"A TALE OF TWO SANTAS"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Performed Entirely By
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the couch
In what has become a winter tradition,
members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club
today took the plunge into a river of
[The TV shows people jumping in.]
There were no survivors.
Takes all kinds! And now, with his
annual Xmas Message, here's the head
of the Xmas Safety Council, the head
of Walter Cronkite.
Seasons warnings, Linda and Morbo.
This guy's too trustworthy. What's his
In all the tinsel and terror of the
holiday season we too often underestimate
that murderous brute better known as
Santa Claus. With images of last year's
gingerbread massacre freshly baked into
our memories, I remind you to bolt your
doors, say goodbye to your pets and
lock your children in the closet. This
is Walter Cronkite saying "I told you
[Some wood appears over the TV. Hermes is boarding it up.]
Sacred ball of West and Eastern Samoa.
We've got to secure for Santa's arrival.
[Fry presses the remote.]
Just as well. I'm getting tired of this
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Fry, Bender and Leela are struggling
to get the armour-plated chimney cover over the chimney. Farnsworth
walks in and shakes his fists.]
Cover that fireplace, confound you!
I've only a few years to live. I don't
wanna spend them dead.
We're pushing as hard as we can.
[He pushes it the other way and hurls Fry and Leela over the
top. Farnsworth sits down.]
Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed.
Thanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters
[He flips up the arm of the chair and presses a button.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Grey armour covers the building
and knocks Amy off a ladder. She screams. A neon light on the
hangar roof spells "Trespassers Will Be Shot" and Deck The Halls
With Boughs Of Holly plays.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room.]
Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty
cadaver junkie can't touch us as long
as we're not stupid enough to leave
[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]
In a related matter, you'll be delivering
this sack of children's letters directly
to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
[Fry, Leela and Bender look shocked.]
[Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and gets one of the
landing legs stuck in the hangar roof. It pulls it free and flies
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Leela and Bender are rummaging through
These letters are real butt-nutters!
Listen to this one: (reading) Dear
[Cut to: Girl's Bedroom.]
(thinking and writing) Please, please
don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle
you fired at me last year from your
bicycle gun really tore up my insides.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Awful! Let's read some more. (reading)
[Cut to: Boy's Bedroom.]
(thinking and writing) Please bring
me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked
him with a chestnut last year and he's
beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if
you know what I mean.
[A stiff corpse sits in a rocking chair by a window.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed
to bring people together, not blow them
Sure, but who's going to do anything
about it? Certainly not us. No, sir!
Certainly yes us! Uh-huh, sir! We've
gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I
Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's
lap -- and hard!
[Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside a little town called
Jolly Junction at the north pole. There is a the sound of gunfire
and barking dogs. The cargo bay lift comes down with Fry, Leela,
Bender and the sack of letters. Leela sees something.]
Oh, look! A cute little welcoming party.
[Neptunians walk towards them holding hands.]
Hey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?
I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Uh, look, we've got mail for Santa.
Are you his elves?
We're not elves. We're Neptunians.
We're just shrimp-y because he doesn't
[Neptunian #2 grabs Fry's hand and slaps himself with it.]
You hit me! You owe me a dollar.
[Jolly Junction. Neptunians are beating each other up and smashing
bottles over each other's heads. Bender drags the sack down the
icy street. Two Neptunians shout from in a house.]
Hey, you got any food? Old teabags,
chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're
But you live in a gingerbread house.
Hey! It's food or shelter, not both.
You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for
making the toys?
Who said "toys"?
[All over the street Neptunians stop and look at Bender.]
Toys? Toys? Who said "toys"?
False alarm, folks! There's no reason
to make toys since Santa judges everyone
to be naughty.
[He points at the toy factory. It has a sign on it reading "Toy
Works Closed. Coming Soon: Crackhouse".]
That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift
of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where
There! In his ice fortress.
[He points up a mountain. The fortress is at the top and lightning
flashes around it.]
We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?
[None of the Neptunians raise their hand.]
I'll help you!
[Neptunian #2 sees Neptunian #1 has raised both of their hands.]
[Outside Ice Fortress. The Neptunians carry the sack of letters
up the winding track in a wheelbarrow. They pass a cardboard
Santa with his arm stretched out like at an amusement park. He
holds a sign reading "If You Are Taller Than This Prepare To
Die". A circular saw comes out of the hand and cuts their hats
off. They pass some dogs who bark Jingle Bells at them. A bird
lands on the electric fence and gets sizzled. Neptunian #2 picks
[He takes it and puts it down his trousers.]
[Ice Fortress. Santa sits in a chair at an enormous screen. He
Let's see who's been naughty, and who's
been naughty! Mobsters beating up a
shopkeeper for protection money. Very
naughty! Shopkeeper's not paying their
protection money. Exactly as naughty!
I saw that! Huh?
[He turns around and sees the Neptunians bring in the wheelbarrow.]
We brought your mail.
Don't you ever knock? Who knows what
naughty things I could be watching?
I get New Orleans on this thing, you
Don't kill us!
[They run off. The sack rustles. Inside are Fry, Leela and Bender.]
Santa's a robot, so we should be able
to destroy him with a logical paradox.
Bender, you'd better cover your ears.
[She tears open the bag and they leap out. Santa's eyes turn
Holy night! Intruders!
[He picks up a missile launcher and aims it at Leela.]
Hold it Santa! Consider this: You are
programmed to destroy the naughty. But
many of those you destroy are in fact,
nice. I submit to you, that you are
naughty, and logically, you must destroy
[Sparks come from Santa's neck. He jitters and his head explodes.
Fry and Leela cheer but he immediately grows a new head.]
Nice try. But my head was built with
[He raises the missile launcher again. Leela and Fry duck out
the way. He aims it at Bender who is still covering his ears.
He sees Santa and runs off. They run down a corridor and Santa
shoots missiles at them. They duck into an elevator and a missile
wedges itself in the door.]
[Cut to: Elevator. The crew are huddled in a corner. Leela frantically
presses the down button. The elevator goes down and cuts off
the top of the missile. It bleeps on the floor. The crew scream.]
[Cut to: Outside Ice Fortress. Fry and Bender run out followed
by Leela who is carrying the warhead.]
Wait! This is what we're running from!
[She tosses the warhead back into the elevator. They get on a
sled but it doesn't move.]
[The bomb explodes and propels the sled down the track. Sentry
towers shoot at them and the Santa cut-out sticks out its circular
[Cut to: Jolly Junction. The Neptunians are cooking their bird
on a spit. The sled slides past and sprays snow over the fire.
They speed on round a corner and hit the steps of the ship. They
get off and run inside.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone sits down and Leela presses
some buttons. The engines start but the ship just shakes.]
Why aren't we moving?
[Leela presses some more buttons and throws the wheel about.]
I don't know. Usually when I do stuff
like this the ship moves.
[Cut to: Outside Ship. Santa is holding the ship by its engines,
stopping it from moving.]
Ho ho-- Eh?
[He looks down. The radiation from the ships engines begins to
melt the snow and ice beneath him and he sinks. He lets go of
the ship and it lands again. The ice solidifies around him and
the Neptunians and crew gather around.]
[The Neptunians cheer. One runs forward and kicks him.]
Now we can make toys again!
(chanting) Toys! Toys! Toys!
And I can deliver them. Billions and
billions in one night.
[He takes Santa's hat and puts it on.]
Hah! No human could do all that.
Evil Knievel could!
Santa's right. We need some sort of
robot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.
[Fry puts his hat on Bender's head. The Neptunians throw their
hats in the air.]
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built
to Yuletide specifications.
Oh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal
Leela's purse either. But that didn't
[She takes it from him. Bender turns to the Neptunians.]
Bow to your new Santa!
[Jolly Junction. The Neptunians sing and they skip towards the
(singing) We are free and fairly sober,
With so many toys to build.
[Cut to: Toyworks.]
(singing) The machines are kinda tricky,
Probably someone will be killed,
But we gladly work for nothing--
(singing) Which is good because we don't
intend to pay.
(singing) The elves are back to work
[They saw logs and they go down a conveyor belt.]
We have just a couple hours,
To make several billion gifts,
[A Neptunian boxes some toys. Another adds the polystyrene S's.]
And the labour isn't easy--
(singing) Then you'll all work triple
You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to
[She turns a dial to Lucy.]
FRY LEELA AND BENDER
(singing) It's back to work on Xmas
(singing) And though you're cold and
sore and ugly,
Fry (singing) Let my happy smile warm your hearts--
(singing) There's a toy lodged in my
[There is a train in his head. Bender sits on the conveyor belt
being sprayed Santa red by the Neptunians.]
(singing) We are getting awfully tired,
And we can't work any faster,
And we're very, very sorry--
(singing) Why you selfish little bastards,
Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed
[He kicks a Neptunian.]
(singing) Then shut your yaps and back
[Outside Toyworks. It is night. Santa's sleigh is being loaded
(singing) Now it's very nearly Xmas,
And we've done the best we could,
(singing) These toys soldiers are poorly
(singing) And they're made from inferior
[She snaps the soldier in half.]
(singing) I should give you all a beating,
But I really have to fly,
[Santa is still stuck in the ice.]
(singing) If I weren't stuck here frozen,
I'd harpoon you in the eye,
(singing) Now its back into our tenements,
To drown ourselves in rye,
(singing) You did the best you could,
br>I guess that some of these gorillas
[The Neptunians cheer.]
(singing) The elves have rescued Xmas
[Bender flies overhead and around Santa's fortress. Some presents
fall out of the sleigh and the fortress defences shoot them.]
[He flies towards Earth and over the streets of New New York.
A snowman in the street is wearing a helmet and holding a gun
with a bayonet.]
[Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender throws the sack over his shoulder.
He sees bars on the chimney.]
(stupid voice) Duh! Gee, Bender, how
you gonna get through these bars? (normal
voice) I dunno, moron, suppose I bend
them? (stupid voice) Duh, OK!
[He bends them.]
[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Lounge. Bender falls into the fireplace.
The family are hidden behind a couch.]
Mommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
This is it, kids. Take your suicide
pills so you won't suffer.
No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got
toys ... at very reasonable prices!
Don't listen to him. He's the father
of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!
But I come bearing Tri-ominos!
[Mrs. Grant stands up and raises a crowbar.]
Go for the shins!
[Bender runs back into the fireplace and scrambles up the chimney.
The family hit him with metal objects and he cries out in pain.]
[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender emerges from the chimney
with his legs completely battered. He crawls into the sleigh.]
(groaning) One down...
[Bender lands on another roof and climbs down the chimney.]
[Cut to: Petunia's Lounge. The room is dark. lights go on and
Petunia stands in the doorway in her nightie.]
Well, hello there, handsome! Won't
you have a cookie?
Uh, don't mind if I do. Ow! What's
in these things?
Why don't you slip into something more
[She blasts him with a flamethrower and he screams.]
[Cut to: Petunia's Rooftop. Bender flies out of the chimney and
lands in a charred heap. His sack lands on him.]
[Bender flies the sleigh through the sky. The Kwanzaabot flies
Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll?
Oh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone
At least they understand you, you know
what I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with
this Kwanza tip.
Hey! Maybe you could lend me a hand
with these deliveries.
[Kwanzaabot makes a noise like a "no" buzzer.]
No time! I gotta hand out the traditional
Kwanzaa book. I've been givin' these
out for 647 years!
[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy flies up to the top of the Xmas
tree and sprays lights from a can onto it. Leela puts candy canes
on a bush. Nibbler emerges from it and eats them. Fry and Hermes
stand by a bathtub of what looks like eggnog.]
Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma
used to drink. Ew! It went sour!
[Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]
Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
[He scrubs his back with a brush.]
Remember, Professor: Bender is Santa.
So we don't need to hurt him, right?
Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken
[Bender lands in thr fireplace.]
Ho ho-- Ow!
(shouting) Professor! Don't you remember
what I told you?
[He shoots Bender again.]
[Planet Express Roof. Bender sits on the roof of the dome and
unrolls his list of presents. He crosses off Farnsworth's name.]
(crying) Oh, there's gotta be a better
[Cut to: New New York City Street. Bender walks past a Toys For
Tots bin and empties the sack of presents into the sewer.]
Bender you're a genius!
[Vyolet stands under the sewer grate waving a Barbie.]
This creates and unrealistic standard
[Cut to: Alleyway. Bender is sat leaning against a dumpster holding
a bottle of beer.]
Now it's time for Santa to screw open
[He opens the bottle and drinks the beer. From the end of the
alleyway Smitty and URL watch.]
It's Santa! And we got him cornered!
Aw, I smell a juicy promotion for me.
And a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force
[They shine a light at Bender.]
[Newspaper Headline: "Suspect Nabbed In Santa Case. Chanukah
Zombie Still At Large".]
[Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The courtroom is packed
with people for Bender's trial.]
This Xmas Day session of court will
come to order. The Honourable Judge
[Whitey takes his seat and bangs his gavel.]
Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes
against humanity. How do you plead?
[Farnsworth stands up and points at Bender.]
There he is again!
[He shoots Bender in the back.]
[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken Lawyer questions the witness,
a little girl.]
Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that
there witness box but t'ain't no need
to fear me. I'm sorry, I thought you
was corn. Now, would you please point
at that robot over there. No further
questions. Daddy done good, huh?
[Time Lapse. Bender cross-examines the girl.]
Isn't it true that you have been paid
for your testimony?
Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
And yet you haven't said what I told
you to say. How can any of us trust
[Pramala bursts into tears.]
Quit badgering the witness!
[The Hyper-Chicken jumps up.]
[He clucks around in a mad panic. Whitey bangs his gavel.]
Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise
waiting for me at my mansion, I find
the defendant guilty. Santa Claus,
I hereby sentence you to be executed
[He bangs his gavel. Bender is shocked. Smitty and URL lead him
It's not fair. I just hope that dumb
chicken is ashamed of himself.
[Cut to: Outside Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The Hyper-Chicken
is on the roof, crowing.]
[Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Smitty and URL lead Bender into
the cells. They are followed by Mayor Poopenmeyer and the Preacherbot.]
Deactivated robot walking. We got a
deactivated robot walking here.
[A robot leans through his cell bars and stops them.]
Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil,
tell him I'm-a comin'!
[They past the next cell. The Robot Devil is inside.]
Hey, that guy said to tell you that--
I heard him!
[Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside Jolly Junction. The
steps squash a Jack-in-the-Box and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel.
Fry and Leela are greeted by the Neptunians, now wearing summer
Greetings, masters. My companion and
I made lots of toys.
[Leela pushes him aside.]
Outta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here
to bring Santa back so we can prove
[Time Lapse. Leela cuts through the ice around Santa with a chainsaw.]
Do what you will. But we'll see who
has the last ho.
[Fry, Leela and the Neptunians use planks and candy canes to
lift Santa out of the ground in one solid block of ice.]
[The ice starts to melt.]
Oh, no! The ice is melting!
The pollution from the factory. It caused
a greenhouse effect.
That would explain this heat.
And your breezy short-shorts!
Uh, yeah! That would explain it.
[Santa breaks through the melting ice. Everyone screams and runs.
Fry and Leela run into the Toyworks.]
[Cut to: Toyworks. Neptunians are making toys. Santa runs in,
shooting a laser and the elves run. Fry and Leela scream and
jump onto the conveyor belt and over toy soldiers like hurdles.
Santa follows, still shooting. Fry and Leela jump off the end
of the conveyor belt. Leela turns one of the soldiers bayonets
upwards and it impales Santa. He groans.]
[Cut to: Neptune Surface. Fry and Leela run up the steps.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela powers up the ship and it takes
off and tears away from Neptune.]
Hurry! We've gotta think of another
way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!
Especially for Bender.
[Santa is crouching on the roof of the ship.]
Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red
[Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Bender is being strapped to a table
for his execution by Magnexecutioner. He is moved forward between
two giant magnets.]
Ah, good old Maggie! Eh? When I pull
this switch, these powerful electromagnets
will tear you limb-from-limb, killing
you in the most humane possible manner.
But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
It is for the witnesses because it's
not boring! The instant this random
number generator reaches zero, you'll
[Poopenmeyer presses a button. The generator starts displaying
Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.
Stop the execution!
Fifteen. Negative eight.
You got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove
[Fry walks in dressed in a Santa outfit.]
I'm Santa Claus!
[The witnesses gasp.]
[Enter Hermes in a Santa outfit.]
No. I'm Santa Claus.
[Enter Amy and Farnsworth in Santa outfits.]
(disguised, deeper voice) We're also
[Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]
And I'm his friend Jesus!
Your Mayorness, if you execute him,
you have to execute all of us.
You people aren't Santa. You're not
even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you
lie in front of Jesus! Hey! Zero!
[He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets.
Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them.]
No! Not the magnets! (singing) Swing
low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry
me home. Swing low sweet--
This is horrible.
But it's not boring!
[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of
Ho ho ho!
[He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters
except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela
dive behind some rubble.]
My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
I help those who help themselves.
[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands.]
Santa! You saved my life. Please don't
I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I
need you to help me save Xmas.
Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help
Don't do it! He's evil!
I know he is but I have no choice. I'm
running late and if I don't complete
my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't
be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is:
Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Well ... 'tis the season!
[Santa pulls him out of his constraints and puts him in the sleigh.
He climbs in and the sleigh flies off.]
[New New York City Streets. Santa flies the sleigh down a street
and Bender smashes lights with a blernsball bat. Then Santa shoots
a missile at a Stinky Stork's Diaper Service truck and it explodes,
showering people with diapers. Scruffy puts up an umbrella.]
My wedding cake!
[Santa and Bender laugh.]
Let it snow!
[They fly around a corner and Bender holds handfuls of toys.]
Merry Xmas, kids!
[He throws the toys through windows and walls. Santa shoots a
bike at a little girl. Bender laughs.]
[Planet Express: Attic Room. The staff and LaBarbara are sat
in darkness. Outside, buildings burn and police car sirens wail.]
This wangs chun! After all the good
we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten
Huddled together in fear like lice in
a burning wig.
[He hugs LaBarbara. Zoidberg and Fry are also huddled together.]
Wait a second! Maybe your futuristic
Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
What are you talking about, you crouton?
You said it yourself: Xmas should be
about bringing people together, not
blowing them apart.
But don't you see? Fear has brought
us together. That's the magic of Xmas!
That's a big crock of-- Hold me!
[Everyone huddles together.]
[In the sky, Bender whips the reindeer.]
On, Trasher! On, Smasher! Hey, Kwanzaabot,
where you off to?
Ah, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah
Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai
Brith! You comin'?
[The Kwanzaabot flies off. Santa pulls out a present.]
By the way, Bender, here's a small token
of my appreciation for being Santa while
I was trapped in the ice.
[Bender takes the gift and cheers. He opens it.]
Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's
nothing in here.
Oh, it might appear empty but the message
is clear: Play Santa again and I'll
kill you next year! Ho ho ho!
A Tale Of Two Santas
Writers : Bill Odenkirk
Genres : Animation Comedy