"THE BIRDBOT OF ICECATRAZ"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Now With Chucklelin.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch while
Leela perches on the end of it. Fry tears open a pack of Styro-Pak
Fry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious
but they produce an awful lot of trash.
[Fry takes out a small pack marked "Top," opens it, takes something
out and puts it in a weird looking machine. He throws the packet
on a pile of other packets. He rips open a pack marked "Bottom"
and puts it in the other side of the machine. He rips open a
pack marked "Middle," puts it in the middle of the machine and
pulls a lever on the machine. The machine compresses the cookie
sections and makes a cream filled cookie. He pulls it apart a
licks out the cream from the middle. Bender sprays his antenna
with something and slicks it back.]
And Bender, that aerosol head spray
makes your head smell nice...
...but it's doing long-term damage to
So? It's not like it's the only one
Good news everyone! I'm sending you
on an extremely controversial mission!
Oh my no.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The lights are dimmed and there
is a hologram in the middle of the table of the Planet Express
ship docking with a tanker.]
For this highly controversial mission,
you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an
orbitting supertanker full of rich Columbian
Dark matter oil? What if we hit something?
The tanker could leak!
Impossible! The tanker has 6000 hulls.
So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof!
Now, once you've hauled the tanker
past the protestors -
Correct. 6000 hulls.
Why do we have to fly within three feet
of this penguin preserve on Pluto?
(whispering) To avoid the tollbooth.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is wearing her green jacket and
Farnsworth points at something on the ship to Bender. Fry walks
down the steps with an empty trolley.]
Alright, she's all restocked with emergency
jam. Let's get going.
At the risk of sounding negative: No!
Look Professor, I can't participate
in this mission.
What are you yapping about?
This time it's your reckless disregard
for the environment. In fact, I'm gonna
go join those protestors.
This is an outrage. I demand that you
hand over your captain's jacket.
This is my normal jacket. I've had it
for 10 years.
I said hand it over! Well Fry, or should
I say Captain Fry? No I shouldn't.
Because Bender is the new captain!
That's right. Being a captain is about
intuition and heart. A good captain
can't have either one. That's why cold,
logical Bender is perfect for the job.
Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
[Ship's Cockpit. Bender sits in the pilot's seat and Zoidberg
mans a console.]
No fair. Leela was training me to be
captain. She even let me sit in her
lap and steer - in this comic I drew.
[He pulls out a piece of paper. Zoidberg turns around.]
Ooo, the new one's out!
[He takes it.]
Fry, the title of captain may inflate
the human ego, but it's beneath the
notice of my mighty robo-logic! Now
look spry men! We launch at six bells!
[He takes a bell out of his chest cabinet and rings it six times.]
[A convoy of protestors in ship's fly towards the Juan Valdez
which is orbitting Earth. They tow banners such as "Save The
Crested Spinepecker" and "Think Intergalactically, Act Interplanetarily."
A Green Party ship full of Kif's people fly by and a larger ship
belonging to Penguins Unlimited flies by.]
[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Ship. A huge crowd of protestors
are gathered on the deck. Preparing for a speech is Free Waterfall
Sr, father of Free Waterfall Jr who led the campaign against
eating Popplers in The Problem With Popplers.]
Greetings Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall
Sr, founder of Penguins Unlimited.
Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time
you clap your hands you kill thousands
of spores that'll some day form a nutritious
fungus. Just show your approval with
a mould-friendly thumbs up! Please
hold your thumbs until the end. Now
folks, its time to stop that tanker
with a non-violent human circle.
[Leela stands up.]
Why do we have to resort to non-violence?
Can't we just kick their asses?
Now little lady, those people's asses
are living things too!
[The Planet Express ship beeps as it back up and docks with the
Juan Valdez, using a tow bar.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy
Jones' U-Haul! At ease men!
[Fry swats a fly on his arm while lying back with his feet up.]
I am at ease.
Mr Fry. I like to give my first mate
an informal nickname. From now on, you
will be known as...Wiggles!
[He wiggles his fingers.]
The hell I will! Have you even read
the captain's handbook?
[He holds up the Captain's Handbook - Now With Pop-up Sextant.
Bender takes it and flips through it quickly.]
I have now. And what's Peter Parrot's
first rule of captaining?
Always respect the chain-o-command -
Correct Wiggles. You've just earned
an invitation to the captain's table.
[He leaves and Zoidberg leans over the back of his chair.]
(whispering) The captain's table! What
[Peace Ring. Hundreds of protestors have surrounded the tanker
in a human circle.]
Our peace ring has 'em trapped like
a tiger in a washing machine!
[The Planet Express ship's engine starts to flare up.]
Here they come.
[The ship rises up from the middle of the peace ring and tows
the tanker over the top of the protestors. It flies away.]
When you were planning this peace ring,
didn't you realise spaceships can move
in three dimensions?
No I did not.
[The protestors' ships fly into Pluto space and pass a sign saying
Pluto - Last Restroom Before Proxima Centauri.]
[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The protestors walk towards the
building on the icy Pluto surface.]
Folks, that tanker gave us the slip
but we'll stop 'em here on Pluto! If
you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost.
It's nature's long johns. If rubbing
frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong,
hey I don't wanna be right!
[Penguins Unlimited HQ. Enter the protestors. The building is
a huge glass dome. In the middle of the room are holes in the
ground with bars around them. Waterfall shows Leela what is inside.]
This here is our penguin preserve.
[In the holes baby penguins cheep.]
Aww they're so cute! They're like if
puppies and kittens could have babies!
We use hand puppets around young uns
to simulate a natural environment.
[In the hole a man's arm with a penguin puppet over his hand
appears from under the floor. The beak opens and the man feeds
the baby penguins little fish. They grab his hand and start biting
it and one steals his watch. He screams.]
[The man screams louder.]
[The Planet Express ship flies past Saturn with the tanker still
[Cut to: Ship's Rec Room. Bender has converted it to a captain's
private dining room and uses the table tennis table to eat off.
He and Fry are in the middle of a pasta meal and he is in the
middle of a speech.]
...But I suppose it's this medal I'm
most proud of Wiggles. I won it for
saving the children of Earth from a
giant kangaroo. It was on the Australian
news, you probably didn't see it.
[Zoidberg, sitting at the other end of the table across the net,
Would you cram a sock in it Bender?
Those aren't even medals! They're bottlecaps
and pepperoni slices.
[Bender rings a bell and Zoidberg refills his glass.]
Thank you steward. Wiggles? Weren't
you about to propose a toast to your
Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender!
He's the best......at being a big jerk
and his big ugly face is as dumb as
Eh, I've heard better.
If I were in charge I wouldn't treat
you like this. You're nothing but a
[He knocks Bender's bell off the table. Bender stands up.]
Sir, you forget yourself! Shut up!
[He knocks Fry's plate off the table it hits the wall and slides
down to the floor. Zoidberg looks at it and dives to the floor
and starts eating what's left of Fry's food.]
Being captain is obviously more important
to you than being my friend. I'm going.
Going? But, a captain can't drink without
his first mate!
[Fry leaves. Zoidberg peeps over the edge of the table.]
You can drink with me maybe?
I don't feel like drinking.
[He takes off his hat and starts to walk out.]
Then if you'll excuse me I see some
ravioli that only has two shoeprints
on it. Three.
[The ship and tanker flies past Neptune, Urectum and Charon and
heads for Pluto.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender is sober and his face is covered
in five o'clock rust. He lies back in the pilot's seat and looks
like he is about to slide of as he wildly steers the ship singing
an olde sea shanty.]
(soberly singing) Oh Greenland is a
barren land, a land that bears no green.
Where there's ice and snow and the whale
fishies blow and the -
[Enter Zoidberg with a bottle of Olde Fortran Liquor.]
Captain please, have some liquor. You
robots need alcohol to function.
Gah! I once knew a guy...you look like
him. But he wasn't either. I'm a good
Please sir, I love you like a father!
[Bender grabs the wheel and steers the ship sharply starboard,
knocking Zoidberg off balance. He screams as he falls.]
[Pluto Surface. The protestors hold up signs such as "Give A
Hooto Don't Pollute Pluto!", "Preserve Our Useless Wasteland"
and "Free Chilly Willy."]
Here they come, oh I hope they read
[He holds up the sign that reads "Go Away Tanker!" The ship and
tanker fly over the planet surface upside-down.]
Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down!
He must be talking on a cell phone!
[The tanker hits an iceberg and it scrapes a huge hole along
the hull releasing a torrent of dark matter oil.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The room is flooded with red light and
the message "Danger" repeatedly flashes on the screens. Bender
snores loudly. Enter Fry and Zoidberg.]
[Zoidberg turns on another screen that displays the extent of
the damage to the tanker. There is a huge gash most of the way
along it's hull. A gauge at one side of the screen drops as the
dark matter levels go down.]
All 6000 hulls have been breached!
[Fry falls to his knees.]
Oh the fools! If only they'd built it
with 6001 hulls! When will they learn?
[Cut to: Pluto Surface. The leaking tanker speeds towards the
screaming protestors and a tidal wave of dark matter oil washes
towards them. Leela sighs and zips up her coat around her head.
Her eye stares through her coat hood as the wave engulfs her
and the others.]
[Prison Cell. On the TV in the corner Morbo and Linda present
a news report under the headline "Tanked!"]
LINDA [ON TV]
Continuing our coverage of a tragic
- but far away - story. The crisis on
Pluto worsens as dark matter spreads
throughout the penguin habitat. The
images are truly horrific.
[The picture changes to oil-covered penguins. One coughs and
two others slip on the oil with crazy sound effects added. The
caption on the screen reads "Sound Effects Added To Lessen Tragedy."
Another penguin repeatedly slips over with boingy sounds to go
with it. Leela is interviewed.]
LEELA [ON TV]
I don't think any of those poor, oil-drenched
[She slips over with added sound effects. The scene returns to
the studio and Morbo laughs.]
MORBO [ON TV]
Oily humanoid! At the time of the crash,
the tanker captain had an alcohol level
of .08 percent - well below the legal
limit for robots.
[A picture of Bender appears in the corner of the screen in a
pose remiscent of Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez,
with his arms up trying to hide his face from the cameras. Bender
sighs and turns away from the TV and holds the cell bars. The
Hyper-Chicken lawyer paces around on the other side.]
Son, as your lawyer I declare y'all
are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble.
But I done struck you a deal; Five hours
of community service cleanin' up that
ole mess you caused.
Five hours? Aw man! Couldn't you have
just gotten me the death penalty?
I'd have done better but it's plum hard
pleadin' a case while awaitin' trial
for that there incompetance!
[He grabs hold of the bars. It is he who is in prison rather
Yeah, uh, good luck with that.
[He walks out.]
[Pluto Surface. Bender scrubs the penguins while Smitty and URL
[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Shelter. The activists clean the
oil from the penguins. One baths them, Free Waterfall Sr rubs
them dry with a towel and Leela blow dries them. She puts one
down on the ground, licks her finger and rubs it's cheek like
Now you stay away from those puffin
[She sends it on it's way. Waterfall gives some more survival
tips to people.]
Good way to avoid frostbite folks: Put
your hands between your buttocks. That's
Uh...I think I'll go check on Bender.
Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.
[Cut to: Pluto Surface. Bender holds a penguin over his head
and wrings the oil into his mouth.]
Ah, can't beat fresh squeezed!
Bender, can you at least pretend you're
being punished? And clean the black
[She walks off. Bender mocks her. Smitty and URL look at some
Are they black with white feathers or
white with black feathers?
It don't matter baby, they're all beautiful!
Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here?
Oh ho, what's this?
[He ducks behind an ice rock, pulls a tuxedo out of his chest
cabinet and puts it on. He lowers his legs to penguin height
and wanders over to the flock of penguins and cackles evily.
Smitty and URL stop hugging and look around. Bender is gone.]
Aww man, he got away!
I guess this is why chief says no hugging.
[Time Lapse. The Penguins Unlimited group heads for the Penguins
Good work everyone. I suggest you all
go get some sleep. Me, well I'm gonna
stay up all night singing songs about
penguins in a fine piercing tenor.
Has anyone seen Bender? (shouting) Bender?
Here robot robot robot.
[Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. Fry and Zoidberg play on a games
console. Enter Leela.]
Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside
They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory
job. (sadly) And eating penguin eggs.
You ate most of them. So, where's Captain
Bender? Off catastrophising some other
[He chuckles. Zoidberg slaps him.]
Dammit Fry! He may have done wrong,
but he's still your captain.
I'm worried about him. He didn't come
back with the group.
No. And with windchill it's 20 degrees
below absolute zero. I'd better go find
[She pulls her hood over her head and starts to leave. Fry grabs
Wait. Let me. Bender and I have our
disagreements, but we're still friends
and I'm gonna show him what that means.
To the ship.
Why don't you just walk? He was only
about 20 yards from here.
Madam, I am in command now.
[He walks out and Zoidberg follows him.]
Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and
back I would.
[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The ship takes off and reverses
away from the building.]
[Pluto Surface. Night has fallen and the penguins and Bender
are asleep. Bender snores. The penguins suddenly wake up and
start walking. Bender, still asleep, walks with them. He wakes
up and starts panicking.]
What the? What's this water made of?
Ice? Forget this!
[He swims away but a killer whale grabs hold of him à la R2-D2
in The Empire Strikes Back and starts throwing him around, diving
in and out of the water. The whale spits him out and he lands
head first on the land. A surge of electricity wraps around him
and he whistles and falls over then blacks out.]
[Time Lapse. Bender starts to re-boot. His eyes open and his
system starts scanning local lifeforms. The penguins. He resets
to penguin mode and starts loading penguin language. Tasks: 1)
Acquire Food. 2) Frolic. He stands up and looks around.]
(in penguin) Full of fish?
(in penguin) Not entirely.
(in penguin) Then let's fish.
[The penguins and Bender head back towards the lake.]
[Ship's Cockpit. Fry flys the ship through space and Zoidberg
look anxiously through the window.]
Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto
any longer. In fact, we may have left
space as we know it.
Then where are we? You said you knew
how to navigate.
(shouting) Stop yelling at me!
[He bursts into tears.]
[Pluto Surface. The flock of penguins chatter to each other.
Bender looks sadly at a family of penguins. He looks away and
sees a female penguin. He wanders over to her but a male penguin
steps in his way and squawks at him. He sees another female penguin,
walks towards her and kisses her perhaps. They both waddle off
[Montage The penguins fish for fish. They slide down an ice bank
and dive into the water. Bender slides down halfway but his antenna
gets stuck in the ice and he stops, causing a pile-up of penguins
behind him. Next he prepares to sit on some eggs to keep them
warm but accidentally squashes them instead. He looks embarrassed
and covers the yolk stain on him with his tux tails. In the water
penguins catch one or two fish in their beaks and Bender uses
his antenna to harpoon three at once. Back on land Bender stands
up. There are two baby penguins underneath him. He sees another
penguin regurgitate food for the little ones. He picks up a fish
and throws it into his mouth which acts as a blender. At the
end of the day Bender sits with the group of penguins and chatters.]
[Penguins Unlimited HQ Meeting Room. On a blackboard is a diagram
of one penguin, followed by an arrow, followed by lots of penguins.
Free Waterfall Sr stands at a podium in front of the board. Hippies
are on seats around the room.]
Folks it's worse than we thought. Seems
dark matter is nature's sex drug. It's
like a perverted trail mix of penguin
estrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish
penguin fly. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile.
Well your garden variety penguin lays
one egg a year. Since the spill our
penguins have been laying six eggs every
15 minutes. Also the eggs hatch in
only 12 hours. Also the males are laying
[The hippies gasp again. A man faints and a doctor rushes to
This man is over-gasped.
[He and another hippy carry the man out.]
If the birds keep multiplying soon there'll
be too many to count. Before long they'll
exhaust their food supply and starve
Oh if only we hadn't flown penguins
to Pluto and dumped oil on them, this
might never have happened. Can't we
stop them from multiplying?
Yes I reckon it is our responsibility.
And thankfully we have a plan.
What is it? We'll do anything.
Everyone grab your guns. I declare penguin
hunting season officially open.
[He pulls out a gun and cocks it and so do the other hippies.
Leela looks around in horror.]
[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The penguins have multiplied
so much that most of the once ice-covered landscape outside the
building is now filled with a sea of penguins.]
[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. The hippies clean out
their guns while Leela protests the penguins' innocence.]
You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there
some way to prevent them from breeding?
Cold showers don't work on Antarctic
creatures. Now surely you agree that
a quick semi-painless death is a darn
sight better than weeks of starvation.
Well...I suppose...but...I mean...I
joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins,
not to hunt them.
This time the two are one and the same!
Now are you with us or are you gonna
let innocent penguins suffer?
[He pulls back a curtain. Outside the penguins are squashed up
the window like those healthy people in the Star Trek episode
Wink Of An Eye. Leela takes a step back.]
(crying) Oh God it's inhuman! It's like
Hong Kong! I'll do it!
[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. Leela is holding a gun.]
That's a good old fashioned gun. Simple
point-and-click interface. Rifle check!
[The hunters cock their guns and laugh.]
Hey, you're enjoying this.
Look nobody enjoys shooting penguins.
But if you have to shoot penguins, well
you might as well enjoy it.
I'm sorry but if it's fun in any way
it's not environmentalism.
Oh really? How 'bout blowing up dams?
Yeah...that is fun.
[He cocks his gun.]
[Outside Ship. The ship glides through space...with a giant space-squid
holding onto it. Fry screams.]
(shouting; from ship) It's been an honour
to serve under you sir!
[Pluto Surface. Leela walks over the icy surface with her gun.
She crawls to a ledge and sees a flock of penguins.]
Alright, this is for their own good.
Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire
families. But they're so cute. No!
You can do this. It's just like murdering
a little butler. I...I can't look.
(crying) Oh no! What have I done? Oh
you poor little guy! I'm so sorry I
- Bender? What's going on? Were you
hiding out with these little guys?
Of course not. Filthy ice rats. Scat!
Shoo! Gah! What are you doing? Get
Aww, they love you!
Well I don't love them. Aww! I don't
know why but when I look down at their
little faces, it makes me wanna puke!
In a good way!
[They hear some guns firing and turn around and see the hunters.]
(in penguin) Stand still. It's our only
(in penguin) That's Puffin talk. Now
[He runs away and they follow. Leela turns to the hunters.]
Stop! Stop shooting! It's me, Leela.
[A hunter shoots off a bit of her hood.]
Why aren't you firing randomly into
those birds little lady? Don't you wanna
Not this way.
What? Why you're not a tree-hugging
kook at all!
Look, I don't know if shooting penguins
will help the environment or not. But
I do know that the decision shouldn't
be in the hands of people who just wanna
kill for fun.
Leela, you may just be farming some
free-range truth there. On the other
hand we just made up 200 pounds of batter
for penguin tempura. OK boys, it's them
[They cock their guns.]
[They get ready to shoot but the penguins are gone.]
Hey where'd they - ?
[He and the penguins are standing on a ledge behind the hunters.
They slide down the ledge head first towards the hunters. Leela
dives out of the way and the penguins swarm at the hunters.]
(in penguin) We will fight them on the
beaches! We will fight them on the glaciers!
[Some penguins catch up with Waterfall and he falls over. They
engulf him and start to eat him.]
(shouting) Make sure they use every
part of my body!
[Waterfall's father - a man with a silly hat, a big beard and
braces - shakes his fist at the penguins.]
OLD MAN WATERFALL
(shouting) I'll avenge your death son!
[Leela and Bender watch the penguin feast.]
They used to be such peaceful birds.
I suppose this was your doing.
Yep. It's like I taught 'em. If it ain't
black and white - peck scratch and bite!
Now to take off my tuxedo. Guys, it's
me! Your lovable dictator! Uh-oh!
[The penguins start to chase them. One pecks Bender's shiny metal
ass. They come to the top of an ice hill and peer over the other
side. It is very steep.]
Oh, if only we had a toboggan.
[She looks Bender up and down.]
[Time Lapse. They both slide down the mountain.]
[Leela - the toboggan - slides down the hillside faster. They
slide onto a piece of ice jutting out into the water. Bender
stomps across it and cracks it and it floats away from the land.
The penguins watch them float away.]
Oh phew! Oh right they can swim. It's
all coming back to me now.
[The penguins climb onto the ice block and Bender and Leela back
away to the other side. The penguins surround them. The Planet
Express ship flies overhead.]
[Fry lands the ship on the other side of the ice block. It's
weight tips the ice back and the penguins slide down it. The
whale appears on the other side and the penguins slide into it's
mouth à la Orca.]
Well, at least it'll help reduce their
Yeah, life is hilariously cruel. Permission
to come aboard Wiggles?
[Fry pulls him up onto the lift.]
Granted. We can't take off without our
[He takes off Bender's hat and gives it to him. Leela coughs.
She is still hanging on to the edge of the ice block.]
Oh, and bring my toboggan.
[Ship's Cockpit. Fry flies the ship away from Pluto.]
So Leela, were you able to help the
Well sure. I mean...not really...I mean...nature
will work itself out. It can't screw
things up any worse than we did trying
to fix things right?
(mumbling) I 'unno.
Ah, quit your worrying. Thanks to my
shining influence those stupid birds'll
do just fine.
[Cut to: Pluto Surface. The shadows of two penguins creep over
two abandoned guns. They pick the guns up, point them at each
other and cock them.]
The Birdbot Of IceCatraz
Writers : Dan Vebber
Genres : Animation Comedy