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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 403

                               "ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST II"

                                           By

               Lewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Hey TiVo! Suggest This!]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The Professor hits his What 
               If? machine with a hammer.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There. I've finished fine tuning my 
                         What If? machine. It can answer any 
                         What If? question, accurate to within 
                         1/10th of a plausibility unit.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's so plausible I can't believe 
                         it!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Who wants the machine to show them an 
                         alternate reality?
 
               
               [Bender steps forward.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I wanna know what would happen if I 
                         were human. I mean, being a robot's 
                         great but we don't have emotions and 
                         sometimes that makes me very sad.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh lordy loo! There he goes again. Well, 
                         let's give baby what he wants.  What 
                         if Bender were human?
 
               
               [He pulls a string.]

               
               [What If? Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped 
               to a table with the crew gathered around him.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news everyone. I've discovered 
                         a way to make Bender human using a process 
                         I call "reverse fossilisation."
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         How does it work?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh 
                         and bone turn to minerals. Realising 
                         that, it was a simple matter to reverse 
                         the process. I've already tested it 
                         by turning the toaster into a racoon.
 
                         
               
               [He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around a bit before two 
               slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Kinda gamey.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Are you ready Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I dunno. I'm beginning to have second 
                         thoughts -
 
               
               [Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity 
               in a fashion resembling the countless Frankenstein films. He 
               slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Cover your shame mon!

               
               [He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human 
               Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It worked! Eat it everyone who never 
                         won a Nobel Prize! And that includes 
                         you Amy!
 
               
               [Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         So this is the human body huh? Neat! 
                          Hey, my antenna's gone.  Nah it just 
                         moved. I'm not getting good reception 
                         on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around 
                         a little.
 
               
                                     FRY (WHISPERING)
                         Bender no! You'll make God cry.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well lets see what kind of things thing 
                         body can do.  Hey that's pretty fun. 
                          Being human is great!
 
               
               [He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray, its just like Mardis Gras!
 
                         
               
               [What If? Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the 
               men's room.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Guy guys, you've gotta see this. You're 
                         not gonna believe it!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender it's OK to be pround but don;t 
                         be a show off.
 
               
               [Bender looks Amy up and down.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, you look a lot better than you 
                         used to for some reason.
 
               
                                     AMY (SEXFULLY)
                         You're not so bad yourself big boy.
 
                         
               
               [She kisses him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey that felt great!  Nah its not working 
                         anymore.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Speak for yourself!

               
               [What If? O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender downs a glass of beer and lights 
               up a cigar.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, this is awesome!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender you drank and smoked when you 
                         were a robot.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         But now its bad for me! Woo!

               
               [He picks up another glass. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the 
               bar.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Speaking of which, try these nachos.
 
                         
               
               [Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts 
               scoffing the rest of them.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Mmm, why didn't anyone tell me tasting 
                         things tasted so good?  What's going 
                         on? That rhythm. Its doing something 
                         to my human butt.
 
               
               [He stands up and starts to dance still holding his beer, cigar 
               and some nachos.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender, part of being human is having 
                         self control.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh my God I bet I can eat nachos and 
                         go to the bathroom at the same time!
 
                         
               
               [He picks up the box of nachos but everyone else restrains him.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         No Bender.

               
                                     HERMES
                         No!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Stop him.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Let me go.

               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Come Bender, its time to go home and 
                         rest. I need you in top shape next week 
                         when I present you to the Nobel Prize 
                         committee. Bender?
 
               
               [Bender climbs out of a window.]

               
               [Cut to: Street. Bender runs down the street cheering.]

               
                                     BENDER (SHOUTING)
                         Goodbye moderation!

               
               [What If? Bar. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with 
               a glass of beer and a hot dog.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin' 
               Donuts.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. He leaves a little while later with his arms around 
               two girls.]
 
               
               [What If? Academy Of Science. A week later Farnsworth and the 
               rest of the crew are at the Nobel Prize committee for the judging. 
               Farnsworth is on the stage at a podium trying to buy some time 
               while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table together.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Is Bender still missing for a week? 
                         Where is he already?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh as I've said before, I used reverse 
                         fossilisation, which is the reverse 
                         of regular, uh...
 
               
               [He wipes his brow. Fry pokes his head out from behind a curtain.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY (WHISPERING)
                         Psst, we found him!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah, them without further stalling for 
                         time, I present to the Nobel judges, 
                         the first robot ever turned into a human.
 
                         
               
               [The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans. 
               The scientists gasp.]
 
               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         My God, he needs medical attention!
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg scans Bender.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Pulse...300, liver...failing, cholesterol...40?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well that's not so bad.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No I mean 40 pounds!

               
               [Farnsworth continues but a little shaken.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This, uh, scientific breakthrough, uh, 
                         heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations 
                         yes.
 
               
               [Bender groans and looks at a woman.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         C'mere and give old Bender a kiss.  
                         Hey, you like grilled cheese?
 
               
               [He takes some grilled cheese out from under a roll of flab.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And, uh thats why I believe I deserve 
                         the Nobel Prize.
 
               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         Not only do you not deserve a Nobel 
                         Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball 
                         on the world but you are hereby kicked 
                         out of the Academy Of Science.
 
               
               [The scientists cheer and applaud.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait. As men of science are not your 
                         minds open to new ideas? I say, do not 
                         judge me until you have tried my way 
                         of life for yourselves.
 
               
               [The scientists look at each other.]

               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         Young man, you have opened our minds 
                         and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore 
                         -
 
               
                                     BENDER (SHOUTING)
                         Party!

               
               [Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with 
               a keg and Amy and Hermes with food.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Weee!

               
               [Time Lapse. The druken scientists are asleep and sitting around 
               in their underwear.]
 
               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         Bender, you were right! Truly you have 
                         lived more in your one week of being 
                         human than the rest of us have in our 
                         entire lives.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Woo!

               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         And so to recognise your achievements 
                         I hereby award you the Nobel Prize......in 
                         uh......chemistry!
 
               
               [Everyone applauds.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Care to say a few words Bender?

               
               [Bender doesn't. Fry moves his hand across Bender's eyes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         He's dead.

               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         When did he die?

               
               [Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         About 12 hours ago when the party started.
 
                         
               
                                     WERNSTRUM
                         But he just said "Woo."

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No. That was air escaping from the folds 
                         of his fat.  Goodnight sweet prince. 
                         You were the greatest man any of us 
                         will ever know. Well lets get him out 
                         of here. He's starting to smell up the 
                         joint.
 
               
               [The rest of the crew roll Bender out and woos along the way.]
 
               
               
                                     NARRATOR
                         You watched it, you can't unwatch it. 
                         Stay tuned for more Tales Of Interest!
 
                         
               
               [The What If? Scenario ends.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Who else has a question for the What 
                         If? machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooo I have one. I'm good at video games 
                         and bad at everything else. That's why 
                         I wish life were more like a video game.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Can you put that in the form of a question?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, What if that thing I said?

               
               [Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh great machine we beseech thee. What 
                         if life were more like a video game?
 
                         
               
               [What If? A video game ship flies around shoots some asteroids 
               like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Enter the crew, back from a 
               mission. Farnsworth and Hermes are sat on the couch watching 
               Nixon in the TV.]
 
               
                                     NIXON [ON TV]
                         Good evening ignorant pigs. Put down 
                         your crack pipes and you beer bongs 
                         and pay attention as I sign a historic 
                         peace accord with Ambassador Kong of 
                         planet Nintendu 64.
 
               
               [Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a second, I know that monkey. His 
                         name is Donkey.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Monkies aren't donkies! Quit messing 
                         with my head!
 
               
               [Cut to: UN Building.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon 
                         on it.  There. No major crap ups. You're 
                         on Mr Ambassador!  What the?
 
               
               [Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar goes flying. 
               Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof 
               and the floors collapse like in Donkey Kong.]
 
               
               [Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands 
               up.]
 
               
                                     MARIO
                         Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war 
                         has rolled onto our laps and ruined 
                         our white pants of peace!
 
               
               [He runs off.]

               
               [What If? MilAtari HQ. The crew and a miliatari guy walk down 
               a corridor.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Mr Fry rumour has it you know the secrets 
                         of the video game Chance. Please step 
                         into the war room.
 
               
               [A message on the war room door tels them they need the blue 
               key to enter. The man holds up the blue key and the door opens.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: War Room.]

               
                                     MAN
                         You'll be meeting with General Colin 
                         Pac-man.
 
               
                                     PAC-MAN
                         Wakka wakka wakka wakka. Lets get down 
                         to business. What can you tell us about 
                         the Nintendians?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well sir, I spent all of ninth grade 
                         studying them. Except for that day when 
                         my eyeballs started to bleed. And in 
                         my opinion.
 
               
               [A building outside explodes. Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     PAC-MAN
                         Quickly, to the escape tunnels!

               
               [Everyone runs off wakka-wakka-ing.]

               
               [Cut to: Pac-man Screen.]

               
                                     PAC-MAN
                         This way damn it!

               
               [Zoidberg eats the pellet thingies.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmellows! 
                          Ooo and a cherry!
 
               
               [He eats it and carries on running. He starts chasing Fry.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey watch out!

               
               [He eats him.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh oh!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh my god, he ate Fry! Fry is dead!
 
                         
               
               [Fry slides up behind them,]

               
                                     FRY
                         Its OK, I had another guy!

               
               [Everyone cheers.]

               
               [What If? Outside Planet Express. Everyone comes out of the end 
               of the escape tunnel and are very tired.]
 
               
                                     PAC-MAN
                         Wakka...wakka wa...

               
               [Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixelated cherry, a pixelated 
               pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them. Spaceships start 
               destroying buildings.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Invaders! Possibly from space!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens a window and pokes his 
               head out.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet 
                         Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our 
                         three different kinds of ships!
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, its Saturday night. I have 
                         no date, a two litre bottle of Shasta, 
                         and my all Rush mix tape! Let's rock!
 
                         
               
               [What If? Player's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening 
               to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship 
               and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Lrrr's Ship.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         We're losing ships sir. What are your 
                         orders?
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Increase speed, drop down and reverse 
                         direction!
 
               
               [And they do.]

               
               [Cut to: Player's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I've still got a trick or two up my 
                         sleeve. Watch as I fire up through our 
                         own shields.
 
               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         He's a madman! A madman!!

               
               [Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]
 
               
               
                                     PAC-MAN
                         It's working. Victory is ensured! My 
                         retirement tomorrow will be all the 
                         sweeter!  I'm hit! So cold!
 
               
               [He folds over and dies. Enter Ms Pac-man crying.]

               
                                     MS PAC-MAN (CRYING)
                         No - wakka wakka!

               
                                     FRY
                         Amy, tend to the widow pac-man.

               
               [Ms Pac-man cries and wakkas.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens the window.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Drop down and increase speed.

               
               [Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Player's Ship. Zoidberg looks up through the 
               window.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         One ship is left only.

               
               [Cut to: Player's Ship. Everyone cheers.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on Fry get it!

               
                                     FRY [SWEATING]
                         It's moving too fast. Oh I could never 
                         get the last one. My brother always 
                         got it for me!
 
               
               [Everyone screams.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. His ship cuts through Fry's shields. 
               Lrrr opens the window.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Drop down, reverse direction, prepare 
                         for landing.
 
               
               [His ship lands. A caption appears. War Over. Congratulations 
               Enter Initials. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.]
 
               
               [What If? Outside Planet Express. The crew are assembled outside 
               Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters 
               get out along with Lrrr.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         You are defeated. Instead of shooting 
                         where I was you should have shot where 
                         I was going to be.
 
               
                                     BESERK
                         All your base are belong to us.

               
               
                                     FRY
                         What do you monsters want?

               
                                     DONKEY KONG
                         One thing and one thing only. Quarters! 
                         A million allowances worth of quarters! 
                         No slugs or tokens!
 
               
                                     BESERK
                         Fork 'em over! (different tone) Fork 
                         'em over!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Forget it you pixelated pirates. We 
                         need those quarters to do our laundry.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Right on!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sure thing Professor!

               
                                     LRRR
                         But, but space invaders need to do laundry 
                         too! I mean look at Donkey Kong here. 
                         Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yes.

               
                                     AMY
                         Go away. We're not giving you our quarters 
                         no matter what.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Well...then what if we throw our laundry 
                         in with yours? Would that be acceptable?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I guess so.

               
               [Lrrr takes off his cape.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         OK then, that settles that. But if this 
                         cape shrinks, consider your species 
                         extinct!
 
               
                                     NARRATOR
                         Bravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity 
                         the next Tale Of Interest!
 
               
               [The What If? Scenario ends.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, there's time for one last question. 
                         Let's turn to the Who Ask machine to 
                         see who's next.
 
               
               [He turns the machine on.]

               
                                     WHO ASK MACHINE
                         Um uh um...Amy.  I mean Leela.

               
               [Amy groans.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, ahem. As an alien who was abandoned 
                         on Earth, I've never really belonged 
                         anywhere.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Boo hoo.

               
               [She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and 
               hit Fry.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ow!

               
               [Bender looks around for his eyes.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh...where?

               
                                     LEELA
                         So my question is this: What if I found 
                         my true home?  Ow!
 
               
               [She falls over unconcious.]

               
               [Cut to: Leela's Dream. Everything is brown and white like in 
               Wizard Of Oz. Nibbler wakes up Leela who is dressed like Dorothy. 
               Leela looks around. She is in the Planet Express ship.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Where are we?

               
               [A tornado blows around the ship outside. Scruffy, the man witch, 
               flies past on a broom. He laughs evily but then can't be bothered 
               and flies away. The ship crash lands.]
 
               
               [Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its 
               side.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Nibbler, I don't think we're in New 
                         New York anymore.  Jeez, apparently 
                         the phrase tone it down doesn't exist 
                         on this planet.  Oh no! We hit someone! 
                         Quick, back into the ships.  Ooo, nice 
                         boots!
 
               
               [Nibbler sniffs them but recoils in horror. Enter Cubert, Dwight, 
               Tinny Tim, a gay Neptunian elf, a grunka-lunka and Glurmo all 
               dressed in weird stuff.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Look everyone! She killed the man-witch 
                         of the west!
 
               
               [Everyone cheers.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         A witch? That explains how these boots 
                         magically appeared on my feet.
 
               
                                     GLURMO
                         No, you stole them, we saw you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well...its hard to find shoes that fit 
                         me. So anyway, who are you people? Haven't 
                         I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
 
                         
               
                                     GLURMO (SINGING)
                         We resemble but are legally distinct 
                         from the lollipop guild, the lollipop 
                         -
 
               
               [Nibbler eats him. Enter Amy in a bubble.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Greetings Leela, I'm The Cute With Of 
                         The North!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah, can anyone fix my ship so I can 
                         get home?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Abracaduh! Just ask the Professor! He 
                         lives in the Emerald Laboratory down 
                         Martin Luther King Boulevard.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You mean that yellow brick road?

               
                                     AMY
                         The city council renamed it in 1975. 
                         (sarcastic) Ooo those are great shoes!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh thank you.

               
                                     AMY
                         Do they come in women's sizes?

               
               [Leela presses a button on her wristamajig and the steps come 
               out of the ship and crush Amy.]
 
               
               [Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and 
               passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands 
               on some corn.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK crow, prepare to be scared.  And 
                         then - honk honk - the car honked it's 
                         own horn!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, a talking scarecrow. Wanna come 
                         with us to see the Professor? He might 
                         be able to give you a brain.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, that's not a nice thing to say.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Beer. Beer.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Whiskey OK?

               
               [She pours some into his mouth, he belches fire and sets fire 
               to Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now did you say you were off to see 
                         the Professor? 'Cause I could use a 
                         heart. A human heart. I need to pump 
                         a lot of blood out of my basement.
 
                         
               
               [Enter Zoidberg in a yellow cab.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And I'm the other guy. Courage. Not 
                         enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. They all skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Mom's Castle. The evil witch Mom watches it on her TV. 
               The TV picture goes funny and she hits the TV repeatedly.]
 
               
               
                                     MOM
                         Damn this DSL!  Fly my stupids! Fly 
                         out and get them!
 
               
                                     IGNER
                         But Mom, you promised you'd make monkey 
                         cake today.
 
               
                                     MOM
                         By "monkey cake" I meant your ass.
 
                         
               
               [She slaps them and they fly away.]

               
               [Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome are still 
               skipping along.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, we've been skipping for hours. 
                         I need to pull over and take the wiz.
 
                         
               
               [Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What do I smell or something?  Oh!
 
                         
               
               [Mom's Castle.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why did you bring us here?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And why did I have to take a cab?

               
                                     MOM
                         I'll tell you why I brought you here 
                         you twice baked barf bag. Because I've 
                         always wanted a daughter to love. You 
                         want to get adopted you little skank?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         And live here? And be a witch like you? 
                         Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt 
                         people and not just dance around at 
                         the equinox.
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Absolutely.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh mommy, I found my true home!

               
               [They hug. Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hooray!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         All right!

               
                                     FRY
                         That's great Leela.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I've heard worse excuses to drink.  
                         Oops.
 
               
               [Purple smoke starts to come from Mom.]

               
                                     MOM
                         I'm melting! Who would have thought 
                         a small amount of liquid would ever 
                         fall on me?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, no point in letting her go to 
                         waste.
 
               
               [He pulls a straw out of his chest cavity and starts drinking 
               the puddle of Mom.]
 
               
               [Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the 
               green building which looks like the Planet Express building and 
               everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door. Hermes opens a peephole.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
                         Yes?

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're here to see the Professor.

               
                                     HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
                         No one sees the mighty Professor.

               
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh for the love of Benji.

               
               [She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk 
               in.]
 
               
               [Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head, 
               stands behind a curtain.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I am the Professor. Great and...uh...forgetful! 
                          Now what do you nice kids want?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Nothing, I'm leaving. But if you have 
                         extra courage I'd haul it away for you 
                         maybe?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh blithery poop my cowardly lobster! 
                         You don't need courage. Afterall, who 
                         needs courage when you have a gun?
 
                         
               
               [He hands Zoidberg a gun and he pretends to shoot it.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Now world, you put your hands up!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And you lad, all you need is brain.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Why does everyone keep saying that?
 
                         
               
               [Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         This is a stick up. Give me the bag 
                         old man!
 
               
               [Farnsworth chuckles.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Here you go my friend. 5000 Professor 
                         Land fun bucks!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh crap.

               
               [Farnsworth turns to Leela.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         As for you young lady, you want to go 
                         home right?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No not anymore. I wanna stay here and 
                         become the new Wicked Witch.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Nonsense. Now click your big honking 
                         boots together three times and wish 
                         to go home to Kansas, to live in poerty 
                         with your dirt farming, teetotalling 
                         aunt and uncle.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, alright. Here I go.  There's no 
                         place like - I wanna be a witch!  Oh 
                         no, help, what's happening?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh sorry, I think there's a problem 
                         with your upstairs toilet.
 
               
               [Leela melts some more.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket 
               of water on her and she wakes up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wake up!

               
               [Leela coughs and splutters.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, are you alright? You got wanged 
                         on the head.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I was having the most wonderful dream. 
                          Except you were there and you were 
                         there and you were there.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Never mind Professor, she came to.
 
                         
               
               [Enter Farnsworth with a box marked Leela's Organs.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, so close.

               
               [Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         There's always next year Professor, 
                         there's always next year.
 
               
               THE END

               

Anthology Of Interest II



Writers :   Lewis Morton  David X. Cohen  Jason Gorbett  Scott Kirby
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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