Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Nominated For Three Glemmys.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around
Good news, everyone. I've taught the
toaster to feel love. And Hermes returns
from his vacation today.
[Enter Hermes. There is a Brain Slug attached to his head. It
is a small green blob with one eye and two antennae. Hermes has
a glazed expression. The others seem oblivious.]
(monotonous) Good morning, people.
Good to see you.
[Hermes sits down.]
So how was the Spleef Nebula?
(monotonous) The flight had a stopover
on the Brain Slug planet. Hermes liked
it so much he decided to stay of his
own free will.
Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second!
He's got a Brain Slug on his head!
(whispering) Shh! You're gonna get us
(whispering) Just act normal and switch
to a garlic shampoo.
(monotonous) On to new business. Today's
mission is for all of you to go to the
Brain Slug planet.
What are we going to do there?
(monotonous) Just walk around not wearing
Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say.
(whispering) Let's ditch him and go
to the movies!
[The others agree.]
I'm seeing a movie with friends!
[They get up and leave. Hermes starts droning.]
[Outside Loew's Aleph-0 Plex. Some of the movies showing are
It Came From Planet Earth, Shaft On Africon-9 and When A Man
Loves A Smizmar. The gang look at some others that are advertised
outside. Fry points at a Galaxy Wars poster.]
Cool, let's see this one!
Nah. I'm not in the mood for a historical
documentary. I've heard good things
about Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
[She points to a poster which features two smartly-dressed green
blobs picnicking on green grass.]
Guk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are
Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we
can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams.
It's about an upside-down world where
lobster is slave to clam.
Who invited you? Let's just see All
My Circuits: The Movie.
Yeah, I wanna see that.
[The others agree.]
Good point, Bender.
[Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Refreshments. A robot with flashing zits
stands behind the counter.]
I'll take a small Slurm.
For only 25 cents less, you can get
Uh, OK. Oh, man!
Hey, gimmie a large diet malt liquor
and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
[The robot pumps oil onto the tub of popcorn.]
[Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Auditorium. Farnsworth is sat in the front
Down in front!
[The others are sat a few rows back. An old-fashioned black and
white newsreel starts.]
Glagnar's Human Rinds presents: This
Week In The Universe.
[The titles come on and show a biplane flying around a galaxy.]
(sarcastic) Ooh, this is real futuristic!
[The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are sat at the other
end of the row.]
CROW T. ROBOT
Shh! Don't talk during the movie.
This week in the universe: New New
York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens
a new tube line to alleviate rush hour
traffic. Dateline: Paramecium Homeworld.
Newly-crowned Miss Universe Glady's
Lennox entertains troops fighting to
wipe out the human race. Go get 'em,
boys! And in the world of Ultimate
Robot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins
his championship bout against Gorgeous
Gonks by technical melting.
[The Masked Unit throws the other robot to the canvas and melts
him using eye lasers. Bender waves his arm in the air.]
(shouting) Go Masked Unit! Uh, hey,
buddy! Yo! You mind taking your head
I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch
Just ask Flabby over here to describe
it to you later.
Sir, she is as the factory made her.
Well they should have stopped making
her about halfway through.
[A "Not Suitable For Aliens From Planet M-14" restriction comes
up on the screen. Two three-eyed, three-legged aliens grumble
and leave. The opening credits roll with a Bond-esque theme and
titles complete with naked Fembot silhouettes and guns. Credits
like "Directed by Directing Unit 4", "Written by Writing Unit
5 and Writing Unit 12 & Joe Eszterhas" come up. A Fembot dives
off the end of a laser barrel.]
[A wipe opens on Calculon sitting in an office.]
Well, that finishes this paperwork.
Calculon, a fight scene has broken
out at the special effects warehouse.
Come quickly before a fiery explosion
chases someone down a hallway.
[Two laser blasts hit a building behind her. Calculon hangs up.]
I have no choice but to--
[The scene freezes.]
If you want Calculon to race to the
laser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri,
press 1. If you want Calculon to double-check
his paperwork, press 2. Enter now.
["1. Violent Lasergun Battle" and "2. Tedious Paperwork" appear
on screen. Confused, Fry presses "1" on his chair.]
You have pressed 2.
No I didn't!
I'm almost positive you did.
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen outside. Calculon is checking his
Add in the carryover from form 16A,
then deduct line 2B...
[Bender kicks the back of the robot's chair.]
Pardon me, sir. But you seem to be inadvertently
kicking my seat.
(mocking) "Pardon me, sir. But you seem
to be bleh bleh..."
Yes, that's the gist of what I said.
Would you mind?
Sure thing, pal.
[He carries on kicking the chair.]
[Bender flicks a kernel at the robot's head then turns around.]
(fake shocked) Who threw that?!
That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs!
[Bender laughs as the robot transforms into what a muscular robot
would look like if they had muscles.]
Oh, I'm boned.
[The robot shoots laser beams from his eyes at Bender. Bender
ducks out of the way and the laser beams hit his seat. Other
people run, screaming as the movie jams and the lights come back
Let's all go to the lobby!
[Bender, still clutching his popcorn, runs from the robot as
it tramples down seats. Bender runs across the front row of seats,
past Farnsworth who hasn't moved, and stops when he reaches a
wall. He drops his popcorn. The robot's voice is much deeper.]
I'm gonna open a pile whup-ass on you!
[He steps forward and slips on the motor oil and falls to the
ground. He groans and shuts down. The others gather around. Leela
Bender, do you know who that was?
[She opens a panel in the front of the robot. It is the Masked
Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked
him out cold.
[The others gasp and murmur.]
[Flabby puts her arms around Bender. A man wearing a brown suit
and a red tie with extremely bushy eyebrows pushes through the
crowd. His name is Abner Doubledeal.]
Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate
Robot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of
jerks like you who pick fights in movie
theatres and you're the biggest I've
You should see me at funerals.
Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot
Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant!
I'll do it.
[The crowd cheers and waves.]
[She kisses him. Farnsworth still hasn't moved and wipes his
Aw. They don't make movies like this
[He blows his nose.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are gathered around
I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot
Fighter ever. Float like a floatbot,
sting like an automatic stinging machine!
Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot
Fighter. It's the most brutal form of
competition in the galaxy!
There are no rules. Two robots enter,
one robot leaves. Then later the other
robot leaves after being declared the
Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising
pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes,
Crippling pain? That's not covered by
my insurance fraud! Count me out.
No! You've got to do it. I don't care
how suicidal it is.
Hey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff
that'll kill me you're against it?
This is more important than that marble-eating
contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let
me tell you a story from my childhood.
Oh, again with the orphanarium!
When I was growing up at the orphanarium,
I got picked on a lot...
[Flashback: A teenage Leela and some teenage boys are dressed
in martial arts uniforms.]
(voice-over) ...My only outlet was Arcturan
[Teenage Leela takes on two guys and floors them. Her teacher,
a green alien called Fnog watches.]
Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go
to Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate
Keith when he regains consciousness.
But, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks
with one eye closed.
Perhaps. But there is more to winning
than beating your opponent. You lack
the will of the warrior.
What do you mean? Watch this!
[She kicks Bill in the stomach.]
No girl has the will of a warrior. You
have the will of a housewife or, at
best, the schoolmarm.
That's it. I'll take you on right now.
Very well. But, you see, I have the
will of the warrior. Therefore, the
battle is already over. The winner?
Me! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough?
I thought so!
[He and the other guys laugh.]
I lost my chance to be a champion. I
won't let you throw away yours.
Leela's right! I don't wanna end up
a loser like her. Count me back in!
[Planet Express: Lounge. The table, chairs and water cooler have
been pushed to the window side of the room so there is an open
training area for Bender.]
Let's see what you got. Touch your toes.
[Bender reaches down but struggles. His torso snaps off at his
waist and the top half of his body falls to the floor. He tries
to reach his toes but is too far away.]
Still ... can't ... reach!
[Montage: Leela does a flying kick and indicates for Bender to
try. He kicks his leg and it extends and wraps itself around
his neck, choking him. Next, Bender does one-armed press ups,
first with his left arm, then his right, and then with neither.
A car jack comes out of his chest and pushes him up and down.
He stands up.]
Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
[Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers are packed for RobotMania
XXVII. Leela rubs Rust-Oleum onto Bender's shoulders. The referee
is an alien shaped like one of Kif's species but has black and
white stripes running down his body.]
Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome
to tonight's main event. In this corner,
from Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in
America's heartland, Mexico: Bender!
And in this corner, from and made of
Parts Unknown: The Clearcutter!
[The Clearcutter is a lumberjack robot with an axe on the end
of one arm and a chainsaw on another. The other Planet Express
staff are sat with Bender's fans.]
(shouting) Bender rules!
(monotonous) I got you an official Bender
[He takes a Brain Slug out of his jacket and hands it to Fry.]
Wow! Thanks, Hermes! I-- Hey! Cut that
[He hands it back. The fight bell rings.]
You can't hit what you can't see!
[The Clearcutter kicks Bender against the ropes. He bounces back
and the Clearcutter hits him with the axe. He throws Bender down
and Bender groans.]
Get up, Bender. You can't quit every
time you get an axe in the back. Or
a drill through your face. Now quit
scratching your axe-hole and get out
[Bender stands up again. The Clearcutter leans on the ropes,
making them tense. He then cuts through the post and is catapulted
towards Bender. Bender tries a flying kick. His leg wraps around
his neck and the Clearcutter hits his footcup. The Clearcutter
sparks and his head explodes, followed by the rest of his body.
Bender looks at the flaming wreckage.]
And the winner is ... Bender!
[He holds up his severed arm. Bender takes it and puts it back
in its socket. The crowd cheers.]
[Locker Room. Doubledeal walks in with Bender. Bender has a plaster
over the hole in his head.]
Nice work out there, kid.
Y'know, I think I he might be dead.
I took a life!
[He cheers. Enter the Clearcutter, all in one piece.]
Hi, boss. Yo, dude!
Hey, he's not dead. What's up with that?
What, you didn't read the pamphlet?
Ultimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid.
It's rigged. It's a secret so keep
it under your head. But the most popular
robot always wins.
You mean I'm not a great fighter? I
just won 'cause I'm popular?
Woo-hoo! I'm popular!
In fact, you're more than popular; You're
pure lowest common denominator.
[Bender does a victory dance.]
Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!
[Madison Cube Garden. Another fight.]
Presenting Bender the Offender!
I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight
and get my kids back.
[The crowd cheers.]
[Billionairebot laughs in a snooty way. He wears a top hat and
monocle and cash is built in to his hands. The crowd boos. The
fight starts. Bender takes Billionairebot's watch from his pocket
and wraps it around him, trapping his arms. He picks up a barrel
from outside the ring with "Very Poor" written on it and puts
it over Billionairebot. The crowd cheers.]
Versus: The Foreigner!
[The stereotypical Spanish robot turns to the crowd.]
I'm not from here! I have my own customs!
Look at my crazy passport!
[While he isn't looking, Bender grabs him from behind and stuffs
the Earth flag in his mouth and kicks him out of the ring.]
Versus: The Chain Smoker!
[The robot looks like a cigarette machine. The crowd boos.]
I love smoking. And after I win the
fight I'm heading straight to your favourite
[He blows smoke over the crowd. Bender takes a chair out of his
chest cabinet and hits him with it then smokes a cigar.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela sits impatiently on the press
bench tapping her foot. Bender walks in wearing a furry coat
and with his arms around two Fembots.]
You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot
[The Fembots giggle.]
Bender! You're three hours late. You
can't give up on your training now after
both of us worked so hard.
What do you mean, "we"?
I said "us".
Hey, Bender the Offender doesn't need
you. Bender the Offender doesn't need
What about us, Mr. The Offender?
Well obviously I need floozies! Let's
[They walk out.]
[URFL Building: Doubledeal's Office. Bender walks in with the
Fembots. Doubledeal is there along with Billionairebot, the Chain
Smoker and the Foreigner.]
Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what
do you say I fight these two bimbos
in some mud?
Actually, we've decided to go in a different
What if I told your we wouldn't be fighting
in the conventional sense?
Bender, your popularity is slipping.
[He holds up a chart with a red line pointing down.]
Sales of your Bender Brand French milk
bath soaps are down 20%.
[Bender takes one and sniffs it.]
Those morons! I said pea berry, not
Damnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood,
you don't belong in this league! That's
why you're gonna lose next week's title
But the crowd loves me.
Perhaps. But let's see how they feel
about your new persona: The Gender Bender.
[He holds up a pink tutu with "The Gender Bender" written on
You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter
since Sergeant Faeces Processor.
Oh, yeah? Well what if I don't let
the new guy win?
Then he'll just have to beat you the
old-fashioned way: To death! Melissa,
send in the new kid.
[A shutter door slides open. A huge robot, covered in spikes,
enters via the wall.]
I am Destructor!
[He laughs maniacally. Bender puts the tutu on.]
(squeaky) See you at the fight.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch with the
others around him.]
So then I said, "See you at the fight".
And that's the story.
Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting
was real, like pro wrestling. But it
turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
It's one thing to win a fixed fight
-- there's dignity in that. But to lose?
And in this atrocity? I can't do it!
Leela, you gotta train me to win.
No way! If you wouldn't take my help
when you didn't need it, why should
I give it to you now when you do need
What the hell are you talking about?
I don't know. But I'm not helping.
[She turns on the TV. Bender the Offender is standing on top
of the world with the Earth flag waving behind him.]
You loved him as Bender the Offender!
Now get ready to hate him as he threatens
your sexuality in his new persona ...
The Gender Bender!
[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig.
He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding
a pink phone.]
I'm a real toughie!
Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!
[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone.
I will destroy you! And stop calling
[The camera pans down to his feet where Master Fnog is standing.]
I am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog.
My pupil will be victorious for he has
the will of a warrior!
Not Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym.
I'm gonna teach you to fight like a
(determined) I'll put on my tutu!
[Madison Cube Garden. Thousands have turned out for the championship
bout where there is "no" gambling. The crowds cheer as Howard
Cosell's voice introduces the fight.]
Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship
bout. Destructor, a robotic armoured
tank whose very use at battle has been
ruled a war crime versus, Gender Bender,
who wears a pink tutu. This is Rich
Little imitating Howard Cosell, here
at ringside with George Foreman. George,
a word in edgewise?
This could be the most one-sided fight
since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot
tall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's
not what it used to be but I think the
entire Earth was destroyed.
Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds
tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0:
A bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if
he wins. Still, very few takers.
It's not-not a smart bet.
[In the ring, Fnog does some last-minute training with Destructor.
Bender punches the pads on Hermes' hands while Leela reads through
According to the script, you're supposed
to prance out and tickle him with your
fairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance
out and kick his head off!
Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle!
[He throws some kicks and kicks off Hermes' Brain Slug.]
Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
Sorry, buddy. Here you go!
[He puts it back on top of Hermes' head.]
(monotonous) Thank you. It was cold
down there on the floor.
[Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth are sat in the bleachers.]
Here, Professor, I got you a programme.
Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading
glasses. Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely
photo of you in here.
[The bell rings and the referee's mic drops into the ring.]
In this corner, the confused young robot
with the golden curls weighing 525lbs:
The Gender Bender!
[The crowd boos.]
Get that hippie out of the ring!
And in these two corners, weighing 400
tons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach,
[Destructor bangs his knuckles together. Leela rubs Bender's
shoulders and Fnog arrives.]
So, we meet again. Most amusing: Girl
who acts like fighter training fighter
who acts like girl.
Keep laughing, Fnog! Ready, Bender?
I was born ready! Gimmie the bell!
Did you hear a noise? Final boarding
call for flight 406, non-stop service
to pain. Now boarding standby passengers--
[Destructor punches him in the head, knocking him flat against
the floor. He tries to crawl away but Destructor grabs his legs
and hits him against the floor. The crowd cheers.]
This seems like as good a time as any
time to bring up my new grill for no
reason. With its patented design, the
fat drains directly into my mouth.
[Destructor carries on killing Bender.]
(weakly) Fry! Throw in the towel! For
God's sakes, Fry!
[Fry turns around. There is a Brain Slug on his head. He drones.]
(monotonous) That's exactly what I was
[Destructor stands Bender on his feet and punches him in slow-motion
à la Raging Bull.]
OK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off.
[Destructor stamps on Bender.]
Why won't anyone help me?
[Leela follows the cable under the ring. Fnog is watching Destructor
on a screen and is controlling him with a VR suit.]
So, once more we meet again.
You didn't train Destructor. You're
just controlling him like a puppet.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's
Better than being a girl. Like you.
You're a girl!
(ironic) Oh, right. Girls lack the will
of the warrior!
[She kicks him about. In the ring, Destructor starts mimicking
Fnog's moves, holding his arms up to defend himself from no one.
Bender gets up.]
Huh? It's bendering time! Take this.
You were an excellent student. Too
bad I was a lousy teacher!
[He fights back. Destructor copies and beats up Bender some more.
I think you misunderstood the concept
of "bendering time"!
[Fnog has Leela on the floor.]
See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy
hell -- much nicer!
[He punches. Leela grabs his wrist and stops Destructor's punch.
She looks at the screen and slams Fnog's fist into the ground.
Destructor's fist comes through the canvas and knocks him out.]
[The referee counts him out and the bell dings.]
And the winner is Destructor!
[The crowd cheers.]
I've not seen a spectacle of this nature
in all my years impersonating a sportscaster.
It sure was some fight. Interesting
side note: As a head without a body,
I envy the dead.
No argument here.
[Time Lapse. The bleachers have cleared. The Planet Express staff
crowd around Bender who has been flattened.]
Bender? How did the fight go? I heard
somebody got flattened!
Fry, where's your Brain Slug?
[Farnsworth picks up the limp alien from the floor.]
Poor little guy starved to death.
I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you
lost. You lost bad. But the important
thing is I beat up someone who hurt
my feelings in high school.
I'm in tremendous pain here.
[Doubledeal pushes through.]
Great job, kid. You lost and you made
it look almost half real. I want you
to have this card good for 10% off at
Bed Bath & Beyond.
[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet and leaves.]
Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest!
[He groans. Leela rolls him up and she and Fry carry him off.]
And so ends the chronicle of one of
the greatest ever to play the sport.
And he didn't look half bad in the tutu.
That he did surely not.