"I SECOND THAT EMOTION"
Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by ... ... Glagnar's Human Rinds.
It's a buncha muncha cruncha human!
[The monster bites one from a packet.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Made From Meat By-Products.]
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela picks up a huge can of Kibbles
'n' Snouts and carries it over to a huge electric can opener
on the wall.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Balcony. Nibbler is asleep. His third
eye perks up and looks around when he hears the can opener. He
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry gets some coffee. Leela
tips the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside.
Nibbler sits in his food dish and the meat falls on him and he
scoffs it in a few bites.]
Aww! Somebody likes snouts.
Is it me?
[Bender wanders in humming to himself. The magnet on the can
opener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him.]
(shouting) Ow, my head! My precious
head! (talking) Stupid can opener.
You killed my father and now you've
come back for me!
You alright, Bender?
[Bender rubs his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can.]
Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why
we keep this ticking time-bomb around
just for that dumb animal.
Don't yell at Nibbler like that. You
hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him
and make up.
I said pet him.
I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both
hands! Ow! My ass! Get off!
[Nibbler lets go.]
Are you alright?
Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
Not you. Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.
[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]
Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't
see anyone kissing it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down
and stands up from the table.]
(reluctant) Alright, I'm coming.
[Animal Clinic Waiting Room. A man sits stroking a cat, a cat
sits stroking a man and Leela sits with Nibbler while Fry and
Bender stand nearby. A door opens and a woman comes out with
a two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant.]
Remember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper
gets the suppository. Next.
[Animal Clinic Examination Room. Veterinary surgeries haven't
changed much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel
dispenser and an examination table in the middle of the room
which Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps
Nibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his
It's just a simple broken fang, nothing
What's that you say there, doctor? You're
gonna have to put him down?
No-- what? Huh?
[He looks at Fry and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head.]
Terrible shame that. Shall I do the
[He reaches up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink
liquid in it marked "Goose Laxative". He holds the bottle by
it's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Leela
[She rips Bender's arm off and smacks it against the table until
it lets go of the broken bottle.]
You about done?
Next time I'm keeping it.
[She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it.]
OK, well I believe I have a replacement
fang for your pet in the next room.
The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but
luckily he knocked one of my teeth out.
[He pulls out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it
down on a table. Fry picks it up.]
Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's
[Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser.]
Um, I'm still a little woozy from a
gazelle kick this morning but if he's
anything like the common tree, the rings
might indicate his age.
Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some
kind of genius to count all those rings.
[Jeffery takes a look.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. A "Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler" banner
has been strung up on the wall.]
Happy birthday, young Nibbler.
[Everyone is sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents.
The room has been decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry
sticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs
Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his
(sarcastic) I'd be cuddly too if someone
gave me a new cape.
Who's playing pin the tail on the moon
[Bender snatches a tail from his hand.]
Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am.
And the crowd goes wild! What prize
do I get? Cash?
[He turns around. No one is interested.]
Hey, look at Nibbler!
[Nibbler is sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon.]
Aww, he's holding a spoon.
He's so talented!
You call that talent? Gather round old
Bender and get ready for the show of
a lifetime. Ta-da!
[He grumbles when no one watches. Leela puts a pointy party hat
on Nibbler and his third eye pops out the top. Hermes gasps.]
Now he's wearing a hat!
Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!
[They do, all except Bender.]
(singing) What day is today?
It's Nibbler's birthday,
What a day for a birthday,
Let's all have some cake.
(singing) ... and you smell like one
[He giggles and they all applaud.]
Hey, what about this?
[He dances around and whistles Sweet Georgia Brown again.]
Bender, I thought you were supposed
to be cooking for this party.
Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler.
Just make a simple cake. And this time,
if someone's going to jump out of it,
make sure you put them in after you
So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll
make you a cake you'll never forget.
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender takes some rat poison out of
a cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something.
It turns out he is pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of
That'll take care of those annoying
rats. Now, to bake a cake so delicious
they'll have no choice but to love and
[He whistles Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and
takes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He
juggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and
into a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third
and then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture
into a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches
it from refrigerate to E-Z bake, closes the door and hums as
[Time Lapse. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a
little Bender ornament on the top.]
There! This'll teach those filthy bastards
who's lovable. Now all I have to do
is spell check it and it's ready for
my admiring public. No! Get away from
there! That's it.
[Planet Express: Bathroom. Bender carries Nibbler in holding
him by his eyestalk and lifts the toilet seat lid.]
[He drops Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning.
Bender, what's going-- (crying) No!
Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table crying
with the rest of the staff gathered around her.]
Bender! How could you flush Nibbler
down the toilet?
[Bender sits on a chair with his feet on the table smoking a
Well, step one, I had to lift the seat.
That was the first little annoyance.
Am I right, men?
(crying) Aren't you upset at all? How
would you feel if I flushed Fry down
Only one way to find out.
(crying) You have no sympathy for anyone
Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry
Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot
eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants,
[Leela cries some more.]
[Planet Express: Bathroom. Everyone except Bender stands around
the toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue.]
And so we say goodbye to our beloved
pet Nibbler, who's gone to a place where
I too hope one day to go: The toilet.
[Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the
toilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away.]
(crying) I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender
just understood the pain he caused me.
[They hear Bender laughing.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. They peer around the door. Bender
is watching All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital
Give it to me straight, doctor -- don't
Very well. Your entire family died
when a plane piloted by your fiancée
crashed into your uninsured home. And
you have inoperable cancer.
[Bender laughs and kicks his legs.]
Bet you weren't expecting that one,
[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom.]
It's like he doesn't understand simple
I wish just once Bender could feel exactly
what I feel.
Actually, through the miracle of science,
that can be arranged.
Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy
experiment that crosses a line Man was
not meant to cross?
[Farnsworth makes the "little bit" gesture.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender watches the news.]
The official death toll in that tragic
rocket crash has now been raised to
[Bender sniggers and Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin
him to the table. Farnsworth unscrews his head.]
Hey, what the hell are you doing with
[Farnsworth carries him across the room.]
I need to tinker in it.
Why don't you just use a potted plant
Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy
[He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers.]
And that'll allow Bender to feel other
Yes. If by "allow" you mean "force".
[He screws Bender's head into a vice and starts hammering the
chip into the side of it.]
Ooh! Ow! Son of a-- Careful with that!
Oh dear, oh my. I got it. Once more.
... Ow! Professor!
There we go. Now I'll simply tune it
to Leela's emotional frequency.
[He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps.]
My God, I'm overcome with ... feelings.
I'm experiencing a powerful yearning
to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel
That's me, baby!
[He turns the chip again.]
Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart
as Leela, but at the same time I feel
relieved that I'm cuter than her.
Uh ... that's me.
[She raises her hand and Fry leans back.]
(whispering) Thanks for covering.
[Farnsworth turns the chip again.]
This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling
nosy and opinionated.
Thank you, Professor. I'm happy that
Bender can finally feel my pain.
[The chip beeps.]
Happy. I like this feeling. Just don't
revert to your usual mopey self.
I'm not mopey. You shut up!
[The chip beeps.]
Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel
anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead
[He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too.]
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are on a girl's night out. Leela
is wearing a blue dress and Amy is wearing a green top.]
Thanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel
slightly less miserable already.
Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You
should get a puppy.
A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.
[She bursts into tears.]
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. They sit watching TV and Bender suddenly
What's your problem?
(crying) I miss Nibbler.
Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings.
Why can't she just drink herself happy
like a normal person?
[He cries and drinks down the bottle.]
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela
drums her fingers and growls.]
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender's chip beeps.]
Uh-oh, jealousy. (shouting) You think
you're so hot!
The only reason you get all the guys
is because you dress like a tramp!
[He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm.]
(crying) They're just responding to
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela is still sat at the bar. The guy has
his arm around Amy.]
Um, Leela? Armando and I are going to
the back seat of his car for coffee.
You gonna be alright here by yourself?
(theatrical happiness) Sure. I'm having
a great time -- really. You two go enjoy
[Fry and Bender's Lounge.]
(crying) I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go
eat a bucket of ice cream. (crying)
A bucket of ...
(shouting) The spoon's in the foot powder.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. A tear streams down Leela's face
as she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of those things
at a beach where the head is cut out. Bender and Fry watch from
the doorway. Bender sighs.]
I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live
another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.
Too bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know,
when you flush those things they stay
alive in the sewers.
Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker
saw one once. It's a widely-believed
Hmm, sewers. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
[Planet Express: Bathroom. He stands in the toilet.]
Hang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming
to save you. Damn, it's too small.
What did those human design this for
anyway? Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero!
See you on the other side!
[His body waves goodbye. Someone knocks on the door.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry pounds on the door.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom. He forces the door open.]
Have you seen my sombrero?
[He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.]
Now he's flushed himself down the toilet?
Who's he gonna flush next?
Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed
himself because your emotions made him
You're right. I feel terrible.
Oh, great, now you're making him feel
I guess we'd better go down into the
sewers and look for him.
Are you crazy? There's mutants down
there! They'll eat you alive.
[He screams and clacks his claws at her.]
There's no such thing as mutants. That's
a ridiculous urban myth.
[Farnsworth spins around in his chair.]
Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists
believe humans really could mutate down
there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic
waste and radioactive runoff and good
old American faeces.
[Fry holds his hand to his heart.]
God bless America.
[New New York City Street. In the middle of the road outside
the Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with
a picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry
peers down the hole as she drags it away.]
Phew! Uh, ladies first.
[She pushes him down the hole and he screams before splashing
into the sewer water below.]
[Cut to: New New York City Sewers. Leela peers down the hole
and Fry splutters and spits.]
Oh, and the aftertaste!
[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry crawl through the pitch black tunnels.
Fry lights a match and screams.]
What is it?
I burned my finger.
[Time Lapse. They float down the sewer river on an inflatable
yellow raft pointing flashlights around.]
OK, check the guidebook.
[Fry shines his torch onto a page in Let's Go Sewers.]
Looks like we're under Park Avenue.
Ooh, ritzy! Just think: All this was
probably once a charity luncheon for
[A noise comes from down the sewers.]
Wait, what's that?
[They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at
the other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has put his right
arm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm
socket. He groans.]
I never should have thrown out the manual.
Bender, you didn't have to come down
I know. But I just missed Nibbler so
(crying) He was so cute.
[The chip beeps.]
(crying) He was so sweet.
Eck! This emotional display is making
me nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever
[Time Lapse. The trio sit in the raft as it carries on through
the sewers. Bender's arms and legs are in the right place.]
It's no use. We'd better turn back.
Which way, Fry?
Hmm. According to this map, the only
way out is through ... that pipe. Don't
worry. It gets wider after about a mile.
[Leela and Bender look at each other and the chip beeps.]
OK, OK, nevermind. I'll just ask those
people for directions.
[He points the torch at some hideous creatures all with extra
bodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl.]
[Fry screams, then Leela, then - after his chip has beeped -
[Time Lapse. Leela, Fry and Bender stand in the sewer water staring
at the mutants.]
Mutants! They're real!
[She and Bender flinch. Fry pushes them aside.]
I'll take care of this! Back! Back!
[One of the mutants, Vyolet, a hideous woman with green scaly
skin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming
guidebook to light her cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes
out of her gills.]
[A mutant, called Dwayne, with a huge forehead and two noses
Please, do not be frightened, we're
I have three arms.
I said "harmless" not "armless".
Lay off him. You know he's only got
Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating
our brains? You're mutants.
Mutants? Perhaps it is you who are the
Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a
[Mutant Village. The mutants lead Fry, Leela and Bender down
the tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants.]
Welcome to our village. It may not be
Paris but it has a certain quaint charm
that I, for one, wouldn't trade for
You guys realise you live in a sewer,
Perhaps. But perhaps your civilisation
is merely the sewer of an even greater
society above you.
No, we're on the top.
Daylight and everything.
It must be wonderful.
[He makes the middle-of-the-road gesture.]
Listen. We actually came down here to
find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed
down the toilet.
Well if he got flushed down the toilet
he probably came through here. Everything
always does. Follow me. All that is
ours was once flushed down your toilets.
Over there is our aquarium. This is
[The library is just a shelf. Bender looks at what is on offer.]
Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
[He holds up Atlas Shrugged.]
And over here is our church.
[Cut to: Mutant Church. Fry opens the door and looks around.
In front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead.]
Wow. You guys worship an unexploded
[Cut to: Mutant Village.]
Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's
mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.
[Time Lapse. The group walk down a street and pass lots and lots
of dry cleaners.]
(shouting) Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums.
So, is it true that alligators flushed
down the toilet survive down here?
No. That's just an urban legend.
Then what are those?
We keep them as pets. Then, when they
grow too large, we flush them down into
[He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town.]
Some say there's a freakish race of
sub-mutants down there.
Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.
Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe
in ... ... El Chupanibre.
[The other mutants gasp.]
El Chupanibre? What's that?
[Dwayne strums a guitar.]
Gather round, children, for the legend
of El Chupanibre.
(singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush,
Silent as a low-flow toilet flush,
Watch your step,
'Cause sooner or later,
He'll eat you whole,
And half your alligator.
Wait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile.
It's his favourite treat. He must be
You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre
upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies.
[The growling mutants surround them.]
You don't understand. He would never
hurt people. Let us help you capture
Impossible. If the legend is true, our
only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice.
Yes. An unspoiled virgin.
Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen
Zapp Brannigan's webpage.
[Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he
Oh, I made myself feel bad.
She'll have to do. Chain her to the
post! And rip her shirt a little.
Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for
the, uh, "virgin", he will be snared
by this rope trap.
(quietly) Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon.
It is nightfall.
Nightfall? How can you tell down here?
[Splashing noises echo around the village.]
The tide is coming in.
[Vyolet lies with her ear to the water.]
Quiet, the beast approaches.
[Loud bangs come from the pipe as El Chupanibre gets closer.
The mutants, Fry and Bender scarper. Fry dives behind some boxes
and Bender and Dwayne join him. Raoul runs into a building and
draws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears
and Leela gasps. The huge shadow gets smaller and it turns out
to be Nibbler.]
Nibbler! Aw, come here precious! Look
everyone, it's El Chupanibre.
That's not El Chupanibre.
That's El Chupanibre.
[He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking
down on Bender. It has fangs and yellow bloodshot eyes. Bender
looks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away.]
I'll take care of this.
[He steps into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off
the ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets
closer to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream.]
Bender, do something.
I'm too scared.
Leela, your scaredness is being transmitted
straight to Bender. If you care about
Nibbler, stop caring about him!
I can't. I love every living creature.
As a friend.
[Leela starts to cry.]
Listen to me, Leela: I'm an expert at
not caring. The secret is to stop giving
a rat's ass about anyone else and start
thinking of the things that you want,
that you deserve, that the world owes
[El Chupanibre edges closer to Nibbler.]
Well, I could use a new tank top.
A fashionable tank top. And designer
boots ... encrusted with jewels.
Don't stop now, you'll need some pants
to go with that outfit.
Yeah. And I could afford it all if I
didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.
[Bender's chip beeps.]
Bender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler.
[He kicks Nibbler out the way and starts rotating his arms. El
Chupanibre grabs them and pulls them off. Bender groans. El Chupanibre
grabs him and lifts him towards his mouth.]
Bender's gonna be killed!
You know what else I could use? A weekend
at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone.
[El Chupanibre prepares to eat Bender. Bender's detached arms
tap him on the shoulder and he looks around. They punch him and
he drops Bender. Bender charges at him and knocks him flying
into the huge toilet. His arms flush the monster away and everyone
You did it!
Let's have a tissue-tape parade!
[Dwayne unties Leela and another mutant cuts Fry down. He falls
into the water and splutters. Nibbler runs towards Leela and
jumps into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet
with his guitar.]
Gather round, children, to hear the
legend of Bender.
[He strums the guitar.]
(singing) He came from above with a--
[A string snaps and he sighs.]
(talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Leela and Bender are back
and everyone is with them. Bender holds a cigar.]
That was a disgusting story.
And it's all thanks to Bender. I love
I love you too. Get that stupid chip
out of me before I kill myself!
[Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks
Bender, you won't believe this, but
the empathy chip burned out. The emotion
you felt for Nibbler was actually your
Looks like Bender learned an important
lesson about respecting other people's
[Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement.]
No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was
running at triple capacity.
And I still barely felt anything. Goodnight,
[He walks out.]
You know, Bender may not have learned
anything from me, but I think I actually
learned something from him. (shouting)
So long, jerkwads!