FUTURAMA
Episode 315
"I DATED A ROBOT"
By
Eric Kaplan
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: No Humans Were Probed In The Making
Of This Episode.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The Scary Door opening credits roll.]
[Smith steps out into the road and is hit by a car. He wakes
up in a casino in front of a one armed bandit. He pulls the lever
and three bars come up. The machine spews coins out into his
lap. He laughs.]
SMITH [ON TV]
A casino where I'm winning? That car
must've killed me. I must be in heaven!
A casino where I always win? That's
boring. I must really be...in hell!
[A bearded man appears at his side.]
MAN [ON TV]
No Mr Smith. You're not in heaven or
hell. You're on an aeroplane.
[He pulls a curtain across. Smith looks out the window and sees
a gremlin tearing up the plane's wing.]
SMITH [ON TV]
There's a gremlin destroying the plane!
You've gotta believe me!
MAN [ON TV]
Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
[He holds up a mirror. Smith's reflection is indeed that of Hitler.]
SMITH [ON TV]
No! Eva Braun! Help me!
[She takes of her facemask, revealing she is a human-fly. Smith
screams. All of the Planet Express crew except Fry sit watching
the TV.]
BENDER
Saw it comin'!
[Enter Fry.]
FRY
I just saw something incredibly cool.
A big floating ball that lit up with
every colour of the rainbow, plus some
new ones that were so beautiful I fell
to my knees and cried.
AMY
Was it out in front of Discount Shoe
Outlet?
FRY
Yeah.
AMY
They have a college kid wear that to
attract customers.
FRY
Well I don't care if it was some dork
in a costume. For one brief moment I
felt the heartbeat of creation. And
it was one with my own.
AMY
Big deal.
BENDER
We all feel like that all the time.
You don't hear us gassin' on about it.
FRY
How can you people be so blase? Here
you are in the year 3000 or so, yet
you just sit around like its the boring
time I came from.
FARNSWORTH
Boring? Wasn't that the period where
they cracked the human genome and boy
bands roamed the Earth?
FRY
Yeah. But now its the distant future.
Why aren't we out doing everything I
ever dreamed of?
LEELA
Hey, you know what might be fun?
FARNSWORTH
No. Why would I know that?
LEELA
Let's take the rest of the morning off
and take Fry to do everything he ever
wanted to do.
FRY
(sexfully) Everything?
LEELA
Except that.
[A huge space station orbits a big green planet. "Sal's Wrecking
Co" is painted on the side.]
[Cut to: Sal's Wrecking Co. Sal straps Fry into a seat.]
SAL
Sos your fantasy's always been to destroys
a planet huh?
FRY
Yeah, what did they ever do for me?
[He aims a gun at the planet, fires and blows the planet to smitherenes.
He laughs while the crew look on with blank expressions.]
LEELA
Wow, the most humdrum activities look
almost exciting through your eyes. What
should we do next?
FRY
I wanna see the edge of the universe!
AMY
Ooo! That sounds cool.
ZOIDBERG
It's funny. You live in the universe,
but you never do these things til somebody
comes to visit.
[The Edge Of The Universe. The ship approaches a black/white
boundary.]
[The ship cruises towards the edge of space and lands in a parking
space. The crew get out and walk to a wall seperating space from
the nothingness after it. Fry puts some money in some binoculars
and looks through them. He sees a Planet Express from a parallel
cowboy universe wave. Our crew wave back.]
FRY
Far out! So, there's an infinite number
of parallel universes?
FARNSWORTH
No, just the two.
FRY
Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
BENDER
I'm sick of parallel Bender lording
his cowboy head over me! Let's move
on to Fry's next fantasy.
[Jurassic Kiddie Park. Fry rides a Tyranosaurus Rex.]
FRY
(shouting) Yeehah! Bow before your master,
puny mortals! Whoo! Giddy-up! Ha ha!
Woohoo! Whoopie!
[A mother and daughter look on.]
GIRL
Mommy, why is that man like that?
MOTHER
Don't look at him!
[Fry dismounts and hops over the wall to his friends.]
FRY
That was fun. Let's give him a treat!
[He puts 5 cents in a Dino-Feed machine and gets a pig out of
it. He holds it up to the dinosaur which walks over to it. The
pig squeals.]
LEELA
Keep your palms flat.
[The dinosaur gobbles up the pig. Fry laughs.]
FRY
The tongue tickles.
[He laughs some more. He pulls his arms down - but his hands
aren't there.]
[Outside Hand Crafters. The crew leave the store. Fry's new hands
have a slightly darker skin tone.]
FRY
These new hands are great. I'm gonna
break them in tonight.
FARNSWORTH
Yes it's been quite an hour and a half.
FRY
I've only got two fantasies left: Be
invisible in a chocolate factory and
be romantically linked with a celebrity.
BENDER
I could pound your head 'til you thinks
that's what happened.
[He pulls an iron bar out of his chest cabinet.]
FRY
OK.
LEELA
Wait, hold on. It is actually possible
to meet any celebrity you want.
FRY
It is?
LEELA
Of course! You should read a blimp sometime.
[She points to a passing blimp advertising downloadable celebrities
at nappster.com.]
FRY
Download a celebrity from the internet?
What part of that do I understand?
LEELA
It's simple. You can download a celebrity's
personality and appearance into a blank
robot.
FRY
Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela and Fry put on the net
suits.]
FARNSWORTH
Onto the internet you go!
BENDER
Oh and while you're there pick me up
a few credit card numbers.
[Farnsworth logs Fry and Leela in.]
[Cut to: Internet Browser. Fry and Leela materialise outside
pentagon.web, a top secret site which has just been hacked. They
walk past oldtrek-vs-newtrek.web where two trekkies have an important
debate.]
TREKKIE #1
No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass!
TREKKIE #2
Eh, at least Picard had the guts to
admit he was bald!
TREKKIE #1
You take that back!
[Fry and Leela come to eBay.]
FRY
Ooo! eBay!
[Cut to: eBay. The Milky Way galaxy is up for sale.]
AUCTIONEER
Are there no further bids for this exquisite
galaxy? Sold to the Being Of Inconceivable
Horror.
[The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs.]
AUCTIONEER
Yes.
[The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs harder.]
[Cut to: Internet Browser.]
FRY
So where's the celebrity dating place?
LEELA
Let's search the web. Over there.
[Leela and Fry walk inside nappster.com.]
[Cut to: nappster.com.]
SALESMAN
Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what
celebrities we've got in stock. Can
I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?
FRY
Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks
human blood.
SALESMAN
Then uh, how about Cleopatra? Who's
beauty destroyed mighty empires.
FRY
I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved
underarms. Do you have anything with
a more Lucy Liu feel to it?
SALESMAN
Nah, nothing like that. Though we do
have Lucy Liu. Only woman ever to be
named People magazine's woman of the
year twice. In 2003, and then again
in 2063.
FRY
I'd like the 2003 model.
[An image of Lucy Liu appears.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry and Leela takes
off their net helmets.]
FRY
Wahoo! I've found her! What do I do
now?
FARNSWORTH
Download her. Let's just put a blank
robot in the drive.
[He lifts a basic robot out of a box of ten and hands it to Fry.
Fry puts it in the drive. Lucy Liu is downloaded from the net
and she appears on the robot. Fry gasps.]
FRY
It worked!
LIUBOT
You're one sexy man (mechanical voice)
Philip J. Fry!
[She leaps into his arms and kisses him. She pushes him to the
floor.]
FRY
(muffled) It worked perfectly!
[Time Lapse. Fry is still dumbstruck and he gazes at his Liubot
with his mouth wide open.]
LEELA
Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you
just going to stare vacantly at her
and not say anything?
[Fry guffaws.]
LIUBOT
I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive
(mechanical voice) Philip J. Fry.
FRY
Did you hear that? She likes me!
FARNSWORTH
Well duh! She's programmed to like you!
FRY
But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only
good actress of the 21st century! She's
more than just a piece of software.
LIUBOT
Would you like to take a moment to register
me?
FRY
Uh, not right now.
LIUBOT
I'll remind you later you hot stud you!
FRY
So uh, what do you feel like doing?
LIUBOT
Would you like to take a moment to register
me?
FRY
I said later!
[Dinkin' Donuts. Fry and the Liubot are on a date. Fry is gobbling
donuts.]
FRY
Then when I feel so stuffed I can't
eat anymore, I just use the restroom,
and then I can eat more.
LIUBOT
You should write a book Fry. People
need to know about the (mechanical voice)
can eat more.
FRY
Oh Lucy! You're just like I always thought
you'd be from your movies.
LIUBOT
My personality is mathematically derived
from my movies, proportionally weighted
by box office receipts.
[Fry stares blankly then bites into a donut.]
[Montage Fry and the Liubot date to Wham!'s Love Machine. First
they drop steaks into the octopus tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium
and the octopus eats it a wiggles it's tentacles around. Next
Fry eats a hotdog while the Liubot runs down a street with him
on her shoulders. In the Planet Express lounge Fry has a toy
soldier war. He throws one at a fan and it richochets off in
another direction. Liubot dives on Fry and pushes him under the
table.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Liubot are sat on the couch.]
FRY
You're cute!
LIUBOT
You're cute!
FRY
You!
LIUBOT
You!
FRY
You!
LIUBOT
You!
FRY
You!
[The rest of the crew watch in horror.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite
loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's
love for you.
BENDER
Humans dating robots is sick. You people
wonder why I'm still single?? It's 'cause
all the fun robot sisters are dating
humans!
LEELA
Bender, this is Fry's decision. And
he made it wrong, so it's time for us
to interfere in his life.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela breaks the news to Fry.]
LEELA
She doesn't really love you. She can't.
She's just a machine that -
FRY
Well, so what if I love a robot? It's
not hurting anybody.
HERMES
My God! He never took middle school
hygiene. He never saw the propaganda
film.
FARNSWORTH
It's just lucky I keep a copy in the
VCR at all times!
[He presses a button and a film title appears on the screen:
I Dated A Robot!. In the movie a couple sit in a café and stare
into each other's eyes. A narrator walks into the scene.]
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable
and it serves an important purpose.
But when a human dates an artificial
mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment.
And that leads to...tragedy.
[The woman behind him turns into a blank robot and the man downloads
a celebrity onto it.]
BILLY [IN MOVIE]
Neato! A Marylin Monroebot!
MONROEBOT [IN MOVIE]
Ooo! You're a real dreamboat (mechanical
voice) Billy Everyteen!
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
Harmless fun? Let's see what happens
next!
[The scene cuts to Billy's bedroom. He is kissing the Monroebot.
Enter his mother.]
BILLY [IN MOVIE]
No thank Mom, I'd rather make out with
my Monroebot.
[Enter his dad.]
BILLY [IN MOVIE]
No thanks dad, I'd rather make out with
my Monroebot.
[Enter his girlfriend, Mavis, from the café.]
MAVIS [IN MOVIE]
Billy, do you want to come over tonight?
We can make out together.
BILLY [IN MOVIE]
Gee Mavis, your house is across the
street, that's an awfully long way to
go for making out.
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
Did you notice what went wrong in that
scene? Ordinarily Billy would work hard
to make money from his paper route then
he'd use the money to buy dinner for
Mavis, thus earning the slim chance
of performing the reproductive act.
But in a world where teens can date
robots why should he bother? Why should
anyone bother? Let's take a look at
Billy's planet a year later. Where
are all the football stars? And where
are the biochemists? They are trapped
- trapped in a soft, vice-like grip
of robot lips. All civilisation was
just an effort to impress the opposite
sex. And sometimes the same sex. Now,
let's skip forward 80 years into the
future. Where is Billy?
[The scene changes to a post-apocalyptic world. Billy is an aged
man but he is still with his Monroebot and still making out with
her.]
BILLY [IN MOVIE]
Farewell!
[He dies.]
NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
The next day Billy's planet was destroyed
by aliens. Have you guessed the name
of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't
Date Robots!
[A caption appears on the screen with the same words on it and
the movie ends. The space pope is displayed on the screen with
Crocodylus Pontiflex written around him in English and alien.]
LEELA
Did that make any impression on you
Fry? Fry?
[She turns around. Fry and Liubot are making out. Liubot giggles.]
LIUBOT
Ooo!
[Farnsworth holds up another tape.]
FARNSWORTH
I knew I should have shown him Electro
Gonhorrhea: The Noisy Killer.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits in a chair with his legs
crosses holding a cigar. He puts on a weird voice as he speaks.]
BENDER
What is the world coming to? That Fry's
a sicko pervert I tell you, dating a
robot. It's an atrosmacy.
LEELA
But Fry's our friend Bender.
BENDER
Aww jeez would you stifle there meatbag?
LEELA
You stifle Bender.
ZOIDBERG
Hooray! Finally you're standing up to
him.
LEELA
Although he is completely right.
BENDER
We've got to stem this tidal wave of
moral decay. It's time to shut down
nappster.com!
[Nappster HQ. Enter Bender, Leela and Zoidberg.]
BENDER
Who's in charge of this dump?
[Jeff Jervis CEO stands up.]
JERVIS
That'd be me. If you're an investor
you can dump your money in the hole
there.
BENDER
Listen you fat internet nerd.
JERVIS
Listening.
BENDER
Your company promotes wrong love! If
you don't shut down right now the only
thing wired about you will be your jaw!
JERVIS
You can't shut us down. The internet
is about the free exchange and sale
of other people's ideas. We've done
nothing wrong!
[Lucy Liu suddenly cries out from behind a door marked Authorized
Personnel Only.]
LIU [FROM ROOM]
Help! I'm being held prisoner!
ZOIDBERG
Someone in trouble is!
JERVIS
No stay out! There's a guy going for
the Tetris world record in there!
[He covers the door with himself and part of a sign covering
the nappster sign falls away. Nappster is really kidnappster!
Bender pushes Jervis out the way and he Leela and Zoidberg run
in.]
[Cut to: Kidnappster HQ. The room is filled with heads in jars.]
WOMAN
Who are you?
CHEECH
Don't hurt us!
LIU
Help me! They've been holding me prisoner
for 800 years!
ZOIDBERG
The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see
a movie of in the popcorn stadium!
BENDER
So what's your problem?
LIU
Those sweaty nerds are making illegal
copies of us. (crying) It hurts!
[Jervis knocks on the door.]
BENDER
Its a bluff.
LEELA
We can't take that chance. Move people
move!
GEORGE MICHAEL
Please pick me up before you go go!
LEELA
She asked first.
[She picks up Liu's jar and activates a pressure alarm. She replaces
Liu's jar with that of Madeline Albright. Someone downloads her
and she screams.]
[Cut to: Nerd's Bedroom. Albright is downloaded onto a blank
robot. There is a table and candles in the room.]
NERD
Uh, are you Lucy Liu?
[The Albrightbot sees the table and smiles.]
ALBRIGHTBOT
Sure!
[Outside Nappster HQ. Bender, Leela and Zoidberg climb out of
a window with Liu's head and run away.]
[Cut to: Nappster HQ. Jervis and another man watch them on the
screen.]
JERVIS
Oh we're doomed. They got the head,
they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole
world will learn we're cyber criminals!
And we would have gotten away with it
if it weren't for those meddling adults.
MAN
We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu,
we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they
can handle! Hand me that backup disk.
[He puts the disk in the drive and changes the Liu-Mo-Tron setting
to Erotic Assassin.]
[Cut to: Street.]
ZOIDBERG
Did you see me escaping? I was like
-
[He woops.]
LIU
Thanks for rescuing me, especially you
Bender. (sexfully) Mmm, quite a masculine
piece of metal aren't you?
BENDER
Hey don't look at me like that. If you're
thinking of crossing the line with Bender
you can forget it. Bender don't bend
that way.
LEELA
Hey look its another Lucy Liubot.
LIUBOT #2
(mechanical voice) I am Lucy Liu. Give
me your spines.
[She leaps into the air and lands between the four.]
ZOIDBERG
Hey what the?
[She kicks him. She moves towards Bender and he backs away. She
starts punching him.]
LIUBOT #2
(mechanical voice) Take this and that
and one of these.
[She grabs him between her legs and slams him against the pavement.]
LIU
Hey cut it out! I don't need this kind
of publicity!
[The Liubot gets up and moves towards Leela. She kicks her in
the face and trips her over. She gets up.]
LEELA
Alright Liu. Time to kick your frosty
well toned ass! Heyya!
[She kicks her and the two get into a fight. Leela gains the
upper hand and kicks the Liubot against a fire hydrant.]
BENDER
Then along came Bender!
[He turns the fire hydrant on and the Liubot starts to inflate.]
ZOIDBERG
Looks like you're retaining water.
[He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]
LIU
That was incredible Bender. You're like
Jackie Chan before he got all doughy.
BENDER
Aw shucks. I wasn't afraid of that robot.
I'm pretty brave when you get past my
macho exterior! It's an army of Lucy
Lius!
[Leela and Zoidberg scream.]
LIU
They're horrible!
[The Liubots start flipping over cars and kicking over mailboxes.]
[A Liubot throws a man through a window.]
LIUBOT #3
(mechanical voice) Robot Croucing Tiger.
LIUBOT #4
(mechanical voice) Robot Crane style!
[Cut to: Newsstand. The Liubots chase people down the streets.
Zapp Brannigan turns on the sexlexia.]
ZAPP
Now that's a wave of destruction that's
easy on the eyes.
[A Liubot grabs him by the throat.]
[She throws him across the street and he gets stuck between a
sewer grate.]
[Loew's-N-Plex. Fry and his Liubot are at the cinema watching
the 2007 classic Charlie's Angels III: The Legend Of Charlie's
Gold.]
FRY
This is the best movie I've ever seen.
It has a vampire and an explosion!
LIUBOT
It's amazing the way you (mechanical
voice) notice two things.
ALEX [IN MOVIE]
No! Don't open that coffin! It's ticking!
NATALIE [IN MOVIE]
I have to Alex. That coffin's not going
to open itself!
[The coffin opens itself. A vampire sits up.]
VAMPIRE [IN MOVIE]
Bleurgh!
[He explodes. Fry and Liubot are making out again. Enter Bender,
Leela, Zoidberg and Lucy Liu.]
LIU
Let's hide in here. It'll add to my
box office gross!
LEELA
Fry?
FRY
Aww, you guys came to watch me make
out! That is so sweet. Wait a minute!
Is that the head of who I think it's
of?
LIU
Read the jar Evelyn Wood! Dr Z?
[Zoidberg clacks.]
LEELA
Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying
the city. Is yours acting normally?
FRY
Let me see. Yep. Why do you ask?
ALEX [IN MOVIE]
Mr Mayor, if you want to see a real
vampire look in the mirror!
MAYOR [IN MOVIE]
I can't! I'm a vampire!
[Enter the Liubots via the screen. The audience screams. The
Liubots knocks a few people over, rip up some chairs and batter
people with them. One hits Zoidberg with a chair and he screams.]
ZOIDBERG
Why?
LEELA
And Nappster says illegal copies never
hurt anybody.
FRY (SHOUTING)
Quick, this way!
[They all run to the projector room. The Liubots follow.]
[Cut to: Corridor. Fry stops and so do the Liubots. He picks
up a sign.]
FRY
Sorry laides, employees only.
[A Liubot eats the sign. Fry screams and runs up the stairs.
They run after him. He runs into the projector room and closes
the door behind him.]
[Cut to: Projector Room.]
LEELA
Oh no. They're forming a human pyramid...of
robots.
[The Liubots climb on each other.]
BENDER
Dammit! We weren't counting on them
being as smart as they are sexy!
LIU
A dangerous mistake to make.
[Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens. A huge bag of popcorn
is behind it.]
ZOIDBERG
At least we've got food.
LEELA
Dr Zoidberg cut open that bag!
ZOIDBERG
Hooray!
LEELA
And don't eat it.
[Zoidberg sighs and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high
pressure popcorn that shoots out from the bag. The popcorn flies
out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]
[The Liubots are completely submerged under popcorn. Everyone
cheers.]
ZOIDBERG
Life was bad but now its good forever!
[The Liubots eat their way out of the popcorn and start firing
it at the projector room. Everyone screams and ducks.]
BENDER
You'll be safe in here sweetheart.
Get lost Pavorotti!
[He throws the head over his shoulder and puts Liu's head in.]
FRY
Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the
corn I want you to know that I love
you as much as a man can love a computerised
image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it
turns out is a lot.
LIUBOT
Oh Fry, I love you more than the moon
and the stars and the (mechanincal voice)
poetic image number 37 not found.
[She stands up and the popcorn starts hitting her. She starts
walking towards the projection window.]
FRY
What are you doing darling? Get down!
[The Liubot points the projector at the other Liubots. They starts
to swell up.]
[They explode. Fry's Liubot flickers on the floor.]
FRY
You saved us. Are you alright?
LIUBOT
Yes my love. I'll be just (mechanical
voice) massive corn clog in port seven.
LIU
Are you the last copy of me?
LIUBOT
Yes.
LIU
Erase her Fry.
FRY
What?? No!
LIU
Fry, when you downloaded her without
my permission you stole my image. And
in the end that's all I really have.
That and the largest gold nugget in
the world - one mile in diameter.
FRY
But I just downloaded her because I
love you.
LIU
If you love the real Lucy Liu and not
what you've seen in movies, genre stradling
lawyer shows and kiss ass articles in
People magazine, you'll blank out that
robot.
[Fry starts to cry. The Liubot flickers.]
FRY
I'm sorry. Hug me Liubot.
[She does. Fry reaches behind her hair and presses the erase
button.]
LIUBOT
I'll always remember you Fry (mechanical
voice) memory deleted.
[Her image flickers away just leaving a battered blank robot.]
BENDER
I know it hurts buddy. But at least
you're not in a sick relationship with
a robot anymore.
FRY
Uh huh. And I guess now maybe I can
get to know the real Lucy Liu.
BENDER
Pft! Yeah at our wedding!
LIU
It's true. Bender and I are in love.
FRY
But, but!
BENDER
Don't be a prude Fry!
[He kisses Liu's jar while Fry looks on, eyes twitching.]
THE END
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