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ALL SCRIPTS




                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 515

                           "BENDER SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON TV"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. A remix is performed by the cast in their character 
               voices. Caption: Controlling You Through A Chip In Your Butt 
               Since 1999.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. All My Circuits is on the TV.]

               
               
               [Calculon sits at his desk in his office with his face buried 
               in his hands. His son Antonio sits on the other side. Weepy soap 
               opera music plays.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Why Antonio?

               
               
               [Very dramatic music plays. The previously montage fades to a 
               bedroom where Monique has yet another passionate affair with 
               Boxy. Enter Calculon. Monique pulls the sheets over her.]
 
               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         Calculon?! But I thought you were -
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Egyptian?!

               
               [More dramatic music. The scene changes to Monique and Antonio 
               on a yacht. Monique is pointing a laser at Antonio.]
 
               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         Before I kill you, I must ask you one 
                         question. Who am I? For I have...amnesia!
 
                         
               
               [Even more dramatic music. The scene changes to a room. Monique, 
               Antonio and Human Friend sit on a couch and two other robots 
               stand behind. Calculon stands in front looking at them all.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Let me get this straight. Does anyone 
                         here not have amnesia?
 
               
               [The rest murmur in confusion.]

               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         Not sure.

               
                                     HUMAN FRIEND [ON TV]
                         I 'unno.

               
               [And the same dramatic music. In the Planet Express lounge Cubert 
               and Dwight are sat watching All My Circuits with Fry, Leela and 
               Bender.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         This show is awesome! When I grow up 
                         I'm gonna have so much amnesia!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Me too. I mean, I have it now, but I 
                         forgot.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Well mine's louder!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Cram a ham in it you twerps!  Sorry!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Nah, I had it coming.

               
               [On the TV Calculon's birthday party is in full swing.]

               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Welcome swingers. Pull up a groove and 
                         get fabulous!
 
               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         Nude rocks bands, big piles of what 
                         I assume is talcum powder, it's quite 
                         a birthday party Calculon.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Cool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday 
                         party just like Calculon!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna show up looking 
                         good. Just like Monique.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Do you two have to imitate everything 
                         you see on TV?
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Um, we're 12, so, yes.

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hold up Cubert, you're a clone of the 
                         Professor. Do clones even have birthdays?
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Well duh!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         "Duh" what?

               
               [Cubert looks puzzled.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Hermes, wearing 
               goggles and gloves, poke something in a crate with rakes. Enter 
               Cubert and Dwight. Hermes puts the lid on the crate.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Dad? Do I have a birthday?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm, you didn't have a birth so technically, 
                         no.  Oh, don't feel bad. We can celebrate 
                         the day I extracted you from the cloning 
                         tank. Or the day I scraped that DNA 
                         from that growth on my back.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Ooo, that one!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah yes. It was 13 years ago next week. 
                          I used this very fork.
 
               
               [Hermes takes it.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Aww well isn't that - ew!

               
               [He drops it when he realises what he is saying.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hey, next week'll be my birthday too.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's true. If only there were a way 
                         to have one party for both of you here 
                         at the office then write it off as a 
                         business expense. Wait! I thought of 
                         a way! The way I just said!
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Yeah!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Way to go pops!

               
               [They hug their dads.]

               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert and Dwight run back in 
               and leap on the couch. On the TV Calculon and Monique are bathing 
               in some pink stuff.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON [ON TV]
                         Oh Monique, why did we wait so many 
                         years to bathe in champagne?
 
               
               [He scoops some up in a glass and drinks it. Antonio comes crashing 
               in through the ceiling wearing a parachute. He hits the ground 
               with a thump.]
 
               
                                     ANTONIO [ON TV]
                         Father, I've discovered the shocking 
                         secret mother has kept from you for 
                         200 years.
 
               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         No! No!

               
                                     ANTONIO [ON TV]
                         Brace yourself. For when I speak these 
                         words you may well suffer an attack 
                         of explosive amnesia. For you see, the 
                         horrible secret is -
 
               
               [He stops talking and starts to fizzle. His pupils go crazy and 
               he starts groaning. Monique and Calculon glance at each other 
               in confusion.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoever's directing this is a master 
                         of suspense!
 
               
               [Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. Antonio fizzles on the set 
               while Calculon and Monique are still in the tub. Sal and two 
               other guys walk onto the set. Sal hits Antonio twice with a hammer 
               then leans on him and talks to the other two.]
 
               
                                     SAL
                         He's busteds. Lets get hims outta heres.
 
                         
               
               [They pick him up and carry him away. He continues groaning.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The TV changes to static then 
               a still image of a robot with one of his eyes popped out and 
               the message "Oops! Broken Actor."]
 
               
               
               [The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except 
               sit, hypnotising his audience.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This show's been going downhill since 
                         season three.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. A "Happy Growth-Scraping Day" 
               banner has been strung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and 
               Amy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers. 
               Enter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Look who's here everyone! It's Zoidberg, 
                         the lovable tramp!
 
               
               [Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Since when are you performing at children's 
                         parties?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Performing? What? Please, if someone 
                         could spare me money to buy shoes -
 
                         
               
               [The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         This party pukes.

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Yeah! The guests were supposed to be 
                         here three hours ago.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well that doesn't mean that no one is 
                         coming and that you two are total losers. 
                         Who gave you that idea?
 
               
               [The doorbell rings.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         All right! They must've all come as 
                         a group.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight stand by side 
               door.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Welcome swingers! Pull up a groove and 
                         get fabulous!
 
               
               [He chuckles and opens the door. No one is there. He hears a 
               squeaking and looks down. Tinny Tim hobbles towards the door 
               with a green envelope.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Good day fellows. Someone dumped this 
                         invitation in my begging cup. Happy 
                         growth-scraping day to all!
 
               
               [Cubert and Dwight sigh.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the crew are gathered 
               around with glasses and food. Hermes, LaBarbara and Farnsworth 
               talk.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Fire 'em all.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Mm-hm, mm-hm.

               
               [Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sit around the table, bored. Enter 
               Bender with the TV.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (gasping) Guys, guys something's happening 
                         on television again.
 
               
               [He puts the TV on the table and plugs the plug into his ass 
               socket. The TV flickers on just in time for Entertainment And 
               Earth Invasion Tonite. Morbo and Linda sit in the studio. The 
               studio backdrop features flying saucers hovering over the Hollywood 
               sign.]
 
               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         Welcome to Entertainment And Earth Invasion 
                         Tonite. Across the galaxy my people 
                         are completing the mighty space fleet 
                         that will exterminate the human race! 
                         But first, this news from Tinseltown.
 
                         
               
               [Footage of Antonio's breakdown appears behind Linda.]

               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         Following Antonio Calculon Jr's breakdown 
                         on set, the popular TV show All My Circuits 
                         will hold an open casting call for child 
                         robots to replace him.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         An open casting call for child robots? 
                         Tinny Tim? Are you thinkin' what I'm 
                         thinkin'?
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         What's that sir?

               
                                     BENDER
                         That I, Bender, am perfect for the role!
 
                         
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         You raised my hopes and dashed them 
                         quite expertly sir!  Bravo!
 
               
               [Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender, Leela and Fry 
               sit in a room filled with childbots.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will 
                         only get you so far. There's a lot of 
                         famous child acting units here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look, there's Macaulay Culckon.

               
               [He points at a spotty little robot whos hands are permanently 
               attached to his face and has a permanent shocked expression like 
               Macaulay Culkin's face in the posters for Home Alone and Home 
               Alone 2: Lost In New York.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         He's just not cute since he got puberty 
                         installed.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Psst. There's that robot child actor 
                         who grew up an robbed a convenience 
                         store!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         And there's that robot child actor who 
                         grew up and became a convenience store!
 
                         
               
               [The robberbot puts some cash into the 7^11 vending machine.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBBERBOT
                         Lottery ticket please.

               
               [The 7^11 machine prints out the ticket. A woman walks out of 
               the casting office.]
 
               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         We're ready for the first audition. 
                          (reading) Emoteitron Jr?
 
               
               [The robot gets up and his mother stops him.]

               
                                     MOMBOT
                         Hold on precious, let's make you look 
                         nice for the lady.  What's this?  What 
                         did I tell you?  No more hanging wires!
 
                         
               
               [All My Circuits Casting Office. Emotitron Jr stands in front 
               of the table where the casting director and Calculon are sat.]
 
               
               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         In this scene, you've just found out 
                         your real father is Calculon's fourth 
                         evil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez. 
                         OK...take us there!
 
               
               [The robot looks at his script.]

               
                                     EMOTITRON JR
                         Now that I know the truth father, I 
                         must ride south and join the robo-banditos 
                         at Veracruz.
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Well, I thought he was good but the 
                         audience seems to have turned on him.
 
                         
               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         But I don't think -

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Next!

               
               [Time Lapse. Night has fallen and Macaulay Culkon is auditioning.]
 
               
               
                                     MACAULAY CULKON
                         ...at Veracruz, so, if you'll kindly 
                         hand me my poncho -
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Sorry kid you're flailing out there. 
                          90 actors and they all got boo-ed. 
                         I just wish we could get this Bender 
                         I keep hearing about. They say he's 
                         the greatest.
 
               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         Well there is a robot named Bender here 
                         but he's much too old -
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Send him in forthwith!

               
               [Cut to: Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender is right 
               outside the door.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Boo! Not as good as Bender! 
                         Boo!
 
               
               [The door opens and the casting director is standing there.]
 
               
               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         Mr Bender?

               
               [Bender screams.]

               
               [All My Circuits Casting Office.]

               
                                     CASTING DIRECTOR
                         Have you ever been on TV before?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Once, when I took those hostages.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         I saw that! You were good. Let's hear 
                         you audition.
 
               
               [The casting director hands Bender a script. Bender thumbs through 
               it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Banditos eh? Aw this is great! 'Cause 
                         I happen to have a flawless Spanish 
                         accent!  (bad Spanish accent) I will 
                         say adios Padre! Come Jesus ye faithful. 
                         Tonight we eat...guacamole by the El 
                         Rio!
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         That was so terrible I think you gave 
                         me cancer! I don't care how popular 
                         you are, you will never work on my show!
 
                         
               
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         However, you've got the job. Welcome 
                         aboard son!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fathero!

               
               [He hugs Calculon.]

               
               [All My Circuits Soundstage. Outside a red light is on and a 
               sign indicates Taping In Progress, All Welcome (Writers Keep 
               Out). On a hospital room set Calculon and Bender prepare for 
               a scene.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Bender I'd like you to meet our director......who's 
                         name I never learned.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yo! I read the script and I think it 
                         would help my character's motivation 
                         if he was on fire.
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Uh, don't worry 'bout the script baby, 
                         we re-wrote your part to better suit 
                         your acting abilities.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So now my character has a British accent?
 
                         
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         No, now your character's in a coma. 
                         Get in bed and don't move.  And...action!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (muttering) Stupid dumb coma...coulda 
                         been British.
 
               
               [Calculon moves to his bedside.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Alas that mine only son should sink 
                         into an irreversible, permanent...coma.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (quietly) Permanent? That's completely 
                         out of character for Antonio. I'm gettin' 
                         up.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Curse the tragic wildebeast accident 
                         that -
 
               
               [Bender sits up on the bed.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey everyone! Antonio here but you can 
                         call me "Bender"! I got ants in my butt 
                         and I needs to strut.  C'mon baby!  
                         C'mon!
 
               
               [The director stands watching, gobsmacked while a woman behind 
               him leafs through the script. Calculon stares at Bender.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         I'm not familiar with the type of thing 
                         I'm seeing.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bite my shiny metal ass!  Ooo yeah! 
                         C'mon baby, do that, oo yeah!
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         (shouting) Cut!  That's the worst coma 
                         acting I've ever seen. I'll have to 
                         shoot it again.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         No! No, no, no I don't do two takes.
 
                         
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         But this guy was -

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Amateurs like you do two takes, I do 
                         one take. Print it, I'll be in my three 
                         storey trailer.
 
               
               [He takes a bouquet of flowers from a woman.]

               
               [All My Circuits Editting Room. Calculon and the director watch 
               Bender's antics.]
 
               
                                     BENDER [ON TV]
                         Bite my shiny metal ass!  Ooo yeah! 
                         C'mon baby, c'mon yeah!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now that's hospital dancing.  Pretty 
                         good eh Calcky?
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Good? I've seen better acting from extras 
                         in Godzilla movies.  I don't even remember 
                         shooting this scene.
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         We didn't. That's security camera footage 
                         from your dressing room.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         He stole the scene and my money? That's 
                         it! I demand you fire this felonious 
                         ham!
 
               
               [An alarm beeps and a red light starts to flash.]

               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         The network Execubots are coming!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Dear God!

               
               [Enter three huge clunky robots on tracks.]

               
                                     BETABOT
                         Presenting the president of the network.
 
                         
               
               [A man walks in, places a iBook on a desk and leaves. A modem 
               in the iBook beeps and the network president, the iBook itself, 
               starts to speak.]
 
               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Greetings gentlemen, you already know 
                         my Execubots. Executive Alpha, programmed 
                         to like things that are seen before.
 
                         
               
                                     ALPHABOT
                         Hey hey hey.

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Executive Beta, programmed to roll dice 
                         to determine the fall schedule.
 
               
               [Betabot rolls two dice.]

               
                                     BETABOT
                         More reality shows.

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate 
                         middle America.
 
               
                                     GAMMABOT
                         It's funny but is it going to get them 
                         off their tractors?
 
               
               [The president plays a clip of Bender dancing on his screen.]
 
               
               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Now, who put this obnoxious dancing 
                         robot on my network?
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         We were about to fire him sir.

               
               [The president's screen has changed to a picture of a family 
               in front of a TV screen.]
 
               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Silence hack! We've been monitoring 
                         our Nielsen families carefully and during 
                         the 12 seconds Bender was on screen, 
                         viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Sir, children watch this show. Bender's 
                         no role model, he's a filth monger!
 
                         
               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         At our network, we love filth! Filthy 
                         rich that is! Being filthy rich that 
                         is!  "Bite my shiny metal ass" could 
                         be a catchphrase.
 
               
                                     ALPHABOT
                         80% likely.

               
                                     GAMMABOT
                         It will play in Peoria.

               
               [Betabot rolls his dice.]

               
                                     BETABOT
                         Gameshows are back.

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot 
                         on our network. Bender? Can you continue 
                         to drink, smoke and steal things on 
                         TV?
 
               
               [Bender takes Calculon's wallet.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes I can.

               
               [Musical To Black Flag's TV Party Bender's status as a cult icon 
               rockets. On the side of the All My Circuits soundstage, men paste 
               a huge picture of Bender over the cast picture. An episode of 
               the show is broadcast where Human Friend is getting married, 
               only for his bride to turn out to be Bender in the middle of 
               the ceremony. He lifts his veil, lights a cigar and pulls out 
               a copy of Playbot. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim watch in the 
               Planet Express lounge and cheer. At the 7^11 fine Bender tobacco 
               products include Bender Smokes, Benderillos and Bender's Favorite. 
               A kid points at the Bender's Favorite. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny 
               Tim carry on watching All My Circuits. Bender is creditted as 
               Starring Bender as "Bender." He walks into a restaurant where 
               Calculon and Monique are dining and tips there table over along 
               with the two of them. He drinks back a bottle of beer and randomly 
               fires a laser into the air. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim cheer 
               and tip the table in the lounge over. The cover story on TV Week 
               Monthly is Bender: TV's Rowdiest Robot Opens Up About Drinking, 
               Smoking & His Feud with Jay. Inside his chest cabinet is beer, 
               cigars and Jay Leno's gagged head in a jar. In another episode 
               Bender spits his cigar at Human Friend. It bounces off him and 
               back into Bender's mouth.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim laugh at 
               Bender's antics. Dwight pulls out a pack of cigars perhaps.]
 
               
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Yo, check out what I jacked from my 
                         Dad.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         A cigar!

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Ripping!

               
               [Dwight lights the cigar, takes a puff and impersonates his hero.]
 
               
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Look! I'm Bender!

               
               [He suddenly vomits and faints. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Ras H. Tafari. What's goin' on here?
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth picks up the cigar in his feet and hands it to Hermes.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's not a cigar. Uh...and it's not 
                         mine!
 
               
               [He puts it in his inside pocket.]

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Hey Dad, bite my shiny metal ass!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable 
                         for both of us! Where did you learn 
                         such language?
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         From Bender my good jerkwad.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Bender eh? That guy's really startin' 
                         to twist my dreads.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Hermes are gone, replaced by Fry, 
               Leela, Zoidberg and Bender on the couch. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny 
               Tim sit on the floor all watching TV.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK OK OK, get ready for this part.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Quiet robot, Bender's on TV.

               
               [On the TV Calculon and Monique enter a cabin covered in snow.]
 
               
               
                                     MONIQUE [ON TV]
                         Oh Calculon, it's so good to get away 
                         from the city and that beastly, yet 
                         intriguing, Bender.
 
               
               [She gasps. Bender is guzzling down a kegg of beer on the other 
               side of the room. He cheers and lights his finger like a lighter.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER [ON TV]
                         Try this kids at home!

               
               [A "Don't Try This Kids At Home" caption appears underneath. 
               Bender lights his alcoholic breath and his head catches fire, 
               followed by the rest of his body. The screen pulls back. The 
               All My Circuits episode was just another clip on Entertainment 
               And Earth Invasion Tonite.]
 
               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         Is television sensation Bender a bad 
                         role model for Earth children?
 
               
               [Bender spins a pair of scissors around on both of his hands. 
               Zoidberg leans away from him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's crazy.

               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         A new protest group, Fathers Against 
                         Rude Television, says "Hell yes!"
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Pft. What kind of bozos would start 
                         a Bender protest group?
 
               
               [Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news everyone. Hermes and I have 
                         started a Bender protest group.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That was uncanny.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Fathers Against Rude Television don't 
                         want our kids watching Bender's high 
                         definition filth.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And for what? Some kind of cheap laugh? 
                         That's not what F-A-R-T is all about.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         No sir, not us FARTers.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't censor me 
                         just 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role 
                         model.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree 
                         with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten 
                         just from watching TV.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah. Give a little credit to our public 
                         schools.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight, Cubert and Tinny Tim 
               sit slumped against the attic dome under the moonlight. Cubert 
               sighs.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Our dads are all pumped up on dorkosterum. 
                         We're just trying to be cool like Bender.
 
                         
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Yeah, and it's not even working. Smoking 
                         and drinking make us barf.
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Gentle jerkwads. I know how to emulate 
                         Bender without barfing. We could commit 
                         a burglary.
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hey, yeah!

               
                                     CUBERT
                         Bender loves to burgle!

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Hold up though. Who could we rob? We 
                         don't even know anyone with cool stuff.
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Duh! We know someone who runs on pure 
                         cool fuel. Bender!
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Whoa!

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         We'll rob Bender!

               
               [Cubert laughs.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         TV gave us the idea.

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim 
               sneak towards Fry and Bender's apartment with a sack.]
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         OK. It's crime time.

               
               [He, Dwight and Tinny Tim put on some crude Bender face masks. 
               Cubert opens the apartment door and they sneak in.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Fry plays a console game with 
               one hand while reading a Space Boy comic. He takes a swig of 
               beer. Tinny Tim, wearing his Bender mask, walks past Fry carrying 
               Bender's chair. Fry doesn't look up.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey Bender.  Hey Bender.  Hey Bender. 
                          Hey Bender.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight's new party gets started. 
               They open the door and Tinny Tim, some Cookieville orphans and 
               Brett Blob walk in. Dwight and Cubert choose classical music 
               for the party and play Bust A Move by Young MC.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The room is filled with 
               more kids. Brett plays Bender's banjo then hits one of his gold 
               bricks with it, breaking the banjo. He and some others laugh. 
               Albert smokes one of Bender's Zuban cigars and throws up. Tinny 
               Tim takes a copy of Playbot out of a box marked "Bender's Adult 
               Periodicals." He sees a spread inside and his eye litterally 
               pop out. Enter Hermes and Farnsworth. The music stops.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What's going on in here?  Oh. Now I'm 
                         really outraged.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Where did you requisition this party? 
                         And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm networking. Let me give you my card.
 
                         
               
               [He pulls out a scrap of card with "ZoiDBERg" written on it and 
               offers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them bother taking it.]
 
               
               
                                     CUBERT
                         Relax Dad, we just invited a few friends 
                         over.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm. There's something wrong with your 
                         story but I can't put my finger on it. 
                          Of course! You don't have friends!
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Yeah. Why do these popular kids consider 
                         you cool all of a sudden?
 
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Uh...we're just cool is all!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Balderdash! I'll be the judge of who's 
                         cool, using the cool-o-meter!
 
               
               [He takes a box with a needle on it out of his pocket. He scans 
               over the orphans and the box beeps and the needle moves halfway 
               around the gauge; he scans Zoidberg, who waves, and the beeping 
               stops and the needle flops back down again; he scans more orphans 
               and the needle goes back halfway. Finally he scans Tinny Tim, 
               Dwight and Cubert and the machine beeps rapidly and the needle 
               goes right around to maximum. A huge thumbs up pops out the side 
               of the machine.]
 
               
                                     COOL-O-METER
                         Oh yeah!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good Lord, I'm getting a reading of 
                         over 40 mega-Fonzies!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Everybody out!

               
               [The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So do you guys know about anything else 
                         going on, because I'm totally still 
                         ready to party.
 
               
               [Hermes taps a girl on the shoulder and makes her hand something 
               over. She hands him a lava lamp and runs out.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         There's enough cool stuff here to furnish 
                         a happenin' pad. Where did it all come 
                         from?
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Don't tell comrades. All for one and 
                         one for all!
 
               
               [Dwight and Cubert look at each other and cave.]

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         We stole it!

               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Oh crumb!

               
               [Bender's loot safe opens and Bender himself steps out of it 
               and yawns and stretches.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What? What's going on?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'll tell you what. Our boys have taken 
                         up stealing! One of the worst and coolest 
                         of crimes.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         And all from watching you on TV you 
                         cool jerk.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey lay off me. TV would stink if everyone 
                         on it was a positive role model. Bender 
                         is about entertainment baby! You can't 
                         hold me responsible for what kids do 
                         when - hey! This is my stuff they stole! 
                          That's the last straw! Bender should 
                         not be allowed on television!
 
               
               [Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building hundreds 
               of angry dads are crowded around to hear Bender make a speech. 
               The back of the hangar has been opened so the ship is right behind 
               him. Bender stands at a podium with Farnsworth and Hermes right 
               beside him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender must be stopped. I've gone too 
                         far. Who does that guy think I am?  
                         C'mon! We're gonna march all the way 
                         to Hollywood and make them stop forcing 
                         their filthy me down our throats.
 
                         
               
               [He turns around and heads towards the ship.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender marches up the ship's 
               steps followed by Hermes, Farnsworth and the other members of 
               FART.]
 
               
               [The ship takes off from the hangar, flies up into space and 
               back down the other side of North America to Hollywood.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Television Studios. The FART mob march out of 
               the ship chanting.]
 
               
                                     FART MOB
                         (chanting) Down with Bender! Down with 
                         Bender! Down with Bender! Down with 
                         Bender!
 
               
               [The stop marching when they reach a security barrier. Bender 
               takes care of it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         This mob's with me.

               
                                     SECURITY GUARD
                         Go ahead.

               
               [He raises the barrier and the mob carries on marching.]

               
                                     FART MOB
                         (chanting) Down with Bender! Down with 
                         Bender! Down with Bender! Down with 
                         -  - Bender! Down with Bender!
 
               
               [Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. On a hospital set Calculon 
               is dressed as a doctor. Boxy is wearing a tuxedo and is in bed 
               and a formally-dressed Fembot that looks like Boxy is in another 
               bed.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         As a doctor and captain of this hospital 
                         shift, I now pronounce you man and wife 
                         with six months to live.
 
               
               [His eyes widen in shock. Enter the FART mob.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Listen up Hollywood. We're an exciting 
                         new mob.
 
               
               [The mob agree.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah!

               
                                     HERMES
                         You'd better believe it!

               
               [Calculon looks shocked.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Great Shatner's ghost!

               
                                     BENDER
                         We demand that all TVs be equipped with 
                         a v-chip that blocks Bender from appearing 
                         on the screen.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Booya!

               
               [Enter the network president and his Execubots.]

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         I'm afraid the answer is a gritty in-your-face 
                         no.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Then I quit.

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Then you don't quit.  I think you'll 
                         be finishing the scene now Mr Bender 
                         and don't skimp on the nasty.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There'll be no further nasty.  We still 
                         have the option of resorting to violence.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         What makes you think that'll work?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I saw it on TV in that episode where 
                         Bender shot Calculon! How cool is that?
 
                         
               
               [Bender dances around smoking a cigar.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooo yeah baby c'mon -

               
               [He panics as Farnsworth points his laser at him.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Quit the show!

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Do the scene.

               
               [Bender puts his hands up.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm a cold blooded punk!

               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         I once put a laugh track on a sitcom 
                         that had no jokes in it.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey look, the prop guy has a lamp!
 
                         
               
               [The Execubot turns around with the president in his hands.]
 
               
               
                                     NETWORK PRESIDENT
                         Really?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?

               
               [Bender yoinks the guns from their hands.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aha!

               
               [Farnsworth gasps.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I was using that!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Listen up, 'cause I've got a climactic 
                         speech! You, cameraman, keep the camera 
                         rolling. You, director, gimmie my motivation.
 
                         
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         You're angry.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Perfect.  Viewers of the world, do smoking 
                         and drinking on TV really make me cool? 
                         Of course they do.  How 'bout committing 
                         crimes and violence? Again, the answer 
                         is "yes." But do we really want our 
                         kids exposed to that kind of trash on 
                         TV? I say absolutely not!  Uh...on the 
                         other hand, most - perhaps all the blame 
                         rests with the parents. That's right 
                         you!  And so I ask you this one question: 
                         Have you ever tried simply turning off 
                         the TV, sitting down with your children, 
                         and hitting them?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (ashamed) We're just so busy.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well make time.

               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         And...cut!

               
               [Calculon applauds.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Good enough. Splice in some reaction 
                         shots of me and shove it on the air.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     BENDER [ON TV]
                         ...Have you ever tried simply turning 
                         off the TV, sitting down with your children, 
                         and hitting them?
 
               
               [Archive All My Circuits footage of Calculon reacting to something 
               completely different is spliced in. The whole crew, Cubert, Dwight 
               and Tinny Tim watch the TV.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable 
                         lesson about TV there.
 
               
                                     CUBERT
                         What was it?

               
               [As Hermes defends himself on the TV there is more archive footage 
               of Calculon reacting to something in a poker game.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Uh...that we should all take TV a little 
                         less seriously. And more importantly, 
                         turn it off once in a while.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hear hear!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Damn right!

               
               [On the TV Calculon reacts to something on a snowy mountain.]
 
               
               
                                     DWIGHT
                         So, should we turn it off now?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, uh, that depends what's on.

               
               [Fry flicks through the channels with the remote.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Nothing good.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah let's just keep watching.

               
               [They all turn back to the screen and watch Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]
 
               
               
               [Closing Credits. The crew perform Black Flag's TV Party while 
               watching Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) TV party tonight!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) TV party tonight!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh!

               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) We've got nothing better to 
                         do...
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (singing) ...Than watch TV and have 
                         a couple of brews!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (singing) Don't wanna talk about anything 
                         else...
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) We don't wanna know!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (singing) We're dedicated, yes!

               
                                     HERMES
                         (singing) ...To our favourite shows!
 
                         
               
                                     CUBERT
                         All My Circuits

               
                                     DWIGHT
                         Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!

               
                                     AMY
                         Scary Door!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Blernsmen at Blernsball!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Futurama!

               

Bender Should Not Be Allowed On Tv



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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