SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD
Written by
Edgar Wright & Michael Bacall
Based On The Graphic Novels by
Bryan Lee O'Malley
May 13, 2010
1 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 1
Snowy suburbs of Toronto. From a nondescript house we hear:
KIM PINE (O.S.)
Scott Pilgrim is dating a high schooler?
2 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 2
Four twenty-somethings lounge around a small kitchen table.
STEPHEN STILLS, 25, shaggy hair, Canadian Cowboy chic.
STEPHEN STILLS
Really? Is she hot?
KIM PINE, 22, cute, bitter, sweatshirt with a zipper.
KIM PINE
How old are you now, Scott? Like
twenty-eight?
SCOTT
I'm not playing your little games.
KIM PINE
So you've been out of high school
for like, 13 years and-
SCOTT (O.S.)
I'm twenty-two. Twenty-two!
STEPHEN STILLS
And you're dating a high school
girl? Not bad, not bad.
YOUNG NEIL, 20, simple mind, layered T-shirts.
YOUNG NEIL
Like, did you guys 'do it' yet?
SCOTT PILGRIM, 22, fresh faced and charmingly cocky with an
unruly yet adorable mop of hair.
SCOTT
We have done many things. We ride
the bus. We have meaningful
conversations about how yearbook
club went and about her friends
and, um...you know...drama.
STEPHEN STILLS
Yeah, okay, have you even kissed her?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 1A.
2 CONTINUED: 2
SCOTT
We almost held hands once, but then
she got embarrassed.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 2.
2 CONTINUED: (2) 2
KIM PINE
Well. Aren't you pleased as punch?
STEPHEN STILLS
So, what's her name?
SCOTT
(pleased as punch)
Knives Chau. She's Chinese.
STEPHEN STILLS
(under his breath)
Chinese...
Young Neil pauses his Nintendo DS.
YOUNG NEIL
Wicked! How'd you meet her?
SCOTT
I believe I mentioned the bus?
Scott Pilgrim prepares to tell an amazing story:
3 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 3
KNIVES CHAU, 17, cute and innocent with clothes to match,
sits next to her mother, MOTHER CHAU, 45, demanding.
MOTHER CHAU
You are seventeen year old! Time to
get interested in boy!
KNIVES CHAU
Mom!
Knives DROPS her bag, books scattering everywhere.
MOTHER CHAU
You drop book.
Knives crouches down to pick up her books, grumbling.
SCOTT (O.S.)
Hey...
Knives looks up to see the cute and gallant SCOTT PILGRIM
holding her books. TEXT appears in an on-screen box:
"SCOTT PILGRIM, 22 YEARS OLD, RATING: AWESOME."
Stars appear in Knives's eyes. Scott grins heroically. Scott
winks at Knives. Scott winks at the camera.
INTEGRATED FINAL 2A.
4 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' KITCHEN - DAY 4
Back in the kitchen, everyone looks at Scott...
KIM PINE
Is that seriously the end of the story?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 3.
4 CONTINUED: 4
SCOTT
Yes. It is.
Young Neil unpauses his Nintendo DS.
STEPHEN STILLS
So when do we get to meet her?
KIM PINE
Oh please. Let it be soon.
DINGY DONG! The doorbell rings. Scott smiles broadly.
SCOTT
That's for me.
5 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 5
An eager Knives stands outside. Scott opens the door a crack.
SCOTT
You promise to be good?
KNIVES CHAU
Of course I'll be good!
SCOTT
No, really. Please be good.
KNIVES CHAU
Am I normally not?
Stephen Stills comes to the door and peers through.
SCOTT
Oh, hey. Knives, this is Stephen
Stills. He's the talent.
STEPHEN STILLS
Hey.
STILLS shuts the door on a confused Knives.
STEPHEN STILLS
Is she gonna geek out on us?
SCOTT
She'll just sit in the corner, man.
STEPHEN STILLS
I mean, I want her to geek out on us.
SCOTT
She'll geek. She geeks. She has the
capacity to geek.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 3A.
5 CONTINUED: 5
Stephen Stills quickly opens the door and waves Knives in.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 4.
5 CONTINUED: (2) 5
STEPHEN STILLS
You're good.
6 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 6
Knives enters, looking around the rehearsal pad with awe:
Bare bulb, ratty rug, drums, guitar, bass, LAME BRAND amps.
KNIVES CHAU
Wow.
SCOTT
Knives, that's Kim. Lemme get your coat.
Scott throws Knives' coat on the floor. Knives waves.
KNIVES CHAU
Hi, sorry, what was your name?
KIM PINE (O.S.)
Kim.
KNIVES CHAU
You play the drums?
REVEAL Kim sitting behind the drumset, sticks in her hands.
KIM PINE
...yes.
KNIVES CHAU
That is so awesome.
SCOTT
Knives, that's Young Neil.
KNIVES CHAU
Hi. What do you play?
YOUNG NEIL
Uh, wow...Zelda...Tetris...that's
kind of a big question.
Knives stares blankly at Young Neil, who finally gets it.
YOUNG NEIL
Oh. I'm not in the band. I just
live here.
Sex Bob-Omb has geared up. Amps hum to life.
SCOTT
Let's start with Launchpad McQuack.
STEPHEN STILLS
That's not the actual title of the-
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 5.
6 CONTINUED: 6
KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! 1-2-3-4!
Kim BASHES the kit and Sex Bob-Omb EXPLODE INTO ROCK! GUITAR
AND BASS LEADS LEAP INTO THE AIR, SPELLING OUT OUR TITLE...
SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD
TITLES continue over the song as the small rehearsal space
seems to GROW with the music. Stephen Stills barks
unintelligable lyrics.
Knives watches, jaw ajar. The song ends, feedback lingering.
KNIVES CHAU
You guys...are so...amazing.
7 EXT. BUS STOP - EVENING 7
Scott bids adieu to a stunned Knives as she gets on a bus.
KNIVES CHAU
I can't even...Sex Bob-Omb.
Amazing.
8 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' ROOM - EVENING 8
The band and Young Neil lounge around Stephen Stills' room.
STEPHEN STILLS
She seems nice.
SCOTT
Yeaaah.
YOUNG NEIL
She seems awesome.
SCOTT
Yeaaah.
KIM PINE
Scott, if your life had a face I
would punch it.
SCOTT
Yeaaah...wait, what?
KIM PINE
I mean, are you really happy or are
you really evil?
SCOTT
Like, do I have ulterior motives or
something? I'm offended, Kim.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 6.
8 CONTINUED: 8
STEPHEN STILLS
Wounded even?
SCOTT
Hurt, Kim.
KIM PINE
You? Hurt?
Scott takes a breath, turns to Young Neil.
SCOTT
Neil, you were saying she seems awesome.
YOUNG NEIL
Yeah, she seems awesome.
SCOTT
Yeaaaah...
9 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - EVENING 9
Scott hangs his coat up in a tiny, one room apartment. He
turns to WALLACE WELLS, dark hair, arched eyebrow, disloyal.
"WALLACE WELLS, ROOMMATE, 24 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: HE IS GAY!"
SCOTT
Before you hear some dirty lies
from someone else, yes, I'm dating
a 17 year old.
Wallace looks up from the NOW magazine he's reading.
WALLACE
Is he cute?
SCOTT
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
WALLACE
Does this mean we have to stop
sleeping together?
SCOTT
Do you see another bed in here?
TINY BOXES OF TEXT indicate the ownership of the items in the
one room flat: 95% belongs to Wallace, FUTON included.
WALLACE
Yeah. You're totally my bitch forever.
SCOTT
So. The whole seventeen year old
thing. Don't tell too many people.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 6A.
9 CONTINUED: 9
WALLACE
Hey, you know me.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 7.
9 CONTINUED: (2) 9
SCOTT
I mean. Don't tell my sister.
WALLACE
You know me.
Wallace tosses the NOW magazine aside, starts texting.
SCOTT
Who are you texting?
RINGY RING. The phone goes. Scott picks up.
STACEY (O.S.)
Seventeen years old? Scandal!
Intercut with STACEY PILGRIM, cute, peppy barista, gabbing on
her cellphone in THE SECOND CUP. A sign behind her reads 'If
you are using your cellphone, you will not be served'.
"STACEY PILGRIM, YOUNGER SISTER, 19, RATING: 'T' FOR TEEN."
SCOTT
That's not true. Who told you?
STACEY
Wallace. Duh.
SCOTT
That gossipy bitch.
WALLACE (O.S.)
You know me.
Scott turns to see Wallace on a second cordless.
SCOTT
Wallace!
Wallace clicks off. Scott sinks into an armchair.
STACEY
Who is this mysterious child you date?
SCOTT
Her name is Knives. Knives Chau.
STACEY
A seventeen year old Chinese
schoolgirl? You're ridiculous.
SCOTT
It's a Catholic school too.
STACEY
With the uniform and everything?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 8.
9 CONTINUED: (3) 9
SCOTT
Yeah, the whole deal.
STACEY
Oh my God, you haven't-
SCOTT
No no no. We haven't even held
hands. I think she hugged me once.
STACEY
Um, Scott. Why are you doing this?
SCOTT
I don't know...it's just nice, you
know? It's just...simple.
STACEY
It's been over a year since you got
dumped by she-who-will-not-be-named.
Scott glances down at the partially obscured NOW magazine,
looking into the HOT GIRL'S EYES on the back cover album ad.
STACEY (CONT'D)
So, are you legitimately moving on,
or is this just you being insane?
Scott looks at a strip of photobooth pictures: he smiles next
to a hot redhead in happier times.
SCOTT
Can I get back to you on that?
A SCHOOL BELL clangs loudly...
10 EXT. CATHOLIC SCHOOL - DAY 10
Wallace and Scott stand outside a CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL.
Uniformed boys and girls pour out.
WALLACE
I do not want to be here. At all.
SCOTT
This school has boys too.
WALLACE
I hate you. Even I would think twice
about dating a seventeen year old.
SCOTT
Well, she's only allowed out when
the sun is up, so I wouldn't call
it dating, more like...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 8A.
10 CONTINUED: 10
WALLACE
Playtime?
SCOTT
That doesn't sound so good either.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 9.
10 CONTINUED: (2) 10
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Scott! Heyyyy!
Knives skips to Scott. Her shy friend TAMARA lingers behind.
SCOTT
Hey Knives, this is my cool gay
roommate, Wallace Wells. He's gay.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hi! Do you want to know who in
my class is gay?
WALLACE
Yes. Does he wear glasses?
SCOTT
Wallace, you go now! Begone!
Wallace pulls Knives close. Whispers.
WALLACE
You're too good for him. Run.
11 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 11
Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION (think a martial
arts version of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION).
They punch and kick in unison, side by side.
SCOTT
Did you know the original name of Pac-
man was Puck-man? You would think it's
because Pac-Man looks like a yellow
hockey puck, but actually it comes
from the Japanese phrase paku-paku
which means to flap ones mouth open
and closed. They changed it over here
because Puck-Man is too easy to
vandalize. You know, scratch out the P
and turn it into an F or whatever?
Knives flips over Scott's back in a COMBO move.
KNIVES CHAU
Ohmigod, like...wow.
SCOTT
Yeah. Wow.
The game ends. CONTINUE appears, counting down: 10...9...8...
Scott looks at Knives. She digs for quarters.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I got it!
INTEGRATED FINAL 10.
12 EXT. "PIZZA PIZZA" - DAY 12
Scott and Knives leave a pizza joint, slices in hand.
KNIVES CHAU
Tamara is into this Korean guy,
Bobby, but everyone thinks Bobby
has a crush on Mina.
SCOTT
I thought Derek and Tamara had a
mutual like-each-other thing going,
what happened?
A13 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY A13
Scott and Knives shop for T-shirts. Hangers click in time.
KNIVES CHAU
I don't listen to much music. I
know a lot of kids who play piano
or whatever, but you guys ROCK.
SCOTT
I knew I personally rocked, but I
never suspected that we rocked as a
unit. Thank you, Knives.
13 INT. SONIC BOOM (RECORD STORE) - DAY 13
Scott and Knives flip through records in perfect sync.
KNIVES CHAU
I mean, you guys are gonna be HUGE.
SCOTT
Well, we're already pretty big. But
it might be cool if cool people
wore our T-shirt.
Knives speaks to a female clerk, surly with tats and specs:
"JULIE, 22, STILLS' GIRLFRIEND, RATING: WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?"
KNIVES CHAU
Excuse me, do you have anything by
'The Clash At Demonhead'?
JULIE
Have you tried the section marked
'The Clash At Demonhead'?
SCOTT
Thank you, Julie.
JULIE
Are you coming to my party Friday
or will you be busy babysitting?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 10A.
13 CONTINUED: 13
SCOTT
Thank you, Julie.
(TO KNIVES)
You don't want to listen to her.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 11.
13 CONTINUED: (2) 13
SCOTT (CONT'D)
And you definitely don't want to
listen to them.
Scott puts The Clash at Demonhead CD back in the rack.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh, I heart them so much.
SCOTT
I hearted them too until they signed
to a major label and the singer turned
into a total bitch and ruined my life.
But that's just me.
KNIVES CHAU
(OBLIVIOUS)
Envy Adams is sooo cool. Do you
read her blog?
SCOTT
Sorry, you were saying about me?
14 EXT. SNOWY TORONTO STREET - DAY 14
Scott and Knives amble down a snow covered sidewalk.
KNIVES CHAU
I mean, I've...I've never gone out
with someone so talented.
SCOTT
You go out with a lot of guys?
KNIVES CHAU
...no.
SCOTT
Yeah, so whatever, man!
KNIVES CHAU
I've never even kissed a guy.
Knives blushes and looks at the ground. Scott hugs her.
SCOTT
Me neither.
15 EXT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 15
Scott and Knives walk up to the front of Wallace's apartment.
KNIVES CHAU
So this is your secret lair? Can I
come in?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 12.
15 CONTINUED: 15
SCOTT
My secret lair is one of those 'no
girls allowed' deals.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh, okay.
SCOTT
But do you want to see the house
where I grew up?
KNIVES CHAU
Sure.
They literally walk across the street to a small house.
SCOTT
Here you go.
KNIVES CHAU
Wow.
SCOTT
Yeah. Wow.
Wind blows. The light snowfall turns into sand...
16 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - HOTTEST DAY 16
...Scott wanders alone through a barren land. He falls to his
knees next to a lonely cactus.
SCOTT
Oh God...so...so alone.
A MYSTERIOUS GIRL rollerblades across the shifting sands. She
wears fishnets, an army jacket, skirt and goggles. Her pink
hair is funky but cool. She is hotter than the desert sun.
MYSTERIOUS GIRL
You're not alone. You're just
having some idiotic dream.
SCOTT
Does that mean we can make out?
But she's gone...
17 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - ? 17
...SCOTT WAKES UP, sitting up in the FUTON.
SCOTT
Oh God...
Wallace wakes up to the left of Scott, rubbing his eyes.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 13.
17 CONTINUED: 17
WALLACE
What is it, Scott?
SCOTT
I had this totally weird dream.
OTHER VOICE
Oh God.
WALLACE
What is it, Scott?
A scruffy, goateed guy wakes right between Scott and Wallace:
"OTHER SCOTT, 22, WALLACE'S BOYFRIEND? FUN FACT: GUY CURIOUS"
OTHER SCOTT
Can we skip the dreamtime? Color me
not interested.
SCOTT
But there was this girl...
WALLACE
Girl?
OTHER SCOTT
Was this an Envy related dream?
WALLACE
We don't use the E-word in this house.
SCOTT
No, it wasn't her. It was somebody new...
OTHER SCOTT
Yay for that.
Other Scott goes back to sleep. Wallace rubs his eyes.
WALLACE
Speaking of new, weren't you
supposed to take your fake high
school girlfriend to the library a
half-hour ago?
SCOTT
What? It's like, six in the morning.
Scott opens the bathroom door. Sunlight ignites the room.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Arrrrgh!
INTEGRATED FINAL 13A.
18 INT. THE LIBRARY - DAY 18
KNIVES CHAU
What's wrong?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 14.
18 CONTINUED: 18
Scott is noticeably taller than all the teens in the library.
He carries a stack of books for Knives.
SCOTT
Libraries remind me of grade school.
KNIVES CHAU
That must seem like a reeeeally
long time ago.
SCOTT
Uh. Let's talk about something else.
The hiss of ball bearings catches Scott's attention. He
freezes as he sees THE ROLLERBLADING GIRL FROM HIS DREAM
skating towards the desk in SEXALICIOUS SLOW MOTION.
KNIVES CHAU
Do you know that girl?
The Rollerblading Girl delivers a package from AMAZON.CA to
the librarian. Scott's gaze follows the GIRL as she blades
out of the library. Pensive guitar underscores his thoughts.
KNIVES CHAU
Scott?
Scott continues to stare at the girl. Time slows to a crawl.
STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
SCOTT!
19 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 19
Scott stands in the rehearsal room, head still in the clouds.
STEPHEN STILLS
You only played one note for that
entire song.
SCOTT
It was...uh...my hand slipped.
KIM PINE
Is your girlfriend distracting you?
SCOTT
My girlfriend?
A meek Knives sits next to Young Neil on the couch.
KNIVES CHAU
I'll... I'll be quieter.
STEPHEN STILLS
Let's do that one again.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 15.
19 CONTINUED: 19
SCOTT
Sorry, what are we doing?
20 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT 20
STEPHEN STILLS
I told you like fifty times!
Scott, Kim Pine, Stephen Stills and Young Neil walk down an
icy Toronto street. Scott's head is still in the clouds.
KIM PINE
We're going to this party, retard.
SCOTT
Party?
YOUNG NEIL
At Julie's.
SCOTT
Ugh. I thought you guys split.
STEPHEN STILLS
We did. But, you know, there may be
some label guys there, so...
SCOTT
Aw, man. This is going to suck.
KIM PINE
At least it will give us something
to complain about.
SCOTT
Awww maaan...
21 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT 21
A bored Scott stands next to Young Neil in a very crowded
house party. Both have red plastic cups in hand.
SCOTT
...this sucks.
YOUNG NEIL
Sucks.
SCOTT
I'm going to go pee due to boredom.
Scott exits frame.
YOUNG NEIL
I have to pee.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 15A.
21 CONTINUED: 21
Neil sips his drink.
Scott passes by COMEAU, a bespectacled hipster geek:
'COMEAU, 25, FUN FACT: KNOWS EVERYONE (INCLUDING YOU)'
SCOTT
Hey Comeau.
COMEAU
Hey Scott. Some party huh? You
gettin' your drink on?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 16.
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
SCOTT
This is Coke Zero. I don't drink.
COMEAU
You don't drink? I remember you
getting ridiculously drunk off two
G&T's one time and-
SCOTT
(QUICKLY)
Comeau, you know everyone, right?
COMEAU
Pretty much.
SCOTT
Do you know this one girl with hair
like this?
Scott sketches an incomprehensible drawing of Ramona.
COMEAU
Yeah man. Ramona Flowers. Someone
said she was coming tonight actually.
SCOTT
WHAT?
COMEAU
You got the hots for her? I hear
she's hardcore...
Scott has already left a Scott-shaped dust cloud...
22 INT. JULIE'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 22
Scott scans the party. His eyes go WIDE. He CRUSHES his
plastic cup. There she is...playing the wall...RAMONA! Aloof.
Enigmatic. Hot. Scott sidles up and stands next to her.
SCOTT
Hey, what's up?
RAMONA
Nothing.
SCOTT
Hey, you know Pacman?
RAMONA
I know of him.
Scott begins to babble.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 17.
22 CONTINUED: 22
SCOTT
Well you know Pac-Man was
originally Puckman but not because
Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck
and paku-paku-paku means flapping
your mouth and they changed it
because if you scratch out the "P"
and turn it into an "F'? You know?
Like...
RAMONA
Yeah that's amazing.
SCOTT
Um...am I dreaming?
Ramona looks at Scott blankly. He slowly skulks away.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
I'll leave you alone forever now.
"THEN HE STALKED HER FOR THE REST OF THE PARTY..."
Series of quick shots as Scott follows Ramona. He ducks
around corners, spies from behind a much bigger dude. Ramona
leaves the party. Scott grabs a startled Young Neil.
SCOTT
DUDE!
YOUNG NEIL
WHA?
SCOTT
SHE'S TOTALLY REAL!
YOUNG NEIL
WHO!?
STEPHEN STILLS
RAMONA FLOWERS!
YOUNG NEIL
WHUH?
JUMP CUT. Scott RUNS towards Comeau.
SCOTT
DUDE. What do you know about Ramona
Flowers?!
COMEAU
All I know is she's American.
SCOTT
(EXOTICALLY)
American...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 17A.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
COMEAU
But you should talk to Sandra and
MONIQUE-
"SANDRA AND MONIQUE, 24, TWO GIRLS COMEAU KNOWS"
SCOTT
LADYDUDES! What do you know about
Ramona Flowers?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 18.
22 CONTINUED: (3) 22
MONIQUE
I think she has a boyfriend.
SANDRA
Some guy back in New York.
MONIQUE
Doesn't she have the most
ridiculous name?
SANDRA
I know. It's so 'Ramona Quimby,
Aged 8' and yet...Flowers.
The girls laugh. Scott does not.
SCOTT
Yeah. What else?
JUMP CUT through a FLURRY OF FACES as Scott asks everyone
ABOUT RAMONA:
PARTYGOER #1
I heard she kicks all kind of ass.
PARTYGOER #2
She's on another level.
PARTYGOER #3
She's got men dying at her feet.
PARTYGOER #4
She's got some battle scars.
PARTYGOER #5
Not to be entered into lightly
We end on the surly JULIE (the rude clerk) who steps in front
of Scott, arms crossed. Stephen Stills is with her.
JULIE
What about Ramona Flowers?
SCOTT
You know her? Tell me. Now.
JULIE
She just moved here. Got a job with
Amazon. Comes into my work.
SCOTT
Does she really?
STEPHEN STILLS
Didn't you say she just broke up
with someone, Jools?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 18A.
22 CONTINUED: (4) 22
SCOTT
Did she reeally?
STEPHEN STILLS
That they had a huge fight or whatever?
SCOTT
Did they reeeally?
JULIE
...yes. But I didn't want Scott to
know that, Stephen.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 19.
22 CONTINUED: (5) 22
SCOTT
Yeah, I don't know what it is about
that girl, she just-
JULIE
Scott, I forbid you from hitting on
Ramona. Even if you haven't had a
real girlfriend in over a year-
STEPHEN STILLS
Hey whoa, whoa. Scott's mourning
period is officially over. He's
totally dating a high schooler.
JULIE
Dating a high schooler is the
mourning period.
STEPHEN STILLS
She's got a point.
SCOTT
I thought you guys broke up.
JULIE
I don't want you scaring off the
coolest girl at my party Scott. We
all know you're a total lady killer
wannabe jerky jerk.
SCOTT
That's garbage! Completely untrue.
JULIE
That time with Lisa-
SCOTT
Misunderstanding.
JULIE
That time with Hollie-
SCOTT
Not what it looked like!
JULIE
That time you dumped Kim for-
SCOTT
Hey, me and Kim are all good now.
SCOTT looks to KIM. We hear the sound of arctic winds.
JULIE
Whatever, Ramona is out of your
league, let's leave it at that.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 20.
22 CONTINUED: (6) 22
JULIE (CONT'D)
And anyway, I'm not even sure she
really did have a big breakup. She
keeps mentioning some guy named
Gideon.
SCOTT
(NOT LISTENING)
Yeah, I don't know what it is about
that girl, she just-
JULIE
Forget it Scott!!!
23 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 23
Scott lies on the futon, WIDE awake. Wallace storms in.
WALLACE
Guess who's druuunk?
SCOTT
I guess Wallace.
WALLACE
You guess right.
Wallace flops onto the futon, landing next to Scott.
SCOTT
So, that girl. From my dream.
WALLACE
Girl. Okay...
SCOTT
I saw her at the library...
WALLACE
Library...can I pretend we're
talking about a guy?
SCOTT
So then I'm at this party, and hey!
There she is.
WALLACE
There he is.
SCOTT
I think she's...
WALLACE
You think he's...
SCOTT
I think she's the girl of my dreams.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 21.
23 CONTINUED: 23
WALLACE
Mmm. Then you should break up with
your fake high school girlfriend.
SCOTT
I've never been so sure about
something.
WALLACE
Then you should break up with your
fake high school girlfriend.
SCOTT
What's that?
WALLACE
Break...up...fake...high
school...girlfriend...
SCOTT
I'm not getting it, friend.
Wallace drifts off. RINGY RING! Scott answers. INTERCUT with
STACEY sitting on a bus on her cellphone.
STACEY
You're thinking of juggling two chicks!?
SCOTT
Not even!
STACEY
Well, you should break up with your
fake high school girlfriend.
SCOTT
Wait. Who told you?
STACEY
Duh. Wallace.
SCOTT
He's not even conscious!
STACEY
Whatever. You of all people should know
how sucky it is to get cheated on.
SCOTT
Don't you have a job to do?
STACEY
You're right. I should send out a
mass text about this. Bye.
Scott looks to Wallace, who is out cold, cellphone in hand.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 22.
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23
SCOTT
Wallace, how do you do that?
HARD CUT to MORNING LIGHT filling the room!
SCOTT (O.S.)
WALLACE!
Wallace sits bolt upright. Scott sits at Wallace's computer.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Amazon.ca. What's the website for that?
WALLACE
...Amazon.ca.
SCOTT
Awesome! I have to order something
reeeally cool.
COMPUTER
"You've got mail!"
SCOTT
Dude! This thing claims I have mail!
WALLACE
It's amazing what they can do with
computers these days.
SCOTT
Dude! Now I'm reading it!
WALLACE
I'm so happy for you.
SCOTT
"Dear Mr. Pilgrim, It has come to
my attention that we will be
fighting soon. My name is Matthew
Patel, and I'm" blah blah 'fair
warning' blah blah...hmm. This
is...this is...THIS IS...!!!
WALLACE
WHAT?!
SCOTT
This is boring. Delete!
'CLICK.' Scott walks to the front door. Moments pass.
WALLACE
Scott. Are you waiting for the
package you just ordered?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 22A.
23 CONTINUED: (3) 23
SCOTT
Maybe.
WALLACE
It's the weekend. It won't ship
until Monday at the earliest.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 23.
23 CONTINUED: (4) 23
DINGY DONG. Scott JUMPS to his feet.
SCOTT
You were saying?
Scott opens the door. It's KNIVES CHAU!
SCOTT
Heyyy...
KNIVES CHAU
Attack hug!
Knives smothers Scott.
SCOTT
Attack hug. That's cute.
He plasters on his best fake smile.
KNIVES CHAU
Remember you were supposed to meet
me at the bus stop a half-hour ago?
SCOTT
How could I possibly forget?
24 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 24
Scott and Knives flip through the record bins, out of sync.
KNIVES CHAU
Yearbook club is getting SO boring.
I cannot believe the music they put
on while we work.
SCOTT
That's sucky.
25 INT. THE GOODWILL - DAY 25
Knives buys a hip and trendy jacket. Scott sits on a couch
next to the DO NOT SIT sign, still distracted.
KNIVES CHAU
Hannah broke up with Alan and now
she's all into Derek...
SCOTT
Uh huh.
26 EXT. PIZZA PIZZA - DAY 26
Scott and Knives walk out of a pizza joint. Knives chows down
on a slice. Scott doesn't eat, his thoughts elsewhere.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 23A.
26 CONTINUED: 26
KNIVES CHAU
...but Tamara claims she has dibs
on Derek.
SCOTT
I tell ya'.
INTEGRATED FINAL 24.
27 INT. THE ARCADE - DAY 27
Scott and Knives play NINJA NINJA REVOLUTION, side by side.
Scott plays halfheartedly, his timing off.
KNIVES CHAU
Combo!
Knives goes to flip over Scott, but he messes up. THE MIRROR
IMAGE of Scott's videogame avatar appears on screen.
KNIVES CHAU
Uh oh, NegaNinja.
NEGANINJA - squares up against Scott's avatar.
SCOTT
I can never get past that guy.
Scott has his little videogame head cut off. The 'CONTINUE?'
countdown comes up...10...9...8...
KNIVES CHAU
Do you want to keep going?
Scott takes a long look at Knives.
SCOTT
Um, I think...I think...
Scott takes a deep breath. This is never easy. 3...2...1...
28 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - EVENING 28
STEPHEN STILLS
Game on, everybody. Game. On.
An excited Stills addresses Sex Bob-Omb. Scott tunes his
bass, alone by the window, staring out.
STEPHEN STILLS
I got us a show.
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
OH MY GOSH WHEN?!
Knives BURSTS into frame. Scott winces.
STEPHEN STILLS
Wednesday, The Rockit. And even
better? It's the T.I.B.B.
KNIVES CHAU
The Toronto International Battle of
The Bands?!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 25.
28 CONTINUED: 28
STEPHEN STILLS
S'right. This guy at work was like
"Steve, do you know anyone in a
band?" and I was like 'I'm in a
band' and he was like 'You're in a
band?' and I was like 'Yeah I'm
totally in a band'-
KIM PINE
Great story, man.
KNIVES CHAU
Is there a prize or something?!
STEPHEN STILLS
Only a record deal with G-man Graves!
SCOTT
What? Who?
KNIVES CHAU
You don't know?
STEPHEN STILLS
Indie Producer of the millennium?!
SCOTT
Oh.
YOUNG NEIL
Whoa.
Stills gestures to Knives' home-made Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt.
STEPHEN STILLS
If we win...it won't just be Knives
wearing a Sex Bob-Omb shirt. It'll
be the cool kids too.
Knives can barely contain herself. She grabs Scott.
KNIVES CHAU
I will do everything I can to get
out of study group and come.
SCOTT
Sure. Great.
We follow Scott as he walks in a daze to the bathroom.
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, who are you battling?
STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Crash and the Boys.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 25A.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
YOUNG NEIL (O.S.)
That one band with Crash? And
those Boys?
KIM PINE
Yeah that's the one.
YOUNG NEIL
I hate them!
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Oh my gosh, I hate them too!
STEPHEN STILLS (O.S.)
Yeah, they suck.
INTEGRATED FINAL 26.
29 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE, BATHROOM - EVENING 29
Scott pees in a state of dreamy reverie. The PEE BAR above
his head slowly reduces. He stares at himself in the mirror.
Scott exits the bathroom, entering...
30 INT. DREAM HIGH SCHOOL - ? 30
...a long, empty HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY. Scott's footsteps echo
as he moves towards a classroom door with a STAR on it...
RAMONA FLOWERS bursts through the door, skating past Scott
and down the hall, PACKAGE from AMAZON clutched in her hand.
Scott runs after her, around a corner, down a row of LOCKERS
leading to...the outside of WALLACE'S APARTMENT???
31 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 31
Scott LEAPS out of the futon and RUNS towards the front door,
THROWING IT OPEN and startling Ramona Flowers just as she
presses the doorbell. DINGY DONG...
SCOTT
Hi, um, I was thinking about asking
you out, but then I realized how
stupid that would be.
(BEAT)
Do you want to go out sometime?
RAMONA
Um, no, that's okay. You just have
to sign for this alright?
SCOTT
I just woke up, and you were in my
dream. I dreamt you were delivering
me this package. Is that weird?
RAMONA
It's not weird at all.
SCOTT
It's not?
RAMONA
No, it's just like, you've got this
really convenient subspace highway
running through your head that I
like to use. It's like three miles
in fifteen seconds.
SCOTT
Right...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 27.
31 CONTINUED: 31
RAMONA
Oh yeah. I forgot you guys don't
have that in Canada.
SCOTT
You don't remember me do you? I met
you at the party the other day.
RAMONA
Were you the Pac-Man guy?
SCOTT
No. Not even. That was some total
ass. I was the other guy. You're
Ramona Flowers right?
RAMONA
That's me.
SCOTT
So, you're like American?
RAMONA
Why, am I coming off as rude?
SCOTT
Not at all. Noooooo...
Scott stands in awe of Ramona. She gives him a pen.
RAMONA
You know...you need to sign for
this. Whatever this is?
SCOTT
It's something really cool. You'd
be impressed.
RAMONA
You still have to sign.
SCOTT
But if I sign for it, you'll leave.
RAMONA
Yeah. That's how it works.
SCOTT
Okay well, can we just maybe just
hang out sometime? Get to know each
other? You're the new kid on the
block, right? I've lived here
forever. I mean...there are reasons
for you to hang out with me?
RAMONA
You're all over the place.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 28.
31 CONTINUED: (2) 31
SCOTT
You are like...my dream girl.
RAMONA
I need to find a new route.
SCOTT
Either that or you need to start
hanging out with me.
RAMONA
You want me to hang out with you?
SCOTT
Um...you know...if that's cool.
RAMONA
If I say yes, will you sign for
your damn package?
Scott finally signs on the dotted line. And throws the
package straight in the trash.
SCOTT
Done. So, yeah. Eight o'clock?
32 OMITTED [INTEGRATED INTO SC 34] 32
33 OMITTED 33
34 EXT. PARK - NIGHT 34
Scott finds Ramona waiting at the top of some stairs in the
park. The Toronto skyline gleams in the night behind them.
SCOTT
Why are you just standing there?
RAMONA
Dude, I'm totally waiting on you.
SCOTT
Sorry, I just assumed you were too
cool to be on time.
RAMONA
Well. You assumed wrong.
SCOTT
So what do you want to do? We could
get a slice at Pizza Pizza or flip
through some records at Sonic Boom.
Oh, or there's this awesome game
called Ninja Ninja Revolution at-
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 29.
34 CONTINUED: 34
RAMONA
I'm not into simulated violence.
SCOTT
I'm cool with whatever you want to do.
RAMONA
This is good.
Scott and Ramona trudge through the snow in the empty park.
SCOTT
This is good. So how'd you end up in
Toronto?
RAMONA
Just needed to escape I guess.
SCOTT
Oh yeah?
RAMONA
I got this job here. And Gideon had
always said Toronto was one of the
great cities so...
SCOTT
Is Gideon...is he your boyfriend?
RAMONA
He's...a friend.
SCOTT
Was he your boyfriend?
RAMONA
Do you mind if we don't get into
that right now?
SCOTT
It's so not interesting to me.
They sit on some swings in the park.
RAMONA
So what about you? What do you do?
SCOTT
I'm between jobs.
RAMONA
Between what and what?
SCOTT
My last job is a long story filled
with sighs.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 30.
34 CONTINUED: (2) 34
RAMONA
I know plenty of those.
SCOTT
Is that why you left New York?
RAMONA
Pretty much. It was time to head
somewhere a little more chilled.
SCOTT
Well, it's certainly chilled here.
RAMONA
Yeah.
Uh. Chilled as in cold.
RAMONA
Yeah.
SCOTT
I'm totally obsessed with you.
RAMONA
I didn't mean to get you obsessed.
SCOTT
I just haven't been obsessed with a
girl for a long time. It's weird.
RAMONA
That's probably because you sleep
with a guy.
SCOTT
Um...
RAMONA
I was guessing from your apartment,
but you totally do!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 31.
34 CONTINUED: (3) 34
SCOTT
It's... we're just poor! We can't
afford two beds! We're not gay!
Actually... no... Wallace is pretty
gay.
RAMONA
Dude, relax. I believe you. You're
too desperate to be gay.
SCOTT
I feel so stupid.
RAMONA
Aw... you're probably not that
stupid.
Laughing, Ramona hops off her swing.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
I'm... mostly stupid.
RAMONA
Well, you're definitely stupid if
you want to go out with me.
SCOTT
Exactly, yeah.
The snowfall gets heavier.
RAMONA
This is ridiculous. Isn't it like April?
SCOTT
Yeah. I can barely see you. This whole
thing is an unmitigated disaster.
RAMONA
I think 'act of God' is a pretty
decent excuse for a lousy date.
SCOTT
So this is a 'date', eh?
RAMONA
Did I say 'date'? Slip of the tongue.
SCOTT
Tongue...
The snow gets heavier still. Ramona walks away.
RAMONA
Anyway, night's not over yet. I think
there's a thingy up here somewhere.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 31A.
34 CONTINUED: (4) 34
SCOTT
A thingy?
RAMONA
A door.
SCOTT
A door? I... I... I can't see you.
I'm blind. Help me.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 32.
34 CONTINUED: (5) 34
A door with a STAR on it appears out of the whiteness. Ramona
opens the door. Scott and Ramona fall into blackness...
35 INT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 35
Scott shivers at the kitchen table of Ramona's cozy, girl
friendly apartment. He watches as she slips out of her coat.
RAMONA
What kind of tea do you want?
SCOTT
There's more than one kind?
RAMONA
We have blueberry, raspberry,
ginseng, sleepytime, green tea, green
tea with lemon, green tea with lemon
and honey, liver disaster, ginger
with honey, ginger without honey,
vanilla almond, white truffle,
blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut,
constant comment and earl grey.
SCOTT
Did you make some of those up?
RAMONA
I think I'll have sleepytime.
SCOTT
That sounds good to me.
RAMONA
Let me get you a blanket.
SCOTT
That would actually be awesome.
Ramona exits. After a moment alone, Scott ventures upstairs.
He wanders towards a half open door. Pushing it open, he
finds Ramona in her bedroom in her bra and skirt.
RAMONA
Dude! I'm changing.
Scott covers his eyes and our screen goes BLACK.
SCOTT (O.S.)
AAAH! Sorry, I'm just...cold!
RAMONA (O.S.)
Here, does this help?
SCOTT (O.S.)
That's...very warm. What is that?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 33.
35 CONTINUED: 35
Scott opens his eyes to see Ramona hugging him.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Ohh...kay.
They look into each others eyes...camera circles Scott and
Ramona as they begin an awesome make out session. Scott
imagines himself soundtracking the kiss with a slinky bassline.
Ramona breaks off, smiling. Scott is in heaven.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Were you..were you just going to
bring the blanket from your bed?
RAMONA
I guess...
SCOTT
Maybe...maybe we should both get
under it...since we're so cold.
RAMONA
Well...what about our tea?
SCOTT
I can...not have tea.
The slinky bassline continues as Ramona takes her skirt off,
revealing black panties to complement black bra. Scott takes
his shirt off. They tumble onto the bed and make out. Then-
RAMONA
I changed my mind.
SCOTT
Changed it to what? From what?
RAMONA
I don't want to have sex with you,
Pilgrim. Not right now.
SCOTT
Ohh...kay.
RAMONA
It's not like I'm gonna send you
home in a snowstorm or anything.
You can sleep in my bed. And I
reserve the right to change my mind
about the sex later.
Ramona curls up next to Scott.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 34.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
SCOTT
This is cool, just this. It's been
like a really long time, and this
is...I think I needed this.
Whatever this is. So, thanks.
RAMONA
You're welcome.
They exchange a smile. Then without warning we jump cut to -
36 INT. RAMONA'S ROOM - MORNING 36
DAYLIGHT! Scott awakens. Ramona is gone. An arrow points to
the empty spot in the bed next to him.
'NO RAMONA'
Another arrow point out that-
'SHE'S IN THE SHOWER'
Ramona steps out of the bathroom in a towel. Scott relaxes.
RAMONA
I have to work.
SCOTT
Work?
RAMONA
You have to leave.
37 EXT. RAMONA'S APARTMENT - MORNING 37
Ramona skates towards the front gate, Scott walking next to
her. WAIST DEEP SNOW covers the roads and sidewalks.
SCOTT
Hey, can this not be a one night
stand? For one thing, I didn't even
get any...that was a joke.
RAMONA
What did you have in mind?
SCOTT
Umm...oh, come to the first round
of this battle of the bands thing.
RAMONA
(TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED)
You have a band?
SCOTT
Yeah, we're terrible. Please come.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 34A.
37 CONTINUED: 37
RAMONA
Sure.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 35.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
Ramona shrugs and ROLLERBLADES through the snow...(somehow)
SCOTT
Wait! Can I get your number?
SSSSHHHOOP! Ramona skids to a stop, right back next to Scott.
She hands him a note. 'RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx'
SCOTT
Wow, girl number.
Scott looks back up. Ramona is already skating far, far away.
RAMONA
See you at the show, Scott Pilgrim.
SCOTT
Oh, hey! It's tonight...At The-
38 INT. THE ROCKIT - NIGHT 38
'THE ROCKIT, FUN FACT: THIS PLACE IS A TOILET'.
Ramona wades through a grungy venue under the stare of young
hipsters, reaching Scott at the bar. He stands with Wallace
and Stacey. She holds hands with a guy wearing glasses.
SCOTT
You totally came!
RAMONA
Yes. I did totally come.
Scott is so amazed at her presence, his social skills vanish.
STACEY
Excuse my brother. He's chronically
enfeebled. I'm Stacey.
RAMONA
Hey.
STACEY
And this is Wallace, his room-mate.
WALLACE
Hey.
STACEY
And this is my boyfriend Jimmy.
WALLACE
(staring at Jimmy)
Heyyy.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 36.
38 CONTINUED: 38
STACEY
And this is Knives, Scott's-
Scott goes white. He didn't even see Knives come in.
SCOTT
HEYYYYYYYY!
KNIVES CHAU
Hey.
Knives pecks Scott on the cheek. He pushes her away. Knives
looks kinda sexy, wearing makeup and new clothes.
KNIVES CHAU
Do you like?
SCOTT
I...uh...
LEONE STAREDOWNS all around. Stacey stares at Scott. Knives
and Ramona stare at each other. Wallace stares at Jimmy.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Have. To. Go.
Scott scurries off. We hear feedback from a mic onstage.
PROMOTER (O.S)
This next band are from Brampton
and they are Crash And The Boys.
39 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 39
Scott runs backstage to see Stills obsessively flipping
through a chart with hand drawn stats of their rival band.
STEPHEN STILLS
This is a nightmare. Is this a
nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up.
KIM
Once we're on stage you'll be fine.
STILLS
We were just on stage. For sound
check. The sound guy hated us.
SCOTT
It's just nerves! Pre-show jitters.
People love us. Right?
Scott sounds less than convincing. He looks up at Ramona and
Knives sitting with Wallace, Jimmy and Stacey in the BALCONY.
INTEGRATED FINAL 37.
40 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 40
Crash and The Boys tune up. A drunk Wallace turns to Jimmy.
WALLACE
Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
JIMMY
They...haven't started playing yet.
WALLACE
That was a test, Jimmy. You passed.
CRASH
Good evening. I am Crash, and these
are the Boys.
WALLACE
IS THAT GIRL A BOY, TOO?
CRASH
Yes.
TRASHA, 8 year old girl drummer, gives Wallace the finger.
A41 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS A41
Sex Bob-omb peer at the band from offstage. Kim glowers.
KIM PINE
They have a girl drummer?
B41 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS B41
CRASH
This is called "I am so sad. I am
so very very sad." And it goes a
little something like this.
Crash and the Boys play a whole song in .04 seconds.
CRASH
Thank you.
Wallace yells from the balcony.
WALLACE
IT'S NOT A RACE, GUYS!
CRASH
This song is for the guy who keeps
yelling from the balcony, and it's
called "We Hate You, Please Die."
WALLACE
Sweet! I love this one!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 37A.
B41 CONTINUED: B41
Crash continues his rampage of musical hate.
INTEGRATED FINAL 38.
41 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 41
STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good. Are these guys
good?
Kim Pine scowls harder than ever.
STEPHEN STILLS
These guys are good.
42 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 42
CRASH
This is called "Last Song Kills
Audience". It'll be our last song
tonight and your last song EVER...
Sound explodes from the stage. The audience are stunned.
43 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 43
Stills paces backstage as the others watch the band.
STEPHEN STILLS
How are we supposed to follow this?
We're not going to win, we're not
gonna sign with G-Man and we'll
never play opening night at the
Chaos Theatre.
(FREAKING OUT)
GODDAMN IT SCOTT, WILL YOU STOP
JUST STANDING THERE, YOU'RE
FREAKING ME OUT!
44 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 44
As Crash And The Boys climax, Stacey turns to Ramona.
STACEY
So, how do you know Scott?
RAMONA
He's...um. He's a friend.
STACEY
Hard for me to keep track
sometimes. He has so many friends.
Ramona arches an eyebrow. Stacey turns to Knives and Tamara.
STACEY
So Knives, how did you meet Scott?
INTEGRATED FINAL 39.
45 INT. THE ROCKIT, BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS 45
Scott looks up into the balcony, sees Stacey talking to
Knives. He turns around and slaps Stephen Stills in the face.
SCOTT
We gotta play now and loud!
46 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 46
Stacey and Ramona listen intently to Knives' story.
KNIVES CHAU
Well, I was on the bus with my Mom-
Knives freezes, staring at the stage.
RAMONA
Is that seriously the end of the story?
KNIVES CHAU
OH MY GOSH, they're on!
47 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 47
ONSTAGE: A DISHEVELED PROMOTER walks to the mic.
PROMOTER
This next band is from Toronto
and...yeah. So give it up for
Sex...Bob-Omb?
SEX BOB-OMB walk on. Wallace and Knives give the only cheers.
STEPHEN STILLS
Scott...you ready?
Scott nods vigorously.
STEPHEN STILLS
Kim...you rea-
KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB. ONE, TWO...
ANGLE on Knives. She faints in the excitement.
KIM PINE (CONT'D)
THREE, FOUR!
Sex Bob-omb rock out, barely into the first verse when a
chunk of ceiling CRASHES down and a SPINDLY INDIAN HIPSTER
KID DIVES HEAD FIRST through the hole, finger pointed at
Scott as he sails towards the stage!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 40.
47 CONTINUED: 47
MATTHEW PATEL lands onstage and glares at Scott through a
lopsided fringe. He wears an evil grin and a jacket that
borders on flamboyant. He drags on a cigarette (blacked out).
MATTHEW PATEL
Mr. Pilgrim. It is I, Matthew
Patel. Consider our fight...begun!
SCOTT
What did I do?
Matthew Patel leaps in the air and sails toward Scott.
SCOTT
What do I do?!
WALLACE
FIGHT!
Scott throws his bass to Young Neil and BLOCKS Patel with his
left arm, then PUNCHES him across the floor with his right.
Patel LANDS like a cat, FLIPS his fringe and GLARES at Scott.
MATTHEW PATEL
Alright. Alright.
WALLACE
Watch out! It's that one guy!
SCOTT
Thank you, Wallace!
Patel RUNS at Scott. Scott SPIN KICKS Patel in the chin and
sends him flying into the air. They land in THE PIT, knocking
hipsters down and squaring off in the resulting circle.
MATTHEW PATEL
You're quite the opponent, Pilgrim.
SCOTT
Who the hell are you anyway?
The LIGHTING GUY spotlights the fighters.
MATTHEW PATEL
My name is Matthew Patel and I'm
Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend!
SCOTT
You're what?
MATTHEW PATEL
Ramona's first evil ex-boyfriend!
All eyes WHIP up to Ramona...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 40A.
47 CONTINUED: (2) 47
RAMONA
Anyone need another drink?
Patel attacks Scott with spin kicks. Scott blocks. Patel
punches. Scott blocks, then holds his hand up for a time-out.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 41.
47 CONTINUED: (3) 47
SCOTT
We're fighting because of Ramona?
MATTHEW PATEL
Didn't you get my e-mail explaining
the situation?
SCOTT
I skimmed it.
MATTHEW PATEL
You will pay for your insolence!
Patel attacks, landing kicks and punches. Scott evades and
counter-attacks. Patel evades, then lands more punches. Scott
jump-spins away from danger. They pause, breathing heavy.
WALLACE
What's up with his outfit?
OTHER HECKLER
Yeah! Is he a pirate?
Scott looks at Patel's outfit.
SCOTT
Are you a pirate?
MATTHEW PATEL
Pirates are in this year!
Patel attacks again. They exchange furious blows, until Patel
puts Scott in a choke hold. Scott looks up to Ramona.
SCOTT
You really went out with this guy?
RAMONA
Yeah, in the seventh grade.
The Lighting Guy SWINGS the spotlight to Ramona in the
balcony. We see a sketchy childlike ANIMATED FLASHBACK.
RAMONA (CONT'D)
It was football season and for some
reason, all the little jocks wanted
me. Matthew was the only non-white,
non-jock boy in school, probably in
the entire state, so we joined
forces and took 'em all out. We
were one hell of a team. Nothing
could beat Matthew's mystical
powers. Nothing but pre-teen
capriciousness. We only kissed
once. After a week and a half, I
told him to hit the showers.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 41A.
47 CONTINUED: (4) 47
The spotlight swings back onto Scott and Patel.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 42.
47 CONTINUED: (5) 47
SCOTT
Dude, wait...mystical powers?
Patel levitates into the air and points at Ramona.
MATTHEW PATEL
You'll pay for this, Flowers!
Patel SNAPS his fingers and launches into a BOLLYWOOD SONG!
MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
If you want to fight me, you're not
the brightest. You won't know
what's hit you in the slightest.
Patel levitates into the air. Four hot girls in skirts with
fangs and bat-wings appear in the air around him.
MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Me and my fireballs and my Demon
Hipster Chicks, I'm talking the
talk because I know I'm slick.
Patel and the Demon Hipster Chicks shoot FIREBALLS at Scott.
He flips back onto the stage, narrowly dodging the attack.
MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Fireball Girls! Take this sucker
down.
The Demon Hipster Chicks unleash more fireballs. Scott
dodges. The house drum kit is trashed behind him.
MATTHEW PATEL (CONT'D)
Let us show him what we're all
about.
Scott hits the ground, dodging a third wave of fireballs.
They explode Crash and the Boys in the wings.
SCOTT
That doesn't even rhyme.
Scott rolls across the stage, GRABS one of Kim's CYMBALS and
throws it Captain America style. It hits Patel square in the
eyes. POOF, the Demon Hipster Chicks vanish.
MATTHEW PATEL
This is impossible, how can it be?!
Scott leaps into the air. Patel opens his eyes just in time
to see Scott Pilgrim's FIST racing towards his face.
SCOTT
Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 42A.
47 CONTINUED: (6) 47
K.O! Scott punches Patel. He explodes into COINS. They
clatter to the stage floor. Scott lands and picks them up.
SCOTT
Sweet. Coins.
48 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 48
Ramona makes her way out fast. Passes Stacey.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 43.
48 CONTINUED: 48
RAMONA
Well, it was great meeting you.
Tell your gay friends I said bye.
STACEY
Gay friends?
Stacey turns to see Wallace and Jimmy making out.
STACEY
WALLACE?! Not again!
Ramona passes Knives, who is being resuscitated by Tamara.
49 INT. THE ROCKIT, STAGE - CONTINUOUS 49
Scott picks up the coins onstage and counts them.
SCOTT
Aw man. $2.40? That's not even
enough for the bus home.
RAMONA
I'll lend you the 30 cents.
Ramona yanks Scott away. The Promotor ambles back onstage.
PROMOTER
Yeah...so like, Sex Bob-Omb wins.
50 INT. THE ROCKIT, BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 50
Knives is now wide awake, clapping wildly from the balcony.
Her eyes scan the venue for Scott...but he is long gone.
51 INT. THE BUS - NIGHT 51
SCOTT
Sooooooo...
A bemused Scott and mortified Ramona sit on the bus home.
SCOTT
What was all that all about?
RAMONA
Uh, I guess...
Ramona takes a breath. Looks deep into Scott's eyes.
RAMONA (CONT'D)
If we're going to date, you may
have to defeat my seven evil ex's.
SCOTT
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 44.
51 CONTINUED: 51
RAMONA
Seven ex's, yes.
SCOTT
So I have to fight-
RAMONA
Defeat.
SCOTT
-defeat your seven evil ex's if
we're going to continue to date.
RAMONA
Pretty much.
SCOTT
So, what you're saying is...
(BEAT)
We are dating?
RAMONA
Uh, I guess.
SCOTT
Cool. Do you want to make out?
RAMONA
Uh...
Scott kisses Ramona. The studio audience 'awwww's.
52 OMITTED 52
53 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING 53
A bleary Wallace fries bacon. Scott bursts through the front
door, a spring in his step. The studio audience applauds.
WALLACE
Someone's happy.
SCOTT
Well, someone got to second base
last night. And someone has a
second date tonight.
WALLACE
Someone's lucky then.
SCOTT
You know when I say 'someone', I mean
me, right? I got to second base last
night...maybe first and a half.
Wallace shoots a look at the idiotically upbeat Scott.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 45.
53 CONTINUED: 53
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Oh, hey, I'm inviting Ramona over for
dinner, so you can't be here tonight.
I don't want you gaying up the place.
WALLACE
Okay, Scott. But in return I have
to issue an ultimatum.
SCOTT
One of your famous ultimatums?
WALLACE
It may live in infamy...You have to
break up with Knives. Today. Okay?
Scott huffs and helps himself to some of Wallace's bacon.
SCOTT
But...but...it's HARD.
WALLACE
If you don't do it, I'm going to
tell Ramona about Knives. I swear
to God, Scott.
SCOTT
But you...you're...
At this point a sleepy JIMMY wanders out of the bathroom and
helps himself to coffee.
JIMMY
Morning.
Scott points bacon at Wallace accusingly.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
DOUBLE STANDARD!
WALLACE
I didn't make up the gay rulebook.
If you have a problem with it, take
it up with Liberace's Ghost.
SCOTT
You're a monster.
WALLACE
Now put the bacon down and go do
your dirt while I watch the Lucas
Lee marathon on TBS Superstation.
SCOTT
Who's Lucas Lee?
Wallace points to a hunky actor on the cover of NOW magazine.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 45A.
53 CONTINUED: (2) 53
WALLACE
He was this pretty good skater and
now he's this pretty good actor.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 46.
53 CONTINUED: (3) 53
WALLACE (CONT'D)
He's filming a Winifred Hailey
movie in Toronto right now.
SCOTT
They make movies in Toronto?
WALLACE
Yes. I am stalking him later.
SCOTT
So, this Lucas Lee-
WALLACE
Lucas Lee is not important to you
right now! Get out.
SCOTT
You suck. Surprising no one.
Scott grumbles off. Wallace turns the television way up. We
see Lucas Lee on a payphone in some crummy thriller.
LUCAS LEE (ON TV)
Listen close and listen hard,
bucko. The next click is me hanging
up. The one after that...is me
pulling the trigger.
54 EXT. PAYPHONE ON BUSY STREET - DAY 54
A shivering and annoyed Scott dials the payphone.
SCOTT
Oh, hey, Knives. Um, do you want
to, like, talk or whatever?
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
Are you wearing a tan jacket? Like
a spring jacket? And a hoodie?
SCOTT
Ummm...
Scott checks what he's wearing. SPOOKY MUSIC underscores.
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
And a dorky hat?!
SCOTT
It's not dorky! Why are you psychic?
A beaming Knives knocks on the payphone glass.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Oh. Uh...okay. Hi.
INTEGRATED FINAL 47.
55 INT. SONIC BOOM - DAY 55
The SPOOKY MUSIC continues on in the record store.
Scott is on edge as Knives geeks over a standee for THE CLASH
AT DEMONHEAD: it features sultry blonde singer ENVY ADAMS
posing and the rest of the band shrouded in shadow and mist.
KNIVES CHAU
I can't believe they're coming to
town. Will you take me to the show?
SCOTT
Yeah, listen-
The SPOOKY MUSIC gets louder, pounding inside Scott's head.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh, hey, I wanted to invite you
over for dinner.
SCOTT
Like, Chinese food?
KNIVES CHAU
Yeah.
SCOTT
Hmm. It's not my favorite.
KNIVES CHAU
Yeah. Well, to meet my parents.
It's my birthday dinner.
SCOTT
Uh...I think that's a really bad
idea. Like, really, just so bad.
KNIVES CHAU
No, it's okay. Why?
SCOTT
Well I mean, I'm too old for you!
KNIVES CHAU
No you're not! My Dad is nine years
older than my Mom...
SCOTT
And...and...are you even allowed to
date outside your race or whatever?
KNIVES CHAU
I don't care. I'm in...LOVE!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 47A.
55 CONTINUED: 55
Knives is so smitten, the word actually appears onscreen.
Scott brushes it away. The SPOOKY MUSIC comes to a stop.
SCOTT
Um, listen...I was thinking we
should break up or whatever.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 48.
55 CONTINUED: (2) 55
KNIVES CHAU
Really?
SCOTT
Yeah...um...it's not going to work out.
KNIVES CHAU
Oh...
Scott walks out, leaving Knives in the aisle.
56 INT. THE BUS / RECORD STORE - DAY 56
Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Knives.
CROSSCUT with Knives still in the record store, in shock.
ON THE BUS: Scott sighs, thinks of something happier...
CROSSCUT with Ramona: rollerblading, her funky pink hair.
ON THE BUS: Scott smiles, a little happier.
57 INT/EXT. STEPHEN STILLS' BASEMENT - EVENING 57
Sex Bob-Omb tune up. Kim spins a drumstick in her fingers.
KIM PINE
Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?
SCOTT
Oh. No. We broke up.
Young Neil PAUSES his DS. Kim and Stills share a look.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
OH! Check it out, I learned the
bass line from Final Fantasy 2.
Scott plays the insanely simple video game tune.
KIM PINE
Scott, you are the salt of the earth.
SCOTT
Aw, thanks.
KIM PINE
Wait. I meant scum of the earth.
SCOTT
Aw, thanks.
YOUNG NEIL
You...you broke up with Knives?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 49.
57 CONTINUED: 57
SCOTT
Yeah, but don't worry, maybe you'll
meet my new new girlfriend soon.
YOUNG NEIL
Newnew.
Kim mimes shooting herself. Stills unplugs Scott's amp.
STEPHEN STILLS
Okay! From here on out, no
GIRLFRIENDS or GIRLFRIEND talk at
practice, whether they're old, new
or new-new. We were lucky to
survive that last round. This is
sudden death now. Okay?
SCOTT
Okay!
DINGY DONG...
SCOTT (CONT'D)
That's for me.
Scott opens the door to see Ramona, now sporting BLUE HAIR.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Hey...you're here?
RAMONA
Yes. Like you said. Is it not cool?
Scott ushers her in, weirded out by this hair development.
SCOTT
You know your hair?
RAMONA
I know of it.
SCOTT
It's all blue.
RAMONA
Yeah. I just dyed it. Are you going
to introduce me?
SCOTT
Oh yeah, this is Stephen Stills,
Young Neil, that's... Kim.
RAMONA
Hey everyone.
Everyone mumbles back. Scott still stares at Ramona's hair.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 49A.
57 CONTINUED: (2) 57
SCOTT
Is it weird not being pink anymore?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 50.
57 CONTINUED: (3) 57
RAMONA
I change my hair every week and a
half, dude. Get used to it.
(to Sex Bob-Omb)
So...uh...how do you guys all know
each other?
YOUNG NEIL
High school, I guess?
STEPHEN STILLS
What Neil said.
YOUNG NEIL
I'm Neil.
KIM PINE
Believe it or not, I actually dated
Scott in high school.
RAMONA
Got any embarassing stories?
KIM PINE
Yeah. He's an idiot.
Scott fake laughs. Starts ushering Ramona out again.
SCOTT
Okay. Cool. See you guys tomorrow.
STEPHEN STILLS
Uh, what about rehearsal?
SCOTT
Neil knows my parts.
YOUNG NEIL
(TO STILLS)
I'm Neil.
58 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 58
Ramona lounges, reading a magazine. A tense Scott hurries
around the kitchen area, preparing food as Wallace looks on.
WALLACE
Are you doing okay there?
SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good.
Ramona goes to the bathroom. Scott drops the act.
SCOTT
She changed her hair.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 50A.
58 CONTINUED: 58
WALLACE
So? It looks nice blue.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 51.
58 CONTINUED: (2) 58
SCOTT
I know, but she changed it without
even making a big deal about it.
She's spontaneous. Impulsive.
Fickle. Oh my god, what do I do?
WALLACE
I can't believe you were worried
about me gaying up the place.
Ramona returns. Wallace pulls on a jacket.
RAMONA
How's dinner coming along?
SCOTT
Yeah, good. Good.
WALLACE
I'll leave you lovebirds to it. I'm
heading up to Casa Loma to stalk my
hetero crush.
Scott stops Wallace at the door, with a panicked whisper.
SCOTT
Don't go.
WALLACE
Will you man the hell up? You could
get to 2nd and a half base.
SCOTT
You think so?
WALLACE
Well, if you strike out in the next
hour, come find me at the Castle.
SCOTT
'If I strike out'?
WALLACE
Okay, 'when'. See you in sixty.
'15 MINUTES LATER'
Ramona and Scott eat on the floor, picnic style. Scott has
cooked garlic bread (and only garlic bread) for dinner.
RAMONA
This is actually really good garlic bread.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 52.
58 CONTINUED: (3) 58
SCOTT
Garlic bread is my favorite food. I
could honestly eat it for every
meal. Or just all the time without
even stopping.
RAMONA
You'd get fat.
SCOTT
No. Why would I get fat?
RAMONA
Bread makes you fat.
SCOTT
Bread makes you FAT??
'15 MINUTES LATER'
A nervy Scott serenades Ramona on his bass guitar.
SCOTT
So I wrote a song about you.
RAMONA
Oh yeah?
SCOTT
Yeah, it goes like this: Ra-mona,
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ra-mona,
Ra-mona, Ra-ra-ra, Mona, Ooooh.
RAMONA
I can't wait to hear it when it's
finished.
SCOTT
Finished?
'15 MINUTES LATER'
Scott makes out with Ramona on the futon. Scott smiles as she
runs her hands through his hair.
RAMONA
Your hair's pretty shaggy.
SCOTT
OH GOD! I NEED A HAIRCUT DON'T I?!?
Scott sits up like a shot. Ramona is taken aback.
RAMONA
What?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 53.
58 CONTINUED: (4) 58
SCOTT
Ha. No, sorry. It's just that I
got... I got a bad haircut right
before me and my big ex broke up. But
it's so long ago, I can barely
remember it...
A deep voiced NARRATOR chimes in. Earl Jones deep.
NARRATOR
Scott is acutely aware that his last
salon haircut took place exactly 431
days ago, three hours before his big
breakup. He blames this largely on the
haircut and has been cutting his own
hair ever since.
RAMONA
Sounds like a bad time.
SCOTT
Not really.
NARRATOR
It was.
SCOTT
It was a mutual thing.
NARRATOR
It wasn't.
SCOTT
I mean, she told me it was mutual.
NARRATOR
She dumped him. It was brutal.
RAMONA
What was her name?
SCOTT
She was Nat when I knew her. But
she stopped liking that name.
Then...she stopped liking me...
RAMONA
Your hair is cute. I like it long.
SCOTT
But it'd be cuter short! Wouldn't it?!
Scott disappears and just as quickly reappears, now wearing
his dorky SNOW HAT, hair tucked tightly beneath the flaps.
RAMONA
What? Why are you wearing that?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 54.
58 CONTINUED: (5) 58
SCOTT
I thought we could go for a walk.
59 EXT. ENDLESS STAIRWAY - NIGHT 59
'15 MINUTES LATER'
Scott and Ramona climb a STAIRWAY, long handrail between them.
RAMONA
Tell me we didn't come out here
just so you could cover your hair
with that hat.
SCOTT
Nooo. I just love me some walking.
Putting one leg in front of the other.
RAMONA
You seem a little...heightened.
SCOTT
Yeah. I don't know. I just, when I'm
with you I feel like I'm on drugs. Not
that I do drugs, unless you do, in
which case I do drugs all the time,
every drug, but...you make me feel...I
don't know. Things seem a little
brighter around you or something.
Ramona and Scott finally reach the top of the stairs and
NIGHT TURNS TO DAY, as if crossing a magical line.
RAMONA
What is this place?
SCOTT
A totally awesome castle. They're
shooting this movie up here.
Ramona looks up at the looming CASA LOMA, a castle surrounded
by big, bright movie set lights.
RAMONA
Who's in it?
SCOTT
Winifred Hailey and some actor guy.
RAMONA
Oh, who?
SCOTT
I forget. Let's find out.
INTEGRATED FINAL 55.
60 EXT. CASA LOMA - CONTINUOUS 60
A crew readies a shot of WINIFRED HAILEY held hostage by some
GOON. A STAND IN takes the place of the leading man. Scott
and Ramona approach some SPECTATORS, including Wallace.
RAMONA
Did you find the guy you're stalking?
WALLACE
I think I'm about to right now.
FIRST A.D.
Mr. Lee is travelling!
RAMONA
Mr. Lee?
WALLACE
Lucas Lee.
RAMONA
Ooh.
SCOTT
Ooh?
The UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FANFARE announces LUCAS LEE as he exits
his trailer, smoking a cigarette (blacked out). He skates
towards the set, doing kickflips. The spectators go 'oooh'.
WALLACE
I want to have his adopted babies.
RAMONA
Oh, man. We gotta go.
SCOTT
What? Why?
RAMONA
I used to date that clown.
WALLACE
Slut.
RAMONA
Wallace. I am not a slut.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 56.
60 CONTINUED: 60
WALLACE
I can think of no higher accolade.
Lucas steps to his mark and puffs up into action hero mode.
LUCAS LEE
Action.
Lucas Lee points his board at the GOON.
SCOTT
Oh...my...God...
LUCAS LEE
Hey. The only thing keeping me and
her apart is the two minutes it's
gonna take to kick your ass.
SCOTT
...you dated a FAMOUS guy?!
RAMONA
In 9th grade. We had drama. Actually,
it might have been math. I just
remember there being lots of drama.
LUCAS LEE
HEY!!!
Lucas Lee points at Scott, who remains oblivious.
RAMONA
He just followed me around. He was
a little snot nosed brat.
SCOTT
He had snot? In his nose? But he's
famous!
LUCAS LEE
HEY!!!
RAMONA
It's not a big deal. I only dated
him for a week and a half-
LUCAS LEE
I'm talking to you Scott Pilgrim!
Lucas Lee stomps towards Scott, who gasps.
SCOTT
He's famous and he talked to me!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 56A.
60 CONTINUED: (2) 60
LUCAS LEE
The only thing keeping me and her
apart is the two minutes it's gonna
take to kick your ass!
SCOTT
Can I get-
POW! Lucas Lee punches Scott, flooring him. Scott comes back
up with a pen and paper, wobbly.
SCOTT
Can I get your autograph?
POW! Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He nods to Ramona.
LUCAS LEE
Sup. How's life? He seems nice.
Lucas Lee THROWS Scott up into a castle turret, crumbling it.
Scotts CRASHES down through scaffolding onto the set. Lucas
holds up his hands for a quick continuity photo, then stomps
over to pick up a dazed Scott from the ground.
WALLACE
Scott. Evil ex. Fight.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 57.
60 CONTINUED: (3) 60
LUCAS LEE
Think you stand a chance against an
A-lister, bro?
Lucas Lee PUNCHES Scott again. He slides across the wet-down
ground. A SET NURSE sprays Lucas' knuckles with antiseptic.
LUCAS LEE
Some competish you are.
Lucas Lee wanders off. Scott staggers to his feet, punchy.
SCOTT
Hey... hey... hey! I'm not done-
Scott spins Lucas around, only to find an identical STAND IN!
LUCAS LEE (O.S.)
Looks like you're seeing double.
Scott turns to see the real Lucas, smirking on the sidelines.
POW! The identical Stand In punches Scott to the ground.
LUCAS LEE
He's good, right? Sometimes I let
him do wide shots if I feel like
getting blazed back in my winnie.
Scott stands to fight the double. Suddenly, COUNTLESS
STUNTMEN fan out behind the STAND IN, all identically
dressed, all carrying skateboards and ready to rumble.
LUCAS LEE
I'm nothing without my stunt team.
The Stuntmen ATTACK Scott Pilgrim with a howl. Scott PUNCHES
through a couple of the boards, Tae Kwon Doe style.
WALLACE
Ask them how it feels to always get
his sloppy seconds!
SCOTT
How does it feel to-
KROW! Scott takes a skateboard to the face, followed by a
barrage of crippling skateboard blows to his knees and ribs.
LUCAS LEE
I'm gonna get coffee. You homies
want anything?
We follow the smirking Lucas to the coffee station. We hear
the noise of punching and kicking slowly subside to nothing.
SCOTT (O.S.)
Mr. Lee?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 58.
60 CONTINUED: (4) 60
Lucas turns, shocked to see Scott, in front of a PAINTED 2-D
SKYLINE BACKDROP, surrounded by many unconscious stuntmen.
SCOTT
You're needed back on set.
Scott CHARGES Lucas Lee and leaps into a FLYING KICK. Lucas
GRABS his foot and hurls him through the backdrop. RRRIP!
Scott lands in a CRUMP, framed through the torn skyline.
Lucas stomps over to him, preparing for the deathblow.
LUCAS LEE
Prepare... prepare to feel the wrath
of the League of Evil Exes!
SCOTT
The League of Evil Axes?
LUCAS LEE
You really don't know about the
"The League"?
SCOTT
Ummm...
LUCAS LEE
Seven evil exes? Coming to kill
you? Controlling the future of
Ramona's love life?
SCOTT
...no.
LUCAS LEE
Oh, well then don't worry about it.
SCOTT
Really?
LUCAS LEE
Yeah, bro. Let's get a beer.
Lucas offers a hand. Scott goes to shake it. POW! Lucas gets
him square in the mouth. Scott smiles through his aching jaw.
SCOTT
You are a pretty good actor.
LUCAS LEE
I'm going for the Oscar this year.
SCOTT
But are you a pretty good skater?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 59.
60 CONTINUED: (5) 60
LUCAS LEE
I'm more than pretty good, ese.
I have my own skate company.
Lucas pulls down his shirt, revealing a skate company tattoo.
SCOTT
So you can sell them, but can you
do a thingy on that rail?
Scott points to the LONG HANDRAIL on the stairs.
LUCAS LEE
It's called a grind, bro.
SCOTT
So can you do a grind thingy now?
LUCAS LEE
Are you serious? There's like 200
steps and the rails are garbage.
SCOTT
Hey, if it's too hardcore...
LUCAS LEE
You really think you can goad me
into doing a trick like that?
SCOTT
There's girls watching.
LUCAS LEE
Somebody get me my board.
Wallace taps Lucas' shoulder and hands him his skateboard.
WALLACE
Hi. Big fan.
LUCAS LEE
Why wouldn't you be?
CLACK! Lucas GOES FOR IT, a perfect ollie onto the rail.
Scott and Wallace watch as Lucas disappears from sight,
sparking down the ENDLESS RAIL...HSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace, impressed at Lucas.
SCOTT
Wow.
HSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace, very impressed at Lucas.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 59A.
60 CONTINUED: (6) 60
SCOTT
Wow.
HSSSSSSSSS...
Cut back to Scott & Wallace. Scott's about to say 'wow' when-
BOOOOOOOOM! A fireball appears from the bottom of the stairs.
WALLACE
Wow, he totally bailed.
SCOTT
Yes!
Fist bump. Scott smacks his forehead.
SCOTT
I didn't get his autograph.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 60.
60 CONTINUED: (7) 60
FIRST A.D.
Uh...that's a wrap everybody.
SCOTT
Where's Ramona? Is she still here?
WALLACE
No, she totally bailed.
SCOTT
What's the deal? Seriously.
61 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - DAY 61
Scott slumps on the couch, phone pressed to his ear. Wallace
cooks bacon in the kitchen (no pants). We hear the OUTGOING
MESSAGE: This is an automated voice messaging system. RAMONA
is not available, please record your message after the beep.
SCOTT
Hey. It's me, Scott again. Call me
back. Scott Pilgrim.
(HANGS UP)
What's the deal? Seriously.
Scott ambles over to the fridge and rests his head on it.
WALLACE
Yeah, you said that last night.
SCOTT
You know what really sucks though?
WALLACE
What?
SCOTT
Everything!
WALLACE
Come on guy, you can't say you
didn't see this coming. It was
right under your nose.
Wallace points to the NOTE Ramona scribbled which is pinned
literally under Scott's nose on the refrigerator:
RAMONA FLOWERS, 212 664-7665, xxxxxxx
WALLACE
What did you think these were?
SCOTT
Kisses? Seven little kisses?
WALLACE
Seven deadly X's.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 61.
61 CONTINUED: 61
Wallace cocks an eyebrow. Scott slides to the floor.
SCOTT
Why does everything have to be so
complicated?
Wallace crouches down to join Scott on the floor.
WALLACE
If you want something bad, you have
to fight for it. Step up your game.
Break out the L-word.
SCOTT
Lesbian?
WALLACE
The other L-word.
SCOTT
Lesbians?
WALLACE
Okay, it's 'love'. I wasn't trying
to trick you or anything. Look, if
she's really the girl of your
dreams, then you have to let her
know. You have to overcome any and
all obstacles that lie in your
path. You have the spirit of a
warrior, Scott. You can do it! Be
with her! It's your destiny!
(BEAT)
Plus, I need you to move out.
Scott's face falls, completely shocked at this bombshell.
SCOTT
What? Why? Are you moving in with
Other Scott or Jimmy or someone?
WALLACE
Or someone. Either way, I'm kind of
banking on her calling you back so
I won't have to evict you and feel
all guilty and shit.
RINGY RING. Scott and Wallace look at the phone.
WALLACE
I have a feeling that's for you, guy.
Scott picks up. A SEXY, NON-RAMONA VOICE REPLIES...
VOICE (O.S.)
Hey Scott.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 62.
61 CONTINUED: (2) 61
SCOTT
...Envy?
WALLACE
Oh, shit.
ENVY (O.S.)
It's been a long time.
SCOTT
Yeah.
ENVY (O.S.)
A year I think?
SCOTT
Approximately.
ENVY (O.S.)
How are you?
SCOTT
I'm not doing so good right now.
ENVY (O.S.)
That's too bad. Still breaking hearts?
SCOTT
What? No, stop. I've been-it's been
different. You have no idea.
ENVY (O.S.)
Probably not. Do you have a
girlfriend? Should I be jealous?
SCOTT
Yes, you should. I have this
totally awesome girlfriend who
calls me all the time. And she's
America. Uh. She's American.
ENVY (O.S.)
What's her name?
SCOTT
I'm not telling you that. Ramona.
ENVY (O.S.)
Oh.
SCOTT
What? Do you know her?
ENVY (O.S.)
Uh. No.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 63.
61 CONTINUED: (3) 61
SCOTT
It sounded like you did.
ENVY (O.S.)
I gotta go. Nice chatting with you.
SCOTT
WAIT-
CLICK...Scott slumps to the floor. Wallace appears over him.
WALLACE
Okay. Everything does suck.
Scott grunts. RINGY RING. Wallace grins and grabs the phone.
WALLACE
Or does it?
Scott sits bolt upright, expectant.
WALLACE
Oh, hey Knives.
Scott lays back down. FUCK.
WALLACE
What's that? You're outside?
Scott sits bolt upright again. FUCK! Wallace opens the door a
crack. Knives shivers outside, pale and broken looking.
KNIVES CHAU
Is Scott here?
WALLACE
You know what?
Behind Wallace, we see Scott LEAP through a window head
first. GLASS SMASHES.
WALLACE (CONT'D)
He just left.
Knives sighs. Scott sprints away in the background.
A62 EXT. STREET - DAY A62
Scott walks fast down the street, freaked out and paranoid.
He sees five 'X's looming above him on a pedestrian crossing
and quickly diverts into an...
62 EXT. ALLEY - DAY 62
Scott rips the 'X-Men' patch off his jacket, when-
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 63A.
62 CONTINUED: 62
WHZZZ - SOMETHING buzzes past Scott. He looks around.
SCOTT
Dude.
WHOOSH - another blast of air whizzes by.
SCOTT
Please.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 64.
62 CONTINUED: (2) 62
SHFFF - SOMETHING sweeps him off his feet. He's pissed now.
SCOTT
I'm really not in the mood.
SHWAA - SOMETHING slices the air in front of Scott.
SCOTT
Okay, enough!
Scott punches the air in front of him. Hits SOMETHING. A
DIMINUTIVE DIRTY BLONDE dressed in a punk rock kung fu get up
lands on the ground with a thump. She spins to face Scott.
MYSTERY ATTACKER
You punched me in the boob. Prepare
to die, obviously.
SCOTT
Listen, I've had it today. Can we
not do this right now?
ALT #1:
MYSTERY ATTACKER
(DIXIELAND ACCENT)
Love to postpone, darlin', but I
just cashed my last raincheck.
SCOTT
What's that from?
MYSTERY ATTACKER
(OWN VOICE)
My brain!
SCOTT
Well whatever this is about, can it
wait till I'm in the right frame of
mind?
ALT #2:
MYSTERY ATTACKER
Nuh uh. This is one nightmare you
can't wake up from.
SCOTT
Wait, am I asleep right now?
MYSTERY ATTACKER
No.
SCOTT
So, technically this is not a
nightmare.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 64A.
62 CONTINUED: (3) 62
MYSTERY ATTACKER
Right.
SCOTT
So how can I not wake up? If I'm
not actually asleep.
MYSTERY ATTACKER
Don't question me!
Scott shakes his head, baffled.
SCOTT
Well, I'm really, really not up for
this. Whatever it is.
MYSTERY ATTACKER
Okay little chicken, then I'll see
you later. But you won't see me.
Because I'll be deadly serious next
time.
SCOTT
What?
MYSTERY ATTACKER
Nevermind!
PAF - the Mystery Attacker vanishes. Scott looks to the sky.
SCOTT
Oh man. Someone help me.
63 EXT. BLOOR STREET - DAY 63
Scott is in his usual payphone, dialing Stacey frantically.
SCOTT
It's Scott.
STACEY (O.S.)
What did he do this time?
SCOTT
No, it's Scott. It's actually me.
STACEY (O.S.)
What did you do this time?
SCOTT
I didn't do anything. It's everyone
else that's crazy.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 65.
63 CONTINUED: 63
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Look I need to talk to you, I'm
having a meltdown or whatever. Are
you still working?
STACEY (O.S.)
I'm literally about to leave.
SCOTT
Cool, I'm coming in.
Scott hangs up the phone and walks two steps into-
64 INT. THE SECOND CUP - CONTINUOUS 64
Scott approaches the counter. Stacey has her back turned.
SCOTT
Think I'll make it a decaf today.
Stacey turns around, revealing herself to be JULIE!
JULIE
SCOTT PILGRIM!
SCOTT
AH! What did you do with my sister?
Stacey taps on the window outside, mouthing that she has to
go. Scott turns back to Julie, not happy.
JULIE
What can I fucking get you?
SCOTT
Is there anywhere you don't work?
JULIE
They're called 'jobs', something a
fuckball like you wouldn't know
anything about. And by the way, I
can't believe you fucking asked
Ramona out after I specifically
told you not to fucking do that!
(Note to concerned reader: Everytime Julie says "FUCK", a
black bar comes out of her mouth and the sound is bleeped.)
SCOTT
How do you do that with your mouth?
JULIE
Neverfuckingmind how I do it! What
do you have to say for yourself?
SCOTT
Uh. Can I get a caramel macchiato?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 66.
64 CONTINUED: 64
JULIE
Maybe it's high fucking time you
took a look in a mirror before you
wreak havoc on another girl.
SCOTT
Me? Wreak havoc?
Julie points at THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD poster behind the
counter with concert dates at the bottom.
JULIE
Fucking speaking of fucking which,
I hear the girl that kicked your
heart in the ass is walking the
streets of Toronto again.
SCOTT
So I can pick up my coffee over
here?
Scott retreats away from Julie and bumps right into...
RAMONA. They share an awkward moment. She looks at the floor.
RAMONA
Sorry that got a little crazy last
night.
SCOTT
Yeah. You kind of disappeared.
RAMONA
Yeah, I do that. Listen, I know
it's hard to be around me
sometimes. I'll understand if you
don't want to hang anymore.
SCOTT
No. No, I want to hang. The whole
evil ex-boyfriend thing. No biggie.
RAMONA
Exes.
SCOTT
I mean, I know it's early days, but
I don't think anything can really
get in the way of how I SHIT!
Scott hides behind Ramona as a lithe figure emerges from the
steamed-milk mists of the coffee shop...the singer from THE
CLASH AT DEMONHEAD has seemingly stepped out of the poster.
"ENVY ADAMS, 23, FUN FACT: KICKED SCOTT'S HEART IN THE ASS."
The icy, platinum blonde fashionista walks towards Scott.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 67.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
SCOTT (CONT'D)
It's my ex.
RAMONA
The big one?
Scott nods. LEONE STAREDOWN between Envy and Ramona.
RAMONA
I'm gonna...excuse me.
Ramona goes to order coffee, leaving Envy to fix on Scott.
ENVY
Your hair is getting shaggy.
REVERSE: Scott is instantly wearing his DORKY HAT.
SCOTT
Yeah?
ENVY
So. That's Ramona?
SCOTT
Yeah.
ENVY
Okay, I'm jealous.
SCOTT
YOU'RE jealous?
ENVY
I'm allowed.
SCOTT
You left me! For that cocky pretty boy!
ENVY
You've never even seen him.
SCOTT
Yeah. I know. You left me for a guy
I've never even seen.
ENVY
Maybe you'll see him soon. We're
playing Lee's Palace. You guys
should like, so totally come.
SCOTT
That's so not going to happen.
ENVY
Great. You're so on the list.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 68.
64 CONTINUED: (3) 64
Envy disappears into the cappucino mists. Ramona returns.
JULIE
Caramel Fuckiato for fuck Pilgrim!
SCOTT
(TO RAMONA)
It's pronounced 'Scott'.
65 EXT. TORONTO RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY 65
Scott and Ramona walk side by side, sipping their coffees.
RAMONA
So...that was Nat?
SCOTT
No, that was Envy.
RAMONA
So...what did you guys talk about?
SCOTT
She's totally jealous of you.
RAMONA
Envy's jealous? How about that?
SCOTT
Yeah. How. About. That.
RAMONA
What happened with the two of you?
SCOTT
Do you mind if we don't get into
that right now?
(BEAT)
She wanted to move to Montreal
because she missed her best friend.
This guy Todd.
RAMONA
And two weeks later, you heard they
were sleeping together I guess?
SCOTT
Basically.
RAMONA
I dated a Todd once. That didn't
end well either.
SCOTT
I can see how it sucks. Having the
past come back to haunt you.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 68A.
65 CONTINUED: 65
RAMONA
Is it wrong that I try not to think
about it?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 69.
65 CONTINUED: (2) 65
SCOTT
What do you want to think about?
RAMONA
How warm my place is right now.
Ramona stops and kisses him.
66 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 66
Scott lies between Wallace and Other Scott on the futon.
OTHER SCOTT
And you didn't bang her? Are you gay?
SCOTT
I couldn't stop thinking about my
stupid ex-girlfriend.
A bleary Jimmy sits up between them all.
JIMMY
Is that the Uma Thurman movie?
WALLACE
Scott. Just because Envy's back in
town doesn't make it not over.
SCOTT
Double negative. Tricky.
OTHER SCOTT
It's over. Move on.
WALLACE
Word.
JIMMY
Mm.
Scott stands (no pants). Music swells.
SCOTT
Right. I'm not gonna let her toy
with me. From this moment on, I
will think of Envy Adams no more!
67 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - DAY 67
STEPHEN STILLS
I have distressing news.
A deadly serious Stephen Stills addresses Kim, Scott and
Young Neil. Ramona lounges on the couch...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 69A.
67 CONTINUED: 67
KIM PINE
Is the news that we suck? Because I
really don't think I can take it.
STEPHEN STILLS
No. The Clash At Demonhead are
doing a secret show tomorrow night.
And Envy asked us to open for them.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 70.
67 CONTINUED: (2) 67
SCOTT
I hate you.
STEPHEN STILLS
A gig is a gig is a gig. Is a gig.
Maybe you can put your history
aside until we get through this
thing. You know, for the band? For
the band. For the band?
SCOTT
Can't we do our own secret shows?
KIM PINE
All our shows are secret shows.
STEPHEN STILLS
We're doing it. G-man might be
there! We play the next round of
the battle Saturday. We need to get
some buzz going. We need
groundswell. We need stalkers.
Stills paces past the window to reveal...KNIVES CHAU OUTSIDE.
CRASH ZOOM on her tearful face, pressed against the window.
TOTALLY CRUSHED to see Scott cuddling with Ramona.
SCOTT
What would you do? If your ex was
in a band and they wanted you to
open for them?
RAMONA
If my ex was in the band?
SCOTT
Yeah.
RAMONA
It might be a little awkward. But
maybe it's the grown up thing to do.
SCOTT
Yeah, we're all adults right?
68 INT. DRUG SMART - EVENING 68
KNIVES frantically rifles through racks of hair dye and rants
furiously into her cellphone.
KNIVES CHAU
He's dating a fat-ass hipster chick!
I hate his stupid guts! I'm gonna
disembowel him!
INTEGRATED FINAL 71.
68A INT. KNIVES' BEDROOM - EVENING 68A
Knives stands on her bed and continues ranting at Tamara.
KNIVES CHAU
He only likes her cause she's old!
She's probably like 25! She's just
some fat-ass white girl, you know?
TAMARA
I think you mentioned she was fa-
68B INT. KNIVES' BATHROOM - EVENING 68B
Tamara helps Knives color her hair under the bathtub spigot.
KNIVES CHAU
She's got a head start! I didn't
even know there WAS good music
until like two months ago! Okay,
this really burns.
TAMARA
We should rinse-
KNIVES CHAU
I mean, he knew I was cool but he
thought I was too young, so he
tried to find someone cool but old.
TAMARA
She's cool? I thought she was fat-
KNIVES CHAU
Well she THINKS she's cool. This is
all her fault.
TAMARA
Why?
Tamara turns the faucet on and rinses Knives hair.
KNIVES CHAU
It MUST be her fault. Obviously
it's just a twist of fate or
whatever, isn't it? Star crossed
lovers! Born too late!
Knives looks in the mirror: HER HAIR IS EXACTLY LIKE RAMONA.
KNIVES CHAU (CONT'D)
Oh God...I look so...so good.
Knives throws a long scarf on, looking sexy, eyes narrowing.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 72.
68B CONTINUED: 68B
KNIVES CHAU (CONT'D)
Scott Pilgrim destroyed my heart.
But I know how to get him back.
PUSH into Knives, as she plots. Tamara pops into frame.
TAMARA
How?
We see a TEXT MESSAGE typing onscreen:
'YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT'
69 EXT. LEE'S PALACE - NIGHT 69
A huge line of TOO COOL YOUTHS snakes outside a rock venue. A
sign reads 'THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD - Sold out'.
We hear loud music blasting through the open doors.
70 INT. LEE'S PALACE - CONTINUOUS 70
The LOUD MUSIC stops abruptly. Sex Bob-Omb bow onstage.
STEPHEN STILLS
Thank you. We were Sex Bob-Omb.
Wallace and Other Scott clap and cheer, drunk. The other
snobbish kids in the audience shrug and disperse.
STEPHEN STILLS
We got some merch out the back, so-
(to Scott and Kim)
Okay. Bar. Now.
71 INT. LEE'S PALACE - LATER 71
A disillusioned Sex Bob-Omb hang with Ramona at the bar.
STEPHEN STILLS
Level with me. Did we suck?
RAMONA
I don't know. Did you?
STEPHEN STILLS
She has to go. She knows we suck.
Ramona excuses herself.
INTEGRATED FINAL 73.
72 INT. LEE'S PALACE, LADIES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 72
Ramona does her eyeliner. She looks in the mirror to see two
images of herself staring back. Or is it...
"KNIVES CHAU, 17, SINGLE WHITE ASIAN" with identical hair,
clothes and makeup, standing next to Ramona, looking hot.
KNIVES CHAU
Hey Ramona.
RAMONA
Hey.
Ramona exits, confused. Knives follows.
RAMONA
What the hell?
73 INT. LEE'S PALACE - MOMENTS LATER 73
Ramona and Knives exit the bathroom together. Scott breaks
into a cold sweat. Knives shoots Scott a sultry look.
KNIVES CHAU
Hey Scott.
Knives heads into Young Neil's arms at the other end of the
bar. Scott struggles with something resembling jealousy.
SCOTT
What the hell?
KIM PINE
Look who Knives is hanging with.
RAMONA
Who is that girl again?
STEPHEN STILLS
Scottdatedher.
SCOTT
Briefly. Briefly.
KIM PINE
I bet Young Neil will date her even
briefly-er.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 74.
73 CONTINUED: 73
RAMONA
How old is she?
A 'WHEEL OF FORTUNE' spins INSIDE SCOTT'S HEAD, with
selections such as 'It was nothing' and 'She was nobody.' The
wheel sticks between 'I gotta pee.' and 'Who, her?'
SCOTT
I gotta pee on her.
(turns beet red)
I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time.
(SING SONGY)
Peee time.
74 INT. LEE'S PALACE, MENS BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER 74
Scott washes his hands and looks up to see TWO SCOTTS staring
back, one with fringed hair and a wicked glare!
Scott whips around. He's alone. SPOOKY MUSIC begins...
75 INT. LEE'S PALACE - MOMENTS LATER 75
A freaked out Scott returns to the group. The lights dim and
the stage fills with twisting blue tendrils of smoke.
THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD materialize, ENVY in a long black
coat. Knives screams her teen brains out.
The BASS PLAYER steps into the light, no longer shrouded in
dry ice, he cuts a handsome, striking ROCK GOD figure.
SCOTT
That guy on bass? That's Todd.
RAMONA
I know.
ENVY
Oh yeah...
SCOTT
You know?
ENVY
Oh yeah...
Todd flips his fringe from his eyes. Stares at Scott.
"TODD INGRAM, 25, EVIL-EX #3, FUN FACT: 9TH DEGREE VEGAN"
SCOTT
Oh no.
Envy lets her coat slip off, revealing a stunning figure.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 74A.
75 CONTINUED: 75
ENVY
OH YYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
76 INT. LEE'S PALACE - LATER 76
Sex Bob-Omb, Knives and Ramona hang near the BACKSTAGE doors.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 75.
76 CONTINUED: 76
KNIVES CHAU
Oh my God. Just oh my God.
YOUNG NEIL
Man, you have to see them live.
They're so much better live. Oh.
SCOTT
I think I'm going to throw up.
Julie opens the backstage door and huffs.
JULIE
I can't believe I'm even saying
this, but Envy Adams would like all
of you to come backstage.
SCOTT
All of us?
JULIE
Did I fucking stutter?
The group shuffles backstage. Scott hangs his head like a
condemned man.
KNIVES CHAU
How do you know Envy???
YOUNG NEIL
Scottdatedher.
Knives makes a face that looks like this: >:O !!!!
77 INT. LEE'S PALACE, RATTY BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT 77
SEX BOB-OMB lounge on a couch on one side of the room. Envy,
Todd and Julie lounge on a couch across from them.
Knives in shock as she thinks a thousand thoughts. Envy burns
a hole through Scott. Everyone else feels...'AWKWARD'.
TODD INGRAM
Hey Ramona.
RAMONA
Hey Todd.
TODD INGRAM
Been a while.
RAMONA
Mmm hmm.
TODD INGRAM
Mmm hmm.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 76.
77 CONTINUED: 77
RAMONA
(whispers to Scott)
I think we should get out of here.
JULIE
How was the tour? You played with
The Pixies? You're a superstar now!
ENVY
It's-yeah, it's not something I can
really put into words.
KNIVES CHAU
Um...Envy? I read your blog.
Todd and Julie glare at Knives.
ENVY
So...Scott and Ramona eh?
RAMONA
What of it?
ENVY
You guys are a cute couple, you
know? You suit each other.
STEPHEN STILLS
So what's your ulterior motive
Envy, in general?
JULIE
She doesn't need ulterior motives,
Stephen. She's got a write-up in
Spin!
KNIVES CHAU
You're my role model Envy.
ENVY
Just saying, cute couple. I like your
outfit Ramona. Affordable?
JULIE
I was going to say, Envy. Did you
get those jeans in New York, they're-
ENVY
I'm talking to Ramona right now.
JULIE
Ramona lived in New York.
ENVY
I was just there. We played the
Chaos Theatre for Gideon. You know
him, right?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 76A.
77 CONTINUED: (2) 77
Scott looks at Ramona. She is about to answer when...Knives
stands up, POINTS at Envy and SCREAMS-
KNIVES CHAU
I'VE KISSED THE LIPS THAT KISSED YOU!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 77.
77 CONTINUED: (3) 77
Envy nods at Todd. He PUNCHES KNIVES SQUARE IN THE JAW! OMFG!
Scott jumps to his feet, FACING OFF against Todd Ingram.
SCOTT
Knives!?
Young Neil rushes to Knives' aid. Scott boils. Todd smirks.
TODD INGRAM
That's right. I'm not afraid to hit
a girl. I'm a rock star.
YOUNG NEIL
You punched the highlights out of
her hair!
ANGLE on Knives. Her hair is black and plain as before.
YOUNG NEIL
He punched the highlights. Out. Of.
Her. Hair.
ENVY
You're incorrigible.
TODD INGRAM
I don't know the meaning of the word.
Young Neil escorts Knives out. Todd sits back down like
nothing happened. Scott's face is a bright shade of rage.
JULIE
So, are you guys doing anything fun
while you're in town?
TODD INGRAM
Fun? In Toronto?
SCOTT
That is IT, you cocky cock! YOU'LL PAY
FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!
Scott LEAPS across the table and SWINGS a punch at Todd.
Todd THRUSTS a hand out and telekinetically FREEZES SCOTT IN
THE AIR. Scott hovers, grasping his neck, choking. Todd's
hair magically forms into a FAUXHAWK.
SCOTT
KK...my neck...yy...your hair...
ENVY
Didn't you know? Todd's Vegan.
TODD INGRAM
It's not a big deal.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 78.
77 CONTINUED: (4) 77
Todd telekinetically HURLS Scott through the club's wall!
Ramona and Sex Bob-Omb peer through the newly made hole in
the wall, to see Scott sprawled on some trash bags. He tries
to keep cool, despite being in a lot of pain.
SCOTT
No kidding...anyone can be...vegan.
TODD INGRAM
Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe.
SCOTT
Ovo what?
TODD INGRAM
I partake not in the meat nor
breastmilk or ovum of any creature
that has a face.
ENVY
Short answer: Being vegan just
makes you better than most people.
TODD INGRAM
Bingo.
Todd lifts up Scott telekinetically and throws him miles into
the air. Scott sails out of shot and into space.
STEPHEN STILLS
Hey man, question. I always
wondered, how does not eating dairy
products give you psychic powers?
TODD INGRAM
You know how you only use ten
percent of your brain? Well, it's
because the other 90% is filled up
with curds and whey.
KIM PINE
Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?
TODD INGRAM
Go ahead and get snippy baby, if
you knew the science, maybe I'd
listen to a word you're saying.
Scott returns to earth with a THUMP. He moans in pain. While
the others bicker, Ramona helps Scott to his feet.
SCOTT
If I peed my pants, would you pretend
I just got wet from the rain?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 78A.
77 CONTINUED: (5) 77
RAMONA
It's not raining.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 79.
77 CONTINUED: (6) 77
SCOTT
Oh. How about you give me the Cliff
Notes on how and why you ended up
dating this a-hole?
RAMONA
Is that really important right now?
SCOTT
If there's a key element in his
backstory that can help me out in a
critical moment of not dying? Yes.
A brief, scrappy ANIMATED FLASHBACK of Young Todd and Ramona.
RAMONA (V.O.)
I was only dating Lucas until the
minute Todd walked by. I guess
that's not very nice, but I used to
be kind of...like that.
Young Ramona shoves Young Lucas down a hill and starts making
out with Young Todd.
RAMONA (V.O.)
We hated everyone. We wrecked
stuff. Nobody cared.
Young Ramona and Young Todd wreck stuff. Nobody cares.
RAMONA (V.O.)
He punched a hole in the moon for
me. It was pretty crazy.
Young Todd punches a hole in the moon. It's pretty crazy.
RAMONA (V.O.)
A week and a half later, he told me
his Dad was sending him to the
Vegan Academy, so I dumped him.
Does that help you at all?
The FLASHBACK ends. Scott can only fixate on one aspect.
SCOTT
Have you dumped everyone you've
ever been with? You've never been
the dumpee?
Ramona shrugs.
RAMONA
Look, I've dabbled with being a
bitch. It's part of the reason I
moved here. I was really hoping to
put it all behind me.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 80.
77 CONTINUED: (7) 77
Todd appears behind Ramona - ready for another round.
TODD INGRAM
We have unfinished business, I and he!
Scott stands up - sort of ready for another round.
SCOTT
He and me.
TODD INGRAM
Don't you talk to me about grammar!
SCOTT
I...dislike you. Capiche?
Understand?
TODD INGRAM
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
SCOTT
What?
TODD INGRAM
Because you'll be dust by Monday.
SCOTT
Um...
TODD INGRAM
Because I'll be pulverizing you in
two seconds. And the cleaning
lady...cleans up...dust. She dusts.
SCOTT
Sorry, so what's on Monday?
TODD INGRAM
Cos it's Friday now and she has
weekends off, so...Monday. Right?
ENVY
Basically, you can't win this fight
and you'll have to give up on this
girl, 'cos Todd is going to kill
you.
SCOTT
You used to be so...nice!
Scott CHARGES at Todd, who PSYCH-THROWS him back into the
club. We hear a distant CRUMP. Stills calls through the hole.
STEPHEN STILLS
Uh, we're going to Pizza Pizza for
a slice, call us when you're done.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 80A.
77 CONTINUED: (8) 77
ENVY
Oh, he'll be done real soon.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 81.
77 CONTINUED: (9) 77
Sex Bob-Omb skulks away. Envy grins at Ramona, wicked.
ENVY
Sorry, baby. Crummy way to end
things, I know.
Suddenly, the bass-line from FINAL FANTASY 2 rumbles through
the walls. Todd calls to a roadie.
TODD INGRAM
Get me my bass. The good one.
78 INT. LEE'S PALACE - CONTINUOUS 78
SCOTT stands in an elephant's graveyard of plastic cups and
bottles, picking the hell out of his bass, amp pegged to 10.
TODD INGRAM levitates, floating towards Scott with his bass.
TODD INGRAM
You're going down. Vegan Style!
Todd lands in front of Scott. BASS OFF! PICKS STRIKE STRING!
Todd easily out-basses Scott, shredding him into oblivion.
The enormous reverb LAUNCHES club debris towards Scott.
SCOTT
The reverb is hurting my soul!!!
Scott slides across the floor and slams right into the wall.
Todd LEVITATES, fauxhawk rising. He hovers next to him.
TODD INGRAM
That's right, Pilgrim. I actually
know how to play bass.
Todd DETUNES his bass and delivers a death note that BLOWS
Scott right through the stage wall.
79 INT. LEE'S PALACE, RATTY BACKSTAGE AREA- CONTINUOUS 79
Scott crashes into a backstage food table. Todd floats toward
him, savoring the kill. Envy appears beside him with a smirk.
TODD INGRAM
I can read your thoughts. Your bass
hand is badly injured. You're through.
Scott turns around on his knees, cringing, holding a cup of
MILKY LOOKING COFFEE in either hand as a peace offering.
SCOTT
What say we drink to my memory?
Fair trade blend with soymilk?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 81A.
79 CONTINUED: 79
ENVY
I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 82.
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
TODD INGRAM
Dude. I can see in your mind's eye
that you poured Half & Half into one
of these coffees in an attempt to
make me break vegan edge. I'll take
the one with soy. Thanks, tool.
Todd floats to the ground, takes one of the cups and drinks.
SCOTT
Actually, I poured soy in this cup,
but thought real hard about pouring it
in that one. You know, in my mind's
eye or whatever.
TODD INGRAM
What are you talking about?
SCOTT
You just drank Half & Half.
TWO TRENDY POLICE TYPES BUST IN THROUGH THE WALL, making two
more holes and pointing their fingers like deadly weapons.
VEGAN POLICE OFFICERS
Freeze! Vegan Police!
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1
Todd Ingram, you're under arrest
for veganity violation code number
827, imbibement of Half & Half!
TODD INGRAM
That's bullroar!
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1
No vegan diet, no vegan powers.
TODD INGRAM
But this is a first offense! Don't
I get three strikes?
Vegan Police Officer #2 flips open his CODE VIOLATION book.
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #2
At 12:27 a.m. on February 1st, you
knowingly ingested Gelato.
TODD INGRAM
Gelato isn't vegan?
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1
Milk and eggs, bitch.
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #2
On April 4th, 7:30 p.m., you partook
a plate of Chicken Parmesan.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 83.
79 CONTINUED: (3) 79
Envy gasps, disgusted.
TODD INGRAM
Chicken isn't vegan?
VEGAN POLICE OFFICER #1
The deveganizing ray! Hit him.
The Vegan Police BLAST Todd with arcs of power from their
finger guns. Todd's fauxhawk deflates into a bowl cut.
TODD INGRAM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Scott rises into a stance to deliver his killer line...
SCOTT
You once were a vegone, but now you
will be gone!
TODD INGRAM
Vegone?
Scott HEADBUTTS TODD, exploding him! POOM! Scott dusts
himself off as COINS rain down. Envy stares, jaw ajar.
SCOTT
Uh, sorry I guess.
ENVY
Sorry? You just headbutted my
boyfriend so hard he burst.
SCOTT
You kicked my heart in the ass. So
I guess we're even. Natalie.
ENVY
No one calls me that anymore.
SCOTT
Maybe they should. Now let's get
out of here.
A battle worn Scott limps through the hole in the wall.
Ramona follows, shooting Envy a look on the way out.
RAMONA
Crummy way to end things, I know.
Envy blinks, in shock. Julie pops into shot.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 84.
79 CONTINUED: (4) 79
JULIE
For the record, I am so pissed off
for you right now.
ENVY
Shut the fuck up, Julie.
80 INT. PIZZA PIZZA - NIGHT 80
Sex Bob-Omb, Wallace and Other Scott munch pizza slices.
Ramona and Scott, on the fringes. It's an odd mood.
WALLACE
Envy Adams. I hate that bitch so
much I kind of love her.
OTHER SCOTT
Yeah. That Todd guy was cool too.
And hot. I liked him.
Scott sighs and holds a cold Coke Zero on his forehead.
RAMONA
Are you okay?
SCOTT
Uh huh.
RAMONA
You sure about that?
SCOTT
Do I look like I'm not okay?
Scott does not look okay. Stills coughs.
STEPHEN STILLS
We're still going to the after show
right?
KIM PINE
I'm not sure it's gonna be much of
a party, I think a third of the
band just went 'poom'.
STEPHEN STILLS
Cool bands never go to their own
after parties. It's just the
desperate people trying to rub
elbows with label guys.
KIM PINE
Then why would we...oh.
STEPHEN STILLS
Neil, you down?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 85.
80 CONTINUED: 80
Neil is at the counter with a catatonic Knives. He shrugs.
STEPHEN STILLS (CONT'D)
Scott? You're in right?
RAMONA
Do you want to go?
SCOTT
I kind of almost died back there, so...
RAMONA
I'm not saying I want to go.
SCOTT
Hey, we can totally go.
RAMONA
I'll do whatever you want to do.
SCOTT
So let's go.
Scott takes another bite. Other Scott whispers to Wallace.
OTHER SCOTT
Are Scott and Ramona fighting?
WALLACE
Not to my knowledge.
OTHER SCOTT
Oh.
WALLACE
I mean, not with fists.
OTHER SCOTT
Oh.
WALLACE
Yet.
OTHER SCOTT
Ooh.
81 EXT. AFTER PARTY - NIGHT 81
The whole gang trudge to the after party. Scott limps a bit,
lagging behind. Ramona falls back with him.
RAMONA
We really don't have to go to this
thing. It'll probably be a bad
scene all around and we've already
had a full night.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 85A.
81 CONTINUED: 81
SCOTT
No, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just-
RAMONA
It's just...?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 86.
81 CONTINUED: (2) 81
SCOTT
Well, not that fighting harder and
harder battles for your love is
getting old or anything...but have
you ever dated someone who wasn't a
total ass?
RAMONA
So far you're not a total ass.
SCOTT
But I'm part ass?
RAMONA
If it makes you feel better, you're
the nicest guy I've dated.
SCOTT
Wait...is that good?
RAMONA
It's what I need right now.
SCOTT
But not...later?
RAMONA
Scott, I don't have all the
answers. I'd just like to live in
the moment if I can.
SCOTT
Yeah, I'd just like to live.
Scott and Ramona enter a big, fartsy, artsy WAREHOUSE.
82 INT. AFTER PARTY - CONTINUOUS 82
RAMONA
Okay, I know Todd was bad news. But
are you saying Envy wasn't? We all
have baggage.
SCOTT
My baggage doesn't try and kill me
every five minutes. What did you do
to your ex-boyfriends to make them
so insane?
RAMONA
Exes.
SCOTT
WHATEVER-
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 87.
82 CONTINUED: 82
RAMONA
No break up is painless. Someone
always gets hurt. What about you
and that girl Knives?
SCOTT
Knives?
RAMONA
Who broke up with who?
SCOTT
I believe...I broke up with her.
RAMONA
And was she cool with that?
SCOTT
Knives is with Young Neil now,
she's totally cool with it.
They pass Knives and Young Neil. She seemingly has no
interest in her date and simply stares at Scott lovingly.
RAMONA
You sure about that?
SCOTT
Yeah. She's very mature for her
age. It was a very healthy break
up. We're all peaches and gravy.
We hear an offscreen distant 'nooooo' from Knives.
RAMONA
And what about you and Kim?
They pass Kim. She's also staring at Scott. Not lovingly.
SCOTT
Me and Kim? I can barely remember.
Why, is it important?
RAMONA
Hey, you want to know everything
about my past, dude.
SCOTT
It was just...yeah. I don't know.
It was high school. She had
freckles. It was cool, I guess.
RAMONA
That's it?
SCOTT
Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 88.
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
Scott and Ramona have reached the bar at the party.
RAMONA
That's really the whole story?
SCOTT
OKAY! I had to fight a dude to get
with her! I fought a crazy eighty
foot tall purple suited dude! And I
had to fight 96 guys to get to him,
too! He was flying and shooting
lightning bolts from his eyes! He
was totally awesome and I kicked
him so far he saw the curvature of
the earth! Does that make you feel
any better?
RAMONA
Well now you are being a total ass.
Welcome to the club.
In the back glass of the bar, Scott sees his reflection:
fringed hair, wicked glare. He catches himself.
SCOTT
Sorry. I'm not usually like this.
RAMONA
Hey, don't worry. I don't know what
I'm like anymore.
SCOTT
I guess this whole ex-boyfriends thing
is really messing with my head.
RAMONA
Exes.
SCOTT
Why do you keep saying-
PAF! A foot appears out of nowhere and KICKS Scott in the
head, sending him flying across the dance floor.
Scott looks up at his opponent, the MYSTERY ATTACKER!
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Girl from earlier?
RAMONA
Roxy?
Scott gets up. The three square off in a triangle.
SCOTT
You know this girl?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 89.
82 CONTINUED: (3) 82
ROXY
Oh boy, does she know me.
SCOTT
What...is...she...talking about?
ROXY
He really doesn't know?
SCOTT
(ping!)
You and her?!
'ROXY RICHTER, 23, 4TH EVIL EX : SAPPHIC AGGRESSIVE.'
RAMONA
It was just a phase.
ROXY
Just a phase?
SCOTT
You had a sexy phase?
RAMONA
I didn't think it would count! It
meant nothing.
ROXY
It meant nothing???
RAMONA
I was just a little bi-curious.
ROXY
Well honey, I'm a little bi-furious!
Roxy throws a SCORPION KICK at Scott's face. Ramona CATCHES
her foot mid-air. Roxy flips out of the hold.
RAMONA
Do that again and I will end you.
ROXY
Back off hasbian. If Gideon can't
have you, no one can. The League
hath spoken.
The girls square off, clearing the busy dance floor.
RAMONA
Then Gideon best get his pretentious
ass up here, 'cos I'm about to kick
yours out of the Great White North.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 90.
82 CONTINUED: (4) 82
ROXY
You unbelievable bitch.
RAMONA pulls a LARGE HAMMER from her purse.
RAMONA
Believe it.
An embarrassed Scott watches with the rest of the crowd.
SCOTT
Wallace?
WALLACE
Uh huh?
SCOTT
This is happening right?
WALLACE
Uh huh.
SCOTT
I mean, this is live?
WALLACE
Oh yeah. KICK HER IN THE BALLS,
RAMONA!
With blinding speed, Roxy slips her belt off and WHIPS A
RAZOR SHARP FLYING GUILLOTINE BELT BUCKLE at Ramona! Ramona
CARTWHEELS as the buckle sails between her legs and SMASHES
into a DISCO BALL. Mirrored shards fly everywhere.
PAF! Roxy vanishes as Ramona SWINGS the hammer at her. It
smashes a speaker. Sound on one side of the room cuts out.
Ramona turns around just in time to see Roxy's deadly belt
SAILING towards her. She BLOCKS with the hammer. The belt
wraps around it. Roxy HURLS the hammer out the window.
ROXY
I'm sending you back to Gideon in a
thousand pieces, you slag.
Ramona springs off of various pieces of furniture, LEAPING
towards Roxy and PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE. Roxy REELS and
SLAMS into the wall, leaving a dent in it.
RAMONA
I'd rather be dead than go back.
He's a creep, you're a bitch and
you all deserve each other.
ROXY
Give it a rest, Ramona. This is a
League game.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 90A.
82 CONTINUED: (5) 82
RAMONA
Meaning?
Roxy points an accusing finger at the mortified Scott.
ROXY
Meaning your precious Scott must
defeat me with his own fists. Or
possibly feet.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 91.
82 CONTINUED: (6) 82
SCOTT
I'm not sure I can hit a girl.
They're soft.
RAMONA
You don't have a choice.
Ramona positions Scott into a fighting stance as Roxy CHARGES
with deadly intent. Ramona puppeteers Scott into a furious
volley of PUNCHES on Roxy. She staggers, winces.
ROXY
Fight your own battles, lazy ass!
PAF! Roxy disappears then REAPPEARS between Scott and Ramona,
kicking them apart with the splits. Roxy then KICKS Scott
into the ceiling. He lands HARD on the floor.
ROXY (CONT'D)
Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his
journey. Some sooner than others.
Roxy lifts her leg over her head, preparing to drop her boot
of DEATH on Scott's head. She grins at Ramona.
ROXY (CONT'D)
Your B.F's about to get F'd in the B!
RAMONA
Her weak point's the back of her knees!
SCOTT
What? How does that work?
RAMONA
Whenever we were making out, I-
SCOTT
Okay.
As Roxy's leg descends, Scott reaches up with one finger and
lightly TICKLES the back of Roxy's knee.
GRAPHIC: 'TICKLE TICKLE!'
ROXY
Oh...
Roxy falls, still in the splits, throbbing with orgasmic
meltdown. Scott watches as Roxy giggles between spasms.
ROXY (CONT'D)
You'll...never...be able to do this
to herrrrrrrrrrr!
Roxy screams in ecstasy before EXPLODING into COINS. A spent
Scott is left standing in the middle of the room.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 91A.
82 CONTINUED: (7) 82
The party starts up again, a wave of gossip spreading around
the room. People text furiously and point fingers at Scott.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 92.
82 CONTINUED: (8) 82
Scott flushes red and retreats back to the bar. Ramona
follows tentatively. The gossip echoes around them.
RAMONA
Sooooo...
SCOTT
Two gin and tonics please.
RAMONA
I thought you didn't drink.
SCOTT
Only on special occasions. Why? Did
you want one?
Scott swigs down his drink. Ramona tries to lighten things.
RAMONA
I guess we really don't know that
much about each other do we?
Scott seems immediately drunk.
SCOTT
Maybe you could just give me a list
of all your exes so at least I know
who's going to beat my ass into the
ground next.
RAMONA
Oh, like a handy little laminate or
something? Let me see if I can find one.
(looks through bag)
Maybe we could exchange our information.
Scott has already downed his second drink.
SCOTT
Just out of sheer curiosity and
concern for my mortal well-being,
is there anyone at this party you
haven't slept with?
EVERY GUY AND GIRL AT THE PARTY
HEY!
Ramona stops. Looks hurt. She touches her hair.
RAMONA
I really think we should split.
SCOTT
As in 'get out of here'? Or as in
'split split'?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 92A.
82 CONTINUED: (9) 82
RAMONA
I'd hope you could figure that out.
Or did you miss the part where I
saved your ass?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 93.
82 CONTINUED: (10) 82
SCOTT
How could I not? I feel like we just
washed our sexy laundry in public.
RAMONA
Dirty laundry. You're drunk.
SCOTT
(holds up 2 fingers)
I've had like one drink.
RAMONA
Well I'm sorry I cared. I don't
enjoy all this Scott. In fact I'm
sick of it. I thought you might be
more understanding.
SCOTT
I JUST-
RAMONA
You're just another evil ex-
boyfriend waiting to happen.
Ramona walks off and loudly announces.
RAMONA (CONT'D)
And yes, there is someone at this
party I haven't slept with. You.
Ramona leaves. Another crescendo of gossip echoes around the
room. Scott's friends gather round in a pity party.
But then - Ramona returns, handing Scott a LAMINATED LIST.
RAMONA (CONT'D)
P.S. Here's your stupid list.
Ramona exits proper. Scott looks at the list. It reads-
'PATEL, LEE, INGRAM, RICHTER, KATAYANAGI TWINS, GIDEON...'
SCOTT
Who the hell are the Katayanagi Twins?
STEPHEN STILLS
You don't know?
83 INT. STEPHEN STILLS' HOUSE - NIGHT 83
Stills flips to hand drawn sketches of THE KATAYANAGIS,
identical Asian twins dressed like pretentious New Wave fops.
STEPHEN STILLS
They're the next band in the battle
and they are badass.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 94.
83 CONTINUED: 83
We reveal a grim, terse Scott playing a doomy bassline. The
rehearsal room feels empty without Knives or Ramona.
KIM PINE
Ramona dated twins?
SCOTT
Apparently.
YOUNG NEIL
At the same time?
SCOTT
You know what? I don't know and I
don't want to know.
STEPHEN STILLS
Good. You know how I feel about
girls cockblocking the rock.
SCOTT
Good. I play better in a bad mood.
STEPHEN STILLS
If it's gonna be an issue though,
Young Neil can fill in for you.
SCOTT
It's not an issue. You know bands,
I know battles. We got it covered.
STEPHEN STILLS
Well, we'd understand if you didn't
want to take part.
SCOTT
Not only do I want to take part. I
want to take them apart.
STEPHEN STILLS
Okay. I'm getting tingles.
YOUNG NEIL
Whoa...
84 EXT. THE NINTH CIRCLE - NIGHT 84
Sex Bob-Omb and Young Neil load their gear at the venue.
STEPHEN STILLS
Okay. We're doomed.
YOUNG NEIL
Oh...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 94A.
84 CONTINUED: 84
Flyers cover the outside walls of another rock venue;
'T.I.B.B! SEX BOB-OMB!! THE KATAYANAGI TWINS!!! AMP VERSUS
AMP!!!! TWO BANDS ENTER!!!!!! ONE BAND LEAVES!!!!!!!!!!!'
KIM PINE
That flyer needs more exclamation marks.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 95.
84 CONTINUED: (2) 84
STEPHEN STILLS
Oh, we are going to get killed.
YOUNG NEIL
Come on. You're onstage in five.
SCOTT
Aren't the Katamaris or whatever on
first?
YOUNG NEIL
I think you're both on first?
STEPHEN STILLS
Wait...amp versus amp? We're going
on stage at the same time?
SCOTT
That's impossible-
85 INT. THE NINTH CIRCLE, STAGE - NIGHT 85
'ACTUALLY, NO'
Two stages sit on either side of the auditorium. On one: a
MONOLITHIC WALL OF ELK AMPLIFIERS. On the other, SEX BOB-OMB,
with their dinky LAME BRAND amps behind them.
SCOTT
Okay. My bad.
KIM PINE
Your bad is saying my bad.
Sex Bob-Omb stare up at the Katayanagi amps, sweating behind
their instruments. Stills looks into the audience positioned
between the bands: a legion of identical INDIE TEENS.
STEPHEN STILLS
We shouldn't even be here. We
shouldn't even be here.
Stills tries to run. Scott grabs him and pulls him back.
SCOTT
Come on man! I put aside my
problems for the music. If I can do
that, we can do anything.
KIM PINE
Did you speak to Ramona then?
SCOTT
What? No. I haven't seen her since
the other night.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 95A.
85 CONTINUED: 85
KIM PINE
Oh. She's totally here.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 96.
85 CONTINUED: (2) 85
Kim points to RAMONA in the crowd. She is totally there. Her
hair is now the BRIGHTEST GREEN, and she stands next to a
nondescript MYSTERY GEEK in blazer and black rimmed glasses.
They are chatting. She looks happy. Scott turns bleak again.
KIM PINE
Scott? Not that I care...but you should
talk to her before she's gone...
SCOTT
THANKS KI-
KIM PINE
And I really don't care.
Scott nods at Kim's advice. He looks back to the crowd to
find the MYSTERY GEEK staring right at him. Then-
Disorienting LIGHTS and LASERS flash on the opposite stage.
A wall of FEEDBACK builds...THE KATAYANAGI TWINS appear,
sliding onstage behind their respective keyboard stands.
KYLE KATAYANAGI, 23, is very serious and Japanese. KEN
KATAYANAGI, 23, is serious and very Japanese.
Scott, Stephen Stills and Kim share a nervous look.
STEPHEN STILLS
Okay gang. Can we do this? I mean,
we can do this. Right?
KIM PINE
Right.
STEPHEN STILLS
Scott?
Scott is distracted again by the Mystery Geek staring at him.
KIM PINE
Scott!
Kyle Katayanagi hits a SINGLE NOTE on the keyboard, blasting
an enormous wave of sound at Sex Bob-Omb. It's so loud that
it shakes the foundations and rips the lighting rig from the
ceiling, leaving a huge hole in the roof. The crowd cheers.
AUDIENCE DUDE (O.S.)
They brought the house down.
Now an open air venue, SNOW falls onto the stage. An earth
shaking BASS NOTE blows the dust off Sex Bob-Omb...
Scott and Stills get into battle position. Scott screams!
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 97.
85 CONTINUED: (3) 85
SCOTT
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! WE ARE HERE TO
MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH AND GET
SAD AND STUFF! 1-2-3-4!
Sex Bob-Omb ROCK OUT, their sound blowing a mass of snow
towards the Katayanagis. For once, they sound awesome.
Kyle looks at Ken. They share a nod. Ken turns their amps up
to the Japanese character for '11'. Their waveforms transform
the swirling snow into a TWO HEADED WHITE DRAGON!
Katayanagi SLAM their Moogs. Heavy weirdness EXPLODES from
the amps! The Dragon blows a BLAST of snowy fire that BLOWS
SEX BOB-OMB OFF THE STAGE. The crowd ERUPTS into cheers.
Scott, Kim and Stills lie in a heap under their instruments.
STEPHEN STILLS
Let's break up now and get it over
with. We screwed the pooch in front
of Gideon Graves. We're done.
SCOTT
Gideon...is here? Where?
Stills points to the 'Mystery Geek', who smirks and whispers
in Ramona's ear. This is GIDEON GRAVES, 37, ASSHOLE.
SCOTT
That's Gideon?
Scott's eyes reflect Ramona's hair and turn GREEN. He
struggles to his feet. The crowd slowly stops clapping as
Scott pulls Stills to his feet, then helps Kim up.
SCOTT
Alright. Let's do this!
Kim, inspired by Scott's new hardcore attitude, comes in
heavy on the kick drum. BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
Heads nod in time as Sex Bob-Omb ROCK OUT! Their waveforms
transform a mass of snow into a GREEN EYED YETI!
The Katayanagis fight back with their future sounds and their
Sonic Dragon stalks towards Sex Bob-Omb, slinking on perfect
beat with the Katayanagis' spooky music.
The Yeti and the Dragons CLASH at center stage, fighting in
time to the music!
Scott and Stills bring their pick hands down like fierce
PUNCHES. The Yeti brings it's fists down on The Dragon. Sex
Bob-Omb HAMMER DOWN THE FINAL NOTE:
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 98.
85 CONTINUED: (4) 85
The Yeti picks up The Dragon and THROWS it at the Katayanagi
Twins, EXPLODING them and their amps into COINS.
'+999 ROCKING'
KIM PINE
That...was epic.
The crowd goes bazooky. A DISEMBODIED SCOTT HEAD appears,
hovering next to Scott.
Scott looks for Ramona in the crowd, but she and Gideon are
gone. Scott hands his bass to Young Neil.
STEPHEN STILLS
Scott. What are you doing?
SCOTT
Getting a life.
Scott swipes the SCOTT HEAD and jumps into the still-
applauding crowd. He can't find Ramona, but comes upon KNIVES
standing alone in her homemade Sex Bob-Omb T-shirt.
KNIVES CHAU
I just came to see the show. I'm
not even stalking you.
Knives's unusally composed demeanor gives Scott pause.
SCOTT
You seem... different.
Knives shrugs, different.
KNIVES CHAU
I feel like I know stuff now.
Scott and Knives lock eyes. Scott suddenly spots a flash of
GREEN HAIR exiting the building.
SCOTT
Ramona...
Scott follows. Knives watches him go, eyes narrowing.
86 EXT. THE NINTH CIRCLE - NIGHT 86
Scott chases Ramona down the street outside the venue.
SCOTT
Ramona. I have something I need to
tell you.
RAMONA
Yeah, I have something to-
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 98A.
86 CONTINUED: 86
SCOTT
(RUSHED)
Great. Listen, I know you just play
mysterious and aloof to avoid
getting hurt. I know you have
reasons for not wanting to talk
about your past. And I want you to
know, I don't care about any of
that stuff. Why? Because I'm in
lesbians with you.
RAMONA
What?
SCOTT
I really, really mean it.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 99.
86 CONTINUED: (2) 86
RAMONA
Oh. Okay.
SCOTT
What did you want to tell me?
RAMONA
That we have to break up.
SCOTT
What?
RAMONA
Yeah...it's not going to work out.
SCOTT
Oh okay...
A sleek black '61 Lincoln Continental pulls up behind.
RAMONA
It's Gideon. I just...I can't help
myself around him.
VOICE (O.S.)
That's the bad news.
GIDEON GRAVES appears behind Scott with Stills and Kim in
tow. The Lincoln parks. A driver opens the passenger door.
GIDEON GRAVES
The good news, Scottie, is I'm
officially loving the Sex Bombs.
SCOTT
Bob-omb.
GIDEON GRAVES
Three piece rock outfit with a semi-
attractive female drummer? Music to
my earholes.
Scott glowers. Ramona looks at the floor. Stills is ga-ga.
TEXT: An arrow points to Stills' crotch, captioned 'PEE'.
GIDEON GRAVES
You know, I'm not even going to wait
to see how you guys do in the final.
I'm signing you right now for a three
album deal.
Gideon produces a CONTRACT and clicks a pen.
GIDEON GRAVES
See? I'm not such a bad guy after
all.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 99A.
86 CONTINUED: (3) 86
Scott GRABS the contract and throws it onto the sidewalk.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 100.
86 CONTINUED: (4) 86
SCOTT
You think we're gonna sell our
souls to you? Well then guess-
We hear SCRIBBLING. Stills has picked up the contract and is
furiously signing it using Scott's back. Kim shrugs and signs
it too, before trying to hand it back to Scott.
SCOTT
Nuh-uh. I can't be part of the band
with this douche-in-charge.
GIDEON GRAVES
Scottie, buddy, can I just say,
keep your emotions in check. Don't
let what's past screw up your
future.
Scott watches Ramona get into the Continental. She rolls the
mirrored window up so Scott stares at his own reflection.
STEPHEN STILLS
The people need to hear us, Scott.
SCOTT
Then you're going to need to find
someone else to play bass.
A cough. A meek Young Neil slides into view, bass in hand.
GIDEON
Looks like we're all set.
Young Neil signs the contract. There are hand shakes all
round. Gideon turns to Scott and pats him on the shoulder.
GIDEON
Oh and Scott, we should really be
thanking each other. I mean, if it
wasn't for me, you would have never
been with Ramona, but if it wasn't
for you, she wouldn't be back with
me. So I guess it all shakes out.
Gideon walks around to the driver side of the Lincoln.
GIDEON
And hey, the whole League of Evil
Exes thing? I was in a dark place
when I put that together. Forgiven?
Gideon disappears into the Lincoln and drives off and Sex
Bob-Omb drift away. Scott stands alone. He slaps his head-
SCOTT
I said 'lesbians'!
INTEGRATED FINAL 100A.
87 INT. THE BUS / GIDEON'S LINCOLN - NIGHT 87
Scott sits on the bus alone, thinking about Ramona...
Ramona sits expressionless in the back of Gideon's car...
Scott tries desperately to think positive...
A smiling Gideon sidles closer to Ramona...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 101.
87 CONTINUED: 87
Scott walks forlornly down an empty street and bumps his head
on a telephone pole. 'THONK'.
'OH GOD WHY'
A88 EXT. THE PARK - NIGHT / DAY / NIGHT A88
Scott sits on the swings, staring straight ahead.
Night turns to day. Day turns to night.
Scott remains in the exact same position.
STACEY (O.S.)
Was she really the one?
Scott looks over to see STACEY on the swing next to him.
SCOTT
The wha?
STACEY
I mean, did you really see a future
with this girl?
SCOTT
Like...with jetpacks?
Stacey stands to go, gives Scott a hug.
STACEY
Time heals all wounds, little
brother. Maybe next time let's not
date the girl with eleven evil ex-
boyfriends.
SCOTT
Seven.
STACEY
Oh. Well that's not so bad.
Stacey heads off. Scott looks at the camera.
88 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 88
Scott enters. Flicks the light on. Gets a shock.
SCOTT
Aaah!
WALLACE (O.S.)
TURN OFF THE LIGHT!
Scott flicks the light off. Over PITCH BLACK...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 102.
88 CONTINUED: 88
WALLACE (O.S)
Presumably you just saw someone's
junk, and I apologize for that.
VOICE (O.S.)
Sorry.
SCOTT (O.S.)
Was that Other Scott or Jimmy or
someone?
WALLACE (O.S.)
Or someone.
VOICE (O.S.)
It's Chris.
WALLACE (O.S.)
It's Chris.
89 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - LATER 89
Scott sits in the chair, wrapped in a blanket. SOME GUY lies
in Scott's usual futon spot (wearing Wallace's monogrammed
robe). Wallace hands Scott cocoa.
WALLACE
Scott, you know I love you. But I
need my own bed tonight. For sex.
SCOTT
Right.
WALLACE
I may need it the rest of the week too.
SCOTT
Right.
And the year.
SCOTT
I get it.
WALLACE
Maybe you can move in with Ramona.
Scott stares deep into his cocoa and shakes his head.
SCOTT
She's with Gideon.
WALLACE
Ah. That sucks. But you know, it's
probably just because he's better
than you.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 102A.
89 CONTINUED: 89
Scott nods.
WALLACE
He'll certainly have better hair.
Scott nods.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 103.
89 CONTINUED: (2) 89
WALLACE
Either way, I think this fight is over.
Scott nods.
WALLACE
You can sleep on the floor until
you get somewhere else to stay. I
got you muffs and blinkers in case
this might happen.
Wallace produces earmuffs and a sleep mask.
SCOTT
Thanks.
RINGY RING. Scott stares at the phone. Some guy picks up.
SOME GUY
It's for Scott.
SCOTT
(TAKES PHONE)
Hello?
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Hey, pal. Just wanted to say I feel
terrible about earlier. I don't
want any hard feelings, so I
figured why not be the bigger man
and give you a call.
SCOTT
Is Ramona with you?
90 INT. GIDEON'S LAIR - CONTINUOUS 90
Gideon appears to sit on some kind of throne. He calls off.
GIDEON GRAVES
I don't know. Are you with me?
RAMONA (O.S.)
Yeah.
SCOTT (O.S.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
GIDEON GRAVES
Geez buddy, it's gonna be alright.
91 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 91
SCOTT
No, I just spilled cocoa on my crotch.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 104.
91 CONTINUED: 91
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S)
Sure you did. Well as you know, I'm
opening a new Chaos Theatre in
Toronto and The Sex Bobs are
playing our grand opening tonight,
and it would feel really weird for
all of us if you weren't there.
They just did a sound check and the
acoustics in here are amazing.
SCOTT
(GRIM)
Yeah. Maybe I'll see you there.
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
I hope so, amigo. I don't want
anymore bad blood between ex's.
What do you say?
SCOTT
Mm.
GIDEON GRAVES
Okay laters.
Click.
WALLACE (O.S.)
What a perfect asshole.
Scott turns, alarmed. REVEAL Wallace on the other cordless.
WALLACE
Forget what I said earlier. Finish him.
92 EXT. STREETS OF TORONTO - NIGHT 92
Snow blows around a steely eyed Scott as he stomps towards a
group of desolate WAREHOUSES near the water. A lone HIPSTER
KID smokes a cigarette, leaning against a warehouse wall.
HIPSTER KID
Password?
Scott shrugs.
SCOTT
Whatever.
HIPSTER KID
Cool.
The Hipster Kid waves Scott in.
INTEGRATED FINAL 104A.
93 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 93
The warehouse is empty. Scott follows the sound of music to a
GATED ELEVATOR. Two Hipster Kids guard the elevator.
HIPSTER KID
Second password?
Scott gives the slightest shrug.
HIPSTER KID
Cool.
Scott steps into the elevator. So far so good.
INTEGRATED FINAL 105.
94 INT. CHAOS THEATRE - CONTINUOUS 94
Scott exits the elevator and steps into GIDEON'S UNDERGROUND
LAIR OF COOL SHIT...the CHAOS THEATRE.
All HIPSTER KIDS have gathered in one spot of ultimate
snobbery. They are legion, wearing identical outfits; Chuck
Taylors, skinny jeans. COMEAU holds court among them.
COMEAU
Yeah, their first album is so much
better than their first album.
Scott pushes through the idiot hordes. SEX BOB-OMB are
playing onstage, now using SWEET BRAND amps, YOUNG NEIL on
bass. Stills sees Scott walking by as they finish a song.
STEPHEN STILLS
Scott!
Scott pauses, looking up at his former bandmates.
STEPHEN STILLS (CONT'D)
Let it go. Don't give him the
satisfaction.
SCOTT
What if I want the satisfaction?
STEPHEN STILLS
Well, then you're doomed.
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Scott Pilgrim!
Scott turns to see GIDEON sitting on a throne of cool atop a
BLACK VELVET VIP PYRAMID. Ramona kneels at his side.
GIDEON GRAVES
Hey buddy, welcome to the Chaos
Theatre. Somebody get this man a
drink! Coke Zero right?
A COCKTAIL WAITRESS with a fringe appears with a Coke Zero.
Scott takes the beverage and THROWS THE CUP TO THE FLOOR!
SCOTT
I'm not here to drink.
GIDEON GRAVES
I got no beef with you.
SCOTT
What if I have a beef...with you?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 106.
94 CONTINUED: 94
GIDEON GRAVES
Are you still mad about that whole
thing with the Guild?
SCOTT
You mean 'The League'?
GIDEON
Guild, League, whatever. It's
ancient history.
Gideon puts his arm around Ramona.
SCOTT
I'll show you how ancient of
history it is.
Scott gets into a fighting stance. Gideon loses his cool.
GIDEON GRAVES
No use crying over spilt Coke,
buddy. The lady made her choice and
we're all gonna have to move on.
SCOTT
Well I ain't moving...buddy.
GIDEON GRAVES
You want to fight me for her?
SCOTT
Was that not clear?
(to Sex Bob-Omb)
Was that not clear?
Sex Bob-Omb shake their heads. Gideon stands up, flexes.
GIDEON GRAVES
Now why on earth do you want to do that?
SCOTT
Because, I'm in love with her.
Ramona and Scott lock eyes. A new power comes over Scott. He
reaches for the HEART DESIGN printed on his ratty vintage T-
shirt and pulls a FLAMING BLUE SWORD from his own chest.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Scott earned the power of love...
Ramona looks away from Scott. Gideon smiles.
GIDEON GRAVES
I think this deserves a song.
Kimberly?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 107.
94 CONTINUED: (2) 94
Kim scratches her head with her middle finger before
grudgingly launching into a number.
KIM PINE
We are Sex Bob-Omb, we are here to
make money, and sell out and stuff.
Kim clicks out a fast tempo. Sex Bob-Omb begin to ROCK OUT.
A HORDE OF HIPSTER INDIE KIDS ATTACK SCOTT PILGRIM, ON BEAT.
Scott swings at them with his FLAMING BLUE SWORD. He slashes
at them to the beat, exploding each attacker into COINS.
Scott then RUNS up the side of the pyramid towards Gideon.
GIDEON GRAVES
Ramona. My cane.
Ramona hands Gideon a cane with G-MAN engraved on the handle.
He unsheathes a SWORD that could not have fit in there.
Scott and Gideon LEAP towards each other...Gideon descends
like a vulture and SMASHES the sword out of Scott's hands.
Scott hits the ground HARD, rolling to a stop.
SCOTT
Your club sucks, by the way.
Gideon approaches, to administer a final blow.
GIDEON
If my cathedral of cutting edge
taste holds no interest for your
tragically Canadian sensibilities,
then I shall grant you a swift exit
from the premises. And fast
entrance into HELLLLLLL.
Gideon raises his sword. Then from above...
KNIVES CHAU (O.S.)
SCOOOOOOOOOTT!!!
KNIVES CHAU sails into frame and KICKS the sword out of
Gideon's hands. She lands awkwardly, tripping and falling
down the side of the pyramid. Gideon chuckles.
GIDEON GRAVES
That is priceless.
Scott looks to Knives, both concerned and amazed. She quickly
recovers and POINTS a furious finger.
'KNIVES CHAU, 18 YEARS OLD, FUN FACT: SCOTTAHOLIC'
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 108.
94 CONTINUED: (3) 94
KNIVES CHAU
You'll pay for what you did to him!
GIDEON GRAVES
Listen, Kung Pao Chicken, your old
old boyfriend brought this all on
himself. He was warned plenty of
times. But did he listen? Did he f-
KNIVES CHAU
I'm not talking to you. I'm talking
to HER!
Angle on a confused RAMONA standing behind Gideon.
RAMONA
What?
KNIVES CHAU
YOU BROKE THE HEART THAT BROKE
MINE! GET READY TO CHAU DOWN!
Knives leaps up the pyramid toward a shocked Ramona!
RAMONA
You're kidding right?
Knives pulls out KNIVES and charges! Ramona fights
defensively, redirecting Knives' parries without harming her.
GIDEON
You can't say I don't know how to
put on a show.
GIDEON lashes out at Scott. He can barely block Gideon's
tremendous blows, distracted by his duelling exes.
RAMONA
What the hell is your deal?
KNIVES CHAU
You stole him with your advanced
American slut technology.
DUAL DUEL! The fighters weave in and out of each other,
throwing blocks and punches, KUNG FU STYLE.
RAMONA
I don't know what you're talking
about, I didn't steal anyone.
Scott lands a KICK to Gideon's chest, sending him flying off
the edge of the pyramid. He then BLOCKS a punch from Knives
to Ramona and spins her away, separating them.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 109.
94 CONTINUED: (4) 94
SCOTT
Can we please stop all this
fighting! Nobody stole anybody.
Knives, I dated you and then I
dated Ramona. Okay?
(BEAT)
I mean...maybe I kind of forgot to
tell Knives right away, but...
KNIVES CHAU
Then you cheated on me, Scott!
(EYES NARROWING)
You cheated on both of us.
Knives and Ramona both look at Scott, neither amused.
RAMONA
You cheated on me with Knives?
SCOTT
No! I cheated on Knives. With you.
RAMONA
Is there a difference?
SCOTT
You weren't wronged?
Scott breaks into a flop sweat.
SCOTT
Right?
Knives and Ramona stare at Scott.
GIDEON (O.S.)
Game over!
STAB! A sword pierces Scott's chest from behind.
GIDEON GRAVES
Scottie. You can cheat on these
ladies all you want, but you
can't...cheat...death.
Scott slides off Gideon's sword and falls to the ground...
TEXT WITH ARROW POINTING TO SCOTT: 'DEAD'
Everything goes white...SAND blows through frame...Scott's
eyes blink open. He looks up into a BLINDING BLUE SKY...
95 EXT. THE DREAM DESERT - DAY 95
Scott sits up next to a lone cactus, rubbing his temples.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 109A.
95 CONTINUED: 95
SCOTT
Ugh.
Ramona appears out of nowhere; fainter than before.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 110.
95 CONTINUED: (2) 95
RAMONA
I'm sorry. Dying probably sucks.
SCOTT
You know what sucks? Getting killed
by THAT guy. Why him?
RAMONA
It's complicated.
SCOTT
Well, maybe now would be the time
to get into it. Seeing as I'm about
to die.
RAMONA
Alright... the truth is, it was me
who was obsessed. I was crazy about
him. But he ignored me. I was more
alone when we were together than I
ever was on my own. That's why I
had to leave... and that's when he
started paying attention.
SCOTT
So why go back?
RAMONA
I can't help myself around him,
Scott. He just... has a way of
getting into my head.
SCOTT
Well, that's legitimately
disappointing. I really will leave
you alone forever now...
RAMONA
No. I mean, he literally has a way
of getting into my head.
Ramona lifts her hair up on the back of her head, revealing a
blinking CHIP implanted on her skull.
SCOTT
That is evil.
RAMONA
He's like that.
Ramona covers the chip, self-consciously touching her hair.
SCOTT
So this kinda sucks for everybody, eh?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 111.
95 CONTINUED: (3) 95
RAMONA
I'm sorry it had to end this way.
We had a good run, I guess.
SCOTT
You can't say I didn't try. I
really fought for you back there.
RAMONA
Uh-huh.
The winds blow harder, Ramona seeming to fade away.
RAMONA
But someone was fighting pretty
hard for you back there.
Scott's eyes go wide with epiphany,
SCOTT
Knives?
RAMONA
I wish I was ever as fanatically
devoted to anything as that girl is
to you.
Ramona slowly dissolve away in the sand.
SCOTT
I feel like I learned something. Which
would be great if I wasn't dead.
Ramona is gone. Scott slumps to his knees.
SCOTT
So...so alone.
DA-DING. The PILGRIM-HEAD appears and rotates around Scott.
SCOTT
Ahhhhhh...
We FLASH BACK to Scott swiping the PILGRIM HEAD, then FAST
FORWARD through the breakup with Ramona and Sex Bob-Omb. We
hear Scott screaming throughout this magical restart.
SCOTT
...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
96 INT. WALLACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 96
We FAST FORWARD all the way to Wallace's apartment, as Scott
enters. He flicks the light on.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 112.
96 CONTINUED: 96
SCOTT
...AAAAAAAAAHHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I
HAD TO SEE THAT AGAIN!
SOME GUY (O.S.)
Again?
WALLACE (O.S.)
Turn off the light!
Scott flicks the light off. On PITCH BLACK...
SCOTT
Wallace, when my journey began, I
was living in an ordinary world.
Ramona skated through my dreams and
it was like a call to adventure, a
call I considered refusing. But my
Mentor, that's you, told me if I
want something bad enough I have to
fight for it. So I did. There were
tests, allies, enemies. I
approached a deep cave and went
through a crazy ordeal, during
which I totally seized the sword.
Sadly, I died. Then I resurrected!
Now I realize what I should have
been fighting for all along. But
before I do that, I need to ask one
final favor of you.
WALLACE (O.S.)
Sure thing, guy.
SCOTT
Could you put a robe on and hand me
the phone?
Wallace flicks on a bedside lamp, hands him the phone.
SCOTT
Toronto. Chaos Theatre. Gideon
Graves.
(BEAT)
Tell him Scott Pilgrim is calling.
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Scott. I was just about to-
SCOTT
Hey, pal. I feel terrible about
everything. I don't want any hard
feelings, so I figure why not be
the bigger man and give you a call.
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Um...
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 112A.
96 CONTINUED: (2) 96
SCOTT
Sorry, what I meant to say is 'I'm
coming over to kill you'.
Scott hangs up and heads for the door, hardcore.
WALLACE
GO KICK THAT GUY'S ASS!
Wallace stands to high five Scott, exposing his junk.
WALLACE (CONT'D)
Ah, sorry.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 113.
96 CONTINUED: (3) 96
SCOTT
You seen one...
97 EXT. STREETS OF TORONTO - DAY 97
Scott Pilgrim RUNS towards the desolate WAREHOUSES. The same
HIPSTER KID smokes a cigarette against the wall.
SCOTT
Your hair looks stupid.
The Hipster Kid EXPLODES into COINS.
98 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 98
Scott approaches the two Hipster Kids guarding the ELEVATOR.
HIPSTER KID
'Sup?
SCOTT
Whatever.
Scott SPLIT KICKS them in the faces, knocking them out.
99 INT. CHAOS THEATRE - CONTINUOUS 99
DING! Scott exits the elevator and steps into GIDEON'S
UNDERGROUND LAIR OF COOL SHIT: THE CHAOS THEATRE...AGAIN.
COMEAU
Yeah, their first album is so-
Scott KNOCKS DOWN Comeau and looks to Sex Bob-Omb.
STEPHEN STILLS
Scott! Let it go.
SCOTT
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You
guys sound better without me. Young
Neil? You have learned well. From
this point forward, you shall be
known as 'Neil'. And Kim?
Kim looks at Scott, deadpan as ever.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Sorry about...everything.
Kim shrugs.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
Sorry about me.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 113A.
99 CONTINUED: 99
Kim SMILES at Scott for the first time ever.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 114.
99 CONTINUED: (2) 99
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Scott Pilgrim!
Scott turns to GIDEON on his throne, Ramona at his side.
GIDEON GRAVES (CONT'D)
Hey buddy, welcome to the Chaos-
SCOTT
Save it. You're pretentious, the club
sucks, I have beef, let's do it.
Scott goes straight into fight mode.
GIDEON GRAVES
You want to fight me for her?
Ramona and Scott lock eyes. A strange new power overcomes
Scott, different than before.
SCOTT
No...I want to fight you for me.
Scott reaches for the HEART DESIGN printed on his ratty T-
shirt and pulls a FLAMING RED SWORD from his own chest.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Scott earned the power of self-respect.
SCOTT
Kim?
KIM PINE
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB, AND WE ARE HERE TO
WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH
IN!
Kim drives a hardcore beat. Sex Bob-Omb ROCK THE FUCK OUT.
HIPSTERS ATTACK SCOTT PILGRIM to the BEAT. Scott swings his
FLAMING RED SWORD, exploding each attacker into COINS.
GIDEON GRAVES
Ramona. My cane.
Ramona hands Gideon his cane. He unsheathes his SWORD. Scott
and Gideon RUN towards each other, LEAPING in the air. They
pass in the air and Scott SLASHES. They land on opposite
sides of the platform, backs to each other.
SCOTT
How's it going back there?
GIDEON GRAVES
You dick.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 114A.
99 CONTINUED: (3) 99
Gideon falls down. Dead, apparently. Scott calls out.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 115.
99 CONTINUED: (4) 99
SCOTT
Knives! I know you're in here!
Don't attack Ra-
Knives SAILS through the air and KICKS Ramona in the head
SUPER HARD. We hear a METALLIC KLONK.
They square off, Ramona staggered, Knives pulling KNIVES.
KNIVES CHAU
Steal my boyfriend, taste my steel.
Scott jumps between them, hands held out.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
ENOUGH!
Knives tries to go around him. Scott GRABS her wrists. She
kicks him in the face.
KNIVES CHAU
No, Scott! This fat ass hurt me and
I will have my revenge!
SCOTT
No, Knives. I hurt you. I cheated
on you.
Knives steps back, stunned.
KNIVES CHAU
You cheated on me Scott?
SCOTT
I cheated on both of you. And I'm
sorry. I was a different guy back
then.
Knives' frown melts. Scott turns to Ramona.
SCOTT (CONT'D)
And...you're not a fat ass. She didn't
mean that. So, are we all good?
Ramona rubs the back of her head. The CHIP no longer blinks.
RAMONA
Never felt better.
GIDEON GRAVES (O.S.)
Are we all done with the hugging
and learning? I thought we had a
fight going here.
All turn to see GIDEON; bloodied, but still grinning, a
lopsided slash across his face accentuating his smirk.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 115A.
99 CONTINUED: (5) 99
SCOTT
Oh, you got a fight alright.
Scott steps into a fighting stance. Knives joins him.
GIDEON
Ramona. Are you with me?
Ramona looks to Gideon, then joins Scott and Knives and
STRIKES A FIGHT POSE, the three of them ready to rumble.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 116.
99 CONTINUED: (6) 99
GIDEON (CONT'D)
Wrong move, baby.
Scott ATTACKS with his sword. Gideon BLOCKS, disarms Scott
with one move, spins and BUTTS Scott in the face with the
hilt of the sword. Scott teeters on the edge of the pyramid.
Knives throws her knives. Gideon's lightning fast sword
deflects them, SHING SHING!
Gideon wheels towards Ramona, expecting her to move. She
looks doubtful, takes a hesitant step towards him. He grins.
GIDEON (CONT'D)
Yeah. You're still my girl.
Ramona steps up to Gideon and whispers in his ear.
RAMONA
Let's both be girls.
Ramona knees Gideon in the balls.
Gideon SWINGS his sword at Ramona. Knives whips off her
scarf, uses it to wrap up Gideon's sword arm and disarms him.
Scott and Knives punch Gideon in the face in a volley of
FREEZE FRAMES.
Knives KICKS Gideon in the stomach and Scott follows with a
PUNCH IN THE NOSE, sending Gideon sliding across the floor.
Gideon gets back to his feet via backflip. He shakes off the
assault and grins.
GIDEON
You made me swallow me gum. That's
going to be in my digestive tract
for seven years!
Gideon throws a series of Wushu moves that give him a POWER
UP - his glasses glow, his HEALTH BAR increases. He makes an
'X' with his fingers and a draws a NEW POWER UP SWORD.
He cuts big arcs at Scott, Knives and Ramona. They barely
dodge him. Scott SPIES his sword and picks it up just in time
to BLOCK Gideon's attack. The swords create an 'X'.
Ramona KICKS. Gideon BLOCKS, knocking her down.
Gideon swings at Scott. Scott ducks. Knives attacks and
scores a hit. Gideon hits her back, dropping her.
SCOTT ATTACKS. They fence. Gideon spins low. Scott leaps in
the air. Gideon spins again and swings upward. Scott blocks
with his sword and is sent UP into the air. Gideon jumps
after him. They CLASH in the air. Scott's sword SHATTERS.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 116A.
99 CONTINUED: (7) 99
Scott lands hard. Gideon lands in front of him and raises his
sword for the kill. Ramona swings Gideon's VELVET ROPE,
cancelling out Gideon's digital sword.
Gideon SLAPS Ramona in the face and sends her painfully
tumbling down the pyramid. She lands painfully at the bottom.
Knives and Scott share a look. They Get up and circle Gideon.
COMBO ATTACK! FREEZE FRAME PUNCHES: Knives kicks and Scott
punches, sending Gideon back and forth like a pinball: KICK
PUNCH KICK PUNCH KICK! Gideon's face smashes with each
impact.
Ramona rises to see Scott and Knives kicking ass.
Scott slides Knives through Gideon's legs. From the floor,
she kicks him in the back of the head, then upends him like a
wheelbarrow and KICKS HIM IN THE FACE, sending him spinning.
Gideon lands HARD on his knees, defeated. One lens of his
glasses cracks. He looks up at the steely eyed Scott.
GIDEON (CONT'D)
Who do you think you are Pilgrim?
You think you're better than me?
I'll tell you what you are. A pain
in my ass. You know how long it
took to get all the evil exes'
contact information so I could form
this stupid league? Like two hours!
Gideon starts to pixellate quite badly. Not long now...
GIDEON (CONT'D)
You're not cool enough for Ramona.
You're zero. You're nothing. Me?
I'm what's hip. I'm what's
happening. I'm blowing up right
now.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 117.
99 CONTINUED: (8) 99
SCOTT
You're right. I'm not cool enough
for Ramona. And you got another
thing right. You are blowing up.
Right now.
Scott spins and BACK HEELS Gideon in the face.
Gideon's head EXPLODES, his glasses SAILING down the steps of
the pyramid. Then his body follows suit in an almighty-
POOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
SHIMMERING COINS rain down. Scott and Knives kiss.
YOUNG NEIL
Whoa...
KIM PINE
There goes our deal.
STEPHEN STILLS
We're still getting paid, right?
Kim points to the falling coins.
KIM PINE
There goes our deal.
YOUNG NEIL
Oh...
Stills jumps off stage and picks up coins.
The coin rain continues, silhouetting Scott and Knives in
their kung fu poses. They share a smile.
RAMONA (O.S.)
You two make a good combo.
Ramona, awake now, makes her way towards them.
SCOTT
Yeah?
RAMONA
Yeah.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 118.
99 CONTINUED: (9) 99
The trio walk down the pyramid steps. Scott picks up Gideon's
fallen glasses.
The glasses GLIMMER. GIDEON'S VOICE echoes.
GIDEON'S VOICE (O.S.)
You can defeat me...but can you
defeat...yourself?
Scott peers into the glimmering lenses, spotting his EVIL
MIRROR IMAGE staring back at him. The glasses dissolve and
Scott whips around to face...
KNIVES CHAU
Negascott!
NEGASCOTT walks towards Scott, Knives and Ramona. Fringed
hair. Dark clothes. Evil face.
Knives and Ramona flank Scott in a fighting stance.
SCOTT
No. This is something I have to
face on my own.
The girls reluctantly exit stage left as Scott walks forward
to confront his dark side.
Scott and Negascott face off. Both take a step forward...
100-103 OMITTED 100-103
104 EXT. THE WAREHOUSE - EVENING 104
Knives and Ramona huddle in the snow outside Chaos Theatre.
They look expectantly at the entrance, worried for Scott.
Then...
Scott strolls out with Negascott. They chat amiably, shake
hands and part ways. Scott approaches Knives and Ramona.
KNIVES CHAU
What happened?
SCOTT
Aw, nothing. We just shot the shit.
He's a super-nice guy. We actually
have a lot in common.
Scott runs his fingers through his hair.
KNIVES CHAU
Your hair.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 118A.
104 CONTINUED: 104
SCOTT
What?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 119.
104 CONTINUED: (2) 104
KNIVES CHAU
It's getting really shaggy.
Scott's HAT appears on his head! He looks totally freked.
SCOTT
Yeah?
KNIVES CHAU
I like it.
Knives removes the hat from Scott's head, literally taking
his guard down. Ramona sees this and smiles.
SCOTT
You do?
Scott smiles, then realizes Ramona has gone. He turns to see
her, pulling her hood up and walking into the darkness.
Scott calls after her. Steps tentatively away from Knives.
SCOTT
Hey... Where are you going?
Ramona, hoping to slip away, stops and turns back.
RAMONA
I dunno. I should probably
disappear.
SCOTT
After all that?
RAMONA
It's hard, you know? I came here to
get away, but the past keeps
catching up. I'm tired of people
getting hurt because of me.
Ramona looks at Knives as she says this.
SCOTT
I think I understand.
Snow begins to fall. Ramona straightens his parka tenderly.
RAMONA
I should tahnk you, though.
SCOTT
For what?
RAMONA
For being the nicest guy I ever
dated.
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 119A.
104 CONTINUED: (3) 104
SCOTT
That's kind of sad.
RAMONA
(ALMOST LAUGHING)
It is kind of sad.
She takes his hand briefly, then lets it drop.
RAMONA
Well... Bye and stuff.
SCOTT
Yeah. And stuff.
She turns to walk off again. Scott watches, then hears-
KNIVES (O.S.)
Go get her.
Surprised, Scott turns back to see a smiling Knives.
SCOTT
Wha?
KNIVES
You earned it. You've been fighting
for her all along.
SCOTT
But what about you?
KNIVES
(totally sweet and sad)
I'll be fine. I'm too cool for you
anyway.
She grins and kisses his cheek.
KNIVES
There's someone out there for me.
We hear a COUGH - Young Neil sidles into frame behind her.
Guitar still in hand.
We hear a 2ND COUGH - Nega Scott also sidles into frame.
Knives doesn't look back, but urges Scott to-
KNIVES
Go talk to her. Before she's gone.
Ramona walks on into the night alone, but then-
SCOTT (O.S.)
Hey... mind if I tag along?
(CONTINUED)
INTEGRATED FINAL 119B.
104 CONTINUED: (4) 104
Ramona is flabbergasted to see a cheery Scott walk alongside.
RAMONA
You want to come with me?
SCOTT
(HOPEFUL)
I thought maybe we could... try
again?
Ramona smiles. She holds out her hand like in the park scene
earlier. Scott takes it.
We see the door with the star on it, standing right in the
middle of the street, snow swirling around it.
Scott and Ramona walk towards the door, sunrise coming up
over Toronto, night magically turning to day, winter turning
to spring.
Over this magical transformation, we hear a lush rendition of
'Ramona' swelling and hear whispers of gossip over Toronto's
cell phone airwaves.
JULIE (V.O.)
Oh my God, can I blow your mind?
Scott Pilgrim totally threw down
with Gideon Graves at the grand
opening of Chaos Theater. Yeah, it
was apparently awesome.
STACEY (V.O.)
Oh my God, it was a HUGE fight. I
mean bananas. My little brother
kicked a guy's head off. Literally.
It was unbelievable. Someone
seriously should have been filming
it.
Scott and Ramona walk through the door. Tilt up to the
heavens and reveal the CONTINUE graphic in the stars.
CONTINUE? 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
|
