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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 202 

                                    "MARS UNIVERSITY"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela are sat 
               around the table. Bender has a bottle of Löbrau. Fry has a can 
               of Slurm and isn't wearing his jacket. Enter Farnsworth with 
               a large crate on a hover trolley.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone.  We've got a very 
                         special delivery today.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who's it going to?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Me.

               
               [Bender dusts off his hands.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Another job well done.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, I need it shipped to my office at 
                         Mars University.  It's a little experiment 
                         that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         In what field?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I don't care, they all pay the same.
 
                         
               
               [Fry stands next to the box.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Is it dangerous?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, my, no.  Off we go!

               
               [Opening Credits. There is a remixed version of the normal theme. 
               Caption: Transmitido en Martian en SAP.]
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars.]

               
               [Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading "Mars 
               University. Knowledge Brings Fear" and lands in an empty space 
               on the campus grounds.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour 
               of the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big skulled 
               Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a huge laser gun 
               on horseback.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Very impressive. Back in the 20th century 
                         we had no idea there was a university 
                         on Mars.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, in those days Mars was just a 
                         dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh, 
                         much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it 
                         was eventually made livable, when the 
                         university was founded in 2636.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         They planted traditional college foliage: 
                         ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet 
                         was terraformed.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Does that mean it's safe to breathe 
                         the air?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Of course.

               
               [Fry takes some huge breaths.]

               
               [Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with "Socrates 
               | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Over here is Wong Library. It has the 
                         largest collection of literature in 
                         the Western universe.
 
               
               [Fry peers through the glass.]

               
               [Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty, 
               save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs 
               labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Fry whistles 
               impressedly.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Wong Library.]

               
                                     BENDER
                          Hey look. There's a chapter of my old 
                         robot fraternity; Epsilon Rho Rho.
 
                         
               
               [He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon "ERR" sign atop 
               it. There is a smashed up car, some kegs, a cable spool being 
               used as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned 
               chairs and some kegs around it.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You went to college?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Of course, I'm a bender. I went to Bending 
                         College. I majored in Bending.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What was your minor?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Robo-American Studies.

               
               [Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and 
               a dorky fratbot answers it.]
 
               
                                     FRATBOT #1
                         Are you here to fumigate the moose head?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from 
                         way back.
 
               
               [They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the 
               creation of cosmic clouds.]
 
               
                                     FRATBOT #1
                         Eh, close enough. C'mon in.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Thanks. Here's your finger back.

               
               [The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         All the coolest robots are in this fraternity.
 
                         
               
               [In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. 
               The room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and 
               books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard 
               hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There 
               is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman 
               on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he 
               has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. 
               The glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]
 
               
               
                                     FRATBOT #2
                         Mate in 143 moves.

               
                                     FRATBOT #3
                         Oh, poo, you win again!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh-oh, nerds!

               
                                     FRATBOT #1
                         Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift, 
                         chapter president. This is Oily, and 
                         this here is Fatbot.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You're all losers. My name's Bender.
 
                         
               
               [The fratbots gasp.]

               
                                     OILY
                         Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow, 
                         you're a legend around here!
 
               
                                     FATBOT
                         I heard that in one single night you 
                         drank a whole keg, streaked across campus 
                         and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (modest) Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were 
                         children. Anyway I should get going.
 
                         
               
               [Leela comes down the stairs.]

               
                                     GEARSHIFT
                         No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat 
                         on campus. Even Hillel has better parties 
                         than us. Please, you've gotta stay and 
                         teach us how to be cool.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, 
                         a continuous tape of Louie Louie and 
                         a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.
 
                         
               
               [Fatbot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]

               
                                     FATBOT
                         Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

               
               [Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the 
               tour.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I tell you, being here really takes 
                         me back to my college days.
 
               
               [Flashback. There is a snake boy stall and a water balloon stall 
               where winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by 
               a booth called Coney Island Community College. A buck-toothed 
               guy leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Step right up, who wants to learn physics?
 
                         
               
               [Fry shrugs and walks in.]

               
                                     MAN #2
                          Keep your hands inside the car at all 
                         times.
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Good old Coney Island College! Go Whitefish!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, 
                         but you don't seem like the educated 
                         type.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, yeah?  Read it and weep. I'm a certified 
                         college dropout.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Please! Everyone knows 20th century 
                         colleges were basically expensive daycare 
                         centres.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's true. By current academic standards, 
                         you're merely a high school dropout.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         What?! That's not fair. I deserve the 
                         same respect any other college dropout 
                         gets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here 
                         at Mars University and drop out all 
                         over again!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You won't last two weeks.

               
                                     FRY
                         Aww, thanks for believing in me.

               
               [Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up 
               in front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens 
               queue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course 
               catalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yo, classmate. What you takin'?

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, I don't know.  Hey, Professor, what 
                         are you teaching this semester?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Same thing I teach every semester: The 
                         mathematics of quantum neutrino fields. 
                         I made up the title so that no student 
                         would dare take it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Mathematics of wanton burrito meals. 
                          I'll be there!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach; 
                         I'm a professor!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         See you in class!

               
               [Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh!

               
               [Mars University Campus. That night Bender runs around the Martian 
               statue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the others 
               and they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up 
               against the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts 
               them up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]
 
               
               
                                     FATBOT
                         This is gonna be great!

               
               [Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky 
               underwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower 
               and another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing 
               on a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare 
               at the Mac.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          Bingo!

               
                                     FATBOT
                          Oh, mama!

               
               [Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                          Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer! 
                          Get a load of that!
 
               
               [He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it 
               and the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue 
               blazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first, 
               Meiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]
 
               
               
                                     MEIDERNEYER
                         I say, you've damaged our servants' 
                         quarters ... and our servants.
 
               
                                     CHET
                         This time Robot House has gone too far.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Cheese it!

               
               [They run off screaming.]

               
                                     FATBOT
                         (screaming) They're gonna catch us!
 
                         
               
               [Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, 
                         two chairs, a couple of beds.  A woodpecker.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I think that's probably your roommate.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, right, cool. (shouting) C'mon in, 
                         roomie!  (talking) What the--?
 
               
                                     MONKEY
                         I call top bunk!  Ahh!

               
               [Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes 
               out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         My roommate's a monkey?

               
                                     MONKEY
                         (sarcastic) Brilliant deduction, you're 
                         a credit to your species.
 
               
               [Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You know each other?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Guenter is my experiment. He was the 
                         top secret contents of this stinking 
                         crate.
 
               
               [He lowers the crate and pats it.]

               
                                     GUENTER
                         I'd rather live in a crate than share 
                         a room with this dork.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So what makes Guenter talk?

               
                                     FRY
                         Is he genetically engineered?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction 
                         mumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence 
                         actually lies in his electronium hat 
                         which harnesses the power of sunspots 
                         to produce cognitive radiation.
 
               
               [Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]

               
                                     GUENTER
                         You're wasting your breath, Professor. 
                         He'll never understand a word of it.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I understood the word "hat"!

               
               [He reaches for the hat and Guenter leaps back.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Please, stop bickering. I arranged that 
                         you be roommates for a reason: So I'd 
                         only have to remember one phone number. 
                         Now shake hands and make up.
 
               
               [They reluctantly do. Fry holds up a banana.]

               
                                     FRY
                         You want a banana?

               
                                     GUENTER
                         I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured 
                         energy bars made from tofu.
 
               
               [Fry narrows his eyes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I don't like you.

               
               [Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher 
               scrawls "20th Century History" on the blackboard with a piece 
               of chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text. 
               Guenter is sat to his left and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         This is gonna be a cakewalk!

               
                                     TEACHER
                         Welcome to the history of the 20th century. 
                         Look to your left, then to your right. 
                         Then in nine other directions. One of 
                         the 12 of you will not pass this class.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Boring.  Let's hear about Walter Mondale 
                         already!
 
               
                                     TEACHER
                         Be forewarned: The only sure way to 
                         get an A in this class is to have lived 
                         in the 20th century.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Swish!

               
               [He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front 
               of him marked "Fry" and Fry gets electrocuted.]
 
               
                                     TEACHER
                         You were saying, Mr. Fry?

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead, 
                         ask me anything.
 
               
                                     TEACHER
                         Very well. What device invented in the 
                         20th century allowed people to view 
                         broadcast programmes in their own homes?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call 
                         it? Lite Brite!
 
               
               [The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points 
               his pencil in the air.]
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         I believe the answer is the television.
 
                         
               
                                     TEACHER
                         Very good Mr ...  ... Guenter.

               
                                     AMY
                         (impressed) Wow! Smart and cute!

               
               [She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]
 
               
               
               [Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his 
               office at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship 
               with old-fashioned sails. He is a middle-aged man and wears a 
               brown suit and black thick-rimmed glasses.]
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         What I love about being dean of students 
                         is the peace and quiet and the respect 
                         I receive.  Now what's all this about?
 
                         
               
               [He puts it on speaker-phone.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                          Dean Vernon, the students from Robot 
                         House are here.
 
               
               [Vernon takes off his glasses.]

               
                                     VERNON
                         Robot House!

               
               [Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, dean, nice looking model.

               
               [Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]

               
                                     VERNON
                         You keep away from it. You robots are 
                         a disgrace to this university. Whenever 
                         a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. 
                         Whenever the campus liquor store is 
                         looted, Robot House. Whenever a human 
                         corpse is desecrated--
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now, I can explain that.

               
                                     VERNON
                         That's enough out of you. From this 
                         day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret 
                         probation!
 
               
               [The robots gasp.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         No fair!

               
                                     FATBOT
                         My mom is gonna kill me!

               
               [Vernon puts his glasses back on.]

               
                                     VERNON
                         Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get 
                         back to the one thing that's kept me 
                         sane these past eight years: My model 
                         ship.
 
               
               [He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when 
               he sees Fatbot eating it.]
 
               
                                     GEARSHIFT
                         Fatbot! No!

               
                                     FATBOT
                         When I get nervous I get hungry.

               
               [Vernon grits his teeth.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Cheese it!

               
               [Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots 
               burst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         (shouting; from inside) Robot House!
 
                         
               
               [Cafe. Fry sits with a brown-haired girl wearing an orange MU 
               top and reading an English 101 book. Fry has a tray in front 
               of him with a burger, two bananas and some crackers on it.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         So, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it 
                         off. If you're not doing anything later 
                         might I escort you to a kegger?
 
               
                                     CHRISSY
                         Not even if you were the last man on 
                         Mars.
 
               
               [She slams the book shut, gets up and leaves. Fry watches.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Outside Cafe. Fry watches Chrissy through the window 
               as she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Guenter. 
               She giggles, chews her pencil bashfully and leaves. Fry watches 
               her, dumbstruck. Guenter raps on the window and gets Fry's attention.]
 
               
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (shouting) Hey! You like bananas?

               
               [Cut to: Cafe. Guenter slaps the piece of paper onto the window.]
 
               
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (shouting; from outside) I got her number. 
                         How do you like them bananas?
 
               
               [He walks off and Fry growls.]

               
               [Mars University: Mathematics Of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture 
               Hall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algerbra on the 
               blackboard under the heading "Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's 
               Dog'".]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And therefore, by process of elimination, 
                         the electron must taste like grapeade.
 
                         
               
               [He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door 
               opens and Fry walks in.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry, I overslept.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Until 5pm?

               
                                     FRY
                         It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept 
                         me up all night with his constant thinking. 
                         Just thinking and thinking. He's trying 
                         to make me look like an idiot.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't be jealous. Without his special 
                         hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent 
                         than you.
 
               
               [Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I hate that rodent!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Fry, that monkey is my most important 
                         experiment. If you two don't stop fighting 
                         I'll have you both neutered.
 
               
               [Fry chuckles.]

               
                                     FRY
                         That'll show him.

               
               [Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in 
               the corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his 
               model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined 
               with old books, chanderliers and large armchairs. Guests include 
               the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a 
               long white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my 
                         parents, Leo and Inez.
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we 
                         could admit Amy in exchange for your 
                         generous contribution.
 
               
                                     MR. WONG
                         How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?

               
                                     VERNON
                         How much you got?

               
               [Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels 
               them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study 
                         session ... with Chrissy!
 
               
               [Fry carries on chewing and narrows his eyes at Guenter.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because 
                         in honour of parents weekend I have 
                         a special surprise for you.
 
               
               [He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]
 
               
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (horrified) Mom? Dad? What are you doing 
                         here?  This is so humiliating.
 
               
               [Fry throws some bananas into the cage.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Now these monkeys I like!  What's that? 
                         You wanna come out?
 
               
               [He unlocks the cage.]

               
                                     GUENTER
                         No! Stop!

               
               [The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps 
               into the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto 
               a snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away.]
 
               
               
                                     CHET
                         I say.

               
               [Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What's that they're flinging at us?
 
                         
               
                                     GUENTER
                         Oh, dear Lord, all over the dean!

               
               [He covers his face.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get 
                         up on the chandelier with your parents 
                         and I'll take a picture?
 
               
               [Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans 
               and runs out.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, looks like the party's winding 
                         down. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana 
                         and get Fatbot some action.
 
               
               [Oily and Gearshift high-five.]

               
                                     FATBOT
                         It's my first time, I'm really nervous.
 
                         
               
               [He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]
 
               
               
                                     VERNON
                         (shouting) Robot House!

               
               [Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela stand outside Fry 
               and Guenter's room.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What you did to Guenter was cruel. At 
                         the risk of sounding like an after-school 
                         special, I think we learned who the 
                         real animal was today.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You mean peer pressure?

               
               [Cut to: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Fry opens 
               the door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto 
               the wall. He is holding something and points it at Fry and Leela. 
               Fry gasps and hides behind Leela.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look out! He's got a gun!

               
               [Leela turns the light on. Guenter is sat in the corner of the 
               room surrounded by banana skins. The thing he is holding is another 
               banana.]
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (crying) Leave me alone.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, what's going on? I thought you 
                         didn't like bananas.
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (crying) Of course I do. I try so hard 
                         to fit in but seeing my parents act 
                         like that made me realise I'm just a 
                         primative beast.
 
               
               [He sobs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns 
                         out like their parents. I mean, look 
                         at me. My folks were honest hardworking 
                         people.
 
               
               [He snorts.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Besides, Guenter, you're not like other 
                         monkeys. You've got the hat.
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (crying) So what? I mean, sure, it looks 
                         cool and it makes me smart but it doesn't 
                         make me happy.
 
               
               [He sobs some more.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys 
                         could cry.
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         (crying) They can't. It's all the hat.
 
                         
               
               [And some more. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Look, Guenter, if you're so miserable 
                         here, maybe you should just go back 
                         to the jungle.
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         The jungle. But I couldn't do that to 
                         the Professor. I'm his prize experiment, 
                         and he's like a father to me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But he's not your father. That guy in 
                         the punch bowl was your father.
 
               
               [Fry spits out a mouthful of punch.]

               
               [Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. "Test Today" 
               flashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work. 
               Farnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Look at him, I'm so proud.

               
                                     FRY
                         Thanks, Professor!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Not you.

               
               [He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (screaming) Ow!

               
               [Guenter looks up from his paper and sighs. He has drawn bananas 
               all over his paper. Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's 
               paper and scribbles a crude banana on his paper. He chuckles. 
               Guenter stares out of the window at the jungle. He shakes his 
               head and tries to concentrate. Farnsworth watches him and smiles. 
               Guenter looks back and forth through the window and at Farnsworth, 
               starts hyperventilating and finally cracks. He snaps his pencil 
               and screams. He throws off his hat, makes monkey noises and jumps 
               through a window.]
 
               
                                     STUDENT
                         Hey!

               
               [Guenter runs off the campus and into the jungle and Farnsworth 
               hangs his head.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, I always feared he might run off 
                         like this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break 
                         his legs?
 
               
               [Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Farnsworth stares 
               at a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride. He strokes 
               the picture.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (crying) Oh, poor Guenter.

               
                                     LEELA
                         So he just ran away in the middle of 
                         the exam?
 
               
               [Farnsworth sniffs.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm afraid so. All he handed in was 
                         a paper smeared with faeces. He tied 
                         with Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I guess he realised I was right when 
                         I told him to go back to the jungle.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You what? After I spent months slaving 
                         over a hot monkey brain?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, don't blame me. You tried to force 
                         Guenter to be a human but he's an animal. 
                         He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus 
                         on one of those tiny tricycles. Now 
                         that's entertainment.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But Guenter's obviously better off being 
                         intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Nuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now 
                         here's my opinion: What we should do 
                         is...
 
               
               [She leans in and whispers something to them.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I said we'll go to the jungle and let 
                         Guenter decide once and for all.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What?

               
               [Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds 
               have turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their delapidated 
               raft into the river alongside other frats.]
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         You all know the rules. Whichever house 
                         wins the regatta becomes head of the 
                         Greek Council. And should that house 
                         currently be on any type of multiple 
                         secret probation, it will be lifted 
                         and I will be forced to serve as Grand 
                         Marshal of a parade honouring them.
 
                         
               
               [The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]

               
                                     CHET
                         I say, Robot House, your water craft 
                         is as ill-designed as you yourselves.
 
                         
               
                                     MEIDERNEYER
                         Good one, Chet!

               
               [They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah? Watch this!

               
               [He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches 
               a huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys 
               stare.]
 
               
                                     CHET
                         Well, I never!

               
                                     VERNON
                         Fraternities, on your marks.

               
               [He fires the starting gun at the fratbots' boat and it starts 
               to deflate. The SS Von Snoot sails off.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey!

               
               [Mars Jungle. Leela cuts through some thicket and Farnsworth 
               and Fry follow.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow" The jungles on Mars look just like 
                         the jungles on Earth.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Jungles? On Earth?

               
               [He laughs. Leela points up a tree.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I see some movement up there. I think 
                         it's him.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Stand back.

               
               [He pulls a pin from a grenade and throws it into the bushes. 
               It explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three tucans, 
               two parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of 
               it flat on their backs.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oops.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't worry. They'll be fine once the 
                         tranquiliser wears off.
 
               
               [They walk on and don't notice a huge elephant fall from the 
               tree and flatten the other creatures.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The trio peer through some leaves.]

               
                                     FRY
                         There's our man!

               
               [They watch Guenter sitting on a rock looking at his reflection 
               in a river.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Professor, you'll offer Guenter the 
                         hat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana. 
                          We'll let him choose whether he wants 
                         to be intelligent or just a mindless 
                         animal.
 
               
               [Fry chombles on the banana. Leela gives him a stern look and 
               hands him a new one. Guenter scratches himself and sees them.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Come on, Guenter, take the hat.

               
                                     FRY
                         No, the banana, the banana!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Consider the philosophical and metaphysical 
                         ramifications of the--
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Banana, banana, banana!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, what's that sound?

               
               [They hear a motorboat get closer and closer. It's the fratbots. 
               Bender waterskis behind the repaired raft.]
 
               
                                     GEARSHIFT
                         (shouting) Hey, Bender, you sure this 
                         is a short-cut?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Not as sure as I was an hour 
                         ago!
 
               
               [The raft zooms past Leela, Fry and Farnsworth and Bender's waterskis 
               create a wave that washes over the them and drags them into the 
               river. The current catches them and they scream. Downriver the 
               fratbots come to a huge waterfall. They scream and go over the 
               edge. They hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater. 
               The SS Von Snoot sails past towards the finish line.]
 
               
                                     VERNON
                         And the winner is ...  ... Robot House?!
 
                         
               
               [The Snooty boys suddenly fall out of their boat. Leela, Fry 
               and Farnsworth are still heading for the waterfall. They grab 
               onto a log.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, dear Lord!

               
                                     LEELA
                         No! No!

               
               [The log wedges itself behind a rock in the middle of the river 
               and they stop floating towards the waterfall. They breathe a 
               sigh of relief.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Thank God this log is sturdy.  (shouting) 
                         Put on the hat, Guenter! You're the 
                         only one who can save us!  (muttering) 
                         Stupid monkey.
 
               
               [Guenter puts the hat on his knee.]

               
                                     FRY
                         No.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Not there.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Keep trying.

               
               [He puts it on his butt and Fry chuckles. Finally he puts it 
               on his head.]
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         Eureka! The hat goes on the head. It's 
                         all so obvious now!
 
               
               [The log starts to move.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Help us, Guenter!

               
                                     GUENTER
                         Oh, my goodness. (shouting) Hang on. 
                         I need to do some calculations.  Got 
                         it!  Grab on!
 
               
               [They do and Guenter tumbles over the edge, pulling them upwards. 
               The vine ties itself around them and a branch.],
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We're saved!

               
                                     FRY
                         'Preciate it Guenter!

               
               [Guenter holds onto the vine as he dangles halfway down the waterfall. 
               The vine starts to break and he whimpers.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the 
                         vine. You can still save yourself.
 
                         
               
                                     GUENTER
                         Why bother? I've got nothing to live 
                         for. I was miserable as a genius, and 
                         as a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to 
                         wear a hat on my butt.  (sadly) There's 
                         just no place for me in this world. 
                         (normal) Although, on the other hand--
 
                         
               
               [The vine snaps and he screams as he plummets towards the bottom. 
               Farnsworth, Fry and Leela watch him. He hits the water below.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well lets 
                         go gather him up. There's no sense letting 
                         him go to waste.
 
               
               [He licks his lips.]

               
               [Time Lapse. They reach the foot of the waterfall and find Guenter 
               still alive. His hat is bashed though.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Guenter! You're alive!

               
                                     GUENTER
                         I guess the hat must have broke my fall.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth opens up the hat.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It seems to be working at only half-capacity, 
                         but I can fix it.
 
               
                                     GUENTER
                         No, wait! I like it like this. I actually 
                         feel sort of happy.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But what about your super-intelligence?
 
                         
               
                                     GUENTER
                         When I had that there was too much pressure 
                         to use it. All I want out of life is 
                         to be a monkey of moderate intelligence 
                         who wears a suit. That's why I've decided 
                         to transfer to business school!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (screaming) Nooo!

               
               [Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly 
               heads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fatbot stands at 
               the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and 
               Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth 
               pats him on the head.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Come on, everyone! Big party 
                         in Robot House!
 
               
               [The students cheer and start dancing to Lloyd Williams' Shout. 
               As they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main 
               characters. "Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His 
               Dead-End Delivery Job" appears under Fry; "Guenter Got His MBA 
               And Became President Of The Fox Network" appears under Guenter; 
               "Fatbot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted" 
               under Fatbot, "Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He 
               Never Called Again" under Leela and Vernon and finally "His Job 
               Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran 
               Off" under Bender.]
 
               
               THE END

Mars University



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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