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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 411

                                     "30% IRON CHEF"

                                           By

                                     Jeff Westbrook

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: If Accidentally Watched, Induce Vomitting.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender watches Good Morning Earth on 
               TV. A graphic of the sun peeking over the Earth appears on the 
               screen then it changes to Morbo and Linda in the regular Good 
               Morning Earth studio.]
 
               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         Welcome back. Our next guest has been 
                         teaching the world to cook for over 
                         20 years. But apparently my uh, wife 
                         hasn't been listening.
 
               
               [A laughter track is heard and Linda chuckles.]

               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         Oh funny!

               
               
                                     ELZAR [ON TV]
                         Morbo I'm gonna whip you up a nice, 
                         unnameable horror from beyond - with 
                         mango chutney.
 
               
               [He lifts a pot onto a hob. Morbo looks inside. Radiation flares 
               out of the pot and X-rays his head.]
 
               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         Pathetic humans! Prepare to write down 
                         the recipe!
 
               
               [Bender hums as he stirs a pot of...something. Enter Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, uh, what's with all the pots and 
                         pans? You building a wife?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Part of one. Meantime I'm cooking up 
                         a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends!
 
                         
               
               [He takes a chicken out of his chest cabinet and swallows it. 
               Shredding, whirring sounds come from inside him and he spits 
               out the chicken's skeleton. He dusts it off and puts it in a 
               frying pan.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Brunch. Right. I'd better warn - tell 
                         - warntell the others!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Okey-dokey!

               
               [Fry leaves and Bender covers the chicken with a whole tub of 
               Motron's Salt. He opens another tub and adds an extra pinch of 
               it.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew sans Fry and Bender 
               are gathered around Farnsworth's lab table looking at a ship 
               in a bottle.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Ooo!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nice!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the 
                         universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny 
                         spaceship inside to keep it from being 
                         boring.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ohh!

               
               [He reaches out to the bottle.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Get -!  For the last time Zoidberg look 
                         with your eyes not with your claws!
 
                         
               
               [He puts the bottle back on the table. Enter Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Brace yourselves. Bender is making us 
                         brunch.
 
               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh boy!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh God! My tract!

               
               [He clutches his stomach.]

               
                                     FRY
                         He's so proud of his awful cooking. 
                         If we don't eat it he'll be crushed.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright don't panic. If we can get to 
                         the ship, we can fly north and hide 
                         under the polar icecaps for a few weeks.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hurry!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good idea!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What's the hold-up?

               
               [They make for the door. It opens and Bender is standing there 
               stirring a bowl of slop.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fleeing somewhere?

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, with you blocking the only escape 
                         route? Don't be silly!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         In that case brunch is served! Let's 
                         go, move it out, stop crying Leela!
 
                         
               
               [They all file out and Leela carries on crying. Farnsworth pokes 
               his head through the doorway.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Zoidberg, are you coming?

               
               [Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Sure. Me.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Because I don't want you touching that 
                         thing.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I know that.  Surrender your mysteries 
                         to Zoidberg!  Oh no! Professor will 
                         hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then 
                         perhaps gifts!  Ow, what? Ohh!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table and 
               Bender dishes up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Today, I've personalised each of your 
                         meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, 
                         so I baked you a pony.  Come on! Eat! 
                         I slaved all day over a filthy stove!
 
                         
               
               [He walks into the kitchen.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         This is terrible!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good thing I secretly installed this 
                         wormhole in the table!
 
               
               [He presses a button and the wormhole opens in the middle of 
               the table and scrapes his food - a human heart and some guts 
               - into it.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Where does the other end come out?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You know I'm not quite sure.  Oh dear 
                         me!
 
               
               [He takes a cloth out of his lab coat and puts his hand in the 
               wormhole and wipes the food from off his head. Enter Bender humming. 
               His antenna pop-ups and dings like a microwave. He takes something 
               green out of his chest cabinet.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         The pie is ready. You guys like swarms 
                         of things right?
 
               
               [Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg 
               wearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes 
               out from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Casual hello, it's me Zoidberg, act 
                         naturally.  Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! 
                         Stop!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         How interesting Dr Zoidberg. Do go on.
 
                         
               
               [She scrapes her food into a plant and sits down. Bender doesn't 
               notice. He walks back towards the kitchen, humming. He notices 
               the dead plant.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey check out the palm tree! It only 
                         gets sick when I cook brunch! How's 
                         that for a coincidence Professor? With 
                         all your precious science!
 
               
               [He walks through the door.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender stirs a mop around in 
               a bucket of filthy water and wrings it out into some glasses. 
               He opens the door a little way and hears Fry talking.]
 
               
                                     FRY [FROM LOUNGE]
                         Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings...
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     FRY
                         ...but this food actually tastes better 
                         as vomit!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's unbearable! How much do you think 
                         it would cost to get my tongue removed?
 
                         
               
               [Bender is standing in the doorway crying. He drops the tray 
               of glasses and runs back into the kitchen. Whatever was in the 
               glasses dissolves the floor.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Locker Area. Bender opens his locker and takes 
               out his personalised notepaper headed with "A Note From Bender," 
               "A Ransom Note From Bender" and "A Plea For Attention From Bender." 
               He clicks his finger and a pen comes out and he starts writing 
               on the latter paper. He looks at the checklist. "I Am Committing 
               Suicide," "I Am Getting A Tattoo" and "I Am Running Away." He 
               ticks the last one.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) And this time I mean it!

               
               [He ticks "And This Time I Mean It."]

               
               [Outside Planet Express. Bender walks away from the building 
               with a bindle over his shoulder. He throws his chef's hat down 
               and squeaking rats run out of it.]
 
               
               [Street. Bender walks down the street still crying.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw, who am I kidding? It was stupid 
                         of me to ever dream of becoming a chef. 
                         I don't have what it takes and nothing 
                         can change that.  Then it's settled! 
                         Elzar will teach me to cook!
 
               
               [Elzar's Kitchen.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Absolutely not.

               
               [Bender has his arms wrapped around Elzar's legs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         But I watch your show. You owe me!
 
                         
               
                                     ELZAR
                         I owe you nothing! For starter's your 
                         antenna's in my crotch. Also I hate 
                         you. Finally, you can't cook for squat.
 
                         
               
               [Bender cries then suddenly stops.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What was the first one again?

               
                                     ELZAR
                         I hate you.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I thought that was number two.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         I knocked it up a notch. Bam!

               
               [He points to the door.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg looks at the broken 
               bottle.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! 
                         When the Professor finds out, he'll 
                         tear me a new cloaca!  Wait! What would 
                         the robot do?  Frame someone.
 
               
               [Enter Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What up?

               
               [Zoidberg laughs insanely.]

               
               [Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back 
               to the door. Enter Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) I'm walking on sunshine!  
                         La la la la sunshine!
 
               
               [Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one that says "I Hate Bottles" 
               and eats the original.]
 
               
               [New New York Rooftops. Bender sits on some pipes. He has 5 o'clock 
               rust.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) It's over! My dream of being 
                         a chef is deadder than the cat I'm sitting 
                         on!
 
               
               [Two hobos stand next to him.]

               
                                     HOBO
                         Gus old chum, let's give a friendly 
                         welcome to this new robo.
 
               
               [Bender rolls up his sleeves.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What did you call me?

               
                                     GUS
                         A robo. You know? A robot-hobo.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh OK I thought you said "romo."

               
                                     HOBO
                         No offence intended my filthy friend. 
                         In fact, why not join us and ride the 
                         space rails?
 
               
               [Space Train. The train heads down a space track carrying trucks 
               from such companies as Baltimore & Orion, Starlight Express and 
               Wrath-Of-Conrail. The train heads towards a small planet with 
               a giant prism sticking out of it. A truck door opens. The hobos 
               are wearing spacesuits and Bender is with them.]
 
               
                                     GUS
                         Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that 
                         switching prism up ahead.
 
               
                                     HOBO
                         We're going nearly the speed of light 
                         so uh, roll when you land.
 
               
               [They jump and the train hits the prism and each truck flies 
               off in a different direction.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Surface. The hobos roll when they land and Bender 
               lands on his head.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ow.

               
               [Bumbase Alpha. Hobos and Robos warm themselves around fires.]
 
               
               
                                     GUS
                         Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest 
                         hobo jungle in the quadrant.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I've seen bigger. Oh wait I'm thinking 
                         of Eugene Oregon.  Wait. A pie with 
                         hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?
 
                         
               
                                     GUS
                         Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest 
                         chef.
 
               
                                     HOBO
                         His restaurant was so high toned, the 
                         only way to get reservations was to 
                         create a parallel universe where you 
                         already had reservations.
 
               
                                     GUS
                         Yep. I once ate there back when I what 
                         was a senator.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yo Spargle, if you're such a great cook, 
                         how'd you end up in this dump?
 
               
               [Spargle is a small, bald man with a German accent. He sighs.]
 
               
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Ages ago I was the host of a TV show...
 
                         
               
               [Flashback. A younger Helmut Spargle cooks in a studio kitchen.]
 
               
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         (voice-over) ...Down Home Country Kitchen 
                         Mit Helmut Spargle. But one day the 
                         extreme soda company that sponsored 
                         the show decided it was too old fashioned.
 
                         
               
               [A man dressed in a Jammin Orange Blast can suit walks in.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                         Spargle, you're fired! We need a chef 
                         who can attract today's younger extreme 
                         cooking show viewer.
 
               
               [Enter a younger Elzar.]

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Elzar!

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Get lost old man! Bam!

               
               [Spargle's soufflé collapses.]

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Mein soufflé!

               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Elzar had been seduced by the dark side 
                         of cooking. Cilantro, mango slasa, raspberry 
                         vinaigrette!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That twizzler!

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         As for me, I went temporarily insane 
                         and vound up here - making pies out 
                         of shoes.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         My story's a lot like yours only more 
                         interesting 'cause it involves robots. 
                         That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being 
                         a chef too.
 
               
               [He eats a piece of Spargle's pie.]

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Interesting. You wish to become a cook, 
                         but as a robot you have no sense of 
                         taste.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's so unfair! I have eight other senses 
                         but I'd trade them all, even smission, 
                         to be able to taste.
 
               
               [He takes the pie out of his chest cabinet.]

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         You don't understand. Without the distraction 
                         of taste, your mind is free to touch 
                         the Zen of pure flavour. You could become 
                         the greatest chef ever.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I could?

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer 
                         because he was deaf!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Or like how Rembrandt was blind and 
                         had wooden hands!
 
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Bender, hear me well, I shall train 
                         you. But first you must forget everything 
                         you know about cooking.
 
               
               [Bender presses a button on his body and he beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Done.

               
               [Montage Bender trains as a chef to Joe Esposito's You're The 
               Best à la The Karate Kid. First he learns to peel hover potatoes 
               blindfolded à la Luke's Jedi training in A New Hope. Spargle 
               puts a salad under Bender's ass and Bender grinds some peppercorns 
               by putting them in his mouth and twisting his head. The groud 
               pepper drops onto the salad from his ass. Spargle gives him the 
               thumbs up. Next Bender chops a vegetable very quickly with a 
               knife and ends up chopping up half his arm as well. Spargle takes 
               the knife from him, shows it to some hobos and robos and then 
               chops a tomato like someone would in those sharp knife adverts. 
               The hobos and robos applaud.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth chats to a Spanish 
               friend on the phone.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's right Ricardo, a ship in a bottle...! 
                         What's that...? Well hang on, I'll look.
 
                         
               
               [He turns around and gasps. The bottle and ship are in pieces. 
               He drops the phone.]
 
               
                                     RICARDO [ON PHONE]
                         Ola? Professor? Qué pasa?

               
               [Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. There is a storm outside. 
               It is ten to midnight in the accusing parlour and Farnsworth, 
               Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are assembled in 
               the room. Fry sits with his arms crossed and is not wearing his 
               jacket. Farnsworth paces in front of the fire with a flipchart 
               to the side of him.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I've gathered you all here in the accusing 
                         parlour because one of you is a miniature 
                         ship wrecker!
 
               
               [Zoidberg gasps.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm acting astonished.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Certain clues suggest the culprit is 
                         none other than our own...Philip J. 
                         Fry!
 
               
               [Everyone gasps. Fry uncrosses his arms revealing his "I Hate 
               Bottles" T-shirt underneath.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What?!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh it was a brilliant scheme but you 
                         made one fatal mistake...leaving this 
                         confession note.
 
               
               [He holds up a piece of paper with "Fry Confesses" written on 
               it. On the bottom of the paper "From The Desk Of Dr John Zoidberg, 
               M.D." is printed.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fry you scoundrel!

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I don't remember any of that but 
                         I don't have the wherewithal to defend 
                         myself.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Then I have no choice but to charge 
                         you the full cost of the materials. 
                         $10.
 
               
               [Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]

               
                                     FRY
                         There you go.

               
               [Zoidberg hears violin strains and puts his claws to his head.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) What have I done?!

               
               [Bumbase Alpha. Spargle is seated at a table with hobos and robos 
               gathered around. Bender walks out of a hut carrying a tray with 
               a cover on it. He hums and puts the tray on the table in front 
               of Spargle.]
 
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         Your training is complete, little dessert 
                         spoon. Now, just as the man who wishes 
                         to be world chess champion must win 
                         at least one game of chess so must you 
                         serve at least one edible meal. (whispering) 
                         Succeed and I shall reveal to you the 
                         age old secret (whispering more) of 
                         perfect flavour.
 
               
               [The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     GUS
                         Ooh yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Slop's on!

               
               [He lifts the lid. It certainly is slop.]

               
                                     GUS
                         Fine lookin' eats!

               
               [Spargle takes a bite and Bender looks on with anticipation. 
               Spargle chews and the crowd stares. Spargle swallows.]
 
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         It is...acceptable.

               
               [The hobos cheer.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait. 
                         Why'd you stop eating master?
 
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         (hoarse) Because...my stomach is about 
                         to explode.
 
               
               [The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What? My dinner killed you? Oh man!
 
                         
               
                                     SPARGLE
                         (hoarse) Oh it hurts. But don't lose 
                         confidence. The important thing is that 
                         you defeat Elzar after I am gone.  And 
                         using this, you cannot fail.
 
               
               [Bender takes it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         A diamond vial of Mrs Dash?

               
                                     SPARGLE
                         (hoarse) No, it is the essence of pure 
                         flavour. A few drops will cause the 
                         inner perfection of any dinner to blossom 
                         forth.  Oh! There goes my...life.
 
                         
               
               [He dies and falls face first into the plate of slop. The crowd 
               gasps.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll avenge you master. I swear, in 
                         the presence of these drunken bums, 
                         that I shall defeat Elzar!
 
               
                                     GUS
                         Oh I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill! 
                         But I like what what you said!
 
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender meets his opponent.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished 
                         business!
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Why you -

               
               [Bender knocks a spice weasel off Hattie's table and turns to 
               Elzar.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Helmut Spargle has a message for you. 
                         He says (hoarse) "Ooo, I'm dead!"
 
                         
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Spargle huh? What he do, bland himself 
                         to death?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No. He was eating some food I made and 
                         by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded. 
                         Now I'm here to avenge him.
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         OK but it seems like you're the one 
                         who killed him.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Maybe so but you are his sworn enemy. 
                         I challenge you to a battle of the chefs.
 
                         
               
               [He screws of his hand and smacks Elzar with it. The customers 
               gasp.]
 
               
                                     CUSTOMER
                         Scandalous!

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Very well. We'll meet on the ancient 
                         televised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum! 
                         Whosever meal is best will claim the 
                         title of Iron Cook.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Iron Cook eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% 
                         iron!  You're going down! Uh, also I 
                         had a reservation for one, under "Dr 
                         Bender."
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship crosses the city and lands outside the 
               Kitchen Coliseum: Home Of The Kitchen University Wildcats.]
 
               
               
               [Kitchen Coliseum. There are two kitchen areas on either side 
               of the studio and huge pictures of Elzar and Bender in chef gear. 
               The room is darkened.]
 
               
                                     HIROKI
                         Please welcome the superintendant of 
                         Kitchen Coliseum...Chairman Koji!  No 
                         robot chef has ever competed here but 
                         today one has barged his way in to challege 
                         for the title of...
 
               
               [Birds fly out from under Koji's cloak.]

               
                                     KOJI
                         ...Iron Cookuru!

               
               [Bender and Elzar rise from the under the floor in front of their 
               pictures. The crowd cheers. Fry and the rest of the Planet Express 
               crew watch from the seats.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Yeah you show 'em!

               
               [In the main part of the studio Hiroki sits with several celebrities 
               at a long table.]
 
               
                                     HIROKI
                         Let's meet today's celebrity judges: 
                         Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters, 
                         Ethan Bubblegum Tate!
 
               
                                     TATE
                         Konnichiwa brother!

               
                                     HIROKI
                         TV anchor-monster Morbo!

               
                                     MORBO
                         Greetings pathetic host!

               
                                     HIROKI
                         And a woman who ended a thousand year 
                         war with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's 
                         head!
 
               
                                     STEWART
                         The secret is fresh pork.

               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     HIROKI
                         And now, chairman Koji will present 
                         the theme ingredient to be used in every 
                         dish today.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (quietly) If it's chicken: chicken à 
                         la king. If it's fish: fish à la king. 
                         If it's turkey: fish à la king!
 
               
               [Koji pulls a sheet off the ingredient.]

               
                                     KOJI
                         Soylent Greuu!

               
               [The camera faces the soylent green and the caption "Soylent 
               Green" appears.]
 
               
                                     HIROKI
                         Soylent Green, a classic ingredient 
                         of gourment cooking. And the battle 
                         is on.  Aki, what's Elzar making?
 
                         
               
                                     AKI
                         Well Hiroki-san, when I asked him he 
                         asked what business it was of mine and 
                         conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
 
                         
               
                                     STEWART
                         In the English countryside many prostitutes 
                         decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender rolls some dough with his hands.]

               
                                     FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                         30 minutes to go.

               
               [Bender sits on the dough and starts rolling it.]

               
                                     HIROKI
                         Look at Bender roll that dough!

               
                                     TATE
                         I've never seen such confident, powerful 
                         strokes of the ass!
 
               
                                     STEWART
                         You've never seen mine!

               
                                     TATE
                         (sexfully) No I haven't!

               
               [Morbo gives him a weird look.]

               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                         Fifteen minutes remaining.

               
               [Elzar gives a signal and Sal rolls a hovercrane into the studio 
               carrying a huge model built from soylent green.]
 
               
                                     HIROKI
                         The iron cook is bringing in his signature 
                         creation, a working pastry replica of 
                         downtown Venice.]
 
               
               [A cameraman points a camera at the model and a shrimp rows a 
               gondola down the canal singing La Donna E Mobile. In the audience 
               a man walks around with a box strapped to his front with $10.00 
               written in it.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Commemorative turkey basters, get your 
                         commemorative turkey basters.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and 
                         I've tried everything.  Oh right. Never 
                         mind.
 
               
               [Zoidberg hears the violin strains again and puts his claws to 
               his head.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh the guilt! The unbearable guilt!
 
                         
               
                                     FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                         Fifteen seconds.

               
               [Elzar arranges his food on the plates and man wheels in a rack 
               of spice weasels. Elzar selects one.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Bam!

               
               [He takes the spice weasel off the rack and gives his food a 
               blast with it.]
 
               
                                     FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                         Ten seconds.

               
               [Bender hammers his food and arranges it on a tray. He looks 
               at it and then takes out Spargle's vial.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Master Spargle. If you can hear me up 
                         there in that ditch where I left you, 
                         this is for you.
 
               
               [He pours some flavour onto the food and a gong sounds.]

               
                                     KOJI
                         Time, uperuu!

               
               [Time Lapse. A "Tasting" caption appears on the screen.]

               
                                     HIROKI
                         The iron cook Neptunian has gone all 
                         out to please the judges. He's even 
                         garnished the salad with $100 bills. 
                         Let's see what they think.
 
               
               [Elzar puts plates of food in front of Tate and Morbo and scrapes 
               some into Stewart's jar.]
 
               
                                     TATE
                         Mmm, soylent green is my kind of people!
 
                         
               
               [He eats some more. Morbo sucks up his soylent spaghetti.]

               
                                     MORBO
                         Scrumptious. Morbo will store this in 
                         his sack for future digestion.
 
               
                                     STEWART
                         I'm swimming in my own soylent waste. 
                         It's a good thing.
 
               
               [The gong sounds again.]

               
                                     HIROKI
                         Next, up, challenger Bender. A student 
                         of the legendary Hemut Spargle, Bender 
                         is some sort of wonderful mechanical 
                         man.
 
               
               [Bender puts the plates in from of Tate and Morbo who don't react 
               too well. He scrapes some into Stewart's jar and she completely 
               disappears under it.]
 
               
                                     STEWART
                         Ooo...delicious!

               
                                     TATE
                         This food looks kind of funky, but it 
                         tastes kind of funkay!
 
               
                                     MORBO
                         The challenger's ugly food has shown 
                         us that even hideous things can be sweet 
                         on the inside.
 
               
               [He starts crying. Tate hugs him and pats his back.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The caption "Judgement" appears on the screen.]
 
               
               
                                     HIROKI
                         And now, judgement. The winner will 
                         become the new iron cook, the loser 
                         is doomed to scrub.  Who's confection 
                         achieves perfection? Who's foodstuff 
                         will be the good stuff?
 
               
               [Leela crosses her fingers.]

               
                                     KOJI
                         Challengeruu Benderuu!

               
               [Everyone applauds.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yay!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's my robot! I own him!

               
                                     BENDER
                         You honour me chairman Koji.

               
                                     KOJI
                         Domo arigato, Mr Roboto.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Chairman-san, I came here with one goal. 
                         To humiliate Elzar in a large stadium. 
                         I believe I'e done that.
 
               
               [On the other side of the studio Elzar scrubs the pots and pans.]
 
               
               
                                     ELZAR
                         No question.

               
                                     BENDER
                         But the true Zen of flavour is not found 
                         in a coliseum. It is found in a small 
                         kitchen, with friends. That is why I 
                         decline the title of Iron Cook and accept 
                         only the lesser title of Zinc Saucier 
                         which I just made up. Also it comes 
                         with double prize money.
 
               
               [Everyone cheers. But Zoidberg is not in his seat. He runs onto 
               the platform next to Bender and Koji.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Wait! Everyone must know. I broke the 
                         Professor's bottled ship.  And what 
                         is worse, I framed my dearest friend 
                         Fry! (crying) I can never repay him 
                         his ten dollars. So I must take the 
                         only honourable path. what the killing 
                         myself.  Here I go already.  Huh?
 
                         
               
                                     KOJI
                         Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!

               
               [Zoidberg drops the sword.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fry did it!

               
               [He runs away, wooping.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch the whole show 
               on TV. Bender turns it off.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And that's how I defeated Elzar - thanks 
                         to Spargle's magic liquid.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yes, we were there. And we just finished 
                         watching it on TV.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm. Let me see that vial Bender.  Good 
                         Lord! According to the spectrolizer, 
                         Spargle's magic ingredient was...water. 
                         Ordinary water!
 
               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         No!

               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, so the real gift Spargle gave you 
                         was confidence. The confidence to be 
                         your best.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing 
                         more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
 
                         
               
               [Bender takes the vial.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         The important thing is, by my standards, 
                         I won fair and square. Now, who wants 
                         brunch? Cooked with plenty of..."confidence"?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm in!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I do!

               
               [They all cheer and the episode plays out with a riff from Cream's 
               Sunshine Of Your Love.]
 
               
               THE END

               
               

30 Percent Iron Chef



Writers :   Jeff Westbrook
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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