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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 206 

                                 "BRANNIGAN, BEGIN AGAIN"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Ships Rec Room. Fry and Bender play a futuristic version of 
               chess. The pieces are holograms and include an Omicronian, a 
               Trisolian, a Horrible Gelatinous Blob, one of Kif's people and 
               one of Zoidberg's people.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm. Horsey to pointy guy six.  Check.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hmm. Get him, boys!

               
               [Fry screams as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock 
               him to the floor and beat him up.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (hoarse) Good move.

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Not Y3K Compliant.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry lies on the couch next to Bender 
               and Leela leans against the wall reading Cosmopolitan. The door 
               opens.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone.  We have a mission 
                         to further the noble cause of intergalactic 
                         peace.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nope. Watching cartoons.

               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry.

               
               [Leela tips them off the couch.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What's the mission?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's a delivery for the Democratic Order 
                         Of Planets.
 
               
               [He points at the label on the package that says "DOOP." Fry 
               looks at it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         DOOP? What's that?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's similar to the United Nations from 
                         your time, Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...

               
                                     HERMES
                         Or like the Federation from your Star 
                         Trek programme.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (getting it) Oh!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the 
                         DOOP's new headquarters.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What are we delivering?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Something without which no ribbon-cutting 
                         ceremony could proceed. The ceremonial 
                         oversized scissors.
 
               
               [He takes them out of the box and Leela takes them from him.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         We'll get them there as quickly as we 
                         can.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Alright, but don't run with them.

               
               [The Planet Express ship flies towards the ultra-modern new DOOP 
               space station located in the Neutral Zone and docks.]
 
               
               [New DOOP Headquarters. The crew walk into the huge reception 
               area.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! There's a million aliens. I've 
                         never seen anything so mind blowing. 
                         Ooh, a reception table with muffins!
 
                         
               
               [He runs across the room. Glab, one of Kif's people, stands at 
               a podium. A grey man dressed in grey and an orange DOOP sash 
               stands behind her.]
 
               
                                     GLAB
                         Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 
                         ribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's 
                         magnificent new headquarters. A fitting 
                         home for an organisation that has fostered 
                         peace throughout the universe. Even 
                         between the Insectoids and the Space 
                         Lizards.
 
               
               [A spotlight falls on a Space Lizard who is eating an Insectoid. 
               He spits out the Insectoid and shakes it's hand. Everyone applauds. 
               At the bar Fry picks at a muffin and chats up someone.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So, what's it like on planet Amazonia?
 
                         
               
               [The woman is a huge ten-foot tall Neanderthal wearing leopard-skin 
               and carrying a club.]
 
               
                                     AMAZONIAN
                         Big rats there. Me crush with club.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         That's so interesting. Maybe we could 
                         get to know each other over a coffee.
 
                         
               
                                     GLAB
                         I can think of no better place for this 
                         centre of diplomacy than here in orbit 
                         around the Neutral Planet.  What are 
                         your thoughts on this momentous occasion, 
                         Your Neutralness?
 
               
                                     NEUTRAL PRESIDENT
                         I have no strong feelings one way or 
                         the other.
 
               
               [Everyone cheers, except one man.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With 
                         enemies you know where they stand but 
                         with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens 
                         me.  Halt.  Why, Leela. I do believe 
                         we've met.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering) He means you guys did it.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         If you don't mind, we're here to deliver 
                         the scissors for the ribbon-cutting.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Then you're under arrest.

               
               [He snatches the scissors away.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What for?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         How do I know these scissors aren't 
                         part of some Neutral plot?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But they're not even sharp. Who could 
                         I possibly hurt with them?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The Yarn People of Nylar 4?  So, a plan 
                         to assassinate a weird-looking alien 
                         with scissors. How very Neutral of you.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         It was almost the perfect crime, but 
                         you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors 
                         ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors 
                         cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. 
                          Search them for paper, and bring me 
                         a rock.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Why?

               
               [Zapp stares at Leela.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         So beautiful, yet so neutral.  Drag 
                         them to the ship.
 
               
                                     GLAB
                         And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary 
                         DOOP captain who just returned from 
                         a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 
                         7, Zapp Brannigan.
 
               
               [Everyone applauds and looks around in confusion. Zapp has gone.]
 
               
               
               [Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus has moved away from the headquarters. 
               Leela, Fry and Bender are handcuffed on the deserted bridge. 
               Zapp paces around.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         What makes a man turn neutral? Lust 
                         for gold? Power? Or were you just born 
                         with a heart full of neutrality?
 
               
               [Kif points at the reception area on the viewscreen.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting 
                         the ribbon right now.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         No matter. I'll simply cut it from here 
                         with the ships laser.
 
               
               [He presses a button and a console comes out of the floor. Outside 
               the ship a huge laser appears from a hatch.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Sir, I don't think that's wise.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif, if there's one thing I don't need 
                         it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise 
                         attitude.
 
               
               [He grabs a handle on the console and moves it through Stun, 
               Kill and Hyperdeath ™. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots 
               a laser beam towards the space station.]
 
               
               [Cut to: New DOOP Headquarters. The laser cuts the ribbon and 
               everyone applauds. The laser carries on cutting and cuts a huge 
               stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries 
               on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts 
               rumbling and explodes. The reception area breaks off and hurtles 
               off into space with everyone still screaming.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Whoopsie-daisy.

               
               [Former DOOP Headquarters. The building in Weehauken, New Jersey, 
               is a ruin with boarded up windows and cracks in the walls. The 
               DOOP representitives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab 
               precides. She bangs her gavel.]
 
               
                                     GLAB
                         Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of 
                         blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do 
                         you plead?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Absolutely 99% not guilty.

               
                                     GLAB
                         Then the prosecutor will call his first 
                         witness.
 
               
               [The prosecutor is a giant, green, chicken with tiny glasses 
               perched on his beak. He stands up and speaks with a strong Southern 
               American accent.]
 
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken 
                         from a backwoods asteroid but if it 
                         please the court I reckon I'll call 
                         the entire jury.
 
               
               [Everyone gasps and murmurs.]

               
                                     GLAB
                         I'm going to allow this.

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Members of the jury ...  ... did y'all 
                         happen to catch a gander at who blew 
                         up that there DOOP headquarters?
 
               
               [They point at Zapp.]

               
                                     JUROR #1
                         (simultaneously) That's the guy, right 
                         there.
 
               
                                     JUROR #2
                         (simultaneously) Oh, yeah, right there.
 
                         
               
                                     SMALL GLURMO #1
                         (simultaneously) That one.

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         And are y'all gonna vote to convict 
                         him?
 
               
                                     NEPTUNIAN
                         (simultaneously) You'd better believe 
                         it.
 
               
                                     JUROR #1
                         (simultaneously) You bet.

               
               [Glab bangs her gavel.]

               
                                     GLAB
                         The jury is instructed to disregard 
                         its own testimony.
 
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Your Honour, the prosecution rests.
 
                         
               
               [He clucks and covers his face with his wing.]

               
                                     GLAB
                         The evidence against Zapp Brannigan 
                         is strong. However, in light of his 
                         years of service, and the incompetence 
                         of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid 
                         I must dismiss all charges.
 
               
               [The crowd murmurs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I 
                         know the case is closed and you've rendered 
                         your verdict, but I wanna testify.
 
                         
               
                                     GLAB
                         I'm going to allow this.

               
               [Time Lapse. Leela is sat in the witness box.]

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question, 
                         were you or were you not wearing a hoop 
                         skirt?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's a stupid question. What matters 
                         is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain 
                         I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot 
                         blow up DOOP headquarters with my own 
                         eye.
 
               
               [The crowd gasps. Zapp stands up.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'd like to cross-examine the witness.
 
                         
               
                                     GLAB
                         I'm going to allow this.

               
               [Zapp paces past Leela.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         We've met before have we not?

               
                                     LEELA
                         (reluctantly) Yes.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         And on that occasion, did you have sex 
                         with someone? May I remind you you are 
                         still under oath.
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (reluctantly) Yes.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Please point out the person in this 
                         courtroom you had sex with.  And his 
                         name is?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Zapp Brannigan.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         The very same Zapp Brannigan who did 
                         not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest 
                         my case.
 
               
                                     GLAB
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you 
                         may begin your deliberations.
 
               
               [The jury files out through one door and returns immediately 
               through another. Small Glurmo #1 is the foreman.]
 
               
                                     SMALL GLURMO #1
                         Your Honour, we have reached a verdict. 
                         We find the defendant ... guilty.
 
                         
               
               [Leela hoots.]

               
                                     GLAB
                         Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped 
                         of your rank as captain and dismissed 
                         from the DOOP.
 
               
               [Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. He stops 
               before he reaches it and turns to the court.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'd like to make one final statement. 
                         Kif c'mere and hold up the flag.  And 
                         wave it a little for God's sakes. My 
                         friends, you can take away a man's title 
                         and his uniform but you can never take 
                         away his integrity or his honour. Plus 
                         it was mostly Kif's fault.
 
               
               [Kif drops the flag.]

               
                                     KIF
                         What?

               
                                     GLAB
                         Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of 
                         your rank and dishonourably discharged.
 
                         
               
               [Kif stammers and sighs.]

               
               [Outside Former DOOP Headquarters. Zapp and Kif emerge from the 
               building in civilian clothes.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         One day a man has everything, the next 
                         day he blows up a $400 billion space 
                         station and the next day he has nothing. 
                         It makes you think.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         No, it doesn't.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Come, Kif, it's time to begin our life 
                         as civilians.  That's an order, soldier.
 
                         
               
               [Kif reluctantly follows.]

               
               [Montage Zapp and Kif wander through the streets of New New York 
               to Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin' ŕ la Midnight Cowboy. 
               They stare into the window of a cafe and watch people eating 
               then turn to passers-by on the street. Kif starts to dance and 
               Zapp holds up a pot which passers by drop money into. Later that 
               night, Zapp stands on a street corner and a limo pulls up. The 
               window goes down and Zapp winks and offers himself to Hattie. 
               She shakes her head and points at Kif. Kif gasps and Zapp ushers 
               him into the car. The door closes and it speeds off.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Fry and Bender wash the ship.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah?

               
               [Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles and throws his 
               sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and 
               hits Leela in the face.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, this is the third hose fight 
                         I've broken up today and the second 
                         one using actual hoses. Now move your 
                         lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship 
                         like I ordered you to.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You don't have to get so mad, Leela.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of 
                         the dirt with his finger.
 
               
               [He points at a doodle Fry has done of Leela and speech bubble 
               with "Yak Yak Yak" in it. Leela growls. The doorbell rings and 
               she goes to answer.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Entrance. She opens the door to a down-and-out 
               Zapp and Kif.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Zapp?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela, I didn't know where else to turn. 
                         You're the only woman who ever loved 
                         me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I never loved you.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I mean physically.

               
                                     LEELA
                         What do you want?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Just let me work for a little food. 
                         Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service 
                         you sexually, or mop the floors.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You don't know how to do any of those 
                         things.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif might.

               
               [Leela prepares to press the slam button when Farnsworth turns 
               up.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Leela, who are you talking to?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom. 
                         And his commanding officer.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why, you're that disgraced starship 
                         captain.  Having him on staff will distract 
                         people from our horrendous safety record. 
                          Come in.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zapp and Kif join the crew around 
               the big table.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'd like everyone to meet our new employees. 
                          (whispering) Which ones are new?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         The green dude and the fat man.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that 
                         robot before either.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course. 
                          Anyway, whoever you all are, I have 
                         good news. You'll be making a delivery 
                         to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high 
                         gravity you'll most likely be crushed 
                         under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy.
 
                         
               
               [The ship flies towards the green planet.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Zapp peers around the doorway and watches 
               Leela pilot the ship. He turns away and the door closes.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         So, this Leela. I know she's a very 
                         sensuous woman but what manner of captain 
                         is she?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         She's really strict.

               
                                     BENDER
                         And mean.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I see. Does she by any chance give the 
                         crewmembers spankings?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Good, good. But should she ever institute 
                         some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy 
                         let me go in your place. I won't have 
                         my comrades harmed.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, this guy's alright!

               
               [He takes some bottles of Löbrau out of his chest cabinet and 
               passes them around.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Here's to us poor schmoes working for 
                         the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy, 
                         female man.
 
               
               [They guzzle down the beers.]

               
               [The ship goes into orbit around the planet.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Kif stands next to Leela.]

               
                                     KIF
                         I've computed out landing co-ordinates, 
                         Captain.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.

               
               [Kif sighs then stops.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Wait, what?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I said "very nice work".

               
                                     KIF
                         This is the happiest day of my life.
 
                         
               
               [He hugs her.]

               
               [Stumbos 4 Surface. The ship lands and the landing gear creaks 
               and groans under the immense gravity.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela has assembled Fry, Bender and 
               Zapp and holds a clipboard.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to 
                         delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel.
 
                         
               
               [She points through the window at a hotel on a hill. Bender holds 
               a pillow.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         They're not very heavy but you don't 
                         hear me not complaining.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         They're not heavy in here because we 
                         have an anti-grav pump. But once you 
                         get out on the surface the gravity will 
                         be very intense.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect 
                         me.
 
               
               [Leela rips it off him.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't want any screw-ups. Use the 
                         hover-dolly and just deliver one pillow 
                         at a time.
 
               
               [She leaves.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, here's an idea, let's deliver all 
                         the pillows at once.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         That's using the old noodle!

               
               [Stumbos 4 Surface. The ships cargo lift comes down and Zapp 
               pushes the hover-dolly off it with all the pillows on it. The 
               three are hit by the enormous gravity. Bender struggles to stay 
               upright but his legs are crushed under him. Fry tries as well 
               but his legs buckle. Zapp struggles too.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Come on, girdle. Hold!

               
               [His girdle breaks and his huge flabby gut spills out from under 
               his sweatshirt. He groans. So does the hover-dolly. Then it breaks.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh-oh.

               
               [Leela and Kif walk down the ships steps. Her hair is pushed 
               flat and Kif is squished.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What the hell happened?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Some breaking occured, the dolly was 
                         involved, that's about all we know.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I told you dumb apes not to overload 
                         it. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs 
                         here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, don't get your panties in a 
                         knot. We'll just use the back-up dolly.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll start loading up the pillows.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No way, Jack. You disobeyed an order, 
                         so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows 
                         by hand.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Let me ask you a serious question, Leela: 
                         Does the company that made your bra 
                         make a girdle as well? I ask because 
                         a friend of mine--
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Just get to work.

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender drag the pillows across the 
               surface, leaving huge furrows in the ground.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (mocking) I'm Leela, get to work, neh 
                         neh neh.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I agree.

               
               [Ships Cockpit. Leela looks bored stiff listening to Kif.]

               
                                     KIF
                         The point is, it's just so humiliating 
                         working for that man. Once, he actually 
                         ordered me to ... shave his armpits 
                         while he was in the bathtub. So, I said--
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Y'know, why don't we talk about something 
                         besides Zapp for a while?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout 
                         then, um...OK, well, there he was in 
                         the tub, alright?
 
               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
               [Stumbos 4 Surface. Zapp, Fry and Bender continue the delivery. 
               They struggle and stop. Thunder cracks above.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, some good old high-gravity rain. 
                         That'll cool us off.
 
               
               [He holds his tongue out and the heavy rain knocks him to the 
               ground. They crawl under a rock out of the rain.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         This is all Leela's fault.

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah. If she had let us use the back-up 
                         dolly, we could have broken it, given 
                         up and gone home by now.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Y'know boys, a good captain needs many 
                         skills, such as boldness, daring and 
                         a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced 
                         Leela has any of those things.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish 
                         she didn't make us work so much.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Back when I was captain all I asked 
                         from my men was their complete loyalty. 
                         If I had that, then for all I cared 
                         they could sit around the whole day 
                         drinking beer in their underpants.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Beer?

               
                                     FRY
                         Underpants?

               
               [He and Bender look at each other and grin.]

               
               [Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     KIF
                         But now, Zapp's not captain anymore. 
                         I'm free!  Oh, you hear that? I'm actually 
                         laughing!
 
               
               [Enter Zapp, Fry and Bender.]

               
                                     FRY
                         This is a mutiny.

               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You're outta here, lady. Zapp's the 
                         new captain.
 
               
               [Zapp handcuffs Leela. Fry already has his shirt off and raises 
               a beer.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         All hail the new captain.

               
               [He unzips his trousers and lets them fall down.]

               
               [The ship speeds away from Stumbos 4.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is sat in the pilot's seat.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela, you might be a formidible do-er 
                         of the nasty but I am forced to relieve 
                         you of your post.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         On what grounds, you slobbering oaf?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Failure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her 
                         in the brig.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We don't have a brig.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Then throw her in the laundry room, 
                         which will hereafter be referred to 
                         as "the brig".
 
               
               [Ships Laundry Room. Bender and Fry lead Leela inside.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You really don't want me to be captain 
                         anymore?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You got it, genius.

               
                                     LEELA
                         But, didn't I do a good job?

               
                                     FRY
                         You were mean and you yelled and you 
                         made us do all that work.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Sometimes a captain needs to do those 
                         things. Besides I, I thought we were 
                         friends.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been 
                         such a mean captain then.
 
               
               [He turns and leaves.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Don't worry, Leela, soon we'll be able 
                         to look back on this and laugh.
 
               
               [He walks out, looks back and laughs insanely.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Bender return. Zapp is wearing 
               his DOOP uniform.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Back in my old uniform, and it nearly 
                         still fits. Even after all that fattening 
                         hobo cuisine.
 
               
               [Kif, back in his uniform too, holds up Zapp's other clothes.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         What shall I do with your civilian clothes, 
                         sir?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Take them to the laundry-brig.  So, 
                         do I have your loyalty, men?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          To the ends of the universe.

               
                                     FRY
                         Ten hundred percent!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         That's not nearly loyal enough. I order 
                         you to sit around and drink beer until 
                         you're as loyal as Kif here.
 
               
               [He hands them some beers and Kif returns.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes, sir, sir!

               
                                     KIF
                         Um, may I have a beer, sir?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         No. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile, 
                         I have a plan. We will single-handedly 
                         attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, jeez.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Once the neutral war machine lies in 
                         ruins, I'll be a hero again and the 
                         DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall 
                         correctly, you were court-martialed 
                         in disgrace.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh, burn!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Nailed you, buddy!

               
               [They clink their bottles.]

               
               [The Planet Express ship flies towards the neutrally grey Neutral 
               Planet.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is in the pilot's seat and Fry and 
               Bender man their stations.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Prepare to continue the epic struggle 
                         between good and neutral.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is awesome! We're gonna be like 
                         pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like 
                         ...  ... and then we'll have pancakes 
                         to celebrate and I'll be like...
 
               
               [He makes pancake-eating noises.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Precisely. Now, in the name of all that 
                         is good and honourable, we'll call the 
                         Neutral President with a message of 
                         peace, then blast him.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          Yes sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Fly the white flag of war.

               
               [The white flag is hoisted on a flagpole atop the ships laser 
               turret.]
 
               
               [Neutral Capitol. The Neutral headquarters, located in Neutropolis, 
               bears the motto "Live Free Or Don't". The Neutral President's 
               office is quite small and decorated with various shades of grey. 
               He sits at his desk and an aide stands next to him. Zapp is on 
               a huge wall screen.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                          This is Zapp Brannigan of the good 
                         ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come 
                         swinging the olive branch of peace.
 
                         
               
               
                                     NEUTRAL PRESIDENT
                         All I know is my gut says maybe.

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp turns the communication screen off.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         What now, chief?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Now we crash the ship into their headquarters, 
                         killing them in a hellish firestorm 
                         from which no living thing can escape.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Good, good, then what?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile, 
                         will have ejected to safety, wearing 
                         the only spacesuit on board.
 
               
               [Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill 
                         us?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Of course. What do you think I meant 
                         by "loyalty"? Now help me into the only 
                         spacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in 
                         there so you may need to apply baby 
                         powder.
 
               
               [Ships Laundry Room. Leela, still handcuffed, folds some sheets 
               while Kif pours some washing powder into a cup. Fry and Bender 
               run in.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, we want you to be captain again.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Let me guess. He cancelled naptime? 
                          He ran out of beer?  So he's about 
                         to kill us?
 
               
               [They nod.]

               
               [Ships Cockpit. Zapp is now wearing the spacesuit. Enter Leela, 
               Kif, Fry and Bender.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We want Leela to be captain again.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         So it's mutiny is it? I never thought 
                         I'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject. 
                         I found a children's spacesuit you can 
                         wear.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         To be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here 
                         with Captain Leela. She actually listens 
                         to what I have to--
 
               
               [Leela shoves the helmet on his head and Zapp puts the suit on 
               him which is decorated with stars and planets. He picks him up 
               using a handle on the back and Kif kicks and mumbles before finally 
               sighing. They leave the room and fly away from the ship. Leela 
               wrestles with the wheel.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, no! He's disabled the steering. 
                          We're gonna crash!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Leela save me ... and yourself, I guess 
                         ... and my banjo.  And Fry.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, OK. We have one chance. Are you 
                         willing to do what I say as captain?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Absolutely.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Even if I make you work hard?

               
                                     BENDER
                         As your God is my witness.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Then go get the hover-dolly you didn't 
                         break and load all the dark matter into 
                         the left engine.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, man, that crap's heavy.

               
                                     FRY
                         And warm.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just do it.

               
               [The ship streaks through the planet's atmosphere and starts 
               to burn up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Neutral Capitol. An alarm dings and the aide runs in.]
 
               
               
               
                                     NEUTRAL PRESIDENT
                         If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".
 
                         
               
               [Ships Cockpit. Leela turns on the communication screen.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hurry! I don't wanna die at the age 
                         of 25.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I 
                         wouldn't worry about it.
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Fry and Bender pull the dolly towards 
               the left engine.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's too low.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Quick.

               
               [He lies underneath the dolly and Fry works him like a car jack, 
               tipping the pellets into the fire.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Ship. The ships engine flares up and it turns 
               away from the planet.]
 
               
               [Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You did it! You actually did it!

               
               [Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]

               
                                     FRY
                         And no one will have to punish anyone 
                         for the mutiny.
 
               
               [Former DOOP Headquarters. Everyone is back in the courtroom 
               again.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         And so, when Captain Leela panicked, 
                         perhaps distracted by female troubles, 
                         my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever 
                         I did to save the day.
 
               
                                     GLAB
                         Captain Leela, is this rambling story 
                         of magic and heroism true?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, actually--

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (whispering) That a girl! If they don't 
                         take him back we can keep him as captain.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp winks at Leela and click-clicks. She stands up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Your Honour, it's all true: My female 
                         incompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes, 
                         the stuff that made no sense, all of 
                         it.
 
               
               [The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     GLAB
                         In that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby 
                         restore your rank and parking privileges.
 
                         
               
               [She bangs her gavel and the crowd cheers. Fry hugs Bender and 
               high-fives Leela.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, foo!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Come, Kif, we've got work to do.

               
               [He mimes shaving his armpits and tosses Kif the razor. Kif sighs 
               and turns to Leela.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I-I'll call and tell you about it.
 
                         
               
               [She sighs.]

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela looks over the railings and watches 
               Fry and Bender scrub the ship.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, I just want you to know that 
                         even though you're mean, you're the 
                         best captain ever.
 
               
               [Leela smiles.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can 
                         we have a week off?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No.

               
                                     FRY
                         Please?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on, Captain.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, alright.

               
               [Farnsworth passes behind her.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No time off.

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, man.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's mutiny!

               
               THE END

               
               

Brannigan, Begin Again



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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