The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS




                                        FUTURAMA

                                       Episode 309

                               "THE BIRDBOT OF ICECATRAZ"

                                           By

                                       Dan Vebber

                         Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Now With Chucklelin.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch while 
               Leela perches on the end of it. Fry tears open a pack of Styro-Pak 
               Cookies.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious 
                         but they produce an awful lot of trash.
 
                         
               
               [Fry takes out a small pack marked "Top," opens it, takes something 
               out and puts it in a weird looking machine. He throws the packet 
               on a pile of other packets. He rips open a pack marked "Bottom" 
               and puts it in the other side of the machine. He rips open a 
               pack marked "Middle," puts it in the middle of the machine and 
               pulls a lever on the machine. The machine compresses the cookie 
               sections and makes a cream filled cookie. He pulls it apart a 
               licks out the cream from the middle. Bender sprays his antenna 
               with something and slicks it back.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah!

               
                                     LEELA
                         And Bender, that aerosol head spray 
                         makes your head smell nice...
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Thank you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         ...but it's doing long-term damage to 
                         the planet.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         So? It's not like it's the only one 
                         we've got!
 
               
               [Enter Farnsworth.]

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Good news everyone! I'm sending you 
                         on an extremely controversial mission!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Controversial?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Oh my no.

               
               [Planet Express: Meeting Room. The lights are dimmed and there 
               is a hologram in the middle of the table of the Planet Express 
               ship docking with a tanker.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         For this highly controversial mission, 
                         you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an 
                         orbitting supertanker full of rich Columbian 
                         dark matter.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? 
                         The tanker could leak!
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Impossible!  The tanker has 6000 hulls. 
                         So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof! 
                          Now, once you've hauled the tanker 
                         past the protestors -
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Protestors?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Correct. 6000 hulls.

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why do we have to fly within three feet 
                         of this penguin preserve on Pluto?
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (whispering) To avoid the tollbooth.
 
                         
               
               [Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is wearing her green jacket and 
               Farnsworth points at something on the ship to Bender. Fry walks 
               down the steps with an empty trolley.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Alright, she's all restocked with emergency 
                         jam. Let's get going.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         At the risk of sounding negative: No! 
                         Look Professor, I can't participate 
                         in this mission.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         What are you yapping about?

               
                                     LEELA
                         This time it's your reckless disregard 
                         for the environment. In fact, I'm gonna 
                         go join those protestors.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         This is an outrage. I demand that you 
                         hand over your captain's jacket.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         This is my normal jacket. I've had it 
                         for 10 years.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         I said hand it over!  Well Fry, or should 
                         I say Captain Fry?  No I shouldn't. 
                         Because Bender is the new captain!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Bender?

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         That's right. Being a captain is about 
                         intuition and heart. A good captain 
                         can't have either one. That's why cold, 
                         logical Bender is perfect for the job.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
 
                         
               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Bender sits in the pilot's seat and Zoidberg 
               mans a console.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         No fair. Leela was training me to be 
                         captain. She even let me sit in her 
                         lap and steer - in this comic I drew.
 
                         
               
               [He pulls out a piece of paper. Zoidberg turns around.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Ooo, the new one's out!

               
               [He takes it.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Fry, the title of captain may inflate 
                         the human ego, but it's beneath the 
                         notice of my mighty robo-logic!  Now 
                         look spry men! We launch at six bells!
 
                         
               
               [He takes a bell out of his chest cabinet and rings it six times.]
 
               
               
               [A convoy of protestors in ship's fly towards the Juan Valdez 
               which is orbitting Earth. They tow banners such as "Save The 
               Crested Spinepecker" and "Think Intergalactically, Act Interplanetarily." 
               A Green Party ship full of Kif's people fly by and a larger ship 
               belonging to Penguins Unlimited flies by.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Ship. A huge crowd of protestors 
               are gathered on the deck. Preparing for a speech is Free Waterfall 
               Sr, father of Free Waterfall Jr who led the campaign against 
               eating Popplers in The Problem With Popplers.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Greetings Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall 
                         Sr, founder of Penguins Unlimited.  
                         Whoa! No, no! No applause. Every time 
                         you clap your hands you kill thousands 
                         of spores that'll some day form a nutritious 
                         fungus. Just show your approval with 
                         a mould-friendly thumbs up!  Please 
                         hold your thumbs until the end. Now 
                         folks, its time to stop that tanker 
                         with a non-violent human circle.
 
               
               [Leela stands up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Why do we have to resort to non-violence? 
                         Can't we just kick their asses?
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Now little lady, those people's asses 
                         are living things too!
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship beeps as it back up and docks with the 
               Juan Valdez, using a tow bar.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Aye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy 
                         Jones' U-Haul! At ease men!
 
               
               [Fry swats a fly on his arm while lying back with his feet up.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         I am at ease.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Mr Fry. I like to give my first mate 
                         an informal nickname. From now on, you 
                         will be known as...Wiggles!
 
               
               [He wiggles his fingers.]

               
                                     WIGGLES
                         The hell I will! Have you even read 
                         the captain's handbook?
 
               
               [He holds up the Captain's Handbook - Now With Pop-up Sextant. 
               Bender takes it and flips through it quickly.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         I have now. And what's Peter Parrot's 
                         first rule of captaining?
 
               
                                     WIGGLES
                         Always respect the chain-o-command - 
                         captain.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Correct Wiggles. You've just earned 
                         an invitation to the captain's table.
 
                         
               
               [He leaves and Zoidberg leans over the back of his chair.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (whispering) The captain's table! What 
                         an honour!
 
               
               [Peace Ring. Hundreds of protestors have surrounded the tanker 
               in a human circle.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Our peace ring has 'em trapped like 
                         a tiger in a washing machine!
 
               
               [The Planet Express ship's engine starts to flare up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Get ready!

               
                                     PROTESTOR #1
                         Look out!

               
                                     PROTESTOR #2
                         Hold on!

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Here they come.

               
               [The ship rises up from the middle of the peace ring and tows 
               the tanker over the top of the protestors. It flies away.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         When you were planning this peace ring, 
                         didn't you realise spaceships can move 
                         in three dimensions?
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         No I did not.

               
               [The protestors' ships fly into Pluto space and pass a sign saying 
               Pluto - Last Restroom Before Proxima Centauri.]
 
               
               [Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The protestors walk towards the 
               building on the icy Pluto surface.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Folks, that tanker gave us the slip 
                         but we'll stop 'em here on Pluto! If 
                         you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. 
                         It's nature's long johns.  If rubbing 
                         frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, 
                         hey I don't wanna be right!
 
               
               [Penguins Unlimited HQ. Enter the protestors. The building is 
               a huge glass dome. In the middle of the room are holes in the 
               ground with bars around them. Waterfall shows Leela what is inside.]
 
               
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         This here is our penguin preserve.
 
                         
               
               [In the holes baby penguins cheep.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww they're so cute! They're like if 
                         puppies and kittens could have babies!
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         We use hand puppets around young uns 
                         to simulate a natural environment.
 
                         
               
               [In the hole a man's arm with a penguin puppet over his hand 
               appears from under the floor. The beak opens and the man feeds 
               the baby penguins little fish. They grab his hand and start biting 
               it and one steals his watch. He screams.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         That's adorable.

               
               [The man screams louder.]

               
               [The Planet Express ship flies past Saturn with the tanker still 
               in tow.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Rec Room. Bender has converted it to a captain's 
               private dining room and uses the table tennis table to eat off. 
               He and Fry are in the middle of a pasta meal and he is in the 
               middle of a speech.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         ...But I suppose it's this medal I'm 
                         most proud of Wiggles. I won it for 
                         saving the children of Earth from a 
                         giant kangaroo. It was on the Australian 
                         news, you probably didn't see it.
 
                         
               
               [Zoidberg, sitting at the other end of the table across the net, 
               claps.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Brilliant!

               
                                     FRY
                         Would you cram a sock in it Bender? 
                         Those aren't even medals! They're bottlecaps 
                         and pepperoni slices.
 
               
               [Bender rings a bell and Zoidberg refills his glass.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Thank you steward. Wiggles? Weren't 
                         you about to propose a toast to your 
                         gallant captain?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender! 
                         He's the best......at being a big jerk 
                         and his big ugly face is as dumb as 
                         a butt.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Eh, I've heard better.

               
                                     FRY
                         If I were in charge I wouldn't treat 
                         you like this. You're nothing but a 
                         big blowhard.
 
               
               [He knocks Bender's bell off the table. Bender stands up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Sir, you forget yourself! Shut up!
 
                         
               
               [He knocks Fry's plate off the table it hits the wall and slides 
               down to the floor. Zoidberg looks at it and dives to the floor 
               and starts eating what's left of Fry's food.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Being captain is obviously more important 
                         to you than being my friend. I'm going.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Going? But, a captain can't drink without 
                         his first mate!
 
               
               [Fry leaves. Zoidberg peeps over the edge of the table.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         You can drink with me maybe?

               
                                     BENDER
                         I don't feel like drinking.

               
               [He takes off his hat and starts to walk out.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Then if you'll excuse me I see some 
                         ravioli that only has two shoeprints 
                         on it.  Three.
 
               
               [The ship and tanker flies past Neptune, Urectum and Charon and 
               heads for Pluto.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender is sober and his face is covered 
               in five o'clock rust. He lies back in the pilot's seat and looks 
               like he is about to slide of as he wildly steers the ship singing 
               an olde sea shanty.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (soberly singing) Oh Greenland is a 
                         barren land, a land that bears no green. 
                         Where there's ice and snow and the whale 
                         fishies blow and the -
 
               
               [Enter Zoidberg with a bottle of Olde Fortran Liquor.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Captain please, have some liquor. You 
                         robots need alcohol to function.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Gah! I once knew a guy...you look like 
                         him. But he wasn't either.  I'm a good 
                         captain.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Please sir, I love you like a father!
 
                         
               
               [Bender grabs the wheel and steers the ship sharply starboard, 
               knocking Zoidberg off balance. He screams as he falls.]
 
               
               [Pluto Surface. The protestors hold up signs such as "Give A 
               Hooto Don't Pollute Pluto!", "Preserve Our Useless Wasteland" 
               and "Free Chilly Willy."]
 
               
                                     PROTESTOR #3
                         Here they come, oh I hope they read 
                         my sign!
 
               
               [He holds up the sign that reads "Go Away Tanker!" The ship and 
               tanker fly over the planet surface upside-down.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down!
 
                         
               
                                     PROTESTOR #3
                         He must be talking on a cell phone!
 
                         
               
               [The tanker hits an iceberg and it scrapes a huge hole along 
               the hull releasing a torrent of dark matter oil.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The room is flooded with red light and 
               the message "Danger" repeatedly flashes on the screens. Bender 
               snores loudly. Enter Fry and Zoidberg.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         What's happening?

               
               [Zoidberg turns on another screen that displays the extent of 
               the damage to the tanker. There is a huge gash most of the way 
               along it's hull. A gauge at one side of the screen drops as the 
               dark matter levels go down.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         All 6000 hulls have been breached!
 
                         
               
               [Fry falls to his knees.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Oh the fools! If only they'd built it 
                         with 6001 hulls! When will they learn?
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Pluto Surface. The leaking tanker speeds towards the 
               screaming protestors and a tidal wave of dark matter oil washes 
               towards them. Leela sighs and zips up her coat around her head. 
               Her eye stares through her coat hood as the wave engulfs her 
               and the others.]
 
               
               [Prison Cell. On the TV in the corner Morbo and Linda present 
               a news report under the headline "Tanked!"]
 
               
                                     LINDA [ON TV]
                         Continuing our coverage of a tragic 
                         - but far away - story. The crisis on 
                         Pluto worsens as dark matter spreads 
                         throughout the penguin habitat. The 
                         images are truly horrific.
 
               
               [The picture changes to oil-covered penguins. One coughs and 
               two others slip on the oil with crazy sound effects added. The 
               caption on the screen reads "Sound Effects Added To Lessen Tragedy." 
               Another penguin repeatedly slips over with boingy sounds to go 
               with it. Leela is interviewed.]
 
               
                                     LEELA [ON TV]
                         I don't think any of those poor, oil-drenched 
                         penguins feel.
 
               
               [She slips over with added sound effects. The scene returns to 
               the studio and Morbo laughs.]
 
               
                                     MORBO [ON TV]
                         Oily humanoid!  At the time of the crash, 
                         the tanker captain had an alcohol level 
                         of .08 percent - well below the legal 
                         limit for robots.
 
               
               [A picture of Bender appears in the corner of the screen in a 
               pose remiscent of Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez, 
               with his arms up trying to hide his face from the cameras. Bender 
               sighs and turns away from the TV and holds the cell bars. The 
               Hyper-Chicken lawyer paces around on the other side.]
 
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         Son, as your lawyer I declare y'all 
                         are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. 
                         But I done struck you a deal; Five hours 
                         of community service cleanin' up that 
                         ole mess you caused.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Five hours? Aw man! Couldn't you have 
                         just gotten me the death penalty?
 
                         
               
                                     HYPER-CHICKEN
                         I'd have done better but it's plum hard 
                         pleadin' a case while awaitin' trial 
                         for that there incompetance!
 
               
               [He grabs hold of the bars. It is he who is in prison rather 
               than Bender.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, uh, good luck with that.

               
               [He walks out.]

               
               [Pluto Surface. Bender scrubs the penguins while Smitty and URL 
               watch him.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Shelter. The activists clean the 
               oil from the penguins. One baths them, Free Waterfall Sr rubs 
               them dry with a towel and Leela blow dries them. She puts one 
               down on the ground, licks her finger and rubs it's cheek like 
               a mother.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Now you stay away from those puffin 
                         twins.
 
               
               [She sends it on it's way. Waterfall gives some more survival 
               tips to people.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Good way to avoid frostbite folks: Put 
                         your hands between your buttocks.  That's 
                         nature's pocket.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Uh...I think I'll go check on Bender.
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Watch that he doesn't pick your pocket.
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Pluto Surface. Bender holds a penguin over his head 
               and wrings the oil into his mouth.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, can't beat fresh squeezed!

               
               [Enter Leela.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, can you at least pretend you're 
                         being punished?  And clean the black 
                         parts too.
 
               
               [She walks off. Bender mocks her. Smitty and URL look at some 
               penguins.]
 
               
                                     SMITTY
                         Are they black with white feathers or 
                         white with black feathers?
 
               
                                     URL
                         It don't matter baby, they're all beautiful!
 
                         
               
               [They hug.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Yo, screws, more Tegrin over here?  
                         Oh ho, what's this?
 
               
               [He ducks behind an ice rock, pulls a tuxedo out of his chest 
               cabinet and puts it on. He lowers his legs to penguin height 
               and wanders over to the flock of penguins and cackles evily. 
               Smitty and URL stop hugging and look around. Bender is gone.]
 
               
               
                                     URL
                         Aww man, he got away!

               
                                     SMITTY
                         I guess this is why chief says no hugging.
 
                         
               
               [Time Lapse. The Penguins Unlimited group heads for the Penguins 
               Unlimited HQ.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Good work everyone. I suggest you all 
                         go get some sleep. Me, well I'm gonna 
                         stay up all night singing songs about 
                         penguins in a fine piercing tenor.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Has anyone seen Bender? (shouting) Bender? 
                          Here robot robot robot.
 
               
               [Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. Fry and Zoidberg play on a games 
               console. Enter Leela.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside 
                         cleaning up?
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         They sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory 
                         job.  (sadly) And eating penguin eggs.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         You ate most of them. So, where's Captain 
                         Bender? Off catastrophising some other 
                         planet?
 
               
               [He chuckles. Zoidberg slaps him.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Dammit Fry! He may have done wrong, 
                         but he's still your captain.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm worried about him. He didn't come 
                         back with the group.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         He didn't?

               
                                     LEELA
                         No. And with windchill it's 20 degrees 
                         below absolute zero. I'd better go find 
                         him.
 
               
               [She pulls her hood over her head and starts to leave. Fry grabs 
               her shoulder.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Wait. Let me. Bender and I have our 
                         disagreements, but we're still friends 
                         and I'm gonna show him what that means. 
                          To the ship.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Why don't you just walk? He was only 
                         about 20 yards from here.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Madam, I am in command now.

               
               [He walks out and Zoidberg follows him.]

               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and 
                         back I would.
 
               
               [Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The ship takes off and reverses 
               away from the building.]
 
               
               [Pluto Surface. Night has fallen and the penguins and Bender 
               are asleep. Bender snores. The penguins suddenly wake up and 
               start walking. Bender, still asleep, walks with them. He wakes 
               up and starts panicking.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         What the?  What's this water made of? 
                         Ice? Forget this!
 
               
               [He swims away but a killer whale grabs hold of him  la R2-D2 
               in The Empire Strikes Back and starts throwing him around, diving 
               in and out of the water. The whale spits him out and he lands 
               head first on the land. A surge of electricity wraps around him 
               and he whistles and falls over then blacks out.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Bender starts to re-boot. His eyes open and his 
               system starts scanning local lifeforms. The penguins. He resets 
               to penguin mode and starts loading penguin language. Tasks: 1) 
               Acquire Food. 2) Frolic. He stands up and looks around.]
 
               
                                     PENGUIN #1
                         (in penguin) Full of fish?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (in penguin) Not entirely.

               
                                     PENGUIN #1
                         (in penguin) Then let's fish.

               
               [The penguins and Bender head back towards the lake.]

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Fry flys the ship through space and Zoidberg 
               look anxiously through the window.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto 
                         any longer. In fact, we may have left 
                         space as we know it.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Then where are we? You said you knew 
                         how to navigate.
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting) Stop yelling at me!

               
               [He bursts into tears.]

               
               [Pluto Surface. The flock of penguins chatter to each other. 
               Bender looks sadly at a family of penguins. He looks away and 
               sees a female penguin. He wanders over to her but a male penguin 
               steps in his way and squawks at him. He sees another female penguin, 
               walks towards her and kisses her perhaps. They both waddle off 
               together.]
 
               
               [Montage The penguins fish for fish. They slide down an ice bank 
               and dive into the water. Bender slides down halfway but his antenna 
               gets stuck in the ice and he stops, causing a pile-up of penguins 
               behind him. Next he prepares to sit on some eggs to keep them 
               warm but accidentally squashes them instead. He looks embarrassed 
               and covers the yolk stain on him with his tux tails. In the water 
               penguins catch one or two fish in their beaks and Bender uses 
               his antenna to harpoon three at once. Back on land Bender stands 
               up. There are two baby penguins underneath him. He sees another 
               penguin regurgitate food for the little ones. He picks up a fish 
               and throws it into his mouth which acts as a blender. At the 
               end of the day Bender sits with the group of penguins and chatters.]
 
               
               
               [Penguins Unlimited HQ Meeting Room. On a blackboard is a diagram 
               of one penguin, followed by an arrow, followed by lots of penguins. 
               Free Waterfall Sr stands at a podium in front of the board. Hippies 
               are on seats around the room.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Folks it's worse than we thought. Seems 
                         dark matter is nature's sex drug. It's 
                         like a perverted trail mix of penguin 
                         estrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish 
                         penguin fly. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         How ultra?

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Well your garden variety penguin lays 
                         one egg a year. Since the spill our 
                         penguins have been laying six eggs every 
                         15 minutes.  Also the eggs hatch in 
                         only 12 hours.  Also the males are laying 
                         eggs.
 
               
               [The hippies gasp again. A man faints and a doctor rushes to 
               him.]
 
               
                                     DOCTOR
                         This man is over-gasped.

               
               [He and another hippy carry the man out.]

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         If the birds keep multiplying soon there'll 
                         be too many to count.  Before long they'll 
                         exhaust their food supply and starve 
                         to death.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh if only we hadn't flown penguins 
                         to Pluto and dumped oil on them, this 
                         might never have happened. Can't we 
                         stop them from multiplying?
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Yes I reckon it is our responsibility. 
                         And thankfully we have a plan.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         What is it? We'll do anything.

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Everyone grab your guns. I declare penguin 
                         hunting season officially open.
 
               
               [He pulls out a gun and cocks it and so do the other hippies. 
               Leela looks around in horror.]
 
               
               [Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The penguins have multiplied 
               so much that most of the once ice-covered landscape outside the 
               building is now filled with a sea of penguins.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. The hippies clean out 
               their guns while Leela protests the penguins' innocence.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You can't shoot penguins. Isn't there 
                         some way to prevent them from breeding?
 
                         
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Cold showers don't work on Antarctic 
                         creatures. Now surely you agree that 
                         a quick semi-painless death is a darn 
                         sight better than weeks of starvation.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well...I suppose...but...I mean...I 
                         joined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins, 
                         not to hunt them.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         This time the two are one and the same! 
                         Now are you with us or are you gonna 
                         let innocent penguins suffer?
 
               
               [He pulls back a curtain. Outside the penguins are squashed up 
               the window like those healthy people in the Star Trek episode 
               Wink Of An Eye. Leela takes a step back.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) Oh God it's inhuman! It's like 
                         Hong Kong! I'll do it!
 
               
               [Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. Leela is holding a gun.]

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         That's a good old fashioned gun. Simple 
                         point-and-click interface. Rifle check!
 
                         
               
               [The hunters cock their guns and laugh.]

               
                                     HUNTER #1
                         Oh yeah!

               
                                     HUNTER #2
                         Wee doggy!

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey, you're enjoying this.

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Look nobody enjoys shooting penguins. 
                         But if you have to shoot penguins, well 
                         you might as well enjoy it.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm sorry but if it's fun in any way 
                         it's not environmentalism.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Oh really? How 'bout blowing up dams?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yeah...that is fun.

               
               [He cocks his gun.]

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Let's conservate!

               
               [Outside Ship. The ship glides through space...with a giant space-squid 
               holding onto it. Fry screams.]
 
               
                                     ZOIDBERG
                         (shouting; from ship) It's been an honour 
                         to serve under you sir!
 
               
               [Pluto Surface. Leela walks over the icy surface with her gun. 
               She crawls to a ledge and sees a flock of penguins.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Alright, this is for their own good. 
                         Don't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire 
                         families.  But they're so cute. No! 
                         You can do this. It's just like murdering 
                         a little butler. I...I can't look.  
                         (crying) Oh no! What have I done?  Oh 
                         you poor little guy! I'm so sorry I 
                         - Bender?  What's going on? Were you 
                         hiding out with these little guys?
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         Of course not. Filthy ice rats. Scat! 
                         Shoo!  Gah! What are you doing? Get 
                         away!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww, they love you!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Well I don't love them.  Aww!  I don't 
                         know why but when I look down at their 
                         little faces, it makes me wanna puke! 
                         In a good way!
 
               
               [They hear some guns firing and turn around and see the hunters.]
 
               
               
                                     PENGUINS
                         (in penguin) Stand still. It's our only 
                         hope.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (in penguin) That's Puffin talk. Now 
                         follow me!
 
               
               [He runs away and they follow. Leela turns to the hunters.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Stop! Stop shooting! It's me, Leela.
 
                         
               
               [A hunter shoots off a bit of her hood.]

               
                                     HUNTER #2
                         Sorry.

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Why aren't you firing randomly into 
                         those birds little lady? Don't you wanna 
                         help 'em?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Not this way.

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         What? Why you're not a tree-hugging 
                         kook at all!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, I don't know if shooting penguins 
                         will help the environment or not. But 
                         I do know that the decision shouldn't 
                         be in the hands of people who just wanna 
                         kill for fun.
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Leela, you may just be farming some 
                         free-range truth there.  On the other 
                         hand we just made up 200 pounds of batter 
                         for penguin tempura. OK boys, it's them 
                         or us!
 
               
               [They cock their guns.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         No!

               
               [They get ready to shoot but the penguins are gone.]

               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         Hey where'd they - ?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Attack!

               
               [He and the penguins are standing on a ledge behind the hunters. 
               They slide down the ledge head first towards the hunters. Leela 
               dives out of the way and the penguins swarm at the hunters.]
 
               
               
                                     HUNTER #1
                         Whoa!

               
                                     HUNTER #2
                         Ow!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (in penguin) We will fight them on the 
                         beaches! We will fight them on the glaciers!
 
                         
               
               [Some penguins catch up with Waterfall and he falls over. They 
               engulf him and start to eat him.]
 
               
                                     WATERFALL SR
                         (shouting) Make sure they use every 
                         part of my body!
 
               
               [Waterfall's father - a man with a silly hat, a big beard and 
               braces - shakes his fist at the penguins.]
 
               
                                     OLD MAN WATERFALL
                         (shouting) I'll avenge your death son!
 
                         
               
               [Leela and Bender watch the penguin feast.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         They used to be such peaceful birds. 
                         I suppose this was your doing.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yep. It's like I taught 'em. If it ain't 
                         black and white - peck scratch and bite! 
                         Now to take off my tuxedo.  Guys, it's 
                         me! Your lovable dictator! Uh-oh!
 
                         
               
               [The penguins start to chase them. One pecks Bender's shiny metal 
               ass. They come to the top of an ice hill and peer over the other 
               side. It is very steep.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, if only we had a toboggan.

               
               [She looks Bender up and down.]

               
               [Time Lapse. They both slide down the mountain.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Faster! Faster!

               
               [Leela - the toboggan - slides down the hillside faster. They 
               slide onto a piece of ice jutting out into the water. Bender 
               stomps across it and cracks it and it floats away from the land. 
               The penguins watch them float away.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Phew!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh phew!  Oh right they can swim. It's 
                         all coming back to me now.
 
               
               [The penguins climb onto the ice block and Bender and Leela back 
               away to the other side. The penguins surround them. The Planet 
               Express ship flies overhead.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's Fry!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Wiggles?

               
               [Fry lands the ship on the other side of the ice block. It's 
               weight tips the ice back and the penguins slide down it. The 
               whale appears on the other side and the penguins slide into it's 
               mouth  la Orca.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well, at least it'll help reduce their 
                         population.
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.  Permission 
                         to come aboard Wiggles?
 
               
               [Fry pulls him up onto the lift.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Granted. We can't take off without our 
                         captain.
 
               
               [He takes off Bender's hat and gives it to him. Leela coughs. 
               She is still hanging on to the edge of the ice block.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Oh, and bring my toboggan.

               
               [Ship's Cockpit. Fry flies the ship away from Pluto.]

               
                                     FRY
                         So Leela, were you able to help the 
                         penguins?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Well sure. I mean...not really...I mean...nature 
                         will work itself out. It can't screw 
                         things up any worse than we did trying 
                         to fix things right?
 
               
                                     FRY
                         (mumbling) I 'unno.

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ah, quit your worrying. Thanks to my 
                         shining influence those stupid birds'll 
                         do just fine.
 
               
               [Cut to: Pluto Surface. The shadows of two penguins creep over 
               two abandoned guns. They pick the guns up, point them at each 
               other and cock them.]
 
               
               THE END

               

The Birdbot Of IceCatraz



Writers :   Dan Vebber
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy