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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 513

                                       "BEND HER"

                                           By

                                        Mike Rowe

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Too Hot For Radio.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden. It's Earth's 3004 Olympic Games (Plus Opening 
               Act). Crowds cheer as an athlete carrying the Olympic torch runs 
               up the steps to light the Olympic flame. He opens a hatch in 
               the side, ignites the pilot light and turns the flame up like 
               a hotplate. The crowds cheer.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela, 
               Amy, Bender and Zoidberg watch the games.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So who should I root for? America or 
                         one of those countries I learned about 
                         at the Food Court?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         How 'bout those guys?

               
               [On the track some people dressed in stripy jerseys and French 
               berrets and carrying loaves of long bread wave to the crowd.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, they're from the Republic Of French 
                         Stereotypes. Everybody hates them.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, let's go check on Hermes. All this 
                         inspiring multi-culturalism is angrying 
                         up my blood.  Sweden? I don't think 
                         so!
 
               
               [He snatches the banner from them and rips it to shreads.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden Training Room. Hermes limbos under a limbo 
               stick.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Go on stick, touch me! Can't do it!
 
                         
               
               [The limbo stick is about 5 and a half feet off the ground. The 
               four crew members and LaBarbara are gathered around.]
 
               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Husband, you haven't been an Olympic 
                         class limboer for 20 years! Quit lying 
                         to your podgy self.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It does seem like Jamaica will be able 
                         to field a strong limbo team without 
                         you.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah, isn't that basically all Jamaicans 
                         do?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Jamaicans have other interests. Which 
                         is why the limbo team got detained at 
                         the airport.
 
               
                                     LABARBARA
                         That's when they begged my husband to 
                         step in and make an ass out of himself.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         And I said I'd try my very best.

               
                                     FRY
                         But have they seen your...y'know...physique, 
                         since the old days?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         I described it to them on the phone, 
                         using a series of artful euphanisms.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth holds a red and blue jumpsuit.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't worry, the fat pig will do fine 
                         thanks to this flabbo-dynamic spandex 
                         bodysuit I've designed.  It redistributes 
                         his weight, shifting his centre of gravity 
                         closer to his knees.
 
               
               [The bodysuit contracts around Hermes' waist and his flab equals 
               out underneath it.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Ooo, that's snug!  Oh, those haven't 
                         descended in years.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Now that's a limboer's body!

               
               [Everyone cheers.]

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         You're that fine Jamaican bacon!

               
               [Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors 
               warm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Shut up Zoidberg, the robot bending 
                         events are starting!  Something tells 
                         me I could easily beat those trained 
                         professionals.
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. A crane drops an unbendable 
               girder into the hands of a robot. And another. The robot bends 
               it around.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender gasps as he watches.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. The robot holds up the bent 
               girders.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow, that guy must have to be like the 
                         world's greatest bender. My dreams of 
                         glory died before they began.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Welcome to my life!

               
               [He bursts into tears.]

               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track.]

               
               
               [On the track the limboers warm up. A tall athlete takes his 
               lane next to Hermes'.]
 
               
                                     BARBADOS SLIM
                         Hermes Conrad. Is that you inside that 
                         dumpy little fat man?
 
               
               [Hermes gasps.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Barbados Slim! What are you doing here? 
                         Last time I heard you were in Barbados.
 
                         
               
                                     BARBADOS SLIM
                         Yes and I'll be going back there with 
                         a gold medal draped around my elegant 
                         Carribean shoulders.
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Your body may be as perfectly scultpted 
                         as it was 20 years ago when you whupped 
                         my fat ass every time we met......but 
                         today, I feel lucky.
 
               
               [The hood squashes his hair flat and then into a rounded point.]
 
               
               
                                     BARBADOS SLIM
                         I see you're still able to limbo under 
                         the bar of fashion sense!
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         That's it Barbados Slim, you've gone 
                         one talk over the line!
 
               
                                     STARTER
                         Limboers, on your marks, get rubbery......limbo!
 
                         
               
               [He shoots the starter gun and the limboers run off down the 
               track and under the limbo sticks.]
 
               
                                     COMMENTATOR
                         (voice-over) There they go, and Barbados 
                         Slim takes an early lead. God I hope 
                         he wins.  What's this? Hermes Conrad 
                         is closing the gap. He's limboed out 
                         of retirement and straight into my heart. 
                         I say go to hell Barbados Slim!
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. The crew and LaBarbara watch 
               and cheer and hold up a banner reading "You The Mon."]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Go bodysuit, go!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) Go!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) C'mon!

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         (shouting) C'mon Hermes, beat that mahogany 
                         god!
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track. Hermes closes in on Barbados 
               Slim as they approach the last limbo stick.]
 
               
                                     COMMENTATOR
                         (voice-over) It's Barbados, then Conrad. 
                         Conrad pulls ahead!  And Conrad is disqualified! 
                         Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold!
 
                         
               
               [LaBarbara runs to Hermes' side.]

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Aww, there there Hermes.  You did your 
                         best! If I'd wanted a human Adonis for 
                         a husband, I'd have stayed married to 
                         Barbados Slim.
 
               
               [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Disappointed, the crew sit 
               down.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well enough about Hermes, I couldn't 
                         win a medal either. Even at bending 
                         - the thing I was built to do. I'm so 
                         embarassed. I wish everybody else was 
                         dead.
 
               
                                     FEMALE ANNOUNCER
                         Up next, the Fembot bending competition.
 
                         
               
               [On the field Fembots bend coathangers.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fembots?  Methinks a clever Manbot suitably 
                         disguised might win those events! But 
                         the charade would require subtlety, 
                         nuance, grace.
 
               
               [Madison Cube Garden Olympic Officials Stand. The officials look 
               for Bender's entry form. He is dressed in a dress and a headscarf, 
               trying to look like a Fembot.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What do you mean I'm not registered? 
                         My name is Coilette and I'm from, uh...Robonia! 
                         Coilette's a chick's name!
 
               
                                     OFFICIAL
                         Yes but "Robonia" sounds like something 
                         somebody made up on the spot.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed 
                         like a chick?
 
               
               [The official squirms and hands Bender a card.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden Field. "Coilette" the Fembot from the Grand 
               Duchy Of Robonia prepares for the competition. A whistle blows. 
               Bender bends a bent girder. A man puts a protractor to it and 
               gives a thumbs up.]
 
               
                                     MALE ANNOUNCER
                         And it's straight! Coilette wins!

               
               [Time Lapse. Bender has now entered the javelin event. He runs 
               with the javelin, stops, bends it, throws it and watches it fly 
               across the field. It is the farthest thrown.]
 
               
                                     MALE ANNOUNCER
                         Another gold medal for the spunky maid 
                         from Robonia.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. In what looks to be a diving competition Bender 
               stands at the end of a girder shaped diving board. The beeper 
               beeps and he dives off the end, grabs the girder and bends it 
               as he falls.]
 
               
                                     MALE ANNOUNCER
                         A perfect bend and a flawless entry. 
                         No splash at all!  Perfect scores, a 
                         record five gold medals for Coilette!
 
                         
               
               [Bender flips onto his feet and cheers.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm great! Everybody else sucks, except 
                         that guy Bender, he's really somethin'!
 
                         
               
               [He cheers.]

               
               
               [Bender screams.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden Tunnel. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Amy stand 
               around the still disguised Bender.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You actually thought they'd let you 
                         walk away without an engine oil sex 
                         check?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) Oh God, I'm not gonna get my 
                         medals! They're all I have to remember 
                         my Olympic career.  Wait, I've got it! 
                         Professor, make a woman out of me!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh I think we should just stay friends.
 
                         
               
               [He pats Bender's hand.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't need friends, I need a sex change 
                         operation and give it to me now!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bender a robot sex change is a complex 
                         and dangerous procedure. Replacing your 
                         testosteroil with Fembot lubricants 
                         can cause wild mood swings. And the 
                         effects may be irreversible. Well let's 
                         get started!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, you can't!

               
                                     AMY
                         If you have even the slightest respect 
                         for the dignity of women -
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Pfft.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm sorry ladies but I must do this. 
                         Not for you, not for Bender, but for 
                         the proud people of Robonia!
 
               
               [Outside Robot Medical Tent. Three robots line up outside for 
               treatment. One has been impaled on a fencing sword, another has 
               been impaled with five javelins and another has been impaled 
               on a tennis racket. Bender holds up the side of the tent and 
               ushers Farnsworth, Fry and Leela inside. He gets impatient.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering) C'mon!

               
               [Cut to: Robot Medical Tent. Bender lies down on an operating 
               table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy 
                         and wrong and sick. However I will watch 
                         out of curiosity.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Quiet! (talking) I'm about 
                         to begin the process of reshaping Bender's 
                         body into a tender delicate form.
 
                         
               
               [He starts hitting Bender's casing with a sledgehammer. His shadow 
               is cast on the wall and Bender cries out in pain.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth jacks Bender's head up. He puts a spanner 
               between Bender's legs.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (dramatically) Draining male oil.  Infusing 
                         female oil.  Removing item.
 
               
               [He holds the shears around Bender's antenna. Fry ringes as Bender's 
               antenna is snipped off.]
 
               
               [Robot Gender Testing. A robot and a Fembot wait for Coilette.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT
                         We can't wait for Coilette any longer 
                         dammit. I have to get home to watch 
                         The Zombie Osbournes.
 
               
               [A curtain draws back and Coilette walks out of the Robot Medical 
               Tent.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         I'm ready for my test now boys.

               
               [The robots' jaws drop - off.]

               
               [Madison Cube Garden Field. The winner's podiums have been set 
               up and Coilette stands wearing five gold medals. She looks like 
               your run of the mill ordinary trannybot. Brown hair, slim figure, 
               alarming amount of lipstick. She sings the Robonian national 
               anthem.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         (singing) Hail, hail Robonia, a land 
                         I didn't make up!
 
               
               [The crowd cheers and bouquets of flowers are thrown.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch Coilette cheering on 
               the podium. She does a victory dance and takes her top off.]
 
               
               
                                     COILETTE [ON TV]
                         Ooo yeah c'mon baby boom!

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Oh yeah baby c'mon! Work your can! That's 
                         it shake it out!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know which I'm more, enraged 
                         or disgusted!
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         I'm just out there making us ladies 
                         look good.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Snuh-uh! You're making us look like 
                         jerks in front of the other genders.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But you're not really a lady anyway. 
                         Right?
 
               
               [He puts a glass of water on the table.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Of course not.

               
               [She puts Fry's glass on a coaster.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Dear Lord, a coaster! The Femzoil must 
                         be sacheting girlishly into your processor.
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Then change me back. My breasts are 
                         keeping me awake at night anyway.  Hello...? 
                         What...? A guest spot on Late Night 
                         With Humorbot 5.0...? I'd love to!  
                         My own limo...? No I don't have my own 
                         limo. You'd better send one.  I need 
                         a raincheck on that nad-swap Professor. 
                         I'm going on TV. C'mon Fry help me pick 
                         out a pantsuit!
 
               
               [Late Night With Humorbot 5.0 Studio. The studio looks like the 
               studio for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. The audience are all 
               robots. Humorbot 5.0 speaks with his usual mechanical voice and 
               interviews a popular soap star.]
 
               
                                     HUMORBOT 5.0
                         So Calculon, do you want to set up this 
                         clip from All My Circuits?
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         No I think it's self-explanatory.

               
               [A screen comes up behind them and they turn to face it. On the 
               screen a pirate barbecues some stuff and Calculon gives a dramatic 
               performance.]
 
               
               
               [In the studio the audience applaud and stop instantly.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Funny story, the script called for me 
                         to say "yes" but I gave it a little 
                         twist.
 
               
                                     HUMOUBOT 5.0
                         Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not 
                         found. Please put your hands together 
                         for my next guest. Winner of five Olympic 
                         medals - Coilette from Robonia.  So 
                         Coilette, many young Fembot's wish to 
                         emulate you. Any advice for them?
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Yes Humorbot. If you ask me, women today 
                         are too stuck up to go out and jiggle 
                         their jello like everybody wants them 
                         to. In fact, should I do it now?  Alright 
                         then!  Woo! Look out baby! Work it out! 
                         Oo shake that thing! You gotta use it 
                         lady! Shake it up a little! Look at 
                         that! C'mon! Work it out!
 
               
               [The audience cheers and Calculon is impressed.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Oh I bet you say that to all the five 
                         Olympic gold medal winning Fembots!
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (sexfully) From this day forward I shall 
                         do so whenever possible.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Golly...what?

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Coilette this may be presumtuous....
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         That's my favourite kind of this!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         ...but I would be honoured if you would 
                         join me for dinner sometime.
 
               
               [The audience hoot.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Calculon. You'd be fulfilling this naive 
                         Robonian farmgirl's fantasy!
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Of course I would.

               
               [Planet Express: Locker Area. Coilette stands in front of a locker 
               admiring herself in a mirror. She is dressed in pink Fembot clothes. 
               The crew are gathered around.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         This top makes me look fat. Is it trampy 
                         to go on a first date nude?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yes.

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Perfect.

               
               [She takes the top off.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You gotta tell me. You're not actually 
                         attracted to Calculon right? And if 
                         you are don't tell me. Are you?
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Certainly not. But just once I'd like 
                         to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't 
                         bound and gagged. Is that so much to 
                         ask?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well I think you dating a Manbot is 
                         a disgrace. And I refuse to be involved. 
                         And you have way too much lipstick on.
 
                         
               
               [Amy nods.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Are you kidding? I need more lipstick! 
                         Much more!  Ooo yeah that's the stuff! 
                         Men love it when you really glob it 
                         on!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No they don't.

               
                                     AMY
                         No way!

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Oh please. Every man wants a tramp! 
                         No wonder you girls aren't married! 
                          I tell you, men are so much better 
                         at being women.
 
               
               [She puts some earrings on using a nailgun.]

               
                                     FRY
                         But what if he wants to, I mean if he 
                         tries to...uh...Barry White?
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         I'll just tell him I needed commitment 
                         first. That'll stick a potato in his 
                         tailpipe!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Good Lord man what kind of temporary 
                         woman are you?
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Look, why don't all of you just back 
                         off? Can't a girl enjoy herself without 
                         being judged?
 
               
               [She takes her handbag, slams the locker door and storms off.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh dear. Her mood swings are getting 
                         wilder. She's becoming a slave to her 
                         emotions. Just like all women, particularly 
                         you Leela.
 
               
               [She slaps him.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm worried about him too Professor.
 
                         
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Tonight's special is leg of salmon. Coilette 
               chomps her way through a leg.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Hey ma'am, you sure can put it away! 
                         You saved me a trip to the dump! Bam!
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         I'd appreciate it if you didn't bam 
                         the young lady.
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Well, I'd appreciate it if I did, so 
                         I guess we're even.
 
               
               [He leaves.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         You know Coilette, I've never before 
                         met a woman as fascinating as I am. 
                         You're such a sweet, soft Fembot. And 
                         you have this free spirit about you. 
                          And there it is. It's as if you understand 
                         the male mind better than I!  I've never 
                         met anyone like you.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Oh yes you have.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Coilette. I'd like to spend some (whispering) 
                         quality time with you.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         What? Ahh! Whoa, no way! Not gonna happen. 
                         What kind of girl do you think I am?
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Have I mentioned that I own the world's 
                         biggest and most elegant yacht?
 
               
               [Coilette's eyes light up.]

               
               [Montage Coilette and Calculon date to Tom Jones' She's A Lady. 
               They enjoy a trip on his yacht Calculon's Pride which sails on 
               a pool on an even larger yacht called Calculon's Talent. They 
               dance under a mirrorball. Calculon swings Coilette around and 
               her arms extend and she knocks all the other robots over. They 
               sit in an oil hot tub and their photo appears on the cover Famous 
               Actor And Athlete Couples Illustrated magazine.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The crew feed scraps to a begging Zoidberg. 
               Enter Coilette.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Woo! I'm a trophy girlfriend!

               
                                     AMY
                         No kidding. These gifts have been coming 
                         non-stop!  I think Calculon's falling 
                         for you.
 
               
               [The puppies bark and Coilette throws her hat down and puts her 
               coat over the top of them.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Bah. Any day now he'll dump me for a 
                         new wad of arm candy. And then I can 
                         turn back into a guy and hock all this 
                         stuff! It's just a game.
 
               
               [Amy and Leela glare at him. Enter Calculon via the wall.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Coilette, I can't stop thinking about 
                         you. I can't sleep at night - although 
                         as a robot I don't do that anyway. But 
                         if I did I couldn't because I love you 
                         so.  Oh my darling......Will you marry 
                         me?
 
               
               [Coilette looks up at the gobsmacked crew.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Oh Calculon, yes I will!

               
               [Calculon puts the ring on her finger. Amy nudges Leela.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (whispering) Maybe she's right about 
                         the lipstick.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Calculon is gone and Coilette is preparing to leave.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll miss you buddy. You've been like 
                         a brother and then a sister to me. And 
                         now you're getting married. I love you.
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         The marriage is a scam.

               
                                     FRY
                         Cool. What's for dinner?

               
                                     LEELA
                         What do you mean a scam?

               
                                     COILETTE
                         I marry Calculon, divorce him, take 
                         half his money and turn back into a 
                         guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid 
                         scheme.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's marriage alright!

               
                                     LEELA
                         That is so unbelievably manipulative.
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Come on, you never went on a date with 
                         a guy just 'cause you were hungry?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well I...uh...I thought I might like 
                         him on a full stomach.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Nice try sister. Now if you'll excuse 
                         me, I need to meet with my wedding planner. 
                         (shouting) Zoidberg.  (talking) Zoidypoo, 
                         please tell me frilly is in this year.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg flips through a catalogue.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I saw a frilly cake in here you would 
                         remember all your life. I know I will. 
                         Late at night it haunts me with it's 
                         frosted beauty. (shouting) Order the 
                         cake dammit!
 
               
               [Hot Air Balloon. Calculon and Coilette enjoy a day together.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         I have something for you.

               
               [He hands her a remote control.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         A remote control? You got me a TV?
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         No my dearest, it's the remote control 
                         to my heart! It symbolises the power 
                         you have to sway my emotions.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Will it work on my TV?

               
                                     CALCULON
                         We don't need TVs, we have each other! 
                         Coilette if I weren't able to spend 
                         my life with you I would leap from this 
                         very balloon.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Come on now - really?

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Yes! We were meant (dramatically) to 
                         be!
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         So...you really and truly love me?
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         So much so that I'm prepared to give 
                         up showbusiness itself to be with you!
 
                         
               
               [Coilette gasps.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         But, you always said you'd rather burn 
                         down a convent than give up showbusiness.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         I always said many things. But now all 
                         I want is a peaceful life and a quiet 
                         villa overlooking a vineyard....with 
                         you.
 
               
               [Coilette starts to cry.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         (crying) Would we have donkeys?

               
                                     CALCULON
                         All you can eat!

               
               [She hugs him.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         (crying) Oh take me in your arms and 
                         compress me. Compress me tight!
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Stop! Let us climb to the heavens that 
                         the gods themselves might embrace!
 
                         
               
               [He picks up Boxy and throws him out of the balloon. The balloon 
               climbs into the sky.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Coilette sits at the table crying. The 
               crew are sat around.]
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         (crying) I just don't think I can go 
                         through with this scam.
 
               
               [The crew gasp.]

               
                                     AMY
                         What?

               
                                     FRY
                         So now you do wanna marry him?

               
                                     COILETTE
                         (crying) No, I just don't wanna hurt 
                         him, or humiliate him. Oh, curse this 
                         woman's heart!
 
               
               [She cries more.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Eck!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You're falling into the final debilitating 
                         stages of womanhood. You've waited too 
                         long to switch back you dingbat!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK look. If I help you with this do 
                         you promise to get out of my gender 
                         and stay out?
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         (crying) Uh-huh.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright. Now there's no way to stop 
                         this marriage without hurting Calculon. 
                         But he's an actor. If there's one kind 
                         of pain he can handle, it's soap opera 
                         pain.
 
               
               [Outside Church. Above the church doors is a banner reading "Celebrity 
               Wedding. Ordinary People Not Invited." Farnsworth walks Coilette 
               up the aisle and a little robot carries her train. At the back 
               of the crowd are Fry, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Leela. Fry is 
               dressed in a hat and sleeveless jacket, Zoidberg is kitted out 
               in medical scrubs and Leela wears a blonde wig and a dress. She 
               puts a sunglass over her eye.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) OK, is everyone ready?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yep.

               
                                     AMY
                         Uh-huh.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Check!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Impassively.

               
               [They split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front 
               the ceremony begins.]
 
               
                                     PREACHERBOT
                         Dearly beloved actors and casting people 
                         who may be looking for somebody to play 
                         a preacher, I welcome you! The bride 
                         has written some vows that we will now 
                         all pretend to be interested in.
 
               
               [Coilette and Calculon turn to each other.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Dearest Calculon. Forever is not enough 
                         time to tell you of the many ways I 
                         love you.
 
               
               [She faints theatrically. The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     HEDONISMBOT
                         Oh my!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Is there a doctor in the -

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I came as soon as I could.  It appears 
                         to be a case of African Hydraulic Fever!
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Dear God! The very illness my TV character 
                         caught in season two, when I was holding 
                         out for more money! It's often fatal.
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Whatever happens, remember, the flame 
                         of my eternal love will burn forever.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Of course. But smoochiepups, I thought 
                         one could only catch hydraulic fever 
                         deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.
 
                         
               
               [Leela calls out from the crowd.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Coilette! You she-devil!  You really 
                         thought you could steal those diamonds 
                         from me and Congo Jack?
 
               
               [Coilette stands up.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Those gems belong to the natives!

               
               [Leela kicks Coilette in the face and Amy restrains her.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Oh how cruel and melodramatic fate is. 
                         (dramatically shouting) Whhhy?
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         Calculon, my darling, your loud "why" 
                         brought me partway back to life.  Congo 
                         Jack!
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Another shocking twist!

               
               [Hermes plays some shocking twist music.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yes. And I have a message for you from 
                         Colonel Mitumba! He says this......is 
                         from Congo Jack.
 
               
               [He throws the spear. It hits a flower pot.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Uh, um...

               
               [She takes it out of the flower pot and tucks it under her arm, 
               screams, and falls over.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         No! Nooo! (dramamtically shouting) N-O-O-O!
 
                         
               
                                     COILETTE
                         I won't leave you. Not until I'm sure 
                         you understand the thing I said before. 
                         About my eternal love for you burning......et 
                         cetera.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (crying) I do. I do.

               
                                     COILETTE
                         OK then.

               
               [She dies in a very dramatic and soapy way. At the back Zoidberg 
               eats what is left of the buffet.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG [EATING]
                         I'm a doctor, she's dead.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         She lives no more. But let us all find 
                         comfort knowing that she truly loved 
                         me. To honour my pain, I shall star 
                         in a film dedicated to her memory. And 
                         this time the Academy will not deny 
                         me. Not when they see Coilette: A Calculon 
                         Story.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew watch Calculon's 
               film on TV. The Coilette character is lying dead with Calculon 
               at her side. In the background Preacherbot waves.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Coilette. Your death fills me wih sorrow, 
                         (angry) anger, (fearful) fear, (normal) 
                         every emotion an actor can display.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth files away the last bit of hair from Coilette's head.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake 
                         now and Bender will be trapped forever 
                         between the already ill-defined robot 
                         sexes.
 
               
               [He chisels something between Coilette's legs.]

               
                                     COILETTE
                         Ow, oo, ow.

               
                                     FRY
                         Well Bender, I hope this has taught 
                         you a lesson about changing your sex 
                         to win five gold medals.
 
               
                                     COILETTE
                         It truly has. My romance with Calculon 
                         has shown me a lot about myself.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Almost done.

               
                                     COILETTE
                         If only somehow, someway he and I could...
 
                         
               
               [Bender's antenna springs up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         ...drive to Vegas, pick up some Flooziebots 
                         and void their warranties all night 
                         long!
 
               
               [He sits up and cheers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yay my buddy's home! And his respect 
                         for women is back to normal.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I kind of hope this whole experience 
                         would have left you a little more open 
                         to your sensitive side.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah you'd think but what you gonna 
                         do?
 
               
               [He takes a puff from a cigar. On the TV it is raining and Calculon 
               holds Coilette in his arms..]
 
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Coilette, the skies themselves weep 
                         upon the sweetest flower of all the 
                         field.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww!

               
                                     AMY
                         Aww!

               
                                     FRY
                         Eww!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Gross.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Sentimental drivel-poop.

               
               [Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Hermes leave.]

               
                                     FRY
                         C'mon Bender let's go. This chick flick 
                         is getting me all barfy.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be 
                         hated.
 
               
               [Fry leaves and he starts out after him. He stops and looks at 
               the TV.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Goodnight Coilette, my turtledove.
 
                         
               
               [Bender's eyes well up with tears.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Goodnight Calculon.

               
               [Amy and Leela turn around.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What did you say?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I said you two don't dress trampy enough. 
                          I still got it!
 
               
               [He twangs his antenna.]

               
               THE END

               
               

Bend Her



Writers :   Mike Rowe
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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