J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela are sat
around the table. Bender has a bottle of Löbrau. Fry has a can
of Slurm and isn't wearing his jacket. Enter Farnsworth with
a large crate on a hover trolley.]
Good news, everyone. We've got a very
special delivery today.
Who's it going to?
[Bender dusts off his hands.]
Another job well done.
No, I need it shipped to my office at
Mars University. It's a little experiment
that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
In what field?
I don't care, they all pay the same.
[Fry stands next to the box.]
Is it dangerous?
Oh, my, no. Off we go!
[Opening Credits. There is a remixed version of the normal theme.
Caption: Transmitido en Martian en SAP.]
[The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars.]
[Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading "Mars
University. Knowledge Brings Fear" and lands in an empty space
on the campus grounds.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour
of the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big skulled
Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a huge laser gun
Very impressive. Back in the 20th century
we had no idea there was a university
Well, in those days Mars was just a
dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh,
much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it
was eventually made livable, when the
university was founded in 2636.
They planted traditional college foliage:
ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet
Does that mean it's safe to breathe
[Fry takes some huge breaths.]
[Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with "Socrates
| Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top.]
Over here is Wong Library. It has the
largest collection of literature in
the Western universe.
[Fry peers through the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty,
save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs
labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Fry whistles
[Cut to: Outside Wong Library.]
Hey look. There's a chapter of my old
robot fraternity; Epsilon Rho Rho.
[He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon "ERR" sign atop
it. There is a smashed up car, some kegs, a cable spool being
used as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned
chairs and some kegs around it.]
You went to college?
Of course, I'm a bender. I went to Bending
College. I majored in Bending.
What was your minor?
[Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and
a dorky fratbot answers it.]
Are you here to fumigate the moose head?
Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from
[They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the
creation of cosmic clouds.]
Eh, close enough. C'mon in.
Thanks. Here's your finger back.
[The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]
[Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]
All the coolest robots are in this fraternity.
[In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard.
The room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and
books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard
hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There
is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman
on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he
has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat.
The glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]
Mate in 143 moves.
Oh, poo, you win again!
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift,
chapter president. This is Oily, and
this here is Fatbot.
You're all losers. My name's Bender.
[The fratbots gasp.]
Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow,
you're a legend around here!
I heard that in one single night you
drank a whole keg, streaked across campus
and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
(modest) Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were
children. Anyway I should get going.
[Leela comes down the stairs.]
No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat
on campus. Even Hillel has better parties
than us. Please, you've gotta stay and
teach us how to be cool.
Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer,
a continuous tape of Louie Louie and
a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.
[Fatbot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
[Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the
I tell you, being here really takes
me back to my college days.
[Flashback. There is a snake boy stall and a water balloon stall
where winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by
a booth called Coney Island Community College. A buck-toothed
guy leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]
Step right up, who wants to learn physics?
[Fry shrugs and walks in.]
Keep your hands inside the car at all
Good old Coney Island College! Go Whitefish!
Don't take this the wrong way, Fry,
but you don't seem like the educated
Oh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified
Please! Everyone knows 20th century
colleges were basically expensive daycare
That's true. By current academic standards,
you're merely a high school dropout.
What?! That's not fair. I deserve the
same respect any other college dropout
gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here
at Mars University and drop out all
You won't last two weeks.
Aww, thanks for believing in me.
[Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up
in front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens
queue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course
catalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]
Yo, classmate. What you takin'?
Oh, I don't know. Hey, Professor, what
are you teaching this semester?
Same thing I teach every semester: The
mathematics of quantum neutrino fields.
I made up the title so that no student
would dare take it.
Mathematics of wanton burrito meals.
I'll be there!
Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach;
I'm a professor!
See you in class!
[Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]
[Mars University Campus. That night Bender runs around the Martian
statue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the others
and they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up
against the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts
them up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]
This is gonna be great!
[Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky
underwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower
and another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing
on a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare
at the Mac.]
[Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]
Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer!
Get a load of that!
[He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it
and the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue
blazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first,
Meiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]
I say, you've damaged our servants'
quarters ... and our servants.
This time Robot House has gone too far.
[They run off screaming.]
(screaming) They're gonna catch us!
[Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]
Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks,
two chairs, a couple of beds. A woodpecker.
I think that's probably your roommate.
Oh, right, cool. (shouting) C'mon in,
roomie! (talking) What the--?
I call top bunk! Ahh!
[Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes
out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]
My roommate's a monkey?
(sarcastic) Brilliant deduction, you're
a credit to your species.
[Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]
Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!
You know each other?
Guenter is my experiment. He was the
top secret contents of this stinking
[He lowers the crate and pats it.]
I'd rather live in a crate than share
a room with this dork.
So what makes Guenter talk?
Is he genetically engineered?
Oh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction
mumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence
actually lies in his electronium hat
which harnesses the power of sunspots
to produce cognitive radiation.
[Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]
You're wasting your breath, Professor.
He'll never understand a word of it.
I understood the word "hat"!
[He reaches for the hat and Guenter leaps back.]
Please, stop bickering. I arranged that
you be roommates for a reason: So I'd
only have to remember one phone number.
Now shake hands and make up.
[They reluctantly do. Fry holds up a banana.]
You want a banana?
I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured
energy bars made from tofu.
[Fry narrows his eyes.]
I don't like you.
[Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher
scrawls "20th Century History" on the blackboard with a piece
of chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text.
Guenter is sat to his left and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]
This is gonna be a cakewalk!
Welcome to the history of the 20th century.
Look to your left, then to your right.
Then in nine other directions. One of
the 12 of you will not pass this class.
Boring. Let's hear about Walter Mondale
Be forewarned: The only sure way to
get an A in this class is to have lived
in the 20th century.
[He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front
of him marked "Fry" and Fry gets electrocuted.]
You were saying, Mr. Fry?
I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead,
ask me anything.
Very well. What device invented in the
20th century allowed people to view
broadcast programmes in their own homes?
Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call
it? Lite Brite!
[The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points
his pencil in the air.]
I believe the answer is the television.
Very good Mr ... ... Guenter.
(impressed) Wow! Smart and cute!
[She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]
[Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his
office at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship
with old-fashioned sails. He is a middle-aged man and wears a
brown suit and black thick-rimmed glasses.]
What I love about being dean of students
is the peace and quiet and the respect
I receive. Now what's all this about?
[He puts it on speaker-phone.]
Dean Vernon, the students from Robot
House are here.
[Vernon takes off his glasses.]
[Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]
Hey, dean, nice looking model.
[Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]
You keep away from it. You robots are
a disgrace to this university. Whenever
a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House.
Whenever the campus liquor store is
looted, Robot House. Whenever a human
corpse is desecrated--
Now, I can explain that.
That's enough out of you. From this
day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret
[The robots gasp.]
My mom is gonna kill me!
[Vernon puts his glasses back on.]
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get
back to the one thing that's kept me
sane these past eight years: My model
[He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when
he sees Fatbot eating it.]
When I get nervous I get hungry.
[Vernon grits his teeth.]
[Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots
burst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]
(shouting; from inside) Robot House!
[Cafe. Fry sits with a brown-haired girl wearing an orange MU
top and reading an English 101 book. Fry has a tray in front
of him with a burger, two bananas and some crackers on it.]
So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it
off. If you're not doing anything later
might I escort you to a kegger?
Not even if you were the last man on
[She slams the book shut, gets up and leaves. Fry watches.]
[Cut to: Outside Cafe. Fry watches Chrissy through the window
as she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Guenter.
She giggles, chews her pencil bashfully and leaves. Fry watches
her, dumbstruck. Guenter raps on the window and gets Fry's attention.]
(shouting) Hey! You like bananas?
[Cut to: Cafe. Guenter slaps the piece of paper onto the window.]
(shouting; from outside) I got her number.
How do you like them bananas?
[He walks off and Fry growls.]
[Mars University: Mathematics Of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture
Hall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algerbra on the
blackboard under the heading "Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's
And therefore, by process of elimination,
the electron must taste like grapeade.
[He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door
opens and Fry walks in.]
Sorry, I overslept.
It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept
me up all night with his constant thinking.
Just thinking and thinking. He's trying
to make me look like an idiot.
Don't be jealous. Without his special
hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent
I hate that rodent!
Fry, that monkey is my most important
experiment. If you two don't stop fighting
I'll have you both neutered.
That'll show him.
[Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in
the corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his
model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined
with old books, chanderliers and large armchairs. Guests include
the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a
long white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.]
Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my
parents, Leo and Inez.
Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we
could admit Amy in exchange for your
How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
How much you got?
[Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels
them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]
Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study
session ... with Chrissy!
[Fry carries on chewing and narrows his eyes at Guenter.]
Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because
in honour of parents weekend I have
a special surprise for you.
[He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]
(horrified) Mom? Dad? What are you doing
here? This is so humiliating.
[Fry throws some bananas into the cage.]
Now these monkeys I like! What's that?
You wanna come out?
[He unlocks the cage.]
[The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps
into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto
a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away.]
[Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck.]
What's that they're flinging at us?
Oh, dear Lord, all over the dean!
[He covers his face.]
Hey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get
up on the chandelier with your parents
and I'll take a picture?
[Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans
and runs out.]
Well, looks like the party's winding
down. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana
and get Fatbot some action.
[Oily and Gearshift high-five.]
It's my first time, I'm really nervous.
[He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]
(shouting) Robot House!
[Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela stand outside Fry
and Guenter's room.]
What you did to Guenter was cruel. At
the risk of sounding like an after-school
special, I think we learned who the
real animal was today.
You mean peer pressure?
[Cut to: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Fry opens
the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto
the wall. He is holding something and points it at Fry and Leela.
Fry gasps and hides behind Leela.]
Look out! He's got a gun!
[Leela turns the light on. Guenter is sat in the corner of the
room surrounded by banana skins. The thing he is holding is another
(crying) Leave me alone.
Hey, what's going on? I thought you
didn't like bananas.
(crying) Of course I do. I try so hard
to fit in but seeing my parents act
like that made me realise I'm just a
Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns
out like their parents. I mean, look
at me. My folks were honest hardworking
Besides, Guenter, you're not like other
monkeys. You've got the hat.
(crying) So what? I mean, sure, it looks
cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't
make me happy.
[He sobs some more.]
That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys
(crying) They can't. It's all the hat.
[And some more. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]
Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable
here, maybe you should just go back
to the jungle.
The jungle. But I couldn't do that to
the Professor. I'm his prize experiment,
and he's like a father to me.
But he's not your father. That guy in
the punch bowl was your father.
[Fry spits out a mouthful of punch.]
[Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. "Test Today"
flashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work.
Farnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]
Look at him, I'm so proud.
[He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]
[Guenter looks up from his paper and sighs. He has drawn bananas
all over his paper. Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's
paper and scribbles a crude banana on his paper. He chuckles.
Guenter stares out of the window at the jungle. He shakes his
head and tries to concentrate. Farnsworth watches him and smiles.
Guenter looks back and forth through the window and at Farnsworth,
starts hyperventilating and finally cracks. He snaps his pencil
and screams. He throws off his hat, makes monkey noises and jumps
through a window.]
[Guenter runs off the campus and into the jungle and Farnsworth
hangs his head.]
Oh, I always feared he might run off
like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break
[Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Farnsworth stares
at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride. He strokes
(crying) Oh, poor Guenter.
So he just ran away in the middle of
I'm afraid so. All he handed in was
a paper smeared with faeces. He tied
I guess he realised I was right when
I told him to go back to the jungle.
You what? After I spent months slaving
over a hot monkey brain?
Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force
Guenter to be a human but he's an animal.
He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus
on one of those tiny tricycles. Now
But Guenter's obviously better off being
intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now
here's my opinion: What we should do
[She leans in and whispers something to them.]
I said we'll go to the jungle and let
Guenter decide once and for all.
[Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds
have turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their delapidated
raft into the river alongside other frats.]
You all know the rules. Whichever house
wins the regatta becomes head of the
Greek Council. And should that house
currently be on any type of multiple
secret probation, it will be lifted
and I will be forced to serve as Grand
Marshal of a parade honouring them.
[The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]
I say, Robot House, your water craft
is as ill-designed as you yourselves.
Good one, Chet!
[They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]
Oh, yeah? Watch this!
[He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches
a huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys
Well, I never!
Fraternities, on your marks.
[He fires the starting gun at the fratbots' boat and it starts
to deflate. The SS Von Snoot sails off.]
[Mars Jungle. Leela cuts through some thicket and Farnsworth
and Fry follow.]
Wow" The jungles on Mars look just like
the jungles on Earth.
Jungles? On Earth?
[He laughs. Leela points up a tree.]
I see some movement up there. I think
[He pulls a pin from a grenade and throws it into the bushes.
It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three tucans,
two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of
it flat on their backs.]
Don't worry. They'll be fine once the
tranquiliser wears off.
[They walk on and don't notice a huge elephant fall from the
tree and flatten the other creatures.]
[Time Lapse. The trio peer through some leaves.]
There's our man!
[They watch Guenter sitting on a rock looking at his reflection
in a river.]
Professor, you'll offer Guenter the
hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana.
We'll let him choose whether he wants
to be intelligent or just a mindless
[Fry chombles on the banana. Leela gives him a stern look and
hands him a new one. Guenter scratches himself and sees them.]
Come on, Guenter, take the hat.
No, the banana, the banana!
Consider the philosophical and metaphysical
ramifications of the--
Banana, banana, banana!
Wait, what's that sound?
[They hear a motorboat get closer and closer. It's the fratbots.
Bender waterskis behind the repaired raft.]
(shouting) Hey, Bender, you sure this
is a short-cut?
(shouting) Not as sure as I was an hour
[The raft zooms past Leela, Fry and Farnsworth and Bender's waterskis
create a wave that washes over the them and drags them into the
river. The current catches them and they scream. Downriver the
fratbots come to a huge waterfall. They scream and go over the
edge. They hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater.
The SS Von Snoot sails past towards the finish line.]
And the winner is ... ... Robot House?!
[The Snooty boys suddenly fall out of their boat. Leela, Fry
and Farnsworth are still heading for the waterfall. They grab
onto a log.]
Oh, dear Lord!
[The log wedges itself behind a rock in the middle of the river
and they stop floating towards the waterfall. They breathe a
sigh of relief.]
Thank God this log is sturdy. (shouting)
Put on the hat, Guenter! You're the
only one who can save us! (muttering)
[Guenter puts the hat on his knee.]
[He puts it on his butt and Fry chuckles. Finally he puts it
on his head.]
Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's
all so obvious now!
[The log starts to move.]
(shouting) Help us, Guenter!
Oh, my goodness. (shouting) Hang on.
I need to do some calculations. Got
it! Grab on!
[They do and Guenter tumbles over the edge, pulling them upwards.
The vine ties itself around them and a branch.],
'Preciate it Guenter!
[Guenter holds onto the vine as he dangles halfway down the waterfall.
The vine starts to break and he whimpers.]
Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the
vine. You can still save yourself.
Why bother? I've got nothing to live
for. I was miserable as a genius, and
as a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to
wear a hat on my butt. (sadly) There's
just no place for me in this world.
(normal) Although, on the other hand--
[The vine snaps and he screams as he plummets towards the bottom.
Farnsworth, Fry and Leela watch him. He hits the water below.]
Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well lets
go gather him up. There's no sense letting
him go to waste.
[He licks his lips.]
[Time Lapse. They reach the foot of the waterfall and find Guenter
still alive. His hat is bashed though.]
Guenter! You're alive!
I guess the hat must have broke my fall.
[Farnsworth opens up the hat.]
It seems to be working at only half-capacity,
but I can fix it.
No, wait! I like it like this. I actually
feel sort of happy.
But what about your super-intelligence?
When I had that there was too much pressure
to use it. All I want out of life is
to be a monkey of moderate intelligence
who wears a suit. That's why I've decided
to transfer to business school!
[Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly
heads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fatbot stands at
the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and
Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth
pats him on the head.]
(shouting) Come on, everyone! Big party
in Robot House!
[The students cheer and start dancing to Lloyd Williams' Shout.
As they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main
characters. "Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His
Dead-End Delivery Job" appears under Fry; "Guenter Got His MBA
And Became President Of The Fox Network" appears under Guenter;
"Fatbot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted"
under Fatbot, "Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He
Never Called Again" under Leela and Vernon and finally "His Job
Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran
Off" under Bender.]