Rev. 06/15/98 (Pink)
Rev. 07/01/98 (Yellow)
Rev. 08/28/98 (Green)
Rev. 09/03/98 (Goldenrod)
Rev. 10/07/98 (Buff)
Rev. 04/09/99 (Salmon)
WILD WILD WEST
Story by
Jim Thomas & John Thomas
Screenplay by
S.S. Wilson & Brent Maddock
and Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman
Based on the Television Series
"Wild Wild West"
REVISED FINAL DRAFT
May 14, 1998
WARNER BROS. © 1998
4000 Warner Boulevard WARNER BROS.
Burbank, California 91522 All Rights Reserved
Rev. 4/9/99
THE WILD WILD WEST
FADE IN:
A1 EXT. ALFALFA FIELD - NIGHT A1
A slight breeze gently sways the green and purple crop.
The CHIRP of CICADA is the only sound.
SUPERIMPOSE: 1868 - ST. TAMMANY PARISH, LOUISIANA
But suddenly the CHIRPING GETS LOUDER and LOUDER --
BZZZZZ! -- until we realize it's not the cicadas, but
a --
SWOOOSH! A lethal, razor-sharp DISC BUZZES up over the
horizon, swoops TOWARD the CAMERA and OUT OF FRAME!
The CAMERA SPINS AROUND to see the disc flying away,
chasing a man, THADDEUS MORTON, wearing a strange
metallic collar -- exhausted, horrified, about to die.
NEW ANGLE - MORTON
He looks over his shoulder, panting -- he's been running
forever.
MORTON
(mumbling)
Madman... Hideous spider... Run...
Run! Warn the President...
Morton zig-zags through a grove of trees, a desperate
attempt to avoid the horrible serrated disc. But the
ruse is futile. The disc goes straight through the
trees, slicing a path straight as the crow flies.
NEW ANGLE - OLD WAGON
dilapidated, broken down, weathering away in the field.
Morton runs around the wagon -- but the DISC BUZZES
straight through the sideboards! Wood shavings spit
everywhere! There's no stopping this thing.
NEW ANGLE - MORTON
running for his life -- stops, turns. He turns,
incomprehensibly mumbling, pleading for his life,
cowering.
MORTON
Noooooooo!!!!!
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 2.
A1 CONTINUED: A1
And the DISC SWOOSHES TOWARD the CAMERA -- BZZZZZZZ!
CUT TO:
BLACK
DISSOLVE TO:
NIGHT SKY FULL OF STARS - LOW ANGLE
A man leans INTO FRAME. This is GENERAL McGRATH. And
he's there to collect the silver death disc.
McGRATH
(to the unseen,
dead Morton)
And they says you scientists are
supposed to be smart.
1 EXT. DUSTY ROAD - LOW ANGLE - NIGHT 1
HOOVES THUNDER by. Then bouncing, skidding wagon wheels.
Up on the empty buckboard is a pair of murderous ex-Rebs.
As the Rebs pass a pint of whisky, lash the six-horse
team on, PAN WITH the wagon to see it's headed for...
2 EXT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 2
SALOON GIRL (O.S.)
The legendary Captain James West
and I finally got him all to
myself.
3 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 3
WEST is bathing with the beatiful SALOON GIRL.
WEST
That's right, sugar, and you
should feel free to treat him
just bad.
She moves in and kisses him, long and hard. West hears
the CLATTER of the APPROACHING WAGONS. He stops the
kiss and peeks out the knothole.
4 EXT. WAREHOUSE - WEST'S POV THROUGH KNOTHOLE - NIGHT
Down below, West sees the wagon with the Rebs.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 3.
5 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 5
WEST
(to himself)
General McGrath's boys. I thought
y'all was never gonna show up.
SALOON GIRL
Mister West, you wouldn't be here
workin' tonight, now would you?
WEST
No, no. 'Course not. Not tonight.
Would you be working if you were up
here with you?
SALOON GIRL
Good.
They start kissing again. He surreptitiously peeks out
the knothole, while continuing his kiss.
6 INT. FAT-CAN CANDY'S - NIGHT 6
This two-story, Victorian building across town is a
"gentlemen's sporting house" in name only. Drunken
roughnecks and ex-Confederate soldiers goose and maul
the rouged-up tarts.
AT BAR - WOMAN
shrinks back from the moronic ribaldry. The Toulouse
Lautrec lighting only accentuates her garish hair and
makeup, identifying her as a SOILED DOVE. A whore -- not
to put too fine a point on it. She's trying not to make
eye contact with two men seated at a table across the
parlor.
SOILED DOVE'S POV - GEN. McGRATH AND HUDSON
HUDSON is a fearsome-looking Indian in a well-tailored
suit. Long black braids descend incongruously from under
a homburg hat. As for his companion...
McGRATH is a mountain of drunken pus. Six foot, sweating
like a Devonshire hog with his tattered, undersized
Confederate dress jacket buttoned all the way to the top.
His ear has been hacked off and replaced by what looks to
be a miniature leather Victrola horn. McGrath smiles at
our Soiled Dove and makes a little kissing gesture.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4.
6 CONTINUED: 6
ANGLE ON SOILED DOVE
Eyes widened in revulsion. What evil abides in this
Godforsaken place? Now a drunkenly EYE-CROSSED REB
licks Dora's ear, then whispers something in it.
Something unspeakably vile, by Dora's expression.
DORA
I'm sorry. That won't be
possible. I have... tonsillitis.
7 EXT. WAREHOUSE - WEST'S POV THROUGH KNOTHOLE - NIGHT 7
The Rebs load the boxes onto the wagon. We see the wheel
of the wagon up against the rotted leg of the water
tower.
BIG REB
Pack'er up good, Virgil. Next stop
N'Orleans.
8 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 8
West is unaware that she's watching him, not watching
her.
SALOON GIRL
(admonishing)
Jim!
WEST
Ah, this hole is a safety issue.
I'm thinking, what if it starts to
rain and the water level goes up.
It could suck you right up. I'm
protecting you. (variations)
Saloon Girl frustrated, has grabbed West's boxer shorts
(with little horses on them) and plugs the hole with
them.
SALOON GIRL
Problem solved.
WEST
Belle, you don't just ram a man's
underbritches into a knothole.
You wanna plug the hole, you ram
your own britches in there.
West is at a loss. She moves in for another kiss.
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4A.
9 EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 9
The HORSES SPOOK as a crate is dropped onto the wagon.
CLOSE - AXLE
caught on the WATER TOWER LEG. It CREAKS.
10 INT. WATER TOWER - NIGHT 10
West hears the CREAK. He breaks the kiss.
SALOON GIRL
Oh, Jim.
WEST
(serious)
Much as I'd like to take credit
for that you might need to hand
me my gun...
The tower starts to topple.
WEST
... Hand me my gun.
It CRASHES...
CUT TO:
11 EXT. WAREHOUSE SKYLIGHT - NIGHT 11
West crashes down into the tarp covering the boxes. The
only people more shocked than he is are the guards and
the Rebs he just dropped in on. West picks himself up,
smiles coolly at the drenched slack-jaws.
WEST
Okay, who just made a wish?
Was it you?
He looks up at the freaked-out Saloon Girl, still in the
tank. She hangs on with one hand, the other hand
clutches his clothes.
WEST
I could sure use those clothes
now.
She responds by Frisbee-ing his hat down. West picks it
up, with a look... uses it to cover his genitals.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 4B.
11 CONTINUED: 11
BIG REB
Well, we got us a shy nig...
But he never gets that word out. Bang! West lashes a
lightning martial arts kick to the Reb's jaw.
WEST
Fought five long years with the
Union Army not to hear that word
again. And you boys lost,
remember?
As the other Reb comes at him, he spins, still holding
the hat in front of him... and whap! Down that one goes.
West looks up at the none-too-bright water tank woman.
WEST
How 'bout some pants!?
As she throws the rest of his clothes down in a heap...
5.
12 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 12
General McGrath checks a pocket watch, looks up
impatiently at the Indian, Hudson. His eyes drift
upwards... to the balcony where...
ANGLE ON UPSTAIRS BALCONY - TWO MORE EX-REBS
have come up back stairs lugging a heavy steamer trunk.
McGRATH
I'm still waiting on my guns and
ammo, but I see my men have
brought your merchandise.
McGrath subtly gestures with his eyes to the balcony for
Hudson to confirm. Hudson nods.
McGRATH
I had expected to be delivering it
personally to Mr...
Hudson quickly cuts him off before he can say the name.
The Indian speaks in a very precise King's English.
HUDSON
My employer, here in a brothel?
(a small ironic
smile)
That would be quite... redundant.
13 EXT. STREET - ON CARRIAGE - NIGHT 13
MOVE IN ON an elegant brougham driven by a very large,
very striking woman in livery.
As the carriage passes under the gas lamp, we can make
out the top-hatted silhouette of McGrath's "employer,"
DR. ARLISS LOVELESS. Clustered around him inside the cab
are three more beautiful women. As he strokes the cheek
of the ORIENTAL one with the back of his hand like a
cat...
14 INT. FAT-CAN'S - McGRATH AND HUDSON - NIGHT 14
HUDSON
You'll meet him when the time --
and place -- are appropriate.
Now...
(stands)
... shall we go upstairs to check
the 'merchandise'?
(CONTINUED)
6.
14 CONTINUED: 14
McGRATH
Frankly, Mr. Hudson, I wasn't
planning to walk those oaken
stairs with you. Direct me to the
poot, sir. Something young and
creamy. A gamer that takes to the
crop and spur.
McGrath looks to the singer (Rita), who beats a hasty
retreat from him after her song. So, once again, McGrath
lays his rheumy eyes on...
ANGLE ON SOILED DOVE
She's oblivious, more intrigued by the ex-Rebs on the
balcony with the trunk. As she starts for the stairs...
a man's hand grabs her. It's the Eye-Crossed Reb again.
EYE-CROSSED REB
You drive a hard bargain, lady.
All right, fifty cents to take
them big juicy lips and...
DORA
Still not interested.
She tries to pull away. But the Reb won't let go.
EYE-CROSSED REB
But you gotta be interested.
You're a whore.
Suddenly the coquettishness in the eyes becomes rage.
The falsetto becomes a baritone growl.
DORA
(baritone)
That doesn't mean a girl can't
have high standards.
Just as the Reb registers the odd new voice... wham! Her
corsage springs out and whacks him right in the jaw. The
Reb's eyes roll back... and he slumps to the ground.
Whooa, hoss... the Soiled Dove is a man! He's ARTEMUS
GORDON and his true profession will be revealed to us
shortly. But now, as he/she stashes the unconscious Reb
behind the bar, straightens bosom and wig...
15 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 15
West is trying to get dressed.
(CONTINUED)
7.
15 CONTINUED: 15
As he pulls on one leg of his pants, a guard lunges at
him with a knife. West hops up on one leg, smacks the
guy with a mule kick.
Now he puts his arm through his shirt sleeve. When the
hand emerges out of the cuff, it's balled in a fist --
which coldcocks the other guard.
WEST
Could I have a little privacy
here?
As if in response, the water tower, still hovering above,
now crashes to the floor -- obliterating his opponents.
WEST
Thank you.
He calmly looks up in time to catch the falling, naked,
screaming Saloon Girl in his arms.
WEST
You'll have to excuse me,
darlin'... but my evidence is
getting away.
West gallantly puts her down, jumps up, grabs the
overhead block and tackle system and slides through the
warehouse. As the HORSE TEAM, which has spooked,
THUNDERS past...
CLOSEUP - WEST
sails onto the runaway wagon. As he pulls himself into
the back, he gives the shivering Saloon Girl a tip of his
hat -- now on his head.
WEST
Sorry about there not being any
towels.
16 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 16
General McGrath leers down a line-up of Fat-Can's girls.
Just as he gets to the beautiful singer, who looks sick
at the thought, suddenly Gordon intrudes. He/she blocks
out the singer, poses coquettishly -- sucking a
lollypop.
McGRATH
What's your name, missy?
(CONTINUED)
8.
16 CONTINUED: 16
GORDON/DORA
(demurely; back to
his falsetto)
Dora. Would you like to go
upstairs?
McGRATH
Oh, indeedy I would.
Gordon/Dora starts to go as the Eye-Crossed Reb wakes up.
He grabs him/her, very pissed.
EYE-CROSSED REB
Hey, c'mere! Who the hell are you
anyway?!
McGRATH
She's... mine!
Blam! McGrath emphasizes his claim by gut-shooting the
Reb. The shot makes Dora/Gordon jump and the room go
quiet. As the Reb crumples, McGrath turns back to
Gordon/Dora, oddly inspired.
McGRATH
I feel like... a ditty!
GORDON/DORA
A ditty? But General...
(trying to be
coquettish again)
... my talents really lay
elsewhere.
McGRATH
Nothing stokes the fire in my
loins like a ditty.
McGrath hauls him/her over to the piano player.
McGRATH
You've got some pretty fair lungs
on ya, girl, now use 'em!
He punctuates with a slap to Gordon/Dora's rump. The
other singer (Rita) watches too.
17 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 17
Gordon/Dora is sweating. Reluctantly, he/she whispers
something to the piano player. He clears his throat and
begins singing.
(CONTINUED)
9.
17 CONTINUED: 17
GORDON/DORA
(weakly)
'Buy a drink for the boys
In the backroom for me...'
18 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - WILD WAGON RIDE - NIGHT 18
West spots the contents of an open box. Eyes widen.
CLOSE - BOX - DOZEN GLASS VIALS
stuck in sand. But clinking together ominously as the
wagon races over the cobblestones.
WEST
Backwards-ass bumpkins got a wagon
full of nitro...!
West tries to steady the glass vials with his hands...
but it's no use. He quickly climbs over the boxes, onto
the buckboard seat. But the reins are dragging on the
ground beneath the frothing horses.
West leaps onto the horses as the wagon careens down the
street. He pulls himself over the first one's neck...
onto the next horse. And as he tries for the lead horse,
he falls between them!
19 INT. FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 19
Gordon/Dora singing. He/she struggles through the song
in a very tough room.
GORDON/DORA
'And tell them I tried...
And tell them I cried...'
Just when it looks like the stone-faced rowdies might rip
him/her apart, McGrath starts tapping a mud-caked toe.
Encouraged, Gordon/Dora belts out the next verses OVER...
20 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - WILD WAGON RIDE - NIGHT 20
West's custom boots drag in the dirt as he's about to be
trampled under the hooves of the freaked-out horses. And
if he hasn't got enough problems, the lynch pin attaching
the team to the wagon has almost worked its way out.
CLOSE - BACK OF WAGON - NITRO VIALS
(CONTINUED)
10.
20 CONTINUED: 20
CLANKING together like chimes...
CLOSE - WEST
Straining with every ounce of strength in his body, he
pulls himself up by the harness onto...
CLOSE - WILD-EYED LEAD HORSE
West grabs for the halter.
WEST
Whoa now...!
But it doesn't whoa. The wagon goes around a corner up
on two wheels! It's about to tilt over when West grabs
both the horses' ears, yanks them back -- screaming into
them.
WEST
I said, whoa!!!
This approach seems to work.
21 EXT. RISE ABOVE FAT-CAN'S - NIGHT 21
The team comes to an abrupt stop... and with it the wagon
hanging over the edge of a steep drop.
Jim carefully climbs off. He slaps the dust on his
jacket, straightens the crease in his trousers. When he
looks up, a bitter smile.
WEST
Well, well, this is workin' out to
be a perfect day. My man...
HIS POV - VICTORIAN BUILDING - ACROSS STREET
The tasteful sign under the red light reads: "FAT-CAN
CANDY'S." And framed in the window, General McGrath with
his singing soiled dove.
WEST (O.S.)
... General Bloodbath McGrath.
11.
22 INT. FAT-CAN'S - CLOSE - McGRATH 22
McGrath is clapping with the crowd of misfits who are now
singing along with Gordon/Dora. He/she's won over the room.
GORDON/CROWD
(rousing finish)
And tell them I tried just the
same...!
He/she curtsies to rousing applause. McGrath beams like
a man with the fire in his loins roaring. He grabs his
little songbird and up the stairs they go.
Out the WINDOWS, we see West tracking them. Simul-
taneously going up outside steps.
23 INT. FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS - GORDON/DORA 23
leads the sweating, leering General down the hall.
He/she quickly opens and closes boudoir doors --
ostensibly to find a free room for their assignation.
The real agenda is to find the mysterious trunk.
ANGLE ON DOORWAY #1
Quick peek. He/she registers a mild reaction of shock.
Closes that door and moves on to...
ANGLE ON DOORWAY #2
Quick peek. The two rebs sitting on the trunk. At their
feet is a wriggling burlap sack. The "merchandise" is alive.
Gordon/Dora giggles like a schoolgirl.
GORDON/DORA
Well, that's a new one.
McGrath slams the door, drags Gordon/Dora roughly...
24 INT. BOUDOIR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 24
Our soiled dove has her back to the door as if steeling
herself for the task at hand. McGrath beckons her over
to the bed.
McGRATH
Don't let the ear scare you. I
lost it at Chickamauga.
Gordon/Dora squints at the jerry-rigged ear.
(CONTINUED)
12.
24 CONTINUED: 24
GORDON/DORA
Oh really. One can hardly
notice...
(fiddles with her
belt buckle)
Would you mind...? I... I...
can't seem to release the clasp of
my belt.
Say no more. McGrath is on her like a flash, fidgeting
with it. But it pops open, revealing a spiraling screen
courtesy of Dr. Mesmer. His eyes lock onto it.
McGRATH
Wha... what's this?
GORDON/DORA
It's a deep, deep pool. Maybe
your old swimmin' hole. Getting
sleepy, General?
McGRATH
(ga-ga)
Yes, I'm sleepy.
McGrath sits on the floor. Gordon smiles... this is
gonna be easy.
GORDON
(normal voice)
Good. You're going to be my
little doggy. And when I say
'speak,' you tell me everything I
want to know. Understood?
McGRATH
(barks)
Woof!
GORDON
All right, little doggy. Sit up.
(as he does)
Now tell me who's in the sack next
door. Is it the scientist, Dr.
Escobar? Speak!
McGRATH
Woof! Woof!
GORDON
Speak words, dumb doggy! Tell me
the name of the man you kidnapped
him for...
(CONTINUED)
13.
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
But McGrath doesn't answer. Gordon's Mesmer spiral slows
to a stop. McGrath is coming out of the trance. McGrath
starts to growl, rip at his/her petticoats.
GORDON
Watch the swirling spiral! Lie
down, bad dog!
As Gordon notices that his contraption's failed...
25 OMITTED 25
26 INT. FAT-CAN'S - BOUDOIR - GORDON/DORA 26
is busy trying to get the spiral going again, doesn't see
McGrath reach for his boot knife. Just as the deranged
general's about to plunge it into Gordon/Dora...
... the WINDOW EXPLODES. Jim West comes tumbling into
the room, kicks the knife out of McGrath's hand in one
smooth move. West rolls to his feet, fixes a gallant
smile on Gordon/Dora.
WEST
Didn't mean to startle you, ma'am.
Looked like you could use some
help.
It takes Gordon a moment to recover. He stares at this
black Samaritan, obviously having no clue who he is.
GORDON
(clears throat to
recover falsetto)
Looks can be deceivin'... dark
stranger. I am perfectly fine.
West quickly pats McGrath down, removes a revolver and
his bag of gold coins.
WEST
I can see that, darlin'. Woman of
your caliber probably gets top
dollar, too. So here you go.
(flips her McGrath's
coin bag)
You can run along. I'll take care
of McGrath.
As West sticks the barrel of his gun in McGrath's
gramophone ear, Gordon's eyes pop.
(CONTINUED)
14.
26 CONTINUED: 26
GORDON/DORA
No! I need him!
WEST
C'mon, lady. You got the money.
Have a little dignity.
Gordon jerks West's gun hand away from McGrath's head
just as the dog-soldier comes around. McGrath suddenly
lunges at him.
McGRATH
(bellows ferociously)
West...!!!
He drives his full weight into Jim's back, pushing him out
into...
27 INT. FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL 27
McGrath's rebel yell brings help from all directions.
DOORS BANG open all along the hallway. Not just
McGrath's men, but Hudson and his crew. A melee will
ensue.
West pushes the monster off of him, rolls as a BULLET
SPLINTERS the WOOD where he just was. The SHOT STARTS...
ANGLE - STAMPEDE OF SEMI-CLAD WHORES
all screaming hysterically and heading for the exits.
The beautiful young singer, who'd been coming up the
stairs alone, is now swept back down them.
Gordon, still in character, pushes his way upstream to the
room where the scientist is held.
28 INT. FAT-CAN'S - ADJACENT ROOM - NIGHT 28
Hudson, his back turned, barking orders at his henchmen.
HUDSON
Get Escobar out of here!
The henchmen heft the wriggling sack, when:
GORDON (O.S.)
Leave him right there.
(CONTINUED)
15.
28 CONTINUED: 28
Hudson whirls to see the gruff-talking Gordon/Dora holding
the perfume bottle on him like it's a Colt 45. Now Gordon
shakes one of the heavy bracelets off his wrist, CLICKS a
LOCK, snapping it open. He's accessorized with custom
handcuffs.
GORDON
Let's go, Hudson... hands!
Hudson gives a sick little smile, reaches for his gun
when... WSSSSHT!
Gordon sprays him in the eyes with the second bulb of the
atomizer. (The first Mace!) Hudson howls in pain, drops
the gun, rubs his eyes madly with both hands.
GORDON
Thank... you.
Gordon starts to snap the cuffs on the perfectly
presented wrists when...
29 FAT-CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL - WEST - NIGHT 29
brawling a dozen attackers. West spots McGrath trying to
escape down the stairs. He uncorks a lethal kick, sending
a thug flying through the doorway and into the back of
Gordon.
Gordon staggers, drops the perfume/mace BOTTLE which
SHATTERS. Hudson recovers his vision enough to send a
fist into Gordon's mascaraed face, pile-driving him back
into the hall. While Hudson and his men make their
escape down the back stairs with the scientist sack...
CLOSE - WEST AND GORDON
West is blocked from chasing McGrath, Gordon from going
after Hudson. West tries to push her aside.
WEST
U.S. Army... Now get outta my
way, lady!
GORDON
(the baritone
growl)
I'm no lady! I'm a U.S. Marshal!
You get out of my way!
Gordon whip off his wig, reaches inside it for something.
West blinks at the weirdness, reflexively draws his Colt.
As Gordon withdraws not a gun, but a badge, from his
wig...
16.
30 EXT. RISE ABOVE FAT CAN'S - CARRIAGE - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 30
is waiting at the top of the hill beside the nitro wagon.
Dr. Loveless is beside it, face still shadowed.
INSIDE CARRIAGE - FAIR-SKINNED BEAUTY
has opera glasses trained on the second story of Fat-
Can's. Her name is LIPPENREIDER. And now we'll see why.
LIPPENREIDER
(in a monotone)
Get out of my way... get out of my
way... U.S. Army... U.S. Marshal.
LOVELESS
Oh, dear...
The lip-reading is interrupted by the arrival of...
ANGLE - TOP OF INCLINE - HUDSON AND HIS HENCHMEN
who come racing up with the scientist-in-the-sack.
HUDSON
Federal agents inside, sir!
LOVELESS
So Miss Lippenreider informs me.
(sighs)
Still, I believe good manners
dictate we should send out...
His cane telescopes out and Loveless pokes the lynch pin
out of the harness on the nitro wagon. Then he gives the
wagon the slightest push.
LOVELESS
... the welcome wagon.
Once started, the wagon rolls downhill, toward the back
door of Fat-Can Candy's, picking up speed...
Then, as his female coterie pulls the burlap sack into
the carriage, Loveless steps in behind. And they're off.
31 INT. FAT CAN'S - UPSTAIRS HALL - NIGHT 31
West and Gordon, oblivious to the impending disaster...
WEST
So now what...?
(CONTINUED)
17.
31 CONTINUED: 31
The answer is provided as the NITRO WAGON hits
downstairs.
KABOOOOOOM!!! THEME MUSIC UP... as we roll...
32 MAIN TITLES 32
The titles are the familiar animated freeze frames from
the TV show. In the two corners are our heroes -- Upper
left shows West with his gun levelled toward... upper
right -- Gordon with his wig in one hand and his badge in
the other, pointed across toward West.
The cowboy/agent in the middle square fights and defeats
the various bad guys. Then as he exits, QUICK ZOOM ON
main title: "THE WILD WILD WEST."
PAN DOWN TO a sketch of a train caboose as TITLES END...
33 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY (1869) 33
West rides his magnificent black stallion down
Pennsylvania Avenue.
Besides horse-drawn carriages, West shares the dusty road
with people on bicycles -- the latest craze. He finally
pulls his steed up at his destination...
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
West dismounts, ties his horse to a hitching post and
winces as he puts his weight on a sore leg.
34 INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY 34
West limps past black floor scrubbers. They stop working
to marvel at this handsome black man dressed in custom
cowboy duds walking in there like he owns the place.
But not everybody's so impressed. As West heads toward
the Oval Office, four self-important house detectives
block his way.
HOUSE DETECTIVE
Whoa there, 'pardner.'
(as West stops)
Winning the war may have got you
forty acres and a mule, but you
can't just traipse into the
President's office. Now gimme
that gun.
(CONTINUED)
18.
34 CONTINUED: 34
He nods at the six gun on West's hip. West coolly flexes
his hand above it, like he's about to draw...
WEST
This gun?
Then like lightning, with his other hand, he whips out a
sawed-off shotgun hidden by his jacket. He pokes the
12-gauge barrels up against Pinkerton's surprised crotch.
WEST
Or this one?
A voice stops the situation from escalating further.
PRESIDENT GRANT (O.S.)
Gentlemen!
The detective's head swivels around to see...
ANGLE - OVAL OFFICE DOOR - PRESIDENT GRANT
stands in the doorway.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Don't make Captain West any later
for his appointment than he
already is!
The detectives back away from the hair-trigger cowboy as
fast as they can. West reholsters the gun and
continues...
35 INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE 35
President Grant goes over to his desk, lights a cigar.
Backlit in the haze, the portly bearded figure lives up
to the myth.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Been a lot of death threats lately
... Cabinet made me hire some damn
detectives.
(by way of apology)
Drink, cigar?
WEST
Thank you, sir.
West limps across the room to the bar, pours himself a
glass of whiskey, takes a cigar out of the humidor.
(CONTINUED)
19.
35 CONTINUED: 35
PRESIDENT GRANT
I hear you let General McGrath
get away?
Now West's blood is up.
WEST
Sir, I had him right in my hands
when some half-a-sissy wearin' a
dress ruined...
PRESIDENT GRANT
(cuts him off)
Artemus Gordon.
WEST
You... know him?
PRESIDENT GRANT
Of course I know him, he's the
best marshal I've got! He's a
genius.
(off West's
incredulous look)
Gordon has proven himself time and
again as a very cunning operator
with a rapacious intellect.
Nothing will stop him from
completing a mission for his
President... except the impulsive
actions of a headstrong cowboy!
West just looks at him soberly. Draws his gun and
places it against the President's head. Grant's eyes
widen.
WEST
Who are you?
PRESIDENT GRANT
I am the President of the United
States!
West points the GUN to the ceiling and pulls the trigger.
BLAM!!! As Grant jumps a foot and plaster rains down...
WEST
Wrong answer. Who are you?
PRESIDENT GRANT
I am the President of...
(as West cocks gun)
... I'm Artemus Gordon.
(CONTINUED)
20.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
West lowers his gun, nods at Gordon's class ring.
WEST
The President went to West Point
... not Harvard.
PRESIDENT GRANT (O.S.)
Will somebody tell me what the
hell this stunt is all about!?!
36 INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - SIDE DOORWAY - 36
PRESIDENT GRANT - DAY
(the real one) stands in the doorway, hands on hips,
surrounded by his house detectives -- their guns drawn.
West nudges the fake Grant in the fake belly with his gun
barrel -- go ahead. Sheepishly, Gordon starts peeling
off his primitive, but effective, facial prosthetics.
GORDON
Sir, in perilous times like these,
I was simply illustrating how
someone impersonating you could
actually walk right into the very
bowels of the White House...
Just as Gordon makes his intestinal allusion, West takes
a ceremonial bayonet off Grant's desk and pokes a hole in
the inflated bladder that was his fake paunch. The AIR
HISSES out, finishes deflating with a flatulent R-R-RIP.
(Hey, the first whoopee cushion?)
Gordon scowls at him.
PRESIDENT GRANT
You're clever, Gordon. One day
it'll get you killed.
West smirks as Grant looks up at the bullet hole in the
ceiling, then fixes West with a disapproving eye.
PRESIDENT GRANT
... And you, West -- not every
situation calls for your patented
approach of shoot first, shoot
later, shoot again -- then when
they're all dead, try to ask a
question or two.
(shakes his head)
Working together will be good for
both of you.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 21.
36 CONTINUED: 36
WEST AND GORDON
But, sir, I work...
PRESIDENT GRANT
You work the way your Commander In
Chief tells you to work.
Grant turns and EXITS FRAME.
37 INT. WHITE HOUSE - WAR ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION - DAY 37
The place is a buzzing intelligence operations center --
state-of-the-art for the 1860's. Maps of the U.S. and
the world are on the wall. Various staff and military
people work CLACKING TELEGRAPHS, PRINTING MACHINES that
GRIND out reports, etc.
Grant stops at a display of daguerreotype photos, all
depicting distinguished bewhiskered men.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Ten of our country's best
scientists... all kidnapped in the
last year. By General McGrath, it
now seems.
(turns to them)
The fact is, gentlemen, you've
both been working on the same
case all along. Why did it take
you so long to realize it?
WEST
Well, sir, one of us was still
trying to figure out if he was a
man or a woman.
The detectives snicker over that one. Grant's had
enough.
PRESIDENT GRANT
I don't have time for this
bickering! One week, if we're to
believe this...
Grant holds out a letter to Gordon and West. Gordon
snatches it, reads:
PRESIDENT GRANT
(reading)
'General Grant, the scientists
that you seek are in my employ --
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 21A.
37 CONTINUED: (A1) 37
PRESIDENT GRANT (CONT'D)
-- Creating a weapons system
beyond the pale of contemporary
imagination. History and justice
are on my side. I suggest you put
your affairs in order. You have
one week before you will surrender
the U.S. Government.'
(CONTINUED)
22.
37 CONTINUED: 37
PRESIDENT GRANT
This letter was delivered inside
this.
An aide presents a glass case. Inside is a cake in the
shape of the White House.
GORDON
(reaching inside)
Marzipan, isn't it?
PRESIDENT GRANT
(grabs his hand)
Wait!
Suddenly dozens of deadly-looking spiders swarm out from
inside the cake. Gordon jerks his hand back.
WEST
It's McGrath, sir. The South is
rising again. I'm gonna stop it.
GORDON
Sir, West's obsession aside,
McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not. So
whom do we seek? After consulting
with Intelligence...
WEST
(cuts him off)
McGrath's headed for New Orleans.
The longer we stand here talkin',
the farther away he gets. I don't
need 'Intelligence' to tell me
that.
GORDON
Ah, so that would mean you rely on
... Stupidity?
Grant's had enough.
PRESIDENT GRANT
Gentlemen! I'm leaving today for
Utah where the transcontinental
railroads will be joined at
Promontory Point.
Grant points to a map of the United States. The railroad
lines have been drawn in... still a gap between them.
(CONTINUED)
23.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
PRESIDENT GRANT
For the first time the United
States will truly be united.
(turns, holds up
letter)
Someone wants us divided. Now
look, you two are the best I've
got. Put aside your differences
and stop this madman... whoever he
is. If you fail, well... we may
never know how great this country
could've been.
(snaps off a salute)
You have a week. Dismissed!
They both return Grant's salute as the President stomps
off. His AIDE now approaches.
AIDE
The President has put a private
train at your disposal. Engine
number five, track six.
(holds out a
wrapped box)
Mr. Gordon, the item you
requested.
Gordon takes the box, hurries to catch up with West.
38 EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY 38
West and Gordon, walking toward the hitching post. West
is so beside himself he can barely untie his high-voltage
stud. He glowers at Gordon who goes over to where...
ANGLE - STRANGE-LOOKING BICYCLE
Is parked on the other side of a bush. It has the
customary big wheel in the front, little wheel in the
back. (Hidden from sight is a motor on the front tire.
Dual manifolds that sling under the rider's legs.)
West shakes his head in disgust.
WEST
Figures.
GORDON
I call it the Bi-axle Nitro-
Combust...
(CONTINUED)
24.
38 CONTINUED: 38
WEST
Save it. I've gotta train to
catch.
West swings into the saddle. He looks at the SNORTING
wild HORSE under him, then down at Gordon attaching the
box onto the seat of his Nitro-whatever.
WEST
(snaps off a smug
salute)
Yee-haaa!!
West spurs his horse and leaves Gordon in the proverbial
cloud of dust.
Although West's intentions are clear, for some reason,
Gordon's in no particular hurry. He sighs, climbs on the
bike, takes out a hankie and cleans a pair of goggles.
Then, finally ready...
GORDON
Avant!!!
VROOOM! An ENGINE KICKS IN and Gordon rockets forward.
(Yep, Artemus has invented the first motorcycle!) Fiery
exhaust blasts out of the manifolds as the bike propels
him down the street at about 60 mph right past...
ANGLE ON WEST AND HIS STALLION
who both look over in wide-eyed shock. The horse rears
as Gordon SCREAMS by -- leaving them in a cloud of
internal combustion.
39 EXT. C STREET TRAIN STATION - TRAIN ENGINE - DAY 39
From in front, as it CHUGS TOWARDS us. Sitting up in the
spanking new steam engine (No. 5) is a white-haired
Coleman. The Wanderer is his pride and joy. Coleman
pushes the throttle forward and the ENGINE ROARS PAST
us... followed by a tender, and two gleaming passenger
cars.
Then comes West THUNDERING past in a desperate effort to
catch up.
(CONTINUED)
25.
39 CONTINUED: 39
ANGLE - WITH WEST
riding like hell. Getting the last ounce of speed out of
his well-lathered steed, he finally pulls alongside the
rear passenger car. He looks up... In the window, we see
Gordon engrossed in what he's doing... which appears to
be sewing.
WEST
Stop this train!! You hear me!?!
If Gordon hears him, he pretends not to. He just
casually makes the next stitch.
West's horse has had it. They're losing ground to the
train. At the last second, West leans over at full
gallop and grabs a handle on the side of the train. He
swings out of the saddle, hanging on for dear life,
blowing in the breeze like laundry.
Finally, his boot finds a small metal plate to put its
weight on. Just as West stands safely on it... whoosh!
He flies up in the air and drops through a sliding
partition in the roof.
40 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 40
The car is like a classy Victorian men's club. Bar
stocked with crystal decanters, a pool table, decorative
pistols on the wall, books, etc. Gordon, seated in a
club chair, looks over as West falls from the ceiling
into a seat. He's hot, dusty and very pissed off. He
glowers at Gordon murderously.
GORDON
(calmly)
Thanks for dropping in.
WEST
Forget the bikes, the beards, the
fake boobies. Put down the
needlepoint and let's settle
this like men!
He takes off jacket, starts rolling up his sleeves.
Gordon remains remarkably cool, continues sewing.
GORDON
As a matter of clarification, this
isn't needlepoint. This is.
He shows him some real needlepoint.
(CONTINUED)
26.
40 CONTINUED: 40
GORDON
Right now, I'm putting the final
touches on a new invention of my
creation. I call it... The
Impermeable. It's a vest that,
when worn under the clothing, can
stop any modern bullet fired even
at close range.
West draws his gun, aims it at Gordon's stomach and cocks
the trigger.
WEST
Really?
Gordon quickly pulls the vest away from his stomach.
GORDON
But it hasn't been really
tested empirically yet.
WEST
Get up!
West takes off his guns and puts them on the table.
GORDON
(yawn, yawn)
Guns. I find them so primitive
and unnecessary... if one has done
one's proper planning.
WEST
Yeah? How do you feel about a
fist?
Gordon puts down The Impermeable, stands with a weary
sigh.
GORDON
I must tell you, Mr. West, I've
always felt that allowing a
situation to degenerate into
physical violence is a failure on
my part.
WEST
Well then, 'Mr.' Gordon, you
failed.
Whap! West unleashes a lightning punch that drives
Gordon across the train car. He dabs at his bloody lip.
(CONTINUED)
27.
40 CONTINUED: (2) 40
GORDON
I'm sorry, Mr. West, you brought
this on yourself.
Then to West's utter amazement, Gordon puts his hands
together as if praying while at the same time, crooking
his right leg stork-like. Is this some kind of martial
art? Then, he bends at the waist, and like a ballet
dancer, extends his leg out to the wall and flips a
switch.
It immediately triggers a leather hammer to swing down
from the ceiling. It whacks West on the side of the
head, and sends him spinning back onto the pool table.
ANGLE ON POOL TABLE - WEST
shakes it off and is about to attack again. Gordon
calmly pokes a hidden button. Suddenly the pool table
revolves. West is gone.
GORDON
I love this train!
41 EXT. UNDERNEATH WANDERER - DAY 41
West, eyes wide, is clinging on for dear life, staring at
the ties racing by, inches from his face.
42 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - GORDON 42
Gordon pours a fine Bordeaux, speaks loudly toward floor.
GORDON
The President asked for my
suggestions on how to make the
Wanderer both comfortable and
functional...
As he swishes the wine in his mouth...
43 EXT. UNDER WANDERER - DAY (SAME TIME) 43
West reaches up to get a handhold in the myriad of tubes
and wires on the underside of the car. As he rips one
tube out of the undercarriage...
28.
44 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 44
Gordon has just settled into the club chair, puts his wine
down on the table.
GORDON
And while you're down there,
you may want to avail yourself
of my Sub-carriage Inter-rail
Egressor...
Suddenly SHACKLES SNAP out of the arms of the chair,
pinning Gordon's wrists. Before he knows what hit him,
the floor opens and the club chair disappears.
45 EXT. UNDER WANDERER - DAY 45
Gordon appears upside down in the chair, chagrined at
his predicament. West looks from the escape trolley
Gordon was talking about back to his partner.
WEST
Only one doin' any 'egressin'
is gonna be you.
GORDON
(wide-eyed)
Perhaps the President was right
about us putting aside our petty
differences.
(recites above the
CLATTER)
'The opposite is beneficial, from
things that differ comes the
fairest attunement.' Aristotle.
Suddenly they flip OUT OF FRAME and back into the car,
shocked to find themselves facing...
46 INT. WANDERER - PARLOR CAR - DAY 46
Coleman's a scowling, grizzled old man in a coal-stained
suit. He's got a fire in his eye, brown spittle in the
corner of his mouth where a cigarette butt lives
permanently, and a large copper pot in his hand.
COLEMAN
Knock each other about all ya
please, but harm my train and
I'll douse ya like dogs.
He threatens them with the pot of steaming liquid. Now,
for the first time, Gordon really looks troubled.
(CONTINUED)
29.
46 CONTINUED: 46
GORDON
That's my veal reduction sauce!
COLEMAN
Well then, let's get on about our
business, shall we, gentlemen?
Now, where to?
WEST
New Orleans.
GORDON
Shall we let Professor Morton
decide?
WEST
Who?
47 INT. WANDERER LAB CAR - DUSK 47
A severed human head is in a vise.
GORDON
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
expert in the field of metallurgy
... discovered in a field of
alfalfa. Kidnapped from M.I.T.
six months ago.
West looks from the head to the open box.
WEST
That's a man's head!
Gordon holds up a strange, circular metallic object.
GORDON
... And this magnetic collar was
around it when his body was
discovered. Haven't figured that
one out yet...
But West is still staring in disbelief at the head.
WEST
That's a man's head.
Gordon starts fiddling with a lantern positioned behind
the head.
(CONTINUED)
30.
47 CONTINUED: 47
GORDON
According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory... a dying person's last
conscious image is burned into the
back of the eyeball like a
photograph. Perhaps there's a
clue there...
Excited, Gordon turns on the lantern attached to the back
of his head. Beams of light are coming through his
eyeballs, creating a blurry color image on the wall.
GORDON
Morton's last image!
WEST
That's a man's head!
West turns his head sideways to try to view the inverted
image projected on the wall. Gordon realizes the
problem.
GORDON
Ah. The refraction of the lenses
causes the image to appear upside
down. We simply...
He turns Morton's head in the vise. It's right side up,
but still blurry.
ANGLE ON WALL - FUZZY IMAGE
appears. It's a man who has a tiny Victrola horn for an
ear. He's holding a bloody metal boomerang.
WEST
It's McGrath. I was right all
along.
Gordon sees something in McGrath's pocket.
GORDON
He seems to have something in his
pocket... too fuzzy to read,
though...
Gordon drums his fingers on his great frontal lobe,
stymied.
GORDON
Mortification of the aqueous humor
seems to have led to the loss
of...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 31.
47 CONTINUED: (2) 47
WEST
... glasses.
West takes the bifocals out of the box, casually puts them
on Morton's nose. West now gestures to the wall.
CLOSE - IMAGE ON WALL
The white blur in the man's pocket is now focused. We
can see that it's the top of a piece of paper. He reads
the writing on it.
WEST
'Friends of the South! Come to
a Surprise Costume Ball. April
14, eight-thirty. 346 Garden
Street... '
(lowers glasses,
looks up)
Like I said.... New Orleans.
48 EXT. NEW ORLEANS TRAIN SIDING - NIGHT 48
We see the Wanderer parked on the siding as we hear voices
over.
GORDON (V.O.)
How about this? You could come
as my man servant?
49 INT. WANDERER - LAB CAR - NIGHT 49
Gordon has his wardrobe open. Selected from his vast
array of costumes and disguises is a full livery outfit.
GORDON
How about this? You could come
as my man servant.
WEST
(slave voice)
Oh yes, Massa Gordon, dats what
I'll do. And I'll jus' smile
and do as I's tole so those
people won' ever know that I
would rather shoot myself in
the head than play your god
damned man servant!
West is right in Gordon's face.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 32.
49 CONTINUED: 49
GORDON
I have a horse costume.
(then, cheery)
You could be the head.
WEST
The only thing I need to wear is
this.
West straps on his holster.
GORDON
Okay, if you insist on carrying a
firearm, I have something I think
you'll find intriguing...
Gordon displays a belt with a silver buckle. He taps the
buckle... a Derringer pops out. West stares, impressed.
GORDON
And it would go nicely with this...
Gordon takes out a sequined dress, holds the Derringer up
against it.
WEST
Jim West does not wear a dress.
GORDON
Then what's your plan?
WEST
How 'bout this: I'll go as a
government agent who's gonna
kill McGrath.
GORDON
An armed, Negro cowboy costume,
how creative. In a room full of
white Southerners, you oughtta
fit right in. You might even win
first prize!
West starts to walk away. Gordon grabs him.
GORDON
Listen to me. The art of disguise
is what's going to get us into
that party, thus allowing us to
find these kidnapped scientists
before they're forced to create
something that will destroy this
great country.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33.
49 CONTINUED: (2) 49
GORDON (CONT'D)
Now you and I are the chosen ones,
Jim. We're under direct orders
from the President himself. And
our mission is clear: Save our
country. Our freedom is at stake
and this is our duty as men. Now,
you go as a riverboat captain and
I'll be a saloon girl.
WEST
Let me tell you a little something
about beloved 'art of disguise'...
That night at Fat-Can's, I knew you
weren't a woman.
GORDON
But I was propositioned by three
men.
WEST
Gordon, you looked nasty. Your
breasts were all hard and stiff,
and were sticking straight out
like two rusty cannons on a
sunken ship.
Gordon grabs his fake breasts off the rack. He puts
them on.
GORDON
These are a work of art.
Scientifically and aesthetically
perfect.
WEST
They look like shit.
GORDON
Touch them.
WEST
I don't wanna touch 'em. I can
see I don't like 'em.
GORDON
What, are you afraid you're
wrong? Touch my breasts.
West touches Gordon's fake breasts.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33A.
49 CONTINUED: (3) 49
ANGLE - COLEMAN
walking through the next car, carrying a tray of tea.
Gordon's last line got his attention. What the...?
Coleman peeks around the corner to see West eyeing
Gordon's "chest."
COLEMAN
(to himself)
I knew it. Well, I'll have no
part of it!
Coleman shakes his head and walks off.
ANGLE - WEST AND GORDON
West is thwapping Gordon's breasts.
WEST
There, Gordon, you happy?
I'm touching your breasts.
GORDON
Not so rough. The buckwheat'll
come out.
WEST
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
West takes one of the cow udders out of Gordon's bodice
and dumps the buckwheat onto the ground.
GORDON
What are you doing?
West goes over to a wash basin, picks up a water pitcher
and fills the cow bladder. West squeezes the cow bladder
shut and holds it up to his chest.
WEST
Now, squeeze this. This is what a
breast should feel like.
ANGLE - COLEMAN
Passing back through the next car. When he hears that
last line, he can't believe it. He peeks in again to
see...
GORDON
Whoa...
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33B.
49 CONTINUED: (4) 49
WEST
Isn't that nice?
GORDON
Very nice.
Coleman's mouth drops. He's sweating.
WEST
Now touch yourself.
GORDON
You win. I'm hard.
COLEMAN
(disgusted)
Federal officers, bah!
Coleman walks off, shaking his head.
BACK TO SCENE
Suddenly, Gordon shoots the cuffs off his jacket. Out of
one sleeve comes a pen. Out the other, a small pad of
paper. They are both connected to a spring-loaded metal
gizmo up his sleeve. West reacts, drawing his pistol up
into Gordon's face.
GORDON
I was just going to jot down a
thought.
WEST
You know something, that's a good
place to put a gun.
GORDON
But then, where would I keep my
notepad.
WEST
You know, Artemus, I think you
underestimate the convenience of a
pocket.
50 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION (NEW ORLEANS) - CARRIAGE - NIGHT 50
carrying some costumed swells pass through wrought-iron
gates guarded by some of McGrath's ex-Rebs. FOLLOW it up
a Spanish moss-draped drive to a huge Garden District
mansion. As the carriage pulls to a stop in front...
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 33C.
51 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - CARRIAGE - NIGHT 51
Jim West drops to the ground from where he'd hitched a
ride underneath. He rolls into the shadows of the house.
When he stands, he's face to face with a huge GUARD with
a gun.
GUARD
You got about as much chance of
havin' an invitation as him.
He smirks at a lawn jockey. West reaches into his coat.
WEST
Matter of fact, got it right here.
He withdraws his hand. While the Guard squints at his
empty palm, West grabs his head with his other hand and
smacks it into the lawn jockey's fist... clang! West
leans the cold-cocked Guard against the house, uses his
shoulder as a step, boosting him up to...
34.
52 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - BALCONY - NIGHT 52
West grabs the ironwork underneath and acrobatically
swings himself over the rail. As he BREAKS the PANE on
the French door with his gun butt...
53 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS ROOM - NIGHT 53
West lets himself in. Then just as he's about to part
the heavy drapes... he hears women's voices approaching.
WOMAN (O.S.)
(in a Spanish
accent)
Hey... get your hands off me!
Now Miss Lippenreider, Amazonia and Munitia (bewigged and
wearing costumes) wrangle a beautiful and defiant Latina
into the room. When she turns we recognize she's the
singer from Fat-Can's. Rita is in her early 20s, wearing
a 19th-Century camisole so scanty, it makes it hard to
concentrate on what she's saying.
RITA
Put me in the dungeon with all
those smelly, dirty bearded men
... but I am not goin' in there.
AMAZONIA
You applied for the position.
RITA
Yeah, a standing up position. I'm
an entertainer, not a...
Amazonia grabs her by the throat, choking the word off.
MISS LIPPENREIDER
Do not be selfish and stupid. He
always spoils his new girl.
RITA
Yeah. Well gimme a simple diamond
bracelet instead of that...
POV - THROUGH DOOR - INTO BEDROOM
A ramp leads to a large bed. A leather and steel
prosthesis is hanging from pulleys attached to the
ceiling.
MUNITIA
It is not so bad... once the metal
warms up.
(CONTINUED)
35.
53 CONTINUED: 53
Amazonia just picks her up and drags the hapless Rita
into the room. West emerges from behind the curtains,
shakes his head. Weird. He eases out the door and
into...
54 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT 54
West hears the PARTY DIN coming from down below. He
goes to the balcony.
WEST'S POV - OVER STAIR LANDING - DOWNSTAIRS
The scene below is hallucinogenically surreal. A Babel
of foreign languages is the first thing that strikes us.
Avant garde MUSIC is coming from two 10x10 quartet boxes
on either side of the room to create stereo.
SULTRY WOMAN (O.S.)
An authentic cowboy outfit...
complete with six-guns!
West turns to see who busted him. Coming his way is a
ravishing Chinese girl dressed up as a DRAGON LADY.
DRAGON LADY
What a terribly clever costume,
Mr...?
WEST
... West. Jim West.
DRAGON LADY
Well... West meets East. Mae Lee
East.
(holds out
delicate hand)
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
WEST
Actually I'm, uh trying to
surprise an old friend -- General
McGrath. Seen him around
anywhere?
MISS EAST (DRAGON LADY)
I don't believe that name was on
our guest list. And I would know.
I'm Dr. Loveless's personal
assistant.
The name means something to West.
(CONTINUED)
36.
54 CONTINUED: 54
WEST
Dr. Arliss Loveless...? One of
the great founders of the
Confederacy with Jefferson Davis.
Funny how most people think he's
dead.
MISS EAST
Tonight's his coming-out party.
We FOLLOW them as she takes his arm and leads him down
the stairs, into the party.
55 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - DOWNSTAIRS - PARTY - NIGHT 55
West surveys the crowd.
MISS EAST
See anybody that looks familiar?
West scans the room. Stops.
WEST
Matter of fact, I do.
WEST'S POV - WOMAN WITH BIG HAIR
She's got the mole, too. Gordon has apparently encored
his Soiled Dove get-up.
Miss East sees who he's looking at. She makes a pouty
face as there's a flourish from the STEREO QUARTET.
MISS EAST
I'm... jealous.
(blows a little
kiss at him)
Meet me later... in the foyer.
West watches as she joins...
56 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - DOWNSTAIRS - PARTY - REST OF 56
LOVELESS' WOMEN - NIGHT
Miss East leads them in a sober rendition of "The Battle
Hymn of the Republic" in front of a large doorway.
DISTAFF CORPS
(singing)
'Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the coming of the Lord...'
(CONTINUED)
37.
56 CONTINUED: 56
From behind the doors we hear the WHIR of an ELEVATOR.
It stops with a CLUNK. Suddenly...
NEW ANGLE - DOORWAY
bursts open and Abraham Lincoln in a mini-float appears.
It's decked out like Lincoln's box at Ford's theater. On
its own power, it moves past the laughing party-goers in
the foyer. Now the women throw grapes on the floor.
DISTAFF CORPS
(singing)
'He has trampled down the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are
stored!'
WEST'S POV - ANGLE ON WHEELS OF WHEELCHAIR
are what's trampling down the vintage. West takes in the
whole man. Very curious. Then suddenly... KABOOM!
ANGLE ON ABE'S HEAD
It explodes like a pinata. Up from the hole in his neck
peeps... DR. ARLISS LOVELESS.
LOVELESS
(impishly)
Don't you just hate that song?
The Southern crowd gasps at Loveless's dramatic appearance.
LOVELESS
Why, y'all look like you've seen a
ghost! It's me, dear friends,
alive and kicking! Well, alive,
anyway...
As he giggles, the distaff corps surround him and remove
the Lincoln paraphernalia. Then step aside, revealing...
NEW ANGLE - DR. LOVELESS
is half a man. Literally. Cut off at the waist and
mounted on a wheelchair platform that is powered by an
engine, he is a man bereft of tuchus, kishkes and
everything else in that vicinity that makes life
interesting.
(CONTINUED)
38.
56 CONTINUED: (2) 56
LOVELESS
(chuckles)
We may've lost the war, but heaven
knows... we haven't lost our sense
of humor!
Dr. Loveless looks down at himself, smoothes half of his
Fritz Lang Metropolis-style suit. His face turns dark as
he surveys the crowd.
LOVELESS
Not even when we've lost a lung...
a spleen... a bladder... two
legs... thirty-five feet of small
intestine and our ability to
reproduce...
(like a preacher)
All in the name of the South...
(then quietly)
... do we lose our sense of humor.
You can hear a pin drop. Loveless turns to the foreign
dignitaries.
LOVELESS
I owe a deep debt of gratitude to
my friends across the sea for
their comfort and... succor.
He suddenly seems distracted by the comely beauties that
surround him. Then abruptly, manically...
LOVELESS
So...! Mi casa es su casa! Ma
maison est a vous! Let the party
begin!!!
Loveless signals to the quartets to resume playing. Miss
East leans down and whispers in his ear. Loveless looks
in West's direction.
Now Loveless wheels over to West. West isn't hiding.
He's cocky in the face of rolling danger.
LOVELESS
Mr. West, how nice of you to join
us tonight... and add color to
these monochromatic proceedings.
West keeps a lid on his temper. Two can play at this
game.
(CONTINUED)
39.
56 CONTINUED: (3) 56
WEST
Well, when a man comes back from
the dead, it's an occasion to
stand and be counted.
Loveless smiles slightly.
LOVELESS
Miss East informs me that you were
expecting to meet General McGrath
here. I knew him years ago... but
haven't seen him in a coon's age.
WEST
I bet a man like yourself would
find it difficult to keep in touch
with even half the people you
know.
Danger flickers in Loveless's eyes. He looks to Miss
East.
LOVELESS
Perhaps the lovely Miss East will
keep you from being a slave to
your disappointment.
WEST
Well, you know beautiful women...
they encourage you one second, cut
the legs out from under you the
next.
Loveless's face drops. He is no longer amused. Miss
East winks at West, then accompanies Loveless in the
direction of the study where...
57 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - NIGHT 57
General McGrath waits impatiently. He takes two
champagnes off a passing tray, guzzles them, then
wipes his mouth on Dolly Madison's bustle. As his
eyes sweep the room...
ANGLE - WEST
He ducks behind a mountain man carrying the French
tricolor. When Loveless and General McGrath disappear
into the study and close the door, West eases after
them. He pauses as he passes the "Soiled Dove," leans
into her big bouffant. He regards a stained-glass window
patterned with a spider over her shoulder.
(CONTINUED)
40.
57 CONTINUED: 57
WEST
Hey, honey... I see a big ole
spider up on the wall. Hope it
doesn't drop down your pretty
dress.
As the Soiled Dove jumps a little, West continues over to
the study door. Now the Soiled Dove turns, and we see
the scared/confused expression. Maybe it's because she
is not Artemus.
ANGLE - GORDON - ACROSS ROOM
He's the mountain man in the fringe jacket. And right
now he's shaking his head as he watches West resort to a
decidedly low-tech surveillance method of Loveless's
study.
GORDON
Peeking through the keyhole...?
So 18th Century.
58 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST'S POV THROUGH 58
KEYHOLE - NIGHT
McGrath paces in front of Loveless's desk.
McGRATH
Dr. Loveless, my men are ready to
go to war with no weapons to
fight. Ever since the nitro and
the guns were destroyed at Fat-
Can's, lice and demoralization
have set in!
LOVELESS
Your men will have their weapons
tonight. And my promise that they
will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century!
McGrath's face relaxes into a pyorrheic grin.
McGRATH
Oh, you're a pip, sir! I'd follow
you into the maw of Cerberus
himself!
Loveless takes pencil in hand and draws a map on the
desk.
(CONTINUED)
41.
58 CONTINUED: 58
LOVELESS
And so you shall.
(makes an X)
Have your men here at... 10
o'clock tonight.
Loveless wheels his chair toward the door with McGrath
behind him folding up the map...
59 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 59
ducks out of the way as Loveless and McGrath emerge from
the study. As they disappear into the throng of well-
wishers, West takes a thin lock-pick out of his hat band.
It takes him a moment or two, but the LOCK finally
CLICKS. Then West slips inside, apparently undetected --
except by an unimpressed Gordon.
60 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 60
moves quickly to the desk past walls filled with oil
portraits of various Loveless relatives. The one behind
the desk is in the style of Gainsborough. A Loveless
uncle is standing on a windswept grouse moor, two English
setters by his side, a Holland and Holland double held in
the crook of his arm.
West turns his attention to the desk blotter. There's a
faint imprint where Loveless drew the map. West takes
his penknife and a pencil -- grates some graphite into
the depressions. He's just about to do a rubbing on a
piece of paper when... someone swipes it out of his hand.
ANGLE ON MISS EAST
Hands on hips, she gives him a "naughty, naughty" look.
MISS EAST
I said to meet me in the foyer.
WEST
Oh, the foy-aay. Sorry, I've
never been much good at French.
But instead of scolding him further, Miss East plants an
over-heated kiss on him. Tongues are involved. As they
break, she gives a little nod of approval.
MISS EAST
Au contraire...
(CONTINUED)
42.
60 CONTINUED: 60
She pushes him down into Dr. Loveless's chair.
MISS EAST
So let's see, Mr. West... are you
a dangerous spy of some sort? Or
just a handsome cowboy who likes
to... poke around.
WEST
Um... that second one.
She starts to undo the buttons of his trousers. But
West has a job to do. Well, maybe he can do two jobs at
once...
61 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - PARTY - GORDON - SAME TIME - 61
NIGHT
is being the perfect party guest, moving through the
crowd chit-chatting with this person and that (in
French, Spanish, German) when he sees something of
interest.
Munitia and Lippenreider come out of an upstairs bedroom,
lock it behind them. Hmmm. What's in there? As he
starts upstairs, Amazonia appears, blocking his way.
GORDON
Howdy there... big sturdy gal.
Yer dance card full?
Amazonia stares at him, then spiels off a couple lines
in a foreign language that makes Gordon's eyes widen.
He understands what she said and it's not flattering.
Gordon moves off in a shock.
62 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - WEST AND EAST - NIGHT 62
are locked in a passionate embrace. West manages to
position her nearly-naked rear end over the graphite
powder. Very carefully, he stands, pushing her buttocks
onto the desk and then rolling her off. The imprint on
her left cheek is perfect. But unfortunately, it's
backwards!
CLOSE - WEST
Damn. He lets Miss East concentrate on what she's doing,
which from the SOUNDS O.S., doesn't appear to be a
demonstration of the correct way to butter corn.
(CONTINUED)
43.
62 CONTINUED: 62
West spies a mirror on the other side of the room and
raises her ass up into position so he can see the
corrected reflection.
ANGLE ON MIRROR - MAP
COMES INTO VIEW. It clearly shows the meeting place to
be Malheureux Point, northeast of New Orleans. But the
mirror reflects something else of interest...
63 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - STUDY - PAINTING - NIGHT 63
The painting behind him has come to life. The Loveless
in the painting swings a real shotgun around and is
pointing it at the back of West's head.
CLOSE - WEST
suddenly contorts his upper torso just as an EXPLOSION
rips the back of the chair where his head would have
been.
He draws and SHOOTS the would-be assassin, who falls out
of the painting, dead. West turns to see...
ANGLE ON MISS EAST
A surprised look on her face. A hole in her forehead.
He lowers her head gently to the ground, regards her
map-imprinted rear end.
WEST
Thanks for helpin' me get to the
bottom of this case.
64 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - OUTSIDE STUDY - WEST - NIGHT 64
emerges just as a Kentucky reel starts up. He weaves his
way through the dance floor and spots the Soiled Dove
look-alike out on the floor. West reluctantly
straightens his shoulders and cuts in. This bold move
gets some looks of disapproval from the pecan pie crowd.
ANGLE ON WEST AND SOILED DOVE RINGER
dancing. Both look straight ahead, not at each other.
West so as not to attract any more attention. His partner
because she's scared shitless of this strange Negro who
keeps hounding her.
(CONTINUED)
44.
64 CONTINUED: 64
WEST
Real impressed the way you got the
dance floor staked out. Maybe one
of your missin' scientists'll cut
in.
(dip)
Thought you should know that while
you were trying to decide what
shoes to wear tonight...
(twirl)
I found that our host, Dr.
Loveless...
West looks over to where Loveless is leading a contingent
of foreigners out a side exit.
WEST
... is meeting McGrath and his
troops at Malheureux Point in an
hour.
(bends her back)
So you enjoy the party. I'm gonna
go save the Republic.
The Soiled Dove look-alike is speechless. Before he
goes, West leans in, smirks.
WEST
But I will say, good work on your
bladders tonight... they're damn
perky.
And just to dig the grave deeper, West lays hands on them
and gives them a little squeeze. This immediately
elicits a scream and a slap in the face that shocks the
bejesus out of the black cowboy. And he's not the only
one.
ANGLE ON CROWD
staring at him. We know what they're thinking, but the
Mountain Man behind West says it for everyone.
GORDON/MOUNTAIN MAN
Hang him!
And with that, Gordon opens his deerskin jacket to reveal
his own rope, which he throws to the mob. West looks
back at the character in amazement. That's Gordon?!
Before West can say or do anything, guns are at his
temple, and he's swept out of the room.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 45.
64 CONTINUED: (2) 64
Gordon calmly straightens his coonskin cap, seemingly
uninterested in West's imminent hanging. In the hubbub
of everyone rushing out for the hanging, Gordon heads up
the unguarded stairs to the locked room.
As he pulls out his high tech auto-wind lock-pick and
quickly gains entrance to the door...
65 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - COURTYARD - NIGHT 65
Hand-held torches illuminate. The rope is tossed over a
lamp post. PAN DOWN TO where one of the mob, dressed as
GEORGE WASHINGTON, is binding West's hands behind his
back.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Looks like we're gonna have to
teach y'all a little lesson on how
to behave in polite society.
WEST
Don't grab a white lady's boobies
at the big redneck dance. Is that
the lesson? Well, I learned it.
Don't scratch your head with the
shrimp fork. I got that one too.
So whaddaya say we call this off?
66 INT. LOVELESS MANSION - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - GORDON - 66
NIGHT
eases in, stops at what he sees. And it sure ain't
scientists. Beside the bed, locked in an iron disco-like
cage, is Rita, still wearing her scanty outfit. Gordon
squints at her, gives a charming smile.
GORDON
I feel as if we know each other
from someplace...?
RITA
Try again, buster...!
She takes a breath as if she's going to start screaming.
Gordon quickly holds up a hand.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 46.
66 CONTINUED: 66
GORDON
Ma'am, please! While I realize I
look like something straight out
of James Fenimore Cooper... I mean
you no harm. My name is Artemus
Gordon. And you look like you're
in trouble.
RITA
(dryly)
Really?
To Rita's amazement, Gordon opens his jacket and
unbuttons his vest to reveal... a complete miniature tool
shop. Quickly he pulls out a thin cable and attaches it
to a tiny wheel on the spur of one of his boots.
RITA
I'm Rita. I was hired here as an
entertainer. Not that I'm
complaining, but what are you
doin' in here?
GORDON
(looking up miles
of leg)
Looking for some missing
scientists... not that I'm
complaining.
Gordon unsnaps the sole of his shoe. It becomes a pedal
that operates the wheels' rotation. Now he removes a bit
and handle from his vest and attaches the cable. Starts
to pump his foot. It's a foot-powered drill.
GORDON
I'm a special U.S. Marshal on
assignment from the President.
RITA
(almost impressed)
If you're so special, how come
you're lookin' up here when
Loveless has 'em all workin' down
in the dungeon?
(rattles bars
impatiently)
Get me out of here and I'll take
you down there.
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 47.
66 CONTINUED: (2) 66
GORDON
Too late. The 'dungeon' is
cleaned out. It was the first
place I checked, right after I
sampled the gumbo. Bit heavy on
the okra.
But Rita isn't listening to the food review. Her mind's
racing. Finally, the LOCK CLICKS and the cage door
swings open. Gordon takes the distressed damsel in his
arms, lifts her out.
RITA
(suddenly a coquettish
smile)
Thank you... Artemus, was it?
GORDON
One doesn't forget a smile like
that. Now where in the world was
it...? Have you ever played the
Empire Room... the Bijou Cafe
perhaps...?
67 EXT. LOVELESS MANSION - COURTYARD - NIGHT (SAME TIME) 67
West is lifted onto the back of a wagon. With the noose
dangling in front of his nose, West addresses the crowd.
WEST
Can I have everyone's attention
please. I think we've had a
series of major misunderstandings
and I'd like to take a moment to
clear them up. First, the whole
drumming on the boobies thing.
In my native land, Africa, my
ancestors used drums to
communicate between villages. I'm
sure y'all can see that this young
girl here can communicate all the
way down to Baton Rouge. Hell, on
a clear day, we might even get
Galveston. All I was saying was,
'How're you doing,' 'My name's Jim,'
'How's your mama?'
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 47A.
67 CONTINUED: (A1) 67
WEST (CONT'D)
Second misunderstanding. That
redneck comment. I'm getting the
sense that some of you took that
negatively. You know, some of my
best friends are whiskey-guzzling,
pot-bellied rednecks just like
y'all here.
(then)
That slavery thing, I don't see
what the big deal was. Hell, who
wouldn't want somebody to run
around for them doing chores. Are
you going to get your big, fat,
lazy ass out of bed every morning
and pick your own damn cotton.
I don't think so.
(then)
Let's head on inside and knock back
some shine. Come on, back inside.
No. Okay.
(to Soiled Dove)
I stand before you as a man who
realizes he has done something
wrong and I am prepared to do the
right thing. Will you marry me?
Soiled Dove gasps.
WEST
I'll take that as a no. Darling,
would it help at all if I said I
thought you were a man?
The CAMERA FINDS the Soiled Dove. She faints.
BACK TO SCENE
WEST
Guess not.
As West searches desperately for signs of rescue by his
"partner," suddenly the wagon lurches forward...
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Hang him!
(CONTINUED)
48.
67 CONTINUED: 67
NEW ANGLE - WEST'S FEET
As they plummet toward the ground.
CLOSE - WEST'S NECK
The rope catches... and stretches!
CLOSE - WEST'S FEET
As they slowly touch the ground.
Nobody is more confused than West.
ANGLE ON CROWD
How the fuck did that happen? But before anybody can
figure out Gordon's trick rope, speak of the devil...
GORDON (O.S.)
Hey-yaa!!!
The crowd turns with alarm to see...
ANGLE ON TEAM OF CHARGING HORSES
Nostrils flared and wild-eyed, are having their rumps
snapped by Gordon's reins. Rita holds on for dear life
as the mad Mountain Man drives the carriage at full speed
right into the crowd -- scattering them.
ANGLE ON WEST
He sees his opportunity for rescue, puts a foot into the
back of George Washington, grabs his gun, and somersaults
into the air...
ANGLE ON GORDON AND CARRIAGE - WEST
lands squarely in the back. And just as the rope starts
to stretch around his neck again, Gordon whirls around
with a Bowie knife and cuts it.
68 EXT. NEW ORLEANS STREET NEAR MANSION - MOVING WAGON - 68
NIGHT
West leans into Gordon's ear.
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 49.
68 CONTINUED: 68
WEST
Hang 'm...!
Suddenly, there's a VOLLEY of SHOTS from some cracker
sharpshooters. West responds with an amazing display of
RAPID-FIRE marksmanship, picking off half a dozen of
Loveless's shooters, even while the carriage bumps wildly
on its getaway. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!
WEST
(still pissed,
to Gordon)
Hang'm!?!
GORDON
(to Rita)
Meet my trigger-happy partner,
James West... who doesn't seem to
realize that my carefully planned
diversion gave me the opportunity
to search for the missing
scientists.
Now West notices the half-dressed bombshell in the
carriage.
WEST
Scientist, huh.
GORDON
This is Rita. I found her locked
in a cage in Loveless's bedroom.
She's an entertainer.
RITA
Um, maybe I haven't been quite
honest about that... My name is
Rita Escobar. I came to find
Guillermo Escobar, the scientist,
my... father.
Gordon's eyes pop.
GORDON
Professor Escobar?! He was the
one I almost rescued that night
when...
(lightbulb)
That's where I know you from!
Fat-Can Candy's... you sang before
I did.
RITA
Excuse me?
(CONTINUED)
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 6/15/98 50.
68 CONTINUED: (2) 68
GORDON
That was me. Burgundy dress with
the bustle...
Gordon starts singing the song... West rolls his eyes,
cuts off the chit-chat.
WEST
Look, Rita, I'm sorry you had the
wrong agent working on your case.
When I find your father I promise
I'll send him back safely...
And with that... West suddenly leaps over Rita -- lands
on the back of one of the horses. He grabs a handful of
mane, leans over and unclips the harness. And with a
kick in the ribs, West is off at a gallop -- leaving
Gordon, one remaining horse and an awed Rita behind to
chew his dust.
RITA
He's impulsive, James.
69 EXT. OFFSHORE - LOVELESS BOAT - NIGHT 69
Dr. Loveless and his visiting foreign dignitaries are
sipping champagne. One of them is holding a little DOG
in his arms, BARKING at something in the dark. General
McGrath stands at the railing, uncharacteristically
pensive. Loveless rolls over, hands him a glass of
champagne.
LOVELESS
Well, General, it's been a long
journey from New Liberty.
McGrath visibly winces at the sound of it.
McGRATH
Sir, there isn't a day that passes
that I don't contemplate it.
LOVELESS
Yes, and so do I. So do I.
(reflexively reaches
for missing legs)
If I'd only had the scientific
understanding of gunpowder and
primers that I have today...
(CONTINUED)
51.
69 CONTINUED: 69
McGRATH
That's not what I meant.
Loveless looks at him, puzzled, then gets it.
LOVELESS
Oh, you mean the stomach-churning
carnage that earned you your
unfortunate nom de guerre...
Loveless speaks for the benefit of the others.
LOVELESS
What was that nickname again?
McGRATH
(reluctantly)
'Bloodbath' McGrath... the Butcher
of New Liberty.'
70 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - MARSH - NIGHT 70
A reb battalion waits in a foggy meadow that slopes down
to marsh. Beyond that is the Gulf of Mexico. We
recognize one of the REBS from the cathouse. He opens
his pocket watch.
REB #1
They oughta be here by now.
REB #2
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
REB #1
(rechecks map)
No, we're supposed to wait 'xactly
on this here spot.
Suddenly they hear a CLANKING and SCREECHING coming from
the marsh. They ready their arms and get in defensive
positions. What they can't see through the fog is...
ANGLE - MARSH - ARMORED TANK
amphibiously sludges up through the mud and reeds,
passing by the dumbstruck soldiers as it heads to the
center of the field. The contraption has a large cannon
and Gatling guns bristling from several ports. The Rebs
cheer their new weapon.
THE WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 7/1/98 52.
71 EXT. MALHEUREUX POINT - BATTLEFIELD - NIGHT 71
Now a MORTAR appears through the turret and FIRES a
ROCKET that EXPLODES over the Reb soldiers, illuminating
the field. As soldiers shield their eyes from the
blinding light...
ANGLE - AERIAL SHOT - LOOKING DOWN ON FIELD
Unbeknownst to the Rebs, Loveless has mowed and stained
the field with concentric lines to give it a giant dart
board appearance.
Suddenly the TANK TURRET OPENS FIRE on them. Once over
their initial shock, the Rebs FIRE BACK with their
Springfield RIFLES. But the BULLETS PING off the tank's
impenetrable skin like goober peas.
72 EXT. OFFSHORE - LOVELESS BOAT - NIGHT 72
Lippenreider is viewing the carnage through large
binoculars on a stand.
General McGrath turns from the rail and faces Loveless,
outraged.
McGRATH
Why you sawed-off sadistic
bastard! You've betrayed us!
Loveless turns to him, cocks his head.
LOVELESS
My dear General, after donating
half my physical being creating a
weapon capable of doing this...
how did you and General Lee repay
my loyalty? You surrendered at
Appomattox! So, who betrayed whom?
Loveless turns to Munitia holding a steno pad.
LOVELESS
Munitia, make note. Turret speed
needs to be accelerated!
MUNITIA
(to Amazonia)
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8!
Amazonia pushes a sick dignitary away from the rail so
she can get a sight line to the tank with her lantern
semaphore. She begins flashing the new gear ratio.
(CONTINUED)
53.
72 CONTINUED: 72
AMAZONIA
A bucket for the minister, please!
Now in the b.g., we hear the GATLINGS OPEN UP.
Lippenreider is reading the lips of the tank's victims.
LIPPENREIDER
Scream. Scream. My head. I'm
dying. Scream. Moan. Scream.
McGRATH
Loveless, I demand you give the
order to stop this slaughter now!
LOVELESS
(ignores him)
... We're going to need more
loading drills! I'm hearing too
much time between screams.
As Munitia scribbles dutifully, McGrath shoves her aside.
He pulls his pistol.
McGRATH
For the last time, give them the
order to desist!
Loveless, his back to him, is seemingly unconcerned at
having a gun barrel pressed against his skull.
LOVELESS
General, I understand your
distress. But believe me, those
men are not dying senselessly. It
is for a far greater cause than
you can imagine.
As Loveless's right index finger finds a black button on
the arm of his wheelchair...
CLOSE ANGLE - LOVELESS'S WHEELCHAIR ARM
The steel tubes that comprise the armrests are actually
shotgun barrels facing fore and aft. McGrath's finger
tightens on the trigger.
WIDER
McGRATH
Go straight to hell, sir!
(CONTINUED)
WILD WILD WEST - Rev. 4/9/99 54.
72 CONTINUED: (2) 72
LOVELESS
After you... sir.
BOOOM!!! McGrath has a very startled expression as he
looks down at the aftereffects of DOUBLE-OUGHT BUCKSHOT.
As he crumples to the deck, Loveless sniffs.
LOVELESS
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
The dignitary's DOG starts BARKING, jumps to the deck.
It sits next to the fallen General's gramophone ear and
cocks his head. With the RCA logo invented we MOVE BACK
TO...
ANGLE ON LOVELESS
He sighs at his pale guests. They don't seem to
appreciate the efficiency of his slaughter.
LOVELESS
Well, that concludes the
festivities. Ladies, feed him to
the crabs.
Munitia and Amazonia unceremoniously dump McGrath's BODY
overboard. SPLOOSH... Loveless addresses the
dignitaries...
LOVELESS
But, my friends, that tank is just
a little ol' toy compared to what
this country's greatest scientists
are cooking up for me next. So if
I've piqued your interest, bring
1000 kilograms of your country's
gold to Spider Canyon four days
from now.
(starts to roll
off boat)
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got
a tank to catch.
CUT TO:
73 EXT. TRAIN SIDING |
