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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 207 

                                  "A HEAD IN THE POLLS"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: From The Makers Of Futurama.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with 
               their feet up on the table. There are crumbs, Chinese take-away 
               boxes and a burger on the table. A creepy Twilight Zone-esque 
               show starts on the TV. The opening titles are a star field background 
               with various objects flying past the camera.]
 
               
                                     NARRATOR
                         (voice-over; on TV) You're entering 
                         the vicinity of an area adjacent to 
                         a location.  The kind of place where 
                         there might be a monster or some kind 
                         of weird mirror.  These are just examples. 
                         It could also be something much better. 
                          Prepare to enter The Scary Door.  As 
                         per your request, please find enclosed 
                         the last man on earth.
 
               
               [The camera stops moving. The man climbs some stairs into a public 
               library. The scene moves inside where the man walks between the 
               bookshelves.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                          Finally, solitude. I can read books 
                         for all eternity.  It's not fair! It's 
                         not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that 
                         bad. I can still read the large print 
                         books.  It's not f --! Well, lucky I 
                         know how to read Braille!  Hey, look 
                         at that weird mirror!
 
               
               [Fry shudders.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Cursed by his own hubris!

               
               [Enter Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         There's a political debate on! Quick, 
                         change the channel!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned 
                         on the debate!
 
               
               [Leela changes the channel herself. Two men who look remarkably 
               alike stand at podiums. There are just two people in the audience.]
 
               
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         (voice-over; on TV) C-SPAN9 presents: 
                         The Thrill Of Politics.
 
               
               [Fry and Bender snore. Leela sighs and slides Fry across the 
               couch and sits between them. They wake up.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, I know there are no car chases 
                         but this is important. One of these 
                         two men will become president of the 
                         world.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What do we care? We live in the United 
                         States.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The United States is part of the world.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! I have been gone a long time.
 
                         
               
               [One of the candidates, Jack Johnson, begins the debate.]

               
                                     JOHNSON
                          It's time someone had the courage to 
                         stand up and say: "I'm against those 
                         things that everybody hates".
 
               
               [The other candidate is John Jackson.]

               
                                     JACKSON
                          Now I respect my opponent. I think 
                         he's a good man but, quite frankly, 
                         I agree with everything he just said!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         These are the candidates? They sound 
                         like clones.  Wait a minute. They are 
                         clones!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't let their identical DNA fool you. 
                         They differ on some key issues.
 
               
                                     JOHNSON
                          I say your three cent titanium tax 
                         goes too far.
 
               
                                     JACKSON
                          And I say your three cent titanium 
                         tax doesn't go too far enough!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         If I were registered to vote, I send 
                         these clowns a message by staying home 
                         on election day and dressing up like 
                         a clown.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're not registered?

               
                                     FRY
                         Nope. Not vaccinated either! Besides. 
                         It's not like one vote ever made a difference.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's not true. The first robot president 
                         won by exactly one vote.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine. 
                         He struck a cord with the voters when 
                         he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But, like most politicians, he promised 
                         more than he could deliver.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The point is, one vote can make a difference 
                         and even though it won't, I'm still 
                         taking you to get registered.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, that's a capital idea. Let's all 
                         go register.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Professor, when did you become so obsessed 
                         with voting?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The very instant I became old.

               
               [Citihall. Two banners have been hung outside, one saying "Voter 
               Registration" and the other saying "First 100 Customers Get Extra 
               Vote". The Planet Express staff stand in the middle of a room. 
               On one side is Jack Johnson's party, the Tastycrats, and on the 
               other is John Jackson's, the Fingerlicans.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The problem with both parties is that 
                         they always want to give your tax dollars 
                         to the less fortunate.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         The less fortunate get all the breaks!
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You know, Fry, you could join a third 
                         party, maybe.
 
               
               [Amy scoffs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Only weirdos and mutants join third 
                         parties.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Really? I'd better keep an eye out at 
                         the next meeting.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What party do you belong to, Bender?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm not allowed to vote.

               
                                     FRY
                         'Cause you're a robot?

               
                                     BENDER
                         No, convicted felon.

               
               [Time Lapse. Some of the other parties are the One Cell, One 
               Vote party which is represented by two amoebae; the Green Party, 
               represented by five green aliens and the Brain Slug Party, represented 
               by two people with Brain Slugs on their heads.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         We favour unreasonably huge subsidies 
                         to the Brain Slug Planet.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK, but what are the Brain Slugs who 
                         control you gonna do for the working 
                         man?
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Attach Brain Slugs to them.

               
                                     FRY
                         (sarcastic) Sure, you say that now!
 
                         
               
               [Amy looks at the Dudes For The Legalation Of Hemp party.]

               
                                     AMY
                         So, is it true you can make all kinds 
                         of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
 
               
                                     STONED GUY
                         Dave's not here, man.

               
                                     AMY
                         I also heard hemp makes great shampoo.
 
                         
               
                                     STONED GUY
                         It does? No way! I gotta check out this 
                         brochure!
 
               
               [He picks up a burger and munches on it. Farnsworth is over at 
               the National Ray-Gun Association stand.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         So what are you doing to protect my 
                         constitutional right to bear doomsday 
                         devices?
 
               
                                     N.R.A. MAN
                         Well, first off, we're gonna get rid 
                         of that three-day waiting period for 
                         mad scientists.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Damn straight! Today, the mad scientist 
                         can't get a doomsday device, tomorrow 
                         it's the mad grad student. Where will 
                         it end?
 
               
                                     N.R.A. MAN
                         Amen, brother. I don't go anywhere without 
                         my mutated anthrax......for duck hunting.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical 
               Treatment Of Humans stand.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Sure, humans are cute, but how else 
                         are we supposed to test cosmetics?
 
                         
               
               [Hermes has a Brain Slug attached to his head.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         I concur.

               
               [Fry and Leela check out the Voter Apathy Party. The man sits 
               at the stand, leaning his head on his hand.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Now here's a party I can get excited 
                         about. Sign me up!
 
               
                                     V.A.P. MAN
                         Sorry, not with that attitude.

               
                                     FRY
                         (downbeat) OK then, screw it.

               
                                     V.A.P. MAN
                         Welcome aboard, brother!

               
                                     FRY
                         (excited) Alright!

               
                                     V.A.P. MAN
                         You're out.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Fry and Leela are back on the 
               couch.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That was pretty cool. I think I'm actually 
                         starting to get interested in politics.
 
                         
               
               [Leela turns the TV on for the election coverage, presented by 
               Morbo and Linda. Fry and Bender fall asleep. In the studio, there 
               is picture of the hardhat guy giving a thumbs up with a question 
               mark above him and "Decision 3000" below him.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          And so, with two weeks left in the 
                         campaign, the question on everyone's 
                         mind is who will be the next president 
                         of Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival 
                         John Jackson? Two terrific candidates, 
                         huh, Morbo?
 
               
                                     MORBO
                          All humans are vermin in the eyes of 
                         Morbo.
 
               
               [Linda laughs.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          In other local news, disaster struck 
                         on Saturn’s moon of Titan today, when 
                         a titanium mine collapsed, trapping 
                         1,000 robot workers.
 
               
               [Bender wakes up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What? Lord have mercy!

               
                                     LINDA
                          Unless something is done quickly, the 
                         trapped robots will be dead within 300 
                         years.  Sir, what rescue operations 
                         are planned?
 
               
                                     MINE SPOKESMAN
                          The plan is basically to pave over 
                         the area and get on with our lives.
 
                         
               
               [Bender gasps. The picture cuts back to the studio.]

               
                                     MORBO
                          News of the mines closing sent titanium 
                         prices skyrocketing.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright! I'm rich!

               
                                     LEELA
                         What are you talking about?

               
                                     BENDER
                         My body's 40% titanium!  I'm finally 
                         richer than those snooty ATM machines.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Too bad you can't spend it.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (ironic) Oh, can't I?

               
                                     FRY
                         No.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Watch me, poor man.

               
               [Outside Rook Takes Pawnshop.]

               
                                     PAWNBROKER
                         (from inside) Pleasure doing business 
                         with you.
 
               
               [Bender laughs. The pawnbroker carries Bender's head out of the 
               building and sets it down on the pavement. Bender is holding 
               a wad of cash in his mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Game's over, losers. I have all the 
                         money! Compare your lives to mine and 
                         then kill yourselves!  Hey, get away. 
                         Shoo! I'll give you five dollars to 
                         not do what you're thinking about doing. 
                          You just lost five dollars!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The dog has gone.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, buddy. Little help?  (shouting) 
                         Thank you!
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Leela and 
               Fry are sat around the conference table. Fry is eating a bowl 
               of Bachelor Chow. Bender's head flies through the window, bounces 
               off the screen and lands in the middle of the table.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hello, peasants.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender? What happened to you?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, you look different. Did you get 
                         a haircut?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, I sold my body.

               
               [He spits the cash out of his mouth.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been 
                         down that road. I know it's glamorous 
                         and the parties are great but you'll 
                         end up spending every dollar you make 
                         on jewellery and skintight pants.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         This is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna 
                         live without a body?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Pft. Bodies are for hookers and fat 
                         people! All I need is a wad of cash 
                         with a head wrapped around it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, at least now you can pay off your 
                         loan shark.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, right. What's he gonna do, break 
                         my legs?
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
               [Fancy Pad. Bender lives the high life. He sits on a lilo in 
               a pool, reading Playbot with a lackey nearby.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, this is the life. Another martini, 
                         please.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. At the bar the man pours the drinks straight into 
               Bender's head through his antenna hole.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Shaken, not stirred.  Aw, yeah!

               
               [Casino. Fry and Leela join Bender for a game of Roulette.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Put it all on black.

               
               [Fry slides Bender's chips down the table and knocks Bender onto 
               the wheel. He bounces around on it before it stops. His antenna 
               points to a number.]
 
               
                                     CROUPIER
                         21 red.  I beg your pardon, 33 black.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! The rich get richer!

               
               [Bowling Alley. The machine returns Leela's ball, which looks 
               like an eye. Fry bowls Bender's head down the lane and it knocks 
               down all the pins.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Strike! In your face, Leela!  Ow!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler runs through a door flap being 
               chased by Bender in a little car. Amy and Zoidberg dive out of 
               the way of the car...]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. ...as Bender drives it 
               through the doorway. He hits a gibbering Farnsworth in the shins.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Timber!

               
               [Farnsworth falls over.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Bender, can I take a ride in your 
                         car?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Maybe if you clean up first. It looks 
                         like your neck stepped in something. 
                         Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! You look me in the shins and say 
                         that.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I've had it up to here with this place. 
                         I'm off to the Head Museum to hang out 
                         with classy heads like me who appreciate 
                         the finer things: poetry, philosophy, 
                         hats. So long, coffin stuffers.  Uh, 
                         could one of you coffin stuffers please 
                         carry me?
 
               
               [Head Museum: Hall of Celebrities. Fry, Bender and Leela pass 
               the heads of such movie stars as Charlie Chaplin, Jack Nicholson, 
               Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Clint Eastwood, Leonardo DiCaprio, 
               Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone; such B-movie stars as Mimi 
               Rogers, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elvis, Eric Stoltz and Martin 
               Lawrence; such porn stars as Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Samuel 
               Genitals, Jill Big Breasts and Long D. Silver and TV stars David 
               Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, Lucille 
               Ball and Katey Sagal.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now, which group of heads is good enough 
                         for me to hang out with? What do you 
                         think, Fry? Fry?
 
               
               [Fry is talking to Claudia Schiffer's head in the supermodels 
               section.]
 
               
                                     SCHIFFER
                         Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.

               
                                     FRY
                         I recognise you. Didn't you used to 
                         have a body of some sort?
 
               
                                     SCHIFFER
                         Yeah, but it was holding me back. You 
                         know, I just did the cover of the Sports 
                         Illustrated Swimcap Issue.
 
               
               [Fry purrs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, you're looking great.

               
                                     SCHIFFER
                         Thanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few 
                         pounds though.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Couldn't hurt.

               
               [Head Museum: Hall of Presidents.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, US presidents.  Sturdy shelves, 
                         good security.  This place has class.
 
                         
               
                                     CLINTON
                         (to Leela) Hey, sugar cookie. You know, 
                         legally, nothing I can do counts as 
                         sex anymore.
 
               
                                     FORD
                         I apologise for his rudeness, ma'am. 
                         He gets this way around meaty-looking 
                         women.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (to Clinton) Hey, I remember you. I 
                         was gonna vote for you one time. But 
                         voting isn't cool so I stayed home alone 
                         and got trashed on Listerine.
 
               
                                     FORD
                         Frankly, I've never felt voting to be 
                         all that essential to the process.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         No kidding, Ford.

               
               [Bender tells Washington an anecdote.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         So then the hookerbot says, "That's 
                         not my expansion slot" and my friends 
                         says, "That's not my gold-plated 25-pin 
                         connector!"
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     WASHINGTON
                         Oh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh 
                         me up.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You know, I like it here. What's the 
                         rent on one of these jars?
 
               
                                     BUSH SR.
                         Sorry, Bender, but we just can't allow 
                         every Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in. 
                         No offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Maybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the 
                         closet of presidential losers.
 
               
               [The closet is filled with the heads of Bob Dole, Lyndon LaRouche, 
               Walter Mondale and Ross Perot as well as some cleaning supplies.]
 
               
               
                                     DOLE
                         Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't 
                         stop with the "knock knock" jokes.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Pass.

               
                                     WASHINGTON
                         So, telleth, Bender. What hath happened 
                         to your body?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I hocked it.

               
                                     WASHINGTON
                         Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Same reason you hocked your teeth.
 
                         
               
                                     WASHINGTON
                         Ah. Booze money.

               
                                     NIXON
                         I remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned, 
                         riddled with phlebitis. A good Republican 
                         body! God, I loved it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I hear that. I spent most of my teen 
                         years loving my body. Course, it was 
                         tough love but -- ooh!
 
               
               [Leela elbows him in the stomach.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, he opened up relations with China. 
                         He doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         So, Nixon. Even if you miss your body, 
                         being a head's great too, right?
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         No, son. It's a sad and lonely life.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, great. Now you tell me!

               
                                     NIXON
                         That's my style. I like to kick 'em 
                         when they're down!
 
               
               [Bender looks sad.]

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments: Bender's Bedroom. Bender's head has a 
               tiny bed and he is wearing a nightcap. He tosses and turns. He 
               starts dreaming and 1's and 0's appear out of blackness.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (sleep-talking) Ones...zeros...one, 
                         one, zero, zero, one --
 
               
               [The numbers appear faster and faster and he wakes up screaming. 
               Fry opens the door.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, what is it?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, what an awful dream. Ones and 
                         zeros everywhere. And I thought I saw 
                         a two.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It was just a dream, Bender. There's 
                         no such thing as two.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I know what this is about. My body loved 
                         me, and I turned its back on it. Well, 
                         old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round 
                         your neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home!
 
                         
               
               [Rook Takes Pawnshop. The next morning, Fry and Bender are back 
               at the pawnshop. There is a metal detector, a TV, some suitcases 
               and a guitar in the shop.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You sold my body? To who?!

               
                                     PAWNBROKER
                         I can't reveal that information, but 
                         you look like a nice robot. Tell you 
                         what, I'll give you 50 bucks for the 
                         kid.
 
               
               [He starts counting out some cash.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks!
 
                         
               
                                     PAWNBROKER
                         Deal.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is sat on the couch stark naked 
               with Bender, Leela and Farnsworth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Oh! How could I let this happen? 
                         I can't go through the rest of my life 
                         like this.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't you have a self-destruct button?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Yeah, but it's on my body. 
                         What am I gonna do?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, I can't stand to see a robot cry. 
                         Let's watch TV!
 
               
               [He turns it on. Richard Nixon's head is giving a press conference.]
 
               
               
                                     NIXON
                          And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing 
                         my head into the ring. I'm announcing 
                         my candidacy for the presidency of Earth.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Nixon's Press Conference. The reporters wave their hands 
               in the air.]
 
               
                                     JOURNALIST #1
                         Just one question.

               
               [A man stands up.]

               
                                     CHANG
                         Scoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the 
                         constitution clearly states that nobody 
                         can be elected president more than twice.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         That's right, nobody.  But as you can 
                         plainly see, I've got a shiny new body!
 
                         
               
               [He starts dancing. His new body is Bender's old body, plus a 
               new red tie.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Gasps aplenty.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, he's got your body!

               
                                     BENDER
                         That dirty, double-crossing bastard! 
                         How dare he run off with Richard Nixon!
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry has put on some new clothes.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nixon must have bought your body from 
                         the pawn shop.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, and that electric guitar.

               
               [Nixon plays Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         (singing; on TV} Remember what the dormouse 
                         said
 
               Feed your head.

               (talking) I'm meeting you half way, you stupid hippies! [Cheers 
               from the crowd.] I am not a crook's head!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah you are, you stole my body! Fry, 
                         Leela, you gotta help me!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ordinarily I'd say no and lecture you 
                         on how this is your own fault for being 
                         such an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon 
                         is on the loose, we have a duty to take 
                         action. Idiot.
 
               
               [Washington D.C. The Planet Express ship lands beside the Washington 
               Monument and the much larger Clinton Monument.]
 
               
               [Presidential Debate. Jack Johnson, John Jackson and Nixon are 
               at the debate, headed by Morbo.]
 
               
                                     MORBO
                         Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates: 
                         Puny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's 
                         good friend, Richard Nixon.
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Hello, Morbo. How's the family?

               
                                     MORBO
                         Belligerent and numerous.

               
                                     NIXON
                         Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
 
                         
               
               [He takes a baby out of his chest cabinet and kisses it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Great. First he steals my body, now 
                         he's touching my stuff.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on. We've gotta find some way to 
                         talk to him.
 
               
               [They sneak out.]

               
                                     MORBO
                         Morbo demands an answer to the following 
                         question: If you saw delicious candy 
                         in the hands of a small child would 
                         you seize and consume it?
 
               
                                     JOHNSON
                         Unthinkable.

               
                                     JACKSON
                         I wouldn't think of it.

               
                                     MORBO
                         What about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind 
                         you you are under a truth-o-scope.
 
                         
               
               [The truth-o-scope hovers over Nixon's head and he starts to 
               sweat.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Uh, well, I, uh...the question is-is 
                         vague. You don't say what kind of candy, 
                         whether anyone is watching or uh... 
                         At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm 
                         the child.
 
               
               [The truth-o-scope beeps.]

               
               [Nixon's Dressing Room. He squirts cleaner on his jar and rubs 
               it. His campaign manager is with him.]
 
               
                                     CAMPAIGN MANAGER
                         You scored big points tonight, sir.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         What are you talking about? They ate 
                         me alive out there.
 
               
                                     CAMPAIGN MANAGER
                         Yes, but your body stayed on message. 
                         And that message is, "Look at my shiny 
                         new body". The robots ate it up. You've 
                         got real charisma from the neck down.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule 
                         the universe!
 
               
               [Bender, Fry and Leela come out of a dirty laundry hamper.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Give me my body back you two-bit thief!
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         Now look here, you drugged out communist. 
                         I paid for this body and I'd no sooner 
                         return it than I would my little cocker 
                         spaniel dog, Checkers.  Shut up, damnit!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Please, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to 
                         your sense of decency.
 
               
               [Everyone laughs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         That was a good one!

               
                                     NIXON
                         Seriously though, I'm never giving back 
                         this body. Now beat it! Before I get 
                         Cambodian on your asses!
 
               
               [Fxjkhr Monument. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the 60th president's 
               monument. He was a huge monster, and his statue shows him devouring 
               a person. There are skulls around his feet.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) It's hopeless. We might as 
                         well turn in my head for the five cent 
                         deposit.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No way! I'm not letting my best friend 
                         get recycled. Not for five cents, not 
                         for five hundred cents! Leela, I've 
                         got a plan!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I've got a better plan.

               
               [Outside Watergate Hotel. Fry and Leela, dressed in black, creep 
               around the side of the building. The two carry a bag between 
               them with Bender‘s head inside. A searchlight moves past them 
               and they freeze.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Why would Nixon stay at 
                         the Watergate?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) They give you a discount 
                         if you've been here before.
 
               
               [She shoots a grappling hook onto the roof. The hook scurries 
               across the roof, wraps itself around a pipe and gives the rope 
               a tug.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela hauls herself up the side of the building.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Keep going, we're right behind you.
 
                         
               
               [He's just holding onto her and letting her do all the climbing. 
               Bender looks through a window.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, mama! Get a room, you two!

               
                                     MAN
                          We're in a room!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well then lose some weight.

               
               [Leela pulls Fry onto a ledge and they pull back some curtains. 
               Nixon is asleep in front of a TV.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         (sleep-talking) Aroo!

               
               [Cut to: Nixon's Hotel Room. Fry and Leela climb in.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         (sleep-talking) Oh, yeah. You women's 
                         libbers really know how to party!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering) Psst! There I am!

               
               [Leela starts unscrewing Nixon's jar from Bender's body.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         (sleep-talking) Hey, Betty Friedan. 
                         Send a little of that lotion my way!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't 
                         panic.
 
               
               [Fry is lying on a bed, not listening. He looks at a box beside 
               the bed marked "Magic Tentacles".]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh!  Uh-oh!

               
               [The bed starts to shake and the tentacles throw Fry around. 
               Nixon wakes up and gasps.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         What the...?  You shaggy peaceniks have 
                         some nerve!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm just here for what's mine. Don't 
                         make me kick your neck.
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Bring it on, soup can.

               
               [They growl and start very slowly edging their way towards each 
               other.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, break it up, you two!

               
               [She puts them on the couch.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         That's it. You're all going to jail. 
                         And don't expect me to grant a pardon 
                         like that sissy, Ford.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You'll never pardon anybody because 
                         you'll never get elected president. 
                         The voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained 
                         idiots they were back in your time.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         Oh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers 
                         may be twice as fast as they were in 
                         1973 but your average voter is as drunk 
                         and stupid as ever. The only one who's 
                         changed is me. I've become bitter and, 
                         let's face it, crazy over the years. 
                         And once I'm swept into office, I'll 
                         sell our children's organs to zoos for 
                         meat and I'll go into people's houses 
                         at night and wreck up the place.
 
               
               [He cackles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, he lost my vote.

               
                                     NIXON
                         Like one vote ever made a difference. 
                         Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going 
                         to inch myself over to the phone and 
                         call the police.
 
               
               [He starts hopping his way over.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar 
                         with audio tape?
 
               
               [He rewinds a tape in his head.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                          And I'll go into people's houses at 
                         night and wreck up the place!
 
               
               [He cackles.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         My God? I really sound like that? I 
                         thought my voice had more of a Clark 
                         Gable quality.
 
               
               [Leela takes the tape out of Bender’s mouth.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         The jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you 
                         the tape for the body.
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Oh, expletive deleted. You've got a 
                         deal.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I've got one last thought.

               
               [The magic tentacles grab him and start throwing him around again.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on 
               the couch holding Earth flags. Enter Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, it's good to be back in one piece 
                         again. Except I can't get these damn 
                         bumper stickers off.
 
               
               [He turns around and shows them his "Nixon's Head's The One" 
               and "Impeach This!" bumper stickers.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          The sheer drama of this election has 
                         driven voter turnout to it's highest 
                         level in centuries -- 6%
 
               
                                     MORBO
                          Exit polls show evil underdog Richard 
                         Nixon trailing with an estimated zero 
                         votes.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yes! The system works!

               
                                     LINDA
                          The time is 7:59 and the robot polls 
                         are now opening...and the robot vote 
                         is in. Nixon has won!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
                                     FRY
                         What?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Get out of town!

               
                                     FRY
                         Why would robots vote for Nixon now 
                         that he's just a head in a jar?
 
               
               [Cut to: Nixon's Campaign Headquarters.]

               
                                     CAMPAIGN MANAGER
                         I give you the next president of Earth!
 
                         
               
               [Nixon comes through the flag with his head atop a massive robot 
               body. He steps on his campaign manager and crushes her.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         (shouting) Nixon's back!

               
               [His robot supporters cheer.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I can't believe it. He won by a single 
                         vote.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting 
                         felon, thank you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well it's not my fault either 'cause 
                         I forgot to vote.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, crud. I knew there was something 
                         I meant to do today.
 
               
                                     MORBO
                          Morbo congratulates out gargantuan 
                         cyborg president. May death come quickly 
                         to his enemies.
 
               
               [Linda chuckles.]

               
               [Washington D.C. Street. People run away as Nixon uproots trees 
               and crushes cars to Hail to the Chief.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Aroo! Who's kicking who around now? 
                          Aroo! Aroooo!
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside White House.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Knock knock!

               
               [He pounds down the wall with his fists, walks in and laughs.]
 
               
               
               THE END

               
               

A Head In The Polls



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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