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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 220 

                                "ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST I"

                                           By

                         Eric Rogers, Ken Keeler & David X. Cohen

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Painstakingly Drawn Before A Live 
               Audience.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are assembled around 
               a table.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone! I've invented a 
                         device that allows you to operate equipment 
                         from great distances. I call it "the 
                         fing-longer".  Observe.  And, here we 
                         go.  There!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh!

               
                                     AMY
                         Wow!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Pretty long, eh?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, it's really long. But what did 
                         you just turn on with it?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, that's just the What-If machine 
                         I invented. You pose it a What-If question 
                         and it generates a video simulation 
                         of what would happen.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Does it really work?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Of course it works!  It's just not very 
                         long.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooh! Ooh!  I wanna aks it a question! 
                          As a robot living among humans, I've 
                         never really felt accepted at parties 
                         or nude beaches. So I've always secretly 
                         wondered: What if I was 500-feet tall?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Let's watch, shall we?

               
               [What-If On the What-If machines screen a Bending Unit bends 
               a girder and fixes it to the shoulder of a 500-foot tall Bender. 
               Another throws a switch and giant Bender's eyelid opens. He scratches 
               his ass and belches.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         My work here is done!

               
               [He blasts off and flies away. The other Bending Units salute 
               him.]
 
               
               [What-If He flies towards Earth as Black Sabbath's Iron Man plays.]
 
               
               
               [What-If Central Park Lake. Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm so lonely since I came to the future. 
                          Will you be my friend?  Ow!
 
               
               [A shadow creeps over Fry. He looks up and Bender falls on him. 
               Bender groans and sits up. Fry is wedged between his eyes. Fry 
               gasps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who are you?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You too? Will you be my friend?

               
               [Bender holds out his hand.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Put it there, pal!  I meant your wallet.
 
                         
               
               [Montage: Fry and Bender play hide and seek as Hanson's Mmmbop 
               plays. Fry counts and looks for Bender behind some bushes and 
               under a rock even though it is more than obvious he is hiding 
               behind a tree. Bender giggles. Fry looks around and sees him 
               and they both laugh. Later they stand on a road bridge overlooking 
               a highway. They lean over and Fry spits on a car windscreen. 
               Bender spits a huge glob of oil onto the road. Cars skid and 
               pile up. Fry sternly shakes his finger at Bender. Back in the 
               park, they play Frisbee near a Hanson concert. Fry throws the 
               Frisbee, Bender leaps for it and crushes Hanson and the crowd. 
               He gets up and smiles at Fry. Fry hugs Bender's foot. The scene 
               ends with a heart wipe.]
 
               
               [Newspaper Headline: "Robot Rampage: Thousands Dead. None Injured".]
 
               
               
               [What-If New New York City Street. Troops march through the streets 
               with tanks behind them and planes overhead. Bender snaps a chimney 
               off "Kentucky Slim's Chicken-Flavoured Cigarettes" factory and 
               smokes it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah! That calms the shakes.  Hey! 
                          (laughing) Aw, quit it1 Come on!
 
                         
               
               [Fry runs between the soldiers and Bender.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Stop! The robot's not your 
                         enemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood--
 
                         
               
               [The soldiers shoot him and he screams and faints. Bender stamps 
               down the street and crushes troops. In a tank, Zapp and Kif watch.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh--

               
               [Bender treads on them and Kif sighs. Bender sniffs and groans. 
               He rips up a telegraph pole and scrapes the tank off his foot.]
 
               
               
               [What-If Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Amy, Hermes, Leela and 
               Farnsworth watch Bender's rampage.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Well, there goes the neighbourhood. 
                          There goes another neighbourhood.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster 
                         that big.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Nothing except and even equally big 
                         monster. This is chance to try out my 
                         experimental enlarging ray. But we'll 
                         need a guinea pig.
 
               
               [What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind 
               a table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the 
               door, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What's this? Two meals in one week?
 
                         
               
               [He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over 
               him and traps him. Amy laughs.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Gotcha!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, yes!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked 
                         me!  What?
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from 
               the hangar roof.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's 
                         more like it! Who's intimidating who 
                         now, big city?  Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan 
                         Bank. Deny my credit card application, 
                         will you?  Ah, the famed Apollo Theatre. 
                         Boo me off stage on open-mike night, 
                         huh? I'll show you!
 
               
               [He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender 
               arrives.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey! I called this city. Quit touching 
                         my stuff!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Tell it to claw.

               
               [He holds up his claw to Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bite my colossal metal ass!

               
               [Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps 
               off part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them 
               at Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Stop!

               
               [Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings. 
               They roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks 
               up a building and uses a bridge to twang it at Bender. It misses 
               and hits a cliff. A "Luxury River View Apts" banner rolls out 
               from one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from 
               its foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery 
               belch.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hmm?

               
               [Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he 
               disappears under. Bender laughs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Bender?

               
               [Bender turns around and looks down and sees Fry standing with 
               crayons and paper.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Huh?

               
                                     FRY
                         Wanna make Shrinky Dinks?

               
               [Bender leans over to Fry and Zoidberg appears from the water 
               and clips off Bender's feet at his ankles. Bender loses his balance 
               and falls over, impaling himself on a building. He groans, opens 
               his chest cabinet and sees the top of the building.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Who put this in here?

               
               [He slides down the building. Fry rushes forward from the crowd.]
 
               
               
               Fry (screaming) Nooo! [He climbs onto Bender.] (talking) Are 
               you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll 
               never even know why he came.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll tell you ... with my final breath. 
                          I came here with a simple dream: A 
                         dream of killing all humans. And this 
                         is how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton 
                         robot monster here? Not I.  Not I.
 
                         
               
               [He dies.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Goodnight, sweet prince.

               
                                     NARRATOR
                         (voice-over) Interesting stuff. Stay 
                         tuned for more Tales Of Interest!
 
                         
               
               [The What-If scenario ends.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, Leela, care to give the What-If 
                         machine a whirl?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Maybe later. I-I mean, I don't know 
                         what to ask about.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Come on, woman! Just pick something.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this.
 
                         
               
               [He picks up some Admiral Crunch, tips it on his head and pours 
               milk over it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Go, man! Go!

               
               [Fry eats the cereal from his head.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I can be really impulsive. It just takes 
                         me a while.  Alright, Professor! Let's 
                         do it. Make that machine show me what 
                         would happen if I was a little more 
                         impulsive. Just a little.  Not too much.
 
                         
               
               [What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Amy and Bender sat 
               around the table. Enter Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, you guys. Look what I bought on 
                         a wild impulse: New boots. They're like 
                         my old ones but with a crazy green stripe. 
                         Woo! Never know what I'm gonna do next!
 
                         
               
               [Fry hums and ladles some gravy onto a chicken that is on his 
               head. Leela sighs. Enter Farnsworth.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Leela, could you come in here for a 
                         moment. I have something important to 
                         tell you.
 
               
               [What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He takes a plate of 
               raw meat out of a fridge.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I can't live forever and I need an heir. 
                         Someone to spend my vast riches and 
                         take care of my man-eating anteaters 
                         when I'm gone.  The others simply aren't 
                         level-headed enough. They're too impulsive. 
                         Not like you. Not like old, predictable, 
                         dull-as-dishwater Leela.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hello? New boots!

               
               [He turns his back to her and looks into the pit.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's why I've made you my sole heir. 
                         The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy 
                         woman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy. 
                         The day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yah!

               
               [She kicks Farnsworth into the pit.]

               
               Farnsworth (shouting) Ooh! [The anteaters start to eat him.] 
               Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, God! What have I done?

               
               Farnsworth I just told you, you've killed me!

               
               [The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his 
               skeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses 
               onto his skull.]
 
               
               [What-If Planet Express Corridor. Leela stands outside the lounge 
               rubbing her hands.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, just try to be nonchalant.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit 
                         rubbing our noses in it.
 
               
               [Enter Hermes.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! 
                         The Professor's been eaten by giant 
                         anteaters!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What?

               
               [Leela gasps.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! 
                         I'm gonna call the police ... right 
                         after I flush some things.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens 
                         I have mail order degrees in Murderology 
                         and Murderonomy.  Zoidberg is afoot!
 
                         
               
               [What If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Leela are sat 
               at the table. There are boxes scattered around Hermes and piles 
               of paper in front of him.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Perhaps the Professor's files can clear 
                         things up. (reading) "Citation for public 
                         nudity", "Conspiracy to commit public 
                         nudity". (talking) Aha! A new will! 
                         Naming ...  ... you as his sole heir.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That doesn't prove I killed him.

               
                                     HERMES
                         It's a video will. It shows you killing 
                         him.
 
               
               [The will plays, showing Leela kicking Farnsworth into the pit. 
               Leela narrows her eye at Hermes. Hermes' jaw drops.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg leans over 
               the anteater pit. The sounds of Leela beating Hermes comes from 
               the meeting room.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (from meeting room) Hi-yah!

               
               [Hermes screams.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Alright, anteater number one, who are 
                         you protecting?  Is it anteater number 
                         two?  Don't stick your tongue out at 
                         me. I need a name!  What? How do you 
                         spell that?
 
               
               [The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         (shouting; from meeting room) What are 
                         you hacking off? Is it my torso? It 
                         is! My precious torso!
 
               
               ZoidbergL (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela forces something down 
               the garbage disposal using the stick end of a plunger. Enter 
               Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whatya got? Disposal trouble?

               
               [Leela covers the disposal.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No! Everything's just--

               
               [He moves her aside and throws the plunger out the way.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Sure is shocking about the Professor, 
                         huh?.  And now Hermes is mysteriously 
                         missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me, 
                         Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? 
                         And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food 
                         goes in the disposal, hair and flesh 
                         go in the trash!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm sorry, I couldn't stop-- W-Wait. 
                         Don't you care that I murdered Hermes?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Not even a little. There's nothing wrong 
                         with murder, just so long as you let 
                         Bender wet his beak.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're blackmailing me?

               
                                     BENDER
                         "Blackmail" is such an ugly word. I 
                         prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it 
                         sound cool.  Please, honey, I'm made 
                         of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt 
                         me with a-- Hey! What are you doing 
                         with that microwave?
 
               
               [Leela smashes the glass on the microwave door and turns it on. 
               Bender sparks and falls to pieces.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, that's it. No more killing! Next 
                         time you feel like killing just have 
                         a stick of gum.  Now to dispose of the 
                         body.
 
               
               [What-If Planet Express: Lounge. Leela drives a Bender-cart in. 
               She honks the horn.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Wow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and 
                         sexy. Not like you at all.
 
               
               [Leela narrows her eye.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Do you have any gum?

               
                                     AMY
                         No.

               
               [Leela's shadow creeps over her and she screams.]

               
               [What-If Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet 
               Express staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the 
               room. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco 
               into his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache 
               walks in.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah, the gang's all here.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Who are you?

               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Scruffy, the janitor.

               
               [He sits down.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I've never seen you before.

               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         I've never seen you before neither.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Quiet, please. I've called you all here 
                         to the parlour to watch as I gradually 
                         solve the crime. One of the people in 
                         this room ... is a big murderer!  You 
                         see, the killer left one fatal clue: 
                         This boot print on the Professor's lab 
                         coat.
 
               
               [He holds it up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots. 
                          See?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ew! What smells like boot feet?

               
               [Cubert snorts.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         This is preposterous. Obviously the 
                         murderer is--
 
               
               [Leela turns the lights off and Cubert squeaks. The lights go 
               back on. There is now a sword through cubert. Scruffy gasps.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         My next clue came at 4.15, when the 
                         clock stopped. And another came two 
                         hours later at 4.15, when I discovered 
                         the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased 
                         corpse.
 
               
               [He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple 
               hair.]
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Scruffy knows who killed them people. 
                         In Scruffy's opinion, it were--
 
               
               [Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the 
               same sword. The lights come back on.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So, it's just as I suspected all along. 
                         The crime is unsolvable!  A letter from 
                         Bender, my good friend. (reading) Dear 
                         Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, 
                         I'm already dead. The person who killed 
                         me was ... was--  My God! It can't be! 
                         The murderer, it was--
 
               
               [Fry yawns.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. 
                         I'm gonna go watch TV.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Could you get the lights on your way 
                         out?
 
               
               [The lights go off.]

               
               [What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table 
               eating a plate of something red.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whatcha eating?

               
                                     LEELA
                          Lobster. Want some?

               
                                     FRY
                         Sure.  Y'know, I think I finally figured 
                         out what's behind all these mysterious 
                         deaths.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Really?

               
                                     FRY
                         Was Planet Express built on an Indian 
                         graveyard?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     FRY
                         No?

               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Then ... then ... it was you!

               
               [Leela sobs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) I don't know what came over 
                         me. I killed one person on impulse. 
                         Then I had to kill another. And another.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, that covers the first three killings.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         And now, to make sure you won't talk, 
                         I'm gonna have to do something really 
                         impulsive!
 
               
               [What-If Leela's Bedroom. Fry and Leela relax in bed. Leela sighs.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive 
                         new me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I like it!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Good. Now let me just get the lights.
 
                         
               
               [She turns the lights off. Fry screams.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I really like it!

               
               [The What-If scenario ends.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Who else has a question for the What-If 
                         machine? Scruffy? Fry?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Um, I have a question. What if Bender 
                         was really giant?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You idiot! We already saw that.

               
                                     FRY
                         I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We're not seeing it again! Ask something 
                         less stupid.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if 
                         I never fell into that freezer-doodle 
                         and came to the future-jiggy?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That question is less stupid, though 
                         you asked it in a profoundly stupid 
                         way.  What would happen if Fry never 
                         came to the future?
 
               
               [He turns the crank and the What-If machine plays the scenario.]
 
               
               
               [What-If It's December 31st 1999. Fry cycles past O'Grady's Pub.]
 
               
               
               [What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on 
               the 64th floor and walks into the cryogenics lab.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is as it was in the pilot. 
               He wipes the condensation off a tube and a different man is inside.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener?! 
                         Aw, crud!  Here's to another lousy Millennium! 
                          Ow!  I should have left you floating 
                         in the toilet!
 
               
               [Behind him a blue hole opens. He turns around. Bender, Zoidberg, 
               Farnsworth and Leela are in the hole. They look around in confusion, 
               not noticing Fry.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What is it?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It appears that the very fabric of space-time 
                         has ripped.
 
               
               [Bender sees Fry.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo!
 
                         
               
               [Fry gasps and Bender laughs and make ghost noises.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Who are you monsters? Is one of you 
                         Icy Wiener?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
 
                         
               
               [The hole closes and a gust of wind lifts Fry off his legs. He 
               grabs on to the desk and is sucked back until the hole closes 
               completely.]
 
               
               [What-If Panucci's Pizza. Fry is back at work. Panucci scratches 
               his back with a baguette.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You believe me about the monsters, right, 
                         Mr. Panucci?
 
               
                                     PANUCCI
                         There's only three real monsters, kid: 
                         Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now 
                         quit picking your nose and knead that 
                         dough!  Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking?
 
                         
               
                                     HAWKING
                         No. Today I'd like something good.
 
                         
               
               [Panucci laughs.]

               
                                     PANUCCI
                         Hawking, you're alright! I'll make you 
                         the usual!
 
               
               [He walks into the kitchen.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that 
                         physicist that invented gravity?
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         Sure. Why not?

               
                                     FRY
                         Let me ask you something: Has anyone 
                         ever discovered a hole in nothing with 
                         monsters in it?  'Cause if I'm the first, 
                         I want them to call it "a Fry Hole".
 
                         
               
                                     HAWKING
                         There is nothing to be concerned about. 
                         I must go. There is much to do.
 
               
               [He turns to leave. Panucci comes back with his pizza.]

               
                                     PANUCCI
                         Hey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready.

               
                                     HAWKING
                         Toss it in the garbage!

               
               [What-If Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry locks up for the night 
               and walks into an alley.]
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         (from alley) There he is. Seize him.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (from alley) Who said that?  Hey! What 
                         the--? Ooh! Ow! Ow!
 
               
               [What-If Fry awakens somewhere, tied to a chair with a spotlight 
               pointing down on him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who are you people?

               
               [A figure emerges from the shadows.]

               
                                     GORE
                         I'm Al Gore. And these are my Vice Presidential 
                         Action Rangers; A group of top nerds 
                         whose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions 
                         in the space-time continuum.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I thought your duty was to cast the 
                         tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
 
               
                                     GORE
                         That, and protect the space-time continuum. 
                         Read the constitution!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my 
                         Fry Hole.
 
               
                                     GORE
                         very much so. But first, meet the Action 
                         Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking. 
                         Also with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a. 
                         Commander Uhura.
 
               
               [Nichols, dressed like Uhura from Star Trek, sits monitoring 
               some equipment. She turns around.]
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Incoming transmission from MCI one rate 
                         department. It sounds like a limited-time 
                         offer.
 
               
                                     GORE
                         Tell them I'm in the tub! To my left 
                         you'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor 
                         of Dungeons & Dragons.
 
               
                                     GYGAX
                         Greetings! It's a ...  ... pleasure 
                         to meet you!
 
               
                                     GORE
                         And our summer intern, Deep Blue. The 
                         world's foremost chess-playing computer.
 
                         
               
                                     DEEP BLUE
                         Bishop to knight 4.

               
               [Gore pats Deep Blue.]

               
                                     GORE
                         Not all missions can be solved with 
                         chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand 
                         that.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Where am I, anyway?

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         You're travelling in a specially-equipped 
                         terrestrial transport module.
 
               
                                     GYGAX
                         A school bus!

               
               [The yellow bus has "Grand Unified School District" written on 
               the side.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So what do you nerds want?

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         It's about that rip in space-time that 
                         you saw.
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         I call it a "Hawking Hole".

               
                                     FRY
                         No fair! I saw it first!

               
                                     HAWKING
                         Who is The Journal Of Quantum Physics 
                         going to believe?
 
               
                                     GYGAX
                         Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates 
                         that some of that was supposed to happen 
                         but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation.
 
                         
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         That's why we had to beat you with tennis 
                         rackets.
 
               
                                     GORE
                         If we don't go back there and make the 
                         event happen, the entire universe will 
                         be destroyed! And as an environmentalist, 
                         I'm against that.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The bus screeches to a halt.]
 
               
               
               [What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry recounts what happened to the 
               action rangers.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So then my chair tilted back and I almost 
                         fell into this freezer thingy.
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         I call it a "Hawking Chamber".

               
                                     FRY
                         But instead of falling in and getting 
                         frozen, I missed and wanged my head.
 
                         
               
                                     GORE
                         Well it's obvious what should have happened: 
                         That wang to the head should have killed 
                         you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, what?

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Let's finish the job.

               
                                     GORE
                         No! Wait! There must be a peaceful--
 
                         
               
               [Nichols pushes him over and he screams.]

               
                                     HAWKING
                         Hold him down.

               
                                     DEEP BLUE
                         Check.

               
               [Gygax, Nichols and Deep Blue pin Fry to the floor. Hawking runs 
               him over.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

               
               [The hole opens. Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Something's wrong. Murder isn't working 
                         and that's all we're good at.
 
               
                                     GYGAX
                         Let's try something else. Maybe we should--
 
                         
               
               [He rolls the dice. Gore slams his hand on the desk.]

               
                                     GORE
                         Put the dice away before I take them 
                         away.
 
               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Wait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry 
                         was supposed to get frozen?
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my 
                         idea.
 
               
               [Bender appears in the hole.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, there he is again. And he brought 
                         nerds! Take this!
 
               
               [He throws his bottle at them and it smashes at Fry's feet.]
 
               
               
                                     GORE
                         Get in the tube, dummy! We only have 
                         a few seconds before the universe is 
                         destroyed.
 
               
               [They converge on Fry and back him towards the freezer.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Alright. But I need a weapon to fight 
                         off drunken robots when I wake up.
 
                         
               
                                     GYGAX
                         Here. Take my plus-one mace.

               
               [Fry takes it and walks towards the tube.]

               
                                     FRY
                         OK, here I go.

               
               [He smashes the cryogenic freezers top window and laughs maniacally.]
 
               
               
                                     GORE
                         You fool! You foolish fool!

               
                                     FRY
                         Eh? What's the worst thing that can 
                         happen?
 
               
               [The hole starts to suck the room into itself. It sucks in Fry 
               and the action rangers. They scream.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The Fry Hole sucks in the 
               building and those around it.]
 
               
               [What-If The Earth is sucked into the hole followed by planets, 
               galaxies and space itself until all that is left is white. Fry, 
               Hawking, Gore, Nichols, Deep Blue and Gygax float around in the 
               white.]
 
               
                                     HAWKING
                         Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Destroyed? Then where are we now?

               
                                     GORE
                         I don't know. But I can darn well tell 
                         you where we're not: The universe.
 
                         
               
               [Nichols groans.]

               
                                     NICHOLS
                         Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena 
                         Star Trek convention all over again.
 
                         
               
                                     GYGAX
                         Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons 
                         for the next quadrillion years?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sure.

               
                                     HAWKING
                         I guess.

               
                                     DEEP BLUE
                         Pawn to rook 8.

               
                                     GORE
                         I'm a 10th-level Vice President!

               
               [The What-If scenario ends.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth turns off the What-If 
               machine.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That story was preposterous. Stephen 
                         Hawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't 
                         worth the gold it's made of.  Anyway, 
                         the fing-longer seems to be arousing 
                         success.
 
               
               [The staff applaud.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Good work.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Congratulations!

               
                                     AMY
                         Right on, Professor!

               
               [The What-If scenario ends. Farnsworth has been watching the 
               whole thing on the What-If machine.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         So that's what things would be like 
                         if I'd invented the fing-longer.  A 
                         man can dream though. A man can dream.
 
                         
               
               THE END

               
               

Anthlogy Of Interest I



Writers :   Eric Rogers  Ken Keeler  David X. Cohen
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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