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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 215 

                                   "A CLONE OF MY OWN"

                                           By

                                    Patric M. Verrone

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Coming Soon To An Illegal DVD.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the big 
               table. Enter Farnsworth with a sheet of paper.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news everyone, the university is 
                         bringing me up on disciplinary charges! 
                         Wait, that's not good news at all.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whatever you did Professor, I'm sure 
                         there's a reasonable explanation.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes but they won't listen. Everyone's 
                         always in favour of saving Hitler's 
                         brain but when you put it in the body 
                         of a great white shark (sarcastic) ooo, 
                         suddenly you've gone too far.
 
               
               [The ship flies towards Mars and cruises over the Mars University 
               sign.
 
               
               [Cut to: Mars University Car Park. The ship lands in the car 
               park.]
 
               
               [Mars University: Hallowed Hall. Farnsworth stands before several 
               Mars University staff members under a spotlight. He wears a top 
               hat and they are dressed formally for the tribunal.]
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         Professor Farnsworth, do you know why 
                         we've called you here today?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Listen to me you pompous frauds, if 
                         I'm going down, I'm taking you all with 
                         me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It 
                         was you driving your hover-car that 
                         night, not your horse. Dean Epsilon, 
                         I know all about your "Department Of 
                         Pool Boy Studies." And Dr Wernstrom...Werrrnstrom!
 
                         
               
                                     VERNON
                         Actually Professor, we merely called 
                         you here to say......surprise.
 
               
               [The room is filled with formally dressed people. To one side 
               a band is ready to play and Farnsworth is in the middle of the 
               room. Behind them "Happy Birthday" is displayed on a huge screen.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Surprise!

               
                                     MAN #2
                         Happy birthday!

               
               [Behind Farnsworth the Planet Express crew hold a banner reading 
               "Happy Sesquicentennial Professor Farnsworth!"]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Surprise!

               
               [Farnsworth ignores them.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And you Coach Smalley, or should I say 
                         "Coach hairpiece"?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No Professor, it's a surprise party 
                         for your 150th birthday.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (muttering) Hundred and...what? Oooh!
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender takes the mic in the middle and the other 
               staff have been replaced by Leela, Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg. 
               A picture of Farnsworth adorns the big screen. Bender plugs a 
               mic into himself.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Good evening I'm -  Whoa, sorry. I'm 
                         Bender and I'll be MC-ing this roast. 
                         Y'know, they say you can judge a man 
                         by the company he keeps, so here's the 
                         Professor's oldest friend: A grotesque, 
                         stinking lobster!
 
               
               [Zoidberg takes his place and appears on the screen.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Good evening ladies and germs.  That 
                         wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean 
                         Streptococcus.  Now I'm not saying Professor 
                         Farnsworth is old, but if you consider 
                         his age he's likely to die soon!  Hey 
                         Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's showtime 
                         at the Apollo all over again.
 
               
               [He sits down. Bender gets back up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Where would the Professor be without 
                         students who love and respect him? Right 
                         there!  But seriously, of all the former 
                         crew members of the Professor's delivery 
                         ship, our next speaker is by far the 
                         most alive. Captain Muskie?
 
               
               [A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain 
               Pike from the Star Trek two-parter The Menagerie takes the mic. 
               His wheelchair beeps once like Pike's and the audience howls 
               with laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!

               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         And now, a man who needs no introduction. 
                          (whispering) Fry, get up there!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh.  Thank you. Y'know, when I was first 
                         asked to make a film about my nephew, 
                         Professor Farnsworth, I thought "Why 
                         should I?" Then later Leela made the 
                         film. But if I had made the film, you 
                         could bet there would have been a lot 
                         more topless women on motorcycles!  
                         Roll film!
 
               
               [He sits down, the lights dim and behind him the film counts 
               down in AL1. The title Hubert Farnsworth: A Living Obituary appears 
               on the screen and it changes to a view of New New York in the 
               29th century.]
 
               
               
               [A picture of acne-faced Farnsworth dressed in a Dungeon Master 
               T-shirt appears. Fry points at the screen.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Dork alert!

               
               
               [The picture changes to Farnsworth a few minutes before.]

               
               
               [The picture freezes and is followed by the caption "Hubert J. 
               Farnsworth. To Be Continued...?" The picture ends and everyone 
               applauds. Farnsworth looks away from the screen with sadness.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         How 'bout a few words Professor?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Eh wha?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I said "words."

               
               [Farnsworth stands up and the audience applauds.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my 
                         lifetime of accomplishments summed up 
                         in a 3-minute film. My best years are 
                         behind me. So much left undone. So little 
                         time.
 
               
               [He sits down and hangs his head. Bender applauds.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Funny funny stuff.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth sits glumly on the couch 
               with the rest of the crew surrounding him.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         My life is over.

               
                                     LEELA
                         No it isn't. You have another 10 years 
                         left.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela! He could live another 100 years!
 
                         
               
               [He winks theatrically.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No, he couldn't. When you turn 160, 
                         robots from the Sunset Squad take you 
                         to a mysterious planet and you never 
                         return.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where 
                         is it?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (spookily) Nobody knows!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         So many loves half-loved. So many inventions 
                         half-invented. That damn time machine 
                         alone set me back 15 years.
 
               
               [He points to a cobweb covered contraption in the corner that 
               looks like the time machine from H.G. Wells' Time Machine.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         If only it'd worked. You could go back 
                         and not waste your time on it.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There's no one to carry on after I'm 
                         gone. No one to take care of my work 
                         and my research and my fabulous fortune. 
                          By God, that's it! I've got to name 
                         a successor.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         A successor?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A successor to the Professor?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There's no time to lose. I'm off to 
                         my lab to build a successor-naming machine!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Everyone except Farnsworth is 
               at the table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, the Professor's been in his lab 
                         for days.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I hope he didn't die. Unless he left 
                         a note naming me his successor. Then 
                         I hope he did die.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You? The successor? Over my empty shell! 
                         The Professor will pick me. Only I have 
                         his lobster-like tenacity!
 
               
               [He clacks his claws.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Up yours Zoidberg. Up wherever your 
                         species traditionally crams things. 
                         The only successful way to choose a 
                         successor is with a limbo contest.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Kingston rules. Two men go down, one 
                         come up.
 
               
               [He gets up off his chair and limbos towards the kitchen.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. He limbos underneath the oven. 
               Leela puts a bin in front of it and leans against it.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, the Professor trusts me with a 
                         giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the 
                         rest of you with his dentures.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy has Farnsworth dentures 
               in her mouth.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yesh he would.

               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry everyone but need I remind you? 
                         Blood is thicker than water.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG [WRITING]
                         Blood...thicker...water.

               
               [Planet Express: Corridor. On the lab door is a sign reading 
               "Mice Please Enter Through Maze." Farnsworth's monogrammed towel 
               hangs on a rail to the side.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are all assembled 
               for the successor naming.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. 
                         So anyone with a weak heart should leave 
                         now. Goodbye.
 
               
               [He turns to leave.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, Professor?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh yes, the announcement! As you all 
                         know, I am not long for this world...
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yes, we know.

               
                                     HERMES
                         True mon!

               
                                     AMY
                         Buh!

               
                                     FRY
                         One foot in the grave.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         ...So I've picked my successor. It's 
                         someone in whom I have great faith - 
                         even though his mind is undeveloped 
                         and he's accomplished nothing.  My closest 
                         living relative...
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh yeah!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         My clone, Cubert Farnsworth.

               
               [Fry gasps and Farnsworth throws a huge switch. Electrical gadgets 
               fizzle and a huge glass tank slides up along the wall. The lights 
               go on and the crew gaze at a chubby orange-haired boy suspended 
               in water in the tank. They gasp.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         He's horrible!

               
                                     FRY
                         Crud. Can I at least be in charge of 
                         your dentures?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         You wish!

               
                                     FRY
                         Where did Cubert come from?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         12 years ago I began the cloning process 
                         by removing some skin cells from one 
                         of the shaplier growths on my back.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, if he's your clone then why doesn't 
                         his nose look like yours?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I left him in his first tube too long 
                         and he got squished up against the side.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Is he dumb or just ugly?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Let's find out.

               
               [He presses a button and the water drains out of the tank. Cubert 
               coughs and splutters. The crew stare at him.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         What? You've never seen a genius's wiener 
                         before?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Never.

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, once in the park.

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors are open and Leela 
               works on the ship in a hover-cradle. Fry and Bender roll pennies 
               against the hangar wall. Fry grumbles. Zoidberg takes a ketchup 
               sachet out of a box, opens it and sucks the ketchup out.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Mmm!

               
               [Cubert walks into the hangar from the lab.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         As long as I'm going to be in charge 
                         here, let me examine my so called "crew," 
                         if it can so be called. First of all, 
                         Dr Zoidberg, do you even have a medical 
                         degree?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I lost it...in a volcano.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         And why do we need a bending robot around 
                         here anyway? What possible use do we 
                         have for you?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh...me no speaka the English.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         And why does our space pilot have only 
                         one eye? There's someone I'd like you 
                         to meet. His name is depth perception!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why you little -!

               
               [She takes a swipe at him but misses.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Wow, that hurt - the air!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Im pending para un bending!

               
               [Farnsworth leans over the railings.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh Cubert, come in here. I have something 
                         amazing to show you.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         What is it? A compitent employee? I 
                         doubt that very much!
 
               
               [He laughs and leaves. The crew mutter and grumble.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Little twerp.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aye chihuahua!

               
               [Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Cubert stand among Farnsworth's 
               countless inventions.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         As my successor I'm trusting you to 
                         carry on my work. These are just some 
                         of the half finished inventions you'll 
                         spend your life finishing.
 
               
               [Cubert looks at the smelloscope.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         I didn't realise you were the inventor 
                         of the junk heap.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's my prizewinning smelloscope. 
                         If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, 
                         you can bet I won't be out of the loop. 
                          And this is my universal translator. 
                         Unfortunately so far it only translates 
                         into an incomprehensible dead language.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Hello.

               
                                     UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR
                         Bonjour!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Crazy gibberish!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Don't you have any worthwhile inventions?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why certainly. Step over here.

               
               [Outside Ship. The ship cruises away from Earth. Cubert and Farnsworth 
               stand on the ship's hull near the engines.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         These are the dark matter engine I invented. 
                         They allow my starship to travel between 
                         galaxies in mere hours.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         That's impossible. You can't go faster 
                         than the speed of light.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Of course not. That's why scientists 
                         increased the speed of light in 2208.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Also impossible.

               
               [Ship's Engine Room. Farnsworth admires the dark matter engines.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And what makes my engines truly remarkable 
                         is the afterburner which delivers 200% 
                         fuel efficiency.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         That's especially impossible.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Not at all. It's very simple.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Then explain it.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now that's impossible. It came to me 
                         in a dream and I forgot it in another 
                         dream.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Your explainations are pure weapons 
                         grade balognium. It's all impossible.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Nothing is impossible. Not if you can 
                         imagine it. That's what being is a scientist 
                         is all about.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         No, that's what being a magical elf 
                         is all about.
 
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew and Cubert are in the middle 
               of their meal. Bender looks around and sees Elzar talking to 
               some other diners.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh my God, oh my God! It's Elzar, the 
                         TV chef! Oh kill me now people!
 
               
               [Elzar joins them.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         How we doing here?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh Elzar, everything's so good!

               
                                     ELZAR
                         What are you, an ass kissing machine?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes sir, good one sir!

               
               [Elzar leaves.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh it's a gem of an evening! I feel 
                         so wonderful having someone to take 
                         over my life work! And it's all thanks 
                         to Cubert.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Look Professor. I may be identical to 
                         you in every possible way but that doesn't 
                         mean I'm anything like you.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You...wha?

               
                                     CUBERT
                         I don't want to be an inventor. I want 
                         to be something useful like a teacher's 
                         aide or a prison guard or a science 
                         fiction cartoon writer.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But-But what about my hopes and my dreams 
                         and my wonderful inventions?
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         In your entire life your only half-decent 
                         invention was me and I didn't turn out 
                         like you wanted either.
 
               
               [Farnsworth looks away from Cubert and a tear trickles down his 
               face. The other look on sadly. Elzar appears in the doorway.]
 
               
               
                                     ELZAR
                         You folks still doing alright?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh yes Elzar.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Good 'cause it turns out I forgot to 
                         cook that chicken.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic. A storm rages outside the building. Farnsworth 
               puts a tape in a camcorder and steps in front of it.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bad news everyone. By the time you watch 
                         this tape, I'll be gone. Leaving by 
                         nothing but a history of failure and 
                         my original hipbones. You see, I've 
                         been lying about my age. I'm not actually 
                         150. I'm 160. Oh vanity, thy name is 
                         Professor Farnsworth. And now that I've 
                         nothing to live for, I've alerted the 
                         Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. A Sunset Squad ship flies through 
               a hole in the stormclouds and stops next to the attic balcony. 
               The door opens and something climbs out, holding a scythe.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth takes the tape out 
               of the camera and puts it in an envelope. There is a flash of 
               lightning and the windows fly open. Farnsworth gasps, turns around 
               and sees the cloaked Reaperbot. It beckons him. Farnsworth puts 
               the envelope, labelled "To My Crew," on a table and starts to 
               follow the Reaperbot outside.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Goodbye cruel world.  Goodbye cruel 
                         lamp.  Goodbye cruel velvet drapes, 
                         lined with what would appear to be some 
                         sort of cruel muslin......and the cute 
                         little pompom curtain pull cords, cruel 
                         though they may be a -
 
               
               [The Reaperbot lifts him over his shoulder and knocks him out 
               on the window.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The remaining crew and Cubert 
               watch Farnsworth's message on a hologram communicator similar 
               to the one in A New Hope.]
 
               
                                     HOLO-FARNSWORTH
                         And now that I've nothing to live for, 
                         I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots 
                         to take me away.
 
               
               [The crew gasp.]

               
                                     AMY
                         What?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh no!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh.

               
                                     HOLO-FARNSWORTH
                         I know you're all very upset, especially 
                         Bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (unmoved) Well, life goes on. Except 
                         for you!
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     HOLO-FARNSWORTH
                         I'm sure that Bender has just made a 
                         cutting remark but he doesn't know I 
                         taped over his soap operas to record 
                         this message.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You bastard!

               
                                     FRY
                         We've gotta get him back.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Impossible. No one knows where they 
                         take those old geezers.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Nothing is impossible. You'd know that 
                         if you really took after the Professor, 
                         like I do.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         You're his uncle dummy, he takes after 
                         you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...what?

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Wait a second, that means I also take 
                         after you!
 
               
               [He screams.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Quiet. I think I know how to find the 
                         Professor.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Lay it on us big boots.

               
               [Outside Planet Express. The smelloscope points around the sky 
               and Leela sniffs.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. The rest of the crew are with 
               her.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         If the smelloscope can pick up the Professor's 
                         odour, we may have a chance to save 
                         him.
 
               
               [Cubert scoffs and snorts.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         I think not. As you probably already 
                         don't know, odours are made up of particles 
                         that can't travel through the vacuum 
                         of space.
 
               
               [Bender electrocutes him and he screams.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm zeroing in on him.  Bengay...mothballs......letters 
                         to the editor. It's the Professor!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         To the flying machine!

               
               [The smelloscope has been mounted to the laser turret and the 
               ship flies at high speed through space.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry operates the smelloscope like a 
               periscope. He sniffs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         To the left!  No to the up!  U-turn, 
                         U-turn!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         We'll never find this place. Robots 
                         are very good at keeping secrets.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         No we're not you little bed wetter. 
                         Oops I'm sorry.
 
               
               [Leela points through the windscreen.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         There it is! The Near-Death Star!

               
               [Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The massive structure looks like 
               the Death Star from A New Hope with huge spikes along the circumference. 
               The ship circles a sizable dome and lands on a landing pad outside.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender and Leela put on Reaperbot cloaks.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped 
                         and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll 
                         have to dress up like a 160 year old 
                         man.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm on it!

               
               [He pulls his trousers up around his chest and starts acting 
               frail and decreped.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         (sarcastic) My God, the illusion is 
                         so perfect I almost forgot I was looking 
                         at an idiot!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Now they may ask for a DNA sample.
 
                         
               
               [Fry pulls his trousers higher.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'd like to see them find it!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         This is impossible, we don't even hae 
                         a sample of the Professor's DNA.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I think I know where to get some.

               
               [He pulls out a big syringe and points it at Cubert.]

               
               [Cubert's screams echo around the Near-Death Star.]

               
               [Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Bender, Fry and Leela 
               walk towards the opening door and past a sign reading "After 
               11pm Use Slot." Fry is wearing a lab coat, thick glasses and 
               is bending over. The is a big hump in his back.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Near-Death Star Drop Off. The trio walk in through the 
               door. Cubert starts talking from under the lab coat.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Why do I have to be the hump?

               
                                     FRY
                         'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.
 
                         
               
               [He laughs, followed by Bender and Leela. They carry on walking 
               across a large bridge towards the centre of the dome. They hear 
               whirring noises and look over the side. Machines scoop up old 
               people, strip them, bath them, dress them in night gowns and 
               finally place them in rocking chairs. The chairs move along a 
               conveyor belt towards a large tube in the middle of the dome. 
               There are conveyor belts going deep into the dome.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Your medicare dollars at work.

               
               [They reach some barrierbots and guardbots. A barrierbot lowers 
               a barrier in front of them.]
 
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Halt! Identify this guest.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth. 
                         He escaped.
 
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Escaped? No one escapes.

               
                                     BARRIERBOT #2
                         This guest does not look 160.

               
                                     FRY
                         What? I'm old. Listen. (old man voice) 
                         Hey you kids, get off the lawn!
 
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Hmm, it is true that old people are 
                         often concerned that there are children 
                         on their lawns.
 
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #2
                         There's no denying that. But we'll still 
                         need to verify his identidity with a 
                         DNA sample.
 
               
               [Bender holds up a jar labelled "Tissue Sample." The jar is filled 
               with Cubert's blood.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Got a hot steaming batch right here!
 
                         
               
               [He puts it near Barrierbot #2.]

               
                                     BARRIERBOT #2
                         We only need one cell!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh, keep the change buddy.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Stupid robot.

               
               [A guardbot turns around with its gun.]

               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Did you hump just say something?

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh....I-I've got talking hump syndrome.
 
                         
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Ah, THS.

               
               [Bender drops some of Cubert's blood into a machine and it dings 
               and displays "Hubert J. Farnsworth."]
 
               
                                     BARRIERBOT #2
                         Identity confirmed. Return this shambling 
                         shuffleboarder to his room.
 
               
               [Barrierbot #1 raises his barrier.]

               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         7152 Maple Drive.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sounds nice.

               
                                     BARRIERBOT #1
                         Prepare to be surprised.

               
               [Near-Death Star: Maple Drive. Maple Drive is filled with tens 
               of thousands of immense grave-like structures, each containing 
               thousands of small drawers, exactly like the rest of the Near-Death 
               Star. Fry takes his glasses off and he Bender and Leela look 
               around in awe.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So this is where they stick old people. 
                         It's horrific.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         At least it keeps them from driving.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. They climb into a hover vehicle and Leela flies 
               it up the side of a gravestone. She reverses it past drawer number 
               7150, Ava Porter b.2790 d.Soon; past number 7151, Eloise Porter 
               b.2856 d.Soon and finally stops it next to drawer number 7152, 
               Hubert J. Farnsworth b.2841 d.Soon. She puts her hands on the 
               handle and turns to the others.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Brace yourself for the worst.

               
               [She pulls the drawer out. Farnsworth is lying in it with at 
               least 24 tubes connected to him in various places. They all scream.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         And yet he looks so natural.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         What's happening?

               
                                     LEELA
                         He's hooked up to a life-support system. 
                          We have to disconnect him very very 
                         carefully, or the shock could kill him.
 
                         
               
               [A guardbot appears behind them in a flying machine.]

               
                                     GUARDBOT #1
                         Freeze!  Seize them!

               
                                     GUARDBOT #2
                         Seize them!

               
                                     GUARDBOT #3
                         Seize them!

               
                                     GUARDBOT #4
                         Seize them!

               
                                     GUARDBOT #1
                         Get them - I mean seize them!

               
               [They round another corner and a guardbot hits a gravestone.]
 
               
               
                                     GUARDBOT #2
                         Aww I'm so bad at this!

               
               [His hover-ship explodes. Leela looks behind at the other guardbots 
               and steers the ship past some huge machines loading old people 
               into their final resting places. She ducks and dives over and 
               under them and another guardbot meets his doom.]
 
               
                                     GUARDBOT #3
                         Uh-oh!

               
               [His ship hits a machine and explodes. Leela turns the ship upwards.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. She smashes the ship 
               through barrierbot #1 and he screams and feebly lifts what remains 
               of it up and down. Leela, Bender, Fry and hump's hover-ship speeds 
               towards the door. It starts to close.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're probably going to make it, but 
                         we might not.
 
               
               [Cubert looks out the top of the lab coat.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         It's impossible, we'll never fit.

               
                                     FRY
                         Will too.

               
               [He and Bender duck and Cubert smashes his head on the closing 
               door, screams and flies back.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Cubert is lying 
               on the Professor, dazed.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Told you.

               
               [He blacks out. The hover-ship flies towards the landing pad.]
 
               
               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Leela runs into the cockpit followed by Bender 
               carying Farnsworth, followed by Fry dragging Cubert. He drops 
               Cubert and his heads hits the floor with a thunk.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Come on Leela, step your big boot down 
                         on the gas pedal.
 
               
               [And she does.]

               
               [Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship takes off and 
               the landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three 
               guardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 opens fire on the ship and two 
               laser pulses hit the ship's engine, causing it to shut down. 
               The ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots start buzzing 
               around it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. An alarm beeps and a red light flashes.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         They've blown out one of our engines!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix 
                         it! Fix it fix it fix it!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Only the Professor knows how to fix 
                         it. We have to wake him up.
 
               
               [She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry 
               blasts him with an airhorn and Bender empties a chest cabinet-ful 
               of water over him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Try shocking him.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Your social security cheque 
                         is late! Stuff costs more than it used 
                         to. Young people use curse words!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Damnit, we'll have to fix the engine 
                         ourself.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We can't you bastard, no one knows how 
                         it works. It's impossible.
 
               
               [Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Nothing is impossible. I understand 
                         how the engines work now. It came to 
                         me in a dream.  The engines don't move 
                         the ship at all. The ship stays where 
                         it is and the engines move the universe 
                         around it.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's a complete load.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Nothing's a complete load. Not if you 
                         can imagine it. That's what being a 
                         scientist is all about. Right Professor?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Eh...whuh...

               
               [Cubert closes the access panel.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Let's ride!

               
               [Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship's engines power 
               up and they begin to move the universe in a flow-mo sequence 
               lifted from The Matrix. The ship flies away, it's exhaust blasting 
               the guardbots away. Near-Death Star defenses fire on the ship 
               and repeatedly miss as it makes its getaway.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Cubert and Farnsworth walk in 
               from the lounge.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Good news everyone, he's made a complete 
                         recovery.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Wow!

               
                                     LEELA
                         All right!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm as spry as a 140 year old.  See? 
                         I only broke one ankle.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So what were they doing to you in that 
                         awful drawer?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre 
                         virtual world that seemed absolutely 
                         real.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         What was it like?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It was as though I was living in a facility 
                         in Florida with hundreds of other old 
                         people. All day long we'd play bingo, 
                         eat oatmeal and wait for our children 
                         to call.
 
               
               [Everyone gasps in horror.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's a hundred times more horrible than 
                         anything I could imagine.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh my yes. Thank you all for saving 
                         me. Especially you my little clone. 
                         No matter what you decide to do with 
                         your life, I'm still proud of you.
 
                         
               
               [Cubert hugs Farnsworth.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         I've already decided. Dad, when I grow 
                         up I wanna be just like you.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't worry son. You will. Incidentally, 
                         you might want to read up on a condition 
                         known as "wandering bladder."
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Why?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No reason. No reason at all.

               
               THE END

               
               

A Clone Of My Own



Writers :   Patric M. Verrone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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