"A HEAD IN THE POLLS"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: From The Makers Of Futurama.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with
their feet up on the table. There are crumbs, Chinese take-away
boxes and a burger on the table. A creepy Twilight Zone-esque
show starts on the TV. The opening titles are a star field background
with various objects flying past the camera.]
(voice-over; on TV) You're entering
the vicinity of an area adjacent to
a location. The kind of place where
there might be a monster or some kind
of weird mirror. These are just examples.
It could also be something much better.
Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As
per your request, please find enclosed
the last man on earth.
[The camera stops moving. The man climbs some stairs into a public
library. The scene moves inside where the man walks between the
Finally, solitude. I can read books
for all eternity. It's not fair! It's
not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that
bad. I can still read the large print
books. It's not f --! Well, lucky I
know how to read Braille! Hey, look
at that weird mirror!
Cursed by his own hubris!
There's a political debate on! Quick,
change the channel!
Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned
on the debate!
[Leela changes the channel herself. Two men who look remarkably
alike stand at podiums. There are just two people in the audience.]
(voice-over; on TV) C-SPAN9 presents:
The Thrill Of Politics.
[Fry and Bender snore. Leela sighs and slides Fry across the
couch and sits between them. They wake up.]
Look, I know there are no car chases
but this is important. One of these
two men will become president of the
What do we care? We live in the United
The United States is part of the world.
Wow! I have been gone a long time.
[One of the candidates, Jack Johnson, begins the debate.]
It's time someone had the courage to
stand up and say: "I'm against those
things that everybody hates".
[The other candidate is John Jackson.]
Now I respect my opponent. I think
he's a good man but, quite frankly,
I agree with everything he just said!
These are the candidates? They sound
like clones. Wait a minute. They are
Don't let their identical DNA fool you.
They differ on some key issues.
I say your three cent titanium tax
goes too far.
And I say your three cent titanium
tax doesn't go too far enough!
If I were registered to vote, I send
these clowns a message by staying home
on election day and dressing up like
You're not registered?
Nope. Not vaccinated either! Besides.
It's not like one vote ever made a difference.
That's not true. The first robot president
won by exactly one vote.
Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine.
He struck a cord with the voters when
he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
But, like most politicians, he promised
more than he could deliver.
The point is, one vote can make a difference
and even though it won't, I'm still
taking you to get registered.
Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all
Professor, when did you become so obsessed
The very instant I became old.
[Citihall. Two banners have been hung outside, one saying "Voter
Registration" and the other saying "First 100 Customers Get Extra
Vote". The Planet Express staff stand in the middle of a room.
On one side is Jack Johnson's party, the Tastycrats, and on the
other is John Jackson's, the Fingerlicans.]
The problem with both parties is that
they always want to give your tax dollars
to the less fortunate.
The less fortunate get all the breaks!
You know, Fry, you could join a third
Only weirdos and mutants join third
Really? I'd better keep an eye out at
the next meeting.
What party do you belong to, Bender?
I'm not allowed to vote.
'Cause you're a robot?
No, convicted felon.
[Time Lapse. Some of the other parties are the One Cell, One
Vote party which is represented by two amoebae; the Green Party,
represented by five green aliens and the Brain Slug Party, represented
by two people with Brain Slugs on their heads.]
We favour unreasonably huge subsidies
to the Brain Slug Planet.
OK, but what are the Brain Slugs who
control you gonna do for the working
Attach Brain Slugs to them.
(sarcastic) Sure, you say that now!
[Amy looks at the Dudes For The Legalation Of Hemp party.]
So, is it true you can make all kinds
of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
Dave's not here, man.
I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.
It does? No way! I gotta check out this
[He picks up a burger and munches on it. Farnsworth is over at
the National Ray-Gun Association stand.]
So what are you doing to protect my
constitutional right to bear doomsday
Well, first off, we're gonna get rid
of that three-day waiting period for
Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist
can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow
it's the mad grad student. Where will
Amen, brother. I don't go anywhere without
my mutated anthrax......for duck hunting.
[Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical
Treatment Of Humans stand.]
Sure, humans are cute, but how else
are we supposed to test cosmetics?
[Hermes has a Brain Slug attached to his head.]
[Fry and Leela check out the Voter Apathy Party. The man sits
at the stand, leaning his head on his hand.]
Now here's a party I can get excited
about. Sign me up!
Sorry, not with that attitude.
(downbeat) OK then, screw it.
Welcome aboard, brother!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Fry and Leela are back on the
That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually
starting to get interested in politics.
[Leela turns the TV on for the election coverage, presented by
Morbo and Linda. Fry and Bender fall asleep. In the studio, there
is picture of the hardhat guy giving a thumbs up with a question
mark above him and "Decision 3000" below him.]
And so, with two weeks left in the
campaign, the question on everyone's
mind is who will be the next president
of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival
John Jackson? Two terrific candidates,
All humans are vermin in the eyes of
In other local news, disaster struck
on Saturn’s moon of Titan today, when
a titanium mine collapsed, trapping
1,000 robot workers.
[Bender wakes up.]
What? Lord have mercy!
Unless something is done quickly, the
trapped robots will be dead within 300
years. Sir, what rescue operations
The plan is basically to pave over
the area and get on with our lives.
[Bender gasps. The picture cuts back to the studio.]
News of the mines closing sent titanium
Alright! I'm rich!
What are you talking about?
My body's 40% titanium! I'm finally
richer than those snooty ATM machines.
Too bad you can't spend it.
(ironic) Oh, can't I?
Watch me, poor man.
[Outside Rook Takes Pawnshop.]
(from inside) Pleasure doing business
[Bender laughs. The pawnbroker carries Bender's head out of the
building and sets it down on the pavement. Bender is holding
a wad of cash in his mouth.]
Game's over, losers. I have all the
money! Compare your lives to mine and
then kill yourselves! Hey, get away.
Shoo! I'll give you five dollars to
not do what you're thinking about doing.
You just lost five dollars!
[Time Lapse. The dog has gone.]
Hey, buddy. Little help? (shouting)
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Leela and
Fry are sat around the conference table. Fry is eating a bowl
of Bachelor Chow. Bender's head flies through the window, bounces
off the screen and lands in the middle of the table.]
Bender? What happened to you?
Yeah, you look different. Did you get
No, I sold my body.
[He spits the cash out of his mouth.]
Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been
down that road. I know it's glamorous
and the parties are great but you'll
end up spending every dollar you make
on jewellery and skintight pants.
This is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna
live without a body?
Pft. Bodies are for hookers and fat
people! All I need is a wad of cash
with a head wrapped around it.
Well, at least now you can pay off your
Yeah, right. What's he gonna do, break
[Fancy Pad. Bender lives the high life. He sits on a lilo in
a pool, reading Playbot with a lackey nearby.]
Ah, this is the life. Another martini,
[Time Lapse. At the bar the man pours the drinks straight into
Bender's head through his antenna hole.]
Shaken, not stirred. Aw, yeah!
[Casino. Fry and Leela join Bender for a game of Roulette.]
Put it all on black.
[Fry slides Bender's chips down the table and knocks Bender onto
the wheel. He bounces around on it before it stops. His antenna
points to a number.]
21 red. I beg your pardon, 33 black.
Yes! The rich get richer!
[Bowling Alley. The machine returns Leela's ball, which looks
like an eye. Fry bowls Bender's head down the lane and it knocks
down all the pins.]
Strike! In your face, Leela! Ow!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler runs through a door flap being
chased by Bender in a little car. Amy and Zoidberg dive out of
the way of the car...]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. ...as Bender drives it
through the doorway. He hits a gibbering Farnsworth in the shins.]
[Farnsworth falls over.]
Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your
Maybe if you clean up first. It looks
like your neck stepped in something.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body!
Hey! You look me in the shins and say
I've had it up to here with this place.
I'm off to the Head Museum to hang out
with classy heads like me who appreciate
the finer things: poetry, philosophy,
hats. So long, coffin stuffers. Uh,
could one of you coffin stuffers please
[Head Museum: Hall of Celebrities. Fry, Bender and Leela pass
the heads of such movie stars as Charlie Chaplin, Jack Nicholson,
Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Clint Eastwood, Leonardo DiCaprio,
Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone; such B-movie stars as Mimi
Rogers, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elvis, Eric Stoltz and Martin
Lawrence; such porn stars as Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Samuel
Genitals, Jill Big Breasts and Long D. Silver and TV stars David
Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, Lucille
Ball and Katey Sagal.]
Now, which group of heads is good enough
for me to hang out with? What do you
think, Fry? Fry?
[Fry is talking to Claudia Schiffer's head in the supermodels
Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
I recognise you. Didn't you used to
have a body of some sort?
Yeah, but it was holding me back. You
know, I just did the cover of the Sports
Illustrated Swimcap Issue.
Well, you're looking great.
Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few
[Head Museum: Hall of Presidents.]
Ah, US presidents. Sturdy shelves,
good security. This place has class.
(to Leela) Hey, sugar cookie. You know,
legally, nothing I can do counts as
I apologise for his rudeness, ma'am.
He gets this way around meaty-looking
(to Clinton) Hey, I remember you. I
was gonna vote for you one time. But
voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone
and got trashed on Listerine.
Frankly, I've never felt voting to be
all that essential to the process.
No kidding, Ford.
[Bender tells Washington an anecdote.]
So then the hookerbot says, "That's
not my expansion slot" and my friends
says, "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin
Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh
You know, I like it here. What's the
rent on one of these jars?
Sorry, Bender, but we just can't allow
every Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in.
No offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the
closet of presidential losers.
[The closet is filled with the heads of Bob Dole, Lyndon LaRouche,
Walter Mondale and Ross Perot as well as some cleaning supplies.]
Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't
stop with the "knock knock" jokes.
So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened
to your body?
I hocked it.
Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
Same reason you hocked your teeth.
Ah. Booze money.
I remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned,
riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican
body! God, I loved it.
I hear that. I spent most of my teen
years loving my body. Course, it was
tough love but -- ooh!
[Leela elbows him in the stomach.]
Fry, he opened up relations with China.
He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
So, Nixon. Even if you miss your body,
being a head's great too, right?
No, son. It's a sad and lonely life.
Oh, great. Now you tell me!
That's my style. I like to kick 'em
when they're down!
[Bender looks sad.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Bender's Bedroom. Bender's head has a
tiny bed and he is wearing a nightcap. He tosses and turns. He
starts dreaming and 1's and 0's appear out of blackness.]
one, zero, zero, one --
[The numbers appear faster and faster and he wakes up screaming.
Fry opens the door.]
Bender, what is it?
Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and
zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw
It was just a dream, Bender. There's
no such thing as two.
I know what this is about. My body loved
me, and I turned its back on it. Well,
old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round
your neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home!
[Rook Takes Pawnshop. The next morning, Fry and Bender are back
at the pawnshop. There is a metal detector, a TV, some suitcases
and a guitar in the shop.]
You sold my body? To who?!
I can't reveal that information, but
you look like a nice robot. Tell you
what, I'll give you 50 bucks for the
[He starts counting out some cash.]
Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is sat on the couch stark naked
with Bender, Leela and Farnsworth.]
(crying) Oh! How could I let this happen?
I can't go through the rest of my life
Don't you have a self-destruct button?
(crying) Yeah, but it's on my body.
What am I gonna do?
Ah, I can't stand to see a robot cry.
Let's watch TV!
[He turns it on. Richard Nixon's head is giving a press conference.]
And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing
my head into the ring. I'm announcing
my candidacy for the presidency of Earth.
[Cut to: Nixon's Press Conference. The reporters wave their hands
in the air.]
Just one question.
[A man stands up.]
Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the
constitution clearly states that nobody
can be elected president more than twice.
That's right, nobody. But as you can
plainly see, I've got a shiny new body!
[He starts dancing. His new body is Bender's old body, plus a
new red tie.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Gasps aplenty.]
Bender, he's got your body!
That dirty, double-crossing bastard!
How dare he run off with Richard Nixon!
[Time Lapse. Fry has put on some new clothes.]
Nixon must have bought your body from
the pawn shop.
Yeah, and that electric guitar.
[Nixon plays Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit.]
(singing; on TV} Remember what the dormouse
Feed your head.
(talking) I'm meeting you half way, you stupid hippies! [Cheers
from the crowd.] I am not a crook's head!
Yeah you are, you stole my body! Fry,
Leela, you gotta help me!
Ordinarily I'd say no and lecture you
on how this is your own fault for being
such an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon
is on the loose, we have a duty to take
[Washington D.C. The Planet Express ship lands beside the Washington
Monument and the much larger Clinton Monument.]
[Presidential Debate. Jack Johnson, John Jackson and Nixon are
at the debate, headed by Morbo.]
Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates:
Puny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's
good friend, Richard Nixon.
Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Belligerent and numerous.
Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
[He takes a baby out of his chest cabinet and kisses it.]
Great. First he steals my body, now
he's touching my stuff.
Come on. We've gotta find some way to
talk to him.
[They sneak out.]
Morbo demands an answer to the following
question: If you saw delicious candy
in the hands of a small child would
you seize and consume it?
I wouldn't think of it.
What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind
you you are under a truth-o-scope.
[The truth-o-scope hovers over Nixon's head and he starts to
Uh, well, I, uh...the question is-is
vague. You don't say what kind of candy,
whether anyone is watching or uh...
At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm
[The truth-o-scope beeps.]
[Nixon's Dressing Room. He squirts cleaner on his jar and rubs
it. His campaign manager is with him.]
You scored big points tonight, sir.
What are you talking about? They ate
me alive out there.
Yes, but your body stayed on message.
And that message is, "Look at my shiny
new body". The robots ate it up. You've
got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule
[Bender, Fry and Leela come out of a dirty laundry hamper.]
Give me my body back you two-bit thief!
Now look here, you drugged out communist.
I paid for this body and I'd no sooner
return it than I would my little cocker
spaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damnit!
Please, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to
your sense of decency.
That was a good one!
Seriously though, I'm never giving back
this body. Now beat it! Before I get
Cambodian on your asses!
[Fxjkhr Monument. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the 60th president's
monument. He was a huge monster, and his statue shows him devouring
a person. There are skulls around his feet.]
(crying) It's hopeless. We might as
well turn in my head for the five cent
No way! I'm not letting my best friend
get recycled. Not for five cents, not
for five hundred cents! Leela, I've
got a plan!
I've got a better plan.
[Outside Watergate Hotel. Fry and Leela, dressed in black, creep
around the side of the building. The two carry a bag between
them with Bender‘s head inside. A searchlight moves past them
and they freeze.]
(whispering) Why would Nixon stay at
(whispering) They give you a discount
if you've been here before.
[She shoots a grappling hook onto the roof. The hook scurries
across the roof, wraps itself around a pipe and gives the rope
[Time Lapse. Leela hauls herself up the side of the building.]
Keep going, we're right behind you.
[He's just holding onto her and letting her do all the climbing.
Bender looks through a window.]
Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two!
We're in a room!
Well then lose some weight.
[Leela pulls Fry onto a ledge and they pull back some curtains.
Nixon is asleep in front of a TV.]
[Cut to: Nixon's Hotel Room. Fry and Leela climb in.]
(sleep-talking) Oh, yeah. You women's
libbers really know how to party!
(whispering) Psst! There I am!
[Leela starts unscrewing Nixon's jar from Bender's body.]
(sleep-talking) Hey, Betty Friedan.
Send a little of that lotion my way!
OK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't
[Fry is lying on a bed, not listening. He looks at a box beside
the bed marked "Magic Tentacles".]
[The bed starts to shake and the tentacles throw Fry around.
Nixon wakes up and gasps.]
What the...? You shaggy peaceniks have
I'm just here for what's mine. Don't
make me kick your neck.
Bring it on, soup can.
[They growl and start very slowly edging their way towards each
Alright, break it up, you two!
[She puts them on the couch.]
That's it. You're all going to jail.
And don't expect me to grant a pardon
like that sissy, Ford.
You'll never pardon anybody because
you'll never get elected president.
The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained
idiots they were back in your time.
Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers
may be twice as fast as they were in
1973 but your average voter is as drunk
and stupid as ever. The only one who's
changed is me. I've become bitter and,
let's face it, crazy over the years.
And once I'm swept into office, I'll
sell our children's organs to zoos for
meat and I'll go into people's houses
at night and wreck up the place.
Well, he lost my vote.
Like one vote ever made a difference.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to inch myself over to the phone and
call the police.
[He starts hopping his way over.]
Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar
with audio tape?
[He rewinds a tape in his head.]
Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.
And I'll go into people's houses at
night and wreck up the place!
My God? I really sound like that? I
thought my voice had more of a Clark
[Leela takes the tape out of Bender’s mouth.]
The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you
the tape for the body.
Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a
Hey, I've got one last thought.
[The magic tentacles grab him and start throwing him around again.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on
the couch holding Earth flags. Enter Bender.]
Ah, it's good to be back in one piece
again. Except I can't get these damn
bumper stickers off.
[He turns around and shows them his "Nixon's Head's The One"
and "Impeach This!" bumper stickers.]
The sheer drama of this election has
driven voter turnout to it's highest
level in centuries -- 6%
Exit polls show evil underdog Richard
Nixon trailing with an estimated zero
Yes! The system works!
The time is 7:59 and the robot polls
are now opening...and the robot vote
is in. Nixon has won!
Get out of town!
Why would robots vote for Nixon now
that he's just a head in a jar?
[Cut to: Nixon's Campaign Headquarters.]
I give you the next president of Earth!
[Nixon comes through the flag with his head atop a massive robot
body. He steps on his campaign manager and crushes her.]
(shouting) Nixon's back!
[His robot supporters cheer.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]
I can't believe it. He won by a single
Well it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting
felon, thank you.
Well it's not my fault either 'cause
I forgot to vote.
Oh, crud. I knew there was something
I meant to do today.
Morbo congratulates out gargantuan
cyborg president. May death come quickly
to his enemies.
[Washington D.C. Street. People run away as Nixon uproots trees
and crushes cars to Hail to the Chief.]
Aroo! Who's kicking who around now?
[Cut to: Outside White House.]
[He pounds down the wall with his fists, walks in and laughs.]