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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 305

                               "AMAZON WOMEN IN THE MOOD"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Secreted by the Comedy Bee.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table 
               for Hermes' morning meeting. Nibbler licks himself in the middle 
               of the table.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         People, we got a problem: Little Nibbler's 
                         been coughing up hairballs.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?
 
                         
               
               [Nibbler coughs up a huge one. In amongst the green gloop is 
               a white cane. Fry makes an impressed whistle.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He's got me beat!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Now well all love Nibbler, so it's only 
                         fair that we all pitch in and clean 
                         it up together. Still, I propose we 
                         make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
 
                         
               
               [Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hands.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, yup.

               
                                     HERMES
                         All opposed?  All abstaining?

               
               [Again no one votes. Leela taps Zoidberg on the shoulder.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dr. Zoidberg? Are you OK?

               
               [He keels over and rests on Fry's shoulder. Fry looks at him.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         He's dead.

               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What?

               
                                     AMY
                         Oh no!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         He always seemed so full of life. Laughing, 
                         singing, begging for scraps. And now 
                         this.
 
               
               [He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg 
               walks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling 
               around like lobster jelly.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Why with all the crying?  So that's 
                         where I left my shell.
 
               
               [He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I didn't know you could take this thing 
                         off.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It was starting to get a little cramped 
                         in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the 
                         fresh air feels good!
 
               
               [He wobbles around.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Stop doing that!

               
               [Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So long. I'm off to toss this old shell 
                         in the dumpster and maybe pick up those 
                         potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Those were toenail clippings.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A feast is a feast.

               
               [He turns around and leaves. His shell has a huge hole down the 
               back of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of 
               a phone ringing comes from the lounge.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, that's my cellphone!

               
               [She runs off.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy runs in and picks her tiny 
               cellphone up off the huge CellMate. She answers.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hello?  Hello? Who is this?  Hello? 
                         Hello?
 
               
               [They hang up and she curses. Leela walks in.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone 
                         again?
 
               
               [She sits down.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Some guy's been calling and hanging 
                         up 10 times a day for a year.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Men who call too much are the worst 
                         ... I bet.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I just wish a decent guy would call 
                         me instead of this spleeze-ball who 
                         has me too terrified to even answer 
                         the phone.  Hello?
 
               
               [The same heavy breathing comes from the other end again.]

               
               [Kif's Quarters. On the Nimbus, Kif sits on his bed holding the 
               phone and trembling. He tries to say something but just gasps 
               and stutters.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                          Hello? Is anyone there?

               
               [Kif hangs up.]

               
                                     KIF
                         I love you.  Why must I be such a coward?
 
                         
               
               [He cries. Enter Zapp.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and 
                         I'll be needing an attendant so-- Oh, 
                         I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. 
                          It's alright. I've always thought myself 
                         as a father figure to some of my more 
                         pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's 
                         rap.
 
               
               [He sits on Kif's bed. Kif sighs.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Well, I'm in love with this girl--
 
                         
               
               [Zapp bursts out laughing and pats Kif on the back.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (laughing) Oh, that's rich! (talking) 
                         Go on.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I met her a year ago...

               
               [Flashback. The Titanic escape pod flies away from the doomed 
               ship.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         (voice-over) ...when we were escaping 
                         from that cruise ship you piloted directly 
                         into a black hole.
 
               
               [Amy and Kif watch from the escape pod as the Titanic is sucked 
               into the black hole.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (voice-over; proud) Yes! It was in all 
                         the papers.
 
               
               [Back on Earth the escape pod has landed outside the Planet Express 
               building. Bender dumps the Countess De La Roca's fake bracelet 
               in a bin and walks into the building with the other staff. Amy 
               kisses Kif and gives him her number.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Call me.

               
               [Kif takes the paper and she goes inside. He trembles and gasps 
               and breathes heavily some more.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends. Zapp goes along with the story.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

               
                                     KIF
                         I've finished talking, sir.

               
               [Zapp sees something on Kif's wall.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Belay that remark!  Your Amy knows my 
                         Leela? I have formed an idea!
 
               
               [Nimbus Bridge. Leela is on the viewscreen, Zapp is in his chair 
               and Kif hides behind it. Amy walks in behind Leela.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm calling to negotiate a double date. 
                         You and me, Kif and Amy.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          Forget it.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. She turns away from the 
               screen.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                          Then let the negotiations begin. I 
                         propose we go out on 10 dates.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         How about zero?

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Nine.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Zero.

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Seven.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Zero.

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Eight?

               
               [Amy leans down at Leela's side.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (whispering) Please, Leela? Kif's like 
                         the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                          Five, and that's my final offer ... 
                         four.
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         One.

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Two.

               
                                     LEELA
                         One half.

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'll take it.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                          We'll meet you tonight for part of 
                         dinner and the first half of a movie.
 
                         
               
               [He hangs up and Amy grins.]

               
               [Le Palm D'Orbit Coat Check. Le Palm D'Orbit is a restaurant 
               orbiting a big, green planet. The main part of the restaurant 
               looks like the Encounter Restaurant at Los Angeles airport. A 
               centipede-like alien leaves his coat at the coat check which 
               charges a 25 cent surcharge for every sleeve over nine. Zapp 
               walks in wearing his formal off-white DOOP uniform. Kif wears 
               a tie and jacket over his regular velour uniform and carries 
               some flowers and a box of chocolates.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Um, sir? I don't go out on many dates 
                         and, um, what if I can't think of anything 
                         to say?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Here's my personal book of pickup lines. 
                          Say as many of them as you can as fast 
                         as you can. Don't stop for any reason.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Maybe I'll just give her these flowers.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp takes them and hits Kif with them.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Wrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that? 
                         Candy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that. 
                          Mmm!
 
               
               [Le Palm D'Orbit. The restaurant pilot is also the maitre d'. 
               He takes his hands off the wheel to hand some people a menu. 
               Amy and Leela are already at the table. Amy wears a light blue 
               dress and Leela wears her black jacket. Zapp and Kif arrive.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
 
                         
               
               [He hands her Kif's flowers and sits down.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks.

               
               [She sets fire to them and puts them in Zapp's glass of water.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly 
                         erotic date.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Half-date.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Half-bottle.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         And some oysters on the half-shell.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Quarter-shell.

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, and I'd like--

               
               [Zapp puts his hand over Kif's mouth.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif's not hungry. (quietly) Kif, this 
                         place is expensive. (talking) I'd like 
                         two steaks and the ladies will have 
                         some very sensual salads -- with low-cal 
                         sensual dressing.
 
               
               [Amy smiles at Kif and he giggles.]

               
               [Time Lapse. It's Kareoke Night at the restaurant and Morbo sings 
               Lipps Inc's Funkytown.]
 
               
                                     MORBO
                         (singing) Oh, won't you take me to funkytown,
 
                         
               Oh, won't you take me to funkytown.

               [The song ends and the audience applauds.]

               (talking) Thank you.

               
               [At the table the meals have arrived.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said 
                         a word all night.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Well, um, um ... hello.

               
                                     AMY
                         'Cause I was really hoping we could 
                         talk and stuff.
 
               
               [Kif stutters and gasps then drinks a glass of wine and takes 
               out Zapp's book. Zapp smirks and picks his teeth with a toothpick.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy, (reading) if I said you had a beautiful 
                         body would you take your pants off and 
                         dance around a little?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         What?!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Lieutenant Kroker!

               
               [Zapp winks at Kif and gives a thumbs up. Kif gasps and reads 
               some more.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         (reading) I find the most erotic part 
                         of the woman is the boobies
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Kif!

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, my!

               
               [Leela stands up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         This half-date is entirely over. Amy? 
                         Conference!
 
               
               [They walk away and Kif groans.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Is there nothing we can do, sir?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         There's only one sure-fire way back 
                         into a woman's heart and parts beyond. 
                         I speak of course, of kareoke.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         (determined) My years in the DOOP Boys' 
                         Chorus will not have been in vain!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit Women's Room. Leela and Amy apply lipstick 
               with a handy device that doesn't touch their lips.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, enough lipstick. Let's storm 
                         out.
 
               
               [Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. They walk out of the women's room and 
               notice Kif starting to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The 
               Heart.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         (singing) Once upon a time I was falling 
                         in love,
 
               But now I'm only falling apart...

               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, that's so emotional!

               
                                     KIF
                         (singing) ...There's nothing I can do,
 
                         
               A total eclipse of the heart--

               
               [Zapp walks onto the stage and pushes Kif aside. Kif drops the 
               mic and Zapp catches it and spins it around.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Amateur hour's over.  Let me show you 
                         why they call me "The Velour Fog"! Hit 
                         it!
 
               [The jukebox changes to some different music. Zapp smokes a cigarette 
               and starts singing The Kinks' Lola.]
 
               (spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho,

               Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,
 
               
               C-O-L-A .. .Cola.

               
                                     MAN
                         Aw, give us a break!

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Get off!

               
                                     CHEF
                         He sickens me!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (spoken-word) She walked up to me and 
                         she asked me to dance,
 
               I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said

               (singing) Leela!

               L-E-E-L-A, Leela!

               Lee-Lee-Lee-Lee-Leela!

               Ba-ba-ba-dum-ba-dum-bum!

               [People get out of their seats and run around screaming.]

               Leelaaa!

               
               [He breaks the glass and a man presses a button for the emergency 
               escape pods. People spill into them.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The escape pods eject and fly 
               off into space.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. Zapp finishes singing. The restaurant 
               is deserted.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're going home. Call us a space taxi.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         No need. There's not a restaurant built 
                         I can't fly. Where to, ladies?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Please, sir. Let's just divide up the 
                         check and--
 
               
               [Zapp starts pressing buttons on the steering controls.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Let's see what this eatery can do.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The headlights and indicators 
               flash, the windscreen wipers swish back and forth and windows 
               open and close. The restaurant blasts forwards and knocks a few 
               ships away from the car park.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but 
                         she handles like a bistro.  She's out 
                         of control!
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (from inside) You win again, gravity!
 
                         
               
               [Everyone screams as the restaurant tumbles towards the green 
               planet.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes 
               sit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and 
               carrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Look what arrived: My new shell catalogue. 
                         So let's try some on already!  Ah! Muy 
                         macho! Hey, gringos! Here comes El Zoido 
                         to ruin your drinking water!
 
               
               [He points claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I 
                         find that offensive.
 
               
               [He opens his chest cabinet. "Hecho En Mexico" is etched on the 
               inside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You Latins are so hot-blooded!  This 
                         one's like a summer guy!
 
               
               [He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Look, you fat fish. The Planet Express 
                         health plan only covers one kind of 
                         replacement shell.
 
               
               [He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode 
               and "Shell" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes 
               the catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't 
                         back yet from their half-date. I'm gonna 
                         call the restaurant.
 
               
               [He picks up the phone and dials Le Palm D'Orbit. The dial tone 
               changes to the "unavailable" beeps.]
 
               
                                     OPERATOR
                          The number you have dialled has crashed 
                         into a planet. Please make a note of 
                         it.
 
               
               [Fry and Bender gasp. Fry gets up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         We gotta go rescue them!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh, I don't know.

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender! Think of the señoritas!

               
               [Bender leaps up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Vámonos!

               
               [Planet Surface. Kif, Amy, Zapp and Leela sit amid the burning 
               wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         So, Amy, um, well--

               
                                     AMY
                         It's always a line with you!

               
                                     LEELA
                         What planet is this anyway?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (mumbling) I 'unno. (talking) This whole 
                         sector is uncharted.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         It is not uncharted, you lost the chart!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well, nothing to do now but repopulate 
                         the human race.  Just me and you!  (whispering) 
                         And maybe you.
 
               
               [Crashing sounds come from the woods around them and the ground 
               starts to shake.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         What is it?

               
               [She looks at the water in her cup which ripples like the glass 
               of water in Jurassic Park. Leela watches a puddle ripple and 
               it gives the impression that she has two eyes. Zapp's gut jiggles. 
               They all tremble and hide behind a piece of wreckage. Growling 
               comes from the woods and a huge foot stomps on the group's campfire. 
               The foot belongs to a huge woman -- an Amazonian. Her name is 
               Kug and she has a blue hairdo and wears very little. Two others 
               are with her: Ornik, a darker Amazonian with dreads and Tonk, 
               a blonde.]
 
               
                                     KUG
                         Me hear people. But me not see people.
 
                         
               
                                     THOG
                         No big deal. Everybody make mistake.
 
                         
               
               [They turn to leave. Leela gestures for Amy and Kif to keep quiet. 
               Zapp peers over the top of the wreckage with a big grin on his 
               face. He turns on the charm.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well, hello! I usually don't say this 
                         but you are the most beautiful trio 
                         of gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes 
                         on.  (reading) I find the most erotic 
                         part of a woman is the boo--
 
               
               [Kug grabs him by the head and drags him away. Ornik drags Kif 
               by his feet and Tonk carries Amy and Leela over her shoulders.]
 
               
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies erratically towards Amazonia.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender runs around panicking while Fry 
               steers wildly and presses random buttons. Alarms wail.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Amazonia Surface. The ship flies towards the smoking 
               wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit and smacks down onto the ground, 
               the landing gear lowering just a little too late. Fry and Bender 
               run down the steps and see the wreckage.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?

               
                                     BENDER
                         No. But what do you make of this?

               
               [He picks up a giant hairclip.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't know. But it might have something 
                         to do with this.
 
               
               [He holds up a huge can of Tab.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Bender peers through some huge grass blades and 
               gasps.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, your God!

               
               [Fry looks through the grass. In front of them several Amazonians 
               have gathered. Kug, Thog and Ornik lead Amy, Leela, Zapp and 
               Kif into a ring at the front of the crowd. Around them is an 
               Amazonian city, with buildings made of wood and straw.]
 
               
                                     KUG
                         Move! Go!

               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, here's the plan--

               
               [Something grunts.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What kind of moronic plan is that?  
                         Wow!
 
               
               [The Amazonian hits them with her club.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Bender are in chains with Zapp and Kif. 
               Leela and Amy are freed.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         Women go free. Men stay in chains.
 
                         
               
                                     ORNIK
                         We take them to our leader. She know 
                         what do.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Pfft. A female leader?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, shut up.

               
                                     FRY
                          Yes, captain!

               
               [Amazonian City. The Amazonians lead Leela, Amy and the prisoners 
               past the buildings.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         This capital city planet Amazonia.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Where are all the men in your society?
 
                         
               
                                     ORNIK
                         Men die out many year ago.

               
                                     BENDER
                         With all these women around they were 
                         probably nagged to death. Are you with 
                         me, fellas?
 
               
               [He, Zapp and Fry laugh. The women glare at them and they suddenly 
               stop laughing.]
 
               
               [Outside Basketball Pitch. The group watch a woman bounce a basketball.]
 
               
               
                                     THOG
                         Here stadium, where our women basketball 
                         teams play.
 
               
                                     KUG
                         We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.
 
                         
               
                                     ORNIK
                         That more fun to watch.

               
               [Zapp, Fry and Bender laugh.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (laughing) Oh, God, you're killing me! 
                          Ow! God, you're killing me!
 
               
               [Outside The Drollery Domicile.]

               
                                     THOG
                         This our comedy club. Humour here funny 
                         in different way.
 
               
                                     ORNIK
                         It not reinforce stereotypes.

               
                                     KUG
                         Comedy come from character, real situations. 
                         Not abstract craziness.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Translation: Boring!  (laughing) That's 
                         a good one!  Ow!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         This women-only planet is sounding better 
                         and better.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm already looking for apartments.
 
                         
               
               [She looks through a free "Westside Cave Rentals" brochure.]
 
               
               
               [Outside Femputer Temple. The stone temple has a woman's face 
               carved into it and smoking boobies.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader. 
                         She decide men's fate.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Is she hot?

               
                                     THOG
                         That not important. She all-knowing.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         In other words, "No".  Ow!

               
               [Femputer Temple. Leela, Amy and the Amazonians and their prisoners 
               walk into the dimly-lit building. Amazonians stand around the 
               room. Three Amazonians bow before a wall and the wall turns around 
               revealing a huge piece of technology with dials and flickering 
               lights.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         (chanting) All hail Femputer.

               
                                     KUG AND ORNIK
                         (chanting) All hail Femputer.

               
                                     AMY
                         You all obey a big computer?

               
                                     KUG
                         Yes. It appear mysteriously just about 
                         time men die out.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So why did you make it your leader?
 
                         
               
                                     ORNIK
                         It seemed like different kind of politician.
 
                         
               
                                     KUG
                         Not beltway insider.

               
               [Thog holds something up to the Femputer.]

               
                                     THOG
                         Femputer, we bring offering of bath 
                         beads and scented soaps.
 
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Your gift pleases Femputer. Femputer 
                         demands to know why there are men on 
                         her planet.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It was an accident, ma'am.

               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         That does not fempute. Femputer will 
                         return after deciding your punishment.
 
                         
               
               [She spins around out of sight.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Kif, Zapp, Fry and Bender are shackled to the wall.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, I'm through making fun of women. 
                         Now I want them to help me.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Should we do something?

               
               [Ornik chokes Fry with a strap.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         There's no hurry.

               
               [Kug tightens the strap around Zapp's neck.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Yes! A little tighter.  Tighter. Perhaps 
                         a hard spanking is in order?  Too hard!
 
                         
               
               [She turns to Amy and Leela.]

               
                                     KUG
                         Men strange. You have them on your planet?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (ashamed) I'm afraid so.

               
                                     KUG
                         What they for?  Oh, you mean "snu-snu".
 
                         
               
               [The other Amazonians murmur.]

               
                                     THOG
                         We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But 
                         all we have go on are ancient legend 
                         and subscription to Cosmo.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
 
                         
               
                                     THOG
                         Silence. You want die like last men 
                         visit Amazonia?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What'd they die of?

               
                                     KUG
                         Crushed pelvises.

               
               [In the corner some happy little skeletons lie against the wall 
               with broken pelvises. One enjoyed himself so much he is still 
               holding the cigarette.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven!

               
               [The Femputer returns.]

               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, 
                         have decided the fate of the men. Femputer 
                         sentences them to death.  By snu-snu!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (cheering) Yay!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (cheering) Yeah!  (talking) What are 
                         you, gay?
 
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Death to the men. Death by snu-snu.
 
                         
               
               [The prisoners whimper.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Although the snu-snu part's gonna be 
                         pretty good.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Baby, it'll blow your mind.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Femputer, be reasonable. Sure men are 
                         annoying and they wreck up whatever 
                         planet they're in charge of. But most 
                         of these men are sorta my friends. They 
                         don't deserve to die.
 
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Hmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as 
                         Femputer thinks.
 
               
                                     THOG
                         But they make fun women's basketball.
 
                         
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         What?! Did you explain how the women's 
                         good fundamentals make up for their 
                         inability to dunk?
 
               
                                     ORNIK
                         Yes. They still laugh.

               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         The men must die.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Too true, Femputer. You're so wise. 
                         Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance! 
                         Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. 
                         It's an understandable mistake. You 
                         can let me down now, thanks.
 
               
                                     KUG
                         He big jerk like man.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I sure am. But check the crotch.  Nothing.
 
                         
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Very well, release him. As for the others, 
                         take them to the snu-snu chambers.
 
                         
               
               [Kif's jaw drops in fear followed by Zapp's and Fry's. Zapp and 
               Fry change to happy smiling, then back to fear, then happy, then 
               fear...]
 
               
               [Outside Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians carry Fry, Kif and 
               Zapp towards the snu-snu chambers under the moonlit sky.]
 
               
               [Snu-Snu Chambers. Fry, Zapp and Kif stand in their underpants 
               with their hands tied behind them and their feet bound. Several 
               Amazonians have gathered to watch along with Amy, Leela and Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) I'll miss you, meatbag.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Me too, meatbag.

               
                                     FRY
                         Goodbye, friends. I never thought I 
                         would die like this. But I'd always 
                         really hoped.
 
               
               [Femputer gives instructions over the Sonya loudspeaker.]

               
               
                                     AMAZONIANS
                         (chanting) Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu!
 
                         
               
               [Thog starts untying Kif's hands.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Amy. Before I die, I have to tell you: 
                         I didn't mean to say those awful things 
                         on our date. They were all Zapp's idea.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Really? Honest and true?

               
                                     KIF
                         Yes. And-And that person calling and 
                         hanging up, was me. I was just too nervous 
                         to say hello because I love you.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, Kif!

               
                                     THOG
                         It Thog's first time.  Be gentle!

               
               [She flings him over her shoulder and walks into the snu-snu 
               chamber. Ornik and Kug drag Fry and Zapp into two other chambers.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         We've got to do something. Bender, maybe 
                         you can interface with the Femputer 
                         and reprogram it to let them go.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Maybe you can interface with my ass. 
                         By biting it!  Alright, I'll go!
 
               
               [He walks off mocking Amy's curse. Ornik and Kug walk out of 
               the chambers and two new women walk in. Fry and Zapp groan from 
               inside then cheer.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (from inside) Ooh! Yeah!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (from inside) Oh, baby!

               
               [They groan and scream again.]

               
               [Outside Femputer Temple. Bender runs up one side and hides behind 
               one of the stone boobies. Two guards sit on the steps.]
 
               
                                     GUARD #1
                         How Tonk look?

               
                                     GUARD #2
                         Tonk look good. Me fat.

               
                                     GUARD #1
                         No, you look good. Tonk fat.

               
               [Bender mocks them with the yack-yack gesture. They walk down 
               the steps and Bender sneaks inside.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Femputer Temple. The Femputer is facing outwards.]
 
               
               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Intruder! Stay away from the mighty 
                         Femputer! Guards!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Time to override the CPU and reprogram 
                         this Femputer.
 
               
               [He takes out a pipe and starts hitting the Femputer.]

               
                                     FEMPUTER
                         Hey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey, 
                         cut that out!
 
               
               [A panel falls down revealing a hollow section of the Femputer 
               with a bed, a curtain and lots of levers. Also a Fembot.]
 
               
                                     FEMBOT
                         Cease hitting Femputer!

               
               [She turns around and sees Bender and screams.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You're no Femputer, you're a Fembot!
 
                         
               
                                     FEMBOT
                         (ashamed) It's true. I disguised myself 
                         as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         But why?

               
                                     FEMBOT
                         Why? Why? I came here from a faraway 
                         planet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic 
                         Manputer that was really a Manbot. Have 
                         you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot 
                         living in a Manbot's Manputer's world?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         What?

               
                                     FEMBOT
                         And now, my meddling Manbot, there's 
                         the question of what to do with you!
 
                         
               
               [She narrows her eyes and moves towards him. He backs away, waving 
               his arms and panicking.]
 
               
               [Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians are queued up waiting for their 
               snu-snu. Fry and Zapp walk out, gasping.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (gasping) We need rest. The spirit is 
                         willing but the flesh is spongy and 
                         bruised.
 
               
                                     ORNIK
                         It time snu-snu!

               
                                     FRY
                         Can't we just cuddle?  (screaming) Nooo!
 
                         
               
               [She carries him inside. Kug picks up Zapp. He groans and she 
               takes him in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We can't wait for Bender. It's time 
                         for a woman's touch.  Yah! Hi-yah! Yah, 
                         yah yah!
 
               
               [An Amazonian picks her up by her ponytail, throws her on the 
               floor and sits on her. Amy walks past on stilts. She has put 
               a bone through her hair and torn her dress.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         (disguised, deeper voice) Me next snu-snu. 
                         Out me way.
 
               
               [She walks into a snu-snu chamber.]

               
               [Cut to: Kif's Snu-Snu Chamber. Thog looks under a bed.]

               
                                     THOG
                         Where go beautiful man?  Me want snu-snu!
 
                         
               
               [She pokes him with a broom and he runs around the ceiling, his 
               hands and feet sticking to it. Amy walks in. She sees Kif and 
               Thog and gasps. She jumps off the stilts and holds out her arms.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Kif! Jump!

               
               [He lands in her arms.]

               
                                     KIF
                         My hero!

               
               [They kiss and run.]

               
               [Outside Femputer Temple. Amy runs past the steps still carrying 
               Kif with the Amazonians chasing her.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         (shouting) Me not get snu-snu! Get him!
 
                         
               
               [They chase her around the side of the temple. Ornik, Kug and 
               another group of Amazonians block her path. She gasps and ducks 
               through a crack in the wall.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Femputer Temple. Amy runs towards the Femputer and the 
               Amazonians run in and corner her. Thog gets on her knees in front 
               of the Femputer.]
 
               
                                     THOG
                         Mighty Femputer. Small girl steal green 
                         kissy man. We kill her now?
 
               
                                     FEMBOT
                         (from inside) Come back later. Leave 
                         me alone.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (from inside) Yeah, get lost!  (spookily) 
                         Ooh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the 
                         prisoners!  (from inside) And bring 
                         gold. Lots of gold.
 
               
                                     THOG
                         Gold? Why Femputer want gold?

               
                                     FEMBOT
                         (from inside) You heard the man.

               
               [They giggle again. Amy and Kif smile and walk out.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (from inside) C'mon! Gimmie some of 
                         that!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water 
               cooler.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And that's how I got my new shell. It 
                         looks just like the shell I threw out 
                         yesterday and I found it in the same 
                         dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon 
                         inside.  Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Stick to someone else, you windy barnacle¬
 
                         
               
               [Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sat at the table.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's funny how the battle of the sexes 
                         was only resolved when a Manbot and 
                         a Fembot realised they loved each other.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm 
                         not here. All I know is this gold says 
                         that was the best mission ever!
 
               
               [He closes his door. Inside and on the table are big bars of 
               gold. On the couch Kif yawns and puts his arm around Amy. She 
               giggles.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         It sure was.

               
               [Fry and Zapp stand nearby in body casts and leaning on crutches.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, yeah!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I had snu-snu!

               
                                     KIF
                         So, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do 
                         now?
 
               
               [Amy whispers something in his ear and smiles. He gasps and stutters.]
 
               
               
               THE END

               

Amazon Women In The Mood



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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