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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 101 

                                   "SPACE PILOT 3000"

                                           By

                             David X. Cohen & Matt Groening

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet

                

               [Over the caption December 31st 1999 a crude spaceship flies 
               through space, cruising over and under planets and a man speaks.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN
                         (voice-over) Space. It seems to go on 
                         and on forever. But then you get to 
                         the end and the gorilla starts throwing 
                         barrels at you.
 
               
               [A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels 
               at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes. 
               The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen. 
               The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and the man, called Fry, 
               was playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He is in 
               his mid-20s, wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two 
               distinct forks at the front. There is a little kid standing next 
               to him. The game is against the wall in a pizzeria called Panucci's 
               Pizza.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         And that's how you play the game!

               
                                     KID
                         You stink, loser!

               
               [Mr Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans 
               over the counter with a pizza box.]
 
               
                                     PANUCCI
                         Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!!
 
                         
               
               [Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out.]

               
               [New York Street. Fry cycles past people enjoying their New Millennium 
               Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Michelle, baby! Where you going?

               
                                     MICHELLE
                         It's not working out, Fry.   I put your 
                         stuff out on the sidewalk!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I hate my life I hate my life I hate 
                         my life.
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building 
               and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain 
               and steals his bike.]
 
               
                                     BIKE THIEF
                         Happy new year!

               
               [Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th 
               floor. He knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics. A sign 
               underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No one opens 
               the door so Fry goes in.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights 
               on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There 
               are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair 
               in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a 
               window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate 
               man inside. He turns around.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?! 
                         Aw, crud! I always thought at this point 
                         in my life I'd be the one making the 
                         crank calls!  Here's to another lousy 
                         millennium.
 
               
               [He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]

               
               [Cut to: Time Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown. 
               10 appears on a huge screen.]
 
               
                                     CROWD
                         Ten!

               
               [Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays 9.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Neuf!

               
               [Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on 
               it.]
 
               
                                     CROWD
                         Otto!

               
               [Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Sabaa!

               
               [Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthelon.]
 
               
               
                                     CROWD
                         Eksi!

               
               [Cut to: Great Wall Of China.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Wu!

               
               [Cut to: Taj Mahal.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Chaar!

               
               [Cut to: African Village.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Thathu!

               
               [Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays 2.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Wu!

               
               [From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         One!

               
               [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Fry unenthusiastically blows a party 
               blower and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back. 
               Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he 
               falls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the 
               desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards 
               into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically 
               sets itself for 1000 years.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What the?

               
               [He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]
 
               
               
               [Time Lapse.Days and nights and eventually years pass  la The 
               Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation 
               is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings 
               spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years 
               later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated, 
               he stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses 
               his face against a large window and stares in awe.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         My God! It's the future. My parents, 
                         my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never 
                         see any of them again. Yahoo!
 
               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: In Color.]

               
               [Cryogenics Lab. Fry is still looking out of the window. The 
               door opens and two shadows walk in.]
 
               
                                     MAN
                         (dramatically) Welcome to the world 
                         of tomorrow!
 
               
               [The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians 
               both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one is called Terry. 
               He is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other is called 
               Lou, a black haired Asian.]
 
               
                                     LOU
                         Why do you always have to say it that 
                         way?
 
               
                                     TERRY
                         Haven't you ever heard of a little thing 
                         called showmanship?  (dramatically) 
                         Come, your destiny awaits!
 
               
               [Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside 
               the Fate Assignment Officer's office.]
 
               
                                     LOU
                         Have a nice future.

               
               [The door slides open.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Cool! Just like in Star Trek!  Ow!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a 
               black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard. 
               She has purple hair held up in a ponytail.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Good afternoon, sir.  Name?

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, Fry.

               
                                     WOMAN
                         I'm Leela. Now it's New Year's Eve so 
                         I'd like to decide your fate quickly 
                         and get out of here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Can I ask you a question?

               
                                     LEELA
                         As long as it's not about my eye.

               
                                     FRY
                         Uh...

               
                                     LEELA
                         Is it about my eye?

               
                                     FRY
                         Sort of.

               
               [Leela sighs.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Just ask the question.

               
                                     FRY
                         What's with the eye?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop 
                         the subject.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool, an alien! Has your race taken 
                         over the Earth?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No, I just work here.

               
               [Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp wishes people a Happy 
               New Year 3000. Leela follows his gaze.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yep. It's December 31st 2999.

               
                                     FRY
                         My God, a million years!

               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm sure this must be very upsetting 
                         for you.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Y'know, I guess it should be but actually 
                         I'm glad. I had nothing to live for 
                         in my old life. I was broke, I had a 
                         humiliating job and I was beginning 
                         to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating 
                         on me.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, at least here you'll be treated 
                         with dignity. Now strip naked and get 
                         on the probulator.
 
               
               [Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by lots 
               of things designed to probe him. Leela puts a single lensed goggle 
               on and presses a button. Fry squeaks.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry 
               starts to get dressed.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Interesting. Your DNA test shows one 
                         living relative. He's your great great 
                         great great great great great...
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...great great great great great nephew.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         That's great! What's the little guy's 
                         name?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Professor Hubert Farnsworth.

               
               [She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is 
               an old bald man who wears thick glasses.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Eurgh!

               
               [Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a 
               computer.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the 
                         whole future. I've been given a second 
                         chance and this time I'm not going to 
                         be a total loser.  What's that?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Your permanent career assignment.

               
               [She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career: 
               Delivery Boy" is all that is written on the screen.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please! 
                         Anything else!
 
               
               [He grabs Leela's hand.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Take your hands off me! You've been 
                         assigned the job you're best at just 
                         like everyone else.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What if I refuse?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Then you'll be fired...

               
                                     FRY
                         Fine!

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...out of a cannon into the Sun!

               
                                     FRY
                         But I don't like being a delivery boy.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well that's tough! Lots of people don't 
                         like their jobs but we do them anyway. 
                          You gotta do what you gotta do! Now 
                         hold out your hand, I'm gonna implant 
                         your career chip. It'll permanently 
                         label you as a delivery boy.
 
               
               [She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Keep that thing away from me!

               
               [He gets up and runs out of the room.]

               
               [Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office 
               into another room.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges 
               the implant gun.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hold still, damnit. I don't have good 
                         depth perception!  You've got until 
                         the count of five to let me out of here. 
                         One...
 
               
               [In a flash she is frozen.]

               
                                     FRY
                         See you in a thousand years!  You owe 
                         me one.
 
               
               [New New York Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks 
               in awe at the sights around him.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whoa!

               
               [Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards 
               advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked 
               except for some strategically placed black bars. He looks up 
               and sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks 
               around a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian 
               steps in.]
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         JFK Jr. Airport.

               
               [The man is sucked up into the tube.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Cool!  Um. Cross Town Express?

               
               [The tube sucks him up and he screams as he flies through it. 
               People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken 
               across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally 
               out the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from 
               his newspaper.]
 
               
                                     MAN #2
                         Pft! Tourist!

               
               [Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the 
               road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and 
               sees a line of people outside a small grey booth.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew. 
                          Wow, a real live robot! Or is that 
                         some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Bite my shiny metal ass.

               
               [Fry looks around at the robot's ass.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It doesn't look so shiny to me.

               
                                     ROBOT
                         Shinier than yours, meatbag!

               
               [Fry steps into the phone booth. He overlooks the important sign 
               outside that differentiates it from normal phone booths. It is 
               actually a suicide booth.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a button and nothing happens. 
               The robot steps in behind him.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here. 
                         Let's try for a twofer!
 
               
               [He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again 
               and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks.]
 
               
                                     BOOTH VOICE
                         Please select mode of death: "Quick 
                         And Painless" or "Slow And Horrible".
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call.
 
                         
               
                                     BOOTH VOICE
                         You have selected: "Slow And Horrible".
 
                         
               
                                     ROBOT
                         Great choice!  Bring it on, baby!

               
               [Fry screams.]

               
               [Time Lapse. The robot is getting impatient.]

               
                                     ROBOT
                         C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the 
                         way, my name's Bender!
 
               
               [He holds out his hand.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Help! What's happening?

               
               [The sharp things lunge at them. Fry pushes Bender to the side 
               of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and 
               finally return to behind the hatch.]
 
               
                                     BOOTH VOICE
                         You are now dead. Thank you for using 
                         Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide 
                         booth since 2008.
 
               
               [Cut to: New New York Street. Fry runs out gasping.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Lousy stinking rip-off!  Well I didn't 
                         have anything else planned for today. 
                         Let's go get drunk!
 
               
               [Cryogenics Lab. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door 
               opens and she defrosts.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         ...two, three -- Hey!

               
                                     TERRY
                         (dramatically) Welcome to the world 
                         of tomorrow!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Shut up, Terry.

               
               [Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she 
               stands in front of it.]
 
               
                                     IPGEE
                         This is unacceptable, Leela. You must 
                         find this Mr. Fry and install his chip.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't 
                         want to be a delivery boy. I'd really 
                         rather not force it on him.
 
               
                                     IPGEE
                         Well that's your job, whether you like 
                         it or not and it's my job to make you 
                         do your job whether I like it or not 
                         - which I do - very much! Now get to 
                         work!  Life is good!
 
               
               [O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender are sat at the bar. Bender drinks 
               a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Why would a robot need to drink?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime 
                         I want!  So they made you a delivery 
                         boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Really? What do you do Bender?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's 
                         all I'm programmed to do.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You any good at it?

               
                                     BENDER
                         You kidding? I was a star! I could bend 
                         a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32 
                         degrees, you name it! (unsure) 31. (normal) 
                         But I couldn't go on living once I found 
                         out what the girders were for.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Suicide booths!  Well, Fry, it was a 
                         pleasure meeting you, I'm gonna go kill 
                         myself.
 
               
               [He gets up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait! You're the only friend I have!
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         You really want a robot for a friend?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, ever since I was six.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking 
                         we're robo-sexuals, so if anyone asks, 
                         you're my debugger.
 
               
               [Fry looks out the window and sees Leela.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, no, it's the Cyclops!  Don't look! 
                         Don't look!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'm not looking!

               
               [His eyes zoom in to Leela.]

               
               [Cut to: New New York Street. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man. 
               The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off. 
               Leela talks into her wrist communicator.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up.
 
                         
               
               [The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right 
               behind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         We'll be there in five minutes.

               
               [Outside Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays.
 
                         
               
               [He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him.]

               
               [Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on 
               shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the 
               middle of one of the rooms.]
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard 
                         Nimoy.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Spock? Hey! Do the thing!

               
               [He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles.]
 
               
               
                                     NIMOY
                         I don't do that anymore.

               
                                     FRY
                         This is unbelievable! What do you heads 
                         do all day?
 
               
                                     NIMOY
                         We share our wisdom with those who seek 
                         it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
 
                         
               
               [Enter a woman.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Feeding time!

               
               [She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar. 
               Nimoy eats what comes out.]
 
               
               [The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and 
               URL.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hmm.

               
               [She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf 
               in amongst other assorted heads.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install 
                         your career chip.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are 
                         you doing it?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta 
                         do!
 
               
               [Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents 
               on it.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Watch it!

               
               [Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         That's it! You just made my list!

               
               [He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ow! Stoppit! Down boy! Bad president!
 
                         
               
               [Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off.]

               
                                     SMITTY
                         Alright, buddy, step away from the head!
 
                         
               
               [Fry and Bender put their hands up.]

               
                                     URL
                         I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!
 
                         
               
               [They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Please, officers, there's no need to 
                         use force.
 
               
                                     URL
                         Let us handle this, weirdy.

               
               [He hits Bender.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from 
                         the Stupid Ages.
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         No-one makes fun of my nose.

               
               [She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in 
               a room.]
 
               
                                     URL
                         Damn!

               
                                     LEELA
                         You guys were totally out of control.
 
                         
               
                                     SMITTY
                         It's our job. We're peace officers.
 
                         
               
                                     URL
                         Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do 
                         what you gotta do.
 
               
               [Leela considers.]

               
               [Head Museum Hall Of Criminals. Bender locks the door.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, we're trapped!

               
               [Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars 
               across it.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait a second. You're a bender, right? 
                         We can get out of here if you just bend 
                         the bars.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed 
                         to bend for constructive purposes. What 
                         do I look like, a de-bender?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Who cares what you're programmed for. 
                         If someone programmed you to jump off 
                         a bridge would you do it?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I'll have to check my program...yep.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                          Open up!

               
                                     FRY
                         C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make 
                         your own decisions in life. That's what 
                         separates people and robots from animals...and 
                         animal robots.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         You're full of crap, Fry!  You make 
                         a persuasive argument, Fry.
 
               
               [He starts to bend the bars.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Come on, Bender! You can do it.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Can't...I...can't...do...it!

               
               [The bars bend and break off completely.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Yes!

               
                                     BENDER
                         You were right, Fry! From now on I'm 
                         going to bend what I want, when I want, 
                         who I want! I'm unstoppable!
 
               
               [His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without 
               any help.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I don't know how you did that.

               
               [Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the 
               window.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the 
               bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and 
               Leela reaches out through the bars.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) No, thanks.

               
               [Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a 
               drain below them with a grate over the top.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Looks like one of us will have to bend 
                         this grate.
 
               
               [He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender sighs and 
               they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and 
               bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry.]
 
               
               
               [Ruins Of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and 
               look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city 
               from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and 
               rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few 
               shafts of light, giving the place and eerie atmosphere.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Good Lord! What is this?

               
                                     BENDER
                         It's the decaying ruins of Old New York. 
                         Welcome home, pal!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry and Bender walk down an old ruined street.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Its my old neighbourhood. Man, this 
                         brings back a lot of memories.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Keep 'em to yourself, pops.

               
               [Cut to: Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink. Fry leans 
               over a wall.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is where I brought my girlfriend 
                         on our very first date.
 
               
               [Flashback. Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice.]

               
               [Flashback ends. The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters 
               inhabited by a green tentacled creature.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever 
                         knew or cared about is gone.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait! There's someone you know!

               
               [He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable 
                         enough already.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, I know it's not much consolation 
                         but I understand how you feel.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No, you don't. I've got no home, no 
                         family...
 
               
               [Bender leans in behind him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         No friends.

               
                                     FRY
                         ...My whole world is gone. You can't 
                         possibly understand what it feels like 
                         to be so alone.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I understand. I'm the only one-eyed 
                         alien on this whole planet. My parents 
                         abandoned me here as a baby and I don't 
                         even know what galaxy they were from. 
                         I know how it feels to be alone.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Look, Leela, I don't understand this 
                         world but you obviously do, so I give 
                         up. If you really think I should be 
                         a delivery boy, I'll do it.  Your chip. 
                         What are you doing?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Quitting.

               
                                     FRY
                         Why?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Because I've always wanted to. I just 
                         never realised it before I met you.
 
                         
               
               [She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on 
               top.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What is the matter with you?

               
               [Bender quickly takes his hand off.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I just wanted to be part of the moment.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, he stole my ring!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Sorry.  Well, that solves the mystery 
                         of the missing ring. This calls for 
                         a drink.
 
               
               [He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles 
               of beer...and drinks them all himself.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't wanna spoil the party but we're 
                         all job deserters now. We're unemployed 
                         and we have nowhere to go.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Correction. We're unemployed but we 
                         have a doddering old relative to mooch 
                         off of.
 
               
               [He holds up the picture of Farnsworth.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Professor Farnsworth is 
               asleep in his chair. The TV is on and Dick Clark's head presents 
               and a programme.]
 
               
                                     CLARK [ON TV]
                         Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome 
                         to a special year 3000 edition of New 
                         Year's Rockin' Eve!
 
               
               [The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth 
               wakes up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Farnsworth opens the door to 
               Fry, Bender and Leela.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Who are you?

               
                                     FRY
                         I'm your dear old Uncle Fry.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I don't have an Uncle Fry.

               
                                     BENDER
                         You do now!

               
               [He pushes Farnsworth back inside.]

               
               [Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Farnsworth and Fry are 
               hooked up to a DNA machine. It dings and a red light flashes.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely 
                         incredible!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Can we have some money?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, my, no.

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four walk in.]
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Let me show you around. That's my lab 
                         table and this is my work-stool. And 
                         over there is my intergalactic spaceship! 
                          And here's where I keep assorted lengths 
                         of wire.
 
               
               [He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the 
               hangar.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Whoa! A real live spaceship!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I designed it myself. Let me show you 
                         some of the different lengths of wire 
                         I used.
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                          Attention, job deserters! Come out 
                         with your hands up. We have you partially 
                         surrounded.
 
               
               [Leela gasps.]

               
                                     FRY
                         No!

               
               [Bender literally shits a brick.]

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Smitty holds Nixon's head in 
               a jar. The glass is cracked and taped in places.]
 
               
                                     NIXON
                         Get those bums!

               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, we're boned!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Can't we get away in the ship?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I suppose it is technically possible. 
                         Though I am already in my pyjamas.
 
                         
               
               [Fry and Leela run towards the ship and Bender carries Farnsworth 
               under his arm.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front 
               of a control panel.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'll get us out of here.

               
               [He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens 
               in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills 
               it with coffee.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Can anyone drive stick?

               
                                     LEELA
                         I can. As long as I don't have to parallel 
                         park.
 
               
               [She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes 
               down a lever.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Klaxons beep and a huge piece 
               of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire 
               hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. There are now many peace officers 
               all armed with laser rifles stationed outside. URL sees the roof 
               open.]
 
               
                                     URL
                         If they try to take off, give 'em an 
                         ass-ful of laser.
 
               
               [Smitty nods.]

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Prepare for lift-off. Ten.

               
               [Cut to: Time Square.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Nine!

               
               [Cut to: Egypt. The future pyramids now rotate in mid air.]
 
               
               
                                     CROWD
                         Amania!

               
               [Cut to: Paris.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         Seven!

               
               [Cut to: Alien Ship.]

               
                                     ALIENS
                         (in alien) Six.

               
               [Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Lou sits in an open pod and Terry raises 
               a glass.]
 
               
                                     TERRY
                         (dramatically) Five!

               
               [Cut to: Head Museum. Leonard Nimoy is wearing a party hat.]
 
               
               
                                     NIMOY
                         Four.

               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Bender and Farnsworth are sat on 
               a couch at the front of the cockpit.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Three.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Two.

               
               [He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         One!

               
                                     FRY
                         Blast-off!

               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]

               
               [Cut to: Times Square. People cheer in the new millennium and 
               fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto 
               the moon and the ship flies between the fireworks.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]

               
                                     NIXON
                         Fire! Fire!

               
               [The peace officers fire their laser gun randomly into the air.]
 
               
               
                                     SMITTY
                         I can't see nothing. Pretty though!
 
                         
               
               [The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly 
               miss it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship clears New New York airspace, 
               flies through the atmosphere and heads through the solar system. 
               Everyone cheers.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives 
                         forever.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Not necessarily. Are you three, by any 
                         chance, interested in becoming my new 
                         spaceship crew?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         New crew? W-What happened to the old 
                         crew?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Of those poor sons of -- but that's 
                         not important. The important thing is 
                         I need a new crew. Anyone interested?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've 
                         always wanted!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Thanks for the offer, Professor, but 
                         we don't have the proper career chips.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck 
                         would have it I saved the chips from 
                         my previous crew.
 
               
               [He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents 
               Of Space Wasps Stomach".]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through 
                         space fighting monsters and teaching 
                         alien women to lurve?
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         If by that you mean "transporting cargo" 
                         then yes. It's a little home business 
                         I started to fund my research.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Cool! What's my job gonna be?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         You will be responsible for ensuring 
                         that the cargo reaches its destination.
 
                         
               
               [The smile fades from Fry's face.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Exactly!

               
               [Fry thinks for a moment but doesn't seem to mind.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Alright! I'm a delivery boy!

               
               [He waves his hands in the air and the ship flies on.]

               
               THE END

               

Space Pilot 3000



Writers :   David X. Cohen  Matt Groening
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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