"FRY AND THE SLURM FACTORY"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Planet Express: Lounge. Late at night Fry and Bender sit on
the couch. The are four Slurm cans on the coffee table. Fry drinks
from another one and they watch All My Circuits on the TV. Calculon
opens the door to his bedroom.]
Honey unit, I'm home. Monique!
[Monique is in bed with Boxy. She pulls the sheets up around
Oh, how I wish I could believe that.
You may be my evil half-brother, but
there's no law against murdering the
[The screen changes to the All My Circuits logo.]
All My Circuits will be right back
after this word from...
[The screen changes to an advert.]
... Slurm! It's highly addictive!
[A hand takes a can of Slurm off the screen. The hand belongs
to a surfing slug. Two babes on a beach watch him.]
Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie!
He's the original party worm!
[Slurms surfs onto the beach between the girls and they stroke
Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!
[He and the babes dance on the beach and are joined by other
dancing people. They all drink cans of Slurm.]
Look at that worm go. Who says there
are no more heroes?
[On the TV Slurms surfs with the two babes.]
Hey, dudes, you can win a chance to
party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at
the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!
[A still picture of Slurms playing a guitar with the babes and
a crate of Slurm appears on the screen with the words "Win A
Just look for the winning bottle-cap
inside specially-marked cans of Slurm.
[Back on the board the babe shakes something out of her Slurm
can and shows it to the camera. It is a bottle-cap with "You
Win!" printed on it. She gasps.]
[Disclaimers appear on the screen. "Slurm Has Been Found To Cause
Cancer In Laboratory Humans", "Employees Of Slurm Corp. And Their
Families Are Eligible To Enter And Will Probably Win" and "The
following species are ineligible: Space wasps, space beavers,
any other animal with the word 'Space' in front of it, space
chickens and the elusive yak-face" in alien language #1.]
SLURM ANNOUNCER #2
No purchase necessary unless you wish
to enter the contest. Odds of winning
I like those odds. Rats. Just another
[He smiles a big toothless smile.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Live From Omicron Persei 8.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table
watching Fry guzzle down another can of Slurm. Fry shakes the
can upside-down and looks inside. "You're A Loser" is printed
on the bottom. He groans.]
I gotta find that golden bottle-cap.
[He throws the can behind him, opens another one and starts drinking
I've never seen anyone so addicted to
This is nothing. Back in high school
I used to drink a hundred cans of cola
a week. Right up until my third heart
[The door opens and Bender stands in the doorway clutching his
door and groaning. His antenna is wilted and he is a slightly
Bender, what's wrong?
[He sneezes and his eyes pop out and back in again.]
You poor baby. Let me check if you have
a fever. Ow!
[Farnsworth opens Bender's door with his lab coat acting as a
According to Bender's temperature gauge,
which I suggest you use next time, Leela,
he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees.
[He closes the door and Bender groans. Hermes fluffs a cushion
on a couch in the corner.]
Bender, mon, lie yourself down. You're
payin' for that!
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Bender sits on the examination
table and the rest of the staff gather around.]
I'll have a look, but I remind you,
I'm an expert on humans not robots.
[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]
I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Really? I though you were the robot.
Alright, alright, spare me your life
story. Now what seems to be the trouble?
My tummy hurts and I've been having
this burning electrical discharge.
[Zoidberg runs a stethescope across Bender's casing.]
Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. (muttering)
Oh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the
heart to tell him: It's fin fungus.
He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
[He walks off tutting. Amy turns to Bender.]
You should try homeopathic medicine,
Bender. Take some zinc.
I'm 40% zinc.
Then take some Echinaea or a St. John's
Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same
[Bender coughs and a sound comes from his chest cabinet.]
Hey, what's rattling around in there?
It may well be the cause of Bender's
illness. But more importantly, it's
a flimsy pretext to try out my latest
invention. To the laboratory!
[He shuffles off very slowly and the rest quickly pass him.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth holds up a torch-like
object to the rest of the crew.]
I call this the F-ray. It's like an
X-ray only it allows you to see through
anything - even metal. Now, the neutrino
beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so
you'll all need protective goggles.
You may feel a slight stinging sensation
- all of you-- All of you! Aha! There's
the cause of your illness.
Hey, that's my watch!
I was wondering where I put that. Hey,
now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor.
And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch.
[She smiles and hugs him. Bender steals her earrings and chuckles.
She moves away and he tosses the earrings down his throat and
coughs. Fry and Bender stay with Farnsworth while the others
leave. Farnsworth takes off his suit.]
Well, I've got to go take this suit
to the decontaminators. You two lock
up the F-ray and for the love of God
don't let it fall into the wrong hands.
[He hands it to them. They look at each other and chuckle.]
[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down the busy
street with the F-ray. Bender holds it up.]
What should we point it at first?
I 'unno. Try it on me. Ow! My sperm!
Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again?
[He points it at Fry's crotch again but nothing happens.]
Huh, didn't hurt that time.
[Bender watches a Fembot walk past.]
Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady.
[He points the F-ray at her and gasps.]
That's no lady!
Damn chico, one more upgrade and I'll
be more lady than you can handle! Why
you so stupid, stupid?
Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
You couldn't afford it, honey.
[It snaps it's fingers and walks off.]
[7^11. Outside the convenience store some people queue outside
a suicide booth and a sign advertises the shop as being "Open
28 Hours". Inside Bender and Fry use the F-ray to look inside
products such as Mom's Friendly Robot Oil, Bachelor Chow, Robo
Fresh, Tanning Butter, Mr Baked Beans and Glagnar's Human Rinds.
All this prolonged exposure to radiation
is making me thirsty. Ah, if only there
was some way of knowing which can had
the winning bottle-cap inside.
[Bender stops pointing the F-ray at some Hot Logs and turns to
Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was
too busy using this F-ray to look inside
Wait a second. I'm getting an idea.
N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah.
No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no.
[Montage Fry points the F-ray at the stack of Slurm cans and
shakes his head in disappointment. In the street, Bender takes
a can of Slurm from a small boy with a red balloon. The boy cries,
Bender points the F-ray at the can and hands it back to the boy
when he sees there is nothing inside. The boy stops crying. Bender
points the F-ray at the balloon and it bursts and the boy cries
again. Fry points the F-ray at a Slurm dispenser but there is
no winning cap inside. Bender extends his arm into the coin tray
and takes a handful of coins. Back in the street Bender points
the F-ray at a Slurm blimp. It explodes and he and Fry run away.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Farnsworth sit at the table
playing 3D Scrabble, a version of 3D Chess from Star Trek. On
the top level are the words "ONE" and "EYE"; On the second row
is "MATT" and "AREA"; On the third is "POOP" and "ONLY" and on
the fourth is "DONUT," "ONE" and "EMU". The letters on Farnsworth's
rack spell "FUUTAMA". The door opens and Bender slams the F-ray
onto the table, upsetting the letters.]
Ah, this thing stinks.
We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and
all we won was this junk. I never wanna
see another can of Slurm again. Man,
am I thirsty.
[He walks over to the fridge and takes out a refreshing can of
Slurm. He starts guzzling it back and suddenly starts to cough
Fry, are you alright?
[Bender picks up the F-ray and points it at Fry's neck. A Slurm
bottle-cap with "You Win" written on it is lodged in his throat.]
You did it, Fry! You found the winning
bottle-cap! We won!
[Fry cheers and wheezes.]
[The Planet Express ship flies towards the Slurm planet. The
planet has a ring and the "Slurm" logo is painted on it. The
ship disappears into the atmosphere.]
[Cut to: Outside Slurm Factory. The ship descends from the clouds,
the landing gear comes down and it lands outside the Slurm factory
which bears an uncanny resemblance to the Wonka factory in Willy
Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. A banner reading "Welcome Contest
Winners!" has been hung above the gates. Fry, Bender, Leela,
Amy and the rest of the staff walk out of the ship down the steps.]
Ooh, look at that!
[Outside the gates are four worms. Two of them play a fanfare
and the gates open. A path leads from the gates up to a building.
On the steps of the building two worms roll out a red carpet.
The end of the carpet reaches the gates and a worm dressed like
Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory pops out.]
Welcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm
Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the
splend-tacular Slurm factory.
Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?
You'll have all the Slurm you can drink
later on when you're partying with my
good friend Slurms MacKenzie.
[He moves aside and behind him is Slurms and the babes. Slurms'
party music plays.]
Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay
some skin on me, dudes!
[Fry and Bender do. Some worm slime comes off on Fry's hand.]
Wow! The original party worm! Are you
ready to get down, get funky with us?
He'd better be, that's what we pay him
for. Right, Slurms?
[Slurms cringes and starts waving his arms around.]
In fact, Slurms has to party all night,
every night - or he's fired!
(tired) Rock on!
But before the party, you're all in
for a fun-derful treat: A VIP tour of
the Slurm factory!
[He slides back through the gates and the staff follow.]
Enjoy the tour, dudes! I'm gonna go
[Slurm Factory Entrance. Glurmo and the staff are gathered in
the dim room.]
Welcome, my friends, to the wondrous
world of whimsy that we like to call
"Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication
[Behind him some worms open some doors.]
[Cut to: Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit. The
crew walk through the door and gasp. The room looks like the
huge room in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Slurm cans
grow on trees and a river of Slurm flows down the middle.]
Look! Flowers! And a boat!
[The boat is a small paddle boat. The crew walk to the river
bank and are about to get on the boat when they see some small
creatures across the river carrying barrels of Slurm. They have
orange faces and green hair and look like the Oompa-Loompas from
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. They wave.]
Who are those horrible orange creatures
Why those are the Grunka Lunkas. They
work here in the Slurm factory.
Tell them I hate them.
[Time Lapse. The staff and Glurmo are now on the boat and it
sails down the green river.]
As we sail down the river of Slurm you'll
see our mix-ologists at work. They
take 900 of the finest ingredients,
add a touch of child-like delight and
mix it all with glacial spring water
from our glacial spring water generator.
Then, last of all, we add the secret
ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously
[A Grunka Lunka tips up a barrel labelled "Secret Ingredient"
into a cauldron of Slurm ingredients but another pulls a curtain
across before anyone can see anything.]
So, what's the secret ingredient?
It's whatever your imagination wants
it to be.
Oh. But what is it really?
(sternly) That's not for you to know.
(normal) Now, over here the Grunka Lunkas
are inducing Wumpus berries to release
their flavour, using sensual massage.
[He points to some Grunka Lunkas who rub piles of purple berries.]
(whispering) Psst, those berries. Those
are the secret ingredient, right?
I'm just asking cause they look kind
Enough! There will be no further questions.
[Fry raises his hand.]
[Leela points across him.]
Hey, look! The disgusting little men
are starting to sing.
[On the river bank six Grunka Lunkas line up and dance and sing.]
(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity-do,
We've got a friendly warning for you,
Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis,
The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis.
GRUNKA LUNKA #1
(singing) Asking questions in school
is a great way to learn ...
GRUNKA LUNKA #2
(singing) ... If you try that stuff
here you might get your legs broke.
GRUNKA LUNKA #1
(singing) We once found a dead guy face
down in the Slurm ...
GRUNKA LUNKA #2
(singing) ... It could easily happen
again to you folks.
(singing) So keep you head down,
And keep your mouth shut,
Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!
[Glurmo leans over the side of the boat and waves his cane.]
(shouting) Hey, I don't pay you to sing!
You just used up today's bathroom break!
[The boat disappears into a tunnel.]
GRUNKA LUNKA #2
I heard that!
[The Grunka Lunka whimpers and runs away.]
[Slurm Factory Tunnel. The tunnel is lined with huge barrels
Now on your right, you'll see the Slurm
Master checking the Slurm for colour
[An old worm with a long, white beard holds a glass of Slurm.
Fry watches and licks his lips.]
Then he tastes it. He tastes it and
tastes it, then tastes it some more.
Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?
No food or drink allowed on the tour.
You'll have to wait until you're partying
with Slurms MacKenzie.
When will that be?
That's not soon enough.
Hey, what's behind that door?
[She points at a door with a "Keep Out" sign on it. It is guarded
by two worms.]
Is it the secret ingredient?
[Five Grunka Lunkas dance across in front of the door.]
(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient,
You should not ask about the secret ingredient.
OK, OK, we get the point.
I was just curious because of the armed
(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed
(shouting) Shut the hell up!
[Time Lapse. Fry sneaks to the back of the boat while Glurmo
talks to Hermes.]
So you're telling me I could fire my
whole staff and hire Grunka Lunkas at
half the cost?
That's right. They think they have a
good union but they don't. (whispering)
They're basically slaves.
[Fry leans over the back of the boat but can't quite reach the
What are you doing?
I'm dying of thirst. Grab my feet and
dunk my head in so I can drink.
No. That's moronic.
Fine. I'll let go and swim around in
the Slurm and drink as much as I want.
Help! I can't swim!
[He disappears under the water and Leela sighs and dives in after
him. Underwater, she swims towards Fry and pulls him back towards
the surface by his hair. She comes up gasping for air, followed
by a gasping Fry, followed by Bender who whistles.]
Bender, why did you jump in?
Everybody was doing it. I just wanted
to be popular.
[A whirlpool sucks them underwater and they scream. They are
pulled through a hole in the bottom of the Slurm river.]
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The trio fly out of a pipe and land on
a grate. Slurm pours out of the pipe and into the grate.]
Where are we?
And why is the Slurm pouring into this
[Fry wrings some Slurm from his hair into his mouth and spits
it straight out.]
This isn't Slurm at all!
Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon.
Look at this.
[On the other side of the cave are two doors. One marked "Real
Factory" and the other marked "Fake Factory".]
[Cut to: Slurm Factory Tunnel. Leela quietly opens the fake factory
door and they peer around it. It is the door from earlier that
was marked "Keep Out". On the other side one of the worm guards
smokes while another knits. A Grunka Lunka sleeps and two others
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. She closes it again.]
This all must have something to do with
the secret ingredient.
My God. What if the secret ingredient
... is people?
No. There's already a soda like that:
Oh. How is it?
It varies from person to person.
[Slurme Shoppe. In the gift shop the rest of the staff browse
the Slurm merchandise available. Amy looks at some worm keyrings
while Farnsworth looks at an Enjoy Slurm towel.]
[On the other side of the shop Glurmo watches Hermes look at
some worm mugs and Slurm T-shirts. He is already wearing a worm
blernsball cap. The T-shirt sizes range from S to M to L and
also Mutant which has four arms. Hermes leaves with his two-armed
T-shirt and Zoidberg inquires about a two-armed Hebrew Slurm
T-shirt he is wearing.]
Do you have any that aren't so tight
around the thorax?
Yes, over in-- Say, weren't there more
people in your group at the start of
Hey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are
[Glurmo narrows his eyes.]
If you'll excuse me.
[He slides out, leaving a trail of slime behind him. Amy turns
around with a box of Slurm glasses and slips on the slime and
falls over and screams. The glasses smash.]
[Wormulon Cave. Leela, Fry and Bender creep down the dark tunnels.
They see torchlight up ahead. Bender gasps.]
[They duck behind a rock. Two guards slide along the roof of
the cave with a torch and laser. They pass them without seeing
them and Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]
Look! Slurm! Finally! Oh, yeah! I'm
never going 12 minutes without a Slurm
It's the end of the line. This must
be where they put in the secret ingredient.
[Behind her is a door marked "Slurm Production Chamber".]
Well, whatever it is, it's even better
fresh. Mmm, still warm.
[Leela opens the door.]
[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. They walk in and gasp. In
the middle of the room is a huge worm wearing a crown and scoffing
handfuls of Wumpus berries. Some worms massage the middle of
her body and the secret ingredient comes out the other end of
her and into Slurm cans.]
[Fry gulps back some more Slurm.]
[He spits it out again and they watch the Slurm Queen producing
That's the secret ingredient of Slurm?
That's the only ingredient of Slurm.
[He consoles himself by drinking from the can again. Leela knocks
it out of his hand and the Slurm Queen turns around and roars.
She hits them with her back end and they duck out of the way.
She takes another swipe at Leela and she jumps out the way to
Fry and Bender. The Slurm Queen takes another swing and they
run out the door screaming. Fry runs back in to pick up the can
of Slurm but the Slurm Queen knocks it out of his hands. He groans
and runs out again.]
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The three run around a corner and guards
fire their lasers at them. They come to a ravine and nearly fall
I'll save us! Oh, that feels good!
[They reach the other side and Bender retracts his arms and legs.]
[Bender coughs and Fry and Leela reluctantly hand him some cash.]
[Time Lapse. They run around another corner.]
The exit! We made it.
[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. The "exit" leads back to where
Uh, your majesty, I brought the prisoners.
[Fry and Leela turn their heads towards him and Fry smiles. Glurmo
appears from behind the Slurm Queen.]
Well, my curious friends, you learned
the secret of Slurm. That concludes
the portion of the tour where you stay
You wish, you slimy worm! Heyya!
[She karate chops Glurmo's head off. The decapitated head grows
a body and the body grows a head, forming two Glurmos. A guard
hands the new head a hat. The Glurmos pin Leela to the floor.
Guards point lasers at Fry and Bender's backs. Bender groans.]
Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased
SMALL GLURMO #2
Thank you, your majesty.
SMALL GLURMO #1
How can you trick people into drinking
something that comes out of your behind?
Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind.
Milk comes from a cow's behind. And
have you ever used toothpaste?
Who's behind does that come from?
You don't wanna know.
Look, we just came to party with Slurms
MacKenzie. By the way, when is that
(shouting) Never! To the torture cave!
[Torture Cave. Bender has been tied to a conveyor belt. It moves
towards a machine which converts metal into Slurm cans.]
You, my metal friend, will have the
honour of becoming 174 Slurm cans.
Ah, this trip is turning into a big
[Leela is raised in a harness and suspended over a vat of purple
goo. The Glurmos stand by a control unit.]
As for you, you will be submerged in
Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes,
will transform you into a Slurm Queen
SMALL GLURMO #1
But, your highness, she's a commoner.
Her Slurm will taste foul.
Yes! Which is why we'll market it as
New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates
it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic,
and make billions!
[She and the Glurmos laugh. Small Glurmo #1 pushes a lever down
and Leela is lowered into the purple Slurm. Fry watches.]
What about me?
You are free to go ...
... if you can resist this concentrated
super Slurm! It's so delicious, you'll
eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds
me, put a tarp over that sofa, will
you? Bon appétit!
[One of the Glurmos forces a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's
mouth. Fry struggles then smiles.]
Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again
on winning the contest.
[She and the Glurmos laugh insanely and leave.]
Fry, untie us, quick!
Here I come. Let me just-- One more
[He takes three.]
You pig. Stop stuffing your craw and
[Fry walks towards her then changes his mind and sticks his head
into the tub. Bender moves closer to the machine.]
I can't see what's happening. Are we
Yeah, we're boned.
[Fry lifts his head out of the tub and looks around. He sees
Bender then Leela then looks back at the Slurm, A tear trickles
down his face and splashes into the Slurm.]
I can't stop eating this delicious ooze.
But I'm not gonna let you die.
[He moves towards the control unit, dragging the tub with him
and shovelling handfuls of Slurm into his mouth.]
What's happening? Just in time!
[He looks down and screams. There is a hole in the middle of
his casing. Fry looks through it. While he is distracted, Leela
tips the tub of Slurm over and it disappears down a drain.]
(screaming) Nooo! (talking) I could
fit if I didn't have these damn arms!
[He starts gnawing at his arms. Leela lifts him up off the floor.]
[Wormulon Cave. The trio run through the tunnel.]
We're close to the exit. I can smell
those filthy orange guys.
[Ahead of them is Slurms MacKenzie and the babes.]
Stop right there!
Shh! I want you to take me with you.
I'm partied out. All I want is to stay
home and rent videos and watch them
with a few friends. Is that so much
Forget it pal. It says on this bottle-cap
you have to party with us.
Alright, when we get to Earth. But please
don't invite too many people, I wanna
keep it small.
No can do, Slurms!
[He pats him on the back. The cave starts to shake and the Slurm
Queen bursts through the wall. Everyone screams.]
[He ushers them into another part of the cave. A sign above reads
"Danger Cave-In Area". The Slurm Queen follows but gets stuck.
She squirts some Slurm around her body as lubricant and squeezes
She's gaining on us.
[Slurms stops running.]
Go on without me, I'll hold her off.
[Everyone else stops.]
But she'll crush you like a worm ...
crushing a smaller worm.
It's alright. I'm so tired of partying.
So very tired. I'll save you the only
way I know how: By partying! Babes.
Yes, Mr. MacKenzie?
You've served me well these 40 years,
but this time I've got to party alone.
There'll be other parties for you. Now
[They run away and Slurms dances and the Slurm Queen closes in.
The tunnel starts to collapse and Slurms turns the volume up
to maximum. More rocks fall from the roof. Bender turns around.]
Party on, Slurms!
Party on, contest winners. Party on.
[Bigger rocks falls from above and they pile up in the tunnel.
One crushes Slurms and he yelps. The Slurm Queen slams into the
pile of rocks.]
No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting
[She cries. The Glurmos arrive in time to see her drinking her
[The Planet Express ship speeds away from Wormulon.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy sit on the couch,
Bender relaxes at his station while Fry and Farnsworth use the
Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific
discovery: It seems that Slurm is produced
in a colossal worm hiney!
[On the screen, the commissioner sits in his office in front
of a seal with "Bureau Of Soft Drinks, Tobacco, Firearms" written
Hmm, "hiney", you say? Why, with your
testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw
this insidious Slurm.
Outlaw Slurm? Uh, don't pay any attention
to him sir ...
[Cut to: Commissioner's Office.]
... Grandpa's making up crazy stories
I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle!
From the year 2000!
[Fry makes the cuckoo gesture.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
OK, grandpa, we'll take care of the
"bad worms," don't you worry.
[He grins and hangs up. Fry opens another can of Slurm.]
Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were
here to enjoy this with me.
Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party.
Whattya say we all party one last time
[Leela raises a can.]
[The rest raise their cans.]
(simultaneously) For Slurms!
(simultaneously) For Slurms!
(simultaneously) For Slurms!
(simultaneously) For Slurms!
[Slurms' music plays and the babes run in from the side and start
dancing. Bender drinks a can.]
Hey, that's not that bad.
[The Slurm trickles out of the hole in his casing. Fry is lying
on the floor underneath so the Slurm runs straight into his mouth.]