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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 402

                                 "A TALE OF TWO SANTAS"

                                           By

                                     Bill Odenkirk

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Performed Entirely By 
               Sock Puppets.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the couch 
               watching TV.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          In what has become a winter tradition, 
                         members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club 
                         today took the plunge into a river of 
                         liquid ammonia.
 
               
               [The TV shows people jumping in.]

               
                                     MORBO
                          There were no survivors.

               
               [Linda chuckles.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          Takes all kinds! And now, with his 
                         annual Xmas Message, here's the head 
                         of the Xmas Safety Council, the head 
                         of Walter Cronkite.
 
               
                                     CRONKITE
                          Seasons warnings, Linda and Morbo.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         This guy's too trustworthy. What's his 
                         angle?
 
               
                                     CRONKITE
                          In all the tinsel and terror of the 
                         holiday season we too often underestimate 
                         that murderous brute better known as 
                         Santa Claus. With images of last year's 
                         gingerbread massacre freshly baked into 
                         our memories, I remind you to bolt your 
                         doors, say goodbye to your pets and 
                         lock your children in the closet. This 
                         is Walter Cronkite saying "I told you 
                         so".
 
               
               [Some wood appears over the TV. Hermes is boarding it up.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sacred ball of West and Eastern Samoa. 
                         We've got to secure for Santa's arrival.
 
                         
               
               [Fry presses the remote.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Just as well. I'm getting tired of this 
                         wood show.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. Fry, Bender and Leela are struggling 
               to get the armour-plated chimney cover over the chimney. Farnsworth 
               walks in and shakes his fists.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Cover that fireplace, confound you! 
                         I've only a few years to live. I don't 
                         wanna spend them dead.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're pushing as hard as we can.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh! Pushing!

               
               [He pushes it the other way and hurls Fry and Leela over the 
               top. Farnsworth sits down.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed. 
                         Thanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters 
                         installed.
 
               
               [He flips up the arm of the chair and presses a button.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Grey armour covers the building 
               and knocks Amy off a ladder. She screams. A neon light on the 
               hangar roof spells "Trespassers Will Be Shot" and Deck The Halls 
               With Boughs Of Holly plays.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty 
                         cadaver junkie can't touch us as long 
                         as we're not stupid enough to leave 
                         this building.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Alright!

               
                                     LEELA
                          Yeah!

               
               [Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         In a related matter, you'll be delivering 
                         this sack of children's letters directly 
                         to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
 
                         
               
               [Fry, Leela and Bender look shocked.]

               
               [Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and gets one of the 
               landing legs stuck in the hangar roof. It pulls it free and flies 
               away.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Leela and Bender are rummaging through 
               the sack.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         These letters are real butt-nutters! 
                          Listen to this one: (reading) Dear 
                         Santa.
 
               
               [Cut to: Girl's Bedroom.]

               
                                     GIRL
                         (thinking and writing) Please, please 
                         don't bring me any gifts. The bicycle 
                         you fired at me last year from your 
                         bicycle gun really tore up my insides.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Awful! Let's read some more. (reading) 
                         Dear Santa.
 
               
               [Cut to: Boy's Bedroom.]

               
                                     BOY
                         (thinking and writing) Please bring 
                         me a coffin for Grandpa. You choked 
                         him with a chestnut last year and he's 
                         beginning to smell a lot like Xmas if 
                         you know what I mean.
 
               
               [A stiff corpse sits in a rocking chair by a window.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed 
                         to bring people together, not blow them 
                         apart!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sure, but who's going to do anything 
                         about it? Certainly not us. No, sir!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Certainly yes us! Uh-huh, sir! We've 
                         gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I 
                         remember.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's 
                         lap -- and hard!
 
               
               [Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside a little town called 
               Jolly Junction at the north pole. There is a the sound of gunfire 
               and barking dogs. The cargo bay lift comes down with Fry, Leela, 
               Bender and the sack of letters. Leela sees something.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, look! A cute little welcoming party.
 
                         
               
               [Neptunians walk towards them holding hands.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         Hey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?
 
                         
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         I'll let you punch me for a buck.

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, look, we've got mail for Santa. 
                         Are you his elves?
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         We're not elves. We're Neptunians.
 
                         
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         We're just shrimp-y because he doesn't 
                         feed us.
 
               
               [Neptunian #2 grabs Fry's hand and slaps himself with it.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         You hit me! You owe me a dollar.

               
               [Jolly Junction. Neptunians are beating each other up and smashing 
               bottles over each other's heads. Bender drags the sack down the 
               icy street. Two Neptunians shout from in a house.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #3
                         Hey, you got any food? Old teabags, 
                         chewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're 
                         starving here!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But you live in a gingerbread house.
 
                         
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #4
                         Hey! It's food or shelter, not both.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         You lazy runts! Don't you get paid for 
                         making the toys?
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #4
                         Who said "toys"?

               
               [All over the street Neptunians stop and look at Bender.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         Toys? Toys? Who said "toys"?

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         False alarm, folks! There's no reason 
                         to make toys since Santa judges everyone 
                         to be naughty.
 
               
               [He points at the toy factory. It has a sign on it reading "Toy 
               Works Closed. Coming Soon: Crackhouse".]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift 
                         of my boot up Santa's chimney. Where 
                         is he?
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         There! In his ice fortress.

               
               [He points up a mountain. The fortress is at the top and lightning 
               flashes around it.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?
 
                         
               
               [None of the Neptunians raise their hand.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         I'll help you!

               
               [Neptunian #2 sees Neptunian #1 has raised both of their hands.]
 
               
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         Ah, phooey!

               
               [Outside Ice Fortress. The Neptunians carry the sack of letters 
               up the winding track in a wheelbarrow. They pass a cardboard 
               Santa with his arm stretched out like at an amusement park. He 
               holds a sign reading "If You Are Taller Than This Prepare To 
               Die". A circular saw comes out of the hand and cuts their hats 
               off. They pass some dogs who bark Jingle Bells at them. A bird 
               lands on the electric fence and gets sizzled. Neptunian #2 picks 
               it up.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         An omen?

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         Dinner!

               
               [He takes it and puts it down his trousers.]

               
               [Ice Fortress. Santa sits in a chair at an enormous screen. He 
               laughs maniacally.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Let's see who's been naughty, and who's 
                         been naughty!  Mobsters beating up a 
                         shopkeeper for protection money. Very 
                         naughty!  Shopkeeper's not paying their 
                         protection money. Exactly as naughty! 
                          I saw that!  Huh?
 
               
               [He turns around and sees the Neptunians bring in the wheelbarrow.]
 
               
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         We brought your mail.

               
                                     SANTA
                         Don't you ever knock? Who knows what 
                         naughty things I could be watching? 
                         I get New Orleans on this thing, you 
                         know!
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         Don't kill us!

               
               [They run off. The sack rustles. Inside are Fry, Leela and Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Santa's a robot, so we should be able 
                         to destroy him with a logical paradox. 
                         Bender, you'd better cover your ears.
 
                         
               
               [She tears open the bag and they leap out. Santa's eyes turn 
               evil.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Holy night! Intruders!

               
               [He picks up a missile launcher and aims it at Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hold it Santa!  Consider this: You are 
                         programmed to destroy the naughty. But 
                         many of those you destroy are in fact, 
                         nice. I submit to you, that you are 
                         naughty, and logically, you must destroy 
                         yourself.
 
               
               [Sparks come from Santa's neck. He jitters and his head explodes. 
               Fry and Leela cheer but he immediately grows a new head.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Nice try. But my head was built with 
                         paradox-absorbing crumple-zones.
 
               
               [He raises the missile launcher again. Leela and Fry duck out 
               the way. He aims it at Bender who is still covering his ears. 
               He sees Santa and runs off. They run down a corridor and Santa 
               shoots missiles at them. They duck into an elevator and a missile 
               wedges itself in the door.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Elevator. The crew are huddled in a corner. Leela frantically 
               presses the down button. The elevator goes down and cuts off 
               the top of the missile. It bleeps on the floor. The crew scream.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Outside Ice Fortress. Fry and Bender run out followed 
               by Leela who is carrying the warhead.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! This is what we're running from!
 
                         
               
               [She tosses the warhead back into the elevator. They get on a 
               sled but it doesn't move.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Faster! Faster!

               
               [The bomb explodes and propels the sled down the track. Sentry 
               towers shoot at them and the Santa cut-out sticks out its circular 
               saw.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Jolly Junction. The Neptunians are cooking their bird 
               on a spit. The sled slides past and sprays snow over the fire. 
               They speed on round a corner and hit the steps of the ship. They 
               get off and run inside.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone sits down and Leela presses 
               some buttons. The engines start but the ship just shakes.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Why aren't we moving?

               
               [Leela presses some more buttons and throws the wheel about.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know. Usually when I do stuff 
                         like this the ship moves.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Ship. Santa is holding the ship by its engines, 
               stopping it from moving.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Ho ho-- Eh?

               
               [He looks down. The radiation from the ships engines begins to 
               melt the snow and ice beneath him and he sinks. He lets go of 
               the ship and it lands again. The ice solidifies around him and 
               the Neptunians and crew gather around.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He's trapped!

               
               [The Neptunians cheer. One runs forward and kicks him.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         Now we can make toys again!

               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (chanting) Toys! Toys! Toys!

               
                                     FRY
                         And I can deliver them. Billions and 
                         billions in one night.
 
               
               [He takes Santa's hat and puts it on.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         Hah! No human could do all that.

               
                                     FRY
                         Evil Knievel could!

               
                                     SANTA
                         Nuh-uh!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Santa's right. We need some sort of 
                         robot.  Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.
 
                         
               
               [Fry puts his hat on Bender's head. The Neptunians throw their 
               hats in the air.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         Hooray!  Hooray!  Hooray!

               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         Bender can't be Santa! He wasn't built 
                         to Yuletide specifications.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal 
                         Leela's purse either.  But that didn't 
                         stop me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender!

               
               [She takes it from him. Bender turns to the Neptunians.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bow to your new Santa!

               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         Our hero!

               
               [Jolly Junction. The Neptunians sing and they skip towards the 
               Toyworks.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) We are free and fairly sober,
 
                         
               With so many toys to build.

               
               [Cut to: Toyworks.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) The machines are kinda tricky,
 
                         
               Probably someone will be killed,

               But we gladly work for nothing--

               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) Which is good because we don't 
                         intend to pay.
 
               
                                     ALL
                         (singing) The elves are back to work 
                         today!
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) Hooray!

               [They saw logs and they go down a conveyor belt.]

               We have just a couple hours,

               To make several billion gifts,

               [A Neptunian boxes some toys. Another adds the polystyrene S's.]
 
               
               And the labour isn't easy--

               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) Then you'll all work triple 
                         shifts,
 
               You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to 
               super-speed.
 
               
               [She turns a dial to Lucy.]

               
                                     FRY LEELA AND BENDER
                         (singing) It's back to work on Xmas 
                         Eve!
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (cheering) Hooray!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) And though you're cold and 
                         sore and ugly,
 
               
               Fry (singing) Let my happy smile warm your hearts--

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN
                         (singing) There's a toy lodged in my 
                         brain!
 
               
               [There is a train in his head. Bender sits on the conveyor belt 
               being sprayed Santa red by the Neptunians.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) We are getting awfully tired,
 
                         
               And we can't work any faster,

               And we're very, very sorry--

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Why you selfish little bastards,
 
                         
               Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed 
               jerk?
 
               
               [He kicks a Neptunian.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN
                         Ow!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Then shut your yaps and back 
                         to work.
 
               
               [Outside Toyworks. It is night. Santa's sleigh is being loaded 
               with presents.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) Now it's very nearly Xmas,
 
                         
               And we've done the best we could,

               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) These toys soldiers are poorly 
                         painted,
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) And they're made from inferior 
                         wood.
 
               
               [She snaps the soldier in half.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) I should give you all a beating,
 
                         
               But I really have to fly,

               
               [Santa is still stuck in the ice.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         (singing) If I weren't stuck here frozen,
 
                         
               I'd harpoon you in the eye,

               
                                     NEPTUNIANS
                         (singing) Now its back into our tenements,
 
                         
               To drown ourselves in rye,

               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) You did the best you could, 
                         br>I guess that some of these gorillas 
                         are OK,
 
               
               [The Neptunians cheer.]

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN
                         We're adequate!

               
                                     ALL
                         (singing) The elves have rescued Xmas 
                         Day! Hooray!
 
               
               [Bender flies overhead and around Santa's fortress. Some presents 
               fall out of the sleigh and the fortress defences shoot them.]
 
               
               
               [He flies towards Earth and over the streets of New New York. 
               A snowman in the street is wearing a helmet and holding a gun 
               with a bayonet.]
 
               
               [Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender throws the sack over his shoulder. 
               He sees bars on the chimney.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (stupid voice) Duh! Gee, Bender, how 
                         you gonna get through these bars? (normal 
                         voice) I dunno, moron, suppose I bend 
                         them? (stupid voice) Duh, OK!
 
               
               [He bends them.]

               
               [Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Lounge. Bender falls into the fireplace. 
               The family are hidden behind a couch.]
 
               
                                     GIRL
                         Mommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
 
                         
               
                                     MRS. GRANT
                         This is it, kids. Take your suicide 
                         pills so you won't suffer.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got 
                         toys ... at very reasonable prices!
 
                         
               
                                     JEFFERY
                         Don't listen to him. He's the father 
                         of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         But I come bearing Tri-ominos!

               
               [Mrs. Grant stands up and raises a crowbar.]

               
                                     MRS. GRANT
                         Go for the shins!

               
               [Bender runs back into the fireplace and scrambles up the chimney. 
               The family hit him with metal objects and he cries out in pain.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender emerges from the chimney 
               with his legs completely battered. He crawls into the sleigh.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (groaning) One down...

               
               [Bender lands on another roof and climbs down the chimney.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Petunia's Lounge. The room is dark. lights go on and 
               Petunia stands in the doorway in her nightie.]
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Well, hello there, handsome!  Won't 
                         you have a cookie?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, don't mind if I do.  Ow! What's 
                         in these things?
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Why don't you slip into something more 
                         fiery?
 
               
               [She blasts him with a flamethrower and he screams.]

               
               [Cut to: Petunia's Rooftop. Bender flies out of the chimney and 
               lands in a charred heap. His sack lands on him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ow!

               
               [Bender flies the sleigh through the sky. The Kwanzaabot flies 
               alongside.]
 
               
                                     KWANZAABOT
                         Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone 
                         hates me.
 
               
                                     KWANZAABOT
                         At least they understand you, you know 
                         what I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with 
                         this Kwanza tip.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey! Maybe you could lend me a hand 
                         with these deliveries.
 
               
               [Kwanzaabot makes a noise like a "no" buzzer.]

               
                                     KWANZAABOT
                         No time! I gotta hand out the traditional 
                         Kwanzaa book.  I've been givin' these 
                         out for 647 years!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy flies up to the top of the Xmas 
               tree and sprays lights from a can onto it. Leela puts candy canes 
               on a bush. Nibbler emerges from it and eats them. Fry and Hermes 
               stand by a bathtub of what looks like eggnog.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma 
                         used to drink.  Ew! It went sour!
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
 
                         
               
               [He scrubs his back with a brush.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Remember, Professor: Bender is Santa. 
                         So we don't need to hurt him, right?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken 
                         mp3!
 
               
               [Bender lands in thr fireplace.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ho ho--  Ow!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Professor! Don't you remember 
                         what I told you?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) No!

               
               [He shoots Bender again.]

               
               [Planet Express Roof. Bender sits on the roof of the dome and 
               unrolls his list of presents. He crosses off Farnsworth's name.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Oh, there's gotta be a better 
                         way.
 
               
               [Cut to: New New York City Street. Bender walks past a Toys For 
               Tots bin and empties the sack of presents into the sewer.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender you're a genius!

               
               [Vyolet stands under the sewer grate waving a Barbie.]

               
                                     VYOLET
                         This creates and unrealistic standard 
                         of beauty!
 
               
               [She snorts.]

               
               [Cut to: Alleyway. Bender is sat leaning against a dumpster holding 
               a bottle of beer.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now it's time for Santa to screw open 
                         his present!
 
               
               [He opens the bottle and drinks the beer. From the end of the 
               alleyway Smitty and URL watch.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         It's Santa! And we got him cornered!
 
                         
               
                                     URL
                         Aw, I smell a juicy promotion for me.
 
                         
               
                                     SMITTY
                         And a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force 
                         for me!
 
               
               [They shine a light at Bender.]

               
               [Newspaper Headline: "Suspect Nabbed In Santa Case. Chanukah 
               Zombie Still At Large".]
 
               
               [Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The courtroom is packed 
               with people for Bender's trial.]
 
               
                                     BAILIFF
                         This Xmas Day session of court will 
                         come to order. The Honourable Judge 
                         Whitey presiding.
 
               
               [Whitey takes his seat and bangs his gavel.]

               
                                     WHITEY
                         Santa Claus, you stand accused of crimes 
                         against humanity. How do you plead?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Not Santa!

               
               [Farnsworth stands up and points at Bender.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There he is again!

               
               [He shoots Bender in the back.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken Lawyer questions the witness, 
               a little girl.]
 
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Now, Pramala, I know it's scary in that 
                         there witness box but t'ain't no need 
                         to fear me.  I'm sorry, I thought you 
                         was corn. Now, would you please point 
                         at that robot over there.  No further 
                         questions.  Daddy done good, huh?
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender cross-examines the girl.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Isn't it true that you have been paid 
                         for your testimony?
 
               
                                     PRAMALA
                         Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         And yet you haven't said what I told 
                         you to say. How can any of us trust 
                         you?
 
               
               [Pramala bursts into tears.]

               
                                     WHITEY
                         Quit badgering the witness!

               
               [The Hyper-Chicken jumps up.]

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Badger? Where?

               
               [He clucks around in a mad panic. Whitey bangs his gavel.]

               
                                     WHITEY
                         Whereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise 
                         waiting for me at my mansion, I find 
                         the defendant guilty.  Santa Claus, 
                         I hereby sentence you to be executed 
                         at sundown.
 
               
               [He bangs his gavel. Bender is shocked. Smitty and URL lead him 
               away.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's not fair. I just hope that dumb 
                         chicken is ashamed of himself.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The Hyper-Chicken 
               is on the roof, crowing.]
 
               
               [Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Smitty and URL lead Bender into 
               the cells. They are followed by Mayor Poopenmeyer and the Preacherbot.]
 
               
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Deactivated robot walking. We got a 
                         deactivated robot walking here.
 
               
               [A robot leans through his cell bars and stops them.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         Hey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil, 
                         tell him I'm-a comin'!
 
               
               [They past the next cell. The Robot Devil is inside.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, that guy said to tell you that--
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT DEVIL
                         I heard him!

               
               [Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside Jolly Junction. The 
               steps squash a Jack-in-the-Box and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel. 
               Fry and Leela are greeted by the Neptunians, now wearing summer 
               gear.]
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         Greetings, masters. My companion and 
                         I made lots of toys.
 
               
               [Leela pushes him aside.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Outta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here 
                         to bring Santa back so we can prove 
                         Bender's innocent.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela cuts through the ice around Santa with a chainsaw.]
 
               
               
                                     SANTA
                         Do what you will. But we'll see who 
                         has the last ho.
 
               
               [Fry, Leela and the Neptunians use planks and candy canes to 
               lift Santa out of the ground in one solid block of ice.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There.

               
               [The ice starts to melt.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, no! The ice is melting!

               
                                     LEELA
                         The pollution from the factory. It caused 
                         a greenhouse effect.
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #1
                         That would explain this heat.

               
                                     FRY
                         And your breezy short-shorts!

               
                                     NEPTUNIAN #2
                         Uh, yeah! That would explain it.

               
               [Santa breaks through the melting ice. Everyone screams and runs. 
               Fry and Leela run into the Toyworks.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Toyworks. Neptunians are making toys. Santa runs in, 
               shooting a laser and the elves run. Fry and Leela scream and 
               jump onto the conveyor belt and over toy soldiers like hurdles. 
               Santa follows, still shooting. Fry and Leela jump off the end 
               of the conveyor belt. Leela turns one of the soldiers bayonets 
               upwards and it impales Santa. He groans.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Neptune Surface. Fry and Leela run up the steps.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela powers up the ship and it takes 
               off and tears away from Neptune.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hurry! We've gotta think of another 
                         way to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Especially for Bender.

               
               [Santa is crouching on the roof of the ship.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red 
                         Xmas.
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
               [Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Bender is being strapped to a table 
               for his execution by Magnexecutioner. He is moved forward between 
               two giant magnets.]
 
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         Ah, good old Maggie!  Eh? When I pull 
                         this switch, these powerful electromagnets 
                         will tear you limb-from-limb, killing 
                         you in the most humane possible manner.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         But, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
 
                         
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         It is for the witnesses because it's 
                         not boring!  The instant this random 
                         number generator reaches zero, you'll 
                         be executed.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw!

               
               [Poopenmeyer presses a button. The generator starts displaying 
               numbers.]
 
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         Ten. Three. Twelve. Three again.

               
               [Enter Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Stop the execution!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Leela!

               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         Fifteen. Negative eight.

               
                                     LEELA
                         You got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove 
                         it.
 
               
               [Fry walks in dressed in a Santa outfit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm Santa Claus!

               
               [The witnesses gasp.]

               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         What? Twenty-seven.

               
               [Enter Hermes in a Santa outfit.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         No. I'm Santa Claus.

               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         Six.

               
               [Enter Amy and Farnsworth in Santa outfits.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (disguised, deeper voice) We're also 
                         Santa Claus.
 
               
               [Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And I'm his friend Jesus!

               
                                     FRY
                         Your Mayorness, if you execute him, 
                         you have to execute all of us.
 
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         You people aren't Santa. You're not 
                         even robots! Ninety-one. How dare you 
                         lie in front of Jesus!  Hey! Zero!
 
                         
               
               [He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets. 
               Bender's arms and legs are pulled to them.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No! Not the magnets!  (singing) Swing 
                         low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry 
                         me home.  Swing low sweet--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is horrible.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But it's not boring!

               
               [Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of 
               the electromagnets.]
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Ho ho ho!

               
               [He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters 
               except for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela 
               dive behind some rubble.]
 
               
                                     POOPENMEYER
                         My God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I help those who help themselves.

               
               [Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Santa! You saved my life. Please don't 
                         kill me!
 
               
               [Santa laughs.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         I'm not here to kill you, Bender! I 
                         need you to help me save Xmas.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Gee whiz, Santa! You want me to help 
                         you?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Don't do it! He's evil!

               
                                     SANTA
                         I know he is but I have no choice. I'm 
                         running late and if I don't complete 
                         my brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't 
                         be Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is: 
                         Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well ... 'tis the season!

               
               [Santa pulls him out of his constraints and puts him in the sleigh. 
               He climbs in and the sleigh flies off.]
 
               
               [New New York City Streets. Santa flies the sleigh down a street 
               and Bender smashes lights with a blernsball bat. Then Santa shoots 
               a missile at a Stinky Stork's Diaper Service truck and it explodes, 
               showering people with diapers. Scruffy puts up an umbrella.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                         My hair!

               
                                     WOMAN
                         My wedding cake!

               
               [Santa and Bender laugh.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         Let it snow!

               
               [They fly around a corner and Bender holds handfuls of toys.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Merry Xmas, kids!

               
               [He throws the toys through windows and walls. Santa shoots a 
               bike at a little girl. Bender laughs.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Room. The staff and LaBarbara are sat 
               in darkness. Outside, buildings burn and police car sirens wail.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         This wangs chun! After all the good 
                         we tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten 
                         as ever.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No heat.

               
                                     AMY
                         No power.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Huddled together in fear like lice in 
                         a burning wig.
 
               
               [He hugs LaBarbara. Zoidberg and Fry are also huddled together.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a second! Maybe your futuristic 
                         Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What are you talking about, you crouton? 
                         You said it yourself: Xmas should be 
                         about bringing people together, not 
                         blowing them apart.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But don't you see? Fear has brought 
                         us together. That's the magic of Xmas!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's a big crock of--  Hold me!

               
               [Everyone huddles together.]

               
               [In the sky, Bender whips the reindeer.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         On, Trasher! On, Smasher!  Hey, Kwanzaabot, 
                         where you off to?
 
               
                                     KWANZAABOT
                         Ah, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah 
                         Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai 
                         Brith! You comin'?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Word!

               
               [The Kwanzaabot flies off. Santa pulls out a present.]

               
                                     SANTA
                         By the way, Bender, here's a small token 
                         of my appreciation for being Santa while 
                         I was trapped in the ice.
 
               
               [Bender takes the gift and cheers. He opens it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, chief, you screwed up. There's 
                         nothing in here.
 
               
                                     SANTA
                         Oh, it might appear empty but the message 
                         is clear: Play Santa again and I'll 
                         kill you next year!  Ho ho ho!
 
               
               THE END

               

A Tale Of Two Santas



Writers :   Bill Odenkirk
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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