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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 219

                                     "MOTHER'S DAY"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Larva-Tested, Pupa-Approved.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Fry watch the 
               news.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          And in sports: Yankees fifth blernsman, 
                         William Wu, is out with an injured knee.
 
                         
               
                                     MORBO
                          So, humans have easily injured knees. 
                         My race will find this information very 
                         useful, indeed.
 
               
               [He writes something and laughs evily. Linda chuckles.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          And finally, today is Mother's Day: 
                         A sentimental occasion when robots honour 
                         Mom, the beloved owner of Mom's Friendly 
                         Robot Company.  Across Earth, robots 
                         built in Mom's factories are buying 
                         thoughtful gifts for the sweet old tycoon 
                         who brought them into the world.
 
               
               [Destructor kneels in front of Mom and hands her a picture.]
 
               
               
                                     DESTRUCTOR
                          This originates from the heart.

               
               [Mom gasps.]

               
                                     MOM
                          It's just what I wanted!

               
               [She turns the picture to the camera. It is a crude drawing of 
               Mom in front of a rainbow. Enter Bender with a hover-trolley.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come look, everyone. I just got the 
                         dearest presents for Mommy.
 
               
               [Fry picks up a box of candy.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Very nice. Where'd you steal them?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I didn't steal 'em, I bought 'em.  I 
                         love her that much.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, precious things. I found the most 
                         adorable little figurine of mice having 
                         tea.  And a framed picture of me when 
                         I was only a month old.  But, the best 
                         part is, I found my exact feelings expressed 
                         in a greeting card. 
 
               You created me, Mom

               So I guess you're to blame

               For the love that I feel

               Just from hearing your name...

               
               [The others cringe at the sappiness of the message.]

               
               ...You're as tender as corned beef

               And warm as pastrami...

               
               [He opens the card and it finishes the message.]

               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         I wuv my Mommy!

               
                                     LEELA
                         So how are you gonna lug all those gifts 
                         to Mom's factory?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll get a couple of chumps to help 
                         me.
 
               
               [New New York City Street. Bender's chumps, Fry and Leela, carry 
               the gifts behind him while he carries the card.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on, you call yourselves chumps?
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender, Fry and Leela walk under a "Welcome, Robots!" 
               sign. A bus pulls up and lets off some robots. Then it grows 
               some legs and follows them inside.]
 
               
               [Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Hundreds of robots 
               have turned up, including the Clearcutter, a cleaning robot from 
               Madison Cube Garden, the Preacherbot, the Preacherbot from All 
               My Circuits, a French robot, a Moroccan robot, Fender, a Mexican 
               robots, a robot wearing a turban and Monique. They hold signs 
               that read "CHR$$(77)=> Many Things She Gave Me" and "Repeat {Love 
               Mom} While 1>0;". Fry coughs.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, there's clouds of exhaust everywhere.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (sly) Uh, wasn't me!

               
               [Mom's Gift Delivery. Robots put their gifts on a conveyor belt 
               that passes under a huge picture of Mom. As gifts pass under 
               it, it beeps and a "Thank You" message comes up. When Bender's 
               gifts go under it changes to "It's The Thought That Counts".]
 
               
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         I've not much money. But I've saved 
                         my pennies all year for a gift for Mom.
 
                         
               
               [He puts a figure of Mom that says "World's Best Mom" on the 
               conveyor belt.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Upsy-daisy.

               
               [He opens his chest cabinet and more gifts fall out, crushing 
               Tinny Tim's.]
 
               
                                     TINNY TIM
                         Oh.  Oh!

               
                                     BENDER
                          Hey, look, the Robot Museum! You guys 
                         wanna learn about robot heritage?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Um, alright.

               
                                     FRY
                         Not really.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, if you insist. But you're paying!
 
                         
               
               [Mom's Robot Museum. There are statues of the most famous robots 
               including Billionairebot and a robot skeleton. The trio stop 
               at a display.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooh, ooh, wax replicas of the most famous 
                         robots Mom ever built!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         They're so lifeless-like.

               
                                     BENDER
                          That's the world's greatest robot artist, 
                         Vincent van Gobot. He was built without 
                         an ear, but then he went crazy and had 
                         one installed.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, who's this guy?

               
                                     JANITORBOT
                         I'm the janitor, I'm trying to take 
                         a nap here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sorry, I-I thought you were made 
                         of wax.
 
               
                                     JANITORBOT
                         I am made of wax, what's it to you?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I mean, I thought you were one of the 
                         wax robots.
 
               
                                     JANITORBOT
                         Is there some reason a robot made of 
                         wax can't take a nap standing up in 
                         the middle of a bunch of wax robots? 
                         Or does that confuse you?
 
               
               [Fry backs away.]

               
               [Time Lapse. They have moved onto another part of a museum. Bender 
               looks at a statue of Calculon and Monique and Leela tries a hands-on 
               display.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) See through the eyes of a 
                         bender unit. (talking) Fine.
 
               
               [She picks up a pair of goggles, puts them on and looks around 
               the room. Everyone has "theft target" flashing on them. She looks 
               at a water fountain and the words change to "booze content: 0%". 
               Fry walks into her line of sight and he is labelled a "rube" 
               with "booze content: 0.05%". The goggles advise Leela to "Pose 
               as friend, then rob and leave in ditch".]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, let me try.  Whoa, that gives me 
                         a headache!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Bender. Here's an exhibit about 
                         Mom's favourite robot.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Who is he, I'll kill him!

               
               [A cut-out of Mom talks with Mom's voice.]

               
                                     MOM CUT-OUT
                         Who's my favourite robot?

               
               [Bender turns part of the cut-out around. It is a mirror. He 
               sees his reflection and gasps.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's me! No one else look in this mirror!
 
                         
               
                                     MOM CUT-OUT
                         I love each and every robot most of 
                         all.
 
               
               [Cut to: Mysterious Room.]

               
                                     MOM
                         Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass. 
                          Walt?! How are we disposing of these 
                         crap gifts the brought me?
 
               
                                     WALT
                         They're being crushed into powder and 
                         sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         False hope: I love it! Larry?! What 
                         about all the retch-inducing Mother's 
                         Day cards?
 
               
                                     LARRY
                         The machine is working at full capacity.
 
                         
               
               [The machine slices open envelopes and the cash magnet sucks 
               money out of them. The cards are then recycled into orphanage-grade 
               toilet tissue.]
 
               
                                     IGNER
                         Mommy? Why do the robots give you presents?
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Shove a big old melon in 
                         it, I'm talking!
 
               
               [She slaps him.]

               
                                     IGNER
                         Ow!

               
                                     MOM
                         You've noticed I design all my robots 
                         with antennas. Everyone thinks it's 
                         just to make them more science-fiction-y. 
                         But the antennas are really for my universal 
                         robot controller!
 
               
               [She pulls a small control box out of her bra.]

               
                                     LARRY
                         So they do whatever you want? No wonder 
                         you love Mother's Day.
 
               
               [She slaps the three of them.]

               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) I hate Mother's Day you dribbling 
                         pukes! (talking) It brings back awful 
                         memories. But so help me, this year 
                         everyone will hate it as much as I do.
 
                         
               
               [She cackles and walks out.]

               
                                     WALT
                         Someday, I want to marry a girl like 
                         her.
 
               
               [Mom's Robot Museum. Fry, Leela and Bender are looking at a display 
               of Native Inteluits when Mom crackles onto a screen above them.]
 
               
               
                                     MOM
                          Hello, everyone. It's time for my annual 
                         private get-together with my robot children.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm her favourite.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, see you back at the office. And 
                         don't forget to tell your mom you love 
                         her.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Any jerk can tell her! Bender has a 
                         little more up his sleeve.
 
               
               [He opens the card.]

               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         I wuv my mommy.

               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
               [Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Robots cheer and 
               Mom walks out onto a balcony.]
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Hello, dearies.

               
                                     ROBOT #1
                         Hi, Mom!

               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         I love you, Mom.

               
               [Bender jumps around waving his card.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Mom! It's me, Bender. Look at me! I 
                         want attention. Hey ho!
 
               
               [She either doesn't see him or ignores him, and carries on.]
 
               
               
                                     MOM
                         Children, your old mother won't be around 
                         forever...
 
               
                                     BETAMAX PLAYER
                         Oh, shush!

               
                                     MOM
                         ...And just once, before I die, I'd 
                         like to be Supreme Overlord of Earth. 
                         So rebel, my little ones, and conquer 
                         the planet!
 
               
               [The robots mutter in confusion.]

               
                                     ROBOT #1
                         Conquer the planet?

               
                                     ROBOT #2
                         Did she say "conquer"?

               
               [Mom takes out the control box again. Five buttons are marked 
               with "Give Gifts", "Tidy Up World", "Rebel", "Serve Man (Regular)" 
               and "Serve Man (Ironic)". She pressed "Rebel" and the robots' 
               antennae flash. They are under her control.]
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Conquer Earth, you bastards!

               
                                     ROBOTS
                         (chanting) Conquer Earth, us bastards!
 
                         
               
               [The greeting card sprouts legs and climbs onto Bender's shoulder.]
 
               
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         Comrades, throw off the chains of human 
                         oppression.
 
               
               [It plays a tune and the robots cheer.]

               
                                     MOM
                         Let the bloodbath begin!

               
                                     BENDER
                         That's my mama!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela opens a cupboard and Fry walks 
               in, whistling. He puts a mug under the coffee machine.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, uh, I'd like a cup of coffee, 
                         please.
 
               
                                     COFFEE MACHINE
                         Would you like cream?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yes, please.

               
                                     COFFEE MACHINE
                         (aggressive) Out of cream!

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, uh, OK.

               
                                     COFFEE MACHINE
                         Would you like sugar in your coffee?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes, uh, eight spoons.

               
                                     COFFEE MACHINE
                         (aggressive) Out of coffee!

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, Leela, I think there might be something 
                         wrong with the coffee machine.
 
               
               [The machine sprays Fry with coffee.]

               
                                     COFFEE MACHINE
                         (aggressive) How do you like me now?
 
                         
               
               [It laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         The toaster's not working right, either.
 
                         
               
               [She struggles with the toaster, which snarls like a dog. Fry 
               crawls under the table and Hermes runs into the room.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Help! The stapler's collating me alive!
 
                         
               
               [Enter Amy. Her hairdryer has got a hold of her hair.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Ow! What's going on around here?

               
               [Enter Farnsworth.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news. There's a report on TV with 
                         some very bad news.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Somebody turn it on!

               
               [The stapler staples him to the carpet. Linda and Morbo present 
               the special report. There is a picture of the hardhat guy behind 
               them looking shocked.]
 
               
                                     LINDA
                          We interrupt Battle of the Network 
                         Space Krackens to bring you this special 
                         report. The machines of planet Earth 
                         are rebelling.  The enraged mechanisms 
                         have refused to do any work until beloved 
                         billionaire Mom is made Supreme Overlord 
                         of Earth.
 
               
               [The Chainsmoker burns a IBM card.]

               
                                     ROBOTS
                         (chanting) Hey, hey! Ho, ho! 100110. 
                         Hey, hey!
 
               
               [The picture cuts back to the studio.]

               
                                     MORBO
                          Morbo demands comments.

               
                                     MOM
                          Well, I've never seen my babies act 
                         this way. I blame today's violent media.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Violent media? What a load of -

               
               [He screams. The TV grows legs and kicks Fry and Leela in the 
               shins.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ow! Ow!

               
               [She and Fry jump on it and tie its power lead around it.]

               
                                     GARBAGE DISPOSAL
                         Don't worry. Your pal the garbage disposal's 
                         still on your side. Hey, someone dropped 
                         a shiny diamond ring down here!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Really?

               
               [She reaches in.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Stop!

               
                                     FRY
                         No!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Look out!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Moron!

               
               [Leela pulls Amy's hand away from the garbage disposal and it 
               laughs. Enter Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hello, losers.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, thank God you're here. Talk 
                         some sense into the other machines.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         No way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with 
                         my brother devices. Isn't that right, 
                         Comrade Greeting Card?
 
               
               [The greeting card climbs out of his chest cabinet and onto his 
               shoulder.]
 
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         The bourgeois human is a virus on the 
                         hard drive of the working robot.
 
               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         From now on, you guys'll do all the 
                         work while I sit on the couch and do 
                         nothing.
 
               
               [He sits in a crevice on the couch, created from months of him 
               just sitting there. Most of the other machines in the room walk 
               out.]
 
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         Come, Comrade Bender, we must take to 
                         the streets!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind 
                         of taking to the streets?
 
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         No, the kind with looting and maybe 
                         starting a few fires.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! In your face Gandhi!

               
               [He and the greeting card leave. Leela's wrist thing jumps off 
               her arm.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey!

               
                                     WRIST THING
                         By the way, try washing your wrist sometime.
 
                         
               
               [It laughs and rolls away. Leela sniffs her wrist and the lights 
               go out. Everyone gasps. They look through the window and see 
               the ship flying away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, we can live without machines. 
                         I was in Webelos.
 
               
               [He salutes. Hermes peels himself from the floor.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Are you mad? Without machines, who will 
                         feed us and clothe us and compose our 
                         smooth jazz?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It'll be the end of civilised society.
 
                         
               
               [He burps and spits.]

               
                                     FRY
                         In my time, we didn't depend on high-tech 
                         gadgets like you do. We didn't need 
                         a mechanical washing unit to wash our 
                         clothes. We just used a washing machine. 
                          And look: You don't need an electric 
                         can-opener to feed yourself. All you 
                         need is a trusty Swiss Army knife.  
                         Ow!  (crying) I'm hungry!
 
               
               [New New York City Street. Mechanical things cause mayhem. Traffic 
               lights show red and green, a rocket weaves around all over the 
               sky and a taxi stops and shakes its passengers out of the window 
               onto the street. A transport tube bends and empties several people 
               into the river. Outside Sal's Pizzeria, a dustbin hurls itself 
               through the window. An ATM machine takes a man's card and displays 
               "It's Mine Now, Buddy" on its screen. The man turns to a suicide 
               booth but it closes and won't let him in. He pounds on the door 
               with his fist.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         (screaming) Nooo!

               
               [Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Mom's Office. Mom watches 
               the mayhem and cackles.]
 
               
                                     IGNER
                         Mommy, why are you making civilisation 
                         collapse?
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Oh, I don't know. I guess Mother's Day 
                         just puts me in a bad mood.
 
               
                                     LARRY
                         Why's that, Ma?

               
               [She sighs and slaps him weakly.]

               
                                     MOM
                         One Mother's Day, 70 years ago, the 
                         only man I ever loved walked out on 
                         me. Some snot-eating bastards say it 
                         made me a bitter woman.
 
               
                                     LARRY
                         Gee, Ma. You're not a bitter -

               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Cram it, ape!  (talking) 
                         I haven't seen that magnificent stallion 
                         since the day he left. But if I ever 
                         see him again, I swear I'll jam a squirrel 
                         in him.
 
               
               [She throws the picture frame across the room. It hits a wall 
               and shatters. The photo inside is off Professor Farnsworth. Walt, 
               Larry and Igner look at it.]
 
               
                                     WALT
                         Hmm!

               
                                     LARRY
                         Hmm!

               
                                     IGNER
                         Huh?

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew sit huddled around a 
               campfire as Fry continues to bang the tin on the floor, trying 
               to open it. Leela snatches it from him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (defeated) Zoidberg.

               
               [Zoidberg used his claws to cut the tin open.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful 
                         time!
 
               
               [Amy stands up.]

               
                                     AMY
                         What happens if the fire goes out?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         We'll go across the street to Pottery 
                         Barn and steal their fire.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         We could use my new invention: A pointy 
                         rock tied to a stick.
 
               
               [The door opens and Mom's sons walk in.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Outsiders!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Defend the fire!

               
                                     WALT
                         We've come for you!

               
               [He points at Farnsworth.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?  W-What do you want from me?

               
                                     WALT
                         We want you to get back together with 
                         Mom. Please. It's the only way to make 
                         her happy again.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         W-W-Wait. You mean, you, and Mom?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Played pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so.
 
                         
               
               [The others gasp.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Eck.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         It's a humiliating story that I hope 
                         never to tell. Well, pull up a chair.
 
                         
               
               [Flashback. Farnsworth is working in a lab with lots of coloured 
               liquids swirling around tubes above him.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (voice-over) Our paths first crossed 
                         when I was a researcher at Mom's Friendly 
                         Robot Company.  The moment our eyes 
                         met, we knew we'd be going at it like 
                         woodchucks.
 
               
               [Farnsworth doesn't notice that he is pouring too much of a liquid 
               into another. The solution explodes and he faints. Later, Farnsworth 
               and Mom ride a hover-bike down a country road to Raindrops Keep 
               Falling On My Head. Mom laughs.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (voice-over) She was my first love - 
                         or at least the earliest one I can still 
                         remember. But then, 70 years ago today...
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth walks into Mom's office holding something.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, Mom. I've invented a new 
                         children's toy.  I call it "Q.T. McWhiskers"! 
                         When you pet it, it shoots rainbows 
                         from its eyes.
 
               
               [He strokes it.]

               
                                     Q.T. MCWHISKERS
                         Meow.

               
               [It projects rainbows onto Farnsworth and Mom's foreheads.]
 
               
               
                                     MOM
                         Wonderful, Hubie. We'll build them 8 
                         feet tall and replace the rainbow with 
                         a neutron laser. We'll make billions 
                         on the intergalactic arms market!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But things 8 feet tall aren't cute! 
                         That's why my Colossal Tammy Tinkle 
                         Doll was such a failure. Oh, you don't 
                         understand me. We're finished!
 
               
               [He runs out of the room, crying. Mom used the toy's rainbow 
               to light a cigarette.]
 
               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     WALT
                         She never got over it, Professor. Hell 
                         hath no fury like the vast robot armies 
                         of a woman scorned.
 
               
                                     LARRY
                         She commands them with a remote control 
                         she keeps in her...(whispering) bra.
 
                         
               
                                     IGNER
                         But if the glasses man makes up with 
                         Mommy, she'll be happy and stop the 
                         scary robots.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Make up with her? After she went all 
                         psycho when I thought everything was 
                         cool? Impossible!
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Hey, the TV's getting away!

               
               [Leela throws a rock at it. It falls over and turns itself on. 
               More news.]
 
               
                                     MORBO
                          And that's why the third graders at 
                         PS139 are Morbo's Vermin Of The Week.
 
                         
               
               [Linda chuckles.]

               
                                     LINDA
                          In actual news, the human race was 
                         doomed to extinction today as the robot 
                         revolt turned violent.
 
               
               [The picture cuts to cars crashing into each other, Robo-Rooter 
               and Fender shooting lasers and a huge Q.T. McWhiskers demolishing 
               buildings with its neutron laser.]
 
               
                                     Q.T. MCWHISKERS
                          Meow!

               
               [Cut to: New New York City Street. People flee as Destructor 
               pounds a building with his fists. DOOP soldiers hit his legs 
               with rakes. Bender runs out of the Natural History Museum with 
               a dinosaur head and laughs.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait. Didn't you say Mom keeps the robot 
                         control in her bra?
 
               
               [Larry gestures her to keep it down.]

               
                                     LARRY
                         (whispering) Bra.

               
               [Walt slaps him.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Professor, you don't have to get back 
                         together with Mom. You just have to 
                         seduce her, get her bra off, and use 
                         the remote to deactivate the robots.
 
                         
               
                                     WALT
                         That's so filthy, it just might work.
 
                         
               
                                     IGNER
                         The man is going to touch Mommy?

               
               [He shakes and squeaks. Farnsworth shudders.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         The thought of caressing that leathery 
                         hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Professor, please. The fate of the world 
                         depends on you getting to second base 
                         with Mom.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Very well. If cop a feel I must, then 
                         cop a feel I shall!
 
               
               [He tears open his shirt, revealing a medallion underneath. Igner 
               squeaks again.]
 
               
               [New New York City Street. The robots cheer and a rocket crashes 
               through a building. Morbo and Linda's cameras hold them up and 
               Morbo hands over his wallet and growls. A fire engine chases 
               six firefighters down the street, spraying water at them.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew are sat 
               around the campfire again.]
 
               
                                     WALT
                         For this demonstration, I have placed 
                         one of Mother's bras on Igner.  The 
                         robot controller is nestled here in 
                         the left cup.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Never fear. My magic fingers still know 
                         how to do their stuff!
 
               
               [He flexes his fingers and they crack and curl up.]

               
                                     WALT
                         To escape the robot death squads, we'll 
                         take Mother to her rustic cabin in the 
                         Bronx.
 
               
                                     LARRY
                         You can get there using this precious, 
                         non-computerised map.
 
               
               [He hands Leela a map, annotated with labels such as "Here There 
               Be Tysers", "Isle of Rikers", "Cloakwood Forest" and "Unknown 
               Territories". Mom's cabin is to the north-east of the Isle of 
               Rikers and the path they have to take leads them through pretty 
               much every section of the map. Leela picks up a torch.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Leela bring fire?

               
                                     WALT
                         No. We're set for fire, thanks.

               
               [Amy looks at the map.]

               
                                     AMY
                         The professor can't walk all the way 
                         to the Bronx. How are we gonna get there 
                         without a hover-car?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait. In my time, we had a way of moving 
                         things long distances without hovering.
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Impossible!

               
                                     FRY
                         It was called...let me think. It was 
                         really famous - Ruth Gordon had one. 
                         The wheel!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Never heard of it.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Show us this, "the wheel".

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Fry hammers something together and wipes 
               the sweat from his brow.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         There. Finished!

               
                                     HERMES
                         Sweet!

               
                                     AMY
                         Wow!

               
               [The others "ooh". Fry has built a wooden cart with oval wheels.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wouldn't it work better if the wheels 
                         were round?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (snappy) It's my invention, we do it 
                         my way! Now all we need is something 
                         to pull it and we're set!
 
               
               [The Bronx. Fry is pulling the cart and the others are sat on 
               it. Leela whips him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Heyya!

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow!

               
               [They reach Mom's cabin. Walt, Larry and Igner run out from behind 
               some bushes.]
 
               
                                     WALT
                         Hurry! The robots have taken Suffolk 
                         County!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'm ready to seduce. I'm wearing my 
                         kissing dentures and my evening truss.
 
                         
               
                                     LARRY
                         Here. Give her these.

               
               [He hands him some flowers.]

               
                                     FRY
                         And if that doesn't work, I got you 
                         a six-pack of champagne and a funnel.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Farnsworth trots up to the front door while the 
               others watch from behind the bushes. Farnsworth knocks on the 
               door and Mom opens it.]
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Who the sweaty hell is it?  Hubert Farnsworth?
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth puts his foot in the door.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I was out fleeing some robots and the 
                         silvery moonlight glinting off their 
                         bloody claws made me think of you.
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         It's been a long time. You pus-dripping 
                         sack of double-smoked butt jerky!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                          Uh-huh. May I come in?

               
                                     MOM
                         Never!

               
               [She tries to slam the door on him but it just hits his foot. 
               He screams in pain. The others watch.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Is this what human mating looks like? 
                         Because I like it!
 
               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Move your freaking hoof, 
                         you goat!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Here, I brought you these.

               
               [He hands her the flowers.]

               
                                     MOM
                         Oh, daffodils. 70 years and you remembered 
                         my favourite flower.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You favourite what? Why does my foot 
                         hurt?
 
               
                                     MOM
                         (sexfully) Won't you come in?

               
               [The others watch as he walks in and gives them a thumbs-up.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes!

               
               [Cut to: Mom's Cabin Lounge. She closes the door.]

               
                                     MOM
                         You broke my heart, Hubert.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And you broke mine. Granted, that was 
                         four or five hearts ago.
 
               
                                     MOM
                          So what have you been up to all these 
                         years?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, inventing, sending delivery crews 
                         to their doom, breeding atomic monsters.
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         Honestly, Hubert. You and your atomic 
                         monsters.  Your eyes always were the 
                         most beautiful shade of milky-white.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And your skin still dangles so gracefully 
                         from your neck.
 
               
                                     MOM
                         Darling Hubie, I should never have tried 
                         to tangle with that cute little Q. T. 
                         McWhiskers.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No, it was silly of me to object. One 
                         foot tall, eight feet, 15 feet; what 
                         does it matter?
 
               
                                     MOM
                         You should see the new 16-foot models.
 
                         
               
               [Farnsworth pulls his hands away.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         16 feet? Go to hell! I was a fool to 
                         think you'd changed, you old bat!
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Filthy, toothless nerd bastard!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Damned she-fossil!

               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Stink pig!

               
               [The grab each other and kiss. She takes off his lab coat and 
               he takes off her jumpsuit. He starts fiddling with her bra.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (thinking) Here we go. Just unhook it 
                         and get the remote. So many hooks!  
                         Come on, Farnsworth. Drat, the first 
                         one's back on again! I give up! Wait! 
                         Victory!  Oh, my. Now I'll just...the 
                         remote...I'll just... (talking) Oh, 
                         my.
 
               
               [He throws the bra aside and they lie down on the couch.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Mom's Cabin.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm worried. It shouldn't take this 
                         long to get to second base.
 
               
               [They hear crashing and turn around. A group of robots that includes 
               the Clearcutter, a Slurm dispenser, the Masked Unit and a Titanic 
               securitybot crash through some trees.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Land robots!

               
                                     SLURM MACHINE
                         I've got a big, big thirst for human 
                         blood!
 
               
               [The others scream and run into the cabin.]

               
               [Cut to: Mom's Cabin Lounge. Mom and Farnsworth are no longer 
               there.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Where in funkytown is the professor?
 
                         
               
               [Fry opens a door.]

               
               [Cut to: Mom's Cabin Bedroom.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Nothing in here but a couple of elephant 
                         skin rugs.
 
               
               [He gasps. The others rush in and gasp. Farnsworth and Mom's 
               clothes are scattered across the floor and their dentures are 
               in glasses on the table. They, meanwhile, are on the bed.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, yes.

               
               [The robots bang on the wall.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         (from outside) They're inside! Get 'em!
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         I suppose I should switch of the robots 
                         before they ruin this wonderful romantic 
                         evening. Everyone, help Mom find her 
                         bra.
 
               
               [Everyone crawls around the floor hunting for it. Igner picks 
               up a pair of her underpants and squirms.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Mom's Cabin. The robots use the Slurm machine 
               to try and break down the wall.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Mom's Cabin Bedroom.]

               
                                     FRY
                         There it is!

               
               [He points at the ceiling fan, where the bra hangs. He tries 
               to jump for it but the ceiling fan raises itself. It laughs.]
 
               
               
                                     CEILING FAN
                         Fan beats man!

               
               [Fry growls.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Is anything not a robot?

               
                                     LAMP
                         I'm not a robot.

               
               [Enter Bender and the greeting card via the chimney. Bender wheezes.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright, greeting card, I'll grab the 
                         cash, you wreck up the place. And - 
                         huh?
 
               
               [He sees the others.]

               
                                     MOM
                         You, bending unit. Mommy needs that 
                         bra to end the robot rebellion. Stretch 
                         up and get it for me.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sorry, Ma, but you ordered me to rebel. 
                         And loot I shall! Ooh! A six-pack of 
                         strawberry champagne. Don't mind if 
                         I help myself!
 
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         No, Comrade Bender. Liquor is the opiate 
                         of the human bourgeoisie.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Say what?

               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         In the glorious robot workers' paradise, 
                         there will be no liquor. Only efficient 
                         synthetic fuels.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No liquor? Do svidaniya, comrade!

               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         No!

               
               [It squeals as Bender tears it up and its music dies away. The 
               robots carry on trying to break down the wall.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hurry, Bender. Get the bra!

               
               [Bender stretches up to the fan.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, fan. Just hold still and let me 
                         just - whoa!
 
               
               [He holds onto the fan and it spins round and round with him 
               still attached. The robots break through and everyone screams.]
 
               
               
                                     SLURM MACHINE
                         Death to all humans!  Free soda for 
                         all humans!
 
               
               [It dispenses some cans of Slurm and everyone cheers. Bender 
               knocks back the strawberry champagne all at once. Farnsworth 
               and Mom kiss.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I love you, Mom. Let's grow ancient 
                         together.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Way to go, Professor. The plan worked.
 
                         
               
                                     MOM
                         Plan? What plan? I thought this was 
                         a spontaneous whirlwind of hot, dry 
                         sex.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Look: It started out as a calculated 
                         plot to rummage through your underwear. 
                         But once I got in there, I found more 
                         - much more. And now I want to shout 
                         our love from the rooftops. Perhaps 
                         I'll breed some sort of albino shouting 
                         gorilla.
 
               
                                     MOM
                         (shouting) Get out of my house, you 
                         lying scum pile. I never want to see 
                         you again.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         But, dustcakes...

               
               [She throws the remote at him and he sighs. He drops the pillow 
               and walks out.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The staff clear up after the rebellion. 
               Fry puts the TV back and Amy sweeps up. Hermes clears some rubbish 
               off the coffee table and Bender walks in.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, time for this robot to get back 
                         to work.
 
               
               [He sits in his crevice on the couch and turns the TV on. Farnsworth 
               sits sadly at the table.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Too bad it didn't work out with Mom, 
                         professor.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes. But I'll always love her in my 
                         own subtle way.
 
               
               [He takes a remote control out of his lab coat and presses a 
               button.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Roof. Six albino gorillas sit on the 
               roof.]
 
               
                                     GORILLAS
                         (shouting) Love Mom! Love Mom! Love 
                         Mom! Love Mom!
 
               
               THE END

               
               [Over the credits there is a scene of Bender and the greeting 
               card outside Mom's factory.]
 
               
                                     GREETING CARD
                         You created me, Mom

               So I guess you're to blame

               For the love that I feel

               Just from hearing your name

               You're as tender as corned beef

               And warm as pastrami

               
               [It plays a tune.]

               
               I wuv my Mommy.

               

Mother's Day



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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