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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 312

                                "INSANE IN THE MAINFRAME"

                                           By

                                      Bill Odenkirk

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are in an oval.]

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         (voice-over) Futurama is brought to 
                         you by ...  ... Thompson's Teeth: The 
                         only teeth strong enough to eat other 
                         teeth.
 
               
               [The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table. 
               Zoidberg is wearing a suit.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone! Today marks our 
                         dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year 
                         with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in 
                         order.
 
               
               [The crew react uninterestedly.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!

               
                                     AMY
                         (unenthusiastic) Huzzah!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         I will now read the mandatory speech. 
                          (reading) Dear employee: Has it really 
                         been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please 
                         disregard this and get back to work. 
                         Distribute token of appreciation and 
                         applaud.
 
               
               [He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and 
               takes out two coupons.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes 
                         for the price of one! Now if I could 
                         only afford the one ... and the car. 
                         Ah, the years! So many memories, so 
                         many strange fluids gushing out of patients' 
                         bodies--
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. 
                          It's empty because you haven't paid 
                         into it, you dumb stinkbug!
 
               
               [Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You kept track of it all these years!
 
                         
               
               [He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into 
                         the pension either. What'll I do when 
                         I retire?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I thought you were retired.

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I don't see you planning for your 
                         old age.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off 
                         switch to "off".
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well I'm gonna take action. It's time 
                         to check on my retirement fund.  Damn! 
                         Still only $100.
 
               
                                     FRANKLIN
                         (on bill) A penny saved is a penny earned. 
                         Also, could you get some athlete's foot 
                         cream for my face?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He's right! I've gotta start investing 
                         wisely.
 
               
               [Outside 7^11. Fry and Bender sit on the kerb. Bender drinks 
               beer.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket. 
                          Cherry.  Cherry!  Mule. Crud!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So, you got six bucks left to retire 
                         on. I recommend Tender Vittles.
 
               
               [Big Apple Bank.]

               
                                     TELLER
                         You're opening a retirement account 
                         for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ...  ... 
                         mule farmer like yourself is aware that 
                         we charge a $10 monthly fee.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shrugging) You gotta spend money to 
                         make money.
 
               
               [The teller presses some buttons.]

               
                                     TELLER
                         Here you are, sir. Your account is now 
                         overdrawn by $4.
 
               
               [An orange robot in the queue behind Bender becomes impatient 
               and nudges Bender.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Gee, I've seen lines move faster in 
                         a sperm bank.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That's for sure--  Roberto! Is that 
                         you?
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Bender! Hey, man!

               
               [He punches Bender's body a few times and then in the head which 
               makes it spin. Bender stops it from spinning and laughs.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You old lunatic! How you been?

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Not bad, not bad.  Everybody on the 
                         floor! This is a stick-up!
 
               
               [The customers scream and do as he says. Fry screams and hides 
               behind a plant. Bender seems oblivious.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, I'm doing OK too.  I'm taking 
                         a Chinese cooking class at the Learning 
                         Annex.
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sure thing, pal.

               
               [He picks up the bag. Fry moves behind the plant.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Hey, you! Red!  Quit watering that plant 
                         and get the door!
 
               
               [Fry runs for the door and kicks a woman on the way.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, nice talking to you.

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Same here.  You guys are alright! Here's 
                         something for your trouble.
 
               
               [He gives then a bag each and leaves.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Big Apple Bank. Roberto runs off down the street.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, thanks, buddy!

               
               [Police cars pull up around the door and Smitty and URL jump 
               on Fry and Bender.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         Freeze, punks! You're under arrest!
 
                         
               
                                     NIXON
                         (on $1000 bill) Shoot them in the back! 
                         Quick! While they're not looking!
 
                         
               
               [Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented 
               by the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender is wearing a tie and jacket.]
 
               
               
                                     BAILLIF
                         Court is in session. The Honourable 
                         Judge Whitey presiding.
 
               
                                     WHITEY
                         The charge is bank robbery. Now, my 
                         caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank 
                         is a place where people put money that 
                         isn't properly invested. Therefore, 
                         robbing a bank is tantamount to that 
                         most heinous of crimes: Theft of money!
 
                         
               
               [He bangs his gavel.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The surveillance camera is in the witness box.]
 
               
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         As the surveillance camera for the bank 
                         what all the judge was a-jawing about, 
                         could ya'll tell us what you done seen 
                         the day of the crime?
 
               
                                     CAMERA
                         Well, let's see. My memory's a little 
                         fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:
 
                         
               
               [It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking 
               the money from Roberto. The court gasps.]
 
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred 
                         for introducing this evidence against 
                         my own clients.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot 
                         a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I sure do! That's the real robber and 
                         I'll never forget his name as long as 
                         I live. And that name is--
 
               
               [The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised 
               Roberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry. 
               Fry chokes.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Fry! Just give a name. You 
                         don't wanna look stupid on Court TV!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You're right. You're right. It was--
 
                         
               
               [A mobile phone playing Mozart's Eine Kleine Nacht Musik as a 
               ringtone goes off. It is Judge Whitey's.]
 
               
                                     WHITEY
                         Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll 
                         be killed? Oh. It's for you.
 
               
               [He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                          ...and the other hamburger will...
 
                         
               
               [Roberto is sat among other people who don't seem to notice he 
               is talking on his phone.]
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         ...also be made of your lungs. So long, 
                         pal.
 
               
               [He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I refuse to testify on the grounds that 
                         my organs will be chopped up into a 
                         patté.
 
               
                                     WHITEY
                         Ah, the 67th Amendment.

               
               [The Hyper-Chicken leans into Bender.]

               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken 
                         but I know when we're finger-licked. 
                         Whattya say we plead insanity?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         A few months in an insane asylum? I 
                         could do that standing on my head.
 
                         
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         If you start now, it might help our 
                         case.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]
 
               
               
                                     WHITEY
                         Counselor, what evidence do you offer 
                         to support this new plea of insanity?
 
                         
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Well, for one, they done hired me to 
                         represent them.
 
               
               [Whitey bangs his gavel.]

               
                                     WHITEY
                         Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender, 
                         I hereby commit you to the asylum for 
                         criminally insane robots until such 
                         time as you are deemed cured.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yahoo! The system fails again!

               
                                     WHITEY
                         And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the 
                         home for criminally insane humans.
 
                         
               
                                     BAILIFF
                         Your Honour, that facility has been 
                         full ever since you ruled that being 
                         poor is a mental illness.
 
               
                                     WHITEY
                          Order! Order! The only poor people 
                         I want to hear about are the people 
                         who tend to my pores at the spa. Just 
                         send them both to the robot loony bin 
                         and let's go.
 
               
               [Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps "Defective 
               Electronics" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard 
               box and it is taped up. The men then "roll" the box out of the 
               room by tipping it onto each side.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (from box) Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! 
                         Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Keep your chin up!

               
                                     FRY
                         (from box) Ow! My chin!

               
               [Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and 
               other robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps 
               Bender on the shoulder.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't belong here, Bender. This is 
                         an asylum for insane robots!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, you meet half the qualifications.
 
                         
               
               [He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying 
               "Physical Exam" over the doorway.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine 
                         my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll 
                         see I'm not a--
 
               
               [A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with 
               nothing but his naked pink skin. He moves along the belt, through 
               the door and screams.]
 
               
               [Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and 
               taken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick 
               up Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills 
               through Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when 
               he sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates 
               inside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we 
               see a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next. 
               His stomach acid starts to boil.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What the--?

               
               [He burps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) I find that offensive!

               
               [Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor 
               of Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma 
               ball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He 
               speaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling 
               and lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]
 
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let 
                         me give you something to help you relax.
 
                         
               
               [He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Look! There's been a terrible mistake. 
                         I'm a human being. See?  I'm all squishy 
                         and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.
 
                         
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         Yes, you do. You need to relax more. 
                          Terrific. Now, consider the following: 
                         You were admitted to this robot asylum. 
                         Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis 
                         complete.
 
               
               [The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I do other human stuff! I age! See?
 
                         
               
               [He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes 
               in.]
 
               
                                     NURSE RATCHET
                         I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with 
                         me, won't you?
 
               
               [A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes 
               out and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her 
               arm as a winch.]
 
               
               [Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet is holding Fry against 
               her in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]
 
               
                                     NURSE RATCHET
                         We'll meet your roommate next, shall 
                         we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices 
                         really were insane.
 
               
                                     NURSE RATCHET
                         He's very excitable.  So don't say anything 
                         to excite him.
 
               
               [Fry steps in.]

               
               [Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door closes. The cell is a tiny 
               space, the right size for a robot. Malfunctioning Eddie is standing 
               with a cigarette, shaking a little. He holds out his hand.]
 
               
               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                         Pleased to meet you.

               
                                     FRY
                          Actually, we've met once before.

               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                         What?

               
               [He explodes.]

               
               [Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing 
               cards, a sign that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter 
               to Yourself Here But it Helps", a robot caressing a column and 
               various others.]
 
               
                                     HAIRBOT
                         I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. 
                         I'm a pretty girl.
 
               
               [Bender sits with Fry.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Whoa! Someone had a busy day.

               
                                     FRY
                         My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta 
                         help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm 
                         human?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't wanna!

               
                                     UNIT 2013
                         Hey, man. I believe you're a human.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You do?

               
                                     UNIT 2013
                         Sure. They don't believe I'm a human 
                         either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme 
                         introduce you around.  Fry, meet Norm. 
                         How's it going, pal? Still picking up 
                         transmissions from the CIA on your teeth?
 
                         
               
                                     NORM
                         They just won't stop!

               
               [He opens his mouth and his teeth have little revolving satellite 
               dishes on them.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                          The CIA cafeteria menu for the week 
                         of May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's 
                         pie. Tu--
 
               
                                     UNIT 2013
                          Cuckoo!

               
               [They look at an Abraham Lincoln robot in the corner.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Let me guess: He thinks he's Lincoln?
 
                         
               
                                     UNIT 2013
                         Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's 
                         got multiple personalities; all of them 
                         Lincoln.
 
               
               [The robot stands up.]

               
                                     LINCOLNBOT
                         I was born in 200 log cabins.

               
               [Hal Institue Cafeteria. Fry and Unit 2013 queue for dinner.]
 
               
               
                                     UNIT 2013
                         And this here is Frankie. He's convinced 
                         he's a lunchroom worker, so they put 
                         him to work in the lunchroom. (patronising) 
                         How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?
 
                         
               
                                     FRANKIE
                          It's alright.

               
                                     UNIT 2013
                         Poor Frankie!

               
               [Frankie ladels some oil onto Fry's tray. Fry then sits at a 
               table with a Pay 'n' Chew vending machine, the Lincolnbot, Bender, 
               Unit 2013 and some other robots.]
 
               
                                     MAD HATTERBOT
                         Change places!

               
               [The robots move around the table. They knock into Fry and he 
               spills his oil on his gown.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, I can't take much more of this! 
                         I want outta here!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Are you crazy? This place is great! 
                         Electroshock whenever you want it, two 
                         Lincolns for every Napoleon.  Ah! Sweet 
                         light crude!
 
               
               [He takes some money sticking out from the vending machine pay 
               slot and wipes his mouth with it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But I'm not a robot like you. I don't 
                         like having discs crammed into me. Unless 
                         they're Oreos - and then only in the 
                         mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna 
                         die here!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it 
                         like a robot.
 
               
               [Fry growls.]

               
                                     MAD HATTERBOT
                         Change places!

               
               [The robots move again and Fry spills more oil.]

               
               [Hal Institute Visitors' Room. A banner advertises "Gibberish 
               Translators Available". Victor sits with Malfunctioning Eddie.]
 
               
               
                                     VICTOR
                         The doctor says you are making great 
                         strides with your exploding problem.
 
                         
               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                         Well the way I see it=--

               
               [He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table 
               are Fry, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes. Fry has his 
               arms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender is 
               wearing a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door. 
               One of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the 
               table.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You gotta get me out of here. I would 
                         have starved to death if not for that 
                         sick vending machine robot.  Gimmie! 
                         Gimmie!
 
               
               [He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for 
                         freedom!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         We're all trying to help you. We've 
                         petitioned the governor but he doesn't 
                         want to appear soft on people who've 
                         been falsely imprisoned.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         At least I have friends on the outside. 
                         Bender's been no help at all.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Je suis Napoleon!  No, seriously, I'm 
                         not.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender! You should be more ashamed of 
                         yourself than usual.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying 
                         to get through a difficult time using 
                         humour.
 
               
               [Nurse Ratchet wheels past.]

               
                                     NURSE RATCHET
                         Visiting hours are over. Time for our 
                         medication disks.
 
               
               [The Planet Express staff get up to leave. Fry grabs Farnsworth.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Help me! For God's sake, 
                         help me!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent 
                         a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum. 
                         But now it's nearly over. So long.
 
                         
               
               [He leaves.]

               
               [Hal Institute Cell. It is night and Fry and Malfunctioning Eddie 
               are sleeping. Fry mutters in his sleep.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (sleep-talking) Thirty days hath September, 
                         April, June and ... wonder ... is that 
                         peanut butter ... what am I gonna do? 
                          (talking) Oh, God! What? What? What 
                         is it now?
 
               
               [The door opens. Nurse Ratchet and Dr. Perceptron are outside.]
 
               
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         You are being released.

               
                                     FRY
                         Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy 
                         justice!
 
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         Not you. Him.

               
               [He points at Malfunctioning Eddie.]

               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                         Me? What a surprise.  Look!

               
               [Cut to: Hal Institute Corridor. Eddie rolls out of the cell.]
 
               
               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                         I barely exploded at all.

               
               [He and Perceptron roll away.]

               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         We can control that with medication.
 
                         
               
                                     NURSE RATCHET
                         Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?
 
                         
               
               [A porter pushes a metal box to the cell doorway.]

               
               [Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door of the box opens revealing 
               Roberto. Fry gasps.]
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Hi, Red!

               
                                     FRY
                         Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?
 
                         
               
               [Roberto steps out and holds up his knife.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         I got busted robbing that bank again.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                          Why would you hold up the same bank 
                         twice?
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Ah, that first time was just to case 
                         the joint and rob it a little.  What's 
                         the matter? You scared?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         N--, n--, n--

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back, 
                         I gotta practice my stabbing.
 
               
               [He stabs at the air and makes nutcase noises. Fry ducks and 
               dodges the knife.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!
 
                         
               
               [Bender bangs from the next cell.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting; from cell) Hey! Keep it down 
                         in there! I'm tuning my banjo!
 
               
               [He tunes it and Fry keeps dodging the knife.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself 
                         a robot?
 
               
               [He stabs some more.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm not a robot! (shouting) I'm not 
                         a robot!
 
               
               [He screams.]

               
               [Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. The other Planet Express 
               staff are there.]
 
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         In answer to your question, Hermes, 
                         yes, your friend is cured.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What a relief!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Thank God!

               
               [The door opens and Fry walks in with an emotionless look on 
               his face.]
 
               
                                     DR. PERCEPTRON
                         You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions 
                         of humanity.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (mechanical voice) Affirmative. I feel 
                         nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep 
                         ...
 
               
               [The Planet Express staff gasp.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You've made a terrible mistake. He's 
                         a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!
 
                         
               
               [She holds Fry to her chest and he "beeps" faster. Nurse Ratchet 
               pushes Bender in a wheelchair past the door. He sings and plays 
               the banjo.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Gonna sing a little tale about 
                         a battle called Waterloo. (talking) 
                         Bonjour, y'all!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the examination 
               table and the other staff stand around.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Listen to me, Fry. Just because you 
                         think you're a robot, doesn't make you 
                         a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor 
                         but that doesn't make me a doctor. These 
                         fancy clothes do!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (mechanical voice) Negative. I must 
                         be a robot. Why else would human women 
                         refuse to date me?
 
               
               [Leela strokes his hair.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, lots of reasons.

               
                                     FRY
                         (mechanical voice) Bio-units, terminate 
                         noise exchange. It is time for you to 
                         ingest sandwiches from my compartment.
 
                         
               
               [He unzips his trousers, takes out two sandwiches and offers 
               them to the others. They back away.]
 
               
               [Hal Institute Day Room. Bender tunes Norm's teeth with a screwdriver.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!

               
                                     COMMENTATOR
                          And down the stretch, it's Daddy's 
                         Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial 
                         Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's 
                         Lasty!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on, Lasty!

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Hey, Bender.

               
               [He is pushing a hover-bed. Bender turns around and fakes surprise.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see 
                         you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't 
                         squeal on you, remember? Remember all 
                         that squealing I didn't do? Remember? 
                         Do ya?
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead. 
                         And don't ham it up!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, sure.  Anything for you, buddy.
 
                         
               
               [Enter Dr. Perceptron.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.
 
                         
               
               [From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron 
               and making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed 
               wearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing 
               the bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, what's with the get-up?

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking 
                         of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill 
                         ya so you don't squeal?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm in! I'm in!  So when were you planning 
                         the breakout?
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.
 
                         
               
               [Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the 
               institute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender 
               jumps off the bed.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Quick! Let's keep escaping!

               
               [They run off into the woods.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts 
               and bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is 
               a small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through 
               it and into the river.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds 
               later they crash through the back and take off in a biplane. 
               The biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn 
               doors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Times two, carry the one ...

               
               [He presses a "carry the one" button on his calculator and looks 
               up to see Fry standing beside him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, you sad, worthless human.

               
               [He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located 
               incinerator.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         What are ya--? Sacred hog of Prague! 
                         That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Fear not! For I shall assist ye!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Robots don't say "ye"!

               
                                     FRY
                         Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall 
                         meet your calculatory needs.  What is 
                         the meaning of this symbol?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired 
                         loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
 
                         
               
               [Fry narrows his eyes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll show ye!

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the 
               ship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps. 
               She grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the 
               spanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.

               
               [He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil 
               from Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside 
               pocket. He tries the nut again.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're not a tool-bot. You're not a 
                         food-motron. You're not a robot of any 
                         kind.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered 
                         my primary function yet.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to 
                         remind Fry of his humanity the way only 
                         a woman can.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You're going to do his laundry?

               
               [Amy slaps him.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (sexfully) Fry, this is for you.

               
               [She kisses him. Fry smiles and Leela smiles back, thinking she's 
               cured him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Beep.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, for God's sake!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another 
               bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's 
               feet.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         By a scallop's forelocks! What's with 
                         all the beer, Fry?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (drunk) Alcohol fuels my power cells. 
                          And as a mighty robot, I--  Beep.
 
                         
               
               [He starts to snore.]

               
               [New New York City Street.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Thanks for helping me escape, Bender.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, it was nothing.

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         (shouting) It was not nothing! (talking) 
                         I wanna repay you. Let me get you something 
                         in here.
 
               
               [He drags Bender into the Big Apple Bank.]

               
               [Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         (shouting) Hands up! This is a stick-up 
                         again!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wow! Hitting the same place three times? 
                         I admire your style, Roberto.
 
               
               [Roberto walks to the teller.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Gimmie the remaining dough. And the 
                         calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear 
                         it so most of the beads are on my end!
 
                         
               
               [The teller ducks and URL and Smitty stand up behind her with 
               their lasers armed.]
 
               
                                     URL
                         Police! You're busted!

               
                                     SMITTY
                         And don't try anything. This glass here 
                         is laser-proof.  Fire lasers!  Duck! 
                         Lasers!
 
               
               [Roberto pulls the glass clean off the mount and with his arm 
               still poking through he grabs the money.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on! I got a place where I like 
                         to hide after crimes.
 
               
               [They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto 
               uses the glass as a sheild until they are out of the door.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch Fry sleeping on the 
               overturned couch.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken 
                         angel.
 
               
               [Enter Bender and Roberto.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (panting) Hey, everybody. Meet my good 
                         pal, Roberto.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Hey, mon.

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Nice to meet you.

               
                                     SMITTY
                         (on megaphone; from outside) Come out 
                         with your hands up.
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         (shouting) Hostages!

               
               [Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto 
               stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Back off! I got hostages!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray! I'm helping!

               
                                     SMITTY
                         (on megaphone) Do you have any better 
                         hostages?
 
               
               [The megaphone is built into URL.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Roberto turns around.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna 
                         execute some of you. How 'bout you?
 
                         
               
               [He nicks Farnsworth's neck.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ouch! That's going to bleed when my 
                         heart beats.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! Take me first!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! Take her first.

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. More police cars have arrived outside. Roberto has 
               everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter 
               in fright.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, the fear!

               
               [Roberto kneels next to Bender.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         I'm thinking of a number between one 
                         and ten. Guess it and you die first. 
                         Go!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Um ... OK. Fixty ... six ... ish?

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can 
                         think about! I'm gonna kill you, you 
                         ... no good ... 56-ing--
 
               
               [Bender squeals. Roberto jabs at his with the knife and Bender 
               extends his head on a cable, dodging the knife.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come 
                         down with Stockholm syndrome ... handsome!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Halt, fellow robot!

               
               [He stands up from behind the couch.]

               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Hey, Red. You're just in time to join 
                         the hostage situation. Which side you 
                         wanna be on?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         The side that kicks your twisted, metal 
                         ass!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Negative, bossy meat creature. I know 
                         now what my primary function is: I am 
                         a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the 
                         weak from crazy robots.
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy! 
                         I'm just not user-friendly!
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered 
                         by the health plan!
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Let's see how much of a robot you really 
                         are!
 
               
               [He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry 
               doesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the 
               tin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak 
               through his jacket.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium 
                         armour.
 
               
               [He starts walking towards Roberto, spinning his arms and making 
               a mechanical noise. Roberto backs away.]
 
               
                                     ROBERTO
                         Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody 
                         help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled 
                         the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No! 
                         Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!
 
                         
               
               [He throws the knife at Fry and it slices open his arm. Fry doesn't 
               notice and keeps walking towards him. He screams and jumps through 
               the window.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Roberto falls and lands in the 
               road. His left eye and right arm are broken. He whimpers and 
               collapses.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         (on megaphone) We're willing to listen 
                         to your demands.
 
               
               [He starts to put the receiver back into URL's body.]

               
                                     URL
                         Hey, baby. Wash that off before you 
                         put it back.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Who's brave now?

               
                                     AMY
                         Hooray!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Bravo!

               
               [Fry starts to untie them.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You did it, Fry.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit 
                         to my race.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (mechanical voice) It was nothing. I-- 
                          (normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood. 
                         I must be a, a--
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A squid?

               
                                     FRY
                         A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Also good.

               
               [Time Lapse. The police cars clear away. Zoidberg cuts a bandage 
               that he has wrapped around Fry's wound.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks for saving us, Fry.

               
               [She kisses him on the cheek.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm gonna continue never washing this 
                         cheek again.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy 
                         skin, but inside, you've got the heart 
                         of a robot.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aw. Thanks, Bender.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Just like inside me, I've got the heart 
                         of a human.  What?
 
               
               THE END

               
                                     BENDER
                         (over credits) What?

               
               

Insane In The Mainframe



Writers :   Bill Odenkirk
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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