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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 210 

                             "PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER"

                                           By

                                       Ken Keeler

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Not Based On The Novel by James Fenimore 
               Cooper.]
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV the heads of George Washington 
               and Abraham Lincoln sit on podiums in front of a red curtain.]
 
               
               
                                     LINCOLN
                          Four score and 1145 years ago our forefather's 
                         foreheads conceived a new nation.
 
                         
               
                                     WASHINGTON
                          And this Presidents' Day we honoureth 
                         those values that my body fought and 
                         died for.
 
               
               [Behind the heads the curtain opens and reveals a car showroom. 
               The salesman, a robot called Malfunctioning Eddie, points to 
               a car.]
 
               
                                     MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
                          Values like this brand new Plymouth 
                         V'Ger! Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie 
                         and I'm malfunctioning so badly I'm 
                         practically giving these cars away!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents 
                         promised if I got all B's they'd buy 
                         me a bar. And I got all C's!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Mind if I tag along? I gotta bring my 
                         ass in for servicing.  The recall notice 
                         says it could burst into flames in a 
                         low-speed collision.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No wonder you've been staying at the 
                         back of conga lines lately.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.
 
                         
               
               [She taps his ass with a rolled-up newspaper and it bursts into 
               flames. Amy, Fry and Leela recoil in horror.]
 
               
               [Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. A man with an accent introduces 
               himself to Amy.]
 
               
                                     VICTOR
                         Hello, I am Victor and I know many things 
                         about the art of unloading fine cars 
                         on beautiful women.
 
               
               [He kisses her hand.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh-huh. Now tell us she's witty and 
                         sophisticated.
 
               
                                     VICTOR
                         Ah-ah-ah! A gentleman always sells a 
                         lady a car first.  This is the Beta 
                         Romeo. Yes, the Beta Romeo. Note the 
                         cross-your-heart seat belt which protects, 
                         lifts and separates.
 
               
               [At the coffee machine Fry pours himself a cup. A salesman puts 
               his hand on his shoulder.]
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Spotted her the minute you walked in, 
                         didn't you, sir? She's a real beauty.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yup, she's beautiful coffee alright.
 
                         
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         No, the Ford Thundercougarfalconbird! 
                          Nothing makes you feel more like a 
                         man than a Thundercougarfalconbird. 
                         So how much were you thinking of spending 
                         on this Thundercougarfalconbird?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Sorry, I'm not here to buy.

               
                                     SALESMAN
                         I understand and it's wonderful you 
                         don't care whether anyone questions 
                         your sexual orientation.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I care! I care plenty! I just don't 
                         know how to make them stop!
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         One word: Thundercougarfalconbird!
 
                         
               
               [Amy and Victor are now sat in the Beta Romeo.]

               
                                     VICTOR
                         The luxurious seats are stuffed with 
                         eagle down and the dashboard inlaid 
                         with the beaks of a thousand eagles. 
                         Also, there are some eagles under the 
                         floorboards.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         That's an awful lot of eagle.

               
                                     VICTOR
                         Yes, and yet--

               
               [He sighs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         What's wrong?

               
                                     VICTOR
                         It is just, the luxury edition has so 
                         much more eagle. It saddens me to think 
                         of you missing out.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, don't be sad. My parents are paying 
                         and they're incredibly rich.
 
               
               [Victor raises his right eyebrow and pushes it down again with 
               his finger.]
 
               
               [Service Department. Bender is lying down on a raised platform 
               and a mechanic drills into his back, causing him pain. The mechanic 
               lowers him to the ground and he gets up.]
 
               
                                     MECHANIC
                         I installed shock-absorbing bumpers 
                         to reduce the risk of catastrophic butt 
                         failure.
 
               
               [Bender turns around and gasps at what he sees grafted to his 
               butt.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You, sir, have defaced a national treasure! 
                         I demand you restore my buttocks to 
                         their former glory.
 
               
               [He gets back onto the platform.]

               
                                     MECHANIC
                         Alright. But sooner or later that ass 
                         is gonna blow. And when it does, I just 
                         pray you're not moonin' someone you 
                         care about.
 
               
               [Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. Amy and Leela look under the 
               bonnet of the Beta Romeo's.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Smeesh, Leela! This car has everything 
                         a beautiful woman like me needs. Victor 
                         said so.
 
               
               [Victor chuckles.]

               
                                     VICTOR
                         (to himself) No dog food for Victor 
                         tonight.
 
               
               [Leela closes the bonnet.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, the sticker says 55,000 but we'll 
                         only go as high as say--
 
               
               [Amy puts her hand in the air.]

               
                                     AMY
                         60,000!

               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     VICTOR
                         Oh, I will have to ask my manager.
 
                         
               
               [He walks into Malfunctioning Eddie's office.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Amy, you don't go up from the sticker 
                         price.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I thought it was an auction.

               
               [Through the office window, we see Victor say something to Eddie. 
               Eddie smiles and they both dance. Victor comes back out again.]
 
               
               
                                     VICTOR
                         He is not too happy.

               
                                     AMY
                         I'm sorry. 80,000?

               
               [Eddie's head explodes.]

               
               [New New York City Street. Amy and the others drive back to the 
               Planet Express building. Outside, she prepares to park the car.]
 
               
               
                                     AMY
                         Uh-oh. I'm terrible at parallel parking.
 
                         
               
               [The car moves into a space sideways then shunts two cars in 
               front and behind it.]
 
               
               [Planet Express Corridor. Fry and Leela walk past Hermes' office.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         (from inside) And now you're asking 
                         for a day off? Get out of my and my 
                         sight!  You're bogarting my patience.
 
                         
               
               [The door opens and Hermes walks out.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hermes. Who were you yelling at?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Myself. I asked myself a Valentine's 
                         Day off. But I was in no mood for any 
                         of my shenanigans.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! 
                         I forgot to get a girlfriend again. 
                         Well since neither of us has a date, 
                         why don't we...
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You just assume I can't get a Valentine's 
                         date?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Shall we say 8 o'clock?

               
               [Enter Amy.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Hey, I'm taking my new car out for a 
                         spin to Mercury. Anybody wanna come?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, OK. What's the weather like?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         The usual: Boiling lead, oceans of lava.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         So, what? Shorts?

               
               [Amy's Car. They drive across the Mercurial surface listening 
               to music.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Boy, this A.C. is incredible!  I'd better 
                         turn on the heater too.  (shouting) 
                         Boy, this heater is incredible! I'd 
                         better turn up the A.C. some more.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) Hey, how about some icy margaritas?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Yeah!  We're slowing down!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) Don't worry. I'll hit the 
                         fuel guzzler!
 
               
               [She presses a button and the car accelerates.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Who wants pop-tarts?  Uh-oh!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         It's OK, I have an emergency phone.
 
                         
               
               [She picks up a make-up case and applies blusher to her cheeks.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         What are you doing?

               
                                     AMY
                         Spluh! It's a video-phone.  Lucky I'm 
                         a member of the Astro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian 
                         Auto Association.  Hello? Septuple-A?
 
                         
               
               [The sun beats down on the planet. Beads of sweat pour down Fry's 
               face. He leans back over the seat and pulls the hood over the 
               car.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Phew!

               
               [Amy finishes her call and sighs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         It'll be a couple hours. Oh, I'm gonna 
                         get sweat on my sweat-suit.
 
               
               [She pulls the zip on her top down.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, tell me something: You've got all 
                         this money, how come you always dress 
                         like you're doing your laundry?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I guess 'cause my parents keep telling 
                         me to be more ladylike.  As though!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I've been there. My folks were always 
                         on me to groom myself and wear underpants. 
                         What am I, the Pope?
 
               
               [Amy laughs.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah, and if you were the Pope they'd 
                         be all, "Straighten your Pope hat," 
                         and, "Put on your good vestments".  
                         You know, Fry, its nice to find someone 
                         I can talk to about stuff, and junk.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, it's like we feel the same way 
                         about junk and stuff, or, whatever.
 
                         
               
               [He smiles. She smiles back.]

               
               [Mercury Surface. Later, the sun is setting and the AAAAAAA recovery 
               truck arrives. A man gets out and sees the car hood is steamed 
               up. He laughs, rubs off the condensation and peers inside. Amy 
               and Fry hold a set of cards. The man sighs with disappointment.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Amy's Car. The recovery truck tows it.]

               
                                     AMY
                         So while they're towin' us, you wanna 
                         do it?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah.

               
               [They kiss and disappear below the seats. The man laughs again.]
 
               
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning the crew are 
               gathered around the table while Hermes presents an important 
               chart to them.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Which concludes the summary of the movie 
                         I saw last night. Now, any old business? 
                          Any new business?  Anyone spend the 
                         night together? 
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yep.

               
                                     FRY
                         Kind of.

               
               [Everyone gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         What?

               
                                     HERMES
                         Oh, my God!

               
                                     AMY
                         We ran out of fuel on Mercury and one 
                         thing led to another.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         And it led there again when we got home.
 
                         
               
               [He and Amy chuckle.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Congratulations, Fry, you snagged the 
                         perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's 
                         probably got other characteristics.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender! Romance isn't about money.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg 
                         here is desperately poor and miserably 
                         lonely? Puh-lease!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         For your information, it's because he's 
                         hideous.
 
               
               [Zoidberg sighs.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Well I think Amy and Fry go together 
                         like a lime and coconut.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Do I hear wedding bells?

               
                                     FRY
                         What? No!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Really? Oh, dear.

               
               [He pats the side of his head. Zoidberg sighs.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything 
                         to end my miserable loneliness. If only 
                         I weren't so desperately poor.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait. You mean people will pay good 
                         money for romance? Hmm. I think I have 
                         a scheme so deviously clever that I--
 
                         
               
               [Courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel.]

               
                                     JUDGE
                         $500 and time served.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Stupid anti-pimping laws.  Well, pay 
                         the man!
 
               
               [He struts out. His two Hookerbots follow him.]

               
                                     HOOKERBOT
                         Bender, honey, we love you!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Shut up, baby, I know it!

               
               [Planet Express Corridor. Bender hammers a sign on a door that 
               has "Bender's Computing Dating Service. Discreet And Discrete" 
               written on it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping 
                         but you rarely have to use the phrase 
                         "upside your head".
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone 
                         come to you for romantic help?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg files his claws 
               while Hermes knocks on the supply room door.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (shouting) Fry! Amy! Put your pants 
                         back on; I need a stapler.
 
               
               [He struggles to open the locked door. Zoidberg blocks his way.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating 
                         dance the male will become enraged and 
                         maul us with his fearsome gonad.
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Supply Room.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) It's working, they think 
                         we're making out.  Wait, why aren't 
                         we making out?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         I 'unno.

               
               [They kiss and drop to the floor.]

               
               [Planet Express Corridor. Outside the lounge, Larry, Lou and 
               the saleswoman from Alien Overlord & Taylor queue to use Bender's 
               dating service.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender has set up his dating 
               service at the table and is about to interview a client.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         OK, Mister...?

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Uh, Smith! Zapp Smith. Uh, Brannigan.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Just check off the things you're looking 
                         for in a love partner.
 
               
               [He hands Zapp a sheet of paper.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Let's see ... Oh, yes!  Yes, definitely. 
                          Oh, I'd like some of that.  Mmm, I'll 
                         just have everything on the menu.
 
                         
               
               [He punches out the rest of the holes and hands it back to Bender.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now to run it through our high speed 
                         romance-a-logical data-fier.  Say hello 
                         to Miss Right!
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         (sexfully) Hello!

               
               [He rubs the paper against his chest.]

               
               [Planet Express: Supply Room. Amy and Fry finish making out. 
               Fry gasps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! We're great kissers!

               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah! Hey, later, you wanna drive out 
                         to Europa? We could have a picnic and 
                         spit watermelon seeds at Jupiter.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, yeah! I used to spit at stuff back 
                         in the 20th century. Ah, it's cool how 
                         we sort of think exactly alike, and 
                         junk.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah. Y'know, Fry, I really like hanging 
                         out with you.
 
               
               [Fry is shocked.]

               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela welds a section of the ships cargo 
               lift while Fry paces backwards and forwards.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Everything was going great. Then all 
                         of a sudden, she's talking about hanging 
                         out. Hangin out? She's getting way too 
                         serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         You'll be back to zero soon enough.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Don't you get it? She's smothering me.
 
                         
               
               [Amy walks past.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Hi.

               
                                     FRY
                         You see? You see? Now she's bothering 
                         me when I'm at work.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry--!

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm doing my job -- there's Amy. I spend 
                         a few hours selecting a candy from the 
                         machine -- there's Amy. I wake up the 
                         morning after sleeping with Amy -- there's 
                         Amy!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I think you're over reacting.

               
                                     FRY
                         Am I? (shouting) Am I? (talking) Face 
                         it, I'm a prize catch.  I mean, I'm 
                         pulling down delivery boy money.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, she's pulling down billionaire 
                         trust-fund money.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Then she wants me as a trophy husband. 
                         Leela, you gotta come to Europa with 
                         us, I can't be alone with her.
 
               
               [Amy arrives with a picnic basket.]

               
                                     AMY
                         So, ready for a secluded picnic with 
                         just you and me?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, you know who loves secluded picnics 
                         with just you and me?  Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg, scavenging through a dustbin, looks up.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Did someone say something about a free 
                         hot meal?
 
               
               [Amy's Car. The car flies past the Monolith from 2001: A Space 
               Odyssey and drives across the icy surface of Jupiter's moon while 
               Zoidberg eats the contents of the picnic basket.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Mmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday! 
                         Bird eggs, animal slices ...  ... dry 
                         woven reeds!  All gone! Can I drive?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         No. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got 
                         two tickets to the big ape fight.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Jeez, we're already planning to spend 
                         Valentine's Day together. Isn't that 
                         enough?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         OK, sure. What do you wanna do for Valentine's 
                         Day?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, so all of a sudden we're spending 
                         Valentine's Day together?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         But you just said--

               
                                     FRY
                         That's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg, 
                         you drive.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Wahoo!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Amy's Car. The car tips as they change places.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (from inside) Pardon me, excuse me.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg is at the wheel while Fry and Amy 
               are in the back.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum 
                         fastness!
 
               
               [He turns it. Amy screams.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Amy, you know how at first you like 
                         chocolate but then you start to get 
                         tired of it because it always wants 
                         to hang out with you?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Huh? You don't like chocolate?

               
                                     FRY
                         Look, could chocolate just let me finish?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Vroom vroom! And the winner of the big 
                         car race is: Hot Rod Zoidberg!
 
               
               [He mimes a crowd cheering.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Amy, what I'm trying to say is, I think 
                         maybe you and I should stop--
 
               
               [Something in the front snaps. Zoidberg has pulled the wheel 
               off.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh-oh. Here, you drive!

               
               [He offers the wheel to Fry. The car spins out of control, hitting 
               chunks of ice. It heads straight for a huge mountain of ice. 
               Fry screams and the car crashes.]
 
               
               [Europa Surface. Fry was out cold but comes to. Zoidberg looks 
               over him.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fry? Are you alright?

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! My head is killing me. What happened? 
                         Was anybody hurt?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody 
                         but you. I'm afraid your body was badly 
                         damaged in the crash.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         How badly?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's it over there.  Don't worry, 
                         I managed to keep your head alive with 
                         some quick surgery.
 
               
               [Fry moves his eyes up and down.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Where is it?

               
               [Zoidberg points.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         There.

               
               [Fry turns to his right and sees Amy's head. Zoidberg has grafted 
               his head onto her left shoulder.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Looks like we'll be spending a lot more 
                         time together, Fry!
 
               
               [Fry screams.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Zoidberg inspect 
               Fry's body. Leela tuts.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         This sort of thing always happens with 
                         office romances.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Don't worry, Fry, we'll have your body 
                         all fixed up in a few days.  Upsy daisy!
 
                         
               
               [He walks out of the room, hitting the body on the walls on the 
               way out. Fry whimpers.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, Amy, I'll try not to interfere 
                         with your life too much.
 
               
               [Amy seems to pick her nose.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Fry!

               
                                     FRY
                         Ooh, sorry. I guess I control that arm.
 
                         
               
               [He waves the arm around and hoots.]

               
                                     AMY
                         So, what was it you wanted to talk about 
                         before we crashed anyway?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, that.  Maybe we'd better talk in 
                         private. (whispering) I'll meet you 
                         in the closet.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Supply Room.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Amy, I really like you, as a friend. 
                         But I think we're spending too much 
                         time together.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         You're breaking up with me?

               
                                     FRY
                         I just think we should start seeing 
                         other people.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         But, I was really having fun.  If that's 
                         how you feel.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm sorry, but it is.

               
                                     AMY
                         Well, whatever. Hey, listen, as long 
                         as we're not seeing each other, you 
                         mind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's 
                         Day?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Huh?

               
                                     AMY
                         I mean, unless it would make you feel 
                         bad, being a third wheel.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I can get a date too. Now that 
                         I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of 
                         women!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         With my body I think you might only 
                         attract one sort of woman.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (happy) Oh! (disappointed) Oh!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender drinks from a bottle. Leela sits 
               down and plays with his "Dating Consultant" nameplate nonchalantly.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         So, how's business?

               
               [Bender opens his chest cabinet, revealing a huge pile of money. 
               He pulls out a $500 note.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore? 
                         I'm tellin' ya, losers get really desperate 
                         around Valentine's Day.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah, it's pathetic alright!  How much?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         500 bucks.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Done.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Zapp Brannigan OK?

               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
                                     BENDER
                         600.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Enter Leela who sees Fry and 
               Amy playing table tennis. Fry sees Leela.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, hey, Leela, uh, can I talk to you 
                         for a minute?  In private?
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Oh, no problem.

               
               [She puts her fingers in her ears and sings to herself in Chinese.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         This is an emergency. Amy made Valentine's 
                         plans with some goon and I'm gonna be 
                         stuck there, lonely and miserable. Will 
                         you be my date, please?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're too late, Fry. I'm sharing Valentine's 
                         Day with a very special man. He's not 
                         Zapp Brannigan or anything!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Then I have no choice but to do something 
                         so pitiful and embarrassing that I'm 
                         ashamed to tell you about it.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender's in his office.

               
                                     FRY
                         Thanks.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is still singing while Fry does 
               business with Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I got your hook-up, Fry. Now my usual 
                         fee's 500 bucks, but seeing as how it's 
                         you, I'll need it in advance.
 
               
               [Amy's Apartment. Amy dresses herself while Fry "helps".]

               
                                     AMY
                         OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Why exactly did you shave your legs 
                         anyway? Are you expecting something 
                         to happen with your Valentine's date?
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         What business is it of yours?

               
                                     FRY
                         And another thing: You're using an awful 
                         lot of make-up there.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         This is deodorant.

               
                                     FRY
                         What does it do?

               
               [The doorbell rings. Amy reaches for her dress.]

               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) C'mon in, Gary! I'll just 
                         be another 20 minutes.
 
               
                                     GARY
                         (from outside) I'll be waiting.

               
                                     FRY
                         20 minutes? You're practically ready 
                         now!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Yeah, but it's good to make them wait 
                         a little.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, God, it's true!

               
               [Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Amy, Gary and Fry sit at a table. Fry 
               eats a hamburger.]
 
               
                                     GARY
                         That dress looks great on you.

               
                                     AMY
                         (simultaneously) Thanks.

               
                                     FRY
                         (simultaneously) Thanks.  Where is she?
 
                         
               
                                     GARY
                         I must say, Amy, you're all made up, 
                         just like Fry's date. Get it?
 
               
               [Amy shakes her head.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Mm-mm.

               
                                     FRY
                         I've got a date. She'll be along any 
                         minute.
 
               
               [Enter Bender with a old woman.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry, look who I found! It's Petunia, 
                         your dream girl!
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         How's them eats?

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh--

               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Don't mind if I do.  Kids'll be hungry.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) She seems a little old 
                         for me.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         She is well-travelled. And I don't mean 
                         she travels a lot!
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Wheels fell off my house.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Now how about a rose for the lady? Five 
                         bucks a pop!
 
               
                                     GARY
                         I'll take one.

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, yeah? Well I want one too.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eight bucks.

               
                                     FRY
                         But you just said--

               
                                     BENDER
                         Demand suddenly skyrocketed, you all 
                         saw it.
 
               
               [On another table, Leela sits alone. She sighs. Bender arrives.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         Leela, meets your future husband Sal.
 
                         
               
               [Sal is wearing blue overalls and has a cigarette in his mouth. 
               He cringes.]
 
               
                                     SAL
                         Nice eyeball, eyeball.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nice ass, ass.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooh, sparks! (whispering) Buy her a 
                         rose, I guarantee she'll put out!
 
                         
               
               [Sal considers then sits down.]

               
                                     SAL
                         Eh, I'll take my chances.

               
               [Time Lapse. Bender's other clients are also there. Larry eats 
               from Hattie's fork and Zapp makes a toast with his woman who 
               has a five-o'clock shadow.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Cheers!

               
                                     "WOMAN"
                         Cheers!

               
               [Fry and Petunia don't seem to be gelling.]

               
                                     PETUNIA
                         So tell me about your prospects. You 
                         a good gambler?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, ma'am I--

               
                                     PETUNIA
                         What's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait 
                         a minute! You don't have your own body.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No, but I control this arm.

               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Slots player, huh? Sorry, but I think 
                         I can do better.
 
               
               [She gets up from the table.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait, come back, uh, darling.

               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Can't, hon. I gotta catch my bus back 
                         to Nutley. I'd kiss you goodnight but 
                         I lost my teeth pulling out a stump.
 
                         
               
               [She walks towards the exit.]

               
                                     SAL
                         So anyways, Leela, I'd love to take 
                         a whack at ya but that 10:15 to Nutley 
                         ain't goin' nowheres without yours truly 
                         behinds the wheel.
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Excuse me, did you say "10:15 to Nutley"?
 
                         
               
                                     SAL
                         Why, yes I dids.

               
               [They stare into each others eyes and passionately kiss. Leela 
               turns to Bender.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Bender! Did you just round 
                         up our dates at the bus station?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Of course not.

               
                                     SAL
                         Anybodys else for Nutley?

               
               [Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date 
               also leaves.]
 
               
                                     ZAPP
                         Baby, wait! You didn't show me your 
                         surprise.
 
               
               [Gary has his arm around Amy.]

               
                                     GARY
                         (whispering) You know what I'd like 
                         to do...?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, jeez, get a room!

               
                                     GARY
                         Maybe later.

               
               [Fry is shocked.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, I have an idea: Let's all go out 
                         for ice cream.
 
               
                                     GARY
                         Actually, I thought Amy might like to 
                         come back to my place for coffee.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         I don't really like coffee.

               
                                     GARY
                         Neither do I.

               
               [Fry is shocked again.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Ooh, I feel a little tipsy!

               
               [Fry is shocked again.]

               
                                     GARY
                         Let me pick up the check.

               
                                     FRY
                         Nooo!  That's it I'm gettin' the hell 
                         outta here.  Ooh! Ow!
 
               
               [Leela hears Fry and walks to their table just as Amy and Gary 
               are about to leave.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Why, if it isn't my favourite head on 
                         Amy's body: Fry.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, Leela!

               
                                     AMY
                         We were just on our way out.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nonsense, the evening's young. So, Gary, 
                         what do you do for a living?
 
               
                                     GARY
                         I'm a banking industry regulator.

               
               [Amy sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Really? Y'know I heard that banking 
                         industry regulations are really very 
                         simple.
 
               
                                     GARY
                         Oh, no, that's not true. You see, modern 
                         banking regulations are a product of 
                         five different regulatory traditions. 
                         Six if you wanna get technical.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, I do.

               
                                     GARY
                         It all began in 1410 when a number of 
                         noblemen convened...
 
               
               [Fry and Leela look at each other.]

               
                                     FRY (WHISPERING)
                         Thank you.

               
               [They smile.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg finishes stitching 
               Fry's head to his neck.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         There you are, good as new. Except for 
                         your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't 
                         find it after the crash.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Can I live without it?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         If you call that living.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I still don't understand why you wouldn't 
                         let me graft a laser cannon onto your 
                         chest. To crush those who disobey you. 
                          But I guess we're just two different 
                         people.
 
               
               [He and Zoidberg leave.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy. And 
                         I hope there are no hard feelings about 
                         your date, or stuff.
 
               
                                     AMY
                         It's OK, I had fun. And if I ever feel 
                         lonely I can just look over at this 
                         disfiguring scar and think of you.
 
                         
               
               [They smile. Amy leaves. Fry sighs.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, anyway, it's nice to have my own 
                         body back.
 
               
               [He yawns, stretches and pats his chest. He looks down and sighs. 
               Enter Leela and Bender.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So how's the old corpse? Everything 
                         hooked up OK?
 
               
               [Fry stands up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Seems to be. My neck's just a little 
                         tender.  Ow! Cool!  Ow! Listen, Leela. 
                         Thanks for rescuing me last night.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Anytime. I actually enjoyed hanging 
                         out with you.
 
               
               [Enter Bender, counting his profits.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yep, everything worked out great thanks 
                         to good old Bender.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on! It's not like you intentionally 
                         set us up with bad dates so we'd spend 
                         Valentine's Day together.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?

               
               [He winks and a heart wipe closes the scene but opens up again.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         No! You didn't! You just corralled a 
                         bunch of stiffs at the bus station and 
                         pocketed our money!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         True. But in the end, isn't that what 
                         Valentine's Day is really all about?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah.

               
                                     FRY
                         I guess so.  Watch the neck! Watch the 
                         neck!
 
               
               [He kicks Bender's ass and sparks start coming out of it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         My ass! My beautiful ass!

               
               [It explodes.]

               
               THE END

               
               

Put Your Head On My Shoulder



Writers :   Ken Keeler
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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