases her.

                         ADAM
          Those are for, me! You don't get to
          wear one of those!

          INT. EMMA' S BED- MOMENTS LATER

          Adam and Emma are -having sex.

                         ADAM
          Wow.

                         EMMA '

                         YEAH--

                         ADAM
          It feels like your vagina- is
          shaking hands with my, penis,

                         

                         

                         

                         

          29.

                         EMMA
          Is that a..good thing?.

                         ADAM
          Yes. Yes -it is.
          JUMP CUB-. In a .different position.

                         EMMA
          You have a weird sex face.

                         ADAM
          .What's my sex face?

                         EMMA
          I don't know- it's like Richard.
          Nixon and Dan Rather and someone
          having an asthma attack..
          ANGLE ON- His sex face, it does look. like that.

                         ADAM
          Flip it?

                         EMMA
          Affirmative.
          They flip so 'she's on top.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          Look, I'm riding you like a sled.

                         ADAM
          Um. Whee! Ow. Do you want to take
          your shoes off?

                         EMMA
          I never take my-shoes oft. What if
          there's a nuclear attack?

                         ADAM
          The shoes aren't gonna help.

                         EMMA
          What if-someone breaks into my
          apartment, holds me at gunpoint and
          says: You must run hurdles.

                         ADAM
          I'm gonna cum.

                         EMMA
          That's bullshit.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          30.

                         ADAM
          Fine. But you have about-45 seconds
          to get your shit together.

                         EMMA
          Fine.

                         ADAM
          Fine.

          INT.EMMA'S BED- 45 SECONDS LATER

          Adam has his 'hands out in the iconic Nixon pose, peace
          fingers on both hands and makes weird sounds like Nixon
          having an orgasm.-. (Whatever that. sounds like.) 1 -

          INT. EMMA'S BED- MOMENTS LATER

          They are lying in "bed; after the fact. It's a iittle..awkward.

                          EMMA
          Let's.not do the Richard Nixon
          thing again.

                         ADAM
          No.

          .EMMA
          It feels wrong.

                         ADAM
          it was a .mistake.
          .(a beat)
          Should we-cuddle or something?

          EMMA .
          I don't think so.

                         ADAM
          I just like to-cuddle otherwise I
          feel cheap.
          Emma starts getting dressed- all business.

                         EMMA 
          I don't really do relationships.
          I've tried and I'm not. good at it.
          After a couple months ,  my throat -
          starts to constrict and the walls
          start throbbing.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          31.

                         ADAM
          Like a peanut - allergy. -

                         ELA
          Yeah, like an emotional peanut
          allergy.

                         ADAM'
          What's an "emotional peanut"? Ha,
          ha.

                         EMMA
          You're on the rebound, you. should
          be having meaningless yet sate .sex
          at every free moment of the day.
          You need another relationship like
          you need someone to jump :out of
          that closet'and throw-a brick-at
          your head.

                         ADAM
          Oh my god, is that going, to. happen?

                         EMMA
          Look, I'm attracted to you---

                         ADAM
          And I of you. To you.

                         EMMA
          I'm going to be working 14 hour
          days and I just need someone who's
          going to be there at'2am, in.my '
          bed, and who.I don't have to lie to
          or eat breakfast with-

                         ADAM
          I hate breakfast. And lying. And
          also war.

                         EMMA
          We need.to-make some ground rules.

          INT.  EMMA' S CAR- DAY

          Emma is driving Adam home. She still has her Dad's car.

                         EMMA
          Don't call me in the middle-of the -
          day to tell me you were "just
          thinking about me." No buying me
          things. No crying. No jealousy.

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          32.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          Nolong silences where we're
          looking into each other's' eyes.. No
          fighting.- No telling m e that I have
          problems with communicating my
          feelings. Because I know t do. I
          -don't need you to tell me that I
          do.

                         ADAM
          Uh- don't sleep with-my dad.

                         EMMA
          No stealing.

                         ADAM
          Stealing?
          I dated.'a guy who pathologically
          stole stuff out of my apartment and
          then' brought it .back the ' nest d ay
          and apologized.

                         ADAM
          Okay,'so the bar is really-high
          here.

                         EMMA
          Don't ask me about my past-
          relatioziships or my hopes and
          dreams for the future.

                         ADAM
          II don't care about your hopes and
          -dreams.

                         EMMA
          I don't care about yours. No'
          flowers.

                         ADAM
          I'm scared of flowers..

                         EMMA -
          Try to avoid being weak or
          vulnerable in front of me. Don't
          tell me about all'the weird things
          you think about when'you''re alone.
          Don't talk about your childhood.
          Don't forward me things..

                         ADAM
          Don't do that passive aggressive
          shit. Like "Oh I'm:-not upset.„

                         

                         

                         

                         

          33.

                         ENMMA
          Oh Ihate that shit.

                         ADAM -
          Don't ask me what I think about
          your body.

                         EMMA
          what do you think about my body?

                         ADAM -
          I think-it's great.

                         EMMA
          Thanks. Don't go pee--pee in  front
          of me.

                         ADAM
          Don't ever saypee-pee again. Don't
          talk' about how hard it is to be a
          woman. Because it's'not.

                         EMMA
          Don't-list me as your Emergency
          Contact, because I .Won't".come. This
          one?
          She pulls in front of a house. Stops the car.

                         ADAM
          Yeah. Don't say my penis is "cute".
          Even if- my penis is ' dressed up like
          a Care Bear and it's giving.you a
          care--stare .

                         EMMA
          Please don't dress up you$ penis.
          Ever.

                         -ADAM
          Yeah, that makes sense.

                         EMMA
          And wedo this until one of us
          starts feeling something more and
          then we say good-bye.

                         ADAM-
          Well it won't be me.

                         EMMA
          Okay.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          34.

                         ADAM
          (after a beat)
          So you want to come in?
          (THE FOLLOWING SECTION- Short scenes maybe with music
          underneath, kind of like a montage.'.. I don't know)

          INT ADAM'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS TITER.
          Adam and Emma are happily going at :it.

                         ADAM
          Sex is so great.

                         EMMA
          Sex is so great!
          Emma goes down on him.

                         ADAM
          You're blowing me! That's great!
          Emma looks up at him.

                         EMMA
          Your dick tastes like ma tzo.

                         ADAM
          Really? I should call my mom.'

                         EMMA
          Yeah, let-'s call your mom. Oh wait,
          I'have your dick in my mouth.-

                         ADAM
          What else does,it.taste like?

                         EMMA
          I don't know-; 'let me see.;
          Siie'.goes back down to check' it out. -Then comes back up.

                         EMMA {CONT'D)
          A hint of oakiness Some.earth
          tones.

                         ADAM
          That's fascinating.

                         EMMA
          I go on dick tasting touts of Nappa:
          Valley.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          35.
          She goes back down, Adam starts clapping in rhythm-like'he's
          at a. sports game.

          INT. ADAMS BEDROOM-- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER

          Emma looks down. Adam comes up.

                         ADAM
          You taste like candy canes and

                         SUNSHINEL
          Emma laughs.

          INT. ADAM'S KITCHEN- NIGHT

          Emma and Adam both wasted, making out. Sloppy. Just basically
          licking each other's faces. Emma is, sitting in the sink with
          her feet hanging down.Eli walks in.

          ELI,
          Oh. Hey guys. That's actually a
          sink used for washing things.
          Adam doesn't stop kissing her; just: picks' her up and walks
          her out of the room. -

                         EMMA
          (still kissing Adam
          Hey Eli.

                         ELI
          I can't focus on my porn when
          there's so much real sex going on
          around me.

                         ADAM
          (still kissing Emma)
          Bye Eli.

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Adam chases her" around the room with her bra tied around his
          head- the cups stick up like cat ears.

                         ADAM -
          Uh-oh, Bra-ears. Bra-ears,..
          Emma screams and laughs and runs away from him.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM= NIGHT

          In the middle of sex, hot and heavy'. Joanh calls out:

                         ADAM
          Oh. god, I love you!' j �

                         (A BEAT)
          Just kidding!

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM-'NIGHT

          Emma wears nothing but her doctor's; jacket . - Adam wears- )iriefs
          and a cool Bas-style jacket. -

                         ADAM
          I've never really done role'-play
          before. What do I do?

                         EMMA
          I don't know. I think we :just
          start.

                         ADAM
          okay.
          He does something with his hands.

                          ADAM-(OONT'D)

                         (WOODEN DELIVERY)
          Oh no Doc-

                         EMMA
          What are you doing?

                         ADAM
          Some mime work.

          EMMA.
          You don't have to -do that'..

                         ADAM
          You don't- think so?

                         EMMA
          No. I don't think it'-s necessary to
          the scene..

                         ADAM
          Okay. -Re-do. Um, sans mime.
          Adani puts his -hands on his hips.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          37.

          ADAM! (CONT'D)

                         (WOODEN DELIVERY)
          Oh no Doc. We're running out of
          giggawatts.
          Emma puts her hands on her hips.

                         EMMA
          Hey McFly.

                         ADAM
          What Doc?
          Emma climbs on the bed.

                         EMMA
          There's only one thing to-do.

                         ADAM
          What is that?

                         EMMA
          I think you better get in the De
          Lorean.

                         ADAM
          Yes. I think I will.
          He does.

          ADAM (CONT'D) .

                         (WHISPERED)
          This is so'hot..

          INT. E.MMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Emma and Adam are watching TV in their underwear, but sitting,
          in different chairs,. eating snacks.: An older-sitcom comes on.
          A younger Alvin is on screen. with a';bad hair cut.

          EMMA.
          Is that your dad?

                         ADAM
          Yeah.

                         EMMA
          He's so-attractive.

                         ADAM
          I hate you.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          38.

                         EMMA'
          I'd like to put him in a !bucket and
          have sex with the bucket-.-

                         ADAM
          Seriously. You're a terrible
          person.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          They're having sex in a weird position.

                         EMMA
          So what do you do for, a 1ivin4?

                         ADAM
          Coffee. I get coffee for 'a I0 'year
          old girl.
          Cool.

                         ADAM
          I want to do stand-up.

                         EMMA
          So do it.

                         ADAM
          I'm too scared.

                         EMMA
          Why?

                         ADAM -
          I can't-feel my legs.
          JUMP CUT- Adam-doing some stretches:

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          My cholesterol levels have really'
          been going down.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT


                         ADAM
          Am I just a body to yoa?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          39.

                         EMMA
          Yeah. You're my renewable; source of
          dick. -Your dick is,powering 5 of my
          lightbulbs.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          After the fact. Adam is looking through her i-pod.

                         ADAM
          You have the worst- taste in music I
          have ever seen. Seriously.- You're
          like a teenage girl. You're like a
          tween.

                         EMMA
          What's wrong, with ,it?
          He presses a button pn her i-pod and "Since U Been Gone" by
          Kelly Clarkson comes on.

                         ADAM
          I don't know if you know, this, but
          one day, I'm gonna beta big Star.
          He starts. to dance around.4nd mime a mike. -

          EMMA.
          No.

                         ADAM

                         (LIP-SYNCHING)
          "Here's the thing, we started out
          friends, but it was-all pretend,
          yeah, yeah, since you been gone..."

                         EMMA
          Stop. Stop. This is like my- worst
          nightmare.
          He- gets more and more into it, dancing arouund.

                         ADAM

                         (LIP-SYNCHING)
          "And all you ever hear me say is
          how I picture me with you-, that's
          all you ever hear me say-" 
          Suddenly, Eauna Jumps up on the bed and goes. nuts.

                         

                         

                         

                         

           - 40.

           EMMA AND ADAM'

                         (LIP-SY NCHING)

          "BUT SINCE YOU BEEN GONE!I'CAN

           BREATHE' FOR THE FIRST TIME 1

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          After the fact. They're lying there happy,-but not touching.

                         ADAM
          Did we invent-being "fuckbuddies"?

                         EMMA
          No.

                         ADAM
          Who invented it?

                         EMMA
          I don't know. The cavemen?

                         ADAM 
          Like.one caveman texted the other,
          caveman: "Where are you?". And . she-
          was like: "In the cave. Smiley
          face."

                         EMMA
          Yeah and then they did it.

                         ADAM
          Probablq;doggy-style.

                         EMMA
          Definitely. And.-then he was like:
          I'm gonna go spear some pre- '
          historic hog. And she was-'like:
          Cool, I'm-gonna have a kid and pick-
          a lot of berries.

                         ADAM
          That's beautiful.

                         EMMA
          Yeah, it's really sweet.'

          INT. EMMA'S HALLWAY- NIGHT

          Emma, in her scrubs, falls asleep on: Adam's shoulder with-her
          .key, in the look.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          41.

                         ADAM
          Hey.
          Emma makes a little sleep sound.

                         EMMA

                         (HALF-ASLEEP)
          Are -we having sex?

                         ADAM

                         (SOFT)
          Yeah. Big time.

                         I
          Adam, props. her up against him, opens the door, walks her over
          to the bed. He lies. her down in the bed. Covers her.up. Turns
          out, the light. Leaves..

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Emma is in.sweat pants,'popping Advil. Adam is eating pizza.

          EMMA - .
          I'm on the rag.

                         ADAM
          Yeah. I figured that out.:

                         EMMA
          (sharp).'
          Why- do I look bad?

                         ADAM
          Noi You look. Fantastic. Maybe it's
          just the way you're eating Advil
          like it's a bag of M&Ms.

                         EMMA
          You don't'have to be here.

                         ADAM
          Baby, you're a'-woman, and:I think
          that's a beautiful thing.'
          (putting his hand on her

                         STOMACH) -
          Hello ovaries, I'm Adam. It sounds
          like.you're pretty busy in there
          doing all the things you do-

                         EMMA
          Sheddirig the lining of the uterine
          walls.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          42. -

                         ADAM
          Shedding-the ew of the-e', ew. But -
          hurry up and finish soonl

                         EMMA
          Oh my god.

          INT.' UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- HANDICAP BATHROOM-- DAY

          Adam follows Emma are going at it in the handicap bathroom at
          the hospital- Eim a wears scrubs. Adams still holding a ';tray
          of Coffee Bean coffees'and someone's dry cleaning.'

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- OUTSIDE' BATHROOM

          An old man is in a wheelchair is listening outside the doors
          He's ' excited- his leg starts to uncontrollably shake. A :ntrse

                         NURSE
          Hers seizing-.he's seizing up-

          INT. ADAM'S HALLWAY- DAY

          Adam opens his doorr, brushing his teeth. Emma'stands at his
          door with her coat on.'

                         ADAM 
          .You just left.

                         EMMA
          I know.

                         ADAM'
          (as he's kissing'her)
          Is this against the rules'? Is'there.
          breakfast anywhere on you? Are you
          a breakfast smuggler?.-

                         EMMA

                         (KISSING HIM)
          Good, now I don't have to-'brush my 
          teeth..

          INT.- EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Emma is asleep_ Adam.is watching her. The gray he's..watching
          her looks like it might be breaking. a' rule.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          43.

          INT. EMMA'.S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Adam is asleep. Emma is watching hiin. She realizes she's been
          .watching him, looks up at the ceiling. A little worried.
          THIS IS THE END OF WHATEVER MONTAGE-'y THING JUST VENBD  .

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY

          The ER. Emma walks down the-hallway' with-SUMAIRE, a male-
          resident, and CONNIE, a'female resident, eating chips. They
          are all wearing scrubs covered in blood.

                         SUMAIRE
          He sleeps with other people?

                         EMMA
          I don't know. I don't ask.

                         CONNIE
          Don't. you want someone'you can rake
          leaves with? And.you're like: "Brr,
          it's cold. Let's go makesome hot
          coco." And he's like: "O1 baby,
          that's.so cute, I respect your
          body."

                         EMMA
          Hm. No.

                         SUMAIRE
          I guess my wife is kind of my
          'fuckbuddy.. 'Except we don't have
          sex. And we're not friends.

                         CONNIE
          I don't buy it. You can't sleep
          with someone and not'feel.
          something! Come on! Don't you
          always feel something?
          Emma and Sumaire look at her, thinking.

                         EMMA
          Uh-uh.'.

                         SUMAIRE

                         (OVERLAPPING)
          No, definitely. not.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         CONNIE
          Wow. I.feel like Cindy Lou Who. I'm
          like-"Have some milk and cookies,
          because I still believe.

                         EMMA
          (pointing to her scrubs)
          You've got some-brain on you.
          Connie flicks. it on Sumaire.

                         SUMAIRE'
          That's so immature. You're so
          immature.
          He immediately. sticks it on Emma's fair and-runs away.

                         EMMA
          I have brain on my hair, don't I?.
          Connie nods. DR. HENRY METZNER, still good-looking", ixi his
          fifties, walks by.

          DR. METZNER
          Need you guys back out' there
          They immediately straighten up, he's the boss. He and Emma
          make eye contact. She squints.

                         CONNIE'
          Of course.

                         EMMA

                         YEAH--=

                         CONNIE
          We were just trying to bring some
          fun into our work day. Like on
          Grey's Anatomy?

          DR." METZNER

                         (A BEAT)
          Need you guys back out there.
          (to Emma as he's -walking

                         AWAY)
          You have brain on your hair.

                         CONNIE
          I.hate'him. And I kinda want to do
          him. But I kinda just -want to go. to

                         SLEEP;

                         

                         

                         

                         

          45.

                         EMMA
          (staring after him)
          Yeah.

                         CONNIE
          So what does this guy do?

                         EMMA
          Adam? I don't really know'.

          TNT. COMEDY CLUB- NIGHT
          Adam walks out on'stage up to the mike. He's completely
          uncomfortable. People are talking, sounds of glasses.

                         ADAM
          (into the mike,. too

                         'SOFTLY)
          Hello Los Angeles.
          Scottie, Emma,-Eli and JIM and HAROLD are watching.

                         ELI -
          (whispered to Emma)
          These are my two gay Dads

                         EMMA

                         I'M EMMA-
          Jim and Harold wave back.
          on stage, Adam adjusts the mike-' he has huge pit stains.

                         ELI-
          Look at that sweat.

                         JIM
          Oh T thought the shirt had stripes.

                         EMMA
          Wow. I never really see him in
          clothes.
          Everyone looks.,at her.

          ADAM ' '

                         (INTO MIKE)
          Hey, do you guys think, it 's racist
          that they're called "blackberries".?
          No one laughs. Emma cringes. A black; person looks. really
          offended.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          46.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)

                         (INTO MIKE)
          Okay. So. I guess it's just Inge.

                         ELI
          This is not going to be good.

                         SCOTTIE
          Maybe you could distract him and I
          could run up and take 'the mike? i

                         ELI
          Yeah, we could pretend to'be
          bandits.

                         ADAM

                         (INTO MIKE)
          Women.huh? They like to shop.

                         ELI
          That's fresh-territory. That's
          really edgy.

                         ADAM
          (into mike, wooden)
          My wife, she likes to-shop. Oy.

                         EMMA
          what?

                         HAROLD
          Does he have a wife?

                         ELT'
          Of course. he doesn't. have :a -wife.
          Look at him.

          ADAM - '
          -(into mike)
          I tell her: Hey, I wish you would
          diet as much. as you-shop.
          .No one laughs. A fat woman looks, rea=lly offended.-.

                         FAT WOMAN
          Eat my ass.-
          She throws a piece of food at him. ..He catches it.

                         ADAM

                         (INTO MIKE)
          Oh.. Wow. This is- this is .a
          Jalapeno Popper.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          47.
          She throws another one at him.' He catches it.

          ADAM (CONT ` D )
          Hey, I'd like a beer.
          Some people: actually chuckle. Adam is' surprised, but it feels
          good.
          Then a beer comes out of nowhere and hits him in the head.

          INT. COMEDY CLUB- LATER

          They're all sitting around the table in-silence.- Adam is
          holding an ice-pack to his head.

                         ELT
          You asked her to throw a "beer at�
          you. -

                         EMMA
          Why did'you say you had a wife?

                         ADAM
          1-don't know. Because people make
          jokes about their.wives. -

                         EMMA
          Why don't you just talk about your
          real life? -

                         ADAM
          Because I suck.

                         EMMA
          You don't suck. Just.keep doing it.

                         ELI'
          You sucked. Tell me the next time
          you do stand-up and I'11see if I
          can get myself arrested first.

                         HAROLD
          Thanks for being friends with Eli,
          I know it can't be easy.

                         JIM
          We're going to the bar.

                         ELI
          Dad?
          Jim and Harold both turn around.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          48.

                         JIM/HAROLD
          .Yeah?

                         ELI
          Nothing. I just like when you do
          that.
           Hey,' I'm getting you a beer. 'Lou
          should be drunk when that'woman
          comes back and sits on you.-
          Emma leaves with them.

                          SCOTTIE
          So you guys aren't really-going
          put?.

                         ADAM
          No. We don't have.time to�go out,
          we're too busy having Sex. '

                         SCOTTIE
          Well do you think I ask her out?'

                         ADAM
          What?

                         SCOTTIE
          Because you're not really. going
          out.

                         ADAM
          Look at you, you could hasre sex
          with any girl in this bar, and-look
          at me- It's like you're taking food
          out of the hands of a starving
          child. Shit. Come on Scottie.-

                         SCOTTIE
          What? I just think she's great.
          They both look over to the  bar . En ma sees Adam, smiles r holds.
          up a beer. -  -

                         EMMA

                         CATCH L
          Adam ducks.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)

                         (LAUGHING)
          Just kidding.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          49.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- LATER

          Adam and Emma are both taking off their clothes, on either
          side of the bed. It's routine by now.

                         ADAM
          Do you sleep with other guys? I
          know I'm not allowed, to ask -or

                         WHATEVER-

                         EMMA
          So.why are you asking?

                         ADAM
          Scottie wants to_ask you Out.

                         EMMA
          What did you say?

                         ADAM
          What do you meat? I told. him No.

                         EMMA
          Why?

                         ADAM
          Why?

                         - EMMA
          Yeah, why?

                         ADAM
          Emma, you're killing me--

                         EMMA
          I'm not yours.
          She'meets his eyes for a minute.

                         ADAM
          Awesome, you want his number?

                         EMMA
          Sure.
          Emma gets out her phone, makes a big show of putting in the
          number.

          EMMA (CONT'D)
          Okay,-I'm ready.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          50., -

                         ADAM

          323-555-8903.

                         EMMA:
          Great. Thanks.

                         ADAM
          I think I'll goout onsome dates.

                         EMMA
          You should. 

                         - ADAM
          Maybe I will.

                         EMMA
          You should.

                         ADAM
          Maybe I'll have. a lot of sex, with a
          lot"of women that aren't you.

                         EMMA
          Go for it'.

                         ADAM
          And maybe that sex .will continue on
          and on-until the break Of dawn.

                         EMMA
          That sounds fun.

                         ADAM
          Oh' yeah. Sex on the couch.: Sex on
          the floor. Sex on' a boat. In a box.
          With a fox. in a house.' Ona mouse.
          .(a beat) 
          I do not-like Green Eggs and Ham. I
          do not like them.
          (a beat).
          -Emma.

                         EMMA -
          I don't want to go out with Scottie
          anyway. He's too good looking. 

                         ADAM
          Oh great.' That's a great reason.
          What is. it about me  then? Is it
          because I have hair on my neck?.

                         EMMA
          It's just so soft--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          51.

          INT.


          . FRANKLIN HOUSE- KITCHEN- DAY
          Sandra Franklin is drinking whiskey, talking on -the phone.

                         SANDRA
          He just left, he didn't even say
          good-bye.

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY-.CROSS CUT

          Emma, scarfing down a sandwich, talking on the phone.

                         EMMA
          Mom, he's a jerk., you keep going
          out with these jerks- Did you fill
          out that form.I sent you with the
          information about the co--payment?

                         SANDRA 
          Oh I don't know.

                         EMMA

                         (SOFT)
          'Mom, try to eat something. Don`t
          just sit there and drink-

                         SANDRA
          I'ma not!

          .EMMA
          Mom.

                         SANDRA

                         (A BEAT)
          Why are the jerks so much :fun?

                         EMMA '
          I don't know,. there must. be some
          biological reasoning, like assholes
          -used to be the better hunters or.
          something.

                         SANDRA
          Oh., he 'was 'a good ' hunter. ; He was
          really good at... hunting.

                         EMMA
          (trying not to. laugh) :
          Mom!
          Dr. -Metzner walks by, looks at Emma.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          -52.

          INT. GUITAR CENTER- DAY

          Aiiam is at the counter with four cups' of Coffee - Beaii . coffee,
          a clerk comes up.

                         ADAM
          Hi. I, deed a., guitar case.

                         CLERK
          What kind of guitar do yoiz have?

                         ADAM
          T don't have a guitar.

                         CLERK

                         (A BEAT)
          Okay.

                         ADAM
          It needs to fit a: small body. Like
          a child's body.

                         CLERK

                         (A BEAT)
          Yeah.we got those. i 

          TNT. STUDIO LOT- DAY
          An actor enters the Sit Corn living room set with a guitar
          case.

                         ACTOR
          I'm-here for my lesson...
          TYie Child Actor pops out of the guitar case with striped.
          stockings and pig-tails.

                         CHILD ACTOR
          Me too !
          The audience roars. The group of writers/executives high- -
          five'. Someone turns-to Adam and mouths: "So Funny." Adam nods
          and tries to look excited.
          A HOT WARDROBE. ASSISTANT walk up with a rack of clothes. She
          watches- the taping for a momenta Shd' s gorgeous. Adam r1ifflea
          his hair a little. She makes eye. coritact with him and-rolls..
          her eyes like "This show sucks." Adam smiles and nods He,
          watches her walk awray .

                         

                         

                         

                         

          53.

          INT. EMMA'. S BEDROOM- . NIGHT -

          Emma and Adam are ripping each other's clothes off, per
          .usual.

          ADAM .
          Should I just,. like, ask her -out? I
          don't know how to 'do it. I sort of
          work with her-

                         EMMA 
          Say: "Hey; I'Yre 'always wanted to
          know what you look like when you're
          not kissing ass."

                         ADAM -
          That's a good.idea.

                         EMMA 
          No it's a terrible idea, Jesus.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- MOMENTS:LATER

          Adam is ontop of Emina.Sex is happening.

                         EMMA
          What-about "Let's-go get some
          coffee and bitch about work"?

                         ADAM
          Girls don't sleep with guys who use
          the verb "to bitch".

                         EMMA
          Flipsies?

                         ADAM

                         (HIGH-PITCHED)

                         FLIPSIESL
          They flip so Emma's of top.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)

                         (IN PAIN)

                         YOUR SHOESL

                         EMMA
          Just ask her outl You're sort of

                         HOT;

                         

                         

                         

                         

          54.

                         ADAM

                         (AVICTORY)
          I'm Port of hot!

                         EMMA
          Just try not to seem like ;a.serial
          killer. Are .:you ready to cuzit? I'm
          ready.

                         ADAM
          No f' wait, give me a second, think.
          about something else: pasta sauce,
          pasta sauce, old men eating pas.ta

                         SAUCE--

                         EMMA
          (all hot and bothered)
          It's not working--'

          ADAM .
          The president of Iran eating. pasta
          s auce- the president of Iran eating
          pasta sauce off an old man's body-

                         EMMA
          Just hurry up ! I

          INT..SOUND STAGE- DAY

          The next day: Adam stands in his usual spot. This time.there
          are a bunch of extras dressed as priests; smoking.
          The Wardrobe .Assistai2t walks. up. She takes -notes, Adam ;
          -notices -her.,' ruffles up his hair and tries to "look cooler. He
          takes adeep breath.-

                         ADAM
          So do you always kiss ass?

                         HOT ASSISTANT
          .(angry., confused)
          No. What? -

                         ADAM '
          (trying to save it)
          I like your face.

                         HOT-ASSISTANT

                         (VERY UPSET)
          Why doesn't anyone take me
          serious ly? '

                         

                         

                         

                         

          55.
          She runs -off upset. Adam nods.-That.was a disaster.-The'
          priests are laughing at him. - -

                         ADAM
          Yeah. Who wants coffee? -
          Most of the group raise their hands: And at the edge -of the
          group, ALVIN STANDS THERE, also with his hand up. -

          EXT. STUDIO LOT- CRAFT SERVICES- MOMENTS LATER

          Adam is in the middle of pouring ten cups of coffee. Alvin
          has his arm around a priest, another priest is taking their
          picture.

                         PRIEST
          That was my favorite show.

                         ALVIN
          Thank you, Father.
          The Priest laughs.

                         PRIEST-
          You're so amazing.
          Adam spills some coffee, the craft services guy' glares.

          EXT. STUDIO LOT- DAY-.MOMENTS LATER

          Alvin drinks a coffee, Adam hands out coffee to some of the
          other extras. Some people recognize Alvin and look over,
          whispering to-each'other.

                         ADAM
          what are you doing here, bad?

                         ALVIN
          I wanted to see you, buddy.

                         ADAM'
          Buddy?

                         ALVIN -
          I want'to take you out to-dinner.
          With Vanessa.'We want to take you
          out to dinner.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          56. 

                         ADAM
          Oh that's nice, but I 'don't really
          want to eat in a place where you're
          also eating.

                         ALVIN
          Come on. We've got to talk about.
          this. It would mean alot. Come on.
          I'm going to stay and take pictures
          with the priests until you say yes.

                         I
          Adam hits himself '.repeatedly in the head with his' clipboard.

          ALVIN (CONT'D)..
          Good. I'm glad that's settled.

          INT. UCLA HOSPITAL- LATER THAT DAY.-

          .W61-re-very close on Adam's patch of"neck-hair.

          SUMAIRE (O.S.)
          It's so thick.
          Sumaire is looking at Adam's neck on an exam. table. Emma
          comes. in.

          .ADAM
          Oh -hey,. Emma. I'an freaking out about
          my neck-hair.

                         SUMAIRE
          He said-he knew you.

                         ADAM
          Do you think it's possible that I
          unknowingly got bit. by adog and
          somehow, through a series of
          genetic mutations, I'm starting.to
          become. a dog? And now I'm :going to.
          have dog-powers-. Like smell And
          the power of bark.

                         SUMAIRE
          (without express,ion)
          Yeah. Could be. I'll write that
          down.

                         ADAM
          And if I shave it,.:am I zapping my
          body of some sort of strength? Is
          it secretly "strength hair"?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          57.

                         SUMAIRE
          Oh. That's a good point. What if
          it's "secret strength hair"?

          PAM.
          should I take him up to psych?

                         ADAM
          No, Emma, I .don't need to: go to
          "psych," I'm just a-normal guy
          who's looking for answers: about his
          -neck--hair .
          (starting to wheeze).
          Oh my god, -oh my god, it's killing
          me,- I'm dying, this is dizziness,-
          check, this is heart-rate= increase,
          check-' - '

          EMMA.
          No Adam, this is because you're
          having dinner with your father..

                         ADAM
          T know that!

                         EMMA

                         (TO DOCTOR)
          His father's dating his ex-
          girlfriend.

                         SUMAIRE
          Yeah, that'll do it.

                         - ADAM
          Please give me drugs.
          Sumaire and Emma-just look at him.

          INT.-.HOSPITAL LOBBY- NIGHT 

          Adam sits by himself on. one of the chairs. Emma and the.
          .Doctor are talking-a little bit away from him.

                         SUMAIRE
          1gave him a milligram of.
          Benzodiazepine; so that's' the
          medical equivalent of hitting him
          with a large heavy object: and
          leaving him on the side of the
          road.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          ANGLE ON- Adam, completely zoned out, hitting his hand
          against.a children's toy block.

                         ADAM
          Look. My hand is a hammer.-

                         EMMA
           I just' worked 14 hours. i -
          Em a is really annoyed. Dr. Metzner,walksby, looking. over.

          DR. METZNER
          You're a good girlfriend.

                         EMMA
          (to Dr. Metzner)
          Oh Dr. Metzner- he's Um,:he's not

                         MY-
          Adam holds up his'car keys to Dr. Metzner.

                         ADAM
          made you.a hat.

          DR. METZNER
          I hope you're not going to use
          those car.keys'to drive. 

                         ADAM
          Put on the hat.

                         EMMA
          You don.'t have to put anything on.

                         ADAM'

                         (WHISPERED) I
          Put on the hat.
          Dr. Metzner puts the car keys on his head and doe$ a funny
          little dance. Enmia smiles at him. He smiles back: Adam sees
          it.

          ADAM (CONT'D) -
          Give me my hat back. Now. -Now.

          EXT. BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT-- NIGHT. ;


                          I -
          Emma-sits in her car, Adam is-on the sidewalk. He- can see

                          AT LA
          Vanessa and Alvin- through the window,- sitting waiting
          table in a relatively nice restaurant.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         59:

                         ADAM
          I'm all over this. I am 200 percent
          on my game.

                         (A BEAT)
          Am I flying right,now?

                         EMMA
          No.

          ADAM.
          Not at all? I'm not airborne?
          Emma looks very. annoyed.

          INT. BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT- NIGHT

          Emma sits'at the table with Alvin, -Vanessa, and Adam. A
          deadening silence. No one is happy to be there.
          Adam has his napkin on his head. Er4aa takes it off and-gives
          it. to him. Adam puts it back on his. head. Emma. takes it off
          and gives it to him-

                         ALVIN
          (after a beat).,
          So. How long have you two been.
          dating?

          EMMA .

                         WE'RE NOT-

                         -ADAM
          We're sex friends.

                         EMMA
          Yes. Yes we are.
          Awkward.

                         VANESSA
          Happy Birthday, Adam.

                         EMMA
          It's your birthday?

                         ADAM
          It might be. Yes.

                         VANESSA
          I got you a gift-.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          60.
          .Vanessa takes out a gift bag with '±ou're 26!" it has tissue
          paper. and ribbons.

                         ADAM
          I. love it. Thank you.

          VANESSA.'
          No it's- the gift is inside the
          bag.

                         ADAM
          INSIDE THE HAG! Wow!
          Adam takes out a set 'of - expensive looking- sheets.

                         VANESSA
          I remember you only had one pair
          so.
          A tense ' moment .

                         ADAM
          I -loved you.

                         -VANESSA
          .Alvin is everything I loved about
          you, but he's just.a little bit
          more mature.
          Adam starts banging his head against the table.

                         EMMA
          Adam's-had a long day: I think he
          .should probably go home and rest.

                         VANESSA
          What happened?

                         EMMA
          He 'actually- he had an allergic
          reaction to his own hair. If he
          hadn't come in when he did,-we
          might have lost him.

                         (A BEAT)
          You can die from hair.'It turns
          out.

                         ALVIN
          Oh yeah?

                         ADAM
          You know what the word 'is'? I've
          been thinking and 'I figured it out.

                         (MOM) 

                         

                         

                         

                         

          61.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          The word is Twat. Dad, you're a
          twat.

                         EMMA
          Sudden outbursts of emotidn are
          common. The. patient sometimes
          shouts out-things like-

                         ADAM
          want to swordfight you.

          EMMA.
          For example. -
          Adam stands up holding out his napkin as-a sword. Some people
          around the rdstaurant-look over.

                         VANESSA
          Adam, we're happy- it's agood
          thing for everyone---

          .ADAM
          (imitating her voice,

                         SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
          Cha-cha cha aahahahcha--

                         EMMA
          I think-we're going to call it a

                         NIGHT-

                         ALVIN
          Hey, I know it wasn't-the right
          thing to do,but I!m,not good at
          doing the right thing. I've tried
          and I'm not .good at it.

                         ADAM-
          When'did you try? You don't try.
          You just take. You take and take

                         AND TAKE--

                         EMMA

                         ADAM

                         ALVIN
          What? You really want to-fight?
          Alvin stands up. A tense moment. Adam pokes at"the air a
          couple times with his napkin, but he's moving incredibly
          slow. -

                         ADAM:
          You're too fast for me'.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          62..

                         C
          Adam stumbles, Emma stands ,up and props him On. her shoulder.

          ADAM . (CONT'-D )
          M'lady. Is't thou chamber:hath
          -thou.

                         EMMA -
          Let's get the fuckout of-here.

                         ADAM
          -Let's get the fuck out of'here.
           They start to walk out of the restaurant. 
           Adam runs back and hits his dad as hard ashe.can with his
          napkin,- he runs back to Enuaa.

                          ADAM (CONT'D)
           Ha; ha. II win. I win.

                          EMMA 
           (turns back around,

                         LOUDL Y)
          It's the best sex of my life.
          Alvin and Vanessa- watch them leave.

          EXT. VENICE BEACH- NIGHT- LATER

          A couple hours later, Emma and Adam walk along .the Venice
          beach strip. Adam is still pretty out of it, he's enjoying
          the parade of freaks and drunks that walk by.

                         ADAM
          I. always loved Venice as a kid.
          Because I thought: Atleast I'm not
          as crazy as these. people.

                         EMMA I
          -But you are as crazy as-these.
          people.

                         ADAM
          Not him.
          There's a guy coverred'in silver body paint., yelling at'.the
          top of his lungs, and skating by on :a -skateboard.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          who's got' the crazier-family?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         I

          63..

                         EMMA
          I don't know, we'd have to develop
          an elaborate point'system.

                         ADAM

                         (A BEAT)
          I loved her. Vanessa.

                         EMMA
          I knoww. I've-never been in love.
          What does it feel like?.

                         ADAM
          Home.

                         EMMA
          Is that good?

                         ADAM
          Sometimes. Here.
          Adam gives the sheets Vanessa gave-him to a.guy'dressed as a
          cat.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          For the kitty litter.

          TNT'. ADAM'S HALLWAY- NIGHT- LATER
          Emma and Adam, looking at each other.

                         EMMA
          So. Sleep.

                         ADAM

                         (A BEAT)
          -Emma- this isn't working.

                         EMMA
          Oh. I thought we were having fun,

                         BUT-
          He strokes. her face, it's tender. It scares her.

                         ADAM
          Emma. .

                         EMMA
          You're breaking a rule.

                         ADAM
          What rule?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          64.

                         EMMA
          You're not allotaed to say '''Emma„
          and look longingly in my. face.

                         ADAM
          That's a bad rule.
          He kisses her- .it's passionate, a grown:-up, kiss. it takes her
          off guard. He looks at her, serious,, inches from her face.
          She's uncomfortable, laughs nervously.

          EMMA,.
          Hey, go to sleep.
          Emma heads down the hallway.

                          ADAM -
           .Wait--

          INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT. BUILDING- CONTINUOUS

          Emma runs down the stairs. Adam runs .after''her' barefoot, in
          his boxers, he can't really, run, he's too out of it.

                         ADAM
          Am I running fast? I can't. tell.
          She turns around and sees him, laughs..

                         EMMA
          Go back to bed!
          Emma runs down the stairs, outside.

          EXT. OUTSIDE.ADAM' S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS

          He stops at the edge of the lawn, tired. She : s .out on tie
          lawn. .

                         ADAM
          I can't do this.

                         EMMA
          What? What am I asking you to do?

                         ADAM -
          Nothing.

                         EMMA -
          So what's so hard about that? -

                         

                         

                         

                         

          .65.

                         ADAM
          I love you.

                         EMMA
          (a. beat)'

                         YOU'RE HEAVILY-SEDATED-

                         ADAM
          love you. Be my-girlfriend.

                         EMMA
          Don't operate a motor vehicle.
          Adam, too tired to chase her, watches her walk to her car.

                         ADAM
          I'll operate your motor vehicle.

                         EMMA
          Good night..

                         ADAM
          Be my girlfriend. ' Be my. girlfriend
          forever.

          INT. EMMA'S CAR- MOMENTS LATER

          Emma, sits, in her. car, taking. deep breaths.- She can see out
          her window that Adam is'still sitting on the stairwell
          looking after her, upset.

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- HALLWAY- EVENING

          Enna's walking down the hallway, Connie catches up.

                         CONNIE
          Hey, you want to get the Addam's
          Family?

                         EMMA
          I got em. . '

                         CONNIE
          Thanks dude.

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- EXAM ROOM- CONTINUOUS


                         

                         

                         

                         

          66.
          Three people in a .room that look a little like 'the Addaml' s
          Family : An emaciated man with no hair, is lying ' in .a bed, ' a
          woman is holding his hand. A teenager is. sitting in chair,
          looking- out the window. A nurse stands by.
          'Hello. How's everyone doing today?
          No one-says anything. -

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          (smiling to.herself )
          Sounds great.
          Emma does a routine check and the man groans, starts to shake
          a-little. The heart rate monitor picks up.speed.
          EMkA _(CONT' D)
          Sir?-Sir? Do you have pain?
          No orie answers her. The woman won't=break eye contact dith
          the.man. Some nurses rush in.

          EMN (CONT'D) 
          Do you feel something--
          The tone of the heart rate monitor..Emma tries to; pump his
          heart with her hands. He's dead. The woman still won't break
          eye 'contact with, the .man. The teenager isn't- looking at a:ll.-
          The Nurse turns off the equipment, -looks to Emma', who stands
          frozen.

                         NURSE

                         (WHISPERED)
          Time of death.:
          Emma doesn't respond.-

                         NURSE (CONT'D)
          (whispered, again)
          The time of-death.
          Eimna walks out of the'room, past Dr. Metzner.

                         NURSE (CONT'D)

                         METZNER-
          Dr. Netzner'nods, walks into the room. -

          DR. METZNER
          I'll take care of it.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          67.

          EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL/STUDIO LOT- NIGHT-.CROSS CUT

          Emma is outside, breathing hard. She has one cigarette in. her
          hand. She doesn't know what- to do, with it.
          Dr. Metzner comes out the door. He lights a cigarette.

          DR. METZNER
          I didn't know you smoked.'

                         EMMA
          I don't. I just- I .asked someone if
          I could borrow it. I mean- you can't
          borrow a cigarette-. I don't know- I
          don't smoke.

          DR. - METZNER .

                         (SMOKING)
          I don't smoke either. You want a
          light?

                         EMMA
          I'll just. Hold it. Which is weird. 
          So. I hope you're okay-with that.

          DR. METZNER
          (.a beat)
          People are going to die, Doctor
          Franklin, that's part of the job.

                         EMMA
          Yeah, I know that. I'm not, an
          idiot, Dr. Metzner. Respectfully.
          With a lot of respect.

          DR. METZNER
          Everyone else flinches. I:'ve never
          seen you flinch.

          EMMA,
          Well. I guess I'm like everyone..

          DR. METZNER
          No you're not. - 
          Dr. Metzner tosses his cigarette, turns around to leave.

                         EMMA
          My dad smoked cigarettes.,

          DR. METZNER
          He -quit?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          68.

                         EMMA
          Be died.

          DR. METZNER
          Ah. That's the fun. part- for
          everyone who ' dies, there's always
          someone else you can fix.: And. then - -
          you go home and ti-y to. sleep.
          Welcome, to  the world.,- Emma.
          -Henry leaves. FEMALE INTERN, smoking-a little further down,
          has been listening to the whole thing. she raises her
          .eyebrows.

                         FEMALE INTERN
          He's married. 3ust'so you know.
          Emma throws the cigarette in her hand 'away..

          INT. HOSPITAL/'STUDIO LOT- CROSSCUT

          Emma- is in the locker-room, sitting ,on. the bench with. her
          "knees curled up underneath her. She's- still upset. :

                         EMMA -
          (into the phone)
          Hey, can I come-over later?
          Adam, on the sound stage, is watching some crew guys pack up
          some lights. - ;

                         ADAM
          S have a date. So.

                         EMMA
          Oh. That's great!

                         ADAM 
          Yeah.-. I )list asked' her and she said'
          yes'.
          (whispered) - -
          She must be-drunk or something.
          ANGLE ON--Hot Assistant holding up a finger to Adam,
          :'One minute." - -

                         ADAM
          I'm trying- to remember what people
          do on dates.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         EMMA
          I don't known don't do that shit.
          I guess just smile a lot.:Are you.
          smiling?

                         ADAM

                         (HE'S NOT)
          Yeah.

                         EMMA
          Good.

          INT. RESTAURANT- NIGHT

          Adam sits across from the.hot assistant, Carmen. They're both-
          eating.

          CARMEN.
          I love-broccoli. Sometimes I think
          I'd like to live in a broccoli
          forest. But I would be made out of
          carrots.
          Adam's face is frozen into a big, fake smile.

          TNT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT
          Dr.' Metzner walks out of the hospital, into an almost empty
          parking lot. He sees Emma standing by. her car, looking at
          him. He starts walking over.

          .' EMMP,
          T brought you a pamphlet..
          She gives :him a "Quit Smoking" health pamphlet.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          You don't.have to face thiss alone-.

          DR. METZNER

                         (A BEAT)
          I'm married..

          EMMA.
          Yeah. I like that about you..

                         (A BEAT)
          So. How is-this done? Should we
          have a tryst? ' Should we. Have a
          parking lot tryst?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          70.

          DR. METZNER
          No, I don'.t.think so.

                         EMMA
          Oh, I'm sorry, I sh.ouldn.'t--
          .He touches her face. Kisses her lightly.

          DR. METZNER
          Let's get an enormous bed.

                         EMMA

                         (SMILING)
          Where are we going to get-that?
          At the enormous bed factory?

          INT. HOTEL ROOM- LATER

          Dr.. Metzner is carrying hea:,  dropping heir onto a

                         EMM
          Tt's enormous!

          DR. METZNER
          You're beautiful.

                         EMMA -
          You're near-sighted. Put on your
          reading glasses.

          DR.' METZNER

                         I
          talked about you in therapy.

                         EMMA
          You should be. talking about your
          mother..

          DR. METZNER
          I do talk  abort my.mother.

                         EMMA
          What did your therapist telL.you to
          do about me?

          DR.. METZNER
          Not this.
          He kisses'her. Kisses her again.'.

                         EMMA
          That?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          71.

          DR. METZNER
          No. Not that.
          More kissing.

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- LATER THAT NIGHT

          Adam is having sex with Carmen, the Hot Assistant.

                         ADAM
          -Flipsies?

                         CARMEN
          What did you _say?

                         ADAM
          Do you' want to get on top?

                         CARMEN
          Can we just do it where you're,
          like, lying on me?

                         ADAM
          Yeah, cool. That sounds like fun.
          Adam continues on,. he's not having the greatest time'..

          INT. HOTEL ROOM- NIGHT

          Emma and Dr. Metzner, after the fact. They both seem pretty
          satisfied.

                         EMMA
          You're the Old Testament God. -
          Because you just, like, made me out'
          of clay.

          DR. METZNER
          Well that sounds good.

                         EMMA
          Okay,
          An awkward moment.

          DR. METZNER
          I have to go.

                         EMMA
          'Yeah of course.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          72.
          He starts putting his clothes back on.' eta is left star±xig
          at the ceiling.

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- LATER THAT NIGHT

          After the fact. Carmen-is holding onto Adam, forcing a cuddle
          moment. Adam looks pretty uncomfortable.'

                         CARMEN
          I feel- really close to you..

                         ADAM
          Well. You are really,close to me:

          IN . EMMA' S ROME- THAT NIGHT
          Emma comes-home to her apartment. It's dark and empty.:

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Carmen is asleep next to him in bed. He is on his phone.

          INT.. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT

          Emma is in bed alone, talking on the phone.

                         ADAM

                         (WHISPERED)
          Maybe he'll leave his wife and you
          can run away and make A lot of
          babies' together. Fuck. I can't
          believe you did that.

                         EMMA
          I know. I'm a'jerk.

                         ADAM
          You're not a jerk, you're just-
          deeply flawed.

                         EMMA
          Are you jealous?

                         ADAM
          No.

                         EMMA
          Okay.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          73.

                         ADAM
          I got laid tonight too. And she'.s
          sleeping on all the-pillows. Why
          does she need all the pillows? Is
          her head made of paper?

                         EMMA
          There's an extra. pillow in your
          closet.

                         ADAM
          It's just- It's the first time
          since Vanessa, not counting you,

          EMMA.
          Yeah.

                         ADAM
          What's wrong?

                         EMMA
          Nothing..

                         ADAM
          You're jealous.

                         EMMA

                         (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
          I'm not.

                         ADAM
          Your voice gets really high when
          _ you're- lying. -You sound like a
          munchkin. -

                         EMMA
          (sounds likea munchkin)
          No' it doesn't!

                         ADAM

                         (MUNCHKIN VOICE)
          The witch is dead!.The wicked witch
          is death -

                          EMMA
          (high).
          .I'm not jealous!

          [ : NT-. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- NIGHT- CROSS CUT 
           Emma, in her scrubs, filling out some paperwork.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          74 .

                         EMMA
          Hey, where have you been?

          ADAM (O.S.).
          Oh you know, I've been busy.

                         EMMA
          Doing what?,

          EXT. SIDEWALK-- DAY- CROSS CUT

          Adam in a  suit .. On his phone .

                         ADAM
          Going to gang-bangs. I've been
          getting. involved in the gang--bang
          community.

                         EMMA
          Are you trying to make me jealous?

                         ADAM
          (pretending to, talk to

                         SOMEONE)
          What was that? I can't hear you--
          oh, I have  to go,  this girl is
          asking me if she can give me a
          vagina mustache- have you ever
          heard of that? No, stop. tickling
          me, you -tickler!

                         EMMA
          This isn't going to work-

                         ADAM
          I'm sorry, I have to go play her
          pussy like it'sa'harmonica.

                         EMMA
          Adam!
          Adam hangs up..
          WIDEN TO REVEAL- He's in front of a synagogue, wearing a
          kippah.A middle-aged woman. stands looking at him.

                         ADAM
          Shabbat Shalom.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          75..

          INT. SOUND STAGE- DAY

          Adam holds a tray o coffee, a bundle of dry cleaning, and a
          bag from Whole Foods..He talks on.the phone as-people come up
          and take coffee and the"dry cleaning, the child actor takes
          the bag from Whole Foods.- - -

          ADAM .
          (into his phone)
          "Big pimpin", spending G's, I be
          big 'pimpin' on b-l-a-g' s" .

          INT.- UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL--DAY- CROSS CUT

          Emma's in her scrubs eating a sandwich.

                         EMMA
          Those aren't even the words-
          The Child Actor holds up a box of.tampons- pissed.

          CHILD ACTOR .
          What the fuck?

                         ADAM
          (covering the phone).
          Sorry. Those are for.-
          A. female producer walksby, grabs the tampons.

                         "PRODUCER
          You're the best!

                         EMMA
          Just come over later-

          .ADAM
          Oh man,. i can't, I.'m doing so much-
          crazy sex .stuff, I am. exhausted.
          Emma, is there a word for when
          you've . been pimped ' rain?

                         EMMA 
          That's too bad you can't come over.
          Because I'm naked right now.
          Adam freezes. Emma tries to quietly.. clew her sandwich.

                         ADAM
          Yeah?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         EMMA
          Oh yeah, I'm so naked, Adam,- and
          I'm just lying on.a big bed with
          lots of... turkey...

                         ADAM 

                         (A BEAT)
          _So you're at work and you're eating
          a sandwich?

           EMMA.
          Totally.

                          ADAM
          Mustard or mayo?

                         EMMA
          Both.

          INT. GROUNDLINGS- DAY

          Adam i's-doing improv in an improv class- Funny faces, big
          gestures. He catches-the eye of a girl. She smiles at hind. He
          looks surprised, suddenly realizing the possibilities.

          EXT. GROUNDLINGS PARKING LOT- NIGHT

          Adam is making out with one of the girls from .his class.,' Joyr.
          up against his car. They talk as they kiss:

                         JOY
          You're so funny in class-

                         ADAM

                         THANKS-

                         JOY
          Do youthink'I'm funny?

                         ADAM
          It was funny whenyou were Hillary'
          Clinton and.you _got eaten by. that
          bear. I didn't know Hillary Clinton
          could scream like that-

                         JOY
          Yeah?

                         ADAM
          Wow. Yeah. 'You're so talented.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          77.
          Adam's phone rings..

          ADAM (CONT.'D)

                         (INTO PHONE)
          What?

                         EMMA
          This is bullshit.

                         ADAM
          Oh, I'm sorry, can't talk, I'm
          groping--someone against my car.
          Joy gives him a funny. look.

                         EMMA -
          Fuck you.

                         ADAM
          Fuck you.
          Adam hangs up the phone, smiling.

          ADAM! (CONT'D)
          Hey, you want to get out of here?

          INT. ADAM'S' HALLWAY- LATER

          Emma is knocking on Adam's door. Adam opens it, sees Emma
          smiles'.

          . ADAM

                         (SINGS)
          "Hey jealousy, I'i( gonna drive
          around this town- let the cops
          chase us around-

                         EMMA
          Stop. Stop singing that.
          Joy walks up to the 'door'.

                         JOY
          Hello?

                         EMMA
          Hello.

                         ADAM
          Oh Joy, this- is my-

                         

                         

                         

                         

          7B.

                         EMMA
          'I'm his doctor. I did his testicle
          transplant.

                         JOY
          Oh my god!

                         EMMA
          Yeah, we had to do an-emergency,
          ball. removal. We actually replaced
          them with the-balls of a small.
          donkey..

                         JOY
          Oh my. god, you have-donkey balls?

                         ADAM
          I should'have told you.

                         EMMA
          I just have to do a quick check on
          them.

                         JOY
          But it's so late-
          Yeah,-isn't it?

                         JOY

                         (A BEAT)
          Are you trying to get rid of me so
          .you can have sex with him?

                         EMMA
          Yes, that's right.

                         ADAM
          I'm sorry, Joy. You're sort of a
          pawn in a larger game.-It's my

                         FAULT-

                         JOY
          Bitch.

                         EMMA

                         ADAM
          This is amazing.

                         JOY
          Slut'.

                         I

                         

                         

                         

                         

          79.

                         EMMA
          Pumpkin.

                         JOY
          Pumpkin?

                         EMMA
          You look.like'a pumpkin, bitch.

                         JOY
          (pissed, confused)
          What?

                         EMMA
          Ring, ring, it's-the pumpkin patch,
          they want their pumpkin back.

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM-- A LITTLE LATER

          Emma and Adam, going at.it.

                         ADAM
          Oh my god, you were crazed, I felt
          like Flava Flav-

                         EMMA
          Just shut up and fuck me.

          INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- LATER

          After the fact.

                         ADAM
          Wow.

          ENKA,
          -So I think your balls are going to
          be fine.

                         ADAM
          I noticed you'didn't.say I had a.
          donkey cock,

                         EMMA
          -I got you a birthday present. Close
          your eyes..

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         8A:

                         ADAM

                         (CLOSED EYES)
          My birthday was two weeks ago. And.
          we said No Birthdays.

                         EMMA
          open them.
          Emma is holding-a -rubber chicken with a ribbon tied around
          its neck in a bow.

                         ABAM
          Oh my god.

                         EMMA
          I just-.1 figured you were the kind
          of guy who'd like a rubber chicken.

                         ADAM
          Yes.'i am that guy.

                         EMMA
          It's like: What's funnier than a
          rubber chicken?

                         ADAM
          Nothing. Nothing is funnier than a
          rubber chicken.

                         EMMA
          You can put it in a pot.

                         ADAM
          Throw it in the shower when someone
          is showering.

                         EMMA
          Hit people with it.

                         ADAM
          And -they're like:.Aaali, .why are you
          hitting me with a rubber chicken?
          They kiss, it's-
          .tender.

          ADAM (CONT'D)...
          I love it, I love my -chicken. What
          are we doing? I have to take you
          out.-I have to go on a date with

                         
          you.

                         EMMA
          What do you mean?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          81.

                         ADAM
          Like -a.date. Like - I pick you up. We
          talk about our favorite books and
          TV shows and I pay for everything
          and then you reward me with an over-
          the-jeans cock rub.

          EMMA.
          That sounds terrible.

                         ADAM
          Come on, I'll take you to a museum.

                         EMMA
          Why would I.want to go'to a museum?

                         ADAM

                         (KISSING HER)
          Um. To learn about art.

                         EMMA
          Is this what you want?

                         ADAM
          So much,-so much it's freaking me
          out.

                         EMMA
          .Okay.

                         ADAM

                         (CELEBRATING)
          Yes! Yesssssl We're going on a
          date! We've had so much sex we can
          go on - a date now!
          :Emma laughs and hits him.a couple times with the chicken'.

          EXT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY

          Adam waits outside his car with flowers. Emma, with ahoodie
          over her scrubs,' stands across from him.

                         ADAM
          You look great.

                         EMMA
          I look like shit on a biscuit. What
          are those flowers for?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ADAM
           .(hariding her the flowers
          You.

                          EMMA
          Why?

                          ADAM
          - T don't know, because you're my
          flower.

                         EMMA

                         (ANNOYED)
          That was pretty fucking cute.

                         ADAM 
          I know- I'm good at this.
          They get into'the car. Adam opens the car 'door-for her.

                         EMMA
          How long does it take to'go to a
          museum? An hour?

                         ADAM
          We're going to the Getty.

                         EMMA
          2 hours?

                         ADAM
          Jesus Christ.

          IT. ADAM'S CAR- MOMENTS LATER
          On the.way to the Getty. Adam is driving. Emma sits next to
          him; uncomfortably holding the big bouquet of - flowers. Neil
          Diamond-'s "Cracklin" Rosie"_is playing.

                         EMMA
          I can't believe you made fun of my,
          music-when all you do is listen to
          Neil Diamond.

          "IMAM.
          I made a date mix,

                          EMMA
          (can't help smiling)
          Oh god..

                         

                         

                         

                         

          83.

                         ADAM

                         (SINGING ALONG)
          "Cracklin'-Rose , you're a store-
          bought woman, but- you make, me a
          sing like -a guitar hummin', so hang
          onto me, girl, as our-song keeps
          runnin' on, play it now,. play it
          now, play it now my baby-"
          Adamturns the music down.

           ADAM (CONT'D) -
          What did y ou do today?

                          EMMA -
          I chocked 5 ,prostates and I drained
          a genital wart.
          Adamturns the music up.

                         ADAM
          "rind us a dream that don't ask no
          questions-- bah, bah.'bah--"

          EXT. GETTY MUSEUM-LATER

          Adam has,the museum guide open. Emma looks around, a little
          lost.

          ADAM - -
          So we're gonna hit up Decorative
          Objects and Vases. and then we're
          going to check out Antiquities and
          Manuscripts- and then.snake back -
          around and see the Dutch
          masterpieces,.holla!

                         EMMA
          Okay- where'.s the bathroom?

                         ADAM
          We don't have-.time for the
          bathroom. You're gonna have to man
          up.
          He takes her arm and they run-off..

          INT.  GETTY MUSUEM- LATER

          Adam and Emma stand in f±ont of a painting.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ADAM
          This one is called The, Tri=ph of
          Chastity. The swan represents
          chastity.
          Emma puts her arm around him. and starts to, kiss his neck.

                         EMMA
          (while she's kissing him).
          Oh yeah? That's so : interesting-

                         ADAM
          No- no, kissing on the date
          She keeps kissing him, ..he's enjoying it.

          ADAM (CONT' D )
          No- not in front of "The Triumph of
          Chastity."
          JUMP CUT-. Adam and Emma in ,front of another painnting..

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          I bet you can.'t guess what this
          one's called.

                         - EMMA
          Um. "Man with a pink flower."

                         ADAM
          You're right!
          The painting is literally: A man with a pink flower.
          JUMP CUTS-- A series of paintings with the Madonna, Jesus,
          Angels.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          So I guess there are no paintings
          of enormous dreidels'.

           EN.�MA
          Oh, I think I saw one called "Jew
          Eating Baby."
          JUMP CUT- Van Gogh's Irises.

          EMMA (CONT'D).
          T h is one's good. Is it for sale?.

                         ADAM
          This was.Vaness.a's favorite.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          85.
          Emma looks at him. Adam's lost in thought.

                         EMMA
          Ley, I think T'.ve got' to get back.

                         ADAM
          No, come on, you've got to see the'
          garden, it's like a gay Japanese
          monk had a nervous breakdown with a
          pocketful of'seeds.

                         EMMA

                         ADAM-

          EXT. GETTY. MUSEUM-- GARDENS- LATER

          outside the museum, a gorgeous view, weird cactus flowers
          arranged in a circle.

                         EMMA
          It's beautiful.

                         ADAM
          I told you.

                         EMMA

                         (A BEAT)
          What are we doing here?.Why do we
          have to do this?

                         ADAM
          Do what? Spend time with each other'
          that doesn't involve ripping our
          clothes off, time that does't
          involve you texting me at 1 in'the
          morning and me running over like
          your little sexbunny-
          A nearby kid covers his mouth and starts giggling.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)

                         (TO KID)
          Sometimes "bunnies can be bad.
          The kid giggles more. An angry. parent shepherds the kid away,
          gla± ing at Adam.

          ADAM (CONT'D) 
          This is what a relationship is!

                         

                         

                         

                         

          86.

                         EMMA
           No it's not! Maybe that's what You
           did with Vanessa or whoev er, but '
           that's not who I am, Adam. This
          stuff freaks me out.

                          ADAM
           I want -to be nice to you and do
          nice things for you- -

                          EMMA -
          You already do nice things for me!.
          You make me laugh and you fuck my
          brains out.
          Some people- ipok over.

          EMMA, (CANT''D)
          (lowers her voice a

                         LITTLE)
          Why do we have to do what-everyone
          else does?

                         ADAM
          Because T-can't do it-doing anymore
          if you're not my girlfriend!

                         EMMA
          Why does it matter if I'm your
          girlfriend or not, Adam? Why do I
          have to be yours?

                         ADAM
          Because .I'ia tired of pretending'
          that I don't feel anything, I'm
          tired of pretending like it doesn't
          -kill me to think that you're with
          anyone else- This is what people
          do, Emma-- they buy each other
          flowers, they go to museums, they
          don't sleep with other people-

                         EMMA
          Oh you mean like your parents? Like
          my-parents? Why would we let
          ourselves' get hurt when we don't
          have to?.

                         ADAM '
          Because I want to get hurt by you.
          If I'm gonna get- hurt, 'I want you
          to hurt me.. Be my girlfriend.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          87.

                         EMMA
          No.

                         ADAM
          Goddamn .it. You drive me crazy--

                         EMMA
          You drive Me crazy-

                         ADAM
          I wish there was some way I could
          legally cage fight you.

          EMMA - '
          Buildit! Build the cage..

                         ADAM -

                         EMMA
          I'll take you down. I'll take you
          'down to Chinatown. I'll serve you
          dumplings filled with me kicking
          your ass.

                         ADAM
          what?
          She slaps his hand. He slaps her hand back. They start
          "slapping each other's hands.

                         EMMA
          Why are you messing everything up?

                         ADAM
          Why are you afraid of being loved?

                         EMMA
          Why did you get c6ckblocked by your
          father?
          A guard comes over.

                         GUARD
          You guys need to keep it down, this
          is a medi.tatioix garden.

                         ADAM
          This is our way of meditating.

                         GUARD
          ("you guys are assholes")
          Yeah.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          88.
          He walks away. They whisper back and forth, fast and without
          expression, while. pretending to look at theflowers. They.
          -keep -s-lapping each other on the hands, but they'try to do it
          so people can't see them.

                         ADAM
          I want to lock you in.atiny,
          windowless room with just.-my butt.

                         E
          I wish you were.a hamster so I
          could buy you from a pet store and.
          then: feed you poison lettuce..

                         ADAM
          1 ,wish I was a hamster, so I could
          play dead, and then when you put 
          your hand .in the cage, I would jutp
          up and kill you.

          EMMA,
          Impossible.

                         ADAM
          Fine,, I'd jump on your face, and I
          wouldn't let:go, and your whole'
          life people would be-like: "Why do
          you have'a hamster on your face?"
          Why won't you be my girlfriend?

                         EMMA
          What if-we get-sick of each other
          and you get angry because I work
          all the time ,and then. I stop
          working and then I never do all-the
          things I want to do- and-

                         ADAM
          'You think anyone does all- the
          things. they want to do, Emma?

                         EMMA
          What if.we have kids and then we
          hate each otherand-we.have a
          'horrible. divorce just like.your
          parents?

          ADAM.
          -Then the kids will start a rock-
          band together like Oasis.,'.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         }

          89.

                         EMMA
          What if I get cancer and you don't
          want to take care of'me?

                         ADAM -
          Then-you should hire a hit man to
          kill me- '

                         EMMA
          What if I'm never around and.
          sometimes. I'm mean to you and we
          only have'sex on our anniversary?

                         ADAM '
          We'd take a cruise'to spice up our
          love life!

                         EMMA
          I don't want to take.a cruise to
          spice up our  love-' life !

                         ADAM
          We'd go to. couples therapy-

                         EMMA
          What if you have-an.-affair with our
          couples therapist?

                         ADAM
          We'll go to a couples therapist
          with female facial hair.

                         EMMA
          What if you have an of fair with a
          model?

                         ADAM
          You'd, be proud of me !

                         EMM&
          -You're right, I would--

                         - ADAM'
          And I'd just have sex with the
          model a couple times and then I'd
          buy you a diamond necklace and
          apologize.,

                         EMMA
          I don't want a-diamond necklace
          because you slept with a model!
          Emma pushes him, he falls into some'flowers.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          ' 90.

                          ADAM
          .I'11 never give you a diamond
          necklace!
          Emma' jumps in the flowers frith him.

                         ENMA
          I want a diamond ziecklacei

                         ADAM
          I'll give-you one every day l
          They grab each other and start making out. They pull aWay
          from each other and keep pushing-each other::

                         EMMA
          I want to microwave your dick-

                         ADAM
          I want to tit-fight, that means I
          want to punch you in the tits a
          lot.
          They start Making' out again..
          A guard comes over and grabs them one'on each of his arms.
          A' father, holding his Toddler. daughter, watches then.

                         FATHER
          (whispered-to the girl)
          Please don't grow up.

          INT. ADAM'S CAR- DAY- LATER

          Adam drives' Emma in silence. Van Morrison's "Have' I -;Told you ,
          Lately That I love you?". They're both miserable.''.

          .INT. ADAM'S CAR- EVENING- LATER'

          Outside the hospital. They sit in the car.

                         EMMA

                         (A BEAT)
          I cna't. I told you in the
          beginning. It's not who I-am..

                         ADAM

                         (A BEAT)
          I don't think I should see you

                         AGAIN

                         

                         

                         

                         

          91.

                         EMMA
          I know.

                         ADAM
          Because I can't keep doing this.

                         EMMA
          I know,. I get it.

                         ADAM
          You do?

                         EMMA
          Yeah. So. Good-bye.
          Emma gets out of the car.'

                         ADAM
          I'm really not going to see-you
          again.

                         ENEMA
          I know.'. I think'that's probably
          smart. Good-bye..-

                         ADAM
          Yeah. Bye. See ya! Not! Not gonna
          see ya..
          Emma leaves, shuts the car door. She walks into the hospital,
          upset, trying to keep it together.

          INT. UCLA'TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS

          Emma walks up to the elevators. She'stands with some nurses.
          on her face--What just happened? What 'did .I just do?

                         ADAM
          I'm really not going to see you
          again.
          Emma looks- up- Adam is standing' across the room, by the
          doors. The nurses look at her, confused.

                         EMMA
          I I know .

                         ADAM
          Seriously. No more. Not going to
          happen.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          92.

                         EMMA'
          I know.

                         ADAM
          Good-bye.
          They, look at each other- waiting for something. to happen.. . The
          elevator dings. She gets on. He watches her get on-

          INT. UCLA TEACHING-HOSPITAL- ELEVATOR- CONTINUOUS.

          Emma. stands on the elevator, -almost at the point of breaking
          down.

                         EMMA
          Shit.

          BACK TO ADAM:'

                         ADAM
          Fine, great.
          Adam walks'through.the hospital doors, back to his car.;

          E(T. OUTSIDE UCLA.TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS
          Adam pulls open the car door,. grabs the bouquet of flowers.
          He gives them to a couple heading into the hospital.

          ADAM -  ' -
          Give these to the sick people-.
          They take the flowers, Adam gets back-in his car, slams his
          door shut, drives-off, as we hear "Your Body is a Wonderland"
          blasting from the date mix.

          'INT. CLUB- NIGHT

          Days later. Eli, Scottie, and Adair at a club. Adam's wasted
          and dancing with some girl'.

                         ADAM
          Yeah, yeah, we're bumping and we're
          grindih'- we're in. da club-

                         AAAARGGH--

                         SOME GIRL
          'What?

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         I

          93.

          EXT. CLUB- LATER

          Adam is - making -out with the girl . against of his car. They're
          both wasted.,

                         ADAM
          Let's get out of here.

                         SOME GIRL
          I'm not.looking for a relationship-

                         ADAM
          Me neither!' That's so funny,
          neither one of us wants to mean.
          anything t o other one- we just want
          to hook up! Like fish! Like a fish
          -hook!
          (puts his finger 'in his
          mouth like a fish, hook)
          Oo, sex doesn't mean-.anything,
          aaagh, I.'m a fish! Look at me, I
          like sex and I'm a fish.

                         SOME GIRL

                         (WEIRDED OUT)
          Hey,.I think:1 left my purse in
          there.

          ADAM .
          No, where are you going? Let's hook
          up and not give a fuck about each
          other! I want that tool.I'don't
          care about you at all! Where are
          you going?
          She's gone. He'puts-his head against his. car. Another girl
          walks by.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          Hey, hey, buy me a shot.

          :INT. 'CLUB- NIGHT'

          Adam is drunkenly making out with agirl. Scottie and Eli
          watch. '

                          SCOTTIE -
          I can't believe it. He's on fire.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         ELI
          I think what we. have here is an
          important life lesson: When you
          hate, everyone and you don't give a
          shit, a lot of girls want to have
          sex with you.

          EXT. PARKING LOT- NIGHT

          Adam is making out with, another drunk girl.

                         ADAM
          I don't want a relationship right

                         NOW- -

          EXT .. PARKING LOT- NIGHT
          Another girl, another night.'

                         ADAM
          1"'m just not very good with

                         RELATIONSHIPS--

          EXT: PARKING  LOT-- NIGHT
          Some other ho.

          .ADAM
          I. won't be able to call you,, I'm
          getting sent to Guantanamo tomorrow-

          EXT,. PARKING LOT- NIGHT
          Same deal, Adam stops to throw up- as he throws. up, he farts
          at the same time.

                         ADAM
          I just farted right when I threw
          up.
          The girl is running away.

          INT. BEDROOM- MORNING

          A girl, sleeping in a bed. Adam sneaking out of the bedr66m.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         I

          95.

          EXT. HOUSE- MORNING

          'Adam walks out of a house, quietly closing the door behind
          him. It's clearly the 'morning-after.

                         OVERLAPPED WITH:

          ADAM (O.S.)
          1. think guys should"make an effort
          to be- more polite. Like if you know
          you're never  going to call her
          again, at ' least. send a' Thank You
          ' Caxd.

          INT., GROUNDLINGS STAGE NIGHT

          Adam at the mike.-

                         ADAM
          I like'to go the extra mile. If I'm
          drunk and pass out-before you cum,
          I'll-send you a gift certificate to
          Berl, Bath, and Beyond.
          People seem to be digging it, Adam is enjoying it. He seems
          more comfortable in'his skin.

          -INT. AGENT'S OFFICE- DAY

          Adam is shaking hands with an agent, it's 'the end of the
          meeting.

                         AGENT
          So I got some commercial auditions.
          lined up.

                         ADAM
          Great, I'll do anything that makes
          any kind of money. Just maybe not
          something where I.have to ride a.
          horse-and then underneath it says:
          Herpes.

                         AGENT
          Got it. Say hi to your Dad for me.

                         ADAM
          You know my Dad?

                         

                         

                         

                         

           96."

                         AGENT
          Yeah,' he told me to go see your
          show.

          .ADAM
          Oh. He did?
          This comes as a 'surprise- it's not-clear what Adam thinks..

          INT. ADAM ' S . CAR- DAY-LATERLATER

          Adam hits his head a couple times-on the steering' wheel,., then
          picks up his phone.

          INT. ALVIN'S KITCHEN- CROSS CUT

          Alvin is paying a pot dealer. He counts out money.. The. pot
          dealer waits with.an enormous baggie of pot.

                         ALVIN

                         ADAM

                         ADAM
          Dad.

                         ALVIN
          .Hey, I wanted to call.to'- . I know
          you're probably mad at me,, but--

                         ADAM
          Thank you. Dad. For 'a. lot; of .
          things.
          Alvin smiles, relieved.

                         ALVIN
          Yeah kiddo, I can do some-things
          right.

                         (TO'DEALER)
          is this. an eighth?.

          ADAM,
          Are you buying drugs.right now?

          M. UCLA HOSPITAL- EXAM ROOM- DAY--
          X--ray slides up on a lit screen'. Emma, all business,- talks to.
          LUCILLE, an older woman patient. - '

                         

                         

                         

                         

          97.

                         EMMA

                         (ROBOTIC)
          As you can see, you have a growth
          in your breast. We're going to'do
          some more tests to see if it' s 
          actually cancer.. Do you have any
          questions so far?

                         LUCILLE

                         (A BEAT)
          'Just one.Can you repeat what you
          just said once more-like I'm a
          human being?

                         EMMA
          Oh. I- um.

                         LUCILLE
          Why don't you just sit. here for a
          moment? Just sit with me. And then
          try again.

                         EMMA
          T have a lot of-

                         LUCILLE
          Sit down.
          Emma sits down, surprised..

           LUCILLE (CUNT' D) .
           Here_ Take my hand.
          Emma takes her hand.

                          LUCILLE (CONT'D)
           Now we're' just going to sit here
           for a moment.

                         EMMA
          I'm sorry. I don't what it feels

                         LIKE-

                         LUCILLE
          it feels like this. -
          They just-sit there for a moment.

          EXT. UCLA HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT

          Emma is leaving work.' Dr. Metzner catches up with her,.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          DR. METZNER
          Hey, I have an hour-

          !.

                         1

                         EMMA
          I don't'.

          DR. METZNER
          Okay, so what am'I supposed to do?

                         EMMA
          Your wife?
          Emma smiles and keeps walking, checking:her voicemail.

                         ADAM
          (ori the vo icemail )
          Hey it's Adam, 'l don't know if
          you're free tonight-but I have a
          show and you're probably-working,
          but I just thought 1"d-
          Emma hangs. up and starts sprinting to her car.-

          INT. . GROUNDLINGS STAGE-- NIGHT- LATER

          It's a pretty full house. Adam on stage irita- a microphone .
          He's more confident, comfortable in his own skin.

                         ADAM

                         (INTO MIKE)
          I used to be a fat ki_d. When I was
          growing up, I would tell people 1
          was in that movie "Honey, I Blew. up
          the Kids". Like : 'I'm not actually
          fat, I just got 'enlarged by .a
          secret' growth. ray.
          Emma is in the back row with a proud smile..

          XNT. GROUNDLINGS STAGE- NIGHT- LATER
          After the show. Emma is looking 'for him in crowds of people.
          She sees him, talking to a couple He's different-; 
          confident. She panics a little, turns and leaves.
          Adam looks around, looking for her. He doesn't see her, goes
          back.to talking to a girl.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          99..

          INT. BAR- NIGHT

          Weeks later. Emma, dressed up pretty, sits at a bar with a
          Mike, he wears a flashy suit.

                         MIKE
          I do international finance,. I put
          together financing packages for
          overseas ventures. if I had to
          describe it in 'a word, that word
          would be: Hardcore. So- you're like
          a nurse?

                         EMMA
          A doctor. That`s how I know your
          grandma. She made 'me sit with her
          till I could talk to her. like a
          human being. And then she'gave me
          your number.

                         MIKE
          Right, I usually don't go out with
          people my grandma tells me td go
          out with,. but she promised me you
          were beautiful. And, you know,. I'm
          relieved,- because now I know
          Grandma's not going blind.
          Emma smiles. Mike puts his hand on hers.

                         EMMA
          Mike.

                         MIKE
          'Yeah.

                         EMMA
          Do you think we could take it slow?

                         MIKE
          Really? Because my Grandma. also
          said you looked easy.
          E r m a's. surprised.

          MIKE (CONT'D) '
          I'm kidding., my grandma didn't say
          that.
          Emma laughs, drinks some beer.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          100.
          ANGLE-OX- the TV over the bar. There's Adam, happy, swinging
          on a swing. Underneathi't says: Chlamydia.
          As we hear:

          SANRA (O.S.).
          Emma!

          ' INT . LAX- DAY
          It's Sandra Franklin, Emma's :mother. jogging down ,the hallway
          towards Emma, standing in baggage claim. Emma smiles and
          holds. out her'arms. 'They' hug. Sandra covers Emma in kisses.'

                         EMMA
          Mom! Hi!
          Sandra takes out ridiculously larger cheesy sunglasses.

                         SANDRA
          I'm in Hollywood!
          Emma smiles and looks over her- mom's shoulder to see a man.
          coming towards them, big, built-r vacant expression.,

          SANDRA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
          That's Tuck.

                         EMMA R
          Mom! Who is Tuck?
          Tuck has reached them'by now.

                         TUCK '
          Hey, 'I'm Tuck.

                         SANDRA-
          (as Randy Jackson)
          "Hollywood baby!"

          EMMA.
          Don't' do that voice in here, Mom.

                         SANDRA

                         (AGAIN)
          -Hollywood!"

          EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD-- DAY -

          -They are a11: on a tourbus going ona Celebrity gomes Tour.
          The guide is speaking Spanish. Emma's. on the .phone.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          101.

                         EMMA
          I'm sorry, Mike, I can''.t hear you-
          I'm on a Celebrities Homes Tour.
          (covering her phone)-
          Mazri, this is in Spanish.

                         SANDRA
          It - doesn't matter, wecan still
           figure out where they, live.

                         GUIDE
          . Spanish--Spanish-Spanish--Harrisonl

                         FORD SPANISH--SPANISH

                         SANDRA
          See? I love Harrison. Ford.

          MIRE (0.5.)
          You should come hang out tnight--

                         TUCK
          You love Harrison Ford more than
          me?

                         SANDRA
          (kisses him on the cheek)
          No, of course not-

                         TUCK
          Yeah, you better not,
          Emma is disgusted.

          MIKE (O.S.)

                         'I
          want you to meet some of my
          friends. They're all bringing their

                         GIRLFRIENDS--

                         EMMA

                         (UNCOMFORTABLE)
          You want Me to meet your friends?

                         GUIDE

                         SPANISH-SPANISH-SPANISH--DENZEL
          Washington, Justin Timberlake---

                         SANDRA
          (whispered, confused)
          Oh! Do they live-together?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          102.

          EXT. VENICE BEACH- DAY.

          Emma and Sandra walk ahead. Tuck walks'behind. The' sidewalks.
          are filled with freaks-- performance-artists; tattoo artists,-
          drunks, teenagers, beggars, skate-boarders,.

          SANDRA.
          I don't think this is fun as
          Universal" Studios.- - '

                         EMMA
          I'm sorry, I only have one day off,
          T .Wanted-to take you to the places.
          .1' love . Mom.,.can. we talk about-
          An artist sits on a stool. surrounded by caricatures'.

                         SANDRA
          Hey, let-'.s get. h.im to draw. your
          picture,

                         EMMA'
          No!

                         SANDRA'
          Come on. How much?

                         ARTIST
          For 'a pretty lady, 15 bucks.

                         SANDRA -
          Is that a discount?-

          - EMMA -
          Mom, it's okay, I got it--
          Emma sits down. The artist starts to draw:

                         -EMMA (CONT'D)
          What are-you doing with Tuck?

                         SANDRA
          What do you.mean? I like him. He
          takes care of me.

                         EMMA
          Why do you need to be taken care -
          of, Mom? why can't you take care of
          yourself? '

                         

                         

                         

                         

          103.

          SANDRA.
          I canrt, Emma, it's not who Iam. I
          did a lot of drugs and I went to a
          lot,. of protests so you could 'have -
          everything the boys have. Good for,
          YOU. But this is my. life, and this
          is how it turned out. I never
          thought I'd be alone' like this,, I
          thought your father was going to be
          there.

                         EMMA
          Thank god he wasn't-.

                         SANDRA
          Don't say that3

                         EMMA
          What, Mom? You never, did any of the
          things 'you wanted to- do---

                         SANDRA
          I wanted to be there for your
          father. and I was. I wanted to raise
          you and I"did. Don't tell me that
          wasn't important. Now,.I want to be
          loved. That's what I want-.

                         EMMA
          By Tuck? '

                         SANDRA
          Why don't you.take some tine 'out of
          your schedule-to love someone and
          :then come talk to me-
          Tuck comes up.

                         TUCK
          Bey, � -co me on, we're going to go
          back to the hotel, I don't like, it
          .here.' Bunch of freaks.

                         EMMA
          why don't'you stop telling her what
          to do, Tuck? Okay? She can do-what
          she wants !.- She doesn.'t need, you.

          SANDRA.
          Yes. I do.
          Sandra takes Tuck's arm.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          104.

          SANDRA' (CONT' D )
          We're, going back to"the hotel. Why
          don't you call-me when you want to
          apologize?

                         EMMA
          Yeah, Mom.. Sounds great.
          Sandra and Tack-head back to the car, with their arms 'around
          each other.
          'The artist hands her the drawing; She looks like a monster,
          with.fangs and claws. People are running away from her,,
          screaming and scared. -

          EMMA. (CONT'D)
          (a.beat)
          Okay.. Would you possibly.be aware
          of some way that I could get
          unbelievably high in the next. 5.
          minutes?''

          INT.. M KE-UP TRAILER- SAME DAY 

          A make-up artist is putting bloody gore on Adam's head.
          There's a logo"for a TV show on the chairs.

                         ADAM
          Sorry- I'm nervous, it's my first.
          line on a TV show.

                         MAKE--UP ARTIST
          Oh yeah.? What is it?

                         ADAM
          I say; "Put down the guns
          The .make--up artist attaches small chunks of brain down his
          face.

                         MAKE-UP ARTIST
          I.guess he doesn't.put down the
          gun.

                         ADAM
          No,-it looks like he'.doesn't.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          105.

          INT. BAR- DAY- LATER

          .Mike sits with a bunch of'pr'eppy guys watching .a game on the
          TV -over . the bar. Their -preppy girlfriends are talking in a
          clump. _ 'Fauna, ' now very stoned, stands with the girls'.

                         GIRLFRIEND #1
          I finally-got the flowers figured,
          out, but there's so much dress-
          drama. I'm doing-a princess cut but
          I don't want all. the poofs-

          GIRLFRIEND #2.
          Oh I love the poofsL

                         EMMA

                         (GIGGLING)
          Poofs.

                         GIRLFRIEND

                         (IGNORING HER)
          I just don't think you can have too

                         MANY POOFS--

                         EMMA
          (.giggling more)
          I poofed in my pant's .

          INT. SOUND STAGE- DAY- LATER

          Adam is in wardrobe wearing bloody clothes with a massive,
          disgusting head wound. He's talking to-a 2 or 3 other guys
          with head wounds. They're all. doing ChristopherWalken'
          imitations.
          A PA walks up to the group.

          P. A.

                         (WHISPERED-)
          Your phone - has -been -ringing for the
          past half-hour. Do you want to take
          it? It's from, uh, "Do Not  Call'
          Her"?
          Adamgrabs the phone.

                         ADAM

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Emma? -

                         

                         

                         

                         

          106.

          INT. BAR BATHROOM DAY- CROSS CUT

          Emma,. high out of her mind,. curled up in a ball in -the
          bathroom.'

                         EMMA
          'Adam. Adam. I'm stoned and
          .everyone's talking about weddings.:

                         ADAM
          I'm there.
          Adam starts running.

          HEAD WOUND GUY _
          What's going on?

                         ADAM
          I'm- sorry-- Can 'you tell them I have

                         AN EMERGENCY-

          HEAD WOUND 'GUY .
          Dude, you can't go out there like
          that!.
          Adam's running and can't heat.

                         ADAM'

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Where are you?

          EXT-. HIGHWAY-= DAY
          People in a car are looking over at another car,., scared.
          ANGLE ON- Adam, still in wardrobe, driving as- fast as he can.

          BACK TO THE BAR:
          Mike's' got' his-arm around Emma, who is up against a wall,. her
          'eyes,darting around- Who are these people?

                         BOYFRIEND #2
          Babe, can you get me some. nuts?.

                         GIRLFRIEND #2
          From the bar?

                         BOYFRIEND #2
          No, deez nuts.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          107.
          The guys slap hands, everyone laughs, Emma is freaking out.
          Suddenly, she looks up, smiles. one of the girlfriends looks
          up and screams: -
          ANGLE ON- Adam, in a bloody wardrobe with a massive head
          wound, standing-in front of the table. They're just staring
          at each other grinning.

                         MIKE
          Emma?

          ' EP91+A,.
          - (still staring at Adam)
          I'm sorry, Mike, I have to go. 'This
          man needs medical assistance.

          EXT. BAR- DUSK

          Emma and Adam run but of the bar, laughing. They're grabbing
          each other,-kissing.

                         EMMA
          Adam Kurtzman.-

                         ADAM
          Emma Franklin.
          They kiss some more. People walk by, surprised or confused to
          .see someone with a massive head wound kissing someone. A big
          scoop of his'brains fall on the sidewalk.

          ' EXT. VENICE BEACH- SUNSET

          Adam -sits next to Emma on the -beach watching a big,
          beautiful, 'Venice beach-sunset. There's a drum circle nearby.

                         EMMA
          My mom's. in town,. she's wearing big'
          sunglasses and randomly yelling-out
          "Hollywood Baby!l"She has -a new
          boyfriend. I was meaxi to him.-

                         ADAM
          why?

                         EMMA
          -I don't know.

                         (A BEAT)

                         (MORE)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          108.

          EMMA ' (CONT' D )
          After my dad got sick, my mom-would
          try to feed, him dinner and he'd 
          spit up-the food--he'd yell at her.
          Herd blame her because he couldn't
          swallow.' And she just kept feeding
          him.

                         (A BEAT)
          She.told me I don't understand,'
          because I've never been in love.

                         (A BEAT)
          But that's-not true. Because I have
          been. T am.

                         ADAM
          You hurt me. A lot. A Lot.

                         EMMA
          I know.

                         (A BEAT)
          Am I high or. is the sun setting?

                         ADAM
          No, you're just high.

                         EMMA
          It's beautiful.

                         (A BEAT)
          Come home with me tonight. Adam?.

                         ADAM

                         (A :BEAT )
          Of course I'm coming home with you,
          are you, kidding me? '
          They kiss. It's kind of a desperate kiss, like. they're both
          trying-to say something they can't say.'

          IN . EMMA'' S -BEDROOM- NIGHT- LA`MR '
          Emma and Adam are kissing, taking off their clothes. It's
          still urgent, desperate.

                         ADAM
          What is it about you?'Why can't I
          get enough' of you?

                         EMMA
          I missed you so much-

                         ADAM
          You're gonna kill me--

                         

                         

                         

                         

          109.

                         EMMA
          I love you.-And I can't see how I
          could'ever love anyone else.
          Emma slips her shoes off.-Adam sees her do it, this'is
          everything hers always wanted. He kisses her. back. -
          This -is a different kind of sex- it's intense, intimate.-I
          don't'know how much'of it we see, but they're looking into
          each other's eyes, not speaking. it takes them by surprise'.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER

          Emma and Adam, after the-fact. They're both a little freaked
          out.
          Adam has his hand awkwardly draped over her shoulder. It's
          not comfortable for either one of them.

                         EMMA
          That was.

                         ADAM
          Yeah.

                         EMMA

                         (A BEAT)
          Hey- tomorrow, maybe we should
          finally have breakfast?

                         ADAM
          Yeah. That sounds good.
          Emma looks happy, closes her eyes. Adam keeps his eyes open,
          scared out of his mind.

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- MORNING

          Emma wakes up alone- Adam's gone. She doesn't seem. surprised.

                         EMMA
          Yeah.

          IT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL-- DAY
          Two days later. Emma is looking at her. phone- there are no
          messages. Sandra and.Tuck are visiting the hospital.

                         SANDRA
          I thought you might call.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          110.

                         EMMA
          I just, I had to. 90 into work,.
          Emma looks down the hallway.
          ANGLE ON- Dr. Metzner discretely brushing some hair off the
          - face-of Connie, the other female resident.. Dr. Metzner sees
          her looking  at him,
          Emma has no reaction.

                         SANDRA
          No, I understand, you're busy. I'm
          so proud of you, it's such.a great
          big hospital-.

                         TUCK
          We saw Carrot Top.

                         SANDRA
          Oh! I forgot to tell you! We were,
          getting a bagelaind he was getting.
          a bagel too. And that,' s the. whole
          story.

                         TUCK
          Stars- they're just like.us.

                         EMMA
          (looking at her phone

                         AGAIN)
          That's exciting.

                         SANDRA
          Why do you keep looking atyour I
          .phone?
          Dr. Metzner walks up.

          DR. METZNER
          You must be Dr. Franklin's Mom.

                         SANDRA
          Oh. Yes, I am. Hello.

          DR. METZNER-
          How long are you here?

                         SANDRA'-
          'Just, till, tomorrow:

                         TUCK
          We saw Carrot Top.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          DR. METZNER
          Well, I can't compete r►rith that,
          but I can tell.you that we're lucky
          to have her here.

                         (JOKING)
          Now get back to work, Emmal
          Sandra and- Tuck laugh. ' as . Dr.' Metzner walks . away.

                         SANDRA
          (soft, to Emma)
          Who's he?
          Emma's.looking at her phone again,-distracted.

                         EMMA
          What?
          Sandra looks at Emma, worried- she can tell something's. not
          right. -

          EXT. HOTEL-.DAY -

          The next day. Em'ma'is gutting her mom's bags in the car. Tuck'
          honks the horn.

                         TUCK
          (from the car)
          Flight leaves in 45 minutes!

          SANDRA.
          Okay Tuck! Emma-

                         EMMA
          You should go-

                         SANDRA
          Wait. I wanted to say something-

                         EMMA -
          Come on Mom, you don't have to-

                         SANDRA -
          Listen to me. I could never stand
          to see you in pain- you're xiiy
          child. And I think you -knew thatr
          and-I think you got good at- -being
          -strong for me. But, Emma, I'm.
          telling; you: Be hurt. I can take
          it. The world can take it. Don't. be
          so strong, you miss the fun.-

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         EMMA
          (after a couple beats)
          Okay.
          Tuck honks the horn again.

                         TUCK

                         (FROM CAR)
          We're..not gonna make it.

                         SANDRA
          We'll make it, Tuck.
          Sandra rushes into the car.-Ea grabs her

                         TUCK

                         (FROM CAR)
          You're a nice kid.

                         EMMA

                         (GENUINE)
          Thanks Tuck.
          Emma waves as they pull, out. Watches them go.. Gets out.her .
          -phone- punches some-buttons, looking -fora number.

          EMMA (CONT'-D.)
          Hi,. Scottie? It's Emma. I.know this
          is weird, but do you know where I
          can find him? .

          INT. GROUNDLINGS.STAGE-- NIGHT

          Right before Adam's show- Alvin and Vanessa are there' .Ell"
          ' Scottie, the gay Dads. Adam's behind the mike.

                         ADAM
          (laughing at himself)
          Hello Los :Angeles.
          Emma, with a hoodie over her scrubs, comes in the back.

          ADAM (CONT'D).
          Someone told me recently that I
          look like Richard Nixon when I Gum.
          Adam does a little- imitation of what that looks. like. Emma
          smiles, -kind of embarrassed. She looks over and sees Alv n
          and Vanessa there too, laughing.-She's surprised'.

                         ;I

                         

                         

                         

                         

          113.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          And it suddenly became clear why
          none of my girlfriends ever wanted
          to have sex with me. I thought it
          was just because my dick was too
          big and it scared them-But
          apparently-that's not the problem.
          At all. Actually, I've heard it's
          like acupuncture- you're- on your
          back the whole time and you don't
          even feel it go in. That's what my
          ex-girlfriend told me before she
          started dating my father.
          Vanessa and Alvin laugh, Vanessa covers her head with-her
          hand.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          Actually they're getting married.
          So Mother's Day just keeps getting
          better and better. (MORE JOKES

          ABOUT THE DAD)

          INT. GROUNDLINGS STAGE- NIGHT- LATER

          After the show. Emma, is trying to find Adam in crowds of
          people. She can't find him'. She finds Eli.

                         SCOTTIE
          .Hey: I'm glad you came-.

                         EMMA
          Do you know where he is?

                         SCOTTIE
          I. don't know- back there?

          INT. GROUNDLINGS THEATER- BACKSTAGE HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS

          Emma walks into a hallway backstage, and sees Adam talking
          and laughing with another girl- he leans downaiid.kisses. her.
          Emm a turns and runs. Pushes people out of her way.

          EXT. GROUNDLINGS PARKING LOT- NIGHT-- CONTINUOUS

          Emma is running over to her car. Adam -runs after her.

                         ADAM

                         EMMA

                         

                         

                         

                         
          i14.

                         EMMA
          it's fine, I just wanted to tell
          you Good Job.

                         ADAM
          Come. on.

                         EMMA
          What?

                         ADAM
          I know-I didn't stay,'and I'm sorry=

                         EMMA
          I don't need the apology shit.

                         ADAM
          I don't care if you need It., just
          stop for a second. so I can' explain--

                         EMMA
          Explain what?

                         ADAM
          Emma, you can't just call me and
          tell me that now everything's
          different, now, you love me, now you,
          want to be.my girlfriend- after I
          spent-months trying to get over you
          somehow, trying to tell myselfto
          forget-you- you can't just .call me
          and, expect me to just come running-
          which I did, I know, but I can't
          just jump back in, I can't just
          start over, all of a sudden.

                         EMMA 
          I know.. It doesn't- work that way.. I
          . get i.t . 
          They look at each other, at a loss.

                         ADAM
          Maybe-we just-'I don't know, maybe
          we blew it. Maybe ' our.'timing was

                         JUST WRONG-

                         EMMA
          .Maybe, but maybe that's just the
          way. it. happened. Maybe we were just
          growing up. But I'm in love with
          you.

                         (MOPJ)

                         

                         

                         

                         

          115.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          I want to write it on myforehead,
          t want to buy a t-shirt that's
          says: "I love.Adam Kurtzman" and
          wear it around all day long. What
          do you want me to do?.

                         ADAM
          I don't know.

                         E
          why did we waste so much time
          pretending like we didn't.care?.

                         ADAM

                         ENUNA---

                         EMMA
          I want that time back. I want to
          break all those rules. I want to
          try this. Let's try.

                          ADAM

                         (A BEAT)
          I don't think I can do'it again.

          EMMA.
          Yeah. Okay.

                         ADAM
          But we should still, you know, see

                         EACH OTHER-

          .EMMA
          Come on. We don't 'have to break up,
          we never even started.

                         (A BEAT)
          You're going to be so great.

                         ADAM
          Wait, Emma, I have to go on again-.
          A guy comes. out of the club and calls.

                         MAN
          Hey, Adam, get in here-
          Adam. runs back to the building.

                         ADAM
          Don't go anywhere, okay
          Emma watches h:im - go. She gets in her car, closes the door.

                         

                         

                         

                         
          .(into phone)
          Are.youstill working? I'll meet
          you outside.

          EXT. GROUNDLINGS-.: NIGHT

          Adamis'sitting on the curb, outside the club. Alvin is
          sitting down next-to him.

          ADAM!
          Is everyone gone?

                         ALVIN
          .Vanessa went home to walk the dog..
          We- have: a dog now. She named it
          Freckle. I don't know what to do
          about that.

                         (A BEAT)
          I might kill it. I don't know yet.,
          Only time will tell.
          ,(a beat)
          Hey;-let's pretend I'm a good dad.
          and you tell me what the hell's
          wrong with you and then I take you.
          fishing.

          ADAM,
          I'm completely in -love with
          someone, and I'm brainstorming ways
          that I can never see her again
          without ruining my life.',

                         ALVIN
          How'd.you get so screwed up?

                         (A BEAT)
          Oh yeah.-I did it.

                         ADAM
          I'm just like you- I'm going to
          fuck it all up. Like you. -Like you
          gave up on Mom.

                         ALVIN
          (a beat) '
          When ' we -first , had you, we hadn't
          slept in days, we were just shoving'
          food in our mouths over the sink
          whenever we could. And finally, I
          got it together enough to get. some
          take-out from one of the
          -restaurants we used to like.

          (MORE)  

                         

                         

                         

                         

          117.

                         ALVIN (CONT'D)
          And I set it all out on,the table,
          and the second we sat down, I think
          it was the first bite I took, you
          started crying. And your Horn and I
          looked at each-other-and just

                         STARTED-LAUGHING- LIKE
          uncontrollably laughing., We're on
          the floor, we can't breathe.. that
          kind of laughing.

                         (A BEAT)
          I'm pretty sure that was the best
          of moment of my life'. If, you rre not
          Counting anything with a blowjob.

          ADAM.
          So why'd-you start dicking around?'.
          Why'd you leave her?

                         ALVIN
          I don't know. I-think the. simplest
          answer is: I'm a jerk. And--the.
          other answer is: Because - at -some
          point, we forgot how to make each
          other laugh.. And if that-sounds
          like a bullshit answer, you're
          probably right. But if it 'sounds
          really deep, then - that-'s, good too.

                         (A BEAT)
          Alto.-just FYI- the first time I
          cheated .oft.' your mom, I. was on a lot
          of blow. So. if you're married and
          you. do blow, try to avoid-being
          -around women who wantto_fuck.you.
          Even fat women. Blow is-blind,
          Adam, blow is blind.

                         ADAM

                         {A BEAT)
          You're an asshole.

                         ALVIN
          But you're not. Call her.

                         ADAM
          Don't tell me what to do.
          (a beat, smiles).
          I'm going to. call her.

          EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT- LATER

          Emma stands in front 'of her car. Her phone is ringing, she
          ignoresit, throws it into the car. Dr. Metzner comes out of
          .the hospital, looks at her.

                         

                         

                         

                         

                         118

                         EMMA
          So. Great. Let's do this.

          DR. METZNER
          Emma.

          EMMA,
          What. do you have- an hour? A half
          an hour?

          DR. METZNER

                         (A BEAT)
          You.don't' need me.

                         EMMA
          I know. i

                         (A BEAT)
          So this isn't part of our
          arrangement, but do you think you
          could hold me?

          DR. METZNER
          Yeah. I think so.
          -He walks up and puts his arm around -her.

                         EMMA
          How does this work--'head on your
          shoulder, head on- your .chest?

          DR. METZNER
          Whatever you feel like.
          She puts her head on his shoulder. it's uncomfortable, but it
          feels good.

           DR. METZNER (CONT'D)
           I've got to go soon.

                          EMMA

                          (EYES CLOSED)
          T know- - -

           INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM-' NIGHT- LATER -

          -Emma is on-the bed with the phone, to her ear.

                         EMMA

          MOM?

                         

                         

                         

                         

          119.

          EXT. FRANKLIN HOUSE DRIVEWA1 NIGHT- CROSS CUT

          Sandra is in the driveway, Tuck is taking the bags out of the
          car- it's very late in'Michigan. -

                         SANDRA'
          Are you okay? Honey? We just-got
          home.

                         EMMA
          I think I get it, Mom.
          Emma starts to cry, hard.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)
          It hurts.

                         SANDRA
          Yeah. It does.
          They 'don't-say anything- Sandra sits on the front steps of
          the house and just listens on the other end as. Emma cries.

          -TNT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY.
          The next'day. Adam runs into the door. Waits, for the -
          elevator.

          INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS

          Adam runs up to-the desk.

                         ADAM
          Emma Franklin--do you know where
          she is?

                         NURSE
          I can't-tell you that, and.no.

                          - ADAM
           whatif I start running through the
           hospital and taking everyone off -
          life support? -

                         NURSE

                         (NOT IMPRESSED)
          I would call Security, like I'm
          doing right.now.
          Dr. Metzner is nearby.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          - 120.

          DR. -METZNER
          Hi . Emma didn't come in today..
          Adam' s-phone rings. He looks down, picks it up-

                         ADAM
          Where are. you? Are'you at:home?
          EMMA (o.S.)
          Channel 27.

                         ADAM
          okay, hold an.

          EMMA- (C.S. )
          Channel 27.'
          Adam goes. to the TV in the waiting room, reaches up and-
          changes the channel away from "The Price is Right."

                         NURSE
          You can't change the channel-..
          Adam gets it on Channel 27- it's Bambi.

                         ADAM

                         (INTO PHONE)
          Fuck. Bambi. Fuck.

                         NURSE
          What's wrong with Bambi?
          Adam runs out of the waiting room, as Dr. Metzner'watches him
          go.' There's a little regret in � his .face. Nurse is glued ,to
          the TV. - s

                         NURSE (CONT'D)
          Have you ever eaten deer? It's
          pretty good.

          INT. EMMA'S HALLWAY- DAY

          Adam standing outside Emma's door: Knocks. Knocks. He puts
          his head on the door.

                         ADAM

                         (SOFT)
          please..
          Emma opens the door. She's been crying for hours. She ldoks
          wild, raw, a hurt animal. They stare at each other from;
          either side: of the door.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          121.

                         EMMA
          My dad.

                         ADAM
          I know.

          EMMA.
          Bambi.

                         ADAM
          I- know.

                         EMMA
          (after a beat)
          if you come in here, you're never
          .leaving.
          Adam steps inside, takes her-in his arms, she really starts
          to sob.

                         EMMA (CONT'D)

                         (SOBBING)
          He's just.a baby deer.

                         ADAM
          I know, he's a little baby deer.
          He just holds her. He starts crying too. They are both
          crying.

                         EMMA
          Are you crying?

                         ADAM
          Yeah.

                         EMMA
          why. are you crying?

                         -ADAM
          I don't know.
          They hold each other.in the doorway, crying. He hands her the
          rubber chicken., she takes it, still crying.

          INT. EM'S HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER

          They're still standing in the doorway, crying.

                         ADAM
          ,Are you good?-

                         

                         

                         

                         

          122.

                         EMMA
          i think so.
          Emma starts crying again.

          EMMA (CONT'D)
          I thought I-was done.

                         ADAM
          That's okay, that's.okay..
          She holds' onto him. He starts crying again too.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          Oh crap.
          They hold onto each other, crying ridiculously hard.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          What's after Bambi?: I brought.
          Schindler's List.

                         EMMA
          I don't know if I can do it.

                         ADAM
          You can do it.

                         EMMA
          'oh god- I can't do it-.
          Emma starts kissing him. He kisses her back,

          INT. EMMA'S HOUSE- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER

          Clothes, blankets, shoes, socks, a 'rubber , chicken.' On the TV
          Screen, grown--up Bambi is .eating a branch. 'Emma and. Adam are
          kissing tenderly. The crying has stopped for now.

                         EMMA
          'Do you think we'.re the only people,
          .who've' ever fucked 'while watching
          Bambi?

                         ADAM
          -Yes. The only ones not in jail.
          .She laughs.-He kisses her some more.

                         

                         

                         

                         

          123..

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          You know what I want to doh I want
          to buy light bulbs with different
          wattage so I.can see you in.every
          kind of light.

                         EMMA
          I'm gonna: Make you do push-ups when
          yourre old so your-heart stays
          healthy.

                         ADAM
          I'm gonna- I'm gonna build you a
          log cabin.

                         EMMA

                         (SMILING)
          I don't want toa log cabin.

                         ADAM
          We're gonna break all those rules.

                         EMMA
          Not the one about calling-me ia the
          middle of the day.

                         ADAM
          Not that one. But the one about
          peeing, in front of you. I.'m gonna
          do that whenever I can.
          Emma laughs and cries.

                         EMMA
          I'm so - glad you're alive.

                         ADAM
          Are you glad I'm making this face?
          Adam makes a funny face. Emma laughs.

                         ADAM (CONT'D)
          I'm totally, completely, -
          ridiculously in love with you-
          Adam kisses-down.-her stomach, she laughs, happy, it feels
          good... then she turns and sees the'TV screen where'Thumper
          thumping his leg.

                         EMMA
          Turn Bambi off- turn Bambi off-

                         

                         

                         

                         

          124..

          INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- THE NEXT MORNING.

          Like the first scene, we are looking at -them-in bed, from'
          above. But this' time, they are asleep, wrapped in each
          other's arms. I don't know if it's spooning,:but-it's
          something tangled. Light is coming in the window. Adam opens
          his eyes-and looks. at the sleeping Emna. He leans his head
          'down to hers. 

                         ADAM
          Hey.'

                         EMMA
          (still with her eyes

                         CLOSED)
          Hey.

                         ADAM

                         (WHISPEREDR TENDER)
          What are we going to have for
          breakfast?
          Emma, still half-asleep, smiles.

          EMMA.
          Bacon.

                         ADAM

                         (WHISPERED)
          I'm going to get you so 'much
          bacon...
          Thankfully,'we don't have to see that. Fade to black-as'we
          hear some amazing song, in my head it's "You'Ain't Goin'
          -Nowhere. ".


          THE END




No Strings Attached



Writers :   Elizabeth Meriwether
Genres :   Comedy  Romance


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