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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 214 

                        "HOW HERMES REQUISITIONED HIS GROOVE BACK"

                                           By

                                      Bill Odenkirk

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: As Foretold By Nostradamus.]

               
               [Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes takes a form out of the 
               in-tray.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Finally, the last form of the day. Welcome 
                         to stampy-town. Population - five!  
                         And now for the finishing touch.  Ah, 
                         the cycle of bureaucracy.  Sweet gorilla 
                         of Manila! A letter from the Central 
                         Bureaucracy!  (reading) Attention Hermes 
                         Conrad, you are about to recieve a letter 
                         from the Central Bureaucracy.  My God! 
                         It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with 
               their feet up watching TV. Enter Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm having a poker game tonight with 
                         some friends from my old cryogenics 
                         job. You guys interested?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll play.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm in.

               
               [Enter Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it 
                         is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're playing poker. but I'm warning 
                         you, my friends are serious players.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do 
                         the talking.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. A green card table has been set up in the middle 
               of the room. Leela rips open a packet of Crudités and pours a 
               powder onto the table. She adds water and a plant grows from 
               the powder and drops things like fruit and pretzels onto a tray. 
               Enter Hermes humming.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow, you look happy. Is someone fired?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Better. The Central Bureaucracy is conducting 
                         an inspection tomorrow. I'll finally 
                         be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest 
                         grade there is.
 
               
               [He starts to walk out the other door.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party. 
                         Stay and whip off a batch of your famous 
                         jerk dip.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Sorry. I spent all day putting my office 
                         in order. Now I got to go home and relax 
                         the traditional Jamaican way - a glass 
                         of warm milk and good night sleep.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda 
                         outer space potato man.
 
               
               [The doorbell rings.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Ah that must be my old boss.

               
               [Planet Express: Entrance. Leela opens the door. Enter Ipgee 
               in his cryogenics uniform.]
 
               
                                     IPGEE
                         Hello Leela, you're fired.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I know.

               
                                     IPGEE
                         I'm sorry but it's just that you're 
                         over a year late for work at this point.
 
                         
               
               [Enter Terry and Lou in their lab coats.]

               
                                     TERRY (DRAMATICALLY)
                         Let the games begin!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The poker players are sat around the 
               table.]
 
               
                                     IPGEE
                         So I told Leela, "Your request for a 
                         date is most flattering but I must decline." 
                         These office romances never work out. 
                         Afterall, that is how I met my horrible 
                         wife.
 
               
               [Everyone except Leela laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         But you never wore your ring. I didn't 
                         know you had a wife.
 
               
                                     IPGEE
                         And my wife doesn't know I have a job. 
                         I keep my personal and professional 
                         lives serparate.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         C'mon, let's deal. You'll have plenty 
                         of time to talk when you're poor.
 
                         
               
               [He puts on some shades.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What's with the specs Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         They're my lucky shades. I stole them 
                         off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing 
                         eye dog was taking a whiz.
 
               
               [He takes the deck from Ipgee, puts them in his mouth, shuffles 
               them and deals them by spitting them out around the table.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey!

               
               [Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender 
               spits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair. 
               Zoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I can't spell anything with these cards.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt 
               off his back. Bender on the other hand enjoys a winning streak 
               as he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in 
               front of him. He hums.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Finally, I have a good claw. See?  Three 
                         human females, a number and a king giving 
                         himself brain surgery.
 
               
               [Fry tuts.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It doesn't matter how many human females 
                         you have, Bender's on a hot streak.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, what can I say? Must be my lucky 
                         shades!  Nothing, nothing, crap, crap, 
                         garbage.  Read 'em and leak saltwater!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh man!

               
                                     TERRY
                         My baby's milk money!

               
               [Bender takes his winnings and chuckles.]

               
                                     IPGEE
                         Oh I am broke. What will I tell my horrible 
                         wife?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         If I were you I'd be more worried about 
                         that tapeworm going to town on your 
                         intestines.
 
               
               [He starts to shuffle the pack again.]

               
                                     IPGEE
                         Let me see those glasses.

               
               [Bender chokes on the cards and spits them out. Terry and Lou 
               stand up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Um...uh...

               
               [Ipgee takes the glasses and looks through them.]

               
                                     IPGEE
                         Oh my various gods! X-Ray specs!

               
               [Bender scoops up his winnings and starts backing away from the 
               cryogenisists.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Guys, I swear those are prescription. 
                         I need them for reading stuff - on the 
                         other side of stuff.
 
               
               [He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]

               
                                     LOU
                         Cheater!

               
                                     IPGEE
                         Get him!

               
                                     TERRY
                         Break his neck!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No don't hurt him! He's my best friend!
 
                         
               
               [Bender pushes him over and legs it.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Bender stops outside Hermes' 
               office, hides inside and closes the door behind him. Ipgee, Terry 
               and Lou follow him.]
 
               
               
               [Outside Planet Express. The next morning Hermes walks into the 
               building, changes the sign from "Closed" to "Opening Soon" to 
               "Open."]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Hermes walks towards his office 
               and opens the door. Files and papers fall out.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Great cow of Moscow!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office. The room is a wreck. 
               Electrical things sizzle, filing cabinets are overturned and 
               papers are littered around the room. Bender is in pieces. His 
               head pops out of his body.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh! I'll never pass inspection now! 
                         They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick 
                         - at carnival time.  (crying) And that's 
                         as low as limbo sticks get.
 
               
               [Fry puts his hand on Hermes' shoulder.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aw hey c'mon don't worry. We'll watch 
                         you clean up.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         It's too late. The inspector will be 
                         here in exactly one second.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. The door opens and a woman 
               wearing a dark green suit walks in. Her hair is in a tight bun 
               and she wears glasses.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Who the hell are you?

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Morgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36.
 
                         
               
               [They exchange papers and stamp them.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin 
                         the inspection?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         This way please.

               
               [He ushers her into his office.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]

               
                                     FRY (WHISPERING)
                         Jeez Hermes, you seem awfully calm about 
                         this.
 
               
                                     HERMES (WHISPERING)
                         Don't worry. I have a plan.

               
               [Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Hermes stands on the railings 
               around the balcony.]
 
               
                                     HERMES (SHOUTING)
                         I'm going to jump!

               
               [The crew look up from street level.]

               
                                     AMY (SHOUTING)
                         No!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG (SHOUTING)
                         No!

               
                                     BENDER (SHOUTING)
                         Do a flip!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     LEELA (SHOUTING)
                         Don't do it Hermes! You have so much 
                         to live for!
 
               
               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]

               
               Farnsworth (shouting) ...Other people need it you know.

               
               [At street level LaBarbara's car screeches to a stop.]

               
                                     LABARBARA (SHOUTING)
                         Husband! Nooo!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Outta my way wife...!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         ...I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat 
                         anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the 
                         time. I'm not worthy to stamp a form. 
                         So I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby 
                         body.
 
               
                                     MORGAN (SHOUTING)
                         Bureaucrat Conrad...!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     MORGAN (SHOUTING)
                         ...If you complete your death transaction 
                         with out filing a suicide and/or falling 
                         accident permit, you will be posthumously 
                         demoted.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Life. Death. Either way I'm demoted 
                         to a tiny cubicle.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes sits at the table shaking.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet something of...of someplace.
 
                         
               
                                     MORGAN
                         As your superior I hereby relieve you 
                         of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh! The ultimate penalty.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I recommend the health cure on Spa 5, 
                         the sauna planet. Here, read.
 
               
               [He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         Spa 5? Is it good?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything 
                         about it but they send me a bucket of 
                         krill for every patient I send.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat 
                         to fill in for Hermes while he's away. 
                         I assign me, I accept, welcome aboard.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Then it's settled. Hermes will relax 
                         and Zoidberg will eat! Hurrah!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Morgan's Office. Morgan changes Hermes' name 
               thing so it has her name on it. Fry, Leela and Bender are with 
               her.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         I've been reviewing your corporate records. 
                         Regarding last Monday's delivery, why 
                         did it take twice as long as scheduled?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY (ASHAMED)
                         I thought it would fit.

               
               [Morgan scribbles something down on a piece of paper.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         And during this period of head-crater 
                         interaction, what were you doing?
 
                         
               
               [She points at Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Martini drinking contests with the autopilot. 
                         I would've had him this time but we 
                         ran out of olives.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I can explain.

               
                                     MORGAN
                         You really think you can explain how 
                         you left port without a full compliment 
                         of olives? I think not.
 
               
                                     LEELA (QUIETLY)
                         What is this, high school?

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Locker check!

               
               [Planet Express: Locker Room. Morgan opens Leela's locker. There 
               is a small purple bag on the top shelf and Leela's green jacket 
               is hanging in the bottom. The zip is halfway up the coat. Or 
               halfway down. Depends how you view life.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical 
                         order?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     MORGAN
                         The zipper. It should be at the bottom.
 
                         
               
               [She pulls it down and closes the locker. She opens Bender's 
               locker. On the shelf is a nut. She picks it up and shakes her 
               head.]
 
               
                                     BENDER (ASHAMED)
                         Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.

               
               [Morgan closes his locker and opens Fry's. Loads of empty cans 
               fall out and Slurm dribbles over them. Some socks and a blernsball 
               cap fall out too and flies buzz around the pile of rubbish. Morgan 
               steps back and looks horrified.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         I - I've never seen anything like this. 
                          Why is there yoghurt in this cap?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, I can explain that. See, it used 
                         to be milk and, well, time makes fools 
                         of us all.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         You are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak 
                         to you alone.
 
               
               [Fry gasps as Bender and Leela walk out and Morgan locks the 
               door.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh wait, this is the other Fry's locker. 
                         I'm Phry with a "Ph."
 
               
               
               [Fry gasps and pushes Morgan away.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What the hell's going on? I thought 
                         you were anti-dirty not pro-dirty.
 
                         
               
               [She pushes him against the lockers.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         I'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday. 
                         There's nothing kinkier to me than a 
                         filthy slop-jock like you!
 
               
                                     FRY (BASHFUL)
                         Oh stop!

               
               [She kisses him again then moves away and puts her glasses back 
               on.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Now listen you filthy pig. No-one can 
                         know about us. If anyone asks I'll deny 
                         it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Just like very other girl I've dated.
 
                         
               
               [Outside Spa 5 Fitness Camp. From outside the building looks 
               like a pleasant fitness spa with nice trees and a sunny sky. 
               The sign indicates it is recommended by Dr Zoidberg.]
 
               
               [Spa 5 Fitness Camp. A woman keeps everyone fit and healthy...]
 
               
               
               
               [The fitness camp is a huge mine. People there looking to get 
               healthy chip away at the walls of the mines. LaBarbara peddles 
               on a bike which powers a conveyor belt and carries away everything 
               the miners chip off the walls.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Curse that Dr Zoidberg! If I get out 
                         of here, he'll be looking down the business 
                         end of a shrimp fork!
 
               
               [An Australian guy dressed in a vest and a hat turns around.]
 
               
               
                                     AUSTRALIAN GUY
                         Give him one for me too mate. I don't 
                         know why I go to him.
 
               
               [A laser bolt flies past the two and hits the mine wall.]

               
               
               [They work harder.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Morgan, Farnsworth, Leela, Fry 
               and Bender are sat around the table.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         ...and for those six and a half reasons, 
                         I am demoting Leela to co-pilot.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Co-pilot? Under who?

               
                                     MORGAN
                         The autopilot.

               
                                     LEELA
                         That drunk?!

               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Mr Bender you are now in charge of co-ordinating 
                         the Professor's bodily functions.
 
                         
               
               [Bender suddenly stops laughing.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's a full time job.

               
                                     MORGAN
                         And Fry, as for you, I am promoting 
                         you to executive delivery boy. You will 
                         no longer go on deliveries and you will 
                         have your own office next to mine.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         All right!

               
               [He stands up and looks at Leela for a high five. She doesn't 
               respond. He turns to Bender. He doesnt respond either.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Mr Bender would you high five him so 
                         we can continue this meeting?  And on 
                         the rebound?  Meeting adjourned.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry has his feet up on his desk 
               and drinks a can of Slurm. He burps and wipes his mouth with 
               his tie.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I can't figure why she's so nice to 
                         you Fry.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         She's a hateful monster this Morgan. 
                         She scolded and hit me. I tell you she's 
                         risking my friendship with her.
 
               
               [Enter Bender covered in mud and twigs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, what happened to you?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Morgan made me walk the Professor. There 
                         we were in the park when suddenly some 
                         old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked 
                         the Professor at her but she kept on 
                         coming. So had to hit her with this 
                         purse I found. Ah, the point is it's 
                         Morgan's fault. That pencil pushing 
                         scazwag.  Why if she were here I'd - 
                         Uh oh is she behind me?
 
               
               [He feels behind his head.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         No. I'm in front of you!

               
               [Bender squeals.]

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The doorbell rings and Fry answers 
               it. Morgan is there.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Morgan? It's 3am.

               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage 
                         and suddenly all I could think of was 
                         you.  My God, it's so...repulsive.  
                         So uh, this is where you eat?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Eat and sleep.

               
               [He pulls the sheet away.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Oh Fry!

               
               [She kisses him and pushes him onto the bed.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh wait, Bender's my rooommate. He could 
                         be back any second.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Not likely. I ordered him to flush out 
                         the Professor's earwax.
 
               
               [She takes off her glasses, pulls her hair out of the bun and 
               starts unbuttoning her suit.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender approaches his 
               apartment holding something and walks in.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey Fry, I made you a candle with - 
                          What the?  Oh now I see! Now I get 
                         it. Now the pieces are falling into 
                         place. The office, the promotion, that 
                         dwarf in my book club who steals my 
                         opinions.  It's all coming together 
                         now!
 
               
               [Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Morgan zooms off in a taxi.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I must say this opens my eyes! Another 
                         case closed my dear Watson.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Morgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         For I was blind but now I see!

               
               [Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     BENDER [FROM INSIDE]
                         The cat's out of the bag now!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Fry's Office. Bender leans back in a 
               chair with a cigar in his mouth.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Mr Bender about last night. that was 
                         just a...a misunderstanding.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh you didn't understand? Well let me 
                         explain. You......were having sex with 
                         you.
 
               
               [He points at Morgan.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         No. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank 
                         isn't supposed to fraternize.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's what makes it so juicy. Its the 
                         forbidden fruit angle everybody loves. 
                         First I'll say "You'll never guess who 
                         saw Fry and Morgan doing it!" and they'll 
                         say "Who Bender, who?" and I'll say 
                         "It was lovable......old Bender."
 
                         
               
               [Morgan has put something in the back of his neck. A 3.5" disk 
               comes out of the back of Bender's head and Morgan takes it.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, what did you do to him?

               
                                     MORGAN
                         I downloaded his brain. Everything that 
                         is Bender is right here. His mind, his 
                         memories, his in-your-face interface.
 
                         
               
               
                                     FRY
                         But, but...Bender need brain...for...smart 
                         making!  What did you do now? Stop doing 
                         things!
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         I sent the disk to be filed at the Central 
                         Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do 
                         Fry. He was a bad robot.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, he was a bad friend. I want him 
                         back right now.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Then you should have filed a request 
                         20 years ago.
 
               
               [Fry growls.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.
 
                         
               
               [He slides everything off his desk. Morgan grins.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Dirty boy! Dirty boy!

               
               [She dives on him.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Morgan is gone and the rest of the crew are there.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         You and Morgan were having an affair?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I couldn't help it. She loved me because 
                         of the part of me that's a slob and 
                         I loved her because of the part of me 
                         that's desperate.
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Poor Bender. Without his brain he's 
                         become all quiet and helpful. We've 
                         got to go to the Central Bureaucracy 
                         and get that disk back!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh yes we must, yes.

               
               [There is a long pause.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Why?

               
               [Everyone looks around trying to think.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, those arguments aside, we're still 
                         going.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You can't just waltz into the Central 
                         Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red 
                         tape and regulations. I've never been 
                         but a friend of mine went completely 
                         mad trying to find the washroom there.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's 
                         been there before.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh I've been there. Lot's of times!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs insanely.]

               
               [Spa 5 Fitness Camp. Hermes watches the Australian guy pushing 
               a mining cart.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Look at that. The carts go out full 
                         but they come in empty. It's criminally 
                         inefficient.
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         But don't you see? They could increase 
                         efficiency 4% if they used the empty 
                         carts to haul in heavy mining machinery.
 
                         
               
               
               [He pulls a chain and a huge drill head falls into Australian 
               Guy's cart. He grumbles.]
 
               
                                     AUSTRALIAN GUY
                         Oh Lord!

               
               
               [Hermes smiles.]

               
               [Outside Central Bureaucracy. The building is a huge white cube 
               with "Central Bureaucracy Est. 2159 A.D. License Pending" engraved 
               on it. The queue to get in snakes back for miles. Fry, Leela, 
               Farnsworth, Amy and Bender join the end of it behind an old man 
               with a Methusala-like beard.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, how long is this gonna take?

               
                                     OLD MAN
                         I'm still waiting on my birth certificate.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well it doesn't look like I'll make 
                         it inside with the rest of you. Uh but 
                         good luck. Just leave me where I drop.
 
                         
               
               [The queue moves backwards.]

               
                                     OLD MAN
                         Oh great, someone had a baby!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on, I have a better idea.

               
               [Time Lapse. The crew are right outside the building now. Leela 
               talks to a grade 53 bureaucrat.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Excuse me? We're from the Planet Express 
                         delivery company. We're here to deliver 
                         a robot.
 
               
               
               [The bureaucrat laughs.]

               
                                     GRADE 53
                         Looks like we've got a new office cut 
                         up!
 
               
               [He opens a door and the crew walk inside.]

               
               [Cut to: Central Bureaucracy Corridor. The corridors are lined 
               with thousands of filing cabinets and message tubes snake around 
               overhead with red tubes flying through them. A bureaucrat screams.]
 
               
               
                                     GRADE 41
                         Look out, look out! I'm going to crash 
                         my slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid 
                         you.
 
               
               [He slowly heads for a pile of boxes.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         While you're crashing, could you tell 
                         us where all these canisters end up?
 
                         
               
                                     GRADE 41
                         Oh you want Central Filing.

               
               [The grateful crew walk on.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK.

               
                                     FRY
                         OK.

               
                                     AMY
                         OK thanks.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wonderful.

               
                                     GRADE 41 (SCREAMING)
                         Nooo!

               
               [He eventually hits the pile of boxes and they wobble.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The crew ask a grade 20 for directions.]

               
                                     GRADE 20
                         Central Filing? Of course I know where 
                         that is. I'm a grade 20.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Where is it?

               
                                     GRADE 20
                         I can't tell you. What do I look like? 
                         A grade 16?
 
               
               [A red tube lands next to Leela. She sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're getting nowhere slowly. Here, 
                         I'll address this to the Central Filing 
                         room.  Then we'll track it using my 
                         wrist-lojack-amater.
 
               
               [She sends the tube away and points her wrist thing around.]
 
               
               
                                     WRIST THING
                         Cold. Cold. Warmer. Hot hot hot hot 
                         hot hot.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The crew run through a dark corridor following the 
               message tube. A huge metal door in front of them starts to close. 
               They duck under it and Leela drags Farnsworth through. Bender 
               walks straight through it leaving a Bender-shaped hole.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The crew pass a sleeping Beholder-like creature 
               from Dungeons & Dragons. Bender walks into it. It wakes up, growls 
               and starts shooting blue lights from the things on it's head. 
               The crew walk out and the Behold - another bureaucrat shouts 
               after them.]
 
               
                                     GRADE 11
                         Please don't tell my supervisor I was 
                         sleeping.
 
               
               [Outside Central Filing. The crew stop outside the door.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         This is it. We'll just run in, grab 
                         Bender's disk and run out. Got it?
 
                         
               
               [The crew nod in agreement. Leela opens the door and everyone 
               gasps.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Central Filing. The message tubes all converge in the 
               middle of the room and there are tens of thousands of red tubes 
               in a huge pile. The room towers so high into the air that there 
               is a bi-plane flying around the clouds near the ceiling.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We'll never find that disk will we Bender?
 
                         
               
               
                                     FRY
                         You're right. Nothing is over so long 
                         as there's one thin ray of hope.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Lost something?  I should have known 
                         you'd come here rather than follow proper 
                         procedure. And I did know. And that's 
                         why I came here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Listen Morgan, We're through, you're 
                         an evil heartless woman and I never 
                         wanna see you again. However would you 
                         help us get Bender back for old times 
                         sake?
 
               
               [Morgan points at the pile of red tubes.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         I'm afraid he's lost in the master in 
                         pile. And it would take some sort of 
                         giant mechanical atomic powered sorting 
                         machine to find him.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         You rang?

               
               [On another level of Central Filing Hermes and LaBarbara spin 
               around in a swivel chair.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Dammit Hermes, just jump already. Stop 
                         hogging that healthy liver.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         No, I want to live. Organising that 
                         forced labour spa rekindled my lifelong 
                         love of bureaucracy.
 
               
                                     LABARBARA
                         My Hermes got that hellhole running 
                         so efficiently that all the physical 
                         labour is now done by a single Australian 
                         man.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But how did you know we were here?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Dr Zoidberg brought us.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It was me, I'm the hero!

               
               [The bi-plane flies past Zoidberg and stops next to the crew. 
               The wings are a desk and behind it a small man sits.]
 
               
                                     NUMBER 1.0
                         Request for explanantion of incident 
                         meeting?
 
               
               [The bureaucrats gasp and duck behind their desks. Morgan gasps.]
 
               
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Number 1.0.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Number 1.0, I hereby petition you for 
                         an emergency sort-and-file, under regulation 
                         2 point -
 
               
               [Number 1.0 waggles his finger at Hermes.]

               
                                     NUMBER 1.0
                         Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired 
                         the committee that reviewed the recommendation 
                         to revise the colour of the book that 
                         regulation's in. We kept it grey.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Sir please, I must located the disk 
                         with my friend's brain on it.
 
               
                                     NUMBER 1.0
                         Very well. But your bureaucratic licence 
                         will be revoked if you fail to sort 
                         the master in pile by closing time. 
                         1pm.
 
               
               [Leela looks up at a clock. It is 12:56pm.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's only four minutes from now.
 
                         
               
               [Hermes takes off his jacket.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Requisition me a beat.

               
               [Number 1.0 turns on some music and Hermes slides down a tube 
               into the in pile.]
 
               
               (singing) When I was born there was a hurricane in Kingston Town
 
               
               With a foot and a half of water.

               Everyone was alright but I cried all night

               It blew my alphabet blocks out of order.

               And they said "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,

               Born to be all obsessive and snotty."

               I made my friends and relations file long applications

               To get into my 10th birthday party.

               
               [He scoops up some red tubes, slides down a tube and drops them 
               into some filing cabinets. LaBarbara pop up from one of them.]
 
               
               
                                     LABARBARA (SINGING)
                         But something changed when my man turn 
                         pro.
 
               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
 
                         
               
               [He throws a tube to LaBarbara and she catches it.]

               
                                     LABARBARA (SINGING)
                         He forgot that it's not about badges 
                         and ranks.
 
               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         It's supposed to be about the filing! 
                         People!
 
               
               [He jumps onto Number 1.0's desk and starts juggling the tubes.]
 
               
               
               We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,

               No that's what almighty Jah made us!

               We treat people like swine,

               And make 'em stand in line,

               Even if nobody paid us!

               
               [He dives off the desk into the pile of red tubes.]

               
               They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,

               They say we're anal, compulsive and weird.

               But when push comes to shove,

               You gotta do what you love,

               Even if it's not a good idea! [He slides down the pile and throws 
               the red tubes around the crew like a knife thrower.] Zoidberg!
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG (SINGING)
                         They said I probably shouldn't be a 
                         surgeon.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH (SINGING)
                         They poo-pooed my electric frankfurter.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA (SINGING)
                         They said I probably shouldn't fly with 
                         just one eye.
 
               
               [A tube hits her in the eye.]

               
               
               [Hermes inserts a message tube and Bender bends it sending the 
               red tubes flying off in a different direction. Hermes rips off 
               his shirt revealing a grooby Jamaican shirt underneath.]
 
               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         Everybody sing Jamaica!

               
               [He limbos under the flying tubes.]

               
                                     EVERYBODY (SINGING)
                         Jamaica!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

               
                                     BUREACRATS (SINGING)
                         Jamaica!

               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         The grade 19s!

               
               [Morgan looks around and reluctantly joins in.]

               
                                     MORGAN
                         Jamaica.

               
               [Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats.]

               
                                     HERMES (SINGING)
                         Sing me home!

               When push comes to shove,

               You gotta do what you love,

               Even if it's not a good idea!

               
               [He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws 
               it into Bender's head. Bender's personality reactivates.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm Bender baby, please insert liquor!
 
                         
               
               [The crew cheer Hermes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Congratulations.

               
                                     NUMBER 1.0
                         Congratulations indeed but you finshed 
                         with one second to spare so I'm demoting 
                         you. A good bureaucrat never finishes 
                         early.
 
               
               [He changes Hermes' badge from 36 to 38.]

               
                                     AMY
                         That's OK Hermes. At least we have you 
                         back.
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         Not yet you don't. I'm still acting 
                         bureaucrat of Planet Express. And I 
                         have some changes to make. First, Fry, 
                         you're fired. Second -
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Not so fast! When I was sortin' I came 
                         upon a certain document filed by one 
                         Morgan Proctor.  Form B: Notification 
                         Of Romantic Entanglement.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's right, she fraternized me!

               
                                     MORGAN
                         That form isn't about you. It refers 
                         to my high school prom date. It was 
                         a regulation date that ended in regulation 
                         disappointment.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Yes but you only stamped it four times!
 
                         
               
               [He slaps the paper down on Number 1.0's desk and the bureaucrats 
               gasp. Morgan is horrifed and steps away from the desk.]
 
               
                                     MORGAN
                         No! No! I was young and reckless.

               
               [Number 1.0 looks at the form.]

               
                                     NUMBER 1.0
                         Bureaucrat Conrad you are technically 
                         correct - the best kind of correct. 
                         I hereby promote you to grade 37.  And 
                         as for you. (shouting) Guards!  (talking) 
                         Bring me the forms I need to fill out 
                         to have her taken away!
 
               
               [He takes off in his desk and flies away.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, it looks like I'll be needing 
                         my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely 
                         reduced pay of course.
 
               
               [The crew cheer.]

               
                                     LABARBARA
                         It's better than nothing!

               
                                     FRY
                         What about me? Can I come back at severely 
                         reduced pay?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         You got it mon! In fact, severely reduced 
                         pay all around!  Come on wife, let's 
                         blow this joint!
 
               
               [She jumps on and they kiss and hover off somewhere.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Now it's time for my song! (singing) 
                         When I was two there was a tidal wave 
                         in -
 
               
               THE END

               
               
               

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back



Writers :   Bill Odenkirk
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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