"LOVE'S LABOURS LOST IN SPACE"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Restaurant. Leela is sat at a table with a date, a man called
This place was a great choice. The food
is amazing. And such generous portions.
You like the meal just wait until you
try these after dinner mints.
You know, Doug, most guys are put off
by my eye. It's nice to finally meet
someone who's open-minded. Ew!
[Opening Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control] where
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking
What was wrong with your date last night?
I don't know. Something I couldn’t quite
put my finger on. Possibly his vile
You're too picky.
Yeah. If you rule out every guy with
a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an
explosive violent temper, of course
you're gonna be lonely.
There's nothing wrong with having high
standards. Now can we please stop --
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk
in. The others are sitting around the table.]
The female Leela's problem is purely
medical. Soon she will drop her eggs
and they will hatch and all will be
[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]
You just have to give guys a chance.
Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's
a pig. But then later you realise he
actually has a really good body.
Thank you all for the inspiring advice,
but I'm perfectly happy with my life
the way it is.
That sounds like a cry for help.
Let's all take her out tonight. There's
lots of great places to meet people.
The Federal Sex Bureau.
A saucy puppet show.
The rotting carcass of a whale.
Hmm, I'll pick!
[The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering
platforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing
outfits with grooby rings.]
Oh, wow, it's totally retro.
Why's everyone wearing those rings?
Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore!
Rings are stupid!
I think they look cool.
Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!
Hey, did that guy just say rings are
Nope, he said they're stupid.
[The man shows a thumbs up.]
[Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender are sat at a table with drinks.]
So what do you think of that guy by
I don't know. Maybe?
Forget it, he's gay.
What?! How can you tell?
I just know these things. I've got what
they call gaydar.
There's no such thing.
No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep!
Are you sure?
Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference
from a gay weather balloon.
[Fry talks to a woman at the bar.]
You're from the 20th century? That's
incredible! I'm from the 21st century.
No way! We've got so much in common.
We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs
Uh, yeah! That rings a bell.
[Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.]
This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled
racer with 10 wins on the pro circuit.
(whispering) I think she means 10 wins
on the gay circuit.
I wish! Those cats can really fly.
[Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a
drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms
and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares
and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud is hovering
where Bolt was.]
This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
That's great - really - but he's just
not what I'm looking for.
I understand. One day you will evolve
beyond your physical body, and on that
day I hope you will pick up the phone.
[He flies away. Amy sighs.]
[Bender's gaydar beeps.]
Just as well; I think he comes from
a dimension that's big on musical theatre.
[Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438,
Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman.
Bender is already outside.]
Psst, I need the apartment tonight.
Go see a saucy puppet show.
[He hands Bender some cash.]
[The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A
janitor passes by her table, sweeping.]
My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady
like you -- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry,
I thought you had two eyes.
[He runs off.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone
is sat around the table drinking coffee.]
So, Leela, you must have had your pick
of the litter last night at closing
Could you guys please stop talking about
my personal life?
Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal
life later. But right now we have business
to attend to.
No. A tax-deductible mission of charity.
[He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a holographic image of
a planet is projected over the table.]
This is Vergon 6.
This is Vergon 6.
It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited
by a number of frisky little doomed
That's right. Animals in desperate need
of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once
filled with a super dense substance
known as dark matter, each pound of
which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
[The holographic Vergon 6 is filled with a black sphere.]
Wait! What about the animals?
Well, dark matter is extremely valuable
as starship fuel. That's why it was
all mined out, leaving the planet completely
[The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.]
Yes, but what about the animals?
I didn't say anything about animals.
Now it seems that the planet will collapse
within three days. Incidentally, this
will kill all the animals.
So we have to bring back two of each
kind. Just like Noah's Ark.
Why two? Oh!
[Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and
Fry lean across the cockpit discussing things.]
I bet you Leela's holding out for a
nice guy with one eye.
That'll take forever. What she oughta
do is find a nice guy with two eyes,
then poke one out.
Yeah, that'd be a timesaver.
[Leela is sat right behind them.]
Do you mind?
Here you go. You can use this as an
Thank you. But I don't care how many
eyes a man has - as long as it's less
than five. All I'm looking for is a
guy who's adventurous, self-confident...
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.]
...maybe a snappy dresser.
[As the ship flies away a larger ship - the Nimbus - flies over
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain - Zapp Brannigan - stands
admiring himself while his first officer Kif seems to do all
the work. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little
green alien and Zapp's physique is mostly made up of a huge,
poorly contained gut.]
These new uniforms are pretty snappy,
eh, first officer?
I suppose, captain. I'm as big a fan
of velour as you are. Now what do you
want to do about that unidentified ship?
[The Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen.]
Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice
feel to it.
Captain's journal; star date 3000.3.
Who are you talking to, sir?
You! Aren't you getting this? We have
detected a vessel attempting to break
the security cordon around Vergon 6.
I'm anticipating an all-out tactical
dogfight, followed by a light dinner...ravioli,
ham, sundae bar.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew can see the Nimbus through the
Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?
Who's the Zapp Brannigan?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]
Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess,
you can never let your adversary see
your pieces. What?
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly
saved the Octillian system from a horde
of rampaging Killbots.
A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we
can always build more Killbots!
He's the most decorated captain in the
whole Democratic Order Of Planets.
(teasing) Leela's got a boyfriend!
No I don't. But I think we ought to
meet with him and see if he'll help
us rescue those animals.
Well just in case you guys hit it off
you'll wanna take this with you.
[He holds up the fork.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Sir, they're headed straight for us.
A well-calculated move straight out
of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of
War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's
Big Book Of War. But the one thing
their captain doesn't realise and never
will is that --
Sir, they've docked with us and have
Then I have risked all and lost. Kif,
old man, I'll be in the escape pod.
If that wicker chair I like survives
the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O.
[The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams
and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]
Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet
Express delivery ship. We've come aboard
to plead for your assistance.
Well, if there's anything --
[Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]
I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan.
Has my fame preceded me or was I too
quick for you?
Oh, not at all. I'm just so uh...really
thrilled to meet you!
You're an impressive piece of captain.
Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination.
(flattered) You don't mean that!
But I do. I doubt I've seen more than
three or four captains sexier than you,
and only one who was deadlier.
[He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]
I heard that one time you single-handedly
defeated a horde of rampaging somethings
in the something something system.
The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply
a matter of outsmarting them.
Wow! I never would have thought of that!
You see, Killbots have a preset kill
limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent
wave after wave of my own men at them,
until they reached their limit and shutdown.
Kif, show them the medal I won.
[Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.]
[Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table,
looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif is grating
cheese over Zapp's food.]
More, please. A little more...more...keep
[He carries on.]
Captain Brannigan, we really need to
talk to you about our mission.
Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave
after wave of men at your disposal.
[He raises his glass to the crew.]
(shouting) You suck!
We're hoping to save the animals of
Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you
could just --
[Zapp spits out his drink.]
Vergon 6?! This light dinner is over.
Wait! What's wrong?
The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits
interfering with undeveloped worlds.
It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's
But people already interfered. That
planet was mined completely hollow.
Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets
This doesn't make any sense.
I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's
Law. I merely enforce it.
Fine! We'll save the animals without
I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!
[Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]
What just happened?
He's throwing us in prison.
Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?
[He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.]
[Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway
and gets electrocuted.]
Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan
if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison.
You really are too picky.
Kif, follow me up to the observation
deck. I've got some musing to do.
[Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Observation Deck.]
I'm facing a formidable female adversary,
I fail to see any problem sir. You already
imprisoned her under directive B10.81.
You mean Brannigan's Law?
Right, that law.
Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend
but you've earned my contempt once again.
As my prodégé you should know that the
only way to deal with a female adversary
is to seduce her. This time we are
sure she's a woman, right?
Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh,
and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
The boy, sir?
You. You lay out my formal shorts.
[He disappears down the ladder.]
[Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following
The jackass wants to see you in his
Good. This will be my chance to reason
with him, captain to captain.
And he wants you to wear this.
[Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks
on Zapp's door.]
Come and get it!
[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in.
The room is filled with candles and other crap. Zapp lies on
his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself
that is similar to the portrait of JFK.]
Welcome to my humble chamber. Or as
I call it, "the Love-nasium". Shampagin?
I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Well I have studied abroad. Or two!
[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the
floor while Zapp isn't looking.]
...if we could speak seriously for a
...I'd like you to reconsider letting
us rescue those animals.
Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it
[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif
gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]
[Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]
We can definitely escape, Bender. All
you have to do is bend the hatch off
this steam pipe.
[He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts
filling the room.]
No good! It's full of steam!
[Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]
You look like a woman who enjoys the
finer things. Come over here and feel
my velour bedspread.
I'm not really in the mood.
Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself
[He rolls over onto his back.]
Can I please just go back to prison?
You'd rather sit in prison than spend
one evening with the Zapper?
Much rather! What are you doing?
(crying) Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry.
Just go. You want the rest of the shampagin?
No, and it's pronounced "sham-pane".
(crying) Oh, God, no!
Its not a big deal.
(crying) I get so lonely. I just thought
you - a fellow captain - would understand.
Oh, forget it.
(crying) Yeah, it's great ordering people
around and stuff but through it all
you're completely alone.
It comes with the job.
(crying) I'm just so lonely!
[He cries more.]
Oh, come on, cheer up, it's not that
[Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]
You wanna try escaping again?
Nah, I'm comfy.
[They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created.
Man, Leela's been gone a long time.
I hope she's at least making progress
with Zapp Brannigan.
[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before...
Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's
bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face.
[Time Lapse. Leela has got dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp
Good morning, lover.
Uh, listen, Zapp.
Now you're officially my woman. Kudos!
I can't say I don't envy you.
Zapp, last night was a mistake.
A sexy mistake.
No, just a regular mistake. For a split
second my common sense was overwhelmed
A split second is all it takes. That's
why sooner or later you'll come crawling
back to the Zapper.
The only kind of crawling I'm doing
to you is away - from!
Leela, you're obviously confused and
Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to
save those animals whether you like
it or not.
Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Threaten all you -- wait, what?
We both know you won't make it halfway
to Vergon 6 before the craving sets
in. Then you'll come crawling back for
another taste of sweet, sweet candy...Bam!
[He points at his crotch.]
[She storms out. Zapp chuckles.]
[Kif appears in the doorway.]
Yes -- Yes, captain?
I have made it with a woman. Inform
[Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]
The fatso says you're free to go.
(quietly) "Why" indeed.
[He looks at Leela then walks off.]
What does that mean?
So should we get our stuff and head
down to the planet?
(defensively) We just talked, OK?!
[The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky.
The planet is surreal and Dali-like.]
[Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship
with huge nets.]
Alright. We don't have much time to
collect these animals. The planet is
supposed to collapse in approximately
two hours ago.
[Montage The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to
find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him.
He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship.
Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela
tries to get the four legged mimic which looks like a horse but
copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries
to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and
it points back at her. Fry looks...and throws the net over Leela.
Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]
[Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out
from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril
in the middle of its face and a three eyes, one of them on a
long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.]
Hello there. Hmm, he doesn't seem to
be on the checklist.
So you're saying we can cook him?
Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious
No! I don't care how hilarious your
apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww,
I'll call him Nibbler.
Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up
I hope he'll be OK in there with all
those big animals.
[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and
closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them
and then eats one whole.]
[Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp is looking at Leela through a
Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I
won't have much time to hang out with
the boys anymore.
That's a shame, sir.
So let's make the most of our time together,
shall we? Never mind. Just give me
a back rub.
[Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]
I found a pair of Hermaphlamingoes.
Good. That's the last species.
[Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. The
bay is nearly empty apart from Nibbler.]
Hey. What the?
Where'd they all go?
[Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingoes, making lots of disgusting
noises. The crew watch and cringe.]
I can't believe we flew halfway across
the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just
to get lunch for that stupid animal!
He's pending for a bending.
[He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela
and she picks him up.]
Leave him alone. It's not his fault
that he's an unstoppable killing machine.
Is it, snoogums?
[The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]
The planet's kerploding!
[Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls
through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Prepare for lift-off. We're out of
fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the
tank before we left.
Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.
[The ground shakes again.]
Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
No way, forget it! I refuse to go crawling
back to him!
What? What are you talking about?
(defensively) Nothing. We just talked.
So what's your problem? It's not like
you slept with him. Oh, my God!
How could you, Leela? I thought you
had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's
a dumb, gross gorilla!
That's enough. Don't you think I feel
bad enough already?
[The ground shakes more violently.]
Alright, alright I'll call him. I mean
if living is that important to you.
And that's why you'll never make captain,
[Leela face appears.]
Well, well, well!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Zapp, we're out of fuel...
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
...and Vergon 6 is about to implode.
We need your help.
So, crawling back to the Big Z like
a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Bird's don't crawl.
They've been known to.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Look, are you going to rescue us or
Can't you ask a little more...sexfully?
[Fry and Bender encourage Leela.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Certainly. But first you'll have to
get rid of that thing. That's the law,
Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's
love: hard and fast!...
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
...Now put that greasy rat outside
and we'll tow you to safety.
I would never abandon a helpless animal.
Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were
a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised
that inside you were just a pitiful
child. But now I realise that outside
that child is a big pompous buffoon!
And which one rocked your world?
[Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles
off the screen.]
Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's
your secret escape plan?
Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for
[He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge
bang and the ship jerks backwards.]
What the hell was that?
[Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big round black blob in Nibbler's
[He fans the air in front of his nose.]
I don't believe it! It's dark matter.
So this guy just unloaded a steaming
pile of starship fuel?
His species must've filled the entire
planet with it. Did you do that, you
cute little -- Come on. That should
be more than enough fuel to get us outta
here. Bender, pick it up and put it
in the engine.
[Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the
floor towards the engine room.]
[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles
forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses.
They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]
We made it! And some of the animals
[She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing
on a tiny fragment of rock.]
So a couple of animals didn't die and
Leela got lucky. That's what I call
a successful mission!
[Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler is on her
lap and she is stroking him.]
(thinking) Dear Captain's Diary. I may
not have found love on this mission
but I did find a cute little companion
who excretes starship fuel. And that's
just as good.
[She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up
and throws it in the bin.]
Captain's journal; star date...uh...
April 13th...point two.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's
Law. However, I did make it with a hot
alien babe. And in the end is that not
what man has dreamt of since first he
looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking
you a question!
Love's Labours Lost In Space
Writers : Brian Kelley
Genres : Animation Comedy