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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 107 

                                    "MY THREE SUNS"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet


               
               [Outside Robot Wash. Bender inserts a coin and chooses his wash 
               program from regular, deluxe and sub-standard. He selects deluxe 
               and steps onto a conveyor belt. It moves forward and Rose Royce's 
               Car Wash plays. Bender pushes down his antenna and sings his 
               own words.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Going through the 'bot wash!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Robot Wash.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (singing) Goin' through the robot wash!
 
                         
               C'mon, y'all and sing it with me

               'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

               'Bot wash, yeah!

               
               [A huge drying machine dries him. He sees an undercoating machine 
               and puts a quarter in. The machine clamps around his legs and 
               he is in ecstasy as the machine does the undercoating.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Robot Wash. He comes out the other side of the 
               Robot Wash and it hangs a pine tree air freshener around his 
               neck. He turns round and admires his shiny metal ass.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah!  Aww!

               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Presented in Doublevision Doublevision 
               (Where Drunk)]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down to watch Essence of 
               Elzar, a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef Elzar and a 
               not-so-subtle parody of Essence Of Emeril. Elzar has black hair, 
               and the usual four arms a Neptunian has.]
 
               
                                     ELZAR
                          Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show! 
                         You know, you don't have to drive all 
                         the way to Neptune for great Neptunian 
                         food. Today we're gonna kick it up a 
                         notch as I show you how to fricassee 
                         a mouth-watering Neptunian slug.  Now 
                         while you grease the pan and preheat 
                         your oven to 3500 degrees you're gonna 
                         separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced 
                         eggplant and then give the whole thing 
                         a good blast from your spice weasel 
                         - bam!
 
               
               [Enter Fry and Leela. Leela is wearing a green top instead of 
               her usual white one.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, what you watching?

               
               [Bender quickly turns off the TV.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh, nothing!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Is that a cooking show?

               
                                     BENDER
                         No, of course not! It was...uh...porno! 
                         Yeah that's it!
 
               
               [Leela turns the TV back on and sees the programme.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking! 
                         That's so cute!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (ashamed) Oh, it's true! I've been hiding 
                         it for so long.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Its OK, Bender, I like cooking too.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER (WHISPERING)
                         Pansy!

               
                                     ELZAR
                          Of course, your most important ingredient 
                         is this baby right here: the Neptunian 
                         slug. You can get it in a can but to 
                         really do things right you gotta strangle 
                         yourself a fresh one.  Now this is why 
                         you gotta use cast-iron cookware.
 
                         
               
               [He starts hitting the slug between it's eye stalks with a frying 
               pan. Bender watches and is spooked when the slug does something 
               to Elzar.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Outside the office a sign flashes 
               indicating there is a chewing out happening inside.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Bender, man. It has come to my attention 
                         that this company has been paying you 
                         to do nothing but loaf about on the 
                         couch.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         I'm sorry but if you want to continue 
                         drawing a salary you gotta do more than 
                         watch the cooking shows all day.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hmm.

               
               [He rubs his chin.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Fry are sat at the table while 
               Bender stands next to it wearing a chef's hat and an apron.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         You're gonna be the ship's cook?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch. 
                         Bam!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I know you like cooking shows but you're 
                         a robot, you don't even have a sense 
                         of taste.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if 
                         I was wearing a lime green tank top.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Bam!

               
               [Little Neptune Street. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through an 
               area of New New York City where bums and lowlifes hang around.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         So this is Little Neptune?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yep. Every chef knows that this is the 
                         place to get exotic gourmet ingredients.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Among other things.

               
               [In an alleyway a crack addict stands in front of what looks 
               like a normal vending machine but is actually a crack dispenser. 
               He inserts a coin and the machine starts twisting a tube of crack 
               out but it jams. The crack addict starts clawing the glass.]
 
               
               
                                     CRACK ADDICT
                         Come on, man, don't hold out on me like 
                         this!
 
               
               [Fry walks past a man who wears a long coat.]

               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         Psst! You want to buy organ?  Fresh 
                         and cheap. Ready for transplant!
 
               
                                     FRY
                          Ooh! What's this?

               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!
 
                         
               
               [Fry reads the label.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a minute! This says Z-Ray.

               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         Z is just as good. In fact, is better. 
                         Is two more than X.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hmm, I can see where that would be an 
                         advantage. Do you take cash?
 
               
               [He takes out his wallet but Leela quickly pulls him away and 
               they carry on walking.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, you have to be more careful. We're 
                         not in the 20th century. You don't know 
                         how things work here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew 
                         up in this city. These are my people. 
                          What up?
 
               
                                     ALIEN
                         Word!

               
                                     FRY
                         See?

               
               [Little Neptune Market. The trio look around at what is on offer.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat 
                         here except human!
 
               
               
               [In an aisle Leela picks up a jar.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What's this spice for?

               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh! That's ridiculous. (whispering) 
                         I'll take two pounds!
 
               
               [At the meat counter Bender looks at tubbed slug and I Can't 
               Believe It's Not Slug. He looks up at the salesman.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug.
 
                         
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Whatever.

               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, yeah, either one's fine.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, have you seen Fry?

               
               [Cut to: Little Neptune Street. Fry is back with the organ dealer 
               in the alley.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Now that you mention it, I do have trouble 
                         breathing underwater sometimes. I'll 
                         take the gills.
 
               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need 
                         lungs anymore, is right?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Can't imagine why I would.

               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         Lie down on table. I take lungs now, 
                         gills come next week.  (shouting) Nurse!
 
                         
               
               [A huge man comes over and holds down Fry's arms.]

               
                                     NURSE
                         Let's do it.

               
                                     ORGAN DEALER
                         You may feel small pain --

               
               [Leela punches him in the face and he falls over. Then she kicks 
               the nurse to the floor. The organ dealer runs away down the alley 
               and throws his scalpel back at Leela. She dives out of the way 
               and it flies into Bender's chest cabinet. He closes the door.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Thank you!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table while Leela scolds 
               him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What the hell were you doing? I warned 
                         you to stay away from those guys.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm capable of making my own decisions, 
                         Leela. Did you ever stop to think I 
                         might be happier with gills?
 
               
               [Enter Farnsworth.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone...

               
                                     BENDER
                         Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         ...you'll be making a delivery to the 
                         planet Trisol...
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Here it comes.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         ...A mysterious world in the darkest 
                         depths of the Forbidden Zone.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Thank you, and goodnight.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in 
                         the Forbidden Zone?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why, of course! Its just a name! Like 
                         the Death Zone or the Zone Of No Return. 
                         All the zones have names like that in 
                         the Galaxy Of Terror!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh, Professor...

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Off you go, pleasant trip.

               
               [Ships Cockpit. Zoidberg and Amy join the crew on the mission. 
               Bender is not with them. Fry leans back in his chair and shouts 
               down a hole in the floor.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Hey Bender how's dinner coming?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                          Almost ready!

               
               [Cut to: Ships Galley. Bender is wearing his chef's hat and a 
               new apron which says To Serve Man. He takes the Neptunian slug 
               out of a pot of boiling water, puts it on a plate and puts an 
               apple in its mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now for a dash of salt!  Uh-oh!

               
               [Ships Mess. The crew are all ready to eat. Bender carves the 
               tiny, deflated slug. Leela leans in to the rest of the crew.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Listen, this is Bender's 
                         first meal and he's a little sensitive. 
                         So let's be supportive, OK?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, OK.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Alright.

               
               [They start eating.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Oh, dear God!

               
               [She spits the slug out and so does everyone else.]

               
                                     FRY
                         That's the saltiest thing I've ever 
                         tasted. And I once a big heaping bowl 
                         of salt!
 
               
               [Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spit 
               it out.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender, is this salt water?

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's salt with water in it if that's 
                         what you mean.
 
               
               [Fry waves his hand in front of his eyes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna 
                         die.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         There was nothing wrong with that food. 
                         The salt level was 10% less than a lethal 
                         dose.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds.
 
                         
               
               [The ship speeds towards the Planet Trisol.]

               
               [Trisol Surface. The ship lands on a landing pad in a desert.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver 
                         and for once in your life be careful. 
                         This is my first visit to the Galaxy 
                         Of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant 
                         one.
 
               
               [She slaps Fry who is mimicking her with his hand.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't touch anything or talk to anyone. 
                         Just go to the palace, drop it off and 
                         come right back.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering 
                         things before you were born! I think 
                         I know what I'm doing.
 
               
               [He walks off without the package and quickly returns for it.]
 
               
               
               [Trisol Surface. Fry is walking across the desert in the sweltering 
               heat.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty. 
                          Oh, come on! Go down already!  Ah!
 
                         
               
               [On the other side of him two other much larger suns rise over 
               the horizon.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry nears the Trisol Palace, climbs the huge staircase 
               and enters the palace.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. It is deserted.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hello? Anybody home?

               
               [He reads the package address. It is addressed to the Emperor. 
               He decides to leave it on the throne. He sees a bottle of water 
               beside the throne, looks around, then drinks the entire contents. 
               Two pools of water close in on him and form into humanoid shapes. 
               Guards.]
 
               
                                     GUARD #1
                         The royal bottle is empty!

               
               [The second guard gasps.]

               
                                     GUARD #2
                         You drank our Emperor!

               
                                     FRY
                         No! It wasn't me!

               
               [He burps a small bubble of the Emperor. He pops it and laughs 
               nervously.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. More guards have come in.]

               
                                     GUARD #1
                         You drank our Emperor! You assassinated 
                         him.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I didn't mean to. He just looked so 
                         cool and refreshing.
 
               
                                     GUARD #3
                         I'm sure he was.

               
                                     GUARD #1
                         But now he's gone and your fate is sealed. 
                         All hail the new Emperor.
 
               
               [The guards bow to Fry.]

               
                                     GUARDS
                         (chanting) Hail! Hail! Hail!

               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is sat on the Emperor's throne with two Trisolian 
               women at his side fanning him. The rest of the Planet Express 
               crew have arrived.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So after I specifically asked you not 
                         to touch anything, you drank a bottle 
                         of strange blue liquid? It could have 
                         been poisonous acid!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It could have been. But chances were 
                         equally good it was an Emperor.
 
               
               [Enter a Trisolian.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg, 
                         the High Priest. If I might interject?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You might.

               
                                     MERG
                         I humbly advise that as your first act 
                         you choose a capable Prime Minister. 
                         I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee.
 
                         
               
                                     GORGAK
                         I will be a forceful and effective administrator.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         You know, Fry, I've often thought about 
                         becoming a Prime Minister.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I gotta go with Bender.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! In your face, Gorgak!

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's it, Fry. As your captain I order 
                         you back to the ship. You are in way 
                         over your head.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better 
                         check with my Prime Minister.
 
               
               [Bender is now sat being fanned.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Stay the course, pal!

               
                                     GORGAK
                         Your Highness, a package came for you.
 
                         
               
               [He hands Fry the same package he was supposed to deliver earlier.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, thanks!  Wow! This got here just 
                         in time.
 
               
               [He hangs it on a column next to his throne.]

               
               [Trisol Palace Harem. The room is full of shelves which are full 
               of bottles of Trisolians. Merg is with Fry.]
 
               
                                     MERG
                         This is Your Majesty's harem. You may 
                         choose any of these maidens to be your 
                         royal consort.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Umm, how about that one?

               
               [He points to a random bottle.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was 
                         into that sort of thing!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         On second thought, I'll take that one.
 
                         
               
               [He points to another random bottle.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Hey, whatever you say, I'm not here 
                         to pass judgement.
 
               
               [Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew are lounging around enjoying 
               themselves. Amy is stirring a glass of water with her finger. 
               Leela paces up and down.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Does anyone else think it's odd that 
                         a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy 
                         could drop out of the sky, kill the 
                         emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You don't have to beat around the bush, 
                         Leela, we all know who you're talking 
                         about...uh, me, right?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I don't think you have anything to worry 
                         about. These people seem really mild-mannered.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They are mild. In fact, you're soaking 
                         in one right now.
 
               
               [Amy screams and takes her finger out of the glass. Gorgak appears 
               from it.]
 
               
                                     GORGAK
                         You touched me in ways I've never been 
                         touched before.
 
               
               [Enter Merg.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's 
                         time to begin preparing for tomorrow's 
                         coronation ceremony.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal 
                         shell.
 
               
                                     MERG
                         Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the 
                         setting of the three suns when we Trisolians 
                         enter our nocturnal phase.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         There won't be a lot of long-winded 
                         speeches, will there?
 
               
                                     MERG
                         Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation 
                         from memory of the royal oath. By you.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Will there be cake?

               
               [Trisolian Banquet Hall. It is the Pre-Coronation Gala. Trisolians 
               perform on a stage. Zoidberg talks to two Trisolians.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Yeah, I know.

               
                                     AMY
                          Hi!

               
               [She wiggles her fingers. Fry pours a glass of something for 
               Merg.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         There you go.

               
               [The Trisolians playing the liquid harmonica with themselves 
               as the liquid finish. The audience applauds and Gorgak takes 
               the stage.]
 
               
                                     GORGAK
                         And now, get ready to laugh til your 
                         sides leak with our planet's foremost 
                         political satirist, Florp!
 
               
               [He leaves and Florp walks onto the stage.]

               
                                     FLORP
                         So what is the deal with people from 
                         under the orange sun? They're all... 
                         But us guys from under the red sun, 
                         we're like... Right? Am I right?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Fry, I have to talk to 
                         you. You're in terrible danger.
 
               
               [Trisol Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings 
               of past Trisolian Emperors.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You see Emperor Plon here?  He met his 
                         end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug. 
                         And before he could even wipe his mouth, 
                         Strug was drunk by Shwab.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Look at all these guys. Do you have 
                         any idea what the average length of 
                         their reigns was?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         80,000 years?

               
                                     LEELA
                         No. One week.

               
                                     FRY
                         Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked 
                         unless it was really high or really 
                         low.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating 
                         the previous one. And guess who's next?
 
                         
               
               [She points at Fry's portrait. Fry looks at some empty frames 
               labelled Fry's Assassin and Fry's Assassin's Assassin. He points 
               at the last one.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well at least my assassin will get what's 
                         coming to him.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're in tremendous danger, you idiot! 
                         Half of these Emperors were drunk at 
                         their own coronation.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis 
                         myself.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, they were assassinated. In fact, 
                         the law says you'll be killed on the 
                         spot if you fail to recite the oath 
                         from memory.
 
               
               [She holds up a book called Oath Vol. I.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, I was going to thumb through that 
                         later.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That is completely reckless. Don't you 
                         ever think ahead?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead, 
                         I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't 
                         even be here in the year 3000. It's 
                         just like the story of the grasshopper 
                         and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper 
                         kept burying acorns for winter while 
                         the octopus mooched off his girlfriend 
                         and watched TV. But then the winter 
                         came and the grasshopper died and the 
                         octopus ate all his acorns and also 
                         he got a racecar. Is any of this getting 
                         through to you?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I give up! You're gonna get yourself 
                         killed and this time I won't be here 
                         to save you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who asked you to? I told you a hundred 
                         times to stop treating me like a baby. 
                         Now go. Go gather your nuts you nagging 
                         grasshopper.
 
               
               [Leela angrily throws down the book.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's it! I'm never helping you again! 
                         If anyone except you needs me, I'll 
                         be in the ship.
 
               
               [She storms off.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's 
                         gonna drink me.  Quit it!
 
               
               [He knocks the straw away from his neck and it disappears back 
               into the hole in the painting.]
 
               
               [Trisol Palace Front Balcony. The Planet Express crew sans Leela 
               are gathered with Fry. Merg is on a podium facing across the 
               Trisolian Surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to 
               hear Fry's oath.]
 
               
                                     MERG
                         People of Trisol, it is my honour to 
                         present your new Emperor!
 
               
               [The Trisolians applaud Fry, who takes Merg's place on the podium. 
               Fry clears his throat.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What up?

               
               [Silence from the crowd.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Stick to the oath.

               
                                     FRY
                         Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous, 
                         who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled 
                         Zorn the Stagnant...
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The suns are nearly set. Fry is still reciting the 
               oath by reading it from his arm.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         ...who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed 
                         a soup composed principally of Throm 
                         the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule 
                         with honour and insanity - uh, integrity!
 
                         
               
                                     MERG
                         Congratulations, Your Highness.  I now 
                         present you with your royal unisex robe. 
                         Long live Fry The Solid!
 
               
               [He puts the robe on Fry. The Trisolians cheer. The suns begin 
               to go down.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can 
                         finally switch to hard liquor!
 
               
               [He gets a bottle out of his chest cabinet. The three suns set 
               and the Trisolians begin to turn a lighter shade of blue.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful! 
                         Hey, what's that?
 
               
               [He points at Fry's stomach. It is turning blue and growing a 
               face. The Trisolians gasp and quickly return to normal shade.]
 
               
               
                                     MERG
                         The Emperor Bont! He's still alive.
 
                         
               
                                     BONT
                         Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep 
                         open and drain me out!
 
               
               [Guards close in on Fry. Fry clutches his stomach.]

               
                                     FRY
                         My tummy hurts!

               
               [The guards and Merg chase Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender up the 
               steps.]
 
               
                                     BONT
                         They're over here, they're running up 
                         the stairs.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Shut up, you!

               
               [He punches Bont, hurting Fry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow!

               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew get inside the palace 
               and bolt the door.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Throne Room.]

               
                                     MERG
                         Let us in!

               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]

               
                                     MERG
                          Fry must die so that Bont may live.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         What am I gonna do?

               
                                     AMY
                         We've gotta get the Emperor out of your 
                         body before they kill you!
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in 
                         a high-speed centrifuge separating out 
                         the denser fluid of His Highness.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         But won't that crush my bones?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, right, right, with the bones! I 
                         always forget about the bones.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?
 
                         
               
                                     BONT
                         Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be 
                         dripped out through somebody's armpit.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I could vomit or urinate. Would you 
                         feel better about that?
 
               
                                     BONT
                         Slightly. But my favourite so far is 
                         the bone-crushing.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         What about crying?

               
                                     FRY
                         That's a great idea! Crying.

               
                                     BONT
                         Fine. That or the bone one.

               
               [Cut to: Outside Throne Room. Trisolians are throwing themselves 
               at the door. As they hit it they turn into pools of water. They 
               regroup themselves and stand up.]
 
               
                                     MERG
                         Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting 
                         to peel.
 
               
               [Gorgak throws himself at the door but can't re-solidify.]

               
                                     GORGAK
                         Oh, dear!

               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. Fry is trying to cry.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just 
                         too macho.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll make you cry, buddy!  You're a 
                         pimple on society's ass and you'll never 
                         amount to anything.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What do you mean? I was Emperor of a 
                         whole planet.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Good point. But here's a disturbing 
                         reminder: Everyone you knew or loved 
                         in the 20th century is dead.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         These things happen.

               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 
                         'cause there's no God and your idiotic 
                         human ideals are laughable!
 
               
               [He laughs evily.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Phew! That's a load off my mind.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Man, I guess it's harder than I thought 
                         to make someone cry.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         You did your best, Bender.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Up yours, bimbo!

               
               [Amy bursts into tears.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Let's face it, we're in hot butter here. 
                         We should call Leela for help.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Cram it, lobster!  That is a good idea. 
                         I'll go call her.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         She'll never help me. She's still mad 
                         that I told her never to help me.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold 
                         a grudge.
 
               
               [Ships Cargo Bay. Leela is punching and kicking a punch bag with 
               Fry's photo taped to it. The phone rings.]
 
               
                                     OPERATOR
                          Collect call from...

               
                                     BENDER
                          I'm not giving my name to a machine.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'll accept.

               
               [Bender appears on the phone screen.]

               
                                     BENDER
                          Fry's in trouble...

               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace. Bender is sat on a chair in front of 
               the payphone.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         ...and he needs help. Now, I don't like 
                         you and you don't like me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          I like you.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You do? Look are you going to help or 
                         not?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                          I don't know why I should. I mean after 
                         what he --
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait, wait, wait, wait.  What is it 
                         you like best about me?
 
               
               [Trisol Palace Throne Room. Enter Bender.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Is she coming?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm not sure. But I do know that she 
                         likes my in-your-face attitude.
 
               
               [There is a rumbling from outside. The crew gather around a window 
               and look out. The Trisolians are pulling a giant lemon juicer-like 
               thing towards the palace.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What the hell is that?

               
                                     BONT
                         Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain 
                         my juices from you while filtering out 
                         the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded 
                         remains.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         This is the saddest day of my life. 
                         And I still can't cry.
 
               
               [Fry sits in his throne but a splashing noise from outside attracts 
               the others to the window.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait a second. Here comes Leela.

               
               [Cut to: Outside Trisol Palace. Leela kicks her way through the 
               crowd of Trisolian guards, splashing them to oblivion. They swarm 
               her.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, no. They have her totally outnumbered.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I can't believe it. She's risking her 
                         life for me after the way I treated 
                         her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         You do? Hmm.

               
                                     FRY
                         Is she alright?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out 
                         this window. Oh, dear God in heaven, 
                         they're swarming all over her.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No. No!

               
                                     AMY
                         What are you talking about, Bender? 
                         She's al --  (muffled) Oh!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         They're strapping her to juicer. Oh, 
                         they're putting some ice cubes in the 
                         glass under it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This can't be happening.

               
                                     BENDER
                         It can and, for all you know, it is. 
                          I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead.
 
               
               [Fry starts to cry and Amy catches his tear in the bottle.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         All Leela ever wanted to do was help 
                         me. But I was to proud, too stupid to 
                         accept it.  I wish I had died instead 
                         of her.
 
               
               [He starts to cry. Enter Leela via the window.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         What are you talking about?

               
               [Fry stops crying.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela! You're alive!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Of course I'm alive.

               
                                     BENDER
                         I told Fry you were dead so he would 
                         cry out the Emperor but you had to go 
                         and wreck it by surviving.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         We only got two drops.

               
               [There is a bang at the door. The Trisolians begin leaking in 
               through a hole. Bont chuckles.]
 
               
                                     BONT
                         It's only a matter of time now.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'll handle this!

               
               [He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets 
               it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out 
                         of this if you're willing to let me 
                         help you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take 
                         all the help you're willing to give. 
                         I know you just want what's best for 
                         me.  Ow! What was that for?  Hey, come 
                         on!  That hurt!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I know. Amy, get the bottle.

               
               [She carries on beating Fry up while Amy holds the bottle under 
               his eye.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (crying) Oh, now I understand.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on. Everybody help out Fry.

               
               [She slaps him again, Zoidberg pinches his leg with his claw 
               and Bender stubs out a cigar on his arm.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (crying) Thanks, everybody. I love you 
                         all. You guys are true -- ow! Cut it 
                         out, Bender! That's a tender area!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         How we doing, Amy?

               
                                     AMY
                         Great! We're one-tenth of the way there.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela, Zoidberg and Bender are tired out. Amy keeps 
               kicking the Emperor out of Fry. She pants.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         OK, it's your turn.

               
               [She points to someone. A Trisolian starts to hit Fry with a 
               chair.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, wait a minute! Who are you?

               
                                     BONT
                         I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me 
                         out.
 
               
               [Fry looks at his stomach and sees it's back to normal.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, you're welcome.

               
               [Bont hits him with the chair again.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Trisolian Palace. The crowds have gone. Fry 
               cries in pain from inside.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          Hey! Save some for me!

               
               THE END

               

My Three Suns



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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