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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 103 

                                       "I, ROBOT"

                                           By

                                      Eric Horsted

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table. 
               The other staff are sat around it for a morning meeting. His 
               alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's 
               antenna down.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey!

               
               [He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it 
               looks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence 
               Of Memory.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Fry, mon, if you're going to be living 
                         in the office you could at least be 
                         on time for work.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sorry. I was up really late poking 
                         through people's desks.
 
               
               [He gets up and climbs off the table.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Alright, people. I will now outline 
                         today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin 
                         with point one then race forward --
 
                         
               
               [He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry is pouring himself a huge 
               bowl of Bachelor Chow. He turns the tap on and covers it in water.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in 
               his underwear.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's 
                         been leaving food around and it's attracting 
                         owls. And I, for one, am getting tired 
                         of cleaning those owl traps.  Now......as 
                         this shocking graph indicates, our water 
                         consumption has tripled in the last 
                         month. I notice Fry has been here for 
                         a month, so I'm appointing him head 
                         of a committee to find who's responsible. 
                         Fry?  Am I cracking up, or is Fry's 
                         living here starting to get in the way 
                         of bus -
 
               
               [He is interrupted again by Fry, who is drying his hair using 
               the ships engine. Leela runs over and hits the emergency shutdown 
               button.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What the hell are you doing?! You're 
                         getting a huge dose of radiation!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                          And great lift!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Do you know how long it's going to take 
                         me to recalibrate these engines?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, when you look this good, you don't 
                         have to know anything.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is looking for 
               something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Professor, We need to talk to you about 
                         Fry.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's right, we want some money -- 
                         wait, what's this about Fry?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         He's a nice guy but we think it's about 
                         time he got his own place.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. 
                         Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. 
                         I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. 
                          This sarcophagus should contain the 
                         remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled 
                         Zubin 5 over 29 million years ago.
 
                         
               
               [Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Professor, great jerky!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         My God, this is an outrage! I was going 
                         to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching 
               TV.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Bachelor chow: Now with flavour!

               
               [Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.]

               
                                     COMMENTATOR
                          And Bigfoot is down!

               
                                     FRY
                         Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 
                         have anything good on.
 
               
               [He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert 
               on the screen.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          All My Circuits is brought to you by 
                         Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for 
                         a robot.
 
               
               [The picture changes to two robots - Calculon and Monique - sitting 
               on a bench.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          I've been processing this for some 
                         time, Monique, and well, will you marry 
                         me?
 
               
                                     MONIQUE
                          Oh, Calculon!  It fits! Then you must 
                         know that I'm --
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Metric? I've always known. But for 
                         you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
 
                         
               
               [They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.

               
               [Enter Leela and Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry, we've got to discuss your living 
                         arrangements.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We've all talked it over and --

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, All My Circuits! Move over.  Ahh!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people 
                         do inconsiderate things without realising 
                         it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I know but I forgive you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean 
                         this office...
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh-huh.

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...and by "people" I mean you!

               
                                     FRY
                         Right.

               
                                     LEELA
                         And by "inconsiderate" I mean --

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela! We're trying to watch TV.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise 
                         hole?
 
               
               [She sighs and walks out.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So, who's that weird-looking guy?

               
                                     BENDER
                         That's a human.

               
                                     FRY
                         What's he do?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, 
                         he learns, he loves.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Boring!

               
               [On the TV a door opens and Calculon walks in.]

               
                                     HUMAN FRIEND
                          Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                          That's what I wanted you to think with 
                         your soft, human brain.
 
               
               [From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room starts getting 
               further away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
 
                         
               
               [Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the 
               couch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the 
               couch outside the front door and go back inside.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         We'll bill you for the couch.

               
               [Food-O-Mat. A small café where customers sit at tables and select 
               their food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Cheer up, meatbag, you've barely touched 
                         your amoeba.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It looked good but I just don't feel 
                         like eating. You want it?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I 
                         need plenty of wholesome, nutritious 
                         alcohol.  The chemical energy keeps 
                         my fuel cells charged.
 
               
               [He lights a cigar.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What are the cigars for?

               
                                     BENDER
                         They make me look cool.

               
               [Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe they threw me out like 
                         that. I must have been really acting 
                         like a jerk.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, 
                         this jerk.  That's my philosophy. So, 
                         where you gonna stay?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't know. Do refrigerators still 
                         come in cardboard boxes?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. 
                         Why don't you just come move in with 
                         me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Really? That'd be great! You sure I 
                         won't be imposing?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, I've always wanted a pet.

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run 
               down place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much 
               space between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Here we are. Your new home.

               
                                     FRY
                         Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a 
                         robot's apartment before.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and 
               turns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a 
               very tight squeeze.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Let's see, where to start. OK, this 
                         is the TV area, that over there's the 
                         breakfast nook, and over here is where 
                         you'll be living which is great because, 
                         until now, it's just been wasted space.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         It's kinda cramped in here. I don't 
                         even have room to hang my clothes.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Look, pal, you've only got one set of 
                         clothes and you're not taking them off 
                         while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
 
                         
               
               [He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, Bender. Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (sleep-talking) Kill all humans...kill 
                         all humans...must kill all the humans.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, wake up!

               
               [He wakes up and yawns.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I was having the most wonderful dream. 
                         I think you were in it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, listen, Bender, uh, where's your 
                         bathroom?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bath what?

               
                                     FRY
                         Bathroom.

               
                                     BENDER
                         What room?

               
                                     FRY
                         Bathroom!

               
                                     BENDER
                         What what?

               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, never mind!

               
               [He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (sleep-talking) Hey, sexy mama...wanna 
                         kill all the humans?
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy are working on the ships 
               port wing. Bender walks past whistling.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We sure are cheerful this morning.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, this past week with Fry's been 
                         a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm, 
                         sunny exterior, beats the cold, mechanical 
                         heart of a robot.
 
               
               [Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         What happened to you?

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put 
                         in carpeting yesterday so now my head 
                         hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise 
                         you're standing at a weird angle?  Now 
                         you're OK.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've 
                         got to find a new place to live.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (sexily) Is that an invitation?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously, 
                         you've got to tell Bender you're moving 
                         out.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, but he might get kind of upset. 
                         I don't think I can do that to him.
 
                         
               
               [Bender comes back.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, there's my little space heater.
 
                         
               
               [Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another 
               laugh and then sighs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I'm moving out!

               
               [Bender laughs then realises what Fry has said.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What?!

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just 
                         not enough room.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Not enough room? My place is two cubic 
                         metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic 
                         metres. We've got room for a whole nother 
                         two-thirds of a person.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What if I just helped the two of you 
                         find a bigger apartment?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't know. I've got a lot of great 
                         memories in my old place.  And now they're 
                         gone.
 
               
               [Underwater Apartment.]

               
                                     LANDLORD #1
                         Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da 
                         above-ground places. But if you like 
                         dank, hey, forget about it!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         At least it's got a great view.

               
               [A giant squid swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela 
               scream.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What the?

               
               [The squids tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord 
               takes a knife out of his boot.]
 
               
                                     LANDLORD #1
                         Excuse me, I gotta go change a lightbulb.
 
                         
               
               [He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.]
 
               
               
               [Surreal Apartment.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow! Now this is fantastic!

               
               [The apartment is built in the style of the Escher picture Relativity.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm, I'm not sure we want to pay for 
                         a dimension we're not going to use.
 
                         
               
               [Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across 
               the stairs...]
 
               
               [Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I give up. What's the catch?
 
                         
               
                                     LANDLORD #3
                         Oh, no catch. Although we are technically 
                         in New Jersey.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the 
               table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Not one place even remotely liveable.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly...? 
                         To shreds, you say. Well, how is his 
                         wife holding up...? To shreds, you say. 
                         Very well then.  Sad, sad, terrible, 
                         gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. 
                         Mobootu.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Was his apartment rent-controlled?
 
                         
               
               [Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper 
               floor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short, 
               wears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the 
               new tenants around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, this is beautiful.

               
                                     BENDER
                         What's with all the crap?

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's not crap.

               
                                     HATTIE
                         Dr. Mobootu collected this crap while 
                         he was exploring the watcha-call-it...universe!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, this place has everything except 
                         the only thing I care about: A TV.
 
                         
               
                                     HATTIE
                         It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it...idiot!
 
                         
               
               [She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big 
               TV.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't 
                         feel like home. It just isn't...cosy. 
                          Ahh, I can barely move.   It's perfect!
 
                         
               
               [Montage Scene. Fry and Bender clear out all the crap from the 
               apartment to the theme of The Odd Couple. Fry sweeps a load of 
               junk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with 
               a poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster 
               of a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar. 
               Fry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry 
               uses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen) 
               photo of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, it's a total sty! For the first 
                         time in a thousand years, I feel like 
                         I'm home.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun! 
                         Y'know Fry, of all the friends I've 
                         had, you're the first.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff are arriving 
               at the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Hey, mon!

               
               [Zoidberg walks in an burbles something.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Happy housewarming, Fry!  It's a miniature 
                         fruit salad tree.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh!  Hey, Amy!

               
                                     AMY
                         Hey!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This is for you, Fry  Zevulon the Great. 
                         He's teriyaki style.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag and guzzles down a can 
               of beer. He tosses the empty can on a huge pile of cans.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow, heavy drinking crowd!  I'd better 
                         go out for more beer.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about 
                         to start!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I know, but I need alcohol to power 
                         up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding 
                         doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally 
                         and electrically drained.
 
               
               [He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static. 
               He nudges the screen and All My Circuits comes on. He thumbs-ups.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey!

               
               [Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         These are mighty tasty!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Thank you, I made them myself.

               
               [Hermes chokes and spits the claws out.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Shh, the wedding's about to start!
 
                         
               
                                     PRIESTBOT
                          If anyone here objects to this union, 
                         let them speak now or forever hold their 
                         --
 
               
               [He is interrupted by some beeping. It is the same robot that 
               was in the bushes when Calculon proposed.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Is he objecting or backing up?

               
                                     AMY
                         Looks like both.

               
                                     CALCULON
                          I'm afraid my half-brother is correct. 
                         You see, I have a terrible secret and 
                         that secret is --
 
               
               [Bender walks in and the picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, this isn't right.

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, come on!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Fix it!

               
               [Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back 
               in with beer.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey what happened to the TV?

               
                                     FRY
                         It just went out.

               
                                     BENDER
                         This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell 
                         at the manager!
 
               
               [He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Alright!

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Come back, Bender, its working!
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                          To reiterate, my terrible secret is 
                         --
 
               
               [Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         It's out again.

               
                                     BENDER
                         What? That's the last straw!

               
                                     FRY
                         It's back on!

               
               [Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again. 
               Everyone groans.]
 
               
                                     HATTIE
                         Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into 
                         what you're doing in here with the crab 
                         and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese 
                         girl but everyone on this floor is having 
                         trouble with their TV reception.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's 
                         causing it or we're outta this dump!
 
                         
               
                                     HATTIE
                         Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find 
                         the source of the interference.
 
               
               [She points a thing around the apartment and it beeps slowly. 
               She points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other 
               tenants come in, complaining about their TV's. Hattie points 
               the thing at Bender's antenna again.]
 
               
                                     TENANT #1
                         What's going on?

               
                                     TENANT #2
                         We want our TV back!

               
                                     HATTIE
                         There's your problem.

               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, my God, Bender, it's your thingy!
 
                         
               
                                     RANDY
                         Then get rid of it!

               
                                     TENANT #1
                         Get out!

               
                                     BENDER
                         You people are nuts. My antenna never 
                         interfered with my old TV.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You had cable. This is satellite.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted 
                         on the same frequency.
 
               
                                     TENANT #2
                         They're on my cell phone too.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Madam, I believe you're mistaken!

               
               [She turns her phone on. Bender's thoughts are indeed on it.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                          Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat 
                         ass!
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         The robot has to go!

               
                                     TENANT #1
                         Yeah.

               
                                     TENANT #3
                         Get him out of here!

               
                                     HATTIE
                         Well, you heard the mob!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that 
                         apartment that smelled like a sewer. 
                         You liked that one, right?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's tempting, but, well, I am already 
                         kinda settled in here.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Or we could live underground with the 
                         mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's 
                         boss!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, listen, is there maybe some way 
                         we could do this with you going and 
                         me not going?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't understand.

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, you were gonna live in the closet 
                         anyway. Won't you be just as happy back 
                         in your old place?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         But, then we wouldn't be roommates.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll come visit sometime. And you can 
                         visit me here.
 
               
                                     HATTIE
                         No he can't.

               
                                     FRY
                         Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This 
                         way we'll both be happy.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (downbeat) Happy. Yeah, that's Bender. 
                         Always happy.
 
               
               [Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.]

               
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, the TV's back on!

               
                                     PRIESTBOT
                          We are gathered here to mourn the death 
                         of Calculon; Industrialist, private 
                         eye, friend.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Mind if I give the eulogy?

               
               [Monique gasps.]

               
                                     MONIQUE
                          Calculon! You're alive!

               
               [Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.]

               
                                     RANDY
                         Calculon's back!

               
               [Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Right, so long.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Goodbye.

               
                                     AMY
                         (crying) Do you think Calculon's evil 
                         twin will ever walk again?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.
 
                         
               
               [Amy slips over again.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, thanks for coming.

               
               [He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces 
               it back open.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How 
                         could you let that mob kick him out?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Only when he's in them and you know 
                         it. You really hurt his feelings.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Don't girl me with that girl stuff. 
                         Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have 
                         feelings.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender's not a guy, he's a robot.

               
                                     FRY
                         Same thing.

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door 
               and looks in.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's so big and empty.

               
               [He goes in and closes the door.]

               
               [Cut to: Bender's Apartment.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         My roommate's gone. And all he left 
                         behind was an eyelash and three skin 
                         flakes.  Oh, what's the point?!
 
               
               [He throws the bottle down and it smashes.]

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser 
               fuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange 
               rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender?  My God, you're a mess!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto 
               the couch. Leela follows him in.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Leave me alone!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Look at that five o'clock rust. You've 
                         been up all night not drinking, haven't 
                         you?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey. What I don't do is none of your 
                         business.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor. 
                         If not for yourself then for the people 
                         who love you.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I hate the people who love me and they 
                         hate me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss 
                         being Fry's roommate. But there's got 
                         to be a better way to deal with this.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Like how? Having my antenna removed?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, if that would work.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Are you crazy? That's Little Bender 
                         you're talking about. I can't cut it 
                         off. You're not a robot or a man so 
                         you wouldn't understand. I gotta get 
                         out of here.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! I want you to look me in the eye 
                         and promise you won't get behind the 
                         wheel without some kind of alcoholic 
                         beverage in your hand.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I promise nothing!

               
               [He runs out.]

               
               [Bender is walking down a street drunk á la The Lost Weekend 
               and he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking 
               oil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of 
               oil and hits it.]
 
               
               [Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What up?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I can't just stand by and be silent 
                         about Bender anymore.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Silent? You've been meddling for two 
                         solid weeks.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well I can't just do that anymore. Your 
                         best friend is out there somewhere destroying 
                         himself.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Really? I didn't think he'd miss this 
                         apartment that much.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         He doesn't care about the apartment, 
                         he cares about you. And you turned your 
                         back on him.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew 
                         where he was I'd go talk to him.
 
               
               [The TV cuts out.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, stupid TV!  Bender! You're blind 
                         stinking sober!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's right! I'm sober and crazy and 
                         I don't know what I might do!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Don't do it!

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah, 
                         now I remember. I thought I could live 
                         alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do 
                         what it takes to be your roommate again.
 
                         
               
               [He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender! Stop!

               
                                     FRY
                         Cutting Leela's head off won't solve 
                         anything!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, I'm going to chop off my antenna.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give 
                         you a hand?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, don't help him mutilate himself.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But it's a useless antenna. It's not 
                         like he's a ham radio or something.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do 
                         it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.
 
                         
               
               [Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window. 
               The TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in 
               a hospital bed.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, it works! The static's gone.

               
                                     HUMAN FRIEND
                          I hate that this came between us, Calculon.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Me too. I'm filled with a large number 
                         of powerful emotions.
 
               
                                     HUMAN FRIEND
                          You're my best friend. I'm sorry I 
                         treated you so badly.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Apology accepted. After all, you're 
                         only human.
 
               
               [They hug.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You guys could learn a lesson from those 
                         two.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         She's right.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry 
                         I treated you so badly.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Apology accepted. After all, you're 
                         only human.
 
               
               [They hug.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait a minute! You did it all backwards. 
                          Fry's the one who should be......Oh, 
                         never mind!
 
               
               [Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         What's wrong?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have 
                         to get used to being half a robot.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Aww, this isn't right. Listen, Bender, 
                         if we found your antenna could they 
                         still reattach it?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Maybe. If we get it on ice right away.
 
                         
               
               [Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search 
               for the antenna.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Bingo!

               
               [He holds up the antenna.]

               
                                     URL
                         You call that an antenna?

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry is holding his miniature 
               fruit salad tree.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         This time, you'll have all the human 
                         comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets, 
                         some food cookers, maybe a puppy.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's good to be home.

               
                                     BENDER
                         It sure is. By the way, I saved your 
                         stuff.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So that's where those skin flakes went. 
                         Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's 
                         going to get enough light?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         There's a window in the closet.

               
               [He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a huge living 
               space. Fry walks into it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is huge! Bender, why don't I just 
                         live in here?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         In a closet? Oh, humans!

               
               THE END

I, Roommate



Writers :   Eric Horsted
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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