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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 512

                                     "SPANISH FRY"

                                           By

                                       Ron Weiner

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. A remixed version of theme tune is performed. 
               Caption: Thanks For Watching, Futurama Slave Army (in AL1).]
 
               
               
               [The Planet Express ship flies over Duraflame National Forest 
               and lands at a camping site.]
 
               
               [Forest. The entire Planet Express staff are on a company outing 
               and are hiking through the woods.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh Lord. Hiking is always such a strain 
                         on the buttocks.
 
               
               [He isn't actually walking, he is sat on a giant pair of legs 
               about 5ft high. A noise noises.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Shh! What was that sound?

               
                                     BENDER
                         It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That 
                         sounds like this.  Aww, they're so cute 
                         when they're scared!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. 
                         He's been sighted a lot in this area 
                         recently. Just last week a blind hiker 
                         felt him!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Don't tell me you actually believe in 
                         Bigfoot you blathering ninny-hammer!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing 
                         up, he was the celebrity I most identified 
                         with.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Why?

               
                                     FRY
                         'Cause he was a loner who hated the 
                         popular monsters yet longed to be one.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (sadly) I can so relate to that.

               
               [He cries and hugs Leela. She isn't impressed.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Ugh, enough emotions! This isn't a fat 
                         camp for God sake. (quietly) Though 
                         you wouldn't know it from looking.
 
                         
               
               [Campsite. The crew set up camp. Zoidberg eats something, Leela 
               and Amy set up their pop-up tent, Fry hammers his tent pegs into 
               the ground with a frying pan and Bender lazes around with his 
               arms and legs tied round a tree so it looks like he is lying 
               in a hammock.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ahh!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Bender, if you want to sleep in the 
                         tent tonight, you're welcome to join 
                         me and Hermes for a little "just friends" 
                         spooning.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. 
                          Real comfy!
 
               
               [Ranger Station. The Planet Express employees and other campers 
               are gathered in the log building. The ranger has set up a projection 
               screen at the front of the room and they all sit on rowed benches.]
 
               
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Hey I'm Ranger Park the park ranger.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         I get it!

               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Now since this area's a National Bigfoot 
                         Reserve we'll start with a short film 
                         about Bigfoot while I make a few phonecalls.
 
                         
               
               [He dims the lights and turns on the projector. "Bigfoot" appears 
               on the screen.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         That proves it!

               
               [In the movie the Clearcutter cuts down some trees.]

               
               
               [Park talks on the phone at the back of the room.]

               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         It should say "Top Quality Exercycle 
                         For Sale" and could you put "Top Quality" 
                         in bold...? You can't? OK whatever.
 
                         
               
               [In the movie someone photographs the woods.]

               
               
               [The movie ends with "The End" and "MMCMLXII - Most Rights Reserved." 
               Park hangs up.]
 
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         I-I gotta call you back.  Alright, questions?
 
                         
               
                                     SAL
                         Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
 
                         
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Technically no. But I do see him each 
                         night in my dreams and each day in the 
                         silent faces of hairy children.
 
               
               [Farnsworth stands up and shakes his fist.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me 
                         a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or 
                         shut up!
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Shut up!

               
               [Bender stands up and points out the window.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh my God its Bigfoot!

               
               [Park holds up a camera and autograph book and runs to the window.]
 
               
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Where?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh he's gone. He says you should keep 
                         wasting your life though.
 
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the 
                         county fair!
 
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         What you saw was Bigfoot the monster 
                         truck. But thanks for a great question.
 
                         
               
                                     PETUNIA
                         Ohh...

               
               [She walks out muttering. Fry puts his hand up.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Sir, if I may, why don't you set up 
                         like a billion video cameras in the 
                         woods and see if he walks by one.
 
                         
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Ah, that would be very expensive. And 
                         most people who believe in Bigfoot are 
                         broke.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey look! Bigfoot! He's back!

               
               [Park falls for it again.]

               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Where?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Up your face!  Everybody do the Bender!
 
                         
               
               [And he does.]

               
               [Campsite. Night has fallen. Leela and Amy lie on a blanket while 
               the others sit around the fire.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         The sky out here is amazing. Look at 
                         all those satellites.
 
               
               [The satellites fly around the sky like shooting stars. A Bachelor 
               Chow ad flies by along with a Drink Shiz! ad and one that reads 
               Top Quality Exercycle For Sale.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Everyone has turned in for the night.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Goodnight employess.

               
               [He disappears into his tent.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Goodnight.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Goodnight Hubert.

               
               [He and Hermes' silhouettes lie down. Amy's nude silhouette zips 
               closed her and Leela's tent. Leela's silhouette sprays her boots 
               with something. Fry pokes his head of his tent.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         You doin' alright out there buddy?
 
                         
               
               [Bender's head lights up like an insectocutor.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Better than these gnats!  That guy won't 
                         be goin' home to his kids!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Everyone is sound asleep. Bender shivers and rotates 
               his head around him like an owl. Something coos.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of 
                         boogen? Oh God I wish I was safe inside 
                         a tent.  (deep voice) Fry, Fry wake 
                         up! It's me! Bigface!
 
               
               [Cut to: Fry's Tent. Fry wakes up.]

               
               
               
               [Cut to: Campsite. Fry emerges from his tent brushing his teeth.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         Bigfoot? Bigfoot?

               
               [He runs off into the woods. Bender emerges from the rock, chuckling. 
               He crawls into Fry's tent, crawls around panting like a dog and 
               finally lies down and turns out the light.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Forest.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the 
                         others Bigfoot. I see through your monster 
                         coatings to the gentle loner inside. 
                         I bet you have a wounded racoon friend 
                         that you tenderly nurse back to health 
                         and go......and in the end they shoot 
                         you. But you teach us about things. 
                          Oh, it's a flying saucer. (shouting) 
                         Excuse me? You can't park here. The 
                         parking area's over there.  Wow nice 
                         tube!  Hey. Hey what's the big idea? 
                         Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity 
                         plate say "Probe 1"?
 
               
               [He screams as he disappears inside the ship. The pipe retracts 
               back into the ship and it heads skyward.]
 
               
               [Campsite. Morning has broken. Everyone crawls out of their tents 
               and yawn and stretch. Leela walks down the river and dunks her 
               hands in.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         There's nothing so refreshing as the 
                         clean, crisp taste of old Canadian beer!
 
                         
               
               [She pulls a bottle out of the river and downs it. Hermes juggles 
               a toilet roll in his hands.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go 
                         do some business behind that tree.
 
                         
               
               [Behind the tree Hermes attaches the toilet roll to a calculator 
               and does some business - calculations. Bender struggles inside 
               Fry's tent and finally rips it apart and stands up.]
 
               
                                     AMY
                         Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?

               
               [Bender makes mocking noises.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender raises a good point, where is 
                         Fry?
 
               
               [Cut to: Forest. Fry stumbles through the thicket with his back 
               turned  la The Blair Witch Project. A rat pokes its head out 
               of a packet of Cheez Nubs and screams.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Campsite. Fry reaches the edge of the woods and walks 
               into the campsite, still with his back turned. He sounds like 
               his nose is blocked.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Amy, you won't believe what happened......it 
                         was so scary that you wouldn't -  I 
                         know but listen it gets even scarier.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to 
                         you?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         That's what I'm trying to tell you. 
                         See -  Why are you all staring at me 
                         like that? Is there something on my 
                         face?
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         Uh...no.

               
               [Fry has no nose.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Someone should tell him.

               
                                     FRY
                         Tell me what?

               
                                     LEELA
                         Nothing.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Well I have a lot of experience telling 
                         patients bad news so, let me break it 
                         to him gently.  (shouting) Fry you have 
                         no nose! Your nose is gone! You have 
                         no nose on your face! Where it is I 
                         can't say but on your face it's not!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         What?

               
               [He pokes his face and looks at his refelction in Bender's door. 
               He screams.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Aww, I think it's sweet! You chopped 
                         off your nose so you could look more 
                         like your hero. Me, Bender!
 
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Which last night?

               
                                     FRY
                         In the woods, I was walking. For Bigfoot, 
                         looking and then aliens beamed me up.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Were they little grey dudes with big 
                         oval heads?  I don't get that gesture. 
                         Am I wrong?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Cheer up friend. When we get home a 
                         high quality prosthesis will have you 
                         looking good as new.
 
               
               [Fry smiles.]

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is sat at the table wearing 
               joke glasses, nose and moustache.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
 
                         
               
               [Hermes laughs.]

               
                                     HERMES
                         Man, you are such a jokester!

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll never have another moment of happiness.
 
                         
               
               [Everyone else falls about laughing.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         I know you're trying to mask your pain 
                         with humour but don't worry. I'm sure 
                         the Professor can clone you a new nose.
 
                         
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Well there's no sense fretting. Good 
                         Lord you're ugly! The fact is your nose 
                         is gone and we'll never find out who 
                         did it or why.
 
               
               [Enter Bender panting and gasping.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         (gasping) Guys, guys! There's something 
                         on television.
 
               
               [Spin to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew sit and stand, watching 
               a news report.]
 
               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         Alien abductions: Until now, a harmless 
                         nuisance. But recently they've taken 
                         on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting 
                         victims are returned...without noses!
 
                         
               
               [Behind her a picture of a normal man changes to a picture of 
               a man with no nose.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Like me!

               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         The culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting 
                         humans without a permit.
 
               
               [The scene on TV changes to a picture of a grey alien with a 
               gun over his shoulder. He holds a nose. Back to the studio.]
 
               
               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         The valuable nose or "human horn" fetches 
                         a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         My nose is an aphrodisiac?  I'm gonna 
                         drop a barf!
 
               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         Demand for human horn is great. Due 
                         in part to titilating scenes from depraved 
                         alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth 
                         broadcast. Let's watch.
 
               
               [The scene changes to two Neptunian lovers on a bed together. 
               The man holds up a cushion with two human horns on it. The woman 
               gasps.]
 
               
               
               
               [He grates a horn onto her shoulder and licks it off. They make 
               out. Fry turns the TV off.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Blech! We have to track down my nose 
                         before some alien snarfs it and does 
                         the worm. Who's in?
 
               
               [Leela stand up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if 
                         he feels like it.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No I'm good.

               
               [The ship flies towards the huge Galalctic Bazaar: Offering Legal 
               Items etc. It is a run down space station with things sticking 
               out of it.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Galactic Bazaar. The place is filled with aliens. The 
               trio walk past Joe Camel who tries on some shades. Fry is wearing 
               a strap on red nose. They walk past a stall where an alien buys 
               something.]
 
               
                                     ALIEN
                         Lets see, I'll have a pancreas, two 
                         sphincters and a large colon.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         It's no use. We've been to ever scuzzy 
                         bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery 
                         Barn.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wait, what's that?

               
               [She points at The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe.]

               
               [Cut to: Sex Shoppe. Enter Fry, Bender and Leela. The salesman 
               has a chameleon-like head.]
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Welcome friends. How may I pervert you?
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, I'm looking for human horn.

               
                                     SALESMAN
                         (whispering) Shh! You're not cops right?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Of course not. In fact he's a crook.
 
                         
               
               [She points at Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yep. Stolen Pez anyone?

               
               [He holds up a Calculon-head Pez thing and hands them around. 
               The salesman eats it and pulls back a curtain.]
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Right this way.

               
               [Back Room. The salesman gets something from off a high shelf 
               and unwraps it. Inside is lots of human noses.]
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         Human horn. So fresh you can still see 
                         the eyeglass marks.
 
               
               [Fry looks at the noses.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Nope, uh-uh, eww!  Now look, this is 
                         the nose we want. Did you sell it to 
                         somebody?
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         I'm sorry sir but due to the perverted 
                         nature of our business, customer records 
                         are strictly confidential.  Right this 
                         way.
 
               
               [Cut to: Back Back Room. The salesman pulls another curtain across. 
               In the room is a TV and a wall lined with video tapes.]
 
               
                                     SALESMAN
                         I video tape everyone who comes in here 
                         so I can blackmail them later.  Hey, 
                         I'm a porno dealing monster, what do 
                         I care what you think? Here's the weirdo 
                         who bought your horn.
 
               
               [He puts the tape in the machine. On the screen a familiar alien 
               walks into the Sex Shoppe badly disguised. Leela gasps.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron 
                         Persei 8!
 
               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         You got any uh, you know...

               
                                     SALESMAN [ON TV]
                         Speak up! You're muttering!

               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         I said uh... (whispering) human horn?
 
                         
               
               
                                     LRRR [ON TV]
                         Oh no no, I'm just some guy. Ruler of 
                         the planet Omicron Persei 8!
 
               
               [The dealer hands him a horn over the counter. Fry and Leela 
               nod to each other.]
 
               
               [The ship flies toward Omicron Persei 8 and lands outside the 
               castle.]
 
               
               [Omicroninan Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on thrones. Guards stand 
               either side of the trio who stand before Lrrr and Nd-Nd.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         So let me get this straight: If I buy 
                         eight caramello bars, you all get to 
                         go to some camp.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yep. That's exactly the lie we used 
                         to get past your guards.
 
               
               [Fry steps forward and bows.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh great space king. I humbly beg you 
                         to return my human horn.
 
               
               [Lrrr acts like he doesn't know what Fry is talking about.]
 
               
               
                                     LRRR
                         Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why 
                         would virile male like Lrrr need human 
                         horn? I don't even know what it's for. 
                         What is it, something you-you put in 
                         salad dressing?
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Like you've ever seen a salad.

               
                                     LRRR
                         My weight is appropriate and attractive!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Whoa, you guys have issues!

               
                                     LRRR
                         She has issues! I'm fine! But there's 
                         no human horn around here so, make friends 
                         with the door.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (sadly) Alright. I give up. I guess 
                         I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
 
                         
               
               [He cries.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         Oh let's just give it to him.  Here.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         My nose! Light of my face!

               
                                     LRRR
                         Uh, what is that? How do you have that 
                         Nd-Nd?  I've never seen it before. My 
                         friend left it here.
 
               
               [Fry takes his nose out of the box and puts it on his face.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hold still Fry. I can reattach it with 
                         my emergency face laser.
 
               
               [She presses a button on her wristamajig and a beam seams the 
               nose to Fry's face. It also burns his cheek a little.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! You burned my cheek!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah sorry I wasn't really concentrating.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         No I mean the singed flesh, I can smell 
                         it!  Those lilacs on the table.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         At least someone noticed.

               
                                     ND-ND
                         For the last time I don't like lilacs! 
                         Your first wife was the one who liked 
                         lilacs.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         She also liked to shut up!

               
                                     FRY
                         Well, great seeing you, I guess we'll 
                         be on our -
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yo, highness! Uh, just out of robo-curiosity, 
                         why would you use a guy's nose for an 
                         aphrodisiac instead of his...you know...wing 
                         dang doodle?
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         But I thought the horn was the human 
                         wing dang doodle?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         No sir-chee! The main event, so to speak, 
                         is downstairs near the wallet. Ever 
                         seen soccer players line up to block 
                         a free kick? They ain't covering their 
                         noses I'll say that much! Well, seeya!
 
                         
               
               [He starts to leave.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Interesting. The trousers conceal a 
                         tiny secondary horn.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey, what've you heard?

               
                                     LRRR
                         (shouting) Guards! Seize him!  Prepare 
                         to harvest the lower horn!
 
               
               [Fry looks around scared.]

               
                                     FRY
                         OK, you can have my nose.

               
               [He pulls it off.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Guards!

               
                                     GUARD #1
                         Yeah?

               
                                     LRRR
                         Remove the human's lower horn and prepare 
                         it to be eaten by me.
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         In other words slop a lot of ketchup 
                         and salt on it!
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Then bring it to our royal bedchamber 
                         and put it in the sock drawer with all 
                         the other things that have failed to 
                         arouse my passion for this woman.
 
                         
               
               [The second guard takes out a whizzy buzzy cutting thing. Fry 
               squeals.]
 
               
                                     GUARD #2
                         Remove pants!

               
                                     FRY
                         Wait! I'm usually the first guy to toot 
                         my own lower horn -
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) I'll say!

               
               [He hoots.]

               
                                     FRY
                         But in this case I just don't think 
                         it'll do any good.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) That's what she said!

               
               [He hoots again.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Let's face it. You two have deep relationship 
                         problems that can't be solved by an 
                         aphrodisiac.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         However huge it might be.

               
                                     ND-ND
                         So what do you suggest, painfully single 
                         human?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, why don't you think back to what 
                         brought you together in the first place?
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Ohh I don't know. Lrrr used to be so 
                         tender.
 
               
               [Lrrr groans.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr 
                         would find injured little tinkle-bunnies 
                         and nurse them back to health.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Yes but I'm the one who injured them!
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Oh shush. You stepped on them by accident 
                         and then you cried all night. That's 
                         the kind of sensitive man you used to 
                         be.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         And you used to wear a size-3 cape. 
                         (shouting) But not anymore! Now bring 
                         me that lower horn while I'm still in 
                         the mood.
 
               
               [The guard starts the whizzy thing again.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Wh-What if we helped you get your passion 
                         back without the hassle of mutilating 
                         me?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. 
                         We could take you there for a romantic 
                         dinner under the stars.
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Hmm, sounds interesting. But he would 
                         never do it.
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna 
                         be blamed for not going!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Then it's a deal. We get one night. 
                         I keep my horn as long as you two end 
                         up doing the horizontal monster mash.
 
                         
               
               [Bender hoots, laughs insanely and chuckles.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't get it!

               
               [Forest. Back at Duraflame Lrrr and Nd-Nd are seated at a table 
               at night. The trees around them have lights strung around them. 
               Enter Bender carrying a box of Monsieur Carton.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine 
                         for the edge of the table?
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         No thanks. Just water please. Tap water!
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         (sarcastic) Oh big spender!

               
                                     LRRR
                         (shouting) That's it, this date is over! 
                         Waiter!
 
               
               [The guards wheel Fry up to the table in a cage. He is dressed 
               in a snappy suit.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         So, what can I get you this evening?
 
                         
               
                                     LRRR
                         Your lower horn!

               
               [Fry squeals.]

               
                                     FRY
                         I'll just start you off with some bread. 
                         Some sexy, arousing bread!
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Fine but none of that whole-grain goat 
                         food! And bring plenty of melted butter.
 
                         
               
               [Nd-Nd groans.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         Why don't you just inject some fat straight 
                         into your ass and cut out the middle 
                         man!
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         One of these days Nd-Nd, bang, zoom, 
                         straight to the third moon of Omicron 
                         Persei 8!
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Lrrr and Nd-Nd are still eating and Fry is still 
               in his cage. A guard is sat by a tree.]
 
               
                                     LRRR [EATING]
                         Mmm, this jerked chicken is good! I 
                         think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) It's used to it!

               
               [He hoots. Fry is wheeled to the table.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So uh, how are you two sneaky poopums 
                         doing?
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Poorly.

               
                                     LRRR
                         My wife is right for once. There is 
                         very little magic in the air. Ready 
                         the lower horn transport vessel.
 
               
               [A guard pours some ice into a cooler. Fry squeals.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Boy, who knew a cooler could also make 
                         a handy wang coffin?  Hey, uh mind if 
                         I stick these in here?
 
               
                                     GUARD #1
                         Go for it.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Don't worry Fry. Things look bad but 
                         I still have a trump card. The most 
                         beautiful love song ever written.  (singing 
                         badly) And I will always love you......will 
                         always love you...
 
               
                                     ND-ND
                         The humans are attacking.

               
                                     LRRR
                         Pluck the lower horn and let's get out 
                         of here!
 
               
               [The guard starts the cutter.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Quick Fry, run for it!

               
               [He pushes Fry's cage and it rolls away, bouncing down hills 
               and through trees.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Come on freedom cage! Roll me to safety! 
                          Yes! I never thought I'd escape with 
                         my doodle, but I pulled it out!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Just like at the movie theatre!
 
                         
               
               [He hoots and Lrrr grabs Fry.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Give me that!

               
               [Fry screams. The guard starts the whizzer and the other opens 
               the cooler. Leela gasps. Something growls. Bigfoot emerges from 
               the trees.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it. The Loch 
                         Ness Monster's book was right!
 
               
               [Bigfoot stops and sniffs the Omicronians.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Well, hello there my furry friend.
 
                         
               
                                     ND-ND
                         Look at his adorable little feet.  Yes 
                         you are a cutie-pie.
 
               
               [Enter Ranger Park with his camera.]

               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Holy macaroni!  I can't believe I'm 
                         seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh I've 
                         waited my entire life for this moment!
 
                         
               
               [He pulls a gun out from behind him and points it at Bigfoot. 
               Everyone mumbles.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What are you doing with that?

               
               [Lrrr steps forward.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
 
                         
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilise 
                         him so I can chop off his feet as proof 
                         he exists. Then dump him back in the 
                         wild. He'll do fine.
 
               
               [He aims the gun. Lrrr steps in front. Nd-Nd stands at his side.]
 
               
               
                                     LRRR
                         You'll have to get through me first.
 
                         
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         OK, nighty nght.

               
               [He shoots but the tranquiliser dart bounces off Lrrr. Lrrr vapourises 
               the gun.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         Now leave this gentle sasquatch - or 
                         wood ape - in peace so I can finally 
                         and at long last harvest this pathetic 
                         human's lower horn.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Yeah!

               
               [He screams.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this 
                         beast's lower horn, am I any better 
                         than that ranger with his demented foot 
                         lust? Yes. But not by enough.
 
               
               [Park walks behind Bigfoot and cuts off a tuft of his fur.]
 
               
               
                                     RANGER PARK
                         Score!

               
               [Bigfoot scratches himself.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         This human's lower horn is one of God's 
                         creatures, a living thing. And all living 
                         things, large and small...
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) In this case "small"!

               
               [He hoots.]

               
                                     LRRR
                         ...have diginity. And a spark of divine.
 
                         
               
               [He cries.]

               
                                     ND-ND
                         That's the gentle sensitive poet warlord 
                         I fell in love with!
 
               
               [She hugs him and they both crush Fry between them. He squeezes 
               his way out. Lrrr and Nd-Nd kiss. Bender, Fry and Leela avoid 
               watching.]
 
               
                                     LRRR
                         (shouting) Uh, you'll wanna retreat 
                         to a safe, 500 metre radius!
 
               
               [They start running.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Well Fry, it looks like you get to hold 
                         onto your lower horn.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         As usual!  (shouting) Run away!

               
               [They leg it and Bigfoot stays and watches Lrrr and Nd-Nd on 
               the floor. Then he walks off into the thick forest.]
 
               
               [Closing Credits. Over the credits a deleted scene from The Birdbot 
               Of Ice-Catraz is played. It is an episode of The Scary Door. 
               The opening titles play.]
 
               
               
               [The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a 
               lab a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
 
               
               
                                     SCIENTIST [ON TV]
                         I have combined the DNA of the world's 
                         most evil animals, to make the most 
                         evil creature of them all.
 
               
               [He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door 
               in it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]
 
               
                                     MAN [ON TV]
                         It turns out it's Man.

               
               [Scary dramatic Scary Door music.]

               

Spanish Fry



Writers :   Ron Weiner
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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