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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 205 

                                "I SECOND THAT EMOTION"

                                           By

                                    Patric M. Verrone

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an 
               oval.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         (voice-over) Futurama is brought to 
                         you by ...  ... Glagnar's Human Rinds. 
                         It's a buncha muncha cruncha human!
 
                         
               
               [The monster bites one from a packet.]

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Made From Meat By-Products.]

               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela picks up a huge can of Kibbles 
               'n' Snouts and carries it over to a huge electric can opener 
               on the wall.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Balcony. Nibbler is asleep. His third 
               eye perks up and looks around when he hears the can opener. He 
               runs inside.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry gets some coffee. Leela 
               tips the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside. 
               Nibbler sits in his food dish and the meat falls on him and he 
               scoffs it in a few bites.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww! Somebody likes snouts.

               
                                     FRY
                         Is it me?

               
               [Bender wanders in humming to himself. The magnet on the can 
               opener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Ow, my head! My precious 
                         head!  (talking) Stupid can opener. 
                         You killed my father and now you've 
                         come back for me!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You alright, Bender?

               
               [Bender rubs his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, I guess so. But I don't see why 
                         we keep this ticking time-bomb around 
                         just for that dumb animal.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't yell at Nibbler like that.  You 
                         hurt his feelings. Come on, pet him 
                         and make up.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          No.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I said pet him.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll pet him. I'll pet him with both 
                         hands!  Ow! My ass! Get off!
 
               
               [Nibbler lets go.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Are you alright?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Not you.  Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.
 
                         
               
               [She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't 
                         see anyone kissing it.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down 
               and stands up from the table.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (reluctant) Alright, I'm coming.

               
               [Animal Clinic Waiting Room. A man sits stroking a cat, a cat 
               sits stroking a man and Leela sits with Nibbler while Fry and 
               Bender stand nearby. A door opens and a woman comes out with 
               a two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant.]
 
               
                                     JEFFERY
                         Remember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper 
                         gets the suppository.  Next.
 
               
               [Animal Clinic Examination Room. Veterinary surgeries haven't 
               changed much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel 
               dispenser and an examination table in the middle of the room 
               which Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps 
               Nibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his 
               mouth.]
 
               
                                     JEFFERY
                         It's just a simple broken fang, nothing 
                         serious.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What's that you say there, doctor? You're 
                         gonna have to put him down?
 
               
                                     JEFFERY
                         No-- what? Huh?

               
               [He looks at Fry and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Terrible shame that. Shall I do the 
                         honours?
 
               
               [He reaches up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink 
               liquid in it marked "Goose Laxative". He holds the bottle by 
               it's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Leela 
               reaches across.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
               [She rips Bender's arm off and smacks it against the table until 
               it lets go of the broken bottle.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You about done?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Next time I'm keeping it.

               
               [She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it.]
 
               
               
                                     JEFFERY
                         OK, well I believe I have a replacement 
                         fang for your pet in the next room. 
                          The jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but 
                         luckily he knocked one of my teeth out. 
                          Now then.
 
               
               [He pulls out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it 
               down on a table. Fry picks it up.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's 
                         fang?
 
               
               [Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser.]

               
                                     JEFFERY
                         Um, I'm still a little woozy from a 
                         gazelle kick this morning but if he's 
                         anything like the common tree, the rings 
                         might indicate his age.
 
               
               [Fry laughs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, well, good luck. It'd take some 
                         kind of genius to count all those rings.
 
                         
               
               [Jeffery takes a look.]

               
                                     JEFFERY
                         He's five.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. A "Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler" banner 
               has been strung up on the wall.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Happy birthday, young Nibbler.

               
               [Everyone is sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents. 
               The room has been decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry 
               sticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs 
               around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww, look how cuddly he looks in his 
                         new cape!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (sarcastic) I'd be cuddly too if someone 
                         gave me a new cape.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who's playing pin the tail on the moon 
                         maggot?
 
               
               [Bender snatches a tail from his hand.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am. 
                          And the crowd goes wild! What prize 
                         do I get? Cash?
 
               
               [He turns around. No one is interested.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, look at Nibbler!

               
               [Nibbler is sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Aww, he's holding a spoon.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         He's so talented!

               
                                     BENDER
                         You call that talent? Gather round old 
                         Bender and get ready for the show of 
                         a lifetime.  Ta-da!
 
               
               [He grumbles when no one watches. Leela puts a pointy party hat 
               on Nibbler and his third eye pops out the top. Hermes gasps.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         Now he's wearing a hat!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!
 
                         
               
               [They do, all except Bender.]

               
                                     ALL
                         (singing) What day is today?

               It's Nibbler's birthday,

               What a day for a birthday,

               Let's all have some cake.

               
                                     FRY
                         (singing) ... and you smell like one 
                         too!
 
               
               [He giggles and they all applaud.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, what about this?

               
               [He dances around and whistles Sweet Georgia Brown again.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, I thought you were supposed 
                         to be cooking for this party.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just make a simple cake. And this time, 
                         if someone's going to jump out of it, 
                         make sure you put them in after you 
                         cook it.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll 
                         make you a cake you'll never forget.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender takes some rat poison out of 
               a cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something. 
               It turns out he is pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of 
               the wall.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That'll take care of those annoying 
                         rats.  Now, to bake a cake so delicious 
                         they'll have no choice but to love and 
                         worship me.
 
               
               [He whistles Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and 
               takes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He 
               juggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and 
               into a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third 
               and then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture 
               into a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches 
               it from refrigerate to E-Z bake, closes the door and hums as 
               it cooks.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a 
               little Bender ornament on the top.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         There! This'll teach those filthy bastards 
                         who's lovable. Now all I have to do 
                         is spell check it and it's ready for 
                         my admiring public.  No! Get away from 
                         there!  That's it.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Bathroom. Bender carries Nibbler in holding 
               him by his eyestalk and lifts the toilet seat lid.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Happy birthday!

               
               [He drops Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning. 
               Enter Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, what's going--  (crying) No!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table crying 
               with the rest of the staff gathered around her.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender! How could you flush Nibbler 
                         down the toilet?
 
               
               [Bender sits on a chair with his feet on the table smoking a 
               cigar.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. 
                         That was the first little annoyance. 
                         Am I right, men?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) Aren't you upset at all? How 
                         would you feel if I flushed Fry down 
                         the toilet?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Only one way to find out.

               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) You have no sympathy for anyone 
                         else's feelings.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Of course I do. Right now I feel sorry 
                         for you.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You do?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot 
                         eye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants, 
                         lady.
 
               
               [Leela cries some more.]

               
               [Planet Express: Bathroom. Everyone except Bender stands around 
               the toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And so we say goodbye to our beloved 
                         pet Nibbler, who's gone to a place where 
                         I too hope one day to go: The toilet.
 
                         
               
               [Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the 
               toilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender 
                         just understood the pain he caused me.
 
                         
               
               [They hear Bender laughing.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. They peer around the door. Bender 
               is watching All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital 
               bed.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Give it to me straight, doctor -- don't 
                         sugarcoat it.
 
               
                                     DOCTORBOT
                          Very well. Your entire family died 
                         when a plane piloted by your fiancée 
                         crashed into your uninsured home. And 
                         you have inoperable cancer.
 
               
               [Bender laughs and kicks his legs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bet you weren't expecting that one, 
                         Calculon!
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom.]

               
                                     AMY
                         It's like he doesn't understand simple 
                         humanoid emotion.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I wish just once Bender could feel exactly 
                         what I feel.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Actually, through the miracle of science, 
                         that can be arranged.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy 
                         experiment that crosses a line Man was 
                         not meant to cross?
 
               
               [Farnsworth makes the "little bit" gesture.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender watches the news.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          The official death toll in that tragic 
                         rocket crash has now been raised to 
                         54,000.
 
               
               [Bender sniggers and Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin 
               him to the table. Farnsworth unscrews his head.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, what the hell are you doing with 
                         my head?
 
               
               [Farnsworth carries him across the room.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I need to tinker in it.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Why don't you just use a potted plant 
                         like Fry?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Quiet, you. I'm installing an empathy 
                         chip.
 
               
               [He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         And that'll allow Bender to feel other 
                         people's emotions?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes. If by "allow" you mean "force".
 
                         
               
               [He screws Bender's head into a vice and starts hammering the 
               chip into the side of it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooh! Ow! Son of a-- Careful with that! 
                         Ow ...
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                          Oh dear, oh my. I got it. Once more.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         ... Ow! Professor!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                          Steady now.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ow!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There we go.  Now I'll simply tune it 
                         to Leela's emotional frequency.
 
               
               [He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         My God, I'm overcome with ... feelings. 
                         I'm experiencing a powerful yearning 
                         to ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel 
                         heads.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's me, baby!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Hmm.

               
               [He turns the chip again.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart 
                         as Leela, but at the same time I feel 
                         relieved that I'm cuter than her.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Uh ... that's me.

               
               [She raises her hand and Fry leans back.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Thanks for covering.

               
               [Farnsworth turns the chip again.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         This time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling 
                         nosy and opinionated.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bingo!

               
                                     HERMES
                         That's Leela!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Thank you, Professor. I'm happy that 
                         Bender can finally feel my pain.
 
               
               [The chip beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Happy. I like this feeling. Just don't 
                         revert to your usual mopey self.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm not mopey. You shut up!

               
               [The chip beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Anger, huh? How dare you make me feel 
                         anger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead 
                         pet!
 
               
               [He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too.]
 
               
               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are on a girl's night out. Leela 
               is wearing a blue dress and Amy is wearing a green top.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel 
                         slightly less miserable already.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You 
                         should get a puppy.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.
 
                         
               
               [She bursts into tears.]

               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge. They sit watching TV and Bender suddenly 
               cries.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's your problem?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) I miss Nibbler.

               
                                     FRY
                         You do?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings. 
                          Why can't she just drink herself happy 
                         like a normal person?
 
               
               [He cries and drinks down the bottle.]

               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela 
               drums her fingers and growls.]
 
               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender's chip beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh-oh, jealousy.  (shouting) You think 
                         you're so hot!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What?

               
                                     BENDER
                         The only reason you get all the guys 
                         is because you dress like a tramp!
 
                         
               
               [He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (crying) They're just responding to 
                         my personality.
 
               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela is still sat at the bar. The guy has 
               his arm around Amy.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Um, Leela? Armando and I are going to 
                         the back seat of his car for coffee. 
                         You gonna be alright here by yourself?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (theatrical happiness) Sure. I'm having 
                         a great time -- really. You two go enjoy 
                         yourselves.
 
               
               [They leave.]

               
               [Fry and Bender's Lounge.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go 
                         eat a bucket of ice cream.  (crying) 
                         A bucket of ...
 
               
               [He sobs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) The spoon's in the foot powder.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. A tear streams down Leela's face 
               as she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of those things 
               at a beach where the head is cut out. Bender and Fry watch from 
               the doorway. Bender sighs.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm at the end of my rope. I can't live 
                         another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Too bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know, 
                         when you flush those things they stay 
                         alive in the sewers.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Really?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yep. My friend's cousin's caseworker 
                         saw one once. It's a widely-believed 
                         fact.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hmm, sewers.  Thinking, thinking, thinking.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Bathroom. He stands in the toilet.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming 
                         to save you.  Damn, it's too small. 
                          What did those human design this for 
                         anyway?  Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero! 
                          See you on the other side!
 
               
               [His body waves goodbye. Someone knocks on the door.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry pounds on the door.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Bender? Bender?!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom. He forces the door open.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Have you seen my sombrero?

               
               [He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Now he's flushed himself down the toilet? 
                         Who's he gonna flush next?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, it's your fault. He only flushed 
                         himself because your emotions made him 
                         feel bad.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're right. I feel terrible.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, great, now you're making him feel 
                         worse!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I guess we'd better go down into the 
                         sewers and look for him.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Are you crazy? There's mutants down 
                         there! They'll eat you alive.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They're hideous!

               
               [He screams and clacks his claws at her.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         There's no such thing as mutants. That's 
                         a ridiculous urban myth.
 
               
               [Farnsworth spins around in his chair.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists 
                         believe humans really could mutate down 
                         there. Uh, due to exposure to toxic 
                         waste and radioactive runoff and good 
                         old American faeces.
 
               
               [Fry holds his hand to his heart.]

               
                                     FRY
                         God bless America.

               
               [New New York City Street. In the middle of the road outside 
               the Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with 
               a picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry 
               peers down the hole as she drags it away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Phew! Uh, ladies first.

               
               [She pushes him down the hole and he screams before splashing 
               into the sewer water below.]
 
               
               [Cut to: New New York City Sewers. Leela peers down the hole 
               and Fry splutters and spits.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, and the aftertaste!

               
               [Time Lapse. Leela and Fry crawl through the pitch black tunnels. 
               Fry lights a match and screams.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What is it?

               
                                     FRY
                         I burned my finger.

               
               [Time Lapse. They float down the sewer river on an inflatable 
               yellow raft pointing flashlights around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, check the guidebook.

               
               [Fry shines his torch onto a page in Let's Go Sewers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Looks like we're under Park Avenue. 
                         Ooh, ritzy! Just think: All this was 
                         probably once a charity luncheon for 
                         the Met.
 
               
               [A noise comes from down the sewers.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, what's that?

               
               [They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at 
               the other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has put his right 
               arm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm 
               socket. He groans.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I never should have thrown out the manual.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, you didn't have to come down 
                         here.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I know. But I just missed Nibbler so 
                         much.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) He was so cute.

               
               [The chip beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (crying) He was so sweet.

               
               [They hug.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Eck! This emotional display is making 
                         me nauseous.  Or maybe it's whatever 
                         that is.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The trio sit in the raft as it carries on through 
               the sewers. Bender's arms and legs are in the right place.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Nibbler?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Nibbler?

               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's no use. We'd better turn back. 
                         Which way, Fry?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm. According to this map, the only 
                         way out is through ... that pipe.  Don't 
                         worry. It gets wider after about a mile.
 
                         
               
               [Leela and Bender look at each other and the chip beeps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (simultaneously) Idiot.

               
                                     BENDER
                         (simultaneously) Idiot.

               
               [Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         OK, OK, nevermind. I'll just ask those 
                         people for directions.
 
               
               [He points the torch at some hideous creatures all with extra 
               bodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Mutants!

               
               [Fry screams, then Leela, then - after his chip has beeped - 
               Bender.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela, Fry and Bender stand in the sewer water staring 
               at the mutants.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Mutants! They're real!

               
               [She and Bender flinch. Fry pushes them aside.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll take care of this!  Back! Back!
 
                         
               
               [One of the mutants, Vyolet, a hideous woman with green scaly 
               skin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming 
               guidebook to light her cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes 
               out of her gills.]
 
               
                                     VYOLET
                         Thanks, handsome.

               
               [A mutant, called Dwayne, with a huge forehead and two noses 
               steps forward.]
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Please, do not be frightened, we're 
                         harmless.
 
               
                                     RAOUL
                         I have three arms.

               
                                     DWAYNE
                         I said "harmless" not "armless".

               
                                     VYOLET
                         Lay off him. You know he's only got 
                         one ear.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating 
                         our brains? You're mutants.
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Mutants? Perhaps it is you who are the 
                         mutants.
 
               
                                     VYOLET
                         Please, Dwayne, have you looked in a 
                         mirror lately?
 
               
               [Mutant Village. The mutants lead Fry, Leela and Bender down 
               the tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants.]
 
               
               
                                     RAOUL
                         Welcome to our village. It may not be 
                         Paris but it has a certain quaint charm 
                         that I, for one, wouldn't trade for 
                         the world.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You guys realise you live in a sewer, 
                         right?
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Perhaps. But perhaps your civilisation 
                         is merely the sewer of an even greater 
                         society above you.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, we're on the top.

               
                                     FRY
                         Daylight and everything.

               
               [Dwayne groans.]

               
                                     VYOLET
                         It must be wonderful.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh.

               
               [He makes the middle-of-the-road gesture.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Listen. We actually came down here to 
                         find our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed 
                         down the toilet.
 
               
                                     RAOUL
                         Well if he got flushed down the toilet 
                         he probably came through here. Everything 
                         always does. Follow me.  All that is 
                         ours was once flushed down your toilets. 
                         Over there is our aquarium.  This is 
                         our library.
 
               
               [The library is just a shelf. Bender looks at what is on offer.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
 
                         
               
               [He holds up Atlas Shrugged.]

               
                                     RAOUL
                         And over here is our church.

               
               [Cut to: Mutant Church. Fry opens the door and looks around. 
               In front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow. You guys worship an unexploded 
                         nuclear bomb?
 
               
               [Cut to: Mutant Village.]

               
                                     VYOLET
                         Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's 
                         mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. The group walk down a street and pass lots and lots 
               of dry cleaners.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Nibbler?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         So, is it true that alligators flushed 
                         down the toilet survive down here?
 
                         
               
                                     VYOLET
                         No. That's just an urban legend.

               
                                     BENDER
                          Then what are those?

               
                                     VYOLET
                         Crocodiles.

               
               [She snorts.]

               
                                     RAOUL
                         We keep them as pets. Then, when they 
                         grow too large, we flush them down into 
                         the sub-sewer.
 
               
               [He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town.]
 
               
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Some say there's a freakish race of 
                         sub-mutants down there.
 
               
                                     VYOLET
                         Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.
 
                         
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe 
                         in ...  ... El Chupanibre.
 
               
               [The other mutants gasp.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         El Chupanibre? What's that?

               
               [Dwayne strums a guitar.]

               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Gather round, children, for the legend 
                         of El Chupanibre.
 
               (singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush,

               Silent as a low-flow toilet flush,

               Watch your step,

               'Cause sooner or later,

               He'll eat you whole,

               And half your alligator.

               
                                     VYOLET
                         Crocodile.

               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Whatever.

               
               [Vyolet snorts.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile. 
                         It's his favourite treat. He must be 
                         El Chupanibre.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, yeah!

               
                                     RAOUL
                         You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre 
                         upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies.
 
                         
               
               [The growling mutants surround them.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You don't understand. He would never 
                         hurt people. Let us help you capture 
                         him.
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Impossible. If the legend is true, our 
                         only hope is to offer him a snack-rifice.
 
                         
               
                                     RAOUL
                         Yes. An unspoiled virgin.

               
                                     LEELA
                          I volunteer.

               
                                     VYOLET
                         Nice try, Leela, but we've all seen 
                         Zapp Brannigan's webpage.
 
               
               [Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he 
               groans.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, I made myself feel bad.

               
                                     RAOUL
                         She'll have to do. Chain her to the 
                         post!  And rip her shirt a little.  
                         Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for 
                         the, uh, "virgin", he will be snared 
                         by this rope trap.
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         (quietly) Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon. 
                         It is nightfall.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Nightfall? How can you tell down here?
 
                         
               
               [Splashing noises echo around the village.]

               
                                     DWAYNE
                         The tide is coming in.

               
               [Vyolet lies with her ear to the water.]

               
                                     VYLOET
                         Quiet, the beast approaches.

               
               [Loud bangs come from the pipe as El Chupanibre gets closer. 
               The mutants, Fry and Bender scarper. Fry dives behind some boxes 
               and Bender and Dwayne join him. Raoul runs into a building and 
               draws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears 
               and Leela gasps. The huge shadow gets smaller and it turns out 
               to be Nibbler.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nibbler! Aw, come here precious!  Look 
                         everyone, it's El Chupanibre.
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         That's not El Chupanibre.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Say what?

               
                                     DWAYNE
                         That's El Chupanibre.

               
               [He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking 
               down on Bender. It has fangs and yellow bloodshot eyes. Bender 
               looks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll take care of this.

               
               [He steps into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off 
               the ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets 
               closer to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, do something.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm too scared.

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, your scaredness is being transmitted 
                         straight to Bender. If you care about 
                         Nibbler, stop caring about him!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I can't. I love every living creature.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Even me?

               
                                     LEELA
                         As a friend.

               
                                     FRY
                         Damn.

               
               [Leela starts to cry.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Listen to me, Leela: I'm an expert at 
                         not caring. The secret is to stop giving 
                         a rat's ass about anyone else and start 
                         thinking of the things that you want, 
                         that you deserve, that the world owes 
                         you.
 
               
               [El Chupanibre edges closer to Nibbler.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, I could use a new tank top.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bigger! Bigger!

               
                                     LEELA
                         A fashionable tank top. And designer 
                         boots ... encrusted with jewels.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Don't stop now, you'll need some pants 
                         to go with that outfit.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah. And I could afford it all if I 
                         didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.
 
                         
               
               [Bender's chip beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler.
 
                         
               
               [He kicks Nibbler out the way and starts rotating his arms. El 
               Chupanibre grabs them and pulls them off. Bender groans. El Chupanibre 
               grabs him and lifts him towards his mouth.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender's gonna be killed!

               
                                     LEELA
                         You know what else I could use? A weekend 
                         at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone.
 
                         
               
               [El Chupanibre prepares to eat Bender. Bender's detached arms 
               tap him on the shoulder and he looks around. They punch him and 
               he drops Bender. Bender charges at him and knocks him flying 
               into the huge toilet. His arms flush the monster away and everyone 
               cheers.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (cheering) Yeah!

               
                                     LEELA
                         You did it!

               
                                     RAOUL
                         Let's have a tissue-tape parade!

               
                                     BENDER
                         No thanks.

               
               [Dwayne unties Leela and another mutant cuts Fry down. He falls 
               into the water and splutters. Nibbler runs towards Leela and 
               jumps into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet 
               with his guitar.]
 
               
                                     DWAYNE
                         Gather round, children, to hear the 
                         legend of Bender.
 
               [He strums the guitar.]

               (singing) He came from above with a--

               [A string snaps and he sighs.]

               (talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another 
               guitar string.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Leela and Bender are back 
               and everyone is with them. Bender holds a cigar.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That was a disgusting story.

               
                                     LEELA
                         And it's all thanks to Bender. I love 
                         you, Bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I love you too.  Get that stupid chip 
                         out of me before I kill myself!
 
               
               [Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks 
               at it.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Bender, you won't believe this, but 
                         the empathy chip burned out. The emotion 
                         you felt for Nibbler was actually your 
                         own.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Looks like Bender learned an important 
                         lesson about respecting other people's 
                         feelings afterall.
 
               
               [Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was 
                         running at triple capacity.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And I still barely felt anything. Goodnight, 
                         losers!
 
               
               [He walks out.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You know, Bender may not have learned 
                         anything from me, but I think I actually 
                         learned something from him.  (shouting) 
                         So long, jerkwads!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                          So long!

               
               THE END

               

I Second That Emotion



Writers :   Patric M. Verrone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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