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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 217 

                                    "BENDER GETS MADE"

                                           By

                                      Eric Horstead

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Simulcast On Crazy People's Fillings.]
 
               
               
               [Outside Mmm TV Studio. There is a large sign on the door with 
               a picture of Neptunian chef Elzar and "Elzar Live! Now Taping." 
               Smartly dressed people walk through the VIP Entrance and Fry, 
               Bender and Leela walk through the P Entrance, which is just a 
               normal door right next to the VIP Entrance.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Mmm TV Studio. At the back of the room people sit in 
               bleachers. Fry, Bender and Leela take a seat at a table near 
               the front.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite 
                         chef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest 
                         nanosecond of my life. No, this one 
                         is - no, this one. Wait...that one was 
                         slightly worse. Ah, so far so good on 
                         this one.
 
               
               [The lights dim and Bender squeaks. A drum roll rolls and spotlights 
               fly around the kitchen studio at the front.]
 
               
               
               [The audience applauds and Bender leaps up cheering.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah!  Alright! Yeah baby!

               
               [Elzar takes off the jetpacks and shakes the cheering audiences 
               hands.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Elzar!  Alright!

               
               [Bender block Elzars path.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Elzar, you're my god. Please sign this 
                         sketch I drew of you.
 
               
               [He holds up a crude picture of himself staring lovey-eyed at 
               a Elzar. Elzar takes it stamps it. Bender takes it back and reads 
               it. "I'll Sign This For $50.00. x___"] (crying) Oh Elzar, bless 
               you!
 
               
               [He hugs Elzar who struggles to get out of his grip.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Now, this is why I prefer your non-stick 
                         robots.
 
               
               [The audience laughs and Elzar tickles Bender with an electric 
               whisk. Bender chuckles and lets go of Elzar. Elzar runs to the 
               front of the room.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (disappointed) Oh.  (normal) Alright, 
                         yeah!  (quietly) Alright, yeah!
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Hey, I hope you folks like Cajun food. 
                          'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home 
                         Neptune-style gumbo. Now, step one. 
                         You'll wanna boil some oysters in a 
                         pot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (loudly) Boiled? Interesting.

               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Bender, please try to be 
                         a little quieter.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, you shut up.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Of course, every now and then you'll 
                         wanna knock it up a notch with a blast 
                         from your spice weasel.  Bam!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh yeah, bam it again Elzar. Knock it 
                         up another notch!
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Jeez, who let this guy through the metal 
                         detector?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on you wimp. Work that weasel. 
                         Quit holding out on us.
 
               
               [Elzar sighs.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         If you promise to stop interrupting 
                         alright. Against my will, I'm gonna 
                         knock it up another notch.
 
               
               [Bender takes a camera out of his chest cabient.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I gotta get this notch-up knocking on 
                         film.  Hey Elzar, think fast.
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         What, huh?

               
               [The flash goes off and Elzar blasts the spice weasel straight 
               into Leela's eye.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ow! My eye! I'm blind!

               
               [The crowd gasps and murmurs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bam!

               
               [An ambulance speeds through the streets of New New York and 
               stops outside the Taco Bellevue Hospital.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Taco Bellevue Hospital. Paramedics run in with Leela 
               on a hover-bed. In a cubicle a small doctor examines Hattie.]
 
               
               
                                     HATTIE
                         Tell me doctor, how's my cyst?

               
               [The doctor is a near dead ringer for Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua.]
 
               
               
                                     HATTIE'S DOCTOR
                         Grande.

               
               [Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's 
               bloodshot eye, Zoidberg dressed in scrubs talks to Fry.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I don't like the look of this doctor. 
                         I bet I've lost more patients than he's 
                         even treated.
 
               
                                     DOCTOR
                         OK. What does this look like?

               
               [He holds up a picture of a blob to Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Um...a grey-ish blob?

               
               [And it is.]

               
                                     DOCTOR
                         Right.  And this one?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Um...a grey-ish blob?

               
                                     DOCTOR
                         Not as right that time. It looks like 
                         you might have some mild corneal irritation.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Nice try little boy. You might have 
                         your textbook knowledge and your real 
                         diploma but I have more skill in my 
                         little claw than you have in your whole 
                         carapace.
 
               
               [He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]

               
                                     DOCTOR
                         You seem a bit tense.  Here try these.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Sure, butter me up with candy. But it 
                         won't work sonny!  (dazed) Why always 
                         the fighting?
 
               
               [He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]

               
                                     DOCTOR
                         Your eye just needs some rest. You'll 
                         have to wear this patch for about a 
                         week.
 
               
               [He puts a black eye patch over Leela's eye and she groans.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         A week? What do you think Dr Zoidberg?
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg, still dazed, clacks his claw past his face.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (dazed) Clack.

               
               [Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around. 
               The doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela holds onto 
               Zoidberg's arm...]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (dazed) Thanks for the help Leela.
 
                         
               
               [He sits down. Fry joins Amy and Bender.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) Leela, we're right here.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm not deaf. I just have to wear this 
                         stupid eye patch. Does it look stupid?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No. In fact, it looks so nice I think 
                         I might get one too.
 
               
               [He gestures an emphatic "no" to the others. Enter Elzar.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's Elzar again! Oh my God I'm so excited 
                         I wish I could wet my pants.
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Leela, please, let me make this up to 
                         you. You and your friends are all invited 
                         to my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna 
                         bam you up a dinner you'll never forget.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         (cheering) Alright!

               
                                     FRY
                         (cheering) Yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (cheering) Hooray for blindy!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh God. I'm coming dowwwn!

               
               [Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. A couple fly in on jetpacks and 
               the valets take them and fly away.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The whole crew are out for the 
               evening. Waiters hold plates piled high with food.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Folks tell the neighbours to watch your 
                         mouth 'cause your tastebuds are going 
                         on vacation. I made you each your own 
                         special meal so dig in!
 
               
               [A waiter puts a plate in front of Hermes and he gasps.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've 
                         ever seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef, 
                         jerk pork. Is there any meat this man 
                         can't jerk?
 
               
               [Zoidberg looks at his plate.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The king crab is to die for! Look, a 
                         tiny edible crown!
 
               
               [He eats it.]

               
                                     AMY
                         What's it made of?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG [EATING]
                         Wood!

               
               [Bender eats his food. Whatever it is it's burning. Fry has a 
               burger.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No thanks. That's robot food.

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's so good. Oh just try a little!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No really I don't -  Mmm!

               
                                     AMY
                         You doing alright over there Leela?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh yeah, this salad's fantastic.  So 
                         fresh.
 
               
               [She eats it.]

               
               [Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The couple from earlier have finished 
               their meal and the valets return their jetpacks.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew have finished their meal 
               too. Hermes pushes his empty plate away, sighs and pats his stomach. 
               Farnsworth wipes his mouth and Bender opens his door and burps.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh my. That steamed carrot was a bit 
                         spicy for me.
 
               
               [Elzar walks in behind him with a tray of chocolates.]

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Everybody enjoy their dinner?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Are you kidding me?

               
                                     AMY
                         Uh-huh.

               
                                     BENDER
                         God, yes Elzar.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Well, I enjoyed cooking for you. And 
                         just to make everything completely square, 
                         I want you to have these complimentary 
                         after-dinner chocolates.
 
               
               [The crew takes the chocolates. Underneath is a piece of paper.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         What's this under the chocolates?

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Yeah, you take care of that whenever 
                         you want.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Hey.

               
                                     AMY
                         A bill?

               
                                     LEELA
                         You're charging us? After you blinded 
                         me?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Hey I made you a nice meal. This ain't 
                         a charity.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         $1200?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Holy Zombie Jesus!

               
                                     HERMES
                         We don't have that kind of money. Especially 
                         not Zoidberg.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They took away my credit card.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         OK OK wait. I know how to take care 
                         of this, no problem.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. URL puts some cuffs on Leela. The rest of the crew 
               are cuffed too.]
 
               
                                     URL
                         You deadbeats are under arrest. It's 
                         a stone cold shame.
 
               
               [Fry picks his nose.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         He's making a break for it. Get him!
 
                         
               
               [He and URL draw their lightsabers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         No, I was just picking my nose.

               
                                     SMITTY
                         He's picking his nose. Get him!

               
               [He and URL bash Fry around the head.]

               
               [Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew file out of the restaurant 
               into the police van.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         The old dine-and-dash huh? My daddy 
                         owned a restaurant and it's punks like 
                         you who kept it from going regional. 
                         That's why I became a cop.
 
               
                                     URL
                         Now it's payback time. Aww yeah.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Please don't hit me. I'm brittle.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey wait a second. I've got the perfect 
                         solution.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Listen to the smart robot.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I love cooking and Elzar's ass likes 
                         getting kissed right?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         No question.

               
                                     BENDER
                         So, how 'bout I work part time at the 
                         restaurant to pay off our debt?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         I don't know. I usually hire people 
                         who are a little less unbearable.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, Bender's a model employee.

               
                                     AMY
                         He's so polite.

               
                                     LEELA
                         And hard working.

               
                                     FRY
                         He's made of candy.

               
                                     ELZAR
                         OK, fine, I'll give it a shot.

               
                                     FRY
                         (cheering) Alright!

               
                                     HERMES
                         (cheering) Yes!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hot diggety!

               
               [Smitty and URL take their cuffs off.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         You'd better keep your nose clean.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         That'll be easy. I never wear the damn 
                         thing.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew at the 
               morning meeting.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Ah. Time for my precious 10am meeting. 
                          Where in Legoland is Leela?
 
               
               [Leela walks in with Nibbler on a lead.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm here and I'm getting along just 
                         fine thank you. My walk to work today 
                         just took a little longer than usual. 
                         Nibbler took me through the zoo for 
                         some reason.
 
               
               [Nibbler coughs up some antlers. Leela sits down on Zoidberg 
               and he groans.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Leela, a little help is nothing to be 
                         embarrassed about. Like, maybe I could 
                         do your makeup.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't need help. For you information 
                         I did this all by myself.
 
               
               [She turns around. The other side of her face is messed up with 
               squiggly lines of lipstick and mascara everywhere.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You look beautiful. Incidentally, my 
                         favourite artist is Picasso.
 
               
               [Enter Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, I'm off to work at the restaurant. 
                         One of you will have to fill in for 
                         me while I'm gone.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Better yet, I'll build someone to fill 
                         in for you.  Some kind of gamma powered 
                         mechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps 
                         for arms and a heart as black as coal...
 
                         
               
               [He walks out the door. Bender turns to the rest of the crew.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, if that new give can't handle 
                         thing, gimmie a call.
 
               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine Entrance. Elzar empties the cash from the 
               till into his pockets. Bender walks in covered in grease and 
               wearing an apron.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm done siphoning out the grease trap. 
                         I think I need a mint.  So uh, what 
                         job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier? 
                         Soup guy?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Bam!

               
               [He holds up a plunger and Bender takes it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (muttering) Bam yourself!  (talking) 
                         Hey, who are they?
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                         Let's just say they're very good customers 
                         and I'm not answering anymore questions.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Are they the robot mafia?

               
                                     ELZAR
                         Yes.

               
               [Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The waitress shows the Mafiabots 
               to their table.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         You call this a table? You call this 
                         a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the 
                         head with this table.
 
               
                                     CLAMPS
                         You hear that? The Donbot don't like 
                         it. I oughta clamp you - you wanna be 
                         clamped?
 
               
               [He shows her his clamps and she flinches. The second mobbot, 
               Joey Mousepad, pulls him away.]
 
               
                                     JOEY
                         Whoa whoa, calm down Clamps.  The boss, 
                         he likes a wall up which his back can 
                         be put against. Such as like this there.
 
                         
               
               [He points at a table with a family already sitting at it.]
 
               
               
                                     WAITRESS
                         But that table's already -

               
               [Enter Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, let me bus that for you gentlemen. 
                          No, what I meant to do was...
 
               
               [He slides the plates off the table and they fall to the floor 
               and break.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh!

               
                                     MAN
                         I can't believe this!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Mind your own business and get out!
 
                         
               
               [The family storm out and Bender kicks the plates around some 
               more.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Huh. I like this guy's lack of style.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. The mobbots are sat at their table.]

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         ...So I finally get this guy a pair 
                         of cement shoes which he likes, 'cause 
                         they're lighter than his lead ones.
 
                         
               
               [Bender hands them their change on a tray and starts to leave.]
 
               
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey. You think this computes over here? 
                         Where's all my change? I gave you a 
                         hundred.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No you gave me a fifty.

               
                                     DONBOT
                         Oh no I didn't.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah you did.

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         Hey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.
 
                         
               
               [Clamps and Joey stand up and Bender steps back. Donbot starts 
               to laugh. Clamps and Joey join in.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Get a load of the ball bearings on this 
                         guy, huh. I like you kid. Here's something 
                         for your trouble.  (whispering) It's 
                         money.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow thanks.

               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey, you earned that 50 bucks.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You gave me a twenty.

               
                                     DONBOT
                         I did?  Oh I'm sorry I meant to - hey 
                         wait a minute.  I got a good feeling 
                         about you. Say, you wanna work for me 
                         as a hired goon?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Are you kidding? I've always wanted 
                         to break into gooning!  (shouting) Hey 
                         Elzar, I quit.
 
               
               
               [Alley. Bender is with the mobbots. Donbot holds up a 3.5" disk.]
 
               
               
                                     DONBOT
                         We're gonna try you out with a little 
                         delivery job. It's for a uh, private 
                         lottery that we run.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow, you guys run numbers?!

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         Well, nothing fancy. Just ones and zeros 
                         mostly.
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Just take this disk over to the pool 
                         hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical 
                         Bull" Gravano. And watch out for the 
                         cops.
 
               
               [Bender takes the disk.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         That's just what my mom used to tell 
                         me.
 
               
               [Cut to: Little Bitaly Street. Bender walks out of the alley 
               and into a street fair. Robots play hoopla and they all win and 
               cheer. A heliumbot blows up a balloon, twists it into a human 
               shape and gives to a kidbot. Bender stops by an OI"L"-AD"E" stall 
               run by Tinny Tim with certain letters turned backwards. He downs 
               a glass.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's some fine oil-ade son. We could 
                         use a man like you in the Robot Mafia 
                         which I'm sorta in.
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         You flatter me kind goon. But I'm only 
                         programmed to sell oil-ade and write 
                         in cute backwards letters like on the 
                         sign here.
 
               
               [Bender is about to take about to take another sip when he sees 
               something across the street.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw crap, the cops.

               
               [Across the street, Smitty and URL are dressed in civilian clothes 
               but still wearing their police helmets. They read a "Non-Police 
               News" newspaper.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Seen any suspicious activity?

               
                                     URL
                         Nope. But check out today's Marmaduke. 
                         Solid!
 
               
               [Smitty looks across the road.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         Hey. It's that skell from Elzar's.
 
                         
               
               [URL speaks into his wrist communicator.

               
                                     URL
                         Undercover pursuit in progress...baby.
 
                         
               
               [They cover their faces with their newspapers and follow Bender 
               who cheerfully whistles. Smitty drops his paper and grabs Bender's 
               arms.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Gotcha!

               
                                     BENDER
                         What seems to be the problem officers? 
                         Was I speeding?
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         We'll decide what you were doing after 
                         an illegal search.
 
               
               [URL snaps on some gloves and feels inside Bender's chest cabinet. 
               Bender giggles.]
 
               
                                     URL
                         He's clean.  Smells nice too.

               
                                     SMITTY
                         Better than me?

               
                                     URL
                         Aww yeah.

               
               [They leave and Bender looks across the street. Tinny Tim stands 
               on the steps of Pat's Pool Hall; Rich Beginners Welcome. The 
               door opens. Tinny Tim holds out the disk to a robot.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Courtesy of Mr Bender.

               
               [The robot takes it and closes the door. Tinny Tim winks and 
               waves some money at Bender. Bender thumbs ups. The mobbots come 
               around the corner.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Nice job Bender, you passed the test. 
                         You wanna joi me, Clamps and Joey Mousepad 
                         at out uh, social club tomorrow night?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, I'd rather plan some fellonies.
 
                         
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Oh. Then we should meet at our Mafia 
                         crime headquarters.
 
               
               [Fronty's Meat Market. On the front of the building a sign states 
               that it is "Not A Front Since 2997." Inside Bender looks around 
               and opens a freezer room door.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Freezer Room. Donbot sits on several block of ice with 
               Clamps and Joey to either side. Meat carcasses hang on hooks 
               around them and a trembling robot stand in front of them.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Donbot, I beg you, I can't make this 
                         week's loan payment. Look into your 
                         hard drive and open your mercy file.
 
                         
               
                                     DONBOT
                         File not found.  Let that be a warning 
                         to you.
 
               
               [The robot gets up and puts on his hat.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         Thank you Donbot.

               
               [He leaves and Bender walks in.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Joey, Clamps, Donny B!

               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey listen Bender. We got a big score 
                         planned but uh, we need some muscle.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         A little of this huh?

               
               [Joey punches his door.]

               
                                     JOEY
                         Ho ho, this guy's an ox! He's got oxon-like 
                         strength! Hey, he needs a nickname right? 
                         Let's call him Clamps.
 
               
                                     CLAMPS
                         Clamps? That's my name you numbskull! 
                         Don't make me clamp you one!
 
               
               [He clacks his clamps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         How 'bout "Blotto"? It's witty, it's 
                         got street cred. Plus I can keep my 
                         monogrammed slippers.
 
               
                                     JOEY
                         Good thinking! Hey hey! Now, this score 
                         ain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea 
                         park alright, there may be some death 
                         killing.
 
               
                                     CLAMPS
                         It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that, 
                         bada-climp, bada-clamp.
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         What d'you think Blotto? You in?

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's funny. Until now I always wanted 
                         to be a gangster...so the answer's yes.
 
                         
               
                                     CLAMPS
                         Yeah!

               
                                     JOEY
                         Hey hey! Way to go way to be way to 
                         shoot!
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Now since we're committing crimes that 
                         may be against the law, I suggest you 
                         have an alibi.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         An alibi huh?

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. The ship is on it's launching mechanism 
               preparing to be raised into the launch position.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Outside Bender's and his quarters, 
               Fry holds a tray with two sundaes on it. Bender groans from inside.]
 
               
               
               
                                     FRY
                         But we're about to take off. We gotta 
                         eat our blastoff sundaes.
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender isn't inside. Instead 
               he has hooked up a tape-reel machine to play over and over.]
 
               
               
               
                                     FRY [FROM OUTSIDE]
                         OK you stay in bed. I'll eat yours.
 
                         
               
               [The tape rewinds.]

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela, still wearing her eyepatch, feels 
               for a button. Enter Fry.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender's sick.  Need any help taking 
                         off?
 
               
               [Nibbler sniffs at the sundae.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm fine thank you. A real pilot can 
                         navigate by feel alone.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and 
               the ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn 
               around at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble 
               on the hangar floor.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's coming outta your pay!

               
               [Zoidberg bursts into tears.]

               
               [Mafiabot Ship. Joey Mousepad drives. Bender walks in with a 
               pot of food and puts it on a table which Donbot and Clamps are 
               sat at.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You know the secret of traditional robot 
                         cooking? Start with a good high-quality 
                         oil...then eat it. So whats this big 
                         score anyway?
 
               
               [He ladels some oil into Donbot's dish.]

               
                                     DONBOT
                         We're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Zubans? Those are the finest cigars 
                         in the universe. I can stink up a hole 
                         maternity ward with one of those things.
 
                         
               
                                     JOEY
                         Yo there's our pigeon now. Let's shoot 
                         bullets out of our guns.
 
               
               [Bender drinks a ladelful of oil and looks out through the windscreen 
               and squeals. The Planet Express ship flies ahead of the Mafia 
               ship. He spits out the oil for a very very very long time.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. The mobbots have their guns ready. Bender looks 
               out the window biting his nails with fear.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Alright, here's the battleplan: We shoot, 
                         they surrender, we go aboard, somebody 
                         does some clamping then we heist the 
                         cigars and go home.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And all without killing anyone.  This 
                         gang's got some fresh new ideas. I admire 
                         that.
 
               
                                     JOEY
                         Oh, we'll kill 'em alright.

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         We got 'em heavily out-clamped. They 
                         won't know what clamped 'em!
 
               
               [Bender gulps.]

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Nibbler gobbles some food from his dish 
               and Fry leans back on his seat looking through the window.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow, it's too bad you can't see Leela 
                         'cause theres a cool ship out there 
                         shooting at somebody.
 
               
               [The orange laser bolts hit the ship and it shakes and knocks 
               Fry and Leela off their chairs.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm taking evasive action.

               
               [She his sitting on the other side of the cockpit holding Nibbler's 
               bowl instead of the wheel.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, Leela?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Stop bothering me Fry, I need full concentration.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. Clamps and Joey Mousepad stand 
               on the portside of the ship firing lasers from their tommyguns. 
               The Planet Express ship turns wildly away.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Fry returns fire and misses. The 
               front of the Mafiabot ship opens and missile comes flying out 
               of it. Fry squeals and pulls a string.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry has rigged up the strings to turn 
               the wheel. He turns the ship starboard and missile flies away 
               from the ship and explodes.]
 
               
                                     COMPUTER VOICE
                         Missile evaded.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Eyesight is for chumps.

               
               [Cut to: Mafiabot Ship. Donbot drives and Bender stands next 
               to him tense.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Their desire to keep living shows me 
                         no respect. Hey Blotto, roll down the 
                         window and start shooting.
 
               
               [He hands him a tommygun.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Um, uh, um.  (fake hurt) Ooh ow! He 
                         got me! Ow, what a shot that guy is.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela stops turning her new wheel.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait. Why do the raised letters that 
                         normally say "Turnmaster Steering company" 
                         say "Nibbler"? Oh no!
 
               
               [She throws the dish down and makes her way over to the pilot's 
               seat.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Leela takes control of the ship 
               and it jerks sideways. She crackles onto a screen.]
 
               
                                     LEELA [ON SCREEN]
                         I'm back at the wheel Fry. Everything's 
                         under control.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Great, great. The one time I forgot 
                         to buy flight insurance.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. The Planet Express ship turns 
               around and heads for the mobbot's ship. Joey screams.]
 
               
                                     JOEY
                         They're coming straight towards our 
                         proximity. Maybe you should give 'em 
                         the clamps Clamps.
 
               
                                     CLAMPS
                         Gee you think? You think that maybe 
                         I should use these clamps that I use 
                         every day at every opportunity? (shouting) 
                         You're a freaking genius you idiot!
 
                         
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies by and Clamps grabs it's tail 
               fin. On the fin is a sign that clearly says "Fuel Line. Do Not 
               Clamp." Clamps ignores it and clamps the fuel line. The ship's 
               engines shut down.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry slides down the turret access ladder 
               and runs into the cockpit.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The engine's stalled. I'm trying the 
                         manual fuel pump.
 
               
               [She pumps Nibbler's eyestalk up and down. The doors opens and 
               Fry screams. The three Mafiabots are standing in the doorway.]
 
               
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire 
                         Robot Mafia. We're here to steal your 
                         cigars.
 
               
               [Leela gets up and points at something that isn't a Mafiabot.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         You'll never get away with this.

               
                                     FRY
                         Unless you let us live. Then you'll 
                         get off scot free.
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Joey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them 
                         before they see us some more.
 
               
               [Clamps blindfolds Fry and Joey points at Leela.]

               
                                     JOEY
                         Hey boss, looks like somebody beat us 
                         to it.
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'll assume that's a joke at my expense. 
                         Well, who's laughing now? Heyya!
 
               
               [She kicks Fry in the face and he groans and falls over. Joey 
               holds her.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey where's Blotto? He should be here 
                         learning the trade.
 
               
               [Bender peers in through the doorway.]

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Bender opens his chest cabinet and 
               turns a voice modulator knob from "Robot" to "King," making him 
               sound like a posh snob.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender wanders in.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Sorry I'm tardy old bean, I was just 
                         enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich.
 
                         
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey. He's more classy than I realised. 
                         Tie up the prisoners.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Capital idea old sport.  I say, get 
                         the hell off me!
 
               
               [Leela leans over to Fry.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) That guy sounds familiar.
 
                         
               
               [Bender puts a bucket over Nibbler and brick on top. He stands 
               up and his antenna hooks onto Leela's patch and pulls it off.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         My word, what have we -  Uh, nothing 
                         to see here old girl.
 
               
                                     JOEY
                         Hey boss, this here crew list lists 
                         a robot on this crew here.
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Alright. I want you to find him and 
                         plug him. Then unplug him.
 
               
               [Fry and Leela gasp.]

               
                                     FRY
                         No!

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         I got a little surprise in store for 
                         that guy. The clamps! Eh?
 
               
               [He laughs and turns to leave.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh wait, old...spice. Let me have a 
                         go at this mechanised chap. I can be 
                         quite the rough customer.
 
               
               [He walks out.]

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Corridor. He disappears into his and Fry's quarters.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Oh no, poor Bender.

               
               
               [The sound out metal smashing metal comes from the quarters. 
               The real Bender laughs.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender sits reading Somewhat 
               Fantastic Sci-Fi. He hits himself on the head with a frying pan.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (fake voice) ...Take that you twit. 
                         (normal voice) No! Stop it!
 
               
               [The tape starts to rewind and Bender hits the machine with the 
               frying pan, breaking it.]
 
               
               [Ship's Cargo Bay. The Mafiabots have installed a linkway from 
               the Planet Express cargo bay to theirs. Bender carries the last 
               crate towards the linkway.]
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         That's the last of 'em.  Alright now 
                         let's Mafia things up a little.  Joey, 
                         burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down 
                         the crew.
 
               
               [Bender runs back in and talks like he's from New York.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, hey Donny, baby, gimmie a chance 
                         here huh? Yous guys skidaddle. Let me 
                         take care of the doity woik.
 
               
                                     DONBOT
                         Hey, I like your attitude. And your 
                         latest accent. Keep it up and I might 
                         just get you your own pair of clamps 
                         huh?
 
               
               [He pats Bender's cheek and leaves.]

               
                                     CLAMPS
                         (muttering) He's gonna get clamps? Clamps 
                         clamps......clamps clamps!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Phew.

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The Mafiabot ship flies away. Nibbler 
               squeaks from under the bucket. Fry and Leela are still tied up.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, we may not have much time left......so 
                         let's spend all of it reminscing about 
                         Bender. He was like a big computer than 
                         ran on magic.
 
               
               [Bender sits down, ties his arms up behind the chair and clears 
               his throat.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, help! Help!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender!

               
                                     FRY
                         You're OK!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes I am. Having just this minute regained 
                         consciousness.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I've got an idea. Hold still.  It's 
                         about to break, yes, yes!
 
               
               [Bender's arm drops off.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (cheering) Alright!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah it broke alright

               
               [Outside Planet Express. Leela has crashed the ship into the 
               tower, making the building look more like Planet Hollywood than 
               Planet Express.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are all assembled.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm telling you, Leela was cool, she 
                         was in command, and when she kicked 
                         people it hurt. It really hurt.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, this is the big moment. It's finally 
                         time to take my patch off.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'll handle the snipping. Afterall I 
                         do have the proper equipment.
 
               
               [He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch 
               off. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I think it's Blotto. That gangster I 
                         saw when my patch fell off.  Professor? 
                         Where were you at 10pm last night?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Where am I now?

               
               [The doorbell rings and Bender goes to answer it.]

               
               [Outside Planet Express. He opens the door and gasps when he 
               sees Tinny Tim.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So they sent a helpless child to kill 
                         me? Well I'm not going out without a 
                         fight.
 
               
               [He kicks Tinny Tim's crutch away and he hops around without 
               it.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Fine kick sir. But I'm actually here 
                         to deliver your cut from the cigar heist.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh sweet legal tender!  Kid, tell the 
                         Donbot I'm quitting organised crime. 
                         From now on I'll stick to regular kind.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The ship is back in the hangar. 
               Bender sits down with a cigar in his mouth. He takes the cash 
               out of his chest cabinet. Fry sighs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's funny Bender. With you sick and 
                         Leela blind only I know what really 
                         went on out there. Maybe someday I'll 
                         tell you the whole story.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And maybe someday I won't listen.

               
               [He starts to eat his cash again.]

               
               THE END

               
               

Bender Gets Made



Writers :   Eric Horstead
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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