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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 505

                             "KIF GETS KNOCKED UP A NOTCH"

                                           By

                                      Bill Odenkirk

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Bigfoot's Choice.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Amy flies in on a party-board.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Woohoo!  Shman! The Great Rad Spot is 
                         mega sweet for mega party-boarding.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Indeed.

               
                                     AMY
                         Any calls while I was out?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission 
                         from Kif a couple hours ago.
 
               
               [Amy gasps.]

               
                                     AMY
                         My Kiffie called?  Kif?

               
                                     KIF [ON SCREEN]
                         Ooo Amy you're back. Another hour and 
                         I would have thought about hanging up.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Why didn't you just leave a message 
                         sweetie?
 
               
                                     KIF [ON SCREEN]
                         Well um, I've left hundreds of messages 
                         with your answering machine but you 
                         never seem to...
 
               
                                     AMY (SHOUTING)
                         Bender!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Not my fault if you don't check me! 
                          Messages erased.
 
               
                                     KIF [ON SCREEN]
                         Oh dearest, this long distance relationship 
                         is too much to bear......when even an 
                         inch seperates us I quiver with misery. 
                         So you can imagine how I feel when it's 
                         a billion light years.
 
               
               [He cries.]

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room.]

               
                                     AMY [ON SCREEN]
                         Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy 
                         ache.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. On the screen Zapp walks up 
               behind Kif.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP [ON SCREEN]
                         Lieutenant, some things came off me 
                         and clogged the drain so if you could......oh 
                         ho! What's this?
 
               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room. Zapp zooms the screen in 
               on Leela.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well well well! Do my eyes believe me 
                         or is that my bosomy swan, Leela?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA [ON SCREEN]
                         Say again. You're breaking up!

               
               [She throws the book she is reading at the screen.]

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela's book hits the screen 
               and smashes it, cutting off the line. Amy groans. Enter Farnsworth.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news everyone. You'll be delivering 
                         pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel 
                         7.
 
               
               [Enter Scruffy, wheeling in a huge pill.]

               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol 
                         near there! You could drop me off on 
                         the way!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We could but we won't! It's a spaceship 
                         dammit not a prom limousine!  If anyone 
                         needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.
 
                         
               
               [He leaves, waving his fists.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off. Farnsworth 
               paces around and curses in the Angry Dome which is a small transparent 
               structure in the roof between the hangar and Farnsworth's home 
               dome.]
 
               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The ship leaves Earth orbit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         This is a very long trip, so we'll all 
                         have to go into hibernative-naptosis 
                         to save oxygen.
 
               
               [She presses a button and the lights dim. Bender curses.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't even breathe oxygen!

               
               [He shuts down.]

               
               [Ship's Cargo Bay. The crew are asleep. In the darkness of the 
               cargo bay, the giant pill begins to shake. It breaks apart and 
               Amy climbs out of it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Amy sneaks past a snoring Bender, sits 
               in the pilot's seat and takes control of the ship.]
 
               
                                     AMY (WHISPERING)
                         Here I come Kif!

               
               [She turns the ship around and laughs.]

               
               [Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches Casper The Friendly Ghost on the 
               screen and chuckles.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         They jump right out of their pants! 
                          Oh what now? Activate glass window. 
                          Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance 
                         in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship 
                         intimacy!
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Yes sir captain!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Nimbus. The front section of the Nimbus's starboard 
               leg opens up and swallows the Planet Express ship Ó la the SPECTRE 
               spaceship in You Only Live Twice.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Leela's Quarters. The lights come on and a startled 
               Leela wakes up. She turns over and sees Zapp lying beside her.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         How 'bout I help you finish that dream 
                         you were having about me?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, I was just at this part: Heyya!
 
                         
               
               [She punches him and he falls off the bed.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh, let's try that a little lower and 
                         a lot softer!
 
               
               [Kif's Quarters. Kif and Amy sit on his bed.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Imagine you stowing away and stealing 
                         a licenced starship! Oh it's so romantic 
                         it gives me the shivvers!
 
               
               [He shivvers.]

               
                                     AMY
                         I don't care how much trouble I get 
                         in. I needed to feel my lips pressed 
                         against your lipless beak!
 
               
               [They kiss.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh Amy, I can't stand having a whole 
                         universe between us. I've been thinking 
                         a lot about this and, well, would you 
                         move in with me?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Here? But...uh...wouldn't it be crowded?
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         No no, it's really twice the size! You 
                         can use the floor and, I'll have the 
                         ceiling! See?
 
               
               [He climbs up the wall and onto the ceiling. Amy giggles.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Kif! You have so much creativity and 
                         niceness, but......I'm not sure if I 
                         -
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Hush! Before you answer, come thither!
 
                         
               
               [Nimbus Holo-Shed. A bare room which looks very similar to the 
               Holodeck from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The walls, floors 
               and ceiling are criss-crossed with lines. Amy looks around.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         This is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate 
                         anything you desire, and nothing can 
                         hurt you. Except when it malfunctions 
                         and the holograms become real.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Well, that probably won't happen this 
                         time.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I wanted to show you what life would 
                         be like if we were together. Computer: 
                         Run program Kif-1.
 
               
               [The environment changes to a mountainous landscape with a small 
               house in the background. Amy gasps.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         This is so beautiful!  Spirit! Kif! 
                         That's the pony I always wanted but 
                         my parents said I had too many ponies 
                         already!
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Yes. I prgorammed it in for you! 4 million 
                         lines of BASIC! And, if this isn't the 
                         life you want, how 'bout this? Run program 
                         Kif-2!
 
               
               [The environment changes to a night-time scene by a moonlit lake.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh Kif!

               
               [They put their arms around each other.]

               
                                     KIF
                         We could live here by the shore of the 
                         tranquilibrious sea, in a timeshare. 
                         And I would pluck the moon from the 
                         sky, just to see you smile.  Almost 
                         got it.  It seems to be sort of, stuck! 
                          I love you!  Run program Kif://3.
 
                         
               
               [The environment changes to a castle in the clouds.]

               
                                     AMY
                         This isn't bad. My aunt had a place 
                         like this.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy, we could live in a bus station 
                         bathroom for all I care. As long as 
                         we're together it will feel like a castle 
                         to me.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Kif, I'd love to live with you...someday. 
                         But before then there's still lots I 
                         wanna do on my own.  What was that?
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh dear. I feel the Holo-Shed might 
                         be broken again. Well, as long as we 
                         don't cross paths with Atilla the -
 
                         
               
               [...Hun bursts through the castle gates followed by Moriarty 
               from the Sherlock Holmes novels, Jack The Ripper and an evil 
               Abraham Lincoln.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Look! Spirit!

               
               [Atilla the Hun is riding Spirit, who rears up and roars like 
               a very angry rabid horse.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         And there's Professor Moriarty, Jack 
                         The Ripper, Evil Lincoln!
 
               
               [Evil Lincoln cackles.]

               
                                     MORIARTY
                         Right-o gents it's another simulation 
                         gone mad so murder and mayhem, standard 
                         procedure!
 
               
               [They start wrecking the castle.]

               
                                     JACK THE RIPPER
                         Rampage!!

               
                                     EVIL LINCOLN
                         Real hologram simulated Evil Lincoln 
                         is back!!
 
               
               [He smashes his axe into the castle's wall and the environment 
               fizzles out, leaving Kif, Amy and the holograms in the bare Holo-Shed. 
               Kif and Amy run out.]
 
               
               [Nimbus Bridge. Klaxons wail and red lights flash on and off. 
               Enter Amy and Kif.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again, 
                         the characters turned real!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Damn. The last time that happened I 
                         got slapped with three paternity suits. 
                          Listen up history's greatest villains......Get 
                         back into the Holo-Shed before I start 
                         blasting!
 
               
                                     ATILLA THE HUN
                         Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space 
                         canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Spare me your space-age technobabble 
                         Atilla The Hun!
 
               
               [He shoots at the holograms. They dodge the lasers and one shot 
               hits the wall. The bridge starts decompressing. The holograms 
               are blown out into space through the hole. Leela grabs hold of 
               Zapp's chair, Fry grabs her legs and Bender grabs Fry's legs. 
               His chest cabinet opens and an Egyptian artefact falls out. He 
               groans. Zapp flies by and grabs Bender's legs. His toupeÚ wobbles 
               in the wind. On the other side of the bridge Amy starts losing 
               her grip on Kif's hand.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Kif! Hold on!

               
                                     KIF
                         I totally want to!

               
               [His hand slips out of his glove. Amy grabs his face but loses 
               her grip and the wind carries him towards the hole. He grabs 
               hold of Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Grab on!

               
               [He loses his grip on her and grabs Fry's trouser leg.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Over here!

               
               [He reaches for Bender but he doesn't help.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Hold me!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Have a good one!  Aw, man!

               
               [Zapp breathes a sigh of relief and straightens his toupeÚ.]
 
               
               
                                     ZAPP
                         After all that I could use some relaxation. 
                         I'll be in the Holo-Shed.
 
               
               [Nimbus Sick Bay & Horta Burn Clinic. A doctor finishes examining 
               Zapp.]
 
               
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, except for a few broken bones, 
                         some internal hemoraging and a partially 
                         barfed up heart, everyone appears fine. 
                          Oh and Kif is pregnant.
 
               
               [Everyone gasps. Kif hugs Amy.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh joy!

               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Amy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY (UNSURE)
                         Yes it's...great. A great miracle.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         And not one of those bogus everyday 
                         miracles like a sunrise. Aren't you 
                         a male?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah what's the deal? Just when I thought 
                         I'd figured out you biological creatures, 
                         its something else! Lemme at 'im!  Come...over...lemme...!
 
                         
               
               [Kif shakes.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear 
                         on how anyone gets pregnant. So Kif, 
                         pray explain. And don't spare the dirty 
                         words where appropriate.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Well it's quite simple really. When 
                         one of my species experiences deep feelings 
                         of love we enter a so called "receptive 
                         state."
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You disgust me! Go on.

               
                                     KIF
                         At that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable 
                         membrane which allows the passage of 
                         genetic material. I held Amy's hand 
                         and voila.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh OK. but that better be all there 
                         is!
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh Amy! You'll be a mother!

               
               [He hugs her.]

               
               [Kif's Quarters. Everyone except Zapp is there. Even Evil Lincoln.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         What a wonderous affirmation of our 
                         love! And all from the touch of your 
                         hand.
 
               
               [He laughs and rolls around.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Dude hold up! Remember when Zapp blew 
                         a hole in the ship?
 
               
                                     EVIL LINCOLN
                         Indeed.

               
                                     FRY
                         Kif touched everybody there. Couldn't 
                         any one of us be the mother?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey yeah!  I mean...what about that 
                         Kif?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Well I suppose I might have gotten pregnant 
                         that way. Or even from a toilet seat. 
                         Though that's impossible since I have 
                         a private washroom.
 
               
               [Kif's toilet flushes and Zapp emerges from the washroom.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Ah, my home away from home. By the way 
                         Kif, your flush seemed to be set on 
                         stun, not kill.
 
               
               [Kif trembles.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Look Kif, I probably am the mother. 
                         Although maybe I'm not. Of course I 
                         hope I am but just in case I'm not, 
                         maybe we should have a test.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         A test. I demand a test!

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. A huge piece of equipment is in the 
               middle of the room. Everyone stands around it.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Even I laughed at me when I built this 
                         alien cross species genetic analyser 
                         but I guess I showed myself! Subjects, 
                         please enter the chamber.  Now to take 
                         a DNA sample.  When I pull this switch 
                         the maternifuge will spin at 10,000 
                         RPM, seperating out everyone who isn't 
                         the mother....father...whatever.
 
               
               [He pulls the switch and the maternifuge starts spinning. Everyone 
               in it screams. Farnsworth drops the floor from underneath them.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Faster! Faster!

               
               [Fry flies out of the maternifuge and hits a mattress.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good. Fry's ejection indicates that 
                         he is not the man-mom.  Nor is Captain 
                         Brannigan.
 
               
               [Kif wipes his forehead.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh thank you merciful God!

               
               [Zoidberg flies out.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Zoidberg?! What the hell were you doing 
                         in there?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's where I live. I have no home.
 
                         
               
               [Everyone watches as Leela and Amy spin around in the maternifuge. 
               Someone screams as they fly through the tube. It is Amy. Kif 
               looks in horror.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy? But that means...

               
               [He looks in the slowing maternifuge. Leela is the only one left. 
               She slides out.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Leela must have impregnated me when 
                         she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains 
                         the poster in hygiene class: No Glove, 
                         No Love.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, this is all so confusing.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela! How could you? Our love has had 
                         to endure your constant hatred and now 
                         this? (crying) Stop testing our love!
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Please captain. I thank Leela for the 
                         DNA she gave me but in my species, the 
                         true parent is the one that inspired 
                         the initial feeling of love. We call 
                         that person the smizmar. And my smizmar 
                         is Amy.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         So the toilet seat is like the uncle 
                         or something?
 
               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are out for drinks.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         That's OK, at least Kif's baby shower 
                         should be fun. I'd better put it on 
                         my calendar.  (to calendar) Thursday: 
                         Baby shower. Enter.  Might as well plan 
                         for my new life while I'm at it. (to 
                         calendar) Set Motherhood Mode.
 
               
               [The calendar erases all of Amy's entries and replaces it with 
               Motherhood. Amy sighs. Leela raises her glass.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         To motherhood.

               
               [The clink their glasses and guzzle back their drinks.]

               
               [Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Everyone 
               has gathered for Kif's baby shower. Leo and Inez Wong are there 
               too.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Mom, Dad, I know this is weird but -
 
                         
               
                                     MRS WONG
                         Yeah yeah, we don't care how squishy 
                         alien get pregnant. All we care is we 
                         have grandchild now.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         You're very open-minded Mrs Wong.

               
                                     MR WONG
                         Hey! You call her grandma now!

               
                                     MRS WONG
                         Call me grandma like crazy! All the 
                         time!
 
               
               [Fry taps his glass.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Check it out y'all. Everyone we invited 
                         is here.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Also Zoidberg!

               
                                     FRY
                         So lets open the gifts!

               
               [Everyone cheers.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Lets start with this one. From Bender.
 
                         
               
               [He opens the box and sees the gift. It is a pair of mounted 
               robot shoes.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's my booties from when I was a kid.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Uh, they're already bronzed.

               
                                     BENDER
                         They are bronze.

               
               [Kif is about to open another gift.]

               
                                     KIF
                         And this one's from Leela, oh I just 
                         love the bow! I wonder what it is!
 
                         
               
               [He starts to open it. Zapp puts his arm around Leela.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Yes I wonder what we got you.

               
               [Leela elbows him in the stomach. Kif takes the present out of 
               the box.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         It's a basket! F-for picnics?

               
                                     LEELA
                         It means a lot to me. It's the basket 
                         my parents left me in at the Orphanarium.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         You could use it for picnics.

               
                                     MRS WONG
                         Here Amy. We get this one for you.
 
                         
               
               [Amy is excited.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Is it a party board?

               
               [She opens it.]

               
                                     MRS WONG
                         It's a board alright! An ironing board!
 
                         
               
                                     MR WONG
                         We had your old party board converted 
                         now that you not be partying anymore.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         You, you trashed my party board?

               
                                     MRS WONG
                         Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only 
                         surfing you do is under a big wave of 
                         responsibilty.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh this is the happiest moment of my 
                         life! You all brought such wonderful 
                         gifts! But the greatest gift...
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Mine!

               
                                     KIF
                         ...is the bond I share with my smizmar 
                         Amy. And soon, the quivvering mass of 
                         life within me will depend on us both. 
                          Even now I can sense it feeding, squirming, 
                         searching, questing and shortly, it 
                         will wren my loins into way and pull 
                         us down, down, down into the deep dark 
                         waters of commitment.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's so beautiful!

               
               [He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]

               
                                     AMY (CRYING)
                         Yes, yes it's......no! I can't do this!
 
                         
               
               [She runs out of the room crying. Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh my God!

               
               [Zoidberg cries like a baby.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Mr and Mrs Wong and Zapp have left.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh how could Amy leave me? When will 
                         women learn to take responsibilty for 
                         the children they've helped create? 
                          The quickening! My time is near. I 
                         must return to my homeworld to perform 
                         the ancient birthing rites.
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Lemme know how that turns out.

               
               [He munches a biscuit.]

               
               [Amphibios 9 Jungle. The Planet Express ship lands in a jungle 
               area and snaps through some vines. New ones quickly grow again, 
               covering the ship.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The crew, Kif and Zapp walk through the jungle. 
               Kif stops.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I must now embark on a perilous journey. 
                         To give birth in precisely the same 
                         swamp I was born.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         If it's so dangerous I'd better go with 
                         you. A gal has to protect her DNA.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         No Leela. Tradition demands that I make 
                         this journey with my smizmar, and since 
                         Amy isn't here I must go it alone. Farewell. 
                         For we may never meet again.
 
               
               [He walks towards the thick of the jungle but falls over.]

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender hack away at plants in front 
               of them while Leela carries Kif.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         My scrapes feel a little better now.
 
                         
               
               [Bender sees a large blue thing.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, what's this fat ugly thing? A frog? 
                         A toad? Or your momma!
 
               
               [He laughs. The thing grabs him with it's tongue and starts to 
               swallow him.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         It's a poisonous froad! No one move.
 
                         
               
               [He inflates his head. The froad screams and drops Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm back baby!

               
               [Kroker Swamp.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Behold. The sacred ancestral birthing 
                         grounds of my family.
 
               
               [Zapp sniffs.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Smells like a jockstrap.

               
               [An Amphibion rises from the middle of the swamp.]

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         I am the Grand Midwife.

               
                                     FRY
                         Hi!

               
                                     KIF
                         I am Kif of the clan Kroker. I come 
                         to bear my young.
 
               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         Then let the Tea Of New Life be brewed. 
                          As it is written "and both shall lift 
                         the jug together". Where is your smizmar?
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         She's not with me.

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         Oh the sorrow. Oh the shame. I'm sorry 
                         I'm probably just making you feel worse.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         As long as Amy is with me in my heart 
                         I will have the strength of two.  Apparently 
                         Amy hasn't been working out much lately.
 
                         
               
               [He drags it a little way.]

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         As the tea boils please join hands with 
                         your beloved smizmar.  Oh right sorry, 
                         but I memorised the ceremony by heart 
                         and it mentions her a lot.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I'll try to endure.

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         Good 'cause I'm not changing it. Now 
                         turn ye to and gaze deeply into each 
                         other's eyes.
 
               
               [Kif looks at Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What are you looking at?

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         May the love I sense between you at 
                         this moment remain with you both for 
                         all your days.  The Tea Of New Life 
                         is ready. Let those who's love created 
                         this life speak each other's names, 
                         then drink.
 
               
               [Kif looks into the cup and cries.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Amy.

               
                                     AMY (SHOUTING)
                         Kif!

               
               [Everyone looks up and gasps. Amy flies towards the swamp on 
               her party/ironing board.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy 
                         with lonliness?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Both.

               
               [Amy lands and falls off.]

               
                                     AMY
                         I still don't know if I'm ready for 
                         this but, I do know I love you. And 
                         I wanna be here beside you.
 
               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         Great! Now I lost my place! I'm starting 
                         over!
 
               
               [Kif's bump rumbles.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh no time! It has begun!  Oh my!

               
               [Everyone else cringes at what is happening. Bender pulls out 
               a camera and takes a photo.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Neat!

               
                                     AMY
                         You can do it Kif!

               
               [Kif pushes again.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh nearly!

               
               [He pushes some more and eventually some spawn comes from between 
               his legs and makes a huge splash. Leela, Fry and Zapp cover their 
               noses.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aww man!

               
               [Some one and two eyed tadpoles hop out from the spawn and head 
               for the swamp.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Amy my love, tell me, are they making 
                         it to the water?
 
               
               [Some snakes and flying things surround the tadpoles. Leela breaks 
               a huge leaf off a plant and throws it to Amy.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Amy!

               
               [Amy catches it and starts beating back the animals.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Shoo! Stay away from my babies!

               
               [A flying thing picks a tadpole up. Amy smacks it with the leaf 
               and the tadpole falls to the ground. The rest of the animals 
               turn around and the tadpoles hop into the water.]
 
               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         The birthing is complete!

               
               [Everyone cheers and gathers around Kif and Amy.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Oh thank you!

               
                                     MIDWIFE
                         I will now take my leave. I live here 
                         so I won't actually be going anywhere 
                         but you don't have to talk to me anymore.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Congratulations!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Nice work!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Way to go squishy!

               
               [The tadpoles swim away.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         There goes my DNA. What a disgusting 
                         and beautiful process.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's birth for you.

               
                                     KIF
                         Well we've given them a great start 
                         Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout 
                         legs and crawl back onto land as children.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         And I'll be ready then.

               
               [They hug and watch their children swim around in the swamp. 
               Two leap into the air and bump their heads.]
 
               
               THE END

               

Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch



Writers :   Bill Odenkirk
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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