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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 104 

                             "LOVE'S LABOURS LOST IN SPACE"

                                           By

                                      Brian Kelley

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

               
               
               [Restaurant. Leela is sat at a table with a date, a man called 
               Doug.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         This place was a great choice. The food 
                         is amazing. And such generous portions.
 
                         
               
                                     DOUG
                         You like the meal just wait until you 
                         try these after dinner mints.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You know, Doug, most guys are put off 
                         by my eye. It's nice to finally meet 
                         someone who's open-minded.  Ew!
 
               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control] where 
               available.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking 
               coffee.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What was wrong with your date last night?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know. Something I couldn’t quite 
                         put my finger on. Possibly his vile 
                         lizard tongue.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         You're too picky.

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah. If you rule out every guy with 
                         a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an 
                         explosive violent temper, of course 
                         you're gonna be lonely.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There's nothing wrong with having high 
                         standards. Now can we please stop --
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk 
               in. The others are sitting around the table.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The female Leela's problem is purely 
                         medical. Soon she will drop her eggs 
                         and they will hatch and all will be 
                         well.
 
               
               [Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]

               
                                     AMY
                         You just have to give guys a chance. 
                         Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's 
                         a pig. But then later you realise he 
                         actually has a really good body.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thank you all for the inspiring advice, 
                         but I'm perfectly happy with my life 
                         the way it is.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That sounds like a cry for help.

               
                                     AMY
                         Let's all take her out tonight. There's 
                         lots of great places to meet people.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         The Federal Sex Bureau.

               
                                     BENDER
                         A saucy puppet show.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The rotting carcass of a whale.

               
                                     AMY
                         Hmm, I'll pick!

               
               [The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering 
               platforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing 
               outfits with grooby rings.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, wow, it's totally retro.

               
                                     FRY
                         Why's everyone wearing those rings?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! 
                         Rings are stupid!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I think they look cool.

               
                                     AMY
                         Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!
 
                         
               
                                     MAN
                         Hey, did that guy just say rings are 
                         cool?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Nope, he said they're stupid.

               
               [The man shows a thumbs up.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Cool!

               
               [Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender are sat at a table with drinks.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         So what do you think of that guy by 
                         the bar?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know. Maybe?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Forget it, he's gay.

               
                                     LEELA
                         What?! How can you tell?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I just know these things. I've got what 
                         they call gaydar.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There's no such thing.

               
                                     BENDER
                         No?  OK, I got a lock on him.  Yep! 
                         He's gay!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Are you sure?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference 
                         from a gay weather balloon.
 
               
               [Fry talks to a woman at the bar.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         You're from the 20th century? That's 
                         incredible! I'm from the 21st century.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No way! We've got so much in common.
 
                         
               
                                     WOMAN
                         We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs 
                         enslaved humanity?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, yeah! That rings a bell.

               
               [Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled 
                         racer with 10 wins on the pro circuit.
 
                         
               
                                     BOLT
                         Hello, beautiful!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (whispering) I think she means 10 wins 
                         on the gay circuit.
 
               
               [Bolt chuckles.]

               
                                     BOLT
                         I wish! Those cats can really fly.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a 
               drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms 
               and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares 
               and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud is hovering 
               where Bolt was.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's great - really - but he's just 
                         not what I'm looking for.
 
               
                                     M-5438
                         I understand. One day you will evolve 
                         beyond your physical body, and on that 
                         day I hope you will pick up the phone.
 
                         
               
               [He flies away. Amy sighs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         You're impossible.

               
               [Bender's gaydar beeps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Just as well; I think he comes from 
                         a dimension that's big on musical theatre.
 
                         
               
               [Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438, 
               Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman. 
               Bender is already outside.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Psst, I need the apartment tonight. 
                         Go see a saucy puppet show.
 
               
               [He hands Bender some cash.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Can do!

               
               [The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A 
               janitor passes by her table, sweeping.]
 
               
                                     JANITOR
                         My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady 
                         like you --  Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, 
                         I thought you had two eyes.
 
               
               [He runs off.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone 
               is sat around the table drinking coffee.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So, Leela, you must have had your pick 
                         of the litter last night at closing 
                         time.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Could you guys please stop talking about 
                         my personal life?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal 
                         life later. But right now we have business 
                         to attend to.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         A delivery?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No. A tax-deductible mission of charity.
 
                         
               
               [He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a holographic image of 
               a planet is projected over the table.]
 
               
                                     COMPUTER VOICE
                         This is Vergon 6.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This is Vergon 6.

               
                                     AMY
                         Buh!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited 
                         by a number of frisky little doomed 
                         animals.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Animals?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's right. Animals in desperate need 
                         of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once 
                         filled with a super dense substance 
                         known as dark matter, each pound of 
                         which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
 
                         
               
               [The holographic Vergon 6 is filled with a black sphere.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! What about the animals?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, dark matter is extremely valuable 
                         as starship fuel. That's why it was 
                         all mined out, leaving the planet completely 
                         hollow.
 
               
               [The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yes, but what about the animals?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The wha?

               
                                     LEELA
                         The animals.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I didn't say anything about animals. 
                         Now it seems that the planet will collapse 
                         within three days. Incidentally, this 
                         will kill all the animals.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So we have to bring back two of each 
                         kind. Just like Noah's Ark.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Why two?  Oh!

               
               [He giggles.]

               
               [Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and 
               Fry lean across the cockpit discussing things.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I bet you Leela's holding out for a 
                         nice guy with one eye.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         That'll take forever. What she oughta 
                         do is find a nice guy with two eyes, 
                         then poke one out.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, that'd be a timesaver.

               
               [Leela is sat right behind them.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Do you mind?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Here you go.  You can use this as an 
                         eye-poker.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thank you. But I don't care how many 
                         eyes a man has - as long as it's less 
                         than five. All I'm looking for is a 
                         guy who's adventurous, self-confident...
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          ...maybe a snappy dresser.

               
               [As the ship flies away a larger ship - the Nimbus - flies over 
               the top.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain - Zapp Brannigan - stands 
               admiring himself while his first officer Kif seems to do all 
               the work. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little 
               green alien and Zapp's physique is mostly made up of a huge, 
               poorly contained gut.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         These new uniforms are pretty snappy, 
                         eh, first officer?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I suppose, captain. I'm as big a fan 
                         of velour as you are. Now what do you 
                         want to do about that unidentified ship?
 
                         
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Destroy them!  Mmm! That's got a nice 
                         feel to it.
 
               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Captain's journal; star date 3000.3.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         Who are you talking to, sir?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         You! Aren't you getting this?  We have 
                         detected a vessel attempting to break 
                         the security cordon around Vergon 6. 
                         I'm anticipating an all-out tactical 
                         dogfight, followed by a light dinner...ravioli, 
                         ham, sundae bar.
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew can see the Nimbus through the 
               windscreen.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! The Zapp Brannigan?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh-huh!

               
                                     FRY
                         Who's the Zapp Brannigan?

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Shall I fire on them now, sir?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, 
                         you can never let your adversary see 
                         your pieces.  What?
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly 
                         saved the Octillian system from a horde 
                         of rampaging Killbots.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow!

               
                                     BENDER
                         A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we 
                         can always build more Killbots!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         He's the most decorated captain in the 
                         whole Democratic Order Of Planets.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (teasing) Leela's got a boyfriend!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No I don't. But I think we ought to 
                         meet with him and see if he'll help 
                         us rescue those animals.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well just in case you guys hit it off 
                         you'll wanna take this with you.
 
               
               [He holds up the fork.]

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Sir, they're headed straight for us.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         A well-calculated move straight out 
                         of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of 
                         War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's 
                         Big Book Of War.  But the one thing 
                         their captain doesn't realise and never 
                         will is that --
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Sir, they've docked with us and have 
                         come aboard.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, 
                         old man, I'll be in the escape pod. 
                          If that wicker chair I like survives 
                         the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. 
                         box.
 
               
               [The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams 
               and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet 
                         Express delivery ship. We've come aboard 
                         to plead for your assistance.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Well, if there's anything --

               
               [Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. 
                         Has my fame preceded me or was I too 
                         quick for you?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, not at all. I'm just so uh...really 
                         thrilled to meet you!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You're an impressive piece of captain. 
                         Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (flattered) You don't mean that!

               
                                     ZAPP
                         But I do. I doubt I've seen more than 
                         three or four captains sexier than you, 
                         and only one who was deadlier.
 
               
               [He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I heard that one time you single-handedly 
                         defeated a horde of rampaging somethings 
                         in the something something system.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply 
                         a matter of outsmarting them.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! I never would have thought of that!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You see, Killbots have a preset kill 
                         limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent 
                         wave after wave of my own men at them, 
                         until they reached their limit and shutdown. 
                         Kif, show them the medal I won.
 
               
               [Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.]

               
               [Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table, 
               looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif is grating 
               cheese over Zapp's food.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         More, please.  A little more...more...keep 
                         going.
 
               
               [He carries on.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Captain Brannigan, we really need to 
                         talk to you about our mission.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave 
                         after wave of men at your disposal. 
                         Right men?
 
               
               [He raises his glass to the crew.]

               
                                     CREWMAN
                         (shouting) You suck!

               
                                     LEELA
                         We're hoping to save the animals of 
                         Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you 
                         could just --
 
               
               [Zapp spits out his drink.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Vergon 6?! This light dinner is over.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait! What's wrong?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits 
                         interfering with undeveloped worlds. 
                         It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's 
                         Law".
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But people already interfered. That 
                         planet was mined completely hollow.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets 
                         mining crew.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         This doesn't make any sense.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's 
                         Law. I merely enforce it.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fine! We'll save the animals without 
                         your help.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!
 
                         
               
               [Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What just happened?

               
                                     BENDER
                         He's throwing us in prison.

               
               [Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?

               
               [He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.]

               
               [Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway 
               and gets electrocuted.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan 
                         if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw 
                         me in prison.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You really are too picky.

               
               [Nimbus Corridor.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif, follow me up to the observation 
                         deck. I've got some musing to do.
 
                         
               
               [Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]
 
               
               
                                     KIF
                         Oh, jeez!

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Observation Deck.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I'm facing a formidable female adversary, 
                         Kif. Suggestions?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         I fail to see any problem sir. You already 
                         imprisoned her under directive B10.81.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You mean Brannigan's Law?

               
                                     KIF
                         Right, that law.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Which one?

               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Brannigan's Law.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend 
                         but you've earned my contempt once again. 
                         As my prodégé you should know that the 
                         only way to deal with a female adversary 
                         is to seduce her.  This time we are 
                         sure she's a woman, right?
 
               
                                     KIF
                         Yes.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, 
                         and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
 
                         
               
                                     KIF
                         The boy, sir?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         You. You lay out my formal shorts.
 
                         
               
               [He disappears down the ladder.]

               
               [Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following 
               him.]
 
               
                                     KIF
                         The jackass wants to see you in his 
                         quarters.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Good. This will be my chance to reason 
                         with him, captain to captain.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         And he wants you to wear this.

               
               [Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks 
               on Zapp's door.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                          Come and get it!

               
               [Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. 
               The room is filled with candles and other crap. Zapp lies on 
               his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself 
               that is similar to the portrait of JFK.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Welcome to my humble chamber. Or as 
                         I call it, "the Love-nasium". Shampagin?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well I have studied abroad. Or two!
 
                         
               
               [He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the 
               floor while Zapp isn't looking.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Captain...

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh-huh?

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...if we could speak seriously for a 
                         moment...
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh-huh?

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...I'd like you to reconsider letting 
                         us rescue those animals.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Mm-hm.  I like your style. I find it 
                         very...(whispering)...erotic.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (shouting) Erotic!

               
               [Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif 
               gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]
 
               
               
               [Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]

               
                                     FRY
                         We can definitely escape, Bender. All 
                         you have to do is bend the hatch off 
                         this steam pipe.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, yeah!

               
               [He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts 
               filling the room.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No good! It's full of steam!

               
               [Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         You look like a woman who enjoys the 
                         finer things. Come over here and feel 
                         my velour bedspread.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm not really in the mood.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself 
                         go.
 
               
               [He rolls over onto his back.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Can I please just go back to prison?
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         You'd rather sit in prison than spend 
                         one evening with the Zapper?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Much rather!  What are you doing?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (crying) Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. 
                         Just go. You want the rest of the shampagin?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, and it's pronounced "sham-pane".
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (crying) Oh, God, no!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Its not a big deal.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (crying) I get so lonely. I just thought 
                         you - a fellow captain - would understand.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, forget it.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (crying) Yeah, it's great ordering people 
                         around and stuff but through it all 
                         you're completely alone.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It comes with the job.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         (crying) I'm just so lonely!

               
               [He cries more.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, come on, cheer up, it's not that 
                         bad.
 
               
               [Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You wanna try escaping again?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, I'm comfy.

               
               [They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created.
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, Leela's been gone a long time. 
                         I hope she's at least making progress 
                         with Zapp Brannigan.
 
               
               [Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before... 
               Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's 
               bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face. 
               She screams.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela has got dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp 
               wakes up.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Good morning, lover.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, listen, Zapp.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! 
                         I can't say I don't envy you.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Zapp, last night was a mistake.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         A sexy mistake.

               
                                     LEELA
                         No, just a regular mistake. For a split 
                         second my common sense was overwhelmed 
                         by pity.
 
               
               [Zapp laughs.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         A split second is all it takes. That's 
                         why sooner or later you'll come crawling 
                         back to the Zapper.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The only kind of crawling I'm doing 
                         to you is away - from!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Leela, you're obviously confused and 
                         aroused.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to 
                         save those animals whether you like 
                         it or not.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Go ahead. I won't stop you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Threaten all you -- wait, what?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         We both know you won't make it halfway 
                         to Vergon 6 before the craving sets 
                         in. Then you'll come crawling back for 
                         another taste of sweet, sweet candy...Bam!
 
                         
               
               [He points at his crotch.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Eurgh!

               
               [She storms out. Zapp chuckles.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Kif!

               
               [Kif appears in the doorway.]

               
                                     KIF
                         Yes --  Yes, captain?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         I have made it with a woman. Inform 
                         the men.
 
               
               [Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]

               
                                     KIF
                         The fatso says you're free to go.

               
                                     FRY
                         Really? Why?

               
                                     KIF
                         (quietly) "Why" indeed.

               
               [He looks at Leela then walks off.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What does that mean?

               
                                     LEELA
                         (defensively) Nothing.

               
                                     BENDER
                         So should we get our stuff and head 
                         down to the planet?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (defensively) We just talked, OK?!
 
                         
               
               [The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky. 
               The planet is surreal and Dali-like.]
 
               
               [Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship 
               with huge nets.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright. We don't have much time to 
                         collect these animals. The planet is 
                         supposed to collapse in approximately 
                         two hours ago.
 
               
               [Montage The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to 
               find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. 
               He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. 
               Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela 
               tries to get the four legged mimic which looks like a horse but 
               copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries 
               to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and 
               it points back at her. Fry looks...and throws the net over Leela. 
               Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out 
               from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril 
               in the middle of its face and a three eyes, one of them on a 
               long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hello there.  Hmm, he doesn't seem to 
                         be on the checklist.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So you're saying we can cook him?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious 
                         apron.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No! I don't care how hilarious your 
                         apron is, we're not cooking him.  Aww, 
                         I'll call him Nibbler.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up 
                         the grill!
 
               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I hope he'll be OK in there with all 
                         those big animals.
 
               
               [Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and 
               closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them 
               and then eats one whole.]
 
               
               [Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp is looking at Leela through a 
               telescope.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I 
                         won't have much time to hang out with 
                         the boys anymore.
 
               
                                     KIF
                         That's a shame, sir.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         So let's make the most of our time together, 
                         shall we?  Never mind. Just give me 
                         a back rub.
 
               
               [Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I found a pair of Hermaphlamingoes.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Good. That's the last species.

               
               [Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. The 
               bay is nearly empty apart from Nibbler.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey. What the?

               
                                     FRY
                         Where'd they all go?

               
               [Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingoes, making lots of disgusting 
               noises. The crew watch and cringe.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Nibbler!

               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe we flew halfway across 
                         the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just 
                         to get lunch for that stupid animal!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         He's pending for a bending.

               
               [He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela 
               and she picks him up.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Leave him alone. It's not his fault 
                         that he's an unstoppable killing machine. 
                         Is it, snoogums?
 
               
               [The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]

               
                                     FRY
                         The planet's kerploding!

               
               [Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls 
               through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him 
               back up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Prepare for lift-off.  We're out of 
                         fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the 
                         tank before we left.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.
 
                         
               
               [The ground shakes again.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No way, forget it! I refuse to go crawling 
                         back to him!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What? What are you talking about?

               
                                     LEELA
                         (defensively) Nothing. We just talked.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         So what's your problem? It's not like 
                         you slept with him.  Oh, my God!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         How could you, Leela? I thought you 
                         had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's 
                         a dumb, gross gorilla!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's enough. Don't you think I feel 
                         bad enough already?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No!

               
               [The ground shakes more violently.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, alright I'll call him.  I mean 
                         if living is that important to you.
 
                         
               
               [Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         And that's why you'll never make captain, 
                         Kif.  Hmmm.
 
               
               [Leela face appears.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          Hello, Zapp?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Well, well, well!

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Zapp, we're out of fuel...

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. 
                         We need your help.
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         So, crawling back to the Big Z like 
                         a bird on its belly. Delicious.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          Bird's don't crawl.

               
                                     ZAPP
                         They've been known to.

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, are you going to rescue us or 
                         not?
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                          Can't you ask a little more...sexfully?
 
                         
               
               [Fry and Bender encourage Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (sexfully) Please...

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     LEELA
                          ...Big Z?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Certainly. But first you'll have to 
                         get rid of that thing.  That's the law, 
                         Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's 
                         love: hard and fast!...
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                          ...Now put that greasy rat outside 
                         and we'll tow you to safety.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I would never abandon a helpless animal. 
                         Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were 
                         a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised 
                         that inside you were just a pitiful 
                         child. But now I realise that outside 
                         that child is a big pompous buffoon!
 
                         
               
                                     ZAPP
                          And which one rocked your world?

               
               [Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles 
               off the screen.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's 
                         your secret escape plan?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for 
                         death.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Can do!

               
               [He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge 
               bang and the ship jerks backwards.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What the hell was that?

               
               [Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big round black blob in Nibbler's 
               litter tray.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Pew!

               
               [He fans the air in front of his nose.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't believe it! It's dark matter.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         So this guy just unloaded a steaming 
                         pile of starship fuel?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         His species must've filled the entire 
                         planet with it. Did you do that, you 
                         cute little --  Come on. That should 
                         be more than enough fuel to get us outta 
                         here. Bender, pick it up and put it 
                         in the engine.
 
               
               [Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the 
               floor towards the engine room.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into 
               the boiler.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles 
               forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses. 
               They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         We made it!  And some of the animals 
                         survived.
 
               
               [She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing 
               on a tiny fragment of rock.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So a couple of animals didn't die and 
                         Leela got lucky. That's what I call 
                         a successful mission!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We're heroes!

               
               [Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler is on her 
               lap and she is stroking him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (thinking) Dear Captain's Diary. I may 
                         not have found love on this mission 
                         but I did find a cute little companion 
                         who excretes starship fuel. And that's 
                         just as good.
 
               
               [She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up 
               and throws it in the bin.]
 
               
               [Outside Nimbus.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                          Captain's journal; star date...uh...
 
                         
               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
                                     KIF
                          April 13th.

               
                                     ZAPP
                          April 13th...point two.

               
               [Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         We have failed to uphold Brannigan's 
                         Law. However, I did make it with a hot 
                         alien babe. And in the end is that not 
                         what man has dreamt of since first he 
                         looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking 
                         you a question!
 
               
               [Kif sighs.]

               
               THE END

Love's Labours Lost In Space



Writers :   Brian Kelley
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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