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                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 308

                                "THAT'S LOBSTERTAINMENT"

                                           By

                                    Patric M. Verrone

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Deciphered From Crop Circles.]

               
               [Outside The Comedy Simulator. "Amateur Nite" is displayed in 
               lights on the building; "Amateur Valet Parking Nite" is displayed 
               on a billboard by the door. A man and a woman wait for the valet 
               to bring their car round and he promptly crashes it into a lamppost, 
               gets out and hands the man the keys.]
 
               
               [Cut to: The Comedy Simulator. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a 
               robot with a mechanical voice finish his act. Leela is wearing 
               her cryogenics officer jacket.]
 
               
                                     ROBOT
                         So I says, "Super collider? I just met 
                         her!"  And then they built the super 
                         collider. Thank you, you've been a great 
                         audience.
 
               
               [The audience applauds and the robot leaves. Florp takes the 
               mic.]
 
               
                                     FLORP
                         Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen. 
                         Our next stand-up's a veteran of four 
                         comedy traffic schools. Give it way 
                         up for Bobcat Zoidberg!
 
               
               [The audience applauds and Zoidberg wanders onto the stage.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         (cheering) Alright!

               
                                     LEELA
                         (cheering) Yeah!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (cheering) Alright, Zoidberg!

               
               [The applause dies down.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Earth. What a planet. On Earth, you 
                         enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, 
                         clams enjoy eating a tasty you.  Maybe 
                         I'm not yelling loud enough. (shouting) 
                         On Earth, everybody is always looking 
                         for a giant squid. On my planet -
 
                         
               
               [A tomato hits him in the face and he eats it. At their table, 
               Bender stresses a spoon back on its handle.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Reload.

               
               [Leela puts another tomato in and he fires. It misses Zoidberg 
               and he carries on with his act.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         So these three parasitic worms bore 
                         into a human's head...
 
               
               [The audience murmurs to each other.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Eww, gross.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         ...and they walk up to the bar and then 
                         - uh-oh.  Wait, stop! I've got more! 
                          (groaning) Oh.
 
               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning, the rest of 
               the crew listen to Zoidberg's sad story.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         My whole life I worked on that act. 
                         And they hated it.
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor. 
                         No combination of you should be a comedian.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle 
                         Harold was a big Hollywood star back 
                         in the era of silent holograms.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (awestruck) Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (dramatic) This I cannot deny.

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since 
                         back when my hips were made of bone. 
                         As it happens, I still have some of 
                         my original 78s.
 
               
               [He picks up a big 78 million RPM Holodisk, blows the dust off 
               it and puts the disc onto a gramophone-like machine. A black-and-white 
               3D picture appears in the middle of the table. The studio is 
               Metropolitan Holoplays and the title is A Close Shaving (MMCMXXII). 
               A Decapodian barber played by Harold Zoid sharpens his razor 
               blades in his shop. A man walks in and says "Your finest trim, 
               please". He takes his hat off and the barber uses his claws to 
               cut the man's moustache completely off. The man is shocked and 
               exclaims "You are a buffoon. Now cut my beard". The barber puts 
               shaving foam over the man's chin and cuts his head off. The man's 
               head bounces through the door. The barber waves the man's hat. 
               "Sir, you forgot your hat!" The film ends with the caption "The 
               End" and "Buy Moxie". The crew chuckle.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         You're right, crabby. He's a hell of 
                         a lot funnier than you could ever be.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him 
                         and asked for a few hundred pointers...
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits with Zoidberg as 
               he plans his letter.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         This letter has to be very personal, 
                         so I'm writing it in my own ink.  (writing; 
                         thinking) Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings 
                         from your long-lost nephew. Norm and 
                         Sam and Sadie's boy, remember? ...
 
                         
               
               [Fade to: Outside Final Curtain Old Actors' Home. The building 
               is a run-down heap on Hollywood and Vine.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (voice-over) ...Now I am the most important 
                         doctor at the delivery company where 
                         I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft 
                         of laughter.
 
               
               [Cut to: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home Lounge. The inside of 
               the building is as equally run-down as the outside. An old Decapodian 
               sits in a chair reading Zoidberg's letter.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         (reading) I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle, 
                         teach me the comedy business. Sincerely, 
                         Zoidberg. (talking) Oy, isn't that nice? 
                         He took the time.
 
               
               [An old woman looks over his shoulder.]

               
                                     WOMAN
                         What's that scribbldy-gook?

               
                                     ZOID
                         This is a fan letter from my rich doctor 
                         nephew who just might be my ticket out 
                         of this flophouse, he might.  Yeah, 
                         you'd better run.  (writing) Dear Rich 
                         Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny. 
                         The first funny thing you must do is 
                         put all of your money in the form of 
                         a cashier's cheque and come to Hollywood.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg reads the reply to Bender, 
               Fry and Leela.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (reading) Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. 
                         Cashier's cheque. (talking) Did you 
                         hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
 
                         
               
               [The ship flies across the California desert, through the middle 
               of the third Hollywood "O" and down to a multi-storey car park. 
               Leela sets down in a compact only space, shunting the cars either 
               side out of the way.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela puts the huge steering lock on 
               the wheel.]
 
               
               [Hollywood Street. The foursome board an open-top Star Tours 
               bus which, as the disclaimer states, does not leave Earth.]
 
               
               
                                     TOUR GUIDE
                         Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you, 
                         there's no refund if you get discovered 
                         and leave the tour!  I'm just kidding, 
                         that never happens. Now, to your right, 
                         you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios. 
                          Fox uses those searchlights to blind 
                         pilots, then film the resulting plane 
                         crashes.
 
               
               [The passengers get a demonstration as a plane crashes nearby 
               in a huge fireball. Bender takes a photo of it.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Neat!

               
                                     TOUR GUIDE
                         Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson, 
                         star of the hit film, Bravehead.  And 
                         do we have any fans of Calculon, star 
                         of the robot soap opera All My Circuits?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, I am, me!  Bender is!

               
                                     TOUR GUIDE
                         Then you'll wanna get a close look at 
                         his luxurious Bel-Air home.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yes, I will.

               
               [He jumps off the bus, lands on a car and runs through the hedge.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Outside Calculon's House. Bender rings the doorbell 
               and Calculon, wearing a personalised bathrobe, answers it.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Are you my new hot water heater?

               
                                     BENDER
                         No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Absolutely not.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Come on, don't you remember how much 
                         I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause 
                         it was a lot, you remember, right?
 
                         
               
               [Calculon pushes him away.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. 
                         Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, 
                         I'm not interested.  Have you got an 
                         extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need 
                         a bender.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Bender? That was the other guy. My name's 
                         Boiler.
 
               
               [Calculon's Bathroom. Calculon stands in the shower. Bender stands 
               behind him spraying him with water.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Nice work, Boiler.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Thanks. And call me Bender.

               
               [Hollywood Street. The tour bus passes Hugo Bott, Calvin Clone 
               and a restaurant called Ebola.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid 
                         for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams. 
                         Next time you see me, don't be surprised 
                         if I've eaten.
 
               
               [He runs off the bus and into the restaurant, wooping.]

               
               [Cut to: Ebola. He stops wooping when he sees a smartly-dressed 
               Zoid sitting at a table waiting for him.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough 
                         to be throw back!
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Rich nephew, come over here and give 
                         your uncle a nice, big meal.  So, here 
                         we are: A still-famous film comedian...
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         ...And a rich, respected doctor with 
                         many surviving patients.
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Eating real food in a restaurant, as 
                         we both often do. So, you want to be 
                         a comedian, is it?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It's my lifelong dream.

               
                                     ZOID
                         (shouting) Well that dream dies now. 
                          You're unfunny and untalented. That's 
                         why you're perfect for drama.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hmm, serious drama. Perhaps it is time 
                         to give up comedy.
 
               
               [A waiter trips and drops a plate of spaghetti bolognese on Zoidberg. 
               The other diners laugh.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         I'm putting together a big drama picture 
                         right now, as we speak. The script is 
                         dynamite. I know because I wrote it 
                         myself. And with me directing and starring, 
                         I'll be back on top after 50 miserable 
                         years......uh, of fame.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ah, fame. Where do I come in?

               
                                     ZOID
                         This fame film has a juicy part for 
                         you, if you completely finance it with 
                         your doctor money. So, are you in?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest?
 
                         
               
                                     ZOID
                         Oh, not much, not much, (quietly) amilliondollars. 
                          (talking) Then it's settled. Another 
                         blockbuster Hollywood deal.
 
               
                                     WAITER
                         What can I get you gentlemen?

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Is bread free?

               
                                     WAITER
                         Yeah.

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         We'll split an order.

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still parked. Zoidberg, Fry and 
               Leela are back. Zoidberg cries. Bender walks in with a cap, a 
               personalised jacket, shades and a cigar.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What's with Monstro?

               
                                     FRY
                         He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid 
                         a million bucks to make a movie.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (crying) I've only been here a day and 
                         already I'm a Hollywood phoney.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (proud) Well, perhaps I could call on 
                         TVs Calculon to help, now that I'm in 
                         showbiz.
 
               
               [He turns around and shows the others the All My Circuits logo 
               on the back of his jacket.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Since when have you been in the biz?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Long enough, little man. Long enough.
 
                         
               
               [His hand starts shaking and it bursts with water which covers 
               Fry.]
 
               
               [Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The quartet pass a sign 
               saying "Taping In Progress. Please Announce Self With Bullhorn" 
               as they go in.]
 
               
               [Calculon's Dressing Room. They walk in as Calculon applies WD-40 
               to himself.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Calculon, as your hot water heater......I 
                         would be remiss if I didn't bring you 
                         scripts that could make you an international 
                         film star.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Of course. Tell me about the project.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         It's a movie.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Interesting. Tell me more.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Get this: For a scant $1 million investment, 
                         you can be the star.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         And?

               
                                     BENDER
                         And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an 
                         Oscar.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         An Oscar, you say? That would get me 
                         out of this festering rat's nest called 
                         "television" once and for all. Let me 
                         see the script.  No, no I don't like 
                         the font.  Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this 
                         written by the Harold Zoid?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Written and Xeroxed.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Good heavens. A chance to work with 
                         the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one 
                         of my great idols. And, and you say 
                         you can guarantee me the Oscar?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I can guarantee anything you want.
 
                         
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Then I'll do it!

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Hooray!

               
               [Bender opens his chest cabinet.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Here's your chequebook.

               
               [The Magnificent Three Soundstage. Sets are built and backdrops 
               are painted as Calculon introduces Zoid.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our 
                         director, the legendary Harold Zoid!
 
                         
               
               [The cast and crew applaud Zoid, who is dressed riding trousers 
               and various other odd clothes.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Thank you. A more classic movie plot 
                         there isn't: A son who does not want 
                         to follow in his father's business. 
                         And that business is being president 
                         of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens, 
                         is vice president.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (to Calculon) That plot makes perfect 
                         sense, wink wink.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Bender, you said "wink wink" out loud.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         No, I didn't. (quietly) Raise middle 
                         finger.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Calculon stands in front of a backdrop of the White 
               House and Zoid tries to find a good angle.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Now, remember, and I can't stress this 
                         enough, this is a talkie. So I want 
                         the full gamut of emotions from every 
                         actor in every scene.
 
               
               [He walks onto the set with Calculon.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take 
                         one.
 
               
               [He claps the clapperboard together, which has been painted on 
               his claw.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         And, action!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing 
                         bills into law was always your dream, 
                         not mine.
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Cut! Cut! Cut it!  I said this is a 
                         talkie, damnit! You've got to emote 
                         more! And you extras: Wave your arms 
                         and make faces. What is this, a morgue?
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. Zoid, Calculon and some extras stand on a set of 
               the White House oval office.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 
                         95.
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Action. And I mean circus-grade action.
 
                         
               
               [As Calculon over-acts his way through the scene, extras run 
               around the set, waving their arms, making noises and impersonating 
               apes.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Sir, I call upon you not as a president 
                         but as a father.
 
               
               [He cries on Zoid's shoulder. Zoid pushes him away.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         Cut, cut, cut it!  Would you show a 
                         little emotion?  People, people, please. 
                         Just because it's a dramatic scene, 
                         doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy 
                         in the background.  Throw a pie or two, 
                         for God's sake.
 
               
               [Time Lapse. The extras run around in front of the White House 
               backdrop throwing pies and laughing.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. On a set of the White House roof, Calculon finishes 
               a scene. There is a rain a wind machine nearby.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (screaming) Nooo!

               
               [He cries. Zoid runs onto the set.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright, 
                         kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing. 
                         Alright, that's a wrap everybody, I'm 
                         gonna see you all at the premiere which, 
                         by the way, when is?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Well, uh, editing is a long and expensive 
                         process but we spent all the money on 
                         pies, so it'll be ready Friday.
 
               
               [Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Bender takes 
               a seat with the stars in the packed auditorium.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's 
                         practically on your mantel.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         I just pray they like me half as much 
                         as I do.
 
               
               [The lights dim and the credits roll. The audience cheers when 
               Zoid's name comes up on the screen. The first scene is outside 
               The White House; Washington D.D. The typer corrects it to D.C. 
               Calculon and Zoid have a scene together in the oval office.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (in movie) I agreed to be your vice 
                         president but I never agreed to be your 
                         son.  Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (in movie) Good morning, Mr. Vice President!
 
                         
               
               [Outside Loew's Gaddafi's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Next door, 
               Pauly Shore's Jury Duty II is still playing. The Planet Express 
               ship flies back and forth over the building.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry peers through the window. He is 
               wearing a light blue tuxedo.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, we're missing the premiere.  
                         My only goal in life was to attend a 
                         Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet 
                         the two bucks.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         No! It's the principle of the thing. 
                         Besides, I think I see a parking lot 
                         up ahead.
 
               
               [The ship lands on a black surface - and starts to sink. Leela 
               has landed on a tar pit. She and Fry scream.]
 
               
               [Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. The film 
               has nearly finished playing. Calculon and Zoid are on the roof 
               of the White House in the rain. Zoid is sat in a wheelchair.]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (in movie) Father, I have asked you 
                         to join me on the White House roof so 
                         we could have a heart-to-heart talk. 
                         I will never follow in your footsteps. 
                         Here is my resignation as vice president.
 
                         
               
               [Zoid cuts the paper up.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         (in movie) No! My son will not shame 
                         me like this. I would sooner die, I 
                         would!
 
               
               [He pushes his wheelchair away.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         (in movie) Father! The ledge!

               
               [Zoid's chair rolls off the ledge.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         (in movie) Oy!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         (in movie) Oh.

               
               [Zoidberg opens a hatch in the roof.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (in movie) The president is dead. Congratulations, 
                         Mr. President.
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (screaming; in movie) Nooo!

               
               [The film ends with Bender credited as executive producer.]
 
               
               
                                     BENDER
                         (cheering) Woohoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!
 
                         
               
               [Calculon looks around. The room is empty.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Everyone walked out. They hated it. 
                         I've seen plagues that have better opening 
                         nights than this. You said that Oscar 
                         was practically on my mantel.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Now you know why I use the qualifier, 
                         "practically".
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         You listen to me. I'm out a million 
                         bucks here! You get me that Oscar, or 
                         you're dead! You and these snivelling 
                         lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!
 
                         
               
               [Bender and Zoidberg huddle together. Calculon leaves.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         Oy, now he emotes!

               
               [Calculon's Lounge. Calculon reads Daily Variety. The headline 
               reads "Osc Noms Announced" and "Also, Oscar Nominations Announced".]
 
               
               
                                     CALCULON
                         400 categories and not a single nomination 
                         for me.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         But you won this Golden Globe!

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards! 
                          I told you I want an Oscar.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Then maybe you should act better.

               
                                     CALCULON
                         The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about 
                         earning the respect and admiration of 
                         the creative community.
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         How 'bout we rig the awards?

               
                                     CALCULON
                         That's fine too.

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still in the tar pit. Leela tries 
               the engine but it stalls.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus, 
                         I think I flooded it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Well, we missed the premiere and we're 
                         gonna die. We might as well enjoy the 
                         sights.  Oh my God, Sylvester Stallone!
 
                         
               
               [Final Curtain Old Actors' Home: Zoid's Room.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         This is where you live? I though you 
                         were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOID
                         No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar 
                         than you. My career went down the tube 
                         the day they invented smell-a-vision.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's 
                         all everybody else's fault.
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Oy. All I wanted was for people to think 
                         of me one last time before I die.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What are you talking about? Everybody 
                         remembers Harold Zoid!
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         As a pathetic has-been, they remember 
                         me. As a forgotten relic, they remember 
                         me. Bah! It's better to die now.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't 
                         be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
 
                         
               
               [He leaves with an ineffective walk.]

               
               [Outside Academy Awards. Florp arrives in a limo and photographers 
               line the red carpet to take pictures of the stars. Joan Rivers's 
               head presents the TV coverage.]
 
               
                                     RIVERS
                         Hi, I'm Joan Rivers's head. I tell you, 
                         I've had so many face-lifts, they finally 
                         lifted it right off my body! It's true, 
                         it's true! Oh, oh, oh, here comes Jack 
                         Nicholson's DNA, reconstituted in a 
                         gorilla body.
 
               
               [The gorilla walks up the carpet. Around the back Bender, wearing 
               a chef's hat, pushes a trolley towards a door. A doorman stops 
               him.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Catering.

               
               [The doorman lifts the lid off the plate. Zoidberg is underneath 
               with a pineapple in his mouth. The doorman gags and lets Bender 
               inside. Joan Rivers introduces more stars on the red carpet.]
 
               
               
                                     RIVERS
                         Oh, and here's washed-up actor, what's-his-name, 
                         Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one 
                         of those tacky honorary awards, or just 
                         getting one?
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only 
                         marketable skill is to occupy space.
 
                         
               
               [Academy Awards. Zoid sits between Calculon and Boxy.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         You know, the second I don't win that 
                         award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?
 
                         
               
               [Boxy beeps and points a laser at Zoid. Some music plays and 
               the audience applauds.]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now, the host of the 1074th Academy 
                         Awards, Billy Crystal.
 
               
               [The curtain lifts. Crystal's head is atop a giant Oscar statuette.]
 
               
               
                                     CRYSTAL
                         Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels. 
                          Alright, we're already one hour behind. 
                          Our first award tonight, Best Cinematography 
                         in a Non-Visible Spectrum.
 
               
               [Ship's Cockpit.]

               
                                     FRY
                         It's been two weeks. You wanna play 
                         tic-tac-toe again before we eat our 
                         shoes?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom 
                         of a pit. But a pit full of tar?
 
               
               [The ship bangs and tilts.]

               
                                     FRY
                         What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar 
                         shark?
 
               
               [Leela looks at a scanner.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid 
                         of human life.  The Los Angeles subway! 
                         We can blast our way in and escape!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, but I still feel like having 
                         a shoe.
 
               
               [He starts to eat it and Leela tries the engine.]

               
               [Academy Awards. Backstage, Bender peeps through a curtain.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         What category are they on?

               
                                     BENDER
                         They're giving out the minor technical 
                         awards. I think they're up to writing.
 
                         
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         That leave Best Soft-Drink Product Placement 
                         and then Best Actor. We don't have much 
                         time.
 
               
               [On the stage, the next category is presented.]

               
                                     CRYSTAL
                         And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink 
                         Product Placement are:
 
               
                                     SLURM MACHINE
                         Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They 
                         Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White And 
                         The 7 Ups.
 
               
               [Backstage, Bender swaps the microphones over.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         And now, to present the award for Best 
                         Actor......a bit player in the flop 
                         movie The Magnificent Three......Dr. 
                         Zoidberg.
 
               
               [The audience applauds. Zoidberg throws Crystal's head out of 
               his jar and the audience cheers louder.]
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         (quietly) OK, Boxy, keep your prong 
                         on the trigger.
 
               
               [Zoid whimpers.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And the nominees for Best Actor are: 
                         Sir Lawrence...... in The Merchant Of 
                         Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini 
                         Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot 
                         in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in 
                         How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead 
                         of the fifth guy - Calculon, for his 
                         powerhouse performance in The Magnificent 
                         Three.
 
               
               [The audience murmur. Backstage are two men with ballot boxes.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Uh-oh, he read the wrong name.

               
                                     MAN #2
                         (whispering) Shh, just play along, like 
                         they did with Marisa Tomei.
 
               
               [Zoid cheers.]

               
                                     ZOID
                         Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live 
                         another day. Another day of...pathetic, 
                         forgotten misery.
 
               
               [Zoidberg sees his sad uncle and opens the envelope.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         And the winner is... And the winner, 
                         instead of any of the nominees, is the 
                         legendary Harold Zoid!
 
               
               [Zoid runs onto the stage and the audience clap in confusion. 
               Zoid hugs Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     ZOID
                         Thank you. Thank you so much! You know, 
                         through all my ups and downs, I always 
                         thought the most important thing in 
                         life was to win an Oscar. But tonight 
                         I realise what's really important is 
                         to win two Oscars. Ha, ha! I'm kidding, 
                         I'm kidding. What really matters in 
                         life is that people care about you, 
                         whether it's a whole crowd......or just 
                         one die-hard fan.
 
               
               [He looks at Zoidberg. The audience claps and Jack Nicholson 
               swings from a chandelier.
 
               
               [Ebola. Bender, Zoid and Zoidberg attend the Oscars party.]
 
               
               
                                     ZOID
                         Thank you, nephew.  Now I can die happy. 
                         10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills 
                         us.
 
               
               [Calculon and Boxy walk in.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Harold Zoid!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hit the deck!

               
               [He and Zoidberg cower under the table.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Where's that Oscar?

               
                                     ZOID
                         Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset? 
                         It's slightly less fraudulent for you 
                         to have it.
 
               
               [He hands it to Calculon.]

               
                                     CALCULON
                         Yes, yes it's a real beauty. Someday 
                         I hope to win one of my own.
 
               
               [He puts it back on the table.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Then you're not going to kill us, Your 
                         Majesty?
 
               
                                     CALCULON
                         Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid 
                         too much to beat him to death with his 
                         own Oscar.
 
               
               [The crowd claps and the room shakes.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Earthquake!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hit the deck!

               
                                     ZOID
                         Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's 
                         Oscar!
 
               
               [Hollywood Street. The tar-covered Planet Express ship bursts 
               out of an L.A. subway terminal and glides to a stop outside Ebola. 
               Leela and Fry walk down the steps.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!
 
                         
               
                                     DOORMAN
                         I'm sorry, sir, this is a private - 
                         oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr. 
                         Stallone.
 
               
               [Stallone's skeleton is stuck to Fry's leg. The doorman lets 
               him and Leela in.]
 
               
               THE END

               

That's Lobstertainment!



Writers :   Patric M. Verrone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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