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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 315

                                    "I DATED A ROBOT"

                                           By

                                      Eric Kaplan

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: No Humans Were Probed In The Making 
               Of This Episode.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The Scary Door opening credits roll.]
 
               
               
               
               [Smith steps out into the road and is hit by a car. He wakes 
               up in a casino in front of a one armed bandit. He pulls the lever 
               and three bars come up. The machine spews coins out into his 
               lap. He laughs.]
 
               
                                     SMITH [ON TV]
                         A casino where I'm winning? That car 
                         must've killed me. I must be in heaven! 
                          A casino where I always win? That's 
                         boring. I must really be...in hell!
 
                         
               
               [A bearded man appears at his side.]

               
                                     MAN [ON TV]
                         No Mr Smith. You're not in heaven or 
                         hell. You're on an aeroplane.
 
               
               [He pulls a curtain across. Smith looks out the window and sees 
               a gremlin tearing up the plane's wing.]
 
               
                                     SMITH [ON TV]
                         There's a gremlin destroying the plane! 
                         You've gotta believe me!
 
               
                                     MAN [ON TV]
                         Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
 
                         
               
               [He holds up a mirror. Smith's reflection is indeed that of Hitler.]
 
               
               
                                     SMITH [ON TV]
                         No!  Eva Braun! Help me!

               
               [She takes of her facemask, revealing she is a human-fly. Smith 
               screams. All of the Planet Express crew except Fry sit watching 
               the TV.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Saw it comin'!

               
               [Enter Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I just saw something incredibly cool. 
                         A big floating ball that lit up with 
                         every colour of the rainbow, plus some 
                         new ones that were so beautiful I fell 
                         to my knees and cried.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Was it out in front of Discount Shoe 
                         Outlet?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah.

               
                                     AMY
                         They have a college kid wear that to 
                         attract customers.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well I don't care if it was some dork 
                         in a costume. For one brief moment I 
                         felt the heartbeat of creation. And 
                         it was one with my own.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Big deal.

               
                                     BENDER
                         We all feel like that all the time. 
                         You don't hear us gassin' on about it.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         How can you people be so blase? Here 
                         you are in the year 3000 or so, yet 
                         you just sit around like its the boring 
                         time I came from.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Boring? Wasn't that the period where 
                         they cracked the human genome and boy 
                         bands roamed the Earth?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah. But now its the distant future. 
                         Why aren't we out doing everything I 
                         ever dreamed of?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, you know what might be fun?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No. Why would I know that?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's take the rest of the morning off 
                         and take Fry to do everything he ever 
                         wanted to do.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (sexfully) Everything?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Except that.

               
               [A huge space station orbits a big green planet. "Sal's Wrecking 
               Co" is painted on the side.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Sal's Wrecking Co. Sal straps Fry into a seat.]

               
                                     SAL
                         Sos your fantasy's always been to destroys 
                         a planet huh?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, what did they ever do for me?
 
                         
               
               [He aims a gun at the planet, fires and blows the planet to smitherenes. 
               He laughs while the crew look on with blank expressions.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, the most humdrum activities look 
                         almost exciting through your eyes. What 
                         should we do next?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I wanna see the edge of the universe!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Ooo! That sounds cool.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It's funny. You live in the universe, 
                         but you never do these things til somebody 
                         comes to visit.
 
               
               [The Edge Of The Universe. The ship approaches a black/white 
               boundary.]
 
               
               
               [The ship cruises towards the edge of space and lands in a parking 
               space. The crew get out and walk to a wall seperating space from 
               the nothingness after it. Fry puts some money in some binoculars 
               and looks through them. He sees a Planet Express from a parallel 
               cowboy universe wave. Our crew wave back.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Far out! So, there's an infinite number 
                         of parallel universes?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, just the two.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm sick of parallel Bender lording 
                         his cowboy head over me! Let's move 
                         on to Fry's next fantasy.
 
               
               [Jurassic Kiddie Park. Fry rides a Tyranosaurus Rex.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Yeehah! Bow before your master, 
                         puny mortals! Whoo! Giddy-up! Ha ha! 
                         Woohoo! Whoopie!
 
               
               [A mother and daughter look on.]

               
                                     GIRL
                         Mommy, why is that man like that?

               
                                     MOTHER
                         Don't look at him!

               
               [Fry dismounts and hops over the wall to his friends.]

               
                                     FRY
                         That was fun. Let's give him a treat!
 
                         
               
               [He puts 5 cents in a Dino-Feed machine and gets a pig out of 
               it. He holds it up to the dinosaur which walks over to it. The 
               pig squeals.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Keep your palms flat.

               
               [The dinosaur gobbles up the pig. Fry laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         The tongue tickles.

               
               [He laughs some more. He pulls his arms down - but his hands 
               aren't there.]
 
               
               [Outside Hand Crafters. The crew leave the store. Fry's new hands 
               have a slightly darker skin tone.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         These new hands are great. I'm gonna 
                         break them in tonight.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes it's been quite an hour and a half.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I've only got two fantasies left: Be 
                         invisible in a chocolate factory and 
                         be romantically linked with a celebrity.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I could pound your head 'til you thinks 
                         that's what happened.
 
               
               [He pulls an iron bar out of his chest cabinet.]

               
                                     FRY
                         OK.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, hold on. It is actually possible 
                         to meet any celebrity you want.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It is?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Of course! You should read a blimp sometime.
 
                         
               
               [She points to a passing blimp advertising downloadable celebrities 
               at nappster.com.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Download a celebrity from the internet? 
                         What part of that do I understand?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's simple. You can download a celebrity's 
                         personality and appearance into a blank 
                         robot.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I have an idea. Let's do that!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela and Fry put on the net 
               suits.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Onto the internet you go!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh and while you're there pick me up 
                         a few credit card numbers.
 
               
               [Farnsworth logs Fry and Leela in.]

               
               [Cut to: Internet Browser. Fry and Leela materialise outside 
               pentagon.web, a top secret site which has just been hacked. They 
               walk past oldtrek-vs-newtrek.web where two trekkies have an important 
               debate.]
 
               
                                     TREKKIE #1
                         No way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass!
 
                         
               
                                     TREKKIE #2
                         Eh, at least Picard had the guts to 
                         admit he was bald!
 
               
                                     TREKKIE #1
                         You take that back!

               
               [Fry and Leela come to eBay.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ooo! eBay!

               
               [Cut to: eBay. The Milky Way galaxy is up for sale.]

               
                                     AUCTIONEER
                         Are there no further bids for this exquisite 
                         galaxy?  Sold to the Being Of Inconceivable 
                         Horror.
 
               
               [The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs.]

               
               
                                     AUCTIONEER
                         Yes.

               
               [The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs harder.]

               
               [Cut to: Internet Browser.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So where's the celebrity dating place?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's search the web.  Over there.
 
                         
               
               [Leela and Fry walk inside nappster.com.]

               
               [Cut to: nappster.com.]

               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Welcome to Nappster. Let's see what 
                         celebrities we've got in stock.  Can 
                         I interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Nah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks 
                         human blood.
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Then uh, how about Cleopatra? Who's 
                         beauty destroyed mighty empires.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'd prefer someone from the era of shaved 
                         underarms. Do you have anything with 
                         a more Lucy Liu feel to it?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Nah, nothing like that. Though we do 
                         have Lucy Liu.  Only woman ever to be 
                         named People magazine's woman of the 
                         year twice. In 2003, and then again 
                         in 2063.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'd like the 2003 model.

               
               [An image of Lucy Liu appears.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry and Leela takes 
               off their net helmets.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wahoo! I've found her! What do I do 
                         now?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Download her. Let's just put a blank 
                         robot in the drive.
 
               
               [He lifts a basic robot out of a box of ten and hands it to Fry. 
               Fry puts it in the drive. Lucy Liu is downloaded from the net 
               and she appears on the robot. Fry gasps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It worked!

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         You're one sexy man (mechanical voice) 
                         Philip J. Fry!
 
               
               [She leaps into his arms and kisses him. She pushes him to the 
               floor.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (muffled) It worked perfectly!

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is still dumbstruck and he gazes at his Liubot 
               with his mouth wide open.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you 
                         just going to stare vacantly at her 
                         and not say anything?
 
               
               [Fry guffaws.]

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive 
                         (mechanical voice) Philip J. Fry.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Did you hear that? She likes me!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well duh! She's programmed to like you!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only 
                         good actress of the 21st century! She's 
                         more than just a piece of software.
 
                         
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Would you like to take a moment to register 
                         me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, not right now.

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         I'll remind you later you hot stud you!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         So uh, what do you feel like doing?
 
                         
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Would you like to take a moment to register 
                         me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I said later!

               
               [Dinkin' Donuts. Fry and the Liubot are on a date. Fry is gobbling 
               donuts.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Then when I feel so stuffed I can't 
                         eat anymore, I just use the restroom, 
                         and then I can eat more.
 
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         You should write a book Fry. People 
                         need to know about the (mechanical voice) 
                         can eat more.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh Lucy! You're just like I always thought 
                         you'd be from your movies.
 
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         My personality is mathematically derived 
                         from my movies, proportionally weighted 
                         by box office receipts.
 
               
               [Fry stares blankly then bites into a donut.]

               
               [Montage Fry and the Liubot date to Wham!'s Love Machine. First 
               they drop steaks into the octopus tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium 
               and the octopus eats it a wiggles it's tentacles around. Next 
               Fry eats a hotdog while the Liubot runs down a street with him 
               on her shoulders. In the Planet Express lounge Fry has a toy 
               soldier war. He throws one at a fan and it richochets off in 
               another direction. Liubot dives on Fry and pushes him under the 
               table.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Liubot are sat on the couch.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You're cute!

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         You're cute!

               
                                     FRY
                         You!

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         You!

               
                                     FRY
                         You!

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         You!

               
                                     FRY
                         You!

               
               [The rest of the crew watch in horror.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite 
                         loop and he's an idiot. Well, that's 
                         love for you.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Humans dating robots is sick. You people 
                         wonder why I'm still single?? It's 'cause 
                         all the fun robot sisters are dating 
                         humans!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, this is Fry's decision. And 
                         he made it wrong, so it's time for us 
                         to interfere in his life.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela breaks the news to Fry.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         She doesn't really love you. She can't. 
                         She's just a machine that -
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, so what if I love a robot? It's 
                         not hurting anybody.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         My God! He never took middle school 
                         hygiene. He never saw the propaganda 
                         film.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's just lucky I keep a copy in the 
                         VCR at all times!
 
               
               [He presses a button and a film title appears on the screen: 
               I Dated A Robot!. In the movie a couple sit in a café and stare 
               into each other's eyes. A narrator walks into the scene.]
 
               
                                     NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
                         Ordinary human dating. It's enjoyable 
                         and it serves an important purpose. 
                          But when a human dates an artificial 
                         mate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment. 
                         And that leads to...tragedy.
 
               
               [The woman behind him turns into a blank robot and the man downloads 
               a celebrity onto it.]
 
               
                                     BILLY [IN MOVIE]
                         Neato! A Marylin Monroebot!

               
                                     MONROEBOT [IN MOVIE]
                         Ooo! You're a real dreamboat (mechanical 
                         voice) Billy Everyteen!
 
               
                                     NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
                         Harmless fun? Let's see what happens 
                         next!
 
               
               [The scene cuts to Billy's bedroom. He is kissing the Monroebot. 
               Enter his mother.]
 
               
               
                                     BILLY [IN MOVIE]
                         No thank Mom, I'd rather make out with 
                         my Monroebot.
 
               
               [Enter his dad.]

               
               
                                     BILLY [IN MOVIE]
                         No thanks dad, I'd rather make out with 
                         my Monroebot.
 
               
               [Enter his girlfriend, Mavis, from the café.]

               
                                     MAVIS [IN MOVIE]
                         Billy, do you want to come over tonight? 
                         We can make out together.
 
               
                                     BILLY [IN MOVIE]
                         Gee Mavis, your house is across the 
                         street, that's an awfully long way to 
                         go for making out.
 
               
                                     NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
                         Did you notice what went wrong in that 
                         scene? Ordinarily Billy would work hard 
                         to make money from his paper route then 
                         he'd use the money to buy dinner for 
                         Mavis, thus earning the slim chance 
                         of performing the reproductive act. 
                         But in a world where teens can date 
                         robots why should he bother? Why should 
                         anyone bother? Let's take a look at 
                         Billy's planet a year later.  Where 
                         are all the football stars?  And where 
                         are the biochemists?  They are trapped 
                         - trapped in a soft, vice-like grip 
                         of robot lips. All civilisation was 
                         just an effort to impress the opposite 
                         sex. And sometimes the same sex. Now, 
                         let's skip forward 80 years into the 
                         future. Where is Billy?
 
               
               [The scene changes to a post-apocalyptic world. Billy is an aged 
               man but he is still with his Monroebot and still making out with 
               her.]
 
               
                                     BILLY [IN MOVIE]
                         Farewell!

               
               [He dies.]

               
                                     NARRATOR [IN MOVIE]
                         The next day Billy's planet was destroyed 
                         by aliens.  Have you guessed the name 
                         of Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't 
                         Date Robots!
 
               
               [A caption appears on the screen with the same words on it and 
               the movie ends. The space pope is displayed on the screen with 
               Crocodylus Pontiflex written around him in English and alien.]
 
               
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Did that make any impression on you 
                         Fry? Fry?
 
               
               [She turns around. Fry and Liubot are making out. Liubot giggles.]
 
               
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Ooo!

               
               [Farnsworth holds up another tape.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I knew I should have shown him Electro 
                         Gonhorrhea: The Noisy Killer.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits in a chair with his legs 
               crosses holding a cigar. He puts on a weird voice as he speaks.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         What is the world coming to? That Fry's 
                         a sicko pervert I tell you, dating a 
                         robot. It's an atrosmacy.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But Fry's our friend Bender.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aww jeez would you stifle there meatbag?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         You stifle Bender.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray! Finally you're standing up to 
                         him.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Although he is completely right.

               
                                     BENDER
                         We've got to stem this tidal wave of 
                         moral decay. It's time to shut down 
                         nappster.com!
 
               
               [Nappster HQ. Enter Bender, Leela and Zoidberg.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Who's in charge of this dump?

               
               [Jeff Jervis CEO stands up.]

               
                                     JERVIS
                         That'd be me. If you're an investor 
                         you can dump your money in the hole 
                         there.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Listen you fat internet nerd.

               
                                     JERVIS
                         Listening.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Your company promotes wrong love! If 
                         you don't shut down right now the only 
                         thing wired about you will be your jaw!
 
                         
               
                                     JERVIS
                         You can't shut us down. The internet 
                         is about the free exchange and sale 
                         of other people's ideas. We've done 
                         nothing wrong!
 
               
               [Lucy Liu suddenly cries out from behind a door marked Authorized 
               Personnel Only.]
 
               
                                     LIU [FROM ROOM]
                         Help! I'm being held prisoner!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Someone in trouble is!

               
                                     JERVIS
                         No stay out! There's a guy going for 
                         the Tetris world record in there!
 
                         
               
               [He covers the door with himself and part of a sign covering 
               the nappster sign falls away. Nappster is really kidnappster! 
               Bender pushes Jervis out the way and he Leela and Zoidberg run 
               in.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Kidnappster HQ. The room is filled with heads in jars.]
 
               
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Who are you?

               
                                     CHEECH
                         Don't hurt us!

               
                                     LIU
                         Help me! They've been holding me prisoner 
                         for 800 years!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see 
                         a movie of in the popcorn stadium!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         So what's your problem?

               
                                     LIU
                         Those sweaty nerds are making illegal 
                         copies of us. (crying) It hurts!
 
               
               [Jervis knocks on the door.]

               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Its a bluff.

               
                                     LEELA
                         We can't take that chance. Move people 
                         move!
 
               
                                     GEORGE MICHAEL
                         Please pick me up before you go go!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         She asked first.

               
               [She picks up Liu's jar and activates a pressure alarm. She replaces 
               Liu's jar with that of Madeline Albright. Someone downloads her 
               and she screams.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nerd's Bedroom. Albright is downloaded onto a blank 
               robot. There is a table and candles in the room.]
 
               
                                     NERD
                         Uh, are you Lucy Liu?

               
               [The Albrightbot sees the table and smiles.]

               
                                     ALBRIGHTBOT
                         Sure!

               
               [Outside Nappster HQ. Bender, Leela and Zoidberg climb out of 
               a window with Liu's head and run away.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nappster HQ. Jervis and another man watch them on the 
               screen.]
 
               
                                     JERVIS
                         Oh we're doomed. They got the head, 
                         they uncovered the sign! Soon the whole 
                         world will learn we're cyber criminals! 
                         And we would have gotten away with it 
                         if it weren't for those meddling adults.
 
                         
               
                                     MAN
                         We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu, 
                         we'll give them all the Lucy Liu they 
                         can handle! Hand me that backup disk.
 
                         
               
               [He puts the disk in the drive and changes the Liu-Mo-Tron setting 
               to Erotic Assassin.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Street.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Did you see me escaping? I was like 
                         -
 
               
               [He woops.]

               
                                     LIU
                         Thanks for rescuing me, especially you 
                         Bender. (sexfully) Mmm, quite a masculine 
                         piece of metal aren't you?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey don't look at me like that. If you're 
                         thinking of crossing the line with Bender 
                         you can forget it. Bender don't bend 
                         that way.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey look its another Lucy Liubot.

               
                                     LIUBOT #2
                         (mechanical voice) I am Lucy Liu. Give 
                         me your spines.
 
               
               [She leaps into the air and lands between the four.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hey what the?

               
               [She kicks him. She moves towards Bender and he backs away. She 
               starts punching him.]
 
               
                                     LIUBOT #2
                         (mechanical voice) Take this and that 
                         and one of these.
 
               
               [She grabs him between her legs and slams him against the pavement.]
 
               
               
                                     LIU
                         Hey cut it out! I don't need this kind 
                         of publicity!
 
               
               [The Liubot gets up and moves towards Leela. She kicks her in 
               the face and trips her over. She gets up.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright Liu. Time to kick your frosty 
                         well toned ass! Heyya!
 
               
               [She kicks her and the two get into a fight. Leela gains the 
               upper hand and kicks the Liubot against a fire hydrant.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Then along came Bender!

               
               [He turns the fire hydrant on and the Liubot starts to inflate.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Looks like you're retaining water.
 
                         
               
               [He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]

               
                                     LIU
                         That was incredible Bender. You're like 
                         Jackie Chan before he got all doughy.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw shucks. I wasn't afraid of that robot. 
                         I'm pretty brave when you get past my 
                         macho exterior!  It's an army of Lucy 
                         Lius!
 
               
               [Leela and Zoidberg scream.]

               
                                     LIU
                         They're horrible!

               
               [The Liubots start flipping over cars and kicking over mailboxes.]
 
               
               
               
               [A Liubot throws a man through a window.]

               
                                     LIUBOT #3
                         (mechanical voice) Robot Croucing Tiger.
 
                         
               
                                     LIUBOT #4
                         (mechanical voice) Robot Crane style!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Newsstand. The Liubots chase people down the streets. 
               Zapp Brannigan turns on the sexlexia.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Now that's a wave of destruction that's 
                         easy on the eyes.
 
               
               [A Liubot grabs him by the throat.]

               
               
               [She throws him across the street and he gets stuck between a 
               sewer grate.]
 
               
               [Loew's-N-Plex. Fry and his Liubot are at the cinema watching 
               the 2007 classic Charlie's Angels III: The Legend Of Charlie's 
               Gold.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is the best movie I've ever seen. 
                         It has a vampire and an explosion!
 
                         
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         It's amazing the way you (mechanical 
                         voice) notice two things.
 
               
                                     ALEX [IN MOVIE]
                         No! Don't open that coffin! It's ticking!
 
                         
               
                                     NATALIE [IN MOVIE]
                         I have to Alex. That coffin's not going 
                         to open itself!
 
               
               [The coffin opens itself. A vampire sits up.]

               
                                     VAMPIRE [IN MOVIE]
                         Bleurgh!

               
               [He explodes. Fry and Liubot are making out again. Enter Bender, 
               Leela, Zoidberg and Lucy Liu.]
 
               
                                     LIU
                         Let's hide in here. It'll add to my 
                         box office gross!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry?

               
                                     FRY
                         Aww, you guys came to watch me make 
                         out! That is so sweet.  Wait a minute! 
                         Is that the head of who I think it's 
                         of?
 
               
                                     LIU
                         Read the jar Evelyn Wood! Dr Z?

               
               [Zoidberg clacks.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying 
                         the city. Is yours acting normally?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Let me see.  Yep. Why do you ask?

               
                                     ALEX [IN MOVIE]
                         Mr Mayor, if you want to see a real 
                         vampire look in the mirror!
 
               
                                     MAYOR [IN MOVIE]
                         I can't! I'm a vampire!

               
               [Enter the Liubots via the screen. The audience screams. The 
               Liubots knocks a few people over, rip up some chairs and batter 
               people with them. One hits Zoidberg with a chair and he screams.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Why?

               
                                     LEELA
                         And Nappster says illegal copies never 
                         hurt anybody.
 
               
                                     FRY (SHOUTING)
                         Quick, this way!

               
               [They all run to the projector room. The Liubots follow.]

               
               [Cut to: Corridor. Fry stops and so do the Liubots. He picks 
               up a sign.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry laides, employees only.

               
               [A Liubot eats the sign. Fry screams and runs up the stairs. 
               They run after him. He runs into the projector room and closes 
               the door behind him.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Projector Room.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh no. They're forming a human pyramid...of 
                         robots.
 
               
               [The Liubots climb on each other.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Dammit! We weren't counting on them 
                         being as smart as they are sexy!
 
               
                                     LIU
                         A dangerous mistake to make.

               
               [Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens. A huge bag of popcorn 
               is behind it.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         At least we've got food.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Dr Zoidberg cut open that bag!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray!

               
                                     LEELA
                         And don't eat it.

               
               [Zoidberg sighs and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high 
               pressure popcorn that shoots out from the bag. The popcorn flies 
               out the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]
 
               
               
               [The Liubots are completely submerged under popcorn. Everyone 
               cheers.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Life was bad but now its good forever!
 
                         
               
               [The Liubots eat their way out of the popcorn and start firing 
               it at the projector room. Everyone screams and ducks.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You'll be safe in here sweetheart.  
                         Get lost Pavorotti!
 
               
               [He throws the head over his shoulder and puts Liu's head in.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Lucy Liubot, if I don't survive the 
                         corn I want you to know that I love 
                         you as much as a man can love a computerised 
                         image of gorgeous celebrity. Which it 
                         turns out is a lot.
 
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Oh Fry, I love you more than the moon 
                         and the stars and the (mechanincal voice) 
                         poetic image number 37 not found.
 
                         
               
               [She stands up and the popcorn starts hitting her. She starts 
               walking towards the projection window.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What are you doing darling? Get down!
 
                         
               
               [The Liubot points the projector at the other Liubots. They starts 
               to swell up.]
 
               
               
               
               [They explode. Fry's Liubot flickers on the floor.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You saved us. Are you alright?

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Yes my love. I'll be just (mechanical 
                         voice) massive corn clog in port seven.
 
                         
               
                                     LIU
                         Are you the last copy of me?

               
                                     LIUBOT
                         Yes.

               
                                     LIU
                         Erase her Fry.

               
                                     FRY
                         What?? No!

               
                                     LIU
                         Fry, when you downloaded her without 
                         my permission you stole my image. And 
                         in the end that's all I really have. 
                         That and the largest gold nugget in 
                         the world - one mile in diameter.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But I just downloaded her because I 
                         love you.
 
               
                                     LIU
                         If you love the real Lucy Liu and not 
                         what you've seen in movies, genre stradling 
                         lawyer shows and kiss ass articles in 
                         People magazine, you'll blank out that 
                         robot.
 
               
               [Fry starts to cry. The Liubot flickers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sorry. Hug me Liubot.

               
               [She does. Fry reaches behind her hair and presses the erase 
               button.]
 
               
                                     LIUBOT
                         I'll always remember you Fry (mechanical 
                         voice) memory deleted.
 
               
               [Her image flickers away just leaving a battered blank robot.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I know it hurts buddy. But at least 
                         you're not in a sick relationship with 
                         a robot anymore.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh huh. And I guess now maybe I can 
                         get to know the real Lucy Liu.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Pft! Yeah at our wedding!

               
                                     LIU
                         It's true. Bender and I are in love.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But, but!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Don't be a prude Fry!

               
               [He kisses Liu's jar while Fry looks on, eyes twitching.]

               
               THE END

               
               
               

I Dated A Robot



Writers :   Eric Kaplan
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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