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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 212 

                                     "RAGING BENDER"

                                           By

                                      Lewis Morton

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Opening Credits. Caption: Nominated For Three Glemmys.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around 
               the table.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news, everyone. I've taught the 
                         toaster to feel love.  And Hermes returns 
                         from his vacation today.
 
               
               [Enter Hermes. There is a Brain Slug attached to his head. It 
               is a small green blob with one eye and two antennae. Hermes has 
               a glazed expression. The others seem oblivious.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) Good morning, people.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, Hermes!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hello!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Good to see you.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yo!

               
                                     BENDER
                         My man!

               
               [Hermes sits down.]

               
                                     AMY
                         So how was the Spleef Nebula?

               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) The flight had a stopover 
                         on the Brain Slug planet. Hermes liked 
                         it so much he decided to stay of his 
                         own free will.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! 
                         He's got a Brain Slug on his head!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (whispering) Shh! You're gonna get us 
                         all assimilated!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         (whispering) Just act normal and switch 
                         to a garlic shampoo.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) On to new business. Today's 
                         mission is for all of you to go to the 
                         Brain Slug planet.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What are we going to do there?

               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) Just walk around not wearing 
                         a helmet.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. 
                          (whispering) Let's ditch him and go 
                         to the movies!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, yeah!

               
               [The others agree.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         I'm seeing a movie with friends!

               
               [They get up and leave. Hermes starts droning.]

               
               [Outside Loew's Aleph-0 Plex. Some of the movies showing are 
               It Came From Planet Earth, Shaft On Africon-9 and When A Man 
               Loves A Smizmar. The gang look at some others that are advertised 
               outside. Fry points at a Galaxy Wars poster.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool, let's see this one!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nah. I'm not in the mood for a historical 
                         documentary. I've heard good things 
                         about Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
 
               
               [She points to a poster which features two smartly-dressed green 
               blobs picnicking on green grass.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Guk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are 
                         so pretentious.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we 
                         can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. 
                          It's about an upside-down world where 
                         lobster is slave to clam.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Who invited you? Let's just see All 
                         My Circuits: The Movie.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, I wanna see that.

               
               [The others agree.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Good point, Bender.

               
               [Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Refreshments. A robot with flashing zits 
               stands behind the counter.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll take a small Slurm.

               
                                     REFRESHMENT-BOT
                         For only 25 cents less, you can get 
                         a super-small.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, OK.  Oh, man!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, gimmie a large diet malt liquor 
                         and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
 
                         
               
               [The robot pumps oil onto the tub of popcorn.]

               
               [Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Auditorium. Farnsworth is sat in the front 
               row.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Down in front!

               
               [The others are sat a few rows back. An old-fashioned black and 
               white newsreel starts.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Glagnar's Human Rinds presents: This 
                         Week In The Universe.
 
               
               [The titles come on and show a biplane flying around a galaxy.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (sarcastic) Ooh, this is real futuristic!
 
                         
               
               [The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are sat at the other 
               end of the row.]
 
               
                                     CROW T. ROBOT
                         Shh! Don't talk during the movie.

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          This week in the universe: New New 
                         York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens 
                         a new tube line to alleviate rush hour 
                         traffic.  Dateline: Paramecium Homeworld. 
                         Newly-crowned Miss Universe Glady's 
                         Lennox entertains troops fighting to 
                         wipe out the human race.  Go get 'em, 
                         boys!  And in the world of Ultimate 
                         Robot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins 
                         his championship bout against Gorgeous 
                         Gonks by technical melting.
 
               
               [The Masked Unit throws the other robot to the canvas and melts 
               him using eye lasers. Bender waves his arm in the air.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Go Masked Unit!  Uh, hey, 
                         buddy! Yo!  You mind taking your head 
                         off?
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch 
                         the movie.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Just ask Flabby over here to describe 
                         it to you later.
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Sir, she is as the factory made her.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well they should have stopped making 
                         her about halfway through.
 
               
               [A "Not Suitable For Aliens From Planet M-14" restriction comes 
               up on the screen. Two three-eyed, three-legged aliens grumble 
               and leave. The opening credits roll with a Bond-esque theme and 
               titles complete with naked Fembot silhouettes and guns. Credits 
               like "Directed by Directing Unit 4", "Written by Writing Unit 
               5 and Writing Unit 12 & Joe Eszterhas" come up. A Fembot dives 
               off the end of a laser barrel.]
 
               
                                     FEMBOT
                          Whee!

               
               [A wipe opens on Calculon sitting in an office.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                          Well, that finishes this paperwork. 
                          Calculon Enterprises.
 
               
                                     MONIQUE
                          Calculon, a fight scene has broken 
                         out at the special effects warehouse. 
                         Come quickly before a fiery explosion 
                         chases someone down a hallway.
 
               
               [Two laser blasts hit a building behind her. Calculon hangs up.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                          I have no choice but to--

               
               [The scene freezes.]

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          If you want Calculon to race to the 
                         laser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri, 
                         press 1. If you want Calculon to double-check 
                         his paperwork, press 2. Enter now.
 
                         
               
               ["1. Violent Lasergun Battle" and "2. Tedious Paperwork" appear 
               on screen. Confused, Fry presses "1" on his chair.]
 
               
                                     CHAIR
                         You have pressed 2.

               
                                     FRY
                         No I didn't!

               
                                     CHAIR
                         I'm almost positive you did.

               
               [Time Lapse. Night has fallen outside. Calculon is checking his 
               paperwork.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                          Add in the carryover from form 16A, 
                         then deduct line 2B...
 
               
               [Bender kicks the back of the robot's chair.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         Pardon me, sir. But you seem to be inadvertently 
                         kicking my seat.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (mocking) "Pardon me, sir. But you seem 
                         to be bleh bleh..."
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Yes, that's the gist of what I said. 
                         Would you mind?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sure thing, pal.

               
               [He carries on kicking the chair.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         Uh, sir?

               
               [Bender flicks a kernel at the robot's head then turns around.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (fake shocked) Who threw that?!

               
                                     ROBOT
                         That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs!
 
                         
               
               [Bender laughs as the robot transforms into what a muscular robot 
               would look like if they had muscles.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, I'm boned.

               
               [The robot shoots laser beams from his eyes at Bender. Bender 
               ducks out of the way and the laser beams hit his seat. Other 
               people run, screaming as the movie jams and the lights come back 
               on.]
 
               
                                     HATTIE
                         Let's all go to the lobby!

               
               [Bender, still clutching his popcorn, runs from the robot as 
               it tramples down seats. Bender runs across the front row of seats, 
               past Farnsworth who hasn't moved, and stops when he reaches a 
               wall. He drops his popcorn. The robot's voice is much deeper.]
 
               
               
                                     ROBOT
                         I'm gonna open a pile whup-ass on you!
 
                         
               
               [He steps forward and slips on the motor oil and falls to the 
               ground. He groans and shuts down. The others gather around. Leela 
               gasps.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, do you know who that was?

               
               [She opens a panel in the front of the robot. It is the Masked 
               Unit.]
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked 
                         him out cold.
 
               
               [The others gasp and murmur.]

               
                                     MAN #2
                         I'm impressed.

               
               [Flabby puts her arms around Bender. A man wearing a brown suit 
               and a red tie with extremely bushy eyebrows pushes through the 
               crowd. His name is Abner Doubledeal.]
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate 
                         Robot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of 
                         jerks like you who pick fights in movie 
                         theatres and you're the biggest I've 
                         ever seen.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You should see me at funerals.

               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot 
                         Fighting League.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant! 
                         I'll do it.
 
               
               [The crowd cheers and waves.]

               
                                     FLABBY
                         My hero!

               
               [She kisses him. Farnsworth still hasn't moved and wipes his 
               eyes.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Aw. They don't make movies like this 
                         anymore.
 
               
               [He blows his nose.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are gathered around 
               Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot 
                         Fighter ever. Float like a floatbot, 
                         sting like an automatic stinging machine!
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot 
                         Fighter. It's the most brutal form of 
                         competition in the galaxy!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         It is?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         There are no rules. Two robots enter, 
                         one robot leaves. Then later the other 
                         robot leaves after being declared the 
                         winner.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising 
                         pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, 
                         definitely.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Crippling pain? That's not covered by 
                         my insurance fraud! Count me out.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No! You've got to do it. I don't care 
                         how suicidal it is.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff 
                         that'll kill me you're against it?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         This is more important than that marble-eating 
                         contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let 
                         me tell you a story from my childhood.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh, again with the orphanarium!

               
                                     LEELA
                         When I was growing up at the orphanarium, 
                         I got picked on a lot...
 
               
               [Flashback: A teenage Leela and some teenage boys are dressed 
               in martial arts uniforms.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (voice-over) ...My only outlet was Arcturan 
                         Kung Fu.
 
               
               [Teenage Leela takes on two guys and floors them. Her teacher, 
               a green alien called Fnog watches.]
 
               
                                     FNOG
                         Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go 
                         to Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate 
                         Keith when he regains consciousness.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         But, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks 
                         with one eye closed.
 
               
                                     FNOG
                         Perhaps. But there is more to winning 
                         than beating your opponent. You lack 
                         the will of the warrior.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What do you mean? Watch this!

               
               [She kicks Bill in the stomach.]

               
                                     BILL
                         (crying) Ow!

               
                                     FNOG
                         No girl has the will of a warrior. You 
                         have the will of a housewife or, at 
                         best, the schoolmarm.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's it. I'll take you on right now.
 
                         
               
                                     FNOG
                         Very well. But, you see, I have the 
                         will of the warrior. Therefore, the 
                         battle is already over. The winner? 
                         Me!  Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? 
                         I thought so!
 
               
               [He and the other guys laugh.]

               
               [Flashback ends.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I lost my chance to be a champion. I 
                         won't let you throw away yours.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Leela's right! I don't wanna end up 
                         a loser like her. Count me back in!
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. The table, chairs and water cooler have 
               been pushed to the window side of the room so there is an open 
               training area for Bender.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's see what you got. Touch your toes.
 
                         
               
               [Bender reaches down but struggles. His torso snaps off at his 
               waist and the top half of his body falls to the floor. He tries 
               to reach his toes but is too far away.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Still ... can't ... reach!

               
               [Montage: Leela does a flying kick and indicates for Bender to 
               try. He kicks his leg and it extends and wraps itself around 
               his neck, choking him. Next, Bender does one-armed press ups, 
               first with his left arm, then his right, and then with neither. 
               A car jack comes out of his chest and pushes him up and down. 
               He stands up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
 
                         
               
               [Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers are packed for RobotMania 
               XXVII. Leela rubs Rust-Oleum onto Bender's shoulders. The referee 
               is an alien shaped like one of Kif's species but has black and 
               white stripes running down his body.]
 
               
                                     REFEREE
                         Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome 
                         to tonight's main event. In this corner, 
                         from Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in 
                         America's heartland, Mexico: Bender! 
                          And in this corner, from and made of 
                         Parts Unknown: The Clearcutter!
 
               
               [The Clearcutter is a lumberjack robot with an axe on the end 
               of one arm and a chainsaw on another. The other Planet Express 
               staff are sat with Bender's fans.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Bender rules!

               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) I got you an official Bender 
                         hat.
 
               
               [He takes a Brain Slug out of his jacket and hands it to Fry.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow! Thanks, Hermes!  I-- Hey! Cut that 
                         out!
 
               
               [He hands it back. The fight bell rings.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You can't hit what you can't see!

               
               [The Clearcutter kicks Bender against the ropes. He bounces back 
               and the Clearcutter hits him with the axe. He throws Bender down 
               and Bender groans.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Get up, Bender. You can't quit every 
                         time you get an axe in the back.  Or 
                         a drill through your face. Now quit 
                         scratching your axe-hole and get out 
                         there.
 
               
               [Bender stands up again. The Clearcutter leans on the ropes, 
               making them tense. He then cuts through the post and is catapulted 
               towards Bender. Bender tries a flying kick. His leg wraps around 
               his neck and the Clearcutter hits his footcup. The Clearcutter 
               sparks and his head explodes, followed by the rest of his body. 
               Bender looks at the flaming wreckage.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Huh?

               
                                     REFEREE
                         And the winner is ... Bender!

               
               [He holds up his severed arm. Bender takes it and puts it back 
               in its socket. The crowd cheers.]
 
               
               [Locker Room. Doubledeal walks in with Bender. Bender has a plaster 
               over the hole in his head.]
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Nice work out there, kid.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Y'know, I think I he might be dead. 
                         I took a life!
 
               
               [He cheers. Enter the Clearcutter, all in one piece.]

               
                                     CLEARCUTTER
                         Hi, boss. Yo, dude!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, he's not dead. What's up with that?
 
                         
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         What, you didn't read the pamphlet? 
                         Ultimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid. 
                         It's rigged.  It's a secret so keep 
                         it under your head. But the most popular 
                         robot always wins.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You mean I'm not a great fighter? I 
                         just won 'cause I'm popular?
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Bingo!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Woo-hoo! I'm popular!

               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         In fact, you're more than popular; You're 
                         pure lowest common denominator.
 
               
               [Bender does a victory dance.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!

               
               [Madison Cube Garden. Another fight.]

               
                                     REFEREE
                         Presenting Bender the Offender!

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight 
                         and get my kids back.
 
               
               [The crowd cheers.]

               
                                     REFEREE
                         Versus: Billionairebot!

               
               [Billionairebot laughs in a snooty way. He wears a top hat and 
               monocle and cash is built in to his hands. The crowd boos. The 
               fight starts. Bender takes Billionairebot's watch from his pocket 
               and wraps it around him, trapping his arms. He picks up a barrel 
               from outside the ring with "Very Poor" written on it and puts 
               it over Billionairebot. The crowd cheers.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     REFEREE
                         Versus: The Foreigner!

               
               [The stereotypical Spanish robot turns to the crowd.]

               
                                     FOREIGNER
                         I'm not from here! I have my own customs! 
                         Look at my crazy passport!
 
               
               [While he isn't looking, Bender grabs him from behind and stuffs 
               the Earth flag in his mouth and kicks him out of the ring.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse.]

               
                                     REFEREE
                         Versus: The Chain Smoker!

               
               [The robot looks like a cigarette machine. The crowd boos.]
 
               
               
                                     CHAIN SMOKER
                         I love smoking. And after I win the 
                         fight I'm heading straight to your favourite 
                         restaurant.
 
               
               [He blows smoke over the crowd. Bender takes a chair out of his 
               chest cabinet and hits him with it then smokes a cigar.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela sits impatiently on the press 
               bench tapping her foot. Bender walks in wearing a furry coat 
               and with his arms around two Fembots.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot 
                         Lover.
 
               
               [The Fembots giggle.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender! You're three hours late. You 
                         can't give up on your training now after 
                         both of us worked so hard.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What do you mean, "we"?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I said "us".

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, Bender the Offender doesn't need 
                         you. Bender the Offender doesn't need 
                         anybody!
 
               
                                     FEMBOT #1
                         What about us, Mr. The Offender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well obviously I need floozies! Let's 
                         roll!
 
               
               [They walk out.]

               
               [URFL Building: Doubledeal's Office. Bender walks in with the 
               Fembots. Doubledeal is there along with Billionairebot, the Chain 
               Smoker and the Foreigner.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what 
                         do you say I fight these two bimbos 
                         in some mud?
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Actually, we've decided to go in a different 
                         direction.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What if I told your we wouldn't be fighting 
                         in the conventional sense?
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Bender, your popularity is slipping.
 
                         
               
               [He holds up a chart with a red line pointing down.]

               
                                     FOREIGNER
                         Sales of your Bender Brand French milk 
                         bath soaps are down 20%.
 
               
               [Bender takes one and sniffs it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Those morons! I said pea berry, not 
                         sandalwood!
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Damnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood, 
                         you don't belong in this league! That's 
                         why you're gonna lose next week's title 
                         match.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         But the crowd loves me.

               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Perhaps. But let's see how they feel 
                         about your new persona: The Gender Bender.
 
                         
               
               [He holds up a pink tutu with "The Gender Bender" written on 
               it.]
 
               
                                     BILLIONAIREBOT
                         You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter 
                         since Sergeant Faeces Processor.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, yeah?  Well what if I don't let 
                         the new guy win?
 
               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Then he'll just have to beat you the 
                         old-fashioned way: To death!  Melissa, 
                         send in the new kid.
 
               
               [A shutter door slides open. A huge robot, covered in spikes, 
               enters via the wall.]
 
               
                                     DESTRUCTOR
                         I am Destructor!

               
               [He laughs maniacally. Bender puts the tutu on.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (squeaky) See you at the fight.

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch with the 
               others around him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So then I said, "See you at the fight". 
                         And that's the story.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting 
                         was real, like pro wrestling. But it 
                         turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         It's one thing to win a fixed fight 
                         -- there's dignity in that. But to lose? 
                         And in this atrocity? I can't do it! 
                         Leela, you gotta train me to win.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No way! If you wouldn't take my help 
                         when you didn't need it, why should 
                         I give it to you now when you do need 
                         it?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What the hell are you talking about?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know. But I'm not helping.
 
                         
               
               [She turns on the TV. Bender the Offender is standing on top 
               of the world with the Earth flag waving behind him.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          You loved him as Bender the Offender! 
                         Now get ready to hate him as he threatens 
                         your sexuality in his new persona ... 
                         The Gender Bender!
 
               
               [The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. 
               He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding 
               a pink phone.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                          I'm a real toughie!

               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!
 
                         
               
               [The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone.
 
               
               
                                     DESTRUCTOR
                          I will destroy you!  And stop calling 
                         me!
 
               
               [The camera pans down to his feet where Master Fnog is standing.]
 
               
               
                                     FNOG
                          I am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog. 
                         My pupil will be victorious for he has 
                         the will of a warrior!
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Not Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym. 
                         I'm gonna teach you to fight like a 
                         girl!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (determined) I'll put on my tutu!

               
               [Madison Cube Garden. Thousands have turned out for the championship 
               bout where there is "no" gambling. The crowds cheer as Howard 
               Cosell's voice introduces the fight.]
 
               
                                     "COSELL"
                         Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship 
                         bout. Destructor, a robotic armoured 
                         tank whose very use at battle has been 
                         ruled a war crime versus, Gender Bender, 
                         who wears a pink tutu.  This is Rich 
                         Little imitating Howard Cosell, here 
                         at ringside with George Foreman. George, 
                         a word in edgewise?
 
               
                                     FOREMAN
                         This could be the most one-sided fight 
                         since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot 
                         tall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's 
                         not what it used to be but I think the 
                         entire Earth was destroyed.
 
               
                                     LITTLE
                         Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds 
                         tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0: 
                         A bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if 
                         he wins. Still, very few takers.
 
               
                                     FOREMAN
                         It's not-not a smart bet.

               
               [In the ring, Fnog does some last-minute training with Destructor. 
               Bender punches the pads on Hermes' hands while Leela reads through 
               the script.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         According to the script, you're supposed 
                         to prance out and tickle him with your 
                         fairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance 
                         out and kick his head off!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle!
 
                         
               
               [He throws some kicks and kicks off Hermes' Brain Slug.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Sorry, buddy. Here you go!

               
               [He puts it back on top of Hermes' head.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) Thank you. It was cold 
                         down there on the floor.
 
               
               [Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth are sat in the bleachers.]

               
                                     AMY
                         Here, Professor, I got you a programme.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading 
                         glasses.  Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely 
                         photo of you in here.
 
               
               [The bell rings and the referee's mic drops into the ring.]
 
               
               
                                     REFEREE
                         In this corner, the confused young robot 
                         with the golden curls weighing 525lbs: 
                         The Gender Bender!
 
               
               [The crowd boos.]

               
                                     ZAPP
                         Boo!

               
                                     NIXON
                         Get that hippie out of the ring!

               
                                     REFEREE
                         And in these two corners, weighing 400 
                         tons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach, 
                         Destructor!
 
               
               [Destructor bangs his knuckles together. Leela rubs Bender's 
               shoulders and Fnog arrives.]
 
               
                                     FNOG
                         So, we meet again. Most amusing: Girl 
                         who acts like fighter training fighter 
                         who acts like girl.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Keep laughing, Fnog!  Ready, Bender?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I was born ready! Gimmie the bell!  
                         Did you hear a noise?  Final boarding 
                         call for flight 406, non-stop service 
                         to pain.  Now boarding standby passengers--
 
                         
               
               [Destructor punches him in the head, knocking him flat against 
               the floor. He tries to crawl away but Destructor grabs his legs 
               and hits him against the floor. The crowd cheers.]
 
               
                                     FOREMAN
                         This seems like as good a time as any 
                         time to bring up my new grill for no 
                         reason.  With its patented design, the 
                         fat drains directly into my mouth.
 
                         
               
               [Destructor carries on killing Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (weakly) Fry! Throw in the towel!  For 
                         God's sakes, Fry!
 
               
               [Fry turns around. There is a Brain Slug on his head. He drones.]
 
               
               
                                     HERMES
                         (monotonous) That's exactly what I was 
                         thinking.
 
               
               [Destructor stands Bender on his feet and punches him in slow-motion 
                la Raging Bull.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (weakly) Mommy!

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off. 
                         Fnog?  Hmm.
 
               
               [Destructor stamps on Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Why won't anyone help me?

               
               [Leela follows the cable under the ring. Fnog is watching Destructor 
               on a screen and is controlling him with a VR suit.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         So, once more we meet again.

               
                                     FNOG
                         Huh?

               
                                     LEELA
                         You didn't train Destructor. You're 
                         just controlling him like a puppet. 
                         I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's 
                         low!
 
               
                                     FNOG
                         Better than being a girl. Like you. 
                         You're a girl!
 
               
               [He laughs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (ironic) Oh, right. Girls lack the will 
                         of the warrior!
 
               
               [She kicks him about. In the ring, Destructor starts mimicking 
               Fnog's moves, holding his arms up to defend himself from no one. 
               Bender gets up.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Huh? It's bendering time!  Take this. 
                         And this!
 
               
                                     FNOG
                         You were an excellent student.  Too 
                         bad I was a lousy teacher!
 
               
               [He fights back. Destructor copies and beats up Bender some more.
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         I think you misunderstood the concept 
                         of "bendering time"!
 
               
               [Fnog has Leela on the floor.]

               
                                     FNOG
                         See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy 
                         hell -- much nicer!
 
               
               [He punches. Leela grabs his wrist and stops Destructor's punch. 
               She looks at the screen and slams Fnog's fist into the ground. 
               Destructor's fist comes through the canvas and knocks him out.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yes!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes!  Oh!

               
               [The referee counts him out and the bell dings.]

               
                                     REFEREE
                         And the winner is Destructor!

               
               [The crowd cheers.]

               
                                     LITTLE
                         I've not seen a spectacle of this nature 
                         in all my years impersonating a sportscaster.
 
                         
               
                                     FOREMAN
                         It sure was some fight. Interesting 
                         side note: As a head without a body, 
                         I envy the dead.
 
               
                                     LITTLE
                         No argument here.

               
               [Time Lapse. The bleachers have cleared. The Planet Express staff 
               crowd around Bender who has been flattened.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender? How did the fight go? I heard 
                         somebody got flattened!
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Fry, where's your Brain Slug?

               
               [Farnsworth picks up the limp alien from the floor.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Poor little guy starved to death.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you 
                         lost. You lost bad. But the important 
                         thing is I beat up someone who hurt 
                         my feelings in high school.
 
               
               [She chuckles.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm in tremendous pain here.

               
               [Doubledeal pushes through.]

               
                                     DOUBLEDEAL
                         Great job, kid. You lost and you made 
                         it look almost half real. I want you 
                         to have this card good for 10% off at 
                         Bed Bath & Beyond.
 
               
               [He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet and leaves.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest!
 
                         
               
               [He groans. Leela rolls him up and she and Fry carry him off.]
 
               
               
                                     LITTLE
                         And so ends the chronicle of one of 
                         the greatest ever to play the sport.
 
                         
               
                                     FOREMAN
                         And he didn't look half bad in the tutu.
 
                         
               
                                     LITTLE
                         That he did surely not.

               
                                     FOREMAN
                         What?

               
               THE END

               
               

Raging Bender



Writers :   Lewis Morton
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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