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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 401

                                 "ROSWELL THAT ENDS WELL"

                                           By

                                    J. Stewart Burns

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Fun For The Whole Family Except Grandma 
               And Grandpa.]
 
               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards a star and stops a short 
               distance from it. Bender, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on the 
               couch. Fry and Zoidberg stand at either side.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I've never seen a supernova blow up. 
                         But if it's anything like my old Chevy 
                         Nova, it'll light up the night sky!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, anyone who misses this will regret 
                         it for the rest of his life! Hey Fry 
                         could you go make some popcorn?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         OK.

               
               [He leaves.]

               
               [Ship's Galley. Fry picks up some Iffy Pop and tears the top 
               off.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Let's go microwave, I'm in a hurry here! 
                          Hm?  Hey, what smells like blue?
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry get up here it's starting!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Focus!

               
               [Leela twizzles his glasses and he smiles, satisfied. The star 
               explodes and a wave of red starts to move out from it. It hits 
               the ship and the cockpit is engulfed with red. The crew gasp 
               in horror. The red reaches the consoles.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aw no!

               
               [The consoles fizzle and crackle. The blue from the galley enters 
               the cockpit and moves towards the red. The crew scream more. 
               Enter Fry from the galley hatch.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, which crazy thing happening are 
                         you guys screaming about?
 
               
               [The blue and red meet and they fizzle and discharge energy. 
               The ship shakes and disappears in a flash. They have entered 
               a timehole. The ship shakes. Fry hangs onto the couch. The clock 
               rapidly moves backwards from September 21st 3002. The ship passes 
               hundreds of different types of clocks. The timehole opens again 
               and ship emerges, the crew dazed and disorientated.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oooh my head is spinning.

               
               [The microwave dings.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ooo my popcorn's done!

               
               [Cut to: Ship's Galley. Fry opens the microwave and is disappointed. 
               He doesn't have popcorn, instead he has an entire corn on the 
               cob.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aw, it's less popped than ever.

               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't know what happened but we've 
                         taken on a lot of clocks.  Let's get 
                         back home.
 
               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards Earth.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why is there so little traffic around 
                         Earth?
 
               
               [The Professor looks at a screen.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And what's this layer of ozone? That's 
                         never been there before.
 
               
               [On the screen Warning is displayed and a klaxon sounds. Zoidberg 
               holds his claws to his ears.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Such noises!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh no! There's no global positioning 
                         signal! Navigation is failing!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We're gonna crash!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Not if I can help it!  Oh, I guess I 
                         can't. Everyone put on your seatbelts.
 
                         
               
               [Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg sit down and belt up. Leela puts 
               hers on.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah those things cost more lives than 
                         they save.
 
               
               [The ship loses altitude fast and comes down in a desert area. 
               It crashes into an outcrop of rocks. Bender flies through the 
               windscreen and off into the distance.]
 
               
               [Desert. The crew look around at the pieces of scattered Bender. 
               Fry talks to Bender's severed head.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender, are you OK?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I dunno. I'll try to move my feet.
 
                         
               
               [He tries and he succeeds. But his feet are quite a way away 
               from him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, here's the plan. Zoidberg, 
                         pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take 
                         five.
 
               
               [They all head back to the ship. Zoidberg starts recovering Bender.He 
               uses Bender's arm as a picky up thing and puts the bits in his 
               chest cabinet.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Many hours have passed and it is now night. A wolf 
               howls and Zoidberg finishes picking up bits of Bender.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And Zoidberg picks up another piece, 
                         the crowd goes wild!!
 
               
               [He mimes his crowd screaming. Car headlights shine in his eyes. 
               [Zoidberg shields his eyes and looks.] What is?
 
               
               [Cut to: Airbase Hangar. A table covered by a sheet is all that 
               is in the building. Two men approach it.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         General in all my years of covering 
                         top secret discoveries with sheets I've 
                         never dramatically revealed anything 
                         as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dunnn! 
                         The debris from an alien spaceship!
 
                         
               
               [He dramatically pulls the sheet away revealing bits of Bender 
               on the table. The General picks up Bender's arm.]
 
               
                                     GENERAL
                         Son I think I can safely say (shouting) 
                         whoaaaa!
 
               
                                     MAN
                         As you can see, 1947 is going to be 
                         an eventful year for the town of...Roswell, 
                         New Mexico!
 
               
               [Desert. Men in radiation suits are scaning the area with metal 
               detectors. Another two read the radiation on Bender's arm with 
               a Geiger-Müller counter. The arm steals a wallet from one of 
               the men's pockets. Behind them the ship is still stuck on the 
               rocky outcrop.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth, Fry and Bender's head look 
               at a console.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Remarkable! According the high precision 
                         digital chronograph it's July 9th 1947. 
                         Which would explain why the chronograph 
                         has turned into this pin-up calendar.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait a second. You mean we travelled 
                         through time?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Doy! Some idiot must have put metal 
                         in the microwave...
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yo!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         ...and the microwave's radiation combined 
                         with the gravitons and graviolis from 
                         the supernova blasted us through Time 
                         itself.
 
               
               [Enter Leela with a newspaper. She slaps it down on the console.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Have you seen today's news?

               
                                     BENDER
                         High school gym renovations on schedule? 
                         What a load!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No over here!  Flying Saucer Captured!
 
                         
               
               [Bender sees the picture - a man holds his torso.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         That's no flying saucer, that's my ass!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         My God! This mean the flying saucer 
                         that crashed in Roswell...was...us!
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         And the alien they captured was...was...
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside 
               behind some bars. He waves.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hello!

               
                                     GENERAL
                         Eurgh!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So what are you guys doing tonight? 
                         I'm up for whatever.
 
               
               [The General and the other man look at each other.]

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth and Fry look at a screen. A picture 
               of the timehole is on the screen.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Yes we tore the universe a new space-hole 
                         alright! But it's clenching shut fast. 
                         Our only hope of getting back to our 
                         own time is to go through it in oh say......exactly 
                         24 hours.
 
               
               [Leela blowtorches the steering wheel.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No problem. The ship's fixed except 
                         for the cup holder and I think I can 
                         have that operational within 10 hours.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You've got 8. But a more urgent concern 
                         is the microwave.  Without a working 
                         one we have no hope of returning to 
                         the future.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave 
                         from somewhere around here.  Meanwhile 
                         you guys sneak onto the army base and 
                         rescue Bender's body.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, and while we're on the base I'll 
                         visit my grandfather Enos! He was stationed 
                         at Roswell.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Your grandfather?  Stay away from him 
                         you dimwitted monkey. You mustn't interfere 
                         with the past. Don't do anything that 
                         affects anything, unless it turns out 
                         you were supposed to do it. In which 
                         case. for the love of God, don't not 
                         do it!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Got it.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         If for example you were to kill your 
                         grandfather, you would cease to exist!
 
                         
               
               [Fry gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         But existing is basically all I do!
 
                         
               
               [Airbase Hangar. The men look on as Zoidberg sleeps on the table.]
 
               
               
                                     GENERAL
                         What is your purpose here?

               
               [Zoidberg wakes up.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG (DROWSY)
                         Alright officer I'll move along.

               
                                     MAN
                         What the General means is, why did you 
                         come to Earth?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Not a day goes by I don't ask myself 
                         the same question.
 
               
               [Outside Airbase. Fry and Bender's head hide behind a jeep just 
               outside the base. Fry gets out a can of all purpose spray and 
               sprays onto him some boots, some trousers and a shirt.]
 
               
               [Airbase. Fry walks around the base looking around at all the 
               activity going on.]
 
               
                                     SERGEANT (SHOUTING)
                         Enos!  Private, I want that toilet bowl 
                         so clean I could eat off it! Cos I intend 
                         to!
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         Well gadzooks Sarge!

               
               [The Sergeant continues yelling.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's him! It's my grandfather Enos.
 
                         
               
                                     SERGEANT
                         ...Now prepare my lunch and place it 
                         in the latrine at twelve hundred hours!
 
                         
               
               [The Sergeant walks away and Enos slowly walks towards the kitchens. 
               A jeep slowly drives towards him on the road. Fry gasps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't 
                         exist anymore!  Are you crazy? You almost 
                         got yourself run over!
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         I did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked 
                         me onto this pile of rusty bayonets!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry! Stop interfering with history! 
                         I don't wanna have to memorise a lot 
                         of new kings when I get back!
 
               
                                     FRY (WHISPERING)
                         I had no choice. I was about to not 
                         exist. I could feel myself fading away, 
                         like Greg Kinnear.
 
               
               [Enos gets up and dusts himself off.]

               
                                     ENOS
                         Well, thanks soldier. I'm off to make 
                         Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken? 
                         It's part of the job!  Mmm! Finger licking 
                         good!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's it! This place is too dangerous. 
                         We've gotta get you out of here!  Everything's 
                         gonna be alright Dad!
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         Well gadzooks I'd better ask Sarge.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY (SHOUTING)
                         No time! Run! Run to safety!

               
               [Cut to: Bombing Range (Formerly Minefield). Fry and Enos run 
               on and dodge mines and bombs, screaming.]
 
               
               [Airbase Building. The General and the man stand behind a one 
               way mirror in a room filled with computers and things.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         This food will determine what food, 
                         if any, the alien eats.
 
               
               [Cut to: In Front Of The Mirror. Enter Zoidberg who turns around 
               and sees a table full of food.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         A buffet! Oh if only I had my wallet 
                         with me.
 
               
               [Cut to: Behind The Mirror. The man presses a button and his 
               voice is heard in the next room on an intercom.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         Um, it's free.

               
               [Zoidberg squeals with delight and gorges on the food. It splatters 
               up against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil 
               in horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and 
               licks the food off.]
 
               
                                     GENERAL
                         Get me the president.

               
               [Sears-Roebuck. In the department store Farnsworth and Leela, 
               dressed in 20th century garb, look around.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry's from around this time, I'll talk 
                         like him.
 
               
               [Cut to: Appliances. Leela walks up behind a salesman.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yo homes! We're looking for a microwave 
                         oven.
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Microwave? Never heard of that brand 
                         sweetheart.  What you want is the Deuluxe 
                         Gas Princess. This baby has four broilers, 
                         a gaserrole indicator, a fold out ironing 
                         board and down here...a foot soaking 
                         tub. Since as a woman you'll be standing 
                         in front of it all day.
 
               
               [Leela gives the man and evil and opens the oven door. It lands 
               on his knee. He screams.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh I'm sorry, now I'll ax you again: 
                         Where can we find a mi-cro-wave?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Sir you're wife's hysterical. So I'll 
                         address this to you. This oven is lightning 
                         fast. It takes only 5 hours to cook 
                         a roast.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Ooo that's good news! You know you really 
                         don't cook enough roast Leela!  Ooo. 
                          Women!
 
               
               [Street. Fry and Enos walk.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Thank God I got you off that dangerour 
                         army base!
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         You sure are the helpful type stranger! 
                         Say, you got anything to eat in that 
                         there lunchbox?  Ooo! Snack!
 
               
               [He puts them in his mouth and cringes.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey, that's my brain...

               
               [Fry puts Bender's head in a sack and Bender's words become muffled.]
 
               
               
                                     ENOS
                         Man, them crackers cut my mouth up somethin' 
                         bad! Let's stop off for a malt!
 
               
               [Joe's Malts. Fry and Enos sit at a table.]

               
                                     ENOS
                         See that waitress there?

               
                                     FRY
                         Yowza! I know what I want for dessert!
 
                         
               
                                     ENOS
                         That's my fiance! Mildred.

               
                                     FRY
                         Grandma Mildred?! Uh, no dessert, just 
                         coffee.
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         Okie doke.  And for you snuggums?

               
                                     ENOS
                         Uh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg 
                         on top.
 
               
               [Mildred kisses him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Eh she sure is pretty. You ought to 
                         marry her and father some children right 
                         away!
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         Yeah folks say that. But did you ever 
                         get the feeling you're only going with 
                         girls cos you're supposed to?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What?? Don't ever say or think that 
                         again! Please. Just concentrate on staying 
                         alive!  Fire! Look out!  Oh! You almost 
                         got neutered.
 
               
                                     ENOS
                         Well, it ain't as bad as getting killed!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         For me it is!  I'm getting you out of 
                         here!
 
               
               [He grabs Enos and they run out. Mildred watches and sighs.]
 
               
               
               [Desert. Fry drives a jeep out to the middle of nowhere and stops 
               outside a shack.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Shack.]

               
                                     FRY
                         OK, we're in the middle of nowhere, 
                         which is the safest part of nowhere. 
                         Just stay put and enjoy this calendar.
 
                         
               
               [He puts the pin-up from the ship above the fireplace. Enos flips 
               it over to a picture of a man. Fry angryily turns it back to 
               the woman.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Shack. Fry locks the door, get's in the jeep 
               and drives away.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Safe and sound! Finally I can continue 
                         to exist!
 
               
               [He drives past a sign Atomic Test In Progress.]

               
               [Cut to: Building. Three men watch and one counts down.]

               
                                     MAN
                         3. 2. 1.

               
               [The atomic bomb goes off.]

               
               [Cut to: Shack. Enos is looking at the picture of the man. He 
               looks outside the window at and approaching glow.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Shack. The atomic blast tears the shack and 
               it occupants apart.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Jeep. Fry looks in the mirror and sees the mushroom 
               cloud. He stops and looks back.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         And you are outta here!

               
               [Joe's Malts. Leela and Farnsworth look at the menu's.]

               
                                     MILDRED
                         What'll you folks have today?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I'll have the soylent green, with a 
                         slice of soylent orange and some soylent 
                         coleslaw.
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         Pardon?

               
                                     LEELA (WHISPERING)
                         It's the 20th century Professor.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh right!  I'll have a croque monsieur, 
                         the paella, two mutton pills and a stein 
                         of mead!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'll just have a small injection of 
                         femislim.
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         Uh, two chilli dogs comin' up.

               
               [She walks off.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, settle in. Without a microwave 
                         we're trapped in this time period.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible 
                         music of the big bopper, and then the 
                         terrible tragedy of his death.
 
               
               [Leela looks through the window and sees something.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait a second. There's a microwave radar 
                         dish at the army base. We could steal 
                         it!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No! That would alter history. Above 
                         all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve 
                         the past exactly as it was.
 
               
               [Enter Fry in his own clothes.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, I killed my grandfather.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Wha?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait. If you killed your grandfather 
                         then why do you stll exist?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I dunno. Maybe God loves me.

               
               [Bender laughs.]

               
               [Cut to: Phone. Mildred is talking to someone.]

               
                                     MILDRED
                         Killed? In an atomic blast? No sir, 
                         I'm afraid I don't take much solace 
                         in the fact that the implosion trigger 
                         functioned perfectly
 
               
               [She hangs up and cries. Fry comes up behind her and puts his 
               hand on her shoulder.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Aww. There there. If it makes you feel 
                         any better, his body was vapourised 
                         so there's no chance of him coming back 
                         as a zombie.
 
               
                                     MILDRED (CRYING)
                         I'm not worried about that.

               
                                     FRY
                         Then you're a braver woman than I.
 
                         
               
                                     MILDRED
                         You remind me of Enos. Would you mind 
                         walking me home?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, how far is it?

               
               [Airbase Runway. A plane lands and a crate of canned eggs is 
               unloaded. President Truman kicks it open and emerges from it.]
 
               
               
                                     GENERAL
                         Welcome to Roswell President Truman.
 
                         
               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Fellas, this visit's top secret. No 
                         one's to know about it, except the senior 
                         officers,  the scientists  and a single 
                         conspiracy nutter no one will believe.
 
                         
               
               [A man with a camera nods, laughs and takes a photo.]

               
               [Airbase Hangar. Dusk has fallen and the men enter the hangar.]
 
               
               
                                     GENERAL
                         Mr President, our men have assembled 
                         the parts of the alien ship into it's 
                         original design.
 
               
               [Bender's body is now shaped like a flying saucer. A hatch opens 
               and a beer bottle falls out. The men gasp.]
 
               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to 
                         Area 51 for study.
 
               
                                     GENERAL
                         But sir, that's where we're building 
                         the fake moon landing set.
 
               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Then we'll really have to land on the 
                         moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get 
                         off their fanny's!
 
               
               [Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him 
               with the General and other man behind him.]
 
               
                                     TRUMAN
                         If you come in peace, surrender or be 
                         destroyed. If you're here to make war, 
                         we surrender.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Both good, the important thing is I'm 
                         meeting new people.
 
               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Bushwa! Now what's your mission? Are 
                         you planning on making some sort of 
                         alien-human hybrid?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Are you coming onto me?

               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Hot crackers I take exception to that!
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG (SEXFULLY)
                         I'm not hearing a no.

               
               [Truman stand up.]

               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Nuts to this space crap! If we want 
                         information, we'll have to do us an 
                         old fashioned alien autopsy!
 
               
               [A man holds a saw up bhind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray!

               
               [Mildred's House. She pours a drink for her and Fry.]

               
                                     MILDRED (CRYING)
                         Every little thing reminds me of Enos.
 
                         
               
               [She looks at a picture of a mushroom cloud and cries more.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Aww I know how you feel. My grandfather 
                         died recently.
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         It's all so sad. At times like this, 
                         I just need someone to hold me. Mmm. 
                         You like holding me don't you?
 
               
               [Fry shakes and stands up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, you know what always cheers you 
                         up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies!
 
                         
               
                                     MILDRED
                         How 'bout these cookies sugar?

               
               [She rips her dress open. Fry jumps with shock and throws his 
               glass across the room.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even 
                         exist. But I do which proves...you can't 
                         really be my grandm -
 
               
               [Mildred kisses him and they fall onto the couch.]

               
               [Mildred's Bedroom. The next morning Fry and Mildred are in bed. 
               Fry is still asleep. Farnsworth, Leela and Bender peer through 
               the window and are disgusted.]
 
               
                                     LEELA [FROM OUTSIDE]
                         Eurgh!

               
               
               [Leela taps on the glass and Fry wakes up, drowsy.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside. Fry opens the window and pokes his head out.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What the hell have you done Fry?

               
                                     FRY
                         Relax! She can't be my grandmother! 
                         I figured it all out.
 
               
               [Cut to: Mildred's Bedroom.]

               
               
               [Fry turns around. Mildred is wearing glasses and in knitting. 
               Her voice is drier.]
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         Come back to bed deary!

               
               [Fry screams.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's impossible! I mean, if she's my 
                         grandmother, who's my grandfather?
 
                         
               
               
               [Fry screams and runs back and forth. Mildred pours some tea. 
               She is wearing a shawl.]
 
               
                                     MILDRED
                         Did you say something deary? I'm a bit 
                         hard of hearing.
 
               
               [She puts a thing to her ear and Fry scream again.]

               
               [Airbase Building. In a medical room, doctors have opened up 
               Zoidberg and are looking inside. One doctor dictates what he 
               is doing into a microphone.]
 
               
               
               [Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]

               
               
               [The doctor takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one 
               of Zoidberg's organs.]
 
               
                                     DOCTOR #2
                         Heart.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Take, I've got four of them.

               
                                     DOCTOR #1
                         Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
 
                         
               
               [He puts it in a kidney bowl.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Deviled egg?

               
               [He eats it. The doctor pulls it out again.]

               
                                     DOCTOR #1
                         The same deviled egg.

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Fry screams and blubbers in shock. Leela slaps 
               him.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Snap out of it!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Start the ship Leela. Let's just steal 
                         the damned radar dish and get back to 
                         our own time!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         But...but won't that change history?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh a lesson in not changing history 
                         from Mr I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get 
                         the hell out of here already! Screw 
                         history!
 
               
               [Desert. The ship flies towards the airbase.]

               
               [Cut to: Airbase. The torpedo hatch opens and fires a missile 
               with Roswell That Ends Well written on it and a picture of Zoidberg. 
               It hits something and explodes. Soldiers run around screaming. 
               The ship shoots at buildings, cuts through telephone wires, shoots 
               at a water tower. The conspiracy photographer holds his camera 
               up.]
 
               
                                     CONSPIRACY NUTTER
                         UFO! UFO!

               
               [The ship turns around and he takes a photo. The developed photo 
               turns into the famed picture of the Lock Ness Monster.]
 
               
               [Airbase Building. A doctor is sawing Zoidberg.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hey don't cut that! I need that to speak!
 
                         
               
               [The doctor looks at the other doctor then cuts faster. The ceiling 
               breaks open and Fry and Leela drop in with jetpacks.]
 
               
                                     DOCTOR #2
                         Oh my!

               
                                     TRUMAN
                         Sweet Roosevelt's ghost!

               
               [Leela kicks the doctor.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Heyya!  Ya!  Ya!

               
               [Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Take this Mr President, sir!

               
               [He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The President is gagging on my gas bladder! 
                         What an honour!
 
               
               [Airbase Hangar. Bender's body is still on the table in the shape 
               of a flying saucer. The wall explodes. Farnsworth, asleep, is 
               sitting in a flying chair with guns attached. He wakes up.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Huh wha? Oh right!

               
               [He moves the chair forward, pciks Bender's body up with his 
               feet and reverses.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Airbase. Tanks shoot at the ship. The cargo bay door 
               opens and the magnetic winch comes out and grabs the radar dish. 
               It rips off the roof of the building. Inside the Sergeant is 
               eating his lunch from the toilet.]
 
               
                                     SERGEANT (SHOUTING)
                         Enos!

               
                                     FRY [FROM SHIP]
                         He's dead, sorry.

               
               [The ship flies away. Planes shoot at it. The ship flies into 
               the hangar and blasts out of the roof. It quickly gains height.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Bender and Fry 
               look out of the doors and cheer. Leela appears on the screen 
               from the cockpit.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yay!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Choke on that causality!

               
                                     BENDER
                         1947 can kiss my shiny metal...

               
               [His head falls out of the door and tumbles back to Earth. He 
               screams on the way down.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Turn around. We've gotta go back for 
                         Bender!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Impossible. The supernova timehole is 
                         closing! If we don't leave now, we'll 
                         never get back to the 31st century!
 
                         
               
               [He turns the microwave dish on and it shoots a bolt of energy 
               at some popcorn. The room turns blue.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Ship.]

               
                                     FRY [FROM INSIDE]
                         Bendeeeeer!

               
               [The ship vanishes into the timehole.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg finishes taping up his 
               wound.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         There, good as new!

               
               [Leela holds up and organ.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't you need this one?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Oh no! That's my... Gotcha!

               
               [Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely 
                         right now. Trapped a thousand years 
                         in the past. Hey! Wait a second!
 
               
               [Desert. The ship lands in present day New Mexico outside the 
               ruins of the Roswell Airbase. Fry searches the area with a metal 
               detector.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Anything?

               
                                     FRY
                         No.  Wait!

               
               [Leela slams her spade into the ground and it hits Bender's head.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER [FROM GROUND]
                         Ow! Stupid junk!

               
                                     FRY
                         He's alive!  Bender. What was it like 
                         lying in that hole for a thousand years?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         I was enjoying it until you guys showed 
                         up.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well, now everything is back as it was. 
                         And if history doesn't care that out 
                         degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, 
                         then who are we to judge?
 
               
               [Leela rejoins Bender's head with his body which is still shaped 
               like a spaceship.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Amen!

               
               [He lifts off. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth walk back to 
               the ship.]
 
               
               THE END

               

Roswell That Ends Well



Writers :   J. Stewart Burns
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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