"FEAR OF A BOT PLANET"
Evan Gore & Heather Lombard
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch
looking out of the windscreen into open space.]
What do you think of the view, Fry?
It really puts things in perspective.
I mean, from up here an entire world
can seem utterly insignificant.
[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a
car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it
[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]
[Madison Cube Garden Pitch. The crew are sat watching what could
be a baseball game between the New New York Yankees and the Mars
Hey, nice seats! We're close enough
to when you knock a player down with
a beer bottle, he stays down.
I don't get this. Is blernsball exactly
the same as baseball?
Baseball? God forbid!
Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring
as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up.
Boring? Baseball wasn't -- hmm, so they
finally jazzed it up?
[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up, cheering.]
Home run! Ha ha! Yay! Right?
[The ball is attached to a piece of elastic and springs back.
A player catches it and the momentum carries him so he flies
through the air with the ball. He reaches out and hits a base.]
[The crowd cheers and Leela writes on her scorecard.]
What just happened? Why is the ball
on that springy thing?
It's traditional. Just like aluminium
bats and the seventh inning grope.
[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it
and is caught by Bender.]
I got me a souvenir! Aww, here you
[He hands the player to the boy.]
[Madison Cube Garden Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents
and approaches a vendor.]
I'd like a jumbo squid log, please.
We don't sell those.
Alright, alright. Let me have one of
your young on a roll.
We're outta rolls.
Fine! Just give me something crawling
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Pitch. Back in the bleachers, Zoidberg
eat a hotdog and purrs. The others have hotdogs too. Fry takes
Mmm, at least hotdogs haven't changed.
Hey, buddies, who wants popcorn?
Leela Oh, I'll have some.
Yes, please, popcorn!
[Popping noises come from Bender's chest cabinet. He opens it
and takes out a large tub of popcorn.]
Anyone want butter on that?
[He pumps his antenna.]
Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of
this game. The blerns are loaded, the
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns
and the infield blern rule is in effect,
Except for the word "blern" that was
[Something beeps. The blernsball falls into a hole and some things
come up in the pitch. The crowd cheers.]
Multi-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Blerrrn!
[Another player rides a hover-cycle around the pitch with the
bases exploding behind him. A bullpen opens and someone comes
out riding a huge spider. Fry scratches his head in confusion.
Leela writes on her score card.]
Alright! Yes! Miller's on a pace to
hit 70 blerns!
He's good, alright. But he's no Clem
Johnson. And Johnson played back in
the days before steroid injections were
Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't
have lasted one pitch in the old Robot
Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there
was a blern hitting machine!
Exactly! He was a machine designed to
hit blerns! I mean, come on, Wireless
Joe was nothing but a programmable bat
Oh, and I suppose Pitchomat 5000 was
just a modified howitzer?
You humans are so scared of a little
robot competition you won't even let
us on the field.
What are you talking about? There's
all kinds of robots down there.
Yeah, doing crap work! They're bat boys,
ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But
how many robot managers are there?
Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's
scraping up the filth. Is it a human
child? I wish!
[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]
Oh, dear Lord!
[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic
image of Hermes appears in front of him.]
This is Hermes. A package just came
in. Everyone is to return to the office
immediately. Get away, you filthy bird!
Shoo! Shoo! Professor, turn me off,
I'm sorry, wha?
[Holo-Hermes screams. The bird takes off with him and carries
him towards the roof.]
(shouting) See you at the office!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.]
Admit it: You all think robots are just
machines built by humans to make their
Well, aren't they?
I've never made anyone's life easier
and you know it!
[Enter Farnsworth and a bandaged Hermes, who holds a box with
a Planet Express label on it and "Chapek 9" written on it.]
Great news, everyone. You'll be delivering
a package to Chapek 9, a world where
humans are killed on sight.
Why is that great news?
I'm glad you asked that question, Fry.
You see, Chapek 9 was colonised centuries
ago by a murderous crew of radical robot
Oh, so just 'cause a robot wants to
kill humans that makes him a "radical"?
Hey, hold on. I understand these robots
hate humans, but how do they feel about
They're not fans.
That's why Bender will have to make
the actual delivery.
Oh, I get it, make the robot do all
This is the first actual work you've
ever had to do around here.
Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot
Really? Which one?
Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks
on the robot calendar.
Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was
Robomadom and before that Robonza.
Man, that one was a blast!
It wasn't just a blast. It was a sacred
tribute to my ancestral prototypes which
happened to take the form of a drinking
Now, look here, Bender. I respect your
diversity to the extent the law requires
but you used up all your days off when
you had that bout with Roberculosis.
Alright, I'll go. But so help me, I'll
hold a grudge against every last stinking
one of you for the rest of your lives.
Well then it's settled. So long, everyone!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship approaches Chapek 9.]
So let me get this straight: This planet
is completely uninhabited?
No. It's inhabited by robots!
Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited
[Bender mutters to himself.]
[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bays
bomb-bay doors open.]
[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela holds a remote control to operate the
OK, Bender, we're here. It's time to
get to work.
Yes, Miss Leela. Tote that space barge,
lift that space pale.
Now we can't land on the surface because
those robots will kill Fry and me. So
we'll have to stay up here and lower
you with the winch. And remember: You
don't know humans, you don't work for
humans, and, above all, you don't like
(ironic) I'll try to keep that in mind!
[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]
Hmm, he seems pretty angry.
Yeah, but I guess I'd be kinda angry
too if I had to go to some uninhabited
Maybe we ought to do something nice
[Ships Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners,
paper bending unit chains and a beer bottle Menorah.]
There! This oughta show that stupid
robot we care about him.
[The phone beeps.]
Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]
I'm in trouble. They found out I work
with humans and -- oh, no! Oh, no!
[He screams and is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts
Oh, my God! We have to go down and rescue
No, we can't! They'll kill us on sight.
W-what are we gonna do?
I don't know! I don't know! It's not
an easy decision. If only I had two
or three minutes to think about it.
[Ships Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and
OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've
got to look and act exactly like robots.
(mechanical voice) I am fully operational,
We'll have to walk like robots, talk
like robots and, if necessary, solve
complex differential equations like
I can sorta dance like a robot. Will
[He sort of dances like a robot. Leela sighs.]
Fry, first of all this is serious. And
second of all:
[She dances like a robot.]
[Cut to: Chapek 9 Surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to
the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot
complex. They walks towards it and Fry sees his reflection in
the colander Leela is wearing on her head.]
Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten
Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's
in this quadrant.
[Cut to: Outside Robot complex. They reach the gates of the complex
but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]
Be you robot or human?
Uh, yup! Just two robots out roboting
it up! Eh?
Administer the test.
Which of the following would you most
prefer? A: A puppy, B: A pretty flower
from your sweetie, or C: A large properly-formatted
[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]
(whispering) C! (talking) Is the puppy
mechanical in any way?
No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Then we'll go with that data file.
The flower would also have been acceptable.
You may pass.
[The guardbots fold up like transformers and move to the side
of the gates. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]
[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]
Now if you see any robots, just stay
out of their way. (shouting) So far,
[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions
to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]
Little to the right, there you go.
Have you seen this robot?
[She shows him a picture of Bender dressed as a magician pulling
a rabbit out of a hat.]
Sorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it!
Don't drop that there! Oh!
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela walk past a sign that says "got milk?
then you're a human and must be killed".]
Come on, Fry, walk like a robot.
I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.
Robots don't have bathrooms.
Oh, right. I wonder where they smoke
in high school.
Listen. Just go behind those garbage
cans. I'll stand guard.
[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]
Hurry up, Fry!
Sir? Are you aware that you're leaking
coolant at an alarming rate?
Lemme just patch you up with some hot
I think the leak's stopping itself.
Wait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait.
What sort of robot turns down a free
blast of searing-hot resin?
I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go
and perform some mindless repetitive
[The robot chuckles.]
Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't
[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The
robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and
Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the
PATROL OFFICER #1
Get the humanoid.
PATROL OFFICER #2
Get the intruder.
Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
Quick! Let's duck in here!
[They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth).]
[Cinema Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular
horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college
boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. Both robots. The
robot audience is wearing 3-D glasses.]
We interrupt this sound file to bring
you a terrifying announcement: A non-metallic
being has been sighted in the vicinity
of Make Out Point.
Say, Wendy. Your chassis is a little
scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
[The bushes rustle.]
Did you here that, Rusty? It sounded
like a human.
Relax, Wendy. Humans will never come
to our defenceless little town. Its
perfectly safe to let our guard down
-- even for a second.
[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears
out of some bushes. Wendy screams and it growls, tears off Rusty's
head and eats it.]
I will eat and digest you all with
my system of mighty organs. Behold!
[It opens itself up revealing human organs. The audience gasps.]
Wow, the 3-D's great!
Mine's not working.
[She moves the 3-D glasses back and forth over her eye. In the
movie the "human" stumbles around, breathes fire and finally
collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and an army robot
Funny, isn't it? The human was impervious
to our most powerful magnetic fields,
yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless
[He pulls the stick out of the "human" and chuckles.]
I'm just glad the nightmare is over.
It'll never be over, Wendy. Even now
humans are lurking in our playgrounds,
our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie
[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]
God help us!
[Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing
OK. Keep an eye out for Bender.
So, what did you think of the movie?
Umm, too much romance, not enough human
Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
[A loud fanfare.]
What do you mean "What's that?"? It's
5 o'clock: Time for the daily human
[The robots all take out pitchforks, maces and fire torches and
file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]
Try to stay with the crowd so no one
notices how crummy you look.
[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a
Aww, that was uncalled for!
I'm over here.
[The robots congregate around a platform.]
I heard a human was draining coolant
behind garbage can 738.
I heard they unscrew our lug nuts at
night and eat them at their human brunches.
Welcome to a very special human hunt.
We have with us today a guest who's
irrational hatred for humans makes me
look like a human sympathiser! A newly-arrived
refugee from Earth, lets hear it for...Bender!
[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]
It's him! He's OK!
Death to humans!
[The crowd cheers.]
Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
Many said I was too extreme when I first
called for the annihilation of the human
species, as well as some of the more
cunning monkeys. But after living on
Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything,
[The crowd cheers.]
My God! He's become evil. I mean eviler!
Thank you! Thank you! And if you enjoyed
that diatribe then you'll want to purchase
my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act
now and you'll get this Bender action
[He pulls the string]
Bite my shiny metal ass!
[The robots wave cash.]
(shouting) Oh, I want one!
[Bender takes the money and hands out the figurines from a box.]
Let the hunt begin!
[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look
Now, your basic human is between three-
and 25-feet tall and is made of a hairy,
oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
Is it true they bite your neck, suck
your transmission fluid and then you
become a human?
Sure, why not?
[They look in some bracken.]
Anything in the trap?
Nothing. Today's active humans prefer
a low-calorie bait.
Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful
hunts in a row. But I've got a good
feeling about tomorrow.
[Bender sees a building.]
Wait! What's that?
That's the old abandoned adult book
store. Nothing in there except a few
mouldy old shreds of robot pornography.
Hmm, sounds like a breeding ground for
humans. I'd better check it out.
[Adult Book Store. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit
Oh, yeah! You're a bad girl, aren't
Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you
We've been looking for you. Last we
heard you were under arrest as a human
I was. But they let me go when I told
them I killed a million billion humans.
Good for you. Now let's all get back
to the ship.
We're rescuing you.
I don't wanna be rescued.
I love this planet. I've got wealth,
fame and access to the depths of sleaze
that those things bring.
But, Bender, we're your friends.
Friends? That activates my hilarity
unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're
no more friends with me than you are
with the toaster or the phonograph or
the electric chair.
That's not true.
Well that's how it feels to me.
[There is an awkward silence.]
Bye, Bender. I'll miss you.
Go on, get out of here before you get
[Enter the Robot Mayor and some other robots.]
Bender, good news: Your album just went
gold! What the?
It's the humans!
Bender! Do something!
[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]
Uh...got you...you murderous flesh piles!
[Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge
is a Mac computer.]
Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate
beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans
before us are guilty of the crime of
being humans. Come to think of it, I
rest my case!
Thank you, prosecutor. I will now consider
[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]
Hey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone going
to defend us?
Yeah! I mean he might not have a case
but I'm genuinely not a human.
[The judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen:
Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]
Uh-oh! He froze up again!
Try control alt delete.
Jiggle the cord.
Turn him off and on.
Clean the gunk out of the mouse.
Call technical support.
OK, OK, he's back online.
I find the defendants - guilty!
[The court cheers.]
Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not
The humans are hereby sentenced to live
as robots live on Earth. They will perform
tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles,
until they become obsolete and are given
away to an inner-city middle school.
[The court cheers again.]
Great work, Bender! You've taught us
to hate humans all over again!
[Bender chuckles and sighs. The bailiff pulls a lever and Fry
and Leela fall through the floor.]
[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. Fry and Leela hit the floor.]
Are you alright?
[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before
five tall robots. Leela gasps.]
Who are you?
We are the robot elders.
You don't look very old.
Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.
What's going on here?
Silence! Bring in Bender.
[The doors open. Enter Bender.]
Alright, let's make this quick, I'm
due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey!
What is this?
Silence! It is time to put the humans
[Fry and Leela gasp.]
But the judge already sentenced us at
Silence! That was just a show for the
public. We are the true rulers of this
planet, hand carved from meteorites
by the Robot Founders over four centuries
Silence! Come forward Bender. You will
have the honour of executing the prisoners.
Silence! I concur!
Here: Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.
Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would
it be alright if I just gave 'em a savage
No! The Elders have spoken. Show us
the killing skills than have made you
a media darling.
Do it now! Kill them before they bring
down our whole society!
(chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do
it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Aww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans
have mistreated robots but not these
two. They're my friends. Humans are
no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid
The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
We're well aware of that.
Of course. But they're useful to us
as a scapegoat to distract the public
from their real problem.
Like our crippling lug nut shortage.
And a corrupt government of incompetent
Duh, that's for sure.
Well, I'm glad we got all that out in
the open. We'll just let ourselves out.
Silence! You all know too much.
Elders: Execute function, control, shift,
[They form a line and sharp things come out of their arms. They
move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly
Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe
fire on you!
[The Elders exchange glances.]
He'll do it. He's crazy!
Can they really breathe fire or did
we make that up?
Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might
just be from that stupid movie.
Was that the original or the re-make?
[The crew sneak away.]
I don't -- hey! They're getting away.
[Chapek 9 Surface. Outside the robot complex, Fry, Leela and
Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing
them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]
So long, suckers! Uh, hello, suckers!
Hey, hold on a second, I forgot to deliver
[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls,
along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]
Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts!
Hooray for the humans!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender
sees the decorations.]
Wow, I can't believe you guys did all
this for me! This is the best Robanukah
We wanted to show you that we really
do respect your robot heritage.
Aww, thanks! You do know that I made
Robanukah up to get out of work, right?
But that doesn't make it any less meaningful.
In that case, let the dancing begin!
Hey, you guys are good. How the hell
do you do that?
[The crew enjoy the party and take several photos of the occasion.]