Three Men and a Baby
COLINE SERREAU and
JAMES ORR and
THREE MEN AND A BABY
1 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 1
On a chartered plane flying from Miami to Newark Airport.
JACK is the captain. His copilot PAUL is seated beside
him. In the passenger cabin, a female gymnastics team is
celebrating a hard-won, glorious victory over the Miami
team. They are singing, dancing in the aisles and
In the rear of the cabin, there are three regular pass-
engers: a teenager, his mother, and a man who appears to
be a BUSINESSMAN.
The plane is flying over the coastline.
The partition between the cockpit and the passenger cabin
is open. Jack is very excited. He can't stop turning
around to look at the passengers.
Oh my God! I can't believe my
eyes! Look at these women! Will
you look at the gorgeous calves on
them?! I'm telling you, give me
an athlete any day... Oh God!
Look at that redhead over there,
and look at that one! Christ,
I hadn't noticed her.
(miming a heart
Paul, I've just fallen madly in
love with the most beautiful
woman in the world...
Oh yeah? Which one?
(as though about
to keel over)
The blonde over there, she's too
gorgeous for words. Just look at
those eyes, look at those
shoulders and the way she moves.
I'm in love. Here, take over,
I'll be right back.
Jack gets up and Paul takes his place at the controls.
Jack makes his way up the aisle, through the girls who
are blocking the way, to the object of his affections.
She is sitting in one of the aisle seats and singing
her head off. Jack leans over and whispers, quickly and
intensely, to her.
Hello. I'm the captain of this
plane. May I ask your name?
Sure, my name is Jane. Why?
Listen, Jane, I've seen many
beautiful women in my life but I
swear to you, I've never, ever
met a woman as exquisite as you
Jack kneels down before her, and the Girl looks at him,
amused. He takes her hand and places it over his heart.
Jane, can you feel my heart? It's
pounding. This is horrible, I
think I'm gonna faint. Listen: I'm
madly in love with you, I'm single
and here's my phone number.
He hands her his business card.
I'm putting my fate in your hands.
If you don't call me, you'll make
me the most miserable man on earth.
This is no line and I'm not trying
to get you into bed. This is
something completely different. I
love you Jane and if you call me I'll
be the happiest man in the entire
universe -- this is 'love at first
sight.' Out of all these beautiful
women I noticed only you, and...
The Girl laughs as Jack goes on. Meanwhile, the Busi-
nessman who was seated in the rear of the plane has
gotten up and walked over to Jack.
Are you Paul?
No, I'm not.
My name's Jack and I live in a
fabulous apartment in Manhattan
overlooking the park and...
But you're the pilot, aren't you?
Yes, I'm the pilot...
... I'm not even asking for your
Isn't there a pilot whose name is
Yeah, the copilot -- he's up
The Businessman disappears in the direction of the
(back to Jane)
I'm leaving it all up to you,
Jane, but if you do give me
your phone number, then Jane,
The Businessman has reached the cockpit.
(in a low tone)
Are you Paul?
Yeah... Are you Jim?
He hands Paul a man's purse.
Here's your cash.
What about the stuff?
I don't have it. We've got
problems. Too much heat. Too
risky. We think the cops are
on to us.
Whadda ya mean us? You mean me?
I mean shut up and listen. Two
guys will be waiting for you in
a black T-Bird, expecting the
dope. Just ignore them. It'll
be delivered to you on Sunday
and picked up the following
But I won't be home, I'll be in
the air for two weeks.
That's your problem. Make
arrangements, a deal's a deal.
I got her phone number! She gave
me her phone number!
That's some magnificent view,
It's wonderful -- Life is
The Businessman goes back to his seat and Jack grabs
hold of the microphone.
This is your captain speaking. In
honor of your victory, in honor of
your beauty, and in honor of Jane,
the most beautiful gymnast I have
ever met. I'm going to give you a
little demonstration of aviation
gymnastics -- reserved only for the
most important guest, hip, hip...
Everyone shouts "HOORAY!" except for Paul and the
Businessman, who remain grim.
Jack dips the plane very low over the water and skims the
cliffs along the coast. It is a beautiful, impressive
stunt. There are gleeful shouts in the cabin among the
2 INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PASSENGER TERMINAL - DAY 2
Jack is saying an emotional goodbye to Jane as she leaves
with her teammates. Jane finds it all very funny, but
Jack looks totally wretched seeing her go.
Jack and Paul walk toward the exit.
God, what a woman!
Paul is nervous, glancing uneasily from car to car.
Wanna share a cab?
A black Ford pulls up in front of them and its driver
looks at Paul who immediately turns his back on him.
She's so beautiful! I've never
been so in love before. Can you
believe she gave me her phone
number... Oh, Christ -- where is
it?... Oh, no, don't tell me I
lost it... It's a matter of life
and death... Oh here it is --
All the while Jack has been rambling on, a beige car
on the other side of the street has slowed down. Paul
notices it. In the beige car, a narcotics agent, GRATON,
is behind the wheel with one of his colleagues sitting
They're slowing down. Take a
The colleague snaps a picture of everyone who happens to
be standing near the black Ford, including Jack and Paul.
The black Ford pulls out. The beige car follows it.
Paul observes all this out of the corner of his eye.
Listen, I need a favor, I got
a little problem.
Yeah, sure... Hey, look, will you
-- look at that sparkling beauty.
A very beautiful woman is coming down the walkway with
cart overflowing with luggage. One of them falls off.
Yeah... I mean, it's like...
There's this little package...
She'll never make it with all
that luggage she's got. I gotta
give her a hand. Look at the
colors in her hair! Christ, I've
never seen a woman like her
He's about to walk off when Paul grabs him by the arm.
Jack, listen, can I...
Sure you can, no problem...
Listen, I gotta go now, I'm
gonna see if she'll share a cab
with me. You take the shuttle,
But I gotta explain to you
Come over to my place tonight.
We're having a huge party. Come
around 9, okay? See ya later.
Jack races toward the woman and begins to help her
with the fallen luggage. We see him talking to her
and we can hear a little of what he's saying.
As exquisite as you are...
I think I'm gonna faint.
He kneels, takes her hand and puts it over his heart.
The young woman is flabbergasted.
A lonely-looking Paul hails the shuttle bus.
3 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 3
A large, stylishly decorated apartment in Manhattan.
A tremendous living room. A party's going on. Very
LOUD JAZZ is PLAYING. The lights are dim. There are
about 30 guests. Lots of young pretty women. Gourmet
buffet. People are sitting on couches talking, others
are eating, drinking or dancing. In a dimly-lit corner,
Jack is kneeling before a girl sitting in an armchair.
She is laughing as she listens to him.
This is no line and I'm not
trying to get you into bed. This
is something completely different.
This is 'love at first sight.'
Oh, I'm so happy... Let me go get
you a glass of champagne. I'll
be right back.
Jack gets up and goes over to the buffet. As soon as
he's out of the girl's line of sight, he starts running
toward the other end of the apartment. On the way he
passes MICHAEL, who's deeply engrossed in a vehement
conversation about modern art with a girl called SOPHIA.
They're fighting like cats and dogs but seem to be enjoy-
Are you saying that's art, are
you really saying that's art?
Well then you explain why.
It goes back to prehistoric man.
They had comic strips on their
walls, for God's sake.
I'm having a hard time. I'm
working on two at once.
Oh yeah, who?
The brunette in the armchair in
the living room -- her name's
And the other one?
Clementine -- she's waiting for
me in the den.
He moves away towards the den.
Wait one second for me, I'll
be right back.
Michael walks off in the direction of Rosalie.
Paul is wandering among the guests, trying to find Jack,
he sees PETER who is talking with another young woman,
NICOLE. Peter is nodding, idly looking around, com-
pletely uninterested in the conversation.
You guys have a beautiful place
here. But the rent must be a
Peter isn't paying attention.
Isn't it a killer?
Oh, the rent... yeah, it's high
but split between the three of
us it isn't that bad, as long
as we don't eat.
Hi Peter, I'm looking for Jack,
have you seen him?
Oh hi, Paul, how are you doing?
Yeah, sure, I'll take you to
Excuse me for a minute.
They move away.
You're a lifesaver, I've been
trying to get away from that woman
for 20 minutes. That sonofabitch
Carl is moving in on my Natalie.
Gotta go... bye.
Wait -- What about Jack?
(in a hurry)
He's around somewhere. Check
under all the couches.
Paul walks off in Jack's direction. We STAY WITH Peter,
who reaches Natalie. She is talking with a very styl-
ishly-dressed, tall, young man, CARL.
Oh Natalie, I've been looking
for you all night.
All night? I just saw you deep
in conversation with Nicole!
Deep? Hell no, we were just
Oh come on Peter, we all know
what a ladies' man you are.
Who, me? Jack's the ladies' man,
not me. You're the only lady I'm
So tell me, how's your project
coming along? I heard you're not
We've still got two weeks left
before the semi-finals. We'll
We've been ready for three days
now. We're gonna kick your ass.
Their project is really incredible.
Oh really? You've seen it?
No, it's top secret but he's been
telling me about it...
(in a bad mood)
Ours is incredible too.
If you ever get it finished.
Paul comes up to Jack, who is kneeling before Clementine,
whispering passionate sweet nothings in her ear. It
appears he's gotten beyond the "This is love at first
sight" stage. He's getting down to the nitty-gritty
now. Clementine is thrilled. Paul taps Jack on the
Jack, can I talk to you for a
Oh, hi, Paul, yeah sure...
... Please darling, don't move...
I'll be right back, okay? I'll
bring us back some champagne...
He disappears with Paul.
You're a lifesaver, Paul. I
thought I'd never get away.
Rosalie's waiting for me in the
living room. Isn't she
Oh yeah, for sure, I dunno.
Listen, can you do me a favor?
With some difficulty, Paul follows Jack as he picks his
way through the people dancing, heading in Rosalie's
Yeah... What kind of favor?
Damn, I've got to get her
a glass of champagne.
Listen, I've got a little problem.
I'm having a valuable package
delivered to me on Sunday, but I'm
not going to be home. I've got to
do the Hawaii-Tahiti-Australia
route, so can I have the package
delivered here instead?
(filling a glass
Yeah, sure, of course.
No, wait, I'm leaving for South
America tomorrow. I'll be gone
for three weeks.
But it's okay. Peter and Michael
will be here. They'll take care
Will you be sure to tell them
Absolutely. Don't worry about
It'll be delivered Sunday and
picked up next Thursday, okay?
Delivered Sunday picked up
Thursday. Got it. No problem.
This is a very delicate matter,
Jack. It's very important they
don't tell anybody about this
package. It could be very... uh,
embarrassing for me, you know
what I'm saying?
Sure. You got it. I'll see you
Jack is about to rejoin Rosalie. Paul grabs his arm.
Not to anyone at all. Tell
them that, okay?
Okay, sure, not to anyone at
all... Look, I'm sorry Paul, but
I gotta get back to Rosalie. Now
go have a good time. I'll take
care of everything.
Bye and thanks a lot.
Don't mention it.
Jack finally reaches the armchair where Rosalie is
sitting. He stops short, obviously disappointed.
Uh-oh. Too late.
Michael is sitting next to Rosalie, right next to her.
They get up to dance. As he passes Jack, Michael
All's fair, old buddy...
Jack watches a moment, then breaks into a wide smile.
Oh my darling, oh my darling,
oh my darling Clementine.
Jack whirls around and heads back towards Clementine.
4 INT. APARTMENT - FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT 4
The guests are leaving. Commotion in the hall, people
are saying goodbye to Peter and Michael.
Natalie is about to walk out.
Natalie, why don't you stay for a
No, I've gotta get up early...
Do you care to share a cab?
Oh yes, thanks -- that's really
nice of you...
Good night, Peter.
(with a forced
Good night, Carl... I'll call
you Sunday, Natalie.
She has already left. The door closes on the last of the
So you struck out again with
Natalie, huh? That Carl is a
real smooth operator.
He's an asshole!
'I heard you're not ready yet.'
'We're gonna kick your ass.' Well,
we may be behind schedule, but
we're still going to beat that
sonofabitch and maybe I haven't
scored with Natalie yet, but
neither has he. She's not an easy
lay, that's what I like about her.
You know what they say: it ain't
over till it's over.
Peter and Michael go into the living room. Peter is
picking up glasses. Michael is emptying ashtrays into
Well, I didn't do so well either
-- I blew it with Rosalie. I
don't even know how...
That beauty I managed to swipe
from Jack. I was about to ask
her to stay the night when...
Your old friend Sophia appeared
and got you involved in a thrilling
conversation about modern art,
and meanwhile Rosalie...
How could you know that?
Michael, all you want to do is
steal Jack's girl friends. You
don't give a shit about the women
That's not true. It's just that
Sophia drives me crazy. She knows
all the right buttons to push to
make me mad.
(going into the
Anyway, it was a great party,
everyone had a good time...
(still in the living
room, shouting to
He, too, leaves the living room and runs into Jack, who
has his arm around Clementine's waist as he heads toward
his bedroom with her.
5 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 5
In the kitchen Peter is straightening up. Michael joins
him, dumping the ashes. Peter begins washing the glasses.
Where's Jack? Did he leave?
No, he's cuddling up with a blonde
That's not Clementine. I saw him
doing his famous routine with
No, it is Clementine, the one with
the tits this big...
Christie's got tits that big,
Yeah, but he was with Christie at
the beginning of the evening --
after that he was with Rosalie
and then with Clementine. And
since I stole Rosalie away from
him... Are you following this?
Jack enters the kitchen in very high spirits, singing.
Nice work if you can get it, and
you can get it if you try... Any
Yeah, here, I just put it away.
Sorry I can't give you guys a
hand, but I've got something
I thought you were leaving at
dawn for South America?
I am, the night's still young!...
It's gonna be a lively one. I'm
gonna make us a little snack.
He makes up a tray with sandwiches.
So, who is it anyway -- Christie
Maxine. Beautiful, enchanting
Peter and Michael look at one another surprised, mouthing
Hey, Michael -- how'd it go with
Well, things were going great
Your old friend Sophia appeared
and dragged you into a thrilling
conversation about modern art and
in the meantime Rosalie took off
with someone else.
How did you know?
I dunno -- lucky guess...
Well, I don't give a damn anyway,
I have 24 drawings to hand in to
my editor three days from now and
I gotta work all night anyway...
So it was all for the best. But
you better not leave that Maxine's
phone number lying around because
when I'm done...
Don't worry, I'll leave you her
phone number on the hall table.
If she's really terrific I'll put
a big 'X' next to it. 'Bye, guys
-- love ya. I won't wake you
tomorrow morning. See you in
6 INT. APARTMENT - DAWN 6
Jack and Maxine noiselessly exit the apartment. Jack is
wearing his pilot's uniform. Maxine pushes the button
for the elevator. Jack sneaks back into the apartment
and leaves a note on the hall table that says: "Maxine
227-2013." Next to the number Jack has put a big "X."
7 EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF APARTMENT - DAWN 7
Jack and Maxine exchange a brief kiss and go their
8 EXT./INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PLANE 8
Jack is in the cockpit with his copilot, RON. The
ENGINES are REVVING. Jack is checking gauges. He looks
out the window idly and sees:
The crew of another plane walking across the tarmac.
Paul is one of the crew. Paul sees Jack and begins to
gesture wildly, but his voice is drowned out by the noise
of the ENGINES.
Just seeing Paul is enough to remind Jack about his
Damn! I forgot to tell them about
I gotta make a quick phone call.
I'll be right back.
Jack, there'll be plenty of girls
where we're going.
Oh, c'mon, I've really got to
make a phone call! What do you
think I'm going to do, pick up
one of the New Jersey delegates
to the I.B.M. convention?
Jack walks back towards the phone. As he walks we see
that the plane is filled with ugly, boring businessmen.
9 INT. ARCHITECTURE OFFICE - DAY 9
In the architecture firm of which Peter is one of three
partners. The whole staff, about 15 people in all, is
gathered around a large model, the project for a big
amusement park. They all seem worried about something.
JERRY, one of Peter's partners, seems particularly angry.
The model's not finished, the
blueprints are a mess and you may
as well forget the specs, they're
a disaster! I know we're talented.
I know we're good. Then why is it
we can never get organized? Why
is it we're always behind schedule?
Look, Jerry, architects since
Leonardo have always been behind
schedule. It's a tradition, for
God's sake. Why break with
Because this is the chance of a
lifetime for our company, and
there happens to be a deadline.
There are millions of dollars
at stake here. And our main
competition had their project in
three days ago!
Yeah, but word around town is
their project's a piece of
Of course, it's a piece of shit,
but it's a ready piece of shit.
We're just going to have to buckle
down, that's all.
You're damn right we are. Starting
now, everybody works around the
clock! Everybody! We have two
weeks to be ready for the semi-
final selection. And we will be
ready. And we will win. You want
to know why we'll win?
Because we're gonna cheat.
I'll go bribe the judges!
I don't think this is a joking
Come on, Jerry...
A SECRETARY enters.
There's an urgent call for you,
I'm not in.
It's Jack -- he says it's 'super
Peter picks up the phone.
Hi... yeah... listen, make it
quick, I'm in a meeting here...
yeah, a package... okay...
someone'll drop it off Sunday
and pick it up Thursday...
No problem ... yeah... we'll
put it aside, okay... no, no,
we won't tell anybody about it...
Is that it?... Right, we won't
tell anyone... Hey -- love 'n'
kisses to the Brazilian girls,
vaya con dios, old buddy.
Peter hangs up, laughing. Jerry gives him a dirty look.
10 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 10
Peter, dressed in casual clothes, knocks on the door of
Michael's room, and peeks in.
Michael is asleep fully clothed on his bed. His drawing
table is strewn with papers, overflowing ashtrays and
empty coffee cups. The lamp is still on.
I'm going out for bagels -- how
many you want, three or four?
(opening one eye)
What time is it?
A.M. or P.M.?
A.M. C'mon, up 'n' at 'em.
Up 'n' at 'em yourself, asshole
-- I just went to bed.
Did you finish?
Nah, I didn't get anywhere.
Well then... nap time's over.
Back to work. So how many bagels,
three or four?
He buries his head under the pillow.
11 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY 11
Peter opens the front door, he stumbles over an object,
looks down; at his feet he sees a wicker basket lined
with pretty pink-and-white checked gingham. In the
basket a tiny baby lies fast asleep, her head gently
resting on a lace pillow. Peter looks at this object
in amazement. There is an envelope pinned to the basket
with the words, "FOR JACK" written on it. Peter picks up
the letter -- he opens it and reads.
You gotta be kidding!
Abruptly he turns and races back to Michael's room.
Get your ass out here and see
what's on the doorstep.
This has gotta be somebody's idea
of a joke!
They run to the front door.
What is it?
Look for yourself.
It's a basket with a baby in it.
(reads Michael the
'Dearest Jack, here is the fruit
of our love. Take good care of
her. I have to go to Europe and
Japan for six months, her name is
Mary. Good luck, Love, Sylvia.'
What are we going to do with it?
Give it back to her mother, that's
But it says she went to Europe.
Well, we'll see about that, d'you
have her phone number?
Whose phone number?
The girl's... Sylvia's...
Why the hell would I have her
number? I've never even heard
of this chick!
You mean you don't know who she
No way. If I had to keep track
of all Jack's girlfriends, I'd
have to be a full-time secretary.
Well, what are we gonna do?
Hey, look, she's waking up...
Hey, look, she's crying...
Oh no, this can't be happening!
She's not gonna start to cry now?!
Uh-oh, now she's really crying!
What's her problem?
Maybe she's hungry?
Well, what are we s'posed to do?
Feed her, I guess...
Yeah, but what?
Soft stuff... I guess.
Oh no, I swear to God this is
unreal! Can you believe that
bastard Jack?! 'A little package,'
he tells me on the phone, 'just
put it aside till Thursday.' Put
it aside -- can you believe him!?
Really? Jack said that?
Yeah and he also said 'don't tell
anyone about it -- anyone at all.'
Oh, so he told you about this?
Yeah, he told me a package would
be coming today, but he didn't
say it'd be this!
Boy, he's got a helluva nerve!
Just listen to the racket she's
making! What are we s'posed to
Let's call Jack's mother!
She lives in Miami for Christsake.
She can't stop the baby crying
Well, just to ask her advice...
No, he said not to tell anyone...
But this is an emergency!
No! No way! You know what a pain
that woman is -- she'll be on the
next plane here to move in with
Maybe I should call my mother...
No, please -- leave the mothers
out of this, okay?! It's only
four days. We should be able to
handle that, besides you know
the rule around here: it's fine
to have a woman over once in a
Michael finishes the sentence in unison with him.
PETER AND MICHAEL
... never for more than one night
at a time!
And that includes mothers!
Peter steps over the basket and heads towards the
Where are you going?!
I'm going to the store to buy
some baby food.
What am I supposed to do while
Pick her up and hold her.
Whaddya mean, pick her up? I've
never held a baby -- I'll drop
Peter is already gone.
12 INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 12
Peter enters the store and rushes right over to a store
What aisle's baby food on?
Down there by the meat section.
Peter heads for it purposefully. When he gets to the
right aisle, he stops short, taken aback: a vast range
of products extends before him. He starts examining the
baby food jars and cans of formulas, going from one to
the next, not knowing where to begin.
13 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 13
Michael is still in the hall holding Mary very clumsily
in his arms. He is anxious. He realizes she's soaked.
This disgusts him. He holds her at arm's length; she
squirms. He goes and gets a towel from the bathroom,
spreads it out on the living room couch and lays the
baby down on it. MARY SCREAMS -- she much prefers
Michael's arms to the couch. A panicky Michael picks her
up again, grumbling.
Okay, okay, don't cry like that...
I'll hold you, I'll hold you.
He tries rather unsuccessfully to wrap the towel around
the child. Obviously Michael is very put off by the
smell coming from Mary.
14 INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 14
Peter is talking with a Safeway CLERK, a woman in her
50's, who is tall and heavy, somewhat gruff and masculine
in appearance, and wearing slacks and a smock.
So what's the best brand?
Depends on what your pediatrician
Oh right, the pediatrician...
But which one sells the most?
(pointing to a
Oh, so this is the best kind?
It's the cheapest.
Then it's the worst kind?
They're all good, sir.
(pointing to another
Oh, okay, then I can take this
It's got iron in it.
Oh. Is that good or bad?
It's very good.
Well, why don't they all have
iron in them?
Some babies are allergic to iron.
(pointing to yet
Oh, okay, well I'll take this
That kind doesn't have any milk
Oh, I see, there's milk with no
milk in it?
Some babies are allergic to milk.
So what's the stuff that no
babies are allergic to?
Oh, okay, I'll take the soy formula.
He takes a can.
That one's Advance.
Oh really? What's Advance?
How old's your baby?
(Peter tries to
Uh... about this old.
15 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 15
MARY is SCREAMING in Michael's arms as he walks her up
and down the whole apartment. Now there are three towels
wrapped around her. Michael is exasperated. He angrily
sings her a lullaby.
Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top...
Stop crying now; c'mon, stop...
quit it, will you?... When the wind
blows, the cradle will rock...
What is that jerk doing? Milking
the cows or something?... When
the bough breaks the cradle will
MARY only SCREAMS LOUDER.
16 INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 16
Now Peter is surrounded by three women arguing: The
Store Clerk standing with her arms crossed and haughtily
looking down on everyone; an efficient, practical sort
of young woman (WOMAN #1); and another thin, pale woman
whose baby is lying in a baby carrier in her shopping
cart and who seems very nervous (WOMAN #2).
Does she have any teeth yet or
not? That would give us a clue
as to how old she is.
I haven't looked.
ing; to Woman #1)
My grandson's only five months old
and he already has two teeth.
But my daughter didn't have a
single one at seven months -- so,
y'know, how many teeth they have...
doesn't mean a thing.
But didn't those friends of yours
tell you what formula they usually
give the baby?
No, actually they had to leave
unexpectedly. They had to catch
Is she teething?
Does she drool? Does she cry all
night long? Does she chew on her
fists? Does she put everything
into her mouth?
She acts out her words.
I know she can't talk.
But didn't those friends of
yours tell you how old she was?
(as Woman #2 is
starting to get on
I told you they had to leave
Or else you could weigh her; that
would tell you how old she is.
See, my five-month-old grandson
weighs more than my neighbor's
grandson and he's nine months old.
So, y'know, how much they weigh...
doesn't mean a thing.
So what about me? What should I
Didn't they even tell you the
No. They didn't.
You sure have weird friends.
You have no idea how weird.
Or else her hair. Does she have
lots of hair?
My grandson, y'know, he has so
much hair you can make a ponytail
with it! And I know some kids
who are totally bald at a year-
and-a-half. So, y'know, how much
hair they have... doesn't mean a
Gee, he's really something, your
grandson -- is he good at math
Peter starts to pick cans off the shelf.
Look, ladies, thanks for all the
advice. But I think I'll just
take one of each. To be on the
Don't forget -- if the baby's
less than three months old, you
have to be sure to sterilize the
Peter stops and turns back.
You know what? This must be a
17 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 17
Michael is rapidly pacing up and down the apartment,
vigorously rocking Mary. As soon as he sits down
anywhere to rest, MARY SCREAMS, so Michael pops back
up and begins the marathon all over again.
Mary had a little lamb, little
lamb, little lamb, if that jerk
isn't back in three seconds I
swear I'll throw her down the
garbage chute... Mary had a
little lamb, little lamb...
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Well, it's about goddamn time!
He hurries towards the door, grabs the knob and throws it
Where the hell have you been?
He stops. Before him stands the apartment MANAGER, Mrs.
Razzolini, a squat little woman with a moustache.
Oh -- Hi, Mrs. Razzolini!
This package came for you...
Oh! What a cute little baby!
Is it yours?
No, it's not me, I mean she's
Oh, so it's Peter's?
No, no, it's Jack's, I mean it's
not Jack's, it's... someone loaned
it to us, I mean someone...
And what's the little girl's name?
Ooh, what a pwetty wittle name,
Mary! I didn't know you had a
Yeah, well, I have to put her to
You have to put her to bed? Where's
She's... she's not here. She'll
be back soon.
Michael starts to close the door. She pushes it back
open and holds out the package.
Oh here, this just came for you.
They just dropped it off. Can
I hold her for a second?
Well, like, y'see... she doesn't
like to be held by strangers...
The apartment Manager has already given Michael the
package and grabbed Mary. She covers her with kisses.
Mary smiles. Michael absent-mindedly looks at the
She loves to be held by strangers!
Hey, she's soaking wet hmm, no
I think it's number 2. Want me
to give you a hand changing her?
Oh no, don't worry, I'm used
(faking a smile)
Well, so long, Mrs. Razzolini.
'Bye, Mary, I'll come back to
Mrs. Razzolini regretfully hands the baby back. No
sooner is MARY back in Michael's arms than she SCREAMS
her head off.
He closes the door; his smile instantly fades.
What a leech! And that other
idiot isn't back yet!
He throws the package onto an armchair in the hall.
So you love to be held by
strangers, do you?
18 INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 18
In the baby food aisle there are now five women arguing.
Peter, his arms still laden with cans, looks uncomfort-
This guy doesn't even know how old
his baby is and you don't find
This guy asked for advice, I'm
giving him advice, Okay? If you're
so paranoid, why don't you run
home and chain your kid to his
Anyway, I think someone should call
The cops, the cops -- I bet you
call the cops every time your
cat pisses on the carpet.
Peter slips away.
19 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 19
Peter comes in with bags in his arms.
Michael, holding the baby, dashes toward him, extremely
What the hell were you doing?
You've been gone for hours! This
damn kid's been crying the whole
time. I've got a lot better
things to do with my time! You're
a real pain in the ass!
Hey, how dare you speak to me like
that! You've never spoken to me
like that before...
Well, what the hell took you so
long? What'd you do, go out for
breakfast or something? I didn't
even have time for a cup of
coffee, for chrissakes.
Will you please cut it out for a
second, huh? I didn't have any
coffee either, it took me forever
at the goddamn Safeway.
Okay, well, here -- take the kid,
I've got work to do.
Whaddaya mean, take the kid? I
can't hold her and make her bottle
at the same time. And why should
I be the one to hold her?
'Cause, it's your problem. You
found this kid.
Hey, asshole, I'm the one who found
her because I'm the one who was
gonna get you some bagels for
your breakfast, and...
Jesus, there she goes again! We
gotta feed her something.
Yeah, well you just don't feed a
baby. First you gotta look and
see if she has any teeth or not.
To figure out how old she is so
we know what to feed her, that's
Peter attempts to look into Mary's mouth but she squirms.
Do you look on top or bottom?
How do I know?
Try feeling with your finger.
Peter slides his finger over Mary's gums.
I can't feel anything -- I'll
give her the stuff for newborns
and hope she's not allergic to
Peter starts off toward the kitchen, Michael follows.
And then we'll have to see if
she's allergic to iron, to soy
or to milk -- you can't imagine
how much stuff they can be
She's soaking wet -- did you buy
Figures. I'll take care of
this, it'll save time.
He sticks Mary in Peter's arms, right on top of the bags,
and storms out.
19A INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 19A
Michael rushes in and stops short in front of the moun-
tains of diaper boxes that he starts examining in bewil-
derment. Finally, he approaches the Store Clerk.
Excuse me, miss, could you tell
me which diapers are the most
I would suggest the ones that say
Yeah, but which are better: 20-35
pounds or 12-24 pounds?
Depends how much your baby weighs.
Oh right, how much she weighs...
You wouldn't happen to have a
friend who came in here a little
while ago, would you?
Michael grabs just any box of diapers.
I have no idea what you're talking
about! He's no friend of mine.
Michael takes off very, very quickly.
20 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 20
Mary, in Peter's arms, is devouring her bottle.
Oh shit, my slacks! Goddamn
her, she took a crap!
21 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY 21
Peter and Michael have laid Mary down on the couch,
taking care to place several towels between her bottom
and the immaculate velvet. Mary is squirming, laughing,
feeling great. They have already gone through half
a box of cotton in their attempts to clean up the
crap. But it's still all over, on their hands, on the
baby's feet and legs, on the towels, etc.
Hold her. Hold her, goddamn it!
I can't hold her. This kid's
out of control here!
Just gimme the cotton.
Michael lets go of Mary's feet and she sticks them back
in the crap.
Oh for chrissake, don't just let
go of her!
Then get the cotton yourself
if you don't want me to let
go of her!
Peter grabs a huge wad of cotton.
Take the towels off -- They're
full of shit.
But the couch'll get dirty!
Yeah, but she keeps getting it all
over herself. Man, this shit is
sticky!... We need cleaning fluid
or something to get it off...
How 'bout after-shave?
Are you kidding?! Waste our Saint
Laurent on babyshit?
Okay, let's just put the diaper
on and the hell with it.
Michael hands him a diaper. Peter tries to figure out
how it goes on.
These tape things -- do they
go on the front or the back?
How am I supposed to know...?
Peter tries to slide the diaper under Mary's backside
but she squirms and kicks it off with her feet.
Hold her under her arms -- I'm
gonna try it this way.
Michael holds Mary under her armpits. Peter tries to put
the diaper on her. It's hard. What's more, it would
seem that Michael didn't buy the right size -- The
diaper comes all the way up to Mary's chin.
What the hell kind of lousy
stinking diapers did you get?
They're way too big!
I don't think they're too big --
They're ultra-absorbent. That's
all. The more absorbent the
Peter has more or less managed to adjust the diaper.
How the hell do these tape
things work? Hold her for
My arms are getting tired.
There. I got it.
He tapes the diaper closed.
Damn it. I didn't make it tight
He tapes the other side: the diaper gapes and sags.
It's not working... What about
laying her down?
Go ahead... No, not on the towels,
they're all covered with crap...
Michael lays Mary down right on the couch. Peter vigor-
ously undoes the tape, and the whole PLASTIC lining RIPS
... What the hell is this friggin'
mess? Oh, man, this is
unbelievable! To think, they
bombard us day and night with
their goddamn TV commercials! And
will you look at this junk? This
stuff is pure shit -- You tape it
closed, it sags, you undo the tape:
bingo -- the whole goddamn thing
(taking another diaper)
Well, whaddya expect, if you pull
on it like an ape, it's gonna rip!
Michael, will you give me a break,
will you please?
Peter takes the torn diaper off. MARY utters a TINY CRY
and pees copiously all over the velvet couch.
Oh shit! Now she's pissing. Look
at the couch. The sneaky little
bitch was just waiting for me to
get the diaper off, then whammo...
Mary gives them a big smile.
I happen to like my furniture.
I'm going out to get some real
diapers. You can clean the couch
up in the meantime.
He exits, slamming the door.
22 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 22
Michael is cleaning the couch with Mary in his arms.
23 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 23
Mary is wearing only a diaper. Peter wraps her in one
of his sweaters.
24 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 24
Michael is throwing a heap of used cotton and dirty
diapers into the garbage can. He's rather disgusted by
25 INT. LVING ROOM - DAY 25
Peter is cutting apart a plastic bag and lining the
bottom of the basket with it as a protective sheet.
26 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 26
Michael is washing out a bottle.
27 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 27
Peter is rocking the basket by its handles to put Mary
28 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 28
Michael is washing Mary's clothes.
29 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 29
(on the phone)
I need to reach Jack Collins, he's
one of your pilots... No, I don't
know exactly where he is, but he
was supposed to be flying the
Miami-Caracas-Rio route... The guy
who proposed to you?... Oh, did
he?... Well, congratulations.
Please... listen to me... you
must contact him and tell him he's
got to call home immediately.
Okay? It's an emergency, a
family problem... No, don't worry,
he's not married to someone else.
It's another kind of family
problem... Of course he still
loves you. But he's been really
busy lately. So anyway, please
try to get in touch with him, it's
real important... I can count on
you then?... Good. Thanks.
Goodbye!... Right, see you at the
Peter hangs up.
30 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 30
Michael and Peter are finally drinking a cup of coffee
at the kitchen table. In silence.
31 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 31
Peter and Michael are standing beside the basket. MARY
is SCREAMING; they are bewildered.
Maybe she's allergic to something?
Or maybe she's hungry again.
32 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 32
Peter is making the bottle, Michael is holding MARY, who
Make it snappy, will ya, she's
33 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 33
Mary is in Peter's arms voraciously sucking her bottle.
He watches her.
34 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 34
Michael is washing out the bottle.
35 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 35
Peter is about to lay Mary down in her bed. He puts his
hand on her backside, then picks her up again.
Oh shit, she's soaking wet again.
36 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 36
Michael is rinsing out Peter's sweater.
37 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 37
On the couch, Peter is struggling with the diapers.
38 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 38
Michael has set the basket on a serving cart. He pushes
it back and forth until MARY STOPS CRYING.
39 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 39
Mary is sleeping like an angel.
40 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DUSK 40
Michael and Peter are in the doorway. A stormy argument
is going on.
Oh no you're not, you're not gonna
leave me alone with her.
I told you -- I have a date.
You rotten bastard -- do you see
me going out on any dates?
Look, it's with Natalie -- I've
been after her for months already.
So what! If you leave me alone
with this kid, I swear I'll pack
up and be outta here by morning.
You're a real drag, y'know?
Tonight was gonna be my big night!
Now I bet it's gonna be Carl's big
He exits, violently slamming the door behind him.
Michael sits back down, grumbling.
44 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DUSK 44
Peter is making a phone call. He has Mary in his arms.
He's in a foul mood.
Hello, Natalie? It's Peter.
Listen, I'm really screwed. Jerry
just called and we've run into a
snag with the blueprints for the
competition, it's an emergency.
I've gotta go over to the office
right away, I think it's gonna be
an all-nighter... Of course I
didn't know about this yesterday --
he just called me.
Mary reaches out and begins to jab the buttons on the
phone. Peter pulls her back.
Hello? Hello?... No, I'm not
trying to hang up on you. We're
having some problems with the
phone, that's all... No, Natalie,
there's no one else here! You're
the only woman I... I swear I'm
not lying to you... What? You're
going to call Carl?
Okay, go ahead, call him if you
want. I don't give a shit... Of
course I'm not jealous. What
makes you think I'm jealous?
45 INT. KITCHEN - EVENING 45
Peter and Michael are silently eating sandwiches at a
corner of the kitchen table. Peter is fuming. Michael
glances at him out of the corner of his eye.
46 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 46
Michael, completely zonked, is changing Mary as best he
can. Peter sits, waiting, on the couch.
47 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 47
Peter is rocking the basket, as if in a trance. Michael
goes back to sleep on the couch.
48 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 48
Peter is talking on the phone. He has Mary in his arms.
(on the phone)
Jerry, hi, it's Peter. Listen,
I've run into some problems, I
can't make it today...
(holding the receiver
at arm's length from
... Hey, take it easy, will you...
I'm sick. Seriously ill. I'm
burning up... The doctor had to
come, I've gotta stay in bed till
(shouting to drown
out Jerry shouting)
Hey, hey, hey, I'll work round the
clock all weekend long... I swear,
Jerry, I am not lying to you...
49 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 49
Peter, wearing a coat, enters carrying packages that he
puts down in the living room, now transformed into a
nursery. A makeshift changing table, rubber wash basin,
baby clothes, baby lotion, talcum powder, soap and baby
shampoo, etc. are all over the place. He drops all his
purchases on the floor, sits down on the couch and picks
up a book, in which he's instantly absorbed: we see from
the cover that it's a book on children.
50 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 50
Peter is lying on his bed now surrounded by dozens of
baby-care books. Many of which are open. He's reading
them with great passion, and making notes.
51 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 51
Michael is sitting on the floor surrounded by his
drawings. Mary is lying next to him.
(on the phone)
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Oxman,
but I've run into a few problems,
I won't be able to bring you the
drawings tomorrow morning as I
promised. In fact, it won't be
until the day after tomorrow at
Michael sees Mary kick over a bottle of india ink over
his drawings. He winces.
On second thought, Mr. Oxman...
uh, better make that the end of
(shouting on the
Please don't get upset, Mr. Oxman.
I'll do everything possible to
get them to you sooner... You have
my word... I apologize again,
Mr. Oxman... Thank you again,
Mr. Oxman. Goodb...
... Mr. Oxman? Hello, Mr. Oxman?
52 INT. LIVING ROOM - DUSK 52
The living room is a total mess. A harrassed Peter,
lying on the floor, dreamily watches Mary who is lying
on her tummy in a sheet, playing with a SQUEAKY RUBBER
GIRAFFE. They look at each other, as sober as judges.
53 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 53
Peter and Michael are asleep in their bathrobes on the
living room couches.
Peter has a child care book over his face. MARY, in her
basket, wakes up and utters a FEW LITTLE NOISES. The
two men jump up and go over to her basket like robots.
Mary looks at them and smiles.
54 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 54
Michael is giving her night feeding. Mary is falling
asleep in his arms; the nipple falls out of her mouth,
which goes on sucking anyway. Michael is falling asleep,
too, his head lolling over to one side.
55 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 55
The living room is back to normal, spic 'n' span.
They've gotten rid of all the baby paraphernalia. The
basket is on one of the couches. Mary is asleep.
On the basket are warm clothes for outdoors, a bonnet and
a coat, a full bottle, cans of formula, toilet articles,
and a pile of diapers.
Seated on the couches facing each other, Peter and
Michael are waiting for something.
He didn't say what time?
All he said was Thursday.
Terrific! -- We could rot here
till eight o'clock tonight.
Well, I'm prepared to rot here
till midnight if I have to, as
long as we get rid of her.
Jack really could have called. He
has to have gotten our message by
Well, when he does call, I'm gonna
let him have it! That sonofabitch
is on the beaches of Brazil
proposing to the whole goddamn
world. And we're here living in
hell! He's gonna get his ass on
the next plane back here.
Vacation's over, Jack-baby, you
better believe it.
It's almost time for her bottle,
56 EXT. STREET - DAY 56
On the street two men drive by on a motorcycle looking at
the numbers on the apartment buildings. They stop a few
yards from the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack's
They are being followed by the beige Chevy that pulls
ahead of them and parks just beyond them. In this car
we recognize Graton sitting with a partner.
The two men, who look like young tough guys (punks), get
off their motorcycle and disappear into the lobby of the
Graton gets out of his car and heads for the building.
He glances into the lobby, then goes in. He watches the
elevator floor indicator, notes the floor it stops on,
then calmly returns to his car.
57 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 57
Peter and Michael are still sitting on the living room
couches. The DOORBELL RINGS. Michael springs up and
runs to open the door. Peter follows him.
On the doorstep stand the TWO PUNKS. One of them is
short and speaks with a heavy Brooklyn accent. The
other, tall, thin and creepy-looking, stands behind his
buddy and doesn't speak.
Jack Collins live here?
Yes, he does.
We came for the package.
Package? Oh that's cute,
referring to her as a package!
Anyway, you can tell Sylvia she's
a lousy stinking bitch.
Yeah, Sylvia! You can tell her
she's got a hell of a nerve
dumping her problems into our
Problems? Did you guys have
He wants to know if we had trouble!
Do you have any idea what it's
been like around here for the
past four days?
She could have at least given us
a phone number or the name of
someone to contact...
I don't get it. Didn't they tell
you we were gonna be here today?
Sure they told us! So what?
That doesn't make the last four
days any less hellish than they
Well, anyway, they're here now,
that's all that matters!
Peter turns and walks toward the basket.
The next bottle's in 45 minutes.
I made it already. It's in the
Bottle? Whadda ya mean, bottle?
About an hour after her bottle,
she starts yawning. Put her to
bed right away or it's pure hell
for the next three hours, at least
that's what we've noticed.
Peter has returned with the basket. The Punks look at
the baby, their eyes wide with disbelief.
What the hell is that? A baby?
No, it's a very short teenager.
Of course it's a baby! Now listen
carefully: I'm giving you a can
of the milk she's been getting.
She loves it, and more importantly,
she's not allergic to it. I even
put a can of the same brand in
here for you, but in powdered form,
Punk #1 hears "powder" and catches on.
Oh! I get it! Powdered milk!
Yeah, right... real clever...
Okay, here. She's all yours.
He hands them the basket. Punk #1 grabs the handles.
Okay, I got it. You can take her
Take what out? I'm not taking
Wait a minute, I don't get it!
We take the basket and the milk,
that's all. We ain't gonna take
the... what's inside.
Whadda ya mean, what's inside?
You take it all, man! It's a
But what are we s'posed to do
How do I know? You take it
where they told you to take it.
Y'mean, I take it to the
Yeah, whatever you want to call
Are you sure that's the plan?
You bet that's the plan! We're
not keeping her one more second.
Okay, if that's the plan...
He passes the basket to Punk #2
... Here, hold this. Okay, so
They start to leave, pressing the elevator button.
(suddenly a little
Uh... listen... maybe you could
leave us the address or the phone
number just in case. So we can
find out how she's doing?
The Punks exchange a puzzled glance.
Oh, yeah, sure, the address.
Oh shit, I don't have it on me...
But I'll call you. Okay, so long!
PETER & MICHAEL
The elevator has arrived. The Punks quickly slip inside
it with the basket.
Michael closes the door.
Peter plops down in the armchair by the front door.
Aah, relief at last! Good riddance!
You said it! Now maybe I can get
some work done.
He disappears in the direction of his room.
Peter is sitting on something hard. He pulls it out from
under him, it's a package. He looks at it, casually
reading: "Care of Jack Collins." He tosses it to the
side. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He leaps up, grabs
the package and runs into Michael's room.
58 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 58
(holding the package)
What the hell is this?
Well, a package, I guess.
Was this package delivered to
Peter raises his voice, exasperated by Michael's calm
When the hell did this package
Will you quit shouting!
When did this fucking package
fucking arrive, Michael?
I don't know... Oh yeah, Sunday --
Mrs. Razzolini brought it up...
What's the matter?
This is the package those guys
came for, not the baby, you
Hey, asshole yourself!... Oh shit!
Peter nods and begins to bark orders.
Look out the window and see if
you see them, I'm gonna try to
catch up with them...
Michael runs to the window.
Peter runs like a madman through the apartment out the
front door. He presses the button for the elevator.
It's in use.
He opens the door leading to the stairs and races down
them, holding on to the bannister. He flies, overwhelmed
by anxiety. Suddenly he trips, loses his balance and
makes a spectacular crash landing. The package gets a
bit crushed, and little individual packets of white powder
spill out of it. Peter stares at them in horror.
What the hell is this?
He picks up a few packets and examines them.
Oh, God, no... dope! That's all
He starts to tremble with fear. He picks the packets up
as fast as he can and hastily puts them back into what's
left of the package; then shoves it all into his pocket
and continues racing down the stairs.
59 EXT. STREET - DAY 59
Punk #1 is attempting to strap the basket onto the
motorcycle with a bungie cord. Punk #2 watches him
We'd be better off taking the
You want to ride the subway with
a hundred grand in uncut dope,
Well we can't ride around
carrying this baby basket. We'll
get stopped by the cops.
So go ahead, take the subway and
stop bothering me. I'm going to
hook this onto the back seat.
It'll never hold, man.
at the hook and
Goddamn hook! Christ, what a
stupid idea hiding the shit with
this kid. It's ridiculous!
Peter comes rushing out of the building.
(huffing and puffing)
Oh, thank God, you're still here!
There's been a terrible mistake.
That wasn't the package you
were s'posed to take. It was
another one. I have it right
What do you mean? What other
I'll take the basket back and
give you the other package, here.
Peter takes the package from his pocket and is about
to grab the basket. Punk #1 pushes him back violently.
You ain't takin' nothin' back,
But I'm tellin you it was a
(in a low but very
You tryin' to double-cross us or
something? Beat it before I get
in an equally
But I'm telling you, I've got
your package right here. There's
been a mistake...
A mistake my ass! Now get outa
here, man, or I'm gonna stick
this right in your gut.
He discreetly reveals a switchblade knife he's carrying.
(to Punk #2)
Start the bike.
Punk #2 is about to get on the motorcycle. Peter stops
But I'm telling you, I've got
the real package in my pocket.
(to Punk #1)
Watch it, the cops!
Peter quickly puts back the package in his pocket. A
patrol car comes up next to them, right beside the car
in which Graton is sitting, taking in every bit of the
(to his partner)
Terrific! I bet these morons
screw up everything.
One of the COPS gets out of his car and comes over to the
Punks and Peter. Peter is scared stiff.
If you called the cops on us,
pal, you're a dead man.
All right, what's that doing on
the back of the bike?
No one answers.
You wouldn't by any chance be
intending to drive with a baby
basket on your motorcycle, would
Of course not, Officer. We'd
never do something like that.
So why did you strap it on in
the first place if you had no
intention of driving with it?
So it wouldn't fall off.
As he speaks, Peter undoes the bungie cord from around
the basket and takes it off the motorcycle.
No, really, Officer, they weren't
gonna drive off with it -- They
were just watching it for me while
I was doing a quick errand.
(to the Punks)
Punk #1 gives him a dirty look.
All right, let's see some
The punks exchange a glance. Suddenly Punk #1 shouts:
They take off running in different directions. Cop #1
charges after Punk #1 and yells to his partner who's
still in the car:
Watch the guy with the basket!
Cop #2 leaps out of the car, gun in hand.
Peter stiffens with fear.
Freeze! All right, asshole, let's
see some I.D.
Listen, Officer, let's stay calm
now. I haven't the slightest
intention of running. I am not
a criminal. I'm an architect.
Your I.D., let's see it.
I'm terribly sorry, Officer, but
I don't have any identification
on me. I just came down with my
baby to run a quick errand. I
haven't committed any crime.
All right, let's go, in the car.
I'm taking you down to the
Oh, c'mon, that's impossible --
you see I have a baby. I have
to give her a bottle in fifteen
minutes, I can't go anywhere.
I live right in this building --
let me go up to my apartment
and I'll get you my license
immediately... You can even
come with me if you like...
All right, lead the way.
They disappear inside the building. Peter is carrying
the basket in his left hand; his right hand is clenched
on the horrible package hidden in his pocket.
Just then Cop #1 comes running back, empty-handed.
Graton gets out of his car and comes up to Cop #1, show-
ing him his badge.
Inspector Graton, Narcotics. It
just so happens I was tailing
those two guys and now because
of you clowns I lost them,
probably forever. Thanks a lot!
How could we know?
Forget it. Listen, your partner
went in here with the guy and the
baby. He lives up on the tenth
floor. I can't go in because if
he sees me, my cover is blown. So
could you please try not to lose
this one, okay? He's someone who's
gotta be watched very closely.
I've called for backup and it's on
60 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 60
The elevator doors open, Peter and Cop #2 exit.
(key in hand)
This is it. Please come in...
can I get you a cup of coffee or
No thanks. I'll just wait out
Peter enters the apartment and calmly crosses through
the house, carrying the basket.
As soon as he's out of the cop's sight, he starts running
like a madman down the corridor. He runs into Michael
who was just coming to meet him.
Hey, what's happening? What
were those cops doing...
Peter shuts him up, grabs him roughly under the arm and
leads him into his room, closing the door behind them.
Peter speaks softly but he's totally freaking out, he
can hardly breathe.
Michael... Michael... we're in
deep trouble. The package...
There's a cop on the doorstep...
He didn't see you... He mustn't
see you... We're in deep
Tell me what...
The package they came for wasn't
the baby, it was dope, drugs, a
shitload of dope! We were stopped
by some cops down on the street.
But did the cops see the dope?
No, it's right here.
He takes out the package.
We'll get twenty years if the
cops find this on us! Climb down
the fire escape and hide it...
Michael takes the package, opens the window and starts to
climb out it when Peter stops him.
Hey, whatever you do, don't lose
the goddamn dope, we gotta be
able to return it to those dealers
or we're dead. Those guys are
He starts down the fire escape, then stops and turns back.
Oh, by the way, I put some water
up to boil for her bottle.
Michael disappears. Peter picks up Mary, grabs his wal-
let and leaves the room. When he gets to the hall, he
discovers that Cop #1 has joined Cop #2, to whom he is
whispering something. Peter holds his license out for
them to see.
Here's my license.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to
ask you to remain in the apartment.
The narcotics squad will be
arriving any moment now. They
want to ask you a few questions.
Narcotics squad? What do they
want with me? I don't even use
61 INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY 61
Michael is buying a pair of scissors, glue and a roll of
Scotch tape. Then he buys a box of large diapers -- he
chooses the ones that come in a box. Michael leaves the
62 EXT. PARK - DAY 62
Michael is sitting on a bench facing the grass, with
his back to us, he seems quite busy.
As we CLOSE IN, we discover that he has opened the box of
diapers and that he's holding one of them; its plastic
has been carefully cut out with scissors.
Casually, glancing right and left, he takes the individ-
ual packets of white powder out of his pocket and shoves
them into a little plastic bag from the supermarket.
Then he carefully tapes the bag so it's well-sealed and
flattened out, and he inserts it into the diaper, be-
tween the plastic and the absorbent fabric.
Next, the diaper is taped up, folded back up and put
back in the box, neatly packed between the other ones.
Michael closes the box again and glues it together so
it looks as if it's never been opened. He throws all
the other stuff away in a trash can and grabs hold of
his brand-new box of diapers. He walks away.
63 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 63
Michael comes into the living room with his box of
diapers and a bag of groceries.
In addition to the two cops there are now THREE NARCOTIC
AGENTS who are interrogating Peter. He is holding Mary.
The basket is on an armchair.
Hello, Officers... What's going
Don't worry, Michael, it's
nothing serious, just a little
Did you give her the 5:30 bottle?
Yeah, I just gave it to her.
Did you change her?
No, she's soaking wet.
Okay, I'll do it.
Michael puts down his bag of groceries, takes Mary from
Peter and disappears with the box of diapers.
In his room, he lays Mary down on his bed and starts
64 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 64
And who's he?
He's my roommate.
(raising an eyebrow)
Oh, I see, I see...
No, you don't see. There are
three of us sharing this place.
Oh, three, huh? A regular 'mirage
It's 'menage'... and it's not.
We all have lots of girlfriends,
Uh-huh, so what's your friend do?
He's a cartoonist.
What about the other guy?
He's a pilot.
Ah-hah... Now that's interesting...
(to his colleague)
... Get me those photographs,
the ones taken at Newark Airport.
Agent #1 looks in his attache case.
So does this friend of yours ever
fly to South America?
No. Never. Only North America.
The PHONE RINGS.
Would you object if I answered it
Not at all, go right ahead. I've
got nothing to hide.
Agent #1 picks up the phone and listens.
It's a collect call from a Jack
Collins in La Paz, Bolivia. That
wouldn't happen to be your pilot
friend, would it? The one who
never goes to South America?
Yes, it is him.
Agent #1 hands him the phone.
Hello, yes, operator, I accept the
Agent #1 gestures to Agent #3 to take a look around the
apartment. Agent #3 slips away.
Would you mind very much if I
Please, go right ahead.
Agent #1 picks up the other telephone.
Hello, Jack? Fine, yeah. How're
you? Yeah, he's fine, too.
Yeah, we left a message for you,
right... No, it was nothing
special, it was just, I mean...
to see how you were doing and all
... No, no emergency. Everything's
I said everything's fine! The
what?... I don't know what you're
talking about... Oh yeah, the
package! Yeah, yeah, it got here
... and was picked up, uh-huh.
Hey! Why didn't you call sooner?
Huh? 'Cause what?... Oh, you're
onto something hot -- well, aren't
you the lucky one!... So when are
you getting married?... Forget it,
I was just kidding... Well,
everything's fine up here. So
have a good time. See you in a
couple of weeks. 'Bye.
Peter hangs up. So does Agent #1.
Now that's interesting. So you
wanna tell me about this package
and the hot something-or-other
your friend lucked onto... in
La Paz... Bolivia... South America?
Peter sits down, stunned.
65 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 65
Mary is lying on Michael's bed. He has just finished
putting a regular diaper on her.
Then Michael looks for the tampered-with diaper in the
box. He finds it, checks that it is well-sealed, and
places it under Mary's bottom.
Just then Agent #3 appears in the doorway. Michael
calmly finishes putting the dope-filled diaper on the
baby on top of the other one. MARY is COOING. Every-
thing appears normal. However, a trained eye might be
very surprised by the enormous thickness of the diaper
covering the young lady's backside. But a narcotics
agent is not necessarily the most qualified person to
notice something odd like this.
Agent #3 silently observes Michael, who gives him a big
smile as he slips on Mary's pajama bottoms. Michael
picks Mary up and for the first time talks to her in the
kind of silly babytalk used by adoring parents.
Okey-dokey, honeybunch, it's time
to go beddy-bye now... We're gonna
take a nice long nappy-wappy...
He goes back to the living room, followed by Agent #3.
Agent #1 is in the process of showing Peter a photograph.
Do you recognize anyone in this
Peter looks: it's the photo of Jack and Paul that was
taken at the beginning of the movie.
Sure. This is Jack Collins.
Oh yeah? Now that's interesting.
Michael has laid Mary down for a nap in her basket,
observed by the five cops. He now sits down, cheerful
and bubbling over with enthusiasm.
So! Can I get you something to
Agent #1 totally ignores him.
So, who's the baby belong to?
It's Jack's daughter.
And why are you two taking care of
Because her mother's in Europe
for six months, and since Jack had
to be away for two weeks, I took
my vacation to take care of her,
I love kids.
Yeah, Peter and I just love kids!
Now that's interesting. Well,
we'll be seeing each other again
soon, in fact very soon. In the
meantime, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't leave New York in the next
All the cops head for the door. Michael accompanies
them, putting on a very urbane act.
Come back anytime, gentlemen.
You're always welcome here. We
have no particular plans to leave
New York in the near future, so
don't worry about us now. 'Bye now.
Once the cops are gone, Michael races back to the living
room. Peter has collapsed into his armchair.
(in a low tone)
Christ, what a mess! They'll be on
our tails around the clock! How
the hell are we gonna get rid of
the goddamn dope?! By the way,
where is it?
(also speaking in
a low tone)
It's cool, don't worry, I got it
Michael points to Mary's bottom.
This way it's close at hand!
Are you out of your mind??
Relax, will you.
I diapered the dope on her right
in front of the cop and he never
noticed a thing!
I told the cops we were taking
care of her. You realize we're
now stuck with the kid till Jack
comes back. There ain't nobody
coming to pick her up, and I have
to go back to the office today!
Wait a minute. You're not gonna
stick me with this kid! Tell
them you need a maternity leave,
tell them anything, but we've got
to go 50-50 on this!
And that's not all -- we haven't
heard from the punks yet either!
66 EXT. STREET - DAY 66
Hidden within a parked car, three men are keeping a close
watch on the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack's build-
ing. The two uniformed cops emerge, get in their car,
and pull away.
67 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 67
(on the phone; things
are heating up)
That's right, you heard right:
I'm not coming in to work for two
weeks... No, I can't explain why...
(in a louder tone)
... Because I can't, that's all!...
NO, this has nothing to do with
chasing ass! Jerry... Jerry!
Will you stop screaming for a
minute and listen? I'm in trouble,
you understand? Deep trouble... I
know... I know...
... Goddammit, Jerry, of course
winning the competition is
important to me! The firm's my
whole life if you must know. No,
no, please -- don't send anyone
over here... Don't you come either.
No, Jerry... Okay, listen, I'll be
there in a half-hour, but I can't
stay long. No! Don't come here!
I'll be right over.
He hangs up. Michael enters the room, with his coat on.
I gotta go over to Mr. Oxman's --
he just called and he's freaking
out. He says if I don't bring
some cartoons over now, the deal's
You're going now?
Yeah, but don't worry about it,
I'll be back before it's time
for her next bottle. She's asleep
Terrific, just terrific! Jerry
just called: I have to go to the
office right now.
Well, call him back. Tell him
you'll come later.
There's no way. I can't, he's
suicidal. Why don't you call Oxman
and tell him you'll be there in a
You're crazy. Oxman is leaving in
an hour. If I don't meet him
before then, I blow my 15,000
Oh shit, I can't take this
Look, maybe we could pawn her off
on Mrs. Razzolini, just for a
couple of hours -- she's crazy
Good idea! Let's go.
68 INT. BUILDING - DUSK 68
Peter and Michael get out of the elevator on Mrs.
Razzolini's floor. They each are holding one of the
handles on the basket. They are walking quickly.
Suddenly Michael stops Peter.
Wait -- I hear someone... I'll go
Peter waits with the basket. Michael tiptoes to the
corner of the corridor.
At the very end of the corridor, on Mrs. Razzolini's
doorstep, he sees the three narcotics Agents talking with
Mrs. Razzolini. We can hear snippets of their
Yes, I brought a package up to
them... I think it was last
What are these people like? What
kind of lifestyle do they have?
Michael hastily returns to Peter, still on tiptoes. He
leads him back to the elevator and pushes the elevator
Just as I thought -- the goddamn
cops are grilling Mrs. Razzolini.
Oh shit! We sure as hell can't
hand her the baby with an ass full
of dope... right in front of the
The elevator has arrived meanwhile.
What should we do? I really gotta
Listen, she's just had her bottle.
She's sleeping like a log. Let's
just leave her in the apartment.
What can possibly happen to her?
She's as regular as clockwork.
She won't wake up till 8:30 and
we'll easily be back by then...
Yeah, you're right, we won't be
They rush into the elevator.
69 EXT. STREET - DUSK 69
The three men, slumped in their car, are watching the
door of the apartment building.
The three narcotics Agents emerge from the building and
walk away. A short time goes by. Peter and Michael
emerge from the building and quickly walk away. The three
men get out of their car, cross the street and enter the
70 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 70
Peter comes out of the elevator, key in hand. He's about
to put it in the lock on the door, but stops short -- the
door is already open.
Michael? Michael, are you here?
Peter pushes the door open. The sight that greets his
eyes is very dismaying. It looks like a tornado has hit
the house. Everything's on the floor, it's all been
smashed, it's all been ripped apart. Gone is the beauti-
ful apartment that had been so lovingly decorated. In
its place, utter devastation and shambles.
Peter stands there speechless for a moment, then an awful
thought crosses his mind. He runs like crazy into his
room -- the basket's not there. Stepping over the debris
and all the things strewn over the floor, he rushes into
the living room, then into Michael's room. The basket's
nowhere to be seen.
Peter falls apart; without even realizing it, he's moan-
ing and muttering distractedly. He runs into Jack's
room, into the kitchen, into the bathroom. The basket is
nowhere to be seen. Peter runs all over, back and forth
ten times in all the rooms. Tears are flowing from his
Suddenly, he hears FAINT CRIES. They're coming from the
back bathroom. Peter rushes to it, practically ripping
the door from its hinges. There on the toilet is the
basket, and on it there's a note written in big messy
printing which says: "NEXT TIME WE TAKE HER."
Mary looks at Peter and smiles; she seems in great shape.
A distraught Peter picks her up, hugs her tightly and
kisses her all over as he takes her into his room.
Just then, Michael appears in the corridor, silent and
overwhelmed. He comes to the door to Peter's room and
looks at him. Peter, mortified to have been caught
kissing Mary, hastily distances himself from her, hold-
ing her at arm's length. He puts her down on his bed
and exits the room.
71 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 71
The debris has been shoved up against the walls. Peter
and Michael, in their pajamas and dead tired, are slumped
over the table. Peter is giving Mary her bottle.
Michael is looking at Mary as though he were seeing her
for the first time.
72 INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT 72
Peter is in bed, completely out of it.
Michael is changing Mary very carefully. He puts one
diaper on her, then the second one, full of dope. He
lays Mary down in her basket, then places the basket on
the bed, nestled between the wall and Peter's body.
Michael, holding the soiled diaper, silently goes out.
Once he's alone, Peter leans over the basket. Mary and
he stare at each other intently and seriously. Peter
switches off the light.
73 INT. APARTMENT - DAWN 73
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Michael, asleep on his mattress on the floor in the
middle of his wrecked bedroom, emerges from sleep and
glances at his clock: it's 6:10 AM. He staggers to the
front door and opens it. The door is being held together
with a string.
Agents #1, #2, and #3 are at the door, with four other
cops backing them up.
Mrs. Razzolini is standing behind them and staring, wide-
eyed, a look of horror on her face.
Morning, officers. Can I help
(holding out a piece
of paper to him)
(playing the gentleman,
waving away the paper)
I believe you, officer. Go ahead,
we have nothing to hide. Hello,
Mrs. Razzolini turns her back on him and hurries away.
The cops enter the apartment.
You'll have to excuse the mess...
We had a few friends over last night...
(looking at the
Oh, really? Well, if I were you
I'd get myself some new friends!
Peter comes in, in his bathrobe, furious.
What the hell are you guys looking
Probably the same things your
friends were looking for last
night! Didn't Mrs. Razzolini
bring you a package last Sunday?
You mean the chocolate Easter
bunnies? We ate them already.
He starts to walk away.
Anyway, you have no idea how many
packages we've been getting lately.
It's hard to keep track of them.
Maybe we can help.
(to his colleagues)
Let's get to work!
All the cops enter the apartment.
74 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 74
Peter is in bed, with the basket beside him. A narcotics
AGENT is rummaging through his scattered belongings.
Would you mind if I look in your
My pleasure. Try not to make a
Peter gets up, takes the basket off the bed and keeps it
in his hands. The Agent searches the bed.
I'll look in the basket, if you
Be my guest.
He picks up Mary with her huge diaper. The Agent
searches the whole basket.
Thank you very much, sorry about
He goes out. Peter, undaunted, pats Mary's big behind.
75 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 75
The cops are leaving.
Well, there's obviously been a
mistake. As far as you're
concerned this investigation is
closed. We apologize again.
Oh, don't mention it! It was a
pleasure having you here! I hope
you'll find what you're looking
for very soon!
So do we.
Michael closes the door and races into the living room
where he discovers Peter putting on his jacket.
Did you hear that? He said
there'd been a mistake and they
weren't going to bother us anymore.
Bullshit, it's a trick.
You think so? Really?
They just said that to put us off
guard. They saw the condition
this apartment's in.
They know the punks were here
looking for the dope and that they
probably didn't find it. So that
means we've still got it.
But he said the investigation was
Okay, let's just see how closed
it is. I'll go downstairs. You
watch out the window and see if
I'm being tailed.
76 EXT. STREET - DAY 76
Michael is peeking out at the street from the window
above. Peter comes out of the building and turns left,
walking very quickly.
Suddenly, Peter stops, turns around and retraces his
steps. We can clearly see a man, who was walking about
six yards behind Peter on the opposite side of the
street, also turn around and retrace his steps.
It is Graton.
77 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 77
So? Was I right?
There's one guy for sure! A
redhead, kind of young, disguised
sort of like a college student.
I knew it. They're going to be
watching us around the clock.
How are we going to get the dope
back to the punks?
I have the feeling they'll come
We'll have to be very careful.
78 EXT. STREET - NIGHTFALL 78
Michael is walking on the street carrying two bags of
groceries. Suddenly, a guy walks up to him and elbows
Hi! Doin' a little shopping, huh?
How's your place -- not too much
damage, I hope.
What do you guys want?
We want the dope. Tomorrow.
And we want to give it to you.
But the cops are tailing us
nonstop. Matter of fact, there's
one right behind us now...
That's your problem, man. Figure
out a way to shake 'em. Either we
safely get the dope tomorrow, or
you, your friend and the kid'll
(he quickly stabs
the grocery bags
We'll call you tonight.
He runs off, disappearing into the darkness. From the
slit-open grocery bag milk flows out onto the sidewalk.
Michael is shaking all over. Standing about twenty yards
away, Graton hasn't missed a thing.
79 INT. COP CAR - NIGHT 79
Not far from Peter, Michael and Jack's building, Graton,
in his car, is talking into the microphone of his police
... My snitch told me the gang
hasn't gotten the dope back yet,
but they will soon. They made
contact with the two guys tonight
... No, no, they don't know I'm
tailing them. These jerks are
going to fall right into my
80 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 80
Peter and Michael are seated in the living room, which is
still an utter wreck. They can't take their eyes off the
phone that's between the two of them.
They are sitting silently, not moving.
Mary is playing in her basket.
The PHONE RINGS. Peter and Michael both jump three feet
in the air.
Michael picks up the phone.
Hello? Who? Goddamn it, where
... It's Jack. He just landed in
Newark. He came back early.
(he grabs the receiver
out of Michael's
Jack? What the hell are you
(listens to a long
Yeah... yeah... oh yeah? Well,
listen very carefully, Jack.
That wonderful, fantastic babe
you brought back from Bolivia?
The one you're gonna marry
tomorrow? Well, you're not going
to bring her here!... You are
going to say 'goodbye' to her very
nicely and put her in a cab back
to Bolivia... Why? Because there's
another wonderful, fantastic babe
waiting for you right here at home
... Who is she? Oh, that's a
surprise! You'll see when you
get here. But believe me, she's
out of this world. You're going
to be up all night with this babe.
She's crazy about you.
(in a low tone)
Make it quick, the punks may be
trying to call...
So hurry home, Jack, this little
doll can't wait to see you. 'Bye.
He hangs up.
(in a furious temper)
That goddamn mother fuckin' jerk
of an asshole! I swear when he
comes through the door I'll kill
The PHONE interrupts. Michael leaps up and answers it.
Hello? Listen, tomorrow, Central
Park at the fountain near the
merry-go-round, five o'clock. Be
They've hung up on the other end. Michael hangs up
and sits down, drained.
... That was it.
All we can do now is hope our
You think the cops have our phone
I don't think that's legal, is it?
80A EXT. STREET - NIGHT 80A
Graton is speaking into the microphone of his radio.
Next to him sits a cop with phone-tapping equipment.
We got 'em, Chief. Five o'clock
tomorrow at the fountain near the
merry-go-round! I'll arrange for
back-up... Hold it, someone's going
into their building...
We see Jack getting out of a taxi with his luggage
and going into the building.
81 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 81
Jack emerges from the elevator happy as a lark and
(opening the door)
Yoo-hoo, guys! I'm home! I've
got presents for you... so where's
that wonderful fantastic babe...
He enters and sees the state the apartment is in.
... What the hell happened here?
He walks into the apartment, shocked and overwhelmed.
Peter! Michael! Are you here?
He goes into the living room -- No one'sthere. Into
Michael's room. No one's there. He goes into his own
room, where the destruction is even moreshocking than
elsewhere since nothing has been touchedin there.
Oh, my God! My beautiful room!
My beautiful, beautiful room!
Michael!... Peter -- where the
hell are you, for Chrissakes?
He runs like a madman into Peter's room and stops short
on the threshold. Michael and Peter are each holding a
handle of the basket as they rock it gently.
What the hell is going on around
here? What happened to this place?
What happened to my room?
Peter and Michael look him right in the eye, still
rocking the basket.
And anyway, what the hell are you
swinging that thing for?
Answer me for God's sake!
Oh my God, there's a kid in there!
Have you've gone bananas!? There's
a Goddamn kid in there!
Oh, I get it. The 'silent' treatment!
Okay, if you won't talk to me, you can
talk to my lawyer! This is grounds for
divorce! You're in big trouble, the
both of you.
He leaves. A second later, he comes back.
I paid to have this place decorated,
too, you know. I'm not going to let
you get away with this.
He leaves; a second later, he comes back.
It's too late to try and talk me
out of it. I'm history. I'm gone.
I'm outa here.
He leaves. A second later, he comes back.
I'm giving you one more chance to...
Would it be asking too much of you
to shut your big mouth for a few
seconds? There is a child here
who's trying to sleep.
And that's another thing! I will
not have a baby in this house!
Babies are not part of our agreement!
Michael, please hold me back... or
I'll kill him.
Michael takes the basket handle from Peter's hand, places
the basket carefully on the bed, and walks without a word
towards Jack, who he takes by the arm and steers into the
living room. Peter softly shuts the door behind them and
82 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 82
Michael sits Jack down in an armchair. He speaks with
All right, Jack. Why don't we
start at the very beginning. The
very day you left for your
Hey, will you please stop talking
like Mr. Rogers? It's getting on
(his fuse has blown,
His nerves! Ha. Ha. Ha. His
nerves! Michael, his nerves!
You wanna talk about nerves! Then
just shut up and listen. It so
happens we don't want a kid here
either, but when someone dumps one
on us, we take goddamn care of it.
Yeah, we take goddam care of it.
We haven't had a decent night's
sleep in two weeks. Michael's
probably going to lose a $15,000
Peter couldn't leave. Jerry almost
jumped out the window. It's lucky
they even made it to the finals!
First, we've got the narcs on our
ass, then there's the drug gang
threatening to carve us up. Then
bottles... bottles... every three
And diapers. Have you ever tried
to do diapers?
'La Paz, Bolivia...' He calls from
... 'I'm onto something hot.' He
says. 'Did the package get there?'
He says. You asshole!
And the day they wrecked the
apartment, Peter came home and
couldn't find Mary. I've never
seen him in tears like that bef...
(cutting him off;
Never mind about that. Look, Jack,
you got us into this mess, and
you're going to help us get out of
What are you guys talking about?
What narcs? What gang? And who's
that fucking baby?
For your information, the 'fucking'
baby's name is Mary. And if I
were you, I'd watch what I said
about her... because she just so
happens to be your daughter!
And it just so happens, we've got
a lot better things to do with our
lives than wipe a baby's ass, even
if she's yours!
Peter and Michael exit, slamming the door.
83 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 83
Peter is slicking his hair back with Brylcream. Jack
is sitting on the edge of the bathtub, with his arms
crossed. He observes Peter silently.
84 INT. APARTMENT - MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 84
Mary is lying on the bed and Michael is putting the dope-
filled diaper on her.
85 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 85
Peter is giving a tousled-looking punk hairstyle to
Jack, who is looking at himself in the mirror.
It's ridiculous. I look
You look completely ridiculous
-- so what?
86 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 86
MARY, wearing a bonnet and coat, is lying on one of the
couches, CHIRPING merrily. Next to her, also in his
coat, Michael is just finishing wrapping a brown package
which he puts in a plastic bag, along with a book, a
baby rattle, and a clean diaper.
Peter and Jack, disguised as punks, each with punk
hairstyles and wearing black sunglasses, are climbing
out the window leading to the fire escape.
87 EXT. STREET - DAY 87
Michael exits the building. Mary, wrapped in a little
woolen blanket, is in his arms. Michael is also carry-
ing his plastic bag.
Graton, in his car, is speaking into the radio mike.
Okay, he's coming out alone.
I'll follow him. Someone else
stay here to keep an eye on the
88 EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY 88
Michael is lying on the grass near the fountain with
Mary on her blanket near him.
Graton is nearby, also lying casually on the grass,
watching them out of the corner of his eye.
Michael glances at his watch, then at the passersby.
The punk from the day before walks by with his arm around
a girl. He strolls by casually. He spots Michael and
their eyes meet. The couple sit down on a bench a few
yards away and they begin "making out."
Michael leans over Mary, coochie-coos her and surrepti-
tiously takes off her diaper, which he puts down beside
him. He puts the clean diaper on her.
Graton, nervous and wary, watches Michael and the
passersby. Just then, two punks (Peter and Jack) come
running up to Michael. He ostensibly takes the brown
package out of his plastic bag and gives it to them.
The two punks immediately take off with the package.
Graton leaps up, shouts "let's get 'em" and takes off
after the punks, followed by about 10 other plainclothes
detectives, who'd been hiding all around.
Michael quickly gets up, picks Mary up and discreetly
deposits the dope-filled diaper in a trash can, giving
the punk on the bench an intent look. Then he goes off
in the direction of the cops.
The punk calmly goes over to the trash can, takes out the
diaper, which he stuffs into his girl friend's purse, and
goes off in the opposite direction.
The cops have meanwhile arrested Peter and Jack, who put
up no resistance whatsoever. Michael now joins them.
What's going on?
Inspector Graton, Narcotics. Do
you admit you gave these men this
Sure. I gave it to them, just a
(to one of the cops)
Officer, will you please open this
package in front of these witnesses?
The cop opens the package: it's a box of chocolate
Easter bunnies. Graton is mortified. He crushes all
the bunnies -- there's absolutely nothing but chocolate
Is it against the law to give a
box of candy to my friends?
Peter and Jack take off their glasses.
Oh, it's you guys!
What's the problem?
You guys must think you're pretty
smart, don't ya?
Holy shit! The diaper!
Graton starts running like crazy back to the fountain.
He rummages like a sick dog all around the spot where
Michael had been lying. Suddenly he dashes toward the
trash can and dumps out its contents, throwing the
garbage around like a lunatic.
The goddam diaper! What a jerk,
what a goddam schmuck I am!
Peter, Michael, Jack and the 10 plainclothes detectives
watch Graton going bananas.
(to the cops)
I think that guy needs a vacation.
He should try South America.
Yeah, I hear it's nice there this
time of year.
89 INT. GRATON'S BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY 89
The Chief is standing behind his desk, red-faced with
anger, and Graton sheepishly faces him.
Let's face it... Graton... You've
got shit for brains.
I'm sure the dope was in the
diaper. Can I go on tailing them?
Forget it. I have solid information
your three suspects never had anything
to do with the dealers or the dope.
I'm sure the dope was in the diaper.
I'm sure the dope was in the diaper.
Did you hear me, Graton? Case closed.
I'm sure the d...
90 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - EVENING 90
In the devastated living room Peter, still disguised as
a punk, and Michael, both very high, are dancing around
in circles with each other and laughing. They are
singing a lullaby at the top of their lungs, and har-
monizing. Peter is holding Mary close, and Michael,
holding a near-empty bottle of liquor, staggers over to
him and starts turning around in circles with him.
MARY, snuggled up warmly between Peter and Michael, is
LAUGHING her head off.
In the b.g., in the hall, Jack, also still in his punk
getup, is on the phone. He's got a glass in his hand
and is a little smashed.
Paul, hi, it's Jack! Hey, listen,
I brought you back a little present
from South America. Can I see you
right away so I can give it to you?
... Yeah, the sooner the better!
I can't wait to let you have it.
How about 67th and East River?
91 EXT. EAST RIVER - EVENING 91
A broadly smiling Jack arrives at the riverside. Paul
is sitting on a bench. When he sees Jack, he gets up
and comes to greet him, smiling and extending his hand.
Without warning, Jack suddenly jumps him and sends him
with a forceful shove flying into the water. Paul lands
on his back with a big splash, and comes back up to the
surface totally dumbfounded. Jack leans over the water
and yells at him, like a madman, still a bit drunk.
That was for your 'little' package,
and consider yourself lucky I
didn't turn you in to the cops!
And get one thing into your thick
skull: I have never touched dope,
and I never will. You and your
shit-dealing, you can go straight
to hell, and you can take the
money you make from it and stick
it up your ass! So long.
Jack turns his back on Paul and staggers off.
Hey, come back! -- how'm I gonna
get out of here?
92 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 92
In the living room, Michael is sitting in front of the
TV. He's not really watching -- he's eavesdropping on
Jack's phone conversation.
Listen, Sylvia, you've got to come
back. I travel, I can't take care
of her... Yeah, but you're her
mother... I'm her father -- what
makes you so sure I'm the father!?
The dates coincide! Big deal!
That doesn't prove a thing... But
she's still your kid, so do me a
favor, get your ass back here
immediately and take her off our
hands... 'Cause we've got a lot
better things to do with our
lives than wipe a baby's ass,
okay? Sylvia?... Hello! Hello!
Sylvia, goddam it!
(he slams the receiver
down like he was
hammering a nail)
Shit! That bitch hung up on me!
Women! I could kill them!
Why don't you call her back?
I don't have the number. I got
a message to her through her
agency, they won't tell me where
she is. I don't even know where
she was calling from. And you
better believe she's not going
to call back!
The PHONE RINGS. Michael answers it.
Hello?... No, it's Michael... How
are you?... Oh, she's doing just
fine, she's in great shape. We're
taking very good care of her, you
have nothing to worry about.
He hangs up.
Who was that?
Sylvia -- She wanted to know how
Mary was doing.
What? Jesus Christ, Michael, why
didn't you let me talk to her!?
She would have just hung up on
you again. The important thing
is she knows Mary's fine.
You jerk! You should've said
she was terrible, sick as hell!
Practically on death's door!
What a jerk, what a pain in the
ass you can be sometimes...
What's with him? The kid's doing
93 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 93
Jack is on the phone in his room, which is looking a
little more normal again.
Mom? Hi, how are you?... Yes, I'm
fine. Yes, I'm eating well. Mom,
how would you feel if I told you
you were a grandma?...
SCREAMING coming over the phone.
... Yeah... A little girl, Mary...
SCREAMING coming over the phone.
... I'd love you to see her. In
fact, I was gonna bring her down
tomorrow... today?... Great, I
think there's a flight in three
hours. I'll be at your place by
two. See you real soon!
He hangs up gleefully, rubbing his hands together.
94 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 94
Michael and Jack are in the kitchen. Michael is making
some bottles. Jack is watching him do it.
You'll have four already made,
this'll hold till Miami.
Tell her to make sure Mary gets
plenty of sleep.
I'll tell her.
If her ass gets red, tell her not
to listen to any pediatricians --
they're full of shit.
Right. Full of shit.
Then she should give her a bottle
of water instead of the regular
bottle. Works like a charm: Her
ass will be white as snow in
Bottle of water, white as snow...
Peter says her clothes should be
washed by hand...
Really, by hand?
And only in soap flakes without
any artificial color or scent.
And then rinsed three times in
very hot water.
Rinse three times.
To put her to sleep we sing in
harmony -- it always works.
My mother lives alone.
Solo works just as well.
Now, as for the nipples, you've
got to be very, very, very careful.
As soon as the hole gets too big
she's gotta throw them out -- This
is extra, extra, extra-specially
important -- 'cause if the hole's
too big, the milk comes out too
fast and it's bad for her digest...
(politely, but a
little in a hurry)
I gotta get going, I'll miss my
95 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 95
Peter is returning from work.
Michael is in the living room, eating a sandwich, while
looking through a magazine.
How 'bout Jack?
On his way to Miami.
Oh, yeah. He's got a lot of
nerve! Leaving us with the kid
No, he took Mary to his mother's,
she couldn't wait to see her.
He's gonna try to unload her on
her till Sylvia gets back. I
made her four bott...
You're kidding! That son-of-a-
Don't worry, I told him everything
he had to know, and I made her
Oh, I'm telling you, that guy is
really starting to get on my
Goddamn him! He really could
have called me!
Are you pissed off 'cause she's
Of course not! What, are you
crazy? I'm relieved! Thank God
she's out of here!
I made her four bott...
That idiot! He could at least
have told me.
I can't believe this... That
jackass... That jerk... There are
such things as phones!
Four bottles for the goddam trip.
There, I finally got it out.
96 EXT. HOUSE (MIAMI) - DAY 96
A cab slowly pulls up in front of Jack's mother's house.
There is a big red convertible filled with four jovial
senior citizens. Jack comes out of the cab with the basket
and stares at his mother, MARGIE, who's just locking her
door. Next to her, holding her luggage is Steve (a man in
his sixties). They head toward the trunk of the car.
Hey, he finally made it!
Do you have any idea what time it
is? It's four. You said two.
But, Mom, I missed the plane.
Yeah, but now I have to go.
Where are you going?
On a cruise around the world.
But why didn't you say so on the phone?
Because you never would've come.
Now let me see her.
(she grabs Mary and
covers her with kisses)
Oh, my little strudle!
Hey, Margie. We're a little late...
Bye-bye, sweetie love... I'll
bring you back presents from all
over the world.
(to Jack, giving
She runs into the car and they pull away. Everyone
97 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 97
Jack comes in with the basket; he's in a vile mood.
He's got a bottle ready in his hand.
Peter, who had been working in his room, rushes to the
You're bringing her back?
Yeah... she's starving. I gotta
heat this bottle up right away.
They go into the kitchen together. Peter immediately
gets busy; he heats the bottle up quickly while Jack
soothes the hungry Mary by carrying her in his arms.
So what happened? Did you two
have a fight?
Didn't she want to take her?
Sure she did, but she was just
leaving for some stupid cruise
around the world. The entire
fucking world! With some bimbo
boyfriend of her's... and a bunch
of retired bozos.
The apple doesn't fall far from
98 INT. APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON 98
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Jack goes to the door.
At the door stands a rather distinguished-looking woman,
with her hair tied back very properly, a suitcase in her
hand. It is MRS. BRETSAWS, who speaks with a British
Good afternoon. I'm Mathilda
Bretsaws, from The Second Mommy
Oh, yes, I was expecting you.
Won't you come in...
They disappear into the living room. Jack shuts the door
behind him. Michael peeks into the hall, then goes and
looks into the living room through the crack in the door.
Peter, too, peeks in.
Who is it?
Must be some nanny he found through
Peter shrugs and walks away.
Jack comes out of the living room.
(softly, to Michael)
She wants to see Mary.
Well, she wants to see her anyway!
He heads toward Peter's room.
What do you want?
Don't go into my room, she's
Yeah, but the nanny, Mrs. Bretsaws,
she wants to see her.
No, damn it, no! You're gonna
wake her up! It already took me
an hour to sing her to sleep...
Yeah, but she wants to see her.
All right, I'll go explain the
(holding him back
with both hands)
No, no, Peter, please, really,
don't go, don't bother, I'll go
explain it to her myself...
It's no bother, Jack. I'll be
glad to do it.
He rushes toward the living room.
(sighing, to Michael)
Wanna bet she's out of here in
ten minutes slamming the door
They tiptoe over to the living room door and eavesdrop.
99 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON 99
... A sleeping child should not be
awakened. If you don't know that,
then you're not fit to be a nanny.
(tense, but still
I never said that I wanted the
child to be awakened, sir. I only
asked to see her. If I'm going
to be taking care of the child on
a round-the-clock basis, then...
'Round-the-clock'? Whaddya mean
'round the clock'? Are you
intending to sleep here?
Absolutely, sir. A second mommy
is a second mommy.
And where are you going to sleep?
Well, I expect you to show me to
Well, I don't know where Jack
intends to stick you... That's his
problem... Maybe in his room...
But I'm warning you, Mrs.
There are three of us sharing
this place and we're all real
100 INT. HALLWAY - LATE AFTERNOON 100
Behind the door, Jack rolls his eyes, Michael empathizes
with him. They head back to the kitchen.
101 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON 101
... And as for screwing, I have
all I need at home, thank you very
much. With a few days off every
month, I'm sure I'll be fine. The
only thing I'm interested in is the
care of the child and I can tell
she needs some.
Oh, yeah? How do you figure that?
Shouldn't I be discussing all this
with the father?
Well, listen, Mrs. Fretsaw, umm...
Bretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.
Right... Bratsnot, lemme tell
you something. With a child you
always know who the mother is,
but the father -- that's another
kettle of fish. So don't give me
that bullshit, okay?
Very well. I won't discuss it any
further with you. Will you please
show me where the kitchen and the
So I can make you a list of the
things we need.
What do you mean, make you a list?
-- Don't you do the shopping
No shopping or laundry or
housekeeping. I am a professional
We have plenty of everything.
Do you have a sufficient amount
of fruit and vegetables for the
She only eats milk and cereal.
That's not enough, sir. From
the age of three months children
should be started on a normal,
Oh that's bullshit. You don't
feed a baby like an adult.
Oh, really? And how would you
I've read plenty of books. The
diet recommended by those quack
pediatricians today is way too
rich. I'm in favor of natural
methods, Mrs. Breathmint.
Bretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.
For instance, if a child is having
trouble getting to sleep, what
would you do?
Depends, if it was a continuing
problem, I might recommend a
I knew you'd say something like
that, you jerk!
Fine. Anything you say, sir.
Let me just remind you that I have
my diploma and that medicine is
a serious matter.
Do you know the song that goes
'Medicine's a whore and the
pharmacist is her pimp'?
No, I don't. We must listen to
different music. Personally I'm
very fond of opera.
Mrs. Breakballs, if you don't
get out of here right this minute
I'm gonna punch you in the nose!
This is my home, now get out!
The name's Bretsaws. I am
blessed with infinite patience
when it comes to children, sir,
but I'm not qualified to deal
with lunatics. Goodbye and
Mrs. Bretsaws grabs her suitcase and exits, dignified
and stiff as a broom, slamming the door behind her.
102 INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON 102
Michael and Jack are sitting at the table.
What did I tell you? Ten
minutes to the second!
103 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING 103
Okay, listen, you guys... I've
tried everything and nothing's
working: my mother's off on a
cruise; Mrs. Razzolini won't
speak to us ever since the whole
business with the cops -- we don't
want to involve any of our
girlfriends; Sylvia's taking it
easy in Europe and there's no
way she's gonna come back now
that Michael went and told her
everything's just fine and dandy.
Peter did a terrific job getting
rid of Mrs. Bretsaws, and all
that's left are the daycare
centers, but Peter's positive
they're a breeding pit for A.I.D.S.
So you tell me: What are we
suppose to do? You want me to
split with the kid? Or dump her
in an orphanage?
play the violin)
Here we go.
Look, her mother'll be back in
less than five months. Let's not
waste a shitload of time looking
for a solution for such a short
time. Let's get organized.
What do you mean, organized?
Well, you'll have to ask to fly
the New York-Washington shuttle
for five months, on account of
serious personal problems.
What? Never! I'd rather be a
Then dump her in an orphanage,
'cause there's no way we're gonna
take care of her all by ourselves
Come on, stop arguing, you two!
Jack, you're going to have to
ask to do the New York-Washington
That way, you can do the 6-10 A.M.
shift. That amounts to two bottles
and two diaper changes. You do
the shopping when you get home in
the evening and that's all. Peter,
you'll take the 6-10 P.M. shift.
That's two bottles and two diaper
changes, her bath and her laundry.
Since I work at home I'll take
the longest shift from 10 A.M. to
6 P.M. I'll take her to the park
for an hour, but that's it. No
shopping, no cooking, no cleaning.
What if she gets up at night?
Whose shift is that?
Well... I thought you might do
Not a chance! I'm not doing the
night shift. I absolutely refuse.
I have too much work to catch up
on for the competition.
Well, needless to say I refuse,
Listen to me, you selfish bastards!
My shift is eight hours in a row.
No way I'm gonna do nights too.
After 6 P.M. she can scream all
she wants, I don't give a shit.
You know, Jack, you're a real
slime ball! We give you the
easiest shift: the morning. She's
always in great shape in the morning,
isn't she? We've got to work like
crazy to save our jobs and you
have the nerve to refuse nights.
Goddamit, she's your daughter.
Are you that horny?
Hey, horny yourself! I don't
give a shit. I don't need you
guys. I'll find some other way
to do it. And I won't take the
New York-Washington shuttle!
He exits, furious.
104 INT. CHARTER COMPANY - DAY 104
Jack is coming out of an office that says "EXECUTIVE
OFFICES." He is grim and sullen-looking. He runs into
his friend Paul, who jumps three feet away to avoid a
potential mishap with Jack.
Hi, Jack, something wrong?
Oh, hi... Nah, nothing's wrong.
What were you doing in the boss's
I was asking to do the New York-
Washington shuttle for a few
Oh, and he said 'no,' huh?
As a matter of fact, he said
Paul backs up against the wall, protecting his face
with his arms. Jack leaves, disgusted. Paul watches
him go, totally confused.
105 INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT 105
Jack is sitting on his bed, wearing a dressing gown.
He's got a sleeping Mary in his arms. The basket is on
the floor beside the bed. Jack attempts to put Mary back
in her basket but she shudders and he immediately sits
back down again and doesn't move. Mary falls back asleep.
Jack looks at her skin, her hands. Very gently, he
kisses her forehead. Mary smiles in her sleep.
106 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - MORNING 106
Michael is working at his drafting table. Jack rushes
in, wearing his uniform, ready to go out.
Okay, I'm off. She's well fed
and she's sleeping now.
We hear MARY CRYING.
Shit, she's crying. I'll go
pick her up...
Peter passes him in the corridor. He, too, is ready to
go out to his office.
Let her cry, she's just trying
to get to sleep, she'll stop in
a couple of minutes.
No, she needs to burp -- I've
gotta rock her for a little...
I'm telling you, the more you
pick her up, the longer it'll
take her to get to sleep.
Thanks for the advice -- now why
don't you just shove it? I know
you let her scream for hours but
(in a state of
I never let her scream for hours!
You'd resort to any theory to not
take care of her. Just because
you've read some books...
Can you believe what he just
said to me... I read those books
It's not your shift, anyway.
Piss off, will ya?
Come on, guys, cool it! It's my
I'll rock her for a few minutes...
... and then I'll put her right to
bed. So off to work, both of you.
He pushes them both out.
1076 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 107
It's noon, the sun is shining brightly. Michael is
diapering Mary on her changing table. She's naked.
He tickles her, bites her toes, neck and ears; she
bursts out laughing. Michael is totally gaga over her.
Coochie, coochie, coo... woo,
woo, woo... bippity, boppity
Peter comes rushing into the apartment and runs toward
his room. He stops short in the corridor -- he hears
Mary's laughter and Michael's coochie-coo's.
Noiselessly he tiptoes over to the living room door and
listens, troubled. Then he walks away and shouts, as
though he were just coming out of his room.
Hi, Michael, I just came back
to get a file I forgot...
Michael stops his baby-talk immediately, as though sud-
denly paralyzed, embarrassed, guilty. Peter enters the
Well, I guess I'll be going now.
(not moving either)
They're both uneasy.
The baby okay?
108 INT. BATHROOM - EVENING 108
Peter enters the bathroom. He's carrying Mary, who's
naked and wrapped in a towel.
Peter carefully locks the door behind him. He removes
Mary's towel and sits her in her little tub, filled
with warm water.
Mary quivers as she comes in contact with the water.
Peter kneels down and very gently pours glasses of water
on her shoulders and head. The water streams down her
face. She blinks and laughs. Peter whispers lovingly
to her in a barely audible, very low voice. Mary
stares at him.
109 SAME SCENE - MONTHS LATER 109
Peter is wearing a different suit and Mary is almost
one-year-old, with a lot more hair on her head, and
able to sit up a lot better.
110 INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT 110
Although it is dark, we can distinguish in Jack's bed
a rather bulky shape, which is moving around under the
comforter and doesn't exactly seem to be sleeping...
Suddenly, from the direction of the living room, we can
hear MARY CRYING. Jack emerges from under the comforter
and switches on the light: he has a female guest in
his bed, a pretty BRUNETTE this time.
Shit, she's crying...
Nothing, nothing. I'll be right
He gets up, slips on a bathrobe and goes out of the
bedroom, carefully closing the door behind him. He
goes into the living room, picks Mary up, and showers
her with kisses.
Mary stops crying immediately and lays her head on
Jack's shoulder, sucking her thumb. Jack rocks her
for a moment then puts her back to bed.
Mary instantly starts crying again. Jack very quickly
picks her up again and kisses her. Mary is delighted
by his tenderness. Jack puts her back to bed again.
Mary cries again.
It' beddy-bye time now, honey,
beddy-bye, don't cry, sweetheart...
Mary keeps crying, Jack picks her up again. Peter and
Michael in their pajamas, their faces swollen with
sleep, enter the living room.
(in a soft voice)
Yeah, every time I try to put
her back to bed...
Maybe she's thirsty?
No, her back teeth must be
starting to bother her...
What should I do?
I've bought some stuff for her
He rubs some of the medication on Mary's gums.
Try and put her back to bed;
Jack puts Mary back to bed. Michael, as a routine,
sings a major chord, giving each of them their notes.
They start singing a lullabye in three-part harmony,
as they lean over the crib. Mary is in seventh heaven.
She looks up at them, she stops crying, she sucks her
111 INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT 111
The Brunette is listening to the male chorus, totally
This guy's totally whacko.
She gets up, slips on a T-shirt, and exits the bedroom.
She stops at the door to the living room and contemplates
the three men who are singing earnestly around the crib.
(in a loud voice)
Hey, choir boys, you gonna keep
it up all night?
Peter and Michael stare at her, scandalized. Jack
gestures wildly to her to shut up and go away.
Oh my God! There's a baby in
there! I'm sorry...
She goes back to Jack's room.
Who the hell's that broad?
Watch your mouth, will you? I'm
in love with that young lady.
Can't she speak softly like
Listen, at night I'm in charge.
So get off my back, will you?
Will you quit fighting all the
time? She just fell asleep, for
Oh, Michael, go to hell! I'm
sick and tired of your little
'Father Knows Best' number!
Yeah, you're right, I'm fed up
with it, too!
Okay, that's it. Into the
He exits, furious. Peter and Jack follow after him.
Fuming, they file one after the other down the corridor
past the stunned Brunette in her T-shirt who was waiting
for Jack by the door to his room. The three guys close
the kitchen door and start yelling at each other. They
all talk at once.
I've had it with you assholes! I
won't be the buffer between you
I didn't ask you to get up, I know
what I have to do.
I don't mind getting up, that's
not the point...
I'm not a punching bag! You
If I can't bring a girl back here
anymore, just say so. And I'm gone.
I'm outta here. With Mary.
You can bring whoever you want as
long as they speak softly like
One thing I know: I can't goddamn
wait till Sylvia gets back!
Yeah, you can say that again!
And again, and again, and again...
Meanwhile, the Brunette has put her clothes back on and
gathered up her belongings. Now she enters the kitchen.
Sorry to disturb you guys, but
I'm splitting. I didn't come
here to be a bedwarmer. 'Bye.
(running after her)
No! Wait, please don't go... it's
all over now, I'm coming back to
(at the front door)
You're very nice, but I don't
feel like it anymore now. Some
other time, okay? 'Bye.
She kisses him goodbye and leaves.
Jack is very depressed.
112 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 112
Peter, Michael and Jack have guests over for dinner.
CLASSICAL MUSIC, a very fancy table, candles: they're
at the tail-end of the dinner, before dessert. Everyone
is very fashionably dressed.
Natalie is sitting between Peter and Carl. Jay and
Jerry, Peter's partners, are also there with their wives.
Michael and Sophia are having a vehement discussion as
usual, Jack is between two gorgeous models: CHRISTIE
Have you seen the latest bi-annual
at the Whitney? Incredible! Have
you seen it, Peter?
No, I haven't had the time lately.
Ah... working hard on the
competition, are you? You may
as well throw in the T-square,
old friend, you haven't got a
I only wish he was working hard
on the competition, but
unfortunately, that's not the
Really? What's he doing then?
He's always so busy.
Maybe he's working hard on women!
Some people have to work really
hard to get anything!
Natalie bursts out laughing. Peter's about to respond,
but stops himself suddenly. In the b.g., a BABY can be
Peter, Jack, and Michael exchange glances. Jack rushes
out. The guests haven't heard anything.
Why do you always have to bring
Carl along with you?
Don't you like him?
Oh, c'mon -- I love him! Only,
I'd like to see you alone for
once, that's all.
He's extremely talented -- in
fact, I hate to tell you this,
but I think he and his group are
gonna win the competition.
Well, we'll see about that.
Jack returns to the table. Peter's eyes follow him
(in a low tone,
Did you give her something to
Oh, cut it out! No more for me!
I've had eight glasses!
(in a low tone, to
I tried, but she doesn't want
I do so want some, but if I have
anymore I'll pass out!
Save room for dessert -- it's a
three-tiered cake from Balducci's!
I love three-tiered cakes!
So what's it made of?
In the b.g., the BABY starts CRYING again.
Umm, it's made with whipped cream
and loads of nipples on top --
I mean, loads of... raspberries
... I'll be right back...
Peter rushes out of the room. Michael and Jack exchange
glances. The CRYING CONTINUES.
Are you saying that's not art? Are
you really saying that's not art?
Well, then, you explain what it is.
Well, it's... art. I'll be right
He gets up and goes out. Jack watches him.
Jack, tell me about those exotic
places, what is Caracas like?
(his mind elsewhere)
Well, actually... uh, lately I've
been to Washington a lot... and
uh... I'll be right back.
He gets up and goes out.
113 INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT 113
The three men are talking. Jack is holding Mary, whose
eyes are swollen with tears.
Try and put her back to bed...
I'm warning you, she'll scream...
I'm sure she's cutting a tooth...
From the living room, Christie's voice can be heard.
Yoo-hoo! What are you guys doing
in there? It's fucking boring
Oh shit -- the guests...
You two go... I'm staying with
her. It can't be worse than
listening to Carl.
That's not fair -- let's take Mary
And the hell with it.
114 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 114
The three men enter the living room; Jack is carrying
Oh, it's a baby!
Where the hell did that come
from? Wow! Is it a boy or a
girl? Who does it belong to?
So you've got a kid now?
Incredible! Does that come
from Balducci's? No kidding,
whose baby is that?
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like
you to meet my daughter, Mary.
Your daughter... your daughter...
You're kidding! Congratulations!
She's adorable! She looks just
like you... Oh, what a cute little
Overwhelmed by all the people, MARY bursts out CRYING.
(walking her back
Don't cry, Mary, don't cry...
There's too much noise.
He shuts the MUSIC OFF. MARY keeps on SCREAMING.
She's teething, that's why she's
Give her to me, I'll try and calm
Peter takes MARY on his lap. The SCREAMING CONTINUES.
Don't sit down -- it'll get worse.
You have to walk around.
Peter gets up and walks around. Jack and Michael,
standing, watch him walk.
MARY SCREAMS even LOUDER as Peter walks back and forth
in the room with her. The guests watch in uncomfortable
How long have you had this kid?
A few months...
Who's her mother, anyway?
She's in Europe, she'll be back
in a few days.
Does she always cry like that?
No, it's only because she's
teething, she's usually very
The guests remain silent.
(to break the silence)
You'd never think something so
small could make a noise so big.
MARY'S CRYING fills the room.
What if you just put her back to
Right -- she's just throwing a
temper tantrum, put her to bed...
We already tried...
It's her teeth...
Do you have any kids?
Yeah, but they're grown up now,
And do you have kids, too?
I said... and do you have kids,
No, we both have careers.
The guests remain silent, MARY CONTINUES to CRY.
So, do you think we'll get to
taste that three-tiered cake
Oh, nothing, nothing -- I was
just trying to liven up the
Gosh, my ears are ringing, I
can't hear anybody.
I must say, a crying kid is kind
of hard to take...
We were just saying that this
baby's conversation is actually
rather limited... and a touch
annoying. Don't you think?
Well, she's not the only one
with a limited conversation.
At least she has an excuse, she's
a baby! What's yours?
I frankly don't know what you
I mean, I've been listening to
your pompous drivel about the
latest trends for the last two
hours, and frankly, it's a crock
Come on, Peter, be nice...
Listen, go put the baby to bed
and you guys cool it, will you?
It's okay. I'm used to it.
Peter's always been a sore loser.
You motherfucker, get out of
here! Get out of my house right
now or I'll kick the shit out
of you! You snobbish scum-
Peter, cut it out!
Stop it, Peter. Give her to me,
I'll put her to bed...
No, I'll go.
(to all the
And you can all go fuck
yourselves! Go back to your
He exits with Mary. Jack, embarrassed, follows him.
(trying to recover)
Well... umm... How 'bout if I
get the cake now, okay?
Well. It seems our beloved hosts
are going to be busy playing
mother for a while, so if you'll
excuse me, I'll just slip away...
... Natalie, may I invite you to
spend the rest of the evening in
a more hospitable place?
(to the guests)
(to Jerry and
Is he out of his mind or what?
He was absolutely obnoxious.
up and tottering)
Hey, Caroline, I think we should
go, too. I don't feel so good...
I think I'm gonna barf...
Oh, God, no! Hold it back!
(starting to cry)
I wanna go home...
Okay, we're going...
(to the others)
Sorry... say goodbye to Jack
They exit. Christie is hanging on to Caroline.
Look, there's no point in our
staying any longer. I think
it's best we leave.
Tell Peter if was a wonderful
Can you drop me off near Soho
by any chance?
(to Jerry and
'Bye... Say goodbye to them
Sophia, Jay and his Wife exit.
Well, we might as well go, too.
I think the evening's over.
She gets up, so does Jerry.
Michael, very playful, comes back in carrying an
enormous three-tiered cake.
Ta-da! Will you look at this?
Is this a cake or what? Can
someone make a little room on
the table so I can... Are you
Yeah, we're beat.
Hey, where is everybody?
Well, the atmosphere wasn't
Sorry about the cake, Mike...
It looks great!
Oh, never mind, don't worry...
Jerry and his Wife exit. Michael is left standing there
with his cake. Jack comes in, full of beans.
Well, she's asleep at last! We
sang in har... Hey, where is
Gone. Can you make a little room
for me on the table to put the...
You mean they're all gone?
Yeah, all of 'em, hey, can you
make a little room for me to...
(going back out,
Peter! Peter, goddamit, get out
Peter comes back in with Jack.
They're all gone!
Who gives a shit, they're all
Hey, could you make a little
room for me on the table so
It's because of the kid. They
can't stand kids.
I can't stand kids either but
that's not a reason to leave!
Dipshits, they're all a bunch
of dipshits, every one of 'em.
Oh, fuck it -- I'm sitting down.
He sits down on a chair with the cake on his lap.
And did you hear Natalie: 'She's
throwing a temper tantrum, just
put her to bed.' What a pain-in-
the-ass that broad is!
Hey, you're the pain-in-the-ass!
First you dump a baby on us, then
you scare everyone away from the
I scared everyone aw... Just
cut the crap, will you? My whole
life is diapers, shuttles and
bottles. I do the graveyard shift,
I'm the one who never gets any
Listen, we all have two full-time
jobs! That's for sure!
And what about me? I'm a prisoner
in this house all day long, forget
about chasing ass, I haven't
gotten laid in six months. When
the hell is your friggin' Sylvia
gonna come back?
She's been gone for six months
and four days.
If she's not back by the end of
next week, I'm kicking her kid
You better give your goddam
Sylvia hell for this!
Don't worry, she's gonna get it
And you can tell her we have a
lot better things to do with
our lives than wipe a baby's
ass, goddamn it!
He exits. So does Jack. Michael is buried under the
three-tiered cake, unable to see around it.
Do you guys want some cake?
115 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 115
In her crib Mary is sleeping. She's beautiful, she
116 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 116
Mary is in her playpen, playing with a SQUEAKY rubber
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Peter opens it: standing there before him is a very,
very, young, gorgeous girl.
(bursting with joy)
Hello... I'm Sylvia, Mary's
mother. I've come to get her...
Oh, it's you... Wait, I'll go
He stands there, frozen.
How's Mary doing?
(as if he were
Fine, fine, she's doing great...
She's getting her back teeth
in lately, it's been a bit rough...
Can I see her?
Oh, yeah, sure, she's in there...
They both enter the living room. Mary stares at Sylvia.
When she spots Mary, Sylvia suddenly breaks down in tears.
Peter is dumbfounded.
I don't believe how much she's
Recovering, wiping away her tears, she walks over to the
Hello, Mary, hello my darling...
She picks her up, hugs her tightly, showers kisses on
her. MARY LAUGHS. Sylvia starts crying again.
How beautiful she is... Her hair
has grown... Look how much she
changed, I missed it all. I
missed her so much!
Peter, in a kind of daze, stares at Sylvia. Without
looking at Peter, she dries her eyes and tries to stop
I wanted to make life difficult
for Jack but I never thought I'd
miss her so much...
(still in a fog)
Oh, yeah... make life difficult
Is he here?
Is Jack here?
(snapping out of it)
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll go get him...
He exits like a sleepwalker and goes straight into
Michael's room. The latter is asleep.
Peter sits down on the edge of Michael's bed and gently
Michael, Michael... Sylvia's here.
Michael wakes up and looks at Peter.
117 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 117
Peter's giving Mary her bottle, Jack is carefully putting
all her stuff into a bag -- bottles, nipples, cereals,
In the doorway Sylvia, with reddened eyes, silently
Let's see, the five bottles,
the little bottles for water,
the strainer for her cereal...
... Do you have a blender?
For bananas and carrots and stuff.
It's time for her to start eating
No, I don't have a blender.
Okay, you can have ours.
He stuffs the blender into the bag.
Mary has now finished her bottle.
Do you want me to take her?
No, I have to burp her first.
With dexterity, he places Mary face down on his shoulder
and walks around in the kitchen, patting her on the back.
Here, could you give these to
Michael so he can pack them
with the clothes?
He hands two bibs to Sylvia.
Sylvia walks through the apartment, and stops in front
of Michael's room, where she looks strangely at the
changing table with its mattress, its pretty sheet, and
the baby's toilet articles.
Sylvia enters the living room.
Michael has spread all of Mary's clothes, neatly folded
and ironed on the couch. He is packing them in a big
Here are the bibs. Jack told me
to give them...
(taking the bibs)
Thanks... I put the woolen things
on the bottom and the diapers
and lighter things on top,
because you'll need those first...
(her mind is
Michael bustles about. Sylvia's gaze comes to rest on
the crib which stands imposingly in the middle of the
living room. Music boxes, little booties and stuffed
animals are hanging from the bars, and a pretty white
tulle frames the crib.
You'll have to come back and
get the crib later.
118 EXT. STREET - DAY 118
A taxi is there. Behind the wheel the driver sits
waiting. Sylvia is sitting in the back, on the side
nearest the sidewalk, and on her lap is Mary, whom
she's gently fondling.
On the sidewalk, beside the open trunk of the cab,
are all Mary's belongings: some bags, the playpen, a
stroller, the baby bathtub, the changing table, etc.
Peter is attempting to pack it all in the trunk. Michael
is handing the things to him.
Give me the playpen first...
Then where are you gonna put the
Just give me the playpen.
Need some help?
No, no thanks... I'd rather do it
Jack is standing beside the back door of the cab, leaning
over toward Sylvia, who is holding Mary. He is trying
unsuccessfully to sound angry.
You really screwed us over but
good -- you know that...
I know, I'm sorry.
Really. Our lives have been out
of control for the past six
Yeah, I bet... Actually, that was
kind of the point... But I'm the
one who really got screwed...
She starts to cry again.
Don't cry, c'mon... you're taking
her back now, it's great...
(wiping her eyes)
Yeah, it's great...
D'you have enough money? Can you
manage all right?
Yeah, sure... I'm not loaded, but
it's okay -- I'm working, I've
got modeling jobs lined up...
Do you have a boyfriend?
No. That's the last thing I need.
I've got my work. And now I've
She rubs noses with Mary.
Peter and Michael approach.
That's it, we fit it all in...
Okay, then... well, 'bye...
The three men are lined up on the sidewalk. Mary stares
at them, looking a little lost. They wave their hands
PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK
MARY LAUGHS and waves.
(with a big, sad
Okay, well, thanks again -- 'Bye!
PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK
The CAR STARTS up, pulls away, and disappears FROM VIEW.
Well, that's that!
Right... That's that.
They head back to their apartment building.
Oh shit -- I forgot to explain
about the cereal!
She'll figure it out by herself...
Yeah, she'll manage...
Now it's back to the good life
Sleeping late! Different women
every night! I can't wait!
Forget about the New York-Washington
shuttle! I'm off to Caracas!
And I'm gonna be able to get back
to work, so Carl better watch it
-- I'm gonna slaughter that
son-of-a-bitch! First with this
goddam competition... and then
And I've got six months' worth
of sex to catch up on with Cathy,
Nora, Frances, Susan, Barbra...
They have entered the elevator. The doors close. They
come out of the elevator, in front of their apartment.
...Christie, Paula, Sheila, Lisa,
Kimberly, Rhonda, Rebecca, Louisa...
But not necessarily in that order!
They enter the apartment and Peter walks on something
that lets out a TERRIBLE SQUEAK.
Oh, she forgot her squeaky
He picks it up and throws it onto an armchair.
119 EXT. LUXURY HOTEL - DAY 119
Jack takes a running jump and does a cannonball into
the pool of a luxury hotel somewhere in the world. He
splashes two girls who find it very funny...
120 EXT. STREET - DAY 120
Peter, with a bouquet of flowers, runs like mad down a
121 INT. ART GALLERY - DAY 121
Michael and Sophia are having a big discussion about
contemporary art in the midst of a sophisticated crowd
at an opening. Michael is vehement, gesturing wildly,
and so is Sophia. They're both talking at once, not
listening to each other, and enjoying it immensely.
122 INT. OFFICE - DAY 122
Peter, all out of breath, comes rushing into the office
where Natalie works. She is very surprised. He puts
the flowers down on her desk.
These are for you... I'm not
supposed to leave the office.
They think I'm in the bathroom.
So I can't stay. 'Bye.
He dashes back out. Natalie cracks up, laughing.
123 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY 123
Jack is running on the tarmac; he quickly mounts the
stairs to his plane as he waves a heartrending goodbye
to a young woman he's left behind in the airport. At
the top step, he bumps into another young woman: it's
love at first sight.
124 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 124
Michael is in bed. It's noon, the sun's shining
brightly, and a BLONDE is asleep beside him. Michael
is on the phone.
Peter? Yeah? What? Yow-ee!
Hooray! Terrific! That's
fantastic! I'll call Jack --
We're gonna celebrate tonight!
He hangs up. The Blonde is now awake.
They won! They won!
Peter. He won the competition!
Great! Who's Peter?
125 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING 125
Peter enters the apartment with Natalie.
A bunch of crepe paper streamers are hanging in the hall,
as well as posters with various things written on them:
PETER'S #1! CONGRATULATIONS, PETER! HURRAY, HURRAY,
Jack comes running in with a bottle of champagne, he
POPS the CORK.
Jack hugs Peter tightly as Michael comes in with glasses
and tries to catch the champagne that's flowing all over.
They all shout and go bananas celebrating.
126 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 126
Peter has his arm around Natalie's waist. She's a little
drunk. He kisses her and leads her into his room, clos-
ing the door behind him. Michael and Jack, who were
spying on them, tiptoe over to the door. They are
silently exulting over Peter's second victory.
127 INT. LOBBY OF OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 127
Michael enters a fancy building on 5th Avenue. He's
carrying a big portfolio and is full of beans.
In the lobby, he pushes the button for the elevator and
looks around absentmindedly.
His gaze suddenly freezes on something.
By the guard's desk he notices a stroller. Inside, look-
ing pretty bored, is MARY. Michael is overwhelmed.
He walks toward Mary and through the sea of people --
they exchange an intense look.
He looks around and suddenly sees Sylvia and two men
deep in discussion coming out of an elevator. Michael,
startled, runs and hides behind one of the elevators,
staring out wide-eyed.
Sylvia is dressed in a very chic, tight black suit, with
a veiled little black hat and spiked heels. One of the
men is carrying a bunch of cameras. They walk out
toward the front door, and Sylvia suddenly stops. She
seems to have forgotten something. She kisses them
goodbye and heads toward the elevator. Once she's out
of their sight, she turns and waits for them to leave.
When they're gone for sure, she rushes toward Mary and
showers her with kisses.
Here you are, my angel... Are you
okay, honey? Mommy's finished
now, you've been a very, very
Thanks a lot for looking after
Oh, she's been great!
She wheels the stroller over to the door and quickly
takes off her high heels, and her hat, and stuffs them
into a big bag. She takes out a pair of old shoes and
a comfortable jacket, and slips them on. She removes
the pins from her hair -- she looks like her normal self
She leaves, pushing the stroller out the door.
Michael stands frozen.
128 INT. HOTEL - NIGHT 128
Jack, in the corridor of a large modern hotel somewhere
in the world. He is full of energy and playful excite-
ment. He's with a few of his colleagues, both men and
women. They say good night to each other.
Everyone goes into his or her own room.
Jack's the last one, he goes into his room alone. His
smile drops. For a moment he stands there just looking.
He sits down on the bed: on the pillow is a little
chocolate Santa Claus with a card that reads "Merry
Christmas. The Marriott Hotels." Jack contemplates
129 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - NIGHT 129
Michael and Sophia, both in kimonos, are sitting in
front of the last bits of an elegant midnight supper,
in Michael's room. The bed in unmade.
Sophia, a glass of champagne in her hand, is yakking
away nonstop, like a real motor-mouth.
Michael, silent, is doodling on a paper napkin.
His pen is making little squares and circles; the circles
come together and start looking like a baby lying in a
Sophia is absorbed in her monologue.
Suddenly Michael realizes what he has drawn. He crumples
the napkin and throws it in the wastebasket. Sophia
hasn't noticed anything. Michael is bored stiff.
130 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 130
Peter comes home with Natalie. They take off their
coats. They look tired.
(in a bad mood)
Oh, my feet are killing me!
She takes off her shoes and collapses in the armchair in
the hall. There is a LOUD SQUEAKING noise.
She reaches underneath her and brings out a rubber
What the hell is this? Oh, it's
(tosses it away
and walks off)
... Oh, by the way, have you
heard anything about that kid,
you know, the one you had here
for a while?
Peter stares at the giraffe, horrified. He feels the
tears coming to his eyes. Grabbing the giraffe, he
hurls it with all his might against the wall.
131 INT. PLANE - DAY 131
Jack's in his plane, at the controls, waiting for
takeoff. He's daydreaming. His CO-PILOT comes in and
Hey, what's the matter with you?
Whadda you mean, what's the matter
Are you sick?
Me? No. I'm fine.
C'mon, Jack! Didn't you see
who we've got on board today?
Sure I did, why?
So it's the Rockettes, so what?
And you're just sitting there
Whaddaya mean, sitting there?
I happen to be getting ready to
fly this airplane.
Okay, forget it.
132 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 132
Jack, alone in his room, with his back to us, is facing
his full-length mirror.
He's looking at himself, with one fist on his hip and
the other hand clutching a half-empty bottle of scotch.
He observes himself and slowly turns around -- we can
now see him in profile. His hair is disheveled, he's
unshaven, and he's put a pillow underneath his sweater.
He's pregnant. He takes a big swig of scotch. The
DOORBELL RINGS. Jack walks away from the mirror. He
staggers dead drunk. But dignified, pregnant.
Jack opens the door. Standing there is Graton holding
a stuffed animal, a rabbit.
(out of it)
Don't you recognize me?
(in a total fog)
Wait... uh, no...
I'm the one who was tailing you...
Remember, in the park...
Oh, yeah, the park... the diaper
That's it, the diaper... But
don't worry. This isn't an
investigation, I left the force
four months ago, and anyway,
they've arrested the whole gang
since then... I just wanted to
ask you something...
Have you noticed? I'm pregnant.
Oh yeah, I see...
So, shall we go for a walk?
133 EXT. RIVERSIDE - DAY 133
Graton and Jack are sitting on a bench beside the East
River. Jack, still pregnant, has brought along his
bottle of scotch, and he takes a swig from it occasion-
ally. Graton has brought along his rabbit.
There's something I have to know...
Wouldn't you like to be pregnant?
What? Oh sure... maybe... no...
I dunno... Look, there's been
something bothering me for a long
You see, if I was God, and I could
create the world all over again,
here's what I would do: I would
create Adam from Eve's rib, not
the other way around.
That's an interesting idea...
Actually, I just wanted to ask
At least that way things would
have been clearer to begin with,
y'see. They wouldn't have made
us believe that somebody could
come out of our rib, y'know?
'Cause nothing ever comes out
of our rib, y'know? Ever. Only
out of our prick, and even then
... Everything still has to be
done after that.
That's for sure...
What we men know how to make is
planes, buildings, cars, and all
that stuff... It's useful, mind
It's driving me crazy! This thing
keeps going around and around in
And you know what, it's not even
like they wanted us to believe
it -- it might have been us who
wanted to believe it... But let's
face it, nobody comes out of our
(dives right in)
Was the dope in the diaper, yes
Still, that's hard to take, goddam
Was it in the diaper, or not?
The dope? It was in the diaper,
Oh, thanks a lot. I feel so much
better now. Here, this is a rabbit
for your baby.
(shakes both Jack's
Thanks again, 'bye, I'm so happy.
Graton goes off, floating on cloud nine.
with the rabbit)
But wait -- the baby's gone...
134 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING 134
Jack and Michael, slumped in their chairs, are having
breakfast. It's a gray day. It's POURING out.
Peter, bending over a bowl of steaming water, with a
towel over his head, is inhaling the steam. When he
looks up to speak, we see his swollen tear-streaked
fact, too playful)
Tomorrow, San Francisco!
Say hello to the Pacific for me.
(even more playful)
I'll be back the day after tomorrow.
(emerging from the
You'll be id a foul bood -- jet
lag really wipes out you dow.
Whaddya mean, now?
Yeah: you didd't used to give a
shit before, but dow it docks
(putting his head
back over the
How would I dow? 'Before,'
It doesn't knock me out at all...
Is there any jam left?
You eatig here todight?
No, I'm going to the movies
tonight with, uh... damn, I can't
remember her name...
Y'mean the Japanese one?
No, she's from Finland. Oh damn
it. What the hell's her name?
They've got such weird names...
Magdalena... no, Marianna... no
... oh, I can't remember -- anyway
it's Ma-something or other...
A sudden, weighty silence ensues.
This fuckig cold! I look like
I'b cryig all the tibe but I'b
dot -- it's just this dab cold.
He gets up and goes out.
135 INT. SYLVIA'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT 135
Jack, holding a bouquet of flowers and Graton's rabbit,
rings the doorbell of an apartment. On the door a card
reads "SYLVIA AND MARY."
A chubby YOUNG MAN with thick glasses opens the door.
Hi. Is Sylvia in?
No, she'll be back in a couple
of hours -- around midnight, she
Wanna come in and wait for her?
Sure... Why not?
He follows the Young Man in Sylvia's studio. It's very
messy. On the table there's a big heap of books and
papers. Mary, sitting on the floor, is wearing a diaper
and a sweater, but her legs are bare. She's playing
with an empty pack of cigarettes. She looks at Jack
with a serious, unruffled expression.
Sylvia doing okay?
I don't know -- I'm a med student.
I'm just babysitting. I only met
her a couple hours ago.
Oh, I see...
Silence. The Young Man sits down at the table and
immerses himself in his books.
Mary doesn't look up from her pack of cigarettes anymore.
Listen, on second thought, I
don't think I'll wait for her.
Just give her this when she gets
back, okay? And this is for the
Jack hands the bouquet and the rabbit to the Young Man,
who plops them down on a chair.
Sure, no problem.
He immerses himself again in his books.
Jack heads toward the door, then turns around.
Shouldn't the baby be in bed by
Yeah... I don't know... When I
put her to bed she cries so I
just let her stay up...
Don't you have any tights to put
on her legs?
Tights?... Well, it's pretty hot
in here anyway...
Jack gets out of there in a hurry.
136 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 136
Jack, in his pilot's uniform, is sitting on the living
room couch. Michael is standing before him.
You want me to call them?
But you've got to let them know!
No, I'm not going anywhere anymore,
I've had it with traveling. I
C'mon, I'll call you a cab, you've
still got time.
Don't you call anybody.
But the plane's s'posed to take
off in half an hour -- They won't
have time to replace you. This
is serious -- you'll lose your
job and you won't be able to pay
your share of the apartment
Jack takes off his pilot's jacket and throws it aside.
I'll be a dishwasher, I'll live
in a flophouse.
What the hell happened?
I'm not going, I told you; I'm
not going ever again. I'm sick
and tired of traveling, sick and
tired of broads. They all have
the same asses and I can't seem
to love them anyway. I can't
take another hotel room, and
swimming pools and trendy
restaurants! I want to know
what my life's all about. Do
you know what your life's about,
Michael has no answer to these questions. He leaves.
137 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING 137
Michael, wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon,
goes into Jack's room. The latter, lying on his bed,
is smoking and staring at the ceiling.
Come on, I made us a good dinner.
I bought some filet mignon and
Haagen-Dazs butter pecan. When
Peter comes back he'll cheer you
He's been here all day.
He has? I didn't hear him...
He's in his room.
Michael heads towards Peter's room. Jack feebly gets
up and follows him.
Michael knocks on the door. No answer.
Peter! Dinner's ready!
Still no answer. Michael opens the door: Peter's lying
face-down on his bed.
He's holding the rubber giraffe and sobbing. Michael
and Jack, dismayed, stare at him. Peter hides his face
in his arm.
Jack and Michael go to the kitchen and sit down to their
steaks, totally depressed.
138 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 138
The DOORBELL RINGS. A bare-chested Michael, in jeans,
drags himself over to the front door and opens it.
There stands Sylvia with Mary in her stroller.
Sylvia is a disheveled mess.
Is Jack here? 'Cause I'm a mess.
I can't handle it, I'm all alone...
Jack! Jack, c'mere for Chrissake!
'Cause my place is tiny, y'know,
and my schedule's insane -- and I
just finished four days of posing
and we ended up every day at...
Jack, bare-chested, comes in pulling on his jeans. He
stops short at the front door. Sylvia is about to cry.
Yeah, y'see, Jack, I just did
four days of posing...
And every day we finished at
three in the morning and since
Mary always gets up around 5:30...
Well, you can imagine how much
sleep I've gotten...
Yeah, of course, 'cause after
the 5:30 bottle it starts all
over again around nine...
And by the time I change her
and play with her a little, it's
already eight o'clock...
And then that's it -- you get
only an hour of sleep.
And the babysitters till three
A.M. -- all my money is sucked
down the tubes!
Plus they don't put the kids to
bed, they let them lie around
Oh, so the flowers and the
rabbit were from you...
I could have strangled that guy...
I mean it, I can't cope anymore.
My parents and I don't talk to
each other and anyway they live
in Texas, and the baby needs to
get out to the park...
Yeah, tell me about it! Finding
time to take her to the park
every day is a real bitch!
And I have to work, I need the
money to survive and anyway I
love my job...
A distraught Peter, bare-chested and in jeans, comes
running in from his room.
But to work I've gotta have
a babysitter, and to have a
babysitter I need to work,
so I run around all day...
... and I'm not sure I'm
taking good care of her...
Of course you're taking good
care of her -- we know what it's
like, don't cry, she looks great...
It's just 'cause I haven't slept
in four nights -- she must be
teething or something, I don't
know but I can't manage...
Don't worry, it's nothing, she's
cutting a tooth -- you just have
to put some stuff on her gums...
She pulled the same thing on us.
We lost all our friends in one
night -- on account of one tooth!
And just look at my face!
Nobody's going to want me to
model for them with the way my
face looks... And what'll happen
to me if they don't want me
But you're beautiful -- At your
age all you need is a good night's
sleep and you'll look like new.
Right, a good night's sleep --
Well, why don't you leave the
baby with us for a few days,
till you recuperate... I mean,
if you want.
We're old pros -- it's not a
big deal for us...
(blowing her nose,
wiping her eyes)
Really? I can leave her with
you for a little while?
Of course. Leave her with us.
Come back whenever you want.
Get some rest.
Sylvia, between two sobs, picks up a big bag beside her
on the doorstep.
I brought a couple of things
for her, just for a few days...
Michael eagerly takes the bag from her. It's followed by
a second, and then a third.
in his arms)
Is she hungry?
Yeah, it's time for her bottle
-- it's all ready in the bag...
I'll go heat up some water right
away. Would you like a cup of
Oh, okay, thanks...
Peter, carrying Mary towards the kitchen, is followed by
Jack and Michael with the bags.
Sylvia blows her nose and walks around aimlessly in the
In the kitchen the three men bustle about with the bags,
the bottle, the saucepan... They've swallowed all their
pride and are kissing Mary all over, on her neck, her
hands, her tummy. They're deliriously happy. Michael
takes some sheets out of the bag.
I'll go make up her bed!
He exits, and, once in the corridor, prances around,
leaping and dancing... He gets to the living room and
goes over to the crib: suddenly, he recoils and freezes,
a fearful expression on his face. Then he turns and
races back to the kitchen.
Hey, you guys -- come and see,
come and see!
Come see, I said.
Jack and Peter nervously follow Michael into the living
room. They stop short in front of the crib: There is
Sylvia, curled up in a fetal position, sucking her thumb
and sleeping like an angel.
The poor thing, she's really
She'll need two or three months
to recover, at least... Maybe
We could set up a room for her
A room for her and a room for
Then we could have four shifts
instead of three!
Yeah, but I don't think she'll
agree. She's got her own life
Yeah, she probably wouldn't want
to move here. She'd think we'd
jump on her any chance we could...
But we'd make a rule, she'd just
be 'one of the guys!'
She'll never want to...
So, I'll take the ten A.M. to three
P.M. shift... And I'll take every
other night... plus the walk in
the park in the afternoon before I
go to work... and we split the
rent equally... and I'll just be
'one of the guys'... deal?
PETER, MICHAEL, AND JACK
Mary suddenly comes in from the kitchen, walking unstead-
ily but determinedly. She's dragging Graton's rabbit by
its ear. She looks at the four of them and laughs her